The Insane Psychology Of The No Contact Rule
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 18 ธ.ค. 2023
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When it comes to breakups the term “no contact” is everywhere.
Yet, when people talk about the no contact rule there’s a natural assumption that if they do it, their exes are a lot more likely to reach out to them.
Well.... I've found something a bit different... Join me in my latest video as I explore the insane psychology of the no contact rule. - แนวปฏิบัติและการใช้ชีวิต
No contact isnt about getting your ex back its about getting yourself back. If they miss you thats on them you cant controll anyone but you.
Well said
Absolutely
1000% this and it doesn't matter why you started it. It only matters that it gets you to the finish line of healing. Why would you want to be someone's second choice or fall back? Why do you want someone in your life that didn't want you in theirs?
100%
Double edge Sword. If they reach out and you're wanting them, you will make effort to make a conversation with them.
If they come back, you don’t want them back. Best to avoid games with people who have no issue putting a dagger through your heart.
It worked for me. I just focused on myself and after a few months he messaged me with an apology. The apology felt good and I realized I had already forgiven. It was nice to feel peaceful about the whole situation and detach from the person. Realizing he was not a good influence in my life, I blocked him in all my social media so I would not go back to old habits.
NC won’t work if they’re totally done with you , but NC will definitely work for you to become a better version of yourself !!
No one is truly totally done with you especially after un long relationship, you don’t forget about someone and memories by the snap of a finger that’s not how it work
@@matt1yasevery time I use NC it’s when I’m totally done and it allows me to move on .. once I have to do NC I’m in get over it mode so the comment is true all those memories etc etc fade out of your head as a reason to stay and in time never fails over it and if I ever respond to that person again it’s like years later when I’m indifferent to that person or it’s never at all bc during NC you fall in love with different things .
@@themoonbleu627this is such a naive comment.
@@matt1yasfor some people it is, I'm done I'm done, I never think of an ex
@@martiboxwell9680 in what way? I'm not seeing it. He says NC helps them forget them. How is that naive. If he had a limerance problem, he would have an attachment problem. It seems healthy to me. Move on and forget🤔
If you have been dumped, “no contact” is actually respecting the dumpers wishes. So no choice really unless you want to be a stalker or turn your ex off you even more.
This is silly. Guys remain in no contact, don’t run down a guy or girl who broke up with you. I’ve seen more results from not reaching out than reaching out. Less is more.
I think No Contact should not be a manipulation game. I am in No Contact after a breakup when I feel I need t to properly detach, grieve and reorient myself. Not to make the other person feel anything specific. Should they need No Contact in order to have warm feelings for me, that would just be another manifestation of a "relationship" that dosen´t work for me. Obviously, I cannot have healthy closeness to somebody who needs me to disappear for extended periods of time in order to be able to feel his feelings for me.
no contact means, you are accepting their no. and you give them space, because that‘s want they asked for. and you stick to that. I don‘t see manipulation here.
I got mixed up with an avoidant... she made me feel special, gave me tons of affection, etc... then we started talking about a relationship, she voiced concerns, said she'd consider it, and then started limiting my access to her out of fear.. She started seeing other guys to fill the void that I had created in her life. She said one of her insecurities is making people feel a certain way, and then hurting them by not committing or backing out of a commitment...she is scared of getting attached and hurting people, but ends up hurting people by backing off and not committing... and now I'm hurt, doing no contact, and she's only reached out once, and she wants to talk... so it does work, a lot of the time they will reach out after their honeymoon phase of not having any pressure... but be cautious.
My advice, is do not get mixed up with avoidants. When they start expressing their insecurities about commitment and hurting people, back off. And after they've successfully hurt you, don't let them back into your life unless they decide to work on their insecurities and actually commit.
Well, what I mean by making me feel special, is that she treated me like a boyfriend... essentially, she said she'd consider it, and then started being all romantic towards me. Constantly telling me how much she liked and appreciated me, leaning on me in front of others, and spending a lot of one-on-one time with me... so naturally, I pushed her, thinking the answer would be yes... she then started ghosting me, started seeing other guys (and hid me from them, we are at the same university) and she was hiding things from me... essentially, everything was healthy, until I asked for her to consider committing...if she had said no at that point, we would simply be friends. if she said yes, wed be in a healthy relationship.
the bad part is twofold... After that conversation, she acted towards me as if she definitely was going to commit and as if we were dating, and then the worst part came when her avoidant side kicked in. She then got scared, ran off, refused to communicate, ghosted me, and because she missed me, started filling the void with other guys (who she has no plans on committing to either). She admitted all of this to me when I finally pinned her down and asked her why the heck she was so hot and cold towards me, and why she was treating me this way.
