"Hope is the dope" is the best shorthand description of limerence I've ever heard. Thank you, Fairy , for telling us hard truths. I hope that the writer did not think the Fairy's advice was too tough. The truth is that we all needed to hear it too. Fairy tough love constantly reminds us that to get what we need, we need to get clear about what we want and see things as they really are.
@@Thomassina1 I agree. They flirt and steal your energy easier. This happened with me. It put me back 2 years of self inflicted emotional torture. I see things clearer now and Anna’s channel had allot to do with that.
Part of limerance is thinking you will never meet someone who actually prioritizes you, so you convince yourself to latch on to subpar "connections". If we believed we could find someone who loved us in a healthy way, we wouldn't keep trying to convince ourselves people who don't love us will change their minds.
This is so spot on! Thank you for this. That is the one lesson I learnt for being in a relationship with an avoidant for ten years! Ten! It was torture and I wasted 10 years of my youth 😢
she considered herself to be 'healed', and yet was attracted to exactly the same type of partner as her previous two partners. we need to stop lying to ourselves in order to feel that we're worthy of love. you don't have to be 'healed' to be worthy of love, you can just be you.
She considered that because people IRL and online say “you need to work on yourself” and constantly perpetuate that you won’t find love until you “healed” . I’ve experienced people tell me that and these same people in relationships are broken as hell… that’s actually when I realized it bull shit advice. Healing is not a reward for a relationship.
I was in a 2-year relationship with a dismissive avoidant, which was not unlike this scenario. Even if he calls you his girlfriend, brings flowers, and plans dates, the dynamic is the same. That relationship fed off of a deep longing I had- to keep longing. My ex would never want to discuss the relationship, make plans too far into the future, or stay over too many nights in a row. I was patient with his need for space and independence. It was the hardest breakup I've ever experienced because it was sudden and felt like it came out of nowhere. In hindsight, I realize that he was a ticking time bomb- and although he wanted a committed partner, his fear of intimacy always wins out. I learned one thing through that relationship: Don't try and teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of your time, and it annoys the pig.
Omg yes the “longing to keep longing” part. It’s like these kinds of relationships help us feel like there’s something more for us in this life and we feed off that negative energy and hope because it gives us purpose and belonging.
The real heartbreaking part of this is when you realize just how badly your own mind and emotions lied to you. Like am I insane? How could I be THIS wrong? You feel genuinely insane. It feels like WandaVision where she uses her powers to create and live in a world that doesn't exist to cope with her tragic reality. Except we are totally unaware we are doing it.
Omg yes the whole “hindsight is 20/20” thing messes me up so much sometimes. Like two years ago I was disassociating at my job because he hadn’t texted me back for 8 hours. Like wtf? Now he goes away for a month for marine work and I’m like “hell yeah now I can play video games in peace” 😂
I love your comment. I had a similar experience last year where I chased an unavailable man for months before I was forced to confront by a twist of fate that he never had any intention of being with me and was only using me for casual fun. I have spent the last 11 months or so questioning myself and feeling like I'm insane. It's not been easy at all, but there is hope! Therapy and learning self-compassion really help!
I think we have to be careful about blaming the self for limerence, or any form of connection-seeking. We are wired for love by millions of years of evolution. We are not wired for attachment disorder (ours or theirs). Attachment trauma is very very recent, as a consequence of the loss of tribe and caregiver security. We can learn a lot about how to deal with this dysfunctional world, but none of us should feel shame or inadequacy because we suffer.
No convincing, ladies. Never convince him to be with you. Don’t be his friend if he’s not giving you the relationship you want, you don’t have time or energy to dedicate to him if you’re busy looking for a forever partner. Don’t be his counselor, that is not your job and he will use it if it’s free. Thank you crappy childhood fairy! This video is a great reminder ❤
A lot of women seem enamored of this 'detached' 'take it or leave it' attitude towards men. That's fine, but be prepared when men en masse choose to 'leave it.'
@@EmilyAdams-q1hThat is the point, the hovering around but never getting off the ground and making it stick do well to "leave en masse". THOSE are not connections deserving of resources. You can re earn money spent, you can recuperate and have new energy, but your time can only be spent once and life is short. ✌️
@@EmilyAdams-q1h Sounds like a win win situation if the non takers stop their hovering around and leave. Regardless of gender or orientation. Time is everyones most precious resource ✌️
Honestly at this point in time in society at large I think it's better for men and women (who are not in healthy relationships ) to spend time alone for a long period of time learn to love themselves alone before attempting to find life partners in order to not center or wrap their !entire! lives around their romantic partners .
@@EmilyAdams-q1hgood. You guys can all get each other off like you basically do metaphorically. Finally you can be with who you all really want to - your male friends :)
I really feel for this woman. I was in this type of situation as a guy. It's so so sad. You can have people around you that are a much better fit in every imaginable way, but you'll have zero feelings for them, while you're mind is completely obsessed with some person that will never love you.
"Can you get pass this idea that men just accidentally show up as unhealthy and unavailable, or can you see that you're choosing them?" "Be Victorian about friendships with men." My favorite lines from this video.
My ex was dismissive avoidant. Moral of the story is these types of people will absolutely waste your time. Bread crumb you. String you along and will give you every excuse in the book. Run! Do not damage your mental health being with someone like that. They will absolutely drain you and leave you nothing more than a trembling shell of your former self.
@@Mmyythandleummm. I can be both emotionally unavailable and not be a user like DAs tend to be. They’re also highly manipulative and can pull the wool over the CPTSDers eyes. Geezus.
So true ! The person I was with, I clearly told him In the beginning I'm not seeking love, and he was all over on me, until I could give him attention. He pleased, morphed himself,and later gathered so much resentment, that he was the only person doing everything. He had a brutal childhood because of his parents, and sought all his denied validation from me, I gave him my love and everything, and all he had was resentment, that he had to "work" so much for this relationship. Later he says, I don't know love because I never experienced and saw love. He talked about "spending 45 winters with me" before he even knew my name! It's damaging, throwing yourself on others unless you know what you get the best out of them, and leave.People can be dangerous in ways. I am still healing. @@Mmyythandle
I've been here multiple times ... It is so helpful hearing how delusional the other people sound. lol and I don't mean that as a criticism of them it's just wild when you can easily see it as delusional for someone else but you can't see that of yourself.
@@smadm2437 I would not beat yourself up over it. I feel you. It's tough because they gave things to you in the beginning, but refuse to take the next steps, then you play this cat and mouse game that just destroys you.
I was in a similar situation for years and finally broke up with him :) I made friends in my community and realized how little my partner talked to me, supported me, and saw me. I was like, “I can find new friends who talk to me consistently and support me, why would I be with my boyfriend who I’m fighting tooth and nail to talk to me/move closer/spend time with me?”
People do this all the time? Why? Many reasons. Because the are at some level of comfort, it's hard to change & they believe something is better than nothing. Lots don't want to do the work to become better to find someone better. Maybe changing their life to up chances to find someone more suitable would require uprooting their kids' life. Therapists will tell you virtually all our problems have to do with our feeling we aren't enough. That's an easy answer to a complex problem. Anna is reading letters & digging under the writer's explanation. Quite frankly, many of us would be horrified to read our own life story. It takes a brave soul to admit their own dysfunction. But it takes an even higher level of courage to work consistently toward changing our circumstances. Change is not easy for the majority of us. In fact, it is extremely challenging. You Tube is a blessing & a curse! Back in my day we didn't have this wealth of knowledge. YT provides all the help we need to identify & remedy our own dysfunction. If only we are willing to see it. CPTSD is relatively new as a diiagnosis. As Anna has noted, definate similarities to PTSD, but with unique differences. We are just now seeing it written about & discussed in mainstream media. It took very little time watching her videos before I had an "Aha!" moment. . . The licensed "55 minute/$150 hr" licensed therapists diagnosed chronic depression & generalized anxiety. However, not one told me why or what to do about it. All any of them offered was a place to vent & an RX for antidepressants.
When someone says they don't want a relationship, it means they don't want to be vulnerable with you. This doesn't mean they won't happily accept your attention and validation, however, and that's where people with anxious attachment get confused. Happily accepting attention and validation from you does not imply they will ever want to give attention and validation back to you, which is what YOU need to balance your own efforts. Also, speaking as an autistic person, I need to make it clear that implication does not exist -- only inference exists. Any message that is not explicitly stated and any intention that is not explicitly demonstrated through action, exists only as an inference in your mind. Neurotypicals believe implication exists because they share a broad range of social and cognitive norms that make it possible for them to infer meanings and intentions between each other with reasonable accuracy, which makes it look to them like implication exists, but it doesn't. If there is no evidence of something, it only exists in your imagination -- including the belief that if someone accepts your attention and validation, it means they are falling in love with you and will someday give back to you.
Implication DOES exist though. You absolutely can purposely imply something using tone or body language. The keyword there, however, is “purposeful”. I want to first interject that I am diagnosed with both autism and adhd so this is not coming from a neurotypical pov. Firstly, have you experienced limerence? Your post here suggest that you haven’t but I figured I would ask to be polite as I have no true way of knowing. Secondly, if you have experienced limerence you would understand that most limerent people believe that their limerent object is just denying their true feelings for whatever reason. There is so much cognitive dissonance when it comes to limerence that it’s almost hard to put into words. The best way to describe it is how I have before: it’s an addiction. Your brains tells you lies to save you from a profound hurt. The limerent person knows deep down their limerent object doesn’t love them. They cling on to whatever source of hope they can get from their L.O. which means they are most likely resorting to dissecting every word, body language, and action performed by their L.O. It’s completely illogical and something that is almost impossible to reason with. Basically in the limerent mind it is “if I accept that this person doesn’t and will not ever love me then I will never be happy again/ never love anyone again/ never find anyone who loves me again/die.” Like I say, it’s an addiction; this type of logic is SOUND but it doesn’t apply. Imagine telling a crack addict that they’re only addicted to crack because they aren’t autistic and can’t see that it’s just little white rocks and if you just didn’t smoke it you’d be fine.
@@happy583xox : No, implication does not exist, not outside of your own imagination anyway. You may intend for a subtextual message to be inferred, but you cannot guarantee it will be inferred correctly, or at all.
