As a married woman here’s a list of things that hindered my sex life and sexuality: 1. Purity Culture 2. Sexual Trauma AND Emotional Trauma (being sexually violated and a bad breakup are both stored by the body) 3. Anxiety 4. SHAME (Instilled fear and stigmas about sex from childhood ) 5. Oppressed sexual development (parents not allowing kids to date, learn the opposite sex, boundaries, patterns of behavior, etc) 6. Not knowing your physical body or his (porn can’t be your sole reference form of foundational sex education) 7. Strong differences on biblical perspectives around sex that discourages sexual appetite. 8. Self Care (Not learning to care for and love yourself physically) 9. Mind and Body Connection (violating your body’s consent in any sexual encounter will result in produced trauma. In ex. Don’t have sex for the first time on your wedding night after waiting if you don’t feel like your body is ready to receive him) 10. Sexual attraction and Chemistry cannot be engineered. (Something you don’t learn in church because the Holy Spirit is expected to do all the engineering.) 11. Resentment (whether past or present this will out sexual desire quickly) 12. BEING BROKE (lack of financial stability will CHOKE every bit of life out of your sex life) 13. Deliverance (after you’ve addressed all of the above you need God to remove the chains) As you can see this is a long list. Women being expected to solely figure out their sexualities IN marriage is somewhat of a setup to fail. Truthfully I’m tired of Christian women being failed on something so core to our identities as women and wives. But for those of us that learned through trial and error it’s time for us to speak up for younger women. That’s a biblical obligation.
I love this conversation so much. I will say it's taken me a long time to fully understand sex and intimacy the way God ordained it to be, but I am so happy I now get it. It is always a learning process because you do hear so many people's perspective and the things that may be considered a sin or not. I think as a body we don't have this conversation enough in the context of marriage and not being ashamed of your body and sex in general. One thing I want to add if I may is that I don't think people even consider so many of our ideas surrounding sex is wrong. Even for a woman, communicating negatively or even in silence, most women don't know anything about men. Most have been raised by a single mother and surrounded by woman all our lives. All we know in regards to a man is what we hear from grandma, mom, or aunty. So there is a huge gap in the way we know how to relate to a man. We took all our knowledge from the buck narrative or music and movies. The world have this conversation all the time and it's not in the confounds of a covenant. I've been married to my husband for 19 years I am 38 years old and it has just been within the last 3 years that's I've felt comfortable even talking about certain things. I don't want to go to far in the comment section but this conversation is so important and it doesn't have to be scary. Being married is such a gift from God. He wants us to enjoy each other and learn each other we are supposed to be one flesh.
Honestly, as Christians , we need to let God show us a healthy view of physical intimacy. And we need healing!! We shouldn't be imitating the world with their vulgar and crude views!! This mindset should be reflected in our vocabulary. Why is a Christian a" freak" in the bedroom? Look up the definition of a freak. This should be a sacred place. A place of love and intimacy. And this should continue to grow throughout your marriage. And this brings you closer. But Being more freaky shouldn't be the goal!
I really loved what you said about curating your appetite and it makes so much practical sense. I use to hate vegetables as a kid but as an adult I just kept eating it and now I actually crave the taste of carrots and tomatoes. Like what you feed continually is what you will crave. I also loved the part about sexual memory because this is not often talked about. I think as single women waiting for marriage it is so important to intentionally and continuously pursue deliverance from past relationships/bonds/covenants because you will take the residue into your marriage if you don’t. Thank you so much for this!!!
What feels good feels good and what does not does not and it's only through experience that you will know what it is you actually like when it comes to taste, sensations and touch. If you end up with a person not capable of getting you there nothing else is going to magically do that for you. if the spot is somewhere the person you are with can't reach it, it's not going to move somewhere the person can, you will just never experience that particular pleasure... Your past is your past, it made you who you are, don't demonize it or run away from it, just accept it as knowledge otherwise it can become toxic and bring shame which is not healthy.
Thank y'all for having this conversation and opening up the floor to discuss sex in a more healthy and godly way. It's definitely something that Christians avoid talking about, but it's so important to have these discussions with God in the middle of them. If not, then the world becomes the source to define what sex is, and that's never really good. So, thank you for this.
