@Ill Bag the empathy gained from experiencing so much lack.. the humor we turn to when we learn to cope... the resiliency and patience that we learn from the darkness we are confronted with.
I've noticed that people are a lot more severely damaged from narcissistic mothers as they are from narcissistic fathers..... I do believe children need a father to provide for them and give them stability in life but I think when they have a narcissistic mother it totally kills their very inner soul
I agree. I think because men tend to be more overt narcs. Where women are more covert. Many people are well into adulthood before they realize that their mother was a narc. And you can just think of so many things you lost in life and how manipulated you were. Narc dads are often tyrants that other people see. Where with mothers you'll hear, "Oh but your mom seems so nice" Obviously there are exceptions to the rule. But I think the covert narcs just cut deeper because it's such a slow realization of what happened to you.
I say that on occasion too. I hope I’m never like all those evil narcissists I once knew. Everyone in my family was one and they all thought they were so wonderful. They shamed me and blamed and then shunned me completely and the last part was the best thing ever. No contact for 6 ish years. I’m sure they’re still wallowing in their narcissistic ways and probably not happy people without this scapegoat to bash around. I do hope they’re miserable.
That was my prayer. But as I hit challenges, I pushed myself to succeed and hide my low esteem. I ended up with my own issues, but I understand and can heal it. You can make amends and be real, which is what matters in the end❤️
This is my relationship with my narcissistic mother. I was shamed for being my authentic self as a child. I was spoiled with gifts at Christmas and birthdays but I was never spoilt with love or affection or given a compliment. Now as a 31 year old adult I have been in therapy for almost 2 years which has helped to open my eyes to reality. I was so conditioned by my mother she controlled my whole life and tried to take over raising my son. I’m so glad I’m free and now see the truth. Thank you for this video 💕
OMG.....Same here. My mother was very generous materially yet i was completely neglected. Now that she's older and with cancer, she's gotten worse and the abuse has now escalated to the point she unmasked...it's pure emotional and psychological abuse at this point but looking back I see the same..somehow i could never be myself yet i can't pinpoint why or what happened to cause that. I remember feeling shame as a toddler but i never knew of any specific incidents that caused this. It's been very subtle and she's the ignoring type..just NO interest or involvement in my life..all she has is excuses to not be involved and i get all the projection and blameshifting as the scapegoat. I'm sick of it at this point.her golden child son is all the way across the map and all he has to do is report in lies once a week..i'm close and am the one who helps her yet i get crapped on. I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with this after a series of abusers in my personal life thanks to her setting me up to attract them as an adult. She waited for my downfall and losest point when i needed support to kick me when i was down and same with her son whom i've gone no contact with and it pains me deeply..i never knew this about my brother either. I am struggling with the hatred i've developed for her because i don't want it and it pains me she chose to leave this legacy for herself. She didn't have to do what she did to me but she did and it sucks for both of us. I worry about her soul and what will happen to her when she passes...sorry to hear of your situation but i can definitely relate and hopefully things improve.
I’m 31 now & have a narcissistic mother too! It’s hard for anybody to understand what this is like. It’s not easy to explain. Ive been in therapy for a decade. I only recently found out what narcissism was in real life.
Beautiful. Wish I could be free from these demonic wacko mother. My life was completely ruined..and to find out so late in the game REALLY makes me bitter. The anger is so deep within me..its like cement. Huh, I wanted to compliment you on your post and wound up talking about me. Sorry. I didn't intend it to be. Your post resonated with me and kinda validated the c#ap I've swallowed over the years. I love her and hate her at the same time. How f$!$kd up am I huh?
This is one of the best videos I've seen on TH-cam that explains the relationship between a narcissistic mother and her daughter or son.... I'm 59 years old and the anger I feel at just waking up and realizing how used I've been and why I was never able to have a normal relationship ...... It's so sad and I'm so angry Thank you so much for this video
I'm right there with you! I am so incredibly angry! It's as if I had been living in some alternate universe and now I am having to rebuild my life from scratch at 52 years of age. Sigh!😕😯
This is my mother....being raised in an ethnic home, it was all about her. She was superior over my father and she ruled with an iron fist. She ruined all of my relationships because she never thought they were good enough, my mother didn't care about me falling in love, it was more about what he can provide. From the stress, I got cancer at 24, recovered. 7 years later I married the man of her dreams and she would threaten and manipulate if I decided otherwise. My sister died from cancer at the age of 38 and it absolutely devastated me, not surprisingly, my mum recovered quickly. I divorced after 18 years of marriage as I started despising myself and this nearly killed her. Tell me, a mother who says to her daughter ""your divorce affected me more than your sisters death", does she deserve to be a mother????
Im happy you recovered from cancer! My mother was the same. Tried to force me into arranged marriages so many times with men I had nothing in common with and who had red flags but they were her dream men. She straight up told me “ I don’t care if you end up get divorced as long as you aren’t living with me”. I never let her force me into a marriage though and I know she hates me for it.
I am so sorry that you had went through this my heart goes out to you. I hope you continue to heal yourself from all the sickness and hurt you've been through.
@@la6136 basically your mother wanted to feel superior over you and she wanted to have so much control over you. She did not care about your happiness because it was not benefitting her wants and needs.
@@la6136: sorry for being so late - but yes indeed, they do trying to force their daughters into arranged marriages - and then control that marriage as well - they are real devils and demons - destroying their own childrens life for the worst.
Once I figured it out at the age of 48 I was mad at myself for not seeing it and allowing it to happen. The best revenge is taking care of yourself physically, challenging yourself everyday and going no contact.
If you need "revenge", then they're still controlling you, aren't they? Seeing yourself clearly is the way forward. When you develop the empathy that they didn't model or nuture, you will hopefully be able to start to view them with some compassion, whether or not by any objective measure they deserve it. Remember that they probably didn't get to be that way entirely on their own.
im only now starting to think my mom has been secretly destroying my relationships with anyone who she could contact for the last 40 years. the thing im struggling to understand is why none of them came to inform me....
By the time I left home to go to college, I had no language for my feelings and no practice expressing them, which created a lot of problems for me as my feelings would bubble up and I would feel great resentment, frustration, and anger. I also had no idea who I was, I had few boundaries and the ones I had were weak, and I had little idea of what I was capable of. I had to spend decades of my adult life learning the skills I did not get in childhood due to my narcissistic, disinterested mother and narcissistic father.
I'm 40 and only came into this realisation this year. I still have to get the right treatment and don't know how after being directionless all this time I could expect to make a proper life for myself. Socially I'm fine but with work I find myself believing that I'll not succeed and I can't ever feel certain about any of my life choices.
My mother-in-law was a Narcissist. Although we are still married after 38 years, and she's been dead for 12 years, our marriage is destroyed from all the damage she has caused in his childhood and our marriage..
Mine too. I'm married nearly 40yrs. My husband was the scapegoat in his family - his brother was the smohered golden child who was never allowed a life & their father was the weak enabler. I was also the scapegoat & my brother the golden child - our father was the narc tyrant & our mother the weak enabler who clung to her son who hated me & was jealous of me. Our marriage has been destroyed by my husband's mother - she"s been dead 2yrs & the anger i feel is immense - i'm angry that i was never allowed to stand up to her & didn't know about narcissism until a few yrs ago. I'm angry that the people in my life who were supposed to hsve nurtured me, loved me & at least have my best interests at heart used me & took advantage of my better nature - i was frightened of upsetting anyone because of the reprisals. My mother told my brother she would envy his wife when he got married. My father told me i was the cause of all his marital problems (so i was the one responsible for him grabbing my mother by the throat, throwing her downstairs & raping her). He hated me because i reminded him of his sister who got away with all sorts & was the favourite - he was going to make sure i didnt turn out the same. My husband's mother hated me because not only did i take her little boy away feom her but i went on the have the daughter she always wanted & blamed her husband for not giving her - he himself told me that. She realised i could see her for what she was so turned her whole family against me & tried to take control over my daughter. My husband's mother is probanly a narc himself & still a virgin at nearly 60yrs old. We went no contact but her insidious tentacles carried on reaching further. My husband took up with our daughter where his mother left off & said if she leaves home so would he. He had affairs, trying to relive the teens & 20s he was never allowed to have. He resented me for being the one to get him away from his controlling mother as he couldn't do it himself. I fought hard to bring our daughter up well but she was in danger of being sucked into narcissism herself as she resented me & was jealous of me for a while. i protected her from her father's moods because i knew what it feels like to be controlled by them myself - she sided with her father & it was a very, very lonely place for me to be during those years. She now has a partner & is making a life for herself which i fought hard for her to do - to be independent - & i've had to impress upon my husband that her priority is now him, not us, he's the most important peraon in her life - it's the eay of the world - but he's srill very over helpful with her & will defend her to the hilt, talking me down. Trouble is, he now speaks to me & treats me in the way he wished he'd have had the b*lls to do so to his mother yrs ago so it's still not over & he's nearly 70. I have cptsd, m.e.,fibromyalgia & a whole host of other things, & have suffered panic attacks & depression since age 14. I've been treated like a parriah by doctors & even my own family - no one ever stopped to ask or investigate why i was suffering these things - my nervous system's shot ro pieces as i was very bullied at school - never knowing what i'd walk into when i got there, & never lnowing what i'd walk into when i got back as my father was very violent to my mother & myself. It's no good my intellegent brain telling my body & emotions i am no longer back in the 1970s as all that doesnt happen now, because the body keeps the score (like amputees who still feel their foot is itching even though it's not there anymore). Some days i feel utterly bereft as the weight of all i've been through weighs very heavy on my soul. I'm not allowed to talk about it to my husband as he just gets angry & thinks i should be able to put it behind me like he has. My various hobbies - when i'm well enough to do them - help, but i fear i will never have peace in this life.
My mother partly caused problems in my golden child brothers marriage. Enmeshed with son. Mother enmeshed men Ken adams videos on TH-cam are spot on. My covert mil did this to me. She lives Next Door even!
Living with a narc mother is like living with a bully u so desperately want to get rid of or get away from but cant because im stuck with them and ill never afford to get out
I can understand the gift thing. My mom always has strings attached to her gift giving. I still have trouble accepting gifts and/or "love", wondering what it's going to cost me personally, what the expectations are that are attached to it.
Narcissistic Mother 1. child isn't seen or heard. being authentic doesn't do anything. (I expressed my needs. she denied them. I agreed. I went crazy, said I was going crazy, she told me to never say that again. 3x. then I broke and lost it all a few days later.) (she worries more about neighbors hearing us fight, than wonder about our problems) (kids develop OCD ) (don't know how to be intimate) (doesnt know who they really are) (mom cared about looks the most.. house decoration, she put up Christmas tree by herself even though parents live separate in same house for 15 years. gotta keep herself in the dellusion)
The damage that they do is unimaginable,I find myself in a homeless shelter in las vegas still ruminating ,I can't stop it it's fuckin with my head.,I'm not going back no matter what, my whole family has destroyed me,I will find my way,I will be happy, I will find the happiness I never had if it's the last thing I do, I promise myself, because me is all I have, I lost 98% of my family in a split second and it hurts so bad,it's as if they have died but they're not dead. What scares me the most is that my love for them has turned into something ugly and dark,this is not me , they did this to me why did they do me like this, the ones that were supposed to protect me and have my back, like I did for them my entire life, there's so much stuff happening in my head I need guidance I need to talk to someone that cares about me so bad but I simply don't have that right now ,I really need help I have no one,I got this, I'm stronger than they thought I was, they couldn't break me and oh man did they try,I will be ok one day, I will fight for my recovery til my last breath.I can't believe that for a split second I contemplated suicide ,it was that bad,but life is so beautiful I hate my self for even thinking about it.To who ever is going through this situation, please don't give up, you are not alone even though it may feel that way there is someone out there that cares for you and loves you,there are good people in the world we just got to find each other.
Some people never figure it out. So I guess better late than never. I figured it out just last year. After a whole lifetime of questioning myself though. I’m 31 now. I also realised what emotional incest was/is. So I feel less crazy now.
It's never too late. You are worthy of love, respect & boundaries. You are also so much stronger than them, that's why you were a threat to the mask they wear. ❤ & health 😃
I'm 56 and just put the pieces of the puzzle together a few years ago. My Mom, dead now 10 years, was totally not the person I loved, and almost worshipped, all my life. I gotta learn to love myself now, and not fear having boundaries. We all deserve basic human happiness and respect. I wish us all good long lives so we can see life as it really is, and learn to adapt. Peace to all... 🦋🐞🦋
@@daisyd8790 i'm 44, same here. It's the 'if i'd have known this as a kid'.. i feel your pain and dissapointment with the whole situation, I wish you peace, love and light on your journey Xx
@@aking3624 I respect your viewpoint and I don't mean to diminish or disrespect your opinion, but sometimes it is too late. People just don't write about it much if at all.
I realized at an early age my mother was all about appearance . My honesty got me into trouble often . Still does . Both parents are narcissist as is my golden child sister . I have no family . Three months ago the decision was made to go no contact from all the lies , the backstabbing , guilt and shame . There was lots of physical , emotional , verbal and also some sexual abuse . Now in my late 50's I am supposed to continue to tolerate this ??? On another topic , should a person that has been sexually abused by their father , beat and berated , be expected to care for him in his later years ? My sister who was NEVER beaten or abused says yes . I am a selfish bitch in all their opinions . They are all cowards who are afraid of truth . I'm out ,but it hurts like Hell and on my mind 24/7 .
You and your feelings are valid. This internet stranger is proud of you for doing what is best for you. Family isn't always the people who raised you. I hope you have a beautiful and fulfilling life... we who were abused by narcissists will prosper and not continue their cycle!!
Do not allow the known to be selfish golden child guilt you into taking care of an elderly abuser. Leave them to each other and finally start to live your life for yourself. I’m rooting for you. No guilt. No obligation.
