The Moment An Avoidant Realizes They Lost You (THIS Will Happen)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 ม.ค. 2024
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Today we're going to dive in to the psychology of an avoidant. Specifically as it relates to the exact moment they feel like they've lost you.
Relevant Quotes From The Video:
“Avoidants often wake up long after a relationship has gone stale, having forgotten all those negative things that annoyed them about their partner. They wonder what went wrong and reminisce longingly about their long-lost love.”
“Avoidants often convince themselves that they have a true longing from someone from their past or that the right person is just around the corner. They embrace the notion of a “perfect partner” this constant need for a perfect partner leads to this ideal of a “phantom ex.” - แนวปฏิบัติและการใช้ชีวิต
What really helped move on from my avoidant ex just after 2 months of no contact is the realization that I did my best during the relationship. I have grown as a man and undertstood so much about myself and I am proud of the man who I was in the time when we were together. The fact that they don't appreciate you is not your fault. Be a better version of yourself and most importantly find the moments that make your proud. After a little bit of time you lose the care about if they will come back or not.
I definitely agree with you.
Accurate
Is the answer to simply avoid the Avoidant?? I’m starting to think this way.
@@Lion-qi8ej My problem wtih this is that at the beginning you can't tell if someone is an avoidant can you?
I'm a week away from the 2 month mark of no contact. Each day for the past 2 weeks it's gotten easier and easier. Right now, I'm kind of at the point where even if she were to reach out to apologize for how she sabotaged us, I'm honestly not even sure if I would want to continue talking to her after an apology from her.
I think avoidant people see you as an object on the shelf, they want you to be there when it suits them
*stunted
Amen x
Exactly
I felt like a display of shoes in the closet and he chooses to wear those that are the most comfortable which is not me.
how is an avoidant different from a plain old user (player)?
I'll just add, any of us over 35 and dating, the pool is filled with avoidants!
Absolutely on point
Yes! It’s so disheartening tbh
I'm sorry but why would a man want to meet a 35 year-old woman and start a relationship when her "time is almost up" in terms of the woman 's biology.
Yes, there are ABSOLUTELY exceptions, but that's why those women are called exceptions.
Plenty of women 35+, myself included, enjoy younger men for fun. Full circle.
@@Ohboycommentsectionfor fun? I am 19 she is 28 I was 18 and she was 27 when we met. Age wise I’m absolutely capable physically and mentally to associate and do not actively engage in society’s standards. Point being is, is that all older women want? Nothing serious? Just fun? Is that how little older women think of themselves? Is that how far as a society we have come
@@risevision1080not what all the women wants, but what society and internet considers “normal”. I don’t agree either, but unfortunately people will judge an older woman with younger man…
80% Because avoidants don’t watch or engage with relationship content. They’re avoidant. Anxious attachment people are the ones scouring the internet for relationship information.
As an Anxious learning Secure I hate how called out I feel right now haha.
Preach sister 🎉
@@wdrumz rel
We are afterall the problem solvers
@@PhilipTheHunter as sb leaning avoidant, I can attest that problem-solving can be another sneaky alley of escaping emotional vulnerability, so I think we also tend to embrace this attitude, yet possibly in a more cerebral way(?) and likely creating more problems on the way, if not keeping ourselves in check
It really angers me how some people are more sympathetic towards avoidants than they are to their victims. Avoidants are emotionally abusive relationship partners.
Avoidants aren’t worth the confusion or wasted time. I suggest AVOIDING them at all costs.
Once you can regulate your emotions and get grounded, you can see what a waste of time they are, we just get sucked in by the emotional trauma of the ghosting and hot/ cold- I recently reconnected with the avoidant after couple of months no contact, he came over and I was sitting there looking at him thinking “ I’m not even into this guy”- I was just hooked before because of the trauma bonding and emotional distress
Yes
....like a bioweapon....their as destructive as a bioweapon.
@@jenbodhi1133 He came over? So he's not avoidant then. My guy doesn't come over, he can't manage anything.
@@EnzoIsabella Guess you're no picnic either. Good heavens
not if you want to exploit your partner because you are emotionally immature and want to call that love. Good luck with that.
I have told my ex avoidant not to write me again even as friends. No one has ever emotionally saturated me this way, or made me feel like her. It’s absurd how much they can hurt you with their ghosting, lack of empathy, rudeness, etc.
The lack of communication is something I didn’t know was possible
Yes! It’s ridiculous! He ghosted and blocked me, then after a month, he texts saying he’s scared of getting attached and he’s falling in love with me. Make it make sense! It’s driving me insane 😖
@@krystal711same situation here, I’ve asked to be left alone now, I don’t feel the same about him anymore because I cant respect him for this ghosting and silence, he seems like a selfish spoiled brat to me now and not a man
@@jenbodhi1133 exactly!!!
Mine is almost 62 years old, married for only 6 years 22 years ago, and can't keep a relationship. I shared a trauma with him (over the phone), and he seemed genuinely concerned, then the day after when I saw him he was all uncomfortable, judgmental and cold. He left the next morning for an appointment, made a remark about us "We ARE getting to know each other", and walked out. I have't heard from him since. We were dating for almost 5 months, and talking about spending more than 2 nights a week with each other (I assumed we were getting close). I think the trauma I shared with him wan't the problem inasmuch as maybe he felt emotionally triggered because he "felt" something and heard the vulnerability in my voice, then panicked because he's not used to feeling emotionally close with anyone. So, he used it as an excuse to essentially call me nuts (the trauma was from 2017. BTW, I tested as having a Secure Attachment style). The ghosting at the end is hurtful, especially since they're the ones who are messed up.
@@jenbodhi1133I feel the same about my avoidant ex, spoiled brat and a giant coward
It's really called figure your sh!t out and communicate. You want companionship and love and trust then you must be willing to give it as well.
As experts or pediatricians etc say if the little baby is taken away from the mother at this very early age, for example for some limited time.
the baby´s brain experiences a shock, afraid of not being fed, not being loved, nurtured etc...
You as an adult dont remember these early stages of life but your subconscious mind (original brain) remembers it because
the brain is the subconscious mind
the subconscious mind works 95 percent a day
and the subconscious mind works the same way as a computer program.
So as you grow older the subconscious mind tries to protect you from any harm that looks negative on the surface.
But the subconscious mind doesn't see under the surface of it, because it's just a "software" program.
The conscious mind can see the positive things, but it works only 5 percent a day.
Conscious mind is very positive, loving creative.
So in adulthood, you have to reprogram these bad habits that were put in your mind in the stage of life when the brain and subconscious mind was growing and developing, without conscious input.
because children's brains is in state theta at age 0 to 7, and theta means imagination and hypnosis. So kids can not analyze the information to reprogram it, only adults can do it, by some techniques.
They are willing to give it but they are not aware of the subconscious thoughts, that they earned in childhood.
People are not aware of 95 percent of their thoughts.
They have 60 000 thoughts a day but they are aware only of 100 thoughts a day.
However, they may reprogram subconscious thoughts by practicing meditation or deciding to regularly listen to some mindful podcasts.
Learn how the subconscious mind works.
Also practicing metacognition, helps you to observe the unwanted subconscious thoughts and change them.
