8 Mistakes You Cannot Afford To Make With A Narcissist
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 ก.ค. 2024
- If you are a loyal person who also prioritizes harmony, you're probably not inclined to think about the ways a narcissist can exploit you. Yet, as Dr. Les Carter describes, narcissists are on the prowl, seeking cues that embolden them in their efforts to dominate. But knowledge is power, and as you become aware of potential mistakes you might make, you can save yourself from heartache as you practice self care with extra measure.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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1. Don’t underestimate the hold that narcissism has on them
2. Don’t be fooled by the values they claim to share with you ‘chameleon’
3. Do not share personal information with narcissists
4. Don’t expect them to understand you
5. Don’t go into battle with them
6. Don’t underestimate their neediness
7. Don’t become financially dependent on them
8. Don’t assume you’ll be able to make them change - they’re committed to their pathology
Especially no 8
Thank you.
There's no fool like an old fool...🙏❤️
Thank you so much.
We're not always in a place we can watch & listen to a video.
I think it'd be considerate of anyone posting a video titled as a List, that list should be listed in the description. I often wonder if the content creators think they're 'missing out' on views by 'giving away' the list without you watching the video....🤷♂️
Then you have to scour the comments to find if someone has posted the 'list'.
@@flynigburrito - You are very welcome. I like to screen shot the lists for reference. If I’m one of the first to post, the list usually gets a lot of views… there’s a ‘most viewed’ selection in the upper right hand corner. (Have 1500+ views in one! 😉) Think the creators want/need advertising dollars to help create the videos; camera, microphone, etc. so the full version needs to be viewed by most. Personally, I’d go for shorter (5-7 mins) with less intros, chat about other ‘offerings’ & deal with 1 brief ad. To each his own.
In my opinion, psychiatric hospitals are filled with the victims of narcissists, not of narcissists. They really ruin someone's life.
Oh, your opinion is probably true to some degree.Those that don’t end up there probably feel they’re toeing the edge of it.
If someone or a group of ppl, a family of ppl etc comment more than one person (several) that’s been in their sphere is “crazy” and the entire group plays the he or she was or is crazy ?
DO NOT IGNORE that huge neon red flag. Same for just one man or one woman claiming every single ex was “crazy” and has little of anything good to say about ANY of their exes.
It’s the same dynamic single or group and you’ll soon find out why multiple ppl were “crazy” if you stick around long enough.
Jail s and prisons full 🙏🏽🙌🙏🏽🙌
Affirmed. I attempted suicide at age 19 because I dreaded getting yet another round of criticism and humiliation from my narc patent. Was in the psych ward under observation for 48 hours, whenI got back home they didn't even bother to ask me where I'd been.
You people are so right on! I've been a victim of this as well it has taken me about 2 years to heal from the evil narcissistic woman I was with. I was fooled from the start by this person!
Yes, I agree 100% with you on that . The only thing I disagree with those hospitals is they think something is wrong with you and put you back in the situation again plus put you on medication. Medication is not the answer at all.
I married a narc. It never got better. It only got worse. Don't waste your energy.
okay, i have all this energy i am saving.....now what?
Hi some guy. How do you know when to invest your time?
Been there... Done that... You're absolutely correct! Complete waste of time, energy, and resources. Soul sucking individuals. Completely DISGUSTING!!! 😝😔😢
@@tikitiki7610 spend it with someone thats not a jerkoff
Easier said than done.
But also, identifying that's what it is helps a lot, but is also the hardest part.
"They are committed to their Pathology." LOL
As the years pass they will try to reinvent themselves into something else. Changing their snake skin into a new one. They might dress, speak, and act differently. But don't be fooled, they'll do the same thing they did to you then again, given the opportunity.
@@observationsincars5083 so, so true. they have skins they grow each year. they aspire to be perceived to a better self. The operative word being perceived. They don’t want to be better. They simply want to be perceived as better. Perception is their reality and substance is sham.
I’m talking to one now I really don’t understand how a person goes out of their way to start a relationship when they know they’ll never be able to commit
@@trustme7660 hmmm ... not being able to commit, I don't think makes a narc. I'm sure there has to be more than that.
They’re a pathological BS machine without brakes. Self loyalty is Your survivor key!
Seasoned divorce lawyer here. Vet very carefully for a very long time BEFORE asking someone to marry you or accepting their marriage proposal. I have seen so many people have their lives wrecked by trying to divorce their narcissistic spouse. Stay safe out there. Trust your gut!
Too late.
Me too
We're trying to "divorce" our narc neighbours but they refuse to cooperate with a problem with the deeds leaving us unable to sell our house until Land Registry corrects the deeds. This has taken over a year so far! They have us in the golden handcuffs and there is nothing we can do but wait. If we weren't financially secure we could be in dire straits but they don't care, they would like nothing more than to see us penniless and living on the streets. They are pure evil.
🙏🏽🙌🙏🏽🙌🙏🏽🙌✊🏽✊🏽
Indeed👍 (vet thoroughly & carefully)
I wish I had learned all of this 20+ years ago - it would have saved our family so much heartache.
The sad thing about this treatment by narcissists is that is has always existed, but our ancestors just tolerated and accepted it, as though it was a fact of life. The phrase "til death do us part" should be totally eliminated from marriage vows, because it's a locked door that traps a victim of abuse. Then add to that the religious stance of accepting the bad with the good, no matter what. SCREW THAT
@@SteeleMagnolia I understand. Sadly it doesn’t only exist with spouses, but also with adult children, which is an even harder bond to break.
Same. It is something I am working on in counseling -- trying not to feel guilt about 'lost time'. It is one of the side-effects of dealing with a narcissist for so long --- you forget about all of your joy and good times. Hold onto that.
@@tribblegirl2 take good care of yourself and remember that you are only responsible for your feelings. We can’t change anyone else. You are worthy! The future can be a healthy one.
Me too!! But like they say, better late, than never. Of course, narcissistic people don't think there is anything wrong. So when you start putting up resistance, set boundaries, and not being a target, they won't understand why, what happened, and why your no longer, the docile, easily, manipulated victim. So satisfying in every way!!!
Never underestimate the narc. That advice can actually save your life.
Absolutely!!!Especially when they have psychotic outbursts without warning ⚠️! GET OUT!
Yeah, as if we knew What we were dealing with! ... But, going Foreward. Good 👍 Point!
