When I told my mother I had Multiple Sclerosis, she was so upset and said, “Imagine if your daughter had just told you she had MS!” She cried for herself and wanted comfort from me about it. That’s narcissism for you.
I totally sympathise on this. I was diagnosed with MS almost 6 years ago and my mum STILL makes it all about her. I recently got a letter to schedule my neurologist appointment for next year, which my parents drive me to as I can't drive. Her first comment was how it was going to be boring for her to sit around waiting for my appointment to end (because being poked and prodded is obviously super fun for me!). She also constantly invalidates my symptoms. I have awful fatigue, insomnia, pain etc, and she either doesn't care or turns it around to herself and how she's super tired all the time too (Not. The. Same!). I'm sorry that rant just came spilling out. Wishing you all the best x
Woooowww! Cancer "survivor" here with MAJOR complications resulting in rheumatoid arthritis, and signs of MS... My moms only issue is "You can NOT leave your kids with me" &&& totally uses MY HEALTH to make others feel sorry for her
OMG. These people are amazing, aren't they? I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Yes, they want you to comfort them for a problem YOU have. It's all about them, no matter what.
Yes! And to this day my parents think I was the worst kid ever once I decided to start standing up for myself. My sister never did. She just went and did what she wanted. My narcissistic mum would then whinge to ME to go parent my sister and keep an ‘eye’ on her. We’re 1 year apart!
Exactly. I'm just now learning how unassertive I tend to be because of my relationship with my narc parent. I'm just now learning to stand up for myself in life and it's interesting how draining I find it. Oh well. Just gotta keep practicing til I'm good at it.but also, lessen my exposure to people who I have to stand up to at all. 🤔
@@koobie83 interesting. Same here. All hell broke loose when I started standing up for myself as a teen and that made me the "problem" child and my sister (1 year older) was "perfect" because somehow she did what she wanted without an argument. So weird trying to understand the family dynamics today (us kids are adults now).
yep. This is usually best except my mother would call me once a week. my one brother just doesn’t answer the phone. he is possibly smarter than I am. I feel like I would have to say something explaining why I’m going to not be available, need some space, but she would use that to attack me.
Yup. Keep your personal life to yourself around the narc. We all learn it the hard way. They will use anything you confide in them as ammunition, just don't tell them anything and they can't use it against them.
@Alyssa Lopez same. But now knowing the way she treat me is toxic I'm so angry. Everytime she speaks to me I get so angry. Maybe it's my defense mechanism helping me out. For now Grey stone is the most helpful for me
@@langyd4518 I know how you feel! One shouldn't need to explain why not answering when someone calls. And then getting attacked and feeling like crap for not being available 24/7. Even though it can be super hard, it's even harder to cut contact. Hang in there! 🙏🏽
It's only weird to me because I didn't know it was a thing (and now I do). I knew it felt off, but I didn't know why. This has been going on my entire life.
Same. This was me with my mom and my ex. Really fucked with my brain and still does. She was worried that it will make her family look bad in the town I’m from if I get a divorce. Its all about what other people think, not my feelings.
Omg, your reaction made me laugh so hard. Because i know exactly how you feel. I had the same reaction! But i'm so glad i finaly see it now. i had to laugh so hard in stead of feeling my pain i guess :-)
To disagree with her is "not valuing" her as a person because you "don't value" her opinion, and then to set a boundary around what support looks like is probably "blatant disrespect" that justifies making an explicit point on withholding any future support. You can't win with these reactive people who live in projected toxicity.
Exactly. I tried asking my mom for help with my abusive older brother. She just wanted to put me on anxiety meds that wouldn’t help if my abuser lived with me.
I feel this so hard. I had a conversation with my mom recently where she waited until the last second to tell me that plans had changed. I told her in the future I'd appreciate it if she told me as soon as she knew that plans were changing so that I could be ready. Her response: "I don't know what you want from me". How do you get any clearer than that? They don't want to understand because that would require them to have to acknowledge they were at fault.
When I found out I had a very rare, untreatable autoimmune disease, I was devastated. I cried to my mom about it. Her response: “there’s other people out there who have it worse than you.”
I’m sorry that’s such an invalidating thing to say to someone. Autoimmune diseases are no joke, you had every right to feel upset when you got the diagnosis. The one person who should have had your back, did not!
This is a typical response. Either she has or had it worse then you or other people suffer more then you, but your suffering is never enough to give you sone empathy or encouragement or love. You could be about to die that she would not care and say others had a much worse death than you.
I KNOW!! Me, too. Would love that experience just once. Right now I’m trying to learn to be the empowered child, but it’s hard. The guilt, shame, and apologizing is true.
i told my mother she never says she loves me or is proud of me here response...Yes I did I told you I cant wait for you to get your masters degree so I can put it on my wall and show everyone the hard work and sacrifices I made a single parent to help you accomplish your dreams". like WHAT!!!! that's not even close to the same thing.
I am 49 and have finally figured out that no contact with my mother is my healthiest route. I can’t have a conversation with her without feeling completely misunderstood, and not cared about.
That's what I did, and I feel much much better! No regrets! Unfortunately, even though I got my Nmom out of my life, I'm stuck with my verbally and emotionally abusive dad because of COVID. I don't have a driving license, I live in a small town, and I feel powerless. He always finds a way to ruin my mood, and scream at me about the smallest inconvenience. Luckily, I've learned to stand up for myself but he takes it as me being argumentative. I really can't wait until I graduate so I can move out. I just can't believe I have no one in my life who actually supports me or loves me unconditionally. I only have my best friend and uni mates to lean on. But they live far away, and we only communicate online (since we're doing online learning only now). I can't believe I have to run away from my own parents just to feel safe. I wonder what I did to deserve all this abuse. Why is it that I feel much happier with my friends' parents than my own biological parents???
@@DMCdantenero112 I’m so sorry. That sounds like a tough place to be in, especially since the world has gone crazily on top of everything. Be patient and keep your eyes focused on the prize: independence and safety, and away from people who are miserable and want you to be miserable along with them. Stay strong and get that degree🙏💖I truly wish you the best.
Me too. And when she drives me literally crazy, she says that she does it all for me, and she dies everything to be liked and blames her hurting me on me. It took me ages to understand that. My therapist asked me why I keep in touch with her and I dodged the question. I believe the time is now. I know she wasn't cared for enough when she was a kid, but so wasn't I. And I don't want to mother my own mum. I feel so much better now.
This was so triggering to watch, especially the last one where he sets boundaries. The terror I have of setting boundaries with my mom is crippling. The reaction would be to blame me for hurting her, for not caring about her feelings, telling me I always overreact. One thing she accuses me of is always seeing everything in black and white. It's hard because I know she was raised by a horrible mother, and she's not ok herself.
Yes this is 100% projection. She's actually the one who hurts you, doesn't care about your feelings, overreacts and sees everything in black and white.
@@Daniel-yg7wh My mom loves to use the phrase "you're just projecting!". It's kind of funny (and sometimes infuriating) due to the OVERWHELMING irony of it. She'll say that, but seems to not truly understand what projection actually means, or if she does, have the self awareness to realize that it's EXACTLY what SHE is doing. She tends to do this if we're drinking at a family event and she get's a bit too drunk and starts misbehaving. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I might look at her and ask if she's alright. She'll proclaim that she's fine and then ask if I'm alright. When I calmly say I'm good and it's no biggie, she just seems a little drunk and maybe she's had enough, she'll loudly say something like "What?! I'm not drunk! YOU'RE drunk! I think YOU'VE had enough! You're just projecting, sweetie!" Then the next day, she might go on about how drunk everyone else was the night before. Honestly, it's usually just kind of funny when this happens, however, it's an exaggerated example for how she tends to behave even while sober. My mom's a smart woman. She's perfectly capable of understanding logic, reasoning, and concepts like projection just fine...as long as it isn't related to something SHE did.
Once you weather the initial storm, it gets better. At least it did for me. I don't take any more of her sh*t. Had to learn healthy boundaries and actively enforce them.
No you’re not crazy, that would be a shame for the family. Presumably it’s the “bad genes from you’re father” 😅 at least that was the explanation I got.
Mine as well. I saw a vision of her in a high-chair at that moment and it scared me. She full out acted like a toddler and ate up every moment because all of the attention was on her, right where she wanted it.
Thank God for my sister. We've only grown closer over the years. Without being able to compare our interactions with our mom and validate each other's experiences, we both would likely be A LOT crazier than we both already are. We may have never been able to put the puzzle together on our own. Our mom is great overall. She's very sweet and loving. As long as there's NO issues that involve ANYTHING related to her behavior. Turns out, it's likely that the only reason our interactions with her have been so smooth overall, is because we both learned to internalize our issues and never rock the boat and call her out for any of her faults. Our mother's amazing. She's loving, nurturing, kind, talented, and supportive...as long as we don't bring up any issues we may have with her. As soon as someone rocks the boat, that's when we find out just how cold the water can be.
I was interested to see that part. I've never seen it. I have no idea what that looks like (seriously). When I was raped by a stranger in college campus 15 years ago my mother asked if I did anything to deserve it and told the DA she was pretty sure I didnt make it all up (when she knew I had evidence in the form of medical records). I yearn for a healthy mom too. Keep holding on, Friend. We can always "adopt" a mom figure later in life. I believe in you and I'm cheering for you! Best wishes!
It is heartbreaking how many people have this type of mom....I just want to sit and listen and hug you all. So much love to you beautiful souls. No child's deserves this type of treatment.....
I really didn't think love was real growing up. Narcissistic abuse is insidious because the abuser gaslights you and then you internalize the abuse as self-hatred and low self-esteem. When I get down on myself and have feeling of unworthiness, I can realize my deep shame is the abuse I experienced and realize that I can love myself.
@@omarb155 - I didn't realize this until I was watching a cheezy Hallmark movie about an adult woman who was going through a hard time and her mom just went to her and held her and was just there to love her, with the love a Mother has. She supported her with her love and, even though the acting wasn't that good, the feeling came across as intended. I realized I never experienced that sort of love, between mother/daughter. It must feel wonderful. It made me sad, both for myself and my mom. It's almost like I feel like I was adopted (I was not) and she's 'loving' me because she accepted me as her responsibility. Weird, I know.😕
It's good to know there are other ppl experiencing what you are. And some ppl take decades not to keep looking for support from people who are unable to give it and getting into relationships with emotionally unavailable people. I know I did! Habits can be hard to break but it's good when you recognize it.
@@sugarfalls1 I hear you on this! We grow up with the experiences & attitudes we are surrounded by.. however when we are older , we either become aware or stay in the same place & continue the cycle. My mum is BP with narcissist like traits, but its a hard one to unravel since BP can comes across as a narc. Bi polar people without treatment continue to get worse & dont see the other persons feelings they cannot even understand how to "put themselves in someone else's shoes" so their responses can be very "selfish" & narc like. This is a similar convo I would have with my mum re past toxic relationships. she would almost enjoy it & side with them. She LOVED the fact I would come to her wanting support because it would give her a chance to feel needed & loved (thats how she sees it) so NOW that im in a happy & healthy relationship fo 4 years, she cant handle it, she will try to make a fight from something 20 yrs ago or bring up some negative statement to create something .. she always asks me - so what problems are happening in your life, you never tell me about your stresses , worries or sadness" .. "I have none mum Im really happy these days we live a low key life working & enjoying each other company to grow old together" .. "OMG SURELY you have some issues? DONT U EVER FIGHT?" OMG LOZ YOU ARE SO NOT NORMAL" ... she will LITERLLY GET ANGRY because I have nothing negative, upsetting or unhappy to tell her.... I KNOW, it sounds crazy :( my mum refuses medication, wont accept her diagnosis ,... she is Bi polar & I swear is part narcissist ... I love her, but boundaries, its too much, toxic :(
My mom is narcissistic, but she'd be happy if I broke up with my bf, because she doesn't want me to have any type of bond with anyone else but her. She keeps me absolutely isolated.
I'd like to add that my mother also encourages my sister to control and abuse me. I am 24 years old but still was being guilt-tripped when I was on the way to have a sleepover at a guy's place (he was not my boyfriend). I received a text message from my sister saying "take care" with full of sad, crying emojis. I felt that my privacy had been "attacked". My sister also said once that she won't LET me marry a man she doesn't like. She thinks she is my 2nd mother... My mom is only worse. She makes me feel guilty and ashamed all the time and uses silent treatment if I don't obey her. They make me very suicidal, I sometimes have homicidal thoughts towards them. I really wanna escape but I feel that I'm unable to live alone.
@@Norahungary You have likely been trained to think you are the opposite of how you are for these control mechanics as well. I'm willing to bet your natural instinct is in fact very independent and they were threatened by that early on and convinced you you were incompetent without them. Trust in your strength - I believe in you and your ability to create freedom.
Interesting. 1. Dad is clinical, banished him completely ( got that hate messages on answer machine). 2 then discovered mother treats me like a small child and I’m exhausted with duties, doesn’t talk to me about my feelings, was ill told her twice she hung up. 3. Seems I’m really good with boundaries, I sent them and she broke them all within 24 hours so now I’m estranged and in recovery. I feel free had enough of the duties but her narcissism is not overt it’s very subtle but it’s there enough for me to be here and estranged. Good video very helpful thank you
isnt that interesting how your mom was one and was the person you married? maybe its true that people choose partners whos behaviors are similar to that of parents
My mother is a narcissist on steroids. She knows absolutely nothing about me, nor is she remotely interested. Every conversation is turned into something about her and she can't even help it. I'm middle aged now and she's in her late 70s and it hasn't changed an inch. It is only recently that I recognized the damage this has done to my psyche. I wish I had realized that it was not a reflection on me decades ago.
"She knows nothing about me" yep! Outside of the date *she* had her first daughter, and the name she had picked out, she doesn't know me at all. However, she thinks she does. If you ask her to tell you about me, she would list off her perceptions of me. In other words, she would either tell you about the ideal daughter she wanted to bolster her image, or she would tell you about the flaws she saw for not fitting into her ideal daughter image.
@@karis3647 I have this issue with my sister. Every story she tells is so twisted and manipulated from the core of the truth of what happened. She always has a villain. She finds new novel people when she burns the bridges with her old friends. Anything she knows about me is only in relation to her joy or suffering. Any good thing that occurs in someone's life she will sabotage to twist and make herself the victim. It's like a constant state of victimhood, twisted narratives while she sits on a throne and looks down at everyone as lesser. I'm sorry to hear about your mother. For me it was like mourning a death, about 10 years ago.
@@JenniferEver I've cut my mother out of my life several times. This current run of no contact is just over 5 years. I understand the mourning. Realizing that relationship you yearn for isn't possible is like the death of that relationship. All I ever wanted from her is a mom. But she can't be that, so I just won't have the mom I need. Instead, I try to be the best mom I can.
@J Mc I've realized that no matter how many times I try, she's never going to see the damage she's done. Narcissists only see how others fit into their lives, now how they fit into others lives. The world revolves around them, therefore they are never wrong. It's the faults of others when a problem arises. After living with her growing up, I ended up marrying a narc. The way he treated me was normal to me. In my experience, that's just how people treated eachother. 8 years later I ended that marriage. I'm now happily remarried and astounded by what I allowed myself to subjected to all because that was what I was taught love looked like. Between him and my mom, I lived almost 30 years believing I was irreparably crazy. Turns out, I had PTSD from abuse (I've worked through most of it, the triggers aren't nearly as frequent) However, in my ex, my mom has found a kindred spirit. Someone with whom she can gossip about her 'mentally unstable' daughter. Someone who would agree with her that every problem in their lives are because of me... even though I have no contact with either in any way shape or form. So, in addition to seeing me through her own lens, she has someone telling her she's right about me. Therefore, she'll never change.
Kim, same here. I’m in my 70s and she’s in her 90s!. Hadn’t talked to her in awhile, needed a break. When I called her she talked about herself for 45 minutes and didn’t inquire about my (her) family. I had a grandchild for the first time! I’d become a grandparent and she’d become a great-gran but she had nothing to say about that or interest in sharing about the baby or the new parents. Because, she didn’t do it, she didn’t initiate it. Nothing outside her head happens.
It's crazy. If and when I talk to my mother about some of my serious life issues, all I get is: "I don't know what to tell you". I feel like I'm speaking to a very absent friend, not a parent. It shouldn't be like this.
Personally, I enjoyed the "you've always been this way. I'm your mother, I should know." Part. That's my mom. Claims to have a mystical connection to me from childhood to keep me feeling like noone can understand or accept me the way she can. She even uses it to tell me who I am if I grow...no no come back dont grow up....THIS is who you really are. (Eye roll)
My mom would say " you'd cry if someone looked at you cross-eyed." Yep, I'm extremely sensitive. I think I saw her cry once becauseshe was emotionally stressed, any other crying was due to deaths in the family. I could never understand why my being emotional was a bad thing.
With autism and being raised by narcissists, I get really really happy and proud of myself when I notice I used to respond in a narcissistic way but now act in ways WAY closer to the healthy examples. Toxic behaviors really can be unlearned and its such a fulfilling journey. If you're reading this and you might have narcissistic tendencies (whether from abuse, from birth, with or without diagnoses) self care snd patience really make the fucking difference. I believe in you.
Use what she taught you and your son will be lucky to have you as his mom. She taught you what NOT to do. My dad was a lot like this toxic mother & when I was raising my own child, I would often ask myself, “Ok, what would my dad do, right now?” And then I would do the opposite. My daughter grew up much stronger and healthier than I did.
My childhood and the healing work I am doing is largely so that I can be a better mum for my son, than my own experience. Your son is lucky to have a mum who is so self aware and committed ❤️❤️
I'm always so worried about becoming this to my own kids because of my mom. I try to be the 2nd example mom and be 3rd example of the adult child when I have to deal with my mom.
i wish i had of kept my kids away from my Mum. She undermined me and i didn't even realise it. ie. trying to teach a kids not to interrupt and she says to me, 'pay attention to your daughter she's trying to show you something', but i was talking and she knew she was to wait and listen to figure out if she should interrupt and when. making fun of you in front of your kids. bringing lollies and then saying you feed them only crap. the list goes on and on. my other 2 kids that had a matching narc/pers disorder are only just starting to question things. but they are pretty f'd in the head. one has bashed up men, pulled on handbrake at 80 k's. lots. the other married a narc (i think) who just didn't let me come over. only once for her tupperware party. didn't turn up for meeting in the park. then if i complain it's me laying guilt trips. argh!. run like hell.
