Key for recovering from a N.: => Listen to yourself => Pay attention to your gut => Your inner voice can tell you, "Be careful. There is something wrong." External red flags: 1. Personal disclosures are just gripe sessions 2. Finding fault in others - and you will be next 3. Extra friendly, but with hooks 4. Poor listeners 5. Their problems are never their fault 6. Thin skinned, easily defensive 7. Constantly gives unsolicited advices 8. "What have you done for me lately"- mentality 9. Extremes in time management 10. Undertow of irritability, annoyance, frustration Internal red flags: 1. You are behaving out of character; different than you would normally do. 2. You feel some kind of obsession. 3. Lack of sleep (exhausting) 4. Inability to focus (no more space for other things) 5. Self-doubt (rationalizing) 6. Flash-backs of ex-relationships 7. You begin to shrink 8. You always feel guilty Be aware: -> N. is all about winning -> N. only care as you are useful -> N. is threatened by your confidence Dr Carter 👴 and Gus 🐶 thanks a lot for another insightful lesson.
you never LIVED until you met Cousin " IDIOT WIND" Windy D- invites herself- stays late& " helps' bycreating RIFTS& gossip & CHAOS -where ever she goes,..TOXIC Windy.
The whole country needs to hear this. Two problems: 1. half of us won’t accept we were duped by a narcissist and 2. The narcissist won’t leave us all alone.
Paper Mario I totally agree with you about the first point, because a lot of people state that there were NO red flags at all for months or years and were healthy individuals, with no past or present trauma issues, when they were manipulated! I realise that some narcissistic individuals are extremely good actors, yet there are one or two signs with most and intuition always knows, which healthy people would listen to. It's a fact that some people aren't susceptible to narcissistic mind games, because they DO take notice of their intuition and have very strong boundaries, along with other self-protective behaviours. It doesn't help when popular narcissism experts (not Dr Carter) tell their followers that ANYONE can get caught up with them for a long time, which doesn't seem right. However, I've noticed that many people welcome that perspective, because they prefer to believe that it had nothing to do with them and that narcissistic types only go after confident and happy people, in order to break them down. Well, I definitely didn't fit that description when I met any of my exes and I'm not ashamed to admit it either! Another important point is that a lot of people don't want to be on their own, which is understandable and I know what that's like too. I realise that it can be hard to admit to being taken in, yet I totally understand how it all happened with me and have compassion for the person who looked for love in the only places I knew where to find it at the time. 😥
@@cyndigooch1162 The love bombing is what got me. The red flags were very apparent, I "chose" to ignore them. But as Jerry said, we choose a narcissist to work on unresolved childhood trauma. Extremely painful to go through and accept, but a necessary step to see that it was me who chose my fate, not the narcissist.
Dr. Carter's view about the pawn to be used and the friendliness shown as a way of controlling us, reminded me of this TH-cam video: Pierre and Cottage Cheese | Pink Panther Cartoons | The Inspector. We have to copy that line into TH-cam search and watch this Imperial French origin cartoon. Of course America had opposed European imperialism and these today might appear somewhat dated as 'Tom & Jerry' to the younger of viewers. These are certainly going to appear like ideas from the grave, their creators all dead long since.
@@song8777No. Just this particularly recent one. Yes, most of them display narcissistic traits, but this particular politician is the poster child for NPD.
I said yes when I filed for my divorce in 2016 after eleven years of misery. I'm now living my best life. I never want to date or marry again! I thank God every day for the peace I now have. 😊
"Unsolicited advice" is also their sneaky way of violating your boundaries. They insinuate themselves into your business by catching you off guard with "advice" so that you'll respond to what they're saying and reveal your thoughts. Best practice is to keep your business as private as possible. Zip lips around narcs!
@@innerpilgrim4160 Well said about unsolicited advice. I agree wholeheartedly. Their "advice" reveals they're judging you as inferior and unable to think your way through whatever the situation is. But they also want to see you react defensively to their intrusion, reassuring themselves they still have some measure of control over you. Going no contact is great if possible. Good for you that there will soon be serious distance between you and the crazy torturer!
By definition, “unsolicited” is advice one did not ask for. If it comes from a narcissist, one can be sure that the motivation behind it has nothing to do with helping. Conversely, genuinely caring people just want to share the benefit of their experience. They do not mean that one is incapable or intend to criticize. Am I missing something in the definition?
@@snowy4282 The context is narrowly in reference to unsolicited advice given by a narcissist to someone they want to influence or control. Therefore, our discussion in this thread regards the "nothing to do with helping" sort.
Listen very carefully when a problem is discussed with a narcissist. They will always, always, always blame someone else. They never take responsibility for anything unless it reflects something good that happened. The undercurrent of irritability is very noticeable, pay attention. Never ever ignore your gut reactions, you will regret it if you don’t listen to your gut. #lessonslearnedthehardway
So true! I thought our family narcissist would change. After painting himself into a corner, losing supporting parents, no savings, no income, no home, and still no desire to work or take advice from those who could help, he STILL blames his situation and problems on family members. He and only he is correct and living honorably; the rest of the world is awful.
That “gut thing” is EVERYTHING. THE BODY KNOWS! If I had listened to what my instinct was responding to, I could have saved myself a world of trouble. But unfortunately, it was apparently a deep lesson I NEEDED to learn. Lesson learned. . . THE HARD WAY.
After 30 years of marriage the counselor told my ex narc to list the good qualities he saw in me. Lol. It took him a month and he wrote down 3. Hung them on the fridge too where he kept them for me to continually see for months. He constantly told me how horrible of a person I was when I would stand up to him. Told me in so many words I was a lousy mother and my kids won’t want anything to do with me. Told me so many ugly things. Never an apology. Never “I was wrong “. Would just then be “just get over it”. “Have to forgive “. Then act like nothing happened. Geez. So many wasted years. After almost 2 years it’s still a very difficult healing road.
I’ve done 40 years😩Dr Carter really opened my mind to what was really going on ❗️I’m no pushover but it does become draining😩our best defence is what the DR said take care or ourselves 🙏blessings💕
Kim, Thirty eight year's for me. I was violently discarded five years ago this day. The ex husband could not own his own stuff After marriage, I had $10 to spend on myself. The ex husband argued for two & half hour 's over 0.35¢ .
My narcissist displayed every one of the red flags mentioned. My friends and I packed 13 years worth of my belongings and I left him 3 months ago. I moved 3 times in two months to avoid him and because I did not disclose my whereabouts and no one I knew would disclose my whereabouts, I truly believe he followed me or had me followed from work. I came home from a short errand one day to find a handwritten note from him on my front porch. I have since filed a restraining order. I pray the judge makes this temporary restraining order permanent. Court hearing is Monday.
Thank you Dr Carter ☀️. Listening to my inner voice was trained out of me as a child, but if ONE of us can recover from this abuse, we ALL can. 🙏 ☮️ ❤️ 🐕
It took me 2 years No-contact to feel free and whole. I have no bitterness in my heart, and rarely even think about the N. In my life. I will ever go back. I should have made my decision many years earlier.
You may always have times you think about the narcissist. You miss the mask. Not the person behind it. That's kind of hard to wrap your head around. But it's true. When I found out what I was really dealing with I went no contact. That was 24 years ago. You cannot change them. However, without them you are free to be yourself. Stay on team healthy! Thanks Dr C!!!
Tru I keep telling myself that just wish he was the person that he faked like he was bc it was nice but it was just a mask, and now that I am rejecting him he won't leave me alone.
@@destinyegu1572 If you are speaking to the original post.... I couldn't tell you if he has changed now. In 1995 I hadn't been in town for five or so years when I re-approached him hoping to find humanity in him. I got covertly and overtly bit for looking. I've been no contact since 1998.
Progress not perfection. We've shown so much empathy toward others who repay it with contempt, now we have to start by showing empathy toward ourselves.
yes....jerry wise gave a wonderful word of advice....only give empathy to those who give (sincere) empathy to others.....avoiding toxic empathy.... that was so helpful to me....
I think the key to recovering from a narcissist is to emotionally work your way all the way through the grief cycle. When we can’t get past the “anger” phase, this is what attracts even MORE narcissists to us. They have a sixth sense in hooking into damaged people. Once we can work through every stage of grieving and arrive at “acceptance” (that bad people exist in the world and our sense of boundary-less fairness and empathy opened an emotional door to them that should have remained shut), then we can forgive ourselves and close that chapter of our lives. We have had to learn the very painful lesson that not everyone can be trusted with our open and caring nature and this has to be reserved ONLY for people who have earned our trust over a very long and careful period of time. While we see being kind and caring as being very positive, narcissists and psychopaths see it as sucker bait. We have to accept that this is reality and not ever again give ourselves away to any people who can’t or won’t reciprocate.