The Additional • PAIN • Hatred • Revenge and • Punishment, ... you'll be SWAMPED with! At, every Turn.
With vile, vindictive viciousness.
My narcissistic friend is finally moving out ending a 3 year nightmare. A covert narcissist, she was undetected until a year later when nothing made her happy no matter what I did. She used me as a scapegoat to maintain an illlusion that someone (me) was “hurting her”. Apparently, she feeds on sympathy from her close family (flying monkies). I’m sooooooo glad the charade is over and empathize with everyone going through this.
It is like living in an opposite reality. DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender". It is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.
Coverts bathe in sympathy hoping it'll last.
You get shoehorned by manipulation into their false narrative so ur damned if you do, damned if you don't and that's how they keep you on eggshells!
That's my sister you've just described! Make sure she stops her harassment after moving out because my sister doesn't... Sorry to sound pessimistic and congratulations! 🍀🌈🌠
CONGRATULATIONS!
💪 🥂 👏
6:23 I completely agree with point #5 about not going into battle with a narcissist. There's something called *reactive abuse* the sooner you learn about it, the sooner you realise how the narcissist will flip the script on you to make you look like the abuser and not them. It sounds ridiculous, but it's a fact and many people have lost a great deal because of it.
Wise advice
Yes reactive abuse is real and can be deadly.
Thanks.. Do you have any links you could please share regarding reactive abuse?
I have a restraining order against me now. Had seen her once in years and it wasn’t a threatening interaction. Everything she ever said was a lie. Through two bouts of cancer and my parents dying I could not get her to be decent no matter how much I pleaded. Now I have this ridiculous order against me the irony being I’m one if not the only partner she’s had that wasn’t abusive on drugs or stealing from her.
I really did think I could change her which she definitely encouraged me to believe.
All wonderful points to consider! May I add, be very wary of a sudden "remorseful" tone in the narcissist, especially if you have confronted them on their actions. Not only will they pretend to "do better in the future" but they will certainly not forget that you were the one who called them out. Tread lightly.
Yeah. And when they say "I've changed" RUN.
“I promise” lol 😂
Oh yes!!! Someone said they don't retreat, they reload. They never give up a grudge, never.
Also be aware of the narcissistic cry, they can turn on the waterworks at the drop of a hat, it’s never sincere. It’s a form of manipulation to make to you to feel sorry for them. I tell you the tears won’t be dry before they revert back to their old tricks.
@@Kelly-oe8kr So right! To see a tough guy narcissist turn on the tears for a sympathy play is just disturbing. Unfortunately it works in getting their flying monkey brigade.
This is a great list. I'll add another mistake to avoid, don't rationalize their invalidating speech and behavior to yourself, instead exercise your self trust and your good brain.
/w\PunkROCK/w\
That’s a very important one for me and I’m sure a lot of you! Thanks!
And don't explain to them why you are leaving? They will talk you out of it..or turn in around ..anyway it will just take more energy and you gave enough already. It's in your hands and whose gonna take care of you? You Are! You are going to take care of you and say " you obviously don't need to change and I don't need to explain myself"
@@mimiboucher5701 Right on!!!! I love it!!! Thank you!!!
Welllll put👏🏼👍🏼
I’m sure I have made more than 8 mistakes, but the one I consistently made was thinking I could get him to look at my point of view.
Your point doesn't hv any value its their point which they enforce on u, mine was the biggest narcissist, 20yrs we lived and tried all yrs to change him, I was loser
Wow. This was what I struggled with during my 8 year relationship with the Narc. He always wanted me to understand his point of view with his false accusations but he never wanted to see the reality of my point of view. So draining and heartbreaking.
I’m so glad you finally realized he is who he is and will never change. After I went no contact, he emailed me twice. On subject said I Love You, and the second one said I don’t want to have any regrets. Notice the first word, and that tells you everything. I never opened those emails, so I have no idea what the Hoover was going to be this time, but I don’t care. That was 2 years ago, and he’s not finished. He contacted my son last week to tell his side of the story. My son cut him off, but I now I have to keep my guard up because it will never be over.
I have fought my narcissist my entire life to be me. Any attempt to be me as an individual, from my choice to start a family of my own, my jobs, my home, my pets, my spiritual beliefs. I have had to "defend" myself, my personality, everything about me for so long that I automatically become defensive anytime anyone challenges what I believe.
It's exhausting trying to always not betray who I am to keep peace.
I never understood why my own parent felt the need to ridicule and belittle every single thing about me.
I shouldn't have to buckle over on myself, hide and disregard my values and beliefs to appease my parent.
Now that I'm a middle aged woman with two adult children of my own I will no longer tolerate this bully mentality.
I was always the new kid in school. Because of the way I looked, talked and dressed I was bullied and teased from 1st grade until I dropped out my sophomore year of high school. When I dropped out I had assumed the bullying would stop. Then my parent took up the hunt, relentlessly. Until I was having panic attacks at the thought of them coming into my home.
Every holiday was an anxiety filled attack on my character. This person literally ruined every event I invited them to until I finally started limiting contact to a few times a year.
As I pulled away the abuse became overt, involved family, and the rage filled tirades against me began to wear me thin.
When I was 13 my parent told me, "I didn't want any more kids when I had you. You trapped me in a horrible, loveless marriage. I would have had an abortion but they were dangerous. "
This would be a poignant description of our entire relationship. I wasn't wanted. Her kids tortured her by being born and she is determined to punish me the rest of my life because I exist.
Now I've gone no contact. Blocked nearly my entire family and it's time I seek professional help.
I'm done being her whipping post, scapegoat and Outcast. I'm stronger than I've ever been and I have too much respect for my mind to ever return to my own family.
I want nothing to do with any of them.
I do TOTALLY UNDERSTAND!!
My narcissistic mother informed me and my younger brother ALL THE TIME THAT:
“I never wanted to have any kids!! I only had you because of your father!!”
Like: WTF?!!???
Beth
Let go! You must love and affirm yourself. Train yourself to ignore those who have treated you disrespectfully and unlovingly. I’ve been there too and I consulted a certified pastoral counselor and applied his/her advice throughout the years. This aided me to take steps which certainly led to significant improvements in those negative relationships. My life (84 y/o) is now mine and peaceful. Better late than never.
They want you to kick it back at them so they can turn it around and make themselves the victim.
