Heartfelt thanks! For a while now, I have been wrestling with the train of thought suggesting that consequences given must be appropriate to actions taken. In processing the insight as offered by Dr. Kennedy, I realise that her outlook does, in fact, include consequence, but in a natural, healthy manner - when we teach kids these skills and support them in becoming aware of and understanding what is happening inside of them, and validating what they may be feeling, they will inevitably become more tuned in to what they are feeling themselves, having made a wise or unwise decision. When we teach them empathy and self-regulation, the consequence will be what they may be feeling before, during and after taking an action, and where others are involved, seeing how their action may have impacted them and their environment too. It is a natural part of life. They will be more aware of and care more about the decisions that they make. Isn't that, whether positive or negative as far as the choices they make in the process, adequate consequence, and doesn't it feel much more natural and positive than us, as parents, enforcing additional consequences while potentially missing out on connecting with our children in a more meaningful way? Plus, in all probability, our kids are bound to feel really good about themselves and our relationship in general too. I find it an empowering approach for both child, AND parent. Feeling grateful :))
My guess is that, like most parenting methods, this will work for some people, but as a children’s therapist who works with behavioral issues my guess is that this will work best for parents that are extraordinarily patient, and you should be aware that learning these skills takes most of childhood. That’s not a problem/it’s normal, and I think we should have patience with that slow process of raising children, but the problem I think is that when parents come looking for answers with parenting, they’re likely approaching their wit’s end and they need some quicker results. Also, posing consequences vs relationship is a false binary, you can (and IMHO, should) have both. Consequences without relationship has bad results, and I think that is something she is trying to help people avoid. But, the meta-analysis of research of what helps with behavioral challenges in kids always includes consequences (that are quite small/brief), but balances this with building up the behavior you want to see, and improving the relationship. They’re not mutually exclusive. In fact, I’ve often seen it to be the other way around, that getting parents some skills of how to respond with small but consistent consequences to inappropriate behavior both gets the behavior and check, and saves the relationship! My guess is the 16 yo had been being over-punished (and under-relationshipped) for a long time, which shows that escalating your consequences is a bad idea, and parent emotional control goes a long way-but I think it’s illogical to swing so far as to say that consequences as a whole do nothing. There are mountains of research saying that it does, but, you have to balance it with building skills and relationship, as she says.
Hi Dr Becky, I love your podcast, thank you for creating them. I have a deeply feeling 4 year old who struggles to regulate and screams, and I mean screams! We've practiced breathing, all the techniques you would think would help and these trigger her more. I've looked at your class but this is something I cannot afford. What would you recommend to support me and my deeply feeling child to connect in these moments? I recognise I am triggered, I to was a deeply feeling child ignored and suppressed and I hope to support my child to feel and mange her emotions. Unfortunately, when she screams and hit I will shutdown when stressed/tired. Do you have any advice to support us to connect and learn? Thank you and best wishes to you.
I've seen kids pause and redirect their anger when they realise there will be a consequence for hitting. Then they let their anger out in a more constructive way, and no innocent bystander child or adult gets hurt.
this is so helpful! Even as an adult int he sense of reparenting yourself and changing how you few fellow adults (at work, in friendships). Thank you 🙂
The consequence of not being able to swim is drowning. Isn't that acting as a consequence in the same way as punishment - fear of doing it for fear of consequences?
Hi! Such an interesting approach. Sounded off but hearing the backing it does make sense. Teaching The whole person… I have an ABA background whereby the trigger is noted but the consequence is more what determines the future frequency of a behavior. Your approach suggests the trigger for the behavior is actually something more effective to focus on, very comforting actually. This may be very hard with those with challenging intellectual abilities, but I will try to incorporate this idea!
What a strange approach to the remote- question from Max. Did it never occur to you that the child needs attention rather than holding on to the remotecontrol?
It's great that he's reaching out to Doctor Becky to get insights into his child's behavior and willingness to change. Not everyone thinks like you, after all.
I agree she totally missed this callers question. Screen time is highly addictive and the drop in dopamine after screen time makes lots of kids and adults cranky! The child cannot control himself after screen time so just putting the remote out of reach is a rediculous solution. He will still act out and be angry! A better angle is two weeks screen detox and see if attitudes improve and go from there. Some kids can’t have any screen time and self regulate afterwards.
