Narcissistic Parents: How They Trauma Bond with You (and How to Break Free)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 11 ต.ค. 2024
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In this video, I talk about how narcissistic parents create trauma bonds and how you can finally break free. Understanding this will help you recognize the deep emotional ties they use to keep you trapped in their control, so you can reclaim your true self and start living life on your own terms.
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 10,000s of people heal from family dysfunction and become the true self they were never allowed to be. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he leverages 45 years of experience to help clients permanently break free from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a strong sense of self.
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If it takes pressing reset button and starting all over again, so be it. I have reached that point in my life.
Likewise
Me too
Same here. I am 50 years old and constantly struggling with narcissistic parents getting in the way of what I want in my life.
@jeffreyherda9684 Because they normalized it during your childhood. That is how I ended up married to a narcissist. I am at the stage where I see the abuse for what it was, and I am resentful and angry. But it's all part of my healing, and I am not resisting it. The anger is keeping me on track for my goals. One step at a time. Stay strong 💪🏻 and work on those inner boundaries!!😊
I love that mind framing, "you are free to have hurt feelings and I am free from trying to fix them"!
Plus their "hurt feelings" are from them having unrealistic expectations for our behaviors. They need to learn expectation management, bc unrealistic expectations are a recipe for disappointment.
All of these things are HARD to do when you're living with the narc. I am so overwhelmed. I can hardly function.
😥
Cindy, ❤ you must take time of the day to for the purpose of connecting to your true self. Become aware that you are playing a role for whatever reason you have. Turn it into a ritual where you allow yourself to put the masks away an be safely who you are.
And make plans to leave.
Narcissistic families don't care about your feelings but make you responsible for theirs!
Exactly.
With Thanksgiving and Christmas coming soon, I needed to hear this talk.
I'll send out cards and nothing more !
I'm a Taoist and chose to live the life of a Taoist Hermit. I left my toxic family years ago. I have never got married and I do not have any children. I do not celebrate any holidays not even my own birthday.
In my experience, the worst tantrums were triggered by my refusal to engage with the abuse, but were really all about my refusal to merge into them. That probably sounds really demented, but that's just because it is really demented.
"Why won't you enmesh with me!!!"
I decided last month that I would take action in October. I'm on a "2 week" vacation. But I plan on calling and letting my parents know I'm not coming back. I've had enough. I'm almost 40. I am my own person and with therapy, I've learned I am a separate entity from my mother!!
Good for you, you have to take care of yourself. Something to consider to make it easier for you and avoid even more abuse from your parents--------you don't need to call and let them know you're not coming back, just don't go back. You know that calling and telling them you're not coming back is going to trigger them into either a rage or manipulating you and them playing the victim, you know they're going to do that because that's what narcs do. So don't even tell them you're not coming back, just don't go back, that way you will save yourself from even more abuse from them. They can just go eff off as long as they don't bother you and you don't have to listen to their abuse. And just in case you're thinking that you want to tell them you're not coming back because it will give you satisfaction to tell them how horrible they are and that's why you're not coming back and you think that maybe it will make them feel bad--------here's the news flash---they don't care, the only thing that you telling them you're not coming back is going to do is to give them more ammunition to use against you in a smear campaign and they won't feel even one little tiny bit guilty. BUT ... if you just don't say anything at all to them and just don't go back-----that is really going to hurt them because one of the things that narcs can't stand and that causes narc injury is to just stay away from them and don't give them any energy or attention, that really hurts them. Just don't go back, don't tell them you're not coming back just don't go back imo, my 2 cents.
I don’t think you should call. Just make it a clean break.
One thing that enables narcissistic parents is the amount of reinforcements they get from the people around them. I've seen narcissistic parents in public and their kids are often blamed for their parents ' emotional distress. For example my father continuously complains that I never call him back or pick up his calls and people soon it's been weeks or months and it's really been sometimes hours.
That’s exactly it
Absolutely right. I think it's called character assassination. Even today, outsiders think I'm a very different person (from what I really am) because they heard my nfamily's version. They are very good at pretending. It hurts not to be validated even by outsiders as it strengthen the feeling of deep loneliness
@@SibyllaCumana well said, that’s it. You’re not alone.
@@km_6181 Thank you ♥ I'm sorry though that so many of us are victims of abuse. Unfortunately only recently society are addressing these dynamics, wish I had been made aware sooner. It's easy to advise 'get a grip' when one knows nothing of trauma. Trauma must be addressed with proper tools, it doesn't simply vanish
@@km_6181 Thank you❤ I just replied but my comment disappeared... am sorry so many of us experienced nparents abuse and that we've ignored how to deal with it for so long
It’s strange but I never felt my abuser was a good person (though I wouldn’t have called her an abuser back then because I wasn’t aware it was abuse -I believed the fault was mine!). I cut off contact in my 40’s , lived life based on incorrect choices, constantly feeling invisible insecure & scared and looking for my peaceful spot. At least now with Dr. Jerry’s wisdom I KNOW what it is I’m up against and so I keep fighting. ❤️
I can feel the resistance when you said, "You're free to feel hurt, and I am free to not fix it."
The system does not approve.
This really hit home. It’s interesting to me how healing comes in layers - you can hear something so many times and understand it theoretically, but it has to hit right emotionally for progress to be made. I am not responsible for their hurt feelings. This is such a great lesson. I feel like I spend so much time trying to appease others and I never joined the dots. Going to take the free course later today. Thank you!
