Once you’ve lived through a relationship with a narcissist you learn to see it very quickly. It’s not even about seeing it, it’s something you can feel through the entire body.
Not me. I am honest to a fault and my ex is a narcissistic femme who is miserable now after her successful smear campaign destroyed all my relationships. Recovering super slow and wiser for it. I’m finally free and happy for the first time. I want this for all survivors so you become thrivers. Best to you. ❤
My ex was stupid narcissist. His lies were so obvious, but every time he was caught he would start blaming me, for example for finding out about his lies😤 and asking for apologies and repeating after one month. I was so stupid myself giving him a lot of chances 😢😢
@@GungaLaGunga we always meet those who will give us lessons maybe. God deprives us of the most desired things so we will empty our hearts for him and detach from this world's attractions. I am sorry that you haven't met the woman that deserves you. But keep looking. There is nothing wrong with you. I have seen many good people spending life alone. Unfortunately, bad men lie and manipulate and are better at getting relationships that they want. Good men are not confident enough to approach a woman, because they don't want to put pressure maybe
One of the most helpful things I learned about assessing someone I was in a relationship with was that it doesn't matter if they're a narcissist or just a jerk, you don't have to label them to decide to get away from them.
It's different when you grow up being gaslit. It took me so, so many years to understand my mother, and then my family. Granted diagnosing is one thing , however, I'm grateful for the term and the traits. It allowed me to understand prior to me learning about narcissism, I didn't know what was wrong. I thought she was schizophrenic , but narcissism has a delusional aspect to it ... If I had never found narcissism, I .might always think it's possible for her to heal. A narcissist is definitely more than just a jerk or a personality conflict... But yeah when it comes to dating before abuse has started its probably better to just validate yourself and call it jerky behavior
If you've been involved with a Narcissist and manage to get out the relationship, please take the time to be alone and HEAL! Get counseling. Because if you don't more than likely you will get involved with another Narcissist. Narcissist seek out and can smell a wounded person a mile away. Once they find them they loveb omb the person appear to be caring and nurturing to your wound but really they are taking your wounded ness to weaponize against you later!
Ugh to the way they exploit our wounds! 😥😠 I would add for those without access to good, affordable therapy that healing is definitely possible without it thank goodness! Dr. Ramani and others have helped me so much! ❤🩹😃❤And pre-deciding a rule that I was only going to let naturally empathic and reciprocal people into my life *because* I was still so wounded helped me deflect narcs and other users quickly way before I even knew what narcissism was. (That and finally learning that boundaries are what WE do---like walking away---not just requests for better treatment.💪) I'm grateful to Dr. Ramani for helping me reframe my narrative that some damage or flaw in me was attracting narcs in some mystical way. 53:37 Actually it was my GOOD qualities they liked such as empathy, agreeableness, flexibility, generosity, celebrating others' wins, etc. Now instead of feeling like I need to isolate or not express my true nature, the world feels like a safer place because I know I can trust mySELF to walk away and save that goodness with people who know how to give it back. Huzzah! Godspeed to everyone on this journey! 🌈🌱🌿😃🤓😻💐🍀💖
Ya- counseling is a negotiable. It made it worse for me. Just learning from and applying the VAST WISDOM available on YT has turned the truck fif me. Not I one penny spent yet and 4 years on The Path and doing much better ...really great most days.
@@sunnyadams5842 Therapy made things worse for me too. If I wanted to be blankly stared at by a person offering no empathy or guidance while I talk or cry, I could have stayed in contact with my narc mother.😢🧐Talk about triggering! And I'm *paying* for that? No thanks! I'm glad there are more counselors now who understand c-ptsd and childhood trauma, but there are many who DON'T and therapy is expensive, so I think it's important for people to know they don't have to wait for a professional to start healing. Good for you for getting to a place where things feel really great most days! 👏 🏆😀❤ I wish I'd known when I was younger how much better I'd feel someday and that the path was available sooner. But I count my lucky stars that it's here now! 🌈🌱🌿😃💐☘💖
😢 i asked them so many times how come you treat me badly but everyone else gets a good treatment. Always gets irritated with me. I dont remember getting an answer but my memories so bad as well. They would say “im not gonna keep repeating my stories to you” i felt so bad for not remembering and i would ask again and again but no reply until they wanted to.