Yes the grief over the realization everything was fake, including the dreams for the future. That often gets missed by those focused on being angry at the bad behaviour.
Thank you... Those words feel very true and real to me. It can help so much just to see it written down like that. I needed to be reminded of the fact that it is hard self-work, but it is possible to heal!
I wanted to focus on the hurt Narc had strewn all along the way! You are right abt taking responsibility for focus on sickness rather than focusing on freedom from that selfishness. Thanks. It is a personal choice to move on- even after years. I hope this makes sense to anyone else…
It takes time to heal from narcissist abuse because they don’t only break your heart, but spirit also. 💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
They are demonically infused...Literally. Therefore your only chance for survival is to shut them down completely. Close the doors on every level. They are being assisted by Satan.
You are right. When my son stood up to our narc, I told him I used to have spirit too ! Now I am the proverbial grey rock. No matter what i do my narc finds something to verbally beat me over the head with every day. I need to leave badly but we own a business together and I feel bad for the employees. I’m empath through and through, even making pathetic excuses for the disgusting behavior I’ve had to witness. It gets worse with age by the way.
I experiencing an incredible pain in my leg over the last year while I was involved with the care of my sister. X-ay and MRI showed Nothing wrong with my leg. While talking with my Physical Therapist, the subject of psychosomatic illness came up.. As we talked and I told of my past year taking care of my sister, and the most recent hurt that happened to me. My pain began to go away. I did finish my therapy and decided that I had to step away from my sister. The pain has not returned.
Just said a prayer for everyone that has come to this channel and is struggling and healing. We’re all in this together and I pray you all find more happiness and love than you can handle and the only thing you take from the pain is growth and healing. My heart goes out to every single one of you.
The torture and suffering was not worth it for me anymore and I exited that abusive world. It was a fake, disrespectful and invalidating. Even when I communicated that they are hurting me, they just don't care. Healing was painful and scary but I found light and space. Thank you for being part of my recovery journey, Dr. Carter and Gus!
You can do 100 things for them... barely acknowledged... but if they do one thing for you ... you will hear about it for years... it was absolutely ridiculous... totally obtuse... the whole experience with the narcissist was crazy-making and seemed to run in the family DNA I swear... his mother was even crazier... the happiest day of my life is when I got away....
Sad indeed😔"...some unique men still see their married wife as servant..." in this modern age🥺many thanks for highlighting it Dr. C., please take care Dr. C., Gus and Team Healthy🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
To recover, one must first leave. After years of preparing to buy a house to leave, the Real Estate Market here sells houses with bad foundations, roofs, collapsing floors & undesirable neighborhoods for $125K. I have never seen like it. It leaves retirees no choice. How sad to be trapped when I have worked for 2 years to release myself from this entrapment.
You bring up an excellent point few are addressing. The real estate market shift is a devastating blow to abuse victims. Many have had to resort to living out of their vehicles just to save themselves.
My insight the other day: Why should I let someone who is unable to love define my self-worth??? This insight feels like a new, fresh breeze ... I have been in a relationship for four years, inwhich I feel as if my partner has gotten "licence to wound" That is to say: I have gradually given it to him. It feels like a blessing to leave it, but also very, very hard... Presently I get help from listening to a music album called: Songs for the inner child. In one of the songs, this question is being asked: "How could anyone ever tell you, you were anything less than beautiful?" It is a song by Libby Roderick and for me, it is therapeutic and deeply healing. I am wishing everyone here a good healing process
Absolutely right!! Keep up your hard work!! Remember that our job on earth is to let our love of ourselves be perfect. For only then can we be of any use to anyone else!
"I wish I had been more attuned my own wellbeing" Understatement of the century!!! 60+ years of narcissistic abuse--wicked bad!! Now at peace--Dr. Carter is a gift from God!!
It is so refreshing that you always end your videos by saying "you become a person of peace". I've always wanted that in my life, but to no surprise, "peace" to my narcissistic SO was so boring. She openly criticized me for not wanting to engage her in 15 rounds of arguments and word salad. It is truly sad and pathetic to know that she would rather prefer having arguments and fights over living in peace.... just to feel alive. thanks, Dr. C.
"Stay with me baby, dont give up now!" "No, stop listening to those voices, it's not your fault" "Please, I need you here, to believe that tomorrow is just around the corner" Please. I've lost so much already.😢😭😭😭
I'm just starting my journey to healing. I am in a 37 year marriage to a vulnerable narcissist, who is now disabled. I want to find myself again. I'm definitely grieving all that I have lost.
I worked for someone who fit this description to a tee, constantly tearing everyone down- eventually including me. She made me feel like trash, and I finally quit. I just wish I had done so sooner.
There is one important skill to acquire, apart from the vital virtue of self-control. That is: the skill of being CIVIL, POLITE whilst standing up for one's own position. It takes focus and practice. But it is one of the most useful shields in one's armoury.
"I wish I had of been more committed to my own well being..." Finally, there is is, put into words, what I have been feeling and not being able to put into words well, and it can be so strange.. And maybe I didn't want to say it, maybe. Thanks, Dr. Carter. ❤ ( My abuser was seriously trying to get me to commit suicide or something ..) just saying.. The experience, was for sure hell on earth. So glad to be free. Happiness is coming back. Slowly. The old me, who I used to be, damaged but good, is coming back slowly. Prayer warriors, let's pray for all victims of complex trauma and all victims of cluster B abuse. 🎉
I'm 49 years old and over the past year I've woken up to a deep seated problem of narcissism in my family. It really is such a difficult situation to identify, especially if the narcissist is a master at concealing their behaviour and have convinced everyone around them that they are a good person. My father (now passed) and 2 elder siblings are absolutely toxic, never do anything wrong, constantly belittling and criticising you, everyone else around them is a problem, look how good I am and how much I've achieved, look at how much of a problem you are........the list goes on and on and on and on and on. I'm the youngest of 5 siblings, my next eldest sister up from me, both of us have been to numerous counselling sessions (not together) for dealing with depression/anxiety/ no confidence etc, and neither of us have known what the heck is the cause. It's only recently that we've come across this subject of narcissism and can now spot it in the family (major red flags everywhere), especially with specific individuals. With being the youngest, we've been bullied and crushed in so many ways, sometimes subtly and most times not so subtly, by these narcissists, all of our lives, from young children all the way up to present day. Both of us are about to set out on a journey of recovery, and it seems like a momentous task because the abusive relationships we've had with the narcissists in our family has been going on for so long, for so long we've not been able to see the forest for the trees, we don't know where to begin. Personally I feel the only immediate solution to begin recovery is to push these narcissists out of our lives, not to allow them any input or influence over us in any shape or form, because they are very good at drawing you back in to business as usual. Narcissists are extremely dangerous people, like they are being controlled by a devil inside of them. The narcissists in my family are diabolical, very toxic and convincing people. I pray we can both heal from this and move on and leave these people behind us. Thank you for sharing this video.
Healthy people listen to themselves. Ive found people who have early relational trauma or neglect are targets for narcs. They have not been taught to listen to themselves, or have learnt to dismiss themselves, or get punished for having their own experience or were never validated. Its about as tragic as can be to have this early pain and then having this pain attract the narc. Ive found embodiment/somatic work and inner child work has been helpful.
They seem more focused on the other person losing or at least appearing better than them than winning. It is like they get off on causing pain to others? The win-win scenario doesn't seem to exist to them.
I’am starting to feel full recovery from narc peeps, almost inviting their nonsense, as they no longer can have any AFFECT on me!! I find it clarifying to finally NOW feel and have that separation. No one can hurt me.
The whole world needs to know that people suffer because of narcisists that in my experience... drains my mind and causes depression. Narcissists are very skilled at manipulating emotions and other people to the point that the target/s feels cornered in a daggered room with nowhere to go all because of envy and insecurities and a fear of feeling inferior because of whoever their target is. It is never pleasant. I never had a relationship yet because of narcs.
I only wish I had known all this prior to 5-1/2 years ago...the huge Red Flags were everywhere but I chose to ignore them...always thinking "I'm the one he's been waiting for all this time"..what a joke that was! I was just one in a long line of women who fell into his trap...it took a while but now I'm free...
My gut had 2 problems when I met my narcissist. The first was that my father was a narcissist, and I had an inner voice that told my gut to hush up, because pretty much everybody knew better than I did. The other was that I was desperately needy for love, attention, and support, but I didnt know it. Love-bombing can look like that if your narcissist is smart. Mine was very perceptive. Not perceptive enough, as it turned out, but it took me 38 years to get there.
