Precisely. I had a horrid friend who I left due to it being "no fun" (abusive) any more, & she agreed - because I was hopeless at faking non stop admiration.
Ooof- ‘forget what you feel’ hit me because it reminded me of something a therapist told me after not being able to get over my ex-narcissistic & abusive husband for years. She wanted me to imagine my narc in a coffin, dead. I was having a hard time getting past things and somehow her impetus to imagine him in this state helped me to visualize the relationship as toxic & dead. Words and visualization are so important in our healing!
Exactly, I was so confused why if he loved me, why he still kept his old girl friend in his life . Then later, he found a coworker and " they had so much in common", and as he explained what ,it was exactly what we had had. He tried to discard me for her, but unfortunately I was given bad advice and I stayed. So the next almost 2 decades was hard and he was playing games on the computer, watching corn etc.. then he found a new supply, a married girl his daughters age, and tried to get me to help him groom her...( ie teach her to cook) he would go to her face book and make comments on her pictures, explaining she needed affirmation.. ( and I didn't?) Then, he got angry at me when saw the same pattern and refused to go along. It ended when he knocked me out after accusing me of what he was doing, then covered it up by blaming me. But I left. Unfortunately he had been lying about me to our girls, calling me the monster, etc etc. So, no one believed me. He had to make me leave, because he would not. Unfortunately now, he has our vulnerable middle daughter and her 11 yo daughter living with him. Her husband is a drug user and a narc also..but he can't help her ditch him, because he needs her broken too. .
Yeh. Tired of her guff luvbombing, I said ‘I guess you don’t need me anymore’ ( her kids did!) so she fired my. 6 weeks without income was worth it… except poor kids! I think I shamed her after that… that ‘s what did it.
Doctor Ramani isn't aware of where our abilities are at within the arts of physics because ethics are so abusively maintained in the American and international systems from gloating over choice understanding recess intercourse is wonderfully inviting
When he broke up with me I literally did the "Tiger Woods' Fist Pump". I was so excited when he said that he had to break up that I did not tarry a moment longer.The Peace that I have experienced since then has been more wonderful than I could have imagined.
This has a lot to do with mine too. As soon as I caught on and pushed back he was out within a year (after a 15 year relationship) ....this and he wanted his life free from me and children for whatever came next.
Great video! Sadly, my two-year relationship ended a month ago. The person I thought was the love of my life decided to leave, and I’m still deeply in love with him. I can’t stop thinking about him, and despite all my efforts to win him back, nothing has worked. I feel so frustrated and can’t imagine being with anyone else. No matter what I do, he’s always on my mind, and I miss him terribly.
Letting go of someone you love is incredibly hard. I went through a similar experience when my twelve-year relationship ended. I couldn't bear to lose him, so I did everything I could to rekindle our relationship. Eventually, I sought the help of a spiritual counselor, who guided us back together.
WARNING!!! THIS IS FAKE!!! They change the words around a little, but this same comment is posted on a lot of other videos under different users. It's so so obvious if you read the back and forth replies. It's an advertisement. Don't fall for it. No one can make someone come back to you.
I needed this so bad!!! He broke up WITH ME after he abused me for 2 years, and is now playing the victim just because we got into an argument that I “started” so that was his get out free card to blame everything on me! So mind Fing.
Ooh it’s the same here! She became cold after 2 years of hot relationship! When I confronted her she blocked me everywhere! It has been almost 3 weeks now! No contact from her side
After a more than a decade of having the life sucked out of me, I became difficult because I couldn't keep up with the demands and not having any help or support from him. He'd threatened to divorce me multiple times those last few years, and the final time he said it, I agreed because I was tired of him being such a garbage person and my life going literally nowhere because I had given him all my power. There was nothing left for him to crush or destroy because he'd smashed it all. I was discarded. A younger woman replaced me, a coworker that he conveniently never told me about though they'd worked together for a few years at that point. He remarried less than a year after our divorce was finalized. Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs a place to live. My life isn't great, but it's mine. After three years of trying to get my health back in order, going to counseling, and figuring out who I am and what I want to do, I may be on the road to contentment. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Hang in there, survivors. Internet fist bumps to all of you. You'll get through it if you keep going.
Right there with you. He told me to get out on NYE. I said no. I had $699 to my name because he had cut me off. We were together 16 years. I’m broke and living in a new way. But I’m happy. No bad mornings. Since 3/14/24. Now the divorce. That’s the hardest part.
I feel your exhaustion, and also your deternination, in the effort to reclaim health and vitality after having been duped, drained, betrayed and DARVO'd. The social injustice of it all sucks. I'm 15 months out, no contact for year, made it through the wedding anniversary yesterday. Still exhausted and yes, it's hard, with so many responsibilities. But YES, it's my own life. My choices. I'm nurturing myself. I'm grateful for the good people who are here in this forum, who understand. Stay strong, Sister ❤ 🙏🏻🌸
Thank you so much for your story! It's almost identical to mine. He was constantly asking for a divorce when I thought everything was fine. I finally agreed, as i was worn down. Within a few WEEKS, he had flown to Oregon (from California), found another job, packed his stuff in A Uhaul and left. That was 2 months ago. Still trying to make sense of it all. He stopped talking to me after two weeks of being there. No doubt, he has 'new supply'. ( I was his new supply when he left his first wife.. .so stupid...) I'm finding solace in findng others in similar situations, and inspiring videos... it's still really hard, recovering from it though. We were together 10 years and I feel like I've wasted a big chunk of my life. Day at a time....
The new supply!!! He had turned 75 and found a 48 year old woman online. During the pandemic they had a big romance and affair. He became cocky and sadistic to me and wouldn't tell me why. Finally he admitted his betrayal and I didn't hesitate. I got a divorce and left him and everything. He's married to her now and looks like an old man. I know what life with him was like so new supply deserves him! 😂 I'm really happy to be free of the abuse. Thanks again Dr. RAMANI ❤
I was broken 💔 for several years because of this happening to me. He even divorced me for a DOWNGRADE, then he died at 35yo, 7 months later 🤷♀️ GO figure.
Although my husband of 23 years discarded me, I feel that I was actually the one to end the relationship because I would no longer put up with his abuse and I gave him an ultimatum. He chose abuse, and simultaneously discarded me. Took some time to get back on my feet because he kept the house and most of the stuff in it (threatened to bankrupt me in court by dragging it out) but I'm still much better off without him (PS He tried to replace me multiple times but none of his new relationships actually stuck).
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
Those last 30 seconds of the video -- breaking up with us the GREATEST thing they will do (for us). Took me four years after discard, but I realize the toxicity I had learned to live in. My life now is fulfilled, peaceful, meaningful with no nonsense. Hang in there if you're having trouble.
I had a friend who complained a lot about her very disrespectful sister, mother and boyfriend- then when I wasn't agreeing enough with her views, her disrespect of me came out in full force. I was relieved to get an opportunity to get out of the friendship, but had wanted it to be a pleasant "let's have a bit more distance due to we have different values".
My mom has become like that.. And has no self pride or self dignity nor integrity and authenticity and shamelessly sides with the narcissist in the family even after knowing she has abused me and others in the family. She is also a lower spectrum and hence a biggest enabler of the narcissist who harms others in the family.
JADE technique - don't justify, don't argue, don't defend, don't engage/explain. When I told my narc mom I was engaged, she's one of those money-/status-obsessed narcs, so she lied to me and to everyone that my fiancee doesn't have an income, will never make an income, is a gold-digger (projection of her lifelong behavior), and I'm financially ruined. She knows nothing about her or either of our finances. I said nothing. You have to just not care and stay away from them. Give them zero information about anything. Don't react to them. Don't personalize their behavior. They're sick.
Sounds about right. Although I'm curious how doing nothing to stand up for the one you love while allowing your silence to support Mom's point of view works out.
@@madge2114 Pushing back is exhausting and a waste of time (Brandolini's law) and invites more condescension, gaslighting, invalidation, baiting, the usual playbook. Narcs love emotional reactions and drama because they get off on the control element and can use it to gossip and lie that there's something wrong with you. It was more of a wake-up call that they weaponize all personal information and not give them anything. They'll spin anything. If someone is working hard at their job, they'll gossip/lie that they're greedy, selfish, barely talk to their family, and only care about money. You can't win.
When he stopped giving me intimacy, I did stop doing any kind of favors he asked me to do. No way. I pushed back, and he didn't like it. This was within the last 6 months before discard.
"Them breaking up with YOU is perhaps the greatest gift and compliment they could have given you." This healed my heart as soon as I heard you say it. 💗 Thank You.
Mine broke up with me cause I confronted them about a lie. I remembered I cried and pleaded for her to stay and promised I would let her do what she wanted. She looked me dead in the face and told me she will cheat on me again, and that was a promise. That moment all my feelings died… cause she had been cheating and I took her back and wanted to fix it. I went to therapy and tried to move past the cheating. I really thank the higher power for actually let her tell the truth that day. I was free at that moment.