She also admitted that she had run away from committed relationships in the past... so she is an avoidant, because she acts towards people in a very warm manner, enjoys the attention and initial romance, but then gets scared of the commitment and runs off. That's where I'm at, and now she wants to talk again. I'm gonna have to turn her down unless she fundamentally changes her issues.@@lisalamphier1410
I mean, you are right in the sense that she's not ready to settle. But it's not that I'm the wrong person (because we are literally amazing together in almost every way), it's that she is so hectic and doesn't know what she wants (ofc, I didn't know this until I pulled it out of her). I'm not upset that she turned me down. I wouldn't even be upset if she said I wasn't someone she was into in that way, and she wanted to see other guys.. I've had girls say this to me, and I respect that kind of honesty...
But no, she's an avoidant type. At one point, she did want me, and acted towards me in that way... all while being unsure of what she wanted (which she didn't communicate to me) making me think she was ready to commit. And then she had a panic attack and made a bunch of hurtful and rash decisions, none of which she communicated to me. She hid things from me, started acting disingenuous towards me, ghosted me, the list goes on... THAT'S where my problem lies with her. Instead of telling me she wasn't ready, or didn't know what she wanted, she decided to be hot and cold without explanation. She decided to hide things from me. I'm sorry, but if you are indecisive, unsure, and scared of a serious commitment... then don't treat someone like you are sure, and then do a 180. You can't have it both ways, so don't try to. She is an awesome person, but this tendency she has (and apparently she has a past of this) is not healthy, and ends up hurting people. She handled the situation completely wrong.@@lisalamphier1410
Yes, I am very hurt... she didn't know what she wanted, but instead of expressing that, she led me along on a fine line, so that she could give me affection and receive my male attention, but back out at any point. and claim "We were never dating." She is apologetic and feels bad now, but at the moment she finally fessed up what was going on, and when I expressed why her acting disingenuous was disrespectful and hurtful, her defensive reaction was to say "I don't owe you anything!" Yes, I am aware of this, I don't need it explained. She is her own person. I am not angry that she turned me down. I am hurt, over the other actions she took to confuse and manipulate me, simply because she didn't know what she wanted, and then to ghost me... and then she says basically what you just said... but now she's sorry and wants to talk... typical avoidant.
Sure, she doesn't owe me anything. That doesn't change the fact that she made hurtful, and wrong decisions. She gave me mixed signals, left me hanging, hid things, and ultimately disappeared, and is upset by the fact that I feel led on, disrespected, and lied to. And like I said, I was trying to date her, I never said she was the right person. We just got along great, and so when she started giving me special attention, I tried to move things along, and that's when everything I've already said started happening. If she isn't willing to mature, make decisions, and commit, then clearly she is the wrong person for me, and good riddance. I don't want to be constantly dealing with that kind of behavior. Even though I miss her, I am looking for a girl who is decisive, clear with me, and is all in on a relationship.
I mean on some points you are technically correct, but I am going to respectfully disagree with anything justifying her actions or pointing to me as the problem. I was nothing but consistent, gracious with her, open, and honest. And this is how I got treated in return. ofc I'm gonna feel disrespected and upset.@@lisalamphier1410
Gotcha. Yeah, I think I understand where you're coming from and I somewhat agree. I apologize if I seemed argumentative, I'm still very raw and I have to explain the situation in detail for people to fully understand. When I started seeing the avoidant definitions and hearing other people's experiences, it was just so relatable to what I went through that I put her in that category. Obviously, she has a complex past and an indecisive personality, which causes her to act this way. She's immature in the ways she treated me, but she is mature enough to talk with me and she feels bad about what she did... what I'm running into now is her apologizing, and hoping that's enough to be in my life again. I'm kinda struggling with what to do about that. But I agree, I think keeping her at a distance, even if it upsets her, is the best thing to do for the both of us. Clearly she isn't gonna work for me if she refuses to be consistent or to finally commit.@@lisalamphier1410
@@braedynhoward3644 I want to say that it's to her credit that she's acknowledging her behavior and apologizing. However, I won't because I'm a cynic. To me, this sounds like classic manipulation. As in, "I'm going to tell you what you want to hear so that you'll continue to give me the attention I want, without me having to invest too much." She'll keep playing this game, as long as you let her. I have a book recommendation for you. It's called Intimate Connections by David Burns. He wrote this book almost forty years ago. If you've never read it, do so. He explains all these manipulations and how to protect yourself from them. (David Burns has a great TH-cam channel as well).
As a former avoidant person, you are 100% correct, especially describing us with the death wheel. Recently, I've done extensive work to make myself secure and will never run again!
If you really did, I commend you, avoidants are such a pain in the rear...
I also seek to never run again. Got any tips for me?
@Leispada It's best to look for a secure and emotionally stable partner who can show you It's safe to be loved and they allow you to take some space from them, even just a few hours and they respect your need for solitude...when a secure partner shows emotional stability , you don't need to have space for too long and you're able to come to them and able to reciprocate their needs in a healthy way. We have to be very observant on who we make as our partners in order to feel vulnerable and safe. We also have to work on recognizing that it's not just about our need for space but also their needs in the relationship as well and if we both respect each other's needs, the push and pull dynamic will be eliminated.
