They want to stay friends because of the benefits and conveniences. You bring something of value to them. Or maybe they’re just bored and you’re something they can occupy their time with. But there’s no connection and they don’t care about you. They’re only in it for themselves. For whatever they can get out of it.
A narcissistic friend I know actually told me that I was a good source of entertainment and it was a game to him. How sad people like that are so selfish and inauthentic.
They also want to show off their new supply to you and witness your reaction to it. Narc I knew actually hired his ex-girlfriend to take photos for him and his new supply for his attempt at an influencer career. Another narc I'm unfortunately related to has 2 women he goes back and forth with when he's broke or homeless. He has kids with both and our family never knows which one he's with at any given time unless we hear from his daughter who has a different mother from either of them. It's sick.
Staying friends with a toxic person like a narc just gives them chance for a hoover and manipulations. Its an open door to swoop back in and come back stronger and more toxic.
The best compliment from a narcissist is when they don’t want you in their life. They know the gig is up, truth is out and they know you know. The silence is the ultimate ego killer to them!
💯I've been repeating this to myself all day, a very powerful reminder* alongside* "Anything they were willing to do to you in a relationship, they will be willing to do you in a friendship....so do you really want to be friends with this person?"
Yep. My mantra, about my Ns, is this: It's all about what THEY want. All their behavior, is about what they want. They have no room left for the needs of others.
This has happened to me every time. They enjoy playing with your heart and exerting dominance. They want to keep having power over you while putting less into the relationship. They want you as a backup partner in case they feel like it sometime in the future. Disgusting 🤮.
They don't love you, care about you or have your best interest in their heart. They only care about the love that you show them to fill that deep dark void inside of them
@Tarsarian I was going to say the same thing. Their only reason would be to build their ego and image back up that we still have them around, aren’t we lucky.
Take the label of 'difficult' from a narc as the ultimate compliment. It means they had to put some effort into manipulating you and using you, you didn't take it lying down.
Don't do it. He ruined my life. We dated for less than a year but we're "friends" for like 13 years. I was still trauma bonded. It literally nearly killed me. He was a covert. I didn't even know what was happening until a couple of years ago.
Totally get this. You’re in like a dream and you finally wake up to the hell they put you through. You change and grow. Why let them back in even as a friend??
I went through a very similar experience to yours. Years of "friendship" and trauma bonded. The pain of it was worse than the relationship itself. Which was horribly painful!
Yes. Let’s be friends… so they can know everything about your personal business. Collecting intel for the future. Control. And if you have a weak moment, this snake will be right there to slither back into your life and you’re back to square one. So caring. Close that door asap.
This is exactly why my ex was trying to stay "friends". I told him we haven't been friends for years why do you think I want to be friends now. I also said I needed space. He was not happy with me. Since then, I just keep getting stronger. He once tried to cold call me and wanted to "chat". He wanted to know about my dating life. I told him he did not need to know. Since then, he has been angry and oppositional. Parallel parenting is a must, doesn't work any other way unfortunately.
Meanwhile, all my narcissistic exes don’t want to stay friends with me because I’m too self-aware and don’t give them enough drama to keep them entertained.
That's definitely a good thing. My last narc wanted to remain friends and at first I said yes, then thought about what that would realistically look like like and what I have going on and realized it wasn't a good idea.
An ex who caused me severe pain and stress in my life suddenly sent me an Instagram friend request after not hearing from him for years. I thought it was super insensitive and entitled of him to do so after what happened between us. The relationship was traumatizing to me, it was very emotionally and psychologically unsafe. and I haven’t been in one since. He was so awful to me I was surprised he sent the request. I quickly deleted it. Not someone I trust nor want in my life. Grateful I am at a point in my life where I value my well being more. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I was married to a textbook narcissist for years.. I finally got away, rebuilt my life and am happily married now. Every once in a while I get a text message from my ex with random excuses to find out about me. I think he cannot wrap his head around the fact that I was the one who got away.. anyhow, my response is always the most cheerful, I am always doing exciting things and having a great time (because most of the time, I am…). I must admit it gives some degree of pleasure to see that HE is still stuck in his old ways while I moved on and found happiness. But it also amazes me that he keeps my number (and the idea that I care) after over a decade. These people are relentless….
@@FCUK- I guess it’s a sense of pride that makes me respond. I am SO over it… after years of suffering (and working on averting) the ill effects of a narcissistic relationship, I was truly lucky to recover, assert myself and find a partner worthy of the name. It was not easy but I am healed, and I am so proud of myself…. He cannot hurt me anymore.
@@FCUK-I agree. They are gathering any information they can and they can see that you’re trying to put up a front and that is supply to them. They think you’re trying to impress them.
@mos8896 yes any response to them is a win. They looooove to play the game. The best thing anyone can do is cut complete ties and ignore them! They will hate it. Sometimes saying nothing shows them exactly how well u are doing. They don't deserve to know ANYTHING.
You weren’t cherished, cared for and valued. Additionally you were betrayed and lied to, deceived and manipulated. I don’t want to be friends with anyone treating me the way the narcisists did. Thank you dr Ramani ❤ God bless you😊
To stay friends you have to BE friends, and if you've been in a relationship with a narcissist that is now broken up, I promise you they are NOT your friend. They've made your life hell. I've stayed friends with all the guys I've dated since my divorce, because they are good people and the reasons of us breaking up have nothing to do with narcissism.