@@deusexaethera I am not sure if I am autistic, but 10 to 1 I am not neurotypical. I get this. Your opinion holds weight for me. There is also the paradox, we can hold more than one truth at once. However it is illuminating in regards to the dellusional of limerence to make sure one is reorienting to what is concrete and factual, rather than hanging off of what could be implied. So perhaps it is looking at; What is the more true statement? The mind plays tricks on itself in limerence...so the more we can deal with information in a concrete manner, then the better off we may be.
He didn’t give her nothing, he gave her non-romantic friendship. It just was not what she wanted. I would be MUCH harder on him if he hadn’t very clearly & repeatedly stated what he didn’t want. The woman is an autonomous being we repeatedly accepted the non-romantic terms laid out for their relationship. I’m not saying the man is completely without fault, but there are 2 sides to this street.
Yes basically trauma dumping on her and because she convinced herself he liked her and gave her attention she was “happy”. It comes from a childhood of neglect, because any attention is good attention even if you can’t get what you want or need 😢
I could have written this letter a few years ago 😆 i was in a similar situation, and in retrospect it’s crazy how much i saw it as “complicated” when really it was simple-the truth just ruined my fantasy so i twisted it until i could ignore the reality. I also didn’t see it at the time, but I DEFINITELY was drawn to this weird, online, distant relationship over a normal one that would be too scary and vulnerable. I’m so glad i eventually cut off that relationship (even as a friend), and i agree that was necessary for me to fully move on. I’m happy to report now that i’m in a healthy, happy, committed relationship with someone who actually lives in my city 😂
Sometimes you have to learn how to love something that is actually good for you. We, traumatized individuals have a tendency to settle for (or even long for) things and persons that are actually bad for us. It takes time and a lot of effort to heal and to learn that we have every right to love someone who reciprocates that love, in essence to love someone who is good for us. Avoidants definitely do not fall into that category IMO.
Limerence isn’t a “kind of addiction” it IS an addiction. It can sound so sweet, real you in, sing nice, comforting songs, just like a Siren, but Limerence is really a curse. It’s a cancer. Once it starts, it’s so hard to stop. It’s exhausting. It sucks up your time and mental energy, so much so, that you do NOT have time for anything else, bc why would you wanna face real life, when you can just escape in your own fantasy land? That’s what the mind does. The mind is so, SO powerful, it’s like a trickster. But, it’s not your fault. If you were constantly rejected by people your age, like I did, you’re not a “bad person.” Don’t be so hard on yourself. Yes, it’s hard, it’s painful. Exhausting even. I know this for a fact. I just cut off a long distance old HS friend, just three months ago, and before that, I cut off someone who I thought was a “friend,” but it just turned out that they were just your neighborhood energy vampire. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. I cut them off maybe about a year and this latest one didn’t even last that long; only 8 months. So, unfortunately, I do have experience with this. I’m tryin to get help myself, but admitting that you have a Limerence for someone is the hardest step, and I’m still trying to escape my own dreamland. Remember that the mind is strong, but you are stronger!
Exactly!! Limerent is an actual addiction in so many ways. One thing I don’t see a lot of people talk about is how it can destroy every other relationship in your life because you’re a wreck of your former self who can’t stop talking about/ crying over your limerent object. It didn’t happen to me, thank god, but I could totally see how someone could even lose a job because of it.
I'm a woman and I'm FA and I have commitment phobia, it is so strong I feel like sufocating (feel sick for real) everytime men start to want more from me. The only type of men I feel like being around are other avoidants because I feel bad about hurting ppl, they are the only ones to give me lots of space, but at the same time these relationships never blossom in the way Id like to. I'm phobic but deep inside Id like to have a normal love life. Now I'm almost in a "normal" relationship, but I'm still creating excuses, space and lots of rules, he is a little bit avoidant as well, but we are moving slow and things are improving.
The phobia is real, I never dated, I get physically sick thinking about me being in a relationship, the problem is the guys that are interested in me are not that bad, but the idea of intmacy scares the hell out of me.. I gave up honestly and accepted my fate, it's not like I want to be someone's wife so bad or anything, I'll not be hurting others when I know that I have a big issue like that.
@@lookaroundyou8108 I know, I see ppl around me and I think: why is it so hard for me??? It seems effortless for them! A sad update: my almost normal relationship is already over, and it ended abruptly as always. I'm not angry with him, but don't feel like talking to him either. Weird situation again...
Ya, right? And the answer is parents who are unavailable, or stressed, or who repeat their own insecure attachment pattern. Love is where we heal. Unfortunately, the level of attachment trauma is at epidemic levels. I think the only solution of for all of us to seek connection IRL. Not online, and not withdrawing into "self-love".
I must say that your content hits so perfectly. How are you able to make content that completely defines the issues I have? Some days I have been moved to tears by the fact that someone has been able to help me understand why I've done some of the things I have. What I love most is that you always give us ways to live life while actively dealing with issues. Thank you, crappy childhood fairy. I am so grateful for the work you are doing.
The problem is not only limmerant women, its tlhe abusive manipulative men that tell you one thing and the other with their gaslighting and confusing language where they tell you you are their perfect match one day and the opposite next day and go back and forth with that intermittent reward, even a safe attachment gets confused with them and their selfish behaviour
We can bash her all day and point out her flaws, BUT WE ALSO HAVE TO CALL OUT people who take advantage of people doing this. Like if you’re not interested and their not getting the hint and cut them off completely
“Holding space” is a legit phrase, but her point here is that the writer was going overboard with the psychology references & applying unhealthy maladaptive behavior to them. All of it points to her self delusion, albeit helped along by a parasitic “friend.”
@@michaelwensley I agree with you. She could be more compassionate and kinder in her delivery. For instance explain when and how the term holding space is used and how exactly she's misusing it here.
@@shadypotato9780so you value vague niceties instead of direct communication? sounds like you are the problem. psychology is already convoluted and unhelpful for people, so why are you villainizing a creator who has helped more ppl than the avg psychologist/talk therapist? if youre serious about your point of view, PROVE IT. how would YOU have phrased it? tell us. 😊 since you know better, prove it.
So I don’t think these people are necessarily that bad to have their feelings because feelings and emotions are not controllable. It’s the actions that are controllable. They do not have any regard for the people that they are holding back from being in healthy, thriving relationships and this makes them very selfish and self-centered, so might even say narcissistic they’re trying to get their needs met in an aggressive way instead of in a assertive way. It should be imperative that schools teach psychology sociology, because these types of relationships are becoming more and more common and people cannot read the signs of attachment, personality styles. If this woman did identify as a secure attached personality style, she would not have been attracted to him in the first place however, she was familiar with his personality because of her previous relationships. It felt comfortable for her. He took advantage of that situation to continue his toxic behavior. That’s why it’s so important to educate yourself, and know exactly what your core values are both in compatibility and in chemistry because they’re two differently categorized things to consider. Make a master list and then take your top five for each and don’t straight from those. If you don’t have all five present, you’re not in Love you are in Limerence and there is a huge difference. In love, you’re in love with the person and in Limerence you’re in love with the fantasy.
Wow, revelation! "If only..." thoughts are avoidance? 🤯 "If only" can come up in all kinds of life situations/areas, not just romantic scenarios. I used to have a lot of "if onlys" a couple of years ago, but I reduced them because they felt like a fantasy and I didn't want to live in fantasy, I wanted to live in reality. But I do have a few (new) "only ifs" that come in the form of "if only the world was a safer/better place" and "if only people were more honest" or "if only I had not become entangled with the abuser", etc. 😔 I will try to drop this thinking! 🙏🏻 Thanks Anna... 💗
20 years of research and introspection and i could never figure myself out. So many failed relationships. The last one a woman i wasnt initially interested in wanted me to be her friend with benefits. Once she told me about her traumas it clicked and she was the one. She didnt want me more than a drinking friend so for 5 years i hung out with her on weekends got drunk with her had sex with her and it absolutely destroyed me. I would be horribly despressed all week because i had to accept reality. Until the weekend again and i could live my fantasy of her being the one and that i could have her one day. I put her on the highest of pedestals like all the girls before her. Eventually i cut it off but 4 years have gone by and i thought about her all day every day. I wish i knew what limerence was long ago.
I have had unrequited feelings for male friends & vice versa. I find it incredibly manipulative when a male friend hangs onto hope when I have given a clear no. If that isn’t something they are capable of handling while continuing the friendship, I expect them to take ownership of that (& I always make it clear that I would not get upset). If the position is reversed, I either take a break or end the friendship if need be, but do not consider it the man’s responsibility to know what is best for ME. I must respect their no. And I do not assume that ‘no’ has become a ‘yes’ unless they *explicitly* tell me so. I think it’s such a shame that we have so little male/female friendship in N America because we don’t handle these issues directly & respectfully. I think mixed gendered friendship is incredibly enriching & special because you both have inherently different views of the world.
Codependents do not like "healthy from the start." They prefer you "show up broken and heal THROUGH the relationship." This is romanticized and eroticized this notion. And this is why healthy, available partners that are right under their nose are not interesting to them. They want to be in a fixer role. Always. Sasha doesn't see her own pattern here..
He was in control of the relationship, she was on his back and call. For him it was safe, he could put it in a box the shape of a screen. The relationship was one dimensional. She was his therapist/confidant not the same as a partner you spend your life with, that's way more challanging. He didn't cared about her emotional needs. She was confussed. He got defensive when she was struggeling with the fact that he didn't felt the same about her. It was the same lesson she still needs to learn, she was mislead by the amount of time he was investing and his personal sharing. It seemed different because of that, but she again pulled on the short end. His devotion was towards his goal not towards her. She isn't used to a lot, that's her default. I hope sooner than later she will experience what true intimacy and love looks and feels like.
Anna, thanks for this video. I couldnt agree more. I was in a very similar textationship with a man on the other side of the country. I lied to myself a lot about what was really going on. Everything you said to this woman, I have said to myself as part of my healing process. Love you and all you do!
Mine had the guts to say that I HAD A HUGE EGO just because I didn't want to stay just friends, the level of gaslighting goes beyond limits, and they do it so good that I did believe i had a big ego for that, still i chose it for my health and sanity
In the past I looked for " hidden meaning " 😢 very Neurotic thing, very self-harming...I'm glad I healed from it. It's a waste of time, energy and it's very painful to get stuck like that/ in denial.
Same thing kinda happened to me. Met when we were 15 and 14 (now 32 and 31) on the internet, from two different countries. Except he came visit me less than a year ago TWICE, two months apart before dumping me for another avoidant he originally swore he only loved as a friend 🤦♀️ i feel groomed and swindled.