My ex would brag about his talent for convincing people.. that was the first red flag. Our whole marriage was full of empty promises. Then came the emotional and verbal abuse. He found me at the worst point in my life so I was easy prey. I hope anyone going through this can break away and heal.
Please, if you / and your children are in a cruddy, eggshell war-like relationship, do all you can to get out. My best friend died this past July after 30yrs in a loveless marriage. She always said she wouldn't die like her own mother, and now her own daughter is in the loveless cycle.
When they're looking for what they want out of you, suddenly they become very GOOD at listening. They don't have hearing issues, they are limited in what they actually care about, and dishonest about why they're involved with you. They ALWAYS want from you, and they don't care about how their abuse affects you. I wasn't even 10 years old when I expected my mother to care that a neighbor was hunting me like an animal to molest, yet when anything I did displeased her, she got tons of "support" over it. She made family members choose AGAINST me, as her daughter, BECAUSE TO HER, THIS WAS "FOR" HER. AND THEN OF COURSE BLAMED ME, BECAUSE I DIDN'T APPRECIATE BEING USED AND ABUSED THAT WAY. She just wanted a pretty little doll to put on display. I wasn't supposed to make her life hard by actually needing someone to be a mother to me. Both she and our father traveled a lot and left us in the care of others. It wasn't until I was in my early thirties that she decided she had the time to be a mother (she didn't work, she traveled as a choice with our father, who by that time was retiring), and then she expected me to drop everything to come visit her. I told her I was busy (I was trying to go back to school for a difficult career change). Then she found someone to spy on me and report back. I didn't drop everything, including school to fly out to see her wonderful new place in Cabo.
Self trust. From childhood I was taught to ignore YET the craziness made no sense and I learned early to question authority. That may have saved my life and it has had a cost perhaps. And I will be forever grateful for the grace that urged me to notice nonsense.
There were red flags all around him right at the beginning. I knew he doesn't stand a chance. But he would not leave me alone. I had weak to no boundaries. I just went along with it waiting for the relationship to run its course . He discarded me and hoovered me back many times. I naively thought he figured out I am a good person that is why he was back and he is going to treat me good. He discarded me again, left me heart broken. this time I am determined to stay no contact despite the trauma bounding. The only way out of this narc trauma bound is walking through it .
Diversionary tactics. Keep yourself busy doing something else, especially for others. Stay focused. Sometimes it's 3 steps forward and 2 and a half back. It's progress non the less 😊
Yes! The problems the narcissist experiences are never THEIR fault! 🎯 They've got to blame somebody else! Dr C, you're so acurate about your analysis. Thank you!
They treat you like an object. Either you are their diamond or their door mat. Thus, your financial and social independency is key when dealing with them.
I am the wife of a man who has lived 50+ years with what he has described as 'mental rape' from a Narcissist Mother. She is still alive, has her co-dependent husband (his Father who enables everything with this disturbed woman). My husband has some narcissist traits himself and I think that is mainly normal as he grew up thinking his Mother's control and mental abuse was 'normal.' When I try to discuss ways to deal with his Mother and share my learnings from these videos, he gets very angry. He'd rather walk away and live in denial. My guess as to why he won't engage in the learning is that he believes he will tap in to areas deep inside himself that will reveal he is similar to her. Therefore, he won't engage. It is very troubling to me as I find it incredibly therapeutic and aligns with the growth mindset that I like to live. I'd hate to give up after 25 years of being together, but it isn't fair to suppress my feelings/opinions. Not hopeful for the future.
Its also called Emotional Incest. And that's too heavy for some people to face. But you're they are only half a person until they do. They have to find the courage and want it for themselves. You'll never love them enough to convince them.
I had a whole football stadium of red flags that I chose to ignore because of some screwed up parental conditioning that went along the lines of "you owe me" Ultimately my decency and kindness cost me dearly.
Dr. C, your insight was a big part of my early learning & healing journey. I started listening to you when I was still stuck and in a dangerous situation. I watched daily. With each video, I became wiser & stronger….until one day, I got the strength to leave. My health has soared and my peace has returned. Your courses are absolutely golden too. I just had to visit again and reiterate how calming, validating & supportive your in-depth presentations and caring heart are in the lives of those suffering. I am forever grateful for you! ❤ My daughter & I have a beautiful future ahead and you are one of our biggest heroes!
Wow, you’re bouncing back so well! I was married 16 years + unaware that I was being controlled. The children were 7, 5 and 2 when he revealed he’d been having an affair w/ an office protégé… yup, for 2years. It took me 3 yrs to realize I am BETTER OFF! Dr. Carter’s so kind, understanding, wise, encouraging + calm, right?! Like a father… it’s been 30 years now + I’m a happy camper. I still get fooled by the covert n’s now + then, but Dr. Carter, Gus + Dr. Ramani have taught me so much these last couple of years. The truth’s so INVIGORATING! Many thx to all for sharing, also!! We are a community of survivors…helping each other understand
I really need this. I was the family scapegoat and eleven of the family members put me through some miserable emotional warfare. Eight of those family members live within 5 minutes of us, and we can't uproot and move right now. We have tried going as "no contact" as we can, but it feels like every time I make some healing progress, one of them shows up at the same store, or my gym, my church, or on the same street as me. I'm in constant fear. The PTSD symptoms and depression are taking over, no matter what I try. I'm anxious to see what I can learn and apply from this video. Thank you, Dr. C. You have been a lifesaver. 🙏🏻
Ignore them. Reacting gives them your energy and empowers them. Fake it 'til you make it... Stop thinking of these people as "family..." and just as other people, if you will. That may help you to distance with strength. I also was the family scapegoat...but interesting, I was the strongest and the most aware. That's why we get targeted. Because we... Are the "Canary in the Coal mine."
@Eagleeye Absolutely right. That’s exactly why we’re targeted: because we see everything and call them out. They’re fake and subsequently more concerned with public perception/image than the content of their character. Curiously there are a number of them on these youtube commercial breaks, claiming to have all the answers
Was also the family scapegoat. I moved to another county. They never cared or contacted me anyway. I was the one who had to do all the work to have relationships. Once I stopped, there were no relationships. And that’s fine. All I’ve been through the last few years I’m good just staying to myself.
I'm in a similar situation and I can't move due to co-parenting with Nex. Riddled with anxiety when out, I've found wearing a hat and sunglasses (even in the rain!) reduces my anxiety as I don't have sudden unwanted eye contact. Poker face when walking away. Good luck x
I dated a man who had lost his 2nd wife to cancer. We dated for a few yrs and he wld always tell me, "my wife always apologized before we went to bed", bcuz she didn't believe in going to bed angry. I replied, "IF I need to apologize for something, I will, but I will NOT apologize to him "every night" like she did to appease him. He became accustomed to being "right" all the time and she bowed down to him for 30 yrs. He was accustomed to getting his way. Not anymore.
Boy did I need to hear this. The neighbour is a narc. He deliberately says things that he thinks might upset me. My best line of attack is to completely ignore him and fail to react. I have such an interesting life and there is no space for him. Dr c thanks so much for all you say. It’s pure gold.
“Why did I continue to get an argument with a jerk?” All of these questions keep coming up… Boy howdy, I can Second that remark.! I am in the aftermath and I am in no contact! No more nonsense Dr. C!🎉 🦋SURVIVOR🦋
Stuck in their ways! Haughty attitude mistaken for confidence. Have to be the center of attention. Dodged some abuse thanks to listening to your wisdom every day. Good therapy. Positive and non accusatory! Thank you Doctor!
Great advice Dr. C. The only problem with a narcissist is they are nothing inside but a guy living in a van down by the river. However, that guy living in a van down by the river has a lot more character than a narcissist.
May we all learn, heal and grow. I had to work a lot on myself in my recovery from NPD abuse and also learning how to respect other people's boundaries. Life is full of lessons.
Thank you for organizing the list, Dr. Carter, your calm voice and professional credentials make the terrifying chaos of Narcissistic abuse seem more manageable. I call their criticism the " Psycho-scope". Meaning they (narcs) put you under a crazy microscope, where they will surely see some flaw, crime, weakness, etc. or fabricate one. I have been psycho-scoped by my EXparents, EXsiblings, EXhusband, bosses and co-workers. The gut feeling is very real, the KNOWING of what is about to happen is the same. And you know what all of these Narcissists, usually have been in contact and are involved in nefarious businees dealings such as, identity theft, drug trafficking and/or grant fraud.