Information. Narcs need a constant supply of information, of your "meta-data". They don't care about useful data to enrich their lives and others around them such as learning a skill. No, just the "meta-data". Where you are, who you spoke to, who so and so spoke to, what they ate, what you ate, etc, etc, etc
Facts! My ex narc has a “new supply” (ofc we overlapped…he tried to triangulate) yet is asking me about my love life, specifically the person he is most threatened by. 🗣️Leave me alone!
My ex husband didn't conduct real, meaningful relationships. He collected droves of acquaintances whom he didn't much care for because he trusted almost no one ,lied about nearly everything, and then complained he wasn't happy. I'm sorry I had to marry in order to discover he learned this awful behavior from the best teacher in his life--his mother. He wanted to remain "friends" with me as well, but I was so sick of his BS by then. I went no contact after threatening him with a restraining order. With friends like him, I'd need no enemies.
I think sometimes it can be a selfish way of assuaging their own guilt.....Like remaining friends with you "erases" or "minimizes" the terrible things they've done to you so they don't have to live with the person's justifiable anger toward them or the intrinsic guilt they feel but keep quiet about....In their mind if they can get you to be friends with them that kind of wipes the slate clean......They know that they treated you badly but they will never acknowledge it directly and apologize because they don't like addressing their own shortcomings and failures.......but they also don't like knowing that there are real examples of their faults on heir life record and looking at those failures is exceedingly painful to them because those failures serve as a constant reminder to them that the grandiose ideas they have about their own virtuous nature are in fact false......Lastly, I think that they want to stay friends because they believe that if they can get you to be their friend it will decrease the likelihood that you will do further damage to their reputation by talking about what they've done to you to others....In a sense, they are doing damage control.....It's kind of manipulative in my opinion.....
This is exactly it with the one I deal with. He's extremely insecure and terrified of being exposed for how he feels inside. He has moments of clarity where he tries to do something to heal whatever storm's inside him but he always goes back to his old ways.
Brilliant. They want continued access to you for a number of possible manipulative reasons. Know what these are. If they didn't care about you in the relationship, they're not going to care about you as a friend. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
Been there recently and uno reversed that. Tentatively stayed “friendly” for a few weeks thinking maybe there was a scrap of closure or even a hint of understanding that would be soothing to me. It all came to head at one point because I unemotionally referred to a time this person had physically threatened me. They couldn’t handle it, demanded I take it back, that it never happened, they went nuts with trying to control the narrative. Face to face I just calmly said they are welcome to think I’m lying, I’m making things up or I’m crazy. but for me, I will stick to my memories of the situation and that’s just how it will be. They resorted to demand demand demand. I just retorted, what are you gonna do? Break up with me? They threatened to leave and not come back and I welcomed them to do so. Life’s been amazing since.
Just after petitioning me for a divorce, my ex said - I hope we can stay friends. I didn't reply and just looked at her in a way that said - you have got to be joking. She got the message and didn't pursue it
He walked out the door 10 years ago. Apart from seeing him once for financial mediation and once at a friend's funeral I've never seen nor heard from him. He recently betrayed me by inviting my friends to my daughter's wedding and swearing them to secrecy, to which I wasn't invited and had no knowledge about apart from what I saw on social media. I'm not interested in seeing him again. I haven't seen or heard from my son for 6 years and my daughters for longer. And I reiterate, the breakup was because of religious abuse by 'church' leaders who hated and lied about me behind my back.
I'm the first one to say no to this. Anyone who has harmed me so intentionally and significantly is NO FRIEND. He has kept ALL the others close at hand and often told me they ALL begged him to take them back.
Yeah, that's just a front. He just HOPES all his exes still desire him- but I bet you, if you actually met them in person, and spoke to them- not a SINGLE one would want anything to do with him any longer.
I also think my ex reached out sending a friend request because he wanted to use me again. When I was with him I had to support him so much it was exhausting. He had little money, was an alcoholic going thru a tough divorce, could barely take care of himself, so I ended up feeling like his mother. Not a partnership. He also lied about his divorce, asked me to marry him then denied it, and cheated on me who knows how many times, then would gaslight/blame me, never really having my back with things like his ex wife raging at me. Totally felt uncomfortable, psychologically and emotionally unsafe. No interest in being his ‘friend’. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I had a similar experience. I hope you are healing and moving on. It's so hard at times, but once you do the work and process and release attachment, it feels so much better. All the best to you.
This is EXACTLY what happened to me! In the beginning, I thought it was the high road. The longer I was away from him and the more healed I became, the more disgusting I perceived him to be. Once, in an effort to “be friends,” I texted him pictures of an event. The only response I got was where are you, who are you with, and why are you with them? No mention of the event at all! I realized then nothing had changed, we weren’t friends, and we never were.
Supply, control and wanting to look like a good person. I am glad the first chat with my ex as 'friends' blew up and caused me to remove him from my life completely. I've been doing great since. Better to be alone than around toxic 'friends' any day.