Great tips! I did all of these unfortunately. But now I am free and rebuilding my life 😀❤. Go TEAM HEALTHY!!!
Great for you! It's the best thing in the world when you break free from the cycle of fear, shame, and anger that they try trapping you in to break you down. I broke free from it too. I cry tears of joy now. And I'm in a place of radical acceptance. Go team healthy 🙏🏽
@@thecommunity1102 Congratulations!!!! 👏🎊💐🥳. Now we can actually live. All the best to you ❤
A narcissist will not change because they don't want to do that. They usually love the way they are. Thank God I have always had my own income, bought my own home and have always been one that says "God bless the child that has his own". I even have my own retirement savings. To God be the Glory.
Learned that CONTROLLING IS NOT CARING
When they're your parents there's no escaping making these eight mistakes over and over your whole adult life.
Yes, you can stop making these mistakes with your parents. Knowledge is power my friend. But first you need to convince yourself that you are worth the effort.
@Arsene Lupin III I nurture my inner misanthrope... But despite my best efforts, there are a few people out there that make it difficult. The problem is that there are so many that make it so damn easy.
When I was in college the was a saying--Scratch a cynic... and find an idealist. I think the same is true of misanthropes. Good luck my friend. I regret not having met you.
I've made the mistake of oversharing in the past and yes, they definitely collect data. Also, when you're asked to give an example of something derogatory that they've said or done to you, you're accused of being 'petty' or 'living in the past'. Especially if you've had to wait for them to calm down. I went no contact years ago also learning to spot a narc and not engage. 👍
@R. P. Definitely don't blame yourself. Similar happened to me. They try and make you believe that they're on the same wavelength. My ex, at a function with friends, cut me down to size before the event in such a way it was hard to participate. I was quiet. Not only that he tried to mirror my personality in an attempt to be life and soul of the party. Luckily my real friends noticed and instead of feeling inferior I was supported. Definitely not stupid. Take care and continue growing 🙏
I relate. Every time I have tried to "make nice" the narc pulls out her dossier of data and tries to use it as a weapon. I get pulled into a conversation because she decided "this has gone on long enough ." "THIS," being my going no contact. She and her flying monkeys accuse me of 'being petty," or "holding on to grudges." They say, "it's time to "let this GO" because they make it seem to everyone else that I am "punishing them with the silent treatment" because I want drama." By ignoring the narc, I'm "creating drama," in their flying monkey brains. It never occurs to them how unhealthy it is to continue to engage with such a being. I figured out a while ago she hates and targets me because she has a boring, sneaky personality and I am the social butterfly. She detests me getting ANY attention or having any fun, or BEING the "fun, cool girl." Naturally, I just make a habit of having even more fun when she's around. By deciding to dance at a wedding, when the dance floor is full of guests, "I am drawing attention to myself." She just sits there and glares. She walked out FUMING when I knew all the line dances at a wedding and was out there having a blast with the younger people. We had a blast! I was never allowed to just exist with my personality without paying for it. The next wedding I go to, in May, I PROMISE to be the happy, pink cloud of fun energy and love and become a gray rock to her. I actually say in my head, the quote from the cartoon "Wonder Twins," "In the form of...a GRAY ROCK!" before conversing with her. Most of my "conversation" is my replying, "Yes. No. Oh. That's interesting, Cool, shoulder shrug, and So what?" I usually end up looking at her for a few seconds, blinking, as if I were an alien from another planet observing her, head tilt, and walk away. I act like I see someone else I want to talk to and just say, "Excuse me," and leave the conversation. I spend my emotional energy on people worth my time and attention. I am a lovely, warm and engaging person. I know, because after 8 years of mostly no-contact, other people I encounter TELL me how I make them feel. That I am kind, and a "beautiful person." Those are things I FELT inside but never heard from anyone until I got away from my dysfunctional, toxic, narcissistic family. There is freedom having as little to do with them as possible. Funerals and weddings are really it. These videos and the sharing from other people have really helped me heal and pick up some tools on how to deal with a narcissist.
@@amandaliverpool3374 making you believe "you are on the same wavelength" is HOW they hook us. I 100% agree. Indifference is the best. I actually pretend that she is some random person from the commuter train that happens to be sitting at the table with me. I am not rude, but there's not much reason to have a conversation. Anything I do say is superficial and impersonal, because I don't KNOW that person. I even pretend she speaks Chinese or something and we can't really "communicate, ." so what would be the use? Afterall, It's the host's job to entertain her. We are SO not on the same wavelength...THANK GOD! LOL
@@rain3743 I hope you break free from your narc and continue to heal and grow🙏
@R. P. Right on- do not blame yourself. I too have had to learn with the next narc encounter. Sad but Real to not just be able to be Authentic.
Yes DO NOT go into battle with them. They will hit below the belt and resort to unscrupulous measures that you will not be able to match. It will put you at a disadvantage.
That's an excellent point. We have consciences and that doesn't allow us to go to the places they will in trying to control and then destroy us.
Agree 💯%. I'm still recovering from this abuse by my ex. The lies that he had to tell to get others to believe he is a victim, of his own doings, is just beyond what I could have ever expected. I still have no idea what I've been accused of by him, because his flying monkeys, two of our sons, won't even talk to me. This man should be in prison for the psychological torture he has subjected me too. What has to happen before he pays?
Leave the payments to God. In time, if one is focussed on the healthy path, and develops the right kind of strength, He will make things beautiful.
if they want to battle with you they can do so whether you ignore, accept, or respond. you cannot control them by being nice to them and not battling with them. they control all.
The idea is not to control them but to restructure one's own life.
Thank you so much dear Dr. Carter for your contribution to mental and emotional healthcare in a world full of sick people. Love your videos! 🙏🏼🕊
This is great! Will listen to it time and time again!!! Thank You!!!
My mom… I forget now and then to keep my guard up. She’ll die this way and I’ve spent years of my life trying to keep my guard up.
It makes me sick being around her.
She pretends to care, but only to manipulate or get something from me. Disgusting.
The biggest mistake you can make with a narcissist is to not prepare for the discard when you decide to challenge them. See a lawyer, get your affairs in order and know where the money is and make your own copies! Have your own file folder with all the information! Be ready! It surely worked for me! He never knew what hit him!