Wow. This is SO good! THANK YOU, Dr. Carter. I was groomed, growing up, to serve my parents and not pay any attention to my own feelings, observations, or needs. They made it their #1 priority that I have no pride at all, and that actually was kind of good for me, I think (people tell me I'm a genuinely humble person), but now I understand they did it to help themselves stay established as permanently my superiors and controllers, long past my reaching adulthood. Yuck.
I've been the scapegoat since childhood by my narc sister. She recently went off on a family group chat and as soon as an aunt tried to calm things down the narc asked why we couldn't just get over it as she did and then my dad sent a mass text to stop talking about this on a group chat. I was silenced again...but my husband didn't accept it and had a chat with other family in a calm manner and showed proof of my continuous abuse by her. Every single aunt and grandparents said they had no idea as it always had to be behind closed doors but they reached out to let me know they are sorry and support me and my boundaries and agree they also want to go no contact with her. I finally felt validated. None of them told me to get over it or blamed me. Went 25 years with this idea I'm the problem and nobody would back me up. Turned out they were also lied to but now have seen proof. Just someone saying I believe you and I support you was all I needed to end the fear and anxiety.
My family is old. I like u was the family scapegoat, and the extended family scapegoat on mother's side. My 3 siblings have been abusive and supportive of narc moms abuse since earliest memory. Dad was strong unaware enabler, set on rules. Anyway, just last month my sisters put 92yr old narc mom into a Nursing facility. I've been minimal contact with her for years, polite holiday greetings type thing. Haven't seen family since my father died 12yrs ago. So I called Mother at the home to see if she was OK, I don't trust the sisters, and spontaneously in her conversation she said in direct opposition to my life's script, " your sisters have never been fair or kind to you". I was shocked. I know she has lost some mental acuity, but why I share this is, I never realized until I heard it fr9m her mouth, how much I longed for that verbal validation of my life experience by my parents who watched and promoted this sibling abuse of me the scapegoat. So no I don't expect her to ever as a Narc acknowledge her own abuse, but this one spontaneous sentence, gave me solid ground versus therapeutic theory to move forward on. So I'm sorry you are in the scapegoat role, don't hope it changes, because it really doesn't, build on the relations with extended family who value you, and aren't part of the it's your fault game. Blessings to you.
@@joywebster2678 yes its the verbal validation from someone in the family. In fact both of my dad's sisters aren't surprised he's tried to keep me quiet but are mad that he has. He is very old fashioned and I also just found out he texted them and told them to stay out of it but they both told him no. I love my dad but he likes to ignore problems. I won't disrespect my father by calling him out...but turned out his sisters did it for me.
@@innerpilgrim4160 so that's a great point. I have called out my sister before and was told family is everything and she is my sister so I have to just accept thats how she is so I've always kept my mouth shut. After this happened I sent an email to my parents with all the symptoms of NPD and examples of how my sister fit every one. I sent text messages and emails as proof. After a few hours my parents called me and apologized while admitting that I was right and my feelings were valid and they see it too. They are going to do couples therapy to see how they should handle this. Interestingly, they confronted my sister with all these docs and proofs and she sat there with a smug look on her face and said yep I did that, according to my dad. My dad said it was like she had no remorse and just had a blank look on her face and didn't seem bothered by any of it.
Dr C. Your videos changed my life. They are a gift from God to help me from 40 years of pain. I am now free. I thank God for you. May He bless you and your family abundantly with love.
It seems to me that there are some distinctions regarding unsolicited advice. Some folks just talk about their own experiences and opinions without any critical intent; it isn’t coming from an unkind place and the recipient can take it or leave it. Some folks give advice because they think they are superior and have the notion that controlling others is just fine. My grandmother gave me lots of advice that I did not ask for. She was wise and never said an unkind word to me. In fact, she was the only person in my childhood and early adulthood that I could trust. Thank God for her guidance. She was a bright light in a very dark place.
Correct again. i saw but didn't understand back then nor did i ever know about narcissism. .... i saw all the strange behaviours but still didn't get it untill i am in deep shit.
When someone your with makes you think because something appears to be missing. It’s a sign ; your intuition is telling you that person is rigid, has a personality disorder. The same reactions to different things in life. Ask yourself how’s their judgment. Are they critical of others that will probably be you soon enough. Can’t explain why they are consistently irritated or angry.
That is extremely difficult for me due to my poor choices in choosing to marry both my abusive hijab and having 4 children altogether with them which of course as adults these unhealthy relationships have effected my children and caused some issues. And there were many red flag which I chose to ignore being the gullible and very naive person that I am😢
My husband (of 35 1/2 years) died on Nov. 11/22. His death was largely caused by the actions of a narcissist with signs of psychopathy and sociopathy! It's been really brutal dealing with everything!
Had to chuckle at "what have you done for me recently". First time I heard this, I replied with, what have you done EVER? No contact after that. It's been a nightmare of stalking, lying, etc,etc. My intuition kicked in too late. Spending time on my self. Forgiving yourself is hard. Thank You & Gus💯 Enjoy your trip. The best to you.
I am grateful for this video. I got burned big time by narcissist. Take-away for me: 1. Listen to YOURSELF and 2. Defend accusations of "you're selfish" with acting in your best self-interest.
It is amazing how someone can describe the action i have been put thru for 14 years and on point. I can almost go no contact. She`s often do projection to me and to the kids each day. As the days goes by you can really see what it is important to her and the kids are not on the list. She even blame the kids why she his alone when she his in the house. The kids are tired of the passive aggressive comments, devaluation and verbal abuse yet she blames me for everything.
I hope and pray everyone who comes on this channel still dealing with rumination/anger towards their former narc is healed before this year ends 🙏🏾🙌🏾
This is truly sweet but they left big holes behind. Acceptance has been achieved but those holes will never be filled.
@@Chris-dw7gq Powerful words! Thanks Chris. I needed this today. Blessings always.
In Jesus name I pray Amen
Thank you for that and I pray the same for you, if needed.
🙏🙏🙏
My gut told me something was wrong but I dismissed all of the red flags. I will not dismiss my gut feelings again.
I was second guessing myself for years. Now that I know how they operate, I really can't stand spending time with them. They are vile...
Key for recovering from a N.:
=> Listen to yourself
=> Pay attention to your gut
=> Your inner voice can tell you,
"Be careful. There is something wrong."
External red flags:
1. Personal disclosures are just gripe
sessions
2. Finding fault in others - and you will be
next
3. Extra friendly, but with hooks
4. Poor listeners
5. Their problems are never their fault
6. Thin skinned, easily defensive
7. Constantly gives unsolicited advices
8. "What have you done for me lately"-
mentality
9. Extremes in time management
10. Undertow of irritability, annoyance,
frustration
Internal red flags:
1. You are behaving out of character;
different than you would normally do.
2. You feel some kind of obsession.
3. Lack of sleep (exhausting)
4. Inability to focus (no more space for other things)
5. Self-doubt (rationalizing)
6. Flash-backs of ex-relationships
7. You begin to shrink
8. You always feel guilty
Be aware:
-> N. is all about winning
-> N. only care as you are useful
-> N. is threatened by your confidence
Dr Carter 👴 and Gus 🐶 thanks a lot for another insightful lesson.
So basically everything you don't do?
you never LIVED until you met Cousin " IDIOT WIND" Windy D- invites herself- stays late& " helps' bycreating RIFTS& gossip & CHAOS -where ever she goes,..TOXIC Windy.
Thanks for the highlights Roxy Movie 🥰
Thank you.
You're the best Roxy🧡💐🙏🥳👑 thank you so much for this
The whole country needs to hear this. Two problems: 1. half of us won’t accept we were duped by a narcissist and 2. The narcissist won’t leave us all alone.
Paper Mario I totally agree with you about the first point, because a lot of people state that there were NO red flags at all for months or years and were healthy individuals, with no past or present trauma issues, when they were manipulated!
I realise that some narcissistic individuals are extremely good actors, yet there are one or two signs with most and intuition always knows, which healthy people would listen to.
It's a fact that some people aren't susceptible to narcissistic mind games, because they DO take notice of their intuition and have very strong boundaries, along with other self-protective behaviours.
It doesn't help when popular narcissism experts (not Dr Carter) tell their followers that ANYONE can get caught up with them for a long time, which doesn't seem right.
However, I've noticed that many people welcome that perspective, because they prefer to believe that it had nothing to do with them and that narcissistic types only go after confident and happy people, in order to break them down.
Well, I definitely didn't fit that description when I met any of my exes and I'm not ashamed to admit it either!
Another important point is that a lot of people don't want to be on their own, which is understandable and I know what that's like too.