Yes, I feel like that. I think I'm making good progress and then something sets me off. I have to learn the lessons over and over and keep adding to them and really feeling it. I think when you're not naturally negative and unempathetic and willing to harm someone so close to you, that it's really hard to understand they are and do. So easy to be conned and think I've got it down then to fall flat on my face.
I think my Mother fell for all of it and now she's part of the dysfunctional dynamic
Thank so much for your work. Greatings from a country with a lot of narcissistic families, Colombia.
Thanks I am moving away from my abuser. Will be focusing on myself and restarting my life
💯 we believe they are good even if they don't have our best interests at heart and they will sabotage every our attempt at happiness because we are their emotional rechargers!!
Sometimes there's no love bombing. They just stop the abuse and that might feel like love.
Break the cycle, detach and escape while you are young and healthy. 🕊
It's impossible to save yourself if you are +40, dependent and unhealthy.
I disagree. It’s not impossible. It may be more difficult, but it’s not impossible. As long as you’re alive, you can change.
Nothing is impossible.
Never to old! Don’t depend for n anyone, God and yourself.
Trust God's perfect timing. It is important work and maybe best at different ages for different people.
I hear you, near 60 here and sick. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. I also like ginger henna's response as well. Maybe this is the right time for us even though it's so difficult ✌
I love when Jerry says we are up where we don’t belong. When my focus became more about self care, self respect and wellness I noticed all the narcissist fled away faster.
Thank you Dr. Wise. I resonate with this very strongly and thank you for providing help on how to break free from Trauma Bonding.
For anyone who feels that it will never end, it does. Once they are gone, the phone stops ringing and the weight of the dynamic goes with them; took 65 years, though it does end, and the drama is replaced with peace. As my husband said when it finally ended, "The source of your pain is gone."
💚💚 Be Wise 💚💚
This is more down my mom's lane than my father's lane. When I would face traumatic experiences from my father, then my mother would take that opportunity to love bomb💣
I've seen dynamics like that a lot. Women masking like it's their role to love and secretly they encourage the men to be like that just so they can swoop in to look like heroes. Very much my mom too
@@dio69666don't make me call your father. Kinda both
Thank you, the ship in that movie was a really great example of what it feels like to “live” this way, not really living! You are just part of something that’s controlling the real you and keeping you from your own personal freedom, yes you can leave but when you are out in the world you are still connected to it so you really have to deliberately amputate it off of you and grow into your own person to roam free in the world again like a wild horse living on your own terms in the world on to your next adventure. 🤘😄💛✨
I have definitely gotten better at keeping myself on my side of the net. Very proud of myself
❤Thank you ❤
Thank you Jerry. I have just decided that the sentence on not fixing someone's problem will be my mantra for my group sessions in future.
That's an interesting analogy because the ship itself was also becoming a part of the ocean it was so badly decayed, that's why they were becoming ocean creatures because they couldn't keep them off the ship anymore
Turning the ship of state is just as difficult when a nation of ppl are enmeshed in a dysfunctional system. The trickle down effect. Food for thought…
Great videos, thank you for doing them.
The good person deep down. Wow. I have had to really work on this one. However now I have a very clear picture that this is not true about my narcissistic parent. She has lost her moral compass or her ability to pretend she has one.
My bf who was raised by a narc mother and is trauma bonded with her needs watch this. Hopefully, this will show up on his feed. Thank you,
Thank you Jerry for all videos and advices.
I am trying to use tips i learned from here.
Calmness is where I mess up
When I was a kid my mom would tell us that children that were beat by their parents loved their parents more than we loved her and dad. I didn’t realize until 50 years later that my mother sees trauma bonding as love. It’s been 50 years and she still sees trauma as love and behaves in ways to elicit reactivity and limit the self differentiation of others so she gets the attention and thus feels loved.
I just had an interaction with a drunk/high narcissist and I probably did not handle it perfectly.. Unfortunately, I would imagine that I will get another opportunity to get it right..
Needed this information.
Thank you.
Thankyou ❤
I was trauma bond with mom, and than with ex. Now I am recovering.
Thanks!
Thankyou
Also, it’s good to see you 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
YOU'RE SO GREAT JERRY
painful, resonates, much appreciated Jerry for your insights as always.
Thank you so much for these insightful and solution-oriented videos. You make the journey clear and determined.
Dziękujemy.
Great explanation. 🙂Have you noticed how much society often treats people narcissistically and forms trauma bond with them? Do you think that only an individual can be narcissistic?
My dad isn’t overtly abusive, but he has always neglected me emotionally. Then tries to love bomb me with Bible verses. Yeah, no thanks!
How does one love bomb with verses?
@@GreasyBaconMan I’m a Christian myself but he doesn’t care how I’m doing then sends me a Bible verse like it’s supposed to fix everything.
@@MartineStedman I pray you are doing well. I ask that our Heavenly Father grants you grace and wisdom to overcome in this world, keeping you on the path of righteousness, removing anything that isn’t of him and guarding you in all of your ways. Be blessed!
I don't like contacts with my mother. We didn't have contacts for years. I felt better. Now we talked three times in a month. And it is too much for me, to be honest. I don't trusr her i don't love her. I even can't stand her.
All so true.. thank you 🎉🎉🎉
Plus & stages when narcissistic managers are going through after putting 2 week notice. 😊😂
Ty
I've been successful at no contact with toxic parent for a couple years but occasionally have painful memories.
Q: Is this a trauma bond?
👌🎩
I meant to say that is how pimps control hookers.
Wow! This sounds like my life🫤now I know the issue, and I always believed everything in my family was truly my fault too.