HEY MY FRIENDS: If these videos are having a positive impact on you, please show your support by becoming a CHANNEL MEMBER and/or clicking the THANKS BUTTON above and leaving a little love. A little love will allow me to continue delivering these videos directly to you!
I’ve had to deal with a lot of condescending people at work and when I tried that strategy of clarifying they play the “dumb card”: “me?? Why would you think that?? Boo hoo you’ve hurt my feelings, etc” trying to make you look like the paranoid bad guy...
Hi dancun chiriga ! Thank you so much for watching and taking the time to comment. i appreciate it and I look forward to hearing from you again soon.. 👋 Let me know if there's anything I can help with, and please keep in touch, OK? Thank you!
I’m a woman, almost 20 and I have two male colleagues. They’re both quite a lot older and extremely condescending. One straight out tells me I’m a baby and that I don’t know anything and the other constantly speaks to me in a slow tone as you would when talking to a child. He also does other little things like slow sarcastic clapping whenever I’ve completed a basic task (which I know how to do) and shakes his head at me whenever I make a ‘mistake’ I know they probably both have inferiority complexes and are projecting it onto me but it gets tiring dealing with it almost everyday. I feel belittled and stupid. Thanks for the video btw I just wanted to rant about this lol
People on the comments saying ignore, it’s there own insecurities, they’re trying to make them feel better and you worse; that really doesn’t fix the problem, ultimately we don’t want patronising people getting away with what they’re doing, ignoring them doesn’t work.
Robert Downey Jr!!!!! Robert Downey Jr!!!! ROBERT FREAKIN DOWNEY FREAKIN JR!!!! All day I have been trying to pinpoint who you look like, and its him! LOVE YOU!
These videos are 10X more helpful than the plethora of videos about “how to spot a gaslighter!” which then go on to describe communication which is passive aggressive and potentially harmful but usually just annoying, and does meet the true definition of gaslighting. Wish we could stop labeling people and start learning how to communicate with each directly and kindly.
Many thanks and I hope you catch the live show tomorrow (Tuesday at 7:00 CST, Chicago time) with therapist Lizzie Choate who has wonderful and practical insights on these topics :)
This is by far, the best video I have seen on how to deal with passive aggressive comments. Bless your soul. I have gotten so sick of passive aggressive comments being made over the past 7 years, that I tell them that if they are going to say passive aggressive comments... I'm going to say things that hurt their feelings. The enablers keep saying, "well, you don't know if they were talking about you cause they didn't say your name." Your video has quite possibly changed my life, THANK-YOU!!
I'm pretty sure they were talking about you I'm glad you came here to learn how to handle them❤ after two years I'm certain you are just as professional as Dan
Dan - I applaud your positive recommendations - I would like to add - for your viewers that might find themselves in a 1st time (adult situation with the "Passive-Aggressive Person) - Make a mental note of this "they are insecure as Dan pointed out - often jealous of your "balanced positive attitude" - (Not to be confused w those whom are joking - even if in bad taste) - WATCH FOR THE BULLYING TYPES OF BEHAVIORS - (The Narcissistic behaviors) as they can actually be a Narcissist or other Personality Disorder Types - And definitely use the - It sounds as though you fell I can't do this well - is that what you are implying?" Avoid a retort further as - They could easily be looking for a reason to "bait" you ALSO - if they feel you publically embarrassed them - that could set off a "Gaslighting" plot against you - Set clear boundaries - be firm and - watch for reoccuring encounters with more than one of these - as we magnets draw these types for a number of reasons - If it becomes uncomfortable - seek help from a counselor/therapist on how to best handle these situations and what to avoid to prevent them. Many terms describe what often gets lightly excused as "That's just how he or she is." Well, that is a social acceptance of an inappropriate behavior that often gets labeled Bully - and needs to be understood - they are nightmares - Great positive sharing - people need good resource information - pass it along and join the Stop Bullying Campaigns (child and adult). Be Happy being you!
Always remember: we see what we know. In other words: 'you spot it.... you got it.' This very humbling, but for as many times as I get annoyed by condescenders... I have to realize I have a bit of them in me!
Have ASD, and do extremely well on standardized tests, so I suspect I'm not as stupid as coworkers and supervisors find me. My problem is that fight/flight/freeze kicks in, and my go-to is 'freeze'. Freezing for me includes the brain, and I always forget this. The few times I don't, I'm seen as being aggro/defensive.
I believe so to... I just messaged office manager at my job if they still need me tomorrow as they are being flakey with my hours and she says "Yes Missy"... very disrespectful in my opinion. How do you call her out on that one word without her responding by saying something along the lines of You're being petty, and your difficult bc she doesn't want to be called out.
@@jaclynh9343 thank you for those hours I really appreciate them, I love my job and the team - . Missy??? Its Jaclyn here and I love my name and to be addressed as Jaclyn please. See you tomorrow etc
@@Fiiii4567 I love your response. I quickly responded just saying thank you. After today I am quitting. I do not like how their is so much abuse emotionally in the office The workers do not even get lunches. The boss who owns the dental office treated staff badly that two girls cried this week. I found that out today... very sad and life is too short. I am not putting up with that shit.
I gotta be brutally honest. I love your videos and I wish this information was far more international than it is. Thank you for standing up for all of us. You know this puts you in a situation that could escalate to difficult. But I want to thank you. I would love to be one of your guests. I've had a lot of experience within all over bearing bully situations.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 We are all the same person experiencing life in a bunch of different bodies which means that every person that you meet is really YOU living in another body!!! you see, you are interacting with YOURSELF at all times and once you realize this you can achieve UNITY✨🙏✨
There's someone on my other TH-cam channel that's commenting on EVERY video right now, every comment is condescending and it is so irritating. I'm glad I've found your channel.
Thank you so much Dan for taking the trouble to answer my question. Fortunately, I have distanced myself from this particular person since, but I will no doubt encounter her again in the future, and because of your help I will be more than equipped to deal with her. Love your videos Dan.
I like the clarifying question. To follow it a bit further, how do you handle any deflections or other defenses from the condescender? Even if you speak calmly, you might hear, "Don't be so sensitive," or "Oh, God, this is what it's like being on a committee with a woman," or "Rather than waste everyone else's time with your irrelevant little questions, let's just move along." I've heard similar for me or other women. Thanks for any guidance and insights.
How about: "Let me state it another way--do not speak to me in that condescending manner again. No one is impressed. Your sexist (and/or rude) comments are not appreciated. If you want to continue this conversation, see me privately." If the comments continue, you continue with the broken record. "Apparently you didn't hear me. Do not speak. . . .see me privately." DON'T DEVIATE FROM THE SCRIPT AND ALLOW THEM TO ENGAGE YOU. DON'T DO IT. Keep repeating the broken record; it keeps you in charge of the conversation. Carolyn, this takes both practice and firm resolve. Practice in front of a mirror--and then be prepared to firmly tell this person to knock it off by using the above script. This would be ONLY if the clarifying question isn't enough for the offender. Dan
Online Communication Skills Training Videos with Dan O'Connor -- I love that follow-up response! It's direct, dignified, clear, and doesn't take over the meeting. But I have also seen even mildly confrontational or dignity-protecting responses like this stir others to imply that the sensitive woman/women are making a big deal. It's different when it's male to male than when it's male to female. Other than repetition, is there a way you recommend handling condescension? Such as talking with the person offline, on your own turf? Sometimes I have gotten cool/mean immediately in public with a smile, which can work but I don't like to be equally hostile or zinger-y to someone just because I can. PS, I don't mean to imply that I constantly have men talk down to me; I work as a moderately public figure though and sometimes draw more fire than the average business gal.
