The 4 Stages of Limerence (and the affair).
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 3 ต.ค. 2024
- Limerence feels good, until it doesn't.
And, usually limerence plays out in 4 stages.
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[I offer personal counseling with a scheduled appointment or on an "emergency" basis.
For my help, please contact me: fennavdberg@hotmail.com]
Hello!
My name is Fenna van den Berg, I am a certified coach and counselor. I have worked in the mental health field for over 25 years.
Having been through episodes of Limerence, I have "earned my stripes" to help others with their recovery. I understand the obsession and suffering of Limerence. My passion is being able to share with you, and all limerents, a guided-way forward on your journey of healing. We do this through discovering and practicing self-love and compassion. As someone who has suffered through limerence, I have developed effective coaching for people with limerence. My Coaching has helped countless have a more purposeful life, and I want to help you. We will work together, so that you may have a life more in line with your values and integrity.
Together, we are blossoming a community of friendly people with the same debilitating feelings and experiences of Limerence. Here, we share with, support, and nurture each other in giving love to ourselves, perhaps for the first time.
When you’re ready to end your pain and suffering from seeking the "Other," I’m here to guide you in recognizing your true lovable self, with compassionate teaching, counseling and also private coaching.
For my help, please contact me: fennavdberg@hotmail.com
My editor is the best!! : Heymel Visual
Graphics: Studio Ilse van Klei ilsevanklei.nl/
Thank you, thank you 🙏 ❤ Your videos bring my back to reality 🎉
It’s so true - limerence is like a virus- it really needs to just run it’s course. I don’t know that I could’ve gone Nc until I was ready- about 30 months.. it was awful but I learned so much. I never ever want to experience it again.
I'm at 30 months and I feel like I'm at a cross road. Would you be willing to talk with me please? I desperately need someone who understands 🙏 @gwen8718
Diddo!
We have a heavenly Father who leaves nothing to coincidence!
I worked on myself in the last 3 years and finally asked out my limerent object. He was one of the many limerent objects I had since childhood. I was a very lonely child. I had very few friends. Both my parents were working for a living and they couldn't spend much time with me. So the fantasies kept me company.
This limerance episode of mine is different from all other limerance episodes because I knew this person and I became friends with him. Until I told him I liked him we were going well. After that or somewhere before it, I was probably infatuated with him and I started being shy.
I asked him out twice and he said no. Now that I look back, I didn't know him. And he didn't know me. Even if he had said yes, I would have preferred the version in my head more than the version in front of me.
I kept thinking that we were meant for each other and we were soul mates. But now I understand that was all the limerance talking. I am a very talkative person but I would go mum in front of him. It was like I didn't want to know him because it would have shattered my image of him.
I am now in the aftermath. I swing between limerance and realising my feelings aren't real. I have friends now who love me a lot. And I don't feel as lonely as I use to.
I wish to never have a limerance episode ever again. I wish for a healthy relationship and companionship. And if it ever happens I would love to know this person and be their friend. But now I know, If it doesn't happen that would be fine too.
I thank you so much. I am watching a lot of your videos. And It is like having a guide to what I was doing and going through. I am going to work on myself and I hope to find a healthy relationship.
My husband went into limerence with another married woman, she divorced her husband to be with mine, my husband wanted a divorce to be with her, he got it. They moved in together immediately literally weeks after dating. They are 5 months in now. Doesn’t seem very healthy but it’s what they wanted. My husband discarded me with abuse so I will never take him back but I’m sure their relationship will end in the near future. In the mean time I wish him well and I’m off to find my Prince Charming 😊
I don’t think limerence ever works out, most times its just a fantasy. Unfortunately some people are willing to give up marriages and a family to try it out. It’s not worth sacrificing everything in the long run.
Thank you Stephanie for sharing your side of the story. Out brain always imagine what would be the other story if we had taken another parh
Good for you for leaving. Don't get caught up in your "fantasy " also to find "Prince Charming ". Find some peace by yourself first, then you're more prepared to find someone who truly loves you for you and visa versa.
@thenorthface4 has anything changed? Are they still together? I am going through the same thing. Hopefully you found your prince charming.
That's why I just enjoy the relationship while it lasts. Why even bother with trying to make a relationship permanent. People grow apart, fall out of love, attractions fade, etc. Our current view of marriage is so narrow and restrictive.
@@JamieAug that’s a great way to look at it. I’ll never understand the psychology behind cheaters and why they hurt someone else as bad as they do with zero remorse. I’m not sure how you can build the foundation of a new relationship based on cheating but I suppose that’s issue to bear once getting together.