100%!! So lucky the one's that discover a name for what's be happening and have time to learn from these videos how to PREPARE and protect ur rights and especially children involved!
I had to do that with a sibling who refused to show me our deceased parent's will. This forced me to contact an attorney in order to view it. Since that day he has never spoken one word to me. In my opinion that is extremely strange behavior.
Thanks, I'm in the process!
@@butterflygirl2285 yep, guilty behavior
@@lifewithapurpose237 You are probably right. I just assumed he was mad that I was challenging him, and felt hurt.
I wholeheartedly agree with #5. Do not go into battle with them. I fought with my narcissist mother for decades. It solved nothing, made me stressed/angry, and seemed to give her some perverse pleasure. My life improved exponentially for the better once I just cut her off completely and did not engaged at all. Yeah, I took some heat from her flying monkeys at first, but I cut them all off too. More peace.
Good for you! You have yourself back....and peace ☮️🕊️🌿!
We have the same mother because this has been my experience as well (I call her mother because she wasn't a mom).
@@jonnuanez7183 Same here. Hard lesson that DNA or birthing a person does not make a mother. Especially when you were a small child on the receiving end.
I was with a narcissist and I would frequently mirror his behavior back to him just to show him how he was. But all he wanted to do was say that I was vengeful but I was never vengeful I just wanted him to see himself
That illustrates my point that you don't want to let the narcissist set your pace. Be your healthiest version of yourself, even (especially) when you're in the presence of a jerk. Dr. C
My takeaway from this video today: they aren't going to change so it's up to me to make all the adjustments. That's super important... thanks very much!
I think of pretty much every conversation I tried to have with the narcissist as like beating my head against a brick wall.
They are on a mission to destroy your happiness. Sad.
Thank you for this. As I usually say, I wish I had known this 40 years ago. My whole life would have changed but I wouldn’t have my son and daughter. I have already used this information and it has made my life so much better. Thank you.
I hear you sister. Very thankful that I have a fantastic and very supportive son and daughter. Getting geared up to get away after 30 years. Tried to twice before but he said “no” and i was too depressed to fight it. This time I’ll get free 😊 Blessings to you and yours
I left the narcissist I was married to I moved to a small town. When he came around I couldn't tell him anything or anyone I talked to. All of the eight things you are saying is right on. They want to tell you what to do and when. They want to tell you how to spend money. You have to stand your ground. They want control over everything. They do not to lose it. When he lost control he committed suicide. He went through so many people over time there was no one. Don't let a narcissist feel important for that is what they want. They want to be number one. You can't live without them in their mind.
The golden handcuffs..." Better is a meal of herbs where there is love... Than feasting where there is corruption !!!
Absolutely wonderful advice. In essence what I’m hearing is….. treat anybody that is new in your life as if they are Narcissist until they have proven themselves otherwise.
Great advice! 👍
I feel like it's more about noticing red flags, and actually taking those warning signs seriously
No, that’s not a healthy way to live. Most people are not narcissists. This advice is for dealing with a life that is being cut up and darkened by a narcissist who is already in your life. Live love and trust until people prove themselves otherwise. Narcissists are the ones who trust and live no one. Don’t live that way.
Great idea!!!
I would never advise that. And the good Dr. never mentioned that. I think it better to not ignore the red flags. Trust your better judgement and don’t talk yourself out of what your gut is telling you.
Thank you for this! Watching a raging narcissist invade another country unprovoked is maddening. Praying for Ukraine and for humanity.
Same here.
Same. 💛💙
What I couldn,t understand was my daughter is a perfect example, I still have cognitive dissonance and still struggle with the realization that she will never change, which means that I must keep up a constant guard against my own child, God help me.
Bingo
The number one mistake that you cannot afford to make and yet we have all made... trusting the narcissist.
Making mistakes is human, we all make them and often time suffer harsh consequences for it. The key to growth and happiness in life is to learn from our mistakes and come back stronger.
We all have the power to do this, no matter how hard it might seem at first.
In his previous video, he said the best defense against a Narcacist is impeccable character. I wish it was true. Narcacist lie so deviously that it makes no difference.
People actually want to believe the smear campaign of someone with good reputation. They think “I knew it was too good to be true.”
Omg you are right
Very good liars and manipulators. Bad talk you to other people, hopefully others realize there are always to sides. And never share personal information, they will twist it and use it against you. And they cannot keep information private. Terrible repercussions to trust a narcissist!
@@stephanieo222 You know what people say when you you give them your side? They will say, "well, there are two sides to every story." You know the answer?
Yes. There are two sides to every story. There is the truth side and there is the lie side. Then you show them proof.
Even then people don't want to admit they've been duped -- especially the medical professionals. They have to defend a false psychiatric diagnosis, which they never will.
After going through a battle of wits just like this for my mother in-law who the narc had committed, they still don't believe. She is old. She does have a few idiosyncratic ideas especially about God. But she's been that way since I've known her. We wanted the medications stopped.
His answer after we refuted every allegation "you have an answer to everything." That's true - we do!!!
True! Once you realize what your up against with the narc, stay resilient, aware and constantly lookout for the red flags.
Do not go into battle with them, but don't forget you are! They are naturally game on 24/7, especially if it is not going their way. It's who they are.
Gus is a valuable member of Team Healthy.
Once you hear enough of these videos you recognize narcissistic behavior. It's fairly prevalent and quite distressing. I guess as long as we can shrug them off, but knowing how they think it's difficult to be around them at all. So it really ruins life...they can't be trusted at all. Remember the song about backstabbers? That's narcissism.
Limp Bizkit?
The trouble with this good advice is that by the time you realize you're in relationship with a Narcissist, this advice is too little too late! Please focus on how to avoid Narcissists so no relationship develops
Once you've seen and heard enough examples from this community you will be like a keen eyed hawk, finely tuned to spot narcissistic traits and even test for them in new relationships! Get ur TH-cam NPD degree!!
Right, I get what you mean. If someone had told me in my youth to stay away from people who constantly encroach upon your boundaries. Stay away from people who harvest info from you in what appears like a friendly way but soon after they're using what you've told them against you. Also, don't play onto their games. I've since learned and I have the rest of my life to spend it in peace doing my own thing, but there are some real evil spirits out here looking for their next victim to trap into a cycle of pain.
Exactly!
Agreed... In my situation my dearly evil biological mother got a nick name. My NOTher.