Thank you all for this ! This conversation is so necessary!!!💯 My sisters and I have been saying that we wish we had something like this in church .. because everyone else is talking about it except for us….we act like sex is a bad word as if God didn’t create it ..
man, this is so good and so real. a conversation that really needs to be had is the reframing of sex within the Christian context by and large. I love Song of Solomon! That book is…whew! I am currently in the process of being transformed by the renewing of my mind in this way. Holy intimacy is a really important part of every marriage
Sexual repression is real and the church does a terrible job in addressing it. In fact, the church causes a lot of damage in this important area of marriage!
Another scenario as the why experience come slow or not all : when two virgins get married. Many people say they have sex before marriage to avoid this problem. Even with communication, it can be very difficult to work towards something you've never felt.
As a woman, purity culture also taught me sex wasn’t for me. Even though I liked it I didn’t know my pleasure mattered. I endured painful sex for years and didn’t realize that wasn’t ok. I was also coerced into have sex when I was 17 and I thought I was ruined and no one would ever want me. I had heard I was a chewed up piece a gum and a flower that had its petals plucked off. Those teachings really broke me.
I hated myself every day for my sexual experiences. For years and years. I truly didn’t believe God loved me and I had committed the worst sin bc purity culture elevates sexual sin to be the worst thing.
I am sorry for your painful experience! You are the temple of the Holy Spirit and whoever was responsible for hurting you will answer to God in accordance to 1 Corinthians 3:17. You are not a thing to be cast aside and get mistreated. You are daughter of the most High God as long as you receive the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior and mediator with God. Commune with the Holy Spirit and ask Him to wash you with the Word and watch Him do amazing things! For a more positive understanding of intimacy, read the Song of Solomon. I guarantee you, God meant for sex to be enjoyed by both a husband and a wife. May you rejoice in God and may God bless you with a Kingdom marriage that glorifies Him and satisfies you! 💛
If you are not with the right person, its gonna be a struggle. Anyone can kiss anyone but its only going to be pleasurable if its with the right person with the right cocktail of attraction, intimacy, mechanical compatibility, and personality. If any of that is off, manytimes, especially for women, it's not going to be satisfying. You can explore until you are blue in the face and it won't matter becasue they are not it, there might be a lot of other things great about them but all couples have incompatibilities they agree to disagree on or shelve and sex could be that for you. People are not robots, it's not just a matter of pushing buttons that will give a definite output or learning a formula. Sometimes it can be worked out and sometimes it can't and we have to be careful not to make people who come up short not feel like they did not try hard enough, or pray hard enough or anything like that. Its possible that kind of satisfaction may not be a part of your union and you are together for other reasons...
@@forevermoss4007 Human beings make bad choices, we are fallible so sometimes we pick wrong or cant see the whole picture of a person so we have to give ourselves grace and space to admit when we need to cut our losses and try again elsewhere. Its ok to try but you have to give yourself a point where if it does not work you asses reality and your options.
If you are in a God sanctioned marriage, it might be spiritual warfare because the enemy knows that marital intimacy is the most powerful and binding factor that can empower both the husband and the wife to be more productive in life and in the Kingdom. It's more important to ask the Holy Spirit what is going on and how to fix it because "incompatibility" and "lack of chemistry" are not an option to end a God ordained marriage.
Brittany Broaddus-Smith is a Christian Sexologist (they exist, I know lol) It's worth having a conversation with her because she deals with the issues of sex in the Christian context
Just checked out the Intimacy Firm because so many people mentioned it. One thing I want to say… and this may not sit well with some people. Yes, we def need to talk about sex in the church, but I personally feel there needs to be some sense of modesty. And I am not taking about purity culture. But our culture is so sex-obsessed today I think it’s easy to let things slide…. such as the “it’s the c*}t for me” T’s and sweatshirts on the Intimacy Firm site. It just seems inappropriate… particularly for wearing in public or around children. Thoughts?
Interesting. Sex is a beautiful thing and open conversation about it is a must for married couples. It is a man's duty to please his wife. In order to do that, a man must humble himself and ask his wife what she likes etc.
