I’ve been conditioned from childhood to put my mothers needs before my own. I wasn’t allowed to have needs because it caused her stress. She has to have complete control of me in our relationship. Now I am setting boundaries with her and the shame and guilt is overwhelming.
Sending you strength and good wishes. Something I'm going to try is, while I am alone, take slow, deep, relaxing breaths and just practice saying the word No.
Understand what you are dealing with. It must be possible to set boundaries to protect oneself from manipulative people, maybe someone chooses to call it selfish but so what.
Working on this too. Just realizing today that I don’t even have a sense of self. Selfhood as expressed in needs, wants, desires, preferences. Before I can set boundaries I need to know what I want, need, desire. On the journey with ya all. All the best. We can heal :)
I WAS a walking MAYBE, people could read my lack of self hood and keep pressuring me until l was so anxiety riddled l gave in. Manipulation was all around me. Then l would attack myself by overeating to self sooth my rage. Learn to roar, stay away from anyone you feel unsafe with until you build your self esteem and permission to be real, and NO is integrated into you. We are not responsible for others, your in charge of you only. Never put you second ever. That is sanity.
Exactly what I've been up to...roaring and taking time to reflect and rejuvenate. Spent my birthday, Xmas and now Valentine's alone this year and not even mad at it. Thanks for summing it up so well!
What do you find helps, eh? Have been in counselling for the last 1.5 years, learning about rituals and meditation a bit recently because I kinda want out of the whole prescription med general practitioner allopathic talk it out type thing. Seeking a new alternative path, you know? Crystals and meditation and lifestyle if that makes sense. 🏞️💕💜
I'm sorry Grace. That sounds like it was hard and might still be challenging. I feel threads of the same pain for similar reasons, so my heart goes out. I support you morally! You can do this at your own rate, For your own journey! (Let me know if I can help.)
Grace Sanity me. Now I’m afraid of everybody though. In the past every time I stood up for myself, I got name called, claws came out, nice people turned into accusing monsters. Bringing me to feel I WAS domineering and controlling ect. I could never be HUMBLE ENOUGH.
7:24 onwards: “If someone’s mistreating you, is it really in their best interest that you don’t put your foot down? No. In general, the reason people don’t set boundaries is because they’re afraid of being mean, they’re afraid of feeling guilty, or they’re afraid of feeling scared. So the reason they’re not setting that boundary is not for the other person - they’re not trying to be kind to the other person. They’re trying to prevent themselves from feeling uncomfortable. It’s - it’s selfish.” An intriguing insight, Emma, which I’ve often missed in the past. Thank you for that!
I thought what I got from it was discomfort. The discomfort of standing up for the boundary in each situation is a major reason why some don't hold boundaries. I haven't watched many of these at all, but it sounds compartmentalized (albeit soothing.) I'm supposed to see beyond black and white thinking, yet these reactions are either coming from a love or hate place? This sounds black and white. Also I'm not sure if I buy hate, so much as fear being the driving factor in the selfish side of the column. I understand they are related, so perhaps that's just my bias. I can tell there's more to this than what's being covered in the video.
I was raised to think and feel that way. Shame was the tool. You find out who your real friends are! The FIRST time I said no to everyone of these Narcissistic people they were gone!!
Exactly...I sure wish I had learned to say no earlier so they would have disappeeared long before I put my whole heart out there to let them destroy! 12 years later....😧😮
MtnGirl & Bunny Now that we know, Think about it as a great skill that you learned! it’s a great test for new people! Keep your heart guarded in the meantime and then when they “test you” and you have a boundary, that’s when you’ll know! It helps to switch the way that you see them into little spoiled children when they start having a fit of some kind because I said No... it makes it a lot easier to just be a strong adult. Narcs HATE THAT! 😂
The next step is how to keep the boundaries once they are set. Certain people don’t respect boundaries. This is a particularly difficult thing to manage when the trespasser is someone you need to deal with ie: parent, sibling, spouse rather than a colleague, friend or dating partner.
I think you’re correct. See Dustin Willis’ reply to the comment about ...narcissists. He gives a touching and thoughtful example of being with his dying mother, trying to at least move the conversation focus to a neutral place. The idea that even trying to get a difficult or narcissistic person to agree to your viewpoint on your boundaries is a bit like you trying to control their opinions: it’s both boundary crossing in itself and pretty futile.
I don’t think so, if you don’t communicate your feelings how they are going to know. If you tell a love one I don’t like this or that don’t do it, that person because they love you they will stop. It’s up to us to put the fence don’t blame anyone. We just forgot how to have a loving conversation anymore, we don’t talk to each other.
@@mariapilarmethis is accurate and I think that there's a misunderstanding of the differences between core values, preferences add our personal lack of understanding of Our Own trauma or triggers. So for instance I was yelled at by my dad as a kid, so anybody yelling would freak me out. And I would say stop yelling at me! Well I can't control their behavior I had to learn how to control my reaction. Once I did that they stopped yelling because I didn't react to it or respond to it. And I would calmly say if you raise your voice to me I will have to leave this conversation. And then I would actually follow through by walking away if they started yelling at me and reminding them of that boundary. That's what it looks and sounds like when you said a healthy boundary. I could have spent the rest of my life cowering and crying and saying stop yelling at me and that would have provided me with no relief from these type of people. A lot of us confused core values with preferences. That's annoying today what you're doing, but tomorrow I might not mind so much. So there is that low-level respect where being present in the moment and respecting the moment is important. And making sure we're clearly communicating. Every time you do this it bothers me it's going to always bother me. I've done my work and it's just going to still bother me no matter what. So could you not do it? And if you keep doing it I'll have to leave the room. Some people think that if they tell somebody something once they'll just figure out that it's forever. But there are places where you cannot compromise like for me it's health and wellness and taking care of my body. I cannot compromise in that area my body and my health are the only thing I'll have left at the end of my life and if I don't take care of them now they won't be there for me later. So with my children I will not compromise in that area. And if someone crosses those boundaries they're immediately cut off. I give them one chance and that's it. I have kids with allergies and sensitivities to food you don't compromise on core values. You shut that person out.
I'm a massage therapist and in the beginning, I used to feel hesitant to tell people my cancellation policy when they set their first appointment -- like you said, it felt "mean" or harsh. Then I realized, the first appointment is the one that they are most likely to cancel or no-show! And that telling them my policy AFTER they cancelled or didn't show, was actually the mean thing to do. How were they supposed to respect my policy if I hadn't told them what it was? So that's how I got over that boundary feeling "mean." I just was giving them all the information they needed, right up front.
I have always struggled with setting good boundaries. I liked your point that where is it coming from, and not setting proper boundaries is a selfish thing.
I had a hard time with the word 'selfish' but it makes sense from a deeper and profound healing perspective. Taking things personally is a long-standing habit that goes back generations in my family. Needing to explore this more tonight. Thanks for the inspiring comment.
It finally makes sense why my narcissistic mother was nice from time to time. It's because she wasn't, she just was soft-selfish, which I misinterpreted as being nice. What a revelation
So to stopped them you are going to tell them you are nice but this is the line. It’s not up to them it’s up to you to care for yourself. You will feel very good once you put the first boundary, wow I did it and nothing happened.