@@ginadiodati1965 i appreciate your response
@ginadiodati1965, but you're relying on someone to give you stability it's only a matter of time.....
Run when you realize someone is an avoidant, have been in 3 relationships with avoidants and they ALL act the same. Spare yourself the pain and effort, you will invest more than they do and will be hurt a LOT more and won't care later on if they breakup with you. They chase all the points of the honeymoon phase and don't want to build a deeper connection, when you hear it doesn't feel like honeymoon phase or say you don't make them feel as such, RUN! They will try and argue then constant hot and cold and will try to drive you crazy, unbeknownst of what they are doing to you as they are DEEPLY self centered people, you don't want such TOXIC people in your life. Send them to the bridge they crawled out of, golem is missing their precious.
No ex that said goodbye to me has ever said hello later. Never.
Same.
Really, I can’t get rid of the buggers. I get ex’s popping up from 20-15yrs ago. I’ve blanked their reach outs for years. Recently I responded to 2 of them saying ‘I would prefer it if they never contact me again.’ That seems to have finally after all this time drilled the message through to those two…..for now at least!
Accidentally used "no contact" on a girl I was seeing that started to talk about how she has OPTIONS and that she can't see me because she got other dudes she's more interested in. Said "fine, hope it works out for you" and moved on with my life, stopping to contact her. 3 weeks later I got a sob story how she was sorry about saying those things and she just wanted to make me more involved etc... sadly I was already more involved with someone else. She lost me. The no contact was merely me accepting that she is not interested, as she told me. Don't play fking mind games, it always backfires.
W boss, I look up to you and respect your choice for self dignity.
I suspect she got rejected by her first choice!
Man, good for you on letting go. They do play those games hoping you will chase, but the question is if that would REALLY have the effect of making her want to stay with you.
Also, what likely really happened was she meant what she said and was disappointed with the other options she was throwing in your face. In other words, the grass was NOT greener.
Always go no contact, even if the person leaves. You kinda want them to leave so you know who will fight for you.
He asked for space/freedom and I gracefully gave that to him.
90 days later, we saw each other at a social event. He was trying to flirt and engage, but I was indifferent. But that night opened contact- I'd casually reach out once a month with a generic hello. Another 90 days of limited contact went by, and now we're seeing each other again. It's better this time around, but I'm a different person now. I'm very cautious and have dialed it way down, which seems to have given him the space to step forward.
he wants "space" and "freedom"... lol. make sure you're seeing other men as well. men tend to think they can do better solely because they got someone like YOU. then they leave YOU for someone they think is better. and realize that you were the foundation of their self esteem and now have to make *her* that. which is a tenuous MO, to say the least.
the male ego is a massive and fragile thing.
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 thank you. There's no one better than me. But he can do worse because that's easier. I'm not interested in other men, and I'm not pursuing him or pushing for anything with him. I'm living my happy life and open to what comes next.
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 Some men may think like that, but I'm not one of them.
all you want from him is his attention and validation. poor guy, he should run for the hills and focus on other women.
@@robicelus Yes of course
I thought the no contact rule was to help you get over them, and nothing else🤔
It is but it's being marketed as 'get your ex back'.
The rule is for healing not games. People who play games with avoidants and narcissists will lose.
It’s so you shift the focus on yourself. So you’re better for the next relationship.
No contact gives me a chance to think, cry and hopefully get over a dead-end relationship
No contact is forever. Looking to contact them after a period of a specific time is being manipulative. Your focus shouldn’t be on what tactic to use to get them back, it should be focused on moving on and growing. They chose to leave, let them go, grieve and move on. After you’re done with the healing process and have actually moved on to better things , only then you can decide what’s best for you. If and when they reach out it’s then your choice to let them back in.
If you don't want to manipulate people , don't try to seduce them. People refuse to admit that seduction includes manipulation because you have to convince them to be with you while they didn't want this at first .
The reason why it works the most on the avoidant personality style is because it's generally the personality style most associated with a narcissist. Narcissists always want to be the ones to dump you, and when they circle back around after you implement no contact, it's called "hoovering." It's short-lived, though, and they never genuinely miss you as a person.
It's a dumb rule for other people.
I did NC for about 2 weeks on my ex (I left her then 2 months later tried to get her back, to which she said she wasn't sure and needed to think)
And she essentially told me when I reached out after the 2 weeks :
" You broke my heart for 2 months when you left and then when you tried to come back and I said I wasn't sure you didn't do anything else to show me it would be different. You didn't take me out , you didn't call, you didn't text)
When I told her I wanted her back and she said she she needed time to think I immediately said something like "ok, you know where I am " and then went NC
She was further upset by the fact I went another 2 weeks without contacting her after I had already went 2 months.
