I grew to hate people for one reason.....they constantly mistake kindness for weakness, & TRY to use my kindness as a weapon against me. As a result, I tell everyone NO. The result is I live alone. My toxic "friends" & "family" are no longer part of my life. I am sick of being used. So I'm done!
I started setting more boundaries. I have a sister who never plans her visits ahead. Texts me the day she wants to get together. I told her I need two days advance planning. I set a boundary and now she never contacts me. This also happened to my supposed best friend. Once I told them I need advanced planning because I have a full life and can't drop everything last minute, I don't hear from them. They were both selfish beoootches who didn't have any respect for my time. They only thought about themselves. I have less stress now and don't miss the constant texts and interruptions. It's sad that they only want to get together on their terms. I no longer am a people pleaser. No is my favorite word and it started around age 35.
Kindness to good people is awesome. Kindness to bullies or scum is not worth it. Best solution to bullies is confrontation. Straight up in the bully's face confrontation is best.
This is the most important message from a video that applies to me. It's the number 1 area I'm lacking in and I'm working on it. Dr. Hyman you explained it so well. Thank you for opening up about this.
Thank you, I needed this! When I tell the truth my extended family have become angry at me. They hate anything to be dealt with directly. Being so nice never got me anywhere so I evaluate better when to be nice.
I agree and I try to live this, yet, it has the draw back of really offending and hurting people. Not very many people can handle it, There are times and situations, I have to hold back the truth as not to irrevocably damage certain relationships that are important to others around me. You have to be careful. There is a time and place to shell out raw truth. Human beings, capable of flawed and distorted judgement, will always wrestle with these issues. Take each situation in context and not having a list of responses already set is important. Not every situation warrants the same method of response. That’s called wisdom..using knowledge and intuition to choose strategy. Be honest, but be cautious.
I suspect a lot of people are too nice because they lack the ability to judge what is appropriate behaviour. So they just go with whatever is optimal to the other person in order to avoid being considered a jerk.
I'm straight and honest as fuck I ended up living years with few people around but real quality and most people are intimidated or afraid lol anyway it is such a peaceful and less stressful life
Got a co-worker whose so nice and sweet,and people walk all over her,managers too. I told her to speak up firmly and stand up for yourself .Regardless if people will agree or not,it's the principle.Ive been there.
It's called people pleasing. It's the passive response out of 3 options. The other 2 are aggressive and assertive. I think the passive response leads to aggressive response in time. With enough bad experiences, you keep holding in negative emotions like frustration, resentment, anger, etc from feeling like your being used and taken advantage of. So one day you exploded and it all starts to come out. "No more Mr. Nice Guy" kicks in, the beginning of aggressive response. The goal needs to be assertive response/reaction/behavior/mentality.
OMG! this is totally something I struggle with and I've been noticing this inner conflict within myself every time I hold back from saying what I need to say! I'm done being a nice-aholic
Avoiding potential conflict is an extremely, extremely unique thing in many respects... In other words, everyone does it a bit differently... In my case, I have avoided certain people, certain situations in the past, due to anxiety, etc., but more in the recent past, I verbalize things in such a way that what I say is less abrasive to others. This is something I have been working on for a LONG, LONG, LONG time. Most of the time, these efforts pay off, but a minority of the time, they don't. So, yes, there ARE times when some kind of conflict/argument is inevitable with someone. At that point, the best thing to do is to simply be in control of oneself, no matter what the other person says or does... :-) Extremely GOOD video. :-)
Definitely being honest with a steady tone and loud enough to be understood works. You have a problem? Ask yourself what it is and what you want to do about it.
i am always nice to people, but i get blamed. i cannot change the way i am. i am so sick and tired of being nice and get no single respect. i am from Nepal and and most of nepalis people are like this, always caring for others and wanting to see others to be happy.
At one time I felt I had no voice as I was expected to be tactful at all times so as not to upset people even if they were using me or had made me a cup of tea in a way that I hated. If friends made unreasonable demands I either gave in or made excuses and when they cancelled arrangements at the last minute I would never show upset. When inappropriate comments were made I was expected not to answer back. Then I started speaking up.
I'm a niceaholic. I hate it so much. I work in sales. "Lemme speak with my wife" "can I call you back"? I'm too passive it's affecting my career. Most of the feedback I get is ima great sales person l, but I won't get the sales the top reps get if I continue trying to "keep the peace" or afraid of burning a sale that was never going to happen anyway.
Alex Rodriguez so if a prospect says" I'll get back to you", what's a not nice sales guy supposed to say? No, you can't get back to me? Sales is a joke as a career, a good product sells itself. Get a real job.
I’m not exaggerating but EVERYONE (parents included)I know of tells me that they don’t like the fact that I’m way too nice and that I need to loosen up
I don't know why... but I cried when I watch your vd.. it's true that kindness kill me so many times... but rather than kill someone I choose to kill myself 😢
then you can stop being cordial, that means to stop being warmly and congenially affable. Instead you can be benevolent and helpful, niceness is getting you nowhere.
I’m watching this because my bff is getting bossed around by a mean girl, she always wants to do everything so I had to be nice for 2 years so as my friend it even makes me angry 😤
Nice infomercial for the Handel Group life coaches. You better be getting at least 30% of revenue earned from every new client they get off this infomercial. Don’t be too NICE in your negotiations w/them Dr. Hyman.
thats u u couldtn do it dont say its hard or impossible to do it by ur self cuz some of us can and u'll discorauge people that are trying to break thru by themselves and take the hope of people who do not have the money to geta life coach. so specifically say u alone couldnt do it by urself dont say its difficult or impossible to
Hello, Mark. I'm from Brazil and I would like to submit a subtitle in portuguese to this video. I see that it is not enabled to receive community contributions. I'd like to ask you if it could be changed. Thank you.
