@@VSOP300blkout it's a physical battle too and sometimes not just an issue within a person's heart. Someone might have the willpower to want to get clean but the physical dependence is what can make it difficult.
You certainly are not the only one! I'm 30 and I still struggle with the ptsd from traumatic drug and alcohol fueled horrors from years back. However I'm still not ready to call addiction a disease.
@@AICEMarineScience Sometimes jail (and forced detox) time can help people realize their mistakes and want to improve. I had my own mother committed and after a cpl weeks in the loony bin she came back to reality and has finally been recovering from 18 yrs of chaos. Wishing the best for you and your brother!
@@minischniers6535 That’s right. I grew up with both parents active in addiction. Two siblings in addiction. I recognized I was an addict by age thirteen and went into recovery by fifteen. I’ve spent my entire life in recovery (Im well into my senior years) Addiction is a choice. I lived in absolute terror of all my family members as far back as my memories go which is age three. They were all erratic, at times violent (a lot directed towards me) As I healed and grew in myself I eventually eliminated all addicts out of my life, family included, and have never regretted it.
What a sweetie. I’m so sorry young lady We lost our 16 year old son 4 years ago and now have a addicted daughter and our lives are crushed. Your the first person who we have heard mention the pain and what addiction does to the family
My brother died 9 years ago, on Christmas Day. He literally drank himself to death. It was heartbreaking to watch. No words can describe the agony of alcohol addiction.
I was almost the person everyone watched drink himself to death. I was acutely aware of their pain. Compulsion is a vicious beast. The people around you can't see that you are beating it over and over again - only your defeats are visible. I don't know what I'm trying to say here. The people around me were baffled because they thought I was making a choice. I wasn't. Nobody chooses that. Compulsion is a misunderstood defense mechanism. The more pain I caused to the people I loved, the more at its mercy I became. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
My father is a raging alcoholic for 30 + years now. He is the sweetest best person when sober...and an angry monster when drunk...he blacks out and doesn't remember....it's been a horror to watch...I love him so much and it's so terrible watching him suffer...May all people who have an alcohol problem or drug addiction not fear getting help and if the first time doesn't work keep trying....
I tried to get help for the 2nd time in September 2021. My insurance could only cover me for 2 weeks though and my company wanted me back at work. Long story short, I don’t work there anymore but have zero chance for rehab now. I don’t have insurance because I was fired and the cheapest one is $15k out of pocket. It’s not as easy as just getting help. Not even close
@@paulduffy4585 sounds good. It kind of gets me frustrated because a lot of people don’t understand. My old football coach texts me every now and then and tries the tough love approach. He says “if you really want to beat it then you will stop”. I told him I’ve had multiple seizures just stopping and he thinks I’m mentally weak.
Standing by someone who is slowly killing themselves is the most sad, and terrible suffering, especially for a mother. I just recently have been going thru this-I am fighting for guardianship for my 2 grandchildren. God help me.❤️
I feel your pain. My wife has chosen to be an alcoholic and her parents are desperate not to lose contact with our children. At some stage there will come a disastrous situation but until then the authorities in the UK feel our kids are better off with her around. She was drunk right through her last pregnancy and completely drunk for 2 years since. I have lost my business of 23 years because of her and literally can't trust her to go upstairs without coming back drunk. If you listen to alcoholics all they talk about is me, me, me. They literally dont care about anyone else. I hope everything has improved for you since you placed this post and your grandkids are aware of your love and pain.
My my mom got guardianship over my niece and nephew, they needed to publicly publish something in the paper... They ended up having custody full custody.. My piece of s sister abandoned both of the kids for 7 years
My sister suffered from anorexia and while not addiction it's very similar in terms of being a mental illness based on a sort of compulsion where the sufferer becomes almost possessed, and the stress on the family is huge. Understandably all the attention goes to the ill child, but the constant fear of the unthinkable is paralysing. What she's describing is very similar in many ways. It takes it's toll on the families more than the sufferer.
I grew up the child of a very mean alcoholic mother, and yes a lot here felt the same way as a kid. I ended up drinking heavily for 30 years and cutting her out of my life (14 years now) because I couldn't cope with it anymore. Finally sought help, got into treatment and started looking into what happens growing up with an alcoholic, and videos such as this. I now realize the fact that she was above all completely sick. An illness she did not choose! Which I believe will help with recovery in dealing with and letting go of the past. Thank you so much for this strong, positive speech. A tremendous spark to what therapy was already moving me towards.
@nathanfoss2838 Yes, but I've been one of the lucky ones. I've never had to manipulate or lie or thief off people. I've been able to afford my habit. It all started with a lejit prescription off the doctor. We can't help it if our tolerance goes up a bit. This can happen to anyone,especially after an accident like I did. I would not of even had that first tablet if the doctor told me I'd become dependent on them. The Dr didn't even explain that the meds contained opiate. I'd never even heard of oxycodone. The withdrawals are unbelievably bad. I've had a few friends kill themselves rather than go through that horrible illness. Not all addicts are bad people.
As someone who has struggled with addiction himself. I will say, i firmly believe all addicts have had something traumatic happen or have a chemical imbalance and are very depressed. No one goes thru the madness and pain of addiction for just a defect. The feeling you get from your chosen substance, is the feeling of normal. You finally feel balanced and soon you can’t live without it. Everyone searches for the thing that helps. Sadly for addicts it’s something that also hurts us. It’s our crutch, only difference is our crutch only makes our “broken leg” stay broken and continue to become more damaged. Amazing talk for real.
I don't necessarily see chemical differences as "imbalances". Each person/brain has their own unique individual chemistry/personally/genes/needs which MUST be worked WITH. If you are a "round peg" and family/society insists that you fit a "square hole" then you are accumulating complex traum. This shows up as something unhealthy, like addiction. And your repressors will likely be absolutely baffled, because your life was sooooo normal. I mostly see normal is an imbalance of the authentic self! I have no opinion about IF/where the family in this case might have gone wrong. No no no...they weren't the only influence on his life. The $y$tem is shallow, repressive and the perfect breeding/indoctrinating ground for this bs!
People abuse alcohol and illegal drugs because they are "typically" bipolar or suffer from another mental disease and are self medicating trying to feel a form of release. This one great huge reason Americans deserve access to mental health and its treatments. Unfortunaty, people are either killing themselves and others then winding up in the prison system, instead of mental health treatment because very wealthy influential people decided there was mega millions to profit from. Then states shut down State Hospitals and built more prisons all for profit. If our government does not change, this will continue change if they dont help funding of access in every community with proper care. Or close down excess prisons and find a way to help these people in dire need of mental health access.
21 years old and probably one of the best Ted talks I've ever heard youre amazing kiddo and thank you for your words you mean the world to me. I have struggled with Alcoholism my entire life and hearing you speak the way you did on this Talk made me feel very different about my disease and how I can heal it. Thank you so much
I’m curious what she means by vulnerability means listening to her sister and hoping she says the “right” thing. She speaks in a lot of generalizations. It is in the specifics that we learn and grow together. It is good not just identifying and expressing sadness and fear but anger and guilt. Instead of projecting those things onto the family scapegoat. In alcoholic families there tends to be unconscious acting out behaviors and narcissistic abuse. And tremendous lying. Cognitive distortions and logical fallacies. Power and control games. Politics and psychological warfare. Sadism and masochism. Exploitation and ennabling and extortion. Recovery is complex. It is an ongoing process. Real recovery tends to involve dramatic commitment to spiritual and moral principles and a transformation that is miraculous in nature. The mental recovery involves cognitive therapy and psychosocial education. The physical recovery ought to be addressed by doctors of integrative and functional medicine.
my brother has been an addict for 15 years, never worked, always took money from my family, and affected my mother's health who got cancer at a young age partially because of the stress. He has been a complete monster abusing everyone I love. I moved out when I was 18 but I never managed to heal out of trauma and everytime I think of the family which I love so much or come to visit them, the terror and trauma is refreshed. My parents are codependent and cant make him move out or react coherently and jointly to his abuse, forgiving him too much or getting mad and fighting with each other instead. We invested so much money into the rehab but he returns to the habit 1st day he comes back. He doesnt have any friends and just parasites on us, exhaust our life energy. I am so grateful that this lady spoke of the damage the addict makes on the family because they always treat me like I should not even worry because i live away and they dont acknowledge the trauma we all have. what keep me unresponsive is the fact that she says that she still loves his brother and he is brilliant while I feel like I hate him with the core of my soul and this hate keeps on growing in me knowing how much my family suffers because of this demon. When he is high he behaves like he is the king of the world, doing compulsive insane talking, never leaving them in peace even for a moment. I dont think he deserved the love she shares for his brother and often I am dreaming of his death or killing him to save them..... I have never revealed that and now I feel better knowing I amnt alone with that. I am just afraid I might get crazy or kill him one day. Does anybody else have these feelings also?
My older sister is 55yrs old. Since her late teens she's been an addict. Her and our mom have a codependent relationship, that after my dad died, 12yrs ago completely became out of control. Our mom is 82 with Parkinson's and is now broke, thankfully my other 2 siblings and I have homes and families and my mom has an in-law apartment. My sisters addiction and moms inability to say no, they are killing each other at this point and some days I'm so angry at both of them, others I'm terrified my sister will end her life, others my mom die from the stress. Today I picked my sister up from her apartment she was evicted from because she totaled the car my mom bought for her, there's nothing left, I dropped her off at a friend's house and I just pray at 55 she finally wakes up. I love her but I hate her and at this very moment wish she'd just go away and leave us all alone. The lies, stealing, self pity. I understand completely how you feel. I would love for her to just drop off the face of the earth but I would also love for her to finally get help. It's torture and deep down, I know it will not end until either she or my mom passed away.