Overall, women heal and move on faster than men. If you give women say, 3 months, that is 3 months to you but to a woman that is 5 or 6 months. They move on way faster. There's also the aspect of in multiple months her friends might set her up, she might meet someone.
Point 2: women are generally much less proactive toward men than men are toward women. Men are (at first) the pursuers. They have to chase and get the girl in the first stages. Then it becomes more the woman's bit to chase.
So there's a good chance she simply won't ever reach out just due to women's nature of being less proactive and more reserved.. thinking in the same way they do 99% of the time...which is to let the guy do the work
And then you're left with the haunting feeling of you should've done something .
I would much rather go for what I wasn't and love and fight for it and get rejected than sit back for 3 months and do nothing while she completely moves on with her life and makes me a memory.
@@urdadshusband781 I think it's more of the attachment style you are as to whether you move on quicker or not. I'm a female and it takes me quite a while to get over a relationship. I won't date for months or years after one dissolves.
1. attachment is NOT personality. 2. ALL insecure attachments are moderately associated with PDs. Meaning a pd is likely to be insecurely attached NOT that an insecurely attached probably is PD. Do the math, PDs are very small %of pop. Insecure attachments make up anywhere between 40&60% of pop. Soo A very small % of avoidants and anxious might be narcissistic pd or bi-polar, not the majority of them. Therefore by your own admission NC would not work on most avoidants, only the handful of PDs. So why are people employing strategy that only attract PDs? And why are so many 'coaches' encouraging it?
@mk9199 I was specifically talking about the avoidant, not the fearful or the anxious just the avoidant in general. Basically, the ones that lack empathy. They are definitely out there!
@@1991windsoryes narcissistic PD exist, they exist in all attachment styles including avoidant and there is conflicting data on whether more likely in da fa anx or even secure and if the difference is significant just not enough consistent data and good studies to conclusively say. Narcissistic PD are a very very small % of avoidants overall as they are very very small % of population over all. If these threads are to believed 2/3 of people are narcissists which is clearly bs.
Avoidants have empathy, they have trouble expressing emotionally, again do the math 20-30% general population estimated as avoidant attachment. Maybe 3-5% of general population cannot feel empathy (anti-social, psychopathic and so forth). Inability to express is not the same as inability to feel.
This is the perfect video for no contact...explained perfectly! Especially the part when they said no contact is for you to outgrow your ex...perfect 😉
If he ghosts me...i dont chase...he comes back everytime, blows up my phone etc... but always ghosts again when there is a slight issue with anything. No contact forever is the only way to stop the rollercoaster of false promises and pipe dreams from a man who just tests to see if he can get access to me again with some words. He always beggs me to start again, hes sorry etc...but he does it again anyways and i really dont trust him anymore. 7 years in and out, off and on is enough. Im tired af of the avoidant bs. I used to be anxious attached...now idgaf anymore 😂 like me or dont but the moment you step out of my life, there is no coming back.
There was a quote on social media that soulmate isnt about the person being perfect but showing you your weaknesses to change etc, and improve....So maybe people need to realize that they contribute to each other progress. :)
Take it with humor.
Say the weaknesses with humor but also take them lightly, and change it. :)
But of course, for a relationship, both should have similar hobbies and interests, to be compatible.
You have hit it perfectly, my ex was an avoident, we broke up about 40 times in 4 years, I would get the blame and she would leave and come back. I'd work on myself and she would get triggered when I ask to live with her.. or asked about being engaged lol, this time rho she's fone for good! She made sure I can't contact her this time so I worked on myself. I love life now and met someone who I'm getting to know who is actually better in every way.
This totaly makes sense. I use No contact when a relationship has ended, to reflect and better myself for a more secure relationship with a future partner. if the ex uses the no contact for the same reason and you happen to see each other by accident, some months later, then it may very well work as you were each others future partner but both of you needed to do some work on yourselve before serious commitment.
It is bad never known who using it, because I’m using it or my platonic or I’m using manifested my mind. I am trying to work things hard, I will see if she and I work out.
I’m actually bit anxious and getting to secure. I as well end coffee over a month.
This is a good analysis. Thank you
Superb vid . I’ve watched hundreds .
When I go NC, I want to be left alone, I don't ever want to hear from my ex again. I'm protecting my personal safety and sanity. I found it really scary when he took no contact as a challenge and decided to stalk my house to intimidate me.
Really good video Chris!
When someone breaks up with you and clearly tells you "I want no further contact with you", that doesn't mean you're just doing a temporary break. It means they're DONE. I think these videos are failing to specify whether a time period has to be communicated to the one being dumped. And if it isn't, then what do you assume? In my case, in pretty sure it means forever. I wouldn't try to figure out if it's 30, 60, 90 days... Once a person tells you this, take it at face value and be done.