Leave them alone and if they want to leave let them...dont take them back...if possible go no contact..these people are messed up emotionally..spiritually and mentality.
I'm 57, I did it. His last 'u don't make me happy we are getting divorced' rage, I moved into spare room, got ducks in order, sold house, got a full time job after being a SAHM. Best thing ever! Bought a house 8hrs away as mortgage free. 5 kids. All grown.. Do it!!!
@@nicolamills8003 thx for sharing. I was 72 at the time, made a plan & discarded 1-1-24. Happy New Year to me. Healing is important & I give myself all the time I need. Living with gratitude & release from a life that was never mine to carry .
I did! Cried tears of joy today! Bought another car! I walked after 17 years! Turned kids and whole family on me! Freedom is worth the pain! No more abuse! Ever again!
This is why when a person wants to leave or even when they cheat....let them go. Cry, but let them go. It is truly a blessing in disguise...just ask those who can't get out and the narc doesn't cheat or do things that would outright be obvious. It becomes harder to leave when married, have kids, have financial imbalances, the more years together. Some narcs don't cheat....they just rely on porn, self pleasure, ogling and triangulation so you stay insecure and jealous without them actually cheating.
No baby, that's just an addiction, are you able to care for a lady? Does your heart care for folks when they hurt, do you listen and care to folks, it's these uncaring and lying features, are you a user or caregiver. A nurturer@@drifterz21
Aside from lying they can bully and threaten you. If you're living in a facility you can't get out of then you have to take matters in your hands but doing things you to deal with them by doing something you didn't think your ever do again.
Dr. Scott Peck said that The lack of empathy and compassion is a good chunk.of EViL which is live spelled backwards or the opposite of live...to be dead of heart stone hearted
I know a man that was codependent on the wife. Scared of her . Went out of his way to to please her although she gave nothing to the relationship except financially after he put her through school ! 40 years wasted before he got out !
It's been 4 years for me. Together beautifully and passionately, him ending it, deleting me, blocking me, reaching out again, restarting the dynamic, ending it and so the circle goes. Until a few days ago. He was so cruel and vile. I have removed any possibility for him to contact me or find me.
No longer in a relationship with a narc, but what ive learned dealing in this world....up againt one in any situation...DO NOT REACT...DO NOT ENGAGE...DO NOT DEFEND OR TRY TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING....slowly slip away as if youve been confronted by a mad dog !
Beautiful advice , and extremely heartfelt, may i ask ..i left my girlfriend a year ago to whom I was crazy about but she showed alot of narcissistic traits but only to me , literally everyone else she doesn't come across in this way , my question being can they turn these traits on and off ?? The worst traits of hers I believe were that she would never hold her hands up when she was in the wrong but twist spin and manipulate everything to suit her own narrative making me doubt, like ....everything And she wouldn't ever show empathy whenever I was upset about how we was always falling out 😢? Narc? Or just unconscious?
The guru I followed on I tube . Did do a lot of short videos in the start saying if your feeling like giving up and have addictions .it's like they look for people who are victims. 🕊
that deserves 1 billion internet points! i don't know why that's true, but it is. oof, I learned the extremely hard way. and now that I'm aware and stay clear, now the narcissists want back.
I packed up my personal belongings and left all the furniture and appliances behind. When she went to work i made my exit and went No Contact immediately. It's been 4-1/2 years now and i know i made the right decision. She was cheating again and ended up marrying new supply within 5 months of my leaving our 11 year live in relationship with her 3 children from 2 previous marriages. I didn't have a clue about NPD until after she married new supply. What a nightmare it is to discover that there are people in this world that live in a different reality than we do.
