Steven Seagal Movies - ralphthemoviemaker
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The "Bad Steven Seagal Movies" reviewed are
China Salesman
General Commander
The Perfect Weapon
with
A Good Man
The Asian Connection
Sniper: Special Ops
I recently discussed the so bad it's good movie "Love on a Leash" with
Stephen Kramer Glickman, the voice of Alvin Flang. Link here: • Conversation w/ Stephe...
Happy Birthday Song / Happy, Background (No Copyright Music)
Link: • Happy Birthday Song / ...
The set was actually built around Seagal sitting on a chair.
XD
Lmfao like in that sniper movie, pretty sure hes sitting on a chair instead of crouching
So was the plot.
Universe*
As much money they can afford to get it around him
He can't fight, he can't act and he can't stand anymore. But he still can harrass women. Legend.
He can embarrass himself too ! Such a disgrace 😂
It's a priority thing. He conserves energy.
@@OloleSo thats why they call him a conservative.
That's the wrong kind of legend to be
Steven Seagall fights like someone with his hands full of groceries trying to open the front door.
Made me choke on my drink 🤣🤣🤣
Lmao underrated comment
Underrated comment. I died but somehow survived to reply.
Haaaaaahaaaaaahaaaaaa
Hahah
Fun fact: they kept Mike and Stephen apart during filming because Mike couldn’t stop laughing when they told him who he was supposed to fight.
Real or fake, I wouldn't be surprised either way.
😂😂😂
Someone called this genre of movie "dadsploitation" and I can't get that out of my head
Honestly Steven Seagal is America's tryhard uncool dad
So the Lifetime and Hallmark movies with the same plots are Momsploitation films? Parents have terrible tastes.
@@Wolfspiritzero yes lol they are 100% momsploitation
or is it just badsploitation? as in exploiting bad actors who think they have talent & audiences who like to laugh at them
@@ashleybrooke2087 A lot of those movies have many has-been actors who were at one time in big budget movies. Nicolas Cage was in a Lifetime movie awhile back. It's where acting careers go to die and Hallmark is where they're reborn in a perpetual Christmas purgatory.
"I was in an all-black band."
IF YOU WERE IN IT, THE BAND WAS NOT ALL-BLACK, STEVEN
Does the fact that his heart is black as coal count?
@@nomine4027 i don't think he has one
Oh please let it be that he blacked up and got away with it.
He has no race like Chuck Norris he just is.
Incorrect, if anything, he made it blacker. Obviously, he’s the king of improv
Steven Seagal got in a dispute on set of one of his movies by claiming he couldn't be choked out due to his training so a stuntman responded by choking him out to the point of passing out and actually shit his pants in front of the entire crew.
Shitgal?
Brandon Morel Rojas noice
Gene Lebell was the man who made Segal shit himself. True story
@Luc Germain idk either way it's fun to spread rumors about Steven Seagal
Yeah, and he keeps denying it, so it's probably true.
steven seagal was in a blues band in the 50es ... he was born in 1952 so he could have been 7 at most. Just more proof how talented this man is
😂😂😂
the funny thing is a real fight between Mike and Steven would just consist of Tyson hitting him once and Seagal dying immediately
Mike can still move, all my money would be on him anyways. Age is just a number to him
Lets be real tyson in a wheelchair would kill seagull in a fistfight
@@ccainum5971 tyson in a hospital bed would decimate seagull
That I can believe like 100%...and not just cause I like Tyson and hate Seagal, but because it is just a fact.
1 jab and the fight would be over!
“I was in an all-black band.” If you were in it, it wasn’t an all black band lol.
Good point xD
@@viewtiful1doubleokamihand253 6:06
This Steven Seagal talking. He means they *wore* all black. He wouldn't be in any other kind of band.
but he IS black!
@@joodlemcdoodle He's everything; hence his size.
Fun fact: Steven Segal wanted to produce and STAR in a biopic as Genghis Khan.
Edit: thanks for the 2k likes lol
That would be amazing
Smart, if you're on horseback the entire movie you never have to stand up
The Mongols historically gained a ton of weight from gorging themselves on local food and alcohol when they started to settle down. Would make sense
oh. so he wanted to pull a John Wayne like in The Conqueror. the film where John Wayne played Ghengis Kahn. and it gave people cancer.
no i mean like literal cancer. the actors and production crew were exposed to nuclear radiation at the filming location. look it up its insane.
Like John Wayne?
Steven Seagal is like that kid who never wants to lose and always has a "magical armor" that makes him impervious to everything.
The narcissist ego is extremely fragile.
"You can't do that, I'm invincible."
So basically eric Cartman 😂
@@blumedeschaos2926 except that he's not going to get someone's parents killed and fed to him. Instead, he's just going to snatch every motherfucker birthday
I remember back in elementary school, we'd sometimes do Pokémon LARPs on the playground. Generation two had just come out, so this was pre-abilities. And there was this kid who would create overpowered fakemons with proto-abilities of sorts. The one that always stuck with me was "Everythingstar," a made-up evolution to Starmie who had every type at once... all of their strengths and no weaknesses. I continuously told him that was stupid and unfair, prompting him to throw a tantrum and delay the game until we capitulated.