You are nota ble to notice 60 000 thoughts day, because the subconscious mind processes 40 million bits of data per second and the conscious mind has very positive thinking but its very slow processor processes only 40 bits of data per second.
Therefore people are not aware of bad habits, unless they start practicing mindfulness, love empathy, gratitude metacognition, mediation etc.
@@S.J.P. trust me, I get that but people have to make the changes if they want the love or relationship. It's quite hurtful to themselves and others if they keep the same cycle over and over. Especially when they finally find someone that genuinely cares and loves them for who they are.
It’s impossible to be in a relationship with these people
@@jenbodhi1133right whoever they get with will go through what we did
So sad.
My dad is avoidant so let me tell u:
They end up alone.
No worries. ❤
Yipe
The point is, avoidants are people who "avoid". Why invite someone who's entire personality is designed to avoid you. Leave them the f*** alone. And for avoidants who think they still deserve love while avoiding love, bro do you not see the problem here? You may move on from your ex by doing rebound and shit but you ain't moving on from yourself unless you heal. All you are doing is hurting others and yourself. Get a therapy and heal whatever core wounds y'all carrying and stop traumatizing normal people.
Exactly
Most avoidants will not look in the mirror.
Love is caring about other people and accepting them for who they are. Not controlling them, trying to change them, ignoring their interests when they try to share them with you, or having expectations that go against their desires. It is all of the latter that avoidants attempt to avoid. If you truly love someone and act out of it, it is likely to be effortless.
When you get with someone love the person, not an ideal you have of them.
Who told you you're normal? Doesn't sound like it. Stop blaming other for you decisions
a WORD
Yes and after they contact you again and try to bond again if you say yes sooner or later, the toxic pattern comes back and here you are crying again because they break you by leaving you and pulling away. So my best advice is to not get attached to avoidant people until they heal themselves and it’s their responsibility to do so. So heal yourself, don’t heal this person and move on with your life where you’ll find someone secure who will love you and who will not be afraid to show you how much they love you
Amen
Good advice ❤
but how would you know they’re healed? after all, most of them start showing off as if they’re secure
Avoidants are very similar to narcissists, the two might have different intentions but the outcome is just the same: They leave you when they've had their fill.
Both lack empathy, both abrupt, Both non sensical, both will break your heart and not really care about it after. Good luck getting closure from either.
There's not much going on inside their heads except for their own needs - forget about yours. Yes they've had a bad upbringing, this might explain their actions but it doesnt excuse them. Remember: Abuse is abuse.
Wild. I just commented this on a separate video, likening them to narcissists - particularly with using the energy anxious avoidants give (within their own flaws, we are all human). But avoidants.. are usually old enough to know better, it’s less of an attachment and more of a conscious choice to use people without ever addressing their own needs. Or lack thereof. Thus, narcissistic.
@@christinacatalano yup. It boils down to lack of empathy, they cannot put themselves into someone elses shoes. Both are woeful at communicating as a result. The real kicker is that they will only stick around if you have zero expectations of them, it has to be their way, their rules.
@christinacatalano you are confusing avoidant with borderline personality disorder. I'm bpd yet have realized that these disorders are identical and comorbid. The motivation for this behavior is a fear of abandonment. Ironic I know.
@@dannywholuv it isn't a lack of empathy. It's just hard to save someone else from drowning when you can't swim. If anything they feel too much.
@@Bucephalus84 im referring to dismissives. If your BPD then youd be a fearful avoidant. In which case you do feel too much, and it's either all good or all bad. I wish you the best on your journey
It's sad. Everyone is so selfish. I don't know I want to play anymore honestly.
This has absolutely nothing to do with selfishness, it's deep trauma running people. Edit: although, yes - my statement is incomplete: it is trauma AND results in selfish behaviors. It seems that the two tend to go hand in hand (although sometimes trauma causes people to be overly clingy and 'altruistic', too - and on the inside, it's more about selfish expectations and resentment)
Ditto.
Same, I haven’t enjoyed myself in this situation in a long time, he recently went silent again and I was actually relieved, I was not feeling the same about him anymore anyway, so when he decided to do another silent treatment mind game, I was like “ good, now I have space to move on from this, bye”
Low key I’m so happy by myself. The only things that make me unhappy are traumatic instances that I really can’t go back and change. So all I can do is learn to unlearn the things that those instances instilled in me and heal the wounds and go back to being happy alone. 😒 I wasn’t anxiously attached until I met someone who didn’t reciprocate even tho they initiated. I’m tired of the games and will literally be so much more happy and productive if I just accept living with my cat. A life of happiness alone sounds way better than a life of loneliness with someone else.
@@georgesonm1774nah. Plenty of people have trauma and yet never are dastardly enough to use and abuse people.
Let me give you a shortcut. DO NOT waste your time on a dismissive avoidant. You don't deserve to be with someone that withholds affection, is never all the way in the relationship, etc. It's the coldest, most lonely relationship you'll ever experience and you will be worse for even trying it. You can't fix people, a DA was formed in early childhood. They're programming is defective and you can't replace or update their software. Just pass.
Damn, if this isn't the truth
Very lonely and this is often what causes the other person to seek out another relationship aka cheating which is also harmful but confirms the avoidants fears that relationships hurt.
@@chloethemessenger I would never cheat on anyone. If I have a DA, I'm going to do the right thing and break up with them, then you're free to pursue another relationship. Not saying anything against you, but there is ZERO excuse to cheat.
Every night I went to bed wondering will I see him tonight ? I was very lonely and missed his presence. RUN!
I’ve noticed that avoidants have a lot short term relationships and high body count from constantly moving on to the next. Anxious people have relationships where they stay too long dealing with disrespect and inconsistencies.
So freaking true!!!!
You call them avoidant.....I call them relationship vagabonds. They wonder from relationship, to relationship, never finding a home. They leave a lot of damaged people in their wake. Virtually the same as narcissists. Always make it a point to avoid an avoidant.
Avoidant men love me because I have a always been miss independent due to being traumatized from an avoidant. Stay away from them. It’s a game.
It is weird i have the same. But they do not want you to be indepedent somehow.
Some weird stuff is going on in their brains.
Can not say heart.😂😂
They want you to rely on them and somehow they manage to always put themselves in a position where you are forced to . Or you are left wondering .
This is what I just went through
Then they backhand/sarcastically compliment you on your independence. I agree, it comes from a despise they have for you and not the love they occasionally hint at happening.