So what ? ....if i am "being nice" -against my grain ....what i MAY be doing is simply trying to overcome my natural inclination to just ignore people and overcome my selfish desire to not be of any help. So what if its not "sincere".....IE: sometimes , you dont want to give money to a charity-but you do - because ITS RIGHT and proper ....this is the shit ayn rand ,etc espoused ..and whilst it may make you "true and authentic" ....maybe you are are just a true and authentic prick -and is a convenient justification for people who dont like to put themselves out for others - people who say its manipulation have a point ....but its not the whole story
Don't know how nice it is to basically tell people it's hard for them to help them selfs by their Self , I mean jeez, I know u have a sponsor but this really a big deal for some people and to go and try to benefit of it , that I find low
Vixinaful th-cam.com/video/V9M3VBqEbek/w-d-xo.html this compliments the video here very well, imo. Maybe it is the way you tell people. Have you read anything on different leadership styles? Managing people?
metal garurumon codependents are people who were brought up by one or more people that were unhappy or unbalanced or even exposed to a narcissist. Where saying no or disagreeing was not looked upon kindly. Codependency means you were in a relationship where you were dependent on eaxh other to maintain the thing. Unfulfilled.. as in unfulfilled in their life in some way. Thereby taking out their unhappiness on others by forcing them to behave in a certain manner. It is possible to heal from it ☺ just takes time and persistence
Kindness is getting me nowhere.Being nice is not working for me anymore.I'm 19 and I've been entirely too nice my whole life.I'm working now and my coworkers and manager try to take advantage of me because they know I can't say no.People don't take my friendship seriously either because I'm too nice and they think that they can treat me anyway and I'll always be there.IM SICK OF THIS.You'd think people would appreciate your kindness but they literally don't.I'm no longer about to be nice.I'm about to slowly ease into being rude .Not rude for no reason,but rude to the people that deserve it and think they can take advantage of me and walk all over me!
SCORPICAL don't change your good heartedness. You're streets ahead of a big portion of the population. So trust in your goodness and trust in your gut feelings and put yourself first. Putting yourself first doesn't mean selfishness it means honoring your needs when you have them. You're a naturally giving person but when you really don't want to do something, don't do it. In your relationships start saying what it is you want. Start simple eg. Going to a movie and your friend says what shall we see, instead of saying I don't mind what we see or something to that effect, pick something. It's about making small steps in expressing 'your choice in things'. You will train yourself bit by bit to express your choices. Just make it a fun exercise and you will get the hang of it. And another thing is you probably don't ask for help much because you are self reliant but start asking for help in small ways. Eg. if something is really heavy to carry and you really would like to have help, don't soldier on. Ask for help. It's too heavy. You need help. End of story. Just by doing these 2 things you will experience more joy and support. People will start to get to know you by your choices but most importantly you will become very self aware of what you need and what makes you happy. You won't be a constant giver but will also receive in life too and this is key to a happier life. Please try these 2 small suggestions they WILL change how you're feeling and you will also keep your beautiful kind heart which is a gift to this world.
This is soooo me now. I was being too nice as well but it ruined my whole life upto now. Now people think I have changed a lot amd forgot the past even I'm not. But fuck sake, I don't give a shit now. That's old me. Not new me
Being nice when you cant stand up for what you believe is weak, choosing to remain nice despite of being capable to stand up for what you believe is truly strong
Being a naturally genuinely nice person is very hard bc ppl do naturally see it as a weakness. It took me years to put my foot down but once you get there it’s the best feeling in the world. I used to get so upset with ppl and not understand how they don’t view themselves as takers without a shred of guilt. I quickly learned that’s just the way some ppl are. There are givers and takers and ppl with a healthy balance of both (which we should all strive for).
Growing up with abusive parents and having been in a relationship with someone who blew up at everything, I became overly concerned with what others think - from worrying about hurting their feelings to worrying about whether they think I'm a decent person. It's absolutely draining. It got to the point where I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm just behaving so that I don't offend anyone or appear like a bad person to others. I AM TIRED OF IT. Learning to trust myself is the solution to my problem. If I trust that I'm okay, I'm a good person, and I'm being fair and reasonable, I don't have to worry so much about whether someone will be unreasonably upset by something I say or do. I don't have to worry about what they think of me. I know who I am, I accept myself, and that's all it matters. The people giving me a hard time for being myself were disrespecting me and manipulating me into doing what they want. After years of abuse, it takes a lot of practice and reminders to STOP DEFAULTING TO WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK AND FEEL. I just wish I had known this sooner. I was living under the mercy of what others thought until I was 35.
being nice isnt "always about fear" some people genually dont mind doing some things and are just nice and helpful naturally lol. but there's a differece if your weak and shy compared to just being too nice.
I'm too freaking nice!!! I hate it! instead of saying "no" I always say "yes" especially at work people take advantage of me because I wouldn't turn down anyone because I don't want them to feel bad, only to end up feeling bad about myself. One of my friends actually pointed this out and he told me that I'm fake. Wtf?! I'm just living my life trying to not get into any conflict then all of a sudden, I'm fucking fake because I'm being nice?! I need to end this shit and bring out the badass in me. 😠😠😠
Crazy world. everyone is trying to take advantage of each other. Nice people can’t survive in this. It comes with the agreeableness trait (Jordon Peterson). So this is what I’ve learned to do after having been taken advantage of until my late 20s by my parents, siblings, friends, Work bosses, peers, and even church family (it was a very nasty experience that I let happen multiple times because I was too nice to address the other types of people (“mean people”?) 1) be selfish - think about yourself first, your goals, your desires. As hard as it sounds, remember, the person asking you a favor or taking advantage of you is doing the same thing. 2) solo ride - from a song, it’s just me, myself and I. Don’t relay on anyone, become extremely independent. So when someone flakes on you, your not shipped wrecked because you weren’t relaying on them to be there anyways. 3) push back - no one ever said you have to do something for them. Your not bound by law (unless contracted) or by force. If they try to leverage their friendship, then this is someone who doesn’t care about you or your friendship. Distance yourself from them, and research narcissistic and manipulative traits. 100% guarantee they are using these strategies against you. Red Flag! Get away from them or emotionally distance yourself. Also (3A) grow some teeth, people learn behavior modification. When they feel you have some teeth and will standup for yourself, they will realize they can’t push you around anymore and will go find some other weaker being to manipulate and take advantage of. Be careful and realize they will try to pin this on you and say you are mean or rude in order to justify to themselves and the group that your friendship is no longer worth it, ( they will even “gaslight” you to do this). Cover your ass by having things in writing (email or text) when appropriate and or voice recording (app on your phone). Crazy, I know, but these little basters are even crazier and the only way to expose them and up them, is to think even crazier. Know their tricks so well that you can use them against them. And then be nice to people who are really worth it and that you are able to get something in return for (1=1, not 1=0). BONUS: realize it’s terribly hard to find honest, loyal and trustworthy people in the world, in your life. If you find them, hold on to that friendship, and if they are that kinda of special, marry them.