Anyway, Steven Seagal is that kid. Steven Seagal is Everythingstar. Don't be like Steven Seagal.
steven seagal exists in a truman show version of the navy seals copypasta where everyone near him conspires to make him think he can do karate
I want this to be a fucking movie
Casey Whitesell the stuman show
@@caseycat just watch Steven segal MTV Cribs
@@chillhour6155 🤣
That’s super funny
Most Nic Cage/Bruce Willis movies end up in the $5 bin at Wal Mart.
Steven Seagal movies don't even end up in the bargain bins of your local pawn shop.
Where do they end up in a dumpster.
Everyone shits on the bargain bin but it’s honestly got some really good movies in it sometimes. Like one time I went to the bargain bin at my local dollar store and found The Godfather. You’d be more likely to find these movies behind a thrift store next to the garbage
@@lit-eral5953 I found my aliens movie in there...score :3
At least Nic Cage does some good movies every once in a while like Mandy. Steven Seagull is a hack
Haha seriously, he's a hack
It's funny Jon tron and Ralph both covered his goofy ass
The movie being about a Chinese rich guy who is a "hero" for wringing money out of Africa and stealing foreign intellectual property and waving a Chinese flag while he does so is so on the nose that I almost respect it?
gunwild gunwild
I know, the propaganda is so ironic if you tested it for comedy gold it would be 24 carats
I was gonna say something if i didn't see this
He didn't "wring out money", he just invested in a communication line.
It's better then what france has done for Africa.
@@r.p.4756 just cause it's better doesn't mean it's good.
R. P.
He “invested” in a communication line using stolen intellectual property, and the only reason the movie portrays that it’s okay is because he did it on the behalf of the Chinese government.
Imagine being a talented martial artist and stuntman, and you have to pretend to get your ass beat by Steven Seagal pretending to do Kung fu
So, Dan Inosanto?
While hyperventilating into your ear
It doesn’t help that he looks exactly the same in every single movie. Like he just wanders onto set and they start filming.
It's more like a film crew wandered into him and said "Fuck it, let's film him."
Hahahahahahahaha 😂😂😂
i didn't even realize he looked EXACTLY the same in them all 😂😂
🤣🤣🤣
@@littlefieryone2825 🤣
Steven Seagal loves his country so much that he left it and became a russian and a serbian citizen
it is literally alleged all the crappy movies he’s been doing since leaving the US in 2010 (or at least stopped making movies in the US since 2010) are just money laundering schemes for the various figures, backers and groups he hangs out with.
@@mckenzie.latham91 meh at this point, that could actually be true and no one would be surprised
Oh yes, he is my countryman now, what a time to be alive
@@kostajovanovic3711 America isn't sending you their best.
@@mroctober3657 I lived trough 1999, i know
These poor young women, paid only to get groped by Seagull without even being allowed to say a word. Starring in a porn would be less degrading.
i dont know about you but thats easy money for me
@@mazter_chief_5768 If you have no self-esteem, sure.
@@Elhao 6:06
@@mazter_chief_5768 yeah just get your ass clapped by Steven segal
Did you just say “a porn”..?
Listening to Seagal ineptly try to push Russian propaganda has me feeling like if I was Putin I would be asking for my money back.
Yeah his performance of CIA and armed forces propaganda is at least slightly more effective lmao
I have to thank Seagal though. I generally distrust Western media when it unites around a common topic so if it weren’t for him I might have fallen for Russian propaganda about the war. There’s no way I’m on the same side as the guy who had two underage girls locked inside his basement
@@Scatmanseth Did he really?
Putin accepting seagal as a propaganda mouth piece is a bigger blunder than the kiev bound convoy at the start of the war.
You mean when he said that the war should end and that he didnt want Russians and Ukrainians to die? yea what an asshole. He should be raising money for weapons manufacturers like Sean Penn and Bono. Those guys are showing you how to behave. Good little soldiers
In 2008, actor Sylvester Stallone declared to the British magazine FHM that "At a party in my home in Miami in 1997, Van Damme was tired of Steven Seagal claiming he could kick his ass so he offered Seagal outside into my back yard." According to Stallone, Seagal made his excuses and left while Van Damme tracked him down at a nightclub and challenged him again. Stallone finished by stating "Van Damme was too strong. Seagal wanted none of it."
Van Damme's a genuinely charming, skilled bad-ass who is in perfect shape even today and whose movies are actually enjoyable (and not in a "so bad they're good"-kind of way either). Hearing this story just made me like him even more, good on him for calling Seagal out on his bullshit.
@@hermionestranger4964 Also, Seagal has been sued at least 5 times for sexual harassment.
@@jc-dentron yeah I had heard something about that. Yikes. I hope those victims get justice against this oversized mustachioed eggman eventually.
