Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
This is so great Alan. Thank you. I just left a relationship and I realize one of my beliefs was 'love conquers all' and 'if you love someone you don't abandon them!' My ex-partner had deep attachment wounds and it was so hard but whatever I did, it was never enough. He drained my very soul! I feel sad because I do love him, but I know I did the right thing.
I'm loving you ability to put into word so specifically.......Thank You for the articulation in you explanations. ..wow.. I'm alone, I have fears, but I am also independent and have a difficult time verbalizing many of emotions....I feel as if I had C-PTSD growing up and was busy raising my 3 children with a husband that also was traumatized as a child....I needed to hear your wisdom way back when......Have a great day Alan and your insight has helped me pinpoint a few questions I never even knew to consider what had been plaguing me all of these years....
Thank you for acknowledging my ability to articulate my thoughts. I am aware that it is a gift that I do not take credit for. It's something I was born with. I'm glad to hear my words are well received. Thank you for the comment.
My core belief is valuing loyalty. No more misplaced loyalty for those who are substandard. No more. I'm out the door when my needs go ignored. There are other fish in the sea. Crumbs of affection from the emotionally available. No thank you.
@@jessd956 Hi Jess, I am so sorry to hear that. I finally found the strength to move on. It was hard. You can do it. But remember the dark period will end. Unfortunately I am finding myself stuck in another one. A different kind but at the end of the day it leaves you with the same empty feelings. When you wear your heart on your sleeve unfortunately you are permitting some to take their sweet time at your expense. But, don't be afraid to be yourself. There is nothing wrong with you and me. Walk away! That is where you find your strength! Best of luck! Let me know how you are doing.
Dr. Robarge, Oh thank you, thank you!! This video got me “unstuck” deciding between staying or leaving what I feel is a toxic relationship. Sadly, I’ve endured much (my therapists say “suffered” instead). I chose to list all my core beliefs first and journaled about them. Then I wrote segments on the behavior I SEE from my partner now on these beliefs. I did the same with what I feel are reasonable “relationship” beliefs and expectations” such as weekly date nights, increased time for sex, weekend getaways every 6 weeks or so, planning more vacation time, learn a new skill or hobby together. These are all affordable, doable, and perfectly within his realm to control. I’ve spent enough time being married to realize he and I deviate on at least three core beliefs (truthfulness, trust, dependability). But the “marriage beliefs” aren’t really in sync at all. I’ve been strongly considering leaving for 2 years. I did my (your) homework; pretty sure the answer is right here in front of me.
wow this makes so much sense, i blame EVERYTHING bad that happens on myself and all bad things that happen are my fault. wow i totally feel that i don't deserve any better, and that i'm lucky to have someone even notice me. i also feel that i am abandoning him and leaving breaks my mind. yes i was abandoned by my mother as a young girl. the last time i left a guy it was so intense that i had a mental breakdown - the guilt of leaving him was too much. now my bf hits me and i cant leave him because i 1000000000% believe that him hitting me is my fault. and yes, i have never been alone, i have always had a man in my life, i am too afraid to be alone,maybe because i don't know how to protect my heart, spirit and soul. i feel safer having a man to keep me safe.
Oh bless you. You say that you think you need to be with a man so you feel safe. The irony being that you're with a man who hits you therefore you are far from safe. I do hope that you will find the courage and strength to stop abandoning yourself and leave so you can live the life you deserve. Love to you
Excellent advice and very true. I always felt that I deserved so much better, but doubted my ability to find that relationship. A bit like someone else (probably my mother) decided that I didn’t qualify for the normal good things
Great insight. Glad this video spoke to you. Thank you for valuing my effort to explain in a way that is accessible. It has taken me years of study and healing process to uncover these dynamics. Also, if you like this video you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Alan, I just subscribed to your channel because your videos have been a tremendous help in my understanding the damage done to my self esteem due to the dysfunction of my family and how I can recover from the trauma. I hope you consider sharing your insight and knowledge by writing an Amazon ebook. I certainly would be the first to buy! Thanks for your all helpful videos.
Excellent example and explanation of cognitive dissonance! Great job, Alan! I used to explain this to my step daughter when she was young by saying that your values and beliefs are like your wardrobe. You need to pull them out from time to time and see if they still fit or if they still suit your and your lifestyle. People change, people grow. Just like your wardrobe, your beliefs and values need to change to accommodate.
"I dont deserve better" with the several failed relationships and a child of chaos "If I change, I can fix it"....core beliefs I've struggled with. I've made progress through therapy and your videos, I've been leaving when it's not healthy...painfully though, it's hard to challenge old patterns.