Brittany Broadus Smith is a Christian Sexologist. Sexologist Shamyra is another. Also, there’s Goody Howard. There’s so many people who can teach on the topic. 😊
Dealing with Lust and/or having a Spirit spouse will turn you off with your spouse as well. If Satan can lure you away from your spouse it's hard to come back from that if both parties aren't willing to go to marriage counseling to make it work
I feel defeated in life. Im 40 and my ex wife was a narcissist who intentionally withheld sex from me because that is a woman's power over a mans esteem. I had not choice but to go back to the masturbation I grew up with. Now im broke, I have no chance of getting a wife. Im working but inflation has smacked me down to the dirt. So Iv lived a life perpetually masturbating since a terrible childhood. I hope to God he will do something to intervene. Not masturbating is not an option, it doesnt have to be so often but it is biology, i tried it for a year and it was one of the most depressed years of my life I felt like suicide. It needs to be replaced with a real wife not a screen of images. I hope God intervenes soon, its gone on far too long.
I'm not in love with my husband anymore. How do I fall back in love with him again? What must he do and what do I do in this situation? Def need a part 2 please.
I did not think I was in love with my husband. I was actually dealing with unforgiveness and bitterness. Perhaps this is an issue for you? Long story short, we divorced. Thirty years later, I still wish we hadn't.
I’m married and I don’t know if we’re compatible because we don’t have sex. My husband and I have not had sex since we got married. We’ve been married almost 6 years.
Good convo but y'all do not need to demonstrate anything. Couples who feel sexually incompatible should fast and go to The Lord and He'll teach them how to please and relate to one another. Many couples are looking for physical satisfaction and they are empty concerning spiritual intimacy with their Savior. Once they're full of the spirit they can be the most amateur of amateurs and The Lord will enhance it to be the best experience ever!
Very disappointing that as a Christian couple, you never mentioned God or seeking Him in this area! You didn't say anything different that i could get from a non Christian. Go to Google?? Go to God, before Marriage, after marriage. That's what i did and He really opened up my understanding in that area. Showed me the difference between love and lustful sex!
1. What do i need to ask my partner about sex during courtship and engagement? 2. How can i protect myself from purity culture as a young woman? I forsee myself taking a long time getting used to relating with my future husband sexually. The idea of my body being "ours" and not mine alone is a bit disturbing because i am i am so used to preserving myself sexually. Please help a sis out🫤
I encourage you to go watch Stephanie Ikes series on marriage. She gives a beautiful message about how we become one with our husbands and God's purpose behind it. I pray that it blesses you.
@@Graceandfaith15 her series is wonderful. I've already watched the latest one about a Godly wife. Been waiting patiently for her to release the rest of the series 😭
As a married woman here’s a list of things that hindered my sex life and sexuality:
1. Purity Culture
2. Sexual Trauma AND Emotional Trauma (being sexually violated and a bad breakup are both stored by the body)
3. Anxiety
4. SHAME (Instilled fear and stigmas about sex from childhood )
5. Oppressed sexual development (parents not allowing kids to date, learn the opposite sex, boundaries, patterns of behavior, etc)
6. Not knowing your physical body or his (porn can’t be your sole reference form of foundational sex education)
7. Strong differences on biblical perspectives around sex that discourages sexual appetite.
8. Self Care (Not learning to care for and love yourself physically)
9. Mind and Body Connection (violating your body’s consent in any sexual encounter will result in produced trauma. In ex. Don’t have sex for the first time on your wedding night after waiting if you don’t feel like your body is ready to receive him)
10. Sexual attraction and Chemistry cannot be engineered. (Something you don’t learn in church because the Holy Spirit is expected to do all the engineering.)
11. Resentment (whether past or present this will out sexual desire quickly)
12. BEING BROKE (lack of financial stability will CHOKE every bit of life out of your sex life)
13. Deliverance (after you’ve addressed all of the above you need God to remove the chains)
As you can see this is a long list. Women being expected to solely figure out their sexualities IN marriage is somewhat of a setup to fail. Truthfully I’m tired of Christian women being failed on something so core to our identities as women and wives. But for those of us that learned through trial and error it’s time for us to speak up for younger women. That’s a biblical obligation.