I just see the difference between being nice and being kind. They're not the same to me. Being nice is more of a behavior that people project to other people; being kind is a person's character. People don't seem to value kindness at all in general. They value popularity or being famous nowadays.
I got so much more benefit from reading all the great comments here than I️ did from watching the actual video 😆. Thank you people!!! Let’s all get more comfy with conflict :) bring it on...no more mr nice girl/guy. Here’s to Truth & Authenticity !! 🥂
This is also why I will be mean to my mother, being polite but mean, and unfriendly. :) I will use bad manners by being polite, no more good manners, my niceness is what people use to abuse me. I will be outraged at an ultimatum, I will not agree and say yes anymore! I will be mean and say fuck you and justify my moral behaviour. :)
It's not fake at all, being nice. When one's caracter is kind hearted and soft, then it's truely authentic and cherishable. The problem is that nowadays nastiness is being cultivated by too many. Kindness and being truely nice is often seen as a weakness! It is not so though!! On the contrary. Besides, one shldn't jump into a conflict just to state one's point. Avoiding conflicts and trying to solve issues another way is highly intelligent and better for all. Afcourse, alas, at times one has to.put one's foot down on the brake. Peace.
Ambriel Apps I do like your perception, this is exactly how I feel: Unfortunately, my kindness is not always welcomed and my character and strength is often undermined. Some even consider me as a narcissistic people pleaser, yet I'm not, I'm simply genuinely kind, it's how I was brought up. Today, I often feel out of place.
mrebholz Thanks for your opinion and exchange. Yes, the few people on this planet, like you and me, are often misunderstood or very wrongly interpreted. That's due to their faulty education, society, and later distorted viewpoints. For us, it's challenging to keep in track, and often very difficult to cope with the harshness and extreem unkindness between humans, but this also enables us to spiritually evolve and to show others that true kindness is possible and not wrong! 😉😏 You know who you are and what your are doing is good. Just be careful not to go too far in giving, (I know that's hard, and contrary to your nature, but boundaries are vital), nor to loose yourself in other peoples perverted way of being. Always ground yourself to Mother Earth, and be blessed by the Celestial White Light of God's Universe. 😊 Peace. 😙
No one is being nasty, they just hate the good for the sake of the good, but not being nasty to them doesn't work, I will be mean for your own good, I will be mean because it saves you from the mess you're in. I will kick ass being a gentleman and make it cool again. :)
The phrase I've heard that accurately describes what he's talking about is "people pleasing" at the expense of one's own dignity and self respect. I can still be a nice and kind person who is authentic and sets boundaries with people the question is will I still be liked and/or will the relationship stay the same once I address a conflict or speak my inconvenient truth about something I'm not comfortable with?
I use to be like that at my work but one day I let them have it. I was their hardest working employee, they knew it and I knew it. They have me on registers all day and then complained because the other work was not done. I told them that I can’t be 5 places at once and they need to be realistic. They got mad and told me to listen and I got louder and I said You listen for once! I work harder than anyone here and I help everyone out and no one helps me out! I’m tired of this and I’ll walk out and quit and you can stay over. Good luck trying to find someone that’s going to work half as good as me! I thought that I was going to get fired or they were just going to be like “bye” but they got scared and apologized to me and told me not to worry the rest of the night.
I don't necessarily think not speaking has to do with niceness. You can be nice and speak up. Anyway, this is still a good topic to learn nonetheless, in terms of being assertive. I think the difficult part is the idea that some people just don't change, so you have to just separate yourself from them.
clear mist you've already got the base of his point, then. It is more genuinely nice to tell someone yes when you want to, for example. But a lot of people feel obligated (myself included) and take on more than they can actually handle. That's the "nice" he's talking about.
Ink C, yeah, but I feel like a lot of times, this slight sacrifice can be useful or not that bad. Meaning, in life we have to sometimes deal with people and you can't really change the situation, so it really doesn't matter what you are. Being assertive doesn't make that much of a difference, so you just go through the motions. I guess what I mean is that that extra "sacrifice" is not really that much of a sacrifice. The other side to this is that if you're constantly worried about ever displaying any sort of weakness of any kind, you might get yourself into fights that are just not worth getting into. Often times, if you're just dealing with someone that you just see every once in awhile (at a workplace, school) or that you're never gonna see again (public place), it's almost always best to just avoid or be nice or just escape. Now, on the other hand, if you're dealing with someone toxic in your life or someone that you have to be around, and it turns into an abusive situation, then yes that can be a case where you have to stand up or just cut off ties with that person or continue to avoid.