My mother has been a narcissist. A real energy parasite. Trying to control every aspect of my life, always making negative comments. It really brought me down. Now I went no contact for 3 months and I feel way better. I cut ties with all family who has contact with her and everything we have related. All people. She literally destroys my life from behind the scenes and I arrived to such a depression that I was almost becoming like her. Honestly, I don't want to have anything to do with that psychopath who is not even worth to be called mother. I keep all hidden from her. I have this feeling that whatever she comes to know, she will be able to destroy in a way or the other. I rejected her and all the things she has. She is really like a cancer for my life. I fear that if I keep in touch, she will ruin my marriage and all the good things that I have built since I left her home 10 years ago and travelled around the world. I came back for two months only, and she stole all my joy. I really don't want to have anything to do anymore with that parasite.
My mother was very narcissistic quite likely has NPD and I was definitely the scapegoat. She even took me out of high school my freshman year so I could spend the rest of my time in her house being 100% under her thumb 🤢🤮 thank you so much for making these videos 🙌🏼🙌🏼
Dude, where tf were you 10 years ago? I have been trying to tell people about this for years. I've been falsely committed and labeled. If I defend myself from this, then I'm an animal and have no control. Yet, I've told the authorities and everyone can't "do anything". I actually have a diagnoses now because of this
@@mithungangolli I’m curious how your mother smothered you that would cause you to fail? I ask because my brother is a golden child and he wasn’t smothered just spoiled
@@AC-ew2xr I'm curious how cabin crew loser trolls and follows people everywhere nd asks her cabin crew questikons all the time . Ask non rhetorics..... google rhetoric ...... and then come back pretending to be the expert ....... more often that's why some people struggle to grow as managers ;)
@@mithungangolli I have no clue what this even means but if this is a smart alek response its poor one . I was asking a bona fide question to making you the troll for responding just like a narcissist troll would. No one here is impressed by your delusion to know it all. The cabin crew loser troll here is you. Go troll someone else hoping to be recognized for your understanding of big words which by the way you have no idea to form in a sentence. Unbelievable. No response required as I will not feed monsters. What an idiot. Much less no one here follows “ everyone “ around. Cabin crew loser? You’re the cabin crew member revisiting your own post a week later jumping to conclusions responding with rubbish in your failure to read the question properly jumping the gun to false conclusion I was rude. Screw you and your stupid response because you provided the answer. You’re the narcissist that’s why. You’re delusional.
Dad was a rageaholic who terrified people but the real Devil in our home was my 'unassuming' manipulator mother who played the victim (martyr) but really controlled everything passively, covertly from the sidelines. She had the outside world convinced she was a long-suffering 'Good Wife' who loooooved her kid but inside she was pushing my Dad to the brink every minute of the day, and teaching me subservience and how to be her caretaker.
They aren't sorry and blame you for being toxic when you say stop. They yell and scream at you for asking respect and trying to set boundaries. Were never good enough. We arent capable of making choices abd choosing feelings or thoughts. I know what I feel. Loss, ruined, betrayed, duped, resentful and hate. This is what they wanted. Now they are happy but they don't say that. They give an evil smile, a look of satisfaction, they are pleased with themselves and finally happy again. I am not vengeful but always thought this world was justified. It is not. There is nothing.
They do have the evil smile. I said to her that her family cannot trust and cannot love and you are all proud of it. There’s a bully in her and her siblings. They use religious judgment to avoid love and to feel superior.
Mom wore the pants, dad was submissive, my mom hated men. She would berate me and tear apart whatever self respect I had. Mother would smother me at my dads expense placing us in direct competition. I found that I could go from golden boy to born loser at the snap of a finger. Attachment trauma hurts core shame/ self loathing, fear of rejection/ abandonment, I am unlovable for who I am and lovable for what I do for you and what I don't do for me. Human doing vs human being, relationally and emotionally isolated = pathological loneliness, SLDD addiction, HUMAN MAGNET SYNDROME WITH NARCISSISTS.
Exact same story WITH the weak submissive dad. In fact for a split second I literally wondered if I had written your comment in the past and I had to do a double take of your username just to be sure it wasn’t me. Fortunately for me I am the total opposite of my father and I do not tolerate narcissistic people. Most stay clear, perhaps because my body language warns them away. Now, I’ve only been like this since my late twenties (I’m 59 now), but from childhood to my late twenties I was like a doormat but then I got fed up and put a stop to it.
@@Medvetz63 I was 53 yrs old at my computer, wondering why people would always take advantage of me when I realized I needed to hurry so as not to miss the monthly raffle at the place where I lived. My raffle number came up near the end, and only a couple of prizes left. The landlord yelled for me to grab the doormat. God does have a sense of humor. I was a doormat.
100% agree. The so called neglectful narcissists (Dr Ramani talks about it) are horrific they treat you like you don’t exist on top of devaluing you and worse in all kind of way. No matter what they pretend to the outside world they really don’t care what happens to the child they only care about themselves and their image. They’re the biggest punishment to every child and the trau*a they cause will last a life long. The best thing you can do is cut them out of your life for good
I’m glad I got out of the situation when I did and realized that my mom is a manipulative person. I got sheltered to the extreme, couldn’t do anything, now I’m much happier now. I had to get therapy, there’s no way I can reconcile with her. My mom was coming after me about my financial situation, what vehicle situation, my friendships with people (no matter what race), my travel, who I stayed with, the job I should have, my military life, me not to speak at all, me doing anything, even having time to myself, etc. She even threatened me for me dating someone outside my race, stalking my Facebook page and I had to block all contact with her. She’s no longer a part of my life. It’s a relief, my childhood was a difficult one and now I’m better off without her, almost 40 years old and my mom has issues with how my life is, she can never accept me doing my own thing, she used me as a puppet, never accepting me for me.
@@mypetrockowns well it was like a trend and I felt real stupid from the beginning of not seeing the true colors of who my mom was til last year where she was doing right in front of me. She had no reason to speak for me saying I shouldn’t have a family or demanding me to see someone when I said no. That’s showing disrespect and I have memories of her doing things like that from over the years. You have to see the trending behaviors of the person for yourself.
Me and my family are still a vicitm of a Narcistic mother, everyday is like living in hell, luckily I already moved out and have my life of my own, but my siblings and my father are still there. My father is sick but instead of taken care of him, she is always giving him emotional stress making him more sick, I really dont know what to do, sometimes Im thinking of hurting my mother for doing this to us, but I never did because I still think of my father, Im just lucky I have a good father. Thanks for this videos, it will really help a lot
This is what happened to my father. He was sick and had back injuries and couldn't work. My mother yelled at him everyday, blamed him and insulted him. She drove him crazy. Once he couldn't handle it anymore, he got drank and tried to kill her. Although he made a mistake, I have always had the feeling she drove him to do that.
My mother was a full-blown narcissist. My dad was her enabler. He never protected me or my brother from her wrath. My brother and I did not get to be brother and sister. She had a way of keeping us separate, under the same roof. I have tried to connect with him several times over the last 20 years, but he has no interest in hearing from me. I have stopped, because it was too stressful.
As a child / adolescent with health problems and mild stutter, my life was pretty miserable (love bombing and emotional smothering was also present in abundance) but now that I'm aging and the distancing from my toxic parents is making me a better person.
I'm 52 years old my mom was a narcissist and totally controlled me and still kind of don't know who I am I did a good job raising my kids and was anything but a narcissist but I became codependent now that my kids are gone and my husband passed away I'm in limbo I don't know what to do with myself right now I still sometimes don't know what to do with my life now
My mom used to always ask me if I was talking smack about her im therapy and it was a 'joke' but it wasn't. Probably why I'm mastering in psychology. I've been through old and homelessness because I couldn't just say what I felt without being attacked. She's broken up multiple relationships of mine as well.
I'm going through a life void. I'm lost. Everything you said at the end was me. Yes, We were raised by a narcissistic mother who we assume also possibly has bipolar or personality disorder.
I relate to what you said especially about the gifts. Gifts are very easy tangible things a narcissist can you use to guilt trip you you. "Remember I got you this expensive [insert item]." That is why a narc parent will be extravagant in some cases.
My narc mother ruins my life .....I hate her...Both of my mother and aunt made my childhood very very traumatic......Narcissistic parents should really be exposed....
I just went no contact with my mother. I am 29. I am so broken, but I have 2 children and a husband and they deserve the best version of me. I am in therapy and I hope it will help.
I was raised by a Narcissistic mother. I was born with Epilepsy and was always a tomboy. She was obsessed with me being her definition of "normal". She was convinced by my kindergarden teacher that I had ADD, I was never tested, but she dragged me in that afternoon to a Doctor's office and put on Ritalin. I was having staring spells which were mistook as me not paying attention. I was put on that drug...which only made the seizures progress further into Grand Mal territory by the time I was in my teens. I was not allowed to keep a journal because she would read it and berate me for it. When I got into heavy metal, she would throw a fit and claimed I was into devil worship. The music was actually calming me, but she blamed everything on it. She threw away my collection many times. By the time I was 16, I was having grand mals and was so depressed I would cut my arms up with razor blades. I'm now working on getting tattoos to cover the scars because I am way past that. I'm in therapy, and after playing Musical Chairs with my Neurologist with medications, we finally settled on Medical Marijuana in 2019. My last seizure was Nov. 2020 and the therapy is helping me a lot.
I'm sorry to hear that. and yes women can lie about their own Family's health before knowing the truth. I think my Family did this to me too. you probably need to not only run away. but only keep a low profile. and there are hotlines to call and tell your problems to.
My mother didn’t want to hear about me having depression or anxiety, she said I didn’t know what depression was, unlike her. She said she knew all about depression and anxiety. When I started to have my seizures, she started telling her friends how it was her fault, how because of her I have seizures. (My mom has seizures as well). Completely took away the sympathy I was getting from my family and friends. I tried to talk to her about these problems and how she has been talking to me and she refuses to believe me, she turns it around on me and says well look how you treat me, look how you been talking to me lately, look how you treated me when you were a teenager. I can never do anything right in her eyes. I am always in the wrong.
I agree 100% on this because I felt the same way. It’s a frustrating situation, my mom thought I was the one who’s supposed to take care of her when I have my own life and my older brothers were super pushy in demanding me to move back home to live near mom or visit mom when I constantly said no and they wouldn’t listen. My mom turned manipulative on me and then threatened me on so many things, didn’t want to let me talk and it was like wow- my own folks wanted me to suffer for my mom’s bad situation. I had to part ways, my sister, older brothers were super blind in not seeing who she really was. It felt like I didn’t have no say in anything I was doing and she didn’t want me having any sort of life and it was affecting my health, blood pressure and well being and I couldn’t deal with it anymore so I had to get rid of these people from my life. I’m a more free person, I still have nightmares from time to time of who my mom really is, folks can say she’s protective of me but that’s a bunch of garbage when I know for sure she was a very abusive parent altogether and got the behavior from my late grandma.
I definitely always felt like a trophy/ accessory. Always felt like I had to follow a certain path to make my mom happy. I was dubed as the one child in the entire family to accomplish greatness in comparison to everyone else failures. It’s definitely arraigned the relationship w/other members in my family. I Never felt like I could be myself..if I did I’d be the bit of the joke..I was extremely goofy and was pushed towards being overly serious. I seriously struggle with making connections with others..I get extremely uncomfortable because I’m always searching for what is acceptable or wanted.
You and I are considered to be the “golden child”. Look it up. My mother chose me because I did not give her any grief. My brother and sister fought against her and she rejected them. It’s sad.
Wow this explained perfectly what I feel. If it wasn’t for the fact that I continued to speak up about the abuse , I would have continued to be the “golden child”.
It's very hard to develop or find oneself without authentic feedback when the parent is preoccupied with their own emotional needs or using you to cope or support. I was also pulled out of school at age 5 and kept home. Thanks for explaining why my relationship s never go beyond superficial and I attract narcissist partners. Lots of lightbulb moments!!!
I raised myself until I left home at 17. She has never visited me, she has called me once in 35 years and that was to tell me my sister had a baby, however its like my son doesn't exist and basically if I dropped of the face of the earth she would not notice. Believe me I have tried to have a relationship with her but I could have more of a loving relationship with a chunk of granite...the last time I visited her she told me she had cut me out of her will and basically she does not want me at her funeral..she has said and done some horrible things in the past but she has hurt me once too much that I don't ever want to see her again and the funny thing is I don't even know what I have done. Since leaving home at 17 I have never asked her for anything...
My mother would tell me this all of the time verbatim "I'm the mother"...so it has to be right". Very childish and I have no remorse on why we don't speak anymore
Sums me up perfectly.Got away from my narcissistic mom and emasculated enabler father.You couldn't do anything for them without being punished eventually.Always some kind of turmoil in the family.Making a very very long story as short as possible but I had a friend who told me that it sounded like my mom was a narcissist and when I did some reading and watching these videos,I was shocked.All the pieces fit together perfectly.In the back of my mind I knew something was wrong in our,family but just thought it was the way it was.Now I know why.Bad thing is I didn't get wise to her until I was almost 45 yrs. old.We tried a therapist but that didn't last long and in the back of my mind I knew it wouldn't but was just trying to get her to see what her problem is.Boy that didnt go over well and I was suspicious it wouldn't.So I went no contact and doind the best I can to get over lifelong narc.abuse.Its not easy but I have made progress.Im learning boundaries and how to have some respect for,my self and not be such a people pleaser.I feel better but I'm going to need some help sometime I can feel it.Anyway,great video.I watch another doctor from time to time and he is helpful also.
Yeah, cut the narcissists out of your life. Use the energy to focus on a business, on a hobby or something else you enjoy. Eventually you will stop even thinking about it. You have to wip it away from your subconscious. Listen to stuff like this while you sleep. This will implant more positive vibrations into your subconscious an replace all teh negative residue left by the narcissist. th-cam.com/video/gSUhu4SqmPA/w-d-xo.html
I relate to your comments. Same situation for me. I learned at 48 years old what I’ve been struggling with for my whole life and once I learned it was a Narcissistic Mother and a Flying Monkey Step Father, I realized what my problem has been and why I am the way that I am. I am semi no contact and moved to another state. I’m much more relaxed but I think about my family everyday since they’re older and don’t understand who they are and what their problem is. They see me as the problem. Lol. It’s ridiculous but that’s their disorder. We developed amazing personalities but now we need to heal, get confidence and do less people pleasing. Our eyes are opened and it’s time to put in the work. Keep it up
I realized last year that I had no sense of self. If someone asked what are your hobbies, what do you like to do, what do you want out of life? I had no idea. For the first time in my life at 28 I started using cannabis which caused me to delve deep into my mind and think about myself. Before I had read or researched anything all I could tell people was “It feels like I’m finding myself. Like finding out who I am.” My mother was a very high strung individual who would scream and cuss at me starting at a very young age. I’m still working through all of this.