The problem with avoidants is they are habitual liars. They believe what they say, but they don't do it. So if they say "I need some space... I will be good soon. I will be back." it often means "I'm done with you. I have to crawl back into my cave and will never let YOU get in anymore". BUT they don't read it like that themselves. They just avoid conflict and intense feelings AT ALL COSTS.
Usually they come back and that doesn’t mean they’re really “DONE”
@@xannecorinnex not done with breaking us completely...
They've ALL reached back out to me.... But I wasn't doing it hoping they'd reach back out... I actually didn't care if they did reach out or not...some I accepted their advances and some I didn't accept their advances....
Really well made video!
Loved the video my friend. Keep it up!😊
Thank you so much 😁
@@chrisseitercoaching They think it is always the other person who has to make changes
they dont realize that they contribute to it by not changing themselves.
If they change habits they meet the person with the same values.
They find the perfect person by becoming perfect.
It's like trying to put imperfect ingredients on a perfect cake.
The cake with a perfect foundation, needs a perfect filling, to make it work.
Chris, these are excellent !!!Wondering if you have videos on how this works with friendships and not just couples even though in many ways they are still applicable. Thanks.
There is NO protocol, it's just a guidance & one has to be street smart.
No contact actually means , DO NOT PURSUE
Way to throw Matt and Lee in your videos 😅. And to those questioning NC, yes it works but only when you work on bettering yourself in the process.
Exactly as Lucie Bílá sings in her new song "Life is a party"
The song is called Nebudu se držet spátky/ I won´t hold back.
Her boyfriend is younger. He followed her , she told him to go away, hold back but they became happy couple. He wrote he loves her good heart she is a queen.
Worked for me everytime, but this definitely was a good video because this definitely described my ex
"worked"... wow. you're a manipulative person. no contact is for peace and safety, not for trying to get others to do things.
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969i think you’re overthinking this
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969your weirdo it’s worked as in it’s effective stop projecting
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969lot of very manipulative immature people in these threads. complete lack of insight into themselves and always playing victim and vilifying ex. It's gross
It makes a lot of sense. If someone has taken something for granted that is always there, if you take it away then they will start to miss it and appreciate it more.
That is of course if they truly appreciated it in the first place.
I have found no contact rule works not as a mind game, but as giving both parties a honest time of quiet reflection about the connection.
From my experience, the no contact rule depends on an individual's patterns. My ex has reached out every 90 days or 3 months for the last several times, over the course of two years. She still refuses to be friends. 😆
This
Exactly the same 😂 but sometimes is less than 90 days for my fearful avoidant ex to come back
NC is not for them. It’s for you to choose to move on and heal. If you expect them to come back, you will back to zero from moving on. Build a wall to make you healthy. Journal, Therapy and join a community fitness will help you to build yourself.
The no contact rule shouldn't matter anyway if they are an avoidant or narcissistic. Or any type of toxic emotionally unavailable person, so again. Don't worry about the no contact rule. It's cool to get them to come back to you. Utilize the no contact rule to get the toxicity out of your life.!
Yeah it’s a bunch of crap. I agonized over two weeks avoiding all sites he’d be on etc. (im an anxious and he’s a fearful avoidant) I gave him plenty of space. I waited. And then realized it’s him waiting for me to reach out because he was scared I had moved on. I cautiously sent a few messages. Waited. He wrote back. It’s a dance. He gets closer. And instead of the no contact junk, reminded him I care for him. I reminded him I love him no matter what and I’m not going to abandon him. We are now slowly working on texts, video chats etc. I love him so I went with my intuition, not no contact nonsense. Thank you soooooo much for calling this out. Much appreciated ❤
@@Rey_d_youtube actually today he texted that he’d like to see me in person and wanted to exchange presents and chat. So I’m hopeful we are going to see each other in person in the next few days.
@@Rey_d_youtube yeah when there is lying and mistrust it’s hard to build from there. You should never have to wonder if they are with other people. You deserve a loyal person who when you do argue, it’s in a healthy way. I’ve learned over time the hard way. If she comes around and changes her ways, I always feel giving people a chance is grace and we all deserve that. But it’s always up to you. Good luck!
My ex blocked me everywhere after i reached out to him thinking we r good after a fight. I fight the urge to talk him every single day. I know he s never coming back, we were gonna get married and he was my first. Im literally dying inside that i had to go to a psychiatrist.
I'm not seeing "no contact" as a driver for them to seek me. I need to never see them again.
This is the best video on a no contact I have ever watched.
Thank you so much!
But, how does the “No contact rule” work if the couples in question live together? I don’t see anything that explains how to deal with an avoidant partner if you’re living in the same house as your partner. How would that work?
The same thing I think happens when a partner requests a break or space without giving a timeframe. Messing with an ex partners emotions will always comeback tenfold and get you. You’re either in it or you’re out and you can’t get back what you gave up on.
Brother, you asked primarily women, men behave differently, no contact is not about exes reaching out, it´s about protecting yourself and get better.