I feel like a damn coward, and I'm always mad at myself for being too nice....even when I know the person is totally wrong, just so they won't feel bad and they end up taking advantage and eventually lose all respect for you....how do I stop this? I'm worried that I'm eventually going to lose it and turn into Charlie from ME MYSELF AND IRENE
So glad when I typed 'how to not be too nice' that vlogs actually exist. I'm sick of my wanting everything to be okay because I'm uncomfortable with conflict also. I just want to be authentic💖
Dr Hyman, the only thing I have to say that you could have talked a little bit about, is how holding things in, and 'lying " to yourself and others, can affect your health adversely.. stress, stifling your emotions, suppressing anger and frustration and anxiety, can have various consequences on your physical and mental and emotional health.. thank you
I was a chronic niceaholic up until I was 38 years old. By that point I was stretched so thin helping everyone ( some who wouldn't give me the time of day once I got them on their feet) that I finally started saying NO. If I didn't want to do something, I wouldn't make excuses, I would simply say, no. If asked why I would respond with, " Why should it matter? If I told you why would you gauge whether or not my reason was good enough? Just leave it at no. I have my reasons. The other thing, besides saying no, was to set limitations on how much help you are willing/ able to lend. Before, I figured " In for a penny, in for a pound" and continue helping " until the job was done", usually at the expense of my own time I could have spent with friends or taking night classes at college. I've felt so much better and people stopped leaning on me so heavily. Learning to say no and setting limitations are the two most valuable lessons I've learned the hard way.
Dang! I'm so using that response. I hate it when I say 'no' to pushy, overbearing people and then get that question, 'why?' Often times that makes me feel so uncomfortable that I will say, "yes" so as not to come off as mean. People have been telling me that I'm too nice since I was little.
Or you can just ignore everyone, forget their selfishness, toxicity, self-interests, and egoism, live by your own rules, get a dog and enjoy unconditional love of men's best friend. :)
Well done! Always have and are doing what works for you without making any mistakes. :) You're the perfect man and no one else is this magical spark which is life. :)
'Nice' people tend to sit on the fence too. 'He/she never said a bad word about anyone' is a statement I hate. People are going to piss you off, and you are going to vent those feelings at times....
Dang this is me. 😫 Never quite had it put in this perspective. I'm going to try to fight the temptation. I always thought it was to spare people's feelings...taking the higher ground. But you're right it's not authentic and it's a form of lying. Whoa! Gonna take some work, but when I'm tempted to be too nice I'm just going to take a deep breath and think "authentic."
Agreed. My father is a narcissist and can't take criticism. He needs everyone to rubber-stamp his ideas until he decides they don't work. I feel anxiety around him sometimes because I can't give him constructive criticism. The best thing is to have a balance between constant sweetness and flattery, and brutal honesty.
PlusHeight4PlusGut I'm going through it right here with you. I decided tonight's the night I cut contact. Narcs are what they are and as you know, they don't give a fuck about you. You need to start giving a fuck about YOU. I hope you can find peace. Stay strong.
Of course it's also possible that you are arrogant, so if others don't agree with your "constructive criticism" you can't stand it. You have to right to say whatever, and others also have the right to reject it.
Gosh I wish all of us loving, kind hearted ppl could get together and be friends since we’re all so spread out amongst users and takers.
Where u live
I have the same thought often. This world is crazy. We should create a wonderful place with just pleasant people. I'm sick of the hurt and the pain.
I want to join this party!!!
Yes imagin us at a work place just working and being kind, showing love and support, no ego and rudness 💔🥺...
I felt that comment!
"Don't trust too much, don't love too much. Because that too much could hurt you soo much ".
Exactly why I trust and love no one.
I grew to hate people for one reason.....they constantly mistake kindness for weakness, & TRY to use my kindness as a weapon against me.
As a result, I tell everyone NO.
The result is I live alone. My toxic "friends" & "family" are no longer part of my life.
I am sick of being used.
So I'm done!
s mc Same!!! It's on them how I have to defend myself from them. And they're too ignorant to even see that.
You have to set boundaries for yourself.
Me too I don't even want to let anybody in my life anymore!
I started setting more boundaries. I have a sister who never plans her visits ahead. Texts me the day she wants to get together. I told her I need two days advance planning. I set a boundary and now she never contacts me. This also happened to my supposed best friend. Once I told them I need advanced planning because I have a full life and can't drop everything last minute, I don't hear from them. They were both selfish beoootches who didn't have any respect for my time. They only thought about themselves.
I have less stress now and don't miss the constant texts and interruptions.
It's sad that they only want to get together on their terms. I no longer am a people pleaser. No is my favorite word and it started around age 35.
Dr. Hyman I needed this video. I want to become more strong as a woman, and as an individual.
Raleisha Guallaz Agreed.
Kindness to good people is awesome. Kindness to bullies or scum is not worth it. Best solution to bullies is confrontation. Straight up in the bully's face confrontation is best.
i don’t like normal people because they think you’re being scary when you’re being nice to them...
Robbie Southall th-cam.com/video/V9M3VBqEbek/w-d-xo.html this compliments the video here very well, imo.
This is the most important message from a video that applies to me. It's the number 1 area I'm lacking in and I'm working on it. Dr. Hyman you explained it so well. Thank you for opening up about this.
Thank you, I needed this! When I tell the truth my extended family have become angry at me. They hate anything to be dealt with directly. Being so nice never got me anywhere so I evaluate better when to be nice.
I agree and I try to live this, yet, it has the draw back of really offending and hurting people. Not very many people can handle it, There are times and situations, I have to hold back the truth as not to irrevocably damage certain relationships that are important to others around me. You have to be careful. There is a time and place to shell out raw truth.
Human beings, capable of flawed and distorted judgement, will always wrestle with these issues. Take each situation in context and not having a list of responses already set is important. Not every situation warrants the same method of response. That’s called wisdom..using knowledge and intuition to choose strategy.
Be honest, but be cautious.
But isnt it good to be a nice person, everyone deserves respect.
I suspect a lot of people are too nice because they lack the ability to judge what is appropriate behaviour. So they just go with whatever is optimal to the other person in order to avoid being considered a jerk.
I'm straight and honest as fuck I ended up living years with few people around but real quality and most people are intimidated or afraid lol anyway it is such a peaceful and less stressful life
Got a co-worker whose so nice and sweet,and people walk all over her,managers too. I told her to speak up firmly and stand up for yourself .Regardless if people will agree or not,it's the principle.Ive been there.