I was independent and attached until I met and dated him!!! I feel like he turned me into an anxious attachment
The avoidants often equate 'intimacy ' with a loss of independence. No, I'm sorry - we need to stop with all this nonsensical hocus pocus jargon! They are responsible, mature, adults that have absolutely no problem with initiating 'intimacy' at the beginning of the relationship. There's zero 'fear' then , so why , when we expect consistency, mutual reciprocity that's when they suddenly have a problem. Dismissives are like ...nah can't deal with this - I'm an avoidant , don't like to take accountability and I like living a selfish existence whereby I don't have to consider the 'feelings' of others, Imma bounce - see ya later alligator... not in a while crocodile because your a Dismissive or God FORBID- a 'fearful' avoidant and you're retreating in your tortoise shell 🐢 We need to stop with all this. Dismissives and fearfuls are now the new narcissists on the block but apparently without the ill intent and manipulation. We need to be more forgiving, sensitive to their needs , less selfish, ask for nothing and basically let them do what they want , when they want with whomever they want and oh be grateful if one day their fears diminish they come to their senses breadcrumb you because that's all they're capable of doing. If they know they have attachment issues, if they know they're Dismissive or Fearful then they should not get involved in relationships. They make secure people anxious then complain that you're being needy / clingy because they should be able to text you on their terms and if it's a 2 weeks then so be it! Be grateful and accept it. No thanks, we need to have more self respect than that. And here's the irony, when you have zero tolerance to disrespect have boundaries that's when they respect you! They can take their detachment/ deactivation/ discard and take a running jump off a chocolate doughnut because let's face it they're great at 🏃🏼♀️ 🏃♂️. Now we've added a phantom 👻 X in the equation as if Ninja 🐢 wasn't enough? No , call me old fashioned but what happened to relationships where there's transparency, one based on mutual respect & love? 😢 A relationship with a Dismissive or Fearful will cause you go insane - literally. They will cause your nervous system to malfunction, you will become sick! You will develop all types of ailments all due to their 'Selfish ' need for autonomy and 'space'. Give them the 'Space' they want by going no contact and leaving them alone. Your health - well being depends on it. Xx❤
☝️This needs its own show!
You will most likely never understand, but they are wired this way. If they could, they would. Why do anxiously attached tend to sabotage relationships by constantlu seeking reassurance, to the point of attempting manipulation and other kinds of control over their partners? In the same vein, why do people with bipolar or depression or schizophrenia require 'special needs', such as understanding of how they should be treated? Why people with PTSD get triggered by 'normal' situations? There rarely is such a thing as a 'mature, responsible adult' (certainly nobody is born or by default 'made' this way), it's mostly a myth - all situations are context- and individual-dependent, most of us are helpless children stumbling in the dark, trying to find love and hoping for the best. Understanding is the only thing that could illuminate this for you, judgement won't answer your questions
Also, I will even write something stronger than that. Anxious attached can also fuck up your life, just like the other ones. Some people get hurt by one type, some by another. Also: there is a different level of Avoidant tendencies and most of them can and will be healed. It is said that narcissists mostly cannot, although some may apparently see a certain development in healing. Your post does nothing but spreads stigma and hatred based on childish labelling while each individual is different. What you do is morally appalling, disgusting. You may be hurt, so go heal it - but you have no right to declare a certain type of people (who are the way they are because of deep trauma of shitty, controlling, overprotective parenting and such) have no right to find love and connection. Nobody owes you an apology but particular individuals who have hurt you.
This was written for me. I am going to print your comment and put it up on my bathroom mirror. Thank you, thank you, thank you! 🙏🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
@georgesonm1774 I think it's presumptuous of you to think that I will not understand. You state that they are 'wired' this way, so surely , the 'anxious preoccupied' are the same? If indeed 'attachments' stem from 'childhood,' then why do you consider 'AP's' to be manipulative and controlling? Surely, they can't help the way they are and were raised? Like the rest of the 'disorders' you mentioned? Avoidants have no problem in the initial stages of relationships. In fact, they initiate, act warm, and loving, and the minute you show interest back , they either ghost or ignore! How is that fair? Why not just be transparent and say,'Look, I'm a 'dismissive.' Are you alright with receiving zero reciprocity?' . It's rather ironic because 'sabotaging relationships' is usually attributed to 'avoidants', not the 'AP'. I suppose it depends on which side of the fence you're on. I think we can agree that as adults, we're expected to behave in a 'responsible' manner , relationships, jobs, etc. Of course, some of us deviate from this trajectory as you rightly said ,it depends on an individuals circumstances. I don't agree with the " We are helpless children stumbling in the dark, trying to find love & hoping for the best" I think that's a rather simplistic view & one that I do not subscribe to, one that's devoid of purpose, meaning and direction. Most of us have an agreed upon standard of what we want from our relationships, kindness, compassion, love, support, etc. Some people have boundaries and use discernment. In modern times, we are struggling, and we're not sure how to navigate our relationships. People in the past did not have these issues that we have today. Is there a direct correlation between the lives we have on social media - one that tends to foster insecurity, doubt, and our inability to think? There are videos on TH-cam titled "How to know if he likes you." Seriously? it's like we've lost our brain cells and need guidance on everything. If people mistreat or abuse you, then logic dictates that they don't particularly like you or value you very much? No sophisticated syllogism is required. I believe that everyone should be treated with respect and kindness, irrespective of your 'attachment style' and if we're not getting that , then it's simple , move on and surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you! Life is too short to accept nonsense and crappy behaviour. Everyone is suddenly obsessed with 'healing', the buzzword of our time, which is nonsensical and a myth, in my opinion. Have firm boundaries, know what you will or will not tolerate, and move forward - the majority of us do not need healing. We just hold on to everything and anything & wonder why we're in a traumatised state. Learn to let go of people who disrupt your peace and well-being. It's not our place to try and fix everyone's problems or excuse crappy behaviour. That's not me being callous or harsh. I have compassion and understand that many of our problems are just part and parcel of the human condition.
The fact that they break up with the person in the first place means they will continue this cycle and damage people in their path and will never grow up
Avoidants avoid. Give them what they want. Leave them alone. Restrict their access to you. You’ll be better because you did.
And date anxious as anxious?
@@miradl7968 As a securely attached, I don’t mind mildly anxious types. At least the anxiously attached can show up to a conversation. Avoidants require emotional labor that they themselves…..you guessed it….avoid. I could deal with them, but I simply and consciously choose not to. The moment I observe or notice their shenanigans, I call it out kindly, and politely excuse myself from their presence.
Exactly what I did! & I got my power back😅
He ended it by saying ”let’s take one day at a time, I can’t give you what you need right now, I’m broken etc. and we can still be friends”. Kept me on social media but we haven’t spoken a word since. It’s been 7 weeks. I’ve gone radio silent and he’s in a rebound since 4 weeks with the first best thing - his neighbor. This is one of the most painful and confusing experiences I’ve ever had.
Go thrive babe
I completely understand and relate... believe me. You're not alone. Right now you're in such pain and confusion. I know.
- Watch videos about Avoidants and learn about it so you no longer take it personally.
- Never contact him again. Ever.
IF after he's got his rebound out of his system and then realizes you were better than her (it happens) he may come crawling back but it would likely be same as before. Toxic. If you still want him at that point then make him do therapy and take it very slow. But my best advice is to forget him and move on. I know.. so hard.. xxx
@@tuoctran43 Time heals, hopefully 🙏🏼
@@fieryheadedgirl Thank you for your kind words! It’s very hard indeed. We’re in no contact and I will not reach out to him. I hope he will one day but I know it will be just as bad if he doesn’t work on himself. You just want them to realize, you know, because you see everything so clearly but yeah… you can’t help someone who doesn’t realize they need help. I’ll focus on myself, that’s all I can do.
I feel you, my ex contacted me after 2 1/2 months of no contact. He asked for another chance but i said no. 2 days later he was with someone else and my heart can’t take it:(
He ghosted me after I asked for more phone calls and less texts and more planning on dates . Too much to ask I guess - well the right person will want to connect and get closer . Will never deal with an avoidant again !