Sorry to say, the dating pool is full of divorced and married narcissists. I would say its a majority. You can tell from the familiar red flags, lying, controlling, rage, entitled, full of themselves, etc. Of course I'm not going to stay long enough to diagnose them, but this is true. Wish there is a dating pool for empathetic normal divorcees.
Seems to be an awful lot of these types of people . I'm just learning what this is and I'm 50 years old..we Live in a mentally ill society.! It seems 🕊🙏
I with you there! Me narcissist ex-wife was diagnosed with it before we met and she never told me. I found out after she got pregnant and her mom called me crying about it. I shrugged it off and just wanted to focus on caring for her and the baby we made. 6 years and 2 children later I got discarded in a cruel demented way. I over it. Now I see it everywhere especially with the online dating world. Im away from all that stuff. Now im FREE.
Grief is like a years long marinade. You must stay in it until you are completely saturated . Then you are done and can get out to move on. God bless you all.
Yes I was married 20 yrs with one and I made excuses for him had kids and I came from a divorced family . I dnt want that for my kids . But it’s was so many lies, manipulation , tight with money , devaluation, cheating . He was never happy . It was awful untill I got the courage to leave his miserable company . I feel free thank god and now I know it not me . I’m happier than ever ❤
So true... My ex would switch it around and say unforgiveness is on you. As if he was entitled to be abusive and that wasn't a sin he could acknowledge or be responsible for... Yet it was my sin if I couldn't accept it and forgive him as he kept repeating it over and over again after many promises to change, Even went to church in counseling... It never stopped.. till I left
@@lynettecaballero1660 I believe they use that forgive and forget because they actually don't have any empathy or it's so low you're married to a another child practically...I forgave so much until I had nothing left but cringe when he walked through the door and that wasn't a marriage to me.
I don't forgive and I never forget you and what you did. Everytime I see your face I see all you did in purpose. You don't deserve my forgiveness period
@@SamanthaChristF10 Thats a great comment I always forgave mistakes until you realize these aren't all mistakes... it's being done intentionally and you haven't any answers to why from them either!
The “surprise of gaslighting leaves you exhausted.” FACT. I’ll never forget seeing my ex lick his lips and looking up and down a 12 year old. I called him out and of course he denied it. I know what I saw. What you saw IS what you saw. What you HEARD is what you heard. What you felt IS what you felt. Trust yourself. Time will show you, stand your ground and leave them.
Hahahaha I caught my first husband in bed with another women when I returned from Work unexpectedly. He told me I just imagined him with a woman there was no woman !
So hard to spot. A lot of these behaviors are things that a lot or people do who are not narcissist. It all comes down to their intentions. Their intentions are to kill, steal and destroy - for a true narcissist. The ways I noticed early on was their inability to feel empathy. Also, when I played my instrument they acted like they didn't hear me or like they got distracted while I was playing or singing. Also, they dominated the conversation. They won't listen to you. They do things that show you're not being seen or heard.
I stayed with a friend who had a "piano" (electric keyboard made to look like one). After finding out I also could play, she took over and played some average upbeat tune really fast for ages and insisted I effusively praise how good she was. I was so uncomfortable. Plus, her playing was atrocious as she had no sensitivity. She thought good playing as bashing it out as fast as she could. She made sure it was switched off after that and didn't tell me it needed switching on or how to after that so I couldn't enjoy myself while she was out.
In my case when I played it sang, also didn't show genuine appreciation. He didn't "feel" it. But he he did listen when talking. Everything was so much about talking. But not honesty.
Learn to “Emotionally detach” do not respond / do not engage and grey / yellow rock them..practice this and get really good at it ! If you can go no contact!
