LIMERENCE: Abandonment Wounds Cue Partners to Discard You
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 24 ม.ค. 2022
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Neglect by a parent (or the loss of them) can leave an emotional wound on a child that affects them all their lives. How many times have you fallen for someone, only to find that you weren’t valued, your existence was a secret someone's "real" relationship, relegating you to the status of "side chick?" The consequences of this pattern don’t just daw you to the wrong person; the pattern leads to behaviors that drive away good people who would otherwise seek a relationship with you. In this video I respond to a letter from a young woman trying to find a way to either forget or transform a relationship with a man who treats her as a secret girlfriend.
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Parents can be present in the home and still create an atmosphere of abandonment. Sadly, I have been in a state of limerence since highschool. Your talks about limerence have helped me understand my unsuccessful relationship (or in some cases "unrelationships", ha ha) history. Looking back I can see I was so desperate for the love and validation I never got from my parents(I was the scapegoat), I would accept anything from someone even the smallest amount of attention. For a long time I thought I was mentally ill and not a suitable partner material. These discussions have enabling me to forgive myself my past behavior.
Your story is very relatable. I was also the scapegoat and still struggle with feeling "too mentally ill/ unwell" for anyone and I recently turned 40.
It's called emotional abandonment. Some of the most painful abandonment can be the person sitting next to you in the same room, treating you like you don't exist...or that they prefer you didn't exist.
@@chachadodds5860 I feel that!
I so identify with this! God bless you 🙏 ❤
Yes!!! My parents were married for 44 years before my Mom died. Dad has since passed away too. They were physically available to me ALL THE TIME, but ZERO emotional support. I’m 52 and still in limerence. They also modeled to me the typical Narcissist (dad) - Codependent (mom) dynamics
is it just me, or have these videos helped more than therapy ever has?
these videos have helped me way more than therapy. My therapist didn't even diagnose me with CPTSD! I figured it out from listening to these videos.
@@antoniacallas4370 I've been in therapy (CBT, DBT) for about 6 years now and I also never got diagnosed with CPTSD. Also, my last therapist was trying to help me accept this kind of behavior instead of acknowledging it was destructive... even when I said it made me feel like a bad person :(
I actually on my last session I told my therapist 'by the way, I found on TH-cam a new channel and CPTSD seems to fit me, just so you know' xD
You betcha
A lot of therapists are clueless about this. I love it that Anna teaches how fruitless talk therapy is in situations like ours. Just work on today!! and heal!!
Story of my life…figuring it out at 63. Never too late to heal 🌼
I'm 51 and still struggling with hopelessness
Sending you love!!
Same here. You're not alone.
69.....no, never too late.🙏🏻🥰
I’ve got you beat . I’m 69. My last trauma was age 49, going through marriage collapse and divorce . I began educating myself about relationships, etc .
The "respect yourself, be strategic, take it slow" advice applies to all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones.
Its true but not a magic bullet either. Last relationship I was in, I did all these things and set boundaries and raised flags and discussed my concerns with him. He was very good at making me feel like I had been heard and that he respected me but his actions said different. I didn’t leave early enough and he bailed just after the point where I committed. I was devastated. Boundaries take practice, effort and commitment from both sides.
I got myself out of limerence but it was hard. It’s like breaking an addiction. You have to change much more about your life than you ever would have thought. Here are a few things I did:
1. Use dating apps to go on dates regularly. Once a week if you can. This helps dilute each individual’s value in your mind. You may fall in limerence with 3 people in 3 weeks, and it’ll hurt, but your brain will start to learn that there is no shortage of love and no one magical person who will give you that rush. You will also become less anxious about dating and start to see it as practice. You may make a fool of yourself 20 first dates in a row, but eventually it’ll become natural and that feeling of being in control will give you a lot of confidence. Don’t expect to meet your soulmate, expect to gain experience. You can even tell your dates “I’m trying to become more comfortable dating, it’s scary for me.” Honesty feels good and you’ll find a lot of people feel the same way.
2. Allow yourself to have an infatuation with a fictional character. This will allow you to keep dipping your fingers into that limerence drug without any potential for hurting yourself more. If that Person crosses your mind, think of your character instead. Daydream and watch their media, you can even write journal entries about them. Don’t do this alone, do it while you follow step 1. The point is not to be in a relationship with an imaginary friend, it’s to compartmentalize your strong feelings and release them only when you’ve made an intellectual decision.
3. Enrich your life. I know it’s cliche but when it rains it pours. Become the one who got away! Read books, take classes, make art. Join a religious or athletic community. While almost nothing feels as euphoric as limerence, a lot of things feel euphoric enough to get you through the day. Take all the dopamine you can get from every positive outlet you can think of. This will allow you to heal and grow, it will make you into the kind of attractive joyful person who natural attracts love, and it will put you out into the world where that love will come to you easily.
Good luck ❤
Good job! The struggle is real and your suggestions are appreciated!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Fantastic advice x
Or avoid romantic relationships altogether and work on becoming a more whole, stable, self-reliant person so that when you re-enter that arena, you are able to be dedicated to yourself first and foremost.
This was so helpful thank u so much. I am struggling with this and see no light at the end of the tunnel
Ooooh I’d love to see how I can apply this married! I def want to use all my delicious energy for my spouse, but see that younger part of me (which recently) became awakened to limerence or other attention for hits of excitement. I love how specific and intentional this is.
1.Never date someone who's already in relationship.
2. Never get involved with people where you have to hide something and where there's a deception involved.
3. Treat yourself with respect (don't agree to anything/throw yourself as a doormat hoping you will be a couple) , then other people will respect you.
Yup.
Exactly, what type of shared relationship is that-for all parties.
@@Charity-vm4bt Some women want the benefits of a relationship but act like they are single. They often have many, many male platonic "friends" waiting for their chance. If her boyfriend expresses any uneasy feelings about this, he is accused of being over jealous with trust issues. If the man has even one female friend, he is found guilty with no trial. Women who need to surround themselves with many men are self centered and hypocritical. Maybe this is biological? Men are generous and principled by nature. No. Much like your comment, I was describing a select group of females based on my personal experiences and observations. It by no means signifies some inherent biological trait found in females but absent in males. Or vice-versa. To make broad sweeping conclusions based on a few personal experiences is quite frankly offensive.
@@Charity-vm4bt Wow! I'm a male that's been dealing with a female's narcissistic abuse for a couple years now. There are many women like what I described. Some men also. "Good for them"? You sure have a sexist point of view. What I was trying to get at was these are narcissistic issues, not male vs female issues. But apparently the negative impacts of having double standards is a narcissistic trait you have no problem with.
@@Charity-vm4bt Just curious as to why you deleted you're comment that I was first replying to.
I love that younger girls are getting help early. I'd give anything for my 25 year old self to know this. Also, I hope people are putting the early sex/ distorted thinking about a person pattern together.
oh me too!
Saaame. When you’re older and don’t meet as many ppl I start thinking about all the good guys I let go trying to make the unavailable ones love me
Me three!
Me four 😖...thankfully I'm on the other side of this now but wow this video made SO MUCH SENSE to me ... I wish you all the strength and courage to love yourself first ❤️
💯💯💯Allison. Me too!
He lied when he said "I've never cheated before." And it gave him power that you felt that you were "corrupting" him.
100%
How sad that a woman thinks that opening doors, buying movie tickets and a dinner is viewed as being "treated like a princess" no baby, that's normal. But someone love starved, which is most who suffered childhood trauma, every crumb is s Thanksgiving feast. Having childhood trauma is like having perpetual bullshit goggles on with no sense of normalcy.
So true.
Yesss. But then whats considered princess treatment
@@LemonAdeYesPlease i wouldn't know 🤣🤣
@@LemonAdeYesPlease No reciprocal gift giving or caring?
Thank you for NOT normalizing being with someone who's already in a relationship with someone else. It seems like a value that's been lost in todays society.
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Agreed, ESPECIALLY when you’re supposed be married! By the time I was able to confirm the side chick, it made me wonder how many there were in the 10 yrs we were married.
He lied a lot so in all fairness, not even sure they even knew he had a family, but it no way excuses it.
