If a foster child doesn't want to return home or reunify with thier parents
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 17 ต.ค. 2024
- Talking through some considerations if a foster child expresses that they don't want to return home to their bio parent.
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As someone who was returned to an abusive home- and put BACK in foster care several months later with MORE injuries- it is absolute BS that kids get so little say in whether or not they are reunified. A child who is afraid to return home based on past treatment should NEVER be made to. The fact that foster care focuses so strongly on reunification under almost ALL circumstances is disgusting tbh. It should NOT be the automatic default in cases of real abuse or serious neglect.
I absolutely agree. My little sister was in three homes before coming to us at only nine months old.
We fostered her with intention to adopt (she's related to us, my parents are not frequent fosters) and she's doing well now at nine years old, but it was a STRUGGLE at first.
She almost died on the streets of Seattle as an infant, despite the warnings given to CPS. She would not be alive today if her dad decided to show up to visitations. It's not the fault of the foster parents, many (not all) of them are wonderful, warm people. The system behind these decisions is antiquated. Kids need to have their voices heard. I'm so sorry you went through what you went through and I'm happy you are still here to share that experience. People have to know that there's a problem.
I could not agree more!! 👏🏻
I think that any of this should be about the kids best interest.
Not the parents, not the fosters, not the state.
Kid's best interest, period!
Agreed! It just seems like such a total dismissal of the child's feelings and boundaries to force them back into such a "home". Kids aren't stupid and being able to have that control about going or not going back into a dangerous situation is huge. Maybe the parents have got their act together, great, but the child isn't ready yet, and thrusting them back in completely invalidates their feelings and sense of safety. All it teaches them is that their voice doesn't matter, and they have no control over their lives, and weather they are continually abused isn't up to them, but up to if the abuser feels like hurting them again or not. They aren't able to set healthy boundaries and say no to being in bad situations.
As someone who grew up in an abusive home, I totally agree. Though never removed and put into foster care, I always wished the abuser would be removed. It is a shame the children do not a voice. They need to be heard.
If a child is genuinely scared to go home, why force them? Even if the bio parents have got their act together, the child may not be ready to cope with returning to a situation where they were formerly neglected or abused. Kids deserve a say in what happens to them!
Because it's cheaper for them if the child is back at home. They don't have to pay a foster parent anymore. Disgusting, I know.
Exactly!!! I feel like, if bio families screwed up so bad that their kids got taken away, you had your chance, that’s it. Why should they get multiple chances at the expense of a child? And put back in a potentially dangerous situation. Bio families can from outward appearances, look like they got it together but once back home things could revert to a dangerous situation again and no one would know. I know that my opinion may be unpopular, and would be why I could never be a foster parent, but wouldn’t a stable foster home for a child be more important than the bio family getting what they want? Feel free to chime in with other perspectives. I definitely would like to hear other factors that come into play that I may not know about.
Neglect is abuse
@@surlywithfabshoesThe issue is, foster families can also be abusive, and bio families are sometimes falsely accused of abuse and CPS takes ages to investigate.
I believe reunification can be highly beneficial, but it should be a case-by-case basis. It's ultimately up to the courts and CPS, meaning the whole system needs an overhaul to better care for kids.
From my experience (current foster youth who does not want to reunify with bio parents) older kids especially, will not be forced to reunify if they do not want to. If they understand their situation and their past, they are allowed to make that choice for themselves and the permanency goal can be changed. This is even if their parents are meeting all the requirements for reunification. I have no idea what it’s like for younger kids but me and my brother are in care as teenagers and this is our experience.
Interesting. I imagine it varies in different countries how much say the kids get.
Young children are often too scared to tell details about why they do not want to return. So they are just screwed.
In germany children above 12 get a say in where they want to live, but younger ones often dont
@@alyssawalker1900 And young children have such a strong instinct to bond with whoever raises them that they may even beg to go back even if they are being abused.
@@alyssawalker1900 Also, younger kids may not realize what is happening is abuse if it’s all they see and know.
A horrible unification case happened in Sweden 2020. A few week old baby girl named Esmeralda was born addicted, so she was fostered in the same family for three years, they were the only family she knew. She thrived & was loved. ❤
Then the addict & violent bio-parents wanted her back & the court ruled in their favour, even though they weren’t sober. She started regressing massively after those transitional visits. How do you explain to a three year old that she can’t stay with mom & sisters?