Blame is a companion, to the vicar-ious, and hate is to quit! Just about the only cure, for loneliness, is to be alone!
It's called people pleasing. It's the passive response out of 3 options. The other 2 are aggressive and assertive.
I think the passive response leads to aggressive response in time. With enough bad experiences, you keep holding in negative emotions like frustration, resentment, anger, etc from feeling like your being used and taken advantage of.
So one day you exploded and it all starts to come out. "No more Mr. Nice Guy" kicks in, the beginning of aggressive response. The goal needs to be assertive response/reaction/behavior/mentality.
YES MY DEAR FRIENDS .WORRIED NOT AND FEARS NOT FOR MANY OTHER THINGS .
i have these young adults that will rage and bully, go to any lengths when approached about anything to do with their behaviors that hurt others.
OMG! this is totally something I struggle with and I've been noticing this inner conflict within myself every time I hold back from saying what I need to say! I'm done being a nice-aholic
I love saying no and rarely apologize. It’s my life fuck what you heard.
Avoiding potential conflict is an extremely, extremely unique thing in many respects... In other words, everyone does it a bit differently... In my case, I have avoided certain people, certain situations in the past, due to anxiety, etc., but more in the recent past, I verbalize things in such a way that what I say is less abrasive to others. This is something I have been working on for a LONG, LONG, LONG time. Most of the time, these efforts pay off, but a minority of the time, they don't. So, yes, there ARE times when some kind of conflict/argument is inevitable with someone. At that point, the best thing to do is to simply be in control of oneself, no matter what the other person says or does... :-) Extremely GOOD video. :-)
I was told that I am to nice, but as soon as start being an Asshole...I'm a Psychopath..... Just be yourself
This is gold.
This really speaks to me. I do this.
Definitely being honest with a steady tone and loud enough to be understood works. You have a problem? Ask yourself what it is and what you want to do about it.
i am always nice to people, but i get blamed. i cannot change the way i am. i am so sick and tired of being nice and get no single respect. i am from Nepal and and most of nepalis people are like this, always caring for others and wanting to see others to be happy.
At one time I felt I had no voice as I was expected to be tactful at all times so as not to upset people even if they were using me or had made me a cup of tea in a way that I hated. If friends made unreasonable demands I either gave in or made excuses and when they cancelled arrangements at the last minute I would never show upset. When inappropriate comments were made I was expected not to answer back. Then I started speaking up.
All relationships are based on rules and boundaries. It isn't about emotion it's about learning and living by rules.
I'm a niceaholic. I hate it so much. I work in sales. "Lemme speak with my wife" "can I call you back"? I'm too passive it's affecting my career. Most of the feedback I get is ima great sales person l, but I won't get the sales the top reps get if I continue trying to "keep the peace" or afraid of burning a sale that was never going to happen anyway.
Alex Rodriguez so if a prospect says" I'll get back to you", what's a not nice sales guy supposed to say? No, you can't get back to me?
Sales is a joke as a career, a good product sells itself. Get a real job.
I will be not nice and stay in the house hurting myself by seeing nobody, it's painful but has to be done, I'll feel good later.
lol try finding better people
I’m not exaggerating but EVERYONE (parents included)I know of tells me that they don’t like the fact that I’m way too nice and that I need to loosen up
Wow.. this was something. It hit me real hard. Thank you .
I don't know why... but I cried when I watch your vd.. it's true that kindness kill me so many times... but rather than kill someone I choose to kill myself 😢
Carrot 17 I hope you don't mean that literally...
Rip carrot
Walk the middle path imao
carrot, i advise you to start a daily journal to observe, identify and eliminate all self defeating character flaws.
then you can stop being cordial, that means to stop being warmly and congenially affable. Instead you can be benevolent and helpful, niceness is getting you nowhere.
I love this video. When I say no they think I am not a nice person oh well I am tired of being manipulated!!!!!!
4 months ago someone sent: "yeah" from this phone. i have not viewed you before.
this is nice
there is nothing wrong with being too nice at all to me i just call it just being honest there's nothing wrong with that either
Why do women seem to like “bad boys” rather than genuinely kind and nice guys?
You're describing my mom and me to a tee.
Working on being more forthright.
Really appreciate this video hit the nail on the head!
I’m watching this because my bff is getting bossed around by a mean girl, she always wants to do everything so I had to be nice for 2 years so as my friend it even makes me angry 😤
Nice infomercial for the Handel Group life coaches. You better be getting at least 30% of revenue earned from every new client they get off this infomercial. Don’t be too NICE in your negotiations w/them Dr. Hyman.
Love this video. Gonna take this advice. I've been too nice too long.
Thank you very much for this video!
Just read 'No More Mr Nice Guy' - it sounds like the coach is following the book to the letter.
If I said what I think I'd be arrested.
I can totally relate and I need to improve on this! Are there any tips or do I need a coach 💯
It’s a matter of not always listening to your emotions.
Being nice is quite dumb in this world most people take being nice for weakness and also try and use you while nice people get treated like shit
I do not like saying no because people think bad over of then talk about you to other people
thats u u couldtn do it dont say its hard or impossible to do it by ur self cuz some of us can and u'll discorauge people that are trying to break thru by themselves and take the hope of people who do not have the money to geta life coach. so specifically say u alone couldnt do it by urself dont say its difficult or impossible to
What if I’m nice and do 1 or 2 tasks only?
This is incredible.
Hello, Mark. I'm from Brazil and I would like to submit a subtitle in portuguese to this video. I see that it is not enabled to receive community contributions. I'd like to ask you if it could be changed. Thank you.
Yep.
It’s hard not being decent ( nice ) when you are.
But you pay for it. People walk all over you.
I’m not nice. It didn’t work, I got stepped on.