My nex hated me educating myself and standing up to him. The abuse got worse. Then I think he wanted to leave but wanted to be able to claim "she kicked me out" victim badge so started a ridiculous argument that blew up and I finally asked him to leave (for real, as I'd done it half heartedly before)
Sounds very familiar 😅 They want things, but want to be able to say it's on you and possibly even play the victim. They can use that "victim" mindset to get pity and compassion from other/new people as a way of "bonding" or coming across as saints. My supply for my ex was my body/s*x, she'll never admit it like that straight faced, but she'd half-joke about it throughout the year we were together. (Also noticeable because she'd change in mood right afterwards, going from sweet to stale more often than not) She'd invite me for s*x under the guise of watching a series/movie, get frustrated for me not instigating cause I'm supposed to be a man (even though she might have said she doesn't want s*x that day) or would get frustrated for me instigating the time after she got frustrated for me NOT instigating, saying she'd feel used (even when she'd say she wanted me to come over for s*x). Yes, it's very wishy-washy all of the time... She'd always try to put words in my mouth: You want s*x right? Or even add: That's all I am for you right? (Projecting -.-) She didn't want to be honest and have it come back to her as "All I was for you was supply/s*x", but she'd still want the benefits. It became a game to her, yet a frustrating game, cause I'm not letting her put those words in my mouth. It frustrates her cause she doesn't want the stamp of using me for s*x, wants to be able to say I used her for that instead. She tried to get me to say I just want her body in many many many different ways over the year we were together, mostly half-jokes. So if I'd go along with it even just once, she could say I used her, I was the wrong one, she is the victim, yadayada. (Which would be easily believed as I'm a guy) But... Even though I'm a guy and this is hard to believe; It was never about s*x for me... (Don't get me wrong, as a [hu]man I too love s*x ofcourse, but it wasn't my focus) I truly loved her and her 4 kids... Who I never got say goodbye to... 😞 It is very sad and emotionally draining to find out that the person you thought you had a deeper connection with, was way more busy with trying to control (future) situations or outcomes regardless of how they impact you at the time or in the future, and that you're just supply they want to control and even use in a certain way. To see frustration cause she can't manipulate you in digging your own grave... (We're colleagues too, to this day btw... I'm glad I never fell for her tricks, cause she'd be able to claim I used her and that would be a social death at work for me.... I'm still leaving there as soon as I can though, dw! And yes it is rough to have a narc ex at work, especially if you share common friends who don't know or wouldn't be able to understand...) It's sad I realized very late, grew up with a borderline/vulnerable narc dad who eventually married a malignant narc, so for me stuff like this was fed to me since I was young and I was traumabonded from the start... For what it's worth, I'm glad I have that ex, she made me realize a lot about myself and my past and I finally opened up my eyes to narcissism. (Was 32 by that time, so yea quite late, but better late than never!) It was meant to be and I shan't regret it. Sorry for the long story... Wanted to agree and give a small example, but ended up traumadumping in a way... Hopefully someone will read this and it somehow helps them in some way... Also, didn't write this for pity, so please don't pity me. This experience made me wiser and stronger, and it helped me clearly see my past and my trauma's, so it was more than worth it 🙂👍 That said: I still don't recommend this to anyone... 😅 I'm just trying to make the best of a bad situation, so I try to view it positively for my own sanity and those of others around me, but ofcourse it's highly negative. And thanks to Dr. Ramani for helping me guide through all this, helping me understand myself and others & feeling understood... 💚 Edit: She ended up breaking up with me too, I got too tricky and I started seeing her for who she is (And I'm ashamed to admit I would probably accepted all of it as long as she'd be honest to me, lucky me she can't), and me calling out her behavior (also towards her kids) put her on a shame pedestal in her point of view... She'd always admit I was right, but she'd never change anything and would only push me away... She's still trying to hover me in a way though, and I'm letting her to be honest... It's easier this way compared to starting friction with a vulnerable/self-righteous narc who has a higher position at work than you do and who worked there 4 years longer... And it somewhat also is like getting my fix every now and then, cause yes I do still feel for her and I somewhere deep down still hope she can see and become better... (Not even for me or our future, I don't want a future with her... Not anymore... Although I do still love her for some dumbass reason... But I do hope it for her kids sake... Cause you can definitely see the effects, especially on her 4 year old who is a tiny malignant narc atm, and if this continues that's very bad for his future... And I also feel a lot for her 13 year old, he reminds me a lot of myself when I was his age, he's definitely traumabonded...) Again trauma dumping -.- Just wanted to add: She dumped me too because I gave her too many narc injuries, which I never understood till endgame...
My ex husband called all our adult children and told them that we were separating only to later turn it into a story of how I threw him out. I tried to retake him five times for the same thing to continue. I don’t think he expected me to file for divorce. And when I did he told everyone I was insane due to my cancer treatment
My spouse ran off with an ex; couldn’t even bother to fish for new supply. When I realized how shallow this person I married was, I was shocked. Took my heart a long time to catch up to my brain. And yes, Dr you are correct, it is a gift but it should be called something else because I like gifts. 🦋
I totally refused to buy into his lies, cheating, twisted reality and gaslighting, and yup despite the promise that we'll always try to work things out (didn't do shit but instead kept on cheating), I kept trying to hold him accountable and it was discardville for me.
This was a pure thought that came to me after being in a narcissistic relationship for over ten years, “I am a useless thing until I am a needed thing.” It was exactly how I felt during the entire relationship.
Wonderful, as always Dr. Ramani. 30 years with a narc husband; 28 years of chipping away at my heart and breaking it; the last 2 or so allowed my heart to heal before he filed for divorce. He's in his 70's and moved to a senior complex in the Midwest. In all the chaos he brought, the greatest thing he ever gave me was removing himself from my life!
Mine wanted a divorce shortly after I told him "the bank of Tracy is closing". I had enough of him not working and me carrying us. I didn't make enough money to carry us. I almost lost my truck to repo, trying to keep us fed and the utilities on. I was still paying the electric bill to help him out and giving him grocery money for months after I moved out. The tone of my voice when I told him the bank is closing let him know it was over. Throw me aside because he can't use me anymore.
⚠️”It’s Not You” should have a warning label. It’s an eye opener that explains a lot. The section “ Can Narcissistic Abuse... Make You Physically Ill?” Brought me to tears. What now?
I had someone who'd never apologize when wrong and in the rare moment they did it was, "sorry but you made me do that and that." On the other hand I'd be branded as the problem in the relationship and I was told I'd be cursed when refused to engage in the toxic drama cycle. She'd talk about how I was unfaithful to strangers (her flying monkeys and supply) when I was buried in work to provide. She's gone now. Peace.
My narc broke up with me (but i filed for divorce) because he (said) took 2 blood pressure pills, climbed upstairs to the front door, laid down against the front door with his legs stretched up against the door... and I didnt panic. I told him I can call an ambulance. "No, no.. don't do that". Ok. Is your chest hurting? How is your vision? Tell me if you want an ambulance. "No, no, don't call". So, I didn't. HE GOT UP ON HIS OWN AND LEFT. HE WAS PISSED. (He kept amping up the acting as time went on...😐) gawd
Even though I ran for my life- I'm told she still believes it was she who dumped me. I spent a couple of years recovering and rebuilding my mind. I have forgiven her, but stay clear of any communication. Thanks to you and your TH-cam channel I managed to get out of the relationship before it was too late. Best wishes to all the survivors out there! I hope you take good care of yourself❤
OMG, yes! They think that they will never age!! Just broke up with a horrible narc! She just turned 70, but acts like a petulant and uncaring 15 year old. Her circle of friends shrinks by the day and she still doesn’t realize that she’s going to die alone.
Somebody’s friend circle shrinking isn’t always a bad thing. I’m becoming mindful of who I have in my circle due to people’s carelessness around the ongoing genocides. That’s just an example. People with lots of friends are usually fake in my experience.
When we had our first child. When he realized that we had to budget and prioritize our child’s needs rather than cater and fuel his wants and demands it was no contest who I chose to care for. Nex thought it would be an easy court settlement but instead he was in contempt up to 3 times. At one point he stated on the record in court “is there no justice” to which the judge replied “just because you don’t like my ruling doesn’t mean there isn’t justice”. He went through 3 lawyers and played the “poor immigrant” card and requested a translator (even though he worked as one himself)and despite the fact he boasted of having a masters degree and that he was smarter than me and told all our friends how crazy I was and how much he loved our kid and was a #1 dad. He saw our kid maybe once or twice a month for a couple hours and didn’t volunteer to have him overnight till our child was 8. It was hard but in the end I know I was the reliable one I could count on and that he wasn’t going to come to my rescue to coparent.