I can thunk of nothing worse than staying friends with an Ex, especially a Narcissistic one. I wouldn't want to be hearing all about then and their new supply. It would not only be hurtful, but degrading and demoralising. An insult. I believe that once you split up, that should be it, unless you have children involved, in which case you keep contact to a minimum. 🍒
The narcissistic psychopath I am divorcing ~ I filed ~ wants to remain married “in name only”! How pathetically transparent. Thank God my attorney is also a close friend who herself divorced one of these monsters. Her reply, without hesitation; “My client is adamantly pursuing divorce.” The further out of my life this pretend human being gets ~ the more I am flourishing with those capable of reciprocal love and caring. Narcissists Be Gone! 🙏🏻
I always laughed when my ex said lets be friends... you treat me like garbage when i was in a r.s with you why would i want to be your friend !?!?!?! 3:45-3:55 SAY IT AGAIN❤
I know they have an ongoing need for supply, but also to show people they're not bad because they keep their exes around and constant attention, and then they can come back if they want/need to for more romance. They are yo-yos.
Remember, its not that you're special when they pop up again after weeks or years. They reach out to others like this as well and simultaneously when reaching out to you and/or with a partner as well. They always have others they swing back to just like you. You're always one of many. Not special in any way or the sole one, no matter what they tell you and the others. It's not flattering, but don't believe you're special or exclusive bc you'll be sorry.
They want to stay friends because it makes them look good in front of others. Definitely gives them control because they know what’s going on with you.
For me a good relationship starts with being friends but I cannot be friends with anyone who just wants to use me for their own gain. No contact is the only solution for me when it comes to people who just want to use me.
A childhood friend of mine, who was very promiscuous, once told me….”always have a backup plan.” This is why narcs want to be friends. It doesn’t matter the context or kind of relationship. They just want a contingency plan of some kind
That's why my narc ex partner went ballistic and tried to create trouble for me when I blocked him and went no contact. Oh well, he's not my problem any more 😀
This is spot on!! It took me a few years to realize my ex and his ex were best friends behind my back. To me he bashed her and couldn't stand her. But he portrayed to her they were best friends. I finally realized he was trying to control and manipulate her. She had 2 "baby daddy's" and he always wanted to be the best one in her eyes. She was his supply and he had control over her. She doesn't see it. That was one of many reasons our marriage didn't work. It took a year of therapy, reading, and learning to put all my confusion into perspective. The gaslighting and manipulation had me so confused I thought I was going crazy. I have learned so much from your channel. Thank you!
Be very careful if you stay friends with your ex, especially if you have kids together. I left because he cheated on me constantly and was irresponsible and I moved on and so did he. We stayed friends for the boys but as soon as I got serious about someone else...he became abusive again and used triangulation with friends and family and shady legal tactics to make my life hell. He also gave a sob story to my parents and worked them for money for years, even after he had gotten another woman pregnant.
This is an excellent topic I could never understand. After 38yrs of marriage, my now Ex made his exit after years of deceit. Yet, he continued to give me birthday and Xmas gifts. His cool, arrogance after all the psychological abuse, completely confused me!! I found peace by blocking him. Those gifts still remain unopened! Thank you Dr. Ramani for the explanation
My ex wants to stay friends just so he doesn't look like the bad guy. It's only for his public image. In his brain it shows that cheating on me right after I gave birth to our third baby wasn't a bad thing. I refuse to pretend he did nothing wrong and yet I don't want to be that person who refuses to play nice while we coparent so it's really hard. People have looked down on me for not being able to pretend to be ok with everything.
Thank you Dr Ramani. So true. My display model was never my friend during the marriage. Of course he tried his key and to dance in 3 weeks after he left. So sad, all locks were changed!
Dr Ramani nailed this one 100%.... My narcissist ex husband wants to talk when I get up(4am) my lunch when I'm at work, and keeps me on the phone when I get home..... I know it's so he can account for my every free minute and because of the trauma bond I have allowed it
Yes, they need as many backup sources of supply as possible because at any one point in time they are usually 'pissing off' a source and they need a 'fill-in' supply' to keep them topped up. If you pay close attention when you're with them as a 'friend' you can literally hear the desperation in their voice as they try to suck up to you.
Hey.. he didn't even want to stay friends with me when he discarded me. He wanted nothing to do with me and looked at me like I was some sort of bothersome bug. I was the one who kept saying, "Can we be friends." Literally begged on my knees. I feel embarrassed about begging now. He literally put my dignity under his feet, and smashed it well. I guess I wanted him more than he wanted me.
@jeremy19175 ya. That is what I found strange. I almost was like, huh? For a moment.. like I wanted to be alone, but he wanted to sit next to me, watched me.. scoffed and then said, "Are you done? I got to go."
@@phoenixrising4768 yeah he's got alot of issues why would you want to be in a relationship with such a condescending person when my toxic stepfather left while everyone else was heartbroken about it I said good riddance because why would I want a relationship with such a self centered person I am better off without people like that in my life
💯!!! I got to see this first hand where a very entitled, unemployed narcisst stayed "friends" with their ex so they could continue exploiting them and their goodwill.
The man I was seeing keeps saying to me it’s okay if you move on but when I stop having any contact with him he shows up at my place to say hi or texts me. He has no clinical diagnosis but I believe he is on the narcissistic spectrum.
