Why is it So Hard to Forgive Ourselves?
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 20 ม.ค. 2019
- Now forgiveness is something we often know we should do or we are told to do it, but no one really talks about how we are supposed to forgive someone, especially ourselves. When anyone speaks about forgiveness, I know I automatically think about someone doing something that hurt me or my feelings and that I need to let that go by forgiving them. But I find that what we struggle with most is forgiving ourselves for any wrongs or missteps. And trust me, I am not any better at this! Just the other day I was ruminating about something I said that I worried could have been taken the wrong way, or sometimes if I let my mind wander I will go back to things I have done in my past that I feel bad about. I can even spend hours just going through things I said or did in my past, jumping from when I was a child to a few months ago. I will play it back again almost like I am trying to hurt myself all over again to prove just how sorry I am.
I'm Kati Morton, a licensed therapist making Mental Health videos!
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you already KNOW i have those notifications on kati!!
Sameeeee
Yeah it's the quickest I click even if I'm midvideo on something else lol.
Yesssss
Awe yay!! xoxo
I'd love to apologize to my wife for things I did wrong but she has passed and the guilt is emmense.
One thing that helps me is to understand that guilt is telling me that I want to be better. If someone doesn't feel guilty about something that they did to harm someone, they're not ready to improve as people. We feel guilt, we're telling ourselves that we would not do that again.
Sure, but it's also important not to ruminate. Reflecting is valuable. Ruminating is self-injury.
It’s different when you hurt yourself because There’s no guilt really you just hate yourself for ruining your own life...
thank you for this gem!
Thankyou for sharing that.
This really helped me
My therapist suggests that when a negative thought pops up, to acknowledge it, ask it what it wants, hug it, then tell thank you, that it’s not needed, and then move on.
What if what it needed was self forgiveness, but you can't do that easily and think of more bad stuff and are stuck in a rabbit hole of hating yourself?
@@Quarter_crush_86 Hopefully Kati will see this and answer. I haven't figured that out yet myself.
Nobody:
My brain: Hey remember that stupid thing you did five years ago?
@@dorkydork9649 If only it was that easy, to uninstall stress like an app or computer program...
Mine says: “Hey remember those 25 stupid things you did five years ago?”
@@luckyDancer100 sadly, we continue doing stupid things hahahaha
What if what you did was really bad?
@@daisychain473 if u regret it and ur watching this video i think that’s proof enough to move on and that u do indeed deserve to forgive urself
Yesterday I started to feel self loathing and I began to ruminate. I looked right into the mirror and started talking to myself. I told myself I was beautiful, I’m a good person who works hard to be a good person and my brain is just being a dick.
Talking back to that inner voice has been a saviour. Strengthen the kind voice and it’ll fire back at the mean one more and more and more.
Yes yes yes!!!! Thank you so much for sharing!! xoxoxo
Riley Anderson 💜💜💜💜
With me it has been hard for me to look at myself in the mirror and say that I am beautiful. I just have been told for so long that I am ugly and fat I have zero self esteem because of verbal abuse at the age of 18 from my boyfriend at the time and then severely bullied in school it just hard to think of myself to be beautiful.
@@machaenichols3482 Well, you are beautiful. And you deserve happiness and to live your best life. Believe it. Let the pain go and embrace yourself and your future. Choose to live life the way you want to. Don't let your ex or any bullies decide how you're going to feel about yourself. You decide that.
Machae Nichols try to remember that those thoughts were put in your head by other people. If you can find some small voice in the back of your mind that loves yourself, acknowledge that voice. Acknowledge the mean ones too. Talk back. Get loud and aggressive and fake it until you believe it. Practice practice practice. It could take a long time, or it could be way faster than you think. Either way it’s best to start now. your every day actions and decisions are what determine who you are, so use your every day actions and decisions to be the beautiful good person that you want to be. Make yourself love yourself.
I don't know why I just can't forgive myself. I hate how I was, I hate what I've become. I just can't move on from all the things I did. I tried forgiving myself but seeing the people I hurt still suffering from what I did, I just crumble and start to blame myself over and over again. I just think that I don't deserve forgiveness. This is the reason why I can't be happy and can't reconnect with my love ones.