My narcissist broke it off with me because he had an incurable std (herpes) and I do not. I refuse to go there with him sexually and he found someone who is "hotter" and "sexier"....and who obviously has no problem with contracting herpes, or probably has it herself. He still wants to "talk" to me because Im so "great and intelligent and perfect"....but he can't do the sex with me so it's an untenable relationship. I don't want to keep going at all and didn't want it really in the first place because he is younger than me. It's like i'm his "relationship professor" or something or some version of his mother in his mind. I refuse to do those Mother things for him. And so I AM pulling away...the more he tries to come back, the more I run. And will keep running. Now it's a matter of personal health and safety to me.
after 24 years he dumped me, because of me being "mentally ill", don't admiring him anymore and the best: replacing him with a dog! Well, now having a deeper friendship to my dog than I ever had to him shows me quite well who is the problem...
This reminds me of what my ex said when he broke up with me. He said something like ‚I feel like this relationship is not good for you‘ after I started calling him out on his bullshit more and more and was requesting him to work on this relationship with me together to find a solution to our problems and disagreements. I never said it’s totally his fault, I always tried to be a better partner but I started requesting him to actually try as well. That was too much. He also said, he cannot meet my needs somewhere earlier in the relationship when I was explaining to him that he was basically ignoring me and not showing any interest or love towards me as a person outside of sex. Of course I didn’t want to look ‚needy‘ at the time and shut up. Nowadays I realised that being needy isn’t really a thing.
He really thought he was compassionate in breaking up with me. It’s not kind to break up with someone because YOU are a terrible person and you are ‚protecting‘ me from yourself, that’s just admitting that you don’t want to change and it’s making you uncomfortable that this relationship is making you realise that. It’s still about your own interests. He wouldn’t have left me if I would have continued to suffer in silence just like all the years prior and looked for the fault in myself. Plus, the way he broke up with me was the most cruel and cowardly way he could at the most vulnerable time in my life I have ever been while he was on a high in his life. So no, not very compassionate at all.
4 days ago i got the boot and the new supply moved in on the same day. Post break-up abuse seems inviting right about now... The silence is deafening... the ghosting is crippling. I never meant nothing. I loved someone who never cared about me. That realisation is debilitating.
OMG Brilliant. Had to watch twice, and one of the best WHY videos so far. Exhaustive reasons, excellent examples and explanations. You're so Great at this, Dr. Ramani. I really appreciated the phrase, "So they may end a relationship with you so they have that freedom and flexibility so they can remain in their eternal adolescence." Welcome to my world!
I was never the lucky supply that was left for new supply as he created the best of both worlds The violence happened & each time I had to get safety orders & he had to leave "The glue was toxic" The hoovering the baiting never ceased & in hindsight there was always new supply on the side I can honestly say that leaving & divorcing a grandiose malignant narcissist was the best decision of my life Thank you, Dr.Ramini
Explains my x son in law, he discarded my beautiful daughter after a 15 year marriage ~~ for LOW HANGING FRUIT~~ as painful as the divorce was for our entire family ~~ (as we never truly saw beyond his mask) I must say, GRATITUDE that he has moved on. Praying for my grandaughters healing and deliverance from his manipulation and control.
My husband left me for an older model in the midst of a spiritual battle against abusive religious 'leaders' which continues to this day. He chose hell, end of story. I'm only interested in my children who are victims of religious abuse and his reaction to it.
I really needed this. I've been victim all my life of several narcissistic people of different kind (partner, parents, friends) and I never realized I was, untile they broke up with me. After 6 years in therapy, (and still going) I'm really grateful for their decision to break up with me because they literally saved me. I always thought "I've been lucky they just let me go because now I'm living free". But "luck" never have been very satisfying as explaination, and I thank you so much for helping me understand how it works with this video. ❤ Living free is the BEST thing you could ever have and wish for.
"I didn't want to be seen as the guy who abandoned his disabled wife." The reason I was given for why he stayed for 4yrs after he "decided" he didn't want to be living together anymore, but he still wanted to be legally married to get his hands on my inheritance. Funnily enough, while I do feel a lot of guilt for staying, especially regarding my children, I don't feel ashamed at all. I couldn't see the forest fire while trapped under the brambles, but now I've fought my way out of that I can see it and I'm doing everything I can about it.
@@barb7124 stay strong and don't let him bully you into anything. Disabled people can do almost anything a "normal" person does, just differently. I might not be able to run around with my kid, but I can come up with all sorts of games where she runs around and gets exercise and I rest in my chair. Reach out to organizations that help abused women, ask your medical team for help, and even your insurance company likely has a program to help you with care tasks as you make the transition. Also, if you haven't yet, file for divorce. You don't have to move out to do that and there's lots of ways to protect yourself if you're concerned about him becoming dangerous. Police, lawyers and even DCF have lots of ways to support you. Stay safe and stay strong 💖
I was taking things slow getting to know a guy. He seemed ok with it yet suddenly admitted he was with someone 20 years younger! He told me she wants kids but he doesn’t, yet he justified it by saying ‘they’re having lots of fun’ and that ‘men are immature’! He also has admitted he can be a jerk sometimes. Thank goodness I didn’t get involved with him. I kept boundaries and stayed strong in myself, so I think he prefers someone younger that he can control. I’d rather be single and healthy. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I have no words to express how I felt after listening to you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Getting replaced quickly hurts a lot. I was feeling I wasn't enough but I was just used..It wasn't love but supply... Thank you for each word.🙏
They rather run out the relationship then address their negative behavior. When they break up with you, it's sometimes because you called them out on being a narcissist. When you only said so to help them, not hurt them. But,this only rages them more then before. And they rather run away then work on themselves.
I had no idea he was narcissistic 24 years married. The only red flag was exaggerates everything financial emotional and verbal abuse. I threatened to lock him up. I live in the inner city. His sister lives in a suburbs, and her husband is a doctor very grand behavior all the time.
8:56 Agree, and for me, the relationship was gangrenous. I'd been too desensitized by 17 yrs of "marriage" to realize amputation was the healthiest thing for kiddo and me. Thanks, Law Enforcement and knowledgeable Family Court System!!!
Also, it was the best thing to happen to me. I have found you and other counsel that are helping me find me again. !! Even if I do resent that he hid assests from me and is now retired, paid off the mortgage etc etc ( when we were together we lived on the edge with no savings). But, I am free, even if I struggle financially its been worth it.
I'm so glad I found this channel so randomly and this is the last video you uploaded because I am wrecking my head over this question for a month now which is when my narcissist broke up with me... And I am feeling such shame and anger towards myself for being with him and for still being so hurt and even missing him when I know I deserved more. It's making me insane even tho it's been over a month and I hate that it's probably been so easy for him...
Although the experience was so heart breaking and hurtful but ,this education has given me such tremendous insight! The discarded part, not to mention the secrets that are STILL being revealed were devastating but,honestly, like you said it was a good thing, because i honestly didn't know how to leave, and that revealed so much from my childhood, so I'm realizing just how much of a blessing this experience has given me
And now 4 years later he has begun phone stalking. Yes, i blocked him 4 years ago but voicemail cannot be blocked. He is using other people's phones to call. I never say hello first, i listen silently snd immediately hangup as soon as I hear his voice and i block the number. Calls that appear as Private or unknown numbers are a problem. I'm still going no contact. The most I feel is annoyance and irritation that he is being a pest. If he turns up on my doorstep, I shall call the police without hesitation.
I didn’t tolerate everything anymore not taking care of the children at least temporarily, spending money mostly on himself refusing to keep bank appointments, lack of empathy…
Never had a relationship from predatoral manipulation.. guess woman that rather choose filth over hard working human beings arnt worth it.. I deserve so much more respect and dignity
#3 is 100% what my relationship was like, but he never really broke up with me, he would get mad, say I only know how to argue and fight and I enjoy conflict and 48 hours later call and somehow I would fall. Thank you Dr Ramani your channel really saved my life!
My narc ex did not have new supply when she broke up with me. The reason for the break up was control. I was asking questions to clear my confusion and that was a challenge to her supreme authority.
My ex is 63 and has a 4 year old with his younger affair partner. My children are in their 20’s. Although that being said they have a toxic relationship. They started their relationship as an affair. He has npd personality disorder and she is borderline personality disorder.
Thank you, Dr., for this insightful, very helpful, and timely video. I think it has helped me more than anything during this difficult time. I’m going through a breakup right now and my husband has been giving silly reasons for leaving our marriage-they don’t sound like reason enough for divorce so he began fabricating things I say and do. I’ve been sensing that something is driving him out of the marriage but he won’t say what it is despite my asking. The reasons given in this video ring true…And I believe in my husband’s case, more than one of these reasons may be compelling him. We are starting the process (no papers yet), and despite the pain of it all, I can appreciate what you’re saying about the gift of the breakup coming from him. Thank you again for your great work.
I bored him and his group because I finished college but he said I'm old, fat Then took off for his ex wife .She was hanging out with him behind my back. His best friends told me he would always be a petulant child
#4 was my narcissist relationship. I refused to add him to the deed of my house or set aside 100K for his adult daughter even though he thought it was absurd for me to say in that case what are you setting aside for my children. He actually said, "I can't explain to you why I feel it should be done my way but not yours." Stupid me thought that if I could fix his alcohol problem, then it would fix what I have now learned is narcissism. I am much happier being away from his crazy one sided thought process.