Once you find out they are in a commitment, and they want to cross the boundary, then it’s up to YOU to maintain YOUR boundaries - and END it, REGARDLESS of where you fit into this Pandora’s box (side chick or the spouse).
As you can see, from your past, or the patterns, they will use you and while they keep their life in tact (by conveniently keeping you out through exclusion of key people and places) - you’re NOTHING but a dirty little secret and will discard you quickly as soon as it’s convenient for him.
You LOOSE in the end as they will never loose their facade of stability and permanence. Even if you become the main, someone else will become the side chick. They have a pattern of cheating.
You’re welcome. He’s NOT Prince Charming - he is a douchebag.
I am a middle-aged man. About eight years ago I met in church activities a woman a few years my junior. She was emotionally needy, which made me feel safe and I became her best friend (her words). I knew her parents had divorced, which I took as a red flag. After two years she told me she has "almost not dated ever" but would not clarify. She constantly let slip all kinds of things, then protested angrily when I asked about them but usually answered my question soon with a twist or a new slip.
One year more and she had a routine operation and I was the only one to visit her in the hospital. She acted impolite and selfish and that put me off, but for some reason I fell for her a year later. After one very intense and taxing summer I found out that I was one of four of her nice guys. One traveled with her abroad for a short holiday, but after she disregarded his romantic gestures, he never wanted to see her again. One was depressed. She spent holidays with his family but the family realized she was leading him on and did not want to see her anymore. The fourth one was autistic but devilishly handsome. They shared a nerdy hobby she was not really good at. She was dying and crying to be with him and he had no clue why.
At the end of the summer I realized this part of what was going on and did not message her for a few days. I felt used (though that was what I unwittingly had agreed to in the first place). She panicked. After we started talking and meeting each other again I tried to make up for my reaction or "betrayal". I patiently expected her to clean up her act or "realize" that I was her "best option" but she became increasingly difficult to be around, even ruined for me an event we went to together (I invited her and paid for her meal) while still maintaining that I was her best friend. I believed that since she did not seem to get along with other women.
Then she had a hardware problem at home. She sent me a video where she described what had happened and said that she wanted the device "on me… I mean, on". A Freudian slip if there ever was one. Before I had time to reply she had gone to visit some dude unfamiliar to me to find a temporary solution. I later learned that this was one of (clearly many) guys she had been sleeping (and only sleeping) with and the one she had earlier "almost not dated at all". The most I did with her were a few friendly hugs and we were supposed to be chaste church-going young adults. Late that same year I stopped messaging her for good. We saw each other in passing, in semi-friendly terms during the following year, but that was it. Haven't been eager to be with anyone since. Of course I was suffering from absolute limerence during that summer and fall. I was already struggling with my studies in university and these events ruined the last semi-promising restart for good.
@@seriouscat2231
Please read or listen to Doc Love. You'll see. He talks exactly about what you just described. It's nothing new, that's for sure.
@@supercoolyguy, the idea I get is that he's selling stuff for men who want to get a woman. Like I said, I am not looking for anyone.
A book that helped me immensely with relationships is "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them". Highly recommend.
@precious It's such a great, eye-opening book.
…Someone needs to write the Sequel…”Men Who Love Women., but Can’t Find a Woman to Love Him”😊
I actually read this book 35 yes ago and left a relationship that could have been worse.....only to turn around and marry someone just like the previous one. Found the book again and rereading it again
Should be mandatory reading for all high school girls.
@Lisa Leger Absolutely agree. I hope you are ok now. It helped me get away from an abusive relationship & I gave a copy to my sister but put a romance cover on it so her hubby wouldn't get suspicious. Helped her to finally get a divorce. I can't believe how much it teaches a person. Invaluable information. I bought & gave away copies.
I read this one. Deep.
Thank you for not wasting time trying to diagnose the "narcissist". We can't heal if we're focusing our healing on the other person, their feelings, their actions, their healing...🙄 It's codependent. We need to prioritize ourselves.
It is still important to get to know the way of the narc to be able to recognize them.
Yes 🙌🏼
💯 Love this
Thank you! I’m so over everything being about a narcissist when it’s kind of narcissistic in itself to stay in the victim mindset when you really can just do the work for yourself. People are overdoing it trying to label everyone as a narcissist.
It’s not a 🚩 it’s a STOP 🛑 SIGN!!
Yes, that's the word for it!
😂😂😂 yes
Yer not wrong.
I get a rush of good feelings when I hear Anna say, "you're a real girl with real feelings". It's so good! I've started saying it to myself when I'm feeling vulnerable and defensive.
Same
Me too
I cried. I’ve felt so invisible.
I wish I had written that whole speech down. It would make a fabulous poster!
*hello dear do you wish to manifest your Ex, crush back or someone you love dearly?*
Limerence was one of the very worst experiences of my life. I went through it twice. It's like having a very close loved one die every single day and you experience the loss intensely over and over again and again each day. It was a horrible mind-bending trap I felt I had no control over. I worked hard to get myself out of it and decided to never have that feeling again. You CAN take control of it and you can end it. Believing you have no control over your sorrow is a fallacy. You CAN do it!
I needed to read this, thank you.
@@jainy1707 I am hoping this finds you well and strong. When we stop believing other people are somehow magical, perfect, soul mate, there to fulfill something we can break free. Sending you good wishes!
Yes, I agree. It was AWFUL! He was all that I thought about. I was unable to maintain a job or even normal executive functions because my obsessions were so bad. I'm autistic and I and prone to ruminate. This happened after I had my second baby, I believe it was a form of postpartum psychosis/postpartum breakdown. I also had left a narcissistic abuser who I'd been with off and on for eight years, and I had known him most of my life, and he shattered my sense of himself when he be in saying horrible things about me. I also had a lot of other intrapersonal issues that were affecting me at the time, I was not diagnosed with autism until a year after I left my abuser and that was around the time I had my baby/pp issues. The limerence lasted about 5 months.
@@Pugetwitch So very happy you were able to break that mind trap. Also happy for you to get a solid diagnosis. Sometimes people can go decades without a proper DX. I hope you and your child are well!
@@jamiejoygatto but my girl is magical and love is beautiful.
As a man who was not looking for this video, I’m blown away by the quality advice and tools your are giving people especially younger women on your channel. There are so many pitfalls in life, but having a genuine, wise, mature, and knowledgeable person here to guide your audience is one the best things you can be providing for the benefit of humanity. I hope you end up with 1M subscribers soon, I know I’m definitely subscribing to see what you talk about next.
Aw shucks. Thanks.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I actually wish it was a little bit more neutral or inclusive of men and that it wasn't as clearly focused on women as it is. Men go through the exact same struggles with codependence, limerence, emotional flashbacks, triggers, and the other fallout from childhood ptsd. Men can also be the "side-chick" to use the term in this video. I wonder if your viewer stats are skewed that heavily towards women? I'm a man and I've watched your channel for many years.
@@goldmidwestAnna is responding to the person who wrote the letter. So, if more men would write...
And here's the best one for men, or life in general: Corey Wayne.
I've been ghosted so many times, and I can definitely relate to this. I probably was the side chick or the passing entertainment, without even realising it!
Same thoughts.
After a seriously humiliating ghost breakup, I got treatment for depression. Recently, an attractive guy told me sex comes first, then a relationship. I smirked and said "I don't have to do shit". He said ,"You'll be alone" I said: In that case, I'll pick up my skis, and go to Vail".
Were you ghosted by the same person?
@@turnthepage867 You’re a bad ass!!! But what does go to vail mean?
@@juliehernandez80 It means: I can move around in a higher social circle, and meet someone better than him. 🔥
The depth of your longing is a direct reflection of the depth of your wound. Limerence feels like it’s about the object of our desire put it’s actually about the depth of our attachment trauma. I know now when I start to feel limerence I’m feeling my own wounding, my own unmet needs, my own self begging for me to see me.
@@PreYeah so very well said
@@PreYeah 👆 This, 💯 We may be filling a gap in ourselves because we weren't allowed to develop as a complete person in the beginning. Sadly, this probably requires A LOT of self-reflection and parenting of ourselves to discover who we are, and what we want and deserve in life before including others in our lives.
Brilliantly and wisely said!!