This is where im at right now. :(
I know this is old, but I hope you're in a better place now. And hate is a very strong word, you are being too hard on yourself. Whatever you have done it can't be that bad. Wishing you the best!
I understand this completely. It's even harder if the people I've wronged haven't come to me saying they forgive me and also if there's no way to fix what I did and make it right. Going to therapy to have help with this is a big help, esp if you try hard to implement what they tell you to do.
Sounds like right now
Is a good time to start a new fresh start right now. Start with now and walk away from what was.
Its actually a good sign .Feeling guilt means suffering from the consequences and a part of the process of letting go. Think of that self that past self as another person you wouldn't want another person to ruin your happiness and present right?
Forgiving ourselves is challenging but must be done to move on with our lives.
Agreed. I'm so sick and tired of living with guilt. I just want it to stop.
Not being able to say sorry is so hurtful, when you are barred from communication in a relationship. Makes self forgiveness even tougher.
It really does :/
"Hurting myself on purpose as tho to prove how sorry I am." This is very insightful
It’s hard to forgive myself because part of me knew better and I went forward anyway. I knew it’d most likely turn out badly but I didn’t know just how badly.
I identify with you here, the fact you feel bad means you are a different person now, you would do it differently. I know for myself I have learned that my life can have a different meaning now
It seems like your videos always just what I need when I need it. Thank you.
same! have a great day Anna
Awe that's so great to hear Anna :) xoxo
Y shakll i forgive? I did what i could i was alone in search for connection..... and then they collectively ditched me..... i waited for months and years at home just to get the same shoiyt in worse....
I d known morei i d left 6 yeaes ago without looking back..?.
Sometimes I wake up and think, "the air I'm breathing rn could be used for someone who deserves it more...". This video hits me hard ☹️💔💚
Last month I cried every time I woke up because I was so disappointed. I hope you're doing better.
@@insolubletoaster8133 I've been crying everyday for the last 3 and a half months
Same here....
I understand this feeling
There's a reason J.K. Rowling decided one must focus on their happiest memory to conger a patronus. Depression and so forth can't stand in the face of the shiniest things in our lives. Thank you Kati! xoxoxoxox
Bins Q where did you get the quote “ depression and so forth can’t stand in the face of the shiniest things in our lives” was it from an actual Harry Potter book?
But then I feel like I'm ignoring the bad I've done
I forgive myself but I struggle to forgive my brother who sexually abused and assaulted me for years as a child .
But , I am in therapy now for it .
Thank you for sharing, perfect timing.
I'm so so so sorry about that
Azarah Eden It's extremely sad about what happened to you and this is an old comment, but I want to let you know that you don't have to forgive your brother if you don't want to! I was sexually abused by my parents and other adults when I was a child and haven't forgiven them, yet I'm not an angry or bitter person. I read a book many years ago called The Courage to Heal, which mentioned that forgiveness is NOT necessary for healing. It really helped me and I feel annoyed when people push others to forgive. I do have compassion for the people who harmed me though, as they were abused too. ❤
I'm sorry to hear that you went through that
Maybe you can see forgiveness in a different way. Personally I don't forgive people to make them feel better but so that I feel better. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. So it does not mean that you are okay what the other person did but rather you move on and don't waste more thoughts on the other person. You still remember it but not letting those negative feelings influence you anymore. If you still angry at them (which is ofc very understandable) is not going to bring you peace for yourself. So you stay away from that person and not let him influence you anymore.
I am so sorry to hear this....
Ruminating over inaction hurts the most. Especially when that opportunity is forever gone, and there's not ever a next time with that person.
My situation exactly. I didnt do enough and there is no way to make it right or even apologize.
Could you maybe talk about emotional numbness sometime? ^^
kpop lover I second that
Yes please!!
Yes!!!!!
ah yes the story of my life: i no longer feel emotions anymore
Omg fr. I need a vid about that
I used to struggle with this so much. There were 2 things that helped me.
1) I imagine what I would say to a friend who had done those things I regret... I'm usually a lot kinder to others than I am to myself. If I can extend grace to others, I can extend grace to myself.