"I can't explain to you why I feel it should be done my way but not yours." Lol, imagining this said in that self-important, condescending, impatient tone, like they never realize how ridiculous they sound.
Literally my ex and I. I went and got healed and became different due to our last break up and just the shame and fingers pointed at me. She contacted me almost a couple years after… I changed so it’s not hard to think others do to… but no as soon as it was locked In she flipped and I was so confused. This time is was WORSE than ever before, eyes filled with evil
Thanking God for healing and these videos. Even thinking about it all, about them no longer hurts. Now can not wait for the day when I see the DARVOing & subsequent ghosting as a gift.
To go for a new supply, devaluing couldn't go further and the final discard was absolutely brutal. Ended up robbed of everything with no legal means of recourse. Ended up in jail and while in her and her family took everything and did a smear campaign so well that I cannot even see my own son.
It's interesting they say these mean unnecessary things - and spoken like they are a wise seer! I've had several mean female friends who said if I dump them, I'll have no friends. I never said back what I was thinking: that it would be nicer to have no friends than having them in my life. I had zero interest in any unnecessary argument, I just wanted out with minimum fuss.
True, but a younger partner is also a ton of trouble for the narcissist. So, they'll come back. At least for a good complaining session. On a beautiful Friday, when dinner is already cooking, and I know I won't have to wake up early the next day and listen to the drill sergeant's yelling - metaphorically speaking - the phone will buzz, then again, and again, from an unknown number, because I've banned, deleted, blocked, muted the previous eight, and they'll spout the usual nonsense and ask for some outrageous favor. If only it didn't happen like this, but it will, it always does.
All he cared about was flirting/sex/porn and every and any aspect of it. He did not care where or who he got it from. He didn't end it at first; he would distance a bit when trying to entice new supply then when that was done he reemerged with a fraction of the love bombing that he initially started with. Things would go well for a bit and then distance again. I didn't realize what he was doing at first because I had in my mind all of that Venus/Mars stuff that talks about a "man being like a rubber band and it is normal for a man to distance then come back." Since he felt he was getting away with it he got more blatant about it, we fought of course and he admitted to just keeping me around if others didn't work out. I distanced myself from him and stopped all contact. He didn't seem to mind as he was involved with about 5 women at the time.
I would question and hold boundaries around my ex narc friend and when they were abusive to others I also would get involved and try to stop it. I held him accountable while everyone else would do whatever he asked and if/when he yelled at them they would be silenced or cry. He almost got physical with me at times when I would hold a basic healthy boundary and he would slam/throw things around me when arguing. I tried so hard to make it work and they left me as a friend because I held boundaires. I kept making excuses for his behavior because he said he had intense childhood trauma and bipolar. I have cptsd so I empathized with his trauma and kept giving too many chances. Later he then did a smear campaign against me while also trying to hoover me back, I didn't go back. I've seen how my ex narc friend constantly remakes the same friend groups (he has discarded so many people) while they are always the center of it. They all have roles in the friend group, like I did. And if you don't play the role to his liking, you are out. His friends also always work for him in some way. He is only friends with who he can exploit. I am happy, like many here, to have escaped all that and am in a better place in my life now. I have gone through intensive therapy for it for years and that has really helped me along with these videos. Thank you for them, they are incredibly important and helpful.
I read several books about narcissism, I saw all your video incl Sam Vaknin. I can say out loud that my ex Gianluca Sanna is one! He has a body but nobody is living in it. Empty. Thanks to these info I feel completely over him. Releases him for good!
Thank you so much Dr. Romani. Decided to finally call my husband's bluff and divorce him. He kept telling me.he wants a divorce but never went through. I filed for the divorced.
A group of students did something terrible the professor found out and was so upset about it as he was pacing around thinking of a punishment one student yelled forgive them. That student was given 15 minutes to pack his belongings and never come back. For many years I didn't know what the student did wrong until I started watching these videos. Thank you Dr Ramani.
For those whose first love was music: after reading about the mythological tale of narcissus - with varying authors’ story lines all ending with him turning into a daffodil (scientific name = narcissus) - i’m wondering whether the cranberries song “daffodil lament” could be about achieving freedom from a narcissistic relationship. I love when the melody changes from melancholic to this simple childlike happy tune and the lyrics go “I have decided to leave you forever, I have decided to start things from here…” Yes you CAN. All that pain which carved a big hole inside of you, has given you so much more capacity to be filled with heavenly joy.
Thank you Dr Ramani. You saved me from a narcissistic person (a assumed he was). We weren't together long (not even a year) but after two-three months of being together planed already to get married (😂). But something was wrong (I had a gut feeling from almost the beginning but ignored it). Then 5-6 months into the relationship I came across your channel - everything made sense. Listen to a lot of your videos and decided that he has to break up with me ( I've already tried a few times - he just ignored what I was saying). I will just mention it that we already lived together. I gave up to that point most of my lines / boundaries. So started to take them back. It was really bad. We fought all the time. Thank God (!) I also got sick. He broke up with me. I was heartbroken because I really loved him (the love bombing faze was like heaven) but I knew it is for better. He tried a few times to get bach together. Each time he tried I remained him that he was the one who broke up with me. After 6-8 months - I stopped hearing from him😁 And just to let you all know I was very hard- two years later I am still sick (getting well) but I was worth not having him in my life. God bless you Dr Ramani and you all.
I just got broken up w by a narcissist yesterday. She started a fight and I enforced my boundaries and held her accountable and she didn’t like it. She realized that I wasn’t gonna bow down to her and dipped immediately. She’s already getting w someone else, and she’ll do the same to him. I know I dodged a bullet, but it still hurts.
![[LIVE] : ONE ลุมพินี 88 | คู่เอก "ป้อมเพชร vs อัสลามจอน"](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/1ZqTVVbMgbo/mqdefault.jpg)
They only want someone who will kiss their ass and not question anything that they do!
Precisely. I had a horrid friend who I left due to it being "no fun" (abusive) any more, & she agreed - because I was hopeless at faking non stop admiration.
So true!
Tried giving her that and they need conflict unfortunately. Doing this, completely giving in was the trigger for the final discard.😢
💯 facts
This is so my husband
Forget what you feel, remember what you deserve. Narcissists fake love you, until they don't need you anymore.
Ooof- ‘forget what you feel’ hit me because it reminded me of something a therapist told me after not being able to get over my ex-narcissistic & abusive husband for years. She wanted me to imagine my narc in a coffin, dead. I was having a hard time getting past things and somehow her impetus to imagine him in this state helped me to visualize the relationship as toxic & dead. Words and visualization are so important in our healing!
Exactly, I was so confused why if he loved me, why he still kept his old girl friend in his life . Then later, he found a coworker and " they had so much in common", and as he explained what ,it was exactly what we had had. He tried to discard me for her, but unfortunately I was given bad advice and I stayed. So the next almost 2 decades was hard and he was playing games on the computer, watching corn etc.. then he found a new supply, a married girl his daughters age, and tried to get me to help him groom her...( ie teach her to cook) he would go to her face book and make comments on her pictures, explaining she needed affirmation.. ( and I didn't?) Then, he got angry at me when saw the same pattern and refused to go along. It ended when he knocked me out after accusing me of what he was doing, then covered it up by blaming me. But I left. Unfortunately he had been lying about me to our girls, calling me the monster, etc etc. So, no one believed me. He had to make me leave, because he would not. Unfortunately now, he has our vulnerable middle daughter and her 11 yo daughter living with him. Her husband is a drug user and a narc also..but he can't help her ditch him, because he needs her broken too.
.
Yeh. Tired of her guff luvbombing, I said ‘I guess you don’t need me anymore’ ( her kids did!) so she fired my. 6 weeks without income was worth it… except poor kids! I think I shamed her after that… that ‘s what did it.
This is so true. Their love ❤️ is superficial.
Doctor Ramani isn't aware of where our abilities are at within the arts of physics because ethics are so abusively maintained in the American and international systems from gloating over choice understanding recess intercourse is wonderfully inviting
If they tell you good bye consider that as a gift.
😢😢😢 serious? I felt that I wasn't good enough for them anymore and it hurts
It's a great thing if they breakup with us. We may not know at that time.
Can relate. Mine dumping me was definitely a blessing in disguise.
When he broke up with me I literally did the "Tiger Woods' Fist Pump". I was so excited when he said that he had to break up that I did not tarry a moment longer.The Peace that I have experienced since then has been more wonderful than I could have imagined.
I am happy for all of you. I suffer instead. Since months. Probably I am not so strong like you
@vincenzorossi4828 No.. it took me months to get to this place. At first, I felt like I was going to die. You're fine. *HUGHUG*
@@awendigowithinternetaccess4400 thank you for your kind reply. Thanks really. A hug for you. Also this shall pass....