My Brother who we all adore, is also an addict. It’s devastating for our family as he will be ok for a while, then slip back into it. I think yours is such a great perspective about addiction. As families, we all suffer in silence too much. We have Cancer awareness and support...Why not addiction awareness?! I hope this becomes a recognised thing in future. 💕
Yes we need more people like this. I'm sorry about your brother. I know what addiction is like exactly from personal experience. Yes it hurts everyone around us. It's very sad indeed
I feel this exact away about my older brother, it’s truly heartbreaking. As he slips we slip, we all try to figure out why and help but the lies and running away from it interfere. It’s so hard.
I too experience this with my brother. It’s heartbreaking with every relapse. Having your brother say I’ll just eventually die and you have to choke back the tears because you have to support him is not something I wish on anyone.
Im dealing with addiction right now smh. I went on a binge last night and didnt sleep and i was supposed to go to my parents house to wotk on my car and then go to work but i didnt and now i feel like the lowest of the low crying to my self cuz not only did i not go to work but didnt even leave my room to hangout with my family and children, 😔😔 a whole day wasted. im not myself when im high i just wanna delete myself
I searched for this and found exactly what I needed, not only a group of people in the comments who understand but this TEDTalk that can verify my feelings of my oldest brother being an addict for almost 10 years on and off. It affects my entire family and we all try to help in our best ways but there are too many underlying things we can’t fix ourselves which you wish so badly you can. It hurts. Thank you for this. x when you told the story of no one but you and your oldest brother, I have had this exact situation happen to me. Chilling to hear you’ve experienced the same thing.
My younger brother is struggling with addiction. It has been very hard on all of us lately up to the point that all of us are desperate. I love my brother very much and fear for his life and not just his but also my family. I am the oldest sibling and want to fix all of it but don’t know how to be of help.. either to him or the rest of my family. Shame is a very big part of all of it.. his actions, what other people think and if we are the bad people. Thank you for sharing your story! It was very relatable and gave me the feeling we are not alone in this. I hope my brother will win his battle. I know that there will always be love for him even when it’s hard. He is not his addiction ❤
You are not alone. I have felt this very same way for 15+ years. Please take care of yourself. You can lose your mind and health trying to save someone’s life you cannot control.
@@margotvazquez9075 thank you! It’s comforting to know that we’re not alone in this. I will 🙏✨ thank you again for replying to my comment, means a lot 😊
I am a Substance Abuse Prevention Teacher who visits schools and churches to teach about drugs, addictions, and how to love others through all this. I have never gotten such good training as I got today from watching this video. Bravo!
You can't love them through it. Only God can do that. Often...loving them through it is simply accepting and enabling. Only tough love works. God Bless 🙌 🙏 ❤️
my therapy is listening to others stories about how they deal with their loved ones addictions, and I thank you all for sharing about your hardships. my big brother is sober now from drugs, thank god and I am so proud of him. but my two little sisters have now taken his place in active addiction. At different points, I have lost all my sibling to this disease and it is the most lonely feeling. I constantly live with anxiety and fear... living with this feeling everyday causes a lot of pain, but I do my best to be someone they can look up to if they ever decide to come back into my life. anyway, thx for reading
When you said that you didn't care about your life anymore like going to school, doing homework, meeting friends that really hit me because that was how I felt growing up. I couldn't understand how all the kids in school were focused on getting good grades and school drama and friendship groups when all I could think of was my dad and what he had done the night before or if he was going to be okay and what would happen. It just takes away your childhood and happiness.
thank you for shedding light on what families go through in terms of having to accept death of a living loved one in order to cope. Without discussions like this wellness cannot occur. Anonymity reinforces the shame of addiction. We all have mental health and addressing this disease is needed rather than shaming it and teaching for healing.
Thank you Sam, you shed plenty of light on how my disease effected my family. With certain family and friends is hard to not be anonymous because we feel that they won’t understand or will judge. But others we’ve opened up too have only shown love and support. We all hope to conquer this thing and live a happy, and healthy life. Going to be in treatment any day now and feel a little scared and happy at the same time.
I wish you success with your treatment. I suggest trying to find ways to nourish yourself, emotionally, with healthy food, with reading helpful books that you enjoy, surround yourself with people who encourage you, & watch comedies. (Laughter really is great medicine, even if it's temporary). Remind yourself that you are worth it. G-d put you on this earth.
This is the first time I have learned about how this has effected other families or a family member. Thank you for this, I have been trying to save my daughter for years, alone and you are right, no one really cares to listen or understands the pain I am experiencing. No where to turn. I wake up everyday wondering if she will live.
Fear and shame, reinforced by insane criminalization connected to drug and alcohol addiction, are indeed the driving factors for anonymity, combined with keeping recovery available for all, without personalities taking over and closing anyone outside of it. This was an excellent talk, and I enjoyed hearing it!
Thank you Sam. Think how many families have suffered in silence in these ways. Think of the number of families in North America grieving the loss of a loved one. We must lose the stigma. Addiction is a disease, it is not a moral failing. spread the word everyone. Lets end the stigma!
Addiction is a symptom of deeper issues. So many focus on the symptoms and not the root cause. If addiction is a disease, then what is the disease behind the disease?
@conte de fées I'm an addict (now clean). Sometimes it's best to face those deeper problems privately with 1 family member or friend you KNOW you can trust but I must admit as someone who got totally clean it was a crucial thing to open up to that trusted person about it as I could have easily slipped back down that slippery slope.
The grand majority of addicts have a root cause, a lot of them deny that anything caused them trauma, and that stimulates the addiction. Numbing to forget, feeling that warm hug they never got as a child. My family looked normal too..., looks can be deceiving.
The deeper issue may be an accident which caused injuries requiring pain management and the patient became dependent on the narcotics. After the prescription medications are stopped the patient seeks it, the drugged feeling, in other ways. Maybe through another doctor, claiming a need for pain relief. Then they became an addict. They can quit if they want to. It requires work.
I needed to hear this as the person that caused these feelings... It hurts to understand and face what it not only causes yourself but the effect on the ones you love so much...
Addiction is a dark disease. My son’s suffering has brought us salvation. We finally see the light. GREAT talk. I applaud you for being vulnerable and sharing the light. LOVE.
My 16 year old, once vibrant and happy son is an addict. In the space of one year he has become someone I do not know. He is a criminal and a liar and completely lost. This is physically the most painful thing I have ever endured. I understand your fear and suicidal thoughts as I live it every day.
Theresa F I would encourage you to attend “Celebrate Recovery” meetings for yourself. I am in your shoes as well and I get so much out of these meetings. We have to take care of ourselves.
Dr. Gabor Maté has done very insightful work with addicts. Sometimes trauma can be very subtle. Framing addiction as a disease was the norm for a long time and thankfully, is now being questioned.
We are anonymous because we acknowledge how badly egos have f’d us up. Egos are false selves mostly, and are driven by fear, which drives us to numb ourselves out. In meetings, with unconditional and nonjudgmental support, we are vulnerable. I couldn’t show vulnerability in my family-it wasn’t allowed.
Family secrets can persist. Being raised by a doctor's family, we would never think of sharing the deep dark secret that my father was a serious alcoholic. The pressure placed on a first born in a doctor's family can be enough to have you believing you are worthless. Implicit memories (subconscious memories) can also create serious issues of insecurity and abandonment. These can occur with issues of parental conflict and postpartum depression. Babies do not know what is wrong with mom. There is much more than meets the eye. Trauma and the lack of a consistently available healthy parent can mess a little baby up. Those implicit memories do not go away without healing and awareness. I would hope that more people educate themselves to the many factors which can leave a person in a state of mind that a drug can substitute for real down to earth love and connectivity. They are people suffering from a disease. With most diseases we strive for healing. With addiction we are inclined to place blame somewhere. Perhaps we should all become part of the solution not part of the problem.
Phil this is absolutely brilliant. Thank you for your insight. I agree with you whole-heartedly. We cast blame with addiction so readily when that is not where focus should be. We need the focus to be on healing and loving people.
Love your perspective, I do believe a feeling of disconnection is what largely contributes to addiction. The pressure of lifes expectations that must be met, especially in combination with conditional love dependent on meeting obligations, can cause a desire to disconnect from your emotions and relationships. When we don't feel like ourselves and that we/our life is worthwile (connected, stable, secure, and content), we reach for something external to make us feel good. Whether that be engaging in destructive "socially validating" or "status building" behaviors, or drug addiction. Life feels worthwhile when you are high on drugs or attention, the key is to finding fulfillment outside of drugs and superficial means. It takes a constant practice of gratitude and sense of fulfillment coming from faith in the value of the simple things that make us feel connected to one another and life's bigger meaning. We have to do this in spite of what culture tells us will make us happy, and it's not easy. People have all sorts of addictions, some of these addictions change people into monsters, even more than drug addiction has the potential to. It's just so happens that non-drug addictions are socially acceptable because our culture thrives on over-consumption.