On the remote situation _this is definitely a screentime issue & the effects the screentime has on each individual child … there is a lot of research, Hubeman touches greatly on this, Dr Debbie also has a interview with him. So the principal can still be applied as she explains just _ the child should not be exposed to the screen !!! Even 9min of screen time can have this overstimulating effect
Dr. Becky has a weird premise built into all the scenarios she gives, that all dangerous behavior stems from an emotional issue. That is not the case. 90% of my kids instances of dangerous behavior are just from not understanding the real world consequences, and being too young to think that far ahead. Consequences in this regard, are shortcuts to long term thinking they arent capable of yet. While theyre say, under 10, understanding consequences well enough to not play on the stairs or in the street, or with matches, are necessary until they are old enough to understand the "why's" more deeply. And its silly to say you cant simultaneously validate their feelings, its a "this/and", not an "either/or".
Great because in life there's no punishment or consequences for any wrong doing so of course we need to teach children that lie so they can grow up derranged and constantly trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with them...
Hi Dr. Becky. I wondered if I could ask your advice about something. I have two daughters, Alyssa (age 15) and Julia (age 10). Julia is constantly upset because she feels that I yell at her more and only punish her. Alyssa instigates things like any other teenager, but Julia is always defensive. She seems to be jealous of her sister, as Alyssa goes to the mall, Target or Starbuck's all the time. She doesn't seem to understand that if Alyssa has her own money, she is mostly using that. I cannot keep buying everything Julia wants. I know I yell at Julia often but feel that she is often disrespectful of Alyssa and myself. However, if it is her dad, she is of course different with him and more or less listens to him, especially when it comes to screens. I fear the random use of screens has created an unhappy child too. I try to limit screen time, but Julia never seems content unless it is on a screen, having a playdate (this does not happen every weekend) or shopping. How do I create rules and boundaries with each age, especially when it comes to screens and shopping? Thank you so much.
It would be great advice to close your eyes and ask for the remote control.....if your child would just follow your direction. Many of them probably would run away or wouldn't give you at all. What now? How to negotiate? How do you make the situation clear, this is the right thing to do? Many of them probably would protect the controller with their body. My son would do that for sure. I don't want to wrestle with him! If you can't negotiate with consequences, I can't see a good outcome from the situation. I think kids need consequences!
Well, they need to give up the remote before the TV goes on. If they run away or want to wrestle for it, it stays off. And if your kid then switches on the TV with said remote by themself, then pull the plug. You set the rule, and you hold the boundaries.
But what about a 2 yr old PLUS. a 5 yr old ( 2 different homes) who regularly use tantrums to get their way. The 2 yr old is still " learning" BUT" the 5 yr old (2 different families & homes btw) won't use the emotional regulation skills taught....never ever❗
I am a mother of 3 and grandmother of 6 and I'm wondering how much experience you have had. I strongly disagree with you and believe you should teach your child consequences *and* also behavioral management. In the heat of the moment, of course a child will not think about consequences; however, if a parent takes the time to talk through what happened and why, leaving the doors of communication open, a lesson will often be learned and they may slowly begin to adjust their behavior in the future and learn to moderate impulses. As you know, there are plenty of adults who don't moderate their behaviors and there are too many people in this world who have never received consequences for their actions. Just look at many of our "powerful" leaders. Do you want your child to be like them? I have always had a wonderful relationship with my children and they are all happy, good people who are also financially successful. And they are very good parents. And also children are very different and some just have big emotions. An individual needs individual teachings that will reach them - not a one size fits all parent. Just wondering about your long-term experience - not your client's experiences.
Hi, I like your ideas when it comes to just removing the item that a kid is struggling with. Such as the remote controller. However I’m struggling to figure out how to apply this to items you can’t just take away such as clothes. I mean if my kid refuses to actually their clothes away, how do I take the clothes away that they actually need? Clothes, or food, etc compared to something like a remote control which isn’t an actual need. The only thing that has actually come out of my mind and mouth is to say “if you don’t pick up and, or put your clothes away, I will give them away to someone who actually cares about them!” Or I will use the phrase “fine then they’re going in the trash!” Something to that effect. If you happen to see this, or even have time more clarification on removing obstacles that have to do with needs and not just other items not needed in every day life that would be much more helpful! Thank you.