@@PreYeah It’s a learned behavior from the trauma. It’s really very logical if you think about it. We learn to please others. We learn to hyper focus outside of self to actually (unconsciously) protect self. Fantasy of other is also chemically addicting. Releases all those bonding hormones that feel good. And limerance/fantasy is safe because we’re not truly being vulnerable or intimate.
@@PreYeah Just like a mirror. The object of our limerance, who are usually unavailable on some level even if just emotionally unavailable or uncapable of intimacy, anyways they mirror for us the same inability to see us. They make us feel as invisible as we already feel. And in an odd way that creates resonance.
No matter how much it hurts, if someone wants to walk out of your life or not want any part of it……
LET THEM GO!
You are worth so much more!
Thanks encouraging!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I know, but my anxiety over being abandoned is absolutely emotionally *and* physically crippling. It's less traumatic to stay single - which weirdly makes be feel unsafe. It's a damned battlefield no matter what I do!
Im the same wayyyyy@@pixiewings21_9
EVERYTHING parents do and say have a profound effect on every child. EVERYTHING. Parents have so much power, but instead of love they act out of their own ignorance. Passing it on to next generation.
I'm 54 years old and limerance has plagued me all my life until The Crappy Childhood Fairy enlightened me. (Lust, love and magical thinking) I was so unaware of this behavior. My stomach sank, I knew this was MO. It was such a shock. 10 years of therapy never gave me such eye-opening information into WHY I struggled with romantic relationships. Now that I can see it, I can change it. Relieved and mortified at the same time.
Some people feel harder than others.
Well done Laura! You have chance for better life!
Thank you Laura for saying this. This has been me as well, I couldn't figure it out and you said it perfectly! Now I will be able to heal as well.
Same, Laura. Same. I’m glad you found help.
Laura! You hit it right on the head. This is me too. Thanks for sharing.
I have been treated like the young woman writing, and the person KNEW I was going along because of abandonment wounds. They actually explained to me why I was going along with it. Years later, I sadly realized they were right. There are predators out there, and they know how to pick their prey. They don't care you're wasting time instead of finding a healthy relationship.
No one is your enemy. No one is your friend... Everyone is your teacher... She was your teacher.... What if what she said clicked right then and there. Maybe deep down that's what she hoped for. I think people like that truly hate themselves for hurting people... But can't admit it....
Toxic people are toxic. They know exactly what they're doing. Its all games. A "weakened" prey is easy target. My ex knew damn well what he was doing too. Part of it, pressured me to keep my mouth shut by claiming he was a "private person"..obviously he was not. They know what they're doing. They lie but its their own issues that they haven't healed from, so they choose to be di*ks. Bold of your ex to admit it. Makes them that much more of a d-bag.
@Siobhan Fogarty I agree. If you don’t give things away for free, there won’t be any “customers.” I got rid of a few uninvited friends this way too.
@Siobhan Fogarty i made friends who didn’t let me go out of my way to serve them and insisted on thing like paying me back, doing favors for me in return, even when i didn’t want them to. it made me realize how well i can be treated. I’m grateful to them for showing me i don’t have to subject myself to have relationships🤷🏻♀️
@Siobhan Fogarty Bad people always find ways to rationalize and distance themselves from their behavior. One of their favorite tactics is to blame their victims for their own abuse. Your long - pretending to be nice and “common sense” analogy - basically equates to - “it’s your fault for being so easy to abuse and exploit. If you weren’t there in front of me, I wouldn’t be abusing you. The onus is on you to stop the abuse.” Meanwhile the abuser is well aware of what they are doing and refuses to stop. The analogy regarding “free housekeeping” completely erases the agency of the abused. They are just “letting something happen”. When in fact, abusers target people who will fit their ego needs. I’m guessing Siobhan Fogarty is a narcissist who loves to talk circles around people in order to feel “holier than thou” and “above the fray” while at the same time sadistically enjoying taking advantage of people aka the “free housekeeping”. I mean imagine how little empathy you’d have to have, to see others as simply “free housekeeping”?
Holy cow it felt like I had written that letter. I know almost exactly how she feels. 28 years old, terrified of being emotionally vulnerable with a man, & terribly afraid I will be alone forever because of it.
Glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Most likely will
Worse, u could be with those men
Well, at least You have HOPE when You're Young, but NOT when you are OLD.
Alone is so much h better than with these dudes. The ideal is still to find a partner, but if you don’t life is so
Much better than having to deal with the trauma they cause
She’s so lucky she is learning this at 25. I ended up marrying a man who, turns out, was just using me while living a double life on the side. I lost 20+ years of my life. Still learning these lessons at 48 and trying to heal the CPTSD that I never knew I had. And I’m not a “dumb girl”. I could see the mistakes other people were making in there relationships but was so completely blind to the mistakes I was making. And even when I had a suspicion I couldn’t think clearly enough to get out of it. The mind plays such tricks
You have a whole life of freedom ahead of you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Compliments to the girl who wrote that letter. Her expression is very honest and to the point. Could hear myself speaking the same words.
Thank you both!
Appreciate you watching and commenting!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy As a guy, here is my logical two cents on the issue. If someone can correct me, please do so.
She found someone good-looking. She also then realises Noah is dating someone else, yet she proceeds anyway excused by term of “daddy issues.” Aka a more profound desire to seek attention from men.
Women getting involved with unavailable men is nothing new, and is an evolutionary drive.
Similarly to the way human females are one of the only “species” on this earth that can hide their ovulation period.
She mentions Noah opening doors, and doing other basic things like paying for the movie ticket, yet glamorises these things because of his visage. This is called infatuation.
So we can conclude that limerence is simply the magnified desire of attention seeking all women (men too) have?
Seems ridiculous to have to explain how dating unavailable people is a fools folly.
This. She wanted the unavailable good looking guy. It was an ego boost. He chose to cheat on his girlfriend with her -ego boost.
Cheating is a no no. Cannot rationalize it with daddy issue excuses.
@@zamar2158 there is a difference between an excuse and an explanation. Often times, having an explanation can help a person from repeating a situation.
@@christinajackson3461 true
Do people actually COMPLAIN about your pencil?¿?¿ It´s my favorite part. Especially when you tell us each time your circling because you´re going to go back to key issues. Classic stuff, Anna. Thank you.
IF and when you may meet up on the street again....just pretend to not know him...or pretend to be someone else....sorry, that is probably not the best; but such "rebellion" is irresistible to me in the face of (inexorable) rejection! Ha ha!
Same... I love the pencil too
I have this HUGE repugnance for humans who need to be "spoon-fed" concerning "having to EARN" the respect from others, as opposed to RESPECT freely being given!...( in most cases).
Love you Anna!
Ahhhaha
Thank God I found all this at 22, I could’ve been stuck forever. How sickening and twisted this mental cage can be if you’re unaware.
Glad it was helpful. Jack@TeamFairy
I used to be exactly the same way, degrading to myself. We grow and we learn. I saw a therapist a few times and she left me with a good message, if you have all the ingredients to have good friends in your life, then you have the same ingredients to hold a good healthy romantic relationship.
That is beautiful advice
I have waited 5 years for a taken man, knowing that I actually didnt want him, but this limerence pull always made me think there was a special bond between us. Wasted my best years with daydreaming. Now Im so bitter..need to heal
you still have life left, your best years are the ones you still have.
Your best years cannot be the ones when you had been daydreaming and felt miserable. Your best years are yet to come.
@@Juniperus_Godegara yes but its almost impossible to find a single, healthy man..all if them are taken ...
Limerence is typ. coming from attachment style core wounds and, possibly, traumas experienced along the way from previously maligned and projecting failed attempts at soothing one's attachment style ~triggers and ~wound(s) .... Hence, ~[Attraction (Why we are attracted to the people we are attracted to) by Teal Swan] for those folks. That ~baggage coupled with limerence can, depending on one's personality, turn into many covert-contractings within oneself, family members - siblings and/or parents reinforcing a source-family group-triggering - who share the same tendency/ies resulting in reinforced projections of one's own ~wishful thinking sans the, otherwise, succinct and healthy, timely communication and pursuant collaboration which might, in itself, be an exercise to mis-use the energy of the imagination via ~toxic daydreaming to self-soothe (i.e., literotica, spending too much time journaling without _open_ and targeted productive growth where it needs to be in the relationship upon reflection of one's source of fear/anxiety). Those who serve as the ~primary/secondary limerent object/crush/infatuation is oblivious (or, could also be an accessory to) the background activities that creep and triangulate the breaching of healthy boundaries, usurping any trust for a healthy boundaried _interdependence_ for alternative soothing techniques which create via and unto itself the mindset of over-compensating breaches of those boundaries and reinforcement of one of their greatest fears turned a hyperbolic runaway dismissive/avoidant ~reactionary abuse of oneself, loss of trust and believing in the imagined fear of abandonment - taking on [desperation measures] in order to soothe/deflect/spin-control an alternative, plausible narrative through a limerent object. Take care.