No contact means you are able to respect other people’s boundaries. This is a must in a respectful society.
how can we be sure if avoidant disappears or when he needs alone time that he is not making excuse?? what if he is cheating? this has been on my mind when avoidant bf suddenly becomes moody or need alone time. he disappeared for a wk including christmas. i didnt nag him. he just contacted me after a wk to tell me he is sorry for not reaching out that he is ok now. to my frustration, i didnt reply.
he greeted me happy new yr and i said happy new yr too. he just liked my reply and we never talked again. i think he doesnt really want me anymore. so than me asking whats wrong. i just kept quiet. i am exhausted. he was very loving for 2 yrs and kind evrn if he was anxious. he changed
After 1 week of No Contact my ex came crawling back. It's all about how you respond when they finally reach out. Know your worth!
And look at how you speak about them, 'crawling' back like they are some kind of pitiable worm. Who's the one being devalued here?
You should have zero self respect if you want a man, who cheated on you or who dumped yu lie a trash into a trash bin. No contact rule is - that you never take them back, that's it.
If you are a dismissive avoidant
For the love of God get help.
Please stay away from us normal secure attachment people.
Most people on these threads are anxious not secure, completely lack insight into themselves and their relationships and own behaviours. And almost none have developed self acceptance and resilience which is what they should be working on rather than fixating on an ex they can't get over and using NC to manipulate their ex into coming back.
If your not secure within yourself maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship irrespective of attachment style.
For me ..after being told it's over I went no contact...after 2 weeks she texted me to get back...but I felt it would not fix everything that happened the last time we met. I reminded her of everything that happened and was met with anger...and now it's been dead silent.
There is a certain dishonesty to these head game strategies… you need to step back regardless if these type of problems exsist… problem with that is communications is the key to working out any problems so it’s kind of contradictory… sit down with your opposite look them in the eye, be honest, and decide what is best for each of you
I am not sure I’m using it or she uses it? What if one of us are using and try to see one of us reach out. That you said 21 days, I didn’t reach out and bit anxious and getting into secure like my brother. I know my tricks, because I got my supporter, my nephew. He never lets me down.
It has worked every time I've tried it, but yeah, I'll just go ahead and ignore that.
No contact has only ever lead to more no contact in my experience… and they were all DA’s.
Holy crap, great
is it as effective if you told your ex you’ll be blocking them everywhere? He wanted to be friends, i told him i would reach out for that when i was ready
Majority of relationship are not meant to be, but people always get into it thinking of them as the exception.
Yup... He definitely tried the request a dollar after I wouldn't respond !!!
Man this resonates with me. My gf and I were together for about 9 months when she abruptly broke up with me in January bc she thought we should be in love. Then after more than 2 months apart we got back together. I chased at first then went no contact and she reached after only 11 days. Then we had 7 amazing months, fell in love and she started thinking we could be it for each other then after a not so great 3 day group trip to Nashville in early November (5 couples in all) she broke up with me again claiming she felt we were in a back slide the last month and was hoping the trip would bring us closer. She said a bunch of nit picky stuff like didn't I feel her pulling away? Which she wasn't. So he avoidant tendencies are there. Currently I'm on day 14 of no contact and even though she told me there's no hope (just as she did the first breakup) I still have some hope even if it's not a lot. My take is the minute she started thinking that we could be it for each other, that she got scared and looked for reasons why it couldn't work. We're both 47 she's been divorced for 9 years or so and he's bipolar has 2 teens that I was great to. Her family and friends loved me. I was there for every event all spring summer and fall and did so much to make her feel special but she ended it again very abruptly for some nit picky stuff leaving me heart broken.
This already looks like a cycle. Good luck.Dont be hard on yourself. She should probably seek help or do some work on herself for it for it to work.
@movingsaudade6028 yeah agreed she should do work on herself but she just says "I want someone to meet me where I'm at" I'm like ok where's that? You can't communicate your wants and needs or when something is bothering you so good luck but I still love her and want to work things out
That’s what avoidant do. They nitpick and flaw find to have excuses for run away, no matter how minor of an issue it was.
You’re both 47? From 1 dude to another, there should be a 2 in front of that 7. Wine & produce my man.
I'm on the same situation rn.😅
Would you really want someone back when they’ve been with other people during the no contact? I wouldn’t.
Can you do a video on how to back off from an avoidant...just enough to make them a life long friend, while peraonally letting go romantically and moving onto another relationship?
I’d say if you go “no contact,” an overt narc is more likely to call you 30 times in a day and a covert narc is more likely to stalk you online or possibly hack your accounts.