So triggered. Was and have always been “too sensitive” for her. Up until recently I realised being sensitive is one of my greatest strengths and wouldn’t change it for a minute of pretending I’m not.
She contracted herself with that by saying men don’t pick up on things. Usually that’s what I find women are referring to when saying they want someone sensitive: someone who senses things/ perceptive.
Man, I heard that a million times. “Your too sensitive.” I have PTSD when I hear this phrase and want to freak out. My mom is your classic narcissist, my sister was too. I’m well versed in this area that’s for sure.
Not only was, and still am called "too sensative", my mother would often repond with "Don't freak out!" If I complained about her treatment of me or how my bother treated me. So, yeah, I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me for wanting basic respect and dignity at home.
Translation: Everyone is too sensitive for them, because they have no empathy or heart, while others do. They should be locked in a room together, to suffer their own abuse.
Me too! And this was said most often when she was over-reacting to something I said (or didn’t say), or thought (or didn’t think)… I stopped talking to her several years ago and I literally couldn’t be happier!
I’ve had a big fallout with my narcissistic mother last week and after researching on narcissistic mothers I feel like the blinders have been taken off my eyes. My whole life my mom has had issues with my weight fluctuation and I now see that it is a projection of her own insecurities. In high school she would bribe me with ‘if you flatten your tummy I’ll buy you a Chanel bag.’ Or embarrass me in front of my friends in the car. I’d be speaking and she’d interrupt me and say ‘your gut is sticking out. Tuck it in.’ Last week she bought me a blouse and after I called her to thank her, she said ‘I knew it would fit you because you’re chubby.’ My husband heard and I realized that I had enough of the comments. The next day on the phone I said ‘mom, could you please not make any more comments about my weight? I’ve been hearing these types of comments from you my whole life.’ Well she saved the argument for three days later when my husband and I took our kids to visit my parents and she brought it up, saying how I hurt HER by bringing up how she’s talked about my weight my whole life. I kindly defended myself and actually pleaded her not to make comments about my weight again. My dad then shouted and yelled at my husband and I and said that if we didn’t like it we could leave. Cursing at us, just yelling unnecessarily. I realized that he will always defend her, always take her side. I haven’t had contact with them in a week, this is the longest I’ve gone without speaking to her. She’s used to me calling her everyday, visiting every other day. But I feel like for the first time in my life I can breathe. I can enjoy my kids and husband without being humiliated in front of them. All of this because I defended myself about my weight. It’s scary to stand up to your parents, the ones who gave you life. But sometimes it must be done.
Yes! You go girl! The weight issue drives me batty too! Actually, it USED to drive me batty. Like you I learned to stand up for myself about it. It took a while (years) but she has finally stopped digging. My problem was different though. Except for when I broke my leg and got pregnant my weight has always been pretty stable normal - but even so my mom has tried her hardest to make me feel bad about my body. When I was 13 she told me that I needed to go on a 1200 calorie diet. I didn't know how to do that and she offered no direction so I didn't. Recently a friend sent me a photograph from that time and I was astounded to see I was actually skinny! Then she would always pat my butt and even squeeze a little to see if I was getting slack. Or she tried to tell me that 110 lbs was too heavy for my 5 foot frame "no woman your size should ever weigh more than 95 lbs!" She told me that size 4 was too big etc. She would say to me "I know you have always struggled with your weight" (not true!) And ask me my weight every time I saw her "You look lije you are packin' a bit of weight. What do you weight these days?". Sometime after my son was born I started answering her with "only my doctor knows for sure". " My doctor is not concerned". "That is between me and my doctor" Etc. I also told her to keep her hands to herself. I have also learned, over the years, to NEVER ask her to treat me respectfully. I simply tell her that there are boundaries she can not cross. I mention that because you said you asked your mother "could you please not not make any more comments about my weight?". The problem is that an open ended question leaves room for her to wiggle out false concern and gives her an oppening to be defensive. I suggest you simply tell her that she is NOT ALLOWED to comment on your weight. And stick to that directive with tenacity. If she makes any comments you just stare at her with a dead eye stare "keep your comments to yourself". You could also try "You are being rude". Or "If you can't say anything nice, I suggesr you don't say anything at all". Don't ask her to behave. Just call her out for being rude.
A truly loving mother would NEVER say those awful things to you. It’s been over 2 years now since I completely cut ties with my mother (and her own equally narcissistic mother). I’m 31 years old now and I have a son. It’s been hard at times because I wish for his sake that he could have a lovely grandmother, but he never will. If you have to cut off contact for your own mental health well being, don’t be afraid to. Many of us have to do it. 💕
Here's hoping you have left their company as your other parent demanded. That's abuse. By engaging with them, you're signing yourself, your spouse and your children up for their abuse. That's not right.
Wow… That is literally so horrible. I hope you are able to stand up for yourself with her, at all times going forward. My mother and father have the same dynamic. I stay very far away from them both now that I’m able to.
Others: “Why do you think I don’t love you!” “I was an excellent mother to you!” “You turned on me on X trip to FL when you were 12.” (My divorce is about her.) You’ve always been like this.” “I never said that!”
Their parents probably did the same thing to them; hence their behavior...the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Often the kids have to be the grown up in the room.
My mom said to me “ when you’re not ok, I’m not ok”. That seems normal but literally I feel the same, I can’t tell her things cause I’ll have to comfort her over things that are happening to me. Which is when stuff gets downplayed and where saying “it’s fine” all the time because the usual.
@@allisonlynch588 Same hahah, I used to self harm as a teenager, and instead of my parents getting the right help for me she would say(while crying)- it hurts me so much when you hurt yourself, if you love me please don't do it, just remeber me if you feel the need to do it 😭😑 My father was also very hurt by it but his excuse was, we should not get you help because you can't do some jobs if there is a record of mental problems(aka being a policeman, as he was a policeman, even tho I never had intentions of being a policeman). One time I did something to myself again, he was so angry at me and he told me how much it hurts watching me cut myself over and over so that I should just kill myself already. From that point I deal with everything by myself. And they are always like- why do you never talk about yourself or anything thats going on in your life 🤡🤡🤡
Should we offer "healthy Mom" classes in High School? How about healthy parenting, healthy communication... This might make everyone live a peaceful life?
Yes classes would be nice but then I’d be particular about the teaching being healthy and sound. I don’t want the government schools teaching me that lol!
Wow I didn’t even know I had a narcissistic mom until I watched this video. She constantly invalidates my feelings. Ever time I come to her about something, she takes the other person side. It makes me feel crazy and has lowered my self esteem and confidence in my own decision making. Thank you.
@@moonharp ((HUGS)) ... last thing one should expect from any 'parent'. Unfortunately, you're not alone having a toxic parent... What's really sad, imho... = not even close to alone. FAR too many people, in general.. it's like we're living in the Twilight Zone (what it feels like anyway) Idk what has happened to integrity, compassion, empathy, love... decency, respect, humanity.. People of all kinds... (while I adore animals) FAR too many, imho, treat their pets or stray animals even, WAY better than they do other people; even their own loved ones, families, children, friends, etc. =( Stay safe & be well.
Just triggered a memory..at 17 a doctor said some inappropriate complimentary comments about my breasts when examining me for asthma. I told my mum and she said, "Maybe he was just being kind."
Wow. This hit home. When I was 19 my boyfriend I lived with threw me down the stairs. After, I drove to my mother's house and when she opened the door I started to collapse into her arms in tears, telling her what happened. She angrily pushed me away, said she hadn't heard both sides of the story and that I probably did something to provoke it. My therapists over the years have labeled my mother a narcissist, but I've had trouble accepting it. Each little bit of info like this video help with the acceptance and necessary healing. Thank you.
Wow I had a very similar story and same age!! (I’m 27 now) Me and my ex had gotten into a huge fight about him faking that he had cancer to scare me into not leaving him. It had escalated to the point of him throwing a vase at me from across the room and then running up behind me while I was trying to escape up the stairs, he grabbed ahold of my sweater with both hands, dragged me down the stairs like a dog, and then threw me onto the couch and then punched me in the face until I blacked out. I woke up to him sobbing because he thought he had killed me and wanted to call the cops on himself for what he’d just done to me... Anyways I got too scared to call the cops because of our constant fighting and didn’t want our landlord to kick us out, so I called my mother instead. Was expecting her “love and protection” when she arrived at our home, but instead she screamed at me saying how ridiculous this whole situation was and that I was probably asking for it and must have had him backed into a corner for him to react the way he did. My whole life has always been me receiving what I have asked for. No compassion or empathy.
It floors me that people can be so damn insensitive. Reading your comment made me understand that these people have a warped sense of needing attention. I really hope you're doing good :)
@@fionahaliburton3756 Your comment is very telling, sick, grotesque, but telling. Does anyone notice that that condition is self-terminating to a species? If a species of animal lived for the day they could see their offspring destroyed, then what would be the trajectory of or outcome for that species? Would it continue? Or would it destroy itself? Man is destroying himself in so many ways.
Me calling my mother after my ex husband had badly assaulted me and threatened to kick me out of the house. My mother: Oh please do not call the police, DON'T make a scene, imagine all the drama between families, so embarrassing. You just have to be patient with him, remember ALL of your mistakes... I need to go, it's breakfast time here and your dad is hungry. I'm making pancakes, and then I have to go shopping later today.
WOW THE LAST PART HIT ME! THATS MY MOM! I CALL HER WANTING TO TALK AND SHE ENDS UP TALKING ABOUT HERSELF, TALKING DOWN TO ME.. THE MOMENT I CORRECT HER THAT NOBODY HAS EXPERIENCED SOME OF THE THINGS I HAVE SEEN WITH MY OWN EYES, SHE SAYS "I HAVE TO GO NOW, GOT TO GO TO THE SHOPS BYE!"
My mom's response - hide the gun and think about being more respectful to him. Unsaid, but she didn't like losing a good dance partner at weddings. I didn't listen to her, except the hide the gun part.
Mar Hoods, I know you not going to like what I am going to say and I am not saying it is right however; in order for our world to change i believe we have to look at all situations. First, let me say, I am so sorry that someone physically harmed you. Secondly, that your mother is so out of touch with her own feelings/ emotions and power that she could not be there for you. Thirdly, that type of reaction has been going on for a long time so it is going to take alot to change it. My grandma was abused and she was told, we don't talk about it, sweep it under the rug. When she married, her husband cheated, lied and was abusive to her and her children. Her mother told her, " you made your bed so lay in it." Grandma went to the priest and asked for help. He told her to go home and be a better wife so her husband would act better. Guess what my grandma did to my mom? The exact same thing. It is completely crazy. It has been going on for generations. My point is your mom probably comes from this generation and it has been pounded into her head to act right and not talk about it. I don't know if their generation has the ability to change, they are afraid. They have tied down all those feelings and emotions for their entire life. To acknowledge your pain or difficulties could open a volcano of her own buried pain. Let me just say, I am NOT saying this is right. I have went through this with my mother and needless to say, I don't think it will be healed. It has caused me great pain. I am working on healing that pain, it has helped me to understand how this behavior has transpired through the generations. I know it isn't about me. I am enough, just as you are enough. I promise you this is not about you and your worth. Your mother can't give you what she wasn't given, just the same as mine. We are changing a stagnant past and it can be difficult, but we can help each other through it. I hope you will advocate for yourself by finding safety away from your abuser and building a healthy tribe to support you. Sending you love and blessings ❤
My abusive ex in all ways u can imagine used to live with me at my parents house..I'd be covered in bruises every day and when she asked what they're from I'd tell her "I fell" type shit but clearly she knew what (who) it was really from...things got worse with me and him, after he started choking me to the point I couldn't make a sound and (this is graphic but I'm keeping it real) forcing himself on me (in my a$$) while I was sleeping to the point I would be in the shower bleeding....after months of that he was about to hit me one night so I defended myself....she had the fucking nerve (I did not know she was a narc at the time) to tell me if he took it to court she would be on his side. I hate her.
@@kaytimberlake7764 Thank God he’s an EX make her one too. Probably got drawn to the abuser from her abuse growing up. Mental torture just as bad as physical. Stay strong! Glad for you that you recognize it too!
You're not alone. My mother defended my first husband when he decided to start dealing drugs (and she HATES drugs) to make some extra money. Said i wasnt doing MY part, when i'd just had a baby 4 weeks earlier, and worked right up until the day i had my son. Literally left work, to go have a baby. And she blamed me. Again, her shit. And her loss. That's how i see it. His drug dealing could've cost me my son. And she defended him. Needless to say, i got a divorce. From him. And never spoke to her again about my personal problems.
Ditto. And "Get into your little head and do X/as I say)". She also told me she thinks I have bi-polar (without having any education or knowing anything about the disorder) because I was sad and going through a break-up. When we're having an argument, she will deny stuff she said previously in the conversation ("I know myself and I would never say that!"). She will endlessly sympathize with my ex'es and be distant when I try to explain my side as if it's complete nonsense to listen to.
Lorie, my narc mother, would usually say the words “you’re acting like a demon. Where’s my Angel Lara?” I soon realized “Angel Lara” was whenever I bit my tongue and let her yell and hit me. After I moved out and stopped taking her “advice”, I would hear her tell me “it’s like I don’t even know you anymore”. No Lorie. You are just getting to know the me I wasn’t allowed to be while living under your roof.
I got in a fight with my ex once, and I was talking to my mom about it, I didn’t know she was a narc then, and he was my first boyfriend, I trusted her when she told me - “You better be nice to that boy - no one else is gonna put up with your shit.” Believed that for years.
Yesss! My Mom always telling me how difficult I am to live with. I told my husband when he met her "She's going to compliment you while throwing me under the bus" when they met she did exactly what I said. she told him what a great guy he was and was so happy he could put up with me ....started triangulation immediately.
“Unsupported, not seen, blamed and criticised”. My relationship with my mom described to a T!! If ever I raised an issue that she didn’t like, she would immediately call my father to “back her up”. Which, to his discredit, he always did, no matter how irrational her behaviour.
I feel you I'm 27 and it feels like no matter what I do I never get ANY support from her. Same with my dad I really wish I could have a relationship with them but its impossible.
I’m reading the comments section and it amazes me how exactly our mothers react to us using almost the same exact words!!!!! The worst part that they feel like they are the victims 🙄
Narcissists love to think they're special, what's hilarious is that they all are making moves from the EXACT same playbook. It's mindboggling how cookie cutter they are
Also, I noticed the children of narcissistic parents get in a relationship where their partner is abusive. Which is sad to me but also interesting. I wonder if it is because the victims believe they don’t deserve better or it is subconsciously they are attracted to these people. Just curious.
I don't really know if this is so much related to narcissism per se (or I presume it is) although my father I'm sure doesn't have narcissistic disorder. It goes, that I had a conflict with him. We went for a walk to the mall; because of some bullshit he had been upset with my mother, therefore with us (that's how it works for him). When we arrived at the mall, we (my mother, my sister and I) got out of the car and started to look at the first stores, it turns out that my father had left because of that crazy annoyance (the exit was with us the two sons, my mother had little or nothing to do with it, the problem is that he left us stranded in the mall). Sorry if I seem a bit repetitive but well, not being validated in a big part of your life takes its toll. Now it happens that because I have claimed that this is another act of abuse and violence, and with good reason eh! I am the one to blame for starting to have a bad relationship with my father (of course in the perspective of my conflictive father). And this has prolonged his annoyance. psst..... same shit that applies to my mother. If he has this kind of behavior and applies it without too much remorse I better stop caring.[...]. Slightly separate issue, which still bothers me, and I want to share, because it bothers. [...]As much as he didn't care about our pet's health until shortly before his condition had progressed to critical. Oh and boy did I have to beg for him to heed my claims. The inevitable happened, and when I complained about his lack of attention and concern for the health of our loyal pet companion all he did was redirect the blame to me or my mother, when he is the one with the near monopoly of power and money in the house (because I don't call this mess "home") and other negligence, day to day stuff, only now with unforgettable consequences. translating tool: Deepl
And when you decide to get healthy, they manage to go around telling everyone how you dont love them and how much that hurts them😳 If it wasn't for videos like this, I would still be feeling guilty for staying away from her. Thank you Thank you for sharing this content!!!!!!
Yes! Mine too.... how could I be so mean as to cut them off, when in fact they started by cutting me out, giving me the silent treatment as punishment for not toeing their line. I then realised the freedom it gave me when we weren’t in contact.... they then tried to suck me back in. I said I needed some space to consider our relationship and asked them to respect that. Their response was harassing me through multiple daily emails and phone calls. So I blocked their number and email address. I now have peace and I love it. Though I know they are badmouthing me to everyone who will listen.😕
This is my mom currently. She's attempting to engage my drunk paralegal aunt to "work on her(me)". My aunt accuses me of being in a cult. That I'm not the girl she knew. She never knew me because we were never around and I haven't physically seen her in 25yrs, mom and step-dad were military. All this because I don't talk to them anymore and haven't in 3-4years because I hit my breaking point. Then she pulls a pity party on FB about her "being dead to her(me)". And how she might just be soon.(something she's threatened to do over the years as a manipulation tactic) She can't understand how I feel peace when I am not in contact with her or her flying monkeys.