(voice-to-text entry here with a modicum of editorializing)
Hang in there been there many times! I’m 35! My best years gone! I waited 4. At the end I’m glad I’m not the wife! And for sure, very aware now. 2 years1/2 alone now. Not afraid of being single anymore. If I do t get what I want! It’s a NO!
Damn, she nailed it! She’s definitely cheaper than therapy and faster getting to the solution.
Kinda stings to know that things aren’t our fault that happened and yet we get to be punished for it time and time again.
I've found that if you are bold enough to tell people what you want (nothing to lose here) tell them what you expect in your relationship, tell them what standard you require to be WITH YOU! you will see a giant shift in the quality of people you keep around you or you attract. Be BOLD and brave and say out loud "this is what I want!" and don't settle for less because you are not less! I promise all of you hurting once you pull yourself up and have that great job, and have that great outfit/hairdo/ friends....don't let trash in in the form of a low quality mate. They will waste your lifetime. And when you see how precious time is...TIME is more important that any cute disillusioned guy. You only have one life. This is not a dress rehearsal.
Not really. It’s why many experts recommend never telling a man what you want; bc he’ll just fake it until you’re trapped.
@@nataliaalfonso2662 I'm quick about resolving people like that too. I had one guy like that, I told him if he doesn't knock it off I'm gone, he continued so I left. Simple as. Don't bring children into a relationship you're not sure of, don't say or think it'll fix your relationship because that's stupid, make sure you stay working and have your own money. It's a case of common sense and mutual respect.
@@nataliaalfonso2662 Well I am speaking from experience and I'm happily married to a decent man, how's the expert advice working for you?
I will say that HANDS DOWN the single best thing i did for my mental health was eating better. I started eating more meat and organs and eggs and milk. I started putting magnesium chloride into my water and juice. I quit drinking coffee and alcohol to numb the pain. To anyone reading this, you will be AMAZED at how much life changes when you commit to healing your body and healing your gut. It was like overnight a TON of my codependent and limerence issues evaporated and i was free. I finally broke up with an ex who did not return the love i gave him and who was ultimately a user. I dont pine for people and friendships and cry all the time like i used to. I feel like im in a way more stable place with peace of mind and none of the boredom.
I hear you. It provides stability from inside if we are properly nourished. The highs and lows of sugar and toxic supermarket foods and all their fake gums, emulsifiers and msg masked as yeast extracts. It’s probably been both helping me - healthy eating and the stability/nourishment (no sugar highs/lows/crashes). I was also using food to self soothe instead of other self soothing things that are healthy.. and also having awareness of trauma and pain to process it instead of living it out unconsciously..
@@hadassah6085 the immense heaviness of all the sadness i carried inside of me was just.....swept away. No dramatic crystalline epiphanies, i just woke up and it was gone. Yes pls no processed foods and sugars. They only exacerbate the problem! I wish you well on your journey to peace and stability!☺
Fasting too
This is a fascinating comment. I’ve had gut issues on and off since I was a kid. I’ve also had limerence issues since I was a kid, although I just discovered this term and found out this was my problem. There is a huge connection I know between mental health and brain chemicals and the gut too. I think I’m going to try changing some things in my diet. Thank you!! 💘
On a side note, starting my day with protein and eating it throughout the day helps me with my ptsd. There is perhaps a connection with anxiety and limmerance being managed through the awareness of it mentally and also having body fuelled enough with the right things, not to fall into an extremely anxious state..
I asked so many therapists how to handle limerence over so many years. And you're the only one who's had any clue how it even works for those of us with crappy childhoods. Anna, you're just the best.
Sonja! Thank you.
You know what? Why do you think your therapist would know every random little hyper specific mental health word? You know how many forms of therapy, how many words, and how many mental illnesses there are that are always being added to and changed? You know some of this is theoretical, for example CPTSD is not even a real diagnosis yet. Perhaps explain to your therapist what you’re talking about rather than just being like “oh you don’t know you must suck.” Perhaps you also need a different kind of therapist if your needs aren’t met.
@@BruhWhyDidTheyChangeThis There's no need to be rude and nasty. Limerence is such a common thing, not just with CPTSD but with other disorders as well. Thankfully it's becoming more and more understood as time goes by, but this is supposed to be a supportive channel and you're being aggressive for no reason.
Agree, this woman is amazing. Can't believe I just discovered her channel
@@shimmeringchimps3842 if you think that comment was “rude and nasty”, you need to get off the internet lmao
"He didnt wanted a serious relationship but I hoped that he will love me with time" Doesn't this happen to every woman when they are after that guy?
Yeaaa happens
You didn’t mention parents that don’t physically leave but are emotionally unavailable anyway and abusive, that also leads a lot of women into the side chick trap. Dad was only home every three months, and mum was abusive and would lash out her frustrations at myself and my siblings, but mostly at me. As a woman I almost ended in side chick situations way too many times, only attracting emotionally unavailable users and sociopaths. What has prevented me from full on falling into that kind of relationship was my pride. Id ignore the red flags literally for a couple of months, eat the lies of “I broke up with my ex before we started”, also attracted the “Im in a long distance relationship” users, and learned how that is code for I just want to have enough distance from my partner to fuck around while in a relationship; and a few weeks in once I’d start feeling the obvious, that the guy was not going to treat me like relationship material, I would lash out at them and call them out. Obviously the next thing those kinds of sociopaths do once they realize that you do have some degree of self respect after all is ghost you. But for the longest time in my life all I attracted were emotionally unavailable users who wanted me only for that. This was the pattern. Until I stopped and vouched to become a celibate, and only let any guy get any close if he was emotionally available from the get go. As a single I am in peace and will only allow for anyone in if they don’t disrupt that peace and balance. I have come a very long way as far as healing is concerned and understand now that I am way too good for most, and only the woman for a very special few in this current patriarchal society. You have spoken way too many truths here for those females who like me started shit patterns for themselves out of childhood trauma. So many of them do indeed enter side chick relationships with these entitled narcs. I can only hope that they listen and do decide to make the shift.
She did mention that clearly actually.
Wtf are you taking about a patriarchal society, women hold every privilege in society. The reason you’re alone is cause you listen to your dirty feminist friends. You’re a dummie is what you are
😂 You had me up until "patriarchal societies."
Sorry, but I don't fall for sexual politics, which only serve to hold women back in a bitter mentality of perpetual victimhood....after all, half of the world's population are potential "oppressors" at that point, right?
What a tiresome way to live, and makes me suspicious of who the true narcissists are these days.....half of humanity, with its "male privilege" or women who have been brainwashed into viewing men as enemies.
You didn’t “attract” those men you “chose” those shitty Men.
@@jenniferraymond9766 but it is a patriarchal society. Unless you have some insight into why you think we live in a matriarchal society?
If they cheated on them they will cheat on you. Him having relationship should be a no go zone.
Right. Plus bad karma.
I have nothing but disdain for men who behave this way. Maybe "Noah" has his own set of problems, but that doesn't excuse him from being a creep and taking sexual advantage of vulnerable women while he is in the midst of a relationship. Ladies, steer far, FAR away from these dudes.
But most dudes are like this. When men have options, they use them.
VH. My ex narc did this.
Ladies..You get to choose who gets between Your Legs..Comming from a Guy that’s always been in perpetual Friend Zone in his Younger Years…watching My Lady Friends fall and chase after the unavailable Guys despite knowing these Guys past discrepancies. Women are drawn to the Dark Triad Men like Moths to Fire..and when these Women do meeting decent Guys, and they do meet a lot of Decent Guys but these Ladies end up using them and leaving these Guys scared to the point these Guys start exhibiting the same traits of the Dark Triad just to cope. and the disfunction jumps from host to host..Know your attraction triggers n rewire or n Change Your outcomes.