I used to not saying no and told myself that I don’t wanna make them sad or feel bad. After watching this clip, now I know that it’s partly bc I don’t wanna face the discomfort myself too. Wow.. Thank you so much !!!
I don't know that people always feel your intentions. I think the important part is you are clear and know your intention. Thank you for this - very helpful.
Yes! I just set a boundary with someone, not hoping to cut off all communication but just to not socialize beyond what is required of us. They didn't realize that I still wanted to be in relationship with them or, because I had the audacity to set a boundary with them, they decided to kick it up a notch and reduce our interactions to just the greeting of the day, if so much. I know it was a retaliation out of hurt and embarrassment, but if the person had really seen my heart they wouldn't have had such a drastic response to my boundary.
My struggle is setting boundaries when I carry resentment and anger towards that person. It’s really difficult to be kind about it and I know that just creates more tension.
Just wait until you are not mad again and try to calmly talk and make your point. Once you put the boundary you will feel good about yourself. The point it’s you and what you want not if they feel comfortable or not. I think for not selfish people it’s hard to become selfish but it up to you to take care of you. I was like you years ago but I changed I put boundaries and people respect them. You will be surprised of yourself you can do it.
"Remember, the way we get healthier is not just about feeling better, it is about getting better at feeling." Wonderfully worded! I've never taken into account my motivation for setting a boundary before but this realization has made a lot of sense to me. Thanks so much for this video, it is so very helpful!!
This video demonstrates clear thinking from a healthy perspective. First, establish a healthy point of view and don't let yourself be manipulated based on your need for approval or a misguided sense of heroism. Make a decision based on your own needs and wants and stick to it. You have a right to representation by a competent person -- yourself.
You are right. I realised it many years later after being married. I used to not express myself openly with my mum in law because I didn't want to feel uncomfortable . I used be scared of her. But as I became more confident. I started saying what I feel bad about. The relationship started improving.
WOW! This video gave me a colossal “aha moment”! I love how she lays it all out in such a concise & apparent way. I guess I always brushed off setting good boundaries as just part of my people pleasing behaviors. That I’m just too nice to everyone & thus easily taken advantage of. But wow, when explained in this context it really opens your eyes to the root cause of why we do what we do. It definitely gives me more incentive to be upfront & authentic regardless of the discomfort it will cause.
I watched a video about Lions. It was a documentary. It showed their begaviours. It showed a clip where one lion tried to tease and play another lion. First The lion gave off The vibe «dont do that» The other lion does i again, then The lion rises up and really imprint his boundaries. The other Lions then walk away, with «message recieved» later the teasing lion was so respectful of the other lion. I loved it. Even animals know the importance of healthy boundaries.
Wow, amazing chart at 1:54. I've never perceived it like this... And I am happy I can set boundaries with some people, although I need to learn to do it with other people as well.
I remember a time when was in a shop with my two boys and my eldest really played up so I said he couldn't have anything and I stuck to it. The lady in the shop told him off too. I have been told I didn't set boundaries with my children, but I believe I'm getting better at it. I do with the people I live near and friends. In fact I was talking to a friend the other day who's housemate spends a lot of time of the phone chatting to women and doing things like not tidying up after making lunch. I told him about setting boundaries. The way I look at it is that's what you'll accept and what you won't. Though I do recognise that I was soft with the kids in the past and that wasn't right. Thank you for this video :)
People don’t react positively when you put boundaries. They criticize you for that. I believe deep down those who get offended they don’t have much respect for you. They think because you are nice you are a door mat. I have decided to set boundaries years ago and so far it’s working I am honest and selfish but it’s up to me to clearly choose what’s the best for me. I was not like that before and suffer a lot. People really abused you if you don’t stop them. Everyone should have a personal space and we all should respect that.
This was a perfect explanation. We can create walls or we can create healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries with toxic people is a must. They will walk all over if you don’t.
Thank you for this video, Emma. It is exactly what I needed today to talk to my manager at work tomorrow. I’ve watched many of your videos now, and am a loyal fan of yours. I wish I could see you in person just to give you a gratitude hug. You are an angel for sharing your passion for therapy online.
Thanks for sharing. It’s great food for thought. Part of the reason I have difficulty with saying no is that I don’t like feeling rejected, or like people don’t care about what I need or want, and I believe in the golden rule of doing unto others what I would have done to me, so I don’t like to make other people feel rejected by saying no to what they need or want. I will have to ponder my heart intentions in this practice because I do believe it does at least partially come from a dislike of feeling uncomfortable and having hard conversations.
I disagree. Its not usually selfish to avoid setting a needed boundary. Its more often fearful. Thats not the same thing as selfish. But I get ur point. Its actually better for everyone to uphold healthy boundaries. Its not simply a little bit of discomfort that the boundary avoider is up against. Its often deep trauma. I want survivors to understand this and not give them more ammunition to shoot themselves down for doing something else wrong.
I would be more aligned with a discussion of why its so hard to establish and uphold healthy boundaries, particularly with selfish controlling ppl. And how to think more rationally and dispel unworthiness in order to gain the skills needed to tackle boundary setting.
Who cares it’s about your well being, doesn’t matter trauma we all have trauma and that’s from the past. Now from love you are telling this person you don’t do that anymore, not explanation. It’s about you and your feeling, I changed myself and once I put the first boundary I was amazed that people respect me. I felt more secure and more confident. Just try you won’t regret it. It works. Do it from love and that’s it.
very clear explanation..we all tend to want please others and not realize we could be hurting them or ourselves by giving into their whims..which could rebound on both parties unfortunately
Thank you for sharing this. I have a hard time knowing what I want or need a lot of the time, but it’s good to keep in mind that I can still do my best to be clear, be brave, be considerate of others always
The opposite will happen. They will respect you more. When you don't set boundaries and stand up for yourself is when you will get bullied because they see a weakness. It's an unfortunate part of human nature.
Nah, when you set a boundary you become the enemy, although i guess it comes down to social skills, which people with boundary issues have been lacking. Its not like you will just set a boundary to bullies, they will take it AS a challenge, they dont care about youre feelings "feelings in the person are the weakness youre reffering to". And when you use their weapon you will be gaslighted.
@@terehommikust1718 With this advice you will get walked all over the rest of your life. Standing up for yourself and setting boundaries on the way others treat you is the only way for people to respect you.
Understanding that Chart actually helped a lot in comprehending the facilitating & inhibitory factors of Boundary setting. Thanks for your enriching short videos on Psychotherapy 🙏🙏
I was hit hard by these differences. Hope to watch this one again. Just signed up for the journaling course! Thank you very much! Your messages are great!
Great video. AND... boundaries are so much about us and our own limits and self care and I think those are the really tough ones to uphold. Would be wonderful to have a video that focuses more on setting boundaries that benefit US versus setting a boundary in service of the other person.
Great video! I identify as a soft "behavior" personality. Learning to say "no" is really important and not selfish at all in many cases. Thanks for sharing.
I like your video, it is quite well explained! I had two thoughts that came to mind, I'd like to share them as well : 1- I feel it is important to discern Hard-Loving "No"s from Manipulation. Some people will act out of Selfish intentions, but pretend they are doing it in your best interest, as though they know better what is best for you. 2- Maybe we do not always need to say No from a place of Love? In some cases, if a person has shown many times that they disregard your own well-being, it can be ok for a No to come from a place of Self-Love rather than Love for the other.