I'm 49 and fully went nc 8 years ago. She still controls everything, even my daughter- through my younger sisters. I'm being pushed out of the family and suffer tremendously, even my kids don't really want to see me. Any attempt to explain, is being literally trampled down by them. I'm not the only one who suffers, in this family. But I'm the only one who takes all the blame on herself
Story of my life. Wow. Almost identical. Thanks for this validation. I thought I was crazy for years. You have no idea how much these few minutes helped me. Thank you so much
Yes I had Stockholm syndrome I didn’t move out till 25 . I knew once I left I would not be in contact with my family but that was scary for me at 18 so I stayed till I couldn’t take it anymore
Omg, this makes so much sense. I went from a mother who bullied and bossed my father around, to falling in love with a woman who totally is a career woman, and the father of her children was really the woman in the family. Her son even said to me that their gender roles were switched. But I often felt I was the one with the narcissistic need for love, resenting her when she couldn't give it. I had massive ammounts of shame. While she was very narcissistic outwardly, but with me she seemed more co-dependent. Anyway it was fucked up. Getting over it now.
I am so happy I found you and your videos. I have been on a journey to find myself since a complete and total break down 4 years ago and I am STILL working through a lot of this as I couldn't, or didn't want to even say out loud to myself or anyone that my mother has narcissistic qualities or probably is fully NPD... I felt bad for talking "badly" about her, even though it's all true. She used to take me by the shoulders and stare into my eyes as a young child and tell me "And we don't talk about anything that goes on at home with anyone outside! You don't talk to your friends or schoolmates, or teachers about anything. No one needs to know our dirty laundry, it's our business and no one else's". I never felt like I could ever voice my opinions, concerns or needs. When my parents would scream and break things (nightly) sometimes I would get so upset having to listen to it through my bedroom door, trying to get some sleep before school the next day and I would open my door and scream for them to "STFU!" and it was ALWAYS met with even more rage and anger, and a typical response from her of "YOU STFU and get back in your room! This doesn't concern you, stop being so selfish!". Eventually I stopped fighting back and stopped saying anything all together. I chose to be a mute within the household. It was safer. I would spend entire days in my bedroom, only coming out every so often to pee or get a glass of water. Sometimes I would be starving but she always watched TV in the kitchen and I was too afraid of a confrontation to bother to get any food. Then it was all about getting made fun of by her and my elder sister for how I was always in my room and "acting depressed". I was depressed. And seriously considering taking my own life for many years at that point. I felt I had no support from day 1 and in our house it was every man/woman for themselves. The love was conditional and often taken away if I did anything that was out of line of what she wanted or told me to do. At 19 I packed everything I could fit into my car and drove west across the country. For a few years I barely spoke to them, always feeling guilty for being "such a bitch" for not wanting to talk to them. But it gave me so much anxiety to even call because I never knew how the conversation would go, or how badly I would feel about myself afterward. Somewhere down the line I just started compartmentalizing sections of my life. I tried to just talk to them about current day events and not let the underlying, unsaid stuff bubble to the surface. But it was always there, slowly eating away at my soul. I finally recently told her that I had major issues I wanted and needed to talk about with her and that I could no longer just "be pleasant". She screamed at me, talked over me until I stopped talking and then called me a brat. We haven't talked since. I sent three text messages from a calm place, telling her that just because I'm upset and need to talk, doesn't mean that I stopped caring for her and I would love it if she would just talk with me. She's ghosted every text. The other day she texts me that she's thinking about me with a heart and wondering how I'm doing. I proceeded to reiterate what I had said in the last three texts that she ignored and guess what? She ghosted again. I now realize that unless I'm in a "good mood" and only talking about positive things... she wants nothing to do with me and my pain and problems aren't on her list of importances. It's been a really hard pill to swallow and I'm not really sure how I'm managing right now. But hey, I'm not rich and bills need to be paid so I get up and I go to work, but it's such a mind f&^k. Thanks for listening and for making me feel like I'm not completely and utterly alone.
Dear One, there is one huge "Mistake" you making. You expecting Closure and or Sanity from someone who can not give it and probably even wouldn't if they could. The Best Thing You can Do is be the Parent towards yourself which you never had and "liberate" yourself by allowing yourself to become happy. Yes, you are allowed to be happy. Stop expecting her to be a Mom or Love from her....i KNOW this is very hard pill to swallow, but it leads to the Path of Freedom, I had to do this too.....we must accept them for who they are, we have a Right to say, think and do whatever we want and most of all to say NO to anyone of anything which endangeres our Peace of Mind and Happiness and we are responsible for our Actions and Happiness, it can be very painfull at first......but we must let go, they also have a Right to be who they are....to be assholes....so to speak..... and we can not control or change them HOWEVER we can change and control our Reaction or rather how or if we react AND whom or which treatment and behaviour we allow around us and in our lives or towards us. Bringing someone in to this World does NOT give them ANY right to abuse you in any Way.....if she chooses to do so .....walk away and take "Revenge" by being gentle and patient towards yourself and loving yourself and becoming happy. And if possible seek Therapy like post Traumatherapy or DBT. P.S: by constantly seeking Validation from her you only feeding the Narc in her..... she will not see her Ways and the Way she sounds she is very high on the Scale and feeds of off making you feel bad. Please Do let it go, try to find Solace and Happiness for Example in Nature, (Swimming in the Sun, example. ) Books, Healthy Food (homemade Strawberry 🍓 Icecream) etc.whatever it is, even being lazy some Days reading Comics in Bed eating Cookies.....enjoy your Life, your Health, your Body.....Nature etc. The little Girl in You needs that. You need You. 😘🤗✨🕊️
You are totally not alone. My story is so similar to yours and my heart breaks hearing you tell your story. You are not a brat or bitch at all, but it seems pretty clear your mom is horrendous. I’m so glad you got away, but I sympathize and relate to how difficult it will be to still process and separate emotionally from your mom. It’s gonna take time, but many survivors are out there with you. Dear, I send you strength and wishes that you don’t need to talk to her again. She will NEVER hear you and NEVER wants to talk abt anything of substance. And it’s a waste of time for you of your precious life. I hope you heal eventually and find peace within and only engage with ppl who love you as who you are. ❤️
What makes it worse, a child with disabilities being raised by a narcissistic mother. I'm still dealing with the effects of that. my mom would always point out my flaws, even in public, and when I would try to tell her how I felt, she'd say I'm lying, and I to cut the "pitty party". I have Asperger's, and other disabilities, and when I went to elementary school, she was so sweet until she was mad and when I went into middle and high school, she flipped a switch. She only cared about if I got as and bs on report cards, I was grounded for every C, when she got mad, which was mostly at me, she was so scary fight or flight kicked in and without being able to think about it I'd spit out a lie unintentionally, and always let me know how I'd lost her trust. She was at that time, the total opposite to my brother, so much so that he'd be mean to me. At that time, I was constantly trying to survive bullies at school, and at home. Then I began seeing the school counselor, who gave me a lot of good advice. I started talking to my friends and family about it because I didn't trust my mom would realize she was hurting me. She'd turn right back, and tell everyone I was talking crap about her, and how she did nothing wrong. That stretched on throughout high school. Then as an adult , she'd judge me by the way my beard looked, and my weight. She'd call me a bum, a slob, and said that my weight gain was all due to my diet, even though she's known for years I have hypothyroidism. She left my stepdad's house, and by then, I was really damaged and down. I've got septo optic dysplasia, and see from my left eye only and I've been that way since birth, and my mom would try to get me to work in a factory full of people that were completely blind, and almost all were 2 to 3 times my age at the time. She'd say I should mainly hang out with other disabled people, and I'd never get to work in a hot rod shop, and never be able to drive, although I've raced go karts, driven quads, ridden my bicycle a long distance to home at night, and have driven a Ford truck around a friend's place and didn't even get nervous. It came naturally to me. Then after all of that, she screamed at my brother for a simple mistake. My face was red. As my brother started to cry, I just rocked in the chair clenching my fists thinking how yelling at me was one thing, and how dare she makes my younger brother cry over one tiny mistake. Now my brother and I are in our 20s, and we barely talk to mom, because we know what she is capable of. I love her so much, and I hope she gets help for this, but I doubt she will. So all I can do is keep praying for her. Like any good son would.
Tell me about it. Mine is so far gone, that this year, she had 2 birthday parties for herself (one with her step family and one for my brother, the Golden child and me.) She kept talking about wanting to go to a state park for her birthday, and I thought, knock yourself out. When my birthday rolled around 2 weeks later, she tried to force me to do what she wanted to do with me on my birthday, which was to celebrate her own birthday on...you guessed it, mine. My brother always gets to choose his own way, I am an object to her, a fleshly extension of her, and who has tried to control how I wear my hair, what I wear, makeup, etc. Oh, the horror, the horror! I'm almost 60 and only discovered this year what she has been doing to me my entire life. She takes credit for my accomplishments (I have a BA, MA, and PhD in English), have published, but punishes me for my failures.
Thank you for your videos, they are very enlightening. I only discovered them today. I was raised by a narcissist (my gran, dad's mum) in a 4 generation family . He was covertly emotionally abused by her, I took on the emotional rescuer role in the family for my dad, was being emotional abused by my mother as well, which I only now realise, so in fact being emotionally abused by gran, dad and mum. Moved away from the family as far as I could to the other end of the world, only to realise that that does not make any difference. When I look back at my own relationships (I never wanted to get married, now I know why), I was only ever in relationships with men who were also emotionally abused. Now I think I might have turned into a narcissistic mother myself, my son is 18 now and I have had to work very hard not to be a helicopter parent and also not to use him for my emotional needs. I just wish he does not have to feel they way I always felt. Also I would love to experience a functional relationship for once if there is such a thing which I am not sure of.
Man this is so eye opening! You really have a gift for taking a complicated subject and breaking it down into a digestible concept that everyone can grasp. Thank you so much for making these videos! 🙏
Absolutely. But when you truly love yourself and you decide only to allow that self to be around other ppl who love her It’s gets so much better even faster! It’s a long process, but it does not have to be completely miserable. You’re never alone if you have you!!! ❤️🧡
@Catullus 85 That is encouraging. I'm still economically stuck with this Soul sucker N mother. A black hole (Space terms) she is, just sucking ALL the Light and life from me. Can't stand her..yet, this woman is my mother? Wish it was as simple as taking her back to the store and getting a Childhood 'Refund'
@@BetterOff735 hmmm I wonder if she wants you financially dependent on her. She’s “helping” you. There’s a way to get out, it’s up to you. It may not be what you pictured with your life but you have to start somewhere if you ever want to heal & be happy.
Exactly.Narcissistic mothers marry passive men, as they need to feel in power and control. They treat their spouse as a supply, and then they do the same to their children. You are not there, except when you serve their needs. And even then, it is because they see you as an extension of them, not as a separate human being.
I always knew my mother had a problem! she’s a full blown narcissist… always being violent and act destructive around me. takes her anger out on me. all bcuz I’m disabled. she silenced me and told not talk my feelings to anybody!! cuz I can’t expose her for who she really is. walking on eggshells to keep the peace
The ‘narc’ parent wants an acquaintance - not a child. They feel resentful for society’s dictates regarding parental responsibility. They will never show an ounce of responsibility to anyone even if they know they’ve ruined lives. They have the cunning of an entire legal team- they are experts at evading responsibility and “getting away with it”.
My mother is a narcissist. I have been very hurt by her. Because I tried to exercise my free will and not get the jab my mom called me a killer and I told her that her calling me names hurt me and she chose to keep on calling that and I went no contact
Thank you for including the spectrum. I used to see narc mother videos that were so extreme that I almost thought my mom wasn't one. Your video describes her perfectly. On top of what you said, a lot of us end up having chronic illnesses from our constant survival mode.
I struggle with my own mother, everything revolves around her and she can make everything to be about her or and experience she's had or something. I'm 30 years old and I still have to help her with absolutely everything because she refuses to learn or apply herself to learn anything and it's absolutely infuriating, I have contemplated suicide more times than I can count, I've been to therapists and everything, I don't know what to do, I just want to be as far away from her as possible but I have the perfect apartment with the perfect tenant absolutely everything I could ever want, but it's too close to her... Help me, please!
You must be able to find the courage to not be responsible for her, and stop having contact for a while. Its the only way. Period. Its extremely difficult, I know this all too well. But you must. Itll be the best decision you ever made.
@@AfroMyrdal the guilt trips are a horrendous form of abuse.. ive just recently heard an onslaught of it as my covert egg donor narc is nearing the end of her life at 49, due to substance and extreme alcohol abuse of course. Ill spare the content of the guilt trips as they are exactly what you imagine a psychopath would say to hurt their offspring. But I control when I speak to her and when I don't. It will not get better, my friend. They will get worse and coerce you into wasting more of your life while cannibalizing your soul. You have had the strength to get this far, and that's truly saying something when abused like this in only the way one of us can understand. You have it in you to break free and be your own man. It is not easy, but holy damm it doesn't take long to realize how easier it is to breathe when you're free.
I have done more work in my life because of this. I have spend over a decade of my life in solitude to try to get a deeper understanding of it all. I am sending love to all who are suffering because of this . There is light at the end of the tunnel🙏🤍
I have so much disdain for my mum. Said she kept my dad in my life despite the chaos him and my mum exhibited around me because he was “my father”, never has said anything positive about me, isolated me, guilt trips me. It’s hard to grow a sense of identity and trust with your decisions when you’re an only child too. She live in her own world and I hate it.