Anyone else feel like a narcissist sometimes? Like, I'm always trying to get what's going on and then I start thinking like my ex. It settles in and I have to constantly tell myself to stop. This isn't me. Four kids and now he's taking me to court on anything and everything after a 5 year DVRO. DEFINITELY EVIL. He only wants to control and destroy... I can see it now. Only took 20 years.
You're a f**king failure! And likely a narcissist IRL (NPD; little to 0% grey-matter in brain)!
Since it took 20 years to identify a SOCIOPATH / EVIL-CREATURE that says a lot about YOU, yourself! And you've been having s*x with it too boot! F**king an emotionally-diseased creature for 20+years!
The more virtuous and righteous (healthy and clean) a person's soul and PSYCHOLOGY is, the more diseased, and OBVIOUS the derangement becomes!
You like have a PATHOLOGICAL DISREGARD for REALITY and TRUTH! Classic narcissist or complicit-codependent psychology right there! Why else would you/they over look EVIL traits! They can hardly identify diseased-animosity (psychosis), because you likely have that too and still think it's normal!
So self-centered you could hardly compare yourself to others correctly, and notice that they have a clean, good soul and mind! A narcissist/evil creature hates the 'purity' and light that they see in others and seek to violate or destroy it! You have "Cain's madness" (narcissitic personality disorder)!
Demons like that are the root of all evil, their pathological disregard for sanity destroys people's minds!
Meg, having been married to a narc I understand the fear that some of their ways rubbed off on us. Stay with Team Healthy and seek professional help if you feel the need. It can only help.
I'm in a split up now, pregnant even. It's easy to feel like that when you have to subdue your natural way of being just to protect yourself. Stay strong.
@@Human_01 I'm really sorry to say this; but that was not a very compassionate, kind and loving thing to say to someone who is truly suffering and genuinely striving to know the truth; that too in such an incredible platform that places a high regard for human dignity!
You probably owe an apology to both Meg and Dr. Carter ...
@@Human_01 wow, what an selfish and insecure loser you must be to come at a complete stranger like that in a positive and supportive forum like this. Where’d you even come from? Obviously one of the cowardly, ignorant, angry sociopathic narcissists that go places they’re not welcome and insult innocent people, just because they’re nasty little children that need to justify their ignorant and depraved minds. Just another weak little evil creature projecting itself onto others, nothing more.
Thank you Dr Carter. I so appreciate your calm, sane voice and presence in your presentation. It is so helpful.
I agree, and don't forget Gus!
@@pattyeludwig1522 Hooray for Gus !
Excellent content. Spot on. I do feel sometimes listening to your content that it is a bit like Closing the barn after the horse has gotten out. When i was going through my travails, I had no clue. It is all so very clear now. I wish there was a way that I might have been introduced to this subject before decades of misery.
I made a big mistake thinking I could set a boundry by explaining nicely that its unecessary to scream my name, especially so much! I am so grateful for all Ive learned from Dr.C❣❣❣
These are soul sucking leaches, like Chinese finger traps and quick sand. They are not human and not to be trusted. Anything that is opened to them will be used against you
@@patrickglaser1560 LOL I can't imagine the motivation behind that. What if your company here's this ? How will you explain? Haha. Spooky
Setting boundaries means going through with the consequences when those are broken. No consequences - no reaction, they will only push that button more now that they know it’s important to you, but you won’t follow through on your threats of repercussions.
@@jasonsneeden5934 oh yeah not giving any ammo is #1…, but barring that…..
The only time my N husband say my name is when he’s trying to insult me he’s say it in derogatory manner. that’s the only time I ever hear my name as he wants to say something horribly nasty to me. Because I’m supposed to be a extension of him and I don’t Exist .
Its hard for me to bite my tongue when the narc is trying to push my buttons or provoke me. I get so mad and discusted at whats coming out of its lying mouth, I unload and allow the evil snake to get to me. I need to learn how to not allow that, but its hard to set back and let him make up all kinds of lies and abusive remarks about me. My temper takes over.
That's normal want to defend yourself but you are dealing a person who is incapable of normal, rational conversation.
Sometimes, that's the way you start recognizing they're narcissists-- they use information against you! 🎯
The hardest mistake to overcome is to believe their made up stories. I found out after no contact that none of it was true. They are able to con even professional workers. They are great actors.
I have made every one of those mistakes except the financial one. I work and have my own money. I let him know he doesn't pay my bills and he is not allowed to tell me how to spend my money.
Thank you Les for your calm yet informative way of talking about this personality disorder. It is a very destructive personality trait and you manage to talk about it very professionally and get the point across that this is a person you run from and the faster the better. You also empower us to have the confidence to deal with these people very matter of factly and with purpose and direction. They do not care about you and will move on to someone else for their supply. Do not second guess this person. Les knows what he is talking about.
You get it! And thanks for the good vibes.
I made all those mistakes with my mother, not knowing about narcissism. Learning better ways now and finding freedom at last.
Michele- I made all those mistakes with a so called friend. She uses this personal intimate information as a weapon to control me. It's really awful. I feel so stupid for not knowing any better. I'm so sorry for the pain you've been thru. My mother is also a narcissist. Painful way to grow up. God bless you and everyone suffering from the pain inflicted upon you by a narcissist.
Yes, we ALL did and do but we grow everyday... stay UP!
@@jojospeechy4761 thanks, may He bless you too. Yes, I'm sure we all feel a bit stupid for having been fooled, but never mind, we can't undo the past, but we're learning to do better now. Peace and courage to you
@@THRASHMETALFUNRIFFS thanks. Yes, let's all stay out of the narcisist's pit of misery
Girl 💪🙌 we got this 🙏
I made the mistake of sharing a "sum of all fears" childhood experience with my narc spouse. Which he responded to at the time in a humane way. But within days, out of the blue he announced that I was just like the evil family member I had told him about. Later when I shared this experience with a therapist who was helping me through a serious operation from the hospital. She literally shuttered because what I, the cold and withholding wife was telling her didn't match up with her initial assessment of my husband being the loving and eternal companion. Narc's play it from all sides. And it rests with others if not all of us to suspend our judgements until we can determine whose the one behind the wheel and the one being served up as the "identified patient."
I found childhood psychopaths have something like instinct, it's a predatory package of getting the better of a person sharing not only a "sum of all fears" but anything you value, that they will then devalue to make you feel bad around them. This gives them power over you.