Once they got full custody she was murdered & left for days under a toddler bed. She was extremely malnourished, had 102 wounds & broken bones, missing hair as well as drugs in her system. The coroner also said it was a slow death up to 12 hours. How can so many people fail to protect children? HOW can the parents wants be more important than a child’s needs?
Omg that’s terrible!
😭😭😭
Yet y’all don’t punish criminals enough there. Disgusting.
@@magnarcreed3801 cuz they have a justice system not a pumishment system... justice is substantial change in a perpetrators behaviour most times. They affectively achieve that almost every time.
@@Skulls69
Lmao but that doesn’t bring back those they killed and in this fine case allows them to hurt others again. Their life isn’t worth it.
Makes me so sad to see kids returned to a home they don’t feel safe in or just in general don’t want to be in. Children should have somewhat of a say in their lives. Maybe not every case applies but if a child doesn’t want reunification maybe just maybe we should take some of that into account. Obviously that isn’t the foster parent’s responsibility or their place to intervene but their perspective should be taken into consideration
In Indiana kids attend court hearings at age 14+. Younger kids sometimes attend based on maturity.. They can always write a letter to the Judge prior to the hearing. The CASA and/or Guardian ad Litem is also supposed to be their voice. DCS caseworker should also have all of this in their court report. Always get therapists and other professionals to put their prognosis in writing and add it to court report. Judges weigh the words of a therapist over a lay person's opinion. So thankful for good foster parents!
Laura puts it very well that the best thing a foster parent can do is to ensure the people who do have the legal responsibility to determine the best place for the child have as much information as the child is willing to share. It makes sense that a child would be far more forthcoming to a good foster parent than their legal advocates, after all, and supporting the child in expressing their concerns and desires to those legal advocates is well within their responsibility both from a legal perspective and also just as a trusted adult to a vulnerable child.
This I think is one of the scariest parts for me. The idea of letting go a child who is begging not to be returned.
Knew someone who had this happen and was heartbroken to learn the little girl received brain damage from abuse just a few months later. 😕
Kids often aren’t taken seriously enough by the people in charge.
I’m much more afraid of issues with parents or the state than I am with issues with the kids.
Reunification shouldn’t always be the goal. The goal should be what’s best for the child, that’s not always being put back with their parents. Some of those parents should never see their children again as long as they live.
We are foster parents and are currently in a situation where our 4 year old foster child has to go back to a father that she is terrified of. Listening to her cry and us voicing our converns and nobody listens is the hardest thing I've ever been through. . I just wish they cared about the kids more than the biological parents.
While some parents should be reunited, I believe many don't deserve it. Those poor kids are put back in with their parents only to be hurt and traumatized more. While there are great people who foster, I believe that the system is wrecked.
I wasn’t in the system proper, but my grandparents became temporary foster parents while the adoption was going through (my grandpa worked with his hands his whole life and wore off his fingerprints 😂). I am SO glad I was never reunified with my parents. I still talk to them and see them, but as much as I wished they’d take me back when I was a kid, as an adult I’m glad I stayed away from there.
@@eileensnow6153 can I ask what kind of abuse it was?
@@YeshuaKingMessiah Mostly psychological/emotional, but it sometimes coincided with “spankings” that incorporated tools (my dad hit me with a wire-bristled brush used to clean off the grill)
It's not even about what the parents deserve. That's the problem. Maybe the parents deserve a chance to try again but. What about what these kids deserve? I think sure in some cases they deserve to be reunited with their loving parents who figured out how to become parents who could properly care for them and were working so hard to get them back. They deserve the best possible temporary home and then deserve to be back with their parents. But what about in all the other cases? If a kid doesn't want to be with their parents, and prefers the foster parent, after at least a month or more with the new foster caregiver... I don't care what age they are, these kids' deserve to not be put back into a situation that is further traumatizing them. Maybe they deserve guaranteed visits with these parents for their entire childhood or something else but it just feels like what the kid "deserves" should always trump what the parents deserve.
@@VioletEmerald I think they do take into account the kid's wishes somewhat with older kids... But I guess it can be tricky too, especially with younger kids, because they may not really understand enough to know what would actually make them happy. And you'd also have to worry then about whether the foster parents had tried to convince the kids... I think the kids should be included in some of the conversations but I kind of understand why they don't leave it entirely up to the kid.