Yea personally i feel it’s more like “ im using you for attention when im bored” and ppl think its an avoidant attachment so they dont have to accept the person just doesn’t like you
This really spoke to me because it happened to me. I was sooo in love with him. I recently found out that avoidants love long distance relationships and this was one. He said he loved me but he friend zoned me a lot and then got intimate and then friend zoned, it was confusing. We were talking about moving to the same country. He asked me to marry him, I said yes. Then he cheated and told me about it like I was one of his bros. He broke me into pieces. He never apologized and told me I was being sensitive. Trying to move on and be okay , it's hard... I'm not sure I will ever date again.😢
Your advice is very good and I learned a lot from the similar situation we all going through!! THANK YOU SO much for your work and the way you explaining is great!! Keep up your great work and I am learning a lot from your channel!
I don’t think you can help who you have feelings for or are attracted to but you can control who you gove your time and energy. I’m FA and true to form I like a guy I know doesn’t want a relationship. I can’t turn off the attraction but I also don’t talk to him outside work. Sometimes I worry about how much I think of him and that it’ll prevent me from meeting someone but no way I’d spend hours on the phone for over a year with him. No such thing as fully healed but I think I’ve made progress by at least knowing not to expect or pursue a romantic relationship with someone who flat out said doesn’t want one. Not gonna lie I fantasize about it but I don’t think only traumatized ppl do that. Now I just need to be attracted to someone who wants me instead of feeling suffocated when they do 🤦🏽♀️
After going through a somewhat similar situation to op I am now utterly repulsed by the idea of anyone being interested in me. I feel like I don't even deserve love. Of any kind, really. & with that much healing work to do you will not catch me trying to be in a relationship anyways. That's how people get hurt and I refuse to hurt them like that. The thought terrifies me. Yet I crave the idea of a relationship like air.
Holding space for someone is a term I learned when I did my “urban Zen yoga course”…. It’s a gift to be able to do that for someone in your life. And if they can’t do it for you, they’re not your friend. They’re not your loved one.!
Thank you for this video. I was in a similar situation with a woman. We were actually together for a short time. She was a lovebomber (I learned the term after that) and I gave it a change. I fell hard for her, but checked every day the boxes. What do I want, what does she want, is it aligned? What are my values, what are her values, are they aligned? What are my boundaries, what are hers, are we communicating them clearly? It checked all out. The relationship was heavy focused on her, but it was all fresh. Adjustment to a new routine is hard. It can be that way. I was a bit reluctant in the beginning (I was hurt a lot), but she said all the right things. Did the right things, was vulnerable, open, well-adjusted, and she didn't just copy me. We started to make plans, all seemed to be wonderful. I was between jobs, she suggested looking for a job a bit closer to her. After some time, she offered that I can move in a little while. That seemed fast to me, and I didn't say yes immediately. She asked several times, until I gave in and agreed to eventually move in. In a few months. But then her behavior changed in a matter of three days. And then her life goals practically change overnight, she sends me home, and it was over three days later. She said she was never single for more than three months. She needed to be single for a while to figure out who she is. In a way, I think I therapized her by accident, as we had very deep talks about our lives and past. She really said she wanted all of it, and that her feelings for me were real. That she wanted me, but she couldn't. Which was bullshit, if you want me, come and get me. I was offering, I was available, I was fine with discussing new life goals and adjusting as long as they weren't conflicting to my own. And her new ideas were completely reasonable and doable. They really were fine with what I wanted to do. I was even a bit excited. As she heard that, and I explained what I meant, she suddenly said, that she doesn't want to make decisions with another person in the back of her mind depending on her. I genuinely wasn't depending on her. I was independent. I just offered support. Fact was, she just didn't want me anymore. I was a toy for a few months and as she had been she needed, she did a terrible job ditching me, because, for the first time, in my life, I was too at least 90 % securely attached in a relationship. Knowing what I wanted, ready to walk away, but I just wasn't pushed to that point yet. I still thought, this was doable, with actually low effort. But her story kept changing and expanding, until it was obvious, that she wore a mask, dropped it, and suddenly there was a new person. I was sure, that it wasn't limerence, because I was plainly aware about her flaws. It wasn't just the feelings, the sex, the deep talks and the feeling of belonging that I miss. I genuinely miss her, with all her problems and her strengths. But it was a facade. It wasn't real. That was months ago, and I still think about her. I'm in mourning about what could have been, now knowing that it was doomed from the start. BUT I learned so much from it. I know now what I want. I made real progress in everything since them and used the chance to grow. My next relationship will be better. Maybe I even find the one. But if not, no biggie. I keep looking, learning, and be the positive power in my life and the life of others, respecting my boundaries and wishes for myself. And if someone around me wants to be a part of my life, and I want to be in hers, let's try it. I'm open to it.
This letter was me 3 years ago except he def said he didn't want a relationship, but didn't open up either. At least you got vulnerability. I didn't get anything an actually thought it had potential lolol I deluded myself so deeply, I'm still healing from it and I only saw them in person less than 10 times. I still can't talk about it face to face. Makes me cry but I learned a lot of lesson and I tell you what. I have not felt as much hurt as I did since I decided to live in reality. I've trained my brain to the point when I start subconsciously being limerent again I start crying lol if it felt good I wouldn't cry so now I'm picking up on when I start being in fantasy land. I much prefer 2 feet on the ground but I've also found the more I heal the less I believe love is anything more than a chemical reaction
We sometimes look too deep where in reality there's no depth. Sometimes limerence is just like the latest song you've heard, it's in your head, but it means nothing. The mind just plays it on repeat. Or like a chewing gum that you forgot to spit. It's there, no flavor, no texture, no pleasure, just a mindless automatic chew. If you're obsessing over an ex, you're actually obsessing over the lost dream. You don't want that particular person, you want the dream and just play it on repeat with the latest action figure. The bottom line is that if we are not together, then we don't belong together. It's that simple and clean, but we enjoy labirinths and mess 🙂 Suffering is addictive and easy to roll with, while well-being is a weak muscle that needs training 🤗
I am so grateful for your channel. I have a crazy limerence while being on this very healthy relationship and everytime I listen to one of your videos it slaps me back into reality.
I love the candid tough fairy in this. I was in dating situation for a short time that now I can see included limerence on my part. Excerpt from a poem (to help me wake up out of that rose-tinted trance!): An inner sentinel steps in, Whoa- Keep your eye on the prize! Do not settle for just crumbs that taste good on your thumbs, but are not what you deserve. Remember your vow to choose “reciprocity with a soulmate who honors me and the higher LOVE we both serve” We want you to receive your king who shall cherish and honor your radiance, and you will have no doubt of his adoration, and mutual admiration.
@Marianinspired I really liked the part: "who shall cherish and honor your radiance, and you will have no doubt of his adoration, and mutual admiration." There is no faking when someone is genuinely interested in us...they are consistent and considerate. Thank you very much for the excerpt.
My situation is eerily similar, besides not saying he wasn't interested. Got love bombed, overlooked the flaming red flags. He'd say everything I wanted to hear, but his actions too often didn't match his words or promises. I even visited him in person, but that's a whole other story... It felt like you were speaking to me directly and it was just what I needed. Thank you, omfg
Finally!!!! Someone that says otherwise like it is!!! I can’t thank you enough for your video! I’ve been searching for answers for my marriage as my husband was diagnosed with APD. He’s passed away now and has left me with so many questions that your video is perfectly answering!
Ohhhh this makes perfect sense. I'm angry at myself for not accepting this when it was happening. I knew I was a fantasy but I wished I wasn't and went along with it. He did make plans with me, he was very romantic, seemingly very into me. Then when it came down to execution he missed his flight. Six months of talking beforehand, then two weeks after his missed flight he kinda dropped off and lost interest. I got the sense he was talking to someone else and ended it. Some guys are just saying empty words, and I think we were both comfortable living in a dream instead of reality.
When someone describes their relationship with so much psychological jargon, it's an appeal to authority and disingenuous. These are the types that seek out couples therapy with the aim of winning the therapist over and weaponising them against their partner.
Thank you for this one. it's really true. That is a man who wants a girlfriend, but just not her. Many women, and men for that matter, experience this online. People are way more easily able to be aloof online while drawing ever closer and sucking up more of your time.
I worked for a few years, dedicating myself to understanding what self-love actually meant and taking action toward loving myself more. Eventually I overcame limerence. I love myself too much now to let anything else but love touch me. When it tries, its as if my whole inner being tenses up and rejects it instantaneously. BAM!
Same situation here. I get It Anna, I'm aware of everything you said from almost day one ( after a month precisely) and I've tried to end the " situationship many many times but he always come back and so I've opened the door. My fault Is to be a sort of avoidant/limerent person, his fault Is worst though. If I'm not into someone, I leave sooner as I could. I'm a little bit tired to listen that I am weak and naive because I've develop feelings for him. He used me for years.
I had a rather complex experience. We dated, and initially, I wasn't strongly attracted to her because her behavior-mirroring me, constantly pleasing me, and pursuing me a way I couldn’t have time to chase in return. So, I guarded my heart and didn't fall in love. She expressed having a crush on me. Months later, she claimed our relationship wasn't helping her heal, despite its seemingly smooth course. She then switched to a loving demeanor before abruptly ending things. As I slowly developed deeper feelings, I discovered she was already seeing her ex and has now moved on with someone else, publicly declaring she needs to make better choices. I believe this narrative is a perfect way to appear a victim. While I always slow things down not to be a teenage crush. She has BPD. I'm glad I protected my heart. From her perspective, I might seem like the villain, but I was faithful and committed while maintaining my guard. That saved me. While it's essential to be loved in return, it's equally important not to engage in unhealthy dynamics. I consistently tried to correct her behavior, both when she idolized and devalued me
It’s crazy that this was recommended to me and I’m going through almost the exact same situation 😅 the rejection because of long distance, the relying on each other and flirting like partners which switches on and off, the avoidance. It all just makes me feel crazy, like I’m making up everything in my head, especially since we only talk online. You said that we should just go no-contact when we have one-sided feelings but my problem is that I have NO other friends, and I’ve never talked with someone who understands me to this extent, I feel like if I stepped away I would be taking away a part of me..
Man, I really wish I'd heard about limerance 6 years ago. I wasted my 20s on a man that exploited & gaslit me so he wouldn't have to have hard conversations/deal with breaking yo with me, but still get sex consistently. I'm now actually in a healthy relationship, I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with this man. I have truly, truly not ever had a happiness like this. But I'm still coming to understand how all those things happened in what I now know was a limerant episode.