Your experience is much like mine. There are some really great people out there. Keep searching. Problem is the narcissists are growing on number. I'm counting them and trying to see how to live happily and avoid their games. So grateful for these videos
One mistake is _wanting_ to trust, love, be loyal. If those happen it's lucky. But if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen. Forcing it will only trauma bond you to the abuser; you justifying their behaviour. Be careful who you attach yourself to and who and what you _define_ as good.
I was shocked when “my” narcissist made fun of me and used some “personal information” against me. Sad too that I now feel like I never knew them “personally,” but my reason for wanting to know them “deeper” was to be able to understand them and be more compassionate to them. So sad.
Dr. Carter, I've recently come across your videos. You're a God send. I'm nowhere close to healing, but starting to educate myself about narcissism ( thanks to you) is providing some relief. It's not my fault😢.
You're why I do the videos, Jojo. Glad to be on the journey with you. Dr. C
I started looking for answers about 2 yrs ago when I felt extremely confused and totally crazy. I just wanted to share with you some of the other TH-cam channels that have also been very helpful for me.
- Dr. Brad Shore @ Ask a shrink
-Dr. Ramani
-Common ego
-Jay Reid -recovery from narcissistic abuse
I hope you find this helpful. I know for me I needed and still need to have a lot of different perspectives from different people at different stages of life. No shade on Dr Carter because I absolutely love him and Dr Carter is the reason I sought out online therapy. So thank Dr Carter for everything you do to help us heal. I'm still stuck in it but hopefully be fully healed one day.
I hope you find this helpful
@@SurvivingNarcissism Bless you and thank you.
@@The_green_zebra That's very thoughtful. I deeply appreciate your referrals and kind words. Bless you.
Yes I have also just found your videos...I am so encouraged by the videos and comments..I am an only child of a narcisst father who is financially dependant on my husband and I. He does not contribute financially at all but rules the house and makes all of us prisoners in our own home..at the moment there is no way out but just listening to the videos gives me courage to carry on and to cope in the best way possible..thank you Dr Carter and Gus
Their standard is they're important and I'm not.
When she is around me I am filled with self doubt . I have realised this now because she isn't here anymore and I have stopped doubting myself so much . The combat scars are still there but I am healing now .
Blame-shifting, blame-shifting, BLAME-SHIFTING. They are MASTERS of taking something they did wrong and somehow turning around until it was "your" fault. They are never wrong; it's always everyone else. What a deranged way to be.
One thing I still don’t get is if they are so needy and will use you for supply, why do they do everything to repel anyone who tries to get close to them?
One day a narc told me she had a prison in her head. This video is accurate many thanks.
I'm going to make a short list of these to keep right by my side everytime I have to email my ex about our kids. Thank you. So true,so difficult, but so doable with effort.
I just did that too (a short list). I heard the advice "consider the source" and it registered with me. The manipulation, confusion, reality denial, and gaslighting can destabilize you so much that your brain is so hazy and easily directed by stimuli. I wrote a short list of things that I have experienced from the "source/s" of the stimuli.
1. Intimidation
2. Shame and blame
3. Complete ambiguity of "signs" (took me a loooooonnnnnggg time to realize that one. If a true intention to communicate a clear message were intended with the stimuli then it wouldn't be left to "decode" without a decryption, in a sea of interpretative possibilities, all within a denied reality. No. It was never a message or sign meant to be honestly communicated by abuser/s or else it would have come in a non-confusing, non-ambiguous form. It would have been clearly communicated.
4. Confusion
5. Gaslighting
6. Threats
7. Reality denial
8. Manipulation
9. Coercion
10. Dehumanization
11. Cruelty and lack of empathy
12. Seeds of despair and desolation
I have had to do this writing myself a note to remind me of what I dealing with.
Spot on. Luckily for us, we have you to educate us.
. Knowledge is power to help us cope with these wolves in sheep’s clothing. The only way to win with them is not to play the game.
Man, I've made the #4 mistake so many times, and I still find it incredible that they don't ever understand, or even show any sign that they want to understand. And I've worked so hard to be as clear as possible.
I have made all of these mistakes with my soon to be ex husband. I'm looking forward to working on myself to find peace. Thank you Dr C for this list. It keeps my eyes open and reminds me that I am doing the right thing now.
Congrats i left 4 years ago I became critical ill last year he used thst to try get back, it ended by me having to tell my chrildren I could not , I never left him come back but he made a great effort so I just pulled back the chrildren know now I won't change, I'm well again and happy so don't give in a little bit uv gotcthis
True about not crossing a narc: Trying to reveal them to others will set the narc off completely! And the people you're trying to warn likely won't believe you because they've been ensnared by the skilled manipulator (who have probably already turned people against you, in private!)
You can cross a narcisst they don't like to be exposed for what they are
Bullys cowards, and I find a punch to the throat works wonders
I worked since I refused to beg my parents for clothes and school supplies. Worked well as an adult because I don't give a damn who anyone is, no one can ever say they made or broke me with their presence.
/w\BAMM/w\
²mistake to assume that i could actually please them in *their* "goals for me". ³mistake ...
The narc gains power when you lose it. This is a lesson I have recently learnt in the last 3 weeks and believe
me it pays dividends. I have spent countless hours in my life sticking up for my self, my truth, my beliefs & more,
where did it get me, absolutely nowhere and fast, all getting angry did for me was get me mad, anxious etc but
most of all, I was essentually digging my own grave with my narc mother, she'd answer the phone, it would be
my name that was brought up in conversation & how it was I who instigated the fight, the usual smear tactics
by the narc to simply get more people on board that will ultimately side with that narc. Now your not only up
against the narc but you've not made any friends either, even though it was the narc that pushed your buttons
just to get you in that (standing up for your self) rage, the whole thing is a trap that has your name on it.
So don't wrestle with pigs, you'll only get dirty, and besides, they love it.
Yep. You hit the nail on the head.