Sam, I know your family from Tampa and knew you at St. Mary's. I'm so proud of you for the courage this took and the vulnerability you have shown. My family also has addiction inside of it and I have felt so many of the same feelings you have described. Once you know another person or family struggles with this, we all become more connected. It is my prayer that God will heal our loved ones and will give all of our hearts the strength to support each other through the hard times. Congrats on your beautiful talk. Know that you are not alone.
Thank you Rebecca for your vulnerability, kind words, and empathy. It truly means the world to me. I pray that together we can all create a community of healing and solidarity.
@@samfowler6298 If you're still on TH-cam, honestly, I think you're the best person to ask. I'm 12, and I have an alcoholic mother. I've told my grandparents, they've done the best they can to stop it, but my mom gets really angry when I try to get them involved. And whenever I bring it up she calls me an "enemy of fun" and a "privileged child" and manipulates me into keeping my mouth shut. What should I do?
@@samfowler6298 thank you for this!! Thank you for shining the light on addiction! I'm an addict myself, in recovery yes but I'll always be an addict, and your words touched me so much! Idk what im trying to say but thank you just thank you!!
Please reply to this if you’d like to chat individually somehow! I am so so sorry to hear this, I can’t imagine what a difficult situation that must be
Very well done Sam. So brave and courageous to tell your story. As a recovered Alcoholic working as an addiction recovery coach, I see all to often the stigma and the struggles in the family and I agree with you, the family suffers do to the fact, as you said, they are sober and are witness to the fear of the addicts actions.
My oldest sister is a very bad alcoholic and addict; she has what I’ve personally referred to as competitive addiction-it just escalates. When she was in the hospital one time, recovering from coke/meth/alcohol withdrawal after my father (her step father’s) death, she was drenched in sweat and she was pulling the IV out of her arm and squirting blood everywhere. It was awful and it’s part of the reason why I don’t really drink or try hard drugs that often, myself. Thank you for this TEDx talk, it’s very insightful. ❤️
I think you are the sweetest and most passionate person ever! It definitely took great courage to stand up and speak out about this. Please keep talking out about this and trying to break the stigma of addiction. I made it a life goal to help those struggling with addiction to find treatment, peace, and love that they desire! It is an uphill battle, but it can be done and it needs to be addressed in a compassionate manner for the individual, the family, and the community.
Thank you for having the courage to step out of the shadows and to encourage all families to stop hiding and thank you for talking about what addiction does to a family.
My brother is an abusive alcoholic. This has been an issue for almost 5 years now. He drinks almost every single day. At first he would drink to fall asleep due to high anxiety and anger. As time went by he started drinking more and move every single day. He even got a DUI a destroyed his car. After that he started fighting with everyone especially my dad. It was verbal abuse at first but it escalated to physical and emotional abuse. When my dad passed away from covid his drinking only got worst. We tried to find him therapy, rehab, and show our support. Nothing seams to help since he refuses to help himself. We cannot force him to go to rehab, but we are forced to take his abuse since we love him and can’t turn our backs on him. Things have only gotten worst after he was fired from his job. He has so much debt, no health insurance, or income. This gives him a lot of free time to keep drinking and feel sorry for himself. It has gotten to the point that he has hit me and my mother. We feel stuck between the love we have for him, and the anger he makes us feel when he drinks. I do agree that family members suffer more than the addict. We are forced to see them destroy themselves, and their health. We are forced to stay by their side in fear that they would hurt themselves. We are forced to take all the verbal, emotional, and physical abuse because we lack the resources for other living accommodations. We are forced to see the person we love so much hate us so much. Every single day he demonstrates how much he hates us, and I see how much it hurts my mother. Not only am I seeing my brother get hurt, but I see every single person in our family suffer because of that.
Isabella I can feel what you going through just stay strong and takecare of your mother. I hope you and your mother is doing fine. I know exactly how it feels, the pain the agony I can feel you. Takecare.
Evict him from your house. You won't be free until you do. He won't change until he is forced to. Homeless makes people change. He is a danger to you and your Mom. Prayers for you, her, and him.
I can appreciate how kind and open minded she is about addiction. It’s hard for me to do that when a loved one keeps relapsing. It’s good to be reminded though that it’s best to stay mindful.
My son is 34 years old he is a heroine addict and he was living with us off and on for the last 15 years. He does good then relapses... Last week he relapsed and I told him since he doesn't want to go to rehab that he needs to move out and he did and now I feel so guilty. Did you go through this as well and did I make the wrong decision.
@@utube0372 I sympathize your with situations, as there is only so much we can do for a loved one who has addiction issues. The thing with addiction is that it’s always a constant struggle with that person and it affects everyone around them. It’s a draining cycle to try to support someone whose an addict and it can take a toll on you. I know that there is only so much a loved one can do, and you have to live your own life eventually without constantly living in fear. I can’t say for sure if everything will go smoothly for them living on there own, but all we can do is hope that they learn being sober is the only way they can survive. I hope you and your loved one peace and love.
@@ninamartin5240 thank you for your response. I really appreciate it. It's very true it puts a huge toll on us and all we can do is keep praying for them. God bless you. Have a wonderful day!
You are so strong. I have never heard someone speak about addiction with so much strength. You inspire me and I am also 21, I hope I can deal with the addiction in my family as strongly.
This is really great because lots of people when talking about drugs talk about the effect it has on your body but not the effect it has on the family. No one talks about the distrust and suspicion you get after watching a family member get high or drunk. I haven't been able to trust my brother in a year
Thank you for your courage..our family relates to this completely..We lost our family member to this disease in 2016..my son..I will share with my son and daughter who are still with us..For the people who are battling the "family Disease" This will be so helpful..We all need to talk about it as Silence feeds the disease
This is really helping me process my 15 year old little sister being admitted to a rehab, and seeing that the addiction started 3 years ago. The pain in this slow change, the mix of it with mental illness and bad friends, our enabling, and now recognizing this exists. Naming it addiction. Dealing with it. And loving my sister and wanting to help her. I am so lucky to have her and miss her and want her better. Thanks for being open
Thank you so much for sharing your personal story and perspective because it really helped me. I'm dealing with my husband's addiction and unfortunately we're going through a divorce...so working on getting support and getting through one day at a time. Thanks again! God bless you and your family! 🙏🏼❤️🩹
I’m watching this currently knowing my brother is in a dark space (again). He has been an addict for 10 years, but I have only known for the past 3. I am 24 & he is 27. It is absolutely heartbreaking knowing they were doing better, but seeing the signs that they aren’t.. I can’t describe the impact it’s had on my family & myself. I needed this to know that there are others like me.
I thought I was alone too, but you're not, and I'm not. I'm 27 and my elder brothers 29 and 33. I can't say it gets any easier as they relapse so all I can do is send hugs to a random stranger over the Internet, and I hope you feel it. ❤
My mum has a problem with alcohol and when she talk about being scared of someone who is part of your fam. The fact that that person is numb i unsterstand her. I remember I had a panic attack and i was asking for help to my mum. And she said to me "do you want i cry for you? You want compassion?" and we know that she is drunk and maybe she doesn't think that but it breaks your heart.
The issue I have with addicts is the lying. I don’t blame them for the issue, just continual deception. I agree that the family suffers even more than the addict. I can’t seem to get away from it.
Lying is a survival skill and used to continue living in addiction. Understanding and and accepting the person is key, but we don't have to like or accept the behaviors.
That and them using manipulation and emotional abuse to get at you and been called a slob once cuz i didn't wanna help an addicted relative finish his work at his job and I told him off he got mad cux I didn't wanna cancel plans I made a week in advance to help him at his work I'm like I don't work there
Thank you amazing girl! I am struggling with addiction and I was searching for something that I won’t describe here but I found it in your speech! Thank you for having the courage to speak freely because that ultimately helped me in the way I needed it and I’m sure it will help other people as well in different other ways. Love from London 💕
Everything you mentioned happened exactly to my ex, and also I reacted the same like you said, which is blame on her family. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. The world needs this now
Well done Sam! I myself experienced a lot of this. I was your brother and you at different times in my life. Just keep working on yourself and don't give up.
My ex is an addict, we have a 1 year old daughter together and she lost custody and our daughter placed in my care. Watching her go through this destroys me, I still love her and she reaches out to me constantly asking me to help her get help. I want to see her better, I want our daughter to have her mother however I'm not allowed to get her the help she asks for because if I do I lose my kids. The courts have ordered it because of her addiction as well as she suffers from PTSD, that as well destroys me even more, that when she is ready I cannot support her through it either.
Anonymity is a choice for members of AA and Al Anon. The decision to remain an anonymous recovering alcoholic stems from society's prejudice against and ignorance of alcoholism. The automatic stereotyping of alcoholics is beyond the alcoholic control, but can seriously damage their personal and professional future. The choice to remain anonymous allows others to judge the recovering alcoholic for who they are and not just as an addict.
Great talk, I found out for myself that it’s ok to treat your addicted love ones as normal as possible but always take care of yourself, if you give them anything don’t expect it back
3 days after my brother got out of rehab for fentanyl and was doing amazing for the first time in years, my dad poured him a glass of wine at dinner. I asked him not to give it to him and he got so angry at me and threatened to cut ties. My family has been ripped apart by this disease.