So what ? ....if i am "being nice" -against my grain ....what i MAY be doing is simply trying to overcome my natural inclination to just ignore people and overcome my selfish desire to not be of any help. So what if its not "sincere".....IE: sometimes , you dont want to give money to a charity-but you do - because ITS RIGHT and proper ....this is the shit ayn rand ,etc espoused ..and whilst it may make you "true and authentic" ....maybe you are are just a true and authentic prick -and is a convenient justification for people who dont like to put themselves out for others -
people who say its manipulation have a point ....but its not the whole story
This behavior will be debilitating us.
I feel you explained this a bit too nicely. 🤔 niceaholic much?😅
It was great.
I'm a niceaholic
yes it's killing me.doh!
Don't know how nice it is to basically tell people it's hard for them to help them selfs by their Self , I mean jeez, I know u have a sponsor but this really a big deal for some people and to go and try to benefit of it , that I find low
so what do we need to do again?
You need first to make me a sandwhich then i have a list of things for you to do.
What if you tell people to not do this or that but they dont respect a word you say?
Vixinaful th-cam.com/video/V9M3VBqEbek/w-d-xo.html this compliments the video here very well, imo.
Maybe it is the way you tell people. Have you read anything on different leadership styles? Managing people?
My help cometh for the LORD
Is that Dr. Busta Hymen?
How to get everyone to ignore me
Y r u being so nice in this video
this video came up in a bunch of empathy videos lol
THE only thing from this video is: YOU should have money everything you doing.
"The man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away."
- Charles Schwab, 1862-1939, American Industrialist, Businessman
I am suffering in this world because I'm too kind. it stressed the hell out of me
metal garurumon Sorry....but, You might have to walk alone!
+K Dub i am always alone. i have to be evil sometimes
metal garurumon you may be a codependent. Was one of your parents unfulfilled and unhappy?
+Colum Nolan what does it mean by codependent? what does it mean by unfullfilled?
metal garurumon codependents are people who were brought up by one or more people that were unhappy or unbalanced or even exposed to a narcissist. Where saying no or disagreeing was not looked upon kindly. Codependency means you were in a relationship where you were dependent on eaxh other to maintain the thing. Unfulfilled.. as in unfulfilled in their life in some way. Thereby taking out their unhappiness on others by forcing them to behave in a certain manner. It is possible to heal from it ☺ just takes time and persistence
Kindness is getting me nowhere.Being nice is not working for me anymore.I'm 19 and I've been entirely too nice my whole life.I'm working now and my coworkers and manager try to take advantage of me because they know I can't say no.People don't take my friendship seriously either because I'm too nice and they think that they can treat me anyway and I'll always be there.IM SICK OF THIS.You'd think people would appreciate your kindness but they literally don't.I'm no longer about to be nice.I'm about to slowly ease into being rude .Not rude for no reason,but rude to the people that deserve it and think they can take advantage of me and walk all over me!
SCORPICAL don't change your good heartedness. You're streets ahead of a big portion of the population. So trust in your goodness and trust in your gut feelings and put yourself first. Putting yourself first doesn't mean selfishness it means honoring your needs when you have them. You're a naturally giving person but when you really don't want to do something, don't do it. In your relationships start saying what it is you want. Start simple eg. Going to a movie and your friend says what shall we see, instead of saying I don't mind what we see or something to that effect, pick something. It's about making small steps in expressing 'your choice in things'. You will train yourself bit by bit to express your choices. Just make it a fun exercise and you will get the hang of it. And another thing is you probably don't ask for help much because you are self reliant but start asking for help in small ways. Eg. if something is really heavy to carry and you really would like to have help, don't soldier on. Ask for help. It's too heavy. You need help. End of story.
Just by doing these 2 things you will experience more joy and support. People will start to get to know you by your choices but most importantly you will become very self aware of what you need and what makes you happy. You won't be a constant giver but will also receive in life too and this is key to a happier life. Please try these 2 small suggestions they WILL change how you're feeling and you will also keep your beautiful kind heart which is a gift to this world.
SCORPICAL read book by Robert green 48 laws of power first and then how to win and influince poeple by dell carngy
This is soooo me now. I was being too nice as well but it ruined my whole life upto now. Now people think I have changed a lot amd forgot the past even I'm not. But fuck sake, I don't give a shit now. That's old me. Not new me
SCORPICAL I'm 47 I'm just learning this ...im tired of it!!!!!!!!!
SCORPICAL Be kind instead. Always stand your ground.
The problem is people confuse nice with weak, I'm very nice and also VERY strong. I've surprised many people.
KidCity Lynnwood, Exactly!
Same
Right,
Be brave not timid
Being nice when you cant stand up for what you believe is weak, choosing to remain nice despite of being capable to stand up for what you believe is truly strong
Same here, once I get angry they looked shocked, cant believe I can be so aggressive.
Being a naturally genuinely nice person is very hard bc ppl do naturally see it as a weakness. It took me years to put my foot down but once you get there it’s the best feeling in the world.
I used to get so upset with ppl and not understand how they don’t view themselves as takers without a shred of guilt. I quickly learned that’s just the way some ppl are. There are givers and takers and ppl with a healthy balance of both (which we should all strive for).
Growing up with abusive parents and having been in a relationship with someone who blew up at everything, I became overly concerned with what others think - from worrying about hurting their feelings to worrying about whether they think I'm a decent person. It's absolutely draining. It got to the point where I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm just behaving so that I don't offend anyone or appear like a bad person to others. I AM TIRED OF IT.
Learning to trust myself is the solution to my problem. If I trust that I'm okay, I'm a good person, and I'm being fair and reasonable, I don't have to worry so much about whether someone will be unreasonably upset by something I say or do. I don't have to worry about what they think of me. I know who I am, I accept myself, and that's all it matters. The people giving me a hard time for being myself were disrespecting me and manipulating me into doing what they want. After years of abuse, it takes a lot of practice and reminders to STOP DEFAULTING TO WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK AND FEEL.
I just wish I had known this sooner. I was living under the mercy of what others thought until I was 35.
being nice isnt "always about fear" some people genually dont mind doing some things and are just nice and helpful naturally lol. but there's a differece if your weak and shy compared to just being too nice.