I believe that any time you can speak to the person privately--on your turf--without an audience--you have a chance to stop the behavior--as long as you remain cool but direct. And in public, in order to minimize the chance of people thinking you are making much ado about nothing--make certain your tone is calm but firm and direct. Tone is everything when you're handling bullies or people who are condescending. Strong, not mean, and calm but not passive.
Very good. Does work with perhaps half of the cases. Yet, it never really ends for the other insidious toxic kind because the degree of deflection and denial does not reach limits: "You are so weak and touchy. C'mon, don't you have a sense of humor, put yourself together, what's the matter with you". < logical rebuttal > "You are so pathetic" "you look like a cop trying to boss around" < logical rebuttal > *rolls eyes, shakes head in disapproval, silent treatment* < another attempt to reason or build empathy to make sense of the situation > *changes subject else inserts mean comment, leaves room, leaves issue unresolved and disowned*. Then they'll employ all sort of passive aggressive anti social behavior that will throw dirt to your reputation: smear campaign, flying monkeys, triangulation, gaslighting, lies, lies, more lies. This is by the same person that later will behave to you like nothing happened however will then reel you in later down the road with another mean trick from their toolbox for as long they notice they can get their way with you while overthrowing your confidence and possibly preying on your self-esteem. Deceitful speech, hypocritical conduct and shameless lying as convenient are also common deflection tactics in the comebacks. I assure you that no matter how assertive you think you are, if you have some sense of morals, a conscience or experience shame or remorse about mischief - which your bully probably won't have an iota of -, you'll be setting yourself up for all sorts of phony guilt-trips and forced irrational negativity. They'll rationalize the indefensible to the point of either make you break in self doubt, or completely exhaust you or push you to anger or a bad mood to ruin your day. That's what they do, and they'll be likely to be better than you and beat you with experience in their stupid circus because they have developed and refined these defense mechanisms over the years and they've gone uncalled and unpunished for being covert and undetectable by most people who are not aware of this type of personality disorder. There are some counter-manipulation techniques of course, but in my opinion they are not sustainable and who wants to live like this anyway, we normal people need real relationships with real people. Attempting a direct approach or forthcoming communication does not work with their type because even if you somehow think you've identified the problem with them, they'll do anything to cowardly keep dodging responsibility to cooperate to resolve conflict, or deny to their grave anything that puts blame on them regarding the problem they have purposefully triggered and instigated. By dwelling in conflict, or inventing a fake conflict or confrontation, even when there doesn't really exist any, is exactly how they manage to stay in power in the minds of the empaths or codependents that are somehow trying to earn the respect or approval they have already decided not to give you from the very beginning. It has nothing to do with you, but their crappy psychology and their dearth of soul. And, by the way, since they don't have a soul, be aware, they want to steal yours into their vortex, into their abyss of hopeless desperation and nothingness. They are like zombies and they actually intent to turn you into one of their own with all of these subtle digs. The Scriptures have warned us about the wicked man: 1 Peter 5:8. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Psalm 1:1 Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers Proverbs 29:8 Mockers stir up a city, but the wise turn away anger. Ephesians 5:11 Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them - by exemplifying personal integrity, moral courage, and godly character Proverbs 13:20 He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed. Matthew 10:14 And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. Second Peter 3:3 knowing this first of all, that scoffers will come in the last days with scoffing, following their own sinful desires - envy and jealousy are common underlying feelings in the bitter and resentful backhanded comments of sniders 2 CORINTHIANS 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers, for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness? 2 Timothy 3:1-5 You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. 2 For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. 3 They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. 4 They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. 5 They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that! Proverbs 4:23 Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life - Guard your heart and protect it otherwise somebody is going to break it. Know thyself lest narcissists can't tell you who you are in the face of slander and gaslighting. Etc. My honest take is: don't beat yourself, don't wrestle with the pigs in the muddy sty. Stop the cat-and-mouse game. You just can't reason with an impossible person and expect anything good. I've already tried this scientific approach with covert narcs and the cluster Bs, and all I did was getting badly burnt every time. Just as I also see other people unknowingly falling for these cheap manipulation tactics just for not knowing their strategies in their emotional bullying. There is no use or purpose, your negotiations attempts will be painful, fruitless and you're likely to end up somehow betrayed by their broken reasoning or evasive tricks in their never owning responsibility for what they say or do. The best approach I've found in this case, is simply the same advice you hear all the time when it comes to deal with these obnoxious people, from therapists, psychologists, experienced victims, and the Holy Bible: run for the hills! Come to terms with the fact your aggressor is just a poisonous person for whatever reason you simply don't want to mess or attempt to fix, and cut them off from your life. If going no contact is not an option, second best is grow distant and grey rock with them until you can cut their ties. If you are tightly bonded to the person achieving this will require a little art and counter manipulation to properly prepare and execute but doing the homework pays off with a happier and more productive life. Good luck people, keep exposing evil and reproach it for what it is, since it often comes hidden wrapped in the present from your closest fake friends and cunning relatives.
Ulises José Corona de Jesús I had to work with a person like that who went undetected. It was horrible. I was happy at work minding my business and she tried to break me down all the while stealing ideas taking credit gossiping and defaming me. I prayed that one day she'd be found out, seen for her true colors and made to pay.
It's sad that we have to study how to communicate with toxic people, when we know that they are the ones in need of help. With that being said, PAs are very good at twisting your words, to try and convince you, how you started the whole thing. They are so tiring. So in order for us to stand our ground against their manipulations, we have to learn how to handle them. People shouldn't have to be so darn difficult.
Patriotgirl, I agree. There will always be difficult people. Sometimes WE are the difficult people as well. We have to learn how to navigate the waters, because the sharks aren't going to therapy anytime soon. And hopefully when our own bad behavior is called out, we'll reflect and correct, rather than becoming defensive.
I like this. What do you say if they say yes that’s what Im trying to say? Also will asking them what they mean give them satisfaction to think they’ve gotten a reaction? I suspect when they are called out on their behavior they will try to say I’m over reacting. Funny how like you said they must feel impotent, but always talking about how great they are. Inside they must not believe it. I usually am caught off guard by these kind of people and don’t realize how their comment made me feel until well after it’s said. I hate this kind of stuff because I’m a kind hearted person and don’t operate this way. I don’t like being around people where I have to keep my guard up.
Thanks dan, today I can’t always keep what you say in my head on the spot but I am bad at letting people pass things off at work. Something came up and somebody try to pass a job off for me to follow up on and they were the person that was supposed todo it. My answer was along the lines of “ I think that was part of the task you were assigned so I will leave that in your capable hands. Told them three times “I’ll leave that in your capable hands” each time they beat around the bush thinking I would take the work. I know that work will not get completed and in the past I have taken it to please the client ... was just a good feeling that I no longer am taking work on that others should be doing because I know it won’t get don’t of I don’t do it.
Thank you for explaining this. I'll definitely take this knowledge and become more conscious of it moving forward. Therefore with the past four jobs i've had I always seem to be surrounded by these type of individuals. I won hundred percent of the time make sure I do everything in my power to respect others in ways that I wish to be as well. It's getting so bad that even management has been so toxic at time in professional positions. I've had sit downs with them discussing these things and I always get the short end of the stick "Because they are the managers and in control- it doesn't matter what I say or do". Even with hard evidence and proof! I'm starting to lose all hope with everything lately. I also have a great work ethic too! The numbers don't lie and quality of work is up to pare. When I am not the best at something I admit that. Something I always appreciate is help from other in getting better. I make sure to always keep an open mind and hear what others have to say. Anyways- I really need some help and always struggle to get that when I actually need it in situations like these. Usually I'm expected to just man up and deal with it, leaving me to figure it out once again. So much has happened, more negative than positive and I cannot understand where I am going wrong!