I realise that it can be hard to admit to being taken in, yet I totally understand how it all happened with me and have compassion for the person who looked for love in the only places I knew where to find it at the time. 😥
You mean every politician, ever? 😉
@@cyndigooch1162 The love bombing is what got me. The red flags were very apparent, I "chose" to ignore them. But as Jerry said, we choose a narcissist to work on unresolved childhood trauma. Extremely painful to go through and accept, but a necessary step to see that it was me who chose my fate, not the narcissist.
Dr. Carter's view about the pawn to be used and the friendliness shown as a way of controlling us, reminded me of this TH-cam video: Pierre and Cottage Cheese | Pink Panther Cartoons | The Inspector. We have to copy that line into TH-cam search and watch this Imperial French origin cartoon. Of course America had opposed European imperialism and these today might appear somewhat dated as 'Tom & Jerry' to the younger of viewers. These are certainly going to appear like ideas from the grave, their creators all dead long since.
@@song8777No. Just this particularly recent one. Yes, most of them display narcissistic traits, but this particular politician is the poster child for NPD.
I said yes when I filed for my divorce in 2016 after eleven years of misery. I'm now living my best life. I never want to date or marry again! I thank God every day for the peace I now have. 😊
"Unsolicited advice" is also their sneaky way of violating your boundaries. They insinuate themselves into your business by catching you off guard with "advice" so that you'll respond to what they're saying and reveal your thoughts. Best practice is to keep your business as private as possible. Zip lips around narcs!
Yes. They have multiple "fishing lures," don't they?
True, that. I try to remember to consider the source.
@@innerpilgrim4160 Well said about unsolicited advice. I agree wholeheartedly. Their "advice" reveals they're judging you as inferior and unable to think your way through whatever the situation is. But they also want to see you react defensively to their intrusion, reassuring themselves they still have some measure of control over you. Going no contact is great if possible. Good for you that there will soon be serious distance between you and the crazy torturer!
By definition, “unsolicited” is advice one did not ask for. If it comes from a narcissist, one can be sure that the motivation behind it has nothing to do with helping. Conversely, genuinely caring people just want to share the benefit of their experience. They do not mean that one is incapable or intend to criticize. Am I missing something in the definition?
@@snowy4282 The context is narrowly in reference to unsolicited advice given by a narcissist to someone they want to influence or control. Therefore, our discussion in this thread regards the "nothing to do with helping" sort.
Listen very carefully when a problem is discussed with a narcissist. They will always, always, always blame someone else. They never take responsibility for anything unless it reflects something good that happened. The undercurrent of irritability is very noticeable, pay attention. Never ever ignore your gut reactions, you will regret it if you don’t listen to your gut. #lessonslearnedthehardway
I just calculated velocity. Distance over Time.
That's excellent, Einstein!
🤣🤣🤣🤣
how funny aaron, that is what i share in support groups S=D/T
for recovery
Narcissists don't change! The only person you have the power to change is you. This helps reaffirm that. Thank you
So true! I thought our family narcissist would change. After painting himself into a corner, losing supporting parents, no savings, no income, no home, and still no desire to work or take advice from those who could help, he STILL blames his situation and problems on family members. He and only he is correct and living honorably; the rest of the world is awful.
That “gut thing” is EVERYTHING. THE BODY KNOWS! If I had listened to what my instinct was responding to, I could have saved myself a world of trouble. But unfortunately, it was apparently a deep lesson I NEEDED to learn. Lesson learned. . . THE HARD WAY.
If you are in recovery then you are already #winning
Blessing to you Dr C :)
Great point!
@@lynnbrown4364 True Baby steps.
Recovery from a person?
@@marieldavison5121 this is very baby.
After 30 years of marriage the counselor told my ex narc to list the good qualities he saw in me. Lol. It took him a month and he wrote down 3. Hung them on the fridge too where he kept them for me to continually see for months. He constantly told me how horrible of a person I was when I would stand up to him. Told me in so many words I was a lousy mother and my kids won’t want anything to do with me. Told me so many ugly things. Never an apology. Never “I was wrong “. Would just then be “just get over it”. “Have to forgive “. Then act like nothing happened. Geez. So many wasted years. After almost 2 years it’s still a very difficult healing road.
I’ve done 40 years😩Dr Carter really opened my mind to what was really going on ❗️I’m no pushover but it does become draining😩our best defence is what the DR said take care or ourselves 🙏blessings💕
Kim, Thirty eight year's for me. I was violently discarded five years ago this day. The ex husband could not own his own stuff After marriage, I had $10 to spend on myself. The ex husband argued for two & half hour 's over 0.35¢ .
My X, “You’re RUINING EVERONES LIVES…..” then on special occasions (which BTW he decided when) “you are my everything!” Messes with your head.
Don’t discount yourself , so important ❤
My narcissist displayed every one of the red flags mentioned. My friends and I packed 13 years worth of my belongings and I left him 3 months ago. I moved 3 times in two months to avoid him and because I did not disclose my whereabouts and no one I knew would disclose my whereabouts, I truly believe he followed me or had me followed from work. I came home from a short errand one day to find a handwritten note from him on my front porch. I have since filed a restraining order. I pray the judge makes this temporary restraining order permanent. Court hearing is Monday.
I feel this is what I have to do myself right now absolutely insane the lengths have to go to free yourself
Thank you Dr Carter ☀️. Listening to my inner voice was trained out of me as a child, but if ONE of us can recover from this abuse, we ALL can. 🙏 ☮️ ❤️ 🐕
My experience says "No Contact " is a life saver . Unfortunately it can't always happen that way . 😓
It took me 2 years No-contact to feel free and whole. I have no bitterness in my heart, and rarely even think about the N. In my life. I will ever go back. I should have made my decision many years earlier.
Why?
My no contact came in the form of my husband dying.
@@naca1553 ... nothing wrong with that , mines dead too , so are my parents ! Thank you Lord 🙏✝️
Whatever works, right? Life is very good now
You may always have times you think about the narcissist. You miss the mask. Not the person behind it. That's kind of hard to wrap your head around. But it's true. When I found out what I was really dealing with I went no contact. That was 24 years ago. You cannot change them. However, without them you are free to be yourself. Stay on team healthy! Thanks Dr C!!!
Wow! You miss the mask ... ? 🤔 that's interesting 🧐😳
Tru I keep telling myself that just wish he was the person that he faked like he was bc it was nice but it was just a mask, and now that I am rejecting him he won't leave me alone.
Has he changed?
@@destinyegu1572 If you are speaking to the original post.... I couldn't tell you if he has changed now. In 1995 I hadn't been in town for five or so years when I re-approached him hoping to find humanity in him. I got covertly and overtly bit for looking. I've been no contact since 1998.
“You miss the mask.” Yes, this is true. The person behind it is an hot mess.
Progress not perfection. We've shown so much empathy toward others who repay it with contempt, now we have to start by showing empathy toward ourselves.
Excellent advice!
yes....jerry wise gave a wonderful word of advice....only give empathy to those who give (sincere) empathy to others.....avoiding toxic empathy.... that was so helpful to me....
I think the key to recovering from a narcissist is to emotionally work your way all the way through the grief cycle. When we can’t get past the “anger” phase, this is what attracts even MORE narcissists to us. They have a sixth sense in hooking into damaged people. Once we can work through every stage of grieving and arrive at “acceptance” (that bad people exist in the world and our sense of boundary-less fairness and empathy opened an emotional door to them that should have remained shut), then we can forgive ourselves and close that chapter of our lives. We have had to learn the very painful lesson that not everyone can be trusted with our open and caring nature and this has to be reserved ONLY for people who have earned our trust over a very long and careful period of time. While we see being kind and caring as being very positive, narcissists and psychopaths see it as sucker bait. We have to accept that this is reality and not ever again give ourselves away to any people who can’t or won’t reciprocate.
So true!
Yes the grief over the realization everything was fake, including the dreams for the future. That often gets missed by those focused on being angry at the bad behaviour.
Well said!
Thank you... Those words feel very true and real to me. It can help so much just to see it written down like that. I needed to be reminded of the fact that it is hard self-work, but it is possible to heal!
I wanted to focus on the hurt Narc had strewn all along the way! You are right abt taking responsibility for focus on sickness rather than focusing on freedom from that selfishness. Thanks. It is a personal choice to move on- even after years. I hope this makes sense to anyone else…
Thank you Dr. Carter
This should be taught in schools, and churches. It could save a lot of destruction in lives
Peace is a precious gift
Agreed!
It takes time to heal from narcissist abuse because they don’t only break your heart, but spirit also. 💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
They suck the life from your soul. Run.