She wasn’t saying to hold the remote as a punishment rather to keep them from being put in a situation where they’re likely to throw it and be out of control. If your child first put away their clothes, they may have trouble finding them when they need them or you may be upset because you want them put away. Figure out something that you can live with. It’s your issue. Threatening to throw out their clothes is going to hurt your relationship. I’d rather they have a messy room and we have a good relationship where they’re not bristling at my controlling them.
I raised two daughters. Regarding clothing, let her know that she can (insert something she wants to have or do in the near future) when her clothes are picked up. If she refuses to, cancel the plans, don’t make the purchase, etc. No yelling or arguing. Just quid pro quo. Once the clothes are picked up to your standards, she can do the event or sport or have the thing she wants. If she remains stubborn about it, hold your ground without anger. You can live with her clothes on the floor. She won’t want to keep missing out on fun stuff with friends, shopping trips, etc., for very long. You’re not being cruel. You’re enforcing a rule. Like getting a speeding ticket. Pay it and all is well. Argue with the officer and you’ll make it worse. Blessings to you.
I dont get this. Punishment is not equivalent to consequence. In life there are consequences to everything you do. Natural and fair consequences of course: Positive discipline is a good thing. In early childhood I think it’s important. And yelling is toxic, but not speaking respect fully to your Boss Will have a natural consequence: you’ll be fired.
Dr. Becky is confusing levels of development. Consequences are to help kids learn impulse control. Instant gratification takes effort to channel. Loving firm boundaries and consequences help little people do that. It can be extremely emotionally attuned. There’s nothing estranging about it. Developmentally, it takes kids time to develop mentally to be able to anticipate and map different future effects and other people’s emotional experiences and then make choices based on impulse control - and in the meantime we as parents help socialize them with training wheels. Duh. Self-validating emotions is for young adults not kids. Wake up Dr. Becky, your work is unfortunately confusing and hurting families.
Heartfelt thanks! For a while now, I have been wrestling with the train of thought suggesting that consequences given must be appropriate to actions taken. In processing the insight as offered by Dr. Kennedy, I realise that her outlook does, in fact, include consequence, but in a natural, healthy manner - when we teach kids these skills and support them in becoming aware of and understanding what is happening inside of them, and validating what they may be feeling, they will inevitably become more tuned in to what they are feeling themselves, having made a wise or unwise decision. When we teach them empathy and self-regulation, the consequence will be what they may be feeling before, during and after taking an action, and where others are involved, seeing how their action may have impacted them and their environment too. It is a natural part of life. They will be more aware of and care more about the decisions that they make. Isn't that, whether positive or negative as far as the choices they make in the process, adequate consequence, and doesn't it feel much more natural and positive than us, as parents, enforcing additional consequences while potentially missing out on connecting with our children in a more meaningful way? Plus, in all probability, our kids are bound to feel really good about themselves and our relationship in general too. I find it an empowering approach for both child, AND parent. Feeling grateful :))
My guess is that, like most parenting methods, this will work for some people, but as a children’s therapist who works with behavioral issues my guess is that this will work best for parents that are extraordinarily patient, and you should be aware that learning these skills takes most of childhood. That’s not a problem/it’s normal, and I think we should have patience with that slow process of raising children, but the problem I think is that when parents come looking for answers with parenting, they’re likely approaching their wit’s end and they need some quicker results. Also, posing consequences vs relationship is a false binary, you can (and IMHO, should) have both. Consequences without relationship has bad results, and I think that is something she is trying to help people avoid. But, the meta-analysis of research of what helps with behavioral challenges in kids always includes consequences (that are quite small/brief), but balances this with building up the behavior you want to see, and improving the relationship. They’re not mutually exclusive. In fact, I’ve often seen it to be the other way around, that getting parents some skills of how to respond with small but consistent consequences to inappropriate behavior both gets the behavior and check, and saves the relationship! My guess is the 16 yo had been being over-punished (and under-relationshipped) for a long time, which shows that escalating your consequences is a bad idea, and parent emotional control goes a long way-but I think it’s illogical to swing so far as to say that consequences as a whole do nothing. There are mountains of research saying that it does, but, you have to balance it with building skills and relationship, as she says.
YES this
Discipline, not punish. They are not the same.
I simply love her approach. I think it is the correct understanding and rationale toward raising successful human beings.
This is wild! Parents are going to be in for a world of trouble if they take the consequences of the table.
If they are 16 and say that you wave your hand and say good luck 👍🏾 👌 😉.