I stopped going along and started questioning things. I think this caused a narcissistic injury and he broke up with me!
Lucky!
Good on you!
same,he blamed me a lot when he dumped me
This has a lot to do with mine too. As soon as I caught on and pushed back he was out within a year (after a 15 year relationship) ....this and he wanted his life free from me and children for whatever came next.
Wow! This is so familiar! I feel like I dodged a bullet when I found out who he really was!
Dr. Ramani has this uncanny way of uploading a video with what I need to hear at the moment.
Same!
Oh amen.
Clearly, these videos help a lot to recover.
Exactly true!
Great video! Sadly, my two-year relationship ended a month ago. The person I thought was the love of my life decided to leave, and I’m still deeply in love with him. I can’t stop thinking about him, and despite all my efforts to win him back, nothing has worked. I feel so frustrated and can’t imagine being with anyone else. No matter what I do, he’s always on my mind, and I miss him terribly.
Letting go of someone you love is incredibly hard. I went through a similar experience when my twelve-year relationship ended. I couldn't bear to lose him, so I did everything I could to rekindle our relationship. Eventually, I sought the help of a spiritual counselor, who guided us back together.
Wow, that’s incredible! How did you find a spiritual counselor, and how can I get in touch with him?
His name is Fatherabulu, and he’s an amazing spiritual counselor who specializes in helping people reconnect with their ex.
Thank you for sharing this valuable info! I just looked him up, and he seems impressive.
WARNING!!!
THIS IS FAKE!!!
They change the words around a little, but this same comment is posted on a lot of other videos under different users. It's so so obvious if you read the back and forth replies. It's an advertisement. Don't fall for it. No one can make someone come back to you.
I needed this so bad!!! He broke up WITH ME after he abused me for 2 years, and is now playing the victim just because we got into an argument that I “started” so that was his get out free card to blame everything on me! So mind Fing.
Stop talking to him. Grey rock.
The same exact thing happened so often in my marriage...16 years of hell.... celebrate the freedom!!!!🎉❤
Ooh it’s the same here! She became cold after 2 years of hot relationship! When I confronted her she blocked me everywhere! It has been almost 3 weeks now! No contact from her side
Literally same
Same
After a more than a decade of having the life sucked out of me, I became difficult because I couldn't keep up with the demands and not having any help or support from him. He'd threatened to divorce me multiple times those last few years, and the final time he said it, I agreed because I was tired of him being such a garbage person and my life going literally nowhere because I had given him all my power.
There was nothing left for him to crush or destroy because he'd smashed it all. I was discarded. A younger woman replaced me, a coworker that he conveniently never told me about though they'd worked together for a few years at that point. He remarried less than a year after our divorce was finalized. Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs a place to live.
My life isn't great, but it's mine. After three years of trying to get my health back in order, going to counseling, and figuring out who I am and what I want to do, I may be on the road to contentment.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Hang in there, survivors. Internet fist bumps to all of you. You'll get through it if you keep going.
I too used the phrase that he was sucking the life out of me, because that's just how it felt. Now he's gone!!😊
Right there with you. He told me to get out on NYE. I said no. I had $699 to my name because he had cut me off. We were together 16 years. I’m broke and living in a new way. But I’m happy. No bad mornings. Since 3/14/24. Now the divorce. That’s the hardest part.
Ha. Great line and so true…nobody falls in love faster than a narc when they need a place to stay. If only I’d know that years ago.😂
I feel your exhaustion, and also your deternination, in the effort to reclaim health and vitality after having been duped, drained, betrayed and DARVO'd. The social injustice of it all sucks. I'm 15 months out, no contact for year, made it through the wedding anniversary yesterday. Still exhausted and yes, it's hard, with so many responsibilities. But YES, it's my own life. My choices. I'm nurturing myself. I'm grateful for the good people who are here in this forum, who understand. Stay strong, Sister ❤ 🙏🏻🌸
Thank you so much for your story! It's almost identical to mine. He was constantly asking for a divorce when I thought everything was fine. I finally agreed, as i was worn down. Within a few WEEKS, he had flown to Oregon (from California), found another job, packed his stuff in A Uhaul and left. That was 2 months ago. Still trying to make sense of it all. He stopped talking to me after two weeks of being there. No doubt, he has 'new supply'. ( I was his new supply when he left his first wife.. .so stupid...) I'm finding solace in findng others in similar situations, and inspiring videos... it's still really hard, recovering from it though. We were together 10 years and I feel like I've wasted a big chunk of my life. Day at a time....
The new supply!!! He had turned 75 and found a 48 year old woman online. During the pandemic they had a big romance and affair. He became cocky and sadistic to me and wouldn't tell me why. Finally he admitted his betrayal and I didn't hesitate. I got a divorce and left him and everything. He's married to her now and looks like an old man. I know what life with him was like so new supply deserves him! 😂
I'm really happy to be free of the abuse. Thanks again Dr. RAMANI ❤
I was broken 💔 for several years because of this happening to me. He even divorced me for a DOWNGRADE, then he died at 35yo, 7 months later 🤷♀️ GO figure.
Damn... 🫂
Oh wow That is crazy
Am not a bad person but good for him
I’m still single and not dating. Not interested right now and the person would need to be extremely special to change it.
Although my husband of 23 years discarded me, I feel that I was actually the one to end the relationship because I would no longer put up with his abuse and I gave him an ultimatum. He chose abuse, and simultaneously discarded me. Took some time to get back on my feet because he kept the house and most of the stuff in it (threatened to bankrupt me in court by dragging it out) but I'm still much better off without him (PS He tried to replace me multiple times but none of his new relationships actually stuck).
I’m in the middle of a similar sounding divorce currently. Hope I can get back on my feet like you after this mess!
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
Those last 30 seconds of the video -- breaking up with us the GREATEST thing they will do (for us). Took me four years after discard, but I realize the toxicity I had learned to live in. My life now is fulfilled, peaceful, meaningful with no nonsense. Hang in there if you're having trouble.
I agree 💯. 4 years for me as well and I wouldn't change a thing.
2 years and still feel turmoil
I'm in there.Cant wait to breath free.
She discarded me because her mother taught her that's the way you treat people.
I had a friend who complained a lot about her very disrespectful sister, mother and boyfriend- then when I wasn't agreeing enough with her views, her disrespect of me came out in full force.
I was relieved to get an opportunity to get out of the friendship, but had wanted it to be a pleasant "let's have a bit more distance due to we have different values".
You too?? Huh? Her mother was her best friend and controlled her life. Then started disliking me.
Mine too. Her mother is behind her behavior.
Supply is such a horrible word and people still want to be considered primary supply and feel good about it.
Just shows the extent of the gaslight. And people's complete loss of self-dignity.
My mom has become like that.. And has no self pride or self dignity nor integrity and authenticity and shamelessly sides with the narcissist in the family even after knowing she has abused me and others in the family. She is also a lower spectrum and hence a biggest enabler of the narcissist who harms others in the family.
Supply is the Perfect word
JADE technique - don't justify, don't argue, don't defend, don't engage/explain.
When I told my narc mom I was engaged, she's one of those money-/status-obsessed narcs, so she lied to me and to everyone that my fiancee doesn't have an income, will never make an income, is a gold-digger (projection of her lifelong behavior), and I'm financially ruined. She knows nothing about her or either of our finances.
I said nothing. You have to just not care and stay away from them. Give them zero information about anything. Don't react to them. Don't personalize their behavior. They're sick.
Sounds about right. Although I'm curious how doing nothing to stand up for the one you love while allowing your silence to support Mom's point of view works out.
@@madge2114 Pushing back is exhausting and a waste of time (Brandolini's law) and invites more condescension, gaslighting, invalidation, baiting, the usual playbook. Narcs love emotional reactions and drama because they get off on the control element and can use it to gossip and lie that there's something wrong with you. It was more of a wake-up call that they weaponize all personal information and not give them anything.
They'll spin anything. If someone is working hard at their job, they'll gossip/lie that they're greedy, selfish, barely talk to their family, and only care about money. You can't win.
When he stopped giving me intimacy, I did stop doing any kind of favors he asked me to do. No way. I pushed back, and he didn't like it. This was within the last 6 months before discard.
My Narc Ghosted me because he couldn't control me. I'll live 🙂. 🍒
Same my ex husband left one day after i started grey rocking and never came home that was 2 years ago he never spoke to me again
"Them breaking up with YOU is perhaps the greatest gift and compliment they could have given you."
This healed my heart as soon as I heard you say it. 💗
Thank You.
Why is it a compliment though?
Mine broke up with me cause I confronted them about a lie. I remembered I cried and pleaded for her to stay and promised I would let her do what she wanted. She looked me dead in the face and told me she will cheat on me again, and that was a promise. That moment all my feelings died… cause she had been cheating and I took her back and wanted to fix it. I went to therapy and tried to move past the cheating. I really thank the higher power for actually let her tell the truth that day. I was free at that moment.