Because they STILL want to manipulate you.If you turn them down, then they'll be your enemy -- maybe accuse you of something and force you to defend yourself in court. It's all the same to them. It's all about being the center of attention and making you dance to their tune. It only ends when somebody drops a house on them.
Thank you for bringing up this. It's spot on my ex-narc. He was all about lets stay friends and collueges. And I thought well maybe I can still work with him. But after I found out about him cheating on me, learning more about narcissists and saw who he truely is. I blocked him. Now he is back with his second ex-wife.....she is horrible as well. They deserve each other 🤑🤮 money and status, looking good and blah blah blah. Almost halfway through your book. It takes time to read. Because I take notes on every page 😅🙏❤️
They can also use a “close” relationship with an ex as a way to make their new partner feel insecure. That way they have leverage over the relationship right from the beginning
This is one of the quotes I'm sure I saw during the relationship with ex. Saw it again the other day. "The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley.
My most recent (and LAST) showed up yesterday (drunk) asking for money to buy a burro… Thank goodness I’m finally in a place where I just laughed at him and sent him on his way ~ Felt sooooo good 😁
There is always an angle with a narcissist. always no contact is the only way you can survive after you leave. Thank you so much for your channel, you have saved me, enlightened me, encouraged me. Very grateful.
Supply. They can circle back round. Use you when needed whilst working on the new supply. Deemed a good person to their children friends etc. Gives them knowledge of your life. Ultimately to keep you keep you shelf when other supplies figure them out.
Wow, this video was heaven-sent. Once my ex-narc sent it to me, saying she didn't understand why I didn't want to be friends with her. I felt weird about her asking that because I couldn't see a reason, considering so many bad and strange things had happened in that relationship, so there was no point. And whenever I tried to maintain the friendship, she would always take a break and then come back with hoovering and sometimes, even with some kind of 'lovebomb' (maybe?), like "you look so strong, gym it's working". Thanks Dr. Ramani, your content give some relief for us.
At the end …… my narcissistic ex wife and I were discussing our futures knowing we were going our separate ways. She suggested that she would still like to “ come over for sleepovers “. I hid my shocked reaction to her statement. I basically calmly and quietly agreed ( I was lying and in no way wanted that to ever happen )
Watching this happen, also was in the company of somebody who the narc got to and all I kept thinking there are two sides and she really isn't the victim
My narc ex said if you keep cutting off all the people that trigger you, you’ll left with no one…that’s not how society works… n I was like, at least I’ll be at peace..with a few good people around. Cause we, the healthy people, are not looking for using people when we need..we genuinely want to be friends and help each other grow…
Why do they want to stay friends? Because they can then pretend to themselves they're good people.
good point!!!
Yes so they can continue to mirror the good in you to fool others and look good And hide the dark side of themselves
Yes!!
They will never let you go, even when you move on to a new relationship.
& in front of the others. In the eyes of the others.
They want to stay friends because of the benefits and conveniences. You bring something of value to them. Or maybe they’re just bored and you’re something they can occupy their time with. But there’s no connection and they don’t care about you. They’re only in it for themselves. For whatever they can get out of it.
So in other words because they're bored so they look at you like a toy they just want someone they can occupy their time with and play with
💯 👏 ❤
A narcissistic friend I know actually told me that I was a good source of entertainment and it was a game to him. How sad people like that are so selfish and inauthentic.
@@lynettecaballero1660 that's also a very condescending thing to say I mean he basically admit that he finds humor in the misfortunes of others
They also want to show off their new supply to you and witness your reaction to it. Narc I knew actually hired his ex-girlfriend to take photos for him and his new supply for his attempt at an influencer career. Another narc I'm unfortunately related to has 2 women he goes back and forth with when he's broke or homeless. He has kids with both and our family never knows which one he's with at any given time unless we hear from his daughter who has a different mother from either of them. It's sick.
Staying friends with a toxic person like a narc just gives them chance for a hoover and manipulations. Its an open door to swoop back in and come back stronger and more toxic.
Literally the exact reason why I’m not friends with or keep in any contact whatsoever with my ex narcs. They are banished forever!
Yes, I made that mistake with my ex. Took me 2 years to understand !
The best compliment from a narcissist is when they don’t want you in their life. They know the gig is up, truth is out and they know you know. The silence is the ultimate ego killer to them!
You got it !! ✊🏼
They don't like losing possessions and they want to control you even after you're gone
Hardcore fact: A fiend can never be your friend.
Wow
Hardcore fact ! Indeed!!!
Dyslexics untie!
Well said 👏
❤
"You weren't cherished, valued, or cared for then. So why would they cherish, value, or care for you now?"
Words to remember.
💯I've been repeating this to myself all day, a very powerful reminder* alongside* "Anything they were willing to do to you in a relationship, they will be willing to do you in a friendship....so do you really want to be friends with this person?"
@@ktbiwk Thanks for commenting. I needed to re-read this post. Too much is going on, and it feels like there's no one to turn to.
Yep. My mantra, about my Ns, is this: It's all about what THEY want. All their behavior, is about what they want. They have no room left for the needs of others.
@@ktbiwkSame for me
I blocked my ex narc and gave him the silent treatment. I now have peace. He can’t use me anymore.
They wanna use you to make someone else jealous and probably also to continue speaking bad about you, saying it's you that can't let go.