@@jc-dentron 15:30 he should take his own characters advice lol
@@hermionestranger4964 it pissed me off how they portrayed that scene if seagal fighting tyson....they made it look like tyson had hard time fighting him...like fuck off already
The scene where everybody gets up and leaves and fades away was actually inspired by real events on set
I heard it was all improvised and they actually just left
Theory: Everyone is in delusion and the people disappearing is making them snap almost back to reality. Then again I might be wrong since there’s like people and dying and everything. Unless its all a dream.
I can't even!
It's actually inspired by what happens when they show one of his movies in theaters.
🤣
The movie names sound like they were auto-generated
"General Commander"
"A Good Man"
"Beyond The Law"
"The China Salesman"
Next up
Special ops team
The Mongolian Griller
Few weeks ago
Attack Force is one that exists too
Hideo Kojima named the characters.
I own Beyond The Law on DVD. It literally feels like an unfinished (about 90%) movie. Steven Seagal also gave me really heavy Cameron Mitchell vibes in it because he mostly sat down all movie and casually drank.
@@hpintrepid do I detect a fellow Redlettermedia fan?
Warching Mike Tyson run through that monologue reminds me of going to my kid's kindergarten class play where the one 5 year old is clearly scared to death and is tearing up while he speaks but he gets through the lines and its a heartwarming moment and everybody claps except Mike Tyson is an adult and nobody claps.
Every character in China Salesman sounds like they are text to speech.
6 days ago wtf
@@sahymakhtar7445 Patreons get early access
Imagine getting American actors to have more natural English speakers in your movie, but you get the two Americans who are the worst at speaking English
I think an algorithm wrote this movie
hes big in russia or something, no?
"I started playing the guitar in Detroit in the '50s and I was in an all-black band"
Steven Seagal was born in 1952
Quite the young prodigy
Didn't realize Steven was african american
Steven Seagal can be practically any age (or really anything) he wants to be
Danny Mendez
Can he be dead?
@@courier6960 if you wish
"I have sinned against AfRiCa" has to be the worst line reading I've never heard
With an added "pleeth" to it, nonetheless.
Peath 😂
I just got ot that part and raced to the comments, funniest thing ive ever heard
I've had that line in a loop in my head the past few days, and mutter it out to myself at work.
WarriorBoy
All day long. Hahaha. I’ll just be mindlessly doing something, and suddenly, “pleath... let it go... pleath...”
7:22 I swear to god, no matter how many times I watch this video, every time that guy says “This is Andy Nelson.” I think it’s Ralph dubbing the line.
Tom cruise will be remembered for doing his own stunts.
Steven seagal will be remembered for sitting in a chair.
If he is remembered at all to begin with
And shitting his pants when one of his stunt men put him out. Hahaha
@@JanoyCresvaZero I think that was Judo Gene LeBell who choked him out making him shit his pants
kallebaah0
Indeed it was.
@@KalleLagerlof
There were two times actually, one by LeBell, then there was another by a stuntman.
Even the title of China salesman doesn’t even make sense. If he’s literally selling China, as in porcelain, then it makes sense. Other than that it literally means he’s selling the country not that he’s a salesman from China.
They clearly didn't translate it right and none of the English-Speaking actors could give enough of a shit to correct them
Yeah it should be Chinese Salesman
@@Camburg44 Someone with influence in the Party decided that should be the title, and you don't argue with things that come from higher up. Even if they don't make sense.
Mixing up the demonym with the name of the country is a really common mistake for Chinese-speakers (saying "China" instead of "Chinese" or "American" instead of "America") because Mandarin doesn't have demonyms; they just take the place name and add "person."
I guess he could be selling the country, as in, he's in tourism or state propaganda?
“I am the king of improv, if you’ll forgive my saying so.’
I don’t forgive you at all, Steven.
Void Mayonnaise no one ever has, no one ever will. Unless sitting in a chair and pretending to be cool is improv.
Nope, everything you do disgusts me on a basic human level.
12:58 love how not only does he shoot himself with a desert eagle with zero recoil but the fact the slide doesn't even go back but the bullet exits the chamber anyway
whenever Seagal speaks it sounds like he is seconds away from dying
He probably is seconds away from dying by the looks of it
😂😂😂dude that’s so fucked
@@louisamos5330 I think he's already dead and that whenever he speaks it's just air escaping the corpse.
Too many cheeseburgers
Complimentary vodka from his BFF, Putin. I bet he hates him he just wants to see how big he gets before death 😂
Penn Jillette abandoning Teller to start an acting career was a poor decision.
Underrated
He looks a bit more like DarkSydePhil, in his old age, wondering where it all went wrong. Then suddenly he lets out a really depressed fart, and that facial expression is the result.
Penn Jillette got on a diet & is actually in way better shape than Seagal these days & arguably a better actor. Penn & Teller in a gritty action movie would still be more fun than watching Seagal sit though scenes.
Though not as funny as watching Seagal meet Vladimir Putin.
Bugged old age dood ACK ACK ACK. Nothing He could do
Bro I thought he looked like penn too
The only dangerous thing about Seagal is his cholesterol level.