Can you imagine how it was in the 1980's when there was no internet, and the word "narcissism" hadn't much been heard yet, when there was no explanation as to why these people were so crazy, and the old family values of "always standing by your family no matter what" were still in place? Around 1985, the realization first came into societal view, that there were times when a person would be wise to cease contact with their family (the term "going no-contact" was not yet heard.) But it was almost unthinkable, viewed as radical, perhaps viewed as limited to physical violence or addiction. But I knew in my heart from a very young age, that there was something VERY wrong with that person, that the whole "family" (it sure didn't feel like a true family) was broken in a very serious way, that did include meanness, at times violence, and lying (what is now called "gaslighting.") After they lied again in 1987 over something serious, I knew they were not in Reality, and I chose Truth/Reality, and that summer, decided that I would soon separate myself from them by ceasing contact. That fall, I moved away without a word to another city and began to process the truth. It was a hard journey, a journey alone, but I was very fortunate to separate myself when I did, both in terms of my age (then 26) and their worsening condition. Imagine how much worse and severe things would have been if I hadn't left them for another 30 years? I'm so glad I separated myself; it was an extremely good decision.
Mine yells and rages a lot. But only to me. The public thinks she’s so charming and outgoing. They won’t believe me unless they’ve been a close friend and finds out the truth.
This is called stonewalling and is one of the most vile of tactics. It is designed to stress you out and make you feel isolated and it often works. Try not to let it work and view it as a 'holiday' in which to organise your way out of living with her. Or if you're underage and have no other relatives that will take you in, use the time to get some peace. Learn meditation.
IVE been married for 31 years and my mother keeps telling my husband "I'm sorry that you put up with her all these years". Fyi this was just for no reason. I only see my family every couple years since we live a couple thousand miles away. And I'm still the one they all come to when they need something.
@@sabias3932 unfortunately she is in ill health. But, she still gets in emotional abuse. There are 4 of us. She needs assistance. She has made it next to impossible to want to take her in. We are hoping to find somewhere for her to be safe. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. She has fallen a couple of times. Last year she broke an arm. This weekend a rib. And she is in a state that is overrun with covid right now. Just getting her medical help is tough. Hospitals are near capacity.
@Lexi 93 Yeah this is how my mom does it too. The sorries are never sincere, always conditional, and she'll immediately shift blame-- "I'm sorry your childhood wasn't perfect, but I was a single mom and I was the parent who stayed!" when we tried to talk to her about the horrific physical, verbal, and emotional abuse we suffered as well as educational, medical, and general neglect. We stopped talking to her in 2015, haven't regretted our choice once
WakeTheWoke, I am not your mom, but I believe we can all nurture each other into healing. I am sorry and I love you. ❤ Please allow yourself to feel my empathy and complete love for you. 😘
The fact that you portrayed the narcissistic mother as someone more calm and passive-aggressive is actually very validating. She sounds nice and gentle and not at all what you'd typically expect from a narc mom. It's a lot more similar to my experience with my own mom. Thank you.
I noticed how much more confident the son became, once he had his mother’s support. He sort of lit up. These are the people that have the confidence to go for the promotions at work. They confront their friends when they feel mistreated, they go for what they want, and are bold to refuse what they don’t. When they get it wrong, it doesn’t tarnish their self-image because they have a source of love and support. They feel safe, and no longer view all situations as a battle ground. It makes so much sense.
Nicely said , but honestly not only those people go for it, to level up their life. I had none of that support and thinking of my family makes me feel guilty for even breathing but i make it a personal bet to push myself. I feel all kinds of anxiety, nausea, guilt when i ask for something that i actually deserve but man o man do i feel proud and geatefuk when i accomplish it.
@@annapuczyowska8772Same here! I learned how to stand up for myself and fight for what I want and deserve, in spite of my narcissistic parents ; ) I do therapy sometimes and it also helps a lot. But I know a lot of people who have very supportive, loving and caring families who are egotistical and cowards, so it's not like a rule.
If I'm in an empowered state, my birth mom goes silent because she knows she can't manipulate me. She just sits and listens with no commentary at all. Even when I cry, she just stares.
She’s not well (mentally), Love. And she may be VERY jealous/ envious of you. My mum is the same. People have been saying to me (for decades), "Your mum must be so proud to be your mum...always saying to others, “I have an amazing, loving, very talented, beautiful and wonderful daughter." Others who have discernment have said, “She wants to be you." Stay strong 💪🏽, beautiful! It’s kind of hard to wrap one’s head around jealous, unsupportive mothers/parents. (I’ll claim 📃 ✍️ you as my niece or Daughter-in-Love...since I don’t have a niece or a daughter of my own). 💐These are for you. I got your back! Sending lots of Love ♥️to you (and a virtual hug 🤗), from San Francisco. 😘
@@lemostjoyousrenegade I finally came to the conclusion that her jealousy was at the root of the behavior. Took me almost 50 yrs and tons of slave labor for her bizs
Yeah, the stare while I`m crying. Blank stare. I remember her doing that when I was 7, and recently too saw it AGAIN. What`s up with that? No hug, no comforting words, nada...
@@cedrique9175 she’s unsure how to deal with you because she lacks empathy or the ability to nurture or relate in a healthy way. You are worthy of being held, heard and supported. I’m sorry she’s been unable. I hope you’ve found others in your life who are. 🙏🏼💜
When I tell my mother that she's invalidating me and I need her to listen to her daughter, she tells me I'm emotionally abusing her by saying those things to her. It's a never ending circus dance trying to have a conversation about anything at all.
Some mothers receive no boundaries and every discussion like thus gets us upset and guilty that we even tried to say a word to them while they are our "mothers", how dare we?
Same. Every time I try to set boundaries with her or ask for her to just listen to me and/or respect my decisions and boundaries I end up somehow feeling guilty for it. She won't own up to her part in any problem unless she has no way to deny it and then she throws her hands up as the martyr and says, " Fine, it's all my fault. Everything is my fault. I'm just a complete failure as a mother and won't try to do anything anymore." It's either/ or. There's no inbetween or compromise. It's all going to be her way or no way. Period. She can criticize me all day And it's mothering but if I bring up anything she does that hurts or upsets me I'm an ungrateful rebellious child. And if I come up with a solution or make a decision for my own problems of any kind it's automatically viewed with suspicions or outright dismissed as wrong.
"You always misinterpreted me!" Is something I hear from my mother everytime I confront her on what she says to me. It's always my fault for failing to understand
next do one where the narcissistic mom secretly delights in hearing her daughter's woes, feigns support, then uses what is confided in her against her daughter at a later date...
My narcissistic mother would use what I’ve told her as conversation starters with people to get sympathy from them. She loves being a victim, so telling people her daughter is in an abusive marriage is excellent for getting sympathy. No help. No practical advice. Just ‘isn’t that so bad. He shouldn’t do that. I put up with this from your father... bla bla bla dogs this, work that” 😔
I feel ya, as approaching 40 I realised that I have fantasies about some imagined parents that were just cool and supportive and erased my parents faces
Thank you for portraying it like this and not making the mom completely nasty and mean/evil. I always doubted myself thinking "could she be a narcissist?" because most portrayals are very extreme. My mom isn't hateful, but she's always the victim. I could relate to that first conversation SO well.
Sarah, my mom is the same. She's got the victim/martyr thing down to a T. It is narcissism and the fact that you're questioning yourself tells me she's been at it awhile. They like to have us question our gut and second guess ourselves but nine times out of ten you are spot on.
I can’t trust my mom with anything that’s important to me... she uses it against me in really subtle and manipulative ways which makes me second guess whether or not I’m overreacting. Right now I’ve gone about six months without talking to her and I want to try and reestablish a relationship with her using a more empowered approach. The part where you said “mom you just made everything about you while siding with my abusive girlfriend”. I’ve wanted to say something like this SO many times to her... but hearing it is so terrifying!!!! Is that the empowered way to talk to her then? I’m going to need to gather up some more courage...
If I gave my mother that feedback, she would accuse me of being judgemental.We just email about recipies, weather and pets - all very sanitized and safe; not very frequent..
Listen, I cut out my narc paedo mum 2 years ago. Don't invite her back in your life. This whole obsession over confronting her will never workout. She will not allow you to ever get the better of her. She is a psycho. Move on. Be happy. Ruin her by cutting off her narc supply. Then you'll have room to breathe and quit thinking about her ever again. It's truly healing when you can remove her from your mind.
I'd be careful about that. I don't know how many times I've been with people (it doesn't stop at just my mother) in which I end up feeling triggered to some extent due to my core issues being reactivated of feeling unseen and unheard etc. I keep expecting myself to breeze through it. The problem is that no matter how "together" I may feel in my life beforehand, one of these events can temporarily knock it down like a house of cards. But you can measure progress if your triggering event gets less intense and doesn't last as long. There is also the advice to do 'grey rock' in which you don't emotionally react to anything while in their presence. This is good advice but you have to be careful not to sound too bored or robot-like because then they will pick up on it and start needling you. Other advice I've read is to: have some kind of purpose for the visit and try to keep the time limited. Also to have a good legit excuse to leave so that you don't have to stay in their company too long.
Oh boy do I understand that Shelby Lynn you can't trust your mom with anything, If I told my mom anything she would tell the whole family, right in front of me if not as a joke to embarrass me to tears. OH my mom loved to humiliate me. Then act like whats wrong? I was only joking she would then say oh you're so sensitive.
@@reneeberry2829 Yeah I got the same, mine would find letters of personal stuff I wrote then start quoting stuff and using It against me, spreading it over my desk, wouldn't leave me alone about it.
"I hate to say this - but I told you so" was what my mom said when my husband walked out on me. I also sense that she is a tiny bit happy when I go through a crisis. It may be a feeling and I may be wrong.... But listening to the supportive mom in this clip actually brought tears to my eyes. How I wish I could get this kind of support, that would be wonderful.
Yes it really does hurt! I have both parents to deal with my mom is cold and distant and my dad is completely self-absorbed! I feel and have always felt abandoned by them!
When I was I high school the therapist I was seeing in school asked me if I thought maybe my mom was happy when something bad happened to me, it's called shandy freud, not sure on spelling. That was over 15 years ago and he knew what was happening, I didn't find out until a few years ago.
@@prittyugly86 interesting, dont know what that term is. But what narcissists thrive on is emotional action, so if there is something going on emotional in someone elses life, like pain they get excited. Also a mother who finds meaning in "helping" their children and has no capability of thinking about herself and her own problems can be a bit glad to be "needed". So for example if you only call her when you are going through tough times it means she is "useful" but then she never hears from you when all is good well it makes her fell left out and almost wishing for some feedback, that she is still a "good mom". This is of course sick but it does not necessarily mean they are like evil more that their life is rather messed up. Remember your mum is also the fruit of her upbringing so she may be messed up and unable to be a proper mother to you because of her conditioning from childhood. What I have learned to do is to expect nothing. Just take her for what she is and try to enjoy it if possible. She wont support me, that is not who she is, she is not able to. If she does support me verbally I try not to get overexcited and imagine she has changed.
@@prittyugly86 From Google: What is an example of schadenfreude? Schadenfreude is defined as feeling happy when something goes wrong for someone. An example of schadenfreude is smiling when you find out that your ex-boyfriend's house burnt down. Pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others. Malicious enjoyment derived from observing someone else's misfortune.
It also doesn't help that in our culture parents are seen as these flawless people, that they can't be wrong which makes the children think that this kind of treatment is not wrong. Let's be strong fellas! We can try our best to not do the same thing to our children!
This is right ! They think just because they're older they ALWAYS know better but they don't and it's so patronising and belittling because they never trust your judgement or your reasons but consider the other person's feelings instead !!
Spot on. Years ago when I first got married in my twenties it only lasted 2 years. I remember calling my mother devastated and crying and I told her that I thought my marriage was ending and the first words out of her mouth were, " Patty what did you do?" Whenever there was conflict in my life I was blamed. I am happily remarried to a wonderful guy. I started setting boundaries with my mother and she is no longer in my life, and that was four years ago. Here were the boundaries that I set: 1. I said this relationship can't be entirely on her terms. 2. Not everything is my fault.3. There has to be some apologies. 4. And that there had to be some boundaries. I never heard from her again.
Good example showing the nobel value you wanted to place on your relationship wth mom, and how little mom cared to save your relationship with her. We are highly disposable.
I am trying to do anything I can to get myself into a situation where I can do the same. Due to health issues, no car because she sold it to pay for her vacation, and no light at the end of the tunnel, it’s starting to get really hard to make through the day without considering an extended prison sentence as a sound and viable option
Can relate , no matter how much evidence I had that my husband was abusive she always thought the world or him and that I must be the problem . She even took me home so she could 'teach me about being a good wife'. So glad he left anyway
That's part of the problem. Not every narcissist is obviously horrible. My parents are so lovely and kind except to me & my sister. My nephew is their shining star (even though they mistreat him also and he can't respect them).
My narc mom on the phone. “Do ya talk wanna talk to yer dad?” Had my last phone conversation with both 4 years ago. They are 84/85. I was raised on silent treatment. My silent treatment now. They taught me so well.
@@WeRNthisToGetHer Ungrateful little ........ Actually, what i meant. Was healthy relationship people, looking in at. Old people left on their own, in their senior years. Wondering, about the a-hole children. When it's really the old person, getting a fair deal.
Haven’t spoke to my mom in 20 years. We email but it’s always about her. In fact if nothing is going on in HER life she doesn’t write for years... I guess I was raised on the silent treatment too. Now that she’s almost 90 (and my sister just passed) she only has my bro to rely on as we moved away years ago. I tried to speak to her last year in regards to nasty letters my SIL sent. She pretended it didn’t happen. I concluded she’s either a narcissist or a narcissist who knew about the letters. Either way...🥶 someone else wrote: “Well there you go again, trying to buy donuts in the hardware store!” Perfect analogy.
When my boyfriend physically abused me and my parents found out, my mom said she didn’t believe me and said I was exaggerating even though I had a broken rib and fractured face, even when I went to Emergency Room. That was devastating.
i never realized my mom has narcissistic tendencies until i found ur channel… our relationship is so strained… i love my mom but i feel on edge and irritated all the time when im around her. Ive become more empowered over the past few years and she interprets as me being selfish, grumpy, giving her attitude, ungrateful, always going against her, embarrassing her on social media etc.
Same, except the social media part. Being educated & enlightened here, is so powerful for our own comprehension of others' behaviors. It truly helps us develope and in turn, foster healthy standards for our own life.
Two weeks ago I was “the empowered child” and when my mom had to let out her anger again (on me obv) I just responded “go complain to the dog” and she later on called lots of people telling them that I ruin her and that she probably has heart problems because of me because I constantly make her angry and therefore her heart beats too fast.... bye
Same. My mom makes scenes and throws tantrums and when I call her out she claims I ruin the family and I cause all her heart issues. Don't fall for the b.s.
That's what mine does too! I had so many episodes in my life where I had little control of the situation. She results to calling me an idiot and hates that I have problems making her life so much more difficult.
Just go no contact. Seriously. After years of dealing with my paranoid narc mother and enabler father I've walked away for my own well being. There's no fixing these people. Serioulsy. There's no fixing these people.
Same here, I have no relationship with my narcissistic dad, I even forget I have one.. as soon as I left that was it.. very interesting to see this... So important that I listen to my kids and put them first
@@Ty-cr7pf so sorry, l left at 17, l was lucky though l had my boyfriend who is now my husband, he helped get me out, l had to put myself through college at night and we lived in a mobile home until we could get a mortgage, but l remember feeling helpless and wanting to get out of the abuse. Stay strong ❤️
I am confused! My narcistic mom would react like the ‘healthy mother’ dialogue, because she would be so HAPPY that I will be single again so I can spend more time with her. She sees other people as a threat because she wants ALL the attention and can’t stand it that my sister and I have a own life.
What really bothers me is when I’ve told her a problem I’m going through and she has to minimize it by talking about someone else going through something similar or a character in a book! She usually goes to a story about something in her past and completely minimizes my situation. I never feel listened to. She told me a few years ago that I don’t call her very often and I finally asked her if she truly wanted to know why. She said yes so I kindly but firmly told her why. She was a little better for about a month and went completely back to the way she was. If people have no self awareness they won’t change.
As a parent, I have to ask this question: is it possible she is trying to show you that you are not alone, that others go through similar things? As parents, we can be very misguided, but still mean well. Is it possible she doesn't realize the comparative stories make you feel less valued?
@@tlf3757 it’s possible. I don’t think she does it to be mean but it bugs me. I am a mom to 3 adult children, so I get what it’s like to be an imperfect mom. I recently told her it makes me feel minimized when she does it but she probably won’t change. I’ll still be kind and treat her with respect because she’s 89.
@@tlf3757 Yes, I do this in situations I can relate to, to show 'I feel you', I say something like 'Oh, yes I know, I had that this time or that time. I learned to do this, or that. Let me hug you.' It is a way to create a relationship. I'm happy, too, when someone understands me. Soulmates. 😀
I know what you mean. I collapsed and needed emergency surgery and when I woke up from the anaesthetic my mother told me I was an inconvenience, that she helped my husband with the kids which was “taking advantage” and I don’t know what it’s like to be really sick cos she was diagnosed with “gastritis” and that’s much worse than having your ovary twist and perforate. Oh, and I did it all for attention.
Did not officially recognize my mother as being narcissistic until watching this and remembering having this exact conversation with her that caused me to stay with an emotionally abusive boyfriend.
Wow, some of these lines are exactly what my mom says! She literally said tonight the "you've always been sensitive, and so I've just never known how to talk to you or approach you without you getting upset". And the "there you go again, misunderstanding me". She has said this to me so many times. It's like I am not misunderstanding you!! You are not listening to me!!
I hear that often too. Next time I'll say that she's the sensitive one for not being able to take things seriously. I'm pretty sure she will start yelling, but then that proves it to her ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I don't care if she will not talk to me ever again after that.
My whole life Nichole K, this . Now I know I'm not only just a normal person but I am actually a "sensitive", and it's actually a really helpful thing. There's a free documentary on Amazon called SensItive... not sure if it's your cup o tea 🍵, but I found it pretty encouraging.
I told my mother of an assault that happened 20 years ago, that literally destroyed me and changed me for life. Initially it was "supportive" but then slowly became a "weapon" for her to use against me. That's when I knew who she really was all these years, and realized why I stopped giving her Mothers Day cards and hugging her at a young age. My gut knew even as a small boy somethings not right! The most destructive part of it all, (before I knew she was a Narcissist) was when I told her "don't take this personally, but I wish I never told you" What was my Mothers response? "Yeah, you never should have told me!" .................I haven't talked or scene her since and it's been almost 2 years.