By the way I did get to use that at work. I stayed calm and ssid back to the person exactly like you said to and then the person said " oh no I didn't mean it no " . I thrn said om then. I did thay a couple of times in the week and I enjoyed it too. Works a treat. Thsnks again.
Oh Dan, I wish I had remembered this technique when a co-worker in the dental office I recently left once pointed to a magazine ad for a push-up bra and asked me; Do wear these? Is that why all of the patients like you?" I ignored her at the time, damn! But now I know how to handle it in future
@@crystalclearcommunication8621 LOL! Indeed! I only recently found out that she was trying schedule patients with herself for treatment, but they didn't want to see her , that's why she was mad.
I studied english lit and comp and sometimes i find this very thing ur discussing the BANE of my business and personal communication existence. Empowerment belongs to those of us who take it by learning, doing, making choices w radical acceptance of possible good or consequence along the way. It requires risk taking and believing in your capabilities. I love your minimal effort with a yet high return of effectiveness suggestions! Dialectic baybee! Aloha pumehana from the Hawaiian Kingdom Nation!
Thanks, TAS and though you may be late, you've plenty of time to get caught up--and I'll be doing many many more videos in case you want to binge-watch. Feel free. But please like and share as you go? Dan
Here’s another effective response: “Condescender help me understand what you’re trying to say when you snicker and suggest I’d be good at that. “. Then let the silence sit until they answer.
Wow thanks. I've had to deal with several police officers lately. This is a small town and it's obvious they don't want to deal with my psychotic neighbors. I totally understand what they're saying which is, "Just shut up and ignore them if you want to be outside or stay inside all the time."
When I win the lottery I will NOT be calling anyone! Lol! I love your videos. I want you to become ultra famous. Thanks for spreading all these antidotes to toxicity.
Its at work and at school. And, I cant handle it. Infact, I am so sensitive right now in my life... because I am coping with loss and had initial insecurity at depth. What kills me is that I treat everyone equally and with respect and patience. I understand the human experience at depth .. even though these jerks are clueless in that regard. But, even more ... my personality wants harmony all the time... and I simply cannot and do not have the ability to respond immediately in the moment which makes me look stupid. Thats how I function. I just cannot be that person who thinks on my feet or hits someone head on. I also have so much care and sensitivy for them because I dont want to make them feel bad or insecure. Unfortunately, underneath I know they are doing this because they are.
Dana I feel you but sweeping things under the rag all the time cause you don't wanna hurt anybody eventually will take a toll on you cause slowly by slowly you will start harbouring resentment and then out of the blue explodes.I was like that take in all the shit and then out of nowhere react explosively nowadays if you say something slightly provocative I'll react at an instant and give you feedback but later on if I felt what you said didn't seat well with me I'll call that someone out tomorrow and I'll ask questions what's that all about and see how we can solve it cause I don't want that resentment to build up cause I know what type of person I am,if I let that resentment builds up the outcome would be worse not for me but for that jerks.try and talk it out Dana slowly by slowly.just be polite and calm and ask what's that all about.
Hi dan, thank you for this, my problem is with my boss making belittling remarks in front of other people, when this happens I react badly and snap back and end up looking like a crazy person and boss lady will say something like "oh grumpy are we" there are times she will stand over me while I'm sitting and snap her fingers right in front of my face, stupid me will try and interpret what she wants and for example I'll hand her the document I am working on she will then say "no, a pen" she has done this several times and i feel humiliated. I work in as an administrator in a hospital setting, it is a very heirarchial environment. What can I do to handle my boss without being unprofessional, I am currently looking for another job
Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like horrible bullying behaviour. Is there a way you could report her? She is your female boss. Maybe trying to find another job is a good idea.
Jasper, if you want a deeper dive into this training, go to danoconnortraining.com and if you decide you can swim in the deep waters--email Jean and she'll give you a deal :). jean@danoconnortraining.com
I used this tactic and I managed to put my point across that what he said didn't seat well with me and I finished by saying if you didn't meant what you said in a bad way we are cool.that solved it
I came here to find out why someone was condescending towards me, but I realise that I was being condescending completely obnoxiously first. I plan to reconsider how I start my conversations with this person and pay attention to how they may see my behaviour first.
@@TheWizardOfWords I send these to my kids and they LOVE them! My daughter channeled you this morning with a co-worker then rang me to tell me all about it! She said ‘I forgot that guy’s name but everyone should be watching and learning from him!’ High praise indeed from a 25 yr old!
It's the people who say very subtle, passive aggressive things, where the tone of their voice actually says more about their real intent that annoy me. It's the kind of communication that - when relayed to another person, without the tone of voice - they would say, ''Oh, he/she surely didn't mean it that way.''
Yes, that’s frustrating. But, just like everything else, most people don’t realize they’re being passive aggressive - they’ve learned to be that way, either from their parents, or as a defense mechanism that they’ve never even realized or thought about, until someone points it out in a way they can hear it.
When my boyfriend ‘s mum said that it will be good fun to take me to the French movie festival, my boyfriend said “it’s a waste of time because she won’t understand anything and I have to translate everything “ He said it in a arrogant way and this is not the first time I get put down. It is true that I don’t speak French but participating the event is exciting and I am happy as if it is visiting another country without speaking the language. What’s wrong with that? And, his mum was already aware that I don’t speak French. How could i stood up for myself here and defend my respect? Thanks Dan!
Maria, if you have to ask for respect from your boyfriend--if it is not happily and freely given, I would consider using the hamburger (google it and you'll be taken to the video on the hamburger), and if making your boyfriend aware of your feelings doesn't immediately result in his treating you better, with more consideration and more kindness--move along. Don't try to educate him; rather, just move along.
Currently going through this at work with the entire security staff. (There’s this everlasting beef between my department and them) which I never wanted to be apart of. Every time I walk past a guard, they start running their mouthes, talking down to me, staring at me when I take out the trash. Spreading rumors about me. And my anxiety is always heightened whenever I step foot in that place. So I just allow the disrespect to keep happening. Hopefully I can take something away from this.
@@TheWizardOfWords The man himself, bro, I just want to thank you with the most serious (though non-lethal) appreciation. It all started (maybe 2014ish) with your video on 'thats interesting...' 'why would you 1. say that? 2.ask that? 3. do that? To this day, it is the most AWESOME way to perform verbal judo on attackers. I REALLY turns the tables in a magical 'wtf just happened' kind of a way which puts the odes on the attacker to justify why the HECK they are attacking in the first place! And if you never got in the mud in the first place its only they who have to explain why they are attacking you! I already got lengthy with it, I just had to take the time to appreciate you DIRECTLY Dan, your personal compass, how to disagree with someone artfully ('the way I see it'), dog-gone-it brother, this has done wonders in my friendships and my marriage. Ill be back to binge watching in between studies. I wish you and your family Love and Light, may God Bless You Dan O Connor.
Hi Dan, I recently had an experience where I felt a tactical manager was being belittling/condescending to me but disguised it during a video conference. In the past few team calls, she has used the word 'minutiae' and 'mumbo-jumbo' regularly. I know she is working on actively changing the perception of her work nature, which is cool blue (detail, analytical, data-driven) to be perceived as more of a senior leader/exec which is typically red (direct, blunt, to the point). In the meeting, I suggested just one thing and then my manager who was also on the call rambled on into a rabbit hole. Instead of directing it to him, she actually used me as a scapegoat and said while she likes my great ideas, I'm getting into the minutiae (which we know the nature of the word means someone is caught up on very trivial, negligible matters). The irony is that the condescendor coaches other leaders on respecting different personality types by colour (yellow, red - direct, blue -detail/analytical green). What could I have done in that situation? Thanks a lot for this content.