@@SUSANPOLLARD-h5n So very sorry to hear about your loss! Your Ex is a monster! and I very much dislike him! ..People don’t really realize how dangerous and damaging narcissistic abuse is … I am sure Chris Watts wife never realized or even knew what she was dealing with… I didn’t either… you have every right to be angry and upset so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise and/or tell you that you should have moved on by now ..instead grieve your loss at your own pace ..also you may want to seek counseling… not because anything is wrong with you but because of the abuse of this / his behavior/ and this situation.. I am wish you all the best and I am praying for you every night..God bless you and may he give you his strength ❤️
What us victims of NARC abuse have to do to prevent this from happening again is HEAL our CORE childhood trauma. That is what led you to the narcissist. ALSO always trust your gut!!!!! ALWAYS!!! Narcissists make you feel off!!!!!
Because of my home situation I only had 1 friend, I escaped my family to move in with him. 23 years into our friendship, I just recently realized he's a covert narc. I realized it because I had healed my family stuff but I was feeling worse the better I got. Examine ALL relationships made while you were under abuse.
God, this podcast is so spot on 100%. I've listened to Dr Ramani for months and I just bought her book. But this guy lets her talk uninterrupted allowing Dr Ramani to run free and spew out all these good points to us. Good job, both of you!! 💗💗💗
Thank you for setting me FREE from a 32 year relationship from a Narcissist's relationship! I've got a powerful survival story! I am SO incredibly grateful for all the value that you have to offer to me and others who are in Toxic/Narcissist relationships.
That stare absolutely haunts you. The worst part is they they do it to other women/girls right in front of you. They are predators. Possible moles…ers.
I remember Dr R saying that addiction & narcissist was a 60% cross over. My ex last relapse is steroid use, gym adoration, porn social media. For abt 6 mo I observed such bizarre behavior I knew after 24 yrs I had to be done . I discarded, it has been one yr. I work on my new life everyday, this information is most informative. The only way out for me is through a pattern that repeated for so long. I deserved my life now & honor my growth
I'm 5 years in healing process after a 20 yrs relationship. Grateful yet disheartened that it's so hard emotionally. Every time I start trying to date I get easily triggered and have to work through my emotions and then break from dating again. I've been in counseling 6 years. It's so much inner work. Wishing everyone the best in their healing journeys! Thank you Dr. Ramni for your knowledge it's been a great resource and reminder!
I always get accused of this. I have cptsd and undiagnosed adhd and autism and aged 49. Its awful. My mother just called me a mental case and blocked me when I asked her to apologise for once in her wretched life 🙃
@@laynahodgson4994I believe that a lot of my anger in my marriage came from anxiety or high functioning depression. I questioned if I was the narcissist because of my blow ups, but they were always triggered by anxiety caused by my ex-wife.
Never loose compassion no matter what you experience. It does not mean your not validated in what you went through, but it’s a beautiful human trait we must keep in our souls to evolve. ❤
Yes I have a new "friend" like that. I initially had a weird 6th sense sensation in was being lied to by this very nice lady, then I put it to the test a couple of times. She is so smooth and has a quick cover up if you query what she says. But she doesn't know my mind is a bit of a computer and I recall most, down to the sentences - so the inconsistencies are blatant evidence. She Isa bit forgetful, though she is pretty smart, and she mistakenly thinks no one is smarter than her! It's to my advantage if she doesn't realise I'm smarter so I'm playing it cool. I'm kinda stuck with her for now, since we own in the same complex. And we're trying to improve the building management. At least she likes to get involved and even if she isn't perfect, loves the drama and pinches my ideas, she'll get stuff done.
If you decide to leave, make sure you have a witness when you tell them. Someone needs to be there for your safety. Even when I worked for a malignant narcissist, I had HR present when I put in my notice
When you wake up and see one abnormal behavior, maybe even 20 years in, you start to see manipulation in almost every interaction and realize it had been like this from the very beginning, so there's a lot of searching into your own mentality as to why you fell for it and why you didn't see it and what this relationship has caused you to miss out on and lose and now can you leave someone you deeply love?
