Trauma Can Blind You to the Power YOU Have to Change
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 เม.ย. 2024
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It’s easy to get sucked into terrible relationships with people who treat you badly, especially for people who were mistreated and neglected as children. You may find yourself with narcissists, manipulators, liars and people who just plain grind your spirits down. But so long as you stay hyper-focused on what’s wrong with THEM and what THEY did - the more you may come to see yourself as helpless - and the longer you may be participating in the sabotage of your own future. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman with CPTSD who has not yet learned to take charge of her healing and her life.
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Thank you for all you do here. Especially removing stigma from C-PTSD diagnosis and symptoms.
I wish I had a therapist like you. Peoples lives would improve
we can’t all afford therapy… so grateful for anna
You do! She's here.
Grateful for Anna. Some therapists have no idea what they're doing.
What a kind thing to say! We appreciate it!
Nika@TeamFairy
What I long for is a tribe, real peers.
I have spent so much time alone, much of it to “heal”, but boy, do I miss being aligned with a group of friends.
This is a primary need.
I understand this too. I don’t have too many friends and most of the close friends that I had left the country to pursue further education and job opportunities. Some I lost connection with and some I still maintained. It keeps me sane and going to gym and hanging out with a small group for kickboxing has also helped me feel like I belong somewhere. This kind of relationships have given me more meaning in life than being with a women ever did.
@@agasthya9128: Well, as you may know “belonging” or a sense of “belonging”, is a primary need.
Keep seeking.
That feeling you're genuinely on the same page or wavelength with a tiny, small or even large group of people is so incredible, one I've missed for decades now... much agreed it is something deeply missed, but never expected anymore.
@@forgesoulfire1320: Yes, “aligned”. I hung out with a friend the weekend of 4/19 who lives elsewhere, and it reminded me of that kind of “connection”.
Having missed all of that from the age of twelve, really, I long for it now.
The connection, the alignment - its vital, elemental - a basic need.
I think of this group as a “cohort” of a half dozen to ten or so men and women.
same
I remember a friend telling me I was like a whipped puppy- too willing to forgive and go right back after a bad spanking.
Anna, this was an excellent example of how those of us with CPTSD build a web of continued trauma. Sad to say this situation mirrors my own(no children). Thank you for shining a spotlight on the unhealthy choices I’ve made and the struggle to get free of my own web.
I’m right next to you doing the same thing
Thank you for watching and taking the time to comment! If you haven't already, try Daily Practice. It is a great way to process fears and resentments, and it's a good tool that can help with getting regulated. The free course is here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
The daily practice might help. I'm a big fan of the crappy childhood, fairy and woman who's TH-cam channel. I find great interesting and greatly helpful. And she has a simply wonderful brain.
If I'd have followed my own path. In life. Or could havabsooner?I dare say I'd be more successful right now.I'm in a better place
Do you ever receive updates from the people who write in? I am genuinely curious about Naomi’s growth over time.
I hope she is able to receive this message. It often is missing in the narccisist victim culture, which could in it's worst foster black and white thinking, victimhood and unnecessary fear. I can understand many of her decisions, and it has been a painful road for me too to accept that I do have to take responsibility for my life, even though things could be so unfair. And that I too have hurt people with my actions, and the worse - haven't always been a perfect parent. I don't know if her native language is english or not, whether she understands what the word baby means. If she does, the way she describes her child many times as "my baby" leans towards enmeshment, and I hope she is able to get help for herself so that she could get her needs met from a helping adult.
💯
Her daughter is her “baby”. I get it💜
You can get it, but that sounds unhealthy to me. As children grow their growing automony has to be acknowledged and respected, even at six.
❤Sending love and hugs Naomi. I completely agree that your child doesn't necessarily need healing, *she needs her mother to be healed.* And her healthy development with follow. *She needs a healthy environment.* *As do you.* Many Blessings to you both.