So glad that there's a name for it!!
For years I experienced various limerent episodes and I thought I was the only one!
I didn't know that limerence was "a thing", I thought that I was the only one who experienced it.
I just assumed that there was just something seriously wrong with me, that I was a fundamentally screwed up "wrong" type of person, to the core, and that there was no cure.
I just assumed that it was extreme daydreaming because my actual life was crap and I was using it as an escape.
I didn't have the know-how, the mental resources, support network, etc to be able to heal my childhood CPTSD or be able to re-regulate my triggers/flashbacks that cause/d me to over-reach or have inappropriate reactions to certain situations which would lead to me unintentionally messing up my life. Anna Runcle's crappy childhood fairy is a fantastic TH-cam channel, well worth checking out of you have CPTSD.
I have had various limerent episodes in-between relationships, for a lot of my life from my mid teens right up to my early 30s before meeting my current partner. I'm 33 now.
I cringe now when I think about previous limerent episodes in my youth but glad to finally find out that I'm not alone, I'm not fundamentally "bad" or crazy, there is this thing called limerence, lots of people experience it and you not hopeless to it, there are practical steps you can take to help better your life and free yourself from it
Great video, great channel. Subscribed 😆
How is it possible to be with someone who’s not an object of limerence? Like I don’t even know how should I feel or what is like? Could you please explain a bit about your new relationship? I’ve been 36 years in this world doing limerence quite nonstop
13yrs! 😢 3weeks cold turkey now. I burned all my drawings of him and want to behead anyone that talks about twin flames lol. In the thick of withdrawal... insomnia and anxiety... would appreciate more how to deal with things and less details about the limerence phase ... I and everyone else who's been through it already know what happens during... more help on the antidote would be awesome... like what intial steps can u take to a purposeful life when ur just out if it and vulnerable?
Hello! I am definitely in Limerence with my co-worker. I did have childhood traumas as my parents did not accept me as I was the 3rd daughter and they did not want girls because of cultural issues! My parents had fights almost every day and I was terrible. I was molested I am married and have kids. My marriage has been a roller coaster. It's OK now. But I am having an affair with my coworker and it's obvious I have limerence. I want to let go of him but am unable to! So please help.
this is one of the best videos I've watched on limerence. great job and thanks.
Thank YOU
You are always spot on Fenna, only you know limerence this well!
Yeeeesss Fenna!!! More videos on the "Aftermatch." I'm there now after a year.
17 years after her 3 year limerence affair I don’t know if my wife has put it behind her yet. She has never been the same & she has been for the worse, to me it seems the other man might have hurt her in some way by making her question her desirability or something like that. A few weeks ago she accidently let it be known she was upset with her other man because when I found out her other man immediately told her he decided a woman with a kid was not what he wanted anymore, so maybe she felt/feels used? For me the frustration is she refuses to see profession help.
I am so sorry for all who developed this problem. I have struggled with it since I was 14. I am now 69. It is nothing to mess with, if you find your way out, stay out.
I am single, never married, never could find connection outside this style that inspired me. Sad, did not expect this.
Thank you for sharing this.
I wish to thank you about you explain this question. I was always ashamed about myself for having limerent episodes (at 29, at 38 and 47). Now I understand why and how to deal with. And I do not feel alone anymore.
My spouse left me for his 5 month fling and they been living together for 2 months, he thinks she’s the love of his life, we been married for 14 years he believes she’s his soulmate. She got a divorce for my spouse and he’s asking for one from me, we only separated 2 months and I got the divorce papers and I go to court next week. He did it so fast without even thinking
Yes, the rush to do this is typically for limerence.
I'm so sorry for you.
My wife is on a similar path. Been married 14 years, two young kids and she's about to throw it all away for a guy she barely knows. Thinks they are twin flames. It's a tragedy.
I feel for you both
@@ecorpwI have a similar situation. 15 years and she wants to be with her ex from 20 years ago. Thinks he is her twin flame. It's rubbish in my opinion
Affairs don't usually happen in isolation they are often the end result of unresolved issues in marriage.
The person cheated on gets all the sympathy and understandably so. But I also question what happened in the marriage where two people who vowed to love each other somehow didn't.
One of the best part of 2022, learning about limerence and starting to get free! Thank you Fenna. What to do when it’s getting better but not going completely if it’s not possible to completely avoid them?
This is so to the point, thank you again Fenna.