IMHO, you did everything correctly. If he truly loved you, he would understand your point and act accordingly. Consider yourself lucky, as you have higher chances now to find a better person.
Yes I’d like the same, was thinking I’d make it one of my “boundaries.” 😢
Literally the same thing in my case, like I want to hear your voice not just texting and want you to take the lead sometimes not just let me do all the work.
eeeeh their loss
@@koukaiisanhood8148 did you get ghosted after ? He got freaked out because it was after we slept together too, I think he thinks I was being needy but he’s avoidant so I know that pushed him away . He always runs from his feelings
@shawdeejay5408 Did he resurface?
for anyone reading this... an avoidant should be avoided.. stop wishing for them back. the story wont be different next time.. they are not for you. accept it and move on.. life is too short to waste on people that avoid you.. 🙏
An avoidant ex drove me crazy because we lived together like a couple but he could never put a name on it even though I knew our compatibility was 10-10. I had to move on after years of mixed signals. It still confuses me to this day.
I was in a situationship like this for 7 months, until I decided to not continue this shit in 2024. The most confusing thing I’ve ever come across, compatibility is not even 10/10 it’s 20/20 in every way, he’d always confuse the shit out of me tho. I cut him off, but still confused. Still question myself if I did the right thing to let him go, but he cause me so much distress, it probably is the right choice.. I feel you though..
I SO relate. I was blindsided when he told me he just didn't feel enough for me to take it to the next level. It was two years of the most intense passion and connection and I know I handled myself beautifully in the relationship. I gave him so much space and understanding and I lived my best life independent of him, and was really patient and nurturing. He said being loved by me was the best feeling, But ... he couldn't feel more for me and said he tried but it just wasn't there.
@@GiselleSaliI gave it up after 3 months, worst 3 months I’ve had in a while
@@jenbodhi1133 its good you broke it off in 3 months. make sure to not go back, it will not change i promise. i tried to leave every month for 7 months, kept going back after breaking it off. he will never change
Same story.... I was in this kind of a thing for 6-7 yrs (online though)... Always felt the strong intense connection with him, our vibes matched , even I felt it to the gut that he also liked talking with me which he also agreed ... But gradually something faded even though I was obsessed in love with him... When i confessed he said that I was only a friend to him and he liked talking with me! Ironical fact is he used to say lines like "what if we meet in future" but I guess he lacked guts or may be he didn't like me enough or may be he was an avoidant ... God knows what .. but till date it confuses me bcz he was such a man who understood me in and out ... There was so much potential... May be it was never meant to be bcz we were ultimately from two different states and culture ...
But till today i can't get why the hell did I feel such a strong connection with someone whom I never met
If you ask me, many "avoidants" just use their apparent fear of intimacy as an excuse to jump to the next partner because they crave for that childish quick serotonin. It's just an act. Stop fooling yourself. It's not an attachment style or trauma, they are just like drug addicts.
I understand now why many people never had a loving relationship. They just needed somebody to love THEM and somebody to help them avoid feeling LONELY. All of these reasons stem from the ego, they don't come from a place of true love... The avoidant never loved you, he was just feeling sorry for himself, and you've never loved yourself if you've tried over and over again to get his attention. Fear of loneliness and searching for the perfect partner are never good reasons to create relationships.
That's my opinion. Fear of loneliness, fear of abandonment, fear of imperfection, ALL OF THESE ARE EGO-BASED. It was never real love. And most people will never know the meaning of self-love either.
💯
It's taken me so long to realize I don't have to abandon myself to keep people who truly love me around. ❤
@@JustCammiethis is such a common pitfall of each relationship.this is a pattern.
@@radhey_87 but we can break that pattern with the right steps.
You made a lot of good points, beside the “not loving yourself enough” sometimes people are in toxic cycles due to past trauma or unmet needs.
And we're expected to have empathy for people who play mind games and destroy our mental health? Hmmmm I think not
👍🏼👏🏽
Exactly
i don't think they want to hurt you, they do break you but it's not their intention unlike narcissists
Yes gets tiring
Yeah I’ve been crying for 5 days due to his ghosting after weeks of dating….not feeling bad for this jerk at all
Usually they avoid you when they focus on somebody else.
no, that's not how it works. in my case, it was having 2 babies
@@juanfrancodilorenzo2016 Yours is the exception not the rule
@@Laura-Yudo u got any data on that?
Yep
Yep
Nah, they don't care. In fact, they might feel relieved they don't have to cater to the needs of another human being.
as a DA i agree
This is exactly correct. My ex told me he never wants to be tied to or responsible for anyone’s emotions or well being ever in his life.
Agree.
@@TravelwithJoce mine did say exactly the same.
They're a waste of time, energy and empathy.
I believe it’s the phantom is the real prize for the avoidant, they will idealize their old fantasy illusion of you while ignoring your pleas for connection, as you sit before their face and they look right through you
Ouch😢
Exactly. The look right through you hits hard.
I’m the phantom ex😂😂😂😂. He consistently comes back when I leave…5 years of this nonsense. I literally told him I’m done and will be dating other people-he said ok😂😂😂-after 5 years? I just walked away. I’m really done. I hope he never contacts me again! He’s so disappointing.
I found mine to be a disappointment as well, I’m not even attracted to him anymore, he just seems like a selfish spoiled weak brat - once I saw that I can’t unsee it
@jenbodhi1133 not the man who we thought they were. Paradigm shift is seismic. Whole new world, ain't it?
Ive been almost 5 years together with a man like that. Broke off 6 years ago. And he tries so hard to get me back and everytime he show up and tries it still doesnt work 😂😂😂 he cant believe i wont give him a chance 😂😂 the worst he was when I was with someone and he couldnt handle i was with someone else but not him 😂 avoidant and narcissist mix is awfuuuul!
Thank you for the video.
I think avoidants can as well be triggered by a secure person simply expressing the wish for more emotional intimacy/closeness. I very much doubt they are triggered only by people expressing their anxious core wounds.
Agreed. After 2 years of a long distance but beautiful, sexy relationship with insane chemistry in which I offered compassion and unconditional love and patience, I confidently asked mine for a solid commitment and that’s when he told me he doesn’t feel the way he’d need to feel about me to take it to the next level. I’d just moved back to the same coast and we were seeing each other once a month. It felt like we were closer and more open and bonded than ever … but then I asked for more and he told me something was missing for him and that he couldn’t offer what I wanted so had to let me go.
@@magicisreal111 oh man, so sorry to hear that... Keep in no contact, maybe he tries to make his way back to you (see Lucia, "The art of love")
@@CeciledeLuire thank you, Love! ❤️
@@magicisreal111 💛😉
@@magicisreal111so sorry dear...
You said that avoidants are unable to effectively process guilt. This really hit me. I am in a relationship with a fearful avoidant and just this morning I asked him why he almost never apologizes. He said, because I didn’t do it on purpose.
I would love a video where you explain more about this. Or do you maybe already have one?
I’m realizing I may have avoidant tendencies and I’m trying to heal so I don’t hurt and lose an amazing girl that I was dating. This kinda sounds like how I feel right now. I know I have hurt her a lot when we broke up but I didn’t even miss her or feel guilty. It’s only in some moments it comes through and hits me. I apologized to her because I know it’s the right thing to do but it felt hollow inside.