They are demonically infused...Literally. Therefore your only chance for survival is to shut them down completely. Close the doors on every level. They are being assisted by Satan.
You are right. When my son stood up to our narc, I told him I used to have spirit too ! Now I am the proverbial grey rock. No matter what i do my narc finds something to verbally beat me over the head with every day. I need to leave badly but we own a business together and I feel bad for the employees. I’m empath through and through, even making pathetic excuses for the disgusting behavior I’ve had to witness. It gets worse with age by the way.
I experiencing an incredible pain in my leg over the last year while I was involved with the care of my sister. X-ay and MRI showed Nothing wrong with my leg. While talking with my Physical Therapist, the subject of psychosomatic illness came up.. As we talked and I told of my past year taking care of my sister, and the most recent hurt that happened to me. My pain began to go away. I did finish my therapy and decided that I had to step away from my sister. The pain has not returned.
You might be interested in, “The body keeps the score” by Gabor Mate. It’s a similar phenomenon. Share the wisdom 🌈
Just said a prayer for everyone that has come to this channel and is struggling and healing. We’re all in this together and I pray you all find more happiness and love than you can handle and the only thing you take from the pain is growth and healing. My heart goes out to every single one of you.
The torture and suffering was not worth it for me anymore and I exited that abusive world. It was a fake, disrespectful and invalidating. Even when I communicated that they are hurting me, they just don't care. Healing was painful and scary but I found light and space. Thank you for being part of my recovery journey, Dr. Carter and Gus!
You can do 100 things for them... barely acknowledged... but if they do one thing for you ... you will hear about it for years... it was absolutely ridiculous... totally obtuse... the whole experience with the narcissist was crazy-making and seemed to run in the family DNA I swear... his mother was even crazier... the happiest day of my life is when I got away....
Sad indeed😔"...some unique men still see their married wife as servant..." in this modern age🥺many thanks for highlighting it Dr. C., please take care Dr. C., Gus and Team Healthy🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
To recover, one must first leave. After years of preparing to buy a house to leave, the Real Estate Market here sells houses with bad foundations, roofs, collapsing floors & undesirable neighborhoods for $125K. I have never seen like it. It leaves retirees no choice. How sad to be trapped when I have worked for 2 years to release myself from this entrapment.
It may be hard or even seem impossible but make it happen.
You bring up an excellent point few are addressing. The real estate market shift is a devastating blow to abuse victims. Many have had to resort to living out of their vehicles just to save themselves.
The narcissistic projection is maddening. They'll say "You only care about you" when they're wanting you to do things for them.
The narcissist's accusation is a confession.
Gus is still here. The most important. No dogs in the apartment where I live. Miss doggies so much. Hi Gus.
My insight the other day: Why should I let someone who is unable to love define my self-worth??? This insight feels like a new, fresh breeze ...
I have been in a relationship for four years, inwhich I feel as if my partner has
gotten "licence to wound" That is to say: I have gradually given it to him. It feels like a blessing to leave it, but also very, very hard...
Presently I get help from listening to a music album called:
Songs for the inner child. In one of the songs, this question is being asked:
"How could anyone ever tell you, you were anything less than beautiful?"
It is a song by Libby Roderick and for me, it is therapeutic and deeply healing.
I am wishing everyone here a good healing process
Absolutely right!!
Keep up your hard work!! Remember that our job on earth is to let our love of ourselves be perfect. For only then can we be of any use to anyone else!
If your mother was like that, you’d know why. Healing that isn’t a small work of life.
"I wish I had been more attuned my own wellbeing" Understatement of the century!!! 60+ years of narcissistic abuse--wicked bad!! Now at peace--Dr. Carter is a gift from God!!
It is so refreshing that you always end your videos by saying "you become a person of peace". I've always wanted that in my life, but to no surprise, "peace" to my narcissistic SO was so boring.
She openly criticized me for not wanting to engage her in 15 rounds of arguments and word salad.
It is truly sad and pathetic to know that she would rather prefer having arguments and fights over living in peace.... just to feel alive.
thanks, Dr. C.
"Stay with me baby, dont give up now!"
"No, stop listening to those voices, it's not your fault"
"Please, I need you here, to believe that tomorrow is just around the corner"
Please.
I've lost so much already.😢😭😭😭
The future faking was incredible. They'll say anything to get their hooks planted deep.
I'm just starting my journey to healing. I am in a 37 year marriage to a vulnerable narcissist, who is now disabled. I want to find myself again. I'm definitely grieving all that I have lost.
Even now, though, there’s much to be gained, brave warrior!
@@striderm8389 thank you!
I worked for someone who fit this description to a tee, constantly tearing everyone down- eventually including me. She made me feel like trash, and I finally quit. I just wish I had done so sooner.
There is one important skill to acquire, apart from the vital virtue of self-control.
That is: the skill of being CIVIL, POLITE whilst standing up for one's own position. It takes focus and practice. But it is one of the most useful shields in one's armoury.
"I wish I had of been more committed to my own well being..." Finally, there is is, put into words, what I have been feeling and not being able to put into words well, and it can be so strange.. And maybe I didn't want to say it, maybe. Thanks, Dr. Carter. ❤ ( My abuser was seriously trying to get me to commit suicide or something ..) just saying.. The experience, was for sure hell on earth. So glad to be free. Happiness is coming back. Slowly. The old me, who I used to be, damaged but good, is coming back slowly.
Prayer warriors, let's pray for all victims of complex trauma and all victims of cluster B abuse. 🎉
I'm 49 years old and over the past year I've woken up to a deep seated problem of narcissism in my family. It really is such a difficult situation to identify, especially if the narcissist is a master at concealing their behaviour and have convinced everyone around them that they are a good person. My father (now passed) and 2 elder siblings are absolutely toxic, never do anything wrong, constantly belittling and criticising you, everyone else around them is a problem, look how good I am and how much I've achieved, look at how much of a problem you are........the list goes on and on and on and on and on. I'm the youngest of 5 siblings, my next eldest sister up from me, both of us have been to numerous counselling sessions (not together) for dealing with depression/anxiety/ no confidence etc, and neither of us have known what the heck is the cause. It's only recently that we've come across this subject of narcissism and can now spot it in the family (major red flags everywhere), especially with specific individuals. With being the youngest, we've been bullied and crushed in so many ways, sometimes subtly and most times not so subtly, by these narcissists, all of our lives, from young children all the way up to present day. Both of us are about to set out on a journey of recovery, and it seems like a momentous task because the abusive relationships we've had with the narcissists in our family has been going on for so long, for so long we've not been able to see the forest for the trees, we don't know where to begin. Personally I feel the only immediate solution to begin recovery is to push these narcissists out of our lives, not to allow them any input or influence over us in any shape or form, because they are very good at drawing you back in to business as usual. Narcissists are extremely dangerous people, like they are being controlled by a devil inside of them. The narcissists in my family are diabolical, very toxic and convincing people. I pray we can both heal from this and move on and leave these people behind us. Thank you for sharing this video.
Baby steps. Follow your instincts.
Healthy people listen to themselves. Ive found people who have early relational trauma or neglect are targets for narcs. They have not been taught to listen to themselves, or have learnt to dismiss themselves, or get punished for having their own experience or were never validated. Its about as tragic as can be to have this early pain and then having this pain attract the narc. Ive found embodiment/somatic work and inner child work has been helpful.
So true! The red flags were there but I said "I do" anyway. 😒
They seem more focused on the other person losing or at least appearing better than them than winning. It is like they get off on causing pain to others?
The win-win scenario doesn't seem to exist to them.
I’am starting to feel full recovery from narc peeps, almost inviting their nonsense, as they no longer can have any AFFECT on me!!
I find it clarifying to finally NOW feel and have that separation.
No one can hurt me.
Only when they hurt those I love do they hurt me.
*inviting them..
They are persistent to always get their own way no matter what or have the last say or I thought of that
The whole world needs to know that people suffer because of narcisists that in my experience... drains my mind and causes depression.
Narcissists are very skilled at manipulating emotions and other people to the point that the target/s feels cornered in a daggered room with nowhere to go all because of envy and insecurities and a fear of feeling inferior because of whoever their target is.
It is never pleasant.
I never had a relationship yet because of narcs.
Saved this one in my toolbox for honoring myself and discerning the truth for good living!
Good to hear from you, Noel!!
I only wish I had known all this prior to 5-1/2 years ago...the huge Red Flags were everywhere but I chose to ignore them...always thinking "I'm the one he's been waiting for all this time"..what a joke that was! I was just one in a long line of women who fell into his trap...it took a while but now I'm free...