I just wish I'd known someone like you when I was a kid. I'm an old woman now, and I still find myself wanting a mom. I had one, of course, and I loved her, but she wasn't able to love me. It will always hurt.
Oh honey 💛 you have a heavenly father and mother who love you so much more then words can express. I always found myself wishing my dad loved me - when I realized I had heavenly parents and connected with that love that was present before I was born it was such a healing moment for me. Not trying to minimize your feelings - they are so real and I'm sorry for your hurt. 💛 Just sharing something that's been super helpful for me because I can relate. Much love and best of luck on your journey - you are a precious child of God and deserve to be loved - I'm sad that your mom missed that wonderful opportunity.
@@yellowyosh470 Spouting religious nonsense is not a helpful response.
@@yellowyosh470 Are you a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints? I am and these were exactly my thoughts regarding Heavenly Parents. I don't know if other Christian denominations discuss Heavenly Mother. We acknowledge her existence but out of respect, we do not pray to her.
💓
Same here. I can't fathom what it would be like to have a mom.
I wish I knew more when I was in foster care. It has colored my life, negatively. My parent was unable to manage with us three kids in the late 60's. I'd of liked to be adopted.
Sadly, adoption doesn’t always solve it either. I was adopted in the 60’s and if there were mandated reporters then I would have been in foster care. It’s so sad what happens to kids when they have no choices.
I have a lot of respect for your viewpoints and the work you do. I think this video though for me tells me I couldn’t do this. I cry every time I see the video of the boy crying and begging not to be sent home to his abusive family. My cousin’s wife does the forensic interviews for kids who have been abused and provide support for them and her telling me stories of kids she wished didn’t get placed back and fought hard against it and one child a year after her pleading against reunification was found dead. There’s just no way I could do it. I think it would hurt too much especially if I felt like a kid was going to be in danger once they left my care and there was nothing I could do I think the guilt if they were hurt again would eat me alive.
And I wouldn't want a child to know that I allowed that and supported it. I can't be an enabler to abuse - and let them think this normal and I'm going to sit back and watch it happen.
As someone who hopes to one say be a foster parent, as much as I fear this, I also know that by volunteering, I can at least provide that child with a few good days and memories. That's what I hope to do.
Yeah this... she does a lot of good and lays out a lot of sensible responsibilities, but this felt more like "how to go along with, and make the child go along with, the inhumane parts of the system". Positing reunification as the primary goal, interests of the child as an afterthought, and making sure the parents are actually safe (physically and emotionally) to go back to not at all. I get that this is imposed by the foster system but it feels wrong. Children that adamantly do not want to go back are not ready to go back. Might never be. And there's a very real chance they're right, they know their bioparents from up close behind closed doors. Please trust a child if they don't feel comfortable around their bioparents.
@@SaraWolffs one reason reunification is a goal in the US that I think is good is that there's a history here of the state taking kids from parents of oppressed minorities, like our indigenous populations, and basically trafficking them via foster and adoption, cultural genocide if you will. Sadly, the state also created many of the circumstances like poverty and addiction that may lead to kids needing to be fostered in the first place. Everything about it is messed up. I think reunification shouldn't be forced, but she seems to be saying that as a foster parent there's only so much she can do -- and to document everything as much as possible!
I think that the foster care system should first ask the child: "do you want to move back in with your parent/s?"
If the answer is no - there is no more debating that. It should be about the child not about anyone else.
I was in Foster care at 10 years old for a few years they let me go back to the same abuse with my grandma I wish I had a voice my life would be different I'm 51 years old now it was me and my sister I thank God for you and for the children that come to you You are one special lady the foster care that I was in was not good she gave us cold showers and let me lay in my own pee I peed the bed up until I was 12 or 13 years old I dealt with this my entire life I gave my life to Jesus still trying to heal
I’m so sorry to hear this. I pray that God will completely heal your heart! I know it will take time and be a process, I pray you will see positive changes soon and on a regular basis! You are loved! Sorry you had crappy life circumstances 😢
I’m sorry that happened to you. You were a child and didn’t deserve that abuse. I wish you healing and peace.