Thais Gibson has a video about why Dismissive avoidants don't apologize
If I ever date again my number 1 thing I'm going to look for is a partner who is physically capable of recognizing when they've done wrong and apologizing. I am never going to have a one way street again!
😢
lol, using "I didn't do it on purpose" has nothing to do with being Avoidant, he was just an asshole.
the more i learn about avoidants, the more i agree with a comment that said that avoidants are narcissists lite (or full narcissists. if they have NPD ofc), because that cycle is exactly the same in narcissists - lovebombing, idealisation, honeymoon period, then they find out you dont match their fantasy, start devaluing you and rejecting you. then they either move on to another partner, or they hoover over you and the cycle starts again.
THANK YOU !!! BINGO !
Actually it’s due to trauma they experienced as a child. Imagine you grow up with neglected and with no example of how to process your feelings and regulate. You learn to only rely on yourself and are afraid to rely on others since they always let you down. Thus, you don’t know how to be close without being afraid and scare of abandonment if you allow yourself to fully give everything. It is just easier to not get close and leave before they leave you. That’s their mentality.
@@Junebug_3A lot of people have been abused and neglected in their childhoods. Not all of those turn avoidant. Being avoidant is not a free pass for using, misleading and abusing others and tossing them out coldly when they're done toying with them.
NEVER have I ever seen any other attachment style cause the kind and extent of damage avoidants cause, and don't give a hoot about. Empathy is wasted on them.
They don't mean to though. They are slaves
@@user-rh1hu7yl1n just like we all are slaves to our patterns. that's not any excuse for shitty behaviour.
I’ve never felt more understood than I do in this comment section right now… it devastates me that complete emotional destruction from loving an avoidant type is the link that bonds us but realizing we are NOT ALONE, and that others share, not the misery, but the need to connect with a partner. Don’t let their inability to bond and their defensive attack cloud you with self doubt. You are closer to normal than you were made to feel.
This video will make you wanna empathize with an avoidant. But how about other attachment styles like anxious attachment style? We try our best to be secure, we work to understand our childhood traumas and attachment style so as not to inflict pain on our partner. But if we are the only ones who will always do the work and 'understand' these avoidant people. We'll just reach a point of empathy burnout. At least that's how I felt with my recent situationship.
100% agree
same with my situationship... I put so much energy and time into loving her, understanding her and helping her deal with her past... and she was hot and cold to me, led me on, decided she didn't want a relationship because she was scared of attachment and "hurting me", and then left... like, I put my all into helping this person, loving this person, and helping them sort their issues, and she recognizes my caring nature, and because of her fears, still leaves me... no, I am not empathizing with that. They gotta figure themselves out and work through their crap. They need therapy or something. I have my life together, and people like her brought nothing but confusion. My life is far more peaceful without her. I am looking for someone to reciprocate the commitment and empathy that I did. I don't care if she misses me or is sad that she lost me... that's on her. Now she's looking to "talk" with me about things... I just refuse to deal with it anymore. I put enough effort into trying to help her, if she wants back, she's gotta change herself first.
You guys thanks for replying to this post. It makes me feel less alone in what Im going through. I always told myself that "Love should be easy. It should be effortless. It shouldnt leave you feeling confused all the time." It's crazy how having an anxious attachment style triggers ur anxiety into profound heights just because theyre too afraid of letting someone in or close enough.
As sad as it may seem, they really gotta figure their shit out. We can only do so much as to try and understand. But at the end of the day, if they choose not to commit to you, it's on them. It was never about because you're not worthy or good enough. You were ALWAYS good enough. They just failed to see that.
And now they wanna come back to you but it doesnt seem like they've done the necessary work to heal their core wound. Their "sorry" wont mean anything unless accompanied by genuine changed behavior.
Seriously he triggered my anxious side like no one else. I didn’t even know I was capable of being this anxious so I started to blame myself for everything. I was secure before he came into my life like a hurricane, lovebombed the hell out of me and future faked like there’s no tomorrow. I looked past hundreds of red flags on his part - my bad of course because I fell so madly in love with him despite my gut feeling and intuition telling me to run - but he just waited around the corner for me to make a mistake in order for him to leave me saying I’m too good for him, he’s broken and will end up alone for the rest of his life etc. Three weeks later and he’s sleeping with his neighbor who looks exactly like me and shares my name. Avoidants are extremely damaged and truly damage others without even bothering or ever taking accountability for anything. How are they even human?!
@@lilywashere_ the description sounds a lot like a narc, not just an avoidant attachment style.
I think Avoidants often have phantom exes with women they feel true connections with but still get in their typical hot and cold cycles with...once the person actually does walk away to some real extent. Seems they just often take much longer than the "normal" person, which I'm honestly starting to wonder if even exists anymore.
This is it, once I walked away for good, he’s in love with me and I’m the one that got away- only because I’m not interested anymore- when I was interested I got the ghosting, silent treatment etc
I just got dumped yesterday by an avoidant situationship. As someone with anxious preoccupied attachment, i was devastated. But after watching this video, i gained more clarity and understanding and i feel validated. I did what i could for the relationship to progress but i just got too close for comfort. Gosh turns out we are each other’s nightmare. It still stings but i kinda feel some sort of relief knowing I’m not crazy or a failure.
Right there with ya, and I (foolishly) let my situationship go on for 3 years before she found out I was too invested and decided to dip. I've beat myself up for thinking I was doing the wrong thing, but the truth is, in most cases there is no right thing you could have done. You're worth so much more than that and deserve better!
Same thing happened to me two weeks ago. I wasn’t able to really connect with her. It was out of fear of losing her. She was so great! She dumped me and I’m devastated. I think I was hurting her before I even realized it. I’m not sure she knows how much pain it’s caused me.
@@jackhubert it sucks right? Cuz they never really take accountability.
@@jackhubert sometimes they come back, but you gotta consider whether or not you want to stress yourself with all that comes with dating them. If they can't acknowledge their issues and be open to becoming more secure, it's hard to recommend taking them back.
you're not. Yeah, I've had a very harsh time when in a relationship with a fearful avoidant leaning anxious - it was extremely intense (sometimes brutally) and controlling for me (literally to the point of abuse) to endure it so I broke up - I was told that I was an avoidant and it was all my fault, which I kind of believed for quite a while now. Well that was BS, I see now, but she still had a point in that I did not meet her needs in the way she would have wanted (I would've if not so distracted with all the gaslighting and fighting going on). My point is: clarity is good and whatever the truth is, it's never that you're 'crazy' or a 'failure'. Even less so if you know you did everything you could. It's the misunderstandings, the projections of past hurt, the not being on the same page kind of thing that makes relationships (and this world in general) hell, I think.
Rebounds don’t work in the long run. You described the short run.