Indeed
This is so informative. It's so good to know we are not alone. Thank you! xx
This really make sense and it is also very helpful; keep up the good work
I have no contact for 2.5 months. I still REALLY miss her... She's having a baby this month with her current boyfriend. She MIGHT be able to read this as this is public but chances are really tiny. But she knows I have Limerence for her and needed to go no-contact because I told her. She's not been active anymore on social media. Thats good cause she cannot feed my Limerence. This moment of no-contact gives her time to focus on her baby as well 😊. But unlike you said, my energy is completely depleted. I'm not going out anymore, cancel my sports more and more and lying in bed for 12 in the night instead of the regular 8. I'm really tired and not be able to buildup a purposeful life. I had much more energy DURING the Limerent episode. My work performance degraded a lot (still they are happy with me cause I got a raise AND bonus) I'm not social anymore with my friends/family and they complain about it a bit. I don't know what to do anymore...
@@followingfenna I know, in one of your vids you told that it's possible that the deepest part of no-contact can be after 6 months. This video even tells 3 years. I just need to go through it it seems....
@@aushyroHi! Are you better now? I’m at this kind of stage too… 😓
You hear from them and you're so happy....unless you still love your spouse. Then it's a living hell of pain and confusion. We didn't actually start a physical affair but I'm now separated with my wife 😔
Thank you for your comment. Good luck!
@@followingfenna - Thanks for your acknowledgement 🙏
Yes, it is crazy. But it seems real. The aftermath is depressing. Totally hijacked. I am not usually like this. Out the door. Thanks. I need to give to your station.
I haven't had any contact for half a year and sometimes it almost tears me apart. What makes me optimistic is the good and liberating feeling when I remain steadfast. It feels even better than the limerence-feeling and that's my motivation. Thank you for your videos and Happy Holidays!
I need to go no contact. I am still trying
I feel so stupid. I keep letting him get all the good things from me. And yet he keeps in contact with her. I feel like a hamster in a wheel. They are having fights, but he still keeps going to her. I’m ready to give up, but I want my marriage to work. He makes me feel so bad..
You’re not stupid, I’ve been in a similar situation, you just remember what he was like before and you’re waiting for that person to come back. Limerance changes people.
Any update on this? In a very similar situation over here.
Wife and I married for almost 5 years, marriage will always be a rough patch, but seeking validation from other Men is her coping mechanism. We have a 4 year old, with my awesome step daughter who is 8. She found some kid who is security at her job who resembles me heavily. We’ll see how long that lasts.
I'm so sorry 😞 good luck to you 💓
Hi
After months and months of going back and forth my friends recently ‘forced’ me to block LO. To my own surprise the last couple of days were very easy and I’ve barely felt sad. For the first time in months LO isn’t the first thing that pops up in my head the second I wake up and I’m starting to notice other good looking people again when outside. I do feel guilty though… I know that LO really cared about me as a friend and even though I gave him a short explanation about why I was going to block him, I can’t help but wonder how he’s dealing with this now.
Thanks for everything you do for us limerents, Fenna!
Your video here is very very well organized and concise - easy to understand. Thank you.
I suffer from a type of limerence that... it is difficult to describe - I don't have 99% of all the symptoms as described not only by you, but by many others.
I say I have limerence because I would rather err on the side of caution.
That's all I'll say for now, but may contact again another time.
Lord bless you and keep you friend.
Thank you for this video.. I felt heard, I’ve been suffering so much of limerence and daydreams still about someone who was married and I was crazy enough to feel all these things.. it’s almost been a year since he completely cut me off, deleted all his messages, blocked me and vanished like he never existed but my limerence still lingers strong especially when I’m alone in my room, I think and dream of him daily still, as if he never went anywhere.. we’ve haven’t meet in person in a long time since we’ve first met so most of our interactions were online.
I love him very much, I’ve never felt for anyone like I felt for him and god I’m so scared I’m never going to find anyone that will care and understand me like he does, or maybe it’s all in my head. Do pray for me and I hope to overcome this somehow.
We will pray for you and if you loved once, you will love again, and hopefully with more in return next time.
@@followingfenna Thank you so so much Fenna, your kind words and wisdom means a lot 💖 May you be blessed always my dear.
Wow it’s like I told you my life and you’re repeating it here.
I stay in the infatuation in my mind forever which is also a problem. But I would never cheat
Will listen as I am getting ready to go skiing. You look like a Swedish flight attendant. Nice accessories.