I literally get ill if I'm around my mother too long. I'm so uncomfortable around her. She asks the same questions over and over again even after I answer. She will not leave me alone she has control over my 30 year old half brother I don't know what she wants from me
Yes, spot on about the obsession with appearances, show and gifts. It was a revelation to me to spend Christmas at a friend's house where there were few gifts, imperfect table settings and a burned turkey but it was my best Christmas ever with spontaneity, some broken dishes, silly games, chaotic children and a dog that was sick on the carpet though none of it was a drama turned into a crisis, just a group of people at home with themselves and their honest "failings and imperfections."
I've been in therapy, I've read books, I've watched videos ...yet your explanation/description hit home with me in a way that others have not. I've been struggling and grieving these relationships as long as I can remember. Sadly, the intensive counseling that most of us need is out of reach in the US. Thank you for putting this content out into the world. The impact is immeasurable.
Thank you for your channel Brad..I have been researching the cluster B spectrum intensively now tor 2 years and you are filling in some missing links in regards to my situation with a very dysfunctional family of origin of which I am no contact with for 2 years and living in another country. ..I am finding all the reasons I have had symptoms of abuse all my life but healing deeply now..much love..💙
I agree, you explained everything I experienced. If you express your experience they feel funny and to them you’re downing them. The phony image portrayed by them basically is projected on you and you’re pretending too since you’re shaped into what they want. It isn’t until your older you start seeing you don’t know yourself and that hurts the heart, trying to find yourself and figure you out one day all of a sudden. I also agree that if you’re ok on the outside you automatically assume you’re ok on the inside. When you make yourself appear as ok, you’re protecting this phony image so on the outside to everybody else you’re always seem so amazing but with that there’s wanting to talk because you’re burdened. I’ve played this part, I say it’s playing the position of protector for not exposing everything I experienced. I don’t trust my feeling or know what I feel and it this is an issue in making decisions myself. If I don’t know what I feel or why I feel especially the extent if I’m exaggerating it or overlooking it, I tend to not know what I want to do decision wise and then Im seeking support in the narcissist.
It hasn’t been until recently years that I even understood what a narcissist was. My mother has ruled with an iron fist since the beginning and checks all the boxes for narcissism. I am 59 now and hope that when she passes I can live lol g enough to experience peace.
Absolutely right....as a result i have struggled through life because of it. Its really horrible going through this crap.... even now I'm middle age and have my own family, she never asks me how i am....me and my family have moved, only 40 minutes away, but when i told her and my dad, i had complete silence, absolutely nothing, no good wishes, no interest....think her attitude stinks... its time to do things for me, i have always struggled with this, i ended up being a people pleaser which is not a good thing....
It’s so crazy because I went my entire childhood very lost and confused. I couldn’t make a clear identification of who I was. I could never make friends because I just wanted to make people happy. Similar to how I interacted with my “grieving” widowed mother who assigned me the job of being her husband.
I am so glad I found this video. It gave insight into a lot of things I went through that I've not seen discussed in a lot of other videos on this subject. It felt good watching this and having my feelings and experiences validated. Thank you!
Dear Mr B Shore, Although not everything you say applies to my relationship with my own mum, your video still means a lot to me. I thank you for its existence. As a (male) survivor of ghastly physical & psychological abuse in childhood at my unfathomably & unbearably narcissistic mother’s hands, I can't resist the urge to point out that in today's world most people (at least in a typical modern & developed society) realise that it's simply moronic & incredibly naïve to presume that ALL policemen/women must be upright and law-abiding individuals, as there are now verified reports & documented cases of police officers abusing their legally endowed power for illegal or immoral ends. Then, why don't/can't people apply the same wisdom to their perception of parenting? Just think of the shocking & horrendous Austrian case of incest that came to light in 2008 where an evil father Josef Fritzl imprisoned his own daughter Elisabeth in a cellar for years and compelled her to gratify the selfish desires of his body! I truly deserve to be called an idiot and a monster if I request Elisabeth to celebrate Father’s Day or if I rashly conclude that hers is only a rare and isolated case! Is a person who dares to assume that parental maltreatment of children never (or rarely) occurred in all human history less insane than someone who proclaims that no firefighter has ever committed arson in all human history?
Thank you so much!! You described my childhood to a T. Im 40 years old and this is still happening. Even though I haven't seen my mother in 6yrs. She now has my kids and entire family Against me.she covered up sexual abuse and neglected me of medical and mental care.pure evil. I use to turn to substance abuse and dealt with it in a very unhealthy way.no more! Not spending another single year in bondage
Proudly called my mother (we live far away) to tell her that I finally retired after 37 years of busting my rear end for the government. Her response: "What do you want me to do? Jump up and down?" There is no pleasing these types of people.
@@BradShore Brad, after I retired, I took a trip to Thailand and upon returning I told my mother that I had such a great time that I am already planning a second trip to which she screamed into the phone: "You can't go back to Thailand"! She hates to see people having a good time, is that yet another trait of these people?
You are so right. Echoes my childhood exactly. I realise that my late mother was a covert narcissist. I couldn't figure it out at the time but I can now.
My mother is still alive. I am so grateful I figured this out now, all for my benefit, not hers. I do enjoy the look on her face when she realizes she's been found out.
Thank You Brad. I am happy to have discovered your videos. I have been researching narcissistic moms because I am finally doing the work/therapy to look at and face my childhood, so that I can heal. 😌 ❤️
God, I love this video !!! I can breath slightly better emotionally. Especially the comments of all of us who have 'fought in that WAR ZONE' I feel I can still have hope to LIVE.. To Live AS ME !! No way near that - still living with (and grudgingly taking care of) the 90 year old Card board cutout of a 'mother'. She destroyed my father over the years. Crushed his spirit and enslaved his soul - he passed 7 months ago.
Wow, you're explanation is very concise and on point! Your insight and personal experiences with Narcissistic abuse is both respected and appreciated. Thank you.
I have Asperger's and was raised by a narcissist and was also the scapegoat. I now have borderline and other mental health issues caused by the abuse. Can you please make a video about being on the spectrum while being raised by a narcissist and the effects of it? I am severely damaged and need help to see.some.sort.of light at the end of the tunnel. I've had so much therapy and medication in my life as well as DBT twice and CBT. Mom loved forcing pills on me as well.
DBT can be helpful, but I highly recommend psychodynamic therapy if you do have a "Borderline personality". Basically, you need a relationship with a dedicated person that will give you the parenting that you did not get enough of growing up; that includes handling the "crazier needier" parts of yourself-- to really heal you need to address that. I recommend a psychodynamic therapist who relates well to you. DBT helps with coping skills, psychodynamic therapy with a good therapist heals what's deep down inside. My two cents.
@@TheOHenry666 I had a personal dbt therapist I did group and one on one as well as CBT. I have been in a healthy relationship for four years. A huge part of it was dating asshole tbh. The relationship with my mom is just meh now.
Fantastic information. I'm such a person. I'm 36 and unable to feel feelings for people or animals. I'm cut off from my feelings and very aware of it. I don't have many friends and I feel like an emotional vampire. I scare people away. I don't know how to feel good, to like myself or others. I find avoiding people is the safest bet as my emotional vibe just terrifies people. Although I would love to feel love and connection, I have no idea how to get there from where I am. But, it's certainly worth pursuing for the rest of my life as life without nice feelings is no life at all. I'm also sick and tired of freaking people out. The problem is inside I feel dead and people pick up on it quickly. I wonder how to find a suitable therapist? What kind of therapist is sufficiently trained to be able to help people like myself who are amongst the most weakest and most pathetic people alive (physically but not emotionally). Thanks for any suggestions or pointers 😁🙏
You have great insight, and you're well on your way to recovery......finding a good therapist you resonate with is not much different from finding a church/religion you really like----or finding the right partner to date or marry. It is indeed a search -- but a great search -- and you have all the power. So perhaps make 5 to 10 appointments with different therapists (most will offer a free consultation); meet them and see how you feel---are they understanding you? Do you feel safe with them? Do you have a good vibe? It's worth a long search because once you find the right match you can do years of work if you'd like---and it can be life-changing. Best wishes to you!
@@BradShore thanks Brad. I'm studying IFS and know that it's my Self that is missing that I need to recover. Yeah! I do need to find a therapist but unfortunately in my state I can't work or earn, have been homeless a lot... So, I'll continue researching, studying and trying to figure it out alone. Although, on facebook I've joined a group and some of the responses I get are profound. People don't really get that I know with complete certainly that a part of me is missing. The part for doing life, experiencing emotions, connecting with others. Instead, I spend my life thinking and isolating as people are aware that somethings wrong with me. I am doing the best I can but it's better that I avoid people and actually I'm really starting to enjoy my alone time. Neediness and desperation have subsided after lots of work. If only I could find my Self and live from a place of having a self instead of being empty and shell like. I should never have been borne and would prefer not to have been but maybe I'll figure it out and be able to share with others how I found my Self that's full of emotion, joy, love etc. I know I'm not a bad guy with Self, without it, I'm weird and freak people out a lot. Kind of a bit like a psychopath except I'm not interested in harming anyone and in fact would much rather help people wherever and whenever I can.
Its so difficult to watch the video, because I've to stop every few minutes to process it. I so appreciate your honesty, and hugs to you. I'm in my 40s and the destruction of my soul by my parent was catastrophic. But I'm making it out, but by miniscule bit. The initially integrated child is everted out to fit and fill every need of a toxic adult. Its just immense torture.
My mother is exactly as you describe in this video, but my siblings don't seem to notice it. One sibling is the "golden child" and seems to enjoy the attention he gets. The other sibling got involved in gangs and substance abuse but seems to have a strong bond with our mother. I, on the other hand, never felt loved by my mother and was once consumed by her trying to control my life. Not to mention, she NEVER apologizes and constantly uses manipulation to get what she wants. There is a side of me that feels sorry for her while the other part of me wishes she would stay out of my life and leave me alone. Folks including family often say, "forgive your mother" or "the past is the past". Why is it so hard for people to understand my issues with my parents don't have anything to do with the past but what's happening in the present? What can I do to get my parents, particularly mother, out of my head?
Me too - raised by a malignant narc "producer" - she almost did kill me - made me homeless when I just turned 17yo. - she ruined my sons life while he got raised by her his first 7 years - most important time in a childs life, right. When he turned 19 yo. he became diagnosed with ASPD - and it was horrific bec. narc producer tries to put all blame on me - while I was a single mom and had to take care about my job education. Never forget her violent, emotional abuse and the lonelyness I had to go through while I grew up - all by myself. Only god can forgive what she did to all of her children and her both husbands - when she finally died, 92 yo. - all I felt was a big relief and a very big mother wound inside of me. All of my other siblings became narc./toxic people - no contact - I feel like an orphan - until today - a motherless child - but I did survive all that madness until today.
I notice that the people who have been able to heal from this type of abuse, seem to have the best personalities
@Ill Bag the empathy gained from experiencing so much lack.. the humor we turn to when we learn to cope... the resiliency and patience that we learn from the darkness we are confronted with.
@Harrison Kristian Yup, have been using instaflixxer for since december myself :)
@@harrisonkristian8355
I'll have to try your
recommendations.
Couldn't hurt, right ?
🚀🦋☄
@@daisyd8790 actually, it could - I've seen this sort of comment tag-team before a few times, and usually others point out the scam/ virus link
Same thoughts here. 😊
I've noticed that people are a lot more severely damaged from narcissistic mothers as they are from narcissistic fathers..... I do believe children need a father to provide for them and give them stability in life but I think when they have a narcissistic mother it totally kills their very inner soul
I'd say 'Wounded' not damaged.
We ALL get purple hearts for having been through a War Zone.
The result is the same either way...coming from a daughter of a NF.
I agree 100% because typically it is the mother that takes on the majority responsibility for the emotional development of the child!😉👍
......yep
I agree. I think because men tend to be more overt narcs. Where women are more covert. Many people are well into adulthood before they realize that their mother was a narc. And you can just think of so many things you lost in life and how manipulated you were. Narc dads are often tyrants that other people see. Where with mothers you'll hear, "Oh but your mom seems so nice"
Obviously there are exceptions to the rule. But I think the covert narcs just cut deeper because it's such a slow realization of what happened to you.
Still recovering from my evil one.
Help me God to not be like them. Ever.
I am afraid of becoming like my abusers.....Trauma is too much...
I say that on occasion too. I hope I’m never like all those evil narcissists I once knew. Everyone in my family was one and they all thought they were so wonderful. They shamed me and blamed and then shunned me completely and the last part was the best thing ever. No contact for 6 ish years. I’m sure they’re still wallowing in their narcissistic ways and probably not happy people without this scapegoat to bash around. I do hope they’re miserable.
That was my prayer. But as I hit challenges, I pushed myself to succeed and hide my low esteem. I ended up with my own issues, but I understand and can heal it. You can make amends and be real, which is what matters in the end❤️
How did you end up realizing it? Trying to get my ex to realize it too
You won’t repeat the cycle: if you are learning about narcissism and aware, that’s key to keeping you from becoming One Of Them. ❤
This is my relationship with my narcissistic mother. I was shamed for being my authentic self as a child. I was spoiled with gifts at Christmas and birthdays but I was never spoilt with love or affection or given a compliment. Now as a 31 year old adult I have been in therapy for almost 2 years which has helped to open my eyes to reality. I was so conditioned by my mother she controlled my whole life and tried to take over raising my son. I’m so glad I’m free and now see the truth. Thank you for this video 💕
OMG.....Same here. My mother was very generous materially yet i was completely neglected. Now that she's older and with cancer, she's gotten worse and the abuse has now escalated to the point she unmasked...it's pure emotional and psychological abuse at this point but looking back I see the same..somehow i could never be myself yet i can't pinpoint why or what happened to cause that. I remember feeling shame as a toddler but i never knew of any specific incidents that caused this. It's been very subtle and she's the ignoring type..just NO interest or involvement in my life..all she has is excuses to not be involved and i get all the projection and blameshifting as the scapegoat. I'm sick of it at this point.her golden child son is all the way across the map and all he has to do is report in lies once a week..i'm close and am the one who helps her yet i get crapped on. I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with this after a series of abusers in my personal life thanks to her setting me up to attract them as an adult. She waited for my downfall and losest point when i needed support to kick me when i was down and same with her son whom i've gone no contact with and it pains me deeply..i never knew this about my brother either. I am struggling with the hatred i've developed for her because i don't want it and it pains me she chose to leave this legacy for herself. She didn't have to do what she did to me but she did and it sucks for both of us. I worry about her soul and what will happen to her when she passes...sorry to hear of your situation but i can definitely relate and hopefully things improve.