I just had a therapy session discussing my father I haven’t talked to in almost 5 years. My 5th year of sobriety date is also the last day I ever talked to him. I think it would have helped us both if we had talked about our addiction(s) together but it’s very hard for the above stated reasons. I wish this video found me sooner. It is definitely helpful though. I think you are a brave and brilliant woman who has so much love for you family and for the people around you. Thank you for reassuring me that my emotions are not a weakness and that they empower me. I think what you’re doing is beautiful and I’m glad your voice is being heard. I was so happy to hear everything you had to say, thank you so much ❤️
She's dealt with an addict for 5 yrs, try being around one for over two decades. My question is how to love an addict and not be an enabler at the same time? In my case the addict has done all of the above plus told countless lies that have eroded trust. How can you love someone you cannot trust?
After a couple of decades, certainly love can be eradicated. You can love the family dog, but if it gets rabies, certainly you must distance yourself from it. In your case perhaps the only thing you can do is to make sure they know where the door for help is. Ultimately it’s up to them to walk through it.
I think one difference is that Sam is one of the children in the family, not the responsible parent. That takes a bit of the pressure off her, although she may have to sometimes take care of him, as she expressed.
Countless lies of my dad going to liquor store always found him on the floor crawling spread out like a sick spider murmured something and it’s very hard to deal with he is 61 and I’m 27 I let him move in with me and now I have to kick him out cause I cannot see him die in my house. What can I do? Social services adults is for 65 and older
my sister passed away from addiction sadly. She was an active addict for 12 years of my life and i'm only 21. It will be trauma i'll struggle with my whole life. I wish i could've had the proper closure and healing with her.
This was beautifully given. As someone who has struggled & has seen family members struggle, your perspective feels like my family’s & how they feel. Thank you
What a beautiful young soul! I pray for recovery for your brother and your family. I am a mother of an addicted son, daughter of an addicted father, sister to an addicted brother and sister, granddaughter to an addicted grandfather, was a spouse to an addict...addiction sucks the very life out of those who love you. Your voice is still being heard 4 yrs later, and you make a huge difference in many lives. My prayers are with you. You have accomplished more at 21 yrs young than I have in 50yrs...the hardest thing to give is forgiveness, I am trying to forgive the pain from addiction but it is hard. I am so angry with my father and kids' father for being addicts. They stole my childhood and delayed my ability to protect my children, now my son...my baby boy is an addict. Brilliant mind, artistic, loving soul. In prison for 25 yrs because of addiction. His life was stolen by addiction. His charismatic soul isn't shared with society, he has so much promise. Being incarcerated at 18yrs old for 25 yrs doesn't leave much time for life enjoyment. First offense, never in trouble before. I am still angry.
@@amysho2192 thank you for your thoughts. I firmly believe that a strong bond with our community (both close and far) is a key to healing and forgiveness.
This opened my mind more. I really needed to hear these words.Thank you. Tonight, My mother, she accused me of stealing money. While after she was doing her thing. She does this from time to time. It's hard on me. It's bad enough I already get anxiety but when she starts accusing me, like she does, I know it's her drugs, I gave up on arguing back telling her no,there in the moment, it changes nothing. Just makes things worse. I leave, and give her space and give me space. It's sad. Really really sad. And then she accused me of stealing the money and doing drugs myself. In a voicemail couple hours later. I've never touched anything like that! Never needles. Never anything. My knowledge on using, each way is so small. I don't even know how they do it. I don't want to know. All I've ever done was smoke cigarettes, weed and drink coffee. Literally that's all I've ever touch. Those are my addictions,I'm stuck in a cycle with. Keep trying myself to even quit weed,but keep falling back into it, but I will keep trying and not give up. I mean..coffee lol no,its not that bad. But yes anyways this Ted talk helped me tonight. Thanks for this. ❤️after I heard her voice mail I knew right away I had to check out what videos I can find on TH-cam!
Thank You Sam your Courage is your strength , im suffering in silence and wish to talk to someone however that word or feeling of shame and other emotions keep this dilema at bay. can you or some readers that have recomendations in Melbourne Australia as it is a Global fenominom , i pray for all the silent Parents and siblings to be as courgageous as you have Shown on this Talk , Thank You and may you find rest and healing also for Your Brother to be healed of this health challenge and your Family also ,
My older brother is 16 and is struggling with addiction for over a year now. Sam has motivated me to ask questions Express how I feel. Sometimes I feel that I can not say how I'm truly feeling because then people will just be like u just want attention. I have been keeping my mouth closed and in those days when my brother has gone out to a party I always worry in the morning if hes gonna be ok. I have those days when we have had to rush him to the hospital, days when hes over dossed, days when hes completelylost it. I've gonna nights without sleeping worrying about what's gonna happen next. I agree that we need to bring addiction out of the shadows and not be ashamed of people affected by this disease. So thank you Sam for this amazing speech 💕
My brother is addict too. He's ruining our lives by not getting help. He can go to a rehab center for free. Some have gone for 2 years and changed. He won't go and my father won't stop enabling him. I'm taking care of our mother who has lung cancer. He smoked in the house for years and even after her diagnosis he'd smoke on his room. But the smoke still seeps through. I can't handle this anymore and I don't trust him. On top of all this he tried to hit me when I tried to stop my dad from working for him. My father is the enabler. I feel hopeless. And everyone we know is too busy in their own affairs. He went to rehab 17 k for a month - came back worse. I have a feeling they want him to fail. That's why I want to send him to this free place where I feel he will get better help.
Shes spot on. Great video to learn what my mom went through with me. Not knowing if I was safe or not. Now she's addicted to opiates as well as me and my sister. I'm also a recovering alcoholic. She's right on about the darkness and staying in that darkness. We become self loathing and hate ourselves for what we have done. But then bring light to it and tell your story you'll find more and more people just like yourself.
It's often not what happened to you as a child, but what didn't happen to you. Were you loved?, did you have someone who saw and helped you to see what was best in you?, or were they critical and/or indifferent
@@ritagamez3732 yes; the substance is only the painkiller, the pain is the problem. Depression has to be something a person wants to get over. A lot of people don’t because it means having to deal with reality. In this way, depression can be an escape.
Thank you so much for a very inspiring and endearing story of your family and your brother I think the take away is that darkness thrives on darkness and if we keep addiction in the dark as she said we can’t get it solved and through love we can solve all and we can heal ourselves and our loved ones. they may not quit but at least we can join them in the journey of healing and healing is a consistent 2nd by 2nd day by day process and arm I think that’s what’s important thank you
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You are lucky if you’ve never seen drugs change a person you love
If you’re lucky you will never experience drug addiction due to lack of love....
Not lucky... Blessed...!!!!!
This was so powerful ❤
True
@@VSOP300blkout it's a physical battle too and sometimes not just an issue within a person's heart. Someone might have the willpower to want to get clean but the physical dependence is what can make it difficult.
Watching someone you love do bad things is the hardest thing ever
Honestly, I’m happy I’m not the only person who has had to live with this. Thank you for this.
You certainly are not the only one! I'm 30 and I still struggle with the ptsd from traumatic drug and alcohol fueled horrors from years back. However I'm still not ready to call addiction a disease.
So far... this is my story with my older brother. He actually got out of jail last week. 🤦🏻♀️ I’m 33. This has been going on for 24years
@@AICEMarineScience Sometimes jail (and forced detox) time can help people realize their mistakes and want to improve. I had my own mother committed and after a cpl weeks in the loony bin she came back to reality and has finally been recovering from 18 yrs of chaos. Wishing the best for you and your brother!
@@minischniers6535 That’s right. I grew up with both parents active in addiction. Two siblings in addiction. I recognized I was an addict by age thirteen and went into recovery by fifteen. I’ve spent my entire life in recovery (Im well into my senior years) Addiction is a choice. I lived in absolute terror of all my family members as far back as my memories go which is age three. They were all erratic, at times violent (a lot directed towards me) As I healed and grew in myself I eventually eliminated all addicts out of my life, family included, and have never regretted it.
Pop
What a sweetie.
I’m so sorry young lady
We lost our 16 year old son 4 years ago and now have a addicted daughter and our lives are crushed. Your the first person who we have heard mention the pain and what addiction does to the family
I am so sorry for the pain that you've had to deal with. I'm so so sorry.
Kat H
Your kind. Thanks
So sorry to read your comment. God bless you and your family. A year later, I pray your daughter got the help she needed
How do you function? I’m so consumed with fear and worry for my child I feel like I can’t even breathe.
I am so sorry to hear about this 😔
My brother died 9 years ago, on Christmas Day. He literally drank himself to death. It was heartbreaking to watch. No words can describe the agony of alcohol addiction.
I was almost the person everyone watched drink himself to death. I was acutely aware of their pain. Compulsion is a vicious beast. The people around you can't see that you are beating it over and over again - only your defeats are visible. I don't know what I'm trying to say here. The people around me were baffled because they thought I was making a choice. I wasn't. Nobody chooses that. Compulsion is a misunderstood defense mechanism. The more pain I caused to the people I loved, the more at its mercy I became. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
My father is a raging alcoholic for 30 + years now. He is the sweetest best person when sober...and an angry monster when drunk...he blacks out and doesn't remember....it's been a horror to watch...I love him so much and it's so terrible watching him suffer...May all people who have an alcohol problem or drug addiction not fear getting help and if the first time doesn't work keep trying....
I tried to get help for the 2nd time in September 2021. My insurance could only cover me for 2 weeks though and my company wanted me back at work.