Good job being the NM. Maybe be told me she sure hoped that I didn’t cross wires in this marriage since his family is powerful and church powers and they will really hurt you and me and dad . Five years later What mom meant was she was sure I could be gaslight and manipulated to think “my fault” after he broke my hand and gain favor w his parents. She told me haha I was lazy and just wanted to come home for a way out of work she didn’t believe he slaps me around and is screwing a friend. Mom and dad showed up in court for him his parents and pretended they were not at fault for my “bad behavior “ long suffering me. Evil evil people anyway. Thanks for the video
Exactly what I'm realizing now is that same thing. Its hard to stay mindful of the fact that they're narcissistic when they are so good at hiding their true colors until they get your guard down.
I wanted one all my life she was a heroin addict took heroin while pregnant with me and neglected and abused me I was then raised by my grandparents and to this day she still twists everything to make me the one in the wrong
Your smart! I on the other hand would tell her everything only to realize that she was never suppotive but would put me down. Ufff....not good! She screwed up my life!
The sad part is that my mom said to everybody that I don't have any experience just because I decided to not share my life with her... Is just not healthy
This video is incredible. I'm 49, no contact with my narc mother and have been in therapy for 20+ years to undo her damage. I am amazed at content like this being so freely available to kids these days because when I was young, there was literally NOTHING. No support, no advice, nadda. If was was a teen or in my 20's and had access to this type of advice my life might have been completely different and I might have realised how f**ked she is much earlier in life.
I don’t even have conversations with my mom if I told her anything she’ll use it against me. No matter what happened to me she will use it against me. Once I got fainted a few times because I was so sick and she took me to the hospital and after that she keeps repeating how she took care of me and she wishes that happens to me again yet she always repeats literally ” I’m the best mother”. when she got mad about anything she’ll remind me about the tough time I got through to put me down and try to makes me feel awful about my self. At this point I don’t have any feeling left for her. Not even hate or anger I feel just empty
When I was 17, my gallbladder started acting up. After 3 months of putting off a diagnosis (her idea) and another 3 waiting for a distant surgery date, I went to the emergency room. I was taken to the nearest large hospital and I spent a week completely miserable. I wasn't miserable because I was in pain, I was miserable because Mom forced me to be. She didn't want me smiling or acting happy at all for fear the doctors will think I'm faking my condition, even though they had already given me pain medication and verified the diagnosis with a number of tests. I spent a week bored, pissed, exhausted, and stuck in a room with my Dad and that rotten bitch that gave birth to me.
I’m here for Healthy Mom! It almost brought me to tears. I wish I could hear a parent say this to me. I’ll just be the healthy mom for my daughter, I swear!
Ah wow...Im in my 40’s and have loads of memories of my parents telling me I was so sensitive (said as a put down) for years!!!! But how cool is it when you can turn this around. My sensitvity is what helps me in my work!!! Good vid thanks!!
It’s narcissist code for you have needs and it’s going to make them acknowledge them and they don’t want to. They hope by calling you sensitive you will go away with your needs.
Only a sensitive person can be called healthy people.insensitive zombie are rude.indiffrent . inefficient in doing work and to top it all off STUPID.they got short life span too.may GOD bless them so that they heal sooner before it's too late
Omg if i had a dollar for every time I heard "no one knows you better than I do" throughout my childhood, I would probably make up the $15,000 my narcissistic mother stole from my college fund!
Wow, that was just like my mother, except since it was about a breakup, she would secretly be excited about the prospect of me being unattached so she could get more control over me.
Your role plays made me cry...It's all those things I wanted to hear when I was in that situation, instead I saw lack of interest and blame for me. Thank you!
Seriously. The timing, the intonation, the emotional display of frustration and disappointment combined with lack of empathy and invalidation/rejection of her son’s feelings ... I almost felt like I was hearing a recording of past conversations with my own maternal unit.
Thank you so much for this video. My mother is a narcissist. She has blamed everything on me for years. A few years ago, she decided that I have too many problems to even talk to anymore. (Wonder why, lady?!) It is awful to know that your mother hates you. It’s actually been very freeing, to not have to deal with her, even though she intends it as a punishment. Sadly, the rest of the family and family friends all believe her version of history because “She’s a prominent teacher!” I really find more support just reading the comments on this video than I have ever gotten from my mother. Thank you for that.
I might not have the healthy Mom but the healthy Mom sounds like me when friends come to me to talk about their relationships. It helps validate that I'm not completely broken after a lifetime of abuse.
"I'm supposed to anticipate everything she needs and wants without communicating anything to me." This is actually what most resembles my mom in these scenarios 👀
Wow it’s like you were literally channeling the spirit of my narcissistic parent. Spooky! That’s exactly how they sound. The chronic dismissiveness is completely demoralizing. The stories they tell themselves about what’s important are so offbase. 4 years no contact and it’s still not enough to escape the memory of how I was treated my entire life.
Omg! I felt so anxious when the empowered child was talking to the narcissistic mother. When speaking to my overt narcissistic mother I get so anxious, because she’s always in opposition to me. And talking to her is so emotionally draining. I’m so glad I cut her off! I found when I had a problem, and tried discussing said problem with my narc mother, I was left feeling worse than I did before I called her. The very last time she did that I vowed never to speak to her again, and haven’t spoken to her since. I was feeling so rotten before I called her, and couldn’t believe after I’d come off the phone to her I felt a million times worse and like I was at fault in some way. No contact is the way to go with narcissistic parents. My fathers an overt narcissist, I’ve also gone no contact with him.
this is how I feel - is it normal to feel massive anxiety - such as feeling like you can't pronounce words properly, feel a tightening around the chest for days, don't want to talk to anybody anymore, just want to curl up and ever wake up which progresses from the last moment you finished speaking to your mom?
@@MuhammadAliGOAT I’m so sorry you feel this way. Yes, it is normal to feel anxiety when dealing with a narcissistic mother. It sounds like you may need to speak to a therapist to discuss your feelings and gain some insight and clarity in regard to your relationship with your mother. It also sounds like there maybe some childhood trauma there, that hasn’t been addressed. Your feelings of anxiety sound very overwhelming. If your mother is making you feel this way, you need to go no contact with her. You need to distance yourself from your mother, and set healthy boundaries for yourself. You may also want to try breathing exercises, meditation and even yoga. There are many guided breathing and meditation videos on TH-cam to help you with your anxiety. Again, if your mother is causing you major anxiety attacks you need to distance yourself from her. Once you do, you will stop feeling this way. You’ll be amazed at all the wonderful things you can achieve, and the amazing opportunities that come your way when you cut narcissists out of your life. Narcissists are like bad luck. And when they go, suddenly your luck changes and positive things start happening. Well, it happened for me anyway. I hope my advice is beneficial and helpful to you. I truly wish you all the best. I know how debilitating it can be living with anxiety 🙏❤️.
@@BriBri82 thank you for your comment, i read it all. I moved to china, so I think thats enough distance right? ever since I moved out it got better and I became my super self again.. but whats weird is, even when I accidentally speak over the phone for first time in a year - all of a sudden it happens all over again - yes their is defintley trauma and because I was defensive my whole life, now I know the same outcome will happen but i don't want war anymore and mix that in with the type of person who does not like bullies because of being bullied in my childhood - I kind of made a self pledge to myself after leaving school to not let anybody ever again walk over me in any sort of way and now I have to bully the bullies.. now I am super confident, respected by everybody in my life and even feared by those who try cross me now.. but when its my mother, I don't want to defend, explain myself.. and once she puts me in the defensive position of where I have to explain and defend myself, she will become more ruthless and belittling, so then it eventually progresses which every time now I try to deflate or call it a draw just to keep my own well-being relaxed and the same.. but I usually end up having to attack her with sly digs back and then she just says "i've got to go now, you have to make it quick, I have to get the shopping in" all this in the space of 10-15 minutes.. lets be nice and say 30 mins or even 1 hour at tops (mentioning the time and even exaggerating the time because she always makes a big deal out of how disgusting it is speaking to her son for such a long long time and says no way, it was more like 1 hour not 15 or 20 mins YOU spoke to me!) - this is the first time she has spoken to her son in ever, who lives in china, never spoken to me or seen me in over 1 YEAR.. and to increase the anxiety even more, she does not give the courtesy to hold the phone to her ear, she will put me on loud speaker and listen to me "ramble on" as she puts it WHILST SHE IS DOING THE DISHES, EMPTYING THE BIN, WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE OR SMOKING.. talking about not being valued! I always wanted love from her, and she has never give me it. I try go no contact, but its my mother, I just want that mother and son relationship.. I am 30 now and I still trust her - which is clearly a mental dysfunction on my behalf because everything I have ever told her about me or my life, she stores it away and then uses it back on me and sides with everybody who is doing me wrong. Just completely lonely.
So insightful! Young people, please listen to his advice. Get help as soon as possible. You could end up spending decades in one abusive relationship after another if you don't!
This is so true, speaking from experience. Been in so many abusive relationships... But only after I recognized that my mom was a narcissist, i realised that my perception normal was screwed coz i knew nothing else. 2 year later after recognizing the abuse, i got married to a very wonderful man... And i am truly blessed, he accepted me with all my short comings and he has given me a safe space to heal, still in the process. But i worry for him coz i do feel like an emotional wreck and a burden on him.
So true! I've really only had one healthy relationship when I was around 19 and the rest have been terrible. My current bf is good though but only because we both realized what we need to work on and are going to therapy (he has narcissistic parents as well it seems)
That’s my mom she never had my back but I was expected to have hers. She never taught me anything about anything she expected me to somehow magically know things that needed to be taught and then treated me like there was something wrong with me for not knowing. When I was in an abusive marriage she always supported him and blamed me and said I needed him because I wasn’t capable of making it on my own. I have lived alone for many years while she jumps from one man to the next. The girlfriend you described sounds like the first man I shared a home with. He constantly went out to the bars and told me I was too sensitive about the mean things he said to me. He cheated on me with someone from the bar too. I think my mother being a narcissist scarred me into accepting attention from other narcissists because this became a pattern for me until I just gave up on men. I figured if that’s what I’m doomed to receive I would rather be alone.
![[LIVE] : ONE ลุมพินี 80 | คู่เอก "รักษ์ vs ยอดนำชัย"](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/ckLMRorsMeY/mqdefault.jpg)
When I told my mother I had Multiple Sclerosis, she was so upset and said, “Imagine if your daughter had just told you she had MS!” She cried for herself and wanted comfort from me about it. That’s narcissism for you.
I totally sympathise on this. I was diagnosed with MS almost 6 years ago and my mum STILL makes it all about her.
I recently got a letter to schedule my neurologist appointment for next year, which my parents drive me to as I can't drive. Her first comment was how it was going to be boring for her to sit around waiting for my appointment to end (because being poked and prodded is obviously super fun for me!).
She also constantly invalidates my symptoms. I have awful fatigue, insomnia, pain etc, and she either doesn't care or turns it around to herself and how she's super tired all the time too (Not. The. Same!).
I'm sorry that rant just came spilling out. Wishing you all the best x
@@clusterbungle completely get it! Oh the two together are torturous at times. MS is EXACTLY like old age you know.
Woooowww! Cancer "survivor" here with MAJOR complications resulting in rheumatoid arthritis, and signs of MS... My moms only issue is "You can NOT leave your kids with me" &&& totally uses MY HEALTH to make others feel sorry for her
OMG. These people are amazing, aren't they? I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Yes, they want you to comfort them for a problem YOU have. It's all about them, no matter what.
😳😢 That's horrible. So sorry.
My mom takes "standing up for myself" as "disobeying her"...
Yes! And to this day my parents think I was the worst kid ever once I decided to start standing up for myself. My sister never did. She just went and did what she wanted. My narcissistic mum would then whinge to ME to go parent my sister and keep an ‘eye’ on her. We’re 1 year apart!
@@koobie83 oof, I'm an only child so all my "bad" behavior just gets blamed on me or MY FRIENDS.
Exactly. I'm just now learning how unassertive I tend to be because of my relationship with my narc parent. I'm just now learning to stand up for myself in life and it's interesting how draining I find it. Oh well. Just gotta keep practicing til I'm good at it.but also, lessen my exposure to people who I have to stand up to at all. 🤔
@@koobie83 interesting. Same here. All hell broke loose when I started standing up for myself as a teen and that made me the "problem" child and my sister (1 year older) was "perfect" because somehow she did what she wanted without an argument. So weird trying to understand the family dynamics today (us kids are adults now).
@@tinaperez7393 same, I'm learning how to be less of a pushover but because of my same narc mother of course she takes it as me being a bitch haha xD
Narcissistic mother's see their children as an extension of themselves rather than an individual being entitled to their own independent life.
Oooo hit a nerve with this comment
Omg that's the perfect way to put it....your more like a human possessed by them rather than your own person with your own thoughts
I had a therapist say that-exactly!
@Anne Hedonia NO!!!....u just miss your babies.....that's natural for a good mom.
Absolutely, you better earn a good salary so she can tell all her friends.
Sometimes a mother tries to pretend she is the healthy mom but secretly and deviously tries to sabotage the child
Definitely
Story of my life!
I will give you thumbs up 100x!!!
Or tries to sabotage each child against one another too
Why?
Once you know your parent is narcissistic don’t have the conversation in the first place.
yep. This is usually best except my mother would call me once a week. my one brother just doesn’t answer the phone. he is possibly smarter than I am. I feel like I would have to say something explaining why I’m going to not be available, need some space, but she would use that to attack me.
K J
Nearly busted a gut. At least I'm at a place now where I can laugh about comments like this most times. Thank God
Yup. Keep your personal life to yourself around the narc. We all learn it the hard way.
They will use anything you confide in them as ammunition, just don't tell them anything and they can't use it against them.
@Alyssa Lopez same. But now knowing the way she treat me is toxic I'm so angry. Everytime she speaks to me I get so angry. Maybe it's my defense mechanism helping me out. For now Grey stone is the most helpful for me
@@langyd4518 I know how you feel! One shouldn't need to explain why not answering when someone calls. And then getting attacked and feeling like crap for not being available 24/7. Even though it can be super hard, it's even harder to cut contact. Hang in there! 🙏🏽
“Give the gift of your absence to those who do not appreciate your presence.”
@Ramón Jurado Borrero works for me.
This hit
I live with them sooooo
@@Ashley-ro4xz move soon
well said
The fact that the first roleplay doesn’t even seem weird to me is disturbing.
It's only weird to me because I didn't know it was a thing (and now I do). I knew it felt off, but I didn't know why. This has been going on my entire life.
I didn't see an issue with the first one and i guess that's not good
Same. This was me with my mom and my ex. Really fucked with my brain and still does. She was worried that it will make her family look bad in the town I’m from if I get a divorce. Its all about what other people think, not my feelings.
Omg, your reaction made me laugh so hard. Because i know exactly how you feel. I had the same reaction! But i'm so glad i finaly see it now. i had to laugh so hard in stead of feeling my pain i guess :-)
Yup me too
The narcissistic mom will not let that interaction with the empowered child go. She’ll never forget it and make the child pay over and over.
I agree that’s hard
Yeah.
My NM never let go of anything, always bringing things up that happened years ago.
yes yes yes
To disagree with her is "not valuing" her as a person because you "don't value" her opinion, and then to set a boundary around what support looks like is probably "blatant disrespect" that justifies making an explicit point on withholding any future support. You can't win with these reactive people who live in projected toxicity.
So true
The healthy Mom talk made me cry, I wish my mom talked me like that
Right??😔 how comfortable would it be to know you have some one to go to about anything
Exactly. I tried asking my mom for help with my abusive older brother. She just wanted to put me on anxiety meds that wouldn’t help if my abuser lived with me.
Me too =(
My mother isn't involved in MY SEX LIFE
Yuk
Kid: *clearly states what he needs.*
Narc mom: “I just don’t know what you want from me!!!”
Damn.
I feel this so hard. I had a conversation with my mom recently where she waited until the last second to tell me that plans had changed. I told her in the future I'd appreciate it if she told me as soon as she knew that plans were changing so that I could be ready. Her response: "I don't know what you want from me". How do you get any clearer than that? They don't want to understand because that would require them to have to acknowledge they were at fault.
Yup, been there....
Wow this is my mom it’s insane
wow this is an exact fight i had this morning...
That’s such a classic response
When I found out I had a very rare, untreatable autoimmune disease, I was devastated. I cried to my mom about it. Her response: “there’s other people out there who have it worse than you.”
Maybe she did it to encourage you?
I’m sorry that’s such an invalidating thing to say to someone. Autoimmune diseases are no joke, you had every right to feel upset when you got the diagnosis. The one person who should have had your back, did not!
Yes, I have heard this.
Apparently all those “other people” matter more than me.
This is a typical response. Either she has or had it worse then you or other people suffer more then you, but your suffering is never enough to give you sone empathy or encouragement or love. You could be about to die that she would not care and say others had a much worse death than you.
MANY TIMES, have I had the displeasure of hearing THIS! IT'S LIKE: walking for hours LOST in The Desert!
Healthy mom says “tell me more honey” and “honey I’m proud of you” and I’m like WHAT?! This is amazing! I want that!
Yeah! And me: No way! That is really unrealistic! Haha. 🙂
- And then I thought again. 😭
(Don't worry, I'm fine.👌✨)
Me too 😭
I KNOW!! Me, too. Would love that experience just once. Right now I’m trying to learn to be the empowered child, but it’s hard. The guilt, shame, and apologizing is true.
i told my mother she never says she loves me or is proud of me here response...Yes I did I told you I cant wait for you to get your masters degree so I can put it on my wall and show everyone the hard work and sacrifices I made a single parent to help you accomplish your dreams". like WHAT!!!! that's not even close to the same thing.
They say honey? 😅😕
When I tell my sister that I was looking to our mother for support she says, there you go again trying to buy donuts in the hardware store
That's a good phrase.
One of our hardware stores sells pies!
I like this analogy. Comparing a hard woman to a hardware store. You're not going to get anything soft there.