JJ, come to the live show Tuesdays at 7:00 Chicago time and ask your question. If you have pressed the "join" button and become a member, your question shoots up to the top group to be answered.
This can also apply to bias and racist people. I think a lot of judgmental and racist people can be narcissistic and condescending. Also, people in power positions, people who feel as if they have more money than you, people who feel like they have better attire than you, people who feel like they are smarter than you- I remember I read this book called Awareness by Anthony DeMello, when I was 23 years old, and in that book, he mentioned that everyone who think they are normal is crazy. I can totally understand where that idea comes from, because it seems like the new normal is full of narcissistic people.
As someone from a loud and brash Italian family, I hate nothing more than passive aggression. I'd rather you just scream "you're an asshole" to my face
I had to deal with this the other day at work. I came in to work early because we were behind and I wanted to get a head start. I'm still kind of new and asked a veteran employee a question and they aggressively and hatefully suggested that I discover the answer to my question on my own. So, instead of simply answering my question which they could have done in about 7 words, they decide to be an asshole instead of a team player. This really gets to me too because my mother communicates in this exact same manner. Like if you asked my mom if she would like to go out to eat on Thursday night she would be like, "No, I have to work on Thursday!" And she would be mad that you didn't know her exact work schedule by heart... I describe it as them expecting others to have the exact same knowledge that they possess. If I did, why would I be asking you the question? I always wonder if it's related to autism and Theory of Mind. It reminds me of the autism Sally Anne Theory of Mind Test, where autistic children imagine that even though Sally was not present when something happened, Sally still has knowledge of the event happening. It shows that they do not understand the perspectives of others, at all. It makes me not want to speak to this person ever again. But, at the end of the day, i realize (and take solace) in knowing that they are like this because their lives suck, so they take it out on others.
Would you say that the clarity question is a variation of the : "Mmmm. That's interesting, why would you say that"? question. When would you recommend a more or less open ended question like that v.s. the closed ended clarity question of "Is this what you're trying to say". Are both approaches applicable in all scenarios. Or is one better than the other in some situations.
Dan I am trying to find the video that you had made that addresses SNIPER communicator and the phrases you used to tell them. That was a video of about 1-2 years ago but it's gone. Loved that video. Want to send a link of it to a friend. Can you direct me to the video that addresses that.
My chef is like this ,I am the dishwasher ,I told the GM I was going to get the union ,problem sorted ,the GM has been great ( obviously he does not want the union) proffesional and courteous
Today I was going over details on a project with someone and they said something like I’ve told you this several times before and that kind of comment insinuates that either I have trouble learning or I’m forgetful and it’s not a great way to talk to someone when you want their help in my opinion
Every time I ve called someone out (in the nicest possible way ) all they do is deny deny deny eg ....no I didn t mean it like that !! So I feel there is ne point xx
hi, a really good friend of mine just got really mad at me. she told me I'm condescending and I was really confused, and I don't understand how I'm being condescending. I try to be good at communicating, but, I realized I didn't understand condescension, so I looked it up, and I don't have a superior attitude, I have no idea where she gets that and it's eating at me. she freaked out and I didn't react emotionally and that only made her more mad. I don't want anything between us and it seems like she's making it up just to scapegoat other feelings. but I don't understand what I do. anything helps, thank you so much.
I'm here because a friend of mine is mean and will say things like "your dog is fat" (she's not) and the other day she told me something I did was "the stupidest thing she's ever seen" and I have laughed it off and now I've had it and want to respond appropriately and get her to stop
@@TheWizardOfWords thank you, I agree, and that might be the case here. She can be very nice but can also be terribly rude and it's not only to me but others in our group. I realize I can't change her but can definitely stop brushing off these comments and speak up for myself. She was rude again last night and I used the eye contact and body language from the video and felt empowered but she turned away in a dismissive manner. These videos are very valuable and helpful. Thank you .
When I was direct with a co-worker she reported it to the director and the director said that I threatened her when I utilized the word sis all I had texted was "Please address me by the name that I prefer I've corrected you before yet you did not respect it next time I will not be so polite sis." And all I had implied was that I would simply ignore her. I wont keep replying to her if she addressed me by my 1st name and not by my last, as she had done for the last 6 months. But my director said that it was a threat and she did not like how I described that environment as ghetto and unprofessional because she came from the ghetto. And so I had my first case of work retaliation
HEY MY FRIENDS: If these videos are having a positive impact on you, please show your support by becoming a CHANNEL MEMBER and/or clicking the THANKS BUTTON above and leaving a little love. A little love will allow me to continue delivering these videos directly to you!
I believe that people who exhibit this type of behavior are generally insecure with themselves🤔. I don't waste my time interacting with them.
Not all of them, I'm naturally like that and here because I'm looking for help, not all of us mean harm
I believe that you think you know about types of people. But do you know the 4 major personality type.
I’ve had to deal with a lot of condescending people at work and when I tried that strategy of clarifying they play the “dumb card”: “me?? Why would you think that?? Boo hoo you’ve hurt my feelings, etc” trying to make you look like the paranoid bad guy...
The key word is 'trying.' Most people in the room know what really happened. Cheers.
@SHORTAXIS Exactly!
Yeah they play dumb I’ve even heard the same answer from different people they’re fkn cowards !
Very true... "condensceders" really want to make other feel incompetent... good great tactics ... excellent
Hi dancun chiriga ! Thank you so much for watching and taking the time to comment. i appreciate it and I look forward to hearing from you again soon.. 👋 Let me know if there's anything I can help with, and please keep in touch, OK? Thank you!
I noticed this at work.
you're a genius. I need you in my head.
I’m a woman, almost 20 and I have two male colleagues. They’re both quite a lot older and extremely condescending. One straight out tells me I’m a baby and that I don’t know anything and the other constantly speaks to me in a slow tone as you would when talking to a child. He also does other little things like slow sarcastic clapping whenever I’ve completed a basic task (which I know how to do) and shakes his head at me whenever I make a ‘mistake’ I know they probably both have inferiority complexes and are projecting it onto me but it gets tiring dealing with it almost everyday. I feel belittled and stupid. Thanks for the video btw I just wanted to rant about this lol
To be honest, I want to SMASH the passive aggressive types and let people know that I'm not to be messed with.......
🐶👺
People on the comments saying ignore, it’s there own insecurities, they’re trying to make them feel better and you worse; that really doesn’t fix the problem, ultimately we don’t want patronising people getting away with what they’re doing, ignoring them doesn’t work.
Robert Downey Jr!!!!! Robert Downey Jr!!!! ROBERT FREAKIN DOWNEY FREAKIN JR!!!! All day I have been trying to pinpoint who you look like, and its him! LOVE YOU!
marthacvd yeah!!
marthacvd I literally have a thumbnail with Robert Downey Jr on my recommendations under this video right now! 😂 I wonder what the odds are for that.
I thought the exact same thing when I first saw him.
Wow, you’re right, good call!
Tomi Janet I was thinking the same thing! :D
These videos are 10X more helpful than the plethora of videos about “how to spot a gaslighter!” which then go on to describe communication which is passive aggressive and potentially harmful but usually just annoying, and does meet the true definition of gaslighting. Wish we could stop labeling people and start learning how to communicate with each directly and kindly.
Many thanks and I hope you catch the live show tomorrow (Tuesday at 7:00 CST, Chicago time) with therapist Lizzie Choate who has wonderful and practical insights on these topics :)
Thank you for being here Dan. I am dealing with difficulties at work, and your advice and expertise is more helpful than you know.
I am happy and feel blessed to have helped, R CO3.
Hey, Mister. You came into my life exactly when I needed your help. Thank God for you. I believe He sent you!!!💐💐
For real.