Long story short, I don’t work there anymore but have zero chance for rehab now. I don’t have insurance because I was fired and the cheapest one is $15k out of pocket.
It’s not as easy as just getting help. Not even close
@@notsure725 gonna get back to you when I get a chance here - have to get kids to bed.
@@paulduffy4585 sounds good. It kind of gets me frustrated because a lot of people don’t understand. My old football coach texts me every now and then and tries the tough love approach. He says “if you really want to beat it then you will stop”. I told him I’ve had multiple seizures just stopping and he thinks I’m mentally weak.
Darkness thrives in the darkness… amen.
Thank you for being so brave and speaking with clarity and sense.
This beautiful young lady is absolutely amazing. What a gift to hear her story. Thank you and God bless you.
Standing by someone who is slowly killing themselves is the most sad, and terrible suffering, especially for a mother. I just recently have been going thru this-I am fighting for guardianship for my 2 grandchildren. God help me.❤️
I feel your pain. My wife has chosen to be an alcoholic and her parents are desperate not to lose contact with our children. At some stage there will come a disastrous situation but until then the authorities in the UK feel our kids are better off with her around. She was drunk right through her last pregnancy and completely drunk for 2 years since. I have lost my business of 23 years because of her and literally can't trust her to go upstairs without coming back drunk. If you listen to alcoholics all they talk about is me, me, me.
They literally dont care about anyone else. I hope everything has improved for you since you placed this post and your grandkids are aware of your love and pain.
My beautiful oldest son !! Just flew out to rehab today as a mother I’m petrified I don’t want to lose him
@@79britchik Hardest part is getting him there in the first place. I feel for you and wish you good luck x
May God bless you!
My my mom got guardianship over my niece and nephew, they needed to publicly publish something in the paper... They ended up having custody full custody..
My piece of s sister abandoned both of the kids for 7 years
My sister suffered from anorexia and while not addiction it's very similar in terms of being a mental illness based on a sort of compulsion where the sufferer becomes almost possessed, and the stress on the family is huge. Understandably all the attention goes to the ill child, but the constant fear of the unthinkable is paralysing. What she's describing is very similar in many ways. It takes it's toll on the families more than the sufferer.
I grew up the child of a very mean alcoholic mother, and yes a lot here felt the same way as a kid. I ended up drinking heavily for 30 years and cutting her out of my life (14 years now) because I couldn't cope with it anymore. Finally sought help, got into treatment and started looking into what happens growing up with an alcoholic, and videos such as this. I now realize the fact that she was above all completely sick. An illness she did not choose! Which I believe will help with recovery in dealing with and letting go of the past. Thank you so much for this strong, positive speech. A tremendous spark to what therapy was already moving me towards.
I'm a opiate addict of 10 years and I'm so so sorry for the things we do but we truly do not wish to hurt anyone. Thank you for your talk.
How is it going for you today?
Do you understand why people want to break away from you?
@nathanfoss2838 Yes, but I've been one of the lucky ones. I've never had to manipulate or lie or thief off people. I've been able to afford my habit. It all started with a lejit prescription off the doctor. We can't help it if our tolerance goes up a bit. This can happen to anyone,especially after an accident like I did. I would not of even had that first tablet if the doctor told me I'd become dependent on them. The Dr didn't even explain that the meds contained opiate. I'd never even heard of oxycodone. The withdrawals are unbelievably bad. I've had a few friends kill themselves rather than go through that horrible illness. Not all addicts are bad people.
As someone who has struggled with addiction himself. I will say, i firmly believe all addicts have had something traumatic happen or have a chemical imbalance and are very depressed. No one goes thru the madness and pain of addiction for just a defect. The feeling you get from your chosen substance, is the feeling of normal. You finally feel balanced and soon you can’t live without it. Everyone searches for the thing that helps. Sadly for addicts it’s something that also hurts us. It’s our crutch, only difference is our crutch only makes our “broken leg” stay broken and continue to become more damaged.
Amazing talk for real.
I don't necessarily see chemical differences as "imbalances". Each person/brain has their own unique individual chemistry/personally/genes/needs which MUST be worked WITH. If you are a "round peg" and family/society insists that you fit a "square hole" then you are accumulating complex traum. This shows up as something unhealthy, like addiction. And your repressors will likely be absolutely baffled, because your life was sooooo normal. I mostly see normal is an imbalance of the authentic self!
I have no opinion about IF/where the family in this case might have gone wrong. No no no...they weren't the only influence on his life. The $y$tem is shallow, repressive and the perfect breeding/indoctrinating ground for this bs!
I’ve been abusing alcohol for 3+ years now and this hit home.
round pegs do fit square holes. i think its supposed to be the other way around
@@JESSEXTO I just saw this hope you’re doin well don’t ever give up and know you ain’t alone
People abuse alcohol and illegal drugs because they are "typically" bipolar or suffer from another mental disease and are self medicating trying to feel a form of release. This one great huge reason Americans deserve access to mental health and its treatments.
Unfortunaty, people are either killing themselves and others then winding up in the prison system, instead of mental health treatment because very wealthy influential people decided there was mega millions to profit from. Then states shut down State Hospitals and built more prisons all for profit. If our government does not change, this will continue change if they dont help funding of access in every community with proper care. Or close down excess prisons and find a way to help these people in dire need of mental health access.
21 years old and probably one of the best Ted talks I've ever heard youre amazing kiddo and thank you for your words you mean the world to me. I have struggled with Alcoholism my entire life and hearing you speak the way you did on this Talk made me feel very different about my disease and how I can heal it. Thank you so much
It’s been 7months how’s it going?
I’m curious what she means by vulnerability means listening to her sister and hoping she says the “right” thing. She speaks in a lot of generalizations. It is in the specifics that we learn and grow together. It is good not just identifying and expressing sadness and fear but anger and guilt. Instead of projecting those things onto the family scapegoat. In alcoholic families there tends to be unconscious acting out behaviors and narcissistic abuse. And tremendous lying. Cognitive distortions and logical fallacies. Power and control games. Politics and psychological warfare. Sadism and masochism. Exploitation and ennabling and extortion. Recovery is complex. It is an ongoing process. Real recovery tends to involve dramatic commitment to spiritual and moral principles and a transformation that is miraculous in nature. The mental recovery involves cognitive therapy and psychosocial education. The physical recovery ought to be addressed by doctors of integrative and functional medicine.
@@misstmemrs I think she was referring to her brother listening to her give this talk, hoping she would represent him in a way he can accept.
Oh.
Hope you are well 🙏🏽
Great job, This has helped me to realize how my son’s alcoholism is affecting his siblings.
I believe the sincerity in❤ her voice. Absolute flawless message. Addict is always the darkness that breeds more pain
my brother has been an addict for 15 years, never worked, always took money from my family, and affected my mother's health who got cancer at a young age partially because of the stress. He has been a complete monster abusing everyone I love. I moved out when I was 18 but I never managed to heal out of trauma and everytime I think of the family which I love so much or come to visit them, the terror and trauma is refreshed. My parents are codependent and cant make him move out or react coherently and jointly to his abuse, forgiving him too much or getting mad and fighting with each other instead. We invested so much money into the rehab but he returns to the habit 1st day he comes back. He doesnt have any friends and just parasites on us, exhaust our life energy.
I am so grateful that this lady spoke of the damage the addict makes on the family because they always treat me like I should not even worry because i live away and they dont acknowledge the trauma we all have. what keep me unresponsive is the fact that she says that she still loves his brother and he is brilliant while I feel like I hate him with the core of my soul and this hate keeps on growing in me knowing how much my family suffers because of this demon. When he is high he behaves like he is the king of the world, doing compulsive insane talking, never leaving them in peace even for a moment. I dont think he deserved the love she shares for his brother and often I am dreaming of his death or killing him to save them.....
I have never revealed that and now I feel better knowing I amnt alone with that. I am just afraid I might get crazy or kill him one day. Does anybody else have these feelings also?
My older sister is 55yrs old. Since her late teens she's been an addict.
Her and our mom have a codependent relationship, that after my dad died, 12yrs ago completely became out of control.
Our mom is 82 with Parkinson's and is now broke, thankfully my other 2 siblings and I have homes and families and my mom has an in-law apartment. My sisters addiction and moms inability to say no, they are killing each other at this point and some days I'm so angry at both of them, others I'm terrified my sister will end her life, others my mom die from the stress.
Today I picked my sister up from her apartment she was evicted from because she totaled the car my mom bought for her, there's nothing left, I dropped her off at a friend's house and I just pray at 55 she finally wakes up. I love her but I hate her and at this very moment wish she'd just go away and leave us all alone. The lies, stealing, self pity.
I understand completely how you feel. I would love for her to just drop off the face of the earth but I would also love for her to finally get help. It's torture and deep down, I know it will not end until either she or my mom passed away.
@@stayathomecichlidmom3579 🖤
Thank you for sharing. I agree with all you have shared. Addicts destroy families. They take families down.
My Brother who we all adore, is also an addict. It’s devastating for our family as he will be ok for a while, then slip back into it. I think yours is such a great perspective about addiction. As families, we all suffer in silence too much. We have Cancer awareness and support...Why not addiction awareness?! I hope this becomes a recognised thing in future. 💕
How's your brother now
Yes we need more people like this. I'm sorry about your brother. I know what addiction is like exactly from personal experience. Yes it hurts everyone around us. It's very sad indeed
I feel this exact away about my older brother, it’s truly heartbreaking. As he slips we slip, we all try to figure out why and help but the lies and running away from it interfere. It’s so hard.