My nex hated me educating myself and standing up to him. The abuse got worse. Then I think he wanted to leave but wanted to be able to claim "she kicked me out" victim badge so started a ridiculous argument that blew up and I finally asked him to leave (for real, as I'd done it half heartedly before)
Sounds very familiar 😅
They want things, but want to be able to say it's on you and possibly even play the victim.
They can use that "victim" mindset to get pity and compassion from other/new people as a way of "bonding" or coming across as saints.
My supply for my ex was my body/s*x, she'll never admit it like that straight faced, but she'd half-joke about it throughout the year we were together. (Also noticeable because she'd change in mood right afterwards, going from sweet to stale more often than not)
She'd invite me for s*x under the guise of watching a series/movie, get frustrated for me not instigating cause I'm supposed to be a man (even though she might have said she doesn't want s*x that day) or would get frustrated for me instigating the time after she got frustrated for me NOT instigating, saying she'd feel used (even when she'd say she wanted me to come over for s*x).
Yes, it's very wishy-washy all of the time...
She'd always try to put words in my mouth: You want s*x right? Or even add: That's all I am for you right? (Projecting -.-)
She didn't want to be honest and have it come back to her as "All I was for you was supply/s*x", but she'd still want the benefits.
It became a game to her, yet a frustrating game, cause I'm not letting her put those words in my mouth.
It frustrates her cause she doesn't want the stamp of using me for s*x, wants to be able to say I used her for that instead.
She tried to get me to say I just want her body in many many many different ways over the year we were together, mostly half-jokes. So if I'd go along with it even just once, she could say I used her, I was the wrong one, she is the victim, yadayada. (Which would be easily believed as I'm a guy)
But... Even though I'm a guy and this is hard to believe; It was never about s*x for me... (Don't get me wrong, as a [hu]man I too love s*x ofcourse, but it wasn't my focus) I truly loved her and her 4 kids... Who I never got say goodbye to... 😞
It is very sad and emotionally draining to find out that the person you thought you had a deeper connection with, was way more busy with trying to control (future) situations or outcomes regardless of how they impact you at the time or in the future, and that you're just supply they want to control and even use in a certain way.
To see frustration cause she can't manipulate you in digging your own grave... (We're colleagues too, to this day btw... I'm glad I never fell for her tricks, cause she'd be able to claim I used her and that would be a social death at work for me....
I'm still leaving there as soon as I can though, dw! And yes it is rough to have a narc ex at work, especially if you share common friends who don't know or wouldn't be able to understand...)
It's sad I realized very late, grew up with a borderline/vulnerable narc dad who eventually married a malignant narc, so for me stuff like this was fed to me since I was young and I was traumabonded from the start... For what it's worth, I'm glad I have that ex, she made me realize a lot about myself and my past and I finally opened up my eyes to narcissism. (Was 32 by that time, so yea quite late, but better late than never!) It was meant to be and I shan't regret it.
Sorry for the long story... Wanted to agree and give a small example, but ended up traumadumping in a way... Hopefully someone will read this and it somehow helps them in some way...
Also, didn't write this for pity, so please don't pity me. This experience made me wiser and stronger, and it helped me clearly see my past and my trauma's, so it was more than worth it 🙂👍
That said: I still don't recommend this to anyone... 😅 I'm just trying to make the best of a bad situation, so I try to view it positively for my own sanity and those of others around me, but ofcourse it's highly negative.
And thanks to Dr. Ramani for helping me guide through all this, helping me understand myself and others & feeling understood... 💚
Edit: She ended up breaking up with me too, I got too tricky and I started seeing her for who she is (And I'm ashamed to admit I would probably accepted all of it as long as she'd be honest to me, lucky me she can't), and me calling out her behavior (also towards her kids) put her on a shame pedestal in her point of view... She'd always admit I was right, but she'd never change anything and would only push me away...
She's still trying to hover me in a way though, and I'm letting her to be honest... It's easier this way compared to starting friction with a vulnerable/self-righteous narc who has a higher position at work than you do and who worked there 4 years longer... And it somewhat also is like getting my fix every now and then, cause yes I do still feel for her and I somewhere deep down still hope she can see and become better... (Not even for me or our future, I don't want a future with her... Not anymore... Although I do still love her for some dumbass reason... But I do hope it for her kids sake... Cause you can definitely see the effects, especially on her 4 year old who is a tiny malignant narc atm, and if this continues that's very bad for his future... And I also feel a lot for her 13 year old, he reminds me a lot of myself when I was his age, he's definitely traumabonded...)
Again trauma dumping -.-
Just wanted to add: She dumped me too because I gave her too many narc injuries, which I never understood till endgame...
My ex husband called all our adult children and told them that we were separating only to later turn it into a story of how I threw him out. I tried to retake him five times for the same thing to continue. I don’t think he expected me to file for divorce. And when I did he told everyone I was insane due to my cancer treatment
My spouse ran off with an ex; couldn’t even bother to fish for new supply. When I realized how shallow this person I married was, I was shocked. Took my heart a long time to catch up to my brain. And yes, Dr you are correct, it is a gift but it should be called something else because I like gifts. 🦋
“So that they can remain in their eternal adolescence” ! 💥
I totally refused to buy into his lies, cheating, twisted reality and gaslighting, and yup despite the promise that we'll always try to work things out (didn't do shit but instead kept on cheating), I kept trying to hold him accountable and it was discardville for me.
This was a pure thought that came to me after being in a narcissistic relationship for over ten years, “I am a useless thing until I am a needed thing.” It was exactly how I felt during the entire relationship.
Wonderful, as always Dr. Ramani.
30 years with a narc husband; 28 years of chipping away at my heart and breaking it; the last 2 or so allowed my heart to heal before he filed for divorce. He's in his 70's and moved to a senior complex in the Midwest. In all the chaos he brought, the greatest thing he ever gave me was removing himself from my life!
Mine wanted a divorce shortly after I told him "the bank of Tracy is closing". I had enough of him not working and me carrying us. I didn't make enough money to carry us. I almost lost my truck to repo, trying to keep us fed and the utilities on. I was still paying the electric bill to help him out and giving him grocery money for months after I moved out. The tone of my voice when I told him the bank is closing let him know it was over. Throw me aside because he can't use me anymore.
Wow I'm sorry. If a person can't 50/50 thr bills with you then they need to go
⚠️”It’s Not You” should have a warning label. It’s an eye opener that explains a lot. The section “ Can Narcissistic Abuse... Make You Physically Ill?” Brought me to tears. What now?
I had someone who'd never apologize when wrong and in the rare moment they did it was, "sorry but you made me do that and that." On the other hand I'd be branded as the problem in the relationship and I was told I'd be cursed when refused to engage in the toxic drama cycle. She'd talk about how I was unfaithful to strangers (her flying monkeys and supply) when I was buried in work to provide. She's gone now. Peace.
They know you feel how difficult they are so they have to start over and the cycle starts again.
My narc broke up with me (but i filed for divorce) because he (said) took 2 blood pressure pills, climbed upstairs to the front door, laid down against the front door with his legs stretched up against the door... and I didnt panic. I told him I can call an ambulance. "No, no.. don't do that". Ok. Is your chest hurting? How is your vision? Tell me if you want an ambulance. "No, no, don't call". So, I didn't. HE GOT UP ON HIS OWN AND LEFT. HE WAS PISSED. (He kept amping up the acting as time went on...😐) gawd
It’s uncanny how EXACT this is to my current situation.
Even though I ran for my life- I'm told she still believes it was she who dumped me. I spent a couple of years recovering and rebuilding my mind. I have forgiven her, but stay clear of any communication. Thanks to you and your TH-cam channel I managed to get out of the relationship before it was too late. Best wishes to all the survivors out there! I hope you take good care of yourself❤
OMG, yes! They think that they will never age!! Just broke up with a horrible narc! She just turned 70, but acts like a petulant and uncaring 15 year old. Her circle of friends shrinks by the day and she still doesn’t realize that she’s going to die alone.
Somebody’s friend circle shrinking isn’t always a bad thing. I’m becoming mindful of who I have in my circle due to people’s carelessness around the ongoing genocides. That’s just an example. People with lots of friends are usually fake in my experience.
When we had our first child. When he realized that we had to budget and prioritize our child’s needs rather than cater and fuel his wants and demands it was no contest who I chose to care for. Nex thought it would be an easy court settlement but instead he was in contempt up to 3 times. At one point he stated on the record in court “is there no justice” to which the judge replied “just because you don’t like my ruling doesn’t mean there isn’t justice”. He went through 3 lawyers and played the “poor immigrant” card and requested a translator (even though he worked as one himself)and despite the fact he boasted of having a masters degree and that he was smarter than me and told all our friends how crazy I was and how much he loved our kid and was a #1 dad. He saw our kid maybe once or twice a month for a couple hours and didn’t volunteer to have him overnight till our child was 8. It was hard but in the end I know I was the reliable one I could count on and that he wasn’t going to come to my rescue to coparent.