This is by far, the best video I have seen on how to deal with passive aggressive comments. Bless your soul. I have gotten so sick of passive aggressive comments being made over the past 7 years, that I tell them that if they are going to say passive aggressive comments... I'm going to say things that hurt their feelings. The enablers keep saying, "well, you don't know if they were talking about you cause they didn't say your name." Your video has quite possibly changed my life, THANK-YOU!!
I'm pretty sure they were talking about you I'm glad you came here to learn how to handle them❤ after two years I'm certain you are just as professional as Dan
Dan - I applaud your positive recommendations -
I would like to add - for your viewers that might find themselves in a 1st time (adult situation with the "Passive-Aggressive Person) -
Make a mental note of this "they are insecure as Dan pointed out - often jealous of your "balanced positive attitude" -
(Not to be confused w those whom are joking - even if in bad taste) -
WATCH FOR THE BULLYING TYPES OF BEHAVIORS - (The Narcissistic behaviors) as they can actually be a Narcissist or other Personality Disorder Types -
And definitely use the - It sounds as though you fell I can't do this well - is that what you are implying?"
Avoid a retort further as -
They could easily be looking for a reason to "bait" you ALSO - if they feel you publically embarrassed them - that could set off a "Gaslighting" plot against you -
Set clear boundaries - be firm and - watch for reoccuring encounters with more than one of these - as we magnets draw these types for a number of reasons -
If it becomes uncomfortable - seek help from a counselor/therapist on how to best handle these situations and what to avoid to prevent them.
Many terms describe what often gets lightly excused as "That's just how he or she is." Well, that is a social acceptance of an inappropriate behavior that often gets labeled Bully - and needs to be understood - they are nightmares -
Great positive sharing - people need good resource information - pass it along and join the Stop Bullying Campaigns (child and adult).
Be Happy being you!
Always remember: we see what we know. In other words: 'you spot it.... you got it.' This very humbling, but for as many times as I get annoyed by condescenders... I have to realize I have a bit of them in me!
Well said, many thanks!🙏🏻
I can't stand people like that
I can’t stand most people, sigh
Have ASD, and do extremely well on standardized tests, so I suspect I'm not as stupid as coworkers and supervisors find me. My problem is that fight/flight/freeze kicks in, and my go-to is 'freeze'. Freezing for me includes the brain, and I always forget this. The few times I don't, I'm seen as being aggro/defensive.
only when this is not your boss. Passive aggressive bosses can destroy you. I actually think they enjoy doing the slap down.
how's it going w/ boss?
Nora Dawn
OMG.. passive aggressive bosses are the most dangerous variety. Wear a hazmat suit at all times.
I believe so to... I just messaged office manager at my job if they still need me tomorrow as they are being flakey with my hours and she says "Yes Missy"... very disrespectful in my opinion. How do you call her out on that one word without her responding by saying something along the lines of You're being petty, and your difficult bc she doesn't want to be called out.
@@jaclynh9343 thank you for those hours I really appreciate them, I love my job and the team - . Missy??? Its Jaclyn here and I love my name and to be addressed as Jaclyn please. See you tomorrow etc
@@Fiiii4567
I love your response. I quickly responded just saying thank you. After today I am quitting. I do not like how their is so much abuse emotionally in the office The workers do not even get lunches. The boss who owns the dental office treated staff badly that two girls cried this week. I found that out today... very sad and life is too short. I am not putting up with that shit.
My husband is the king of passive aggressive! I just try ignore him. Sometimes I am successful but sometimes I get reeled in!
I gotta be brutally honest. I love your videos and I wish this information was far more international than it is. Thank you for standing up for all of us. You know this puts you in a situation that could escalate to difficult. But I want to thank you. I would love to be one of your guests. I've had a lot of experience within all over bearing bully situations.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 We are all the same person experiencing life in a bunch of different bodies which means that every person that you meet is really YOU living in another body!!! you see, you are interacting with YOURSELF at all times and once you realize this you can achieve UNITY✨🙏✨
There's someone on my other TH-cam channel that's commenting on EVERY video right now, every comment is condescending and it is so irritating. I'm glad I've found your channel.
That's one problem with public forums. One person can ruin them on any given day.
This video has smashed it!!!
I find it so frustrating when I get people trying to have control over my life and tearing me down to their level!
Thanks, Mumina. Please continue to watch, like, and spread the word.
Thank you so much Dan for taking the trouble to answer my question. Fortunately, I have distanced myself from this particular person since, but I will no doubt encounter her again in the future, and because of your help I will be more than equipped to deal with her. Love your videos Dan.
Clarifying question, and Narrate the scene. ❤❤❤😃
I like the clarifying question. To follow it a bit further, how do you handle any deflections or other defenses from the condescender? Even if you speak calmly, you might hear, "Don't be so sensitive," or "Oh, God, this is what it's like being on a committee with a woman," or "Rather than waste everyone else's time with your irrelevant little questions, let's just move along." I've heard similar for me or other women. Thanks for any guidance and insights.
How about: "Let me state it another way--do not speak to me in that condescending manner again. No one is impressed. Your sexist (and/or rude) comments are not appreciated. If you want to continue this conversation, see me privately." If the comments continue, you continue with the broken record. "Apparently you didn't hear me. Do not speak. . . .see me privately." DON'T DEVIATE FROM THE SCRIPT AND ALLOW THEM TO ENGAGE YOU. DON'T DO IT. Keep repeating the broken record; it keeps you in charge of the conversation.
Carolyn, this takes both practice and firm resolve. Practice in front of a mirror--and then be prepared to firmly tell this person to knock it off by using the above script. This would be ONLY if the clarifying question isn't enough for the offender.
Dan
Online Communication Skills Training Videos with Dan O'Connor -- I love that follow-up response! It's direct, dignified, clear, and doesn't take over the meeting. But I have also seen even mildly confrontational or dignity-protecting responses like this stir others to imply that the sensitive woman/women are making a big deal. It's different when it's male to male than when it's male to female. Other than repetition, is there a way you recommend handling condescension? Such as talking with the person offline, on your own turf? Sometimes I have gotten cool/mean immediately in public with a smile, which can work but I don't like to be equally hostile or zinger-y to someone just because I can. PS, I don't mean to imply that I constantly have men talk down to me; I work as a moderately public figure though and sometimes draw more fire than the average business gal.
I believe that any time you can speak to the person privately--on your turf--without an audience--you have a chance to stop the behavior--as long as you remain cool but direct. And in public, in order to minimize the chance of people thinking you are making much ado about nothing--make certain your tone is calm but firm and direct. Tone is everything when you're handling bullies or people who are condescending. Strong, not mean, and calm but not passive.
Very good. Does work with perhaps half of the cases. Yet, it never really ends for the other insidious toxic kind because the degree of deflection and denial does not reach limits: "You are so weak and touchy. C'mon, don't you have a sense of humor, put yourself together, what's the matter with you". < logical rebuttal > "You are so pathetic" "you look like a cop trying to boss around" < logical rebuttal > *rolls eyes, shakes head in disapproval, silent treatment* < another attempt to reason or build empathy to make sense of the situation > *changes subject else inserts mean comment, leaves room, leaves issue unresolved and disowned*.
Then they'll employ all sort of passive aggressive anti social behavior that will throw dirt to your reputation: smear campaign, flying monkeys, triangulation, gaslighting, lies, lies, more lies.
This is by the same person that later will behave to you like nothing happened however will then reel you in later down the road with another mean trick from their toolbox for as long they notice they can get their way with you while overthrowing your confidence and possibly preying on your self-esteem.