I too experience this with my brother. It’s heartbreaking with every relapse. Having your brother say I’ll just eventually die and you have to choke back the tears because you have to support him is not something I wish on anyone.
Im dealing with addiction right now smh.
I went on a binge last night and didnt sleep and i was supposed to go to my parents house to wotk on my car and then go to work but i didnt and now i feel like the lowest of the low crying to my self cuz not only did i not go to work but didnt even leave my room to hangout with my family and children, 😔😔 a whole day wasted. im not myself when im high i just wanna delete myself
Keep it going baby go everywhere and talk about this!
I searched for this and found exactly what I needed, not only a group of people in the comments who understand but this TEDTalk that can verify my feelings of my oldest brother being an addict for almost 10 years on and off. It affects my entire family and we all try to help in our best ways but there are too many underlying things we can’t fix ourselves which you wish so badly you can. It hurts. Thank you for this. x when you told the story of no one but you and your oldest brother, I have had this exact situation happen to me. Chilling to hear you’ve experienced the same thing.
My younger brother is struggling with addiction. It has been very hard on all of us lately up to the point that all of us are desperate. I love my brother very much and fear for his life and not just his but also my family. I am the oldest sibling and want to fix all of it but don’t know how to be of help.. either to him or the rest of my family. Shame is a very big part of all of it.. his actions, what other people think and if we are the bad people. Thank you for sharing your story! It was very relatable and gave me the feeling we are not alone in this. I hope my brother will win his battle. I know that there will always be love for him even when it’s hard. He is not his addiction ❤
You are not alone. I have felt this very same way for 15+ years. Please take care of yourself. You can lose your mind and health trying to save someone’s life you cannot control.
@@margotvazquez9075 thank you! It’s comforting to know that we’re not alone in this. I will 🙏✨ thank you again for replying to my comment, means a lot 😊
She has tremendous courage talking about these things in Public And I think it will help quite a few people so thank you
I am a Substance Abuse Prevention Teacher who visits schools and churches to teach about drugs, addictions, and how to love others through all this. I have never gotten such good training as I got today from watching this video. Bravo!
You can't love them through it. Only God can do that. Often...loving them through it is simply accepting and enabling. Only tough love works. God Bless 🙌 🙏 ❤️
my therapy is listening to others stories about how they deal with their loved ones addictions, and I thank you all for sharing about your hardships. my big brother is sober now from drugs, thank god and I am so proud of him. but my two little sisters have now taken his place in active addiction. At different points, I have lost all my sibling to this disease and it is the most lonely feeling. I constantly live with anxiety and fear... living with this feeling everyday causes a lot of pain, but I do my best to be someone they can look up to if they ever decide to come back into my life. anyway, thx for reading
When you said that you didn't care about your life anymore like going to school, doing homework, meeting friends that really hit me because that was how I felt growing up. I couldn't understand how all the kids in school were focused on getting good grades and school drama and friendship groups when all I could think of was my dad and what he had done the night before or if he was going to be okay and what would happen.
It just takes away your childhood and happiness.
This^
thank you for shedding light on what families go through in terms of having to accept death of a living loved one in order to cope. Without discussions like this wellness cannot occur. Anonymity reinforces the shame of addiction. We all have mental health and addressing this disease is needed rather than shaming it and teaching for healing.
Thank you Sam, you shed plenty of light on how my disease effected my family. With certain family and friends is hard to not be anonymous because we feel that they won’t understand or will judge. But others we’ve opened up too have only shown love and support. We all hope to conquer this thing and live a happy, and healthy life.
Going to be in treatment any day now and feel a little scared and happy at the same time.
I wish you success with your treatment. I suggest trying to find ways to nourish yourself, emotionally, with healthy food, with reading helpful books that you enjoy, surround yourself with people who encourage you, & watch comedies. (Laughter really is great medicine, even if it's temporary). Remind yourself that you are worth it. G-d put you on this earth.
This is the first time I have learned about how this has effected other families or a family member. Thank you for this, I have been trying to save my daughter for years, alone and you are right, no one really cares to listen or understands the pain I am experiencing. No where to turn. I wake up everyday wondering if she will live.
Thank you. I'm so frustrated with my voicelessness.
Fear and shame, reinforced by insane criminalization connected to drug and alcohol addiction, are indeed the driving factors for anonymity, combined with keeping recovery available for all, without personalities taking over and closing anyone outside of it. This was an excellent talk, and I enjoyed hearing it!
Thank you Sam. Think how many families have suffered in silence in these ways. Think of the number of families in North America grieving the loss of a loved one. We must lose the stigma. Addiction is a disease, it is not a moral failing. spread the word everyone. Lets end the stigma!
Thank you Leslie! I love that spirit! I truly believe we can.
💕
Totally agree with you
Who make choices in life.
You blew my mind little girl ! I love you
Addiction is a symptom of deeper issues. So many focus on the symptoms and not the root cause. If addiction is a disease, then what is the disease behind the disease?
@conte de fées I'm an addict (now clean). Sometimes it's best to face those deeper problems privately with 1 family member or friend you KNOW you can trust but I must admit as someone who got totally clean it was a crucial thing to open up to that trusted person about it as I could have easily slipped back down that slippery slope.
The grand majority of addicts have a root cause, a lot of them deny that anything caused them trauma, and that stimulates the addiction. Numbing to forget, feeling that warm hug they never got as a child. My family looked normal too..., looks can be deceiving.
Well done!
yes, the substance is only the painkiller, the pain is the problem
The deeper issue may be an accident which caused injuries requiring pain management and the patient became dependent on the narcotics.
After the prescription medications are stopped the patient seeks it, the drugged feeling, in other ways.
Maybe through another doctor, claiming a need for pain relief.
Then they became an addict.
They can quit if they want to. It requires work.
I needed to hear this as the person that caused these feelings... It hurts to understand and face what it not only causes yourself but the effect on the ones you love so much...
YES Diana Worsley! Ditto! Thank you for taking responsibility; I'm learning to too. Hugs and God bless 🙌
thank you for taking the initiative to try to understand I wish everyone was that way
Addiction is a dark disease. My son’s suffering has brought us salvation. We finally see the light. GREAT talk. I applaud you for being vulnerable and sharing the light. LOVE.
My 16 year old, once vibrant and happy son is an addict. In the space of one year he has become someone I do not know. He is a criminal and a liar and completely lost. This is physically the most painful thing I have ever endured. I understand your fear and suicidal thoughts as I live it every day.
Thank-you for speaking out. You are an eloquent speaker.
Thanks Theresa xo
Thank you for your vulnerability. You are extremely courageous and I wish your son and your family the best.
Same here!:(
Theresa F I would encourage you to attend “Celebrate Recovery” meetings for yourself. I am in your shoes as well and I get so much out of these meetings. We have to take care of ourselves.
Dr. Gabor Maté has done very insightful work with addicts. Sometimes trauma can be very subtle. Framing addiction as a disease was the norm for a long time and thankfully, is now being questioned.
We are anonymous because we acknowledge how badly egos have f’d us up. Egos are false selves mostly, and are driven by fear, which drives us to numb ourselves out. In meetings, with unconditional and nonjudgmental support, we are vulnerable. I couldn’t show vulnerability in my family-it wasn’t allowed.
God bless you and all us struggling with this pain in our lives.
Family secrets can persist. Being raised by a doctor's family, we would never think of sharing the deep dark secret that my father was a serious alcoholic. The pressure placed on a first born in a doctor's family can be enough to have you believing you are worthless. Implicit memories (subconscious memories) can also create serious issues of insecurity and abandonment. These can occur with issues of parental conflict and postpartum depression. Babies do not know what is wrong with mom. There is much more than meets the eye. Trauma and the lack of a consistently available healthy parent can mess a little baby up. Those implicit memories do not go away without healing and awareness. I would hope that more people educate themselves to the many factors which can leave a person in a state of mind that a drug can substitute for real down to earth love and connectivity. They are people suffering from a disease. With most diseases we strive for healing. With addiction we are inclined to place blame somewhere. Perhaps we should all become part of the solution not part of the problem.
Phil this is absolutely brilliant. Thank you for your insight. I agree with you whole-heartedly. We cast blame with addiction so readily when that is not where focus should be. We need the focus to be on healing and loving people.
As a family we ar destroyed by addiction. Thank I for speaking I know how felt the man had a go job so yes I hid it from my closest friends so thank u
Love your perspective, I do believe a feeling of disconnection is what largely contributes to addiction. The pressure of lifes expectations that must be met, especially in combination with conditional love dependent on meeting obligations, can cause a desire to disconnect from your emotions and relationships.
When we don't feel like ourselves and that we/our life is worthwile (connected, stable, secure, and content), we reach for something external to make us feel good. Whether that be engaging in destructive "socially validating" or "status building" behaviors, or drug addiction.
Life feels worthwhile when you are high on drugs or attention, the key is to finding fulfillment outside of drugs and superficial means.
It takes a constant practice of gratitude and sense of fulfillment coming from faith in the value of the simple things that make us feel connected to one another and life's bigger meaning.
We have to do this in spite of what culture tells us will make us happy, and it's not easy. People have all sorts of addictions, some of these addictions change people into monsters, even more than drug addiction has the potential to. It's just so happens that non-drug addictions are socially acceptable because our culture thrives on over-consumption.