I'm so sorry ❤️ I hope you know that bedwetting is super common in kids with trauma and it wasn't your fault ☹️ I hope you have people around you to love you now ❤️
I’m so sorry, you didn’t deserve that ❤
Up to even a couple decades ago, this was common practice of letting the bed wetter lay in their wet bed. Not saying it’s right, but the foster parent was being typical parent in this scenario.
reunification shouldn’t be the default goal every single time. I don’t have an issue with reunification on a case by case basis but to have that reunification blanket doesn’t do anyone a service in my opinion. I think that it can make parents better able to lie through loopholes but also i’m very cynical and have never actually taken in a foster placement so once I do eventually my thoughts could very easily change
I applaud your dedication truly, I don’t think I could be a part of a system however, where I could not have my own voice heard in the face of injustice. From what I’ve learned in your videos, foster parents seem to be nothing but a vessel that temporarily shelters and eventually returns the child to their parents. This is fine if the parents have truly made amends but I couldn’t imagine returning a child to a bad situation and not being able to advocate for that child. No, I simply cannot be a part of that.
My mum was really ill so I only was in foster care for 2 weeks. My take is I am incredibly grateful that if I was so unwell like my mum was that my children would be safe.
Same. Which hurts my soul so bad for all these sweet babies and tiny humans who just deserve the best.
The way I see it, foster parents get the chance to provide these kids at least a few good days. The system may be broken, but we can still make someone's life a little better through it.
This feels... wrong. Honestly slightly chilling. Children need a caregiver they trust and can confide in who will defend them. Sometimes they need to be defended against abuse. Sometimes from abuse they know will come after reunification.
You mention reunification as the thing you are there to support, and then in the tones of an afterthought "we are also there to support the child" and... oh dear. I'd have hoped and expected that that would be the main one to support.
Also, no mention at all of addressing the worries by making sure the parents are actually safe and allowing the child to verify that. Nor any mention of suggesting alternatives to the judge like emancipation or (seeking parents for) adoption if the child prefers those over a home they might feel is unsafe.
A child who is never homesick is a major red flag 🚩! Any child from a loving home will start to feel homesick at some point.
Children should never be made to return to an abusive home. Ever.
Your content is so so valuable. I always thought I could possibly do foster care, but seeing the all that goes into being successful and helpful to the kids you take in really made me pause and reevaluate if I could truly be successful at within own life right now. And the answer was no. So thank you for all your education around it. I think a lot of people probably don't know all the things required of foster parents!
I probably should have, but I never realized foster parents didn’t actually act like parents. I assumed you guys would be an actual guardian and fight for the kid’s wants or needs, but sounds like you just feed and shelter while the system decides what they get. Very interesting video!
I imagine it’s very hard act like a parent in that way when you know those relationships are temporary and you’re under so many regulations and scrutiny.
Those roles are filled by social workers and court advocates. For right or for wrong, that's the division of labor.
Unfortunately this is how the system is set up. Foster parents that get "too attached" to the kid often burn out BECAUSE they were advocating for the best interest of the child. But when a crappy bio "parent" meets the minimum state requirement for unification, and a judge, social worker, ect orders the reunification, then no matter how much the foster parent loved, and advocated for the child's rights, that kid is going right back with the abuser they are blood related to. The system is too overwhelmed and under funded, so the kids are just funneled through, and if they can be "put back" with mom/dad then that means the state doesn't have to keep paying a foster parent or supporting their medical costs. It's sad, but the reality is, it's a numbers game. If our society actually cared about children's well being then we would have a very different system, and reunification would be actually focused on assessing the parents, are they good parents who are just struggling in poverty? Are they horrible people who should never have been allowed to procreate and now should never have a chance at reunification? Sure we all want every parent to be wonderful, and loving, and do everything to help and support their child. But honestly there are a lot of parents who aren't like that, and there are even more parents who are decent to one child, but terribly abusive to the other, and those kids get overlooked bc hey she's a great mom to his brother, so she must be good to him too. Right?
I imagine it would be too hard emotionally. Because you can't change it anyway so you have to convince yourself that working along with the system is the right thing to do so you can cope with having to do that. My guess. Breaks my heart for the children and the foster parents who actually care. 😭💛
They can act like a parent towards the child but the role they have to in court/legal matters
Im not sure how it is now but if a child says they don't want to return to their bio parents than the conditions should be upped and the child's opinion should be taken into consideration. Even if 90% of a time the child doesn't want to return to a proper loving home it's still better to do due diligence for the other 10%.