Hi Dr Becky, I love your podcast, thank you for creating them. I have a deeply feeling 4 year old who struggles to regulate and screams, and I mean screams! We've practiced breathing, all the techniques you would think would help and these trigger her more. I've looked at your class but this is something I cannot afford. What would you recommend to support me and my deeply feeling child to connect in these moments? I recognise I am triggered, I to was a deeply feeling child ignored and suppressed and I hope to support my child to feel and mange her emotions. Unfortunately, when she screams and hit I will shutdown when stressed/tired. Do you have any advice to support us to connect and learn? Thank you and best wishes to you.
I've seen kids pause and redirect their anger when they realise there will be a consequence for hitting. Then they let their anger out in a more constructive way, and no innocent bystander child or adult gets hurt.
this is so helpful! Even as an adult int he sense of reparenting yourself and changing how you few fellow adults (at work, in friendships). Thank you 🙂
She’s a so smart! totally changed my thinking!! Amazing!
The consequence of not being able to swim is drowning. Isn't that acting as a consequence in the same way as punishment - fear of doing it for fear of consequences?
Hi! Such an interesting approach. Sounded off but hearing the backing it does make sense. Teaching The whole person… I have an ABA background whereby the trigger is noted but the consequence is more what determines the future frequency of a behavior. Your approach suggests the trigger for the behavior is actually something more effective to focus on, very comforting actually. This may be very hard with those with challenging intellectual abilities, but I will try to incorporate this idea!
What a strange approach to the remote- question from Max. Did it never occur to you that the child needs attention rather than holding on to the remotecontrol?
It's great that he's reaching out to Doctor Becky to get insights into his child's behavior and willingness to change. Not everyone thinks like you, after all.
I agree she totally missed this callers question. Screen time is highly addictive and the drop in dopamine after screen time makes lots of kids and adults cranky! The child cannot control himself after screen time so just putting the remote out of reach is a rediculous solution. He will still act out and be angry! A better angle is two weeks screen detox and see if attitudes improve and go from there. Some kids can’t have any screen time and self regulate afterwards.
I sorta think it’s you guys who missed the broader point
On the remote situation _this is definitely a screentime issue & the effects the screentime has on each individual child … there is a lot of research, Hubeman touches greatly on this, Dr Debbie also has a interview with him.
So the principal can still be applied as she explains just _ the child should not be exposed to the screen !!! Even 9min of screen time can have this overstimulating effect
Dr. Becky has a weird premise built into all the scenarios she gives, that all dangerous behavior stems from an emotional issue. That is not the case. 90% of my kids instances of dangerous behavior are just from not understanding the real world consequences, and being too young to think that far ahead. Consequences in this regard, are shortcuts to long term thinking they arent capable of yet. While theyre say, under 10, understanding consequences well enough to not play on the stairs or in the street, or with matches, are necessary until they are old enough to understand the "why's" more deeply. And its silly to say you cant simultaneously validate their feelings, its a "this/and", not an "either/or".
Great because in life there's no punishment or consequences for any wrong doing so of course we need to teach children that lie so they can grow up derranged and constantly trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with them...
Thank you! :)
Some kids want to control their parents. Not sure if they feel terrified
Proverbs 29:15 a child let on loose will cause the mother shame
Hi Dr. Becky. I wondered if I could ask your advice about something. I have two daughters, Alyssa (age 15) and Julia (age 10). Julia is constantly upset because she feels that I yell at her more and only punish her. Alyssa instigates things like any other teenager, but Julia is always defensive. She seems to be jealous of her sister, as Alyssa goes to the mall, Target or Starbuck's all the time. She doesn't seem to understand that if Alyssa has her own money, she is mostly using that. I cannot keep buying everything Julia wants. I know I yell at Julia often but feel that she is often disrespectful of Alyssa and myself. However, if it is her dad, she is of course different with him and more or less listens to him, especially when it comes to screens. I fear the random use of screens has created an unhappy child too. I try to limit screen time, but Julia never seems content unless it is on a screen, having a playdate (this does not happen every weekend) or shopping. How do I create rules and boundaries with each age, especially when it comes to screens and shopping? Thank you so much.
It would be great advice to close your eyes and ask for the remote control.....if your child would just follow your direction. Many of them probably would run away or wouldn't give you at all.
What now?
How to negotiate?
How do you make the situation clear, this is the right thing to do?
Many of them probably would protect the controller with their body. My son would do that for sure.