I’m 31 now & have a narcissistic mother too! It’s hard for anybody to understand what this is like. It’s not easy to explain. Ive been in therapy for a decade. I only recently found out what narcissism was in real life.
You are lucky!
My narcissist mother didn't give me anything except headaches.
@@winning3329 oh I get the headaches too trust me
Beautiful. Wish I could be free from these demonic wacko mother. My life was completely ruined..and to find out so late in the game REALLY makes me bitter. The anger is so deep within me..its like cement.
Huh, I wanted to compliment you on your post and wound up talking about me. Sorry. I didn't intend it to be. Your post resonated with me and kinda validated the c#ap I've swallowed over the years. I love her and hate her at the same time. How f$!$kd up am I huh?
This is one of the best videos I've seen on TH-cam that explains the relationship between a narcissistic mother and her daughter or son.... I'm 59 years old and the anger I feel at just waking up and realizing how used I've been and why I was never able to have a normal relationship ...... It's so sad and I'm so angry Thank you so much for this video
I'm right there with you! I am so incredibly angry! It's as if I had been living in some alternate universe and now I am having to rebuild my life from scratch at 52 years of age. Sigh!😕😯
Perfectly stated. I share the EXACT sentiments..im 58
@@louniece1650 im 52 feel the same way.
I’m 58, and knows exactly what you mean.........
56
This is my mother....being raised in an ethnic home, it was all about her. She was superior over my father and she ruled with an iron fist. She ruined all of my relationships because she never thought they were good enough, my mother didn't care about me falling in love, it was more about what he can provide. From the stress, I got cancer at 24, recovered. 7 years later I married the man of her dreams and she would threaten and manipulate if I decided otherwise. My sister died from cancer at the age of 38 and it absolutely devastated me, not surprisingly, my mum recovered quickly. I divorced after 18 years of marriage as I started despising myself and this nearly killed her. Tell me, a mother who says to her daughter ""your divorce affected me more than your sisters death", does she deserve to be a mother????
Im happy you recovered from cancer! My mother was the same. Tried to force me into arranged marriages so many times with men I had nothing in common with and who had red flags but they were her dream men. She straight up told me “ I don’t care if you end up get divorced as long as you aren’t living with me”. I never let her force me into a marriage though and I know she hates me for it.
I am so sorry that you had went through this my heart goes out to you. I hope you continue to heal yourself from all the sickness and hurt you've been through.
@@la6136 basically your mother wanted to feel superior over you and she wanted to have so much control over you. She did not care about your happiness because it was not benefitting her wants and needs.
In answer to your question, No! She does Not deserve to be a mother.
@@la6136: sorry for being so late - but yes indeed, they do trying to force their daughters into arranged marriages - and then control that marriage as well - they are real devils and demons - destroying their own childrens life for the worst.
Once I figured it out at the age of 48 I was mad at myself for not seeing it and allowing it to happen. The best revenge is taking care of yourself physically, challenging yourself everyday and going no contact.
If you need "revenge", then they're still controlling you, aren't they? Seeing yourself clearly is the way forward. When you develop the empathy that they didn't model or nuture, you will hopefully be able to start to view them with some compassion, whether or not by any objective measure they deserve it. Remember that they probably didn't get to be that way entirely on their own.
How did you end up realizing it? Trying to get my ex to realize it too
im only now starting to think my mom has been secretly destroying my relationships with anyone who she could contact for the last 40 years. the thing im struggling to understand is why none of them came to inform me....
By the time I left home to go to college, I had no language for my feelings and no practice expressing them, which created a lot of problems for me as my feelings would bubble up and I would feel great resentment, frustration, and anger. I also had no idea who I was, I had few boundaries and the ones I had were weak, and I had little idea of what I was capable of. I had to spend decades of my adult life learning the skills I did not get in childhood due to my narcissistic, disinterested mother and narcissistic father.
I came into my own in college. I finally became myself. The moment I was out of that house......
It took me decades too! This may be the last piece of the puzzle. Good luck 🤗
I'm 40 and only came into this realisation this year. I still have to get the right treatment and don't know how after being directionless all this time I could expect to make a proper life for myself. Socially I'm fine but with work I find myself believing that I'll not succeed and I can't ever feel certain about any of my life choices.
@@DrJ-hx7wv same here! And when I returned home the abuse got worse. Then I got married and she got worse! No contact now.
I’m just like this
My mother-in-law was a Narcissist. Although we are still married after 38 years, and she's been dead for 12 years, our marriage is destroyed from all the damage she has caused in his childhood and our marriage..
Mine too. I'm married nearly 40yrs. My husband was the scapegoat in his family - his brother was the smohered golden child who was never allowed a life & their father was the weak enabler. I was also the scapegoat & my brother the golden child - our father was the narc tyrant & our mother the weak enabler who clung to her son who hated me & was jealous of me. Our marriage has been destroyed by my husband's mother - she"s been dead 2yrs & the anger i feel is immense - i'm angry that i was never allowed to stand up to her & didn't know about narcissism until a few yrs ago. I'm angry that the people in my life who were supposed to hsve nurtured me, loved me & at least have my best interests at heart used me & took advantage of my better nature - i was frightened of upsetting anyone because of the reprisals. My mother told my brother she would envy his wife when he got married. My father told me i was the cause of all his marital problems (so i was the one responsible for him grabbing my mother by the throat, throwing her downstairs & raping her). He hated me because i reminded him of his sister who got away with all sorts & was the favourite - he was going to make sure i didnt turn out the same. My husband's mother hated me because not only did i take her little boy away feom her but i went on the have the daughter she always wanted & blamed her husband for not giving her - he himself told me that. She realised i could see her for what she was so turned her whole family against me & tried to take control over my daughter. My husband's mother is probanly a narc himself & still a virgin at nearly 60yrs old. We went no contact but her insidious tentacles carried on reaching further. My husband took up with our daughter where his mother left off & said if she leaves home so would he. He had affairs, trying to relive the teens & 20s he was never allowed to have. He resented me for being the one to get him away from his controlling mother as he couldn't do it himself. I fought hard to bring our daughter up well but she was in danger of being sucked into narcissism herself as she resented me & was jealous of me for a while. i protected her from her father's moods because i knew what it feels like to be controlled by them myself - she sided with her father & it was a very, very lonely place for me to be during those years. She now has a partner & is making a life for herself which i fought hard for her to do - to be independent - & i've had to impress upon my husband that her priority is now him, not us, he's the most important peraon in her life - it's the eay of the world - but he's srill very over helpful with her & will defend her to the hilt, talking me down. Trouble is, he now speaks to me & treats me in the way he wished he'd have had the b*lls to do so to his mother yrs ago so it's still not over & he's nearly 70. I have cptsd, m.e.,fibromyalgia & a whole host of other things, & have suffered panic attacks & depression since age 14. I've been treated like a parriah by doctors & even my own family - no one ever stopped to ask or investigate why i was suffering these things - my nervous system's shot ro pieces as i was very bullied at school - never knowing what i'd walk into when i got there, & never lnowing what i'd walk into when i got back as my father was very violent to my mother & myself. It's no good my intellegent brain telling my body & emotions i am no longer back in the 1970s as all that doesnt happen now, because the body keeps the score (like amputees who still feel their foot is itching even though it's not there anymore). Some days i feel utterly bereft as the weight of all i've been through weighs very heavy on my soul. I'm not allowed to talk about it to my husband as he just gets angry & thinks i should be able to put it behind me like he has. My various hobbies - when i'm well enough to do them - help, but i fear i will never have peace in this life.
My mother partly caused problems in my golden child brothers marriage. Enmeshed with son. Mother enmeshed men Ken adams videos on TH-cam are spot on. My covert mil did this to me. She lives Next Door even!
Living with a narc mother is like living with a bully u so desperately want to get rid of or get away from but cant because im stuck with them and ill never afford to get out
I can understand the gift thing. My mom always has strings attached to her gift giving. I still have trouble accepting gifts and/or "love", wondering what it's going to cost me personally, what the expectations are that are attached to it.
Yes good deeds are hanged over your head
Narcissistic Mother
1. child isn't seen or heard.
being authentic doesn't do anything.
(I expressed my needs. she denied them. I agreed. I went crazy, said I was going crazy, she told me to never say that again. 3x. then I broke and lost it all a few days later.)
(she worries more about neighbors hearing us fight, than wonder about our problems)
(kids develop OCD )
(don't know how to be intimate)
(doesnt know who they really are)
(mom cared about looks the most.. house decoration, she put up Christmas tree by herself even though parents live separate in same house for 15 years. gotta keep herself in the dellusion)
ive been dealing with some losses. i try to discuss them with my mother, you know what she said? "yeah yeah I must be the worst mother ever, right?"
The damage that they do is unimaginable,I find myself in a homeless shelter in las vegas still ruminating ,I can't stop it it's fuckin with my head.,I'm not going back no matter what, my whole family has destroyed me,I will find my way,I will be happy, I will find the happiness I never had if it's the last thing I do, I promise myself, because me is all I have, I lost 98% of my family in a split second and it hurts so bad,it's as if they have died but they're not dead. What scares me the most is that my love for them has turned into something ugly and dark,this is not me , they did this to me why did they do me like this, the ones that were supposed to protect me and have my back, like I did for them my entire life, there's so much stuff happening in my head I need guidance I need to talk to someone that cares about me so bad but I simply don't have that right now ,I really need help I have no one,I got this, I'm stronger than they thought I was, they couldn't break me and oh man did they try,I will be ok one day, I will fight for my recovery til my last breath.I can't believe that for a split second I contemplated suicide ,it was that bad,but life is so beautiful I hate my self for even thinking about it.To who ever is going through this situation, please don't give up, you are not alone even though it may feel that way there is someone out there that cares for you and loves you,there are good people in the world we just got to find each other.
How did you end up realizing it? Trying to get my ex to realize it too
Hope all is great I’m dealing with the same situation right now except I’m not homeless but thinking of just driving away.. far away as possible.
There’s hope, keep going 💖
@@alexachosenseed5283did you ever drive far away?
If I had known that my mother is a narcissist three years ago, my current life would be much better than the one I have until now.
Some people never figure it out. So I guess better late than never. I figured it out just last year. After a whole lifetime of questioning myself though. I’m 31 now. I also realised what emotional incest was/is. So I feel less crazy now.
It's never too late. You are worthy of love, respect & boundaries. You are also so much stronger than them, that's why you were a threat to the mask they wear. ❤ & health 😃
I'm 56 and just put the pieces of the puzzle together a few years ago.
My Mom, dead now 10 years,
was totally not the person I loved, and almost worshipped,
all my life.
I gotta learn to love myself now,
and not fear having boundaries.
We all deserve basic human happiness and respect.
I wish us all good long lives so we can see life as it really is,
and learn to adapt.
Peace to all...
🦋🐞🦋
@@daisyd8790 i'm 44, same here. It's the 'if i'd have known this as a kid'.. i feel your pain and dissapointment with the whole situation, I wish you peace, love and light on your journey Xx
@@aking3624 I respect your viewpoint and I don't mean to diminish or disrespect your opinion, but sometimes it is too late. People just don't write about it much if at all.
I realized at an early age my mother was all about appearance . My honesty got me into trouble often . Still does . Both parents are narcissist as is my golden child sister . I have no family . Three months ago the decision was made to go no contact from all the lies , the backstabbing , guilt and shame . There was lots of physical , emotional , verbal and also some sexual abuse . Now in my late 50's I am supposed to continue to tolerate this ???
On another topic , should a person that has been sexually abused by their father , beat and berated , be expected to care for him in his later years ? My sister who was NEVER beaten or abused says yes . I am a selfish bitch in all their opinions . They are all cowards who are afraid of truth . I'm out ,but it hurts like Hell and on my mind 24/7 .
You and your feelings are valid. This internet stranger is proud of you for doing what is best for you. Family isn't always the people who raised you. I hope you have a beautiful and fulfilling life... we who were abused by narcissists will prosper and not continue their cycle!!
Do not allow the known to be selfish golden child guilt you into taking care of an elderly abuser. Leave them to each other and finally start to live your life for yourself. I’m rooting for you. No guilt. No obligation.
My mother has been a narcissist. A real energy parasite. Trying to control every aspect of my life, always making negative comments. It really brought me down. Now I went no contact for 3 months and I feel way better. I cut ties with all family who has contact with her and everything we have related. All people. She literally destroys my life from behind the scenes and I arrived to such a depression that I was almost becoming like her.
Honestly, I don't want to have anything to do with that psychopath who is not even worth to be called mother. I keep all hidden from her. I have this feeling that whatever she comes to know, she will be able to destroy in a way or the other. I rejected her and all the things she has. She is really like a cancer for my life.
I fear that if I keep in touch, she will ruin my marriage and all the good things that I have built since I left her home 10 years ago and travelled around the world. I came back for two months only, and she stole all my joy.
I really don't want to have anything to do anymore with that parasite.
My mother was very narcissistic quite likely has NPD and I was definitely the scapegoat. She even took me out of high school my freshman year so I could spend the rest of my time in her house being 100% under her thumb 🤢🤮 thank you so much for making these videos 🙌🏼🙌🏼
So glad it helped Sara!