@@followingfenna a First Class Swedish Flight Attendant at that. Thanks. Love your videos. Hope you get to babysit baby elephants.
I went to therapy for this. I got over the hard part just before I started getting help.
I hope you are doing better now.
Will the limerence spouse who is actively in the affair remember the good times with the spouse again ever?
To anyone watching the video: Listen! If you know the meaning of the word 'limerence' and you are here watching this kind of videos, you are ahead of many! Many! BELIEVE ME!
You’ve said this before Fena and I really appreciate it. It is fertile ground. Scorched earth is always fertile ground. I think of the story of the Phoenix. It’s a good story. It sounds good but it’s really painful process. Regardless, thank you for all you do for us.
How do we distinguish Limerance from Love in the early stage especially for a person who has always been in Limerance?
Therapy or coaching can help. It's also a challenge to transition from Limerance to true love where you have self reflection, self respect and self love. A tough nut to crack.
I'm not proud of this. I think I'm a serial limerent (of at least some kind) despite having been in a committed relationship since I was 18 (I'm now in my early forties). I've not had hardly any sexual chemistry with my partner for years, but at the same time on balance the rest of our relationship is good. I've still chosen him as a life companion. I do care about him and want to make things work as best as I can - but at the same time living with this recurring problem is really difficult for me at times. :(
I think you just stated what a lof of limerent people experience.
I'm a limetent since I was 4, always struggling with too much or too little attraction.
@@followingfenna I'm sorry to hear that, on that being the case since you were 4 Fenna. Sounds very tough. :(
@@followingfennaOmg. Thought it was just me. I remember this state going back as far as when I was around 8yo.
Oh my gosh thank you for your delivery. This is a hard thing I’m coming about, your humor is appreciated
You are very welcome !!
My wife ended our 14 year marriage after a 30 minute phone call with a guy. She ditched me for him. Ok I get it. But she just ditched her daughters and grandkids and moved from the midwest to Calif for this guy. I give her 3 years and she'll be back here with her family.
Crazy
Even if she comes back don't take her back. She will never respect you if you take her back.
@@zolongOne I believe that you are correct, my brother!
Aftermath? traumatic event cleanup?
Remember. It’s all in your head.😂
Thanks Fena. I wish you make more videos about the aftermath. Happy New Year!
I want to ignite a spark of hope here. My husband and I were limerent with each other for more than a year. After we started living together, we went through all tough stages, filled with disappointments and fights. But we've been together for 8 years now. We're best friends and soulmates. We're together 24/7, and it still feels like we can't get enough of each other. It even seems like we love each other more now than we did 8 years ago.
Nailed it for me. Aftermath can last for a long time. Look forward to your thoughts on this. Thanks again
And we feel that it takes too long but I have heard that time doesn't matter. Just do the work to cut the cord (no contact, look at the thoughts but dont dwell on them, find a new something in our life to work toward to. Be patient
Anyone suffering right now with this? Get in touch
Me
or a trauma bond not much different
Fenna is the only one who gets it.
What happens when two people meet and each become the object of the other's limerance?
Lwt me tell you from experience:
25 years (and counting) of pure passion that is every bit as strong and, yes, borderline obsessive as the momemt we met.
It's quite common that people experience mutual limerence. Of course as in everything something becomes a problem when we start to suffer.
you are spot on!
I’m in after phase I’m going on medication this week I’m not doing this to myself again
Thank you Fenna, thank you so much!
How can I avoid future limerant episodes? Cut off unhealthy relationships early, or unavailable people quickly before phase 2 starts?
Very valid questions.
is it still limerence if the "high" hasn't come down after 7 years??....feels like we are getting stronger as time goes by 🤔
Normally the high becomes less but it depends very much on the frequency etc in the contact.
I am a bit confused by this video because you also have the 4 reasons why the limerent affair will not last, love you videos by the way
A relationship that starts with limerence will most likely not work out in the long run.
So I assume an affair is a different dynamic
@@followingfenna
Most affairs are furled by limerence so they will not transite into a long term happy marriage
I am bang in the throws of limerence, my partner of 10 years has left me for someone she met 2 months ago, at first it was hard, I have gone no contact and I now want to observe and learn how it pans out in the real world@@followingfenna
I am not attached to an outcome, whatever happens, happens but I will remain in no contact
Susan
Very true. It would be nice if you could make a video about not romantic limerence but when it happens for a friend. Thank you
Will do, thank you !
Followingfenna.com
This is a chart dot to dot. If I could I’ll chart it and place it on the wall.