😆😆😂😂😂😂😂 Christ he's huge 🤣
Brutal
Not to mention his apparent Histrionic Personality Disorder.
He's allegedly pretty dangerous if you are a 17 year old actress alone with him.
I think the most dangerous thing about Seagal is his acting could put you to sleep permanently.
"Help! The town is being destroyed!"
Everything about that line, from the way Ralph abruptly segues into it, to the way he so nonchalantly delivers it, cracks me the hell up.
That Mike Tyson monologue was probably one of the hardest laughs I've ever had.
There are points when you see him start to realise the full horror of what he has gotten himself into.
AFRICAWWW
Hahaha right?
Who hires mike tyson and says.. let's give THIS guy all the big dialogue scenes in the finale, it'll be great
Mike tyson faking an african accent is somehow the most offensive and funny thing i’ve seen in a shitty movie. I can just imagine the chinese director saying “oh this guy’s black, make him african” and still going through it when they hear his clearly american accent
Its like some thing Dave Chapple would say in a standup comedy stage.
Interviewer: “Tell us about your movie.”
Steve: “DEMOCRATS! PROPAGANDA! MY FRIEND PUTIN AND TRUMP! DISGUSTING!”
Charles J. Guiteau and he was talking about this on a British news show like?? sir we do not care talk about the movie please (which, tbh, I doubt we care about either)
I mean it’s claimed that because he’s never done a movie in the US since 2010, that all of his movies now are money laundering schemes for the various assholes and “groups” he hangs out with now.
Mckenzie .Latham
I mean if stops supporting Putin and the CCP he could always hang out at a Russian gulag or a Chinese re-education camp if he doesn’t cooperate. In Russia and China, actors and actresses are used as propoganda machines to sew sympathy for the authoritarian powers that be, it’s sickening.
@@kevingarcia6746 ＥＶＩＣＴＩＯＮ
@@alicecollins9918 They asked him about current events as an American celebrity living in Russia who has dabbed with politicians in both countries. Reviewer is offended that he decried "propaganda" while discussing real world events because Segal also starred in a cheap Chinese movie where the Chinese flag is raised (grrr?) and he converses with "the enemy" (guy lives in Russia and has a Russian family - does he want Segal to go beat up some Russians or having moved there to agitate against the governement?)
"I was in an all black band in the 50s"
*born in 1952*
seems legit
“I was in an all black band”
Is not black
@@minatoyuki4800 he's been gentrifying since Glimmer Man.
That's why he's so good
When Stevey was just 4 months old he was already playing the guitar
@@minatoyuki4800 oh hey emo jesus
His best movies are:
On Deadly Ground Beef
A Good Mayonaise
Hard to Chew
Takeout for Justice
The Asian Fusion Connection
The Perfect Waffle
Above the Recommended BMI
Under Siege 2: Dark Teriyaki
I also love the one about his feet: Out of Reach.
“Despite him being the ugliest biggest most gelatinous awful looking person “
🤣🤣
It shows that he's lost passion for martial arts. I wonder when was the last time he really did a serious martial arts based work out, or any work out for that matter.
@@RumchugMusic he was never a martial artist. He was like Mac from IASIP, about the show of pseudo-martial looking moves rather than actually practicing any actual martial arts.
@Leon Russell lol
Only Steven Seagal could say, with a completely straight face, "I made a new movie, it's about *human trafficking* and *kung fu* "
Hey, I know a movie that has both those things. It's called The Transporter.
I live in Osaka japan where he use to live and teach. He left exactly zero imprint. No one in Japan of any ages knows who he is or was.
Unrested
Good, Japan was spared from this train wreck of a human being then
As it should be everywhere else.
Seriously why was he famous in the first place?
Gino Gatash
A few of his older late 80s-90s movies were apparently pretty popular (think of like Bruce Willis or Liam Nieson). However it’s gotten to a point where LITERALLY NOBODY watches Steven Seagal anymore (he’s been a confirmed wife beater, sexual predator, douchebag, and all around terrible person).
@@courier6960 I get he was in like a couple of good films during his "prime", but still, he really didn't do nothing to get his "action star", especially when compared to the likes of Stallone or Schwarzeneger.
Gino Gatash
Exactly, that’s why this whole “character” he created is so funny to so many people. He wasn’t really that badass when people liked him and when he was fit, now nobody likes the guy (because everyone knows he’s a massive piece of shit) and he’s overweight as hell, and he’s still playing the character.
Seagal is 1/4 Cherokee.
He weighs 1/4 of a Jeep Cherokee.
I feel bad for the actresses that were so desperate for money that they agreed to be touched or be near Steven in any way. 🤢
I don’t wanna think about some of the shit he might have done to some of them, seeing as how many women have come forth with allegations against him.
At this point, might as well do porn.
The way he patted her on the rear like she's a cow 😖
Seagal’s talent is being gross in so many ways.
@@bunnylegion3969 they’re all adults. They have free will just like men.
When Segal said he used to do special favors for the CIA and train them. He meant it in a sexual way.
Eewww! When did CIA become blind.
