Let me give you some hope y'all! Don't worry about the other person anymore. Trust me you will regret hoping wishing and begging your partner. Move on and live your life! You will survive and life will be great! Who cares if they are in love or limerance. Your to important to sit and wait around for someone!
It doesn't matter if it works out or not because the devaluation & discard was so traumatic it made me physically sick. A year later I've gained back some of the weight I lost and am looking forward to the coming of spring alone... after 30 years together. I'm gonna be OK.♥️ You're right about the memories, he doesn't remember anything good.
@Self-compassion Channel - Fenna van den Berg He had an affair with a co worker... when I was only 2 month pregnant .... I was alone for 9 months during my pregnancy... I recently offered him to move back in again & work on our marriage or divorce... & he is choosing divorce... he says he can't get over his resentment & anger he has towards me... i'm so sad... he wants to ask for more time but I told him I can't wait anymore if he won't even move back in and try... I'm filing to take some control of my life back & plan a life for my 2 young children. I don't know what to do other than file for an offical seperation... Is there anything I can do?
@@eremiasranwolf3513 Hello Friend. I'm still alive. She's living with her rich boyfriend 1500 miles way and she's trying to take my home from me in the divorce. I've been studying up on narcissists and she fits the mold 100%. A couple more months of this misery and the marriage will be over. Then life can begin again for me. At that point, she will be at the 1 year mark for her affair. I wonder how it will be going then
Looking back, when my wife was in a limerent affair with a coworker she was absolutely miserable, I'm a great guy & it turns out about 1000 times better looking than her affair partner. I don't know what the heck she was thinking, but when I found out I moved out for about 3 years & the Simp that she was limerent with dumped her soon after her & the kids were his full time. Responsibility is the last thing a Simp wants.
Sounds like you were the simp accepting her back after she been with another. And why did you have to move out of your own house? Grow some balls and kick her out instead.. how can you be a great guy when you don’t even have a backbone dude. You know what a simp is? Look in the mirror
What cause your wife to want to be in an affair with a coworker?. Was there passion in your marriage or was it all responsibility protect and provide? Being attracted to somebody is not simply based on what they look like. At the same time, if husbands don't know what makes their woman happy emotionally, what arouses her. What makes her want to be in limerence with them then they're going to lose out too.
@@nancydrew5 Looking back in my opinion she was suffering from postpartum depression and made many very bad decisions for 5 years after giving birth. Short of a mental institution there was nothing I could do to stop her.
It felt like you were talking about my husband and his new woman. Everything you spoke of in the beginning is EXACTLY him! He said they connected, they are so inlove, while I was still living in the house he couldn't wait to be with her. I felt like I was in the way. I moved out 3 weeks ago and I could feel the annimosity toward me from him, like I was the one that did something wrong... but you just explained it all here. I am so glad I stumbled accross your video, cos I wasn't finding anything online that was making sense of what the hell is going on. She is married with 2 kids, so she sacrificed alot more than him, so he will be the one to leave first, and I get this, because I KNOW him! He'll catch the wake up and by then it will be too late, I will never take him back. You can't go back to what broke you. My pain is still very raw because I LOVED him, I still do, but I have to get over my love for him. Karma is a bitch and she's coming for him. Thank you so much for sharing this.
My wife just cheated while leaving me at home with our two small kids. Shes obsessed with the guy and I've fought it so much. Thank you for this video. I needed to hear this.
@@eremiasranwolf3513 she moved out with the guy and split up our family. We have 50/50 custody but she’s had massive regrets and is desperately trying to get back together but I’ve met someone else.
Yes, he devalued me by saying "I love you... but I am not IN love with you". I said nothing. It felt like a strangely out of the blue comment. I just looked at him with a "puzzled" look. (Grote Lul !)
Maybe it is how they feel. Maybe their feelings have changed. That happens. People' feelings have been known to change; they fall out of love and attractions fade. It's painful for the other person if they're still in love though.
'Just a friend ' ...in limerence, your warm and affectionate wife is happy for herself and cares not for your feelings. Guys, when you see emotional intimacy growing, confront and fight for her as the next step is physical intimacy. It’s hell on Earth, but don't let that guy have her!
Yup take her take him, whatever the case maybe ... you'll see and feel the other person every time you look at them and everytime theu Tru to kiss or screw you, because in your soul they made love to the other person's mind and or body.. truly devastating 😢 💔
Yes. Exactly. She thought I'd be fine with her and her guy although she initiated our divorce with anger. She rushed a divorce with me to get married to him. Very true, they think of every bad thing you've done and nothing is good in their eyes even if you have been the most loving supportive person in the past. They just can't see it. The more you try to get them back the harder they push against you because you are getting in the way. And will fight every step to justify themselves. It's painful to hear "I don't love you". So it works out that me, this happy go lucky limerant is seeing his ex wife in limerance whilst being limerant about the loss. I'm waiting with eager anticipation to hear that great big crash....and it will come. I'm now getting on with life yet still keeping a door open just in case.
Your story mirrors mine. My disadvantage was i didn't know what limerence was during the time my wife was cheating on me. Had i known i would of been on better footing while dealing with this shock and trauma of the situation. I was very close to giving up and filing for divorce. The stages of limerence played out and i was the one left in a position of power. She wanted to come home and i allowed it with conditions and my conditions were met. Sorry you went through the same pain as me.
@@christianchristensen9661 learn as much as you can about Limerence. If you don't have a plan or strategy, it will help you in your decision making. Hope it works out for you and i know your pain.