Absolutely loving the tough love. It’s not just for ‘Naomi’, it’s for us too. ❤ Thank you!
The realization that your life isn’t just things that happen to you but decisions you make when you’re busy making excuses for other people that keep you stuck… it’s huge. You have SO MUCH POWER and those people want you to think you don’t. Telling yourself the truth and standing up and walking away and never going back… it’s the strongest action and YOU CAN DO IT.
For those of us with CPTSD remember to try your best to find a psychologist that has background/ study on trauma/ abuse. Many of them can let you just talk and take a little too long ( for my taste) to get somewhere.
Goodness, remember that we are all worth more than just someone’s option…
I don't think we can blame anybody for not having optimal judgement when they have a concussion. That is damage to the brain. It affects our ability to think clearly. Even if it were a better option for somebody with cognitive issues to move into a potentially riskier and less stable living situation, the stress levels involved, organisation skills, and physical requirements could make this non-viable to somebody with this type of disability.
I heard nothing in the letter about concussion.
@@infplife1637it was at the beginning of the video
She had the concussion way after he was abusing her
Anna's one of THE few people who I am more than willing to accept tough love, and appreciate
This was a hard one. I hope Naomi gets the help she needs. :(
I appreciate the tough love
You are welcome! Thank you for watching!
Nika@TeamFairy
That happened to me with a friend from high school. He always got on my nerves, but I felt bad for him once he got cancer, so I bought him some vitamins and took him to dinner and coffee because he's always broke despite being highly educated. He made some sexual comments here and there that I always blew off, but things came to a head after he subtly put me down and questioned my intelligence, and again disappeared for weeks on end. The end came when he didn't return a call when he said he would, so I told him we could no longer be friends and blocked him. How can I stop feeling like a fool for being so kind for so long? I've also been cleaning house of relationship where my needs aren't being met. Thanks.
You are not a fool for being kind, not at all. Some of us are capable of compassion. We allow for people having a bad day and waiting for reciprocation...
My personal opinion is that you're either a narcissist or you have CPTSD. Narcissists are narcissists precisely because they're not in touch with their vulnerability.
CPTSD and narcissism are on opposite spectrums. While you could potentially develop narcissistic traits later in life, because everybody can, narcissists cannot develop CPTSD. Narcissism is a defence mechanism *against* developing CPTSD. I do believe some abusers and their enablers misappropriate the term CPTSD in order to avoid being called a narcissist. It's distorted.
What a powerful thing to do the Daily Practice before sitting down for a celebration meal.
❤❤❤ the daily PRACTICE 🧚♀️ does rock
I change my life with, I eas the pain, coulden't do what I do without the daily PRACTICE 🧚♀️
It would be far too heavy 😢.
I slowly come out from a huge burn out.
Did breack with my toxic boyfriend, but coulden't moove out yet.
At least I have my room up stairs and he stais downstairs. I have a verry low contact and succeded to shifft the dynamic eanough for Him to respect me more than ever but remember me his a Troll enough and I have enough 😢.
I struggle to find juste some one to drink a coffee with and who is healthy. No healthy poeaple like me. For the other they like me but don't want me close, even for a coffee.... 😢
Now that lonelyness isen't that bad eny more. I want to strengh my capacity of feeling good on my own ( without other humains ) Zen 😸 is a real presence and I hope he'll live several years from now, he's 11 years old and seems happy. But I need to know how he feels and ask help from an animal communicator, to know if he has pain or is unhappy and I can do some thing and to ask Zen why he fears the Troll ?
Thank you for that place to share and read yours ❤❤❤
Poeaple like me but don't want me close to them, it's also the culture, poeaple are hard to reach and they don't take any risk 😢. CPTSD isn't reconnazed. I love where I live, surounded by nature at 1100m high and knwown for the energy ❤
I juste whant to be capable of taking care of me, go wallking, swiming, simple things I can't afford. I need to be capable of dealing whith my papers, do phones I need to do and juste can't. I know it's easy to do but I freak out and can't foucose. It drives me crazy and worst I feel. I see that I heal. I changed more in a year than in 20years of therapy ....