I love your videos! Will never foster as I find parenting my own two a big enough responsibility. Yet your take on parenting is so lovely! So child focused! So no judgemental! Modelling acceptance and giving knowledge.
Many have communicated in the thread that "reunification" can be very difficult. And I don't mean to belittle their experiences. Yet if a child has to go home they need to be prepared - at least a little. Giving them knowledge of the different roles everyone has is such empowerment.
Giving children knowledge about roles of people around them is such a good idea.
I love how Lauren's videos can be applied to many situations where you have to care for children... Even your own kids.
I agree so much with what you're saying. I work in a kindergarten as a child and youth care worker and find her videos as a big inspiration.
(Will not comment on the debate about reunification, it's not my place, as I have no experience with that)
I am not a foster parent but I am a Mom of 2 little boys and you do incredibly work! Thank you for your huge heart and open mind and thank you for sharing!
It's so sad. So sad. Children should not have to go back to a bad and unhealthy environment. They should be allowed to have boundaries too.
Who else is here because you're curious how your childhood might have been different if some caring adult had noticed how bad it was and something had actually been done to give you a safer environment? 🙋🏼♀️
Wish You were my foster mom when I was in foster care I would have given anything Thank you for what you do 🙏💜
I imagine the impact you have on children is tremendously positive! I learn a lot from your videos
The number one goal of all foster systems should be what’s best for the child. Not reunification
I wish we could have all foster parents be like her..I had a hellish time in foster care..
I love watching your videos even though I am in my 50s an have grandkids, it's great to see the younger generation getting into this type stuff. You make sure those kids are taken care of .
When I was 28, I decided to get away from my job at the hospital. I had enough of emergency rooms and such .
So I decided to start babysitting. My son was in 4th grade and he actually loved it . The kids were smaller but he would come home, jump on the floor and play with them.
I accepted a 7 week old the mom was 20 and she asked if I would take pay from welfare which was 50 cents less an hour.
I told her since it was only 6 hours a day, yes. I was a 20 year old new mom and working and going to school.
After a month she was working mostly shifts from 4 to 9. She would show up maybe 20 mins to an hour late ( she had to do extra work ) .
That lasted about 4 times until she got close enough and I could smell the alcohol.
I said bring me clean clothes and diaper , food and bottles for tomorrow. I asked her to leave and she can see the baby tomorrow.
Those days started happening alot .my son asked if Vincent was his new brother! Lol I started having that child 4 to 5 24 hour shifts a week.
They lived with her mother and her mother knew everything. I told her if comes and tries to take Vinney home when she is drinking, I will call the police .
This lasted another 8 months. Yes I felt like his mother , but when she would come to get him, I had to make sure he knew she was mama and such .
Just after he turned a year old , a friend of mine called me and asked if I would come back to work and run a dialysis clinic.
I hated to do it , especially cause my son loved me being home, but I would have to give up Vincent as well.
So I took the job, and I gave them a month notice .
The night before I was going back to work , her mom called " Alicia was pulled over for drinking and driving, you have to go get Vinney or he will be put into cps " .
I said woah ! I start my new job tomorrow! I can't take him. ( Yes I cried for days ) They took him into foster care, I had to make the best decision I could. I actually asked one of my friends if they had extra spot for babysitting. I was gonna take him and ship him to another sitter ! Lol unfortunately she said no, she was full, so I had to decline .
Now this kid is 24 and in the navy ! I wasn't supposed to keep him , he was supposed to grow and learn and be a safety !
wow this sounds like a full time mom job...........but it must be so hard to have to send them back
It basically is! And not one that is very well-paid at that (at least, if you are a good foster parent who is spending their allowance on the child and not hoarding it for themselves)
@@sianmilne4879 Reminder that being a biological parent isn't paid at all
@@sianmilne4879 I have no idea how the payments work, and I’m sure that some people exploit it, but that money may allow a foster parent to be at home with the child rather than working.
I watch your videos and learn so much on what foster care is all about.
Thank You for sharing and teaching us more.
Can’t say how I wish you didn’t have to do this (I know you don’t Have to)
Wish we all lived in a world where children are safe in their homes.
It sounds like documenting everything and communicating constantly with everyone is so important, but there's only so much you can do, is that right? I really like the idea you had of babysitting and keeping in contact to ease the transition. I wonder if it's hard to tell whether a kid is just scared of change or is scared for other reasons like whether they will face more mistreatment. Seems like kids below a certain age don't get much of a say. Thanks for being there for them.