I appreciate this so much. Also, something you said there was that feeling sorry for someone is the opposite of attraction and YES - that’s why I forced myself to not beg or cry or tell him how hopeless he left me. Now - 2 years later - he asked for all of his belongings back because him and his new partner are having troubles and he wants to sell his things. Unfortunately I burnt and destroyed everything after holding onto it for a whole year for him, while they flaunted their amazing life on social media. I did not respond to his texts. He left me and cut me off completely while being with someone else for a year behind my back. Know your worth - even when you’re in so much pain. Know that there needs to be balance in this world, and they will feel what you felt. You don’t want them back - you want balance, and that will happen mostly without you seeing it. Sending you love and healing. Thank you Fenna for your amazing content. ❤
i feel like it’s important to mention that limerence in my experience has been ocd, so exposure to the rejection is the only way forward and has stopped the limerence in my case. it’s about ripping off the bandaid using ERP (exposure response therapy) and just feeling the hurt once and for all and the limerence that is just emotions that you are avoiding then goes away! i hope this helps someone as i wish someone had told me this earlier! thank you for your videos ❤️
@@followingfenna Yes I struggled so much with tarot readings too! I avoided doing compulsions for 24 hours and then the exposure was rereading old text conversations to expose myself to the reality of the situation, the limerence is now gone
@@followingfenna Fenna I was also wondering if it is not too much of an overstep, if you do zoom calls? I would love to talk to someone about this topic. I really feel you could help provide me some deeper insight, let me know :)
In my case, exposure would make my limerence even worse. I would get rejected by the same person over and over again and it would just make my limerence adapt, change form and become even stronger over time.
Say, “I respect that. I hope you’ll grace me with the same respect for my response.” Then slide divorce papers across the table that you’ve had drawn up already. Or say, “Ok. Best of luck in all your future endeavors. Your loss.” Then put their things out on the lawn and change the locks.
This makes perfect sense now. Nothing else fit so perfectly into the question I had. Do I tell her and save her future or should I let her discover this on her own?
I have been standing for my marriage for 16 months now. My Wife left me for a homeless drug addict. She recently broke up with him for about a week telling her Mom that she doesn't want to be with him anymore. A week later she was hit with a surge to go back to him and she did. I know that this is the beginning of the end for them. She may go back and forth a few nore times but our sons and i are hopeful.
Thank you for this video! It was very insightful. I discovered that my wife was in the early stages of an affair towards the end of last year. I made a lot of bad decisions and played the pick me dance afterwards that only pushed her away. I'm now on anti-depressants and able to cope better with the situation. She said she was willing to rebuild our relationship and marriage, but she did not stop contact with the AP. She said that after discovery they said they took things too far and that they would just be friends supporting each other (the AP is going through a divorce). But that was most likely a lie. We're at a stalemate now living under the same roof as if we're roommates. She says she needs space now. So I am working on myself and taking it day by day. It's not easy right now, but I am trying to have faith. What you said about the state of mind of the wayward spouse only thinking of the negative aspects of the past is so right. As Dr. Gottman calls it, negative sentiment override. My wife is deep in NSO right now.
Making you the enemy they provoked you into being, allows them to justify their behavior and relieve any guilt or shame they have about doing wrong while you do what is right. Just ignore their reality and focus on yours in Christ and Gods truth. Everything else is head games and noice and distraction.
Leave .. grieve , work on yourself and move on . I did . Wife of 20 years went limerent with co worker .. divorce 5 years ago . 50/50 custody . I’ve improved myself beyond description. I’ve been with the perfect woman now for 4 years . God has a plan .. you’ll be ok
Leave .. grieve , work on yourself and move on . I did . Wife of 20 years went limerent with co worker .. divorce 5 years ago . 50/50 custody . I’ve improved myself beyond description. I’ve been with the perfect woman now for 4 years . God has a plan .. you’ll be ok
Leave .. grieve , work on yourself and move on . I did . Wife of 20 years went limerent with co worker .. divorce 5 years ago . 50/50 custody . I’ve improved myself beyond description. I’ve been with the perfect woman now for 4 years . God has a plan .. you’ll be ok
Leave .. grieve , work on yourself and move on . I did . Wife of 20 years went limerent with co worker .. divorce 5 years ago . 50/50 custody . I’ve improved myself beyond description. I’ve been with the perfect woman now for 4 years . God has a plan .. you’ll be ok
this is exaclty what happened with my ex, he got married after 6 months into a new relationship, the same amount of time we oficially cut communication after 5 years of relationship... he got divorced and now he is persuing a new relationship with another girl who is leaving everything to go with him overseas... its ñike Im watching a remake of an old series.
Married for 25 yrs, husband end the marriage having a secret affair with the wife of his bestfriend who passed away. Double betrayal. OW (my friend) didnt grieve the loss instead stole my husband and left me suffer the loss instead. He is now in this limerence period, only focus on her. 27 yrs we are together now he said they are soulmate. They dont live together just sneaking and hiding still in denials in front of others even friends knows already. I let go without discussion or argument, he end with me saying " the longer I stay with you I will die ". Wow ! 27 yrs he didnt die. I just replied "OK", live well. Im preparing the divorce. Block them, no contact. I forgive them in my heart to gain my peace and healing process. I leave it all to the universe.
I'm so so so sorry this happened to you. Know that this is about unhealed trauma and has NOTHING to do with you. I admire your calmness, I would have gone crazy I think. I wish you all the luck in the world !!