Today I saw a guy, I had a nice talk with a while ago and said hello, he didn't answer and gave me a real mean look. It hurts and I don't know why....?
I know that poeaple from NA did bad talk me, knowing they don't have the right to take over me and pretend knowing, I don't know what, because I left the meetings.
If I need meetings I go to alanon, I should have left NA and AA for only alanon, but I had too much bad experience and it's not nextdoor....
Big hugs ❤❤
what an excellent insight! thank you Anna!
Thank you for the tough love Anna. I needed it today ❤
No messing about here. I love it. I needed it around two friends i just let go of and ive beeb ruminating around it for months. No more
Friendship breakups are so painful! 😪
I don't mourn the end of toxic romantic relationships, but I grieve the end of friendships. :(
Those of us who grew up with toxic parents, we recognise the behaviour as "normal" not toxic. It was only from spending more time in the right places on the Internet that I raised it was gaslighting (I didn't even know that was a thing until 37!) and abuse, and it takes time to accept that reality, then even more time to plan an exit safely.
Exactly. Also there are cases when woman is vulnerable, one example: very pregnant or she is an immigrant with no-one to support her...for these reasons her life can be in danger if she is caught running away. Am I the only one missing a little bit more of compassion for Naomi?
Anna: you go, girl! Such good information in this video!
In my experience hoovering has been a round two thing, we're warned not to let a narcissist hoover us back in after we've left, when they run out of supply. It's something we optimally know not to fall into. ❤
from brazil here 🥰 thank you!
Dear Anna, thank you for guiding me towards healing. Happy birthday ❤
Is narcissism a severe form of CPTSD, characterized by an endless toxic shame cycle that results in a lack of empathy?
Love your content! I think there needs to be nuance with staying with someone due to health issues. Homelessness is one of the most stressful things a person can go through and that level of physical safety and financial stress can often trigger massive physical and mental health problems. If the concussion was mild I agree leaving is a better choice but severe concussions can be extremely disabling and disorienting and accompanied with severe chronic pain or symptoms of psychosis and people may need lots of help. One has to weigh the stress of the person you are living with snd the stress of homelessness in the context of your physical health issues to see what makes more sense at the time.
Bless you ❤
Wow!!! THIS video was eye opening !!!
Thank you for watching!
Nika@TeamFairy
Happy birthday!!! You are so important to me as one who has helped me more than even my own therapist! And I love your daily practice, which I have adopted. Where can we write you?
Thank you for the wishes and kind words towards Anna! We're so glad to hear you enjoy the Daily Practice! If you'd like to share your story and ask Anna a question, feel free to write an "Ask the Fairy" letter. You can do it from here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
Nika@TeamFairy
Happy Birthday 🎂🎈
Great video.
My friend once told me “why do you keep messing up with jerks”. Guess what I did after hearing that? Yes, I got dating with another wrong person. 🤦🏻♀️
Now I’m here to fix myself
Finding a good partner is not easy, and for people with C-PTSD setting boundaries is a process so don't blame yourself. If you're interested, try the Dating and Relationships for People with Childhood PTSD course Anna developed. It can help you set the boundaries to invite only good people into your life: Dating & Relationships
bit.ly/3IBbrv7
Nika@TeamFairy
I have a serious issue with the refusal to place blame where it belongs. Or maybe I am contesting what placing blame implies. I believe blame equals placing responsible for an action or lack thereof at its source. I do not believe it means punishment in any form (castigation, ostracization, shaming or requiring an apology) for said behavior. In that sense, are my parents to blame for my existence? Yes.
I know this isn’t related to the video but,
I have just recently lost my pug, I had her throughout the main part of my childhood. This happened a few months back but now I cry for at least 30mins a day and never feel happy anymore.