Sam, I know your family from Tampa and knew you at St. Mary's. I'm so proud of you for the courage this took and the vulnerability you have shown. My family also has addiction inside of it and I have felt so many of the same feelings you have described. Once you know another person or family struggles with this, we all become more connected. It is my prayer that God will heal our loved ones and will give all of our hearts the strength to support each other through the hard times. Congrats on your beautiful talk. Know that you are not alone.
Thank you Rebecca for your vulnerability, kind words, and empathy. It truly means the world to me. I pray that together we can all create a community of healing and solidarity.
@@samfowler6298 If you're still on TH-cam, honestly, I think you're the best person to ask. I'm 12, and I have an alcoholic mother. I've told my grandparents, they've done the best they can to stop it, but my mom gets really angry when I try to get them involved. And whenever I bring it up she calls me an "enemy of fun" and a "privileged child" and manipulates me into keeping my mouth shut. What should I do?
@@samfowler6298 thank you for this!! Thank you for shining the light on addiction! I'm an addict myself, in recovery yes but I'll always be an addict, and your words touched me so much! Idk what im trying to say but thank you just thank you!!
Please reply to this if you’d like to chat individually somehow! I am so so sorry to hear this, I can’t imagine what a difficult situation that must be
@@samfowler6298 yes I do
Very well done Sam. So brave and courageous to tell your story. As a recovered Alcoholic working as an addiction recovery coach, I see all to often the stigma and the struggles in the family and I agree with you, the family suffers do to the fact, as you said, they are sober and are witness to the fear of the addicts actions.
she's so young and so composed. i love her!
Brilliantly, compassionately and uniquely expressed.
Addiction needs to change it's image to survive in a modern world.
thank you.
My oldest sister is a very bad alcoholic and addict; she has what I’ve personally referred to as competitive addiction-it just escalates. When she was in the hospital one time, recovering from coke/meth/alcohol withdrawal after my father (her step father’s) death, she was drenched in sweat and she was pulling the IV out of her arm and squirting blood everywhere. It was awful and it’s part of the reason why I don’t really drink or try hard drugs that often, myself.
Thank you for this TEDx talk, it’s very insightful. ❤️
I think you are the sweetest and most passionate person ever! It definitely took great courage to stand up and speak out about this. Please keep talking out about this and trying to break the stigma of addiction. I made it a life goal to help those struggling with addiction to find treatment, peace, and love that they desire! It is an uphill battle, but it can be done and it needs to be addressed in a compassionate manner for the individual, the family, and the community.
Thank you Darin! How incredibly kind of you. I am so proud of you as well for taking on that passion and goal, that is very selfless and inspiring.
Thank you for having the courage to step out of the shadows and to encourage all families to stop hiding and thank you for talking about what addiction does to a family.
My brother is an abusive alcoholic. This has been an issue for almost 5 years now. He drinks almost every single day. At first he would drink to fall asleep due to high anxiety and anger. As time went by he started drinking more and move every single day. He even got a DUI a destroyed his car. After that he started fighting with everyone especially my dad. It was verbal abuse at first but it escalated to physical and emotional abuse. When my dad passed away from covid his drinking only got worst. We tried to find him therapy, rehab, and show our support. Nothing seams to help since he refuses to help himself. We cannot force him to go to rehab, but we are forced to take his abuse since we love him and can’t turn our backs on him.
Things have only gotten worst after he was fired from his job. He has so much debt, no health insurance, or income. This gives him a lot of free time to keep drinking and feel sorry for himself. It has gotten to the point that he has hit me and my mother. We feel stuck between the love we have for him, and the anger he makes us feel when he drinks. I do agree that family members suffer more than the addict.
We are forced to see them destroy themselves, and their health. We are forced to stay by their side in fear that they would hurt themselves. We are forced to take all the verbal, emotional, and physical abuse because we lack the resources for other living accommodations. We are forced to see the person we love so much hate us so much. Every single day he demonstrates how much he hates us, and I see how much it hurts my mother. Not only am I seeing my brother get hurt, but I see every single person in our family suffer because of that.
Isabella I can feel what you going through just stay strong and takecare of your mother. I hope you and your mother is doing fine. I know exactly how it feels, the pain the agony I can feel you. Takecare.
Evict him from your house. You won't be free until you do. He won't change until he is forced to. Homeless makes people change. He is a danger to you and your Mom. Prayers for you, her, and him.
crying while listening to this
I can appreciate how kind and open minded she is about addiction. It’s hard for me to do that when a loved one keeps relapsing.
It’s good to be reminded though that it’s best to stay mindful.
My son is 34 years old he is a heroine addict and he was living with us off and on for the last 15 years. He does good then relapses... Last week he relapsed and I told him since he doesn't want to go to rehab that he needs to move out and he did and now I feel so guilty. Did you go through this as well and did I make the wrong decision.
@@utube0372 I sympathize your with situations, as there is only so much we can do for a loved one who has addiction issues. The thing with addiction is that it’s always a constant struggle with that person and it affects everyone around them. It’s a draining cycle to try to support someone whose an addict and it can take a toll on you. I know that there is only so much a loved one can do, and you have to live your own life eventually without constantly living in fear. I can’t say for sure if everything will go smoothly for them living on there own, but all we can do is hope that they learn being sober is the only way they can survive. I hope you and your loved one peace and love.
@@ninamartin5240 thank you for your response. I really appreciate it. It's very true it puts a huge toll on us and all we can do is keep praying for them. God bless you. Have a wonderful day!
One of the best Ted talks I've ever listened to you're amazing thank you for the help
You are so strong. I have never heard someone speak about addiction with so much strength. You inspire me and I am also 21, I hope I can deal with the addiction in my family as strongly.
Im 21,Im currently going through this with my father. It’s so heart breaking seeing someone you admire & look up to turn into someone you don’t know.
This young lady is absolutely amazing.
Great topic. Families struggle also. Let's focus on the addict but take care of yourselves too
This is really great because lots of people when talking about drugs talk about the effect it has on your body but not the effect it has on the family. No one talks about the distrust and suspicion you get after watching a family member get high or drunk. I haven't been able to trust my brother in a year
The most courageous, brave, compassionate and selfless 21 year old I have ever encountered. Beyond powerful. Thank you so much.
thank you :) I'm very flattered and glad it was powerful for you. I just feel grateful I got the opportunity
Thank you for your courage..our family relates to this completely..We lost our family member to this disease in 2016..my son..I will share with my son and daughter who are still with us..For the people who are battling the "family Disease" This will be so helpful..We all need to talk about it as Silence feeds the disease
This is really helping me process my 15 year old little sister being admitted to a rehab, and seeing that the addiction started 3 years ago. The pain in this slow change, the mix of it with mental illness and bad friends, our enabling, and now recognizing this exists. Naming it addiction. Dealing with it. And loving my sister and wanting to help her. I am so lucky to have her and miss her and want her better. Thanks for being open
And I was dealing with this on my 21st birthday too. Wow.
Thank you so much for sharing your personal story and perspective because it really helped me. I'm dealing with my husband's addiction and unfortunately we're going through a divorce...so working on getting support and getting through one day at a time. Thanks again! God bless you and your family! 🙏🏼❤️🩹
Oh girlie.....thank you for this....you don't even know how this hurts, but also is so powerful.
I’m watching this currently knowing my brother is in a dark space (again). He has been an addict for 10 years, but I have only known for the past 3. I am 24 & he is 27. It is absolutely heartbreaking knowing they were doing better, but seeing the signs that they aren’t.. I can’t describe the impact it’s had on my family & myself. I needed this to know that there are others like me.
I thought I was alone too, but you're not, and I'm not. I'm 27 and my elder brothers 29 and 33. I can't say it gets any easier as they relapse so all I can do is send hugs to a random stranger over the Internet, and I hope you feel it. ❤
My mum has a problem with alcohol and when she talk about being scared of someone who is part of your fam. The fact that that person is numb i unsterstand her. I remember I had a panic attack and i was asking for help to my mum. And she said to me "do you want i cry for you? You want compassion?" and we know that she is drunk and maybe she doesn't think that but it breaks your heart.
The issue I have with addicts is the lying. I don’t blame them for the issue, just continual deception. I agree that the family suffers even more than the addict. I can’t seem to get away from it.
Lying is a survival skill and used to continue living in addiction. Understanding and and accepting the person is key, but we don't have to like or accept the behaviors.
That and them using manipulation and emotional abuse to get at you and been called a slob once cuz i didn't wanna help an addicted relative finish his work at his job and I told him off he got mad cux I didn't wanna cancel plans I made a week in advance to help him at his work I'm like I don't work there
the lying and gaslighting is so manipulative. you also see it in people with eating disorders.
Agreed
I’m sure that they suffer terribly, but are you an addict?
You are a brilliant young lady, God bless you❤🙏
Thank you amazing girl! I am struggling with addiction and I was searching for something that I won’t describe here but I found it in your speech! Thank you for having the courage to speak freely because that ultimately helped me in the way I needed it and I’m sure it will help other people as well in different other ways. Love from London 💕
God has to come first. Read, Ezekiel 36:24-28. Trust in him to give you a new heart. 🙏🏻🙏🏻
Everything you mentioned happened exactly to my ex, and also I reacted the same like you said, which is blame on her family. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. The world needs this now
Well done Sam! I myself experienced a lot of this. I was your brother and you at different times in my life. Just keep working on yourself and don't give up.