Right! I've read somewhere (can't quite remember where ) Never date/marry someone for their potential, as good as it is to level up in life if they never reach that supposed potential you need to know that you will still be content with the person you chose since the beginning.
You said in a previous video that you had a successful comedy gig and it really came through in this video. I laughed at you telling us to be Victorian in our relationships with those we are attracted to. "They knew something in those days" lol
This film resonate with me in great extent, though I was not involved online but in real life. I was a "therapist", a shoulder to cry on, emotional care taker, but was disposed in an ugly way as soon as I've started to expect reciprocity. I don't feel myself manipulative because i've stayed in that for so long, i was mosty driven by fear of loss, deeply attached, also, i truly cared for that person so i didn't want to feel like an egoist😂 this experience made me realize that I am avoidant as well. That I find hard to imagine living in true emotional closure. And that is why i need to share my input, my disagreement, to so much agression i see in a comments below. Empathy is a key. Many of us never truly experienced it, that is why we choose to waste our time on emotional vampires. But and the end of a day, emotional user is still a user and that has to be stated clearly. Not every avoidant is a user, not every avoidant will hurt you (prolongly at least). No one should never justify abuse "because you've ageed on that" - that sound bit psychopatic to me, sorry.
I did what the guy did to a friend, I was not sure if I wanted a relationship but it was getting overbearing and obvious that he was interested it was hard to ignore. He shared with me his trauma with rejection and I may have soured the friendship by giving him false hope that we could be a thing since I didn't have the heart to reject him outright. When I acknowledged his feelings I thought we were going to some sort of 'courting' phase (I thought we could build up the friendship further to evolve to romance) but apparently he jumped the gun and assumed we were already dating from then on. That was when things got too suffocating for me. Eventually I admitted I do not have those feelings for him and we have been no-contact since (except for his comments on my social media posts). I wish I could have handled this better to save us the heart break but this experience also taught me to voice out my discomfort more clearly when I have to.
Omg I this happen a couple of years ago, and he was just like this guy. I ended it quickly tho and I’m really proud of myself. But I got stuck in thinking that it was amazing. We laughed yeah, but truth was he was not available and his words were shit.
What I have going for me is a healthy lack of patience and understanding. 🙀 As a girl growing up in Brooklyn, NY, I was taught that if a boy kept me waiting more than 15 minutes on a street corner for a date, there’s nothing to discuss.
I somewhat agree, but this is kind of victim blaming/shaming…avoidants equals mindf@ They lure you on the merry go round. I know bc I’ve been there. But strong enough to get out. Though I have lots of empathy for this poor woman
I’m a guy reading through the comments here and this shit hurts. I’ve been single ever since my wife and I separated. For 4 years I would hook up with women casually and didn’t want anything serious, and for a while, it worked. Met a woman just after new years. She told me that she prefers to be in a monogamous relationship. She’s kind, sweet, vulnerable, outgoing, etc. all the attributes I guess you would say that I wanted to find in a partner. Someone that I can once again be vulnerable with. I told her that we should be together and she was very reluctant. When she first slept over at my house she said that she really didn’t need anyone and that she was only really interested in having sex and someone to go on nice dates with. I obliged because I wanted the same thing. Well almost the same thing. I really want to be loved and because she works a couple states over a few weeks at a time, I only really see her one week a month. When we’re together time slows down and I feel so at peace around her. When she’s gone she’s gone. It’s tough. Especially when I’m lonely. I want someone like her but more available, someone that has the ability to make a relationship somewhat of a priority. I find myself thinking man what if we were together for a long time and what if she were to become more available. And I don’t know if that day will ever come.
Good life example...People say nice to meet you but that's bs, no one really meets online, you can only connect. Digital connections, most are obvious scams, but they all die because they are just not comprehensive enough to be a relationship. Instantly disposable. To be anything, it has to transition to a physical connection. But huge risk of wasting time and energy.
He came out of a toxic rs n he calls himself secure rs type.. During one month of dating he disappeared like 5 or 6 times.... Twice he called me his ex during an argument n twice he flipped out.. Used my insecurities as weapon against me even though he's scared ppl would do it with him..n he loved being at my place all the time, but holding hands, kissing etc is way too close...
Yes, this is the situation I am in. It's hard for me to move on to a real in-person partner, even though that's what I need -- an in-person boyfriend. I have been with him for 2 years. He is monogamous to me.
You are so spot-on about everything, you are amazing! First video I'm watching of yours btw I love the comment about Victorian girls--you're so right XD
She sounds exactly like one of my friends and unfortunately I doubt she will listen, because I have tried to advise my friend for years! But she never listens because she can't accept it deep down and unfortunately real acceptance and change only happens when the person themselves wakes up and smells the roses independently.
The advice is tough and realistic but maybe we can be compassionate and say with limerence or any intense infatuation our brains are releasing chemicals that are not making us think straight. Also it's what makes us human but we need to be aware that we are creating an idealised version of someone, one without flaws, up on a pedestal and when they are on a screen that infatuation can become greatly exaggerated.
Just be grateful for the time you had together. All these advices sounds like there are so many men outhere who are mature, able to communicate, introspective bla bla. Honestly how many men you met like that? Or women. I wish it was that easy. You will find men who are "commited" to you, but still will cheat, or ignore you, or not give you the emotions you need. But yes, they are not avodiant. At least he was honest about his intentions. You had a beautiful friendship. You needed more, perfectly justified, you say thank you and goodby. I had men who were into me, i was not into them. And opposite. Nothing wrong about it. I just did not like them romantically. And its perfectly ok when someone does not like me romantically. My only sorrow is not finding more men i am interested in. If only....
Every morning & night video calls. Like WTF relationship or life s that. I m 40 this yr, i can't imagine doing that ever & there s noone who has been more traumatized than me. I have my own life NOW, goals that have NOTHING to do with a man, my own healing, 💵 manifestation i AIN'T got time chat with anyone on video calls nor energy to chat daily like that. Taking a break AGAIN frm dating or sex,, gonna revisit that next yr.
omg i know how this feels, i think it’s the daddy issues we have. My first bf was so clingy and i got bored of him. My recent ex is an avoidant and i’ve been the chaser lol. it’s like can there be a middle lol
I once read that we can't control who we fall in love with, distinguishing between real love and feeling in love. We can control what we do about it. A fake love will fizzle soon. What's the point of trying to make it real when all the signs are there.
Almost what happened to me.. but mine stayed 2.5 years made me believe he loved me, put on a mask the first 6 months.. only to discard me as soon as a better option came around... the discard was so harsh and cold that it put me into therapy.... well he posts on IG now that he is happy... my therapist made me realize that it was a trauma bond with a lot of manipulation and emotional abuse... all i was telling me was "its a phase" "he has some tough time"... bs... delulu land.. gave him my all on those years.. im sorry for his new rebound girl tho ngl well long story short, i am completely trashed and he is happy... yippie... Healing is weird
"Hope is the dope" is the best shorthand description of limerence I've ever heard. Thank you, Fairy , for telling us hard truths. I hope that the writer did not think the Fairy's advice was too tough. The truth is that we all needed to hear it too. Fairy tough love constantly reminds us that to get what we need, we need to get clear about what we want and see things as they really are.
Thank you for your comment!
Nika@TeamFairy
@@Thomassina1 I agree. They flirt and steal your energy easier. This happened with me. It put me back 2 years of self inflicted emotional torture. I see things clearer now and Anna’s channel had allot to do with that.
@@WhoisagerI’ve been through similar situation I’m now healing because of this information I’ve learnt!! 😊sending love 💗
Oooh this is 🔥👏
... And see things as they really are ... (Don't forget that)
Part of limerance is thinking you will never meet someone who actually prioritizes you, so you convince yourself to latch on to subpar "connections". If we believed we could find someone who loved us in a healthy way, we wouldn't keep trying to convince ourselves people who don't love us will change their minds.
Bingo.
I'm to the point I see love simply as a chemical reaction in the brain. Really makes it so much easier to detach and not get limerent
This is so spot on! Thank you for this. That is the one lesson I learnt for being in a relationship with an avoidant for ten years! Ten! It was torture and I wasted 10 years of my youth 😢
Yep! It just recently dawned on me as well. I had NEVER thought there could be someone else better.
So well said
she considered herself to be 'healed', and yet was attracted to exactly the same type of partner as her previous two partners.
we need to stop lying to ourselves in order to feel that we're worthy of love. you don't have to be 'healed' to be worthy of love, you can just be you.
Most beautiful words ever
:)
🗿
She considered that because people IRL and online say “you need to work on yourself” and constantly perpetuate that you won’t find love until you “healed” . I’ve experienced people tell me that and these same people in relationships are broken as hell… that’s actually when I realized it bull shit advice. Healing is not a reward for a relationship.
I'm not sure she was even able to understand she was lying to herself because she was in so much denial.😢
I was in a 2-year relationship with a dismissive avoidant, which was not unlike this scenario. Even if he calls you his girlfriend, brings flowers, and plans dates, the dynamic is the same. That relationship fed off of a deep longing I had- to keep longing. My ex would never want to discuss the relationship, make plans too far into the future, or stay over too many nights in a row. I was patient with his need for space and independence. It was the hardest breakup I've ever experienced because it was sudden and felt like it came out of nowhere. In hindsight, I realize that he was a ticking time bomb- and although he wanted a committed partner, his fear of intimacy always wins out.
I learned one thing through that relationship: Don't try and teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of your time, and it annoys the pig.
@alexandrabusgang778 the pig part...wow!
Yes don’t throw your pearls to swine👏🤍
same experience!!
Omg yes the “longing to keep longing” part. It’s like these kinds of relationships help us feel like there’s something more for us in this life and we feed off that negative energy and hope because it gives us purpose and belonging.
Don t try and teach à pig to sing. 😅🤣🤣🤣🤣 so good. Thank you
The real heartbreaking part of this is when you realize just how badly your own mind and emotions lied to you. Like am I insane? How could I be THIS wrong? You feel genuinely insane. It feels like WandaVision where she uses her powers to create and live in a world that doesn't exist to cope with her tragic reality. Except we are totally unaware we are doing it.