I’m dismissive avoidant, and I am fucked up after this girl who loved for 2 years and finally left. I focused so much on my career and work. I became very successful, but at what cost? I remember breaking up with her6 months into the relationship. She still reached out to me about hanging out. So we decided to see her for 2 years on the back end of my life. It wasn’t until now I’m alone, more alone than ever. Im so destroyed and mad at myself. Apparently she told she was heartbroken for so long. Once I found out she wanted to move on, my true feelings of loving her came out. Unfortunately I think it’s too late. Now I’m learning to not be so recluse with my emotions, but rather be more secure in my emotions in my next relationship. To all the dismissive people out there, spare yourself the pain, it is bad.
What made you avoid her? Did she hurt you!?
What makes you think it's too late? Yeah my avoidant tried to come back and then he said well I guess I've ruined it with you and maybe it's just too late. I'm like you f***** why don't you show me different behavior. Are you sure that's not just like your negative thinking telling you it's too late? Is she still single? If so go pursue her for a change. It could be your subconscious is still afraid to pursue.
Not easy
I am so lucky to have read your guys comments. Relationship with an avoidant damn near ruined me
You and me both brother
My DA ex didn’t start trying to date me again until he realized I was trying to finalize our relationship by receiving my things from his apartment. We’re back together now but my boundaries are firm. I don’t give more than 1 chance. And I am the one asking for space now. It’s all new to him. But he needs to realize I’m not into the on and off again relationship.
Good, stay firm
Later on tells us how it's going.
Silly
Im afraid the cycle will repeat, shorter this time round. They have to get proper help and do the work so unless he's committed to that save the heartache.
It's not worth it..ut won't work
How I spot avoidants:
1. They only think of themselves
2. They have no real plans, or goals.
3. (Biggest one) they're uncertain with commitment, like marriage.
4. Easily influenced by others and the outside world.
5. They take advice as insult.
6. Always create problems, to get you to apologise (they love long apologies and gifts).
That list might fit narcs, but not avoidants.
No not true
My ex was the sweetest person ever, he loved so hard, cared so much and did so much until one day he decided he doesn’t love me anymore and left me crying my eyes out. He told me he doesn’t care, he doesn’t feel bad about dumping me instead he’s so relieved and at peace
@@namelessbrat7197 Perhaps you're right, but in my experience, you could run into someone who's both, which was my case and the case of many out there. Either way, anyone with these traits should be avoided like a plague.
@@lameart2041 lmaooo that made me laugh so much i'm sowwy the start & the ending so intense is like a comedy!
I didnt know why I did this... until now.. Checked every box.. I am exposed. Thank you for your research.. I have alot of reflecting and growing to do...
Good for you, really mature to reflect on things. Wishing you nothing but greatness and love
You're probably not an avoidant. You probably just have anxiety, which is making you self conscious of any topic you come across.
@@stevecooper7883 I check off every box. My exes would agree.
@@stevecooper7883 _You have not lived their life or experienced anything from them so it's not your place to say whether they are or aren't anything lol...
Me too 🙏
Being with a dismissive avoidant made me realize I was a fearful avoidant. Can’t really treat the two as the same. FA suffers way more imo 😂
This happened to me too. Ripped my abandonment wound right open. I've learned to take it in its stride, which is "Oh hey, now I'm suddenly feeling a lot and can actually process and heal this now that I have the skills," but I'm going to treat it as an opportunity to heal aspects of myself that I couldn't before. I don't want this level of dysfunction for myself or for my hypothetical partner.
@@cornwallismorgan874 Ahh same here. It hurts so much right now, it's like feeling all the pain from the past that I just avoided. But finally, it's the truth and I know I'm on the right path. Good luck to us!
@@Sjess25 Yeah, I hear you. I'm sorry you're going through it because it's so unbelievably dysregulating. But I hope your healing journey goes well! ❤️
Same 😢.. I ghosted my DA first but I regretted within a few hours and then he ghosted me back 😅… I’m over it … I’ve been doing the work for 2 years and I am leaning more secure now but man what a wild roller coaster it’s been …
They can only choose to watch and worship you quietly from a distance... What a pitiful Avoidant life!!
But why do they have no empathy? I think a lot of this is jargon and they are just completely selfish and self absorbed. The way they can be so cold and cruel is brushed over in these excuses that’s given to them. You have to be a bit sociopathic to carry on how these so called “avoidants” behave. Regardless of being avoidant surely you have empathy for how your behaviour can affect someone else and if you have no empathy you’re basically a narcissist and a self serving human. Even on my worst day I’d still feel bad for hurting someone …I just don’t understand how they could carry on with themselves and also how can they persue you so full on and then turn avoidant…in that case they’d never be able to persue anyone. Or how do they earn money …it doesn’t make sense they pick and choose the people who will accept it from them.
💯
Exactly. So tired of hearing about how they have the right to treat others like $hit because of their tRaUmA. NO ONE has a right to treat others like $hit, regardless of what you went through in your childhood. And they cause others trauma. It's just ridiculous. They truly are narcissists lite.
Yes
they are sociopaths that's why
That’s the part I don’t get either. Lack of empathy and understanding of how their actions or inactions impact others
If you genuinely love/loved someone then you wouldn't even want to rebound. Rebounding doesn't work in the long run and just shows that there wasn't alot a love or any at all in the first place from the previous relationship if they can just jump on someone else. Better off staying single. Peace of mind and no stupud games
That's your oppinion. Doesn't mean your right
If you choose to date avoidant, you brought it on yourself. Unless you enjoy dating insecure, regarded, and petulent child that will often throw temper tantrums while blaming it on you.
Unfortunately, it's hard to spot at the beginning when they are in the honeymoon phase.
Sometimes, they expose their real selves quickly, but other times, you get attached before you realize what trouble you're in. :(
Though I agree that staying after that is always a bad idea.
@@namelessbrat7197yes avoidants definitely pretend and set people up by wearing a mask at first. They really do want true love and intimacy but have a constant fantasy in their head which makes unobtainable expectations so they choose to discard anyone that shows any flaws because they have an ideal dream perfect relationship in their head that doesn’t exist
I and I suspect many others went into the relationship knowing nothing about DAs or attachment styles in general, and mine wore her mask pretty tightly (even if the cracks had begun to show over time) so it's not something I even thought to look into until after the heartbreak when I was trying to get answers. At least now I'll know what to look out for going forward.
@@namelessbrat7197 Naaaa...it's SUPER easy to spot them as long as YOU don't wear love goggles.
@@Candlelight787 I don't agree with you. It might be easy to spot narcs and people on the extreme ends of the spectrum, but avoidants van have a very normal start for the relationship with their traits only showing once sufficiently triggered. (Which usually happens after the dating and honeymoon phase).
Especially that a lot of avoidants have very strong and stable long term friend groups and aren't resisting the first milestones of the relationship commitment.
So I have no idea why you are so confident about your statement.
Some people just cant love.. they like to be alone... its just called laziness. They need to pray for a new way of coping with thier own laziness. THey dont want to try hard enough. THey just nit pick and make excuses.
That’s so sick.., what horrible nightmare to want and hate something we humans have engraved in our survival as human connection n love. All because you were a victim of broken parents.
I will never understand why hurt people hurt. You would think it would be the opposite. That they would say to themselves… I never want the person I am in a relationship with to ever feel the pain of what I went through.
Avoidants, aware or unaware of their actions, are actually just selfish jerks who shouldn't be in relationships until they can stop being avoidant. Just because there's a term for what they are, doesn't make them less shitty. We shouldn't have to understand people who thrive off of our pain to maintain themselves.