What happens in the Pentagon stays in the Pentagon
Yep.. coz it’s a well known fact around the world - that cia are butt pirates who train terrorists so that the US MIC can embezzle money from American taxpayers 🤷♂️
They used his mouth as a fleshlight.
@@RazorusR3X777 you just put a very disturbing image in my head
I love how he changed the title form "Bad Steven Seagal movies" to just "Steven Seagal movies"
Clown
@@tomhatl4690 what?
Lmao
@@tomhatl4690 wtf
@@papayer Clown
As if Steven's Putin rhetoric couldn't have aged any worse, it is now 2022.
Mike Tyson is the best actor in that movie and he's barely an actor. He actually seems like he's trying and cares enough to do the job he's being payed for
Well, not quite enough to be on location though.
I mean, it is Steven Seagal. Would you like to be on set with him?
@@Jack75188 HELLS NO! i've wondered what kinda shit the stunt guys talk bout him when he's not around
If you are a woman, RUN. Steven Seagal will touch you, and not the good kind.
@@Jack75188 I mean, it's not like Mine Tyson had any room to judge on that front though.
"We're on the move"
No you're not. You're sitting in a chair again.
Peter Fitzgerald This made me laugh more than it really should have
I like how he slid the chair back and then it cut to the other guy moving to stand up before cutting back with Seagal already having stood up and starting to move. Lol
"The Asian Connection" is just the connection between Steven Seagal and his dialysis machine" - Nick Mullen
XD
Hell yeah dude
Dude in the first 10 seconds of this video I was wondering if anyone was going to notice he ripped this whole thing off from cumtown
He is half Asian... half Mongol... half native American (they came from Asia)... half everything 🤷♂️
Yessss hahahha! Love that Cum Town video
12:26 one of the hardest laugh i've had in my life, That line delivery is just fucking amazing.
He’s absolutely one of the most self centred people on the planet and has such a deluded view of self confidence it’s really quite inspiring
Uh...the man insists he is a sexpot despite being ridiculously fat. That's just really, really sad.
Same type of personality of Gene Simmons.
You will never be as good as Steven seagul thinks he is, and you will never be as bad as Steve seagul actually is
He's just one step up from tommy wyseau
@@Karifi *one step below.
There, ftfy.
Guys China Salesman is a true story. I know this because I am, in fact, the China Salesman
yes, i can also prove that the movie is real because i am the mike tyson, also i'm dead
Nice try kid. If you really watched the movie and actually paid attention like a true film enthusiast, you would know that the real China Salesman is the friends we made along the way
NO WAYY!!!😲
*bows*
You never let me down
Steven Seagal is one of those NPC's that never leaves his starting position and exposites when you enter the room
"Have you heard of the high elves?"
No cap, he looks like an Oblivion NPC
Unskipable too
Hes just the handler from monster hunter world
Fucker probably gives out fetch quests too
12:43 I love this cutaway to Ralph because you can tell he's being moved by the poetry on screen. In total awe and at a lack of even a reaction to the character mike was able to transform into. It honestly chokes me up seeing someone experience true film
Steven Seagal should star in a comedy and the whole movie should just be him going about his daily life.
Wait.. these weren't all just Documentaries..?
"Time furmeeta gi muhgrocereese yousonuffabitch..."
I feel like it would end up making fun of inforwars which he would probably be against.
He has too much of an ego to do that. His ego prevents him from embracing the meme status and potentially becoming kinda relevant again.
It would be more entertaining than any of his movies
"There's a scene where a bunch of Italian dudes sit around and eat pasta"
Congats, you got one thing right that Gotti couldn't do
Gotti was the movie Goodfellas tried to be.
@@mroctober3657 which Gotti movie
@@giorgiogazzola5972 Travolta
@@mroctober3657 no Mafia movie could ever be as good as that.
@@giorgiogazzola5972 It's the gold standard.
Steven Seagal is so unaware of himself, it’s to a point that it actually baffles me. The man is indeed on his own level of consciousness but it’s definitely not higher
Jake Custer I wonder if he actually is self-aware but keeps trolling us for a good laugh
@@manospondylus or he's stuck and it's only way to make money.
@Sarah Wilson You mean the big D?
He's what Tommy Wiseau would be now if he'd made some good films. Tommy made the mistake of doing 2020 Tommy in 2003.
Hey Ralpy,
This is something i rarely do, meaning comment on on youtube videos. I've been an avid fan of yours for years now. I think you are a brilliant young mind when it comes to cinema. I've used your videos to guide me towards brilliant movies several times. Before I deliver well-deserved praise to you I reckon I should outline myself as a fan. I'm a resident of Seoul, Korea that originates from Newfoundland, Canada. I'm 44 and I teach children English.
As cliche as it may be, you've made me laugh at things that I used to think were defining and artful. Please believe that I am not being facetious or insulting. You've made me laugh so hard at the absurdity of some films that I thought were amazing as, frankly, a dumb kid. Maybe that is an aspect of aging. Funny that it came from a young fella like you. Your work is brilliant, seemingly professionally informed, and endlessly hilarious. Again, I'm not joking or trying to make fun of you. Keep it up, Sepe. You have unlikely fans.