2) I'm a Christian, so forgiveness and grace is important in my faith. In my faith, I believe that Jesus died and paid the price for me so that I could be forgiven for all the hurtful and stupid things I've done. If God can forgive me, I'm forgiven. If God has grace for me, I can give grace to myself.
I used to beat myself up (literally, I was a chronic self harmer) so much anytime I lost my temper or made a social blunder, or failed at goals, or relapsed in addiction. Once I realised that it's a process, not perfection, I was able to get stronger and be more gracious to myself and others.
Anyone struggling, hang in there. Keep working at it and you will get better.
Your videos are so helpful and informative, especially for young people like me😀
Awe that's so great to hear!! xoxo
Definitely needed this today. I’ve been changing my behaviors, trying to be the person I want to be. But like you said, I truly feel like I SHOULD relive all the old stuff, because I feel like I deserve to hurt more. But like you said- remember where you came from, and one step at a time, move forward.
Honestly I needed this today! Thank you!
Really needed this today. Thank you for all you do Kati.
Thank you! It's been recent that I even knew others ruminated over past things that were said, etc.. I even thought there was something wrong with me for doing that's! Thanks for helping me feel it might be "normal" and how to refocus my thought and mind. Love your videos and hope you're enjoying break this month 🙂💕
Thank you, Kati! I needed this so much - especially today. I was just thinking about how I need to get a grip on this. I spend a while in my car commuting to work and every morning a thought about my past shows up and puts a damper on my morning. I need to work on forgiving myself for mistakes I’ve made and continue to grow. Thank you!!
Thank you Kati! This is a message we all need to hear. I am totally working on the STOP technique. I know my mind does cycle to those thoughts and I need to stop myself. ♡♡♡
I needed this so much, especially now. Everything you described is exactly how I feel now. Ive just been overthinking and replaying old (some toxic) friendships and past events in my head over and over, so I’m going to try these steps out ❤️❤️
Thanks for sharing Kati, an inspiration as always. As a fellow therapist, I think its great what you are doing, I hope to offer a fraction of the value you do so often.
I have a playlist called "mental wellness" and at least half of it is your videos, this one went to the top of the list. Thank you again Kati for all you do for the community; I hope you had a wonderful vacation!
Kati you are such a wonderful human being. Me and I'm pretty sure that thousands of more people are grateful for your work. Your advices are very helpful especially 'Reach out for help' this last advice has even saved my life.
Keep up the good work Kati. We all love you.
I've actually been keeping a journal since I was inpatient back in the summer of 2005. I have over 10 years worth of daily journal entries. It's interesting to look back at the first entries when I was deep in the anorexia and compare it to now.
Sometimes you have to look back to see how far you've come.
smoupnhoize i’ve been out of therapy for a year and a half now, and looking through my old daily therapy journals to when i was at my lowest point is so strange. i didn’t even realize my life had changed so much!
Back when my depression was so much worse, because of my manipulative ex-partner I used to drown in self-hatery. Everyday I felt like I have to apologize (and sometimes I did for no reason; i didn't feel like I had to) and I've considered myself as the worst living person. One way for me was reasoning myself, looking for logic pattern, recognizing that I didn't mean to hurt somebody and I was just trying to do what I thought would work the best. The best way for me for stopping those nasty thoughts was also saying to myself stuff like "you're also a person, u can feel bad and u can feel happy. You can make mistakes and you'll learn from those mistakes. Everyobody makes mistakes". My therapists told me to wrote (in her presence) a sentence that said "Everybody makes mistakes. With each mistakes I can learn more". It had to be handwritten and everytime my negative thoughts went back I've pulled that card with that sentence and read it out loud. First step for me was actually letting myself to do mistakes, because it's a human thing.
Sorry if spelling or grammar is incorrect, English isn't my native language.
Hope everyone is having a great day and as always thanks for that video Katie, I'm really looking forward to watching your vids
berti so glad you were able to get out of that toxic relationship and start the healing process!
For you why do you actually hate yourself look at the reasons why you feel this way about it and try to change it because only you can make yourself feel good don't rely on other people they will always let you down you're the most important person and you do good things that's a very good way to think about it
Thank you Kati, I especially needed this today. I go through the “stop” method countless times throughout my day to stop my mind from going over seeing some traumatic things that were very painful. My psychologist has me actually visualize a stop sign and then think of a very happy time, I’m so glad that you mentioned the 5 senses. I feel like that might help me because I run the stop sign most of the time. It’s hard. Having a very rough week. Thanks again for these tips, not just in forgiving myself but really in forgiving someone else.
