Setting Boundaries With Dysfunctional Family Members - Terri Cole - Smart Couple Podcast
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 ส.ค. 2024
- In this episode, psychotherapist Terri Cole shares some creative (and funny) strategies for handling problematic family relationships.
SHOWNOTES:
Why Interacting With Family Can Be So Difficult [1:00]
Terri Cole’s Family Experience [3:00]
The Importance Of Boundaries and Language With Family [7:00]
Examples Of Managing Family Dysfunction Successfully [9:00]
Strategies For Avoiding Unwanted Conversations With Family [14:00]
Is It Okay To Just Walk Away From Shitty Family Conversations? [19:00]
Taking A Break From Family And Avoiding Family Holidays Altogether [21:00]
When Mom And Partner Are Competing For Attention [25:00]
Family Drama Hotline info [29:00]
For the full Smart Couple Podcast webpage for this episode visit relationshipschool.net/podcas...
Prepare for the holidays and join the free, Family Drama Hotline webinar hosted by Jayson Gaddis and Terri Cole on the evening of November 20th! RSVP at relationshipschool.net/hotline/
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After years of trying to get my siblings to connect with me ( I live abroad) and being rejected, criticised and ostracised I finally let them know that it was enough and that I will no longer pursue the relationship or keep on insisting to get their love. So much peace and calm in my life now!
🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
There's nothing like saying "no thanks" confidently and then confidently walking away before they can react. This has been the easiest thing for me to start doing and it is very empowering. Thanks Terri and Jayson.
You're welcome!
Good for you. Similar here.
The issue is more difficult when children are involved. When people see they can't get to you, they attempt to affect the relationships you have with others or go through your kids.
sure thing
Yeah im in this now my family has my daughter my crazy sister... and they ruin her... but Im not strong enough yet to go to court to get her back.
We repeat what we do not resolve - oh yes, so true - I have discovered how this truth has played out in my life with regard to friends and a even a boss, who emotionally reminds me of my narc father. Not remembering the toxic environment of dysfunctional-toxic family gatherings - maybe some people drink to not remember, in my family most people just DENY, DENY, DENY reality and try to pretend that a perfect normal family exists instead of making the necessary changes.
Thanks for your feedback!
No thank you. Things that happen inside a dysfunction never heal. Nice to have you back here🥕💭 We do not communicate. I've chosen to go it alone. Thank you❣️
Thank you!
Thank you for this video and it's suggestions. I like the "frame control" concept. I must say that the most difficult part of these kinds of interactions with especially toxic dysfunctional family members starts with the tone in which they speak to me - condesending, bossy, arrogant tone. And I know from previous experience that anything which is not total compliance will lead to the other person being aggressive either in an overt manor (yelling, threatening) or in a covert manor (manipulation, passive-aggressive revenge), etc. Thank you for these very specific suggestions. Would love more.
Amazing. Thanks for your feedback!
I find so much value in rewatching these videos. I’m laughing right now bc when my kids were little my MIL wanted us to come for Christmas and she asked me not to bring the gifts from Santa. Even tho I had little to no boundaries with her at that time, I had the presence of mind to say…if Santa can’t visit, we will not be visiting. Guess she didn’t want to upstaged by Santa.
Thanks for sharing this experience 🙏🏻
You are so right about inappropriate mother/son relationships. My ex MIL was instrumental in our divorce. She behaved like a jealous girlfriend
Ouch
I love the phrase "I'm not interested in...." so I'm not interested in discussing political views or I'm not interested in getting into a debate with you. It shuts them down quick without being too rude.
as for the holidays
To avoid family drama at Xmas time I would often tell them that we were going away. In reality we didn't go anywhere. We got to have some really peaceful Xmas memories without the family's toxic drama
Thanks for sharing your thoughts
I would say "I don't think i want to answer that" and laugh it off!!
Unfortunately that dishonesty comes from dysfunctional families. Not speaking the truth.
Why can’t you say “I want to avoid any family drama at the holidays, so I’m not going to be participating”.