Honestly being selfish and harsh to me seems like the only thing to do against someone who's abusive and/or manipulative. So usually the reason one sets a boundary isn't because it's good for the other person but because it's good for themselves so a purely selfish thing to do but the right thing to do.
As a "Good Catholic Doormat".... dear gawd, I needed this! I am super-sensitive, but as a life-long consumer (victim?) of the US psychology/psychiatry system, I have learned so many hard lessons about appropriate boundaries. Too many of my "care providers" did not respect appropriate boundaries, and promised support to me (that fell outside of ethics and their employment agreements) that I desperately needed, but they did not follow through with. It hurt me so deeply, but I learned an important lesson. Those boundaries are there to protect the most vulnerable people! I now want to take what I've learned from my hellish experiences to help others like me. In business, the saying, "under promise and over deliver" is widely respected, but it is even more important in mental health! I sincerely hope many therapists are watching, and getting this!
Emma, thank you for these excellent and helpful messages. I am preparing a curriculum for "women who use violence" in their intimate relationships and it is helpful to have short messages which help segue into the group session. I really appreciate having you as a resource--and to be able to refer folks to see more of your messages as needed for other issues. You do a great job of communicating these concepts clearly.
I so appreciate Arbinger's work. It dramatically changed the way I see myself and see others. Seeing people as people and not objects is life-changing!
The concept of "hard" and "soft" are really helpful here. I see in schools sometimes how teachers who are often trying to be gentle and nice end up with a lot of conflict and unhappy students in their classes because they're afraid that setting important boundaries is mean or tyrannical. And then you see similar behaviour in classes where the teachers don't care about the students very much and haven't bothered setting those boundaries... It makes me think that boundaries can be a kindness, as they help people feel safe and calm. And if people love us, they want to know what *our* boundaries are so they don't overstep them and hurt us. I'm still working on my people-pleasing tendencies, but I realised that despite wanting to be kind I was giving attention to the people shouting loudest for it, not those who needed it most. Self-reflection is really helpful - as much as it is so often scary and I feel guilty at the time, I look back with fondness and pride to the times I've stood up for myself and what is *right*... It's clear that this is also the path ahead.
No, they care about their kid they just don’t have the time to deal with ADULTS that are disapproving of their parenthood because the kids are just being kids wanting something they can’t have. You can’t win. This video brings me so much clarity. Thankyou.
consistency and not feeling guilty ... and not allowing to be manipulated ... and accepting it is kinder to both parties to maintain the bounderies ... but sometimes it feels easier to give in ... but to give in creates and encourages maladaptive behavior and rewards this harmful behaviors ... i appreciate your explainations that go deeper ❤
Two of the places I’ve experienced where saying no seems to be a problem, is with dating and narcissists. I’m a woman and I’ve experienced that, when a man is told no and that you’re not interested in him, he can become angry. Now, I know no one likes rejection. I don’t like it either. It is more than just getting your feelings hurt and your ego bruised. You’ve likely spent at least minimal time becoming emotionally invested in a person, prior to expressing interest. If you’re rejected, your hopes are dashed, time wasted, and you have to start anew, even if that requires being single for a lot longer than you imagined. But, when I see a man becoming angry if I reject him, I start to feel that it’s possible that I’m being looked at two-dimensionally. That I’m looked at, more as a prize or acquisition, who’s wants and needs are not recognized by the suitor. That he may feel, even if subconsciously, that what does it matter if I’m happy, as long as he is, that he’ll make me happy or that I will learn to be happy. It is not considered what it would devolve into, if I were to be forced into a relationship I didn’t want to be a part of. It’s not considered that it would not turn out to be a loving relationship, nor how miserable it would get, for both concerned. Telling him no at the start heads off a world of trouble ahead. Narcissists hate no and they hate boundaries. Maybe for them, both are one and the same. They want to get into your life, often quite like breaking and entering, setup shop, take control. But, when you have good boundaries and tell them no, they do not like that one bit. I have left my narcissistic family. But, it was immediately followed by a possibly narcissistic neighbor. She felt she might come down with a hereditary illness and wanted me to start doing things for her. It seemed cold to her, to tell her no and it would to most people. But, I had just come out of dealing with my family, educated myself, saw a lot of red flags and lying by omission and the purpose of her getting me to do for her, was so she could continue not to do for herself, check out and watch TV all day. She even adopted a dog - for me to care for. None of this turned out as my boundaries are both firm and permanent. But, I gather that she feels that she is SUPPOSED to enter my life, at will. That saying no to someone who might be starting to show signs of illness, is the worst person you could be. That is, until you consider that she didn’t care about herself, until it began to become real for her. She watched TV all day, hadn’t worked since she moved in 4-5 years ago and I don’t think she bothered with long term care, because she may have felt that, as long as I live upstairs, long term care is both convenient, accessible and free. She would’ve taken down my life and I’d have been an accomplice. So, my answer was no. There will have to be people who will learn that, despite proximity, they are not here to save the world, at what will ultimately become their own expense. That they must look at the history of a person, who sat, did nothing and ended up where they are - so they can hurl their problems over the wall to you, as if you’re have no life. No was appropriate.
I think you be better off with your own family and nicely set boundaries instead of taking care of an unknown person. It makes no sense. I am sure your family loves you. Try to talk to them you seem smart and capable to get your point across from a love position.
Why do you have to state what they want, reframe it for them, or even argue/debate w a narcissist-or anyone (except if your lovingly trying to help someone-who-wants-help get at/figure out their root cause fears, anxieties, or unmet needs?). Why not know yourself, your needs, your expectations, and your boundaries? Then, state and hold firm (vividly as possible, but consistently) to your boundaries. Negotiate only on mutually-shared, relationship-rooted expectations. (Realizing that sometimes either some personal needs must either be met outside the relationship and/OR you may need to leave the relationship). Trying to argue about points of view, personal preferences, or even harder boundaries you (or they) have set firm... isn’t helpful: I love this quote from Carolyn Hax: “Any time you “argue about [anything] constantly,” then whatever problem you’re arguing about is now secondary to the main problem of refusing to accept reality. That is always, always, the relationship equivalent of an own goal.”
I don’t think it is harder with them. They just don’t care to respect the boundary. The hardest part of a boundary is what you have to do when they are crossed. It is like parenting. You have to follow through when you set a boundary. My mana used to say “this is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you” before she spanked me. It is the same here.
I will actually note in here for anyone who reads this that making boundaries for people who do deal with narcissistic tendencies or selfish attitudes is just different than with others. If you are forced to maintain a relationship with someone who does not respect your normal boundaries like a boss or a parent but you are expected to maintain a relationship with them it becomes less about how you SHOULD be treated and how your boundaries SHOULD be maintained and more about what is the CLOSEST compromise you can come between your mistreatment and that persons assumed behaviors. For example my mother is dying of cancer right now but disrespects me and stomps on my boundaries. Because I know she will not maintain boundaries I have set for myself but i would like to have a relationship with her before she dies it then becomes a game of what little can she do to help me feel better and want to continue to talk to her. So she does not call me my new name that i have had legally changed. If she is incapable of that it then becomes a conversation of getting her to simply stop using the old one and going for neutral terms to refer to me like child or son instead of either name. It is not a good situation but my therapist recently helped me come up with this so I thought I would share it. The thought process behind this is that asking narcissists who disrespect you to maintain to boundaries you know they can and will not is a losing battle for both of you. If you are asking them to do something you know they can not do and saying you will remove yourself if that is not respected when you know they will fail to respect it it becomes an ultimatum and is more about enforcing your control over them and trying to make them do what you perceive as right. It may actually be right and it may actually be moral what you're requesting of them but you knew going in they were incapable of meeting that standard. So instead of going into a lose lose proposal you should instead try to find the most maintainable compromise between that. BUT AGAIN that's only with people you NEED to be around. I don't think there's anything bad with not building relationships with people who disrespect you but life and social circles are messy and you have to be able to manage bad relationships and good ones in life.