@@thecommunity1102 I'm very much at the 1st Grade Level myself with learning about this narc parent/scapegoat misery, but thanks to you Kind Sir I am learning all about their Hocus Pokus in more ways than one, just being in the know has become a life saver for me. Talking of nails, we've had some very severe weather of late here in the UK, 100mph winds blew down 50% of my narc mothers garden fences, "What are we going to do about it" she said, what she really meant was, what am I going to do about it. Knowing I could be in for a dog rough time if I didn't bother, out came the spade, concrete mixer, hammer & nails, 8 man hours later it was job done. I received Thank You's from the neighbors but not even an acknowledgment from my narc mother & yet she can't thank my 3 younger siblings (all golden children) enough when they help out. Manners, they don't cost anything but I've learnt to think NO COMMENT when it's NO APPRECIATION that's being dished out.
Kind Regards.
The financial abuse is something! I am disabled and moved home after my marriage ended. My malignant narcissist mother helped me financially in the beginning. Last year, she got upset because I chose to wear a mask during Covid to a family wedding. Now, I’m homeless because I stood up for my health and insisted on keeping my mask on.
What is your disability? Are you being treated for it? Do you have a caseworker ( not that they're all that helpful much of the time, but they can be ).
Living is the best revenge!
That witch !!!
@@bobtaylor170 I am under doctors care but I have postponed starting treatment for one of my health issues until I am in a stable place where I can deal with side effects. I do not have any caseworker, but I am on 23 subsidized housing lists and am waiting.
It feels so weird to say sending you love and light while you're going through such a dark time. But I'm hoping that you keep your chin up while you go through this.
My god I'm so freaked out...the couple I rent from...when I first moved in 5 years ago I told them how grateful I was, having found an affordable place & for my cats, too.
They have flogged me with that ever since.
Every time I dare to ask for repair or whatever they 'throw me out'.
I never wanted him in my house but he had to do a repair & he eyed my catfood, commenting on how expensive canned catfood is...I never thought to hide it!
These 2 are emotionally & financially abusive & they have the other renter spying on me.
I'm 60...I feel like I'm having heart attacks...my legs are weak...I do what I can but they are seriously 'entitled' & consider laws a joke.
This area is predominantly narcissistic & no help/support anywhere.
No one takes cats bc there's no respect for the property of others up here...none for animals either for the most part...I'm so stupid I cannot believe I did this to myself.
These two aren't genius level but hey they've been manipulating others their entire lives...they're older than me.
If not for my cats I would gtf off this orb...people are changing, narcissism is considered acceptable behavior.
I'm trying to develop detachment.
Fast.
Ps...I love Gus! My kitties snore too it's so sweet!
They are always trolling for compliments!
If you kick someone because they kicked you, they will just kick back harder and hurt you more. But if you tell them to stop and walk away they won’t hurt you worse for retaliation.
The new video coming in 2 days runs parallel with what you say here. Dr. C
Nothing deters them. A two by four wouldn't even help. They can talk their way out of a wet paper sack, but have no common sense at all. Trusting the Almighty takes us out of a situation with several of these narcs in close priximity. Can't even sit outside, open the windows, or garden. Looking to move, but isn't looking good right now. Tired of always having to give up what is mine to get away from these morons.
@@brg2743 I realized I worded it badly. I didn't mean tell them to walk away. I meant we walk away after telling them to stop
You didn't word it poorly. That is not what I have experienced from them. I am at wits end with these jerks and property lines. Nothing deters them. Niceness means they can do as they please so we have unplugged.
i've learned that if an NPD wants to battle with you, he'll find a way. The victim doesn't always have a choice to not get into battle with them. NPDs, with the help of others near them, can cause great harm to you even while you're walking away or have been away for decades. They'll hurt who you love. You don't have to be next to them to experience that kind of pain. You don't have to get into a battle with them for them to do that.
I already made some very big mistakes and was robbed blind! Never trust a narcissist!😊
What do we do with our compassion and sympathy for our narcissist? It's imperative to keep ourselves safe, of course, but I can't help but think how horrible it must be to live life as a narcissist. I know she's never really relaxed, never feels safe, never feels like people love her. I suppose I can have compassion, in my heart, but still put vigilance and self-care first.
The best thing you can do for a nutty narc is prayer. We can't change them even in the littlest way. God can change them but ONLY if the nutty narc let's God in. Very rare
Thank God for Social Security, enabling people to escape the familial flying monkeys. Thank you also, Dr. Carter. Now one year in on my recovery with you and other Narcissism educators here on TH-cam and with my priorities realigned to worship no one but God, I am thriving as I did long ago when I was younger. No more icky dread sapping all my strength, I am even moving back out into the working world. Thank you so much for your comforting, healing presence!
I cannot begin to describe how helpful these videos are. I listen to them often and find Dr. Carter’s analysis and advice right on. It has helped me deal with so much recently that I had begun to fear was my destiny. I now realize, one’s own journey is always in one’s hands. Thank you Dr. Carter!
Being nice and polite: compliant: just walking into a trap!
My logic to the narcissist : Hey, it's your world, I'm just visiting
The one time I didn't try to defend myself during one of her explosive tirades, and just said "I have to leave" and walked out, she actually called me a couple days later, apologizing. Unbelievable. The only time in many years. That's what I need to work on, just walk out.
Do you have kids?
It’s the only way just walk away then their left standing there holding the bag I love when he try’s to bait me and I say that’s nice and he falls flat on his face!
My ex used to say I was weak for walking away and pretty much anything to try to make me stay and argue. Sometimes she would chase, in public would always try to get passerbys to take her side. Always was enabled by my friends who were only interested in keeping her happy so she would continue to waste money buying drinks for EVERYBODY in her attempts to 'make people like her' luckily our son has lived with me for the last 13 years after she had a serious borderline personality episode that changed everything.
One definitely have to manage self care when it comes to the narcissist. Before I even started probing into the whole narcissistic narrative, I found myself at the discard phase. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I was being subjected to it at all. I then tried to figure him out and find him wanting. I knew he was wearing a mask. No amount of reasoning can change the pathology of a narc. A friend who's a therapist told me to just leave and so I did. What a callous vampire!
so very much wish i had kept my mouth shut about EVERYTHING!!!!!!!
You're not boring, Gus falls asleep to the calming, relaxing sound of your voice. Like a lullaby, lol
Every last sentence of this video has fit my experience. It is a disturbing, aha-moment, discovery, wakeup call, emergence into the truth of the situation. When the lights get turned on it's a genuine surprise to see what kind of odd behaviour can be uncovered.