Thank you. Its helpful to understand what my spouse does with an earlier friend of mine. They knew each other for over 10 years, but the Limerence Episode between them began last year in may. In Moment my spouse is a other Person. She sacrificed her whole value and beliefsystem to be with the LO. Yes we had no good marriage because of me. But i changed a lot and working on my pies. So i have hope that this crazy Episode is over, she will come back. And in the beginning of their relationship she Said Things to me Like: I cannot let you go. Please fight For me.... But he always pulled her back. I can understand that the emotions are so overwhelming, that she cannot handle this in this phase. So i try to be the safe place and working on me till she found back to herself.🙏❤️
That is very nice of you, and it's true, she is tormented, hopefully the episode will end soon and she can calm down, good luck to you too! And thank you for commenting.
I got - I'm not in love with you... I care for you deeply... 11 years - & i was 3 months pregnant with our second child! his affair is still on going 1 year now. He hardly talks to me... It's like I dont exist to him... I'm looking for a legal seperation... not divorce yet... just working on myself & look after my 2 baby girls.
Fenna your content is so helpful and eye-opening. It brings some releif in the most painful and intense moments. Please tell me, when was the last time you were in a limerent episode or when you spotted that your limerence is about to be activated?
Once that happens they can go and be with that person and there is no coming back for them. I would never be afraid of losing them as once it starts they are already gone as far as I'm concerned. Once they devalue me they are done No coming back "EVER". Stop codling these kind of people cheating, that's all these kind of sites do. trust never comes back once they betray you.
The first part of this video reads like you gave my wife the script she used to break up with me. Almost a word-for-word recreation of all the reasons, excuses and actions she used to justify the divorce.
I would like to know more about how long to expect someone to recover from a LE when the LO does not and has never reciprocated. Once No Contact is established. Is is possible that they will hold onto that "hope" forever?
hi, i wait nothing from my LO, because she has nothing to give, concretely, but what is hard now is plan B ! limerence was like someone could meaby fill the cup of love, meaby it's not a cup but a water well, i wait a big love and it's not simple to meet people who want the same ! if the trauma is attachment, addiction, you looking for someone, the shema could just repeat the same, i have to find the injury to be free and open to meet someone, it's hard, i could fall in love from my coach too ! ;)
My wife divorced me after 28.5 years for emotional reasons. Our marriage has been up and down. She jumped into a relationship with another far away. I don’t if she was in contact with this man when we were still together. Would this be and example of limerence? I love her very much. I did everything I could to reconcile. I still have hope. This has been devastating. I no nothing about this man.
Hi josh I'm so sorry this happened to you, of course I can't guarantee this is limerence with so little information but I do hope you will be happy again .
My wife met a rich married man and both started an affair, he is taking care of my wife and 2 children. They are now staying in a difrent town close to the sea. (approx. 1000 km) My wife and children is 95% depended on him; as my wife has no work, no car, no property. Its now about 3 months; she asked for a divorce by still didnt actualy stated the process. I think she keeps her back door open.
My ex husband left for his affair, left her after a year for another woman and then went back to the mistress after a year w her. He and the first mistress are still together after 6 years. We were married 39 yrs. He did try to “hook up” w me at two years w/o any sign of remorse or sorrow. No way!
What about cases where your partner is this person’s boss and therefore their relationship has to be a secret? It appears that there was build up for a good 6-9 months prior to my partner leaving for the other person but still wasn’t honest about it and finally got caught 3 months after moving out but is still secretly seeing this person and doesn’t think I or anyone else knows. But unfortunately most of his colleagues know and that’s how it was confirmed they are still secretly together. But due to my partner’s position no one wants to confront the situation for fear of backlash
My wife carried on an affair for several years before I discovered it. I'm actually attractive, we have a beautiful little boy, we live a debt free life on a body of water and I am NOT abusive, a drinker, a drug addict or neglectful. She chose a man 10 years older than us that looks 20 years older than us. I asked her why, she said "he cared". I asked her what her plan was, if she was at some point going to tell me and leave. She said "I was waiting for you to die". I'm an insulin dependant diabetic, she was buying me a pint of ben & jerry's ice cream every day. She has lost her friggen mind. I have not handled all this well at all. Many regrettable things were said. I am struggling to not lash out verbally. I have changed the locks to our cute lake home and now she's staying with her mother in a shitty trailer and continuing see the man who cared for her so much he helped destroy her perfect life.
My husband of 14 years went into a limerent relationship. He and I are now divorced. The one he left me for he has cheated on her and has left her to marry the new woman He was cheating with. The woman he left me for was in shock and in a lot of pain.
I really hope this is correct. My ex let me for someone else the very same day she broke up with me. She moved in with him hours away from our town. Now they are engaged. So this was 7 months ago. They are still together. I had seven years. But anyway she went straight into that relationship without looking back. So this Limerance thing isn’t always correct
@@followingfenna it’s sad yes. I was completely shattered. I got into therapy that very next day and go every week to deal with the pain. I have a video here on TH-cam to show you how happy I thought we were. We rarely fought ever and we’re so much in love , so I thought. So thank you for your videos. I’ve seen them all and will continue to follow them
@@mickboyce386 I’m 55 and she by far meant more to me than anything in this entire world. I feel if she wanted to get back together I would try yes. Dangerous I know but I still love this woman. January 10th will be one year ago this happened. So I’m still hurting from this. I’ve been in therapy all year as well and journaling daily but I still love this woman with every breath. I have a video of us on TH-cam. You can see that we were happy for 7 years and this happened
@@todd8780 check out Marriage Helper on youtube. They specialise in this situation. They also know limerence mostly through experience but also a massive amount of research. They also are big beleivers and followers of the Gottman methods.