Narcs & most other cluster B disordered people, all they're doing when you're talking is scanning for what they want to show up. Filtering for anything that pertains to them, that they can use to play the victim, anything that can boost up their narrative, anything they can use to hurt you with or turn around on you, anything about you that they can project their own shadow onto. Etc They're just literally letting you talk until they find either something they want and can feed off of, hear that you're submitting to their 'superiority', pampering them about their grandiosiry, making them look good in front of others, etc. Their SUPPLY. They're a baby looking for someone to make them feel better, but they have anhedonia & chronic inner discomfort. Needy, grasping, uncomfortable. They can't feel pleasure or wholeness, safety or peace inside.
So true. Dealing with one at the moment. For different reasons I want him to acknowledge that he is no longer interested. He never ever remember what I have told him. Because he never heard a word of it. Only when I confront with his lies he will listen for a sec so that he can harass me with what i accused him of for hours on end.
My dad. Ruined both my brothers. I didn’t see him for years. It’s the inconsistency that got me. But man when he was charming he could woe you back in a heartbeat.
He got really difficult when we were discussing options - things to do for the day, and he didn’t feel in control. You’d only make suggestions and he’d see it as a challenge to his authority
The first date that I had with the nark. He started to cry and tears up for something kinda like woes. Me, and I'm sitting across, I'm thinking all this poor guy. He's so sensitive he has tears in his eyes. What man cries not knowing he was a covert. Just so hard to tell..... took me 7 years to figure him out. Cause I wasn't listening to all the red flags. I wasn't knowledgeable, but I sure am now.😂
I believe now that when somebody starts crying. And that's your first date and gives you a sob story of this and that ...we all have our stories each and every one of us. But to talk about it with someone that you don't really know that well.... to me is? a definite red flag. Wanting sympathy !?and tears? also the love bombing. Oh my gosh, like calling me nonstop that was really awful Wanting to be with me 24/7. Horrible non-stop Buy me gifts like crazy To trick me to become attached. It was a pure classic covert narc. Everybody else's fault, his 9 lasts women failures, everybody. It was their fault, not he? takes no responsibility. It was so easy to see now.😮
Ya I experienced this too his wife left him for another man on line, and I found out she knew he was cheating & thought it was me... no I just met him after she left. He was biggest cheater and every man I've ever know has cheated. So dis heartening and disrespectful for any relationship.
I think maybe you just know your worth more than how other people have treated you- kindness and compassion takes such little effort yet so many lack these qualities to feel empathy or compassion for others what’s not normal (although seemingly becoming too normal in this mad world) is all the bad things we have had to tolerate from selfish inconsiderate abusive angry people! When we find others that treat us with respect and not contempt and disdain & manipulations and anger outbursts to control others for their own needs! Self love & finally realising your worth so much more than how bad people may have treated you/us - when we finally escape it’s sheer bliss to be free but may take some time to analyse everything we have endured and recover! Stay strong & know your worth what we should and should not tolerate when we have boundaries and keep to them often these narcissistic types and the sociopaths will peeve us alone unfortunately there is a group that actually go after their victims if they try to leave & continue the abuse with stalking and may even harm their victims physically so if you can get help from trustworthy friends or family to escape or overcome the abuse and of course watching podcasts likes these with Dr Ramini & others to understand the minds of these crazy people! As she says we are not playing the same game as these toxic people they set out to destroy people and don’t know what love or empathy is! Hope your ok- keep fighting for you & your recovery from this form of heinous abuse 🙏
I'm sorry sister 💐 please don't give up on God, he doesn't acknowledge what they've done, no one born again can do this, by their fruits you shall know them
Perspective is everything and everything is perspective. When I first learned the term narcissist, I refused initially to look at it but when I did it was like 1 million lightbulbs going off for the entire span of more than three decades with this person and I would share my experience with anyone who would listen, it wasn’t a smear campaign, it was Waking up to my reality and from that everyone I talked to already knew about narcissism and I felt that I was the last to know. Most therapists don’t know this, I was in therapy years ago and literally gave her every characteristic and she never recognized it, she even sent us “couples” therapy which I learned you never do with a narcissist. He goes to a therapist and I’m sure he puts on his mask For him as wellness- it’s a real mindfuck
Thank you Dr Ramani for describing the over abundance of compassion that we ALREADY expend on the narcissist! It’s been 2.5 years since I left a 16.5 year marriage to a covert narcissist. I was in weekly therapy for 2 years! I know I’m still not ready to “date”. Instead, I’m taking a course on trauma-informed self defense AND participating in a therapeutic writing group.