Omg yes the whole “hindsight is 20/20” thing messes me up so much sometimes. Like two years ago I was disassociating at my job because he hadn’t texted me back for 8 hours. Like wtf? Now he goes away for a month for marine work and I’m like “hell yeah now I can play video games in peace” 😂
I love your comment. I had a similar experience last year where I chased an unavailable man for months before I was forced to confront by a twist of fate that he never had any intention of being with me and was only using me for casual fun. I have spent the last 11 months or so questioning myself and feeling like I'm insane. It's not been easy at all, but there is hope! Therapy and learning self-compassion really help!
You need Christ. Life on Earth is short. Anyone who takes away precious seconds of your real life works for the dark side, face it!
I think we have to be careful about blaming the self for limerence, or any form of connection-seeking. We are wired for love by millions of years of evolution. We are not wired for attachment disorder (ours or theirs). Attachment trauma is very very recent, as a consequence of the loss of tribe and caregiver security.
We can learn a lot about how to deal with this dysfunctional world, but none of us should feel shame or inadequacy because we suffer.
No convincing, ladies. Never convince him to be with you.
Don’t be his friend if he’s not giving you the relationship you want, you don’t have time or energy to dedicate to him if you’re busy looking for a forever partner. Don’t be his counselor, that is not your job and he will use it if it’s free.
Thank you crappy childhood fairy!
This video is a great reminder ❤
A lot of women seem enamored of this 'detached' 'take it or leave it' attitude towards men. That's fine, but be prepared when men en masse choose to 'leave it.'
@@EmilyAdams-q1hThat is the point, the hovering around but never getting off the ground and making it stick do well to "leave en masse".
THOSE are not connections deserving of resources. You can re earn money spent, you can recuperate and have new energy, but your time can only be spent once and life is short.
✌️
@@EmilyAdams-q1h
Sounds like a win win situation if the non takers stop their hovering around and leave. Regardless of gender or orientation. Time is everyones most precious resource
✌️
Honestly at this point in time in society at large I think it's better for men and women (who are not in healthy relationships ) to spend time alone for a long period of time learn to love themselves alone before attempting to find life partners in order to not center or wrap their !entire! lives around their romantic partners .
@@EmilyAdams-q1hgood. You guys can all get each other off like you basically do metaphorically. Finally you can be with who you all really want to - your male friends :)
I really feel for this woman. I was in this type of situation as a guy. It's so so sad. You can have people around you that are a much better fit in every imaginable way, but you'll have zero feelings for them, while you're mind is completely obsessed with some person that will never love you.
That’s the situation I’m in. What to do.
@@blanketetet You've just done the most important first step, which is acceptance. Sorry you're in that place though
Said so perfectly, and then it makes me feel like there’s something wrong me then. A people pleaser. Ugh
I am in the same situation
"Can you get pass this idea that men just accidentally show up as unhealthy and unavailable, or can you see that you're choosing them?" "Be Victorian about friendships with men."
My favorite lines from this video.
@@NEbluefirepeople will go round and round to make sense out of their own fantasy!
“We have a superpower to see love where there is no love”
I think it’s part of people having the hope they need to survive. Even when surrounded by hopelessness. But the brain can lie to people.
My ex was dismissive avoidant. Moral of the story is these types of people will absolutely waste your time. Bread crumb you. String you along and will give you every excuse in the book. Run! Do not damage your mental health being with someone like that. They will absolutely drain you and leave you nothing more than a trembling shell of your former self.
If you’re attracting unavailable people you’re probably also emotionally unavailable. Isn’t that what the whole video is about?
@@Mmyythandleummm. I can be both emotionally unavailable and not be a user like DAs tend to be. They’re also highly manipulative and can pull the wool over the CPTSDers eyes.
Geezus.
So true ! The person I was with, I clearly told him In the beginning I'm not seeking love, and he was all over on me, until I could give him attention. He pleased, morphed himself,and later gathered so much resentment, that he was the only person doing everything. He had a brutal childhood because of his parents, and sought all his denied validation from me, I gave him my love and everything, and all he had was resentment, that he had to "work" so much for this relationship. Later he says, I don't know love because I never experienced and saw love. He talked about "spending 45 winters with me" before he even knew my name! It's damaging, throwing yourself on others unless you know what you get the best out of them, and leave.People can be dangerous in ways. I am still healing. @@Mmyythandle
They will not waste your time if you don’t allow it. Take responsibility! You stayed after he showed over and over and over that he wasn’t available
@@nathalian.7209 calm down.
I've been here multiple times ... It is so helpful hearing how delusional the other people sound. lol and I don't mean that as a criticism of them it's just wild when you can easily see it as delusional for someone else but you can't see that of yourself.
so true. And I feel pathetic with hindsight! Crazy how we hold on to whatever we are given 😳
@@smadm2437 100% relatable. It's sad. 💙
Right there with you. It's really sad how we treat ourselves. We should never put up with this kind of treatment.
@@smadm2437 I would not beat yourself up over it. I feel you. It's tough because they gave things to you in the beginning, but refuse to take the next steps, then you play this cat and mouse game that just destroys you.
@@smadm2437or not given. ☹️
I was in a similar situation for years and finally broke up with him :) I made friends in my community and realized how little my partner talked to me, supported me, and saw me. I was like, “I can find new friends who talk to me consistently and support me, why would I be with my boyfriend who I’m fighting tooth and nail to talk to me/move closer/spend time with me?”
This person was never her bf though.
@@Mmyythandle yes, true, but similar besides that. Same concept. Same way to get past it.
People do this all the time? Why? Many reasons. Because the are at some level of comfort, it's hard to change & they believe something is better than nothing. Lots don't want to do the work to become better to find someone better. Maybe changing their life to up chances to find someone more suitable would require uprooting their kids' life. Therapists will tell you virtually all our problems have to do with our feeling we aren't enough. That's an easy answer to a complex problem. Anna is reading letters & digging under the writer's explanation.
Quite frankly, many of us would be horrified to read our own life story. It takes a brave soul to admit their own dysfunction. But it takes an even higher level of courage to work consistently toward changing our circumstances. Change is not easy for the majority of us. In fact, it is extremely challenging.
You Tube is a blessing & a curse! Back in my day we didn't have this wealth of knowledge. YT provides all the help we need to identify & remedy our own dysfunction. If only we are willing to see it.
CPTSD is relatively new as a diiagnosis. As Anna has noted, definate similarities to PTSD, but with unique differences. We are just now seeing it written about & discussed in mainstream media. It took very little time watching her videos before I had an "Aha!" moment. . . The licensed "55 minute/$150 hr" licensed therapists diagnosed chronic depression & generalized anxiety. However, not one told me why or what to do about it. All any of them offered was a place to vent & an RX for antidepressants.
When someone says they don't want a relationship, it means they don't want to be vulnerable with you. This doesn't mean they won't happily accept your attention and validation, however, and that's where people with anxious attachment get confused. Happily accepting attention and validation from you does not imply they will ever want to give attention and validation back to you, which is what YOU need to balance your own efforts.
Also, speaking as an autistic person, I need to make it clear that implication does not exist -- only inference exists. Any message that is not explicitly stated and any intention that is not explicitly demonstrated through action, exists only as an inference in your mind. Neurotypicals believe implication exists because they share a broad range of social and cognitive norms that make it possible for them to infer meanings and intentions between each other with reasonable accuracy, which makes it look to them like implication exists, but it doesn't. If there is no evidence of something, it only exists in your imagination -- including the belief that if someone accepts your attention and validation, it means they are falling in love with you and will someday give back to you.
Implication DOES exist though. You absolutely can purposely imply something using tone or body language. The keyword there, however, is “purposeful”.
I want to first interject that I am diagnosed with both autism and adhd so this is not coming from a neurotypical pov.
Firstly, have you experienced limerence? Your post here suggest that you haven’t but I figured I would ask to be polite as I have no true way of knowing.
Secondly, if you have experienced limerence you would understand that most limerent people believe that their limerent object is just denying their true feelings for whatever reason. There is so much cognitive dissonance when it comes to limerence that it’s almost hard to put into words. The best way to describe it is how I have before: it’s an addiction. Your brains tells you lies to save you from a profound hurt. The limerent person knows deep down their limerent object doesn’t love them. They cling on to whatever source of hope they can get from their L.O. which means they are most likely resorting to dissecting every word, body language, and action performed by their L.O. It’s completely illogical and something that is almost impossible to reason with.
Basically in the limerent mind it is “if I accept that this person doesn’t and will not ever love me then I will never be happy again/ never love anyone again/ never find anyone who loves me again/die.”
Like I say, it’s an addiction; this type of logic is SOUND but it doesn’t apply. Imagine telling a crack addict that they’re only addicted to crack because they aren’t autistic and can’t see that it’s just little white rocks and if you just didn’t smoke it you’d be fine.
@@happy583xox : No, implication does not exist, not outside of your own imagination anyway. You may intend for a subtextual message to be inferred, but you cannot guarantee it will be inferred correctly, or at all.
@@deusexaethera I am not sure if I am autistic, but 10 to 1 I am not neurotypical. I get this. Your opinion holds weight for me. There is also the paradox, we can hold more than one truth at once. However it is illuminating in regards to the dellusional of limerence to make sure one is reorienting to what is concrete and factual, rather than hanging off of what could be implied. So perhaps it is looking at; What is the more true statement? The mind plays tricks on itself in limerence...so the more we can deal with information in a concrete manner, then the better off we may be.
Oh, God! this hit so hard... 😢
Also: *Limerence is a denial of today.*
she was willing to go above and beyond for him and he literally gave her NOTHING????! He basically used her to dump all his trauma.
not uncommon unfortunately 😔
He didn’t give her nothing, he gave her non-romantic friendship. It just was not what she wanted.
I would be MUCH harder on him if he hadn’t very clearly & repeatedly stated what he didn’t want. The woman is an autonomous being we repeatedly accepted the non-romantic terms laid out for their relationship.
I’m not saying the man is completely without fault, but there are 2 sides to this street.
Yes basically trauma dumping on her and because she convinced herself he liked her and gave her attention she was “happy”. It comes from a childhood of neglect, because any attention is good attention even if you can’t get what you want or need 😢
Good observation. Beware of 1-way relationships.
Likely testing her to see if she is easily manipulated.
I could have written this letter a few years ago 😆 i was in a similar situation, and in retrospect it’s crazy how much i saw it as “complicated” when really it was simple-the truth just ruined my fantasy so i twisted it until i could ignore the reality. I also didn’t see it at the time, but I DEFINITELY was drawn to this weird, online, distant relationship over a normal one that would be too scary and vulnerable.