@@herikoug328 wrong. No man approaches me. And the guys that do tell me they have a partner. I never let anyone cone near me but emotionally Im always drained by these guys.
Also, what was not mentioned in the video’s part of self-worth, was safety. Safety! He could harbour certain, “diseases,” that he might not tell you about. Aside from that, I was wondering about that creep’s actual girlfriend. Does she know about this? Does she care? The creep has ruined many relationships around him, including family. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself.
Aside from that, these videos are full of insight and quite fascinating. Love yourselves!💝
You know, we might as well QUIT BEING AFRAID OF BEING ALONE. I am 54 and watched my two older female relatives meet the end of their days on this earth. They were in nursing homes, and, yup, alone. The fact is, men marry younger and die sooner, and the even sadder fact is, one quarter of women diagnosed with a serious illness like breast cancer GET LEFT by men who can't deal.
We are highly, highly likely to spend part of our lives alone, especially the last part of our lives. If we can't be comfortable with that then we have some serious work to do.
It’s very hard to be that alone even if we have had a great childhood. I don’t think that is a signal of any pathology. If you agree to be with someone who is with someone else, there’s the pathology. It’s very human to not be comfortable being alone in the world.
I DEEPLY resent/dislike my mother (stereotypical, I know) but, my god, that poor woman is so terrified of being alone she’ll settle for any jackass; even those worse than my dad!
I pray my mother can heal and be ok ALONE. I have been voluntarily single for almost 5 years bc the thought of having to care for yet another person makes me fcking SICK lol 🤷🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm just really lonely.
Agreed. I'm nearly 60. I've been single for the last 15 years. I'm more at peace now than I've ever been. I love myself no matter what. It's been a long hard road out of hell.
@@DJNelson-ky4qd Some people have been alone more than they have been "together". Being alone stinks but it sure beats being "together" with someone who leaves you behind or abuses you verbally or physically and takes advantage of you on a daily basis. Narcissists are deadly.
Not everyone we ( i) lose is a loss. 🙏🏼
Right on!
-Cara@TeamFairy
... but it feels that way.
Whenever I start feeling limerent I take it as a sign that I'm not fully present in my body, but more in my head (cues fantasies/delusions). Working on creating a full happy balanced life (outside of relationships whether romantic or platonic) has really helped. Meditation also helps me feel more emotionally/mentally neutral, rational and most importantly, balanced.
This is what should be "taught in schools" if possible; a learning for life!
Meditation is a game changer 😍
Its just so terribly sad that people who had cruelty as children now have to guard themselves constantly in adult life from other cruel disregarding people. Whereas a small proportion of the population just simply meets someone else equally caring, reciprocal and attracted without any second guessing, cruelty or inconsistencies. It just happens easily and quickly. The truth is fate decides whether or not we will have real reciprocal nurturing romantic live on our lifetimes. Many of us will never have this but we can learn to love life in a myriad of ways (loving friends, children, pets, nature and the spirit of kindness etc) without the longing need as a child for acceptance ❤. I am unique and enough. Good luck survivors ❤😊
❤❤
@@tinamenon1593 the earth will always accept her children with open arms
I would like to know what is wrong with these people who use, abuse, and sideline us? What is THEIR malfunction??
It’s not like these are normal well adjusted people. They have no conscience about the games they play with obviously vulnerable, obviously sincere people.
@@DeshaunDamon well said!
Yes it's disgusting and disappointing
@@DeshaunDamon Omg! Yes. I have just gotten out of a relationship EXACTLY like this. You explain it perfectly.
@Inrivaallagofornow Yes, I get what you're saying and you are correct about it 'not being my job' or bother to understand the 'why' -- it just is. Shouldn't that be enough? It's not always. A lot of what you say sounds right, but some of those phrases are platitudes. And real life is more nuanced. In my experience what you don't know/understand can come back to bite you again. If you understand it -- please hear that I am not saying control or fix or judge, but understand, it's incredibly helpful. I learn so much about myself -- and keeps the focus on myself and helps me stop repeating the same behavior.
@@Sarablueunicorn Trust me it's not just men. CPTSD just attracts this type of thing. Unfortunately I know from personal experience.
I encountered it so much and to such a painful degree I started to have a fear and resentment towards women.
Then mom got sick and I was forced to get help. I saw the flip side of the coin. Great women out there caring for us helping more than they had to help. After she passed away I had a revival of mind after a period of crashing hard.
There is good and bad everywhere unfortunately the bad tends to make themselves stand out, and you are right they need to be held accountable rather than always excused.
Limerance is a horrible disorder. I am going through it now and it hurts.
Anna is one of the few people who can recognize and empathize the silent pain a lot of us deal with. Thank you. You help us without being patronizing or selfish. These videos are like an emotional breakthrough. You're providing a valuable service.
She is AMAZING. I've been going to therapy, reading books about codependency and trauma, attending support groups, etc., since I was 13. I'm 50 and I've never heard these words exactly the way she states them
Wow. I truly wish I had heard these words 25 years ago.
Thanks so much! More of Anna in Crappy Childhood Fairy Land! www.crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes same here. My life still sucks after decades of hard healing work.
@@Goldenrod39I'm sorry 😔. I completely understand. Don't stop trying - it really can get better. It's getting better for me!
@@jenniferrosolinovonstoops6683 thx 🙂
Wow. This woman’s story is 100% what I went through in my 20s. I was on and off with this EXACT same man for SEVEN years. The way he treated her, kept her secret, the way she craved him, broken hearted, all of it. It took me over 2 years to get passed it and now I look back it total and complete APATHY. Thank god for recovery and self healing.
OMG how am I 49 and just learning this. I have been in limerence my WHOLE life!
This girl is reliving what she experienced with her father - trauma bonded to a pattern! Wow. What an eye opener! Stop running into burning buildings - step away! Good advice!
I'm learning while dating that every single man is secretly already dating someone or hung up on some magic woman from their past. I'm starting to think there's no such thing as an emotionally available man but still they will make themselves available for the women they want-- just no one wants me apparently 😒
@Inrivaallagofornow Well I don't take responsibility for the current non-committal, situation-ship culture I live in. But as for my gift I do have boundaries and a lack of desire to "win over" emotionally unavailable men. Not a bad gift to have for starters
@@Sarablueunicorn Completely agree. I'll look them up Thanks!
@@AllUserNamesAreUsed RC Blakes I think I'd who she was referring to 😉. He is really good with his YT videos.
Lila. Story of my life. 🤦🏾♀️
I am slowly but surely accepting that I’m unlovable. Oh well. My comfort lies in knowing I have an expiration date.
@@Sarablueunicorn its pretty simple actually. Men rig the entire game in their favor right from the start. Whether you're the side chick or the main squeeze, it's all about him. The vast majority of men are into "keeping their options open" even after marriage.
I'm in my mid 60s, was married twice but never had a successful relationship. Now, at this age, I realize the window is closed and I'll be alone the rest of my time on earth, never having had what I craved my entire life. To all those who still have time, do the work, make the changes, climb out of your past and find what you deserve. Thanks, CCF for your insight and direction.
NEVER say never .... love is possible at ANY age ! Keep your heart open and keep working on your best self. We NEVER stop evolving. I’m 54 and have felt that way but not now
I feel similar.. So disappointed in not have been truly loved as I deserve.I’m 56 . Dating someone for a year . Not sure about him yet .I don’t trust anyone!
However , I believe You can still find real love at any age .. I hope you find ❤️
I’m only 25! I’m right there with ya sister! It’s the men that are the real problem. It’s never been the women. We can work on ourselves as much as possible but that doesn’t change the men!! The MEN need to change how they treat us!!
Sixties? That's way too soon to give up on love. If you only find love for a week, or one year that's much more than a zero.
@@deelightful6124 yeah it happens but its not common and at our age we're going to end up being nurses if we even find someone. I'm trying to let it go.
I realized it’s not just about my dad or anyone in particular. It’s more that I want the love I have for others for myself. My love is big and I want that for myself externally. I try to give it to myself but it’s not the same.