Deceitful speech, hypocritical conduct and shameless lying as convenient are also common deflection tactics in the comebacks. I assure you that no matter how assertive you think you are, if you have some sense of morals, a conscience or experience shame or remorse about mischief - which your bully probably won't have an iota of -, you'll be setting yourself up for all sorts of phony guilt-trips and forced irrational negativity. They'll rationalize the indefensible to the point of either make you break in self doubt, or completely exhaust you or push you to anger or a bad mood to ruin your day.
That's what they do, and they'll be likely to be better than you and beat you with experience in their stupid circus because they have developed and refined these defense mechanisms over the years and they've gone uncalled and unpunished for being covert and undetectable by most people who are not aware of this type of personality disorder. There are some counter-manipulation techniques of course, but in my opinion they are not sustainable and who wants to live like this anyway, we normal people need real relationships with real people.
Attempting a direct approach or forthcoming communication does not work with their type because even if you somehow think you've identified the problem with them, they'll do anything to cowardly keep dodging responsibility to cooperate to resolve conflict, or deny to their grave anything that puts blame on them regarding the problem they have purposefully triggered and instigated. By dwelling in conflict, or inventing a fake conflict or confrontation, even when there doesn't really exist any, is exactly how they manage to stay in power in the minds of the empaths or codependents that are somehow trying to earn the respect or approval they have already decided not to give you from the very beginning.
It has nothing to do with you, but their crappy psychology and their dearth of soul. And, by the way, since they don't have a soul, be aware, they want to steal yours into their vortex, into their abyss of hopeless desperation and nothingness. They are like zombies and they actually intent to turn you into one of their own with all of these subtle digs.
The Scriptures have warned us about the wicked man:
1 Peter 5:8. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
Psalm 1:1 Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers
Proverbs 29:8 Mockers stir up a city, but the wise turn away anger.
Ephesians 5:11 Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them - by exemplifying personal integrity, moral courage, and godly character
Proverbs 13:20 He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.
Matthew 10:14 And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town.
Second Peter 3:3 knowing this first of all, that scoffers will come in the last days with scoffing, following their own sinful desires - envy and jealousy are common underlying feelings in the bitter and resentful backhanded comments of sniders
2 CORINTHIANS 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers, for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?
2 Timothy 3:1-5 You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. 2 For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. 3 They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. 4 They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. 5 They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that!
Proverbs 4:23 Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life - Guard your heart and protect it otherwise somebody is going to break it. Know thyself lest narcissists can't tell you who you are in the face of slander and gaslighting.
Etc.
My honest take is: don't beat yourself, don't wrestle with the pigs in the muddy sty. Stop the cat-and-mouse game. You just can't reason with an impossible person and expect anything good. I've already tried this scientific approach with covert narcs and the cluster Bs, and all I did was getting badly burnt every time. Just as I also see other people unknowingly falling for these cheap manipulation tactics just for not knowing their strategies in their emotional bullying. There is no use or purpose, your negotiations attempts will be painful, fruitless and you're likely to end up somehow betrayed by their broken reasoning or evasive tricks in their never owning responsibility for what they say or do. The best approach I've found in this case, is simply the same advice you hear all the time when it comes to deal with these obnoxious people, from therapists, psychologists, experienced victims, and the Holy Bible: run for the hills! Come to terms with the fact your aggressor is just a poisonous person for whatever reason you simply don't want to mess or attempt to fix, and cut them off from your life. If going no contact is not an option, second best is grow distant and grey rock with them until you can cut their ties. If you are tightly bonded to the person achieving this will require a little art and counter manipulation to properly prepare and execute but doing the homework pays off with a happier and more productive life.
Good luck people, keep exposing evil and reproach it for what it is, since it often comes hidden wrapped in the present from your closest fake friends and cunning relatives.
Ulises José Corona de Jesús I had to work with a person like that who went undetected. It was horrible. I was happy at work minding my business and she tried to break me down all the while stealing ideas taking credit gossiping and defaming me. I prayed that one day she'd be found out, seen for her true colors and made to pay.
It's sad that we have to study how to communicate with toxic people, when we know that they are the ones in need of help. With that being said, PAs are very good at twisting your words, to try and convince you, how you started the whole thing. They are so tiring. So in order for us to stand our ground against their manipulations, we have to learn how to handle them. People shouldn't have to be so darn difficult.
Patriotgirl, I agree. There will always be difficult people. Sometimes WE are the difficult people as well. We have to learn how to navigate the waters, because the sharks aren't going to therapy anytime soon. And hopefully when our own bad behavior is called out, we'll reflect and correct, rather than becoming defensive.
OMG ty🎉
We are all a work in progress. Dan, keep providing these powerful learning tools for honing communication skills.👍👍👍
Reverse condescending. I like that. Good job thank you for the advice.
Your "tunes" in the beginning are hilarious. THANKS
Very effective tools for use at home, but can be costly to try at work. Thanks Dan.
I like this. What do you say if they say yes that’s what Im trying to say? Also will asking them what they mean give them satisfaction to think they’ve gotten a reaction? I suspect when they are called out on their behavior they will try to say I’m over reacting. Funny how like you said they must feel impotent, but always talking about how great they are. Inside they must not believe it. I usually am caught off guard by these kind of people and don’t realize how their comment made me feel until well after it’s said. I hate this kind of stuff because I’m a kind hearted person and don’t operate this way. I don’t like being around people where I have to keep my guard up.
This is 2 years late for my reply but sounds like you are dealing with high up there narcissistic behaviour. I'm in the same boat.
Family members can be very bad for this. Some are narcissistic and spiteful
Sometimes, however, we throw the term "narcissist" around a little too liberally--when the people to whom we refer are just plain old difficult.
Thanks dan, today I can’t always keep what you say in my head on the spot but I am bad at letting people pass things off at work. Something came up and somebody try to pass a job off for me to follow up on and they were the person that was supposed todo it. My answer was along the lines of “ I think that was part of the task you were assigned so I will leave that in your capable hands. Told them three times “I’ll leave that in your capable hands” each time they beat around the bush thinking I would take the work. I know that work will not get completed and in the past I have taken it to please the client ... was just a good feeling that I no longer am taking work on that others should be doing because I know it won’t get don’t of I don’t do it.
Thank you for explaining this. I'll definitely take this knowledge and become more conscious of it moving forward. Therefore with the past four jobs i've had I always seem to be surrounded by these type of individuals. I won hundred percent of the time make sure I do everything in my power to respect others in ways that I wish to be as well. It's getting so bad that even management has been so toxic at time in professional positions. I've had sit downs with them discussing these things and I always get the short end of the stick "Because they are the managers and in control- it doesn't matter what I say or do". Even with hard evidence and proof! I'm starting to lose all hope with everything lately. I also have a great work ethic too! The numbers don't lie and quality of work is up to pare. When I am not the best at something I admit that. Something I always appreciate is help from other in getting better. I make sure to always keep an open mind and hear what others have to say.
Anyways- I really need some help and always struggle to get that when I actually need it in situations like these. Usually I'm expected to just man up and deal with it, leaving me to figure it out once again. So much has happened, more negative than positive and I cannot understand where I am going wrong!
Luke, write jean@danoconnortraining.com so she has your email. I have a suggestion for you that might assist you in your learning process.
I'm going to try this. Sounds more legit than anything I've thought of so far.
Thanks Dan I have someone at work who is like that to me all the time, I shall use this at the first opportunity I get
By the way I did get to use that at work. I stayed calm and ssid back to the person exactly like you said to and then the person said " oh no I didn't mean it no " . I thrn said om then. I did thay a couple of times in the week and I enjoyed it too. Works a treat. Thsnks again.
Joanna Borley I was going to ask you how it went but you already answered! Thank you for sharing! 🤗
Oh Dan, I wish I had remembered this technique when a co-worker in the dental office I recently left once pointed to a magazine ad for a push-up bra and asked me; Do wear these? Is that why all of the patients like you?" I ignored her at the time, damn! But now I know how to handle it in future
Dragonrdh disgusting
That's sexual harassment.