Best description ever!!!
hahaha
haha love this x
My narcissistic mom can’t go that long without changing the conversation to her day lol
Yeeeesss
Lol my ex use to do that too
Pahahah!!!!!!
Ditto friend. Ditto! Every call, every time. Never fails.
Yeah
I am 49 and have finally figured out that no contact with my mother is my healthiest route. I can’t have a conversation with her without feeling completely misunderstood, and not cared about.
Me too! It is good and ok/great for us. We have lives to live!
That's what I did, and I feel much much better! No regrets! Unfortunately, even though I got my Nmom out of my life, I'm stuck with my verbally and emotionally abusive dad because of COVID. I don't have a driving license, I live in a small town, and I feel powerless. He always finds a way to ruin my mood, and scream at me about the smallest inconvenience. Luckily, I've learned to stand up for myself but he takes it as me being argumentative. I really can't wait until I graduate so I can move out. I just can't believe I have no one in my life who actually supports me or loves me unconditionally. I only have my best friend and uni mates to lean on. But they live far away, and we only communicate online (since we're doing online learning only now).
I can't believe I have to run away from my own parents just to feel safe. I wonder what I did to deserve all this abuse. Why is it that I feel much happier with my friends' parents than my own biological parents???
@@DMCdantenero112 I’m so sorry. That sounds like a tough place to be in, especially since the world has gone crazily on top of everything. Be patient and keep your eyes focused on the prize: independence and safety, and away from people who are miserable and want you to be miserable along with them. Stay strong and get that degree🙏💖I truly wish you the best.
But if you mention that feeling to her...she plays the victim. Lol. That's what mine does anyway
Me too. And when she drives me literally crazy, she says that she does it all for me, and she dies everything to be liked and blames her hurting me on me. It took me ages to understand that. My therapist asked me why I keep in touch with her and I dodged the question. I believe the time is now. I know she wasn't cared for enough when she was a kid, but so wasn't I. And I don't want to mother my own mum. I feel so much better now.
This was so triggering to watch, especially the last one where he sets boundaries. The terror I have of setting boundaries with my mom is crippling. The reaction would be to blame me for hurting her, for not caring about her feelings, telling me I always overreact. One thing she accuses me of is always seeing everything in black and white.
It's hard because I know she was raised by a horrible mother, and she's not ok herself.
You're wise to protect yourself and you know best how
She's projecting bc she sees everything black and white
Yes this is 100% projection. She's actually the one who hurts you, doesn't care about your feelings, overreacts and sees everything in black and white.
@@Daniel-yg7wh My mom loves to use the phrase "you're just projecting!". It's kind of funny (and sometimes infuriating) due to the OVERWHELMING irony of it. She'll say that, but seems to not truly understand what projection actually means, or if she does, have the self awareness to realize that it's EXACTLY what SHE is doing.
She tends to do this if we're drinking at a family event and she get's a bit too drunk and starts misbehaving. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I might look at her and ask if she's alright. She'll proclaim that she's fine and then ask if I'm alright. When I calmly say I'm good and it's no biggie, she just seems a little drunk and maybe she's had enough, she'll loudly say something like "What?! I'm not drunk! YOU'RE drunk! I think YOU'VE had enough! You're just projecting, sweetie!" Then the next day, she might go on about how drunk everyone else was the night before.
Honestly, it's usually just kind of funny when this happens, however, it's an exaggerated example for how she tends to behave even while sober. My mom's a smart woman. She's perfectly capable of understanding logic, reasoning, and concepts like projection just fine...as long as it isn't related to something SHE did.
Once you weather the initial storm, it gets better. At least it did for me. I don't take any more of her sh*t. Had to learn healthy boundaries and actively enforce them.
This video just made me realise that I was not crazy the whole time
Me too
Yes!
Same
Omg my mother always made me feel like I was crazy. She literally said point blank to me that I was psychotic and there was something wrong with me
No you’re not crazy, that would be a shame for the family. Presumably it’s the “bad genes from you’re father” 😅 at least that was the explanation I got.
my mom went to a full blown temper tantrum when I said things like 'you're not listening / supporting'.
Yours too? Mine asked why I was trying to make her feel guilty. I was around 6 or 7 at this time too.
Mine as well. I saw a vision of her in a high-chair at that moment and it scared me. She full out acted like a toddler and ate up every moment because all of the attention was on her, right where she wanted it.
Thank God for my sister. We've only grown closer over the years. Without being able to compare our interactions with our mom and validate each other's experiences, we both would likely be A LOT crazier than we both already are. We may have never been able to put the puzzle together on our own. Our mom is great overall. She's very sweet and loving. As long as there's NO issues that involve ANYTHING related to her behavior. Turns out, it's likely that the only reason our interactions with her have been so smooth overall, is because we both learned to internalize our issues and never rock the boat and call her out for any of her faults.
Our mother's amazing. She's loving, nurturing, kind, talented, and supportive...as long as we don't bring up any issues we may have with her. As soon as someone rocks the boat, that's when we find out just how cold the water can be.
Same
not gonna lie i almost cried at the second healthy mom, how i YEARN for that interaction with my mom
💝
Same for me. Like having a real mother :'''''''''-( Take care Natalie.
Me too! It is wild how much basic emotional support can seem worlds away with some parents
I was interested to see that part. I've never seen it. I have no idea what that looks like (seriously). When I was raped by a stranger in college campus 15 years ago my mother asked if I did anything to deserve it and told the DA she was pretty sure I didnt make it all up (when she knew I had evidence in the form of medical records). I yearn for a healthy mom too. Keep holding on, Friend. We can always "adopt" a mom figure later in life. I believe in you and I'm cheering for you! Best wishes!
oh my gosh you guys are so nice! 🥺
It is heartbreaking how many people have this type of mom....I just want to sit and listen and hug you all. So much love to you beautiful souls. No child's deserves this type of treatment.....
I really didn't think love was real growing up. Narcissistic abuse is insidious because the abuser gaslights you and then you internalize the abuse as self-hatred and low self-esteem. When I get down on myself and have feeling of unworthiness, I can realize my deep shame is the abuse I experienced and realize that I can love myself.
@@omarb155 - I didn't realize this until I was watching a cheezy Hallmark movie about an adult woman who was going through a hard time and her mom just went to her and held her and was just there to love her, with the love a Mother has. She supported her with her love and, even though the acting wasn't that good, the feeling came across as intended. I realized I never experienced that sort of love, between mother/daughter. It must feel wonderful. It made me sad, both for myself and my mom. It's almost like I feel like I was adopted (I was not) and she's 'loving' me because she accepted me as her responsibility. Weird, I know.😕
Thank you so very much.. That is so nice to read!!!❤❤❤
"I don't know what you want from me."
Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I could pay off my student loans.
No worries.....Biden will make aaaaalllllllllll your debt go away!!! Psssh 😣
haha SAME I feel this comment ughhh
It's good to know there are other ppl experiencing what you are. And some ppl take decades not to keep looking for support from people who are unable to give it and getting into relationships with emotionally unavailable people. I know I did! Habits can be hard to break but it's good when you recognize it.
@@sugarfalls1 I hear you on this! We grow up with the experiences & attitudes we are surrounded by.. however when we are older , we either become aware or stay in the same place & continue the cycle. My mum is BP with narcissist like traits, but its a hard one to unravel since BP can comes across as a narc. Bi polar people without treatment continue to get worse & dont see the other persons feelings they cannot even understand how to "put themselves in someone else's shoes" so their responses can be very "selfish" & narc like. This is a similar convo I would have with my mum re past toxic relationships. she would almost enjoy it & side with them. She LOVED the fact I would come to her wanting support because it would give her a chance to feel needed & loved (thats how she sees it) so NOW that im in a happy & healthy relationship fo 4 years, she cant handle it, she will try to make a fight from something 20 yrs ago or bring up some negative statement to create something .. she always asks me - so what problems are happening in your life, you never tell me about your stresses , worries or sadness" .. "I have none mum Im really happy these days we live a low key life working & enjoying each other company to grow old together" .. "OMG SURELY you have some issues? DONT U EVER FIGHT?" OMG LOZ YOU ARE SO NOT NORMAL" ... she will LITERLLY GET ANGRY because I have nothing negative, upsetting or unhappy to tell her.... I KNOW, it sounds crazy :( my mum refuses medication, wont accept her diagnosis ,... she is Bi polar & I swear is part narcissist ... I love her, but boundaries, its too much, toxic :(
I’m so sorry you heard this - her loss x
My mom is narcissistic, but she'd be happy if I broke up with my bf, because she doesn't want me to have any type of bond with anyone else but her. She keeps me absolutely isolated.
Ya this video is mixed up!!
Yes. Control and jealousy is a big part of my NM
I'd like to add that my mother also encourages my sister to control and abuse me. I am 24 years old but still was being guilt-tripped when I was on the way to have a sleepover at a guy's place (he was not my boyfriend). I received a text message from my sister saying "take care" with full of sad, crying emojis. I felt that my privacy had been "attacked". My sister also said once that she won't LET me marry a man she doesn't like. She thinks she is my 2nd mother... My mom is only worse. She makes me feel guilty and ashamed all the time and uses silent treatment if I don't obey her. They make me very suicidal, I sometimes have homicidal thoughts towards them. I really wanna escape but I feel that I'm unable to live alone.
@@Norahungary You have likely been trained to think you are the opposite of how you are for these control mechanics as well. I'm willing to bet your natural instinct is in fact very independent and they were threatened by that early on and convinced you you were incompetent without them. Trust in your strength - I believe in you and your ability to create freedom.
@@IntoLightElle Thank you so much, it means a lot!
Interesting video! Calling my mom about a problem was not even an option for me. I'd rather speak to a friend.
Penny C this
Same here, I used 2 really be ashamed about it. Since becoming a parent and with age, I've become more aware.
GOON same
Me neither !!!!!
Interesting. 1. Dad is clinical, banished him completely ( got that hate messages on answer machine). 2 then discovered mother treats me like a small child and I’m exhausted with duties, doesn’t talk to me about my feelings, was ill told her twice she hung up. 3. Seems I’m really good with boundaries, I sent them and she broke them all within 24 hours so now I’m estranged and in recovery. I feel free had enough of the duties but her narcissism is not overt it’s very subtle but it’s there enough for me to be here and estranged.
Good video very helpful thank you
I did not know my mom was a narcissist until I married a narcissist. Now, my life is beginning to make sense.
Isn’t it strange we think it’s normal
isnt that interesting how your mom was one and was the person you married? maybe its true that people choose partners whos behaviors are similar to that of parents
@@sonikacherukandy4231 yes
Bingo!!!
me too...finally putting my mind back together
My mother is a narcissist on steroids. She knows absolutely nothing about me, nor is she remotely interested. Every conversation is turned into something about her and she can't even help it. I'm middle aged now and she's in her late 70s and it hasn't changed an inch. It is only recently that I recognized the damage this has done to my psyche. I wish I had realized that it was not a reflection on me decades ago.
"She knows nothing about me" yep! Outside of the date *she* had her first daughter, and the name she had picked out, she doesn't know me at all.
However, she thinks she does. If you ask her to tell you about me, she would list off her perceptions of me. In other words, she would either tell you about the ideal daughter she wanted to bolster her image, or she would tell you about the flaws she saw for not fitting into her ideal daughter image.
@@karis3647 I have this issue with my sister. Every story she tells is so twisted and manipulated from the core of the truth of what happened. She always has a villain. She finds new novel people when she burns the bridges with her old friends.
Anything she knows about me is only in relation to her joy or suffering. Any good thing that occurs in someone's life she will sabotage to twist and make herself the victim. It's like a constant state of victimhood, twisted narratives while she sits on a throne and looks down at everyone as lesser.
I'm sorry to hear about your mother. For me it was like mourning a death, about 10 years ago.
@@JenniferEver I've cut my mother out of my life several times. This current run of no contact is just over 5 years. I understand the mourning. Realizing that relationship you yearn for isn't possible is like the death of that relationship. All I ever wanted from her is a mom. But she can't be that, so I just won't have the mom I need. Instead, I try to be the best mom I can.
@J Mc I've realized that no matter how many times I try, she's never going to see the damage she's done. Narcissists only see how others fit into their lives, now how they fit into others lives. The world revolves around them, therefore they are never wrong. It's the faults of others when a problem arises.
After living with her growing up, I ended up marrying a narc. The way he treated me was normal to me. In my experience, that's just how people treated eachother. 8 years later I ended that marriage. I'm now happily remarried and astounded by what I allowed myself to subjected to all because that was what I was taught love looked like. Between him and my mom, I lived almost 30 years believing I was irreparably crazy. Turns out, I had PTSD from abuse (I've worked through most of it, the triggers aren't nearly as frequent)
However, in my ex, my mom has found a kindred spirit. Someone with whom she can gossip about her 'mentally unstable' daughter. Someone who would agree with her that every problem in their lives are because of me... even though I have no contact with either in any way shape or form.
So, in addition to seeing me through her own lens, she has someone telling her she's right about me. Therefore, she'll never change.
Kim, same here. I’m in my 70s and she’s in her 90s!. Hadn’t talked to her in awhile, needed a break. When I called her she talked about herself for 45 minutes and didn’t inquire about my (her) family. I had a grandchild for the first time! I’d become a grandparent and she’d become a great-gran but she had nothing to say about that or interest in sharing about the baby or the new parents. Because, she didn’t do it, she didn’t initiate it. Nothing outside her head happens.
The narc mom is spot on except add some anger and jealousy then you've got my mother👌 knowing you'll never have a good mother is so painful
Same here you know it is painful
It's fucking painful. It's also painful to know you will never have your childhood back.
It is soo painful and devastating when you’re father is also severe narc. It destroyed me.
I know it’s painful. You’re doing the right thing.
Same here. Both parents. It has destroyed me.
Omg the "you're sensitive," and "I don't know what to tell you"...
It's crazy. If and when I talk to my mother about some of my serious life issues, all I get is: "I don't know what to tell you". I feel like I'm speaking to a very absent friend, not a parent. It shouldn't be like this.
That resonated with me as well.
Yeah, struck a cord with me too.
Personally, I enjoyed the "you've always been this way. I'm your mother, I should know." Part. That's my mom. Claims to have a mystical connection to me from childhood to keep me feeling like noone can understand or accept me the way she can. She even uses it to tell me who I am if I grow...no no come back dont grow up....THIS is who you really are. (Eye roll)
My mom would say " you'd cry if someone looked at you cross-eyed." Yep, I'm extremely sensitive. I think I saw her cry once becauseshe was emotionally stressed, any other crying was due to deaths in the family. I could never understand why my being emotional was a bad thing.
With autism and being raised by narcissists, I get really really happy and proud of myself when I notice I used to respond in a narcissistic way but now act in ways WAY closer to the healthy examples. Toxic behaviors really can be unlearned and its such a fulfilling journey. If you're reading this and you might have narcissistic tendencies (whether from abuse, from birth, with or without diagnoses) self care snd patience really make the fucking difference. I believe in you.
I just want to be the healthy mom. 😭 My son deserves the world, I'll never understand how my mom treated me the way she did.
Use what she taught you and your son will be lucky to have you as his mom. She taught you what NOT to do. My dad was a lot like this toxic mother & when I was raising my own child, I would often ask myself, “Ok, what would my dad do, right now?” And then I would do the opposite. My daughter grew up much stronger and healthier than I did.
Just by the fact that you’re aware is already a big win. Just continue and you’ll be great
My childhood and the healing work I am doing is largely so that I can be a better mum for my son, than my own experience. Your son is lucky to have a mum who is so self aware and committed ❤️❤️
I'm always so worried about becoming this to my own kids because of my mom. I try to be the 2nd example mom and be 3rd example of the adult child when I have to deal with my mom.
i wish i had of kept my kids away from my Mum. She undermined me and i didn't even realise it. ie. trying to teach a kids not to interrupt and she says to me, 'pay attention to your daughter she's trying to show you something', but i was talking and she knew she was to wait and listen to figure out if she should interrupt and when. making fun of you in front of your kids. bringing lollies and then saying you feed them only crap. the list goes on and on. my other 2 kids that had a matching narc/pers disorder are only just starting to question things. but they are pretty f'd in the head. one has bashed up men, pulled on handbrake at 80 k's. lots. the other married a narc (i think) who just didn't let me come over. only once for her tupperware party. didn't turn up for meeting in the park. then if i complain it's me laying guilt trips. argh!. run like hell.
Like “sensitive” is a bad thing... lol. The narcissistic parent knows how to dismiss your good of qualities as bad ;)
hahhha...well said!
also used by people, I noticed that esp in various fb fights, in that exact way
I also see it as a super quality.
that triggers me to this day. trying not being SO sensitive for someone elses sake led me down a horrific path.
Ugh, my whole life! It’s horrible!
So triggered. Was and have always been “too sensitive” for her. Up until recently I realised being sensitive is one of my greatest strengths and wouldn’t change it for a minute of pretending I’m not.
She contracted herself with that by saying men don’t pick up on things. Usually that’s what I find women are referring to when saying they want someone sensitive: someone who senses things/ perceptive.
Man, I heard that a million times. “Your too sensitive.” I have PTSD when I hear this phrase and want to freak out. My mom is your classic narcissist, my sister was too. I’m well versed in this area that’s for sure.
Right? I've been told I'm too sensitive too.
fuck them all, positive energy only
Not only was, and still am called "too sensative", my mother would often repond with "Don't freak out!" If I complained about her treatment of me or how my bother treated me. So, yeah, I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me for wanting basic respect and dignity at home.
Translation: Everyone is too sensitive for them, because they have no empathy or heart, while others do. They should be locked in a room together, to suffer their own abuse.
Me too! And this was said most often when she was over-reacting to something I said (or didn’t say), or thought (or didn’t think)…
I stopped talking to her several years ago and I literally couldn’t be happier!