@@followingfenna yes, for the same person. That would be interesting to know. So the scenario would be: Limerence wore off, rational thinking even kicks back in, but there is still a basic attraction. Can limerence kick in a second time if contact with the affair isn't cut off completely?
Fenna, The LO left the wife last week, I've spoken to her twice, what is the next move? Is there a period before she will call wanting to talk? If our relationship was good does she want to get back?
Sorry, Yes her LO left her. And I have been so far ive listened, tried to be compassionate and gave my sorrow told her I completely understand ive been there i understand the pain. We'll see
Please MORE videos like this for what the spouse should do is needed. 💔💯😊👍 As I've said before- my husband cheated on me with his co-worker last September & i found out end of October. I was 3 months pregnant with our 2nd child. We are seperated (not offically yet) we went to therapy for abit but then he stopped going. Im going to go to a new therapist this week that uses the Gottman therapy (he probably won't go) He has left me with our 2 month old & our 2 year old. He hardly has anything to do with them. He has started talking about divorce... i woukd rather seperate for awhile instead of just jump into divorce. But im so sad as he says he cares for me but is not in love with me. He says its the "family I wanted" 😞 we had planned to have children. Now hes living like a selfish bachelor & sees our children on and off and does not want to come home. Im sure he is still carrying on with the affair as he acts very cold & mean towards me. I tell him i dont want a legal seperation ... i tell him i love him and dont want to divorce as we have been together 11 years... but nothing gets through to him... hes infatuated & i now mean nothing to him... its as if all we had he views as horrible. He says he was misriable for all of the 11 years we were together??? Its been almost 1 year since the affair started... i want to keep fighting but i feel pretty hopeless... All i can do is file for a legal seperation to protect myself & my girls. Oh & he is HIGHLY emotional... I can't say anything without him being mean or frustrated at me.
@self-compassionchannel-fenna I added some more to my comment. Would you recommend a legal seperation if after nearly 1 year there seems to be no getting through to him? I hope he will come to therapy again but he may not. 😞
@@followingfenna what is the likelihood of him coming back to me, his wife of 15yrs after he moved in with her to another town? Do I just divorce him even though I don't want to?
Of course I can't predict anything with no information. If he removes himself from you, you have no choice but to move on. I wish you alllll the best in the world!
Ik heb wel een vraag , hoe ga je om met je partner die niet verteld dat hij bij zijn affaire partner wil zijn . Dus en hij liegt en hij voelt zich slachtoffer terwijl ik met de pijn zit. Wat kun je doen?
Heel goed voor jezelf proberen te zorgen. Try to take care of yourself as much as possible, and know that crystallisation is a part of limerence, does not mean their ideas are true.
my ex girlfriend recently did this to me. left me for a turd of a human and they were dating for less than a month and she loves him to the moon and back and he is her soulmate.
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Let me give you some hope y'all! Don't worry about the other person anymore. Trust me you will regret hoping wishing and begging your partner. Move on and live your life! You will survive and life will be great! Who cares if they are in love or limerance. Your to important to sit and wait around for someone!
It doesn't matter if it works out or not because the devaluation & discard was so traumatic it made me physically sick. A year later I've gained back some of the weight I lost and am looking forward to the coming of spring alone... after 30 years together. I'm gonna be OK.♥️ You're right about the memories, he doesn't remember anything good.
3 years and still i am fighting ..
Same! He doesn't remember anything good. Leaving behind a 21 month old & 1 month baby... won't give us a chance after almost 11 years.
@Self-compassion Channel - Fenna van den Berg He had an affair with a co worker... when I was only 2 month pregnant .... I was alone for 9 months during my pregnancy... I recently offered him to move back in again & work on our marriage or divorce... & he is choosing divorce... he says he can't get over his resentment & anger he has towards me... i'm so sad... he wants to ask for more time but I told him I can't wait anymore if he won't even move back in and try...
I'm filing to take some control of my life back & plan a life for my 2 young children.
I don't know what to do other than file for an offical seperation... Is there anything I can do?
The only redemption that I have is to await the end of her affair. I can't wait to see it end.
@@eremiasranwolf3513 Hello Friend. I'm still alive. She's living with her rich boyfriend 1500 miles way and she's trying to take my home from me in the divorce. I've been studying up on narcissists and she fits the mold 100%. A couple more months of this misery and the marriage will be over. Then life can begin again for me. At that point, she will be at the 1 year mark for her affair. I wonder how it will be going then
Looking back, when my wife was in a limerent affair with a coworker she was absolutely miserable, I'm a great guy & it turns out about 1000 times better looking than her affair partner. I don't know what the heck she was thinking, but when I found out I moved out for about 3 years & the Simp that she was limerent with dumped her soon after her & the kids were his full time. Responsibility is the last thing a Simp wants.
Sounds like you were the simp accepting her back after she been with another.
And why did you have to move out of your own house? Grow some balls and kick her out instead.. how can you be a great guy when you don’t even have a backbone dude.
You know what a simp is? Look in the mirror
What cause your wife to want to be in an affair with a coworker?. Was there passion in your marriage or was it all responsibility protect and provide?