@ Dragonrdh - perhaps you could say to your co-worker - with a comment like that you certainly work in the best place to replace your teeth🤣🤣
@@crystalclearcommunication8621 LOL! Indeed! I only recently found out that she was trying schedule patients with herself for treatment, but they didn't want to see her , that's why she was mad.
I studied english lit and comp and sometimes i find this very thing ur discussing the BANE of my business and personal communication existence. Empowerment belongs to those of us who take it by learning, doing, making choices w radical acceptance of possible good or consequence along the way. It requires risk taking and believing in your capabilities. I love your minimal effort with a yet high return of effectiveness suggestions! Dialectic baybee! Aloha pumehana from the Hawaiian Kingdom Nation!
OK, now I have to go look up pumehana . . . . The aloha part I have down pat.
When ppl try to condescend to me, I just wink at them. It gives them something to wonder about....they're actually nice to me after that!
Lol what
finally, a strategy to take down condescending enemies.
you know i just want to say thank you for making cool videos , im very positive that you help thousands of people and you are a cool vato
I’m late to the party, but am now a subscribing fan. He gives great advice!!!
Thanks, TAS and though you may be late, you've plenty of time to get caught up--and I'll be doing many many more videos in case you want to binge-watch. Feel free. But please like and share as you go?
Dan
Here’s another effective response: “Condescender help me understand what you’re trying to say when you snicker and suggest I’d be good at that. “. Then let the silence sit until they answer.
Wow thanks. I've had to deal with several police officers lately. This is a small town and it's obvious they don't want to deal with my psychotic neighbors. I totally understand what they're saying which is, "Just shut up and ignore them if you want to be outside or stay inside all the time."
When I win the lottery I will NOT be calling anyone! Lol! I love your videos. I want you to become ultra famous. Thanks for spreading all these antidotes to toxicity.
I love your delivery ❤ You are a great teacher. Thank you for sharing this 🙏🏽
You are so welcome, Rachelle.
Its at work and at school. And, I cant handle it. Infact, I am so sensitive right now in my life... because I am coping with loss and had initial insecurity at depth. What kills me is that I treat everyone equally and with respect and patience. I understand the human experience at depth .. even though these jerks are clueless in that regard. But, even more ... my personality wants harmony all the time... and I simply cannot and do not have the ability to respond immediately in the moment which makes me look stupid. Thats how I function. I just cannot be that person who thinks on my feet or hits someone head on. I also have so much care and sensitivy for them because I dont want to make them feel bad or insecure. Unfortunately, underneath I know they are doing this because they are.
Dana I feel you but sweeping things under the rag all the time cause you don't wanna hurt anybody eventually will take a toll on you cause slowly by slowly you will start harbouring resentment and then out of the blue explodes.I was like that take in all the shit and then out of nowhere react explosively nowadays if you say something slightly provocative I'll react at an instant and give you feedback but later on if I felt what you said didn't seat well with me I'll call that someone out tomorrow and I'll ask questions what's that all about and see how we can solve it cause I don't want that resentment to build up cause I know what type of person I am,if I let that resentment builds up the outcome would be worse not for me but for that jerks.try and talk it out Dana slowly by slowly.just be polite and calm and ask what's that all about.
Hi dan, thank you for this, my problem is with my boss making belittling remarks in front of other people, when this happens I react badly and snap back and end up looking like a crazy person and boss lady will say something like "oh grumpy are we" there are times she will stand over me while I'm sitting and snap her fingers right in front of my face, stupid me will try and interpret what she wants and for example I'll hand her the document I am working on she will then say "no, a pen" she has done this several times and i feel humiliated. I work in as an administrator in a hospital setting, it is a very heirarchial environment. What can I do to handle my boss without being unprofessional, I am currently looking for another job
Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like horrible bullying behaviour. Is there a way you could report her? She is your female boss. Maybe trying to find another job is a good idea.
these are so good, thanks. I am getting a lot out of them. Wish I'd seen these a long time ago!!
Jasper, if you want a deeper dive into this training, go to danoconnortraining.com and if you decide you can swim in the deep waters--email Jean and she'll give you a deal :). jean@danoconnortraining.com
Love your optimism!
I used this tactic and I managed to put my point across that what he said didn't seat well with me and I finished by saying if you didn't meant what you said in a bad way we are cool.that solved it
I came here to find out why someone was condescending towards me, but I realise that I was being condescending completely obnoxiously first. I plan to reconsider how I start my conversations with this person and pay attention to how they may see my behaviour first.
That's quite a revelation, Anna, and I think it will serve you well going forward.
This is brilliant. Thank you
I love your videos and savvy communication skills. I need them!
+chilloften Thanks Chill! I appreciate you taking the time to tell me that. I'll make sure to keep them coming for you!
You're awesome, Dan! What other tactics do you suggest for a situation dealing with passive aggressive remarks?
Brilliant! Passive aggressive behaviour drives me mad!
:)
@@TheWizardOfWords I send these to my kids and they LOVE them! My daughter channeled you this morning with a co-worker then rang me to tell me all about it! She said ‘I forgot that guy’s name but everyone should be watching and learning from him!’ High praise indeed from a 25 yr old!
It's the people who say very subtle, passive aggressive things, where the tone of their voice actually says more about their real intent that annoy me. It's the kind of communication that - when relayed to another person, without the tone of voice - they would say, ''Oh, he/she surely didn't mean it that way.''
Yes, that’s frustrating. But, just like everything else, most people don’t realize they’re being passive aggressive - they’ve learned to be that way, either from their parents, or as a defense mechanism that they’ve never even realized or thought about, until someone points it out in a way they can hear it.
Thank you for these incredibly valuable videos 👏🏻
Awesome! Love your specific examples and verbatim responses. Thanks :)
When my boyfriend ‘s mum said that it will be good fun to take me to the French movie festival, my boyfriend said “it’s a waste of time because she won’t understand anything and I have to translate everything “
He said it in a arrogant way and this is not the first time I get put down.
It is true that I don’t speak French but participating the event is exciting and I am happy as if it is visiting another country without speaking the language. What’s wrong with that? And, his mum was already aware that I don’t speak French.
How could i stood up for myself here and defend my respect?
Thanks Dan!
Maria, if you have to ask for respect from your boyfriend--if it is not happily and freely given, I would consider using the hamburger (google it and you'll be taken to the video on the hamburger), and if making your boyfriend aware of your feelings doesn't immediately result in his treating you better, with more consideration and more kindness--move along. Don't try to educate him; rather, just move along.
Currently going through this at work with the entire security staff. (There’s this everlasting beef between my department and them) which I never wanted to be apart of. Every time I walk past a guard, they start running their mouthes, talking down to me, staring at me when I take out the trash. Spreading rumors about me. And my anxiety is always heightened whenever I step foot in that place. So I just allow the disrespect to keep happening. Hopefully I can take something away from this.
I hope you find this helpful. No one should have to put up with what you described.
SO grateful! Dan, your information might help me save my career. Off to watch the next vid, please keep up the amazing work! ~heartfelt thanks
DAAAN! I NEED YOU TODAY!! HOLY SHIIIIIT IM GLAD I RAN INTO ONE OF YOUR VIDS!!
#BackOnTheDanTrain
Welcome back, Jay--glad you're #BackOnTheDanTrain.
@@TheWizardOfWords The man himself, bro, I just want to thank you with the most serious (though non-lethal) appreciation. It all started (maybe 2014ish) with your video on 'thats interesting...' 'why would you
1. say that?
2.ask that?
3. do that?