I’ve had a big fallout with my narcissistic mother last week and after researching on narcissistic mothers I feel like the blinders have been taken off my eyes. My whole life my mom has had issues with my weight fluctuation and I now see that it is a projection of her own insecurities. In high school she would bribe me with ‘if you flatten your tummy I’ll buy you a Chanel bag.’ Or embarrass me in front of my friends in the car. I’d be speaking and she’d interrupt me and say ‘your gut is sticking out. Tuck it in.’ Last week she bought me a blouse and after I called her to thank her, she said ‘I knew it would fit you because you’re chubby.’ My husband heard and I realized that I had enough of the comments. The next day on the phone I said ‘mom, could you please not make any more comments about my weight? I’ve been hearing these types of comments from you my whole life.’ Well she saved the argument for three days later when my husband and I took our kids to visit my parents and she brought it up, saying how I hurt HER by bringing up how she’s talked about my weight my whole life. I kindly defended myself and actually pleaded her not to make comments about my weight again. My dad then shouted and yelled at my husband and I and said that if we didn’t like it we could leave. Cursing at us, just yelling unnecessarily. I realized that he will always defend her, always take her side. I haven’t had contact with them in a week, this is the longest I’ve gone without speaking to her. She’s used to me calling her everyday, visiting every other day. But I feel like for the first time in my life I can breathe. I can enjoy my kids and husband without being humiliated in front of them. All of this because I defended myself about my weight. It’s scary to stand up to your parents, the ones who gave you life. But sometimes it must be done.
Yes! You go girl!
The weight issue drives me batty too! Actually, it USED to drive me batty. Like you I learned to stand up for myself about it. It took a while (years) but she has finally stopped digging.
My problem was different though. Except for when I broke my leg and got pregnant my weight has always been pretty stable normal - but even so my mom has tried her hardest to make me feel bad about my body. When I was 13 she told me that I needed to go on a 1200 calorie diet. I didn't know how to do that and she offered no direction so I didn't. Recently a friend sent me a photograph from that time and I was astounded to see I was actually skinny!
Then she would always pat my butt and even squeeze a little to see if I was getting slack. Or she tried to tell me that 110 lbs was too heavy for my 5 foot frame "no woman your size should ever weigh more than 95 lbs!" She told me that size 4 was too big etc. She would say to me "I know you have always struggled with your weight" (not true!) And ask me my weight every time I saw her "You look lije you are packin' a bit of weight. What do you weight these days?".
Sometime after my son was born I started answering her with "only my doctor knows for sure". " My doctor is not concerned". "That is between me and my doctor" Etc. I also told her to keep her hands to herself.
I have also learned, over the years, to NEVER ask her to treat me respectfully. I simply tell her that there are boundaries she can not cross. I mention that because you said you asked your mother "could you please not not make any more comments about my weight?". The problem is that an open ended question leaves room for her to wiggle out false concern and gives her an oppening to be defensive.
I suggest you simply tell her that she is NOT ALLOWED to comment on your weight. And stick to that directive with tenacity. If she makes any comments you just stare at her with a dead eye stare "keep your comments to yourself". You could also try "You are being rude". Or "If you can't say anything nice, I suggesr you don't say anything at all". Don't ask her to behave. Just call her out for being rude.
A truly loving mother would NEVER say those awful things to you. It’s been over 2 years now since I completely cut ties with my mother (and her own equally narcissistic mother).
I’m 31 years old now and I have a son. It’s been hard at times because I wish for his sake that he could have a lovely grandmother, but he never will.
If you have to cut off contact for your own mental health well being, don’t be afraid to. Many of us have to do it. 💕
Here's hoping you have left their company as your other parent demanded. That's abuse. By engaging with them, you're signing yourself, your spouse and your children up for their abuse. That's not right.
Wow… That is literally so horrible. I hope you are able to stand up for yourself with her, at all times going forward. My mother and father have the same dynamic. I stay very far away from them both now that I’m able to.
Let me guess you must look exactly like your mother. I think that makes it worse. I am sure you are a beautiful young lady regardless of weight.
I'm a therapist, and this is just fantastic. Nothing drives things home like actual examples. This is wonderful.
I agree. This was so spot on.
Others: “Why do you think I don’t love you!” “I was an excellent mother to you!” “You turned on me on X trip to FL when you were 12.” (My divorce is about her.) You’ve always been like this.” “I never said that!”
it is!!
The role play is a good idea, but a lot of narcissistic mothers are much meaner and less reasonsble than this!
I've never seen anything like this. Role playing is a genius idea. So clarifying..My mom was LIKE THIS!!
It's hard when a parent makes everything about them and their past and won't listen to how you feel and keep bringing them selves up
Their parents probably did the same thing to them; hence their behavior...the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Often the kids have to be the grown up in the room.
Narcissist are all about themselves , have no real feelings & make you feel worse after talking to them .
They’re losers
Because it is all about them
I’ve stopped sharing things with my Mom because it will make HER depressed. Thank you for reiterating that I am on the right path.
My mom said to me “ when you’re not ok, I’m not ok”. That seems normal but literally I feel the same, I can’t tell her things cause I’ll have to comfort her over things that are happening to me. Which is when stuff gets downplayed and where saying “it’s fine” all the time because the usual.
@@allisonlynch588 Same hahah, I used to self harm as a teenager, and instead of my parents getting the right help for me she would say(while crying)- it hurts me so much when you hurt yourself, if you love me please don't do it, just remeber me if you feel the need to do it 😭😑
My father was also very hurt by it but his excuse was, we should not get you help because you can't do some jobs if there is a record of mental problems(aka being a policeman, as he was a policeman, even tho I never had intentions of being a policeman). One time I did something to myself again, he was so angry at me and he told me how much it hurts watching me cut myself over and over so that I should just kill myself already. From that point I deal with everything by myself. And they are always like- why do you never talk about yourself or anything thats going on in your life 🤡🤡🤡
@@allisonlynch588 And the one- you always tell me you're fine but I can see something is off. Well guess what, I dont feel like telling you 🤪
@@diabellsabbath3230 girl I’m so sorry you had to go through any of that. I hope you’re taking care of yourself!
@@allisonlynch588 I'm a lot better now, thanks, hope you're doing good as well!
Should we offer "healthy Mom" classes in High School? How about healthy parenting, healthy communication... This might make everyone live a peaceful life?
Exactly! Things kids need to know and have to navigate life! Not another history class.
YES!
@@GLesbihonest or frkin algebra... How about communication and finance skills?
Yes classes would be nice but then I’d be particular about the teaching being healthy and sound. I don’t want the government schools teaching me that lol!
@@sassysandie2865 ahh... Good point!
Wow I didn’t even know I had a narcissistic mom until I watched this video. She constantly invalidates my feelings. Ever time I come to her about something, she takes the other person side. It makes me feel crazy and has lowered my self esteem and confidence in my own decision making. Thank you.
Yes, your mom is a narc! I’m sorry. It’s truly destructive. Mine is too and so is my father.
Good Lord, me too! Mind blown.
@@TheCulturalCompass Yes, here, too. I'm 64 and my mother is 92, and I'm just figuring this out? I feel like an idiot.
@@moonharp ((HUGS)) ... last thing one should expect from any 'parent'. Unfortunately, you're not alone having a toxic parent... What's really sad, imho... = not even close to alone. FAR too many people, in general.. it's like we're living in the Twilight Zone (what it feels like anyway) Idk what has happened to integrity, compassion, empathy, love... decency, respect, humanity.. People of all kinds... (while I adore animals) FAR too many, imho, treat their pets or stray animals even, WAY better than they do other people; even their own loved ones, families, children, friends, etc. =( Stay safe & be well.
Just triggered a memory..at 17 a doctor said some inappropriate complimentary comments about my breasts when examining me for asthma. I told my mum and she said, "Maybe he was just being kind."
Wow. This hit home. When I was 19 my boyfriend I lived with threw me down the stairs. After, I drove to my mother's house and when she opened the door I started to collapse into her arms in tears, telling her what happened. She angrily pushed me away, said she hadn't heard both sides of the story and that I probably did something to provoke it. My therapists over the years have labeled my mother a narcissist, but I've had trouble accepting it. Each little bit of info like this video help with the acceptance and necessary healing. Thank you.
Wow I had a very similar story and same age!! (I’m 27 now) Me and my ex had gotten into a huge fight about him faking that he had cancer to scare me into not leaving him. It had escalated to the point of him throwing a vase at me from across the room and then running up behind me while I was trying to escape up the stairs, he grabbed ahold of my sweater with both hands, dragged me down the stairs like a dog, and then threw me onto the couch and then punched me in the face until I blacked out. I woke up to him sobbing because he thought he had killed me and wanted to call the cops on himself for what he’d just done to me... Anyways I got too scared to call the cops because of our constant fighting and didn’t want our landlord to kick us out, so I called my mother instead. Was expecting her “love and protection” when she arrived at our home, but instead she screamed at me saying how ridiculous this whole situation was and that I was probably asking for it and must have had him backed into a corner for him to react the way he did. My whole life has always been me receiving what I have asked for. No compassion or empathy.
My husband was like that about my stepdaughter. No support, just "I wasn't there"
That probably hurt worse than the fall you took. If anyone did that to my kid I'd make sure they regretted it.
It floors me that people can be so damn insensitive. Reading your comment made me understand that these people have a warped sense of needing attention. I really hope you're doing good :)
@@fionahaliburton3756
Your comment is very telling, sick, grotesque, but telling. Does anyone notice that that condition is self-terminating to a species? If a species of animal lived for the day they could see their offspring destroyed, then what would be the trajectory of or outcome for that species? Would it continue? Or would it destroy itself? Man is destroying himself in so many ways.
Me calling my mother after my ex husband had badly assaulted me and threatened to kick me out of the house.
My mother: Oh please do not call the police, DON'T make a scene, imagine all the drama between families, so embarrassing. You just have to be patient with him, remember ALL of your mistakes... I need to go, it's breakfast time here and your dad is hungry. I'm making pancakes, and then I have to go shopping later today.
WOW THE LAST PART HIT ME! THATS MY MOM! I CALL HER WANTING TO TALK AND SHE ENDS UP TALKING ABOUT HERSELF, TALKING DOWN TO ME.. THE MOMENT I CORRECT HER THAT NOBODY HAS EXPERIENCED SOME OF THE THINGS I HAVE SEEN WITH MY OWN EYES, SHE SAYS "I HAVE TO GO NOW, GOT TO GO TO THE SHOPS BYE!"
I’m glad he’s your ex now and you didn’t follow her horrible advice❤️
My mom's response - hide the gun and think about being more respectful to him. Unsaid, but she didn't like losing a good dance partner at weddings. I didn't listen to her, except the hide the gun part.
So you didn't follow her and you are kicked out... Right
Mar Hoods, I know you not going to like what I am going to say and I am not saying it is right however; in order for our world to change i believe we have to look at all situations. First, let me say, I am so sorry that someone physically harmed you. Secondly, that your mother is so out of touch with her own feelings/ emotions and power that she could not be there for you. Thirdly, that type of reaction has been going on for a long time so it is going to take alot to change it. My grandma was abused and she was told, we don't talk about it, sweep it under the rug. When she married, her husband cheated, lied and was abusive to her and her children. Her mother told her, " you made your bed so lay in it." Grandma went to the priest and asked for help. He told her to go home and be a better wife so her husband would act better. Guess what my grandma did to my mom? The exact same thing. It is completely crazy. It has been going on for generations. My point is your mom probably comes from this generation and it has been pounded into her head to act right and not talk about it. I don't know if their generation has the ability to change, they are afraid. They have tied down all those feelings and emotions for their entire life. To acknowledge your pain or difficulties could open a volcano of her own buried pain. Let me just say, I am NOT saying this is right. I have went through this with my mother and needless to say, I don't think it will be healed. It has caused me great pain. I am working on healing that pain, it has helped me to understand how this behavior has transpired through the generations. I know it isn't about me. I am enough, just as you are enough. I promise you this is not about you and your worth. Your mother can't give you what she wasn't given, just the same as mine. We are changing a stagnant past and it can be difficult, but we can help each other through it. I hope you will advocate for yourself by finding safety away from your abuser and building a healthy tribe to support you. Sending you love and blessings ❤
I wish I had a supportive mom. She literally just said this. She defends my abuser because it’s about her. Terrible person.
Reina Algabri narcissist are the worst
My abusive ex in all ways u can imagine used to live with me at my parents house..I'd be covered in bruises every day and when she asked what they're from I'd tell her "I fell" type shit but clearly she knew what (who) it was really from...things got worse with me and him, after he started choking me to the point I couldn't make a sound and (this is graphic but I'm keeping it real) forcing himself on me (in my a$$) while I was sleeping to the point I would be in the shower bleeding....after months of that he was about to hit me one night so I defended myself....she had the fucking nerve (I did not know she was a narc at the time) to tell me if he took it to court she would be on his side. I hate her.
@@kaytimberlake7764 Thank God he’s an EX make her one too. Probably got drawn to the abuser from her abuse growing up. Mental torture just as bad as physical. Stay strong! Glad for you that you recognize it too!
I wish I could give you a hug and share my mom with you. :( (I had a narcissistic father and stepfather, just clicked this video out on curiosity)
You're not alone. My mother defended my first husband when he decided to start dealing drugs (and she HATES drugs) to make some extra money. Said i wasnt doing MY part, when i'd just had a baby 4 weeks earlier, and worked right up until the day i had my son. Literally left work, to go have a baby. And she blamed me. Again, her shit. And her loss. That's how i see it. His drug dealing could've cost me my son. And she defended him. Needless to say, i got a divorce. From him. And never spoke to her again about my personal problems.
my mom always says “you’re my child i know you better than everyone” and stuff like that it’s exhausting
😶 but they should, no? Not that she should use that to be manipulative though. Yikes
@@heather5926 Why should she?
That's very painful like you have no one else that cares about you. In addition I hear no one else will ever love you as much as I do. Vomit.
Ditto. And "Get into your little head and do X/as I say)". She also told me she thinks I have bi-polar (without having any education or knowing anything about the disorder) because I was sad and going through a break-up. When we're having an argument, she will deny stuff she said previously in the conversation ("I know myself and I would never say that!"). She will endlessly sympathize with my ex'es and be distant when I try to explain my side as if it's complete nonsense to listen to.
Lorie, my narc mother, would usually say the words “you’re acting like a demon. Where’s my Angel Lara?” I soon realized “Angel Lara” was whenever I bit my tongue and let her yell and hit me.
After I moved out and stopped taking her “advice”, I would hear her tell me “it’s like I don’t even know you anymore”. No Lorie. You are just getting to know the me I wasn’t allowed to be while living under your roof.
Me: I'm so happy with my boyfriend, living together has been so smooth
My mom: that's good to hear, you can be SO difficult to stand
this is too relatable
It sounds familiar to my conversation with mom 🙄
I got in a fight with my ex once, and I was talking to my mom about it, I didn’t know she was a narc then, and he was my first boyfriend, I trusted her when she told me -
“You better be nice to that boy - no one else is gonna put up with your shit.”
Believed that for years.
Yesss! My Mom always telling me how difficult I am to live with. I told my husband when he met her "She's going to compliment you while throwing me under the bus" when they met she did exactly what I said. she told him what a great guy he was and was so happy he could put up with me ....started triangulation immediately.
My mom: “I hope your bf didn’t call you b*^h like mine” like what??? Random text ??
“Unsupported, not seen, blamed and criticised”. My relationship with my mom described to a T!!
If ever I raised an issue that she didn’t like, she would immediately call my father to “back her up”. Which, to his discredit, he always did, no matter how irrational her behaviour.
This sounds exactly like my mom. It's been like this for 26 years and I'm just realizing now that this isnt 'normal'.
Me too.. are you doing okay?
Same
I feel you I'm 27 and it feels like no matter what I do I never get ANY support from her. Same with my dad I really wish I could have a relationship with them but its impossible.
❤️❤️ feel your pain
Me too and I’m in my50s
I’m reading the comments section and it amazes me how exactly our mothers react to us using almost the same exact words!!!!! The worst part that they feel like they are the victims 🙄
Narcissists love to think they're special, what's hilarious is that they all are making moves from the EXACT same playbook. It's mindboggling how cookie cutter they are
Also, I noticed the children of narcissistic parents get in a relationship where their partner is abusive. Which is sad to me but also interesting. I wonder if it is because the victims believe they don’t deserve better or it is subconsciously they are attracted to these people. Just curious.
I don't really know if this is so much related to narcissism per se (or I presume it is) although my father I'm sure doesn't have narcissistic disorder.
It goes, that I had a conflict with him. We went for a walk to the mall; because of some bullshit he had been upset with my mother, therefore with us (that's how it works for him). When we arrived at the mall, we (my mother, my sister and I) got out of the car and started to look at the first stores, it turns out that my father had left because of that crazy annoyance (the exit was with us the two sons, my mother had little or nothing to do with it, the problem is that he left us stranded in the mall). Sorry if I seem a bit repetitive but well, not being validated in a big part of your life takes its toll.
Now it happens that because I have claimed that this is another act of abuse and violence, and with good reason eh! I am the one to blame for starting to have a bad relationship with my father (of course in the perspective of my conflictive father). And this has prolonged his annoyance. psst..... same shit that applies to my mother.
If he has this kind of behavior and applies it without too much remorse I better stop caring.[...].
Slightly separate issue, which still bothers me, and I want to share, because it bothers.
[...]As much as he didn't care about our pet's health until shortly before his condition had progressed to critical. Oh and boy did I have to beg for him to heed my claims. The inevitable happened, and when I complained about his lack of attention and concern for the health of our loyal pet companion all he did was redirect the blame to me or my mother, when he is the one with the near monopoly of power and money in the house (because I don't call this mess "home") and other negligence, day to day stuff, only now with unforgettable consequences.
translating tool: Deepl
And when you decide to get healthy, they manage to go around telling everyone how you dont love them and how much that hurts them😳
If it wasn't for videos like this, I would still be feeling guilty for staying away from her. Thank you Thank you for sharing this content!!!!!!