Thank you for sharing
✅✅✅✅
Thank you for sharing this. I wish I could like this 1,000 times just because you were vulnerable to share
🗣️
I love this conversation so much. I will say it's taken me a long time to fully understand sex and intimacy the way God ordained it to be, but I am so happy I now get it. It is always a learning process because you do hear so many people's perspective and the things that may be considered a sin or not. I think as a body we don't have this conversation enough in the context of marriage and not being ashamed of your body and sex in general. One thing I want to add if I may is that I don't think people even consider so many of our ideas surrounding sex is wrong. Even for a woman, communicating negatively or even in silence, most women don't know anything about men. Most have been raised by a single mother and surrounded by woman all our lives. All we know in regards to a man is what we hear from grandma, mom, or aunty. So there is a huge gap in the way we know how to relate to a man. We took all our knowledge from the buck narrative or music and movies. The world have this conversation all the time and it's not in the confounds of a covenant. I've been married to my husband for 19 years I am 38 years old and it has just been within the last 3 years that's I've felt comfortable even talking about certain things. I don't want to go to far in the comment section but this conversation is so important and it doesn't have to be scary. Being married is such a gift from God. He wants us to enjoy each other and learn each other we are supposed to be one flesh.
Honestly, as Christians , we need to let God show us a healthy view of physical intimacy. And we need healing!! We shouldn't be imitating the world with their vulgar and crude views!!
This mindset should be reflected in our vocabulary. Why is a Christian a" freak" in the bedroom? Look up the definition of a freak.
This should be a sacred place. A place of love and intimacy. And this should continue to grow throughout your marriage. And this brings you closer.
But Being more freaky shouldn't be the goal!
I really loved what you said about curating your appetite and it makes so much practical sense. I use to hate vegetables as a kid but as an adult I just kept eating it and now I actually crave the taste of carrots and tomatoes. Like what you feed continually is what you will crave.
I also loved the part about sexual memory because this is not often talked about. I think as single women waiting for marriage it is so important to intentionally and continuously pursue deliverance from past relationships/bonds/covenants because you will take the residue into your marriage if you don’t. Thank you so much for this!!!
What feels good feels good and what does not does not and it's only through experience that you will know what it is you actually like when it comes to taste, sensations and touch. If you end up with a person not capable of getting you there nothing else is going to magically do that for you. if the spot is somewhere the person you are with can't reach it, it's not going to move somewhere the person can, you will just never experience that particular pleasure... Your past is your past, it made you who you are, don't demonize it or run away from it, just accept it as knowledge otherwise it can become toxic and bring shame which is not healthy.
@@r.walker7986 TYOTB fast by Tiphani Montgomery provides a great resource on the above. Please check it out. Blessings 🤍
Thank y'all for having this conversation and opening up the floor to discuss sex in a more healthy and godly way. It's definitely something that Christians avoid talking about, but it's so important to have these discussions with God in the middle of them. If not, then the world becomes the source to define what sex is, and that's never really good. So, thank you for this.
Thank you all for this ! This conversation is so necessary!!!💯
My sisters and I have been saying that we wish we had something like this in church .. because everyone else is talking about it except for us….we act like sex is a bad word as if God didn’t create it ..
man, this is so good and so real. a conversation that really needs to be had is the reframing of sex within the Christian context by and large. I love Song of Solomon! That book is…whew! I am currently in the process of being transformed by the renewing of my mind in this way. Holy intimacy is a really important part of every marriage
Vaginismus is a problem but there is help for it.
@msandmrsmckay both men and women who actually want to have sex/want satisfy their partner
Sexual repression is real and the church does a terrible job in addressing it. In fact, the church causes a lot of damage in this important area of marriage!
I agree
I'm glad to discovered your channel. He was speaking truth. The scripture says "you have not because you asked not."
James 4:2
Come on with scripture
I love this conversation. My husband and I have ZERO sexual issues BUT this convo IS needed for those that do.
Thats’s great. Did you marry as virgins?