I’m so glad i eventually cut off that relationship (even as a friend), and i agree that was necessary for me to fully move on. I’m happy to report now that i’m in a healthy, happy, committed relationship with someone who actually lives in my city 😂
Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Love this❤
Sometimes you have to learn how to love something that is actually good for you. We, traumatized individuals have a tendency to settle for (or even long for) things and persons that are actually bad for us. It takes time and a lot of effort to heal and to learn that we have every right to love someone who reciprocates that love, in essence to love someone who is good for us. Avoidants definitely do not fall into that category IMO.
It’s amazing how much people learn to crap fit, isn’t it?
Limerence isn’t a “kind of addiction” it IS an addiction. It can sound so sweet, real you in, sing nice, comforting songs, just like a Siren, but Limerence is really a curse. It’s a cancer. Once it starts, it’s so hard to stop. It’s exhausting. It sucks up your time and mental energy, so much so, that you do NOT have time for anything else, bc why would you wanna face real life, when you can just escape in your own fantasy land? That’s what the mind does. The mind is so, SO powerful, it’s like a trickster.
But, it’s not your fault. If you were constantly rejected by people your age, like I did, you’re not a “bad person.” Don’t be so hard on yourself. Yes, it’s hard, it’s painful. Exhausting even. I know this for a fact. I just cut off a long distance old HS friend, just three months ago, and before that, I cut off someone who I thought was a “friend,” but it just turned out that they were just your neighborhood energy vampire. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. I cut them off maybe about a year and this latest one didn’t even last that long; only 8 months. So, unfortunately, I do have experience with this. I’m tryin to get help myself, but admitting that you have a Limerence for someone is the hardest step, and I’m still trying to escape my own dreamland.
Remember that the mind is strong, but you are stronger!
yeah it's tiring 😢
Exactly!! Limerent is an actual addiction in so many ways. One thing I don’t see a lot of people talk about is how it can destroy every other relationship in your life because you’re a wreck of your former self who can’t stop talking about/ crying over your limerent object. It didn’t happen to me, thank god, but I could totally see how someone could even lose a job because of it.
I'm a woman and I'm FA and I have commitment phobia, it is so strong I feel like sufocating (feel sick for real) everytime men start to want more from me. The only type of men I feel like being around are other avoidants because I feel bad about hurting ppl, they are the only ones to give me lots of space, but at the same time these relationships never blossom in the way Id like to. I'm phobic but deep inside Id like to have a normal love life.
Now I'm almost in a "normal" relationship, but I'm still creating excuses, space and lots of rules, he is a little bit avoidant as well, but we are moving slow and things are improving.
The phobia is real, I never dated, I get physically sick thinking about me being in a relationship, the problem is the guys that are interested in me are not that bad, but the idea of intmacy scares the hell out of me.. I gave up honestly and accepted my fate, it's not like I want to be someone's wife so bad or anything, I'll not be hurting others when I know that I have a big issue like that.
@@lookaroundyou8108 I know, I see ppl around me and I think: why is it so hard for me??? It seems effortless for them! A sad update: my almost normal relationship is already over, and it ended abruptly as always. I'm not angry with him, but don't feel like talking to him either. Weird situation again...
@@A.l.a.c. am so sorry, I hope you'll find the relationship you desire where you feel safe and happy
@@lookaroundyou8108 thank you, I wish you the same!
WHY ARE WE LIKE THIS. I MEAN I KNOW BUT JESUS LOL. I NEED REAL LOVE AND TO BE HEALED.
Ya, right? And the answer is parents who are unavailable, or stressed, or who repeat their own insecure attachment pattern. Love is where we heal. Unfortunately, the level of attachment trauma is at epidemic levels.
I think the only solution of for all of us to seek connection IRL. Not online, and not withdrawing into "self-love".
I must say that your content hits so perfectly. How are you able to make content that completely defines the issues I have? Some days I have been moved to tears by the fact that someone has been able to help me understand why I've done some of the things I have. What I love most is that you always give us ways to live life while actively dealing with issues. Thank you, crappy childhood fairy. I am so grateful for the work you are doing.
OR doesn't outright reject you, but string along for years, w/o commitment! NO LADIES! IT'S YOU, NOT HIM! Do the work.
The point is literally...is both of them. The point is that it's both of them.
@@joybronson1612 But we can only control what WE do, and the distraction of the other is what keeps so many locked in the struggle.
The problem is not only limmerant women, its tlhe abusive manipulative men that tell you one thing and the other with their gaslighting and confusing language where they tell you you are their perfect match one day and the opposite next day and go back and forth with that intermittent reward, even a safe attachment gets confused with them and their selfish behaviour
Avoid avoid avoid if they reject you avoid keep moving peroid
We can bash her all day and point out her flaws, BUT WE ALSO HAVE TO CALL OUT people who take advantage of people doing this. Like if you’re not interested and their not getting the hint and cut them off completely
"that's psycho-babble for being a codependent sponge for somebody" 🎯🎯🎯🎯
☝️ unhelpful and pejorative.
@@michaelwensleyhard truths need to be told! It is what it is, face it or stay delusional
“Holding space” is a legit phrase, but her point here is that the writer was going overboard with the psychology references & applying unhealthy maladaptive behavior to them.
All of it points to her self delusion, albeit helped along by a parasitic “friend.”
@@michaelwensley I agree with you. She could be more compassionate and kinder in her delivery. For instance explain when and how the term holding space is used and how exactly she's misusing it here.
@@shadypotato9780so you value vague niceties instead of direct communication? sounds like you are the problem. psychology is already convoluted and unhelpful for people, so why are you villainizing a creator who has helped more ppl than the avg psychologist/talk therapist? if youre serious about your point of view, PROVE IT. how would YOU have phrased it? tell us. 😊 since you know better, prove it.
Although I can't dismiss
the mem'ry of his kiss
I guess that he is not
and will never be
for me.
- George Gershwin
LIMERENCE:
'THE VAMPIRE YOU SIGNED UP FOR" ( she did not exactly say this in this clip, but Limerence itself is the vamp.)
So I don’t think these people are necessarily that bad to have their feelings because feelings and emotions are not controllable. It’s the actions that are controllable.
They do not have any regard for the people that they are holding back from being in healthy, thriving relationships and this makes them very selfish and self-centered, so might even say narcissistic they’re trying to get their needs met in an aggressive way instead of in a assertive way.
It should be imperative that schools teach psychology sociology, because these types of relationships are becoming more and more common and people cannot read the signs of attachment, personality styles.
If this woman did identify as a secure attached personality style, she would not have been attracted to him in the first place however, she was familiar with his personality because of her previous relationships. It felt comfortable for her.
He took advantage of that situation to continue his toxic behavior.
That’s why it’s so important to educate yourself, and know exactly what your core values are both in compatibility and in chemistry because they’re two differently categorized things to consider.
Make a master list and then take your top five for each and don’t straight from those. If you don’t have all five present, you’re not in Love you are in Limerence and there is a huge difference.
In love, you’re in love with the person and in Limerence you’re in love with the fantasy.
Wow, revelation! "If only..." thoughts are avoidance? 🤯
"If only" can come up in all kinds of life situations/areas, not just romantic scenarios.
I used to have a lot of "if onlys" a couple of years ago, but I reduced them because they felt like a fantasy and I didn't want to live in fantasy, I wanted to live in reality.
But I do have a few (new) "only ifs" that come in the form of "if only the world was a safer/better place" and "if only people were more honest" or "if only I had not become entangled with the abuser", etc. 😔
I will try to drop this thinking! 🙏🏻 Thanks Anna... 💗
20 years of research and introspection and i could never figure myself out. So many failed relationships. The last one a woman i wasnt initially interested in wanted me to be her friend with benefits. Once she told me about her traumas it clicked and she was the one. She didnt want me more than a drinking friend so for 5 years i hung out with her on weekends got drunk with her had sex with her and it absolutely destroyed me. I would be horribly despressed all week because i had to accept reality. Until the weekend again and i could live my fantasy of her being the one and that i could have her one day. I put her on the highest of pedestals like all the girls before her. Eventually i cut it off but 4 years have gone by and i thought about her all day every day. I wish i knew what limerence was long ago.
Limerence is a protection.
@puabi666 the 666 in your handle leads me to believe that like me at one time you are confused about a great many things.
I have had unrequited feelings for male friends & vice versa. I find it incredibly manipulative when a male friend hangs onto hope when I have given a clear no. If that isn’t something they are capable of handling while continuing the friendship, I expect them to take ownership of that (& I always make it clear that I would not get upset). If the position is reversed, I either take a break or end the friendship if need be, but do not consider it the man’s responsibility to know what is best for ME. I must respect their no. And I do not assume that ‘no’ has become a ‘yes’ unless they *explicitly* tell me so.
I think it’s such a shame that we have so little male/female friendship in N America because we don’t handle these issues directly & respectfully. I think mixed gendered friendship is incredibly enriching & special because you both have inherently different views of the world.
Been there, done that. Most unfulfilled experience ever.
Codependents do not like "healthy from the start." They prefer you "show up broken and heal THROUGH the relationship." This is romanticized and eroticized this notion. And this is why healthy, available partners that are right under their nose are not interesting to them. They want to be in a fixer role. Always.
Sasha doesn't see her own pattern here..
He was in control of the relationship, she was on his back and call. For him it was safe, he could put it in a box the shape of a screen. The relationship was one dimensional. She was his therapist/confidant not the same as a partner you spend your life with, that's way more challanging. He didn't cared about her emotional needs. She was confussed. He got defensive when she was struggeling with the fact that he didn't felt the same about her. It was the same lesson she still needs to learn, she was mislead by the amount of time he was investing and his personal sharing. It seemed different because of that, but she again pulled on the short end. His devotion was towards his goal not towards her. She isn't used to a lot, that's her default. I hope sooner than later she will experience what true intimacy and love looks and feels like.
Anna, thanks for this video. I couldnt agree more. I was in a very similar textationship with a man on the other side of the country. I lied to myself a lot about what was really going on. Everything you said to this woman, I have said to myself as part of my healing process. Love you and all you do!
Thank you for being here and for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@staceylynn7749 you wouldn’t happen to live in SA do you? Maybe we spoke to the same guy 😅. Bless it.