Yes! Mine too.... how could I be so mean as to cut them off, when in fact they started by cutting me out, giving me the silent treatment as punishment for not toeing their line. I then realised the freedom it gave me when we weren’t in contact.... they then tried to suck me back in. I said I needed some space to consider our relationship and asked them to respect that. Their response was harassing me through multiple daily emails and phone calls. So I blocked their number and email address. I now have peace and I love it. Though I know they are badmouthing me to everyone who will listen.😕
God that is some truth that hurts
This is my mom currently. She's attempting to engage my drunk paralegal aunt to "work on her(me)".
My aunt accuses me of being in a cult.
That I'm not the girl she knew.
She never knew me because we were never around and I haven't physically seen her in 25yrs, mom and step-dad were military.
All this because I don't talk to them anymore and haven't in 3-4years because I hit my breaking point.
Then she pulls a pity party on FB about her "being dead to her(me)". And how she might just be soon.(something she's threatened to do over the years as a manipulation tactic)
She can't understand how I feel peace when I am not in contact with her or her flying monkeys.
Omg all of you are so accurate
Can you imagine how it was in the 1980's when there was no internet, and the word "narcissism" hadn't much been heard yet, when there was no explanation as to why these people were so crazy, and the old family values of "always standing by your family no matter what" were still in place? Around 1985, the realization first came into societal view, that there were times when a person would be wise to cease contact with their family (the term "going no-contact" was not yet heard.) But it was almost unthinkable, viewed as radical, perhaps viewed as limited to physical violence or addiction. But I knew in my heart from a very young age, that there was something VERY wrong with that person, that the whole "family" (it sure didn't feel like a true family) was broken in a very serious way, that did include meanness, at times violence, and lying (what is now called "gaslighting.") After they lied again in 1987 over something serious, I knew they were not in Reality, and I chose Truth/Reality, and that summer, decided that I would soon separate myself from them by ceasing contact. That fall, I moved away without a word to another city and began to process the truth. It was a hard journey, a journey alone, but I was very fortunate to separate myself when I did, both in terms of my age (then 26) and their worsening condition. Imagine how much worse and severe things would have been if I hadn't left them for another 30 years? I'm so glad I separated myself; it was an extremely good decision.
This roleplay is amazing. Narcissistics are actually very charming and not always yelling but it is always about them. This is so validating.
Mine yells and rages a lot. But only to me. The public thinks she’s so charming and outgoing. They won’t believe me unless they’ve been a close friend and finds out the truth.
As soon as I set boundries, she refuses to talk to me for months.
Lucky you...
Good for you ❤❤❤❤❤
the silent treatment is a classic last-resort technique of a narcissistic bully, let them use that toxicity on themselves and get on with your life
This is called stonewalling and is one of the most vile of tactics. It is designed to stress you out and make you feel isolated and it often works.
Try not to let it work and view it as a 'holiday' in which to organise your way out of living with her.
Or if you're underage and have no other relatives that will take you in, use the time to get some peace. Learn meditation.
@@Kalleesto what do they pretend when they do that? And how can you respond to that to stop it?
When my college bf broke up with me, I called my Mom crying. Her response: it's probably because you're too high maintenance.
Sounds like my mother. She told me it was my fault and if I had just kept my mouth closed (not speak my truth) things would be better.💔
IVE been married for 31 years and my mother keeps telling my husband "I'm sorry that you put up with her all these years". Fyi this was just for no reason. I only see my family every couple years since we live a couple thousand miles away. And I'm still the one they all come to when they need something.
Smh I’m so sorry. That’s gross
So sorry.... Don't call her for support!
@@sabias3932 unfortunately she is in ill health. But, she still gets in emotional abuse. There are 4 of us. She needs assistance. She has made it next to impossible to want to take her in. We are hoping to find somewhere for her to be safe. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. She has fallen a couple of times. Last year she broke an arm. This weekend a rib. And she is in a state that is overrun with covid right now. Just getting her medical help is tough. Hospitals are near capacity.
2 things i have never heard from my mom in my entire life: im sorry and i love you
Me neither. It’s sucks doesn’t it!
Yeah right... it's more she asks: "Do you love me ?"
@Lexi 93 Yeah this is how my mom does it too. The sorries are never sincere, always conditional, and she'll immediately shift blame-- "I'm sorry your childhood wasn't perfect, but I was a single mom and I was the parent who stayed!" when we tried to talk to her about the horrific physical, verbal, and emotional abuse we suffered as well as educational, medical, and general neglect. We stopped talking to her in 2015, haven't regretted our choice once
WakeTheWoke, I am not your mom, but I believe we can all nurture each other into healing. I am sorry and I love you. ❤
Please allow yourself to feel my empathy and complete love for you. 😘
LMAOOOO I’m sorry this made me cry laughing because oh my god I thought it was just me my mother has never and will never… I cannot stand the witch
The fact that you portrayed the narcissistic mother as someone more calm and passive-aggressive is actually very validating. She sounds nice and gentle and not at all what you'd typically expect from a narc mom. It's a lot more similar to my experience with my own mom. Thank you.
I noticed how much more confident the son became, once he had his mother’s support. He sort of lit up. These are the people that have the confidence to go for the promotions at work. They confront their friends when they feel mistreated, they go for what they want, and are bold to refuse what they don’t. When they get it wrong, it doesn’t tarnish their self-image because they have a source of love and support. They feel safe, and no longer view all situations as a battle ground. It makes so much sense.
You summed it up so perfectly
Nicely said , but honestly not only those people go for it, to level up their life. I had none of that support and thinking of my family makes me feel guilty for even breathing but i make it a personal bet to push myself. I feel all kinds of anxiety, nausea, guilt when i ask for something that i actually deserve but man o man do i feel proud and geatefuk when i accomplish it.
@@annapuczyowska8772Same here! I learned how to stand up for myself and fight for what I want and deserve, in spite of my narcissistic parents ; )
I do therapy sometimes and it also helps a lot. But I know a lot of people who have very supportive, loving and caring families who are egotistical and cowards, so it's not like a rule.
If I'm in an empowered state, my birth mom goes silent because she knows she can't manipulate me. She just sits and listens with no commentary at all. Even when I cry, she just stares.
I understand. My mom is happiest when I am very quiet and in a painful state. It’s heartbreaking and awful beyond words.
She’s not well (mentally), Love. And she may be VERY jealous/ envious of you.
My mum is the same. People have been saying to me (for decades), "Your mum must be so proud to be your mum...always saying to others, “I have an amazing, loving, very talented, beautiful and wonderful daughter." Others who have discernment have said, “She wants to be you."
Stay strong 💪🏽, beautiful!
It’s kind of hard to wrap one’s head around jealous, unsupportive mothers/parents. (I’ll claim 📃 ✍️ you as my niece or Daughter-in-Love...since I don’t have a niece or a daughter of my own). 💐These are for you. I got your back!
Sending lots of Love ♥️to you (and a virtual hug 🤗), from San Francisco. 😘
@@lemostjoyousrenegade I finally came to the conclusion that her jealousy was at the root of the behavior. Took me almost 50 yrs and tons of slave labor for her bizs
Yeah, the stare while I`m crying. Blank stare. I remember her doing that when I was 7, and recently too saw it AGAIN. What`s up with that? No hug, no comforting words, nada...
@@cedrique9175 she’s unsure how to deal with you because she lacks empathy or the ability to nurture or relate in a healthy way. You are worthy of being held, heard and supported. I’m sorry she’s been unable. I hope you’ve found others in your life who are. 🙏🏼💜
When I tell my mother that she's invalidating me and I need her to listen to her daughter, she tells me I'm emotionally abusing her by saying those things to her. It's a never ending circus dance trying to have a conversation about anything at all.
So gd true man
.
She’s gaslighting you. Don’t let her do that. You don’t deserve that
Sooo reealll
The victim complex is something else
Some mothers receive no boundaries and every discussion like thus gets us upset and guilty that we even tried to say a word to them while they are our "mothers", how dare we?
Same. Every time I try to set boundaries with her or ask for her to just listen to me and/or respect my decisions and boundaries I end up somehow feeling guilty for it. She won't own up to her part in any problem unless she has no way to deny it and then she throws her hands up as the martyr and says, " Fine, it's all my fault. Everything is my fault. I'm just a complete failure as a mother and won't try to do anything anymore." It's either/ or. There's no inbetween or compromise. It's all going to be her way or no way. Period. She can criticize me all day And it's mothering but if I bring up anything she does that hurts or upsets me I'm an ungrateful rebellious child. And if I come up with a solution or make a decision for my own problems of any kind it's automatically viewed with suspicions or outright dismissed as wrong.
"You always misinterpreted me!" Is something I hear from my mother everytime I confront her on what she says to me. It's always my fault for failing to understand
“You never listen” I always got, when I pointed out the contradictions and discrepancies. I listened. Very, very well.
next do one where the narcissistic mom secretly delights in hearing her daughter's woes, feigns support, then uses what is confided in her against her daughter at a later date...
My narcissistic mother would use what I’ve told her as conversation starters with people to get sympathy from them. She loves being a victim, so telling people her daughter is in an abusive marriage is excellent for getting sympathy.
No help. No practical advice. Just ‘isn’t that so bad. He shouldn’t do that. I put up with this from your father... bla bla bla dogs this, work that”
😔
@@koobie83 Very sorry to hear that, Kimberly. I hope you get out of that situation safely and very soon.
THIS!☝️
Yes! This please.
Oh My God!!
I'm 56 and it still hasn't ended.
There are mom's like the second example for real? I can't even imagine that kind of support.
Me toooo
Yeah my mom
I’m a mom like the 2nd example mom. But my mother? Yeah, not so much.
My Mom is definitely the healthy Mom. I'm always thankful for her.
Im glad people have mothers like the 2nd one . Im one of the many who dont 🤷🏽♀️
I cried so hard listening to the conversation with the "healthy mom"... I can't imagine having a mother like that.
I feel ya, as approaching 40 I realised that I have fantasies about some imagined parents that were just cool and supportive and erased my parents faces
Thank you for portraying it like this and not making the mom completely nasty and mean/evil. I always doubted myself thinking "could she be a narcissist?" because most portrayals are very extreme. My mom isn't hateful, but she's always the victim. I could relate to that first conversation SO well.
Sarah, my mom is the same. She's got the victim/martyr thing down to a T. It is narcissism and the fact that you're questioning yourself tells me she's been at it awhile. They like to have us question our gut and second guess ourselves but nine times out of ten you are spot on.
I can’t trust my mom with anything that’s important to me... she uses it against me in really subtle and manipulative ways which makes me second guess whether or not I’m overreacting. Right now I’ve gone about six months without talking to her and I want to try and reestablish a relationship with her using a more empowered approach. The part where you said “mom you just made everything about you while siding with my abusive girlfriend”. I’ve wanted to say something like this SO many times to her... but hearing it is so terrifying!!!! Is that the empowered way to talk to her then? I’m going to need to gather up some more courage...
If I gave my mother that feedback, she would accuse me of being judgemental.We just email about recipies, weather and pets - all very sanitized and safe; not very frequent..
Listen, I cut out my narc paedo mum 2 years ago. Don't invite her back in your life. This whole obsession over confronting her will never workout. She will not allow you to ever get the better of her. She is a psycho. Move on. Be happy. Ruin her by cutting off her narc supply. Then you'll have room to breathe and quit thinking about her ever again. It's truly healing when you can remove her from your mind.
I'd be careful about that. I don't know how many times I've been with people (it doesn't stop at just my mother) in which I end up feeling triggered to some extent due to my core issues being reactivated of feeling unseen and unheard etc. I keep expecting myself to breeze through it. The problem is that no matter how "together" I may feel in my life beforehand, one of these events can temporarily knock it down like a house of cards. But you can measure progress if your triggering event gets less intense and doesn't last as long.
There is also the advice to do 'grey rock' in which you don't emotionally react to anything while in their presence. This is good advice but you have to be careful not to sound too bored or robot-like because then they will pick up on it and start needling you.
Other advice I've read is to: have some kind of purpose for the visit and try to keep the time limited. Also to have a good legit excuse to leave so that you don't have to stay in their company too long.
Oh boy do I understand that Shelby Lynn you can't trust your mom with anything, If I told my mom anything she would tell the whole family, right in front of me if not as a joke to embarrass me to tears. OH my mom loved to humiliate me. Then act like whats wrong? I was only joking she would then say oh you're so sensitive.
@@reneeberry2829 Yeah I got the same, mine would find letters of personal stuff I wrote then start quoting stuff and using It against me, spreading it over my desk, wouldn't leave me alone about it.
my mother used to tell me it's all in my head and that I am over reacting. never used to validate any of my feelings
Yep! Heard that a lot growing up along with, "You're too sensitive."
@@GLesbihonest you took the words right out of my mouth.
Red flag.over sensitive are also a sentence the NPD used to make healthy people doubt their sanity
@@GLesbihonest I think I am the only one got that barb on my ears.SPOT ON
@@GLesbihonest me, too.
"I hate to say this - but I told you so" was what my mom said when my husband walked out on me. I also sense that she is a tiny bit happy when I go through a crisis. It may be a feeling and I may be wrong.... But listening to the supportive mom in this clip actually brought tears to my eyes. How I wish I could get this kind of support, that would be wonderful.
Yes it really does hurt! I have both parents to deal with my mom is cold and distant and my dad is completely self-absorbed! I feel and have always felt abandoned by them!
My mother seemed to enjoy it when I was struggling. I had to hide it. I had to strictly control any contact with her.
When I was I high school the therapist I was seeing in school asked me if I thought maybe my mom was happy when something bad happened to me, it's called shandy freud, not sure on spelling. That was over 15 years ago and he knew what was happening, I didn't find out until a few years ago.
@@prittyugly86 interesting, dont know what that term is. But what narcissists thrive on is emotional action, so if there is something going on emotional in someone elses life, like pain they get excited. Also a mother who finds meaning in "helping" their children and has no capability of thinking about herself and her own problems can be a bit glad to be "needed". So for example if you only call her when you are going through tough times it means she is "useful" but then she never hears from you when all is good well it makes her fell left out and almost wishing for some feedback, that she is still a "good mom". This is of course sick but it does not necessarily mean they are like evil more that their life is rather messed up. Remember your mum is also the fruit of her upbringing so she may be messed up and unable to be a proper mother to you because of her conditioning from childhood. What I have learned to do is to expect nothing. Just take her for what she is and try to enjoy it if possible. She wont support me, that is not who she is, she is not able to. If she does support me verbally I try not to get overexcited and imagine she has changed.
@@prittyugly86 From Google:
What is an example of schadenfreude?
Schadenfreude is defined as feeling happy when something goes wrong for someone. An example of schadenfreude is smiling when you find out that your ex-boyfriend's house burnt down. Pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others. Malicious enjoyment derived from observing someone else's misfortune.
I find it so hard to believe the 2nd mom exists 😢 That's was so wholesome
That second mom exists it’s me that did years of therapy not to be my mom
Many days I feel the same way
It also doesn't help that in our culture parents are seen as these flawless people, that they can't be wrong which makes the children think that this kind of treatment is not wrong. Let's be strong fellas! We can try our best to not do the same thing to our children!
This is right ! They think just because they're older they ALWAYS know better but they don't and it's so patronising and belittling because they never trust your judgement or your reasons but consider the other person's feelings instead !!
Everyone in my family puts on a front that they are flawless but I know all their bs, fact is we are all screwed up
Spot on. Years ago when I first got married in my twenties it only lasted 2 years. I remember calling my mother devastated and crying and I told her that I thought my marriage was ending and the first words out of her mouth were, " Patty what did you do?" Whenever there was conflict in my life I was blamed. I am happily remarried to a wonderful guy. I started setting boundaries with my mother and she is no longer in my life, and that was four years ago. Here were the boundaries that I set: 1. I said this relationship can't be entirely on her terms. 2. Not everything is my fault.3. There has to be some apologies. 4. And that there had to be some boundaries. I never heard from her again.
Good example showing the nobel value you wanted to place on your relationship wth mom, and how little mom cared to save your relationship with her. We are highly disposable.
I’m sorry for your loss, that must be so hard.
So proud of you! I’m 22 and discovering my mother is the same, thank you for writing down your boundaries! You’re not alone ❤️
I am trying to do anything I can to get myself into a situation where I can do the same.
Due to health issues, no car because she sold it to pay for her vacation, and no light at the end of the tunnel, it’s starting to get really hard to make through the day without considering an extended prison sentence as a sound and viable option
Can relate , no matter how much evidence I had that my husband was abusive she always thought the world or him and that I must be the problem . She even took me home so she could 'teach me about being a good wife'. So glad he left anyway
This narcissistic mother is so sweet! Where's the yelling, blaming, incredulous silences and outrageous, wildly inappropriate questions?
TH-cam is supposed to be family friendly.
And don't forget the slamming down of the phone as soon as you say something they don't like!
That's part of the problem. Not every narcissist is obviously horrible. My parents are so lovely and kind except to me & my sister. My nephew is their shining star (even though they mistreat him also and he can't respect them).
Borderline
This is not sweet. This is destructive.
Listening to the supportive mom segment made me tear up. That's all I've ever wanted... :(
❤❤❤
My narc mom on the phone. “Do ya talk wanna talk to yer dad?”
Had my last phone conversation with both 4 years ago. They are 84/85.
I was raised on silent treatment.
My silent treatment now. They taught me so well.
Cool Beans, then you get the folks. Wondering about the horrible children, that don’t look after their ailing parents. (Without any context).
@@billpetersen298 that sounds like something a narcissistic parent would say.
@@WeRNthisToGetHer Ungrateful little ........
Actually, what i meant. Was healthy relationship people, looking in at. Old people left on their own, in their senior years. Wondering, about the a-hole children. When it's really the old person, getting a fair deal.
Haven’t spoke to my mom in 20 years. We email but it’s always about her. In fact if nothing is going on in HER life she doesn’t write for years... I guess I was raised on the silent treatment too. Now that she’s almost 90 (and my sister just passed) she only has my bro to rely on as we moved away years ago. I tried to speak to her last year in regards to nasty letters my SIL sent. She pretended it didn’t happen. I concluded she’s either a narcissist or a narcissist who knew about the letters. Either way...🥶 someone else wrote: “Well there you go again, trying to buy donuts in the hardware store!” Perfect analogy.