What do I do?❤❤❤😢😊
So, you say she's being a hypocrite!! staying whilst he pays the bills because she's had an injury and can't work, but then admit that sometimes women take several months to move their stuff out and plan their exit?!
Calm down, she's not attacking anyone just giving her opinion honestly and with compassion
Yes bc you become numb
I was here the girly version "you can't change someone you love got to accept them as is "
I like you're version better it works for my head
The other version had me accepting and dealing with the bad shitni was getting
"I like admit you was wring move on"
Idk why that never click for me in the other version
Is 27 points on ACE high?
Naomi, your daughter has anger, because you created a lot of drama for her, and then you blamed others for your lack of actions. Yes, bad people exist, but it’s on YOU to decide to stay with one and to have a kid with one. Your abuser didn’t impregnate you against your will; you chose to have unprotected sex with him.
Things will improve once you take responsibility for your life: start working, provide for your family, create a safe environment for your kid, and don’t welcome any more abusers into your daughter’s life.
even "protected" sex, is not a good idea. Can't protect against a broken heart, oxytocin which is released whether you want it or not. Sexual sobriety is everything.
Sometimes guys prick holes in the condom to sabotage a woman.
How do you know what happened? You're denying her reality. He could have removed the condom or split it. How dare you blame her when she's said that he did it purposely. We need to believe victims.
You also need to Google cognitive dissonance, DARVO and the trauma bond. Stop victim blaming
@@the.toxic.phoenix Naomi didn’t say in her letter that she was sexually assaulted, nor she said he poked holes in their protection.
And no, I’m not victim-blaming. I’m reminding Naomi that she has power to make different choices and to take full responsibility for her life.
SO many women DO have to stay because of finances! Maybe they've had a big career break to have children and now have lower earning capacity. The current economy, is really hard to live in one income, even if you can get a job. And she may have nothing in the bank to get going, my nex was financially controlling so I didn't have a penny to call my own or access without him seeing. You're blaming the victim without acknowledging the reality of these relationships. Women's shelters are HORRIFIC!! And why shouldn't she rely on him whilst she is getting ready to leave, if he's been using her for years?!
I can't believe you are blaming her for not leaving. Leaving ISN'T easy and it's the most dangerous time, it's when most women are killed by their abusive male partner.
And she DID say she acknowledges her pattern of behaviour in selecting a partner! She thought she did a little better with him, but he lied to her. Perhaps you need to read up on trauma bond and cognitive dissonance and how hard it to leave.
I'm really shocked. I enjoy your videos but now I'm really reconsidering. This wasn't the right way to empower this woman, you just blamed her and others like her for something in the past that she cannot now change. Also MANY abusers threaten to get custody the children. MANY women are terrified about how their child will be treated by the abuser when they're alone with them during contact.
I hear you. I think there was a "scent" of shaming in Anna's feedback to Naomi's letter.
l😅j
I see the feeling that "they will change for me" as evidence of covert narcissism. Who they hell do you think you are that anyone would do anything for you? No one owes you anything. In fact, YOU owe the world for all the years you were useless to others. It's not your fault, but it's the price of existence. You have to do work to live, economically and relationally. At no point can you stop working. Deal with it.
Yeah, she’s still attention seeking writing this letter
How so??!!
...at age 21 i tried to hang myself over a breakup because i didnt want to have a second sexual.oartner..i associated moree than one sexual.partner in life with being a whxre ( thxs repeated childhood sexual abuse).. anywho.mi bght my 1st self help book "woman who love too much" im so thankful to the gods that maybe, that even at that young age, i was uncomfortable with trauma work.that forced on the othe roerson and not on why I WAS REACTING OR CHOOSING to stay where i was being mistreated and unhappy? Thankfully to people like Anna, i am clearer....it definitely starts with me....
~I remember that book!~I was in a group therapy by that same name, based on that book....but i will add, even after a year of that weekly group therapy, Anna's videos have helped me far more than that book or group did!~