This
This has happened to me every time. They enjoy playing with your heart and exerting dominance. They want to keep having power over you while putting less into the relationship. They want you as a backup partner in case they feel like it sometime in the future. Disgusting 🤮.
Exactly
Friendship doesn't mean the same thing to them that it means to you.
They don't love you, care about you or have your best interest in their heart. They only care about the love that you show them to fill that deep dark void inside of them
So very true
They need to keep a backup supply and show others that they are a amazing person while they monitor you.
@Tarsarian I was going to say the same thing. Their only reason would be to build their ego and image back up that we still have them around, aren’t we lucky.
They get a thrill out of preying on as many people as possible. Quantity is more important to them than quality in terms of supply.
My nex literally said to me in front of the relationship counselor, "If we breakup then I'll date a bunch of people! Abundance mentality!"
Dont forget another reason:
To make the new supply jealous/insecure
Definitely!
Exactly
They feed off of your pain. For a normal loving person, this one aspect alone is so odd it's hard to believe. Which is what led to my denial.
Yes! I will not allow my ex narc to use me for triangulation with a new supply.
Totally true! A form of triangulation
Take the label of 'difficult' from a narc as the ultimate compliment. It means they had to put some effort into manipulating you and using you, you didn't take it lying down.
❤ these sentences.... Yes !
Omg this is so funny. I used to always get called that by him. This does make me feel better so thanks :D
They don’t want to burn bridges, so they can pick up again when they’ve no one else.
The desire to stay friends, in their mind, neutralizes the full effect of their offensiveness.
Don't do it. He ruined my life. We dated for less than a year but we're "friends" for like 13 years. I was still trauma bonded. It literally nearly killed me. He was a covert. I didn't even know what was happening until a couple of years ago.
Totally get this. You’re in like a dream and you finally wake up to the hell they put you through. You change and grow. Why let them back in even as a friend??
Same
I went through a very similar experience to yours. Years of "friendship" and trauma bonded. The pain of it was worse than the relationship itself. Which was horribly painful!
Covert narcs are the worst 😭😭
Yes. Let’s be friends… so they can know everything about your personal business. Collecting intel for the future. Control. And if you have a weak moment, this snake will be right there to slither back into your life and you’re back to square one. So caring. Close that door asap.
Right..I've stopped it from the jump
This is exactly why my ex was trying to stay "friends". I told him we haven't been friends for years why do you think I want to be friends now. I also said I needed space. He was not happy with me. Since then, I just keep getting stronger.
He once tried to cold call me and wanted to "chat". He wanted to know about my dating life. I told him he did not need to know. Since then, he has been angry and oppositional. Parallel parenting is a must, doesn't work any other way unfortunately.
Someone I know has had her life totally destroyed by a narc... until she makes the final break she will never be free.. its so very sad 😔
If narcissists had the qualities required for a friendship then we would still be together with them in a relationship.
So true! 👏
Exactly!
Meanwhile, all my narcissistic exes don’t want to stay friends with me because I’m too self-aware and don’t give them enough drama to keep them entertained.
That's definitely a good thing. My last narc wanted to remain friends and at first I said yes, then thought about what that would realistically look like like and what I have going on and realized it wasn't a good idea.
This kept me entangled two extra years. No contact was the only way to free me. 💜
Power and control. Don’t want you with anyone even though they dont want to be. They like to recycle their supply.
An ex who caused me severe pain and stress in my life suddenly sent me an Instagram friend request after not hearing from him for years. I thought it was super insensitive and entitled of him to do so after what happened between us. The relationship was traumatizing to me, it was very emotionally and psychologically unsafe. and I haven’t been in one since. He was so awful to me I was surprised he sent the request. I quickly deleted it. Not someone I trust nor want in my life. Grateful I am at a point in my life where I value my well being more. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Just leave them. It has nothing to do with them caring about you. Just know that, and leave them for good.
I was married to a textbook narcissist for years.. I finally got away, rebuilt my life and am happily married now. Every once in a while I get a text message from my ex with random excuses to find out about me. I think he cannot wrap his head around the fact that I was the one who got away.. anyhow, my response is always the most cheerful, I am always doing exciting things and having a great time (because most of the time, I am…). I must admit it gives some degree of pleasure to see that HE is still stuck in his old ways while I moved on and found happiness. But it also amazes me that he keeps my number (and the idea that I care) after over a decade. These people are relentless….
I wouldn't even respond tbh
@@FCUK- I guess it’s a sense of pride that makes me respond. I am SO over it… after years of suffering (and working on averting) the ill effects of a narcissistic relationship, I was truly lucky to recover, assert myself and find a partner worthy of the name. It was not easy but I am healed, and I am so proud of myself…. He cannot hurt me anymore.
@@FCUK-I agree. They are gathering any information they can and they can see that you’re trying to put up a front and that is supply to them. They think you’re trying to impress them.
@@mos8896 you and Fcuk have a point…
@mos8896 yes any response to them is a win. They looooove to play the game. The best thing anyone can do is cut complete ties and ignore them! They will hate it. Sometimes saying nothing shows them exactly how well u are doing. They don't deserve to know ANYTHING.