Thank you so much for this video, and this series. I've not felt clear what setting boundaries even means before, but this is the first video I've seen that explains it so clearly and succinctly.
Wonderful lesson! Thanks so much. For one of the first times in my life I set a boundary with someone who I really wanted in my life. The person didn't take kindly to it and "set a counter boundary" to one-up mine. It hurts like hell and feels so uncomfortable and icky, but, again, for one of the first times in my life I'm allowing myself to feel all of the negative emotions of guilt, sadness, anger, rejection, doubt, longing and self-conciouness hoping that they all go soon and leave me a stronger, more confident person.
I think this is because people who are narcissistic whether in the moment or all the time, emotionally manipulate and cry a river and they guilt people to lower boundary and it’s conditioning - most adults who can’t hold boundaries had a parent who manipulated in order to get what they wanted and their kids carry the torch or are conditioned into caving and “feeling bad”. Mind games. All of our problems really are from people playing mind games.
Thank You so much for all the effort you put into the body of work you've made readily available. I just came across your channel an what I have watched has been so very helpful. Im in a long term residential program in the Bronx. Sigh I have an inordinate amount of time on my hands an I really need new skills desperately. Thanks again for the insight provided an your delivery is appreciated.
Great content! This is the first video I watch from your channel and I got a lot of valuable insight from it, so naturally I subscribed. Also, what a lovely voice you have! I could listen to you all day long, it's so calming! Looking forward to learn more from you. Kind regards from Brazil!
I’m going to second her recommendation about the books by the Arbinger Institute. “Leadership and Self-Deception” and “The Anatomy of Peace” are my favorites. I have them both on Audible, and have listened to each one multiple times.
Being selfish is the right thing to do, putting yourself first is the right thing to do. So making synonyms out of selfish and hateful is completely frustratingly wrong in my opinion
Perhaps the concept of "otherish" would be helpful here: we do not necessarily have to see looking out for ourselves versus looking out for others as opposite ends of the spectrum. For me, it was a wonderful aha-moment when I read Adam Grant's "Give and Take" a couple months ago. The book is basically about different reciprocity styles: giving, matching, taking. These may change by situation, but everyone tends to have a default mode. Another powerful take-away from that book for me is that givers tend to be at the same time the MOST successful and LEAST successful, and that this depends on whether we are capable of standing up for ourselves and setting boundaries. Those who are capable of setting boundaries are termed "otherish" and are successful, while givers who overextend themselves to their own detriment end up as pushovers and doormats. Anyhow, I might not be explaining things the best way, so I'd recommend reading the book :D
Daria Bolbot Webster defines selfish as: “concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself.” In other words, antisocial. In contrast, healthy self-interest prioritizes one’s own needs but also takes into account the needs of others.
I understand the frustration you feel because putting yourself first , aka self-love, is many a times confused for being selfish. And self-love is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Taking care of you is not selfish, it's a priority.
I was in the situation described, where i was replying i love you too, when really i was planning to leave that person. Did i respond with a lie because i was selfish? No! I responded with a lie because it was unsafe to tip this person off to my secret plan to leave.
This is he kind of stuff we should be teaching kids in 10th grade health class. My health class taught us some decent info but wayyyyy too much focus on mental illnesses like bipolar etc. Literally half the year was spent on these things. True mental health education appropriate for us would have been discussions like this. 👍
Thanks for the video! I’m a fan of Harriet Lerner, ever since a therapist introduced me to The Dance of Anger. But, my scientific/engineering side likes the breakdown and separation of ... Yes v No (boundaries stand in) and Love v Selfish. (A bit confused about your usage of “soft” and “hard”.) Thanks!
Setting boundaries with bosses and other people that hold power over us is the hardest thing. With work situations, we're stuck in a capitalist system where corporations expect people to be boundary-less wage slaves that submit to the corporations' every whim, and if you set boundaries with your employers you're likely to end up out of work. I'd love to see this addressed more robustly.
Excellent concepts that make sense! Thank you Emma🤗
No A
I’ve been conditioned from childhood to put my mothers needs before my own. I wasn’t allowed to have needs because it caused her stress. She has to have complete control of me in our relationship. Now I am setting boundaries with her and the shame and guilt is overwhelming.
Sending you strength and good wishes.
Something I'm going to try is, while I am alone, take slow, deep, relaxing breaths and just practice saying the word No.
I know that feeling! Working on something similar. Congrats on working on it and keep going!
Understand what you are dealing with. It must be possible to set boundaries to protect oneself from manipulative people, maybe someone chooses to call it selfish but so what.
Working on this ! Always putting others first before me.
Working on this too. Just realizing today that I don’t even have a sense of self. Selfhood as expressed in needs, wants, desires, preferences. Before I can set boundaries I need to know what I want, need, desire.
On the journey with ya all. All the best. We can heal :)
It's not about "feeling better" it's about "getting better at feeling". Wow!!!
I WAS a walking MAYBE, people could read my lack of self hood and keep pressuring me until l was so anxiety riddled l gave in. Manipulation was all around me. Then l would attack myself by overeating to self sooth my rage. Learn to roar, stay away from anyone you feel unsafe with until you build your self esteem and permission to be real, and NO is integrated into you. We are not responsible for others, your in charge of you only. Never put you second ever. That is sanity.
Exactly what I've been up to...roaring and taking time to reflect and rejuvenate. Spent my birthday, Xmas and now Valentine's alone this year and not even mad at it. Thanks for summing it up so well!
What do you find helps, eh? Have been in counselling for the last 1.5 years, learning about rituals and meditation a bit recently because I kinda want out of the whole prescription med general practitioner allopathic talk it out type thing. Seeking a new alternative path, you know? Crystals and meditation and lifestyle if that makes sense. 🏞️💕💜
I continue to say no a remind people of my boundries and limitations but I continue to get volunteered for things. I want my no be no
I'm sorry Grace. That sounds like it was hard and might still be challenging. I feel threads of the same pain for similar reasons, so my heart goes out. I support you morally! You can do this at your own rate, For your own journey! (Let me know if I can help.)
Grace Sanity me. Now I’m afraid of everybody though. In the past every time I stood up for myself, I got name called, claws came out, nice people turned into accusing monsters. Bringing me to feel I WAS domineering and controlling ect. I could never be HUMBLE ENOUGH.