Being attracted to somebody is not simply based on what they look like.
At the same time, if husbands don't know what makes their woman happy emotionally, what arouses her. What makes her want to be in limerence with them then they're going to lose out too.
@@nancydrew5 women need accountability for themselves too. Starting an affair is immoral and wrong.
@@nancydrew5 Looking back in my opinion she was suffering from postpartum depression and made many very bad decisions for 5 years after giving birth. Short of a mental institution there was nothing I could do to stop her.
Absolutely 💯
It felt like you were talking about my husband and his new woman. Everything you spoke of in the beginning is EXACTLY him! He said they connected, they are so inlove, while I was still living in the house he couldn't wait to be with her. I felt like I was in the way. I moved out 3 weeks ago and I could feel the annimosity toward me from him, like I was the one that did something wrong... but you just explained it all here. I am so glad I stumbled accross your video, cos I wasn't finding anything online that was making sense of what the hell is going on. She is married with 2 kids, so she sacrificed alot more than him, so he will be the one to leave first, and I get this, because I KNOW him! He'll catch the wake up and by then it will be too late, I will never take him back. You can't go back to what broke you. My pain is still very raw because I LOVED him, I still do, but I have to get over my love for him. Karma is a bitch and she's coming for him. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Good luck to you, and yes you have no choice than to focus on yourself and the kids.
Thank you for sharing
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know the hell that it is but be strong, you will be ok.
My wife just cheated while leaving me at home with our two small kids. Shes obsessed with the guy and I've fought it so much. Thank you for this video. I needed to hear this.
@@eremiasranwolf3513 she moved out with the guy and split up our family. We have 50/50 custody but she’s had massive regrets and is desperately trying to get back together but I’ve met someone else.
Go no contact.
Only talk to her about family or business matters.
Yes, he devalued me by saying "I love you... but I am not IN love with you". I said nothing. It felt like a strangely out of the blue comment. I just looked at him with a "puzzled" look. (Grote Lul !)
They all seem to use this phrase
Maybe it is how they feel. Maybe their feelings have changed. That happens. People' feelings have been known to change; they fall out of love and attractions fade. It's painful for the other person if they're still in love though.
'Just a friend ' ...in limerence, your warm and affectionate wife is happy for herself and cares not for your feelings. Guys, when you see emotional intimacy growing, confront and fight for her as the next step is physical intimacy. It’s hell on Earth, but don't let that guy have her!
Let him have her, I fought not to let him have her, and now here I am divorced with a broken soul.
Yup take her take him, whatever the case maybe ... you'll see and feel the other person every time you look at them and everytime theu Tru to kiss or screw you, because in your soul they made love to the other person's mind and or body.. truly devastating 😢 💔
Yes. Exactly. She thought I'd be fine with her and her guy although she initiated our divorce with anger. She rushed a divorce with me to get married to him. Very true, they think of every bad thing you've done and nothing is good in their eyes even if you have been the most loving supportive person in the past. They just can't see it.
The more you try to get them back the harder they push against you because you are getting in the way. And will fight every step to justify themselves. It's painful to hear "I don't love you". So it works out that me, this happy go lucky limerant is seeing his ex wife in limerance whilst being limerant about the loss. I'm waiting with eager anticipation to hear that great big crash....and it will come. I'm now getting on with life yet still keeping a door open just in case.
Any update?
I would really like to know as well.
Your story mirrors mine. My disadvantage was i didn't know what limerence was during the time my wife was cheating on me. Had i known i would of been on better footing while dealing with this shock and trauma of the situation. I was very close to giving up and filing for divorce. The stages of limerence played out and i was the one left in a position of power. She wanted to come home and i allowed it with conditions and my conditions were met. Sorry you went through the same pain as me.
I’m at same stage. My wife ran off 7 months ago
@@christianchristensen9661 learn as much as you can about Limerence. If you don't have a plan or strategy, it will help you in your decision making. Hope it works out for you and i know your pain.
I appreciate this so much. Also, something you said there was that feeling sorry for someone is the opposite of attraction and YES - that’s why I forced myself to not beg or cry or tell him how hopeless he left me.
Now - 2 years later - he asked for all of his belongings back because him and his new partner are having troubles and he wants to sell his things. Unfortunately I burnt and destroyed everything after holding onto it for a whole year for him, while they flaunted their amazing life on social media.
I did not respond to his texts. He left me and cut me off completely while being with someone else for a year behind my back. Know your worth - even when you’re in so much pain. Know that there needs to be balance in this world, and they will feel what you felt. You don’t want them back - you want balance, and that will happen mostly without you seeing it. Sending you love and healing. Thank you Fenna for your amazing content. ❤
Patience and karma will do its work.
Well said👏👏👏
i feel like it’s important to mention that limerence in my experience has been ocd, so exposure to the rejection is the only way forward and has stopped the limerence in my case. it’s about ripping off the bandaid using ERP (exposure response therapy) and just feeling the hurt once and for all and the limerence that is just emotions that you are avoiding then goes away! i hope this helps someone as i wish someone had told me this earlier! thank you for your videos ❤️
also please correct me if i’m wrong or am maladvising!
@@followingfenna Yes I struggled so much with tarot readings too! I avoided doing compulsions for 24 hours and then the exposure was rereading old text conversations to expose myself to the reality of the situation, the limerence is now gone
@@followingfenna Fenna I was also wondering if it is not too much of an overstep, if you do zoom calls? I would love to talk to someone about this topic. I really feel you could help provide me some deeper insight, let me know :)
Of course this is a service let me know your rates!