My narcissist broke it off with me because he had an incurable std (herpes) and I do not. I refuse to go there with him sexually and he found someone who is "hotter" and "sexier"....and who obviously has no problem with contracting herpes, or probably has it herself. He still wants to "talk" to me because Im so "great and intelligent and perfect"....but he can't do the sex with me so it's an untenable relationship. I don't want to keep going at all and didn't want it really in the first place because he is younger than me. It's like i'm his "relationship professor" or something or some version of his mother in his mind. I refuse to do those Mother things for him. And so I AM pulling away...the more he tries to come back, the more I run. And will keep running. Now it's a matter of personal health and safety to me.
When your presence becomes unbearable due to their shame!!! @ 4:00!
💯 % !!!
after 24 years he dumped me, because of me being "mentally ill", don't admiring him anymore and the best: replacing him with a dog! Well, now having a deeper friendship to my dog than I ever had to him shows me quite well who is the problem...
Mine told me I was “mentally ill” and “needed medication”. The therapist confirmed this is not true and I was gaslighted into believing this.
This reminds me of what my ex said when he broke up with me. He said something like ‚I feel like this relationship is not good for you‘ after I started calling him out on his bullshit more and more and was requesting him to work on this relationship with me together to find a solution to our problems and disagreements. I never said it’s totally his fault, I always tried to be a better partner but I started requesting him to actually try as well. That was too much. He also said, he cannot meet my needs somewhere earlier in the relationship when I was explaining to him that he was basically ignoring me and not showing any interest or love towards me as a person outside of sex. Of course I didn’t want to look ‚needy‘ at the time and shut up. Nowadays I realised that being needy isn’t really a thing.
He really thought he was compassionate in breaking up with me. It’s not kind to break up with someone because YOU are a terrible person and you are ‚protecting‘ me from yourself, that’s just admitting that you don’t want to change and it’s making you uncomfortable that this relationship is making you realise that. It’s still about your own interests. He wouldn’t have left me if I would have continued to suffer in silence just like all the years prior and looked for the fault in myself. Plus, the way he broke up with me was the most cruel and cowardly way he could at the most vulnerable time in my life I have ever been while he was on a high in his life. So no, not very compassionate at all.
When they break up its a gift….yes!! I love this outlook! ❤
4 days ago i got the boot and the new supply moved in on the same day. Post break-up abuse seems inviting right about now... The silence is deafening... the ghosting is crippling. I never meant nothing. I loved someone who never cared about me. That realisation is debilitating.
Unfortunately evil people exist 😔
OMG Brilliant. Had to watch twice, and one of the best WHY videos so far. Exhaustive reasons, excellent examples and explanations. You're so Great at this, Dr. Ramani. I really appreciated the phrase, "So they may end a relationship with you so they have that freedom and flexibility so they can remain in their eternal adolescence." Welcome to my world!
i agree with the lack of post seperation abuse, but the divorce (malignant) was just as awful, long, expensive, vindictive as if i had left.
I was never the lucky supply that was left for new supply as he created the best of both worlds
The violence happened & each time I had to get safety orders & he had to leave
"The glue was toxic"
The hoovering the baiting never ceased & in hindsight there was always new supply on the side
I can honestly say that leaving & divorcing a grandiose malignant narcissist was the best decision of my life
Thank you, Dr.Ramini
So true Doc, they do label you as difficult and threaten to leave you!
Explains my x son in law, he discarded my beautiful daughter after a 15 year marriage ~~ for LOW HANGING FRUIT~~ as painful as the divorce was for our entire family ~~ (as we never truly saw beyond his mask) I must say, GRATITUDE that he has moved on. Praying for my grandaughters healing and deliverance from his manipulation and control.
It’s a sentence to wellness that requires a hard road to life giving recovery. Education is key. Thank you Dr. Romani.
My husband left me for an older model in the midst of a spiritual battle against abusive religious 'leaders' which continues to this day. He chose hell, end of story. I'm only interested in my children who are victims of religious abuse and his reaction to it.
I really needed this. I've been victim all my life of several narcissistic people of different kind (partner, parents, friends) and I never realized I was, untile they broke up with me. After 6 years in therapy, (and still going) I'm really grateful for their decision to break up with me because they literally saved me. I always thought "I've been lucky they just let me go because now I'm living free". But "luck" never have been very satisfying as explaination, and I thank you so much for helping me understand how it works with this video. ❤ Living free is the BEST thing you could ever have and wish for.
"I didn't want to be seen as the guy who abandoned his disabled wife." The reason I was given for why he stayed for 4yrs after he "decided" he didn't want to be living together anymore, but he still wanted to be legally married to get his hands on my inheritance. Funnily enough, while I do feel a lot of guilt for staying, especially regarding my children, I don't feel ashamed at all. I couldn't see the forest fire while trapped under the brambles, but now I've fought my way out of that I can see it and I'm doing everything I can about it.
Wow Im disabled to and my husband is trying to get me to leave him first
@@barb7124 stay strong and don't let him bully you into anything. Disabled people can do almost anything a "normal" person does, just differently. I might not be able to run around with my kid, but I can come up with all sorts of games where she runs around and gets exercise and I rest in my chair. Reach out to organizations that help abused women, ask your medical team for help, and even your insurance company likely has a program to help you with care tasks as you make the transition. Also, if you haven't yet, file for divorce. You don't have to move out to do that and there's lots of ways to protect yourself if you're concerned about him becoming dangerous. Police, lawyers and even DCF have lots of ways to support you. Stay safe and stay strong 💖
This was incredibly helpful in continuing to heal from a 15 year relationship that abruptly ended in 2005!!
I was taking things slow getting to know a guy. He seemed ok with it yet suddenly admitted he was with someone 20 years younger! He told me she wants kids but he doesn’t, yet he justified it by saying ‘they’re having lots of fun’ and that ‘men are immature’! He also has admitted he can be a jerk sometimes. Thank goodness I didn’t get involved with him. I kept boundaries and stayed strong in myself, so I think he prefers someone younger that he can control. I’d rather be single and healthy. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I have no words to express how I felt after listening to you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Getting replaced quickly hurts a lot. I was feeling I wasn't enough but I was just used..It wasn't love but supply...
Thank you for each word.🙏
They rather run out the relationship then address their negative behavior. When they break up with you, it's sometimes because you called them out on being a narcissist. When you only said so to help them, not hurt them. But,this only rages them more then before. And they rather run away then work on themselves.
I had no idea he was narcissistic 24 years married. The only red flag was exaggerates everything financial emotional and verbal abuse. I threatened to lock him up. I live in the inner city. His sister lives in a suburbs, and her husband is a doctor very grand behavior all the time.
8:56 Agree, and for me, the relationship was gangrenous. I'd been too desensitized by 17 yrs of "marriage" to realize amputation was the healthiest thing for kiddo and me. Thanks, Law Enforcement and knowledgeable Family Court System!!!
Also, it was the best thing to happen to me. I have found you and other counsel that are helping me find me again. !! Even if I do resent that he hid assests from me and is now retired, paid off the mortgage etc etc ( when we were together we lived on the edge with no savings). But, I am free, even if I struggle financially its been worth it.
I am going through this in the work environment. I pushed Bach and now I am being cut out and ignored 🤦♀️
I'm so glad I found this channel so randomly and this is the last video you uploaded because I am wrecking my head over this question for a month now which is when my narcissist broke up with me... And I am feeling such shame and anger towards myself for being with him and for still being so hurt and even missing him when I know I deserved more. It's making me insane even tho it's been over a month and I hate that it's probably been so easy for him...
Although the experience was so heart breaking and hurtful but ,this education has given me such tremendous insight! The discarded part, not to mention the secrets that are STILL being revealed were devastating but,honestly, like you said it was a good thing, because i honestly didn't know how to leave, and that revealed so much from my childhood, so I'm realizing just how much of a blessing this experience has given me
Agree with you
And now 4 years later he has begun phone stalking.
Yes, i blocked him 4 years ago but voicemail cannot be blocked. He is using other people's phones to call. I never say hello first, i listen silently snd immediately hangup as soon as I hear his voice and i block the number. Calls that appear as Private or unknown numbers are a problem.
I'm still going no contact.
The most I feel is annoyance and irritation that he is being a pest. If he turns up on my doorstep, I shall call the police without hesitation.
I didn’t tolerate everything anymore not taking care of the children at least temporarily, spending money mostly on himself refusing to keep bank appointments, lack of empathy…
Never had a relationship from predatoral manipulation.. guess woman that rather choose filth over hard working human beings arnt worth it.. I deserve so much more respect and dignity
I was done. She wanted in I wanted out. Worked for me.
#3 is 100% what my relationship was like, but he never really broke up with me, he would get mad, say I only know how to argue and fight and I enjoy conflict and 48 hours later call and somehow I would fall.