To this day, it is the most AWESOME way to perform verbal judo on attackers. I REALLY turns the tables in a magical 'wtf just happened' kind of a way which puts the odes on the attacker to justify why the HECK they are attacking in the first place! And if you never got in the mud in the first place its only they who have to explain why they are attacking you!
I already got lengthy with it, I just had to take the time to appreciate you DIRECTLY Dan, your personal compass, how to disagree with someone artfully ('the way I see it'), dog-gone-it brother, this has done wonders in my friendships and my marriage. Ill be back to binge watching in between studies. I wish you and your family Love and Light, may God Bless You Dan O Connor.
Thanks man for all the work you do! I really need this!
Happy to help!
Good morning To All thanks Dan
The best answer on the Internet. Just subscribe to him. Everyone else does not give you the how.
Hi Dan,
I recently had an experience where I felt a tactical manager was being belittling/condescending to me but disguised it during a video conference. In the past few team calls, she has used the word 'minutiae' and 'mumbo-jumbo' regularly. I know she is working on actively changing the perception of her work nature, which is cool blue (detail, analytical, data-driven) to be perceived as more of a senior leader/exec which is typically red (direct, blunt, to the point).
In the meeting, I suggested just one thing and then my manager who was also on the call rambled on into a rabbit hole. Instead of directing it to him, she actually used me as a scapegoat and said while she likes my great ideas, I'm getting into the minutiae (which we know the nature of the word means someone is caught up on very trivial, negligible matters).
The irony is that the condescendor coaches other leaders on respecting different personality types by colour (yellow, red - direct, blue -detail/analytical green). What could I have done in that situation? Thanks a lot for this content.
JJ, come to the live show Tuesdays at 7:00 Chicago time and ask your question. If you have pressed the "join" button and become a member, your question shoots up to the top group to be answered.
When ppl have a problem with me it's more of a reflection on themselves because I'm nice to everyone
God bless you so much. U help so many people.
This can also apply to bias and racist people. I think a lot of judgmental and racist people can be narcissistic and condescending.
Also, people in power positions, people who feel as if they have more money than you, people who feel like they have better attire than you, people who feel like they are smarter than you-
I remember I read this book called Awareness by Anthony DeMello, when I was 23 years old, and in that book, he mentioned that everyone who think they are normal is crazy. I can totally understand where that idea comes from, because it seems like the new normal is full of narcissistic people.
As someone from a loud and brash Italian family, I hate nothing more than passive aggression. I'd rather you just scream "you're an asshole" to my face
Thanks so much for this simple friendly retort.
I had to deal with this the other day at work. I came in to work early because we were behind and I wanted to get a head start. I'm still kind of new and asked a veteran employee a question and they aggressively and hatefully suggested that I discover the answer to my question on my own.
So, instead of simply answering my question which they could have done in about 7 words, they decide to be an asshole instead of a team player.
This really gets to me too because my mother communicates in this exact same manner. Like if you asked my mom if she would like to go out to eat on Thursday night she would be like, "No, I have to work on Thursday!" And she would be mad that you didn't know her exact work schedule by heart...
I describe it as them expecting others to have the exact same knowledge that they possess. If I did, why would I be asking you the question?
I always wonder if it's related to autism and Theory of Mind. It reminds me of the autism Sally Anne Theory of Mind Test, where autistic children imagine that even though Sally was not present when something happened, Sally still has knowledge of the event happening. It shows that they do not understand the perspectives of others, at all.
It makes me not want to speak to this person ever again. But, at the end of the day, i realize (and take solace) in knowing that they are like this because their lives suck, so they take it out on others.
Would you say that the clarity question is a variation of the : "Mmmm. That's interesting, why would you say that"? question. When would you recommend a more or less open ended question like that v.s. the closed ended clarity question of "Is this what you're trying to say". Are both approaches applicable in all scenarios. Or is one better than the other in some situations.
This is excellent advice. Thank you.
Thanks, Melissa. Please feel free to share it!
The song in the beginning is corny....but catchy...lol, I can't stop singing along. 😂. Excellent advice, thank you!
Thank you! I needed this.
Dan I am trying to find the video that you had made that addresses SNIPER communicator and the phrases you used to tell them. That was a video of about 1-2 years ago but it's gone. Loved that video. Want to send a link of it to a friend. Can you direct me to the video that addresses that.
My chef is like this ,I am the dishwasher ,I told the GM I was going to get the union ,problem sorted ,the GM has been great ( obviously he does not want the union) proffesional and courteous
Excellent; problem solved.
Today I was going over details on a project with someone and they said something like I’ve told you this several times before and that kind of comment insinuates that either I have trouble learning or I’m forgetful and it’s not a great way to talk to someone when you want their help in my opinion
Thank you! I’m going to write this advice down. Xx
Excellent. Your videos are very helpful.
Thanks Dan. This was really helpful.
You're welcome, Carli.
Thank you so much! This prepares me for my new job starting soon. Awesome resources over here. I just found your channel and I'm a new subscriber😎
Thanks for your subscription, Narda, and please continue to like, and by all means SHARE!
DAN
So be it, aholes are making me up my communication skills. Subscribed, I appreciate the advice here
Welcome aboard and please press the notification button so you can join us for live shows on these and other topics.
Every time I ve called someone out (in the nicest possible way ) all they do is deny deny deny eg ....no I didn t mean it like that !! So I feel there is ne point xx
Perhaps they didn't mean it like that. If you believe they did, tell them that and ask that they not say such things again. Ever.
Hey Dan. What advice do you have about how to respond to a negative/critical performance review?
I work with all of these people haha. Oh lucky me. Finding these tips very helpful.
I love your advice and support. Love your channel.
Great ommumication!!!❤
Excellent advice!
Glad it was helpful!
I like it! very powerful!
+Mike Bius (Illinois Gun Pros) Thanks Mike! I appreciate the comment. Please keep watching, and subscribe if you haven't.
Thank you. This was very helpful for me.
What if they say you look like you were about to fall alseep but I was just bored just yawing a bit?
Yawning might indicate you are bored or tired, and I wouldn't be doing any of that in a meeting--with or without my boss present.
hi, a really good friend of mine just got really mad at me. she told me I'm condescending and I was really confused, and I don't understand how I'm being condescending. I try to be good at communicating, but, I realized I didn't understand condescension, so I looked it up, and I don't have a superior attitude, I have no idea where she gets that and it's eating at me. she freaked out and I didn't react emotionally and that only made her more mad. I don't want anything between us and it seems like she's making it up just to scapegoat other feelings. but I don't understand what I do. anything helps, thank you so much.
I'm here because a friend of mine is mean and will say things like "your dog is fat" (she's not) and the other day she told me something I did was "the stupidest thing she's ever seen" and I have laughed it off and now I've had it and want to respond appropriately and get her to stop
M.C. if you have a friend who is mean and talks to you in the manner described--I would question the word "friend."
@@TheWizardOfWords thank you, I agree, and that might be the case here. She can be very nice but can also be terribly rude and it's not only to me but others in our group. I realize I can't change her but can definitely stop brushing off these comments and speak up for myself. She was rude again last night and I used the eye contact and body language from the video and felt empowered but she turned away in a dismissive manner.
These videos are very valuable and helpful. Thank you .
Thank you.
I love this!
When I was direct with a co-worker she reported it to the director and the director said that I threatened her when I utilized the word sis all I had texted was
"Please address me by the name that I prefer I've corrected you before yet you did not respect it next time I will not be so polite sis."
And all I had implied was that I would simply ignore her. I wont keep replying to her if she addressed me by my 1st name and not by my last, as she had done for the last 6 months.
But my director said that it was a threat and she did not like how I described that environment as ghetto and unprofessional because she came from the ghetto.
And so I had my first case of work retaliation
Really good advice, thank you!!!