The More I Watch Your Videos I Get Inspired & Become More Aware Within! The Only Thing Is The Men I Talk To In A Intimate Way Seems To Never Be @ The Level of Awareness Like Myself; Is This Normal? Am I An Over Analyzer? or Healthy
Great awareness. I'm reminded of how core beliefs can get us stuck in one-sided relationships. It's so important we're talking about this. Thanks for commenting. Please also share this video with a friend who may benefit. Thanks.
Yes. Core beliefs come from family and culture. You're not alone in struggling to identify that. Usually our core beliefs are so taken for granted and so much part of our "normal" that we have a hard time really illuminating them. I would think you are so immersed in your core beliefs that you are unable to name them easily. I'm less likely to agree that you are "that far gone." Hmmm? Some core beliefs. Keep in mind that core beliefs are mostly highly personal. Self = I am....I am capable. I am a fraud. I am listened to. I can make a difference in this world. I will most likely be alone for the rest of my life. Also we have core beliefs about many areas of life. For example, core beliefs about money. Money = I will never make enough money to feel comfortable. Or money is dirty. etc. And we have core beliefs about gender. Women are....Men are....Women are inferior. Or Men are emotionally dumb. The last ones about gender cross over into cultural stereotypes or cultural commentary. We have to ask ourselves do I actually believe this? And lastly, the core beliefs I am referring to on the video are about worth. I matter. I don't matter. I'm worthy. I'm worthless. I'm good enough. I'm not good enough. I'm likable. I'm not very likable, etc. I hope this helps. Thanks for the comment.
Yes...it does help quite a bit.....I have internal beliefs and know that I'm good, I'm worthy, I deserve....but it's my family that has not told me anything nice about me......it's very odd....I felt for a number of years now that I must have done something wrong. .....I know it's not all me......I pulled away and I feel better...Thank You for all you do to help us find the way ♡♡
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank you so much for defining the core beliefs of worthlessness and abandonment. Now I can address my needs verbally when I seek counseling. Your clarity is just so on point and you help us see what our needs are and simplify what we need to do to get them met. Alan, you are the universal parent we all want and need. Bless you for being who you are and sharing in our transformations.
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
____
Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
____
I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
____
Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
____
Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
This is so great Alan. Thank you. I just left a relationship and I realize one of my beliefs was 'love conquers all' and 'if you love someone you don't abandon them!' My ex-partner had deep attachment wounds and it was so hard but whatever I did, it was never enough. He drained my very soul! I feel sad because I do love him, but I know I did the right thing.
I'm loving you ability to put into word so specifically.......Thank You for the articulation in you explanations. ..wow.. I'm alone, I have fears, but I am also independent and have a difficult time verbalizing many of emotions....I feel as if I had C-PTSD growing up and was busy raising my 3 children with a husband that also was traumatized as a child....I needed to hear your wisdom way back when......Have a great day Alan and your insight has helped me pinpoint a few questions I never even knew to consider what had been plaguing me all of these years....
Thank you for acknowledging my ability to articulate my thoughts. I am aware that it is a gift that I do not take credit for. It's something I was born with. I'm glad to hear my words are well received. Thank you for the comment.
My core belief is valuing loyalty. No more misplaced loyalty for those who are substandard. No more. I'm out the door when my needs go ignored. There are other fish in the sea. Crumbs of affection from the emotionally available. No thank you.
4Exquisite Service that's my belief but I'm in the stuck phase. Hoping someday I'll be saying the same thing.
@@snowwalker9999 I’m stuck too.. were you able to move on? Hoping you’re happy and well.
@@jessd956 Hi Jess, I am so sorry to hear that. I finally found the strength to move on. It was hard. You can do it. But remember the dark period will end. Unfortunately I am finding myself stuck in another one. A different kind but at the end of the day it leaves you with the same empty feelings. When you wear your heart on your sleeve unfortunately you are permitting some to take their sweet time at your expense. But, don't be afraid to be yourself. There is nothing wrong with you and me. Walk away! That is where you find your strength! Best of luck! Let me know how you are doing.
Dr. Robarge,
Oh thank you, thank you!! This video got me “unstuck” deciding between staying or leaving what I feel is a toxic relationship. Sadly, I’ve endured much (my therapists say “suffered” instead).
I chose to list all my core beliefs first and journaled about them. Then I wrote segments on the behavior I SEE from my partner now on these beliefs.
I did the same with what I feel are reasonable “relationship” beliefs and expectations” such as weekly date nights, increased time for sex, weekend getaways every 6 weeks or so, planning more vacation time, learn a new skill or hobby together. These are all affordable, doable, and perfectly within his realm to control.