I don't want to wrestle with him!
If you can't negotiate with consequences, I can't see a good outcome from the situation.
I think kids need consequences!
Well, they need to give up the remote before the TV goes on. If they run away or want to wrestle for it, it stays off. And if your kid then switches on the TV with said remote by themself, then pull the plug. You set the rule, and you hold the boundaries.
But what about a 2 yr old PLUS. a 5 yr old ( 2 different homes) who regularly use tantrums to get their way. The 2 yr old is still " learning" BUT" the 5 yr old (2 different families & homes btw) won't use the emotional regulation skills taught....never ever❗
I am a mother of 3 and grandmother of 6 and I'm wondering how much experience you have had. I strongly disagree with you and believe you should teach your child consequences *and* also behavioral management. In the heat of the moment, of course a child will not think about consequences; however, if a parent takes the time to talk through what happened and why, leaving the doors of communication open, a lesson will often be learned and they may slowly begin to adjust their behavior in the future and learn to moderate impulses. As you know, there are plenty of adults who don't moderate their behaviors and there are too many people in this world who have never received consequences for their actions. Just look at many of our "powerful" leaders. Do you want your child to be like them? I have always had a wonderful relationship with my children and they are all happy, good people who are also financially successful. And they are very good parents. And also children are very different and some just have big emotions. An individual needs individual teachings that will reach them - not a one size fits all parent.
Just wondering about your long-term experience - not your client's experiences.
Hi, I like your ideas when it comes to just removing the item that a kid is struggling with. Such as the remote controller. However I’m struggling to figure out how to apply this to items you can’t just take away such as clothes. I mean if my kid refuses to actually their clothes away, how do I take the clothes away that they actually need? Clothes, or food, etc compared to something like a remote control which isn’t an actual need. The only thing that has actually come out of my mind and mouth is to say “if you don’t pick up and, or put your clothes away, I will give them away to someone who actually cares about them!” Or I will use the phrase “fine then they’re going in the trash!” Something to that effect.
If you happen to see this, or even have time more clarification on removing obstacles that have to do with needs and not just other items not needed in every day life that would be much more helpful! Thank you.
She wasn’t saying to hold the remote as a punishment rather to keep them from being put in a situation where they’re likely to throw it and be out of control. If your child first put away their clothes, they may have trouble finding them when they need them or you may be upset because you want them put away. Figure out something that you can live with. It’s your issue. Threatening to throw out their clothes is going to hurt your relationship. I’d rather they have a messy room and we have a good relationship where they’re not bristling at my controlling them.
I raised two daughters. Regarding clothing, let her know that she can (insert something she wants to have or do in the near future) when her clothes are picked up. If she refuses to, cancel the plans, don’t make the purchase, etc. No yelling or arguing. Just quid pro quo. Once the clothes are picked up to your standards, she can do the event or sport or have the thing she wants. If she remains stubborn about it, hold your ground without anger. You can live with her clothes on the floor. She won’t want to keep missing out on fun stuff with friends, shopping trips, etc., for very long. You’re not being cruel. You’re enforcing a rule. Like getting a speeding ticket. Pay it and all is well. Argue with the officer and you’ll make it worse. Blessings to you.
I dont get this. Punishment is not equivalent to consequence. In life there are consequences to everything you do. Natural and fair consequences of course: Positive discipline is a good thing. In early childhood I think it’s important. And yelling is toxic, but not speaking respect fully to your Boss Will have a natural consequence: you’ll be fired.
Dr. Becky is confusing levels of development. Consequences are to help kids learn impulse control. Instant gratification takes effort to channel. Loving firm boundaries and consequences help little people do that. It can be extremely emotionally attuned. There’s nothing estranging about it.
Developmentally, it takes kids time to develop mentally to be able to anticipate and map different future effects and other people’s emotional experiences and then make choices based on impulse control - and in the meantime we as parents help socialize them with training wheels. Duh. Self-validating emotions is for young adults not kids. Wake up Dr. Becky, your work is unfortunately confusing and hurting families.
I feel like you missed something.
YES, you're exactly right.
She makes the mistake of assuming all dangerous behavior is a result of emotional disregulation. This is simply not true.
@@idme8295 well said.
Why does she sound so angry?
I’m sorry… she just said a whole bunch of nothing….
All I heard was, “if you really wanna know what to do with your kids, buy my course” 🤦🏾♂️