This was so needed for me right now! Thank you 🙏🏻
Thank you for this video, Kati! Definitely helps, especially where I am in my own head right now
Awesome Video Kati!! Thanks so much!!
I absolutely love how Kati says "Welcome!"
My therapist was just talking about this last week! Great timing Kati!❤️
I really needed this video! Thank you for making it. I've been working really hard on processing a negative past relationship to be more able to focus on how good the present is and I've been struggling with forgiving myself for letting things get so bad. These tips really helped!
Just the other day I was having a mental break down because of my mind reminding me about the past , I just saw this video and it gave me a little hope that I can do better. Thank you ❤
This is very good information! A week ago I got into this trap where I would have dreams every night and would just feel crappy every morning and one day I was thinking about it again when suddenly I realized that I have to start being thankful for all the good that was in the situation and not focus on the bad. That is really what got me over my mistake I made. I love your videos and notification are set 😊. Thank you for being who you are sharing it with us.
“self injuring” when one goes over the “unforgivable” over and over, is so spot on! Thank you.
Thank you Kati for creating this wonderful video and giving me tools to use.
This is what i'm looking for years
Thank you ❤
It’s the videos of yours that I don’t want to watch that I always need the most! Thanks for this one!!! Always so good!
My therapist literally JUST mentioned how I should work on forgiving myself today in session. You have perfect timing Kati!
I had no idea that thought stopping was a thing! That’s awesome! I’ve been doing it, mentally saying “stop” when that rumination starts, and it really helps! I kinda thought maybe it wasn’t a healthy thing, but I noticed it working, so I’m relieved to hear you suggest it in this video, it’s validating in a way, thank you! 💜
Kati you honestly save my life everyday :) love ya💕 thank you so much for everything!!
Love this video, it’s taken me almost ten years to realise that I have the power to stop negative thoughts. Simply put I have realised that I try and find a happy memory. It works.
I cannot thank you enough for sharing this. When I had caused an accident nearly two years ago, the guilt ate away at every aspect of my life up until recently. I've consistently told doctors and psychiatrists about this since it happened but they seem to shrug it off, just saying basically that "it was an accident, theres nothing you can do about it." I feel like I keep asking people "How do I forgive myself?" and I'm just being answered with "you just do." Its taken a long time for me to come to terms with that, and I've been trying to forgive myself on my own without any sort of blueprint. The resources you brought up in the video is quite honestly a game changer and I'm even more determined to make 2019 the year I love myself and finally take joy in living again.
Literally had this chat with my therapist very recently. I have a super hard time forgiving myself and often find myself having anxiety over things I’ve said or did in my past. Especially when it comes to moments of conflicts. I definitely find that focusing on pleasant experiences help, but sometimes it helps me to think about what made the experience so negative and how I could’ve handled it better. You give great advice and are definitely an expert in your field! Many X’s and O’s!
I love this video! I am an Eating Disorder therapist and self-forgiveness seems to be one of the hardest tasks sometimes for my clients. Along their journey to ED recovery, they “mess up” and “fail” and beat themselves up over it, sometimes without even being aware of it! I always talk about bringing this to the person’s awareness and once you are aware of this happening, working on reframing and that positive self-talk you mentioned! Our language is so powerful and our narrative of our own’s life events can be either very detrimental or super constructive! We just need to use it for our benefit and I think the points you make in this video really are so useful! Thank you!
Thank you for this video Kati. This has come at a really great time and is very helpful. Keep doing what you do x
I have a lot of problems forgiving myself at different times, and many of the things you described in this relate to me a lot. Thanks for uploading.
I love you Kati I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You were batting one thousand on this one. You make your gift seem effortless. Thanks for all you do. I believe I'll continue just to see what tomorrow brings.