I’ve spent enough time being married to realize he and I deviate on at least three core beliefs (truthfulness, trust, dependability). But the “marriage beliefs” aren’t really in sync at all. I’ve been strongly considering leaving for 2 years. I did my (your) homework; pretty sure the answer is right here in front of me.
wow this makes so much sense, i blame EVERYTHING bad that happens on myself and all bad things that happen are my fault. wow i totally feel that i don't deserve any better, and that i'm lucky to have someone even notice me. i also feel that i am abandoning him and leaving breaks my mind. yes i was abandoned by my mother as a young girl. the last time i left a guy it was so intense that i had a mental breakdown - the guilt of leaving him was too much. now my bf hits me and i cant leave him because i 1000000000% believe that him hitting me is my fault. and yes, i have never been alone, i have always had a man in my life, i am too afraid to be alone,maybe because i don't know how to protect my heart, spirit and soul. i feel safer having a man to keep me safe.
Oh bless you. You say that you think you need to be with a man so you feel safe. The irony being that you're with a man who hits you therefore you are far from safe. I do hope that you will find the courage and strength to stop abandoning yourself and leave so you can live the life you deserve. Love to you
Excellent advice and very true. I always felt that I deserved so much better, but doubted my ability to find that relationship. A bit like someone else (probably my mother) decided that I didn’t qualify for the normal good things
Great insight. Glad this video spoke to you. Thank you for valuing my effort to explain in a way that is accessible. It has taken me years of study and healing process to uncover these dynamics.
Also, if you like this video you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Alan, I just subscribed to your channel because your videos have been a tremendous help in my understanding the damage done to my self esteem due to the dysfunction of my family and how I can recover from the trauma. I hope you consider sharing your insight and knowledge by writing an Amazon ebook. I certainly would be the first to buy! Thanks for your all helpful videos.
Excellent example and explanation of cognitive dissonance! Great job, Alan! I used to explain this to my step daughter when she was young by saying that your values and beliefs are like your wardrobe. You need to pull them out from time to time and see if they still fit or if they still suit your and your lifestyle. People change, people grow. Just like your wardrobe, your beliefs and values need to change to accommodate.
"I dont deserve better" with the several failed relationships and a child of chaos "If I change, I can fix it"....core beliefs I've struggled with. I've made progress through therapy and your videos, I've been leaving when it's not healthy...painfully though, it's hard to challenge old patterns.
Thank you my friend
The More I Watch Your Videos I Get Inspired & Become More Aware Within! The Only Thing Is The Men I Talk To In A Intimate Way Seems To Never Be @ The Level of Awareness Like Myself; Is This Normal? Am I An Over Analyzer? or Healthy
resonate
Mine was do my best and i will get what i want eventually 💔 that was the biggest waste of time
Great awareness. I'm reminded of how core beliefs can get us stuck in one-sided relationships. It's so important we're talking about this. Thanks for commenting. Please also share this video with a friend who may benefit. Thanks.
We need skills for communication
cool😃
Could you possibly give us a list of typical core beliefs.....I'm that far gone !!
Yes. Core beliefs come from family and culture. You're not alone in struggling to identify that. Usually our core beliefs are so taken for granted and so much part of our "normal" that we have a hard time really illuminating them. I would think you are so immersed in your core beliefs that you are unable to name them easily. I'm less likely to agree that you are "that far gone." Hmmm? Some core beliefs. Keep in mind that core beliefs are mostly highly personal. Self = I am....I am capable. I am a fraud. I am listened to. I can make a difference in this world. I will most likely be alone for the rest of my life. Also we have core beliefs about many areas of life. For example, core beliefs about money. Money = I will never make enough money to feel comfortable. Or money is dirty. etc. And we have core beliefs about gender. Women are....Men are....Women are inferior. Or Men are emotionally dumb. The last ones about gender cross over into cultural stereotypes or cultural commentary. We have to ask ourselves do I actually believe this? And lastly, the core beliefs I am referring to on the video are about worth. I matter. I don't matter. I'm worthy. I'm worthless. I'm good enough. I'm not good enough. I'm likable. I'm not very likable, etc. I hope this helps. Thanks for the comment.
Yes...it does help quite a bit.....I have internal beliefs and know that I'm good, I'm worthy, I deserve....but it's my family that has not told me anything nice about me......it's very odd....I felt for a number of years now that I must have done something wrong. .....I know it's not all me......I pulled away and I feel better...Thank You for all you do to help us find the way ♡♡
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank you so much for defining the core beliefs of worthlessness and abandonment. Now I can address my needs verbally when I seek counseling. Your clarity is just so on point and you help us see what our needs are and simplify what we need to do to get them met. Alan, you are the universal parent we all want and need. Bless you for being who you are and sharing in our transformations.
Hi there