Mine had the guts to say that I HAD A HUGE EGO just because I didn't want to stay just friends, the level of gaslighting goes beyond limits, and they do it so good that I did believe i had a big ego for that, still i chose it for my health and sanity
In the past I looked for " hidden meaning " 😢 very Neurotic thing, very self-harming...I'm glad I healed from it. It's a waste of time, energy and it's very painful to get stuck like that/ in denial.
Same thing kinda happened to me. Met when we were 15 and 14 (now 32 and 31) on the internet, from two different countries. Except he came visit me less than a year ago TWICE, two months apart before dumping me for another avoidant he originally swore he only loved as a friend 🤦♀️ i feel groomed and swindled.
Sorry, I'm not dealing with someone who is avoiding and dismissing me. I can't believe they call it an attachment style!
Exactly it’s just a new way to justify narcissistic abuse
@@joanbaczek2575totally agree
Yea personally i feel it’s more like “ im using you for attention when im bored” and ppl think its an avoidant attachment so they dont have to accept the person just doesn’t like you
This really spoke to me because it happened to me. I was sooo in love with him. I recently found out that avoidants love long distance relationships and this was one. He said he loved me but he friend zoned me a lot and then got intimate and then friend zoned, it was confusing. We were talking about moving to the same country. He asked me to marry him, I said yes. Then he cheated and told me about it like I was one of his bros. He broke me into pieces. He never apologized and told me I was being sensitive. Trying to move on and be okay , it's hard... I'm not sure I will ever date again.😢
Your advice is very good and I learned a lot from the similar situation we all going through!! THANK YOU SO much for your work and the way you explaining is great!! Keep up your great work and I am learning a lot from your channel!
I think this guy was mirroring and playing with her.
Men tend to do this
Youre so wonderful Crappy Childhood Fairy! You articulate so well the lack people have in their lives. So many people lack self love.
I don’t think you can help who you have feelings for or are attracted to but you can control who you gove your time and energy. I’m FA and true to form I like a guy I know doesn’t want a relationship. I can’t turn off the attraction but I also don’t talk to him outside work. Sometimes I worry about how much I think of him and that it’ll prevent me from meeting someone but no way I’d spend hours on the phone for over a year with him. No such thing as fully healed but I think I’ve made progress by at least knowing not to expect or pursue a romantic relationship with someone who flat out said doesn’t want one. Not gonna lie I fantasize about it but I don’t think only traumatized ppl do that. Now I just need to be attracted to someone who wants me instead of feeling suffocated when they do 🤦🏽♀️
After going through a somewhat similar situation to op I am now utterly repulsed by the idea of anyone being interested in me. I feel like I don't even deserve love. Of any kind, really. & with that much healing work to do you will not catch me trying to be in a relationship anyways. That's how people get hurt and I refuse to hurt them like that. The thought terrifies me. Yet I crave the idea of a relationship like air.
Same 💔
Holding space for someone is a term I learned when I did my “urban Zen yoga course”…. It’s a gift to be able to do that for someone in your life. And if they can’t do it for you, they’re not your friend. They’re not your loved one.!
Thank you for this video. I was in a similar situation with a woman. We were actually together for a short time. She was a lovebomber (I learned the term after that) and I gave it a change. I fell hard for her, but checked every day the boxes. What do I want, what does she want, is it aligned? What are my values, what are her values, are they aligned? What are my boundaries, what are hers, are we communicating them clearly? It checked all out. The relationship was heavy focused on her, but it was all fresh. Adjustment to a new routine is hard. It can be that way. I was a bit reluctant in the beginning (I was hurt a lot), but she said all the right things. Did the right things, was vulnerable, open, well-adjusted, and she didn't just copy me. We started to make plans, all seemed to be wonderful. I was between jobs, she suggested looking for a job a bit closer to her. After some time, she offered that I can move in a little while. That seemed fast to me, and I didn't say yes immediately. She asked several times, until I gave in and agreed to eventually move in. In a few months. But then her behavior changed in a matter of three days. And then her life goals practically change overnight, she sends me home, and it was over three days later. She said she was never single for more than three months. She needed to be single for a while to figure out who she is. In a way, I think I therapized her by accident, as we had very deep talks about our lives and past. She really said she wanted all of it, and that her feelings for me were real. That she wanted me, but she couldn't. Which was bullshit, if you want me, come and get me. I was offering, I was available, I was fine with discussing new life goals and adjusting as long as they weren't conflicting to my own. And her new ideas were completely reasonable and doable. They really were fine with what I wanted to do. I was even a bit excited. As she heard that, and I explained what I meant, she suddenly said, that she doesn't want to make decisions with another person in the back of her mind depending on her. I genuinely wasn't depending on her. I was independent. I just offered support. Fact was, she just didn't want me anymore. I was a toy for a few months and as she had been she needed, she did a terrible job ditching me, because, for the first time, in my life, I was too at least 90 % securely attached in a relationship. Knowing what I wanted, ready to walk away, but I just wasn't pushed to that point yet. I still thought, this was doable, with actually low effort. But her story kept changing and expanding, until it was obvious, that she wore a mask, dropped it, and suddenly there was a new person.
I was sure, that it wasn't limerence, because I was plainly aware about her flaws. It wasn't just the feelings, the sex, the deep talks and the feeling of belonging that I miss. I genuinely miss her, with all her problems and her strengths. But it was a facade. It wasn't real. That was months ago, and I still think about her. I'm in mourning about what could have been, now knowing that it was doomed from the start. BUT I learned so much from it. I know now what I want. I made real progress in everything since them and used the chance to grow. My next relationship will be better. Maybe I even find the one. But if not, no biggie. I keep looking, learning, and be the positive power in my life and the life of others, respecting my boundaries and wishes for myself. And if someone around me wants to be a part of my life, and I want to be in hers, let's try it. I'm open to it.
Hope the life gives you what you really need and find your other half. Big hug stranger. Keep an eye out and she will come along
This reflects my most recent experience very closely. I'm glad that you are recovering.
This letter was me 3 years ago except he def said he didn't want a relationship, but didn't open up either. At least you got vulnerability. I didn't get anything an actually thought it had potential lolol I deluded myself so deeply, I'm still healing from it and I only saw them in person less than 10 times. I still can't talk about it face to face. Makes me cry but I learned a lot of lesson and I tell you what. I have not felt as much hurt as I did since I decided to live in reality. I've trained my brain to the point when I start subconsciously being limerent again I start crying lol if it felt good I wouldn't cry so now I'm picking up on when I start being in fantasy land. I much prefer 2 feet on the ground but I've also found the more I heal the less I believe love is anything more than a chemical reaction
That’s incredibly strong of you to see the learning in a life-changing situation…..and not succumb to blame or negativity…
🙌
We sometimes look too deep where in reality there's no depth.
Sometimes limerence is just like the latest song you've heard, it's in your head, but it means nothing. The mind just plays it on repeat.
Or like a chewing gum that you forgot to spit. It's there, no flavor, no texture, no pleasure, just a mindless automatic chew.
If you're obsessing over an ex, you're actually obsessing over the lost dream. You don't want that particular person, you want the dream and just play it on repeat with the latest action figure.
The bottom line is that if we are not together, then we don't belong together. It's that simple and clean, but we enjoy labirinths and mess 🙂 Suffering is addictive and easy to roll with, while well-being is a weak muscle that needs training 🤗
I wish you were there for me in 2020 where I was going through a pretty similar relationship.
Same 2020 broke me
The hook for someone who was rejected is: If they manage to get THAT one, who avoids being available, then it's safe. But it isn't.
I am so grateful for your channel. I have a crazy limerence while being on this very healthy relationship and everytime I listen to one of your videos it slaps me back into reality.
That’s not a secure attachment but fearful avoidant 😢 so recognizing 💔
I love the candid tough fairy in this. I was in dating situation for a short time that now I can see included limerence on my part. Excerpt from a poem (to help me wake up out of that rose-tinted trance!):
An inner sentinel steps in, Whoa- Keep your eye on the prize!
Do not settle for just crumbs that taste good on your thumbs, but are not what you deserve.
Remember your vow to choose “reciprocity with a soulmate who honors me
and the higher LOVE we both serve”
We want you to receive your king who shall cherish and honor your radiance,
and you will have no doubt of his adoration, and mutual admiration.
@Marianinspired I really liked the part: "who shall cherish and honor your radiance, and you will have no doubt of his adoration, and mutual admiration." There is no faking when someone is genuinely interested in us...they are consistent and considerate. Thank you very much for the excerpt.
Pretencious guff! 😂😅 So glad I'm not American... Are there any American guys who are not narky - parkies?
My situation is eerily similar, besides not saying he wasn't interested. Got love bombed, overlooked the flaming red flags. He'd say everything I wanted to hear, but his actions too often didn't match his words or promises. I even visited him in person, but that's a whole other story... It felt like you were speaking to me directly and it was just what I needed. Thank you, omfg
Finally!!!! Someone that says otherwise like it is!!! I can’t thank you enough for your video! I’ve been searching for answers for my marriage as my husband was diagnosed with APD. He’s passed away now and has left me with so many questions that your video is perfectly answering!
Glad the video was helpful. Take care!
Nika@TeamFairy
Ohhhh this makes perfect sense. I'm angry at myself for not accepting this when it was happening. I knew I was a fantasy but I wished I wasn't and went along with it. He did make plans with me, he was very romantic, seemingly very into me. Then when it came down to execution he missed his flight. Six months of talking beforehand, then two weeks after his missed flight he kinda dropped off and lost interest. I got the sense he was talking to someone else and ended it. Some guys are just saying empty words, and I think we were both comfortable living in a dream instead of reality.
When someone describes their relationship with so much psychological jargon, it's an appeal to authority and disingenuous. These are the types that seek out couples therapy with the aim of winning the therapist over and weaponising them against their partner.
Ouch that was harsh
It’s honestly worse to not face reality
@@loveinthematrix agreed
I'm dealing with the exact same thing. I need to tattoo this video on my forehead!!
Thank you for this one. it's really true. That is a man who wants a girlfriend, but just not her. Many women, and men for that matter, experience this online. People are way more easily able to be aloof online while drawing ever closer and sucking up more of your time.
I worked for a few years, dedicating myself to understanding what self-love actually meant and taking action toward loving myself more. Eventually I overcame limerence. I love myself too much now to let anything else but love touch me. When it tries, its as if my whole inner being tenses up and rejects it instantaneously. BAM!