Dude, where tf were you 10 years ago? I have been trying to tell people about this for years. I've been falsely committed and labeled. If I defend myself from this, then I'm an animal and have no control. Yet, I've told the authorities and everyone can't "do anything". I actually have a diagnoses now because of this
@@mithungangolli I’m curious how your mother smothered you that would cause you to fail? I ask because my brother is a golden child and he wasn’t smothered just spoiled
@@AC-ew2xr I'm curious how cabin crew loser trolls and follows people everywhere nd asks her cabin crew questikons all the time . Ask non rhetorics..... google rhetoric ...... and then come back pretending to be the expert ....... more often that's why some people struggle to grow as managers ;)
@@mithungangolli I have no clue what this even means but if this is a smart alek response its poor one . I was asking a bona fide question to making you the troll for responding just like a narcissist troll would. No one here is impressed by your delusion to know it all. The cabin crew loser troll here is you. Go troll someone else hoping to be recognized for your understanding of big words which by the way you have no idea to form in a sentence. Unbelievable. No response required as I will not feed monsters. What an idiot. Much less no one here follows “ everyone “ around. Cabin crew loser? You’re the cabin crew member revisiting your own post a week later jumping to conclusions responding with rubbish in your failure to read the question properly jumping the gun to false conclusion I was rude. Screw you and your stupid response because you provided the answer. You’re the narcissist that’s why. You’re delusional.
Dad was a rageaholic who terrified people but the real Devil in our home was my 'unassuming' manipulator mother who played the victim (martyr) but really controlled everything passively, covertly from the sidelines. She had the outside world convinced she was a long-suffering 'Good Wife' who loooooved her kid but inside she was pushing my Dad to the brink every minute of the day, and teaching me subservience and how to be her caretaker.
I can relate... I commend you for your realization and process of healing bro.
They aren't sorry and blame you for being toxic when you say stop.
They yell and scream at you for asking respect and trying to set boundaries.
Were never good enough. We arent capable of making choices abd choosing feelings or thoughts.
I know what I feel.
Loss, ruined, betrayed, duped, resentful and hate.
This is what they wanted.
Now they are happy but they don't say that.
They give an evil smile, a look of satisfaction, they are pleased with themselves and finally happy again.
I am not vengeful but always thought this world was justified.
It is not.
There is nothing.
They do have the evil smile. I said to her that her family cannot trust and cannot love and you are all proud of it.
There’s a bully in her and her siblings.
They use religious judgment to avoid love and to feel superior.
Mom wore the pants, dad was submissive, my mom hated men. She would berate me and tear apart whatever self respect I had. Mother would smother me at my dads expense placing us in direct competition. I found that I could go from golden boy to born loser at the snap of a finger. Attachment trauma hurts core shame/ self loathing, fear of rejection/ abandonment, I am unlovable for who I am and lovable for what I do for you and what I don't do for me. Human doing vs human being, relationally and emotionally isolated = pathological loneliness, SLDD addiction, HUMAN MAGNET SYNDROME WITH NARCISSISTS.
Similar story minus the submissive dad
Exact same story WITH the weak submissive dad.
In fact for a split second I literally wondered if I had written your comment in the past and I had to do a double take of your username just to be sure it wasn’t me.
Fortunately for me I am the total opposite of my father and I do not tolerate narcissistic people. Most stay clear, perhaps because my body language warns them away.
Now, I’ve only been like this since my late twenties (I’m 59 now), but from childhood to my late twenties I was like a doormat but then I got fed up and put a stop to it.
@@Medvetz63 I was 53 yrs old at my computer, wondering why people would always take advantage of me when I realized I needed to hurry so as not to miss the monthly raffle at the place where I lived. My raffle number came up near the end, and only a couple of prizes left. The landlord yelled for me to grab the doormat. God does have a sense of humor. I was a doormat.
Exactly my situation
Yes! It’s really awful people can be narcissistic and be allowed to parent. Lots of really bad selfish and neglectful parents out there!
100% agree. The so called neglectful narcissists (Dr Ramani talks about it) are horrific they treat you like you don’t exist on top of devaluing you and worse in all kind of way. No matter what they pretend to the outside world they really don’t care what happens to the child they only care about themselves and their image. They’re the biggest punishment to every child and the trau*a they cause will last a life long. The best thing you can do is cut them out of your life for good
Yes they're out there
I’m glad I got out of the situation when I did and realized that my mom is a manipulative person. I got sheltered to the extreme, couldn’t do anything, now I’m much happier now. I had to get therapy, there’s no way I can reconcile with her. My mom was coming after me about my financial situation, what vehicle situation, my friendships with people (no matter what race), my travel, who I stayed with, the job I should have, my military life, me not to speak at all, me doing anything, even having time to myself, etc. She even threatened me for me dating someone outside my race, stalking my Facebook page and I had to block all contact with her. She’s no longer a part of my life. It’s a relief, my childhood was a difficult one and now I’m better off without her, almost 40 years old and my mom has issues with how my life is, she can never accept me doing my own thing, she used me as a puppet, never accepting me for me.
How did you end up realizing it? Trying to get my ex to realize it too
@@mypetrockowns well it was like a trend and I felt real stupid from the beginning of not seeing the true colors of who my mom was til last year where she was doing right in front of me. She had no reason to speak for me saying I shouldn’t have a family or demanding me to see someone when I said no. That’s showing disrespect and I have memories of her doing things like that from over the years. You have to see the trending behaviors of the person for yourself.
Me and my family are still a vicitm of a Narcistic mother, everyday is like living in hell, luckily I already moved out and have my life of my own, but my siblings and my father are still there. My father is sick but instead of taken care of him, she is always giving him emotional stress making him more sick, I really dont know what to do, sometimes Im thinking of hurting my mother for doing this to us, but I never did because I still think of my father, Im just lucky I have a good father. Thanks for this videos, it will really help a lot
🙋🏽♀️thats me🥺
This is what happened to my father. He was sick and had back injuries and couldn't work. My mother yelled at him everyday, blamed him and insulted him. She drove him crazy. Once he couldn't handle it anymore, he got drank and tried to kill her. Although he made a mistake, I have always had the feeling she drove him to do that.
My mother was a full-blown narcissist. My dad was her enabler. He never protected me or my brother from her wrath. My brother and I did not get to be brother and sister. She had a way of keeping us separate, under the same roof. I have tried to connect with him several times over the last 20 years, but he has no interest in hearing from me. I have stopped, because it was too stressful.
Same
As a child / adolescent with health problems and mild stutter, my life was pretty miserable (love bombing and emotional smothering was also present in abundance) but now that I'm aging and the distancing from my toxic parents is making me a better person.
I’ve went totally no contact with both.
I'm 52 years old my mom was a narcissist and totally controlled me and still kind of don't know who I am I did a good job raising my kids and was anything but a narcissist but I became codependent now that my kids are gone and my husband passed away I'm in limbo I don't know what to do with myself right now I still sometimes don't know what to do with my life now
Coloring books can be very comforting. Plus, there is a large community of colorists on Facebook, so you could find friends there
I'm with u jen4 yahweh. I understand totally.
Jen4 yahweh sal. I messed ur name up I'm sorry. I'm with u and totally understand.
This is exactly a narcissistic wants, being dependent on them so they can control you.
My mom used to always ask me if I was talking smack about her im therapy and it was a 'joke' but it wasn't. Probably why I'm mastering in psychology. I've been through old and homelessness because I couldn't just say what I felt without being attacked. She's broken up multiple relationships of mine as well.
Wow. Same thing with me
I'm going through a life void. I'm lost. Everything you said at the end was me. Yes, We were raised by a narcissistic mother who we assume also possibly has bipolar or personality disorder.
I have bi polor type 2 and we are really kind we just a kinda down...
I relate to what you said especially about the gifts. Gifts are very easy tangible things a narcissist can you use to guilt trip you you. "Remember I got you this expensive [insert item]."
That is why a narc parent will be extravagant in some cases.
My narc mother ruins my life .....I hate her...Both of my mother and aunt made my childhood very very traumatic......Narcissistic parents should really be exposed....
How did you end up realizing it? Trying to get my ex to realize it too
I just went no contact with my mother. I am 29. I am so broken, but I have 2 children and a husband and they deserve the best version of me. I am in therapy and I hope it will help.
My mother was Livia Soprano. When I watched that show, I was shocked. It was a perfect rendition.
Thank God for my father
I was raised by a Narcissistic mother. I was born with Epilepsy and was always a tomboy. She was obsessed with me being her definition of "normal". She was convinced by my kindergarden teacher that I had ADD, I was never tested, but she dragged me in that afternoon to a Doctor's office and put on Ritalin. I was having staring spells which were mistook as me not paying attention. I was put on that drug...which only made the seizures progress further into Grand Mal territory by the time I was in my teens. I was not allowed to keep a journal because she would read it and berate me for it. When I got into heavy metal, she would throw a fit and claimed I was into devil worship. The music was actually calming me, but she blamed everything on it. She threw away my collection many times. By the time I was 16, I was having grand mals and was so depressed I would cut my arms up with razor blades. I'm now working on getting tattoos to cover the scars because I am way past that. I'm in therapy, and after playing Musical Chairs with my Neurologist with medications, we finally settled on Medical Marijuana in 2019. My last seizure was Nov. 2020 and the therapy is helping me a lot.
I'm sorry to hear that. and yes women can lie about their own Family's health before knowing the truth. I think my Family did this to me too. you probably need to not only run away. but only keep a low profile. and there are hotlines to call and tell your problems to.
My mother didn’t want to hear about me having depression or anxiety, she said I didn’t know what depression was, unlike her. She said she knew all about depression and anxiety. When I started to have my seizures, she started telling her friends how it was her fault, how because of her I have seizures. (My mom has seizures as well). Completely took away the sympathy I was getting from my family and friends. I tried to talk to her about these problems and how she has been talking to me and she refuses to believe me, she turns it around on me and says well look how you treat me, look how you been talking to me lately, look how you treated me when you were a teenager. I can never do anything right in her eyes. I am always in the wrong.
I agree 100% on this because I felt the same way. It’s a frustrating situation, my mom thought I was the one who’s supposed to take care of her when I have my own life and my older brothers were super pushy in demanding me to move back home to live near mom or visit mom when I constantly said no and they wouldn’t listen. My mom turned manipulative on me and then threatened me on so many things, didn’t want to let me talk and it was like wow- my own folks wanted me to suffer for my mom’s bad situation. I had to part ways, my sister, older brothers were super blind in not seeing who she really was. It felt like I didn’t have no say in anything I was doing and she didn’t want me having any sort of life and it was affecting my health, blood pressure and well being and I couldn’t deal with it anymore so I had to get rid of these people from my life. I’m a more free person, I still have nightmares from time to time of who my mom really is, folks can say she’s protective of me but that’s a bunch of garbage when I know for sure she was a very abusive parent altogether and got the behavior from my late grandma.
imagine having to with a narc mother and also a father everyday constant arguing everyday over the littlest of things
I definitely always felt like a trophy/ accessory. Always felt like I had to follow a certain path to make my mom happy. I was dubed as the one child in the entire family to accomplish greatness in comparison to everyone else failures. It’s definitely arraigned the relationship w/other members in my family. I Never felt like I could be myself..if I did I’d be the bit of the joke..I was extremely goofy and was pushed towards being overly serious. I seriously struggle with making connections with others..I get extremely uncomfortable because I’m always searching for what is acceptable or wanted.
You and I are considered to be the “golden child”. Look it up. My mother chose me because I did not give her any grief. My brother and sister fought against her and she rejected them. It’s sad.
Wow this explained perfectly what I feel. If it wasn’t for the fact that I continued to speak up about the abuse , I would have continued to be the “golden child”.
It's very hard to develop or find oneself without authentic feedback when the parent is preoccupied with their own emotional needs or using you to cope or support. I was also pulled out of school at age 5 and kept home. Thanks for explaining why my relationship s never go beyond superficial and I attract narcissist partners. Lots of lightbulb moments!!!
The light bulb moments are frequent in my life. If I could somehow store the energy from them I would be the southwest leading supplier..
I raised myself until I left home at 17. She has never visited me, she has called me once in 35 years and that was to tell me my sister had a baby, however its like my son doesn't exist and basically if I dropped of the face of the earth she would not notice. Believe me I have tried to have a relationship with her but I could have more of a loving relationship with a chunk of granite...the last time I visited her she told me she had cut me out of her will and basically she does not want me at her funeral..she has said and done some horrible things in the past but she has hurt me once too much that I don't ever want to see her again and the funny thing is I don't even know what I have done. Since leaving home at 17 I have never asked her for anything...
My mother would tell me this all of the time verbatim "I'm the mother"...so it has to be right". Very childish and I have no remorse on why we don't speak anymore
The appearance of things is more important than what was actually going on. Wow that is so true
Sums me up perfectly.Got away from my narcissistic mom and emasculated enabler father.You couldn't do anything for them without being punished eventually.Always some kind of turmoil in the family.Making a very very long story as short as possible but I had a friend who told me that it sounded like my mom was a narcissist and when I did some reading and watching these videos,I was shocked.All the pieces fit together perfectly.In the back of my mind I knew something was wrong in our,family but just thought it was the way it was.Now I know why.Bad thing is I didn't get wise to her until I was almost 45 yrs. old.We tried a therapist but that didn't last long and in the back of my mind I knew it wouldn't but was just trying to get her to see what her problem is.Boy that didnt go over well and I was suspicious it wouldn't.So I went no contact and doind the best I can to get over lifelong narc.abuse.Its not easy but I have made progress.Im learning boundaries and how to have some respect for,my self and not be such a people pleaser.I feel better but I'm going to need some help sometime I can feel it.Anyway,great video.I watch another doctor from time to time and he is helpful also.
Yeah, cut the narcissists out of your life. Use the energy to focus on a business, on a hobby or something else you enjoy. Eventually you will stop even thinking about it. You have to wip it away from your subconscious. Listen to stuff like this while you sleep. This will implant more positive vibrations into your subconscious an replace all teh negative residue left by the narcissist. th-cam.com/video/gSUhu4SqmPA/w-d-xo.html
I relate to your comments. Same situation for me. I learned at 48 years old what I’ve been struggling with for my whole life and once I learned it was a Narcissistic Mother and a Flying Monkey Step Father, I realized what my problem has been and why I am the way that I am. I am semi no contact and moved to another state. I’m much more relaxed but I think about my family everyday since they’re older and don’t understand who they are and what their problem is. They see me as the problem. Lol. It’s ridiculous but that’s their disorder. We developed amazing personalities but now we need to heal, get confidence and do less people pleasing. Our eyes are opened and it’s time to put in the work. Keep it up
Yep.Sounds familiar.Bad thing is you dont realize what's happening and you waste so much time on people that aren't worth easing with.Good luck .