I'm too freaking nice!!! I hate it! instead of saying "no" I always say "yes" especially at work people take advantage of me because I wouldn't turn down anyone because I don't want them to feel bad, only to end up feeling bad about myself. One of my friends actually pointed this out and he told me that I'm fake. Wtf?! I'm just living my life trying to not get into any conflict then all of a sudden, I'm fucking fake because I'm being nice?! I need to end this shit and bring out the badass in me. 😠😠😠
Mechelle Huna I feel the exact same way, you are not alone 😤😧
Logan Parks let's just be mean so people would respect us. It's a strange world 😑
Mechelle Huna right!!?? My friends called me fake because I was being nice to someone else and they thought I was ditching them smh
Fucking literally. I hate it
Crazy world. everyone is trying to take advantage of each other. Nice people can’t survive in this. It comes with the agreeableness trait (Jordon Peterson). So this is what I’ve learned to do after having been taken advantage of until my late 20s by my parents, siblings, friends, Work bosses, peers, and even church family (it was a very nasty experience that I let happen multiple times because I was too nice to address the other types of people (“mean people”?)
1) be selfish - think about yourself first, your goals, your desires. As hard as it sounds, remember, the person asking you a favor or taking advantage of you is doing the same thing.
2) solo ride - from a song, it’s just me, myself and I. Don’t relay on anyone, become extremely independent. So when someone flakes on you, your not shipped wrecked because you weren’t relaying on them to be there anyways.
3) push back - no one ever said you have to do something for them. Your not bound by law (unless contracted) or by force. If they try to leverage their friendship, then this is someone who doesn’t care about you or your friendship. Distance yourself from them, and research narcissistic and manipulative traits. 100% guarantee they are using these strategies against you. Red Flag! Get away from them or emotionally distance yourself.
Also (3A) grow some teeth, people learn behavior modification. When they feel you have some teeth and will standup for yourself, they will realize they can’t push you around anymore and will go find some other weaker being to manipulate and take advantage of. Be careful and realize they will try to pin this on you and say you are mean or rude in order to justify to themselves and the group that your friendship is no longer worth it, ( they will even “gaslight” you to do this). Cover your ass by having things in writing (email or text) when appropriate and or voice recording (app on your phone). Crazy, I know, but these little basters are even crazier and the only way to expose them and up them, is to think even crazier. Know their tricks so well that you can use them against them. And then be nice to people who are really worth it and that you are able to get something in return for (1=1, not 1=0).
BONUS: realize it’s terribly hard to find honest, loyal and trustworthy people in the world, in your life. If you find them, hold on to that friendship, and if they are that kinda of special, marry them.
After years of grueling work, I just received professional feedback that I am “too respectful”😳. Wtf?!?
I just see the difference between being nice and being kind. They're not the same to me. Being nice is more of a behavior that people project to other people; being kind is a person's character. People don't seem to value kindness at all in general. They value popularity or being famous nowadays.
I got so much more benefit from reading all the great comments here than I️ did from watching the actual video 😆. Thank you people!!! Let’s all get more comfy with conflict :) bring it on...no more mr nice girl/guy. Here’s to Truth & Authenticity !! 🥂
Sarahjane ~ Ohh, it's on! Yeah! Wait... Is it ok with you if I join in?
Im learning being nice ...Get u no were in life
This is why I can truly say I trust Nobody
This is also why I will be mean to my mother, being polite but mean, and unfriendly. :) I will use bad manners by being polite, no more good manners, my niceness is what people use to abuse me. I will be outraged at an ultimatum, I will not agree and say yes anymore! I will be mean and say fuck you and justify my moral behaviour. :)
It's not fake at all, being nice. When one's caracter is kind hearted and soft, then it's truely authentic and cherishable. The problem is that nowadays nastiness is being cultivated by too many. Kindness and being truely nice is often seen as a weakness! It is not so though!! On the contrary.
Besides, one shldn't jump into a conflict just to state one's point. Avoiding conflicts and trying to solve issues another way is highly intelligent and better for all. Afcourse, alas, at times one has to.put one's foot down on the brake. Peace.
Ambriel Apps
I do like your perception, this is exactly how I feel: Unfortunately, my kindness is not always welcomed and my character and strength is often undermined. Some even consider me as a narcissistic people pleaser, yet I'm not, I'm simply genuinely kind, it's how I was brought up. Today, I often feel out of place.
mrebholz
Thanks for your opinion and exchange. Yes, the few people on this planet, like you and me, are often misunderstood or very wrongly interpreted. That's due to their faulty education, society, and later distorted viewpoints. For us, it's challenging to keep in track, and often very difficult to cope with the harshness and extreem unkindness between humans, but this also enables us to spiritually evolve and to show others that true kindness is possible and not wrong! 😉😏 You know who you are and what your are doing is good. Just be careful not to go too far in giving, (I know that's hard, and contrary to your nature, but boundaries are vital), nor to loose yourself in other peoples perverted way of being. Always ground yourself to Mother Earth, and be blessed by the Celestial White Light of God's Universe. 😊 Peace. 😙
It's fake when you don't feel like being nice, but you are. Someone steps on your shoe and you smile and say thank you, that's fake.
No one is being nasty, they just hate the good for the sake of the good, but not being nasty to them doesn't work, I will be mean for your own good, I will be mean because it saves you from the mess you're in. I will kick ass being a gentleman and make it cool again. :)
The phrase I've heard that accurately describes what he's talking about is "people pleasing" at the expense of one's own dignity and self respect. I can still be a nice and kind person who is authentic and sets boundaries with people the question is will I still be liked and/or will the relationship stay the same once I address a conflict or speak my inconvenient truth about something I'm not comfortable with?
Rose J. Not vary often because people know if there taking the piss and if you don't let them there attitude changes
Everyone we should always be kind but being too nice is not ok...
I think we should be benevolent and helpful and not nice.