In my case, exposure would make my limerence even worse. I would get rejected by the same person over and over again and it would just make my limerence adapt, change form and become even stronger over time.
Say, “I respect that. I hope you’ll grace me with the same respect for my response.” Then slide divorce papers across the table that you’ve had drawn up already. Or say, “Ok. Best of luck in all your future endeavors. Your loss.” Then put their things out on the lawn and change the locks.
I love this. Can’t wait for the karma to hit.
This makes perfect sense now. Nothing else fit so perfectly into the question I had. Do I tell her and save her future or should I let her discover this on her own?
I have been standing for my marriage for 16 months now. My Wife left me for a homeless drug addict. She recently broke up with him for about a week telling her Mom that she doesn't want to be with him anymore. A week later she was hit with a surge to go back to him and she did. I know that this is the beginning of the end for them. She may go back and forth a few nore times but our sons and i are hopeful.
Good luck to you! And thanks for sharing this!
Thank you for this video! It was very insightful. I discovered that my wife was in the early stages of an affair towards the end of last year. I made a lot of bad decisions and played the pick me dance afterwards that only pushed her away. I'm now on anti-depressants and able to cope better with the situation. She said she was willing to rebuild our relationship and marriage, but she did not stop contact with the AP. She said that after discovery they said they took things too far and that they would just be friends supporting each other (the AP is going through a divorce). But that was most likely a lie. We're at a stalemate now living under the same roof as if we're roommates. She says she needs space now. So I am working on myself and taking it day by day. It's not easy right now, but I am trying to have faith. What you said about the state of mind of the wayward spouse only thinking of the negative aspects of the past is so right. As Dr. Gottman calls it, negative sentiment override. My wife is deep in NSO right now.
Making you the enemy they provoked you into being, allows them to justify their behavior and relieve any guilt or shame they have about doing wrong while you do what is right. Just ignore their reality and focus on yours in Christ and Gods truth. Everything else is head games and noice and distraction.
Leave .. grieve , work on yourself and move on . I did . Wife of 20 years went limerent with co worker .. divorce 5 years ago . 50/50 custody . I’ve improved myself beyond description. I’ve been with the perfect woman now for 4 years . God has a plan .. you’ll be ok
Leave .. grieve , work on yourself and move on . I did . Wife of 20 years went limerent with co worker .. divorce 5 years ago . 50/50 custody . I’ve improved myself beyond description. I’ve been with the perfect woman now for 4 years . God has a plan .. you’ll be ok
Leave .. grieve , work on yourself and move on . I did . Wife of 20 years went limerent with co worker .. divorce 5 years ago . 50/50 custody . I’ve improved myself beyond description. I’ve been with the perfect woman now for 4 years . God has a plan .. you’ll be ok
Leave .. grieve , work on yourself and move on . I did . Wife of 20 years went limerent with co worker .. divorce 5 years ago . 50/50 custody . I’ve improved myself beyond description. I’ve been with the perfect woman now for 4 years . God has a plan .. you’ll be ok
this is exaclty what happened with my ex, he got married after 6 months into a new relationship, the same amount of time we oficially cut communication after 5 years of relationship... he got divorced and now he is persuing a new relationship with another girl who is leaving everything to go with him overseas... its ñike Im watching a remake of an old series.
Incredible. So accurate. Thank you for your insight!
Married for 25 yrs, husband end the marriage having a secret affair with the wife of his bestfriend who passed away. Double betrayal. OW (my friend) didnt grieve the loss instead stole my husband and left me suffer the loss instead. He is now in this limerence period, only focus on her. 27 yrs we are together now he said they are soulmate. They dont live together just sneaking and hiding still in denials in front of others even friends knows already. I let go without discussion or argument, he end with me saying " the longer I stay with you I will die ". Wow ! 27 yrs he didnt die. I just replied "OK", live well. Im preparing the divorce. Block them, no contact. I forgive them in my heart to gain my peace and healing process. I leave it all to the universe.
I'm so so so sorry this happened to you.
Know that this is about unhealed trauma and has NOTHING to do with you.
I admire your calmness, I would have gone crazy I think. I wish you all the luck in the world !!
Thank you. Its helpful to understand what my spouse does with an earlier friend of mine. They knew each other for over 10 years, but the Limerence Episode between them began last year in may. In Moment my spouse is a other Person. She sacrificed her whole value and beliefsystem to be with the LO. Yes we had no good marriage because of me. But i changed a lot and working on my pies. So i have hope that this crazy Episode is over, she will come back. And in the beginning of their relationship she Said Things to me Like: I cannot let you go. Please fight For me.... But he always pulled her back. I can understand that the emotions are so overwhelming, that she cannot handle this in this phase. So i try to be the safe place and working on me till she found back to herself.🙏❤️
That is very nice of you, and it's true, she is tormented, hopefully the episode will end soon and she can calm down, good luck to you too! And thank you for commenting.
This gives me hope. My husband and his LO are going 4 years now. I’m staying hopeful that it will come to end soon
Pls take care of yourself also :)
@@sirhc07 thank you
Devalued as, 'I really just viewed you as a friend' For 25 years? Come on.
Yup.... i heard that. "Your more like a relative to me".
That's another "script" phrase. They are in MLC, see above comment
@@joshuahall1250 Sorry MLC?
@@joshuahall1250it really is all a movie script isn’t it. So predictable !!!!