Needs more supply and loves being able to have a sense of control
You weren’t cherished, cared for and valued. Additionally you were betrayed and lied to, deceived and manipulated. I don’t want to be friends with anyone treating me the way the narcisists did. Thank you dr Ramani ❤ God bless you😊
It couldn't be said better😂
To stay friends you have to BE friends, and if you've been in a relationship with a narcissist that is now broken up, I promise you they are NOT your friend. They've made your life hell. I've stayed friends with all the guys I've dated since my divorce, because they are good people and the reasons of us breaking up have nothing to do with narcissism.
You might be the narcissist if you’ve stayed friends with all those exes 😂
Information. Narcs need a constant supply of information, of your "meta-data". They don't care about useful data to enrich their lives and others around them such as learning a skill. No, just the "meta-data". Where you are, who you spoke to, who so and so spoke to, what they ate, what you ate, etc, etc, etc
Facts! My ex narc has a “new supply” (ofc we overlapped…he tried to triangulate) yet is asking me about my love life, specifically the person he is most threatened by. 🗣️Leave me alone!
well said brother
My ex husband didn't conduct real, meaningful relationships. He collected droves of acquaintances whom he didn't much care for because he trusted almost no one ,lied about nearly everything, and then complained he wasn't happy. I'm sorry I had to marry in order to discover he learned this awful behavior from the best teacher in his life--his mother.
He wanted to remain "friends" with me as well, but I was so sick of his BS by then. I went no contact after threatening him with a restraining order. With friends like him, I'd need no enemies.
I think sometimes it can be a selfish way of assuaging their own guilt.....Like remaining friends with you "erases" or "minimizes" the terrible things they've done to you so they don't have to live with the person's justifiable anger toward them or the intrinsic guilt they feel but keep quiet about....In their mind if they can get you to be friends with them that kind of wipes the slate clean......They know that they treated you badly but they will never acknowledge it directly and apologize because they don't like addressing their own shortcomings and failures.......but they also don't like knowing that there are real examples of their faults on heir life record and looking at those failures is exceedingly painful to them because those failures serve as a constant reminder to them that the grandiose ideas they have about their own virtuous nature are in fact false......Lastly, I think that they want to stay friends because they believe that if they can get you to be their friend it will decrease the likelihood that you will do further damage to their reputation by talking about what they've done to you to others....In a sense, they are doing damage control.....It's kind of manipulative in my opinion.....
Very well said.❤
This is exactly it with the one I deal with. He's extremely insecure and terrified of being exposed for how he feels inside. He has moments of clarity where he tries to do something to heal whatever storm's inside him but he always goes back to his old ways.
Never the door is shut and welded
Optics and Control! Keeps trying to get me to do something against my will and I am standing strong!
Brilliant. They want continued access to you for a number of possible manipulative reasons. Know what these are. If they didn't care about you in the relationship, they're not going to care about you as a friend. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
Been there recently and uno reversed that. Tentatively stayed “friendly” for a few weeks thinking maybe there was a scrap of closure or even a hint of understanding that would be soothing to me. It all came to head at one point because I unemotionally referred to a time this person had physically threatened me. They couldn’t handle it, demanded I take it back, that it never happened, they went nuts with trying to control the narrative. Face to face I just calmly said they are welcome to think I’m lying, I’m making things up or I’m crazy. but for me, I will stick to my memories of the situation and that’s just how it will be. They resorted to demand demand demand. I just retorted, what are you gonna do? Break up with me? They threatened to leave and not come back and I welcomed them to do so. Life’s been amazing since.
Just after petitioning me for a divorce, my ex said - I hope we can stay friends. I didn't reply and just looked at her in a way that said - you have got to be joking. She got the message and didn't pursue it
He walked out the door 10 years ago. Apart from seeing him once for financial mediation and once at a friend's funeral I've never seen nor heard from him. He recently betrayed me by inviting my friends to my daughter's wedding and swearing them to secrecy, to which I wasn't invited and had no knowledge about apart from what I saw on social media. I'm not interested in seeing him again. I haven't seen or heard from my son for 6 years and my daughters for longer. And I reiterate, the breakup was because of religious abuse by 'church' leaders who hated and lied about me behind my back.
He has so many exes as friends. 😣 Not this one, though. I refuse.
I'm the first one to say no to this. Anyone who has harmed me so intentionally and significantly is NO FRIEND. He has kept ALL the others close at hand and often told me they ALL begged him to take them back.
Yeah, that's just a front. He just HOPES all his exes still desire him- but I bet you, if you actually met them in person, and spoke to them- not a SINGLE one would want anything to do with him any longer.
As my daughter says,the goal is always moving! After 40yts,he divorced me!!!!!!
Just like you wouldn't eat poison just because you are hungry, loneliness shouldn't be a reason to return to a previous toxic relationship.
I also think my ex reached out sending a friend request because he wanted to use me again. When I was with him I had to support him so much it was exhausting. He had little money, was an alcoholic going thru a tough divorce, could barely take care of himself, so I ended up feeling like his mother. Not a partnership. He also lied about his divorce, asked me to marry him then denied it, and cheated on me who knows how many times, then would gaslight/blame me, never really having my back with things like his ex wife raging at me. Totally felt uncomfortable, psychologically and emotionally unsafe. No interest in being his ‘friend’. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I had a similar experience. I hope you are healing and moving on. It's so hard at times, but once you do the work and process and release attachment, it feels so much better. All the best to you.