Sounds a lot like narcissistic cycle of devaluing and then re-idealizing their ex (aka their ex supply)
Devaluing, bread crumbing and then occasionally hoovering when you pull away. It’s not avoidance. It’s plain old fashioned narcissism. Wanting the relationship on their terms
@@immers2410 This and the trend now of calling them avoidant and let the supply believe they need to chance to not 'irritate' them is a bad trend.
Just like the twinflame trend was.
If you want to be with a fearful avoidant from my own history with one, you need to be avoidant yourself lol.
I think that this is the best situation also. But there is no glue to hold the relationship together.
But that isn’t what the avoidant goes for. They like their opposite most of the time… unfortunately
My recent ex was the most avoidant person I had ever seen. He approached me and he wanted to be in a serious relationship, when we both knew he was moving out of the country in a few months. The honeymoon phase was great and everything but he started to panic as we started to get emotionally closer. By the time he had to leave he panicked and he pushed me away and pulled me back multiple times. When he left the country he texted me a couple of times and suddenly blocked me. He was a hell of a rollercoaster.
Excellent video and great comments. I feel vindicated. "Don't blame the clown for being a clown.. ask yourself why you keep going to the circus".
Remember this study is based on college students. I think relationships at that age is completely different than those later in life. I am 40 now, but I remember dating when I was like 20, and it would all go so fast because I had zero experience and I knew very little about what I wanted. I would like to add that I have been a fearful avoidant the most of my life until I started with therapy. I will fully agree that from my perspective, that realizing you lost someone will ignite feelings. I had one girl I dated on and off for like 5-6 times. Each time I would fall madly in love with her, and then dump her at some point when we started dating, and then no contact would happen. That cycle would continue again and again. This was 15+ years ago and she is happily married today, but I've felt very guilty about this after going to therapy and after understanding my trauma and attachment style. Now I think I've been a fearful avoidant, so not sure if this is the same for dismissive avoidants. I went from longing after her to feeling suffocated, and she wasn't even anxious. I would describe her as having a secure attachment style.
It’s really good to here from an avoidant perspective, iv been with my partner for 4yrs never lived together, we just had a house renovated in oct last yr, I noticed for a couple of months before he was really pushing me away and as he hates confrontation I ended things, did the 4wks nc then after the friends started up, I actually really understand him and know why he’s like he is, I did develop anxiety in our relationship due to feeling really shitty about myself and he never made my feel like he even found me attractive or some days even like me! The break did me the world of good to getting myself back to normal and secure in myself, my question is will he ever be ready for long term or should I keep my distance and except that this is as far as he can ever go?? Iv only just started to mention things to him about why I think he’s like he is, his last relationship was way back in his early 20,s with a girl that at the time he thought he was madly in love with, unfortunately the argued one day and the day after she died in a car accident, I know for sure he hasn’t healed could this be the cause of his avoidant behaviour? Any advice is welcome 😅
Ps im the 2nd sexual partner he’s had since and he’s now 48!
@@gemmaburns6407 I think he can change if he acknowledges that he has an issue. And then to change, he has to study up on attachment theory and look up how to become more secure. Also therapy will help. If he is in denial and think nothing is wrong, then I don't think you can do much unfortunately.
Phantom x
@@gemmaburns6407would suggest really looking at the rrlationship realistically and how it’s serving you,
I had one and moved in with him after 6 months from then on it started all going down hill and it never recovered even with us trying to Work on it actively for years even after we moved back to living separately
the fear of keeping their independence and fear of commitment to bigger things means you end up at completely different stages. Im now on nearly 4 weeks no contact and so much happier even tho I was the one dumped (althought I was thinking of ending it finally) it really helped me gain this perspective and clarity and see all this in hindsight’s.
I lost myself at one point losing all confidence etc and we ended up miserable wanting different things at the end.
So much better without we ended up just holding eachother back from wat we really wanted/needed.
I would suggest just really looking at ur situation realistically if you talk to them clearly and nothing changes then leave don’t waste so much time like I did hoping things would change.
Think of how they make you feel not how you feel about them.
If you love them but they make you feel shit unloved etc then it’s not a good relationship.
I remember a guy I was in and out of a situationship with reminisced on an ex and said he regretted losing that relationship because they were really “for” one another. Guess why it ended? He cheated on her and slept with someone else at a party. He sabotaged it and not she gets to live on as the phantom ex. In reality she probably was really for him and wanted closeness and in typical fashion he ruined it. I was also for him like many others I’m sure.
guess you got it just right, it was his excuse to avoid you, while you didn’t care if he cheated on her and was a hypocrite.
"Avoidant death wheel" is the name of the ride they're taking you on.
Our problem is that we think with enough love and patience we can get an avoidant to a secure state.
This MAY work but they have to aknowledge and accept that.
If they think nothing is wrong with them, then just leave. You will waste your time 99% of the time.
I think most avoidants had *ucked up stuff in their upbringing. I feel for them but if they don't want help and don't want to work on the relationship, do not appreciate it? Then I'm not sorry to leave them behind just as they left me behind.
This is the third time he’s gone silent over nothing, jokes on him this time because I was actually happy this circus is over.
I feel free now, that was a deeply unpleasant experience
Is he a Taurus? I've been "seeing" someone for almost 2 years and it's a fucking nightmare. But he's a good person and we have a lot in common. My toxic trait is thinking it'll work out everytime 😭😭😭 it's FUCKING HARD!!!
@@KereolaPatunia he’s a Leo, I’m a Capricorn
How did you do it? Mine came back asking me to bring him a souvenir while I was in Japan… Like who asks your ex to bring you stuff after breaking up? I kinda had enough so I asked him what do you want. He said I am overreacting he just wanna be friend like how we used to and complained I sound awkward talking to him. I was so mad cuz what do you expect me to be after all that push and pull shit you do. I told him this is not for me and I won’t talk to him again. He said ok. But I felt so bad cuz I still can’t get over him…but he won’t comeback after this probably. I just really want an apology cuz apparently he didn’t break up with me because he lost feelings for me….unlike how he told me. Or else why would he reach out like 3 weeks after we break up.😢
So painful, I hope you find someone who really does care, it sounds like he just wants some attentio to sooth his ego. Best wishes! You did exactly the right thing.@@kikilala8263
@@kikilala8263 Doesn't matter anymore, hun. They rarely ever change. Them keeping you as a friend is a way they get to have their cake and eat it too...i.e. receive the validation and basic emotional intimacy of a relationship but without any of the commitment or expectations. And on top of treating you like crap during the relationship, there's no friendship (or trust) to be had after anyway. They'll go on to someone else and repeat the cycle. I know it hurts, but I'm glad you set limits for yourself and rest assured you didn't lose anything.
Maybe if we all avoided the avoidants they’d learn to deal with their messed up shit.
It s simple,avoid the avoidant because they emotionaly immature. self centred ,attention seekers with a very strong and destructive ego.
No excuse .run away! 🏃
I'm the avoidant and now she left me probably forever. I'm just hoping that me changing for the better by meditating, journaling and connecting with my emotions will bring her back.
If u didn’t cheat or anything
Why don’t U reach out?