Ah yes. The two African countries. North Africa and South Africa.
Hahahahaha
Africaghanistan
@@nukiradio Afrighanistan
@@nukiradio democratic republic of north africa
I love the idea of South Africa vs everybody else in the entire continent
The digitally added Steven Seagal face is what got me, Jesus Christ it’s been months since I’ve laughed this hard
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Why'd they do that? It's so ugly
@@mixkid3362 did you watch the video??
@@b3nl555 of course
I am not going to lie, I laughed to the point of peeing a little bit. 😂 😆 😝 😂
steven seagal mercy killing steven seagal with a katana is probably one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
“Avenge me brother”
It’s probably his last shred of his acting spirt and Steven killing his brother is killing his last shred of giving a shit in actually trying
Same.
The villain in China Salesman looks like Henry Cavill's stunt double playing the villain on a Nick Jr. show.
Sniper: Special Ops is if they made the main menu of a modern military video game into a movie
This comment is so underrated
11/10
Spec ops the line has a sniper in the main menu and he evolves as you play the game so its based around him then?
@@ididntmeantoshootthatvietn5012 No, because he actually gets out of the chair.
@@superlombax1561 lmfao
Ah, yes. The two genders: north and south Africa.
I read that in seths voice
Im south african and i couldnt stop laughing my head off ahahah
@@malwie6981 Everything north of South Africa is North Africa.
@@RumchugMusic RIP Zimbabwe
Rumchug no my man, the surrounding countries are still part of southern africa, further north is central, and then finally northern africa. Either way people should be more specific hahah
One of my favorite moments in china salesman is when the blonde woman says "is this your goat?" to a random stranger while holding a sheep. It gets funnier the more i rewind. My other favorite thing is that they spend 10 minutes on technobabble about 3g networks. But the very best thing in this whole movie is Mike Tyson trying to do an african accent despite barely being able to even speak english.
i also like the bit where he touches that girl's back while bumbling about some neurons and stuff
Mike Tyson has a great grasp of English. He's ridiculously articulate. People hear a lisp and think he's stupid but nothing could be farther from the truth.
@@stephenoldham9586 l fucking mao
@@stephenoldham9586 You sure about that? I doubt he can even read at a college grade level lol
@@petersosa268 He was trying to do waaaay too much lmao! Cringe worthy "acting"
I wouldn't be surprised if the "Can you speak English?" line wasn't even in the script and Stevie Seagull genuinely meant it.
When Mike Tyson acted circles around you, there’s no doubt that mistakes were made.
He'll talk your ear off?
He has sinned against AAAAAHfreeecAAAAAAAH.
@@RazorusR3X777 Let it goooo....and you will find peeth, wherefer you may beeee.
@@aarondavis8943 Seagal does set an awfully low bar.
@@phokit3459 Yes. And a side note: please don't tell Mike I dissed his acting. I don't want my head punched off.
"Yan Jian is crossing the border between North and South Africa" ah yes, the famous border with the 5000 mile wide buffer zone
Do you think maybe it means North and South Sudan? It can't be the whole continent. You have to cross a desert, the fucking jungle and the Savannah to get from one end to the other
This will go over almost every single American's noggin. From its north to its south, if you will.
@@dipdop9734 it doesn't mean anything, because nobody in the production team could even point the african continent on the map, let alone name a country in it
@@justastudent1423 Fair enough
China doesn't care about Africa lol.
The "China Salesmen" seems like a Neil Breen movie with a budget.
But with none of the charm or belief that what they are actually making is groundbreaking art
Neil Been would NEVER sell out to corrupt multinational corporations like that. He needs to set an example for us lesser americans.
I can't believe you committed suicide!
@@nathanshuttleworth7145 neil bean believes that too
Jared Watson I’m hungry.....”takes a deep breath”, I can’t wait for dinner.
28:39
there's no way this stuntman was paid enough for a stunt like that
"I was in an all-black band"
Well, if you were in it then it wasn't all-black, was it?
Or was that during the period of your life when you were black?
The Glimmer Man period
Seeing how many things he claimed to be... would you be surprised, honestly? -_-
He was also Russian and Belarusian apparently, to guy is actually scary mentally insane when you hear him speak and how he believes his own bs
Dude, Mike Tyson’s accent was just 👌🏽
No, it was just Steve and his cousins, each in blackface, playing Motown hits. The name of his group was “An All Blackband of Brothers.
Wonder who’s gonna play Seagal in the movie? We need a biopic STAT, and while Grandmaster Sifu Instructor Comrade Seagal is still with us to give the truth on his early years.
He was a CIA asset in Asia, Aikido instructor in Japan, and before he trained with Ras Al Ghul in Tibet.
Did ya know he was also a reincarnation of multiple Dalai Lamas and Confucius? Bet ya didn’t know that. 🎸🎶 Also an accomplished Blues Legend in his own mind...
why does Steven’s movie voice just sound like a horrible Batman impression
Fat lungs
Urban Batman
He surely doesn't grumble-growl...he mumble-growls. At times it sounds like he's unable to close his lips to form certain sounds. That, and as Test Account noted, fat lungs.