I’m not mad at him anymore. I feel sorry for him, pray for him. I love him. ❤ that’s the truth
I get it.
My gut had 2 problems when I met my narcissist. The first was that my father was a narcissist, and I had an inner voice that told my gut to hush up, because pretty much everybody knew better than I did. The other was that I was desperately needy for love, attention, and support, but I didnt know it. Love-bombing can look like that if your narcissist is smart. Mine was very perceptive.
Not perceptive enough, as it turned out, but it took me 38 years to get there.
My ex would brag about his talent for convincing people.. that was the first red flag. Our whole marriage was full of empty promises. Then came the emotional and verbal abuse. He found me at the worst point in my life so I was easy prey. I hope anyone going through this can break away and heal.
Please, if you / and your children are in a cruddy, eggshell war-like relationship, do all you can to get out. My best friend died this past July after 30yrs in a loveless marriage. She always said she wouldn't die like her own mother, and now her own daughter is in the loveless cycle.
When they're looking for what they want out of you, suddenly they become very GOOD at listening. They don't have hearing issues, they are limited in what they actually care about, and dishonest about why they're involved with you. They ALWAYS want from you, and they don't care about how their abuse affects you. I wasn't even 10 years old when I expected my mother to care that a neighbor was hunting me like an animal to molest, yet when anything I did displeased her, she got tons of "support" over it. She made family members choose AGAINST me, as her daughter, BECAUSE TO HER, THIS WAS "FOR" HER. AND THEN OF COURSE BLAMED ME, BECAUSE I DIDN'T APPRECIATE BEING USED AND ABUSED THAT WAY. She just wanted a pretty little doll to put on display. I wasn't supposed to make her life hard by actually needing someone to be a mother to me. Both she and our father traveled a lot and left us in the care of others. It wasn't until I was in my early thirties that she decided she had the time to be a mother (she didn't work, she traveled as a choice with our father, who by that time was retiring), and then she expected me to drop everything to come visit her. I told her I was busy (I was trying to go back to school for a difficult career change). Then she found someone to spy on me and report back. I didn't drop everything, including school to fly out to see her wonderful new place in Cabo.
Self trust. From childhood I was taught to ignore YET the craziness made no sense and I learned early to question authority. That may have saved my life and it has had a cost perhaps. And I will be forever grateful for the grace that urged me to notice nonsense.
Oh, yes. I was taught that ignoring craziness was how to get along, and even was the "Christian" thing to do.
There were red flags all around him right at the beginning. I knew he doesn't stand a chance. But he would not leave me alone. I had weak to no boundaries. I just went along with it waiting for the relationship to run its course . He discarded me and hoovered me back many times. I naively thought he figured out I am a good person that is why he was back and he is going to treat me good. He discarded me again, left me heart broken. this time I am determined to stay no contact despite the trauma bounding. The only way out of this narc trauma bound is walking through it .
"you're so selfish" tends to be a repeat in relationships - not anymore! Thanks Dr. C
Not anymore!
Diversionary tactics. Keep yourself busy doing something else, especially for others. Stay focused. Sometimes it's 3 steps forward and 2 and a half back. It's progress non the less 😊
Yes! The problems the narcissist experiences are never THEIR fault! 🎯 They've got to blame somebody else! Dr C, you're so acurate about your analysis. Thank you!
"when u see it over and over" - lol - i saw all i need the last 25 years, that´s prove enough to me
Such perfect timing for this topic! Im finally moving into my own apartment and Im shifting gears from surviving to thriving! 🎉 #TeamHealthy
"Gus & I will keep the videos coming." Love it....
They treat you like an object. Either you are their diamond or their door mat. Thus, your financial and social independency is key when dealing with them.
I am the wife of a man who has lived 50+ years with what he has described as 'mental rape' from a Narcissist Mother. She is still alive, has her co-dependent husband (his Father who enables everything with this disturbed woman). My husband has some narcissist traits himself and I think that is mainly normal as he grew up thinking his Mother's control and mental abuse was 'normal.' When I try to discuss ways to deal with his Mother and share my learnings from these videos, he gets very angry. He'd rather walk away and live in denial. My guess as to why he won't engage in the learning is that he believes he will tap in to areas deep inside himself that will reveal he is similar to her. Therefore, he won't engage. It is very troubling to me as I find it incredibly therapeutic and aligns with the growth mindset that I like to live. I'd hate to give up after 25 years of being together, but it isn't fair to suppress my feelings/opinions. Not hopeful for the future.
Its also called Emotional Incest. And that's too heavy for some people to face. But you're they are only half a person until they do. They have to find the courage and want it for themselves. You'll never love them enough to convince them.
@@rebekahransom415 Thank you, Rebekah.
We’ve been married 25 years, divorce in rework months, I just found out about narcissist
Mental rape is perfect word for the situation
Thank You 🙂🥰 Doctor Carter 🙂🥰 , I do want peace ☮️ in my life 🧬 without those narcissistists
Aww "I was just kidding" they are not 🚫 kidding " trust me, they are bullies 😢
self love is the best way to serve others, listen to your inner child, that intuition deep inside
That's the whole point. You can't give away something you don't yet have.
I had a whole football stadium of red flags that I chose to ignore because of some screwed up parental conditioning that went along the lines of "you owe me" Ultimately my decency and kindness cost me dearly.
Dr. C, your insight was a big part of my early learning & healing journey. I started listening to you when I was still stuck and in a dangerous situation. I watched daily. With each video, I became wiser & stronger….until one day, I got the strength to leave. My health has soared and my peace has returned. Your courses are absolutely golden too. I just had to visit again and reiterate how calming, validating & supportive your in-depth presentations and caring heart are in the lives of those suffering. I am forever grateful for you! ❤ My daughter & I have a beautiful future ahead and you are one of our biggest heroes!
All the best to you and your daughter. Greetings from Norway 👋
Wow, you’re bouncing back so well! I was married 16 years + unaware that I was being controlled. The children were 7, 5 and 2 when he revealed he’d been having an affair w/ an office protégé… yup, for 2years.
It took me 3 yrs to realize I am BETTER OFF!
Dr. Carter’s so kind, understanding, wise, encouraging + calm, right?! Like a father… it’s been 30 years now + I’m a happy camper. I still get fooled by the covert n’s now + then, but Dr. Carter, Gus + Dr. Ramani have taught me so much these last couple of years. The truth’s so INVIGORATING!
Many thx to all for sharing, also!! We are a community of survivors…helping each other understand
Please do a video on how to help remove the narcissist's hatred. It's so toxic and leads to criminal behaviour. How can we help prevent this?
I really need this. I was the family scapegoat and eleven of the family members put me through some miserable emotional warfare. Eight of those family members live within 5 minutes of us, and we can't uproot and move right now. We have tried going as "no contact" as we can, but it feels like every time I make some healing progress, one of them shows up at the same store, or my gym, my church, or on the same street as me. I'm in constant fear. The PTSD symptoms and depression are taking over, no matter what I try. I'm anxious to see what I can learn and apply from this video. Thank you, Dr. C. You have been a lifesaver. 🙏🏻
Ignore them. Reacting gives them your energy and empowers them. Fake it 'til you make it... Stop thinking of these people as "family..." and just as other people, if you will. That may help you to distance with strength. I also was the family scapegoat...but interesting, I was the strongest and the most aware. That's why we get targeted. Because we... Are the "Canary in the Coal mine."
Suggest moving out of those circles: shop at different times, ditto gym, churchshop, even if it means setting an alarm,well worth it.Do well.
@Eagleeye
Absolutely right. That’s exactly why we’re targeted: because we see everything and call them out.
They’re fake and subsequently more concerned with public perception/image than the content of their character.
Curiously there are a number of them on these youtube commercial breaks, claiming to have all the answers
Was also the family scapegoat. I moved to another county. They never cared or contacted me anyway. I was the one who had to do all the work to have relationships. Once I stopped, there were no relationships. And that’s fine. All I’ve been through the last few years I’m good just staying to myself.
I'm in a similar situation and I can't move due to co-parenting with Nex. Riddled with anxiety when out, I've found wearing a hat and sunglasses (even in the rain!) reduces my anxiety as I don't have sudden unwanted eye contact. Poker face when walking away. Good luck x
I dated a man who had lost his 2nd wife to cancer. We dated for a few yrs and he wld always tell me, "my wife always apologized before we went to bed", bcuz she didn't believe in going to bed angry. I replied, "IF I need to apologize for something, I will, but I will NOT apologize to him "every night" like she did to appease him. He became accustomed to being "right" all the time and she bowed down to him for 30 yrs. He was accustomed to getting his way. Not anymore.