It's been almost 100 days and no word at all
just broke no contact after a week😢I def feel so weak now…but I did the best I could bc I have bpd so it’s really hard for me to go no contact for more than a month
No contact is the best thing you can do, but don't put ur happiness on the line based on the ex coming back or not, do it for yourself. They might come back and might not, but for some reason it feels better when you do it. You are letting that person who broke up with you deal with the consequences. It makes u feel you are in power again. Even if its doing nothing to your ex, the beauty in it is that u don't know what ur ex is doing or how they're feeling. No Contact is harmless unless you tie hope to it. if you do no contact for 5-6 month, u might forget about ur ex then no contact becomes the norm. OR she might actually contact you.
No Contact is for your own piece of mind especially if you were on the receiving end of a discard. Move on don't look back.
it just makes me wonder if they happen to see another ex while doing NC… would it also apply and they may reach out to them too?
I had a breakup 3 weeks ago, and we haven't been in contact at all. It definitely makes me miss her more than I ever did when we were involved. But in my case, I have some pretty rational reasons why the breakup was a good idea, so even with my feelings of missing her, I don't think it will lead me to try to get her back.
If a person breaks up with you, you leave them alone, it's just the mature thing to do.
But if they are already with someone else and cheated on you.
It works if you were in a meaningful relationship especially years.
Geez, people. No contact is for you, to focus on yourself. Don’t expect any outcome. You can only control yourself. You can’t change how people see you.
I don't understand this "rule." If I tell you not to contact me, I mean it. I'm done.
The background music is making it hard for me to follow your content. Could you please consider a more gentle sound or perhaps no sound at all?
I'm implementing the no contact rule for the rest of my life with this person
Has any fearful avoidant (after 12m amazing relationship then split ref: dark place/job/money/anxiety issues)
do they ever reach out and what did they say?
And how hard/easy was it to ignore the messages?how do you know when to respond or not?
When they want to meet up? When they apologise?
Do they ever reach out to apologise?
How does it happen?
After a week of hard NC both sides, I asked him to drop off some of my stuff (on the doorstep btw - so easier).
Then he started messaging-miss you/not the same/didn’t think it through etc and giving me updates on his daily life.
I stick to fairly emotionless short answers, yes/okay/yes it was a long time/ or I give a thumbs up emoji.
I have moved on emotionally and been on a couple of dates for therapeutic reasons which is only reason I can continue the messaging charade.
And I don’t respond to them all. I left one for a day unread then he deleted it- then told me ‘that thing I messaged earlier just sth personal, I shouldn’t be sending you messages like that’ with a sad face emoji.
🤷♀️
I assume he’s either regretting but too embarrassed to fight for us OR he thinks he’s still got me with this messaging and is taking the ##
I think it’s so they don’t have to feel guilty about breaking up with you and it’s maddening. It’s psychological abuse.
It's so manipulative. Just focus on yourself and do what's right for you.
As a fearful avoidant I want to just stop by and say thank you for providing great content. I'm also want to say sorry to everyone I have hurt in the past. Hurt people hurt people. I'm working on healing myself so that I won't hurt anymore, either myself or people around me.
Peace out! ✌️
The best advice is : if he would he could. This is exhausing - waiting for someone, non-contacting, crawling, waiting them to mature, backing off - if it works it just works, if not - it never will🎉
It’s just like alcohol. It you don’t drink you won’t get drunk..
When I’ve initiated no contact and my ex sends me a TH-cam video on Messenger (without comment, just the video link), should I break no-contact and respond, or should I wait for her to actually call or text me?
supposed to block the numbers and profiles and not see them or talk to them at all.
Forever is my contact rule. If you dump me the cost is never feeling my presence in your life again. You’re dead to me.
Jesus dude lmao
For me i cut ties,not expecting her to contact or chase me...period!
HE WASN'T AN EX. MORE LIKE AN ANOMALY. AN ILLUSION OF SOMEONE WHO LOVED BOMBED ME BRIEFLY. PLEASED ME SEXUALLY, THEN WOULD DISAPPEAR FOR DAYS ON END. HE WOULD ALWAYS COME BACK THOUGH. THE LAST WAS NO CONTACT FOR 2 MONTHS. TRIED TO HOOVER ME THE OTHER DAY, BUT I IGNORED HIM. HE IS NO LONGER AN ILLUSION!
Im post 3 months breakup and 36 days into NC after she told me to force my self to move on and stop texting her, but also said she still loves me but know that we are not getting together...
i so splitted about should i reach out or wait,..
Move on and grow
Move on.Think about it.If they really wanted you back right now, would they tell you to move on? In their right mind no.
Maybe they'll want you back some time in the future, but right now, they don't . Move on like your life depends on it.