.>
He IS batman. The only deduction I have.
^^
He has a decent voice, likes to sit down, wants to be in media... Why didnt he just become a voice actor. He could have steady work as edgy cartoon bullies or something
Yeah but then no one would see his face! That's his money maker! /s
Tee Luv Same with Alex Jones. That guy can do some amazing voice changes, but instead opts to just scam people into conspiracy theories and destroy his own credibility
He slurs so much, though. And he goes off script. And he can only do one voice and one accent, both of them terrible. And he can't pronounce any word with more than 3 syllables or any foreign word. And he can't project emotions. Plus, there is no stunt double to replace him in the tricky bits. I struggle to think of anything he's good at. I guess he's a chair connoisseur with all the sitting he does.
@@StevePhoenix good point, well explained :)
@@seagullj6476 Yeah.. If he enunciated his words hed be a decent voice actor. I didnt mean the way he spoke, i meant the sound of his voice.
So nobody had the nerve to tell the makers of "China Salesman" that their title doesn't make sense unless the title character is a seller of China. You know, teapots and vases or whatever.
“Brothers and Sisters, let go of your dreams of claiming the ancient kingdom”
This film was brave enough to include a black character with a pro colonialism stance.
He didn’t said claiming he “recover in the ancient kingdom”
I only know this because i searched up the whole scene and rewatched it 37 times laughing even harder every time I watched
He said recover
@@calmgoodfire4662 I mean the point still stands though. The film is just so awfully colonialist. Like it's literally about China conquering Africa's telecommunications and warring with other countries for it. Oh and Africa is divided into North and South Africa, they don't even care enough to give names of the actual countries.
@@nejdalej When I think of North Africa, it's literally an entire subcontinent of Maghrebi Arab countries which spans from Egypt to Morocco, most of the populations aren't even Subsaharan Africans and consisted mostly of between Mediterranean Arabs and Berber mixes
@@nejdalej Mfer WHAT?! Increasing access to telecommunications in Africa is the same as European colonialism which initiated the trans-Atlantic slave trade, resource plundering and mass genocide?! Jesus, the number of upvotes you got is a terrible indicator of how brain rotted so many liberals are.
Steven Seagal Movies is the kind of movies you'd find in a 3-in-1 american action compilation dvd sold in a bootleg pirated dvd vendor on the side of the street wrapped in a cheap plastic wrap for less than a dollar each.
I say that because that's actually how it is where i live
Let me guess... Eres latino verdad?
@@jdn5593 nope, but I'm pretty sure most 3rd world country had something similar lol
Lmao same
my grandmother apparently bought a bootleg dvd from a cop for my third birthday
@@MrBlitzpunk Let me guess, Indonesia ?
Mike Tyson's lisp got worse while trying to fake an "African" accent.
Imagine being Chinese and being referred to as The Great China Salesman. I would be livid.
I deadass thought the film was about him being a salesman of China, as in the type of porcellaine
I thought it was about a guy who actually sells the state of China. Silly me, that would have been mildly interesting.
*thalthman
Peath
21:48
When Ralph asked why the dialogue was echoing I thought he meant as if the room had a bit of reverb. Naw its just straight up echo.
I'm a T'ai chi instructor and that scene of him doing t'ai chi made me spit out my coffee. It would have taken maybe a half hour to teach him how to do those forms correctly, but I'm sure he didn't have that kind of time.
I’m the world’s biggest bullshiter and I have to say he showed very impressive amounts of delusions to the point I think alll he says is
Give me a chair or where’s the 23 year olds at
Gotta spend the rest of his time sitting in a chair 🪑
I mean who cares, right?
It's not like the movie is being weighed down by the incorrect T'ai chi moves.
A proper plot is much higher on the priority list and the movie doesn't even have that
@@THEPELADOMASTER
Right but if you’re gonna marry yourself as a “martial arts expert” you damn well better know your shit.
Ralph has slowly evolved into a kinder, gentler reviewer. I miss the days where he was getting almost assassinated by Disney and tearing apart films.
3:01 begs to differ
I have a lil conspiracy theory that this is the fake Ralph. This is the fuckin synthoid creature Disney made after Ralph and Bruce Willis went into hiding. We’ve seen a fake Ralph before, in the covenant review, so we know it’s possible. This is why he’s more calm in this video. They got R.
I mean last time he was very hard about his review a lot of people completely disagreed with it.
@@nabbyy8392 This channel is becoming more and more like Filthy Frank every video.
??Jesus wtf are you talking about?
Steven seagal looks like someone's drunken uncle who fumbled his way into success thirty years ago and forgot it's not the eighties anymore.
You just described my uncle. My aunt/his wife was the sole beneficiary of two really wealthy relatives, so now he acts like a big shot who made it in life despite doing basically no work for the past three decades.
He's also an alcoholic and morbidly obese. Damn... am I related to Steven Seagal?