Boy did I need to hear this. The neighbour is a narc. He deliberately says things that he thinks might upset me. My best line of attack is to completely ignore him and fail to react. I have such an interesting life and there is no space for him. Dr c thanks so much for all you say. It’s pure gold.
“Why did I continue to get an argument with a jerk?”
All of these questions keep coming up…
Boy howdy, I can Second that remark.!
I am in the aftermath and I am in no contact!
No more nonsense Dr. C!🎉
🦋SURVIVOR🦋
YES
self care
Trust your instincts
Most of these points can cover avarage, decent people as well without any ill will.
Stuck in their ways! Haughty attitude mistaken for confidence. Have to be the center of attention. Dodged some abuse thanks to listening to your wisdom every day. Good therapy. Positive and non accusatory! Thank you Doctor!
Great advice Dr. C. The only problem with a narcissist is they are nothing inside but a guy living in a van down by the river. However, that guy living in a van down by the river has a lot more character than a narcissist.
They exploit the past by extorting present. Don’t buy it! Don’t let them win. Be useful to you.❤️🩹
May we all learn, heal and grow. I had to work a lot on myself in my recovery from NPD abuse and also learning how to respect other people's boundaries. Life is full of lessons.
Thank you for organizing the list, Dr. Carter, your calm voice and professional credentials make the terrifying chaos of Narcissistic abuse seem more manageable. I call their criticism the " Psycho-scope". Meaning they (narcs) put you under a crazy microscope, where they will surely see some flaw, crime, weakness, etc. or fabricate one. I have been psycho-scoped by my EXparents, EXsiblings, EXhusband, bosses and co-workers. The gut feeling is very real, the KNOWING of what is about to happen is the same. And you know what all of these Narcissists, usually have been in contact and are involved in nefarious businees dealings such as, identity theft, drug trafficking and/or grant fraud.
Wow. This is SO good! THANK YOU, Dr. Carter. I was groomed, growing up, to serve my parents and not pay any attention to my own feelings, observations, or needs. They made it their #1 priority that I have no pride at all, and that actually was kind of good for me, I think (people tell me I'm a genuinely humble person), but now I understand they did it to help themselves stay established as permanently my superiors and controllers, long past my reaching adulthood. Yuck.
The first key for me was going no contact
I've been the scapegoat since childhood by my narc sister. She recently went off on a family group chat and as soon as an aunt tried to calm things down the narc asked why we couldn't just get over it as she did and then my dad sent a mass text to stop talking about this on a group chat. I was silenced again...but my husband didn't accept it and had a chat with other family in a calm manner and showed proof of my continuous abuse by her. Every single aunt and grandparents said they had no idea as it always had to be behind closed doors but they reached out to let me know they are sorry and support me and my boundaries and agree they also want to go no contact with her.
I finally felt validated. None of them told me to get over it or blamed me. Went 25 years with this idea I'm the problem and nobody would back me up. Turned out they were also lied to but now have seen proof. Just someone saying I believe you and I support you was all I needed to end the fear and anxiety.
My family is old. I like u was the family scapegoat, and the extended family scapegoat on mother's side. My 3 siblings have been abusive and supportive of narc moms abuse since earliest memory. Dad was strong unaware enabler, set on rules. Anyway, just last month my sisters put 92yr old narc mom into a Nursing facility. I've been minimal contact with her for years, polite holiday greetings type thing. Haven't seen family since my father died 12yrs ago. So I called Mother at the home to see if she was OK, I don't trust the sisters, and spontaneously in her conversation she said in direct opposition to my life's script, " your sisters have never been fair or kind to you". I was shocked. I know she has lost some mental acuity, but why I share this is, I never realized until I heard it fr9m her mouth, how much I longed for that verbal validation of my life experience by my parents who watched and promoted this sibling abuse of me the scapegoat. So no I don't expect her to ever as a Narc acknowledge her own abuse, but this one spontaneous sentence, gave me solid ground versus therapeutic theory to move forward on. So I'm sorry you are in the scapegoat role, don't hope it changes, because it really doesn't, build on the relations with extended family who value you, and aren't part of the it's your fault game. Blessings to you.
@@joywebster2678 yes its the verbal validation from someone in the family. In fact both of my dad's sisters aren't surprised he's tried to keep me quiet but are mad that he has. He is very old fashioned and I also just found out he texted them and told them to stay out of it but they both told him no. I love my dad but he likes to ignore problems. I won't disrespect my father by calling him out...but turned out his sisters did it for me.
@@innerpilgrim4160 so that's a great point. I have called out my sister before and was told family is everything and she is my sister so I have to just accept thats how she is so I've always kept my mouth shut. After this happened I sent an email to my parents with all the symptoms of NPD and examples of how my sister fit every one. I sent text messages and emails as proof. After a few hours my parents called me and apologized while admitting that I was right and my feelings were valid and they see it too. They are going to do couples therapy to see how they should handle this. Interestingly, they confronted my sister with all these docs and proofs and she sat there with a smug look on her face and said yep I did that, according to my dad. My dad said it was like she had no remorse and just had a blank look on her face and didn't seem bothered by any of it.
Dr C. Your videos changed my life. They are a gift from God to help me from 40 years of pain. I am now free. I thank God for you. May He bless you and your family abundantly with love.
You just made my day so, Rinnah. I'm so pleased on your behalf!
It seems to me that there are some distinctions regarding unsolicited advice. Some folks just talk about their own experiences and opinions without any critical intent; it isn’t coming from an unkind place and the recipient can take it or leave it. Some folks give advice because they think they are superior and have the notion that controlling others is just fine. My grandmother gave me lots of advice that I did not ask for. She was wise and never said an unkind word to me. In fact, she was the only person in my childhood and early adulthood that I could trust. Thank God for her guidance. She was a bright light in a very dark place.
A-Z. I thought it was about me. Good call Dr. C, gut feelings are underrated.
Im striving to be as at peace as GUS😊❤
Correct again. i saw but didn't understand back then nor did i ever know about narcissism. .... i saw all the strange behaviours but still didn't get it untill i am in deep shit.
Gus 🥰 likes good company , he's a typical dog , and he obviously loves you Doctor 🥰 Carter 🥰 because he is relaxed 🙂
We're good for each other.
@@SurvivingNarcissism of course it's a guy thing 🤣 although some dogs prefer one gender pack leader over the other 🥰
When someone your with makes you think because something appears to be missing. It’s a sign ; your intuition is telling you that person is rigid, has a personality disorder. The same reactions to different things in life. Ask yourself how’s their judgment. Are they critical of others that will probably be you soon enough. Can’t explain why they are consistently irritated or angry.
Hell this is what i deal with daily in a AA recovery club almost all the time.....from the management
My guess: forgive yourself.
Practicing self care is key
❤ That‘s the hardest part.
Often the most difficult hurdles. Don't be mad at anyone for not knowing what that don't know, Even you. Sage. Awe. Thats a good name.
Self?
That is extremely difficult for me due to my poor choices in choosing to marry both my abusive hijab and having 4 children altogether with them which of course as adults these unhealthy relationships have effected my children and caused some issues. And there were many red flag which I chose to ignore being the gullible and very naive person that I am😢
My husband (of 35 1/2 years) died on Nov. 11/22. His death was largely caused by the actions of a narcissist with signs of psychopathy and sociopathy! It's been really brutal dealing with everything!
True. All his problems were caused by his family. Had me thinking they were terrible people when it was him all the time. 🙄
Love and take care of YOU
Chronic Critic … over n over.
And over and over
Had to chuckle at "what have you done for me recently". First time I heard this, I replied with, what have you done EVER? No contact after that. It's been a nightmare of stalking, lying, etc,etc.
My intuition kicked in too late. Spending time on my self. Forgiving yourself is hard. Thank You & Gus💯
Enjoy your trip. The best to you.
I am grateful for this video. I got burned big time by narcissist. Take-away for me: 1. Listen to YOURSELF and 2. Defend accusations of "you're selfish" with acting in your best self-interest.
Another Narc I know ridiculed my education when I (passed) him In the Tool and Die trade, "What'd it get cha".
It is amazing how someone can describe the action i have been put thru for 14 years and on point. I can almost go no contact. She`s often do projection to me and to the kids each day. As the days goes by you can really see what it is important to her and the kids are not on the list. She even blame the kids why she his alone when she his in the house. The kids are tired of the passive aggressive comments, devaluation and verbal abuse yet she blames me for everything.
Please keep these wonderful webinars coming Dr. C
You are God sent to help us empaths 😇 Thank you sooooooo much your teachings are liberating!