@@movingsaudade6028 iknow, its so hard for me to accept the fact that she dosnt have the love for me that she have showed me. we really thought both that we where gonna get married and get kids etc
I have something similar. She told me the same things. Keep in mind, I fucked up big time. I begged. I chased. I cried. All of that pushed her away. I chose to do no contact. However, as things played out, I had a lot of internal work to do. In my second round of no contact, I worked on myself, and I still do, big time. The dust settled, negative feelings toned down, I felt ready to let her go, i felt way more confident ,and I reached out. This is all in the context of being together for two years and having a deep, genuine connection before our breakup. We're having positive conversations now. We're giving each other some space to reflect, feel and process our emotions, organize them in paper, and respond like emotionally mature adults. We're not fighting. We're talking about our Self-improvement and the breakthroughs we had. We're throwing jokes in here and there. Talking about great memories. However, there is still a lot of work to do. No contact was for me. I had a bunch of shit i had to address.Doing it to get her back the first time served no purpose because I was still the same person, it was manipulative (let's be honest), and there was still animosity from the break up.
If we don't end up getting back together, the fact that I'm making so many improvements in myself, will still be a victory in my book. It has to be genuinely for you and you shouldnt have any contact until you're ready to lose them without any bitterness. That's the standard I used.
No contact has worked for me many times, but always 3 months or there abouts. When they came back, I had actually moved on and wasn't pinning over them anymore.
so you saying you give them 3 months tops?
@nazjamarjackson7390 No. I wasn't doing no contact to get them back. I was doing no contact so I could leave them behind and move on. As far as I was concerned, the relationship was truly over, so, to me, it was like a "detox" period and not a tactic to get them back. Maybe that's why it worked? They just happened to come back after 3 months or there abouts.
@@lucianadosanjos4070 almost 3 months for me I don’t think I want someone who could go that long without talking to me I have to tell myself that it’s over so I can move on
It might work, but who would want to bee with someone, that are willing to manipulate them?
It’s not manipulation…why would someone stalk someone who told them they don’t wNf them ? The adult thing to do is give someone what they want. U wanna leave my life then I’ll be gone
@@yamomma5053 maybe I misunderstood. To me it sounded like the purpose was to get someone back by ignoring them, not giving them what they want.
@@SuperBjankathe goal is to become the best version of yourself so when you reunite the relationship is stronger. It’s interesting how people are all for saving marriage but not breakups. 😏
@@jenniferbyrne4567 the purpose don't change the action.
I think you properly explain the Enneagram
Interesting. But after that what?and when they text do you also have to wait. The never ending game.
So stop playing, you broke up, get over it. This game playing is not healthy for you as a person and a relationship in general. Work on your anxiety and becoming more comfortable within
it sounds that people are trying to use no contact as a game to get someone back and this isnt its purpose its actually about walking away from toxic behaviour and realise you dont need that. in the no contact rule you would never go back. at some point in your life people you went no contact will try come back even if its years later.
I dated this girl once that wanted me to chase her so she tried doing no contact, i took it as low interest and moved on.
No time for games or manipulation. Communication is key. People need to learn to communicate.
THING IS! Sometimes all you can do is to move on (no contact). If the person doesn't come after you. It's OVER.
Right?! They dumped you. It is over. Who the hell would want someone that rejects them?
@@jaydub7386 Crawling back to a relationship would only lead to further rejection. Ain't even about wanting, it just ain't possible.
What if the ex contacts you with something like Happy Easter?
So if theyre always chasing honeymoon phase… how do we get them back than? ….
When you become more secure they naturally become more secure and stop chasing the highs.
Hye there i am lesbian . my girl broke up with me 2 months ago.i begged her but she walked out i kept texting her for a month finally i gave up.she started to text me. She said can we be friends i refused.i decided to go no contact but she texts me at day 10 telling me about random things in her life.i dont know what she wants.i dont want to ask her again to get back because i dont know whats going on inside her head. All suggestions are welcome
She’s lonely and want a set of ear to listen to her, maybe even to listen about her dates. I have done this where I wanted my ex to listen and talk to. It’s called being a user. 😢
No contact is for YOU and your mental health. Not theirs. If your ex comes back from you going no contact, she’s either a narcissist or a borderline, and you didn’t do no contact right.
No contact is time to heal, for me I couldn’t take anymore evil, kicked him out. He was out to kill steal destroy hurt me punish. The evil has no end.
Your lucky to get out alive, you are dealing with a demon. No matter how much you give and do it’s never enough. They want you to suffer damage yourself for them either way it’s impossible to talk reason pay for everything Do everything in the relationship they are slandering you saying you are what they are.
These PBU Recovery YTs are taking advantage of so many broken hearted people.
PBU being Post Break Up.
No Contact, Manifestation, Ghosting, and even those Two-Connected Minds BS.
They're all pointless because I was a mess early 2023 and watched them all.
Whatever the case may be, it's best to give as much closure as possible then move on.
If that isn't possible: h*ck 'em and start focusing on a healthier lifestyle - Your Future.
Why? They ain't coming back and you wouldn't want them to come back.
The best place to start: GET OFF SOCIAL MEDIA! NOW.
The rest is up to you.
If it doesn't work all that well try dumping the Star Wars sweatshirt