Thank you! So helpful as ever
you are so helpful and a very good therapy!! YOU’RE THE BEST❤️❤️
Hi Kati! Loved this video. You're the first person other than my counseling service that recommended "stop" when a negative thought comes in. Thank you for sharing :)
I also want to say that I used to feel so much guilt and beat myself up all the time. I've been working on forgiving myself and showing acceptance for who I am and why I do things, which also makes it easy to be acceptant to others. Oh and one more thing, you look radiant in that colour. Beautiful person that you are.
Needed this today! Thank you!
I just made a video on apologizing to myself and it has been an incredible act of service, despite how unnatural it may feel. Self forgiveness is a daily practice for me. We all have had regrets and have broken our own hearts, and I know what it's like to be my worst jailor. I truly hope we can all practice setting ourselves free. Powerful video Sister, I support your journey 🙏🏻❤️
So needed this! Thank you!
I am having a really hard time forgiving myself so I am gonna take these tips a whirl. Thanks Kati!!
Hi Kati! Just wanna say I love your channel!
This is actually a big problem of mine (one of many...). my psycologist and I finally recently found that, for me, the best way to turn my mind around from the negative spiral is to pick my thoughts apart, because I had a big problem with accepting any form of change to my "bad" point of veiw of myself and my actions... I just felt like I was trying to lie to myself when changing my negative spiral into positive thinking.
But we found a way arund it that I could finnaly really notice does work for me.
When I realize that I start the negative thinking or gets unnessecerly stressed about anything in general, I start by recognicing the feeling/feelings that I'm experiencing at the moment.
then I try to analyze what actions or events that is connected to these emotions and tell myself that,
"These feelings are normal, everyone experience bad situations sometimes and will feel bad about it. So let's try to do it differently next time and surely we'll do a better job."
An example:
If I'm suddenly remembering saying something stupid and embaressing to someone a long time ago and it makes me relive those emotions again, then my strategy would be:
"Okay, I'm feeling sad, embaressed and really stressed right now because of this memory. But that's okay and completely normal! everyone experience saying something wrong to someone at some point in their life, and that okay. It's normal to feel like this when you think you've said the wrong thing to someone. If the situation/topic ever comes up again then I'll think about a different answer this time."
It also worked for my anxiety. I tell myself that it's okay to feel anxious for something and that many people experience it etc.
This method really works for me to stop my negative thoughts and also gives me a better chance to accept and deal with the feelings that I'm experiencing by separating them from a specific event and just make them one of many feelings, if that makes sense.
I love watching your videos so much. I feel like they calm me down and take me out of reality. (Also I can kinda say I'm not procrastinating by watching your videos since I'm studying psychology lol). I also feel like this video helped me a lot as I'm always looking back into the past and wishing I had done something differently. I've recently started journaling as one of your tips to look back and learn from my mistakes. Thank you Kati!
I did this kind of work in my EMDR therapy. We can’t change events of the past. But... We can change how we feel about them and how we think about them. I practice thought blocking. By saying loudly NOPE. And I distract by looking at pictures of my children and like you say... visualising wonderful memories. Great video. Very helpful .
Kati,
First of all, thank you for your videos.. They are always so informative! I have never been diagnosed with a mental disorder before, though I have on more than one occasion strongly considered getting some form of help, but for now, I just cling on to videos such as the ones you upload.
Lately I've had this problem. I am just starting to dabble in painting. So far, I have created 7 pieces that I am happy with. My mom said that if I can create 40 or so paintings by the middle of the year, she will throw an exhibition for me, and 30% of whatever is made will go to her. She and my dad own a small gallery near their house. I was happy when she told me this, though something felt wrong. It wasn't until the next time I tried to paint a painting that I realised that I was scared, of what, I'm not really sure. I seem to have developed mental block, and ever since the conversation with my mom I haven't created another painting. So I guess my question is, how do you get over mental block?
Again thank you for the videos you do :)
Thank you Kati so much for the video! Just what I needed to hear :)
This video is amazing! You are so helpful! I feel validated when you suggest things I've learned to do on my own. I feel inspired when you give me new ideas that are practical and bring me to happy tears 😁
You’re an amazing person. Thankyou for sharing all this knowledge with everyone 💕 beautiful inside and out!
I really needed this video today. Thanks for always talking about the important topics, Kati.