22:20 - 23:03
That scene where they keep getting up and fading away is like something out of a comedy. Every time it happens it gets funnier, I wish I knew how to explain why.
I respect that Ralph sat through these films, often cringing, for our entertainment.
We should probably pay for his therapy sessions. PTSD (that bloated word to describe shell shock) ain't a joke. Plus, this is Segal Shock, a much more deadly variant.
Seagal Syndrome. I apologise.
@@krishanuA ralph said he handcuffs himself so he doesn’t slit his throat while watching these
Really did take one for the team!
I watched 15 minutes of this review. I think i deserve respect too. I feel numb.
Is Seagal such a narcissist that the only time he dies in films HE has to be the one to do it?
Executive Decision - kills himself to save people
Machete - stabbed by Trejo, pretty much laughs it off and then finished the job himself
Perfect Weapon - He kills another copy of himself
Definitely on the first one since the initial scene was his head exploding from changing pressure and he held up filming until they changed it to him sacrificing himself.
Yes, he is.
Didn't you see his first film 'Narco'?
What about 'Narc'd For Death' and 'Narc To Kill'?
It's a clever metaphor of him being his own worst enemy.
why's he gotta say VLAHDIHMIHR POOOOTIN like that 😭
speaking perfect english for the whole interview and then dude turns into a gopnik just to say the name
Not even russians say it like that
He is like a joke that never really ends
@@aa11ct9 he is a legend..you are nothing...🙏
lol
Because he's more russian than Putin himself.
I can’t stop laughing at that scene where the editors just digitally placed a still image of Seagals face on a guy half his size riding a motorcycle. 😂😂.
Steven Segal is when a literal neckbeard becomes a movie star
i'm no sure about early life and the first five minutes of his career, but ...yeah... he does fit in the neck beard profile by now. Including the titular trait of utilizing facial hair to obscure the double chin line.
Movie Star -> Neckbeard
I actually developed a running checklist a while ago for a proper later Steven Seagal movie.
1: Fake Cajun accent
2: Gropes a woman (while she is visibly uncomfortable)
3: Shooting glasses
4: Sitting down
5: Flips someone into a table
The intersection between "conservative" American right-wing tough-guy cheap action culture, Chinese neocolonialism in Africa, and Russian "neo-Eurasianism" is both actually scary and HORRIBLY cringe, wow
is there anyone he won't sell out to?
The future is bleak.
No surprise he's alt-right and a police officer tough guy wannabee.
Neo eurasianism?
@@dirrdevil he wants to live up his characters in rl
I love how Steven Seagal has a stunt man to stand up and walk across the room.
I grew up watching Seagal in the 90's. He is the embodiment of the rule, "never meet your heroes".
Especially if Ur a woman
Steven Seagal used to be a bankable action star, I certainly remember him being a big deal. That’s why the state of his ‘career’ now is so funny. Also, his actual life is basically a Neil Breen film.
Problem with him is that he got too full, and also got full of himself. His old action movies are mostly pretty good, if a bit campy.
@@Julius064 full both physically and mentally haha
God, as a kid I'd watch his """good""" movies on tv and even then I'd find him so fucking bad. The guy is bad. He was never good, I don't see what people saw
The man takes himself waaaay too seriously, and has a bad rep among fellow actors as a pain in the arse to work with. He's like the action version of Chevy Chase lol
@@playboymaxim - Yes that’s the perfect description of him!
“Steven Seagal is the key to all of this, if we get him working, because he’s a funnier character than we’ve ever had in any of the movies before.”- George Lucas
The perfect weapon might be the only role he was actually preparing for. Since in real life he hangs out with actual dictators.
They keep referring to certain locations as “Asia” like breh, Asia is big af. WHERE in Asia.
East Asia
@@gaiusjuliuscaesar8450 whereeeee in east Asia 😂
fhfhdkkddkfhdj like just say china whats so hard
@@viol8r southeast asia
@@gaiusjuliuscaesar8450 that is a fictional place
Steven Seagal: The world's least active and least heroic action hero.
I worked on a blues documentary and filmed him for an interview at his house for an entire afternoon. He is the weirdest and lied about everything. Pretty good guitar player at the time, though. Cool story, me.
That must've been so cool! Anything funny that you want to tell here on youtube?
@@HAL-oj4jb Oh yeah! He had a dude washing his cars that looked like a skinny 20 y/o version of himself. In the pre-interview he talked about growing up in China, and then while interviewing him about blues music, he talked about growing up in Detroit. He told us, for religious reasons, he can no longer wear black, but that's not the case, as we can see. There were a few people who would come outside to serve him while we talked (we weren't allowed inside) one of which was a small asian girl who came outside and ducked under the patio table to tie his shoes. This was all while he lived in the outskirts of Memphis, Tn.
Did he practice Tai chi in front of you?
Brian Dotson small Asian girl as in... a child? working in a rich man’s house?
@@TheBrianDotson dude this guy sounds like the Simpsons parody of himself.
All these films should have the same title; The money launder.