I realized last year that I had no sense of self. If someone asked what are your hobbies, what do you like to do, what do you want out of life? I had no idea. For the first time in my life at 28 I started using cannabis which caused me to delve deep into my mind and think about myself. Before I had read or researched anything all I could tell people was “It feels like I’m finding myself. Like finding out who I am.” My mother was a very high strung individual who would scream and cuss at me starting at a very young age. I’m still working through all of this.
I'm 49 and fully went nc 8 years ago. She still controls everything, even my daughter- through my younger sisters. I'm being pushed out of the family and suffer tremendously, even my kids don't really want to see me. Any attempt to explain, is being literally trampled down by them. I'm not the only one who suffers, in this family. But I'm the only one who takes all the blame on herself
If I were you, I’d move far, far away from her.
Story of my life. Wow. Almost identical. Thanks for this validation. I thought I was crazy for years. You have no idea how much these few minutes helped me. Thank you so much
How did you end up realizing it? Trying to get my ex to realize it too
Can you do a video on how narcissistic parents create codependent children
Here's one of them that's related:
th-cam.com/video/jieTKtLJlKQ/w-d-xo.html
Yes I had Stockholm syndrome I didn’t move out till 25 . I knew once I left I would not be in contact with my family but that was scary for me at 18 so I stayed till I couldn’t take it anymore
Omg, this makes so much sense. I went from a mother who bullied and bossed my father around, to falling in love with a woman who totally is a career woman, and the father of her children was really the woman in the family. Her son even said to me that their gender roles were switched.
But I often felt I was the one with the narcissistic need for love, resenting her when she couldn't give it. I had massive ammounts of shame. While she was very narcissistic outwardly, but with me she seemed more co-dependent.
Anyway it was fucked up. Getting over it now.
I am so happy I found you and your videos. I have been on a journey to find myself since a complete and total break down 4 years ago and I am STILL working through a lot of this as I couldn't, or didn't want to even say out loud to myself or anyone that my mother has narcissistic qualities or probably is fully NPD... I felt bad for talking "badly" about her, even though it's all true. She used to take me by the shoulders and stare into my eyes as a young child and tell me "And we don't talk about anything that goes on at home with anyone outside! You don't talk to your friends or schoolmates, or teachers about anything. No one needs to know our dirty laundry, it's our business and no one else's". I never felt like I could ever voice my opinions, concerns or needs. When my parents would scream and break things (nightly) sometimes I would get so upset having to listen to it through my bedroom door, trying to get some sleep before school the next day and I would open my door and scream for them to "STFU!" and it was ALWAYS met with even more rage and anger, and a typical response from her of "YOU STFU and get back in your room! This doesn't concern you, stop being so selfish!". Eventually I stopped fighting back and stopped saying anything all together. I chose to be a mute within the household. It was safer. I would spend entire days in my bedroom, only coming out every so often to pee or get a glass of water. Sometimes I would be starving but she always watched TV in the kitchen and I was too afraid of a confrontation to bother to get any food. Then it was all about getting made fun of by her and my elder sister for how I was always in my room and "acting depressed". I was depressed. And seriously considering taking my own life for many years at that point. I felt I had no support from day 1 and in our house it was every man/woman for themselves. The love was conditional and often taken away if I did anything that was out of line of what she wanted or told me to do. At 19 I packed everything I could fit into my car and drove west across the country. For a few years I barely spoke to them, always feeling guilty for being "such a bitch" for not wanting to talk to them. But it gave me so much anxiety to even call because I never knew how the conversation would go, or how badly I would feel about myself afterward. Somewhere down the line I just started compartmentalizing sections of my life. I tried to just talk to them about current day events and not let the underlying, unsaid stuff bubble to the surface. But it was always there, slowly eating away at my soul. I finally recently told her that I had major issues I wanted and needed to talk about with her and that I could no longer just "be pleasant". She screamed at me, talked over me until I stopped talking and then called me a brat. We haven't talked since. I sent three text messages from a calm place, telling her that just because I'm upset and need to talk, doesn't mean that I stopped caring for her and I would love it if she would just talk with me. She's ghosted every text. The other day she texts me that she's thinking about me with a heart and wondering how I'm doing. I proceeded to reiterate what I had said in the last three texts that she ignored and guess what? She ghosted again. I now realize that unless I'm in a "good mood" and only talking about positive things... she wants nothing to do with me and my pain and problems aren't on her list of importances. It's been a really hard pill to swallow and I'm not really sure how I'm managing right now. But hey, I'm not rich and bills need to be paid so I get up and I go to work, but it's such a mind f&^k. Thanks for listening and for making me feel like I'm not completely and utterly alone.
You are not alone at all......thanks so much for sharing your story......
Dear One, there is one huge "Mistake" you making. You expecting Closure and or Sanity from someone who can not give it and probably even wouldn't if they could. The Best Thing You can Do is be the Parent towards yourself which you never had and "liberate" yourself by allowing yourself to become happy. Yes, you are allowed to be happy. Stop expecting her to be a Mom or Love from her....i KNOW this is very hard pill to swallow, but it leads to the Path of Freedom, I had to do this too.....we must accept them for who they are, we have a Right to say, think and do whatever we want and most of all to say NO to anyone of anything which endangeres our Peace of Mind and Happiness and we are responsible for our Actions and Happiness, it can be very painfull at first......but we must let go, they also have a Right to be who they are....to be assholes....so to speak..... and we can not control or change them HOWEVER we can change and control our Reaction or rather how or if we react AND whom or which treatment and behaviour we allow around us and in our lives or towards us. Bringing someone in to this World does NOT give them ANY right to abuse you in any Way.....if she chooses to do so .....walk away and take "Revenge" by being gentle and patient towards yourself and loving yourself and becoming happy. And if possible seek Therapy like post Traumatherapy or DBT. P.S: by constantly seeking Validation from her you only feeding the Narc in her..... she will not see her Ways and the Way she sounds she is very high on the Scale and feeds of off making you feel bad. Please Do let it go, try to find Solace and Happiness for Example in Nature, (Swimming in the Sun, example. ) Books, Healthy Food (homemade Strawberry 🍓 Icecream) etc.whatever it is, even being lazy some Days reading Comics in Bed eating Cookies.....enjoy your Life, your Health, your Body.....Nature etc. The little Girl in You needs that. You need You. 😘🤗✨🕊️
You are totally not alone. My story is so similar to yours and my heart breaks hearing you tell your story. You are not a brat or bitch at all, but it seems pretty clear your mom is horrendous. I’m so glad you got away, but I sympathize and relate to how difficult it will be to still process and separate emotionally from your mom. It’s gonna take time, but many survivors are out there with you. Dear, I send you strength and wishes that you don’t need to talk to her again. She will NEVER hear you and NEVER wants to talk abt anything of substance. And it’s a waste of time for you of your precious life. I hope you heal eventually and find peace within and only engage with ppl who love you as who you are. ❤️
Woww- 😞 what a post... I can relate and you’re not alone
🤗
What makes it worse, a child with disabilities being raised by a narcissistic mother. I'm still dealing with the effects of that. my mom would always point out my flaws, even in public, and when I would try to tell her how I felt, she'd say I'm lying, and I to cut the "pitty party". I have Asperger's, and other disabilities, and when I went to elementary school, she was so sweet until she was mad and when I went into middle and high school, she flipped a switch. She only cared about if I got as and bs on report cards, I was grounded for every C, when she got mad, which was mostly at me, she was so scary fight or flight kicked in and without being able to think about it I'd spit out a lie unintentionally, and always let me know how I'd lost her trust. She was at that time, the total opposite to my brother, so much so that he'd be mean to me. At that time, I was constantly trying to survive bullies at school, and at home. Then I began seeing the school counselor, who gave me a lot of good advice. I started talking to my friends and family about it because I didn't trust my mom would realize she was hurting me. She'd turn right back, and tell everyone I was talking crap about her, and how she did nothing wrong. That stretched on throughout high school. Then as an adult , she'd judge me by the way my beard looked, and my weight. She'd call me a bum, a slob, and said that my weight gain was all due to my diet, even though she's known for years I have hypothyroidism. She left my stepdad's house, and by then, I was really damaged and down. I've got septo optic dysplasia, and see from my left eye only and I've been that way since birth, and my mom would try to get me to work in a factory full of people that were completely blind, and almost all were 2 to 3 times my age at the time. She'd say I should mainly hang out with other disabled people, and I'd never get to work in a hot rod shop, and never be able to drive, although I've raced go karts, driven quads, ridden my bicycle a long distance to home at night, and have driven a Ford truck around a friend's place and didn't even get nervous. It came naturally to me. Then after all of that, she screamed at my brother for a simple mistake. My face was red. As my brother started to cry, I just rocked in the chair clenching my fists thinking how yelling at me was one thing, and how dare she makes my younger brother cry over one tiny mistake. Now my brother and I are in our 20s, and we barely talk to mom, because we know what she is capable of. I love her so much, and I hope she gets help for this, but I doubt she will. So all I can do is keep praying for her. Like any good son would.
I hated every second of this because I related to everything.
I’m passed the point where validation makes me happy but great video bud.
The elucidation on "GIFTS having no meaning" really resonate 🌻🥂
Tell me about it. Mine is so far gone, that this year, she had 2 birthday parties for herself (one with her step family and one for my brother, the Golden child and me.) She kept talking about wanting to go to a state park for her birthday, and I thought, knock yourself out. When my birthday rolled around 2 weeks later, she tried to force me to do what she wanted to do with me on my birthday, which was to celebrate her own birthday on...you guessed it, mine. My brother always gets to choose his own way, I am an object to her, a fleshly extension of her, and who has tried to control how I wear my hair, what I wear, makeup, etc. Oh, the horror, the horror! I'm almost 60 and only discovered this year what she has been doing to me my entire life. She takes credit for my accomplishments (I have a BA, MA, and PhD in English), have published, but punishes me for my failures.
Thank you for your videos, they are very enlightening. I only discovered them today. I was raised by a narcissist (my gran, dad's mum) in a 4 generation family . He was covertly emotionally abused by her, I took on the emotional rescuer role in the family for my dad, was being emotional abused by my mother as well, which I only now realise, so in fact being emotionally abused by gran, dad and mum. Moved away from the family as far as I could to the other end of the world, only to realise that that does not make any difference. When I look back at my own relationships (I never wanted to get married, now I know why), I was only ever in relationships with men who were also emotionally abused. Now I think I might have turned into a narcissistic mother myself, my son is 18 now and I have had to work very hard not to be a helicopter parent and also not to use him for my emotional needs. I just wish he does not have to feel they way I always felt. Also I would love to experience a functional relationship for once if there is such a thing which I am not sure of.
Man this is so eye opening! You really have a gift for taking a complicated subject and breaking it down into a digestible concept that everyone can grasp. Thank you so much for making these videos! 🙏
Glad it was helpful!
So, so many bells dinging in my mind when I listen to this. Discribes my life in many ways
This is the most relatable page I’ve found. I’ve never been able to pinpoint where my issues came from. Thank you.
I just wish I knew when it will somehow get better within. 😭❤️
It will, give it time.....tolerating uncomfortable feelings in the process is key....
Absolutely. But when you truly love yourself and you decide only to allow that self to be around other ppl who love her
It’s gets so much better even faster! It’s a long process, but it does not have to be completely miserable. You’re never alone if you have you!!! ❤️🧡
@Catullus 85 That is encouraging.
I'm still economically stuck with this Soul sucker N mother. A black hole (Space terms) she is, just sucking ALL the Light and life from me.
Can't stand her..yet, this woman is my mother?
Wish it was as simple as taking her back to the store and getting a Childhood 'Refund'
@@BetterOff735 you made me 😅 with the refund.. I absolutely feel you about the black hole term ...😩 .. I pray that you feel better soon..❤
@@BetterOff735 hmmm I wonder if she wants you financially dependent on her. She’s “helping” you. There’s a way to get out, it’s up to you. It may not be what you pictured with your life but you have to start somewhere if you ever want to heal & be happy.
Exactly.Narcissistic mothers marry passive men, as they need to feel in power and control. They treat their spouse as a supply, and then they do the same to their children. You are not there, except when you serve their needs. And even then, it is because they see you as an extension of them, not as a separate human being.
Praying the Lord takes my 91 year old mean narc mother who has ruined my life and for justice 🙏✝️
I always knew my mother had a problem! she’s a full blown narcissist… always being violent and act destructive around me. takes her anger out on me. all bcuz I’m disabled. she silenced me and told not talk my feelings to anybody!! cuz I can’t expose her for who she really is. walking on eggshells to keep the peace
The ‘narc’ parent wants an acquaintance - not a child. They feel resentful for society’s dictates regarding parental responsibility. They will never show an ounce of responsibility to anyone even if they know they’ve ruined lives. They have the cunning of an entire legal team- they are experts at evading responsibility and “getting away with it”.
They destroy every beauty in you
The OCD symptoms of mine are finally explained... thank you for the video
Perfectionism. It makes sense! Realising you don’t have to be perfect or do things in a perfect way to be loved. Truly.
well frick.
us 3 kids all have OCD.
makes sense.
me - cleanliness, perfection
brother - perfection, forbidden thoughts
sister - doubt/harm
@@VengefulPolititron I’m so sorry to hear that. I relate
My mother is a narcissist. I have been very hurt by her. Because I tried to exercise my free will and not get the jab my mom called me a killer and I told her that her calling me names hurt me and she chose to keep on calling that and I went no contact
They turn everyone against you
Thank you for including the spectrum. I used to see narc mother videos that were so extreme that I almost thought my mom wasn't one. Your video describes her perfectly.
On top of what you said, a lot of us end up having chronic illnesses from our constant survival mode.
You are spot on with OCD..I literally have to organize my grocery basket.