Awe of course!! Glad you found it helpful :) xoxo
Appreciate these videos kati🖤
Kati morton these videos help me when I need it whether I'm stressed angry depressed your always here for me
i always blame myself for all the bad stuff that's has happened/happening to me and the people around me. it keeps coming back most especially when im alone with my thoughts. it sucks and i end up crying and feeling suicidal all the time. thank u Kati for this. I'll try my best to apply this.
I needed this today, thank you 🖤
I found so much relief in narrative repair. I wrote out a memoir and I could see what the situation was and how nobly I acted in the face of it. I could look at things objectively and observe the manipulation by my parents and the cult, so I knew that I am not responsible for any of it. No more guilt. It was awwsome.
Kati thank you! You're wonderful
Awesome video Kati.
What helps me get out of my emotional thought is that I am at a place in my life where I understand that my thoughts create actions and my actions create my habits and my habits create my destiny. So I am more aware that I can control my thoughts to create the outcome I want.
Also, I realize that alot of my bad thoughts, especially about my self esteem issues stemed from my childhood. Those experiences are not happening no more but it left an effect on my. Today I tell myself that I can't change the past but the past doesn't define me
This popped up in my notifications literally as I was thinking about this. Thank you!
Could you possibly make a follow up about forgiving others/ruminating? I have a major problem with thinking about people and situations years after everything is over and I don't know how to get over it.
Love your videos so much ❤❤❤
I needed this today, it was really helpful. Thank you. Your channel is a blessing.
Awe I am so glad :) xoxo
You are amazing Kati, I believe you can't even imagine all the people you are helping to get through hard times! amazing!
I feel like you're making us all way healthier 😄 I love your content!❤️
Thanks for the helpful information as always! My friend and I bought your book today and can not wait to read it!
I love what you are doing and I truly appreciate your content
this video was so helpful! I often find it difficult to forgive myself, I'll give these tips a try! Thank you for sharing 😀
Awesome tips, thank you for sharing them 😍
Thank you. These videos are so helpful
also u have helped me through my tough times a lot, and im living a good life now thanks to your videos and advices!!
My thoughts usually start ruminating when my brain is unoccupied...such as when I'm on the subway which happens at least twice a day for half an hour.
Imagine me yelling "STOP", people would be so confused :D
So Kati, thank you for the second strategy! I"ll definitely try it out tomorrow. And I'm pretty positive it's going to work better than the yelling
I'm going to try this out. Thanks Kati!
Wow. I’ve been subscribed for a while and I’ve enjoyed a lot of your videos but this one really made me think. Whenever I get bad thoughts I always just go further and further tell I feel terrible and get really upset or sad. I guess what I’m trying to say is it never occurred to me that they were unhealthy and that there was a way to stop them. So thank you, I’m definitely going to try these methods the next time I start to have those kind of thoughts
I really needed this video, I find that putting all 5 senses into a good memory works best for me. Distraction. But then I also gotta work through it and forgive. It really is so hard. These are great ways to get through it though♡ thank you
thank you so much; i really needed this
This is one I struggle with and my awesome therapist is helping me with it.
Thank you so much. I needed this
Thanks so much for this video, Kati. I've been struggling so hard with this. I will definitely let you know if any of these tools, or all of them, work for me.
Thanks so much for this🌺🌺
Great topic! I have personally had a difficult time with this my entire life. When I think that I've forgiven myself, I creep back into guilt. It's like I'm in periods of some kind of denile.
“My mind is trying to push me into this hurtful space.. but i don’t wanna go” ok I really like that quote!
One of the best videos which has tried to explain and assert the methods and methodologies of forgiving ourselves.Most of us fail to forgive us for our past misdeeds and wrong activities.I am no exception to that.However your lecture has enkindled my good sense and good will again in order to have a life unfettered by past negative thoughts and regrets.Thank you very much for your positive vibes and viewpoints...
the mistake I can't handle is losing something I only just saw or had very suddenly and not finding it at all no matter how hard I look for it. I become frightened that it never realky existed in the first place...that I only imagined it (and possibly everything else in life) and fear I'm losing my mind. I live my life in constant fear of losing things. Your comment about the brain not understanding reality has made me even MORE terrified. I am literally shaking 🤤
Damn, that really helped. There's a lot of empathy in those eyes. Very helpful :)