Yes! Old supply is always better than 10 new ones
Excellent and much needed message. It seems like a person shows more esteem by saying no to this. Not obligated and shouldn't be manipulated into it.
This is EXACTLY what happened to me! In the beginning, I thought it was the high road. The longer I was away from him and the more healed I became, the more disgusting I perceived him to be.
Once, in an effort to “be friends,” I texted him pictures of an event. The only response I got was where are you, who are you with, and why are you with them? No mention of the event at all! I realized then nothing had changed, we weren’t friends, and we never were.
Supply, control and wanting to look like a good person. I am glad the first chat with my ex as 'friends' blew up and caused me to remove him from my life completely. I've been doing great since. Better to be alone than around toxic 'friends' any day.
That's my ex
It's very helpful
Thank you, doctor Ramani
If you get away they think of you like an escaped slave.
Control control. And ready supply. Its not personal. Theyll do it to anyone who allows it.
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose".
~JIM ELLIOTT~
In the end you're not taking anything with you.
They call their exes "crazy" when they aren't. They stay friends behind your back and cheat or triangulate with.
She called me her best and most successful project. I don't even know how to comprehend it.
I can thunk of nothing worse than staying friends with an Ex, especially a Narcissistic one. I wouldn't want to be hearing all about then and their new supply. It would not only be hurtful, but degrading and demoralising. An insult. I believe that once you split up, that should be it, unless you have children involved, in which case you keep contact to a minimum. 🍒
“It’s an entire net, frankly”😂
The narcissistic psychopath I am divorcing ~ I filed ~ wants to remain married “in name only”! How pathetically transparent. Thank God my attorney is also a close friend who herself divorced one of these monsters. Her reply, without hesitation; “My client is adamantly pursuing divorce.”
The further out of my life this pretend human being gets ~ the more I am flourishing with those capable of reciprocal love and caring.
Narcissists Be Gone! 🙏🏻
I always laughed when my ex said lets be friends... you treat me like garbage when i was in a r.s with you why would i want to be your friend !?!?!?! 3:45-3:55 SAY IT AGAIN❤
I know they have an ongoing need for supply, but also to show people they're not bad because they keep their exes around and constant attention, and then they can come back if they want/need to for more romance. They are yo-yos.
Remember, its not that you're special when they pop up again after weeks or years. They reach out to others like this as well and simultaneously when reaching out to you and/or with a partner as well.
They always have others they swing back to just like you. You're always one of many. Not special in any way or the sole one, no matter what they tell you and the others. It's not flattering, but don't believe you're special or exclusive bc you'll be sorry.
They want to stay friends because it makes them look good in front of others. Definitely gives them control because they know what’s going on with you.
Dr. Ram, thank you so much for your work. Helping those of us cover our blind spots is invaluable!
For me a good relationship starts with being friends but I cannot be friends with anyone who just wants to use me for their own gain. No contact is the only solution for me when it comes to people who just want to use me.
A childhood friend of mine, who was very promiscuous, once told me….”always have a backup plan.”
This is why narcs want to be friends. It doesn’t matter the context or kind of relationship. They just want a contingency plan of some kind
That's why my narc ex partner went ballistic and tried to create trouble for me when I blocked him and went no contact. Oh well, he's not my problem any more 😀
This is spot on!! It took me a few years to realize my ex and his ex were best friends behind my back. To me he bashed her and couldn't stand her. But he portrayed to her they were best friends. I finally realized he was trying to control and manipulate her. She had 2 "baby daddy's" and he always wanted to be the best one in her eyes. She was his supply and he had control over her. She doesn't see it. That was one of many reasons our marriage didn't work. It took a year of therapy, reading, and learning to put all my confusion into perspective. The gaslighting and manipulation had me so confused I thought I was going crazy. I have learned so much from your channel. Thank you!
Be very careful if you stay friends with your ex, especially if you have kids together. I left because he cheated on me constantly and was irresponsible and I moved on and so did he. We stayed friends for the boys but as soon as I got serious about someone else...he became abusive again and used triangulation with friends and family and shady legal tactics to make my life hell. He also gave a sob story to my parents and worked them for money for years, even after he had gotten another woman pregnant.
This is an excellent topic I could never understand. After 38yrs of marriage, my now Ex made his exit after years of deceit. Yet, he continued to give me birthday and Xmas gifts. His cool, arrogance after all the psychological abuse, completely confused me!! I found peace by blocking him. Those gifts still remain unopened! Thank you Dr. Ramani for the explanation
My ex wants to stay friends just so he doesn't look like the bad guy. It's only for his public image. In his brain it shows that cheating on me right after I gave birth to our third baby wasn't a bad thing. I refuse to pretend he did nothing wrong and yet I don't want to be that person who refuses to play nice while we coparent so it's really hard. People have looked down on me for not being able to pretend to be ok with everything.
Friend? 😀 My narc ex views me as mortal enemy because i wanted joint custody for our son.
My ex married and had a kid with another woman and used our children to try to connect with me. I’ve been no contact for almost 20 years now
Ohhh that sucks
Because they have no other friends!