I got - I'm not in love with you... I care for you deeply... 11 years - & i was 3 months pregnant with our second child! his affair is still on going 1 year now. He hardly talks to me... It's like I dont exist to him... I'm looking for a legal seperation... not divorce yet... just working on myself & look after my 2 baby girls.
This didn’t happen in my situation. We were together for 8 years and now they are married, and have been together 10 years.
@@followingfenna What is BL? Yeah, I guess they really were soul mates. Ha.
@@followingfenna
@@followingfenna Thank you! Everything you said makes perfect sense. 🙏🏼
Was it possibly not limerence?
@@mickboyce386 I suppose maybe it wasn’t limerence. I have no idea. I guess it wasn’t or maybe the rarest form of it.
What a great 👍 video! Thanks 😊
Very Helpful. Thank you. Salsa class helps. Love the fashion.
You are a superb person, with the greatest insights about this phenomenon of limerence. Thank you for informing and enlightening us. 👩🏻👌🙏
Wow, thank you! That comment made my day ❤️
Fenna your content is so helpful and eye-opening. It brings some releif in the most painful and intense moments.
Please tell me, when was the last time you were in a limerent episode or when you spotted that your limerence is about to be activated?
Once that happens they can go and be with that person and there is no coming back for them. I would never be afraid of losing them as once it starts they are already gone as far as I'm concerned. Once they devalue me they are done No coming back "EVER". Stop codling these kind of people cheating, that's all these kind of sites do. trust never comes back once they betray you.
Well said.
This is an excellent tutorial, and extremely accurate regarding the scenarios that are played out. Very good Fenna. Cheers!
Thank you :) for all your nice comments
The first part of this video reads like you gave my wife the script she used to break up with me. Almost a word-for-word recreation of all the reasons, excuses and actions she used to justify the divorce.
Eye opening. Thanks a lot!
Well done
Just went through it all, well said all true.
This was an eye opener 👏👏👏
I would like to know more about how long to expect someone to recover from a LE when the LO does not and has never reciprocated. Once No Contact is established. Is is possible that they will hold onto that "hope" forever?
PERFECT EXPLANATION!!!
THANK YOU!!
Spot on again
Fenna,
What is the average time crystallization happens... 18 months??
I just came out limirernce....i need everyone good wishes to be strong and not fall back on the LO again
How long were you in Limerence Vicky D?
hi, i wait nothing from my LO, because she has nothing to give, concretely, but what is hard now is plan B ! limerence was like someone could meaby fill the cup of love, meaby it's not a cup but a water well, i wait a big love and it's not simple to meet people who want the same ! if the trauma is attachment, addiction, you looking for someone, the shema could just repeat the same, i have to find the injury to be free and open to meet someone, it's hard, i could fall in love from my coach too ! ;)
My wife divorced me after 28.5 years for emotional reasons. Our marriage has been up and down. She jumped into a relationship with another far away. I don’t if she was in contact with this man when we were still together. Would this be and example of limerence? I love her very much. I did everything I could to reconcile. I still have hope. This has been devastating. I no nothing about this man.
Hi josh I'm so sorry this happened to you, of course I can't guarantee this is limerence with so little information but I do hope you will be happy again .
It is like I am listening to myself explain my marriage to someone. Wow.
Thank you
My wife met a rich married man and both started an affair, he is taking care of my wife and 2 children. They are now staying in a difrent town close to the sea. (approx. 1000 km) My wife and children is 95% depended on him; as my wife has no work, no car, no property. Its now about 3 months; she asked for a divorce by still didnt actualy stated the process. I think she keeps her back door open.
I hope you take care of yourself Menno, this is tough. Good luck to you.
Hi so will your partner still grieve for the family they gave up when limerence fade even thou they left for their LO?
it works exaclty as she said in the video.
My ex husband left for his affair, left her after a year for another woman and then went back to the mistress after a year w her. He and the first mistress are still together after 6 years. We were married 39 yrs. He did try to “hook up” w me at two years w/o any sign of remorse or sorrow. No way!
I'm so sorry Cindy.
I hope you are doing okay.
The affair partner isnt the wife and the wife isnt the affair partner
What about cases where your partner is this person’s boss and therefore their relationship has to be a secret? It appears that there was build up for a good 6-9 months prior to my partner leaving for the other person but still wasn’t honest about it and finally got caught 3 months after moving out but is still secretly seeing this person and doesn’t think I or anyone else knows. But unfortunately most of his colleagues know and that’s how it was confirmed they are still secretly together. But due to my partner’s position no one wants to confront the situation for fear of backlash
Ai that must be very painful Liz. I'm so sorry.
My wife carried on an affair for several years before I discovered it. I'm actually attractive, we have a beautiful little boy, we live a debt free life on a body of water and I am NOT abusive, a drinker, a drug addict or neglectful. She chose a man 10 years older than us that looks 20 years older than us. I asked her why, she said "he cared". I asked her what her plan was, if she was at some point going to tell me and leave. She said "I was waiting for you to die". I'm an insulin dependant diabetic, she was buying me a pint of ben & jerry's ice cream every day. She has lost her friggen mind. I have not handled all this well at all. Many regrettable things were said. I am struggling to not lash out verbally. I have changed the locks to our cute lake home and now she's staying with her mother in a shitty trailer and continuing see the man who cared for her so much he helped destroy her perfect life.
I'm so sorry, I hear a lof of devesrating stories due to limerence, so you are not alone.