Good for you Kool Beans! Yes the classic Narc silent treatment. I'm glad you are out of it.
When my boyfriend physically abused me and my parents found out, my mom said she didn’t believe me and said I was exaggerating even though I had a broken rib and fractured face, even when I went to Emergency Room. That was devastating.
Aye! I hope your life is better now.
Yes thank you for the kind words.
That should not be happening, ever. God bless you now and always 😌
Normal parents know, that the own children are not always right, but this would be a case, I would get physical against the abuser, I think.
That's really heartbreaking to hear, you deserve to be loved and protected. Glad to hear you are doing better now ❤️
i never realized my mom has narcissistic tendencies until i found ur channel… our relationship is so strained… i love my mom but i feel on edge and irritated all the time when im around her. Ive become more empowered over the past few years and she interprets as me being selfish, grumpy, giving her attitude, ungrateful, always going against her, embarrassing her on social media etc.
Omg I feel u I feel the same
Same, except the social media part. Being educated & enlightened here, is so powerful for our own comprehension of others' behaviors. It truly helps us develope and in turn, foster healthy standards for our own life.
Keep giving the attitude. Scripture teaches parents to not provoke children to wrath. They get what they deserve.
Same!!
Two weeks ago I was “the empowered child” and when my mom had to let out her anger again (on me obv) I just responded “go complain to the dog” and she later on called lots of people telling them that I ruin her and that she probably has heart problems because of me because I constantly make her angry and therefore her heart beats too fast.... bye
Same. My mom makes scenes and throws tantrums and when I call her out she claims I ruin the family and I cause all her heart issues. Don't fall for the b.s.
That's what mine does too! I had so many episodes in my life where I had little control of the situation. She results to calling me an idiot and hates that I have problems making her life so much more difficult.
Sounds like a typical Asian mum 😂😂😂
Ah yes, the smear campaign afterwards.
Just go no contact. Seriously. After years of dealing with my paranoid narc mother and enabler father I've walked away for my own well being. There's no fixing these people. Serioulsy. There's no fixing these people.
So true! They don't even need an explanation.
Not a choice when ur 15
Paul I agree. Better to just walk away...I had to do this 26 years ago and dont regret it for 1 minute.
Same here, I have no relationship with my narcissistic dad, I even forget I have one.. as soon as I left that was it.. very interesting to see this... So important that I listen to my kids and put them first
@@Ty-cr7pf so sorry, l left at 17, l was lucky though l had my boyfriend who is now my husband, he helped get me out, l had to put myself through college at night and we lived in a mobile home until we could get a mortgage, but l remember feeling helpless and wanting to get out of the abuse. Stay strong ❤️
I am confused! My narcistic mom would react like the ‘healthy mother’ dialogue, because she would be so HAPPY that I will be single again so I can spend more time with her. She sees other people as a threat because she wants ALL the attention and can’t stand it that my sister and I have a own life.
Same its so confusing
NM don't like sharing their children with others as they loose control
Lesley Williams and misery loves company. She rather wants me to feel miserable too
Are you the golden child?
Same
What really bothers me is when I’ve told her a problem I’m going through and she has to minimize it by talking about someone else going through something similar or a character in a book! She usually goes to a story about something in her past and completely minimizes my situation. I never feel listened to. She told me a few years ago that I don’t call her very often and I finally asked her if she truly wanted to know why. She said yes so I kindly but firmly told her why. She was a little better for about a month and went completely back to the way she was. If people have no self awareness they won’t change.
As a parent, I have to ask this question: is it possible she is trying to show you that you are not alone, that others go through similar things? As parents, we can be very misguided, but still mean well. Is it possible she doesn't realize the comparative stories make you feel less valued?
@@tlf3757 it’s possible. I don’t think she does it to be mean but it bugs me. I am a mom to 3 adult children, so I get what it’s like to be an imperfect mom. I recently told her it makes me feel minimized when she does it but she probably won’t change. I’ll still be kind and treat her with respect because she’s 89.
@@tlf3757 Yes, I do this in situations I can relate to, to show 'I feel you', I say something like 'Oh, yes I know, I had that this time or that time. I learned to do this, or that. Let me hug you.' It is a way to create a relationship. I'm happy, too, when someone understands me. Soulmates. 😀
I know what you mean. I collapsed and needed emergency surgery and when I woke up from the anaesthetic my mother told me I was an inconvenience, that she helped my husband with the kids which was “taking advantage” and I don’t know what it’s like to be really sick cos she was diagnosed with “gastritis” and that’s much worse than having your ovary twist and perforate. Oh, and I did it all for attention.
@@marynorton6068 very sad for you. 😢❤️🙏
Did not officially recognize my mother as being narcissistic until watching this and remembering having this exact conversation with her that caused me to stay with an emotionally abusive boyfriend.
Wow, some of these lines are exactly what my mom says! She literally said tonight the "you've always been sensitive, and so I've just never known how to talk to you or approach you without you getting upset". And the "there you go again, misunderstanding me". She has said this to me so many times. It's like I am not misunderstanding you!! You are not listening to me!!
Ohmygod SAME.
Same
Yes heard this too...you are too sensitive, you are bit fat, liked u hair colour before, you are only using me, etc etc
Yep I relate to all of those with my Narc mom.
Same! Narcs have an unwritten playbook.
Love how healthy Mom affirms her son’s Safety, comes up with a plan. And affirms her love
"You're too sensitive.."
Heard that one last night.😔
I hear that often too. Next time I'll say that she's the sensitive one for not being able to take things seriously. I'm pretty sure she will start yelling, but then that proves it to her ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't care if she will not talk to me ever again after that.
My whole life Nichole K, this . Now I know I'm not only just a normal person but I am actually a "sensitive", and it's actually a really helpful thing. There's a free documentary on Amazon called SensItive... not sure if it's your cup o tea 🍵, but I found it pretty encouraging.
I told my mother of an assault that happened 20 years ago, that literally destroyed me and changed me for life. Initially it was "supportive" but then slowly became a "weapon" for her to use against me. That's when I knew who she really was all these years, and realized why I stopped giving her Mothers Day cards and hugging her at a young age. My gut knew even as a small boy somethings not right!
The most destructive part of it all, (before I knew she was a Narcissist) was when I told her "don't take this personally, but I wish I never told you"
What was my Mothers response? "Yeah, you never should have told me!" .................I haven't talked or scene her since and it's been almost 2 years.
The dream of a nurturing mom died really hard hard death and apparently has resurective capacity. Have to stay on top of it.
Good job being the NM. Maybe be told me she sure hoped that I didn’t cross wires in this marriage since his family is powerful and church powers and they will really hurt you and me and dad . Five years later What mom meant was she was sure I could be gaslight and manipulated to think “my fault” after he broke my hand and gain favor w his parents. She told me haha I was lazy and just wanted to come home for a way out of work she didn’t believe he slaps me around and is screwing a friend. Mom and dad showed up in court for him his parents and pretended they were not at fault for my “bad behavior “ long suffering me. Evil evil people anyway. Thanks for the video
Exactly what I'm realizing now is that same thing. Its hard to stay mindful of the fact that they're narcissistic when they are so good at hiding their true colors until they get your guard down.
I wanted one all my life she was a heroin addict took heroin while pregnant with me and neglected and abused me I was then raised by my grandparents and to this day she still twists everything to make me the one in the wrong
Agreed
Mostly hurt 😂
I’m in the third scenario!! That’s why I never tell my mom about my relationships because she always disagrees with everything I do
That’s what I experienced too
Your smart! I on the other hand would tell her everything only to realize that she was never suppotive but would put me down. Ufff....not good! She screwed up my life!
Well, are you giving your mother anything to go on? Are you learning from your mistakes? Or do you continue the same behavior time and time again.
The sad part is that my mom said to everybody that I don't have any experience just because I decided to not share my life with her... Is just not healthy
Sounds like my mom, when I want to do something she gives me 100 reasons why I could fail.
This video is incredible. I'm 49, no contact with my narc mother and have been in therapy for 20+ years to undo her damage. I am amazed at content like this being so freely available to kids these days because when I was young, there was literally NOTHING. No support, no advice, nadda. If was was a teen or in my 20's and had access to this type of advice my life might have been completely different and I might have realised how f**ked she is much earlier in life.
I don’t even have conversations with my mom if I told her anything she’ll use it against me. No matter what happened to me she will use it against me. Once I got fainted a few times because I was so sick and she took me to the hospital and after that she keeps repeating how she took care of me and she wishes that happens to me again yet she always repeats literally ” I’m the best mother”. when she got mad about anything she’ll remind me about the tough time I got through to put me down and try to makes me feel awful about my self. At this point I don’t have any feeling left for her. Not even hate or anger I feel just empty
When I was 17, my gallbladder started acting up. After 3 months of putting off a diagnosis (her idea) and another 3 waiting for a distant surgery date, I went to the emergency room. I was taken to the nearest large hospital and I spent a week completely miserable. I wasn't miserable because I was in pain, I was miserable because Mom forced me to be.
She didn't want me smiling or acting happy at all for fear the doctors will think I'm faking my condition, even though they had already given me pain medication and verified the diagnosis with a number of tests. I spent a week bored, pissed, exhausted, and stuck in a room with my Dad and that rotten bitch that gave birth to me.
That's it. Not angry or sad,just...empty.
Same here
I’m here for Healthy Mom! It almost brought me to tears. I wish I could hear a parent say this to me. I’ll just be the healthy mom for my daughter, I swear!
@Danyelle Mullins I believe you will be the healthy mom. You're here and learning and that's a really positive sign. Cheers!
Ah wow...Im in my 40’s and have loads of memories of my parents telling me I was so sensitive (said as a put down) for years!!!! But how cool is it when you can turn this around. My sensitvity is what helps me in my work!!! Good vid thanks!!
Jillian Bennett Thank YASHUA!
It’s narcissist code for you have needs and it’s going to make them acknowledge them and they don’t want to. They hope by calling you sensitive you will go away with your needs.
It's called gas lighting.
Only a sensitive person can be called healthy people.insensitive zombie are rude.indiffrent . inefficient in doing work and to top it all off STUPID.they got short life span too.may GOD bless them so that they heal sooner before it's too late
What do you work as. I’ve always been told I am sensitive too
Omg if i had a dollar for every time I heard "no one knows you better than I do" throughout my childhood, I would probably make up the $15,000 my narcissistic mother stole from my college fund!
Wow, that was just like my mother, except since it was about a breakup, she would secretly be excited about the prospect of me being unattached so she could get more control over me.
Your role plays made me cry...It's all those things I wanted to hear when I was in that situation, instead I saw lack of interest and blame for me. Thank you!
Here ,have some warm hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
@@meiko431 Thank you! 🧡❤💜
Same i almost teared up
“Well I don’t know what to tell you” that made the hair on my back go up.
I was pissed the whole time too. I was hoping I would find a comment expressing anger.
Seriously. The timing, the intonation, the emotional display of frustration and disappointment combined with lack of empathy and invalidation/rejection of her son’s feelings ... I almost felt like I was hearing a recording of past conversations with my own maternal unit.
Thank you so much for this video. My mother is a narcissist. She has blamed everything on me for years. A few years ago, she decided that I have too many problems to even talk to anymore. (Wonder why, lady?!) It is awful to know that your mother hates you.
It’s actually been very freeing, to not have to deal with her, even though she intends it as a punishment. Sadly, the rest of the family and family friends all believe her version of history because “She’s a prominent teacher!”
I really find more support just reading the comments on this video than I have ever gotten from my mother. Thank you for that.
I might not have the healthy Mom but the healthy Mom sounds like me when friends come to me to talk about their relationships. It helps validate that I'm not completely broken after a lifetime of abuse.
"I'm supposed to anticipate everything she needs and wants without communicating anything to me." This is actually what most resembles my mom in these scenarios 👀
Same! And the silent treatment 🙄 but weeks... Does that still count towards the narcissism?? 😅🤣
@@XxTinkerbellz
Does that still count? Of course, it's a controlling, manipulative, punitive tactic.
Sounds like the ‘girlfriend’ is also a narcissist!
No wonder the first mom likes her!
Funny how that works! If we don’t teach our kids to have boundaries and stand up for themselves this is who they end up with
Thats what i thought too
@urban kranjec Yes they really want to keep us in the same state of mind and status quo God forbid if we will grow, spread our wings and fly away.
Yea And A lot of kids end up in relationships with narcs that had narc parents
Wow it’s like you were literally channeling the spirit of my narcissistic parent. Spooky! That’s exactly how they sound. The chronic dismissiveness is completely demoralizing. The stories they tell themselves about what’s important are so offbase. 4 years no contact and it’s still not enough to escape the memory of how I was treated my entire life.
Needed to call my mam quickly to tell her, I love her so much coz she always supports and listens to me. Great video, thank you 💙
Omg! I felt so anxious when the empowered child was talking to the narcissistic mother. When speaking to my overt narcissistic mother I get so anxious, because she’s always in opposition to me. And talking to her is so emotionally draining. I’m so glad I cut her off!
I found when I had a problem, and tried discussing said problem with my narc mother, I was left feeling worse than I did before I called her. The very last time she did that I vowed never to speak to her again, and haven’t spoken to her since. I was feeling so rotten before I called her, and couldn’t believe after I’d come off the phone to her I felt a million times worse and like I was at fault in some way. No contact is the way to go with narcissistic parents. My fathers an overt narcissist, I’ve also gone no contact with him.
this is how I feel - is it normal to feel massive anxiety - such as feeling like you can't pronounce words properly, feel a tightening around the chest for days, don't want to talk to anybody anymore, just want to curl up and ever wake up which progresses from the last moment you finished speaking to your mom?
@@MuhammadAliGOAT I’m so sorry you feel this way. Yes, it is normal to feel anxiety when dealing with a narcissistic mother. It sounds like you may need to speak to a therapist to discuss your feelings and gain some insight and clarity in regard to your relationship with your mother. It also sounds like there maybe some childhood trauma there, that hasn’t been addressed. Your feelings of anxiety sound very overwhelming. If your mother is making you feel this way, you need to go no contact with her. You need to distance yourself from your mother, and set healthy boundaries for yourself.
You may also want to try breathing exercises, meditation and even yoga. There are many guided breathing and meditation videos on TH-cam to help you with your anxiety.
Again, if your mother is causing you major anxiety attacks you need to distance yourself from her. Once you do, you will stop feeling this way. You’ll be amazed at all the wonderful things you can achieve, and the amazing opportunities that come your way when you cut narcissists out of your life. Narcissists are like bad luck. And when they go, suddenly your luck changes and positive things start happening. Well, it happened for me anyway.
I hope my advice is beneficial and helpful to you. I truly wish you all the best. I know how debilitating it can be living with anxiety 🙏❤️.
@@BriBri82 thank you for your comment, i read it all. I moved to china, so I think thats enough distance right? ever since I moved out it got better and I became my super self again.. but whats weird is, even when I accidentally speak over the phone for first time in a year - all of a sudden it happens all over again - yes their is defintley trauma and because I was defensive my whole life, now I know the same outcome will happen but i don't want war anymore and mix that in with the type of person who does not like bullies because of being bullied in my childhood - I kind of made a self pledge to myself after leaving school to not let anybody ever again walk over me in any sort of way and now I have to bully the bullies.. now I am super confident, respected by everybody in my life and even feared by those who try cross me now.. but when its my mother, I don't want to defend, explain myself.. and once she puts me in the defensive position of where I have to explain and defend myself, she will become more ruthless and belittling, so then it eventually progresses which every time now I try to deflate or call it a draw just to keep my own well-being relaxed and the same.. but I usually end up having to attack her with sly digs back and then she just says "i've got to go now, you have to make it quick, I have to get the shopping in" all this in the space of 10-15 minutes.. lets be nice and say 30 mins or even 1 hour at tops (mentioning the time and even exaggerating the time because she always makes a big deal out of how disgusting it is speaking to her son for such a long long time and says no way, it was more like 1 hour not 15 or 20 mins YOU spoke to me!) - this is the first time she has spoken to her son in ever, who lives in china, never spoken to me or seen me in over 1 YEAR.. and to increase the anxiety even more, she does not give the courtesy to hold the phone to her ear, she will put me on loud speaker and listen to me "ramble on" as she puts it WHILST SHE IS DOING THE DISHES, EMPTYING THE BIN, WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE OR SMOKING.. talking about not being valued! I always wanted love from her, and she has never give me it. I try go no contact, but its my mother, I just want that mother and son relationship.. I am 30 now and I still trust her - which is clearly a mental dysfunction on my behalf because everything I have ever told her about me or my life, she stores it away and then uses it back on me and sides with everybody who is doing me wrong. Just completely lonely.
So insightful! Young people, please listen to his advice. Get help as soon as possible. You could end up spending decades in one abusive relationship after another if you don't!
This is so true, speaking from experience. Been in so many abusive relationships... But only after I recognized that my mom was a narcissist, i realised that my perception normal was screwed coz i knew nothing else. 2 year later after recognizing the abuse, i got married to a very wonderful man... And i am truly blessed, he accepted me with all my short comings and he has given me a safe space to heal, still in the process. But i worry for him coz i do feel like an emotional wreck and a burden on him.
So true! I've really only had one healthy relationship when I was around 19 and the rest have been terrible. My current bf is good though but only because we both realized what we need to work on and are going to therapy (he has narcissistic parents as well it seems)
That’s my mom she never had my back but I was expected to have hers. She never taught me anything about anything she expected me to somehow magically know things that needed to be taught and then treated me like there was something wrong with me for not knowing. When I was in an abusive marriage she always supported him and blamed me and said I needed him because I wasn’t capable of making it on my own. I have lived alone for many years while she jumps from one man to the next. The girlfriend you described sounds like the first man I shared a home with. He constantly went out to the bars and told me I was too sensitive about the mean things he said to me. He cheated on me with someone from the bar too. I think my mother being a narcissist scarred me into accepting attention from other narcissists because this became a pattern for me until I just gave up on men. I figured if that’s what I’m doomed to receive I would rather be alone.