I don’t get how the social system, that has produced something like “foster parents”, be so malfunctional as to produce the concept of reunification. I’m
Sure there are parents whose only fault is that they have slipped, and they need time and help to get back up straight and continue living and providing normal life for the kids. But how many of the parents in question really belong to such a category? It’s obvious that most of the kids forced to go into foster care, have been previously severely abused. Why let them live a normal life with foster parents and then send them back to hell??? It’s torture
You talked about documenting children's concerns. This seems important. Can you talk a little bit more about documentation?
Why the kids don't have a say: It's because we live in a country that prioritizes the right of parental control over the basic fundemental rights of children to be safe and secure. There's a reason the US has not ratified the UN's treaty for children's rights.
I find your uploads very helpful ...
lots of information and no judgement ...
🎄 Happy Holidays 🎄
tbh i think it’s sad how you’re expected to focus on reunification instead of focusing on what’s best for the child. idc what a judge decides, if the child says they don’t want to go back home they absolutely shouldn’t be forced to go back home. not directing any of it at you personally cause i know you’re doing your best and don’t have the authority to decide what happens to the child - i’m just upset at the system :/
I am grateful to my bio mum for somehow getting my bio dad to terminate his rights before my birth and then terminating hers so I could be raised somewhere else. I have met him and he would have tried but me staying with him would have been a horrible mistake for me and limited my life in so many ways.
This was so so dense with information I learned so much
Thank you for teaching us so much
What about older teenagers that do not want to reunify? At 15, 16, 17 can they choose to stay with you if you agree? Can they at least choose not to return to bio family?
If the child tells this to the case worker the guardian at linden will take the into account very seriously, she is the king and queen of that court
That’s just not true. The child must repeatedly describe explicit details regarding why they do not want to return. Children are often too scared to do this and they don’t know what details are important to disclose.
The system is corrupt. Foster parents should get common law parental rights automatically transfered to them. Many children are returned knowing of repeated abuse. The parents are not victims who need support to care for their children. The children are innocent and need stability. Children are not removed because the parent could not properly care for them, but because THEY CHOOSE to endanger them.
I know some people who work in the system who would disagree with that. A professor I had in college said that the majority of his cases (other job was as a social worker) were kids who were short-term cases. A surprising number of the parents had difficulty accessing regular outpatient psych care due to the local infrastructure. Patchy care resulted in more inpatient stays, which was when the kids’ files ended up back on his desk
@@camcat26 anyone working in the system will tell u things like this
The myth of the system is soooo large
@@YeshuaKingMessiah the garbage psych care available to local Medicaid recipients certainly wasn’t a myth. It was receiving regular coverage in the paper, and I knew multiple individuals who were involved in one campaign or another to improve it
Some foster parents want to adopt the child... Basically from the beginning.
Yeeeeah, this is a problem. I hope they at least communicate that to their agencies so that they can only get kids that are for sure going to be up for adoption, but I doubt it considering it seems to only be self-centred people that would get into fostering for that reason
@@sianmilne4879 not true there are thousands of waiting children in foster care that parents rights have already been terminated its selfish to want a baby that way yes but not every situation is the same
@Cindy Y Can you link to your sources? I'd be interested to read about this.
@@sianmilne4879 I’m sorry but this is so ridiculous. My brother was originally a foster child but the abuse was so obvious that my parents decided to advocate for him. He had and still has severe health issues due to her using while he was in the womb and even doctors had to let the courts know that sending him back to his bio parents would be a death sentence. If anyone less meticulous/caring/obsessive than my mom had gotten a hold of him he would be dead. It’s as simple as his temperature going SLIGHTLY up and then it’s off to the hospital. I would not trade that little man for the world though. ❤❤❤
I grew up going to school with a girl in foster care, she hated being there and didn't want to go home either. 😔 (I grew up in a small town with most people on meth)
I am curious how documenting works, especially if that was something a kid faced in their abusive home? Like, my mother used to record video/take notes and say how she was going to "give it to the police/therapist/etc to get me taken away"...so like how does documenting work?