I agree
Maybe because You have a 'bad object' internalized?
I just face reality that no one can ever love me like I do. Therefore no one is ever going to be truly worthy. So I no longer waste my time trying to pretend there could be. I’d rather give myself that love than to waste it on someone that can’t. Also I know I can’t ever meet anyone’s personal expectations either so… it’s a waste of time and emotion.
@@kristinabledsoe7692 and how does it feel for You?
Someone who already in relationship is not a red flag, it’s the great red wall of China.
So abandonment does cue or prompt mistreatment from men. Therapy has helped me a lot. I don't owe men anything. Skirt chasers can go to hell, and take the express.
I agree
My ex narc married his other side chick; he was seeing me behind her back. Poor Turkish lady.
From women too. Plenty of women abusers, I've gotten this treatment from women too and imo its been worse because they pretend to be a friend but sabotage you from within, ruined my whole life. And they get away with it because they are the eternal victims. With men its more open you know where you stand and its not total destruction, atleast not for me because I am not intimate with anyone I don't love and I don't love often, so they rarely get the best of me .
Funny how the same mental pattern can produce different results.
I have major abandonment issues; however that resulted in me being EXTREMELY self reliant and willing to discard anyone instantly if they are treating me poorly.
I think people with abandonment issues are just more aware of how transitory human relationships are. In the face of that you have 2 choices:
1) Attempt to create stability by externalizing your sense of security and clinging to whoever is available
2) Attempt to create stability by internalizing your sense of security and only relying on yourself
But over self-reliance isn't healthy either, its a trauma response. I have had to learn to find the balance. Interdependence is the best for a healthy relationship.
I'm a year late replying to this comment. I was just like you and then became the second, it is absolutely baffling how both patterns have affected me for the same exact internal issues. I think like another commenter said, balance is key because I figured I was being avoidant by just relying on myself and extremely codependent while relying on others...it's important to form healthy relationships without compromising your integrity and wellbeing.
Those are both trauma responses and can be mitigated through objective acknowledgement and reframing your inner dialogue.
@@Pugetwitch I have zero interest in changing my response. My response keeps me from throwing away my life on some loser
agreed, i have a dad who's always keeping me on subsistence. some people just need to have their heads bashed in before they finally 'get it'
Oh wow! This has been me with men all my life; accepting crumbs, giving too much, getting cheated on. Even my (ex) husband had a side-chick~ his car restoration hobby. This video has helped me a LOT. Crumbs, taking hits of the thinking about him, obsessively talking about him.... amazing. Not one therapist really helped with this at all.
some therapists might even judge you
I had a female friend treat me like a side chick. Minimizing our interactions, empty promises, never meeting her family after knowing her for years and living very close by. I finally cut off the Friendship when I realized it was all fake and she had no intentions of being close. Cptsd. This is a great example of accepting bread crumbs in any form just to feel the hope of something more.
Thank you for your comment. Glad you are here now.
Nika@TeamFairy
I can relate to this!
I’ve had limerence for so many men for years. I’ve finally learnt about boundaries. For ages I didn’t know what this was. I wish I didn’t waste my 20’s on unavailable men.
For me, basically it’s ‘what do I want? And does this make me feel good?’.
Not about the other person, which for so many years I was focussed on the other person as if id magically make them fall for me. I know its hard, but we know when something is ‘off’. Its so empowering to put this self respect muscle in to action. I recently did & although I still think about him a lot, i am not heartbroken because I actually stood my ground in terms of what I want from a relationship & therefore have restored my self respect & my trust in judgement.
Sounds like something I could have wtitten word for word.
Relatable. I feel so stupid for even allowing this shit to happen. I exactly when and how I fell into limerence - it’s trauma from when I got kicked out, trauma from being fondled as a young girl, being teased at school, taken advantage of at the same school. I’m just tired 😪!
@@PreYeah by the way that they act and things they say. I had one tell me that he's not interested in hearing what I had to say. I've had other guys just straight-up leave after they got what they wanted.
It’s interesting to me that I was always that “last option” for almost everyone but I never put up with it. I would take the abandonment before humiliating myself. I just realized I had really healthy boundaries and I was beating myself thinking I was the problem, not anymore!
me too, you end up being completely alone but it's less painful than having to put up with being the last option. Honestly, I feel you. I never really had anyone in my life because I refuse to be disrespected like that
@@syrollesse YES. Nothing feels better than having self respect.
I’m the same way. I’ve been so alone, because these men are always playing games, and I can’t even stand them! The hot cold turns me off so much that I get angry and will never speak to them again,but in turn, I’m completely alone. No matter how long I stay away from men and how much work I do on myself, I’m never meeting anything besides a f*ck boy.
@@toscadonna yeah its easy to say "oh just find a man who will respect and love you" like where? Where are they? Please do tell and show me where these men are hiding because I can't seem to see any
@@syrollesse story of EXISTENCE 🙄
“Treated me like a Princess” yeah and he’s Henry VIII.
Ouch! But also apt :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
As someone who's been through this before, I can say that self respect helped me to change. I'm alone and healing but it's better than being a second choice. You can do it too ♥️
I experienced betrayal, rejection and abandonment from both my parents. No siblings, aunts, uncles or cousins. My dad was a sexual pervert, mother had health issues. Dad was totally out of my life at the age of 15, mother died when I was 27. The only alternative I had was to find a good man and get married so that I could have a reasonably normal family. Married twice, divorced twice, one grown son, four grandkids. Only hear from son when he wants money or around Christmas.
There are a lot of hurting people out there that are afraid of being hurt again, so they do not get involved with anyone. There also seems to be an abundance of "takers" - people that think others owe them something. Sometimes it's just better to be alone.
Thank you so much, Anna, for all the great work you are doing in bringing these childhood issues to the light.
Children didn't ask to be abused by parents. Grown adults of childhood abuse are seen by society as "damaged goods". The lies that Hollywood and society brainwash us with tell us that if we are not perfect in every way, we are out.
I hear you and couldn't agree more on this. I admire your strength to acknowledge the journey and uncomfortable past. I hope you know that you are worthy of respect, love and the amazing things you deserve. ❤️
I’m one of the people afraid to be hurt again. My best friend recently told me that I have to get over that fear and put myself out there. But it’s hard for me to do. I just feel like I may die of grief being so heartbroken again. I’m just trying to focus on my physical and mental health for now. I’ve only ever dated two people in my life and have felt I was not valued in both connections. Which is why I left, but the heartache never goes away for me. Which I find annoying and depressing. Sometimes I wish I could just drop people like flies and be more kinder to myself. But I’m constantly sacrificing my feelings for the feelings and opinions of others. I just know that everyone usually has some form of trama from past experiences and I always have taken that into consideration with anyone I meet. To a fault most times.
As a dose of reality: you only have to consider the average divorce rate in Hollywood to realize that those are some of the most messed up people imaginable, for whatever reason . . .
I grew up in a two parent household with an emotionally unavailable father and covert narc mother. I was the scapegoat in our home and out casted as a child. I have felt alone all my life due to this. Recently I discovered that I have been fantasizing and obessesing over men in the past. I just thought I "loved" hard. I even realized I have done this recently with a guy I barely know. It's a tough realization but I know understand this comes from rejection/abandonment issues. Thank you Anna for this information. ❤
Oh my god we living the same life I- ur talking about me here
Wow you described my life too. Thank you for making me feel less alone ❤
Me too. I was 37 when I was finally diagnosed with autism. My mom absolutely hates it when I bring it up! She's a massive denial about the fact I'm autistic. I am excited to have a correct diagnosis for once, and I like talking about how it has affected me and my poor relationship choices and lack of boundaries. I don't have many friends, and I try to talk to her about it and she gets so defensive and always starts fighting. Almost every time we hang out if I say anything to her, she gets very defensive and when I tell her that we could just talk about it without the high-pitched voices, she starts to cry. It's very odd.
"I thought I loved hard"
Daym. Called out over here... you're so right. I never realised
Same and ppl make a two parent household seem like it’s such a privilege. My childhood friends from one parent households grew up better to me.