7:24 onwards: “If someone’s mistreating you, is it really in their best interest that you don’t put your foot down? No. In general, the reason people don’t set boundaries is because they’re afraid of being mean, they’re afraid of feeling guilty, or they’re afraid of feeling scared. So the reason they’re not setting that boundary is not for the other person - they’re not trying to be kind to the other person. They’re trying to prevent themselves from feeling uncomfortable. It’s - it’s selfish.” An intriguing insight, Emma, which I’ve often missed in the past. Thank you for that!
Guilt is the obstacle usually
False guilt- belief that you're doing something "bad" if you're setting a boundary, when in reality it can be quite kind
I thought what I got from it was discomfort. The discomfort of standing up for the boundary in each situation is a major reason why some don't hold boundaries. I haven't watched many of these at all, but it sounds compartmentalized (albeit soothing.) I'm supposed to see beyond black and white thinking, yet these reactions are either coming from a love or hate place? This sounds black and white. Also I'm not sure if I buy hate, so much as fear being the driving factor in the selfish side of the column. I understand they are related, so perhaps that's just my bias. I can tell there's more to this than what's being covered in the video.
@@TherapyinaNutshell can you provide me therapy online??
Yup. Good ol' fashion unnecessary guilt that feels real.
They’re afraid nobody will like them, but are ok 👌 with nobody respecting them. 🤔
I was raised to think and feel that way. Shame was the tool. You find out who your real friends are! The FIRST time I said no to everyone of these Narcissistic people they were gone!!
Exactly...I sure wish I had learned to say no earlier so they would have disappeeared long before I put my whole heart out there to let them destroy! 12 years later....😧😮
MtnGirl & Bunny Now that we know, Think about it as a great skill that you learned! it’s a great test for new people! Keep your heart guarded in the meantime and then when they “test you” and you have a boundary, that’s when you’ll know! It helps to switch the way that you see them into little spoiled children when they start having a fit of some kind because I said No... it makes it a lot easier to just be a strong adult. Narcs HATE THAT! 😂
@@heatherlynn3438 Thank you!!
MtnGirl & Bunny I wonder why this just popped up now? 😂 Your Welcome! I hope you’re doing well during all of this!
The next step is how to keep the boundaries once they are set. Certain people don’t respect boundaries. This is a particularly difficult thing to manage when the trespasser is someone you need to deal with ie: parent, sibling, spouse rather than a colleague, friend or dating partner.
I think you’re correct.
See Dustin Willis’ reply to the comment about ...narcissists. He gives a touching and thoughtful example of being with his dying mother, trying to at least move the conversation focus to a neutral place. The idea that even trying to get a difficult or narcissistic person to agree to your viewpoint on your boundaries is a bit like you trying to control their opinions: it’s both boundary crossing in itself and pretty futile.
I don’t think so, if you don’t communicate your feelings how they are going to know. If you tell a love one I don’t like this or that don’t do it, that person because they love you they will stop. It’s up to us to put the fence don’t blame anyone. We just forgot how to have a loving conversation anymore, we don’t talk to each other.
@@mariapilarmethis is accurate and I think that there's a misunderstanding of the differences between core values, preferences add our personal lack of understanding of Our Own trauma or triggers. So for instance I was yelled at by my dad as a kid, so anybody yelling would freak me out. And I would say stop yelling at me! Well I can't control their behavior I had to learn how to control my reaction. Once I did that they stopped yelling because I didn't react to it or respond to it. And I would calmly say if you raise your voice to me I will have to leave this conversation. And then I would actually follow through by walking away if they started yelling at me and reminding them of that boundary. That's what it looks and sounds like when you said a healthy boundary. I could have spent the rest of my life cowering and crying and saying stop yelling at me and that would have provided me with no relief from these type of people. A lot of us confused core values with preferences. That's annoying today what you're doing, but tomorrow I might not mind so much. So there is that low-level respect where being present in the moment and respecting the moment is important. And making sure we're clearly communicating. Every time you do this it bothers me it's going to always bother me. I've done my work and it's just going to still bother me no matter what. So could you not do it? And if you keep doing it I'll have to leave the room. Some people think that if they tell somebody something once they'll just figure out that it's forever. But there are places where you cannot compromise like for me it's health and wellness and taking care of my body. I cannot compromise in that area my body and my health are the only thing I'll have left at the end of my life and if I don't take care of them now they won't be there for me later. So with my children I will not compromise in that area. And if someone crosses those boundaries they're immediately cut off. I give them one chance and that's it. I have kids with allergies and sensitivities to food you don't compromise on core values. You shut that person out.
I'm a massage therapist and in the beginning, I used to feel hesitant to tell people my cancellation policy when they set their first appointment -- like you said, it felt "mean" or harsh. Then I realized, the first appointment is the one that they are most likely to cancel or no-show! And that telling them my policy AFTER they cancelled or didn't show, was actually the mean thing to do. How were they supposed to respect my policy if I hadn't told them what it was? So that's how I got over that boundary feeling "mean." I just was giving them all the information they needed, right up front.
The biggest issue is boundaries but as always toxic people will conflate, confuse, and victimize.
Remember this, ✨we are the gatekeepers of our lives… We should put some serious consideration into who can come in… And who needs to be let out. 😉😊👍🏻
... needs to be let out...
Or thrown out!
haha
Nicely put !
Oh my gosh, that should be my mantra. Wise words, thank you.
I have always struggled with setting good boundaries. I liked your point that where is it coming from, and not setting proper boundaries is a selfish thing.
Thanks Jon!
I had a hard time with the word 'selfish' but it makes sense from a deeper and profound healing perspective. Taking things personally is a long-standing habit that goes back generations in my family. Needing to explore this more tonight. Thanks for the inspiring comment.
You're the mother many people don't have, but everyone deserves.
It finally makes sense why my narcissistic mother was nice from time to time. It's because she wasn't, she just was soft-selfish, which I misinterpreted as being nice. What a revelation
Most people take advantage of our kindness so we must have boundaries. 🙏
So to stopped them you are going to tell them you are nice but this is the line. It’s not up to them it’s up to you to care for yourself. You will feel very good once you put the first boundary, wow I did it and nothing happened.
I used to not saying no and told myself that I don’t wanna make them sad or feel bad.
After watching this clip, now I know that it’s partly bc I don’t wanna face the discomfort myself too.
Wow.. Thank you so much !!!
I don't know that people always feel your intentions. I think the important part is you are clear and know your intention. Thank you for this - very helpful.
Yes! I just set a boundary with someone, not hoping to cut off all communication but just to not socialize beyond what is required of us. They didn't realize that I still wanted to be in relationship with them or, because I had the audacity to set a boundary with them, they decided to kick it up a notch and reduce our interactions to just the greeting of the day, if so much. I know it was a retaliation out of hurt and embarrassment, but if the person had really seen my heart they wouldn't have had such a drastic response to my boundary.
My struggle is setting boundaries when I carry resentment and anger towards that person. It’s really difficult to be kind about it and I know that just creates more tension.
Yes, I hear you, I sturggle with that too.
Just wait until you are not mad again and try to calmly talk and make your point. Once you put the boundary you will feel good about yourself. The point it’s you and what you want not if they feel comfortable or not. I think for not selfish people it’s hard to become selfish but it up to you to take care of you. I was like you years ago but I changed I put boundaries and people respect them. You will be surprised of yourself you can do it.
Set the boundary and make your position clear so the other person knows.
You must set boundaries with toxic people… 😳 The word NO...Can be very empowering to you.💪🏻
You have a nice, soothing voice and the information in the video was helpful.