Look forward too. It's been a week and a half now. With no contact. Alot of stuff happened in my closest family. Split us in different ways. I have watched other videos that helped this past week. Very thankful. I've been a fighter and spiritual warrior all my life. Not giving up. Moving forwards into light. Love. Happiness. Joy and Freedom. Keep moving through the tears that heal. Healing my heart.
Me too. After 15 months I am so much stronger and at peace most of the time. However I have to place my trust in God every day and educate myself every day. I owe it to me and my other love ones. Stay strong.
@@gail1645 yes. Reconnecting with my creator has been helpful in all of this. (Not that I ever put too much distance between us). I have been washed over with peace. It's only been a few months for me but I already see the light. It's good vibes all 2022.
Yes. Society tries to diminish the act of crying but it's such a wonderful thing. It really helps you to heal. I haven't cried in a minute but I think I'm going to carve out time to really let the tears flow. Cleanse, heal, move forward. It's good vibes all 2022. Narcs try to trap you in a cycle of shame, rage, and fear. I'm glad you're breaking from that cycle. Be free.
I'm dealing with actors who are used to deceiving the public into believing their role.
You’re right but difficult when they are involving police and making false claims against you
Well then you have to do and say something
@@aliceroberts1980 I have for 8 years. The gang have 2 ex coppers telling them how to report. Police just won’t listen to me. In fact they accuse me of stuff I haven’t done too.
@@jasonsneeden5934 I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through. 8 years I’ve had this, police won’t help nor legal, just doesn’t stop
@@aliceroberts1980 police want me to go over everything again. I just can’t any more, I just can’t physically vocalise it all, I can’t go back over it again and again especially when they say they can’t help as I go into a deep depression and more
Not to change subjects or topics on here, but I just wanted to drop in and share with everyone on here that having a morning coffee, tea, and or hot cocoa while watching and listening to Dr Carter is my new favorite way to start my day ☕🌞🙂
I’m struggling this morning with my narcs abuse. But I’m having a satisfying coffee, at least that’s soothing! God bless.
Glad to get this feedback! Dr. C
@Surviving Narcissism Yes sir!!! I always look forward to seeing more as time goes on, and going back and re watching some older ones as well.
@Char Minsky I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through, but throughout times after watching and listening to these videos I want to ensure you that you will get through what's happening with you in the midst of that narc abuse. Like Dr C says, knowledge is power, know what you're dealing with, practice self care, and get the help that you need 🙏🤝👍☮
We know that all is right with his world if Gus is asleep on the chair or the couch. It is not boredom, it is trust and safety that he feels enough to keep a watch on to see that you are safe and happy. Those ears do not miss a beat even when asleep in appearances are in effect.
My beastie is the same and she can snore up a storm as well. I miss Gus when he is not visible. He amused me all through 2020 and on through the rest of the fest of the last two years. [tongue in cheek words for sure]
That new haircut!!!
He ruined me financially in less than 3 years . Im destitute now. No job, no car, live on soc sec, live in govt housing. Now i have to start over and im 62. He din't want to settle down anywhere . He wanted to go to Oregon and move into a shelter. I put my boundaries up and moved out.
I don’t even know how they can be so evil and get away with it all they never pay for what they do to people
Be sure to be careful of psychiatrists, I have found long term treatment centers and psychiatrists are not always on team healthy.
About anger and assertiveness and not to do battle with them. I find that hard to not do. I used to be a sweet kind girl. But horrific and hellish life ordeals made me this way..
The mistake of thinking you can save them rings true. Not interested in that anymore. I can't change anyone... But on the other hand they have a saviour complex also. To obey and comply.
Mention of being resolute. Trying to not attract that into my life. But then it is hitting close to home. Oh well if the family units shattered to pieces.
Ending the trauma bonding.
My Dad is turning 70 & treated me like shit all my life. At 51, I've gray rocked my dad most of my life. He clearly doesn't have a clue!
I recently let go of a couple people, one had been in my life for years, the other was more recent, because finally I realized I was being used to give them praise and accolades and attention. As long as I was praising them, giving compliments, all was well, but when I gave some constructive criticism or needed consideration for me, I was all of a sudden verbally attacked by these people.
I get golden nuggets of wisdom and insight with every one of Dr. C’s videos. 🙂
Yah they totally work the financial dependence angle. That was the number one thing that kept me stuck for so long, esp with the main ones. The “parents.”
I was raised by a covert narcissistic mother, codependent father. Left that abusive environment at 18 out of pure self-preservation. At 22 I married a narc. husband, was able to get out after 15 yrs. Twenty- eighth years later my oldest son in an abusive relationship with a narc young woman, and is talking marriage. I have been on a healing journey for several yrs. and have pointed the abuse to my son to no avail. I am deeply saddened by the harsh reality that I may lose my son to this situation because I don’t feel safe around his girlfriend, It hurts so very much to see him being abused, I don’t have the energy for more trauma and drama, and care too much about my psychological safety.
Thank you Dr. C for all your valuable guidance and information.
in relation to my experience: ¹mistake was to assume they wanted better for themselves [you know like change for the better / heal from their past]. ²mistake ....
My malignant narc neighbour mistook my helpfulness when she moved in as a weakness she would totally exploit and dominate. When I distanced myself from her relentless attentions, she set about slandering me to anyone who would listen. She then launched into trying to bait reactions from me by slamming doors, dragging furniture and spraying odours into my unit. One day (after 3 years of this) I reacted - utterly fed up and couldn't-care-less. Big mistake. I'm now labelled a 'bully' and get all sorts of sneers and glares in the neighbourhood. She has done a real job on me. Depressing - but a learning experience none-the-less. (*sigh*)
Yes, any "experience" with a narc is DEFINATELY a "learning experience". What I've learned from being married to one, and now divorcing - there is no "low" too low for them, and that evil TRUELY does exist in them as they are soulless entities pretending to be human! 😝😔
Neighbors who go along with the barc are just as bad. Their small opinion means nothing. They're stupid.
I wish I knew this information before I wasted a decade in a sham marriage with a narcissist.
Thank goodness I have this information now!
Thanks, Dr. C!
One thing I’ve learned is : Always let the narc speak 1st, because they will display their options & thoughts on things - then when their finished ( like after an hour or so ) then say I don’t see it that way or I see things differently. OMG, they do not know what to do. Usually they say - I got to go now or there’s complete silence. It trips them out because they think they have you all figured out. It works every time.
They make me sick. I don't know what to do.