My dad left and came back he rejected us repeatedly and when he was with us he ignored us. Only attention we got was his disappointment disapproval and unhappiness with us and his life. He is a hateful narcissistic man and he got worse last year after his heart surgery. My mom struggled her entire life
"They only sporadically made contact when it was convenient for them"! OH. MY. GAHD. This just occurred to me that THIS is the mistake I keep making! That IS what my dad would do. I never even thought of that. And that's the crap I keep finding in relationships! Thank you. LOL. I've been in therapy for years. How has this never come up?? LMAO.
omg, so many good quotes in this!
So glad you came across it, it's one of my favorites :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
It's nice to hear someone that is not out to placate their client with their advice by not just blaming the jerk, but instead is helping them by letting them know that THEY can take responsibility for all of their decisions by understanding that they made a mistake by getting involved with someone toxic, and that they can literally decide to never get involved with toxic people ever again. This is true and beautiful advice. This is the advice of a true friend.
Thanks -- glad you agree. It never helped me to focus on others.
I developed limerence literally after seeing a guy for the first time at work, (sometimes I feel like I'm in a movie, very much floating around in fantasyland). He's super nice, handsome and we have tonnes of things in common but Anna told me if he was interested he would make an effort to get to know me. I've put feelers out there but not much has come out of it. So I'm taking this as a sign to not be so weird about him. I'm trying to cope with the intensity of this crush when I'm at work. I get feverish after we have a quick conversation and catch up. I check if he viewed my ig story... It's very creepy what Im doing...
Anyway, putting this here in case anyone can relate :) I'm gonna try not to message him and keep the conversation to a hello how are you, maybe he'll come round (he's shy) but if he doesn't then hopefully I'll get over this fantasy soon. I want the REAL thing, not something made up perfected like in books.
Always be careful with those vile butterflies. They'll make you see things that aren't there. Limerence is a curse
I've started to get suspicious of myself when I really like someone since I've noticed lately that this person is either bad for me or doesn't give me the time of day.
I just recently got cured of Limerence. It was a process of acceptance that fantasies are not real life and found other sources of fulfillment that make me very happy. My interest in that type of emotions is fading with time and to the point that I don’t care anymore if I have it or not!
@@popples9644 That’s how you start waking up!
I think that he “shy” is the fantasy we always tell ourselves. I’ve heard myself say that and a friend say that. They always turn out not to be shy LOL the limerance you’re feeling for him is about your attachment trauma. I would explore that. Not the fantasy of who he is or what he thinks. Why is he activating to you? The unavailability may be the attraction. Is that familiar from childhood? Were your parents emotionally and/or physically available? You deserve someone who notices you!
I'd say this to younger gals. I'm not sure anybody gets through childhood unscathed. But one way to stop the cycle is to only get involved with serious men. If you get involved with a cheater or womanizer, he'll cheat. If you get involved with a guy who is 'spoken for' he almost never leaves his primary partnership (why should he, you put up with it). If you get involved with an abuser, you may or may not survive (yes, really). If you learn to 'love yourself' and value yourself enough, you will eventually attract a guy who feels the same. I've gone through several long stretches of not dating, at all. I'm not into the 'online dating', it's a joke; I tried it they were all married or spoken for. As you get older, you're shocked by what you once tolerated. At this point, I'm only interested in men who are actually capable of depth and really caring about someone else (besides themselves). If he's not really into me and if there isn't an attraction or connection beyond only the physical, he's not worth my time. Try it girls, don't keep rebounding. Take a break. Get offline. There is nothing on 'tindr' you want (unless you're a glutton for punishment)
Hold out for love. Better to wait for 'the real thing' than to waste your time on guys to whom you're only one day of the week.
Just my two cents....because 'you're worth it!'
Good luck out there....
; - )
Love this!
Never never never give husband privileges to boyfriends
Speaking as someone who was traumatized by the need to hide my relationship with a girlfriend who was not ready to come out: yes, keeping my significant other secret was detrimental to my self-esteem and reopened a lot of childhood wounds.
Regardless of the circumstances, secret relationships are very damaging.
Can I just point out that if a man has a girlfriend and sees someone else behind their back, it's not only bad for the 'other woman', but it's also pretty crappy for the girlfriend. I think it's important to acknowledge the whole picture - that this man doesn't value any women's feelings - and so he's a bad choice all around. Perhaps part of the healing process is to acknowledge ethics towards other people too, so stay clear of men like that not just because they're bad for you, but because the girlfriend doesn't deserve that, either.
Thank you for thinking of the original woman as well as focusing on the other woman.
It’s worse for the girlfriend. She doesn’t have all the information and everyone is sneaking around her and lying to her. At least the other woman is aware of the situation and can decide whether to stay or leave. The girlfriend or wife is not given that choice.
Exactly !
I have a feeling that hearing this video out is gonna hurt like Hell... but I want to heal. I NEED TO HEAL this ”absent father/distant mother” trauma. I’m scared to even get to know anyone I might grow to care about, cause I know I’ll just end up back in a world of pain.
I thank you for using your painful experiences, your healing, and your wisdom to help us who are still in the swamp - you give me great hope!🖤🐺
50 years old and a licensed professional counselor, so glad I found you. I hear myself reflected back to me in so many of these letters others send to you. So glad we have you Crappy Childhood Fairy! I have referred many clients to check out your videos. So glad we have this community for C-PTSD. We are not alone.
WOW!!! Thank you so much for supporting the Crappy Childhood Fairy
-Cara@TeamFairy
What helped me in a situation that I called quits on because of red flags and a conversation with the man, was to end the situation with him , I did feel drawn to observing him from a distance through technology and asked myself why. I cleared all contact with him from my technology to stop me from being constantly reminded of him by his posts popping up. Out of sight out of mind. I am proud of my strength to taking the bull by the horns and owning my authority.
I see a lot of people commenting on these videos that they learned to kick these men to the curb and break these patterns finally. Great!
But how many here went beyond that and found a very healthy long term relationship? Because learning to feel empowered about being single is not my goal in life.
I wish this was pinned. Such an important question that I would like to know as well.
Well that's just the first step. This channel doesn't highlight those stories often but Anna herself is the prime example of someone who built herself back up and is now in a healthy long-term committed partnership, her marriage with her husband. Once you set up the boundaries you need, self-esteem, goals, standards, and definitely check out Anna's videos about "structured dating," it's way more likely you'll meet a like-minded person and be able to stay in a long-term relationship with them if you build up these things
Being empowered about being single is necessary first step though because when you are single you hold the power of discernment and you are in the position to decide and notice if someone is right for you. I hope that makes sense.
@@MellowJelly yes it makes sense. But I get the feeling that for many it becomes a perpetual holding pattern.
it takes times, theres lots of total duds out there.
Thank you for saying this. I agree it's important to "do the work", extricate yourself from harmful patterns, and build yourself healthy boundaries/self esteem/self awareness etc But after all that work I have yet to find someone who is equally interested in doing this work for themselves and co-creating a healthy relationship with me. I feel I have "healed" myself into a lonely, isolated life, which in some ways is exactly where I started--just without the baggage of orbiting around a relationship in the same state. I am tired 😫
One big key advice I can give is never be with someone who has someone else, even if they are willing to leave the person for you. If they are willing to do that to someone else, they’ll do it to you, too.
I think limerence happens not just to traumatized people. It can happen to any normal person. We all get obsessed with someone for no reason regardless whether your childhood was healthy or not.
I love the sound of the pencil. Show’s me how focused u r on helping the person that wrote you the question.
Yeah I'd love someone to care enough to take notes on me.
How amazing this young woman is at this stage in her 20's! I struggled with this through two marriages, three children and now at 50, I'm living free of this and having an incredible life with strong boundaries.
Self work is absolutely key to live free of childhood trauma. Stay single, invest in yourself and learn to give yourself the validation that your parents should have. Re-parenting is amazing. This is such fabulous advice.
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
forgive myself. respect myself. take it slow. treat me off, leave them. fall in love with awareness and mental health. remember to see myself on the throne. you can be alone N be okay
Limerance and trauma bonding have a real connection here. I have suffered both and now I have come out of it and see reality.