Thanks!
"Remember, the way we get healthier is not just about feeling better, it is about getting better at feeling." Wonderfully worded! I've never taken into account my motivation for setting a boundary before but this realization has made a lot of sense to me. Thanks so much for this video, it is so very helpful!!
This video demonstrates clear thinking from a healthy perspective. First, establish a healthy point of view and don't let yourself be manipulated based on your need for approval or a misguided sense of heroism. Make a decision based on your own needs and wants and stick to it. You have a right to representation by a competent person -- yourself.
You are right. I realised it many years later after being married. I used to not express myself openly with my mum in law because I didn't want to feel uncomfortable . I used be scared of her. But as I became more confident. I started saying what I feel bad about. The relationship started improving.
WOW! This video gave me a colossal “aha moment”! I love how she lays it all out in such a concise & apparent way. I guess I always brushed off setting good boundaries as just part of my people pleasing behaviors. That I’m just too nice to everyone & thus easily taken advantage of. But wow, when explained in this context it really opens your eyes to the root cause of why we do what we do. It definitely gives me more incentive to be upfront & authentic regardless of the discomfort it will cause.
I watched a video about Lions. It was a documentary. It showed their begaviours. It showed a clip where one lion tried to tease and play another lion. First The lion gave off The vibe «dont do that» The other lion does i again, then The lion rises up and really imprint his boundaries. The other Lions then walk away, with «message recieved» later the teasing lion was so respectful of the other lion. I loved it. Even animals know the importance of healthy boundaries.
Having boundaries mean not giving a shit about what doesn’t serve you, know what you want and need
I love straight shooting people- direct communication of ones needs and wants - and a willingness to learn, grow and compromise.
Wow, amazing chart at 1:54. I've never perceived it like this... And I am happy I can set boundaries with some people, although I need to learn to do it with other people as well.
Getting better at feeling (discomforts),not only feeling better 💯💯
Boundaries are critical to healthy relationships. Have clarity about right and wrong. True kindness can include long term considerations.
I remember a time when was in a shop with my two boys and my eldest really played up so I said he couldn't have anything and I stuck to it. The lady in the shop told him off too. I have been told I didn't set boundaries with my children, but I believe I'm getting better at it. I do with the people I live near and friends. In fact I was talking to a friend the other day who's housemate spends a lot of time of the phone chatting to women and doing things like not tidying up after making lunch. I told him about setting boundaries. The way I look at it is that's what you'll accept and what you won't. Though I do recognise that I was soft with the kids in the past and that wasn't right. Thank you for this video :)
People don’t react positively when you put boundaries. They criticize you for that. I believe deep down those who get offended they don’t have much respect for you. They think because you are nice you are a door mat. I have decided to set boundaries years ago and so far it’s working I am honest and selfish but it’s up to me to clearly choose what’s the best for me. I was not like that before and suffer a lot. People really abused you if you don’t stop them. Everyone should have a personal space and we all should respect that.
Saying no to someone else is saying yes to yourself
This was a perfect explanation. We can create walls or we can create healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries with toxic people is a must. They will walk all over if you don’t.
Wow... I really appreciate you saying: it's not only to feel better but to GET BETTER AT FEELING!!! word of WISDOM...✨💖✨
Thank you for this video, Emma. It is exactly what I needed today to talk to my manager at work tomorrow. I’ve watched many of your videos now, and am a loyal fan of yours. I wish I could see you in person just to give you a gratitude hug. You are an angel for sharing your passion for therapy online.
Thanks for sharing. It’s great food for thought. Part of the reason I have difficulty with saying no is that I don’t like feeling rejected, or like people don’t care about what I need or want, and I believe in the golden rule of doing unto others what I would have done to me, so I don’t like to make other people feel rejected by saying no to what they need or want.
I will have to ponder my heart intentions in this practice because I do believe it does at least partially come from a dislike of feeling uncomfortable and having hard conversations.
I loved this insight about being healthier is not about feeling better, but getting better at feeling
I disagree. Its not usually selfish to avoid setting a needed boundary. Its more often fearful. Thats not the same thing as selfish. But I get ur point. Its actually better for everyone to uphold healthy boundaries. Its not simply a little bit of discomfort that the boundary avoider is up against. Its often deep trauma. I want survivors to understand this and not give them more ammunition to shoot themselves down for doing something else wrong.
I would be more aligned with a discussion of why its so hard to establish and uphold healthy boundaries, particularly with selfish controlling ppl. And how to think more rationally and dispel unworthiness in order to gain the skills needed to tackle boundary setting.
Who cares it’s about your well being, doesn’t matter trauma we all have trauma and that’s from the past. Now from love you are telling this person you don’t do that anymore, not explanation. It’s about you and your feeling, I changed myself and once I put the first boundary I was amazed that people respect me. I felt more secure and more confident. Just try you won’t regret it. It works. Do it from love and that’s it.
SELF-CONTROL SELF-RESPECT. SELF-PRESERVATION. Self-Esteem. Self CARE. SELF- PROTECTION BOUNDARIES IS VITAL. To prevent REGRETS. 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍😘
very clear explanation..we all tend to want please others and not realize we could be hurting them or ourselves by giving into their whims..which could rebound on both parties unfortunately
I really adore your voice. I find it so comforting
I'm glad I discovered your TH-cam channel a week ago. I've been going through a few videos per day, and everything is very helpful. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing this. I have a hard time knowing what I want or need a lot of the time, but it’s good to keep in mind that I can still do my best to be clear, be brave, be considerate of others always
The psychologist Terri Cole says: We can set healthy boundaries with ease and grace.
Im afraid of being bullied or physically attacked if I set boundaries
I feel the same lt's so scary
The opposite will happen. They will respect you more. When you don't set boundaries and stand up for yourself is when you will get bullied because they see a weakness. It's an unfortunate part of human nature.
Nah, when you set a boundary you become the enemy, although i guess it comes down to social skills, which people with boundary issues have been lacking. Its not like you will just set a boundary to bullies, they will take it AS a challenge, they dont care about youre feelings "feelings in the person are the weakness youre reffering to". And when you use their weapon you will be gaslighted.
Tere Hommikust with a normal person NO, with a narcissist yes that Will happen!
@@terehommikust1718 With this advice you will get walked all over the rest of your life. Standing up for yourself and setting boundaries on the way others treat you is the only way for people to respect you.
Understanding that Chart actually helped a lot in comprehending the facilitating & inhibitory factors of Boundary setting. Thanks for your enriching short videos on Psychotherapy 🙏🙏
I was hit hard by these differences. Hope to watch this one again. Just signed up for the journaling course! Thank you very much! Your messages are great!
Great video. AND... boundaries are so much about us and our own limits and self care and I think those are the really tough ones to uphold. Would be wonderful to have a video that focuses more on setting boundaries that benefit US versus setting a boundary in service of the other person.
Great video! I identify as a soft "behavior" personality. Learning to say "no" is really important and not selfish at all in many cases. Thanks for sharing.
I like your video, it is quite well explained! I had two thoughts that came to mind, I'd like to share them as well :
1- I feel it is important to discern Hard-Loving "No"s from Manipulation. Some people will act out of Selfish intentions, but pretend they are doing it in your best interest, as though they know better what is best for you.