My ex is an addict, we have a 1 year old daughter together and she lost custody and our daughter placed in my care. Watching her go through this destroys me, I still love her and she reaches out to me constantly asking me to help her get help. I want to see her better, I want our daughter to have her mother however I'm not allowed to get her the help she asks for because if I do I lose my kids. The courts have ordered it because of her addiction as well as she suffers from PTSD, that as well destroys me even more, that when she is ready I cannot support her through it either.
This was so amazing! You are brilliant and brave! Thank you so much!!!
It’s wonderful to see someone using this community for the right reasons.
Anonymity is a choice for members of AA and Al Anon. The decision to remain an anonymous recovering alcoholic stems from society's prejudice against and ignorance of alcoholism. The automatic stereotyping of alcoholics is beyond the alcoholic control, but can seriously damage their personal and professional future. The choice to remain anonymous allows others to judge the recovering alcoholic for who they are and not just as an addict.
Families Anonymous is a family group. Not to be anonymous but to find someone that understands since society does not understand. It's a great group!
Great talk, I found out for myself that it’s ok to treat your addicted love ones as normal as possible but always take care of yourself, if you give them anything don’t expect it back
Such a good description how addiction takes a hold of ,not only the drugabuser, but the whole family.
3 days after my brother got out of rehab for fentanyl and was doing amazing for the first time in years, my dad poured him a glass of wine at dinner. I asked him not to give it to him and he got so angry at me and threatened to cut ties. My family has been ripped apart by this disease.
I just had a therapy session discussing my father I haven’t talked to in almost 5 years. My 5th year of sobriety date is also the last day I ever talked to him. I think it would have helped us both if we had talked about our addiction(s) together but it’s very hard for the above stated reasons. I wish this video found me sooner. It is definitely helpful though. I think you are a brave and brilliant woman who has so much love for you family and for the people around you. Thank you for reassuring me that my emotions are not a weakness and that they empower me. I think what you’re doing is beautiful and I’m glad your voice is being heard. I was so happy to hear everything you had to say, thank you so much ❤️
She's dealt with an addict for 5 yrs, try being around one for over two decades. My question is how to love an addict and not be an enabler at the same time? In my case the addict has done all of the above plus told countless lies that have eroded trust. How can you love someone you cannot trust?
After a couple of decades, certainly love can be eradicated. You can love the family dog, but if it gets rabies, certainly you must distance yourself from it. In your case perhaps the only thing you can do is to make sure they know where the door for help is. Ultimately it’s up to them to walk through it.
thank you for writing this, I have a similar experience. it is so incredibly hard
Detachment
I think one difference is that Sam is one of the children in the family, not the responsible parent. That takes a bit of the pressure off her, although she may have to sometimes take care of him, as she expressed.
Countless lies of my dad going to liquor store always found him on the floor crawling spread out like a sick spider murmured something and it’s very hard to deal with he is 61 and I’m 27 I let him move in with me and now I have to kick him out cause I cannot see him die in my house. What can I do? Social services adults is for 65 and older
Thank u so much for sharing such a powerful massage about addiction and letting others know whats its really like thank u well said ❤
my sister passed away from addiction sadly. She was an active addict for 12 years of my life and i'm only 21. It will be trauma i'll struggle with my whole life. I wish i could've had the proper closure and healing with her.
I hope you are well
What a smart, intelligent, brave, poised young lady. Thank you 🙏
She's a very gentle speaker. Very chill
thank you
You are an inspiration to more people than you will ever know. Wishing you and your family the best.
This was beautifully given. As someone who has struggled & has seen family members struggle, your perspective feels like my family’s & how they feel. Thank you
What a beautiful young soul! I pray for recovery for your brother and your family. I am a mother of an addicted son, daughter of an addicted father, sister to an addicted brother and sister, granddaughter to an addicted grandfather, was a spouse to an addict...addiction sucks the very life out of those who love you. Your voice is still being heard 4 yrs later, and you make a huge difference in many lives. My prayers are with you. You have accomplished more at 21 yrs young than I have in 50yrs...the hardest thing to give is forgiveness, I am trying to forgive the pain from addiction but it is hard. I am so angry with my father and kids' father for being addicts. They stole my childhood and delayed my ability to protect my children, now my son...my baby boy is an addict. Brilliant mind, artistic, loving soul. In prison for 25 yrs because of addiction. His life was stolen by addiction. His charismatic soul isn't shared with society, he has so much promise. Being incarcerated at 18yrs old for 25 yrs doesn't leave much time for life enjoyment. First offense, never in trouble before. I am still angry.
I'm so 😞 sorry. ❤️
@@amysho2192 thank you for your thoughts. I firmly believe that a strong bond with our community (both close and far) is a key to healing and forgiveness.
This opened my mind more. I really needed to hear these words.Thank you. Tonight, My mother, she accused me of stealing money. While after she was doing her thing. She does this from time to time. It's hard on me. It's bad enough I already get anxiety but when she starts accusing me, like she does, I know it's her drugs, I gave up on arguing back telling her no,there in the moment, it changes nothing. Just makes things worse. I leave, and give her space and give me space. It's sad. Really really sad. And then she accused me of stealing the money and doing drugs myself. In a voicemail couple hours later. I've never touched anything like that! Never needles. Never anything. My knowledge on using, each way is so small. I don't even know how they do it. I don't want to know. All I've ever done was smoke cigarettes, weed and drink coffee. Literally that's all I've ever touch. Those are my addictions,I'm stuck in a cycle with. Keep trying myself to even quit weed,but keep falling back into it, but I will keep trying and not give up. I mean..coffee lol no,its not that bad. But yes anyways this Ted talk helped me tonight. Thanks for this. ❤️after I heard her voice mail I knew right away I had to check out what videos I can find on TH-cam!
Thank You Sam your Courage is your strength , im suffering in silence and wish to talk to someone however that word or feeling of shame and other emotions keep this dilema at bay. can you or some readers that have recomendations in Melbourne Australia as it is a Global fenominom , i pray for all the silent Parents and siblings to be as courgageous as you have Shown on this Talk , Thank You and may you find rest and healing also for Your Brother to be healed of this health challenge and your Family also ,
Thank you , everything is usually based around how hard it is for the addict and the suffering the family goes through completely sober is ignored .
My older brother is 16 and is struggling with addiction for over a year now. Sam has motivated me to ask questions Express how I feel. Sometimes I feel that I can not say how I'm truly feeling because then people will just be like u just want attention. I have been keeping my mouth closed and in those days when my brother has gone out to a party I always worry in the morning if hes gonna be ok. I have those days when we have had to rush him to the hospital, days when hes over dossed, days when hes completelylost it. I've gonna nights without sleeping worrying about what's gonna happen next. I agree that we need to bring addiction out of the shadows and not be ashamed of people affected by this disease. So thank you Sam for this amazing speech 💕
Excellant!! Showed it to my Middle schoolers on Addiction as a family disease.
Wow how cool! Thank you for sharing it with them!!!
My brother is addict too. He's ruining our lives by not getting help. He can go to a rehab center for free. Some have gone for 2 years and changed. He won't go and my father won't stop enabling him. I'm taking care of our mother who has lung cancer. He smoked in the house for years and even after her diagnosis he'd smoke on his room. But the smoke still seeps through. I can't handle this anymore and I don't trust him. On top of all this he tried to hit me when I tried to stop my dad from working for him. My father is the enabler. I feel hopeless. And everyone we know is too busy in their own affairs. He went to rehab 17 k for a month - came back worse. I have a feeling they want him to fail. That's why I want to send him to this free place where I feel he will get better help.
Hi there
How r you now?? How is ur mother n brother doing??
Will be waiting for your reply..
Lots of love..
Thisis why TED is GREAT !!!!!!!
What a powerful message. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. 🙏🏻
I love this. You're brilliant, thank you!
Shes spot on. Great video to learn what my mom went through with me. Not knowing if I was safe or not. Now she's addicted to opiates as well as me and my sister. I'm also a recovering alcoholic. She's right on about the darkness and staying in that darkness. We become self loathing and hate ourselves for what we have done. But then bring light to it and tell your story you'll find more and more people just like yourself.
This touched me.
It's often not what happened to you as a child, but what didn't happen to you. Were you loved?, did you have someone who saw and helped you to see what was best in you?, or were they critical and/or indifferent
Thank you for revealing the other side of the coin. Important incite for clearer understanding.
@@ritagamez3732 yes; the substance is only the painkiller, the pain is the problem. Depression has to be something a person wants to get over. A lot of people don’t because it means having to deal with reality. In this way, depression can be an escape.
AMEN SISTER! Praise God! I’m right there with ya. May you be blessed all your life! 💜🙏🏼🤍🕊✨
Thank you for your vulnerability. It sheds light.
Thank you so much for a very inspiring and endearing story of your family and your brother I think the take away is that darkness thrives on darkness and if we keep addiction in the dark as she said we can’t get it solved and through love we can solve all and we can heal ourselves and our loved ones. they may not quit but at least we can join them in the journey of healing and healing is a consistent 2nd by 2nd day by day process and arm I think that’s what’s important thank you
You beautiful young woman, this is very close to home for me ... thank you x
Pray for all the addicts in the world