I struggle with my own mother, everything revolves around her and she can make everything to be about her or and experience she's had or something. I'm 30 years old and I still have to help her with absolutely everything because she refuses to learn or apply herself to learn anything and it's absolutely infuriating, I have contemplated suicide more times than I can count, I've been to therapists and everything, I don't know what to do, I just want to be as far away from her as possible but I have the perfect apartment with the perfect tenant absolutely everything I could ever want, but it's too close to her... Help me, please!
You must be able to find the courage to not be responsible for her, and stop having contact for a while. Its the only way. Period. Its extremely difficult, I know this all too well. But you must. Itll be the best decision you ever made.
@@miasma5552 it is very difficult, and all the guilt trips etc.. But thank you, I will try.
@@AfroMyrdal the guilt trips are a horrendous form of abuse.. ive just recently heard an onslaught of it as my covert egg donor narc is nearing the end of her life at 49, due to substance and extreme alcohol abuse of course. Ill spare the content of the guilt trips as they are exactly what you imagine a psychopath would say to hurt their offspring. But I control when I speak to her and when I don't. It will not get better, my friend. They will get worse and coerce you into wasting more of your life while cannibalizing your soul. You have had the strength to get this far, and that's truly saying something when abused like this in only the way one of us can understand. You have it in you to break free and be your own man. It is not easy, but holy damm it doesn't take long to realize how easier it is to breathe when you're free.
@@miasma5552 wow, I.. That was deep. I really appreciate that good sir, thank you. I will do break free and succeed!
@@AfroMyrdal much love my brother, you are not alone.
I have done more work in my life because of this. I have spend over a decade of my life in solitude to try to get a deeper understanding of it all. I am sending love to all who are suffering because of this . There is light at the end of the tunnel🙏🤍
I have so much disdain for my mum. Said she kept my dad in my life despite the chaos him and my mum exhibited around me because he was “my father”, never has said anything positive about me, isolated me, guilt trips me. It’s hard to grow a sense of identity and trust with your decisions when you’re an only child too. She live in her own world and I hate it.
I literally get ill if I'm around my mother too long. I'm so uncomfortable around her. She asks the same questions over and over again even after I answer. She will not leave me alone she has control over my 30 year old half brother I don't know what she wants from me
i also get ill
You’re not alone 😔
Yes, spot on about the obsession with appearances, show and gifts. It was a revelation to me to spend Christmas at a friend's house where there were few gifts, imperfect table settings and a burned turkey but it was my best Christmas ever with spontaneity, some broken dishes, silly games, chaotic children and a dog that was sick on the carpet though none of it was a drama turned into a crisis, just a group of people at home with themselves and their honest "failings and imperfections."
I've been in therapy, I've read books, I've watched videos ...yet your explanation/description hit home with me in a way that others have not. I've been struggling and grieving these relationships as long as I can remember. Sadly, the intensive counseling that most of us need is out of reach in the US. Thank you for putting this content out into the world. The impact is immeasurable.
Thank you for your channel Brad..I have been researching the cluster B spectrum intensively now tor 2 years and you are filling in some missing links in regards to my situation with a very dysfunctional family of origin of which I am no contact with for 2 years and living in another country. ..I am finding all the reasons I have had symptoms of abuse all my life but healing deeply now..much love..💙
so glad the 'missing links' are getting filled in.......
I agree, you explained everything I experienced. If you express your experience they feel funny and to them you’re downing them. The phony image portrayed by them basically is projected on you and you’re pretending too since you’re shaped into what they want. It isn’t until your older you start seeing you don’t know yourself and that hurts the heart, trying to find yourself and figure you out one day all of a sudden. I also agree that if you’re ok on the outside you automatically assume you’re ok on the inside. When you make yourself appear as ok, you’re protecting this phony image so on the outside to everybody else you’re always seem so amazing but with that there’s wanting to talk because you’re burdened. I’ve played this part, I say it’s playing the position of protector for not exposing everything I experienced. I don’t trust my feeling or know what I feel and it this is an issue in making decisions myself. If I don’t know what I feel or why I feel especially the extent if I’m exaggerating it or overlooking it, I tend to not know what I want to do decision wise and then Im seeking support in the narcissist.
It hasn’t been until recently years that I even understood what a narcissist was. My mother has ruled with an iron fist since the beginning and checks all the boxes for narcissism. I am 59 now and hope that when she passes I can live lol g enough to experience peace.
Absolutely right....as a result i have struggled through life because of it. Its really horrible going through this crap.... even now I'm middle age and have my own family, she never asks me how i am....me and my family have moved, only 40 minutes away, but when i told her and my dad, i had complete silence, absolutely nothing, no good wishes, no interest....think her attitude stinks... its time to do things for me, i have always struggled with this, i ended up being a people pleaser which is not a good thing....
It’s so crazy because I went my entire childhood very lost and confused. I couldn’t make a clear identification of who I was. I could never make friends because I just wanted to make people happy. Similar to how I interacted with my “grieving” widowed mother who assigned me the job of being her husband.
I am so glad I found this video. It gave insight into a lot of things I went through that I've not seen discussed in a lot of other videos on this subject. It felt good watching this and having my feelings and experiences validated. Thank you!
Holy crap!!! This explains my anxiety about gifts & gift giving...😳🤦 Thank you so much!!! ❤️
This resonates with me incredibly. Thanks for your work Brad Shore
Dear Mr B Shore,
Although not everything you say applies to my relationship with my own mum, your video still means a lot to me. I thank you for its existence.
As a (male) survivor of ghastly physical & psychological abuse in childhood at my unfathomably & unbearably narcissistic mother’s hands, I can't resist the urge to point out that in today's world most people (at least in a typical modern & developed society) realise that it's simply moronic & incredibly naïve to presume that ALL policemen/women must be upright and law-abiding individuals, as there are now verified reports & documented cases of police officers abusing their legally endowed power for illegal or immoral ends. Then, why don't/can't people apply the same wisdom to their perception of parenting?
Just think of the shocking & horrendous Austrian case of incest that came to light in 2008 where an evil father Josef Fritzl imprisoned his own daughter Elisabeth in a cellar for years and compelled her to gratify the selfish desires of his body! I truly deserve to be called an idiot and a monster if I request Elisabeth to celebrate Father’s Day or if I rashly conclude that hers is only a rare and isolated case!
Is a person who dares to assume that parental maltreatment of children never (or rarely) occurred in all human history less insane than someone who proclaims that no firefighter has ever committed arson in all human history?
Thank you so much!! You described my childhood to a T. Im 40 years old and this is still happening. Even though I haven't seen my mother in 6yrs. She now has my kids and entire family Against me.she covered up sexual abuse and neglected me of medical and mental care.pure evil. I use to turn to substance abuse and dealt with it in a very unhealthy way.no more! Not spending another single year in bondage
Leann Wright I don’t know you but i really do hope and wish all the best for you ❤️
They are propaganda machines. Ruining everything they come across.
Proudly called my mother (we live far away) to tell her that I finally retired after 37 years of busting my rear end for the government. Her response: "What do you want me to do? Jump up and down?" There is no pleasing these types of people.
That's a great example Paul of a toxic mother --- so glad you live far away....
@@BradShore Thanks for reinforcing what I have known all along.
@@BradShore Brad, after I retired, I took a trip to Thailand and upon returning I told my mother that I had such a great time that I am already planning a second trip to which she screamed into the phone: "You can't go back to Thailand"! She hates to see people having a good time, is that yet another trait of these people?
You are so right. Echoes my childhood exactly. I realise that my late mother was a covert narcissist. I couldn't figure it out at the time but I can now.
My mother is still alive. I am so grateful I figured this out now, all for my benefit, not hers. I do enjoy the look on her face when she realizes she's been found out.
Best video I have ever seen about this mothers
Thank You Brad. I am happy to have discovered your videos. I have been researching narcissistic moms because I am finally doing the work/therapy to look at and face my childhood, so that I can heal. 😌 ❤️
Fantastic!
God, I love this video !!!
I can breath slightly better emotionally. Especially the comments of all of us who have 'fought in that WAR ZONE'
I feel I can still have hope to LIVE..
To Live AS ME !!
No way near that - still living with (and grudgingly taking care of) the 90 year old Card board cutout of a 'mother'.
She destroyed my father over the years. Crushed his spirit and enslaved his soul - he passed 7 months ago.
The best analogy I've ever heard, "a dull knife doesn't cut, it bruises"
🎯🎯🎯The cherry on the top is the fact that this "mother" adopted me as an infant. I was the best dressed pet in town
I can't believe someone say it for me 😂😂😂
I'm glad I've finally come to accept that my mom is such a toxic person
Makes me think that my dad wasn't as bad as she made out he was.
How did you end up realizing it? Trying to get my ex to realize it too
Thank you very much, my story. 58 and still working on it
I can see it from all the way back that i can remember. Its a very extreme case and im trying to deal with how ill go about the legal damages caused.
How did you end up realizing it? Trying to get my ex to realize it too
Wow, you're explanation is very concise and on point! Your insight and personal experiences with Narcissistic abuse is both respected and appreciated. Thank you.
I have a mother super narcissistic ,people like that should be in jail
I have Asperger's and was raised by a narcissist and was also the scapegoat. I now have borderline and other mental health issues caused by the abuse. Can you please make a video about being on the spectrum while being raised by a narcissist and the effects of it? I am severely damaged and need help to see.some.sort.of light at the end of the tunnel. I've had so much therapy and medication in my life as well as DBT twice and CBT. Mom loved forcing pills on me as well.
Are you sure you have borderline and not cpstd? Cause aspie+cptsd can look like borderline but inside its really different.
@@Noemie291 yup
DBT can be helpful, but I highly recommend psychodynamic therapy if you do have a "Borderline personality". Basically, you need a relationship with a dedicated person that will give you the parenting that you did not get enough of growing up; that includes handling the "crazier needier" parts of yourself-- to really heal you need to address that. I recommend a psychodynamic therapist who relates well to you.
DBT helps with coping skills, psychodynamic therapy with a good therapist heals what's deep down inside.
My two cents.
@@TheOHenry666 I had a personal dbt therapist I did group and one on one as well as CBT. I have been in a healthy relationship for four years. A huge part of it was dating asshole tbh. The relationship with my mom is just meh now.
@MARJAN I just saw this now that's so kind of you what is the link, that k you!
Fantastic information. I'm such a person. I'm 36 and unable to feel feelings for people or animals. I'm cut off from my feelings and very aware of it. I don't have many friends and I feel like an emotional vampire. I scare people away. I don't know how to feel good, to like myself or others. I find avoiding people is the safest bet as my emotional vibe just terrifies people. Although I would love to feel love and connection, I have no idea how to get there from where I am. But, it's certainly worth pursuing for the rest of my life as life without nice feelings is no life at all. I'm also sick and tired of freaking people out. The problem is inside I feel dead and people pick up on it quickly. I wonder how to find a suitable therapist? What kind of therapist is sufficiently trained to be able to help people like myself who are amongst the most weakest and most pathetic people alive (physically but not emotionally). Thanks for any suggestions or pointers 😁🙏
You have great insight, and you're well on your way to recovery......finding a good therapist you resonate with is not much different from finding a church/religion you really like----or finding the right partner to date or marry. It is indeed a search -- but a great search -- and you have all the power. So perhaps make 5 to 10 appointments with different therapists (most will offer a free consultation); meet them and see how you feel---are they understanding you? Do you feel safe with them? Do you have a good vibe? It's worth a long search because once you find the right match you can do years of work if you'd like---and it can be life-changing. Best wishes to you!
@@BradShore thanks Brad. I'm studying IFS and know that it's my Self that is missing that I need to recover. Yeah! I do need to find a therapist but unfortunately in my state I can't work or earn, have been homeless a lot... So, I'll continue researching, studying and trying to figure it out alone. Although, on facebook I've joined a group and some of the responses I get are profound. People don't really get that I know with complete certainly that a part of me is missing. The part for doing life, experiencing emotions, connecting with others. Instead, I spend my life thinking and isolating as people are aware that somethings wrong with me. I am doing the best I can but it's better that I avoid people and actually I'm really starting to enjoy my alone time. Neediness and desperation have subsided after lots of work. If only I could find my Self and live from a place of having a self instead of being empty and shell like.
I should never have been borne and would prefer not to have been but maybe I'll figure it out and be able to share with others how I found my Self that's full of emotion, joy, love etc. I know I'm not a bad guy with Self, without it, I'm weird and freak people out a lot. Kind of a bit like a psychopath except I'm not interested in harming anyone and in fact would much rather help people wherever and whenever I can.
Excellent video thank you
Need you to talk for like an hour on this lol you really understand it well.
Its so difficult to watch the video, because I've to stop every few minutes to process it. I so appreciate your honesty, and hugs to you. I'm in my 40s and the destruction of my soul by my parent was catastrophic. But I'm making it out, but by miniscule bit.
The initially integrated child is everted out to fit and fill every need of a toxic adult. Its just immense torture.
My mother is exactly as you describe in this video, but my siblings don't seem to notice it. One sibling is the "golden child" and seems to enjoy the attention he gets. The other sibling got involved in gangs and substance abuse but seems to have a strong bond with our mother. I, on the other hand, never felt loved by my mother and was once consumed by her trying to control my life. Not to mention, she NEVER apologizes and constantly uses manipulation to get what she wants. There is a side of me that feels sorry for her while the other part of me wishes she would stay out of my life and leave me alone. Folks including family often say, "forgive your mother" or "the past is the past". Why is it so hard for people to understand my issues with my parents don't have anything to do with the past but what's happening in the present? What can I do to get my parents, particularly mother, out of my head?
Me too - raised by a malignant narc "producer" - she almost did kill me - made me homeless when I just turned 17yo. - she ruined my sons life while he got raised by her his first 7 years - most important time in a childs life, right. When he turned 19 yo. he became diagnosed with ASPD - and it was horrific bec. narc producer tries to put all blame on me - while I was a single mom and had to take care about my job education. Never forget her violent, emotional abuse and the lonelyness I had to go through while I grew up - all by myself. Only god can forgive what she did to all of her children and her both husbands - when she finally died, 92 yo. - all I felt was a big relief and a very big mother wound inside of me. All of my other siblings became narc./toxic people - no contact - I feel like an orphan - until today - a motherless child - but I did survive all that madness until today.