2- Maybe we do not always need to say No from a place of Love? In some cases, if a person has shown many times that they disregard your own well-being, it can be ok for a No to come from a place of Self-Love rather than Love for the other.
This is the best presentation for boundaries.
You really convinced me
Thank you Emma!
Thanks!
Honestly being selfish and harsh to me seems like the only thing to do against someone who's abusive and/or manipulative. So usually the reason one sets a boundary isn't because it's good for the other person but because it's good for themselves so a purely selfish thing to do but the right thing to do.
As a "Good Catholic Doormat".... dear gawd, I needed this!
I am super-sensitive, but as a life-long consumer (victim?) of the US psychology/psychiatry system, I have learned so many hard lessons about appropriate boundaries. Too many of my "care providers" did not respect appropriate boundaries, and promised support to me (that fell outside of ethics and their employment agreements) that I desperately needed, but they did not follow through with. It hurt me so deeply, but I learned an important lesson. Those boundaries are there to protect the most vulnerable people! I now want to take what I've learned from my hellish experiences to help others like me. In business, the saying, "under promise and over deliver" is widely respected, but it is even more important in mental health! I sincerely hope many therapists are watching, and getting this!
Emma, thank you for these excellent and helpful messages. I am preparing a curriculum for "women who use violence" in their intimate relationships and it is helpful to have short messages which help segue into the group session. I really appreciate having you as a resource--and to be able to refer folks to see more of your messages as needed for other issues. You do a great job of communicating these concepts clearly.
I so appreciate Arbinger's work. It dramatically changed the way I see myself and see others. Seeing people as people and not objects is life-changing!
Omg I'm so glad I found you! Thank you thank you thank you 💖 I can't wait to put these principles into practice
Omg more people should know about ‘soft-selfish’. Really good info!
The concept of "hard" and "soft" are really helpful here. I see in schools sometimes how teachers who are often trying to be gentle and nice end up with a lot of conflict and unhappy students in their classes because they're afraid that setting important boundaries is mean or tyrannical. And then you see similar behaviour in classes where the teachers don't care about the students very much and haven't bothered setting those boundaries... It makes me think that boundaries can be a kindness, as they help people feel safe and calm.
And if people love us, they want to know what *our* boundaries are so they don't overstep them and hurt us.
I'm still working on my people-pleasing tendencies, but I realised that despite wanting to be kind I was giving attention to the people shouting loudest for it, not those who needed it most.
Self-reflection is really helpful - as much as it is so often scary and I feel guilty at the time, I look back with fondness and pride to the times I've stood up for myself and what is *right*... It's clear that this is also the path ahead.
No, they care about their kid they just don’t have the time to deal with ADULTS that are disapproving of their parenthood because the kids are just being kids wanting something they can’t have. You can’t win. This video brings me so much clarity. Thankyou.
I'm a teacher showing this to my students! Thank you!
consistency and not feeling guilty ... and not allowing to be manipulated ... and accepting it is kinder to both parties to maintain the bounderies ... but sometimes it feels easier to give in ... but to give in creates and encourages maladaptive behavior and rewards this harmful behaviors ... i appreciate your explainations that go deeper ❤
Has to be the best video on behaviour. Doesn't ramble, focused, flow chart very useful.
Two of the places I’ve experienced where saying no seems to be a problem, is with dating and narcissists.
I’m a woman and I’ve experienced that, when a man is told no and that you’re not interested in him, he can become angry. Now, I know no one likes rejection. I don’t like it either. It is more than just getting your feelings hurt and your ego bruised. You’ve likely spent at least minimal time becoming emotionally invested in a person, prior to expressing interest. If you’re rejected, your hopes are dashed, time wasted, and you have to start anew, even if that requires being single for a lot longer than you imagined. But, when I see a man becoming angry if I reject him, I start to feel that it’s possible that I’m being looked at two-dimensionally. That I’m looked at, more as a prize or acquisition, who’s wants and needs are not recognized by the suitor. That he may feel, even if subconsciously, that what does it matter if I’m happy, as long as he is, that he’ll make me happy or that I will learn to be happy. It is not considered what it would devolve into, if I were to be forced into a relationship I didn’t want to be a part of. It’s not considered that it would not turn out to be a loving relationship, nor how miserable it would get, for both concerned. Telling him no at the start heads off a world of trouble ahead.
Narcissists hate no and they hate boundaries. Maybe for them, both are one and the same. They want to get into your life, often quite like breaking and entering, setup shop, take control. But, when you have good boundaries and tell them no, they do not like that one bit.
I have left my narcissistic family. But, it was immediately followed by a possibly narcissistic neighbor. She felt she might come down with a hereditary illness and wanted me to start doing things for her. It seemed cold to her, to tell her no and it would to most people. But, I had just come out of dealing with my family, educated myself, saw a lot of red flags and lying by omission and the purpose of her getting me to do for her, was so she could continue not to do for herself, check out and watch TV all day. She even adopted a dog - for me to care for. None of this turned out as my boundaries are both firm and permanent. But, I gather that she feels that she is SUPPOSED to enter my life, at will. That saying no to someone who might be starting to show signs of illness, is the worst person you could be. That is, until you consider that she didn’t care about herself, until it began to become real for her. She watched TV all day, hadn’t worked since she moved in 4-5 years ago and I don’t think she bothered with long term care, because she may have felt that, as long as I live upstairs, long term care is both convenient, accessible and free. She would’ve taken down my life and I’d have been an accomplice. So, my answer was no.
There will have to be people who will learn that, despite proximity, they are not here to save the world, at what will ultimately become their own expense. That they must look at the history of a person, who sat, did nothing and ended up where they are - so they can hurl their problems over the wall to you, as if you’re have no life. No was appropriate.
I think you be better off with your own family and nicely set boundaries instead of taking care of an unknown person. It makes no sense. I am sure your family loves you. Try to talk to them you seem smart and capable to get your point across from a love position.
Thans you for opening my eye about something that is been the most stresfull and difficult thing in my daily life.
I have learned from this lesson. Thank you teaching us. appropriate and healthy boundaries are always respected. God bless you.
Setting boundaries works well except when you’re dealing with narcissists
Why do you have to state what they want, reframe it for them, or even argue/debate w a narcissist-or anyone (except if your lovingly trying to help someone-who-wants-help get at/figure out their root cause fears, anxieties, or unmet needs?).
Why not know yourself, your needs, your expectations, and your boundaries? Then, state and hold firm (vividly as possible, but consistently) to your boundaries.
Negotiate only on mutually-shared, relationship-rooted expectations. (Realizing that sometimes either some personal needs must either be met outside the relationship and/OR you may need to leave the relationship).
Trying to argue about points of view, personal preferences, or even harder boundaries you (or they) have set firm... isn’t helpful: I love this quote from Carolyn Hax: “Any time you “argue about [anything] constantly,” then whatever problem you’re arguing about is now secondary to the main problem of refusing to accept reality. That is always, always, the relationship equivalent of an own goal.”
Facts
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
I don’t think it is harder with them. They just don’t care to respect the boundary. The hardest part of a boundary is what you have to do when they are crossed. It is like parenting. You have to follow through when you set a boundary. My mana used to say “this is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you” before she spanked me. It is the same here.