That’s honest, empowered…and isn’t repeating a pattern of how dysfunctional families communicate, because they are deathly afraid of conflict. They often don’t have the tools to navigate conflict well, nor can handle disagreement, so they lie.
True healing, owns your side of the street come what may.
The only time where lying would be “ok” is if there is a physically violent person, you know will stalk you and show up where you are. Then, that is a reasonable protection.
Otherwise, anything else is “empowerment lite”…
It was really amazing to hear about this as it’s something I’m currently walking through with my family members. Learning to stand up for my marriage and setting up boundaries to protect my wife. Thank you for posting this, most appreciated
of course
Thank you for this video! I'm still going the low contact (minimum contact as possible) route bc my family is so toxic but these are still good tools for when that's not possible at all! Thanks again!
you're welcome
What about my narcissistic mom who commands me to serve everyone as if I were a paid hostess, at her house, or even mine? She snaps commands like “ napkins!” And my niece quit coming to family gatherings because of how she treats me. I’ve tried talking to mom and do try standing up for myself but she is very very hard of hearing and blames people for not talking loudly enough. She either ignores family comments or says she cannot hear us. She refuses hearing aids because people can see them and she does not want to appear old.
it's her life, right?
I think that is why communication is so important to me, because it lacked in my own family. Mom was mentally gone most of the time, via her own issues with drinking: she couldn't handle life after my dad died, I was the oldest & my mothers shoulder to cry on, besides the black sheep of the family. I've made stands against their heartless ways out of a need to draw boundaries, in which I didn't know enough abt. Both parents are no longer living, I've estranged my sister & Mr.x & most of my family outside immediate family. My xfriends have been corrupted by the NarcNessMonsters!!
thanks for sharing
Two of some of my favorite therapist I love you guys
If not for humor, I never would have survived my family until I dismissed my family from my life.
:)
Right on right on !
Thank you both!
Truly grateful for sharing your wisdom !
You're welcome! ❤️
Love Terri Cooooooooole! Thanks, Jayson.
thanks!!!
Omg this was sooo helpful, thanks a million to both of you !!
Glad it was helpful!
Glad I came across this - definitely something I need to plan for the holidays coming up this year, since I'm staying at my parents place for longer than usual (unless it gets too much and I bail to a hotel!)
nice boundaries!
Terri you asked all of the right questions and she gave all the right answers!!!
do you have a favorite?
These power dynamics survival strategies are great and worth considering depending on the other person involved. I also like the schema therapy derived strategies that Wendy T. Behary teaches. Also, I really loved the examples given showing how to navigate complicated family dynamics. Thank you for another brilliant episode! ❤🙏
glad you liked it
damn, terri cole is so smart!!!! thank you for this!!!!
Thank you for watching!
Terri is always amazing 😘🙏🏻
yes
This is amazing thank you!!!!
Glad you like it!
This is incredibly helpful, thank you. thank you
Amazing, glad you liked it
Thank you Jason so much
wow powerful!! see my mum here described so well
Thanks for listening
I agree with most of what’s in this video, I do not agree with responding to dysfunctional questions or inappropriate questions with unrelated questions back to the person. If someone asks you why aren’t you married yet and you don’t have a good answer, it probably means you haven’t resolved this value misalignment yourself. If you are secure in yourself and know whether marriage is important to you or not you will give a clear answer back. For instance, If I do not plan on getting married, I simply say “Aunt Judy I am just not planning on getting married. And I really don’t want to discuss whether that’s important.” And walk away. I believe in being true to yourself at all times. No self deception because of others confusion.
nice
Thank you very much for this live video with Terri Cole. I love videos like these because I can relate. Can you make a video on narcissist siblings too?
Yes please 🙏🙏
Thank you!
Watching for courses I am currently enrolled in at College
I am Soo tired with my family.