I use to be like that at my work but one day I let them have it. I was their hardest working employee, they knew it and I knew it. They have me on registers all day and then complained because the other work was not done. I told them that I can’t be 5 places at once and they need to be realistic. They got mad and told me to listen and I got louder and I said You listen for once! I work harder than anyone here and I help everyone out and no one helps me out! I’m tired of this and I’ll walk out and quit and you can stay over. Good luck trying to find someone that’s going to work half as good as me! I thought that I was going to get fired or they were just going to be like “bye” but they got scared and apologized to me and told me not to worry the rest of the night.
This happened to me yesterday. Not sure what will happen. Time will tell.
It’s called being an Empath. It’s hard and can be debilitating, until you learn how to control it.
Summer Time yep
I still haven't learned 😧
I know you feel sorry for them, so you over help.
xrayiiis I used to feel sorry for them, not anymore, they have systematically tried to dismantle my life too many times.
Empathy is useless when sympathy controls .
Im a rehabilatated doormat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zack Watkins ... any advice or tips?
Zack Watkins lol. How did you get out of it
Zack Watkins in the process need help...
I don't necessarily think not speaking has to do with niceness. You can be nice and speak up. Anyway, this is still a good topic to learn nonetheless, in terms of being assertive. I think the difficult part is the idea that some people just don't change, so you have to just separate yourself from them.
clear mist you've already got the base of his point, then. It is more genuinely nice to tell someone yes when you want to, for example. But a lot of people feel obligated (myself included) and take on more than they can actually handle. That's the "nice" he's talking about.
Ink C, yeah, but I feel like a lot of times, this slight sacrifice can be useful or not that bad. Meaning, in life we have to sometimes deal with people and you can't really change the situation, so it really doesn't matter what you are. Being assertive doesn't make that much of a difference, so you just go through the motions. I guess what I mean is that that extra "sacrifice" is not really that much of a sacrifice. The other side to this is that if you're constantly worried about ever displaying any sort of weakness of any kind, you might get yourself into fights that are just not worth getting into. Often times, if you're just dealing with someone that you just see every once in awhile (at a workplace, school) or that you're never gonna see again (public place), it's almost always best to just avoid or be nice or just escape. Now, on the other hand, if you're dealing with someone toxic in your life or someone that you have to be around, and it turns into an abusive situation, then yes that can be a case where you have to stand up or just cut off ties with that person or continue to avoid.
I feel like a damn coward, and I'm always mad at myself for being too nice....even when I know the person is totally wrong, just so they won't feel bad and they end up taking advantage and eventually lose all respect for you....how do I stop this? I'm worried that I'm eventually going to lose it and turn into Charlie from ME MYSELF AND IRENE
J.B STYLEZ th-cam.com/video/V9M3VBqEbek/w-d-xo.html this compliments the video here very well, imo.
So glad when I typed 'how to not be too nice' that vlogs actually exist. I'm sick of my wanting everything to be okay because I'm uncomfortable with conflict also. I just want to be authentic💖
Dr Hyman, the only thing I have to say that you could have talked a little bit about, is how holding things in, and 'lying " to yourself and others, can affect your health adversely.. stress, stifling your emotions, suppressing anger and frustration and anxiety, can have various consequences on your physical and mental and emotional health.. thank you
Remnant Soldier great point 😊
I was a chronic niceaholic up until I was 38 years old. By that point I was stretched so thin helping everyone ( some who wouldn't give me the time of day once I got them on their feet) that I finally started saying NO. If I didn't want to do something, I wouldn't make excuses, I would simply say, no. If asked why I would respond with, " Why should it matter? If I told you why would you gauge whether or not my reason was good enough? Just leave it at no. I have my reasons.
The other thing, besides saying no, was to set limitations on how much help you are willing/ able to lend.
Before, I figured " In for a penny, in for a pound" and continue helping " until the job was done", usually at the expense of my own time I could have spent with friends or taking night classes at college.
I've felt so much better and people stopped leaning on me so heavily.
Learning to say no and setting limitations are the two most valuable lessons I've learned the hard way.
A Keeper Of Odd Knowledge word!
Well said.
Epic!! :)
Dang! I'm so using that response. I hate it when I say 'no' to pushy, overbearing people and then get that question, 'why?' Often times that makes me feel so uncomfortable that I will say, "yes" so as not to come off as mean. People have been telling me that I'm too nice since I was little.
Thank you for sharing
Or you can just ignore everyone, forget their selfishness, toxicity, self-interests, and egoism, live by your own rules, get a dog and enjoy unconditional love of men's best friend. :)
Well I'm kinda getting a good vibe here, most people here are like me. :D
Well done! Always have and are doing what works for you without making any mistakes. :) You're the perfect man and no one else is this magical spark which is life. :)
'Nice' people tend to sit on the fence too. 'He/she never said a bad word about anyone' is a statement I hate. People are going to piss you off, and you are going to vent those feelings at times....
Dang this is me. 😫 Never quite had it put in this perspective. I'm going to try to fight the temptation. I always thought it was to spare people's feelings...taking the higher ground. But you're right it's not authentic and it's a form of lying. Whoa! Gonna take some work, but when I'm tempted to be too nice I'm just going to take a deep breath and think "authentic."
Agreed. My father is a narcissist and can't take criticism. He needs everyone to rubber-stamp his ideas until he decides they don't work. I feel anxiety around him sometimes because I can't give him constructive criticism.
The best thing is to have a balance between constant sweetness and flattery, and brutal honesty.
PlusHeight4PlusGut yeah man. You nailed it
PlusHeight4PlusGut
I'm going through it right here with you. I decided tonight's the night I cut contact.
Narcs are what they are and as you know, they don't give a fuck about you.
You need to start giving a fuck about YOU.
I hope you can find peace.
Stay strong.
Of course it's also possible that you are arrogant, so if others don't agree with your "constructive criticism" you can't stand it. You have to right to say whatever, and others also have the right to reject it.
Most monarchs are narcissists. That's the only way they are not gonna kill or demote you.
I was talking about the original commenter, not monarchs