I will actually note in here for anyone who reads this that making boundaries for people who do deal with narcissistic tendencies or selfish attitudes is just different than with others. If you are forced to maintain a relationship with someone who does not respect your normal boundaries like a boss or a parent but you are expected to maintain a relationship with them it becomes less about how you SHOULD be treated and how your boundaries SHOULD be maintained and more about what is the CLOSEST compromise you can come between your mistreatment and that persons assumed behaviors.
For example my mother is dying of cancer right now but disrespects me and stomps on my boundaries. Because I know she will not maintain boundaries I have set for myself but i would like to have a relationship with her before she dies it then becomes a game of what little can she do to help me feel better and want to continue to talk to her. So she does not call me my new name that i have had legally changed. If she is incapable of that it then becomes a conversation of getting her to simply stop using the old one and going for neutral terms to refer to me like child or son instead of either name. It is not a good situation but my therapist recently helped me come up with this so I thought I would share it.
The thought process behind this is that asking narcissists who disrespect you to maintain to boundaries you know they can and will not is a losing battle for both of you. If you are asking them to do something you know they can not do and saying you will remove yourself if that is not respected when you know they will fail to respect it it becomes an ultimatum and is more about enforcing your control over them and trying to make them do what you perceive as right. It may actually be right and it may actually be moral what you're requesting of them but you knew going in they were incapable of meeting that standard. So instead of going into a lose lose proposal you should instead try to find the most maintainable compromise between that.
BUT AGAIN that's only with people you NEED to be around. I don't think there's anything bad with not building relationships with people who disrespect you but life and social circles are messy and you have to be able to manage bad relationships and good ones in life.
Thank you so much for this video, and this series. I've not felt clear what setting boundaries even means before, but this is the first video I've seen that explains it so clearly and succinctly.
Wonderful lesson! Thanks so much. For one of the first times in my life I set a boundary with someone who I really wanted in my life. The person didn't take kindly to it and "set a counter boundary" to one-up mine. It hurts like hell and feels so uncomfortable and icky, but, again, for one of the first times in my life I'm allowing myself to feel all of the negative emotions of guilt, sadness, anger, rejection, doubt, longing and self-conciouness hoping that they all go soon and leave me a stronger, more confident person.
I love this video. She explained it so well.
Thank you, it is really an eye opener. It is time to stop being a ‘pleaser’
I think this is because people who are narcissistic whether in the moment or all the time, emotionally manipulate and cry a river and they guilt people to lower boundary and it’s conditioning - most adults who can’t hold boundaries had a parent who manipulated in order to get what they wanted and their kids carry the torch or are conditioned into caving and “feeling bad”. Mind games. All of our problems really are from people playing mind games.
This channel is really useful and underrated
Thank You so much for all the effort you put into the body of work you've made readily available. I just came across your channel an what I have watched has been so very helpful. Im in a long term residential program in the Bronx. Sigh I have an inordinate amount of time on my hands an I really need new skills desperately. Thanks again for the insight provided an your delivery is appreciated.
This was a very insightful video. I have to work on the way I handle my feelings instead of doing unnecessary things to avoid them.
Great content! This is the first video I watch from your channel and I got a lot of valuable insight from it, so naturally I subscribed.
Also, what a lovely voice you have! I could listen to you all day long, it's so calming!
Looking forward to learn more from you.
Kind regards from Brazil!
Excellent video! So helpful.
Appreciate both the concepts shared, and the calm, clear presentation style.
Thank you so much! It made me think of the parable in Matthew 21:28-32. It never really made any sense to me, up until now. So God bless you!
Wonderful video. I’m from a family of manipulators so these skills are so essential.
I’m going to second her recommendation about the books by the Arbinger Institute. “Leadership and Self-Deception” and “The Anatomy of Peace” are my favorites. I have them both on Audible, and have listened to each one multiple times.
I absolutely loved and enjoyed this video. It was informative and well delivered. Thank you.
Being selfish is the right thing to do, putting yourself first is the right thing to do. So making synonyms out of selfish and hateful is completely frustratingly wrong in my opinion
Yes!!
IMHO Selfish shouldn’t have been equated with Hateful!
Perhaps the concept of "otherish" would be helpful here: we do not necessarily have to see looking out for ourselves versus looking out for others as opposite ends of the spectrum. For me, it was a wonderful aha-moment when I read Adam Grant's "Give and Take" a couple months ago. The book is basically about different reciprocity styles: giving, matching, taking. These may change by situation, but everyone tends to have a default mode.
Another powerful take-away from that book for me is that givers tend to be at the same time the MOST successful and LEAST successful, and that this depends on whether we are capable of standing up for ourselves and setting boundaries. Those who are capable of setting boundaries are termed "otherish" and are successful, while givers who overextend themselves to their own detriment end up as pushovers and doormats. Anyhow, I might not be explaining things the best way, so I'd recommend reading the book :D
Daria Bolbot Webster defines selfish as: “concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself.” In other words, antisocial. In contrast, healthy self-interest prioritizes one’s own needs but also takes into account the needs of others.
I understand the frustration you feel because putting yourself first , aka self-love, is many a times confused for being selfish. And self-love is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Taking care of you is not selfish, it's a priority.
Thank you this really helped me to understand !! So glad I found you. !
Exactly right on spot with what's stopping me. Thanks a lot !!!
I really like the second half where you explain it with more detail. Really good, really helpful. Thank you so much.
Your teaching is so CLEAR 💖
You have a calming and beautiful Voice :)
I was in the situation described, where i was replying i love you too, when really i was planning to leave that person. Did i respond with a lie because i was selfish? No! I responded with a lie because it was unsafe to tip this person off to my secret plan to leave.
This is he kind of stuff we should be teaching kids in 10th grade health class. My health class taught us some decent info but wayyyyy too much focus on mental illnesses like bipolar etc. Literally half the year was spent on these things. True mental health education appropriate for us would have been discussions like this. 👍
Boundaries aren’t mean. Being mean is not respecting boundaries.
Thanks for the video!
I’m a fan of Harriet Lerner, ever since a therapist introduced me to The Dance of Anger.
But, my scientific/engineering side likes the breakdown and separation of ... Yes v No (boundaries stand in) and Love v Selfish. (A bit confused about your usage of “soft” and “hard”.)
Thanks!
Hearts : FEELINGS. OPINIONS. STANDARDS. VALUES. HEARTS: SOULS.
Heart CORE 🔑🔑🔑🔑S
Emotions. Senses. .
Thoughts & ideas. Hopes. Dreams. Goals. Have dones : ACHIEVEMENTS
HEART OF MATTERS. 💛💛💖
The kindest word you can say is often no, they need to hear it and you need to say it!
Thank you very much. It's easy to understand and inspiring and helpful!! 💕
Thanks for sharing content about mental well being
Setting boundaries with bosses and other people that hold power over us is the hardest thing. With work situations, we're stuck in a capitalist system where corporations expect people to be boundary-less wage slaves that submit to the corporations' every whim, and if you set boundaries with your employers you're likely to end up out of work. I'd love to see this addressed more robustly.
I love your videos . Great advice as always . Thank you ❤️
Hello Christina Dixon here checking in .
It’s hard to set boundaries with a narc. There’s often a price to pay whether it’s verbally or emotionally punishment. 😖