Wow. You are a MUCH better foster parent than the family my kids were with. They didn't even bother learning English in order to communicate with the kids, knowing that the kids came from an English speaking family, and were being adopted to an English speaking couple. Our kids' are so far behind, emotionally, linguistically, socially, etc. It's been really hard for them, and I wish that foster family had bothered to connect with them, even a little.
Children need to have the right to leave home & live in a safe, development & education setting. I have had to live with being mentally handicapped, because I could not escape from brutal violence as a child.
You are talking about short term care. Often for various reasons children are in long term foster care, grow up and then have nowhere to go because schools,social workers,court advocates, judges and therapists don't do enough to transition the youth to adulthood and what that means when you age out of foster care.
Hi Laura: (or anyone else who can answer this) ... I'm curious as to how the relationship changes, especially legally, when you go from 'foster parent' to 'babysitter' -- after the child has been reunited with their family/parent(s).
A subject that I never hear you discuss is the impact on biological children in the home. It's traumatizing in many instances that biological children are hit and often psychologically traumatized. For example young biological children of foster parents being hit and bullied and often s.. x. A b. S. E. d by foster children. It's a dark secret of foster care. The long term studies of biological children often being emotionally abused or neglected by their parents who are so consumed about the care of a foster that they injure their own children-sometimes intentionally but very often, not.
When you offer to babysit do you mean for pay or voluntarily?
How much of what a child shares with you do you have to share? Do different ages get different levels of privacy in what you have to report?
Then what's the point of foster care?? You take kids away from their parents for SERIOUS reasons. The fact you guys think it's okay for the kids to go back to that situation is horrible. People can put up a front but they don't change. If you take a kid away because they're being abused and that kid starts having unsupervised visits and is telling you "Do not send me back there" YOU NEED TO DO MORE. That child SHOULD NEVER go back. The fact we'll act like it's all about the children's safety but you guys are ignoring the kids and sending them back?? It's not okay. ESPECIALLY when you have a kid who has been removed multiple times. You're adding to the trauma by telling that kid you can't help them. You let them get a taste of something nice then threw them back to the sharks.
but the truth is that she can't do anything other than long-term babysit, try offering support for her time being and working with the law in order to get a ruling that is of the kid's best interest. if she were to keep them that'd be kidnapping 👍 it's not her fault, it's the system's fault that reunification is always the end goal
@@mccperin Like it or not, we're part of a broken society and it's our responsibility to make things right.
@@ems.master i understand that, but what is she supposed to do WHILE fostering a kid? it's not her fault that the system is rotten, n if she goes against it in this way she might lose her license
Has a kid ever asked to you to adopt them?
By forcing kids to go back to people who have abused them, you're teaching the kids there are zero consequences for their parents' actions. Eventually, the kids will abuse their own kids.
You're also telling the kid that their experiences and feeling don't matter.
My husband and his brothers were sent back several times. Their father has 3 kids from another marriage that he can't see anymore. He was charged for assaulting them and the 3 kids were permanently removed. He had 5 kids after that and beat and starved them everyday. CPS didn't care and has sent them back 3 times.
That’s horrible. I am so sorry.
How do you do when the child wants to go to ther parents beccose the child wont to take care of the parent? Do you notice when a child fink the natural family are one ore more children taking care of a parent hopefully whif help from a odder parent?. Ore do you just se it like they are cute and love ther parents and you believe its the same felling your biological children has for you? (I dont now if you have biological children but you seem really nice so I fink if you have your children take for granted that you will care for them.)
What would happen if say, I was your foster child and was on an overnight that I didn't want to go to at my parents house and I called you but all I knew to do was cry and beg you to come get me because they were being mean to me?
I guess thats where its important to direct them to an intermediary to make that determination not the child or foster parent. Otherwise the child will be perceived as being manipulative, triangulation etc. The child too needs to be able understand and work the system not the individuals. If they fear for their life or safety in tgeir parents presence then phoning emergenct services to be removed would be a proactive rather than reactive act by the child. Sounds weird I know but kids need to learn their own power.
will you be MY mom
Do you ever adopt kids you foster
So that's sounds like you want the image of helping the child without actually helping the child because that involves taking responsibility. If a child doesn't want to reunite with their family, they shouldn't be forced to. Easy for the foster parent though to say it's not their place. You're not a foster PARENT then, you're a hotel.