You’re goals. Purity culture and marrying as virgins has made it challenging for a lot of Christians to embrace sexuality
Love this video ❤ so real and honest
Porn has no place in a marriage
I second those classes and workshops. 🙋🏾♀️
@msandmrsmckay 😂 we will see. 🤪
That brother Ez dropping BIG wisdom 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I needed this. Thank you Azonwus! Love you guys!
Hi, thanks for this conversation. At what stage should you talk about intimacy in a relationship? When you're engaged maybe?
Another scenario as the why experience come slow or not all : when two virgins get married. Many people say they have sex before marriage to avoid this problem. Even with communication, it can be very difficult to work towards something you've never felt.
This is great help.
There's this great book by Bishop Dag Heward Mills titled "Model Marriage".
Ya’ll have talk to Brittany Broaddus-Smith at The Intimacy Firm! She is a Christian sexologist and Social Worker. She’s a great resource!
Great conversation!!!
As a woman, purity culture also taught me sex wasn’t for me. Even though I liked it I didn’t know my pleasure mattered. I endured painful sex for years and didn’t realize that wasn’t ok. I was also coerced into have sex when I was 17 and I thought I was ruined and no one would ever want me. I had heard I was a chewed up piece a gum and a flower that had its petals plucked off. Those teachings really broke me.
I hated myself every day for my sexual experiences. For years and years. I truly didn’t believe God loved me and I had committed the worst sin bc purity culture elevates sexual sin to be the worst thing.
I am sorry for your painful experience! You are the temple of the Holy Spirit and whoever was responsible for hurting you will answer to God in accordance to 1 Corinthians 3:17. You are not a thing to be cast aside and get mistreated. You are daughter of the most High God as long as you receive the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior and mediator with God. Commune with the Holy Spirit and ask Him to wash you with the Word and watch Him do amazing things! For a more positive understanding of intimacy, read the Song of Solomon. I guarantee you, God meant for sex to be enjoyed by both a husband and a wife. May you rejoice in God and may God bless you with a Kingdom marriage that glorifies Him and satisfies you! 💛
If you are not with the right person, its gonna be a struggle. Anyone can kiss anyone but its only going to be pleasurable if its with the right person with the right cocktail of attraction, intimacy, mechanical compatibility, and personality. If any of that is off, manytimes, especially for women, it's not going to be satisfying. You can explore until you are blue in the face and it won't matter becasue they are not it, there might be a lot of other things great about them but all couples have incompatibilities they agree to disagree on or shelve and sex could be that for you. People are not robots, it's not just a matter of pushing buttons that will give a definite output or learning a formula. Sometimes it can be worked out and sometimes it can't and we have to be careful not to make people who come up short not feel like they did not try hard enough, or pray hard enough or anything like that. Its possible that kind of satisfaction may not be a part of your union and you are together for other reasons...
This comment right here. Most ppl don't want to take reality into account.Some of us just aren't compatible in all aspects.
@@forevermoss4007 Human beings make bad choices, we are fallible so sometimes we pick wrong or cant see the whole picture of a person so we have to give ourselves grace and space to admit when we need to cut our losses and try again elsewhere. Its ok to try but you have to give yourself a point where if it does not work you asses reality and your options.
If you are in a God sanctioned marriage, it might be spiritual warfare because the enemy knows that marital intimacy is the most powerful and binding factor that can empower both the husband and the wife to be more productive in life and in the Kingdom. It's more important to ask the Holy Spirit what is going on and how to fix it because "incompatibility" and "lack of chemistry" are not an option to end a God ordained marriage.
@@Patty-444 No amount of prayer is gonna make eyeballs grow in the head of a person born without eyes.
Great conversation. Thank you for sharing
Wow this topic just came to my mind last night!
Brittany Broaddus-Smith is a Christian Sexologist (they exist, I know lol) It's worth having a conversation with her because she deals with the issues of sex in the Christian context
Just checked out the Intimacy Firm because so many people mentioned it. One thing I want to say… and this may not sit well with some people. Yes, we def need to talk about sex in the church, but I personally feel there needs to be some sense of modesty. And I am not taking about purity culture. But our culture is so sex-obsessed today I think it’s easy to let things slide…. such as the “it’s the c*}t for me” T’s and sweatshirts on the Intimacy Firm
site. It just seems inappropriate… particularly for wearing in public or around children. Thoughts?