Since u messed up..
@@Seraphina93 Yeah she actually did and seems to want me back now. It's funny how focusing on being your best self and accepting each moment/being mindful makes life work in your favor.
Pls never do that to her ever again if you go back and if she was nice
@@An-ri5qn ofc not. I bet you've experienced this.
How long does it take for you to realise you want her back?
Well, personal experience. Jumpinv from relationship to relationship doesn't work to heal the wound of an actual relationship that triggered your emotio al system in the eay to form an attachment.
They do help you feel more confident and understand that it was not about your looks or appearance. But this makes you sure that it was abkut your behaviors that turned the person off. So you do realize at some point that you, as a person, screwed things. And this hurts way more than if you just go through this journey 2, 3 months after the break up and get yourself healed and do some work to be confident to test new strategies and overall a better you.
But when you consistently get failed relationships, even if you don't actually like the person, this realization comes waaaaaay stronger and with more evidences and more weight than when you do take your time to self reflect and deliberately look for things to improve.
Rebound relationship is pointless. Focus your energy on yourself.
I hate this. He fooled me into trusting him while he knew the way he is and hurt people before in the same way
. Can't express what it does to me.
please if you’re in that vicious cycle end things :( i got back with my ex twice (he is an avoidant) and the circle shown in the video will just repeat over and over
And the worst part is that they won’t change no matter how much they want to change or say they will change
This is why I had to walk away. I’m in a group on FB and many say this cycle can and will continue for decades. I can’t handle it.
@@kflo2059 you did the right thing! wishing you well, and remember the most important part when it comes to healing is no contact and no stalking
I think I’m with an avoidant and it’s been 7 months of on and off dating, he sucks the joy out of a romantic relationship. I feel so deprived and anxious. I’m starting to think, biting the billet and cutting loose might be the overall best solution even though it will be heartbreaking for me.
do it
I know I was a damn good woman to him.. His loss.. And I don't think they even care if they lose someone that love them
Excellent video. My ex-husband extended the honeymoon period (elation) by entering into a rebound relationship and avoiding grief, guilt, sadness and loneliness. A total mess.
His loss, hun. Let him continue to F up his life (sorry, I know you probably love him, but seriously). You deserve better. And you will find better.
1. Says it all want someone to love them
Healthy love is i want to love someone.....and give.....love is giving....not i want.
So they are selfish = form of narcissism
Me me me syndrome....me me me me some more....
You are very smart 🤓
Exactly my thoughts too! These avoidants tend to be narcissists or have VERY narcissistic tendencies/traits 😣
@@krystal711 yes every avoidant is actually a COVERT narcissist.....ppl with true love in their hearts heal themselves and do not use other's to fill their void.
@@EnzoIsabella better to stay away from them in other words 😬
@@krystal711 yes.
They may be narcissits too😂😂 do check folks...
Great video Chris. Wow, you’re extremely detailed with this video. Both content and production is amazing. Great work
It feels like my ex is being as rude as possible and try’s to get a reaction out of me, I don’t understand why, she’s already moved on with someone else.
They see themselves as the victim. They gaslight you into believing it was you that was the terrible person. They will destroy you over and over. Forget they exist. Never forget the real them.
That's usually a narc reaction. So be careful and go complete NC for your own good.
I'm a great guy, but I've given up on dating, relationships... it's all a total joke. I don't even try to make new friends anymore. I had one two year relationship in my life and he was a total user. Life is for being alone.
Great video, appreciated it and the research you put into it. Well done, Sir!
Seriously great production and analysis. Love the animations. Good work. 💯
Excellent, eye opening! And Chris seems conscientious with truth grounded in research versus theory. In addition, his own insights connect a lot of dots . . .
This was incredible information - thank you so much for this!!
Avoidants live in the high of limberance of NRE- (new relationship energy), which every relationship has that high. It’s getting thru that transition to the real relationship that fewer couple make it to. That’s when the real depth of love shows. When a person realizes ‘yes, this is the person I trust to go thru the difficult and easy times with’. That is the place we are seeking…just the instant gratification phase is the junk food (instant high) of NRE…it’s the maturing of the relationship that is the sweet spot.
Looking great Chris! Keep up the good work dude. Take care of yourself
Worship from afar. Too late. We don't want worship, we just want to be appreciated, let us in. Now ex is stalking me.
Dang this was a unique analysis, thank you Chris!!!!
Yeah but you can’t give people too much space because then they just cheat on you so it’s a lose-lose situation.
Yep. "Avoidants" don't exist. Narcissists do. If she doesn't want to be close to you, she probably is close to someone else already.
youre a smart confident man. learned from an unfortunate experience and youre still in one piece. good for you!
One of the best reviews of attachment style. Very in depth and so accurate. This video is amazing.
really interesting ! you have explain it so well
My avoidant became AVOIDED by me…I became tired of his mixed signals , lack of communication, etc….sadly at the end when he begged me to be with him…get married , move in…I had already MOVED ON and dragged his sorry ass through MY LIES and bullshit which inadvertently led him into heavy drinking which caused him a total demise into alcoholism and finally his DEATH….a very LONELY death ….painful one that is …similar to cancer ….I don’t miss him…when I think of him NOW it’s only thoughts of pure pity and knowing he was a waste of my time….I’ve been in a new relationship….actually which already started before the “drunk” passed away …my new guy is everything I had wished the old dead one could have been….my advice to anybody…if you’re tied in with one of these pathetic type of ppl ….RUN and don’t look back
Amazing video. Great info.
Honestly, if they left, let them free to move on to either embrace their singlehood freedom or to find someone who is better for them.
Avoidant aka Narcissist.
Was thinking the same. I think they have a lot of similarities.
An avoidant isn’t necessarily a narcissist. I know several and they don’t lack empathy or compassion which narcs do.
Also, do you think those with NPD have an attachment style? Do they attach to anyone?
I think the same too. After my ex left me, I was kind of thinking that he was waiting for me to beg for him to come back. But duh! It was so painful, but I cannot afford to make myself pathetic by begging.
I did a ton of research into Avoidants and BPD. They all correlate eerily similarly together.@@joancollins3457
I agree, I call them narcissist lite
I’m the fearful avoidant and it’s killing me!!!
Wow. You’re a genius. Thank you for pointing this out! Very helpful and much appreciative for this video!
Person I know never talks with their family, doesnt know what their brother is doing, isnt interested in what friends are doing, sees 's friends as a consequence of having hobbies, and wants to pay money in return for help.
Most avoidants are also narcissists. I used to be in such denial about it; but it’s the truth
How do you distinguish an avoidant from a narcissist? I think they are quite the same.
Wow ..I'm so amazing in your research..and the why you explain this ..thank you so much
Chris, your content excites me.
I have anxious attachment. I’ve dated 2 avoidants. 9:56 Longing for an ex, now makes sense to me. The first avoidant was hung up on all his exes while ignoring me. Once I became an ex he’d try to contact me every 6 months for years, almost a decade. I didn’t get it. The 2nd avoidant relationship I just ended because he was hung up on his exes too, checking them daily on social media while ignoring me. I guess they’re more comfortable at a distance. Plus his exes weren’t that into him. And me being anxious attachment, I probably over did it in the relationship.