My husband of 14 years went into a limerent relationship. He and I are now divorced. The one he left me for he has cheated on her and has left her to marry the new woman He was cheating with. The woman he left me for was in shock and in a lot of pain.
Ai thats some trail of pain for multiple people. Good luck to you Rebecca
Thank you for this
Great video thank you!
I really hope this is correct. My ex let me for someone else the very same day she broke up with me. She moved in with him hours away from our town. Now they are engaged. So this was 7 months ago. They are still together. I had seven years. But anyway she went straight into that relationship without looking back. So this Limerance thing isn’t always correct
@@followingfenna it’s sad yes. I was completely shattered. I got into therapy that very next day and go every week to deal with the pain. I have a video here on TH-cam to show you how happy I thought we were. We rarely fought ever and we’re so much in love , so I thought. So thank you for your videos. I’ve seen them all and will continue to follow them
@@todd8780 it looks very much like limerence. It can be up to 4 years. 4 years is very common. Do
Limerence can be up to 4 years. 2 to 3 is common. Do some research on limerence. Are you hoping to get back together if they split up?
@@mickboyce386 I’m 55 and she by far meant more to me than anything in this entire world. I feel if she wanted to get back together I would try yes. Dangerous I know but I still love this woman. January 10th will be one year ago this happened. So I’m still hurting from this. I’ve been in therapy all year as well and journaling daily but I still love this woman with every breath. I have a video of us on TH-cam. You can see that we were happy for 7 years and this happened
@@todd8780 check out Marriage Helper on youtube. They specialise in this situation. They also know limerence mostly through experience but also a massive amount of research. They also are big beleivers and followers of the Gottman methods.
Can a person be in limerence for the second time ?
@@followingfenna yes, for the same person. That would be interesting to know. So the scenario would be: Limerence wore off, rational thinking even kicks back in, but there is still a basic attraction. Can limerence kick in a second time if contact with the affair isn't cut off completely?
Fenna,
The LO left the wife last week, I've spoken to her twice, what is the next move?
Is there a period before she will call wanting to talk?
If our relationship was good does she want to get back?
Sorry,
Yes her LO left her.
And I have been so far ive listened, tried to be compassionate and gave my sorrow told her I completely understand ive been there i understand the pain.
We'll see
Please MORE videos like this for what the spouse should do is needed. 💔💯😊👍
As I've said before- my husband cheated on me with his co-worker last September & i found out end of October. I was 3 months pregnant with our 2nd child. We are seperated (not offically yet) we went to therapy for abit but then he stopped going. Im going to go to a new therapist this week that uses the Gottman therapy (he probably won't go) He has left me with our 2 month old & our 2 year old. He hardly has anything to do with them. He has started talking about divorce... i woukd rather seperate for awhile instead of just jump into divorce. But im so sad as he says he cares for me but is not in love with me. He says its the "family I wanted" 😞 we had planned to have children. Now hes living like a selfish bachelor & sees our children on and off and does not want to come home. Im sure he is still carrying on with the affair as he acts very cold & mean towards me. I tell him i dont want a legal seperation ... i tell him i love him and dont want to divorce as we have been together 11 years... but nothing gets through to him... hes infatuated & i now mean nothing to him... its as if all we had he views as horrible. He says he was misriable for all of the 11 years we were together??? Its been almost 1 year since the affair started... i want to keep fighting but i feel pretty hopeless... All i can do is file for a legal seperation to protect myself & my girls.
Oh & he is HIGHLY emotional... I can't say anything without him being mean or frustrated at me.
@self-compassionchannel-fenna I added some more to my comment. Would you recommend a legal seperation if after nearly 1 year there seems to be no getting through to him? I hope he will come to therapy again but he may not. 😞
If I was you I would file for divorce if he was unhappy all those years because you cannot really force him to love yoy.
But I don't think he was. We were very happy! That's why this doesn't make any sense. I think it's the limerence & him rewriting history.
How does this work during midlife crisis?
Normally limerence can hit us hard during Middle age. Maybe due to boredom, hormones or 'wanting excitement'
@@followingfenna what is the likelihood of him coming back to me, his wife of 15yrs after he moved in with her to another town? Do I just divorce him even though I don't want to?
Of course I can't predict anything with no information.
If he removes himself from you, you have no choice but to move on. I wish you alllll the best in the world!
@@followingfenna thank you
Ik heb wel een vraag , hoe ga je om met je partner die niet verteld dat hij bij zijn affaire partner wil zijn . Dus en hij liegt en hij voelt zich slachtoffer terwijl ik met de pijn zit. Wat kun je doen?
Heel goed voor jezelf proberen te zorgen. Try to take care of yourself as much as possible, and know that crystallisation is a part of limerence, does not mean their ideas are true.
What if you did try to fight for the relationship. Does this reeuce the chnaces of this person comming back?
Of course that depends on so many factors, in any case I believe it's bever not okay to fight for anything worth fighting for.
my ex girlfriend recently did this to me. left me for a turd of a human and they were dating for less than a month and she loves him to the moon and back and he is her soulmate.
@@followingfenna I'm slowly getting better. The obsessive thoughts of her are getting less and less frequent.
How does a baby affect the limerent affair? Do you have an email
Followingfenna.com is my landing page :)
It won't work out because Chad is already bored and she ain't that great.
Walker James Miller Kevin Jones Lisa
My wife is telling me I used to call her names and never told her she was beautiful which I did!!