It took me 30 yrs into the marriage , to finally understand, what I was dealing with. This information / knowledge gave me back some hope , even though I am now 52, and it took a long time, many years I finally understand what I am in, and now on the journey to start healing and feeling like I am a person , take you for your podcasts and honest advice Dr. Ramani. Forever grateful 🙏
Narcissists in my life would never go to the therapist and be diagnosed because: 1. They don't believe there's anything wrong with them 2. They don't care about the harm they do to others
❤36:15 *"We can have compassion for people and leave them. We can have compassion for people and disengage from them.”* ❤ Preach! And leaving a narc IS compassionate, because like any other addict, they have a much better chance of finding the will to work on their issues when their supply stops working. It's also compassionate to yourself and the KIND people out there wishing for a good partner/friends who know how to empathize, reciprocate, and give and receive love joyfully. Let's not keep them waiting! 😄 🌈🌱🌿🤓😃😻💐🍀💖
When I told my mother that my husband got a brain tumor (and we have 4 years old together), she said it’s not a big big deal competing to HER having her arm ache in 90th… That was the final point me to be emotionally done with her and losing any hope for being loved and supported. It took me 35 years though.
The first 6/12 months of the relationship I did not even once think they had NPD. I knew very little about narcissism. Absolutely no idea of the implications. I justified the odd, abusive, offensive, hurtful behavior as “well he needs time to get to know me and trust me, and over time things will get better”. I refused to acknowledge things for what they were from the very first day actually, and instead took the hard way which then became the most challenging and painful 2 and 1/2 years of my life, plus the 3 years of recovery up until now. I do feel a huge sense of relief today, when I hear descriptions of experts which define every single moment of my experience with this person. Thank you so so much for this incredible work. You are saving lives.
After almost 9 years the insane driving and walking on eggshells, what I thought was ptsd is much more than that. And what I thought was his confused understanding of events is actually gaslighting. It’s so hard to wrap my head around it. He never cheats on me, he’s too busy trying to control my world. It’s been devastating to realize the person you thought you loved doe s 3:49 not exist! But God is love!
The N I was with did not drive aggressively but just the opposite. He drove as if he were the only car on the road. Going through a town he would snail along checking out store fronts and people watch. He was not unaware that the cars were piling up behind us, but he just didn’t care! It was agony to be his passenger.
The self doubt because the word is thrown around is haunting me. He called me a narcissist and my heart shattered bc I have been researching this behaviour bc of my relationship with him for years to really make sure this is what was going on. And after years he out of the blue used the N word on me … I was shocked and I was out of words. I would never call him that. And I’m really dealing with self doubt now. Great video . Thank you!!
That's what they do. Make you doubt yourself so they can hijack your mind, emotions etc. + before you know it you are a shell of yourself. I'm living it + now have developed tremendous anxiety getting too close to ppl. I keep ppl at an arm's length.
Same here. My wife started calling me a narcissist after I began researching and mentioned it one day. Now it’s another insult added to the long list of shameful insults and threats of divorce. I don’t believe in divorce and we have five kids. I don’t want to leave my kids, so I suffer every day until I can find a safe way out hoping it will stop. I’ve been distanced from family and friends so my social circle is now limited to hers and I never know who is safe to talk to. Please be safe and avoid having kids with these people if you can.