That’s foolish, it’s the law’s fault. She cannot keep the kids, and I’ve had family who fostered and they put so much money into fighting for the children to stay with them and not go back home to their abusive parents. Who won? Their bio parents and the state, because bio parents have so many more rights and the law sides with them over fosters.
Do you suggest we start breaking the law? What’s your solution to this, or do you just want to throw insults and act superior? Probably never fostered or did anything like this.
Might need to talk someone buddy. Thats an open wound.
Everyone on this comment thread not understanding that legally it’s kidnapping if she just doesn’t give the kid back
Kidnapping is a very serious crime. If she tried to prevent the social worker from taking the child back, not only would the police come and take the child back, but she could be arrested and spend years in prison. She would certainly never be allowed to foster again. Legally she is a babysitter.
*their
She's willing to put kids back in a bad home again
Rightly or wrongly its not her discision
It's not her choice. What she can do is offer these children a safe, stable, caring, and secure place until their situations are worked through. But no, it's ultimately not up to foster parents if the children are returned to their previous home. The system is definitely flawed. But I would never blame this woman of all people. She is doing so much for these children.
I think “reunification” is a TERRIBLE idea 95% of the time. The fact that their goal is usually “reunification” disgusts me and it’s one reason why I HATE the system. Just hearing people talk about “reunification” as if it’s some great thing is very triggering and is a clear sign of someone that didn’t grow up in the system themselves. Just that word is so evil.
I personally was a child that was “reunified” 🤮 I was out BACK into that hell time and time and time and time again. And now I’m a severely Broken adult that will probably NEVER be okay. Then I grew up and my stepson was given back to his mother who got BACK on drugs again and he was taken away and he was given back AGAIN and she ended up homeless and got hit by a semi wandering along the Highway. I could go on and on. Every single person I’ve known or seen be taken away and given back it has only gotten WORSE!
Certain people are not fit to be parents and these social workers need to understand that. Especially these single mothers. The first ingredient in the recipe for DISASTER is a SINGLE MOTHER.
Our system really needs to do better. This liberal/Democrat mentality is not helping us abused, mistreated, tortured and neglected children. It’s just making us (I don’t even have words) disabled, mentally tormented, traumatized adults.
I am so very sorry to hear about your story- but I want to thank you for sharing it! I hope to be a foster mum one day and I find it very helpful to hear all sorts of backgrounds and stories. I hope that you can heal and feel better ❤️
@@marthak9360 Sadly, most children will be given back. And you as a foster parent will have NO SAY in what happens. So my advice to you is to go ahead and become a foster parent and when you have those babies in your care, POUR LOVE into them. They need it so bad. Just give them a period of their life where they can have a happy memory. I personally would like to become a foster parent in the future when I’m more financially stable and that’s my main goal. I only have one child but I have so much love to give and I know there are kids just like me that need it.
My mom was a single mother and a great blessing in my life. I think the point is if a parent is abusive reunification shouldn't be the goal!
@@yellowyosh470 Okay.. Good for you. The exception doesn’t negate the RULE.
Kinda confused about the end part with "democrat mentality"? I've never heard a democrat or republican talk about adoption and normally it's conservatives talking about "family values" and such. I'd appreciate it if you could clarify. Thanks
Her word usage is disturbing
I think she did a good job describing what actually happens, and not how she personally feels about the system. It might come across as "disturbing" because her description doesn't have any emotion attached to it, but the video is still very informative.
I hated you until the end half. You just might be well intentioned. If that's the case, thanks for sharing. Children belong with their parents. Reunification should always be the end goal. Unless of course, their family is filled with absolute monsters.
My kids are my kids and there no liar named Lauren in my family
I'm planning on fostering/adopting in the next few years, and I wonder if this is something that I could say:
"I can't promise that I will get to keep you, but I can promise that whenever you're with me, I will do everything I can to keep you safe, stable, and happy. And I CAN promise that even if I don't get to keep you with me, you can count on the fact that someone out here wants you, and they want what is best for you."
-- would any previous or current foster kids be able to tell me what they think of this? I don't want to instill ideas that I can't live up to, but I want to be able to give a kid some kind of promise that they can actually believe.
Essentially, what was something a good foster parent told you or made sure you knew that has helped you get through rough times (in those cases where reunification was achieved but not actually in your best interests).
Definitely open to help/guidance and suggestions!
I do think you should work through some stuff first.
I cant promise I will get to keep you is not a good start or mindset at all.