Interesting. Sex is a beautiful thing and open conversation about it is a must for married couples. It is a man's duty to please his wife. In order to do that, a man must humble himself and ask his wife what she likes etc.
Closed mouths don’t get fed also translates to “Yet you have not because you ask not.” James 4:1
That’s it!
Brittany Broadus Smith is a Christian Sexologist. Sexologist Shamyra is another. Also, there’s Goody Howard. There’s so many people who can teach on the topic. 😊
This will good... So needed
Yes! The intimacy firm… contact her please. The intimacy firm does Christian education around sex
Dealing with Lust and/or having a Spirit spouse will turn you off with your spouse as well. If Satan can lure you away from your spouse it's hard to come back from that if both parties aren't willing to go to marriage counseling to make it work
I feel defeated in life. Im 40 and my ex wife was a narcissist who intentionally withheld sex from me because that is a woman's power over a mans esteem. I had not choice but to go back to the masturbation I grew up with. Now im broke, I have no chance of getting a wife. Im working but inflation has smacked me down to the dirt. So Iv lived a life perpetually masturbating since a terrible childhood. I hope to God he will do something to intervene. Not masturbating is not an option, it doesnt have to be so often but it is biology, i tried it for a year and it was one of the most depressed years of my life I felt like suicide. It needs to be replaced with a real wife not a screen of images. I hope God intervenes soon, its gone on far too long.
Email us: theazonwus@gmail.com
I'm not in love with my husband anymore. How do I fall back in love with him again? What must he do and what do I do in this situation? Def need a part 2 please.
We can answer this question on our part 2 but yes need more detail. You can also email us. See description
I did not think I was in love with my husband. I was actually dealing with unforgiveness and bitterness. Perhaps this is an issue for you? Long story short, we divorced. Thirty years later, I still wish we hadn't.
What if you already communicated with your spouse and they are dismissive?
Find out the reason behind the dismissal
I really love this topic! But, what is your interpretation of the bed being defiled?
@spicedwife podcast with Ashlyn talks about Godly sex and she helps a lot of Christian women !
I’m married and I don’t know if we’re compatible because we don’t have sex. My husband and I have not had sex since we got married. We’ve been married almost 6 years.
This is serious and requires a third party asap. Are you guys open to this?
Bibe says ye have not because ye ask not! lol 😂
What if she say she dont feel it.......... LETS TALK
Good convo but y'all do not need to demonstrate anything. Couples who feel sexually incompatible should fast and go to The Lord and He'll teach them how to please and relate to one another. Many couples are looking for physical satisfaction and they are empty concerning spiritual intimacy with their Savior. Once they're full of the spirit they can be the most amateur of amateurs and The Lord will enhance it to be the best experience ever!
11:11! 😮
Loved this
Very disappointing that as a Christian couple, you never mentioned God or seeking Him in this area!
You didn't say anything different that i could get from a non Christian.
Go to Google?? Go to God, before Marriage, after marriage.
That's what i did and He really opened up my understanding in that area. Showed me the difference between love and lustful sex!
@wholesomesexuality
1. What do i need to ask my partner about sex during courtship and engagement?
2. How can i protect myself from purity culture as a young woman? I forsee myself taking a long time getting used to relating with my future husband sexually. The idea of my body being "ours" and not mine alone is a bit disturbing because i am i am so used to preserving myself sexually. Please help a sis out🫤
@msandmrsmckay
That was mean. Even if she did read before asking, the writer of that information also would’ve been a stranger.
@msandmrsmckay not your bipolar kicking in at this hour Chile. Get away✋🏽✋🏽
I encourage you to go watch Stephanie Ikes series on marriage. She gives a beautiful message about how we become one with our husbands and God's purpose behind it. I pray that it blesses you.
@@Graceandfaith15 her series is wonderful. I've already watched the latest one about a Godly wife. Been waiting patiently for her to release the rest of the series 😭
@carladunbarministries
@theintimacyfirm
@mrskevonstage
@sexoloigistshamyra
@askgoody
@theintimacyfirm
@theintimacyfirm
@theintimacyfirm