I’m being called narcissistic because of a work situation. I left the workplace because of bullying, there were others who left the workplace because of the same reasons as me but there are people at my other job from that workplace. My complaint was that staff were talking about other staff in front of participants, this has apparently become a problem for the company because they’re losing a lot of staff. It’s being implied that I am difficult and a narcissist. It’s doing my head in and I think I’m going to go to a therapist. I’m very confused, I did complain about the bullying and now I find I’m defending and explaining myself.
I have freed myself from the abuse. My child never grew up. Now, she's a mother but still having temper tantrums of her own. Thank you, Dr. Ramini for helping me understand that this is no phase. I will miss my grandbabies but no more abuse, degradation, or gaslighting for me. I am deserving of so much more.
when first meeting someone NEVER tell them about your family trauma or vulnerabilities or specific things you are looking for in a partner. i realize it became a blueprint for his gaslighting and all sorts of other mind f crazy making, and emotional blackmail.
Was in a 5+ year relationship after I became a widow within a year. It gradually unfolded into a text book relationship with a narcissist. I exploded in anger and told him to never call Mr. He has completely shut me off. It is something I never anticipated. Your recommendation is helpful. Have journaled a lot and will . Very helpful.....
IM SO CRUSHED AND BROKEN THIS VERY MOMENT , MY NARCISSIST HAS LEFT ME HOMELESS FOR QUESTIONING HER ABOUT SOME RED FLAGS OR CHEATER TENDENCIES. SHE INSTANTLY GOT UPSET WHEN I STARTED QUESTIONING AND DOUBTING HER , THREW ME OUT INTO THE STREETS WITH NO WHERE TO GO , NO FAMILY. SHE HAS NO EMPATHY AND SEES NO HARM IN WHAT SHE HAS CAUSED ME ! IVE ALLOWED HER TO TOY WITH ME AND HUMILIATE ME !
Relax. That's the first thing. Its going to be okay. If I was in your position, I would set myself up with a place of mine own. No cohabitating anymore. Get to know someone before you move in with them. I know that sounds insensitive, believe me, you'll thank yourself later. You will have more control over your own life, and you will be able to confront someone without fear of unfair consequences. Or in least this case, being thrown out in the streets.
I'm actually in the same exact situation right now , and what I'm finally starting to grasp is knowing is half the battle , 18 years together and I honestly didn't know about this stuff , so I didn't know why these things kept happening like clockwork , the meanness etc. they will keep doing it , if we allow it , so I'm not going to , allowing disrespect is unacceptable for anybody !!! At least it should be , stay strong and get busy getting busy !!!!!! That's what I'm gonna do
@ 5:00 - "...The other thing we assume is that it's always going to be men (as narcs)..." It surprises me anyone would just assume this is a men only trait. the worst narcs in my life have been women - the first was supposed to be a mother.
I learned, while working in a call center 20 years ago that forgiveness is not something I have to express to ANYone else. It's about me removing myself emotionally from the situation. Showing myself that level of kindness lead to my revelation that my life, here and eternal, is about me. It cannot possibly be about anyone else and nobody is living in my body and mind BUT me. In addition I finally concluded that I was not put here only to serve other people. It's possible to help other people admist my own struggles or even suffering but I owe it to myself to be charitable and dedicated to myself first. No, I never had the privilege of bearing children although I have been a stepmother and step-grandmother for 5 years in my life. (40 years ago). That was enough for me...
The discribtion is usually about the overt narc ,i would like to hear more about the covert narc, they are harder to spott , thanks again for this interview with dr Ramani ,she is for me one of the best to learn from about narcs and peoples behaviour .