Thank you Dr Ramani. So true. My display model was never my friend during the marriage. Of course he tried his key and to dance in 3 weeks after he left. So sad, all locks were changed!
Also, they don't feel that you have a right to decide to bow out completely.
Dr Ramani nailed this one 100%.... My narcissist ex husband wants to talk when I get up(4am) my lunch when I'm at work, and keeps me on the phone when I get home..... I know it's so he can account for my every free minute and because of the trauma bond I have allowed it
💯 they love to seem evolved!!! (ie better than everyone else)
Yes, they need as many backup sources of supply as possible because at any one point in time they are usually 'pissing off' a source and they need a 'fill-in' supply' to keep them topped up. If you pay close attention when you're with them as a 'friend' you can literally hear the desperation in their voice as they try to suck up to you.
And my ex narcissist offered NOTHING in return I'm done with her.
Hey.. he didn't even want to stay friends with me when he discarded me. He wanted nothing to do with me and looked at me like
I was some sort of bothersome bug. I was the one who kept saying, "Can we be friends." Literally begged on my knees. I feel embarrassed about begging now. He literally put my dignity under his feet, and smashed it well. I guess I wanted him more than he wanted me.
So in other words he watched you and even enjoyed seeing you grovel that's sick
@jeremy19175 ya. That is what I found strange. I almost was like, huh? For a moment.. like I wanted to be alone, but he wanted to sit next to me, watched me.. scoffed and then said, "Are you done? I got to go."
@@phoenixrising4768 yeah he's got alot of issues why would you want to be in a relationship with such a condescending person when my toxic stepfather left while everyone else was heartbroken about it I said good riddance because why would I want a relationship with such a self centered person I am better off without people like that in my life
@@phoenixrising4768get that phoenix rising thing going!
head up onward.
💯!!!
I got to see this first hand where a very entitled, unemployed narcisst stayed "friends" with their ex so they could continue exploiting them and their goodwill.
The man I was seeing keeps saying to me it’s okay if you move on but when I stop having any contact with him he shows up at my place to say hi or texts me. He has no clinical diagnosis but I believe he is on the narcissistic spectrum.
Because they STILL want to manipulate you.If you turn them down, then they'll be your enemy -- maybe accuse you of something and force you to defend yourself in court. It's all the same to them. It's all about being the center of attention and making you dance to their tune. It only ends when somebody drops a house on them.
I will no longer supply what my X narc abuser need.I left for a reason,why...how...can i be friends with Satan ?
Thank you for bringing up this. It's spot on my ex-narc. He was all about lets stay friends and collueges. And I thought well maybe I can still work with him. But after I found out about him cheating on me, learning more about narcissists and saw who he truely is. I blocked him. Now he is back with his second ex-wife.....she is horrible as well. They deserve each other 🤑🤮 money and status, looking good and blah blah blah.
Almost halfway through your book. It takes time to read. Because I take notes on every page 😅🙏❤️
They can also use a “close” relationship with an ex as a way to make their new partner feel insecure. That way they have leverage over the relationship right from the beginning
Thanks for speaking on this subject today. I appreciate you DR Ramani
This is one of the quotes I'm sure I saw during the relationship with ex. Saw it again the other day. "The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley.
This is so helpful Dr. Ramani. Wishing you all the best and appreciation. 💜💜
My most recent (and LAST) showed up yesterday (drunk) asking for money to buy a burro…
Thank goodness I’m finally in a place where I just laughed at him and sent him on his way ~
Felt sooooo good 😁
They never want to be my friend lol. boundary phobia gets in the way.
I'm disgarding you but let's be friends....All they want is a no fuss disgard...as soon as you're out of sight you're forgotten..
There is always an angle with a narcissist. always no contact is the only way you can survive after you leave. Thank you so much for your channel, you have saved me, enlightened me, encouraged me. Very grateful.
You look so beautiful 🥰🥰 really good video thank you
Supply.
They can circle back round. Use you when needed whilst working on the new supply.
Deemed a good person to their children friends etc. Gives them knowledge of your life. Ultimately to keep you keep you shelf when other supplies figure them out.
Wow, this video was heaven-sent. Once my ex-narc sent it to me, saying she didn't understand why I didn't want to be friends with her. I felt weird about her asking that because I couldn't see a reason, considering so many bad and strange things had happened in that relationship, so there was no point. And whenever I tried to maintain the friendship, she would always take a break and then come back with hoovering and sometimes, even with some kind of 'lovebomb' (maybe?), like "you look so strong, gym it's working".
Thanks Dr. Ramani, your content give some relief for us.
I love this kind of vid. Straight to the point (not that ur other vids are) and short.
At the end …… my narcissistic ex wife and I were discussing our futures knowing we were going our separate ways. She suggested that she would still like to “ come over for sleepovers “. I hid my shocked reaction to her statement. I basically calmly and quietly agreed ( I was lying and in no way wanted that to ever happen )
So true!!!! Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
Watching this happen, also was in the company of somebody who the narc got to and all I kept thinking there are two sides and she really isn't the victim
My narc ex said if you keep cutting off all the people that trigger you, you’ll left with no one…that’s not how society works… n I was like, at least I’ll be at peace..with a few good people around. Cause we, the healthy people, are not looking for using people when we need..we genuinely want to be friends and help each other grow…