Thank you Dr Ramani your channel really saved my life!
Can we please take a moment to appreciate how beautiful, inside and out, Dr Ramani is 😊
My narc ex did not have new supply when she broke up with me. The reason for the break up was control. I was asking questions to clear my confusion and that was a challenge to her supreme authority.
My supply got taken for granted and stale, FOMO and YOLO for sure. I stopped fawning and became “difficult”. Of course it was all MY fault.
Man does that sound familiar lmao...
I know FOMO, but YOLO means? Please..
@@khaledaparveenrupa3206 You Only Live Once ( I had NO idea what LMAO meant for more than a year).
@@dlwilliamson5644 thank you.
When I stopped fawning and set a boundary and actually held my ground. He had a fit. Like a two year old.
Congratulations on book
My ex is 63 and has a 4 year old with his younger affair partner. My children are in their 20’s. Although that being said they have a toxic relationship. They started their relationship as an affair. He has npd personality disorder and she is borderline personality disorder.
Thank you, Dr., for this insightful, very helpful, and timely video. I think it has helped me more than anything during this difficult time.
I’m going through a breakup right now and my husband has been giving silly reasons for leaving our marriage-they don’t sound like reason enough for divorce so he began fabricating things I say and do.
I’ve been sensing that something is driving him out of the marriage but he won’t say what it is despite my asking. The reasons given in this video ring true…And I believe in my husband’s case, more than one of these reasons may be compelling him. We are starting the process (no papers yet), and despite the pain of it all, I can appreciate what you’re saying about the gift of the breakup coming from him.
Thank you again for your great work.
I bored him and his group because I finished college but he said I'm old, fat
Then took off for his ex wife .She was hanging out with him behind my back. His best friends told me he would always be a petulant child
#4 was my narcissist relationship. I refused to add him to the deed of my house or set aside 100K for his adult daughter even though he thought it was absurd for me to say in that case what are you setting aside for my children. He actually said, "I can't explain to you why I feel it should be done my way but not yours." Stupid me thought that if I could fix his alcohol problem, then it would fix what I have now learned is narcissism. I am much happier being away from his crazy one sided thought process.
"I can't explain to you why I feel it should be done my way but not yours." Lol, imagining this said in that self-important,
condescending, impatient tone, like they never realize how ridiculous they sound.
Soooooooo good!!!!! thank you!!!! 👍❤❤❤
Literally my ex and I. I went and got healed and became different due to our last break up and just the shame and fingers pointed at me. She contacted me almost a couple years after… I changed so it’s not hard to think others do to… but no as soon as it was locked In she flipped and I was so confused. This time is was WORSE than ever before, eyes filled with evil
Thanking God for healing and these videos. Even thinking about it all, about them no longer hurts. Now can not wait for the day when I see the DARVOing & subsequent ghosting as a gift.
I know deep inside, once I see a narcissistic trait… I will leave… Babyeeee hahaha
🎉🎉🎉
Everyone has times where they may come across with a single narcissistic trait. You need to see it consistent and multiple traits at the same time.
Coz I fought a lot, just to make him stop demeaning and insulting me every chance he got. 😭😭😭
To go for a new supply, devaluing couldn't go further and the final discard was absolutely brutal. Ended up robbed of everything with no legal means of recourse. Ended up in jail and while in her and her family took everything and did a smear campaign so well that I cannot even see my own son.
I hope one day i can actually thank him for leaving...
They also break up with you out of insecurities for their ego and also out of manipulation, control. They feel their losing control over you
Mostly shame guilt and having plenty of supply is and not giving them what they want
She said that I'll never find someone else 😅
Damn that’s so messed up im so sorry
Finding yourself after a narcissistic relationship is more of a reward than finding someone else.
Living well and having fun is the best revenge. She never will.
It's interesting they say these mean unnecessary things - and spoken like they are a wise seer!
I've had several mean female friends who said if I dump them, I'll have no friends.
I never said back what I was thinking: that it would be nicer to have no friends than having them in my life. I had zero interest in any unnecessary argument, I just wanted out with minimum fuss.
It is interesting how these sick people will tell you, "you'll never find someone to love you like I do".
True, but a younger partner is also a ton of trouble for the narcissist. So, they'll come back. At least for a good complaining session. On a beautiful Friday, when dinner is already cooking, and I know I won't have to wake up early the next day and listen to the drill sergeant's yelling - metaphorically speaking - the phone will buzz, then again, and again, from an unknown number, because I've banned, deleted, blocked, muted the previous eight, and they'll spout the usual nonsense and ask for some outrageous favor. If only it didn't happen like this, but it will, it always does.
I said goodbye first they dont like that and i couldn't give a flying f.. .
I love your purple chair. 😊. I’ve stopped giving him supply……. What I wonder will be next? He’s getting sympathy playing the victim I think to family
Omg, you just made everything make sense! My heart is so heavy
All he cared about was flirting/sex/porn and every and any aspect of it. He did not care where or who he got it from. He didn't end it at first; he would distance a bit when trying to entice new supply then when that was done he reemerged with a fraction of the love bombing that he initially started with. Things would go well for a bit and then distance again. I didn't realize what he was doing at first because I had in my mind all of that Venus/Mars stuff that talks about a "man being like a rubber band and it is normal for a man to distance then come back." Since he felt he was getting away with it he got more blatant about it, we fought of course and he admitted to just keeping me around if others didn't work out. I distanced myself from him and stopped all contact. He didn't seem to mind as he was involved with about 5 women at the time.
I would question and hold boundaries around my ex narc friend and when they were abusive to others I also would get involved and try to stop it. I held him accountable while everyone else would do whatever he asked and if/when he yelled at them they would be silenced or cry. He almost got physical with me at times when I would hold a basic healthy boundary and he would slam/throw things around me when arguing. I tried so hard to make it work and they left me as a friend because I held boundaires. I kept making excuses for his behavior because he said he had intense childhood trauma and bipolar. I have cptsd so I empathized with his trauma and kept giving too many chances. Later he then did a smear campaign against me while also trying to hoover me back, I didn't go back. I've seen how my ex narc friend constantly remakes the same friend groups (he has discarded so many people) while they are always the center of it. They all have roles in the friend group, like I did. And if you don't play the role to his liking, you are out. His friends also always work for him in some way. He is only friends with who he can exploit. I am happy, like many here, to have escaped all that and am in a better place in my life now. I have gone through intensive therapy for it for years and that has really helped me along with these videos. Thank you for them, they are incredibly important and helpful.
I read several books about narcissism, I saw all your video incl Sam Vaknin.
I can say out loud that my ex Gianluca Sanna is one!
He has a body but nobody is living in it. Empty.
Thanks to these info I feel completely over him. Releases him for good!
Thank you so much Dr. Romani. Decided to finally call my husband's bluff and divorce him. He kept telling me.he wants a divorce but never went through. I filed for the divorced.
A group of students did something terrible the professor found out and was so upset about it as he was pacing around thinking of a punishment one student yelled forgive them. That student was given 15 minutes to pack his belongings and never come back.
For many years I didn't know what the student did wrong until I started watching these videos. Thank you Dr Ramani.
I know its not relevant, but you look wonderful. Beautiful hair!❤
This was healing to hear thank you.
For those whose first love was music: after reading about the mythological tale of narcissus - with varying authors’ story lines all ending with him turning into a daffodil (scientific name = narcissus) - i’m wondering whether the cranberries song “daffodil lament” could be about achieving freedom from a narcissistic relationship. I love when the melody changes from melancholic to this simple childlike happy tune and the lyrics go “I have decided to leave you forever, I have decided to start things from here…”
Yes you CAN. All that pain which carved a big hole inside of you, has given you so much more capacity to be filled with heavenly joy.
Great topic!
Thank you Dr Ramani. You saved me from a narcissistic person (a assumed he was). We weren't together long (not even a year) but after two-three months of being together planed already to get married (😂). But something was wrong (I had a gut feeling from almost the beginning but ignored it). Then 5-6 months into the relationship I came across your channel - everything made sense. Listen to a lot of your videos and decided that he has to break up with me ( I've already tried a few times - he just ignored what I was saying). I will just mention it that we already lived together. I gave up to that point most of my lines / boundaries. So started to take them back. It was really bad. We fought all the time. Thank God (!) I also got sick. He broke up with me. I was heartbroken because I really loved him (the love bombing faze was like heaven) but I knew it is for better. He tried a few times to get bach together. Each time he tried I remained him that he was the one who broke up with me. After 6-8 months - I stopped hearing from him😁
And just to let you all know I was very hard- two years later I am still sick (getting well) but I was worth not having him in my life.
God bless you Dr Ramani and you all.
I just got broken up w by a narcissist yesterday. She started a fight and I enforced my boundaries and held her accountable and she didn’t like it. She realized that I wasn’t gonna bow down to her and dipped immediately. She’s already getting w someone else, and she’ll do the same to him. I know I dodged a bullet, but it still hurts.