I am sooo glad people started calling 'anything' or 'anyone' narcisist bc this is how i started looking and researching about it, and came to find out i have lived with one for 16 years now...
Great discussion, thank you. I'm revisiting narcissism and Dr Ramani videos after finally being able to see my brother's behavior more clearly and realizing he fits the profile. It's a decades long situation in my current case, with my only sibling, and I finally feel free and grounded.
Im glad Dr. R brought up the topic about freeze, I had a narcissist attack me at the beach . Big guy around 6' 4" muscles 💪 and he was having steroid rage aka riodrage. I frooze I would normally fight back, but I went into freeze mode. This made him more enraged, because I was so calm and I loked at him like what's wrong with you. He started crying at one point, then I knew something is not right. As I walked away, he ran after me and whispered in my ear " if your dog comes near my dog I'm going to kill it" my dog was a puppy. His dog was a 110 lb Doberman that could turn my dog into porkchops. His dog looked like he pumped iron, too. The whole thing was horrorifying. I thought he was singling me out, because o was over weight, narc like him can't stand to see someone that doesn't mirror back to them. A few weeks later, this pretty talk skinny, and I were chatting. I told her about what happened, and she said the same thing happened to her too. Apparently, the jackals wanted the whole dog beach to himself.
I am no longer to sit there a wait while a friend sits there and stays on their phone.I am no longer going to accept verbal abuse or someone monologueing at me.I will just walk away from this.I will not accept being blocked when I helped so much.I have been gaslight by bosses and now I call it out And as far as social media is concerned let me tell you they are gutless.
I am proud of you. You are doing the right thing! but you also need to be prepared for something else that most people don't like, (not just narcissists) they don't like people who stick up for themselves and tell the *Truth!*
Dr Ramani is absolutely BRILLIANT. she literally helped me through my first narcissistic relationship to see all the signs. Unfortunately , I’ve been in a relationship for a year and a half and I feel like I could be dealing with the same issues all over again. I continue to watch her videos to gain knowledge and to make an informative decision on what to do with this relationship now … thank you Dr. Ramani.
I'm back in school studying psychology. I really appreciate this description. I also appreciate the acknowledgement around value-laden diagnoses relating to personality. From what I've learned so far, we don't know much about what a personality is. I'm especially concerned for Autistic folks who may seem narcissistic but that's not the intention and the behavior will get corrected if explained.
You know what, there might be a connection with narcissism and autistic spectrum! My narc had been diagnosed autistic spectrum. And from what I see from relatives, it's there too. Maybe we should investigate this link. I am going to study psychology myself for summer, and I am soon putting myself into therapy myself. As I grew up in narcissistic family with my mother as main disease and running into my narc. I have low contact with family and don't give them anything, and my mother tried but failed, so she tried to triangulate my middle brother and me, he's a narc and married another narc, that also has low iq and had a son they totally coddled spoiled can do no wrong, that and adhd plus low iq turned him into a monster that almost killed a woman, it was in the news and he went to prison, he's now out and engaged to a woman older than him. It's just a matter of time before it goes wrong because he has had no help than practical support work. When I warned my brother, that doesn't speak he totally blocked me and him and my mother got into a row over her telling me, but of course, another triangulate attempts on her side. She has even threatened me to be careful my nephew doesn't get hold of my address and comes to do me harm she actually said that, and she is 77 years old living in another country as I moved. Which my narc told me to watch out for and how she threatened me. But in this country you can not find someone in the records like my home country, unless you already have the address
I was with one almost 4 years and i needed at least 5 years to heal..I am now doing well emotionally and built up a new supportive friend circle and feel supported again..After i was with my ex,I lost everyone i knew and had to rebuild everything after i left.
Hi Dr Ramani, I enjoy listening to your shows. It plays a big part in my PC things together in my life. I believe I came from a narcissistic family three out of five maybe four. I know I have narcissistic tendencies like my parents see social dysfunction and me and my family, I’ve had a whole year on