Same situation here. I get It Anna, I'm aware of everything you said from almost day one ( after a month precisely) and I've tried to end the " situationship many many times but he always come back and so I've opened the door. My fault Is to be a sort of avoidant/limerent person, his fault Is worst though. If I'm not into someone, I leave sooner as I could.
I'm a little bit tired to listen that I am weak and naive because I've develop feelings for him. He used me for years.
I had a rather complex experience. We dated, and initially, I wasn't strongly attracted to her because her behavior-mirroring me, constantly pleasing me, and pursuing me a way I couldn’t have time to chase in return. So, I guarded my heart and didn't fall in love. She expressed having a crush on me. Months later, she claimed our relationship wasn't helping her heal, despite its seemingly smooth course. She then switched to a loving demeanor before abruptly ending things. As I slowly developed deeper feelings, I discovered she was already seeing her ex and has now moved on with someone else, publicly declaring she needs to make better choices. I believe this narrative is a perfect way to appear a victim. While I always slow things down not to be a teenage crush.
She has BPD.
I'm glad I protected my heart. From her perspective, I might seem like the villain, but I was faithful and committed while maintaining my guard.
That saved me. While it's essential to be loved in return, it's equally important not to engage in unhealthy dynamics. I consistently tried to correct her behavior, both when she idolized and devalued me
It’s crazy that this was recommended to me and I’m going through almost the exact same situation 😅 the rejection because of long distance, the relying on each other and flirting like partners which switches on and off, the avoidance. It all just makes me feel crazy, like I’m making up everything in my head, especially since we only talk online. You said that we should just go no-contact when we have one-sided feelings but my problem is that I have NO other friends, and I’ve never talked with someone who understands me to this extent, I feel like if I stepped away I would be taking away a part of me..
Man, I really wish I'd heard about limerance 6 years ago. I wasted my 20s on a man that exploited & gaslit me so he wouldn't have to have hard conversations/deal with breaking yo with me, but still get sex consistently.
I'm now actually in a healthy relationship, I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with this man. I have truly, truly not ever had a happiness like this. But I'm still coming to understand how all those things happened in what I now know was a limerant episode.
She's expecting someone to change right at the beginning.
Right! I've read somewhere (can't quite remember where ) Never date/marry someone for their potential, as good as it is to level up in life if they never reach that supposed potential you need to know that you will still be content with the person you chose since the beginning.
You said in a previous video that you had a successful comedy gig and it really came through in this video. I laughed at you telling us to be Victorian in our relationships with those we are attracted to. "They knew something in those days" lol
This film resonate with me in great extent, though I was not involved online but in real life. I was a "therapist", a shoulder to cry on, emotional care taker, but was disposed in an ugly way as soon as I've started to expect reciprocity. I don't feel myself manipulative because i've stayed in that for so long, i was mosty driven by fear of loss, deeply attached, also, i truly cared for that person so i didn't want to feel like an egoist😂 this experience made me realize that I am avoidant as well. That I find hard to imagine living in true emotional closure. And that is why i need to share my input, my disagreement, to so much agression i see in a comments below. Empathy is a key. Many of us never truly experienced it, that is why we choose to waste our time on emotional vampires. But and the end of a day, emotional user is still a user and that has to be stated clearly. Not every avoidant is a user, not every avoidant will hurt you (prolongly at least). No one should never justify abuse "because you've ageed on that" - that sound bit psychopatic to me, sorry.
I did what the guy did to a friend, I was not sure if I wanted a relationship but it was getting overbearing and obvious that he was interested it was hard to ignore. He shared with me his trauma with rejection and I may have soured the friendship by giving him false hope that we could be a thing since I didn't have the heart to reject him outright. When I acknowledged his feelings I thought we were going to some sort of 'courting' phase (I thought we could build up the friendship further to evolve to romance) but apparently he jumped the gun and assumed we were already dating from then on. That was when things got too suffocating for me. Eventually I admitted I do not have those feelings for him and we have been no-contact since (except for his comments on my social media posts). I wish I could have handled this better to save us the heart break but this experience also taught me to voice out my discomfort more clearly when I have to.
Omg I this happen a couple of years ago, and he was just like this guy. I ended it quickly tho and I’m really proud of myself. But I got stuck in thinking that it was amazing. We laughed yeah, but truth was he was not available and his words were shit.
Putting crumbs together to make a little loaf & thinking that’s good enough 😿
Healing our childhood wounds can help heal the whole world ❤️🩹
Oh man. Such a reality check at just the right time. Thank you so much for this
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
What I have going for me is a healthy lack of patience and understanding. 🙀 As a girl growing up in Brooklyn, NY, I was taught that if a boy kept me waiting more than 15 minutes on a street corner for a date, there’s nothing to discuss.
The guy sounds married!
I somewhat agree, but this is kind of victim blaming/shaming…avoidants equals mindf@ They lure you on the merry go round. I know bc I’ve been there. But strong enough to get out. Though I have lots of empathy for this poor woman
I’m a guy reading through the comments here and this shit hurts. I’ve been single ever since my wife and I separated. For 4 years I would hook up with women casually and didn’t want anything serious, and for a while, it worked. Met a woman just after new years. She told me that she prefers to be in a monogamous relationship. She’s kind, sweet, vulnerable, outgoing, etc. all the attributes I guess you would say that I wanted to find in a partner. Someone that I can once again be vulnerable with. I told her that we should be together and she was very reluctant. When she first slept over at my house she said that she really didn’t need anyone and that she was only really interested in having sex and someone to go on nice dates with. I obliged because I wanted the same thing. Well almost the same thing. I really want to be loved and because she works a couple states over a few weeks at a time, I only really see her one week a month. When we’re together time slows down and I feel so at peace around her. When she’s gone she’s gone. It’s tough. Especially when I’m lonely. I want someone like her but more available, someone that has the ability to make a relationship somewhat of a priority. I find myself thinking man what if we were together for a long time and what if she were to become more available. And I don’t know if that day will ever come.
Living in what if is a type of fantasy. You need to talk to her about it and clarify how she feels and what she willing to do
@@joanbaczek2575 update: I did! Got some clarity on what we both wanted.
Good life example...People say nice to meet you but that's bs, no one really meets online, you can only connect. Digital connections, most are obvious scams, but they all die because they are just not comprehensive enough to be a relationship. Instantly disposable. To be anything, it has to transition to a physical connection. But huge risk of wasting time and energy.
He came out of a toxic rs n he calls himself secure rs type.. During one month of dating he disappeared like 5 or 6 times.... Twice he called me his ex during an argument n twice he flipped out.. Used my insecurities as weapon against me even though he's scared ppl would do it with him..n he loved being at my place all the time, but holding hands, kissing etc is way too close...
Yes, this is the situation I am in. It's hard for me to move on to a real in-person partner, even though that's what I need -- an in-person boyfriend. I have been with him for 2 years. He is monogamous to me.
Thank you so so much, I'm newly single and learning a lot about choosing the right partner next time. Your videos are very much appreciated ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Needed this. Thank you Anna🩵
Great video! Thanks for laying it on the line.
You are so spot-on about everything, you are amazing! First video I'm watching of yours btw
I love the comment about Victorian girls--you're so right XD
Thank you for taking the time to comment! Glad you enjoyed the video.
Nika@TeamFairy
Haha that's 100% what I've been going through. She's been chasing a relationship that'll never happen.
She sounds exactly like one of my friends and unfortunately I doubt she will listen, because I have tried to advise my friend for years! But she never listens because she can't accept it deep down and unfortunately real acceptance and change only happens when the person themselves wakes up and smells the roses independently.
Does her actual energy, vibe and personality match these people she's attracted to? 🤔
@@narlywaves2371 she's a sweet but naïve girl and she attracts jerks idk why
She prepared him for the one to come, not her.
That's exactly what I needed right now! Thank you!
The advice is tough and realistic but maybe we can be compassionate and say with limerence or any intense infatuation our brains are releasing chemicals that are not making us think straight. Also it's what makes us human but we need to be aware that we are creating an idealised version of someone, one without flaws, up on a pedestal and when they are on a screen that infatuation can become greatly exaggerated.
Just be grateful for the time you had together. All these advices sounds like there are so many men outhere who are mature, able to communicate, introspective bla bla. Honestly how many men you met like that? Or women. I wish it was that easy. You will find men who are "commited" to you, but still will cheat, or ignore you, or not give you the emotions you need. But yes, they are not avodiant. At least he was honest about his intentions. You had a beautiful friendship. You needed more, perfectly justified, you say thank you and goodby. I had men who were into me, i was not into them. And opposite. Nothing wrong about it. I just did not like them romantically. And its perfectly ok when someone does not like me romantically. My only sorrow is not finding more men i am interested in. If only....
Every morning & night video calls. Like WTF relationship or life s that. I m 40 this yr, i can't imagine doing that ever & there s noone who has been more traumatized than me. I have my own life NOW, goals that have NOTHING to do with a man, my own healing, 💵 manifestation i AIN'T got time chat with anyone on video calls nor energy to chat daily like that. Taking a break AGAIN frm dating or sex,, gonna revisit that next yr.
Thanks, I love this and it snaps you back into reality
omg i know how this feels, i think it’s the daddy issues we have. My first bf was so clingy and i got bored of him. My recent ex is an avoidant and i’ve been the chaser lol. it’s like can there be a middle lol
Welp, needed to hear 👂🏻 Thanks, Anna
I've heard of romance and dalliance but never about limerence.
I've never had a dalliance that lead to romance so I suffer from dalliance!
Thankyou!
Glad it was helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
21:22 - What if you’re attracted to both men and women..?
This story reminds me of what happened with Jodi Arias. SCARY to play with peoples emotions..
I once read that we can't control who we fall in love with, distinguishing between real love and feeling in love. We can control what we do about it. A fake love will fizzle soon. What's the point of trying to make it real when all the signs are there.
Almost what happened to me.. but mine stayed 2.5 years made me believe he loved me, put on a mask the first 6 months.. only to discard me as soon as a better option came around... the discard was so harsh and cold that it put me into therapy.... well he posts on IG now that he is happy... my therapist made me realize that it was a trauma bond with a lot of manipulation and emotional abuse... all i was telling me was "its a phase" "he has some tough time"... bs... delulu land.. gave him my all on those years.. im sorry for his new rebound girl tho ngl
well long story short, i am completely trashed and he is happy... yippie...
Healing is weird
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. We're all rooting for you!
Nika@TeamFairy
He ain't happy. Give it time...
no need of a person by my side and limerence is better than reality.