Phrases in these letters that come after revealing a situation that the person completely compromised themselves or capitulated to the wants and needs of others , like "stupi, I know" need attention. It's not stupidity. It is based on the harsh judgements of hindsight and the assumption that anyone hearing what you did will think you are stupid. We know why you did what you did - it could be said you were being guided by hope, just pure and simple hope for something to work out. We know that your - our - CPTSD greatly reduces the chances of that happening. You're not stupid, you're trying to live the life you're motivated to live in your heart and your determination and tenacity, despite the failures, is something to be deeply admired.
Oh this letter-writer sounds so much like me. And YES, thank you for reminding us-don't try to solve the other person. A friend once told me, when I was dealing with a tough situation-doesn't matter what's up with them, don't think about them anymore... we want to know you are okay.
How affirming this video was for me!! THANK YOU
So true. When I was going through confusion and misery with a guy my friend used to say that she just couldn't figure him out. I realize now that she didn't need to waste her energy on figuring him out, instead help me to see that I needed to leave.
Learning about Limerence changed my relationships completely.. it’s not spoken about enough so thank you 🙏 xxxx
I keep denying to myself that I am a normal child who have a normal childhood, but I can’t do it anymore. I know I needed help and I wanted to be better. I had a crappy childhood, an absentee overseas working dad and a very strict, controlling mom. Being the eldest and growing up pressured to be that outstanding kid has its after effects that I am now an adult.
I had discovered of me having patterns and cycles of being attached to unavailable and manipulative men. I want to stop this cycle and be self aware but therapy costs too much and I am so thankful I found this channel.
I was close to being in a similar situation, someone who i was in limerence with wanted me as a side piece. I chose to walk away before it began and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I'm grateful to learn that i truly did the right thing, that it's way worse to get involved.
I have been in the same situation and did the same thing you did. Sometimes, I beat myself up. Oddly, I feel like a missed an opportunity to have something with the person I was in limerence with. Even though, I made the right decision to walk away. You and I did the right thing.
If I could turn back time, I wish I stayed true to my gut feelings. I always knew sex early was not safe for my heart. Unfortunately, I have repeatedly stayed in relationships and marriages, ignoring all the red flags early on. It is so hard to extricate oneself once there are children involved. So for those listening, I hope you take your future children’s wellbeing more seriously after hearing what Anna is saying here. Do not be like me and countless others who compounded their own CPTSD with that of their children.
I totally agree with you. I
Sex early on only benefits men, it is a great scam that it is empowering for women.
@@universaltraveller8510 everything benefits men. It's called patriarchy
So good to hear someone offering reasonable and sane advice to young women that is actually applicable at any age. Not blaming, not judging, just saying "Hey, stop, re-assess, gauge your own damn behaviors and move on". Brava!
Set your standards so high to the point where it feels like you don't deserve it. Then hold on to those standards for a few months or years, and eventually when it feels normal, you will look back at how badly you used to treat yourself and be so shocked. Then you will look at your current "high" standards and realize they're really not that out of the ordinary, such as dating boundaries, eating healthy, self care, occasional travel, etc...
This is an amazing video. My ex was married and lied about lots of things for two and a half years. Then the next guy was a disaster narc although we were never exclusive. Because of your videos I’ve recognized I’ve had limerence issues since childhood, not only with people, specifically unavailable male figures, but also with inanimate objects such as toys, clothes and shoes 💁♀️ Just wanted to say Thank You!! Just realized my purpose this year is to get healthy inside and out 💖💖💖
Sounds familiar
@@lorainetomocik5257 We will get healthy and overcome! God bless you!! 💞💞
Emotional unavailability is-no, WAS my type. I understand why, I need to resolve some traumas. Specifically, starting with my first intimate relationship with a male, my father. It’s challenging because he does not know (and/or) is currently unable to be emotionally available. His ego defense mechanism stubbornly blocks being vulnerable.
how does limerence manifest with inanimate objects?
You are a valuable and worthy person. You are nothing less than cherished.
I get the guardrails. As a young teen I told people i had a curfew...I didn't. I had no home rules or supervision. But I pretended I did to keep myself out of terrible trouble.
Wise!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow what an extremely intelligent girl you are. !!!
You are amazing! You loved yourself enough to parent yourself. 💕 That love is real love too.
I told my "friend" that I have abandonment issues and I knew he would not hurt me and he felt so sorry for me..he up and left, after 13 yrs, no explanation.
Now this woman is doing God's healing work.
Being honest and still non judgemental but using necessary truth. Wonderful stuff ma'am
I've been there, more than once. Anna's dating course helped me a LOT. One other thing that's helping me is practicing conversations with men before they happen. I think of questions I might be asked, or want to ask, and I practice answering in ways that honor and respect myself. It's solo role-playing. It's fun. I'm hearing my own voice saying what makes me feel good about me. In actual life, I'm getting good at letting the empty ones go and having longer conversations with solid guys.
So beautiful to hear that @Joanne Ellis ! true love
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing your real direct experience.
Would you share a few questions? Thank you!
I get you, there's so much taboo and stigma towards women, specially If you're the third person. When this happened to me, I was feeling terrible because I felt so lonely, I felt I couldn't speak with anyone
@@marte1376 It's the cruelest game. Men commit to women who aren't attracted to them. Then they lie, to get sex from a third party. It's an epidemic.
I have always believed that if he's cheating With you, that he`ll cheat On you. Once a tomcat likely always a tomcat.
That means a cheater doesn't become loyal, he`ll likely always cheat. He's in a rut. Don't believe the lie that he'll be different or change for you, because it's all about him, not you. You're just a toy to play with cat and mouse style.
Run mouse run he's thinking, because he's just toying with you.
I’m crying. I’m so mad at myself. I don’t want this anymore. Thank you! I broke up with him this morning. 3 years.
My heart ❤️ goes out to this woman. Sometimes for fun I’d like to say to my friends or my brother how sad I am about how I lost my rose gold Rolex watch and they’d be like you never had a Rolex watch. I’d say to this 25 year old woman, ok, you’re sad about “Noah”? How could you lose someone you never really had. To me that would help. You can’t lose the friends or relationships you never had.
I love this!! The rose gold Rolex analogy is worth its weight in gold.
I love this example!
-Cara@TeamFairy
... but they were real to the person that's feeling the loss. You have to grieve! There is no healing without feeling the pain!
I’m so sorry people get wrapped up in these toxic situations.
While I was in a long term relationship a guy from high school actually asked “Do you want to have something on the side?”. I was like “B**** please” 🙄
If I heard this years ago, I would have being able to step away from a man who treated me like that for years. And I would have been able to not get myself in situations I now regret.
Thank you Anna🙏
Same, hon. 7.5 years with a Covert Narcissist.. who had a live-in girlfriend,..who he ( behind my back) married. Because she could have kids...and I couldn't.
And I stayed. Because I " loved him "...
I couldn't let him go.
Trauma bond was STRONG ...
I'm in trauma-therapy.. am having my eyes opened to Why I allowed this, WHY I felt like it was ok to be treated like a Secret/ booty call/ side chick. ..( **hint: I have an abusive father .. )
I value myself, now.. learning slowly.. to value ME
Don’t forget to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. We make mistakes and it’s ok. We’re not perfect and we’re still learning how to live in healthy ways 🥰😘
So many of us here in the same boat! Agreed 100%. We deserve so much more.
I wish I could find a therapist like you in my town. I've tried some and have not connected to the help I'm looking for. I'm now in my 60s and would have hoped to resolve the past issues I still feel. This particular session is not as meaningful but wanted you to know that you are very good at what you do. Not all therapist have your gift or knowledge. Thank you for sharing.
Oof I hate that I can relate to this 10000%! My heart goes out to anyone else in this same situation. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. We all needed our parents and unconditional love and it is very unfair that we never got it. We deserve better. If people in your life don’t treat you with the love and respect you deserve then it’s not worth keeping them around. I myself have had to learn that the hard way by cutting out toxic “friends” in my life and men who were trying to put me in this same situation. Men who were very good at manipulating me into thinking they actually cared about me when that couldn’t be farther from the truth. You deserve love and respect. Let go of anyone who doesn’t give you the love and respect you deserve. You are loved. You are not alone. I am proud of you for learning and growing from all the trauma and bs, even when you definitely didn’t deserve it in the first place. You are a survivor. You are amazing. Never forget your worth. Have an amazing day! 💗💗💗
Thank you for the support!
-Cara@TeamFairy