I am sorry to hear that
I come from a dysfunctional family my relationship with my parents and my sister has always been rocky. I set boundaries with my sister and her husband and she refused to come to an understand with each other so I simply don’t come around to family events this has been going on since April. I have never had a good relationship with my sister and I can’t stand her husband they take advantage of my parents and always ask for money and help and was basically given my grandmas house it’s a long ass story but basically they lived on one side of my grandmas house her house is spilt into two houses since one side was like an office space and my grandma lived on other side .. they were required to pay rent to my grandma well my mom was middle person and she let my sister slide on paying rent for years and then my grandma passed in 2019 and they sell house to my sister but every thing is hush hush when before they would say everything about the housing process to us willingly so I found out they cut a great deal on house to them and basically my parents gave their half of money of sale of house(my aunt got other half) to my sister and my parents got nothing at all after my sister and her shit husband living on side of my grandmas house basically for 6 years rent free… I spoke up and said I would like for you to not speak around me about remodeling your house since you don’t deserve this house or anything she said no she wouldn’t so I blocked her number and blocked her on fb haven’t spoke to her 5 months and my parents got in middle of whenever I confronted her and took her side basically and said hurtful things to me and to this day hasn’t apologized my dad even tried to say how can we fix this between me and my sister and he said this to my husband and he said apologize to me and if my sister would respect my boundaries it would be appreciated but my dad said apologize to me for what.. my relationship with my parents is okay but I am still hurt my family is what you called enmeshed and everyone knows everyone business even minor shit I separated myself and set boundaries with my parents
Thanks for sharing this experience with us
I come from dysfunctional family, still my brothers are depending on me after thier 30years also. They don't do anything of themselves. I the eldest sibling. I'm tired to look after them. Please suggest
Learn how to set boundaries. Forgive yourself when you stumble.
what jessica said!
This is exactly what I came here for, literally shed a tear when I saw this question. The worst part is when siblings stone wall you when you set boundaries because after 22yrs, you’re tired of carrying a grown adult who takes zero responsibility for his life choices. Thank you
You want to talk about dysfunctional family. That is all there is in my family in Calif. I basically have no one but my 2 sons and siblings. My Aunt out here my whole life now im an adult.... never once told me she Loved Me. My cousins we are not close we see each other probably once every few years. There are no family Reunions im used to it though. Im use to having to be alone with no family support. One of my cousins i thought we were close once. But after a while i saw she was using me for money for her own gain. To this day i have no contact with her decided it was for the best.
Thanks for sharing your experience with us!
Just found you! Oh how I would love to talk to you... are you still on or have any podcasts I know this is old it says a year ago but you are great if you do read this!!
yes i do. go to relationshipschool.com
What do we do with the resentment that comes with having to be the one as the child to show the parents how to be emotionallt healthy? I have a lot of this is so unfair, but also knowing god is trying to make me stronger. Thabk you so much xx
"have to show the parents how" says who? There are no have tos as adults, only choices.
Says the pain and sadness in myself knowing that they are in pain.
Love the counsel, a suggestion of not using curse words will make it more professional.
Thanks for the suggestion! And glad you liked it!
Wise! Can’t wait to follow her.
glad you liked her. check out her channel
Why not just say, “I don’t feel comfortable answering that question,” instead of “Why do you ask?” It’s fine to be direct.
great point
WHAT IF IT IS MOTHER AND DAUGHTER PROBLEMS. LIKE YOU TALK ABOUT WITH MEN AND THEIR MOTHERS. MY MOM LOVES GUILT TRIPS AND TALKING BAD ABOUT ME TO OTHERS. BECAUSE SHE WANTS EVERYTHING DONE FOR HER OR SHE DOESN'T FEEL LOVED.
any reason you're typing in all caps?
You are both wrong
No CONTACT Period
explain
some of these things don’t align with other cultures
yes. like which ones?
So Unprofessional with the unnecessary cursing to make a point!
Don't listen or watch then please.
@@JaysonGaddis great answer
Jealous people everywhere. Why try to put down a content this good. Dysfunctional people 😂
@Drizzt I'm in my 60s now and I swear at times, especially when I'm on my own at home, as it gets my anger out in a safe way! Believe me, I've had a LOT to be angry about and it's a change from all the crying I've done over the years.
I've noticed that the f word is just a normal part of many people's vocabulary nowadays and I'm sure that Terri would've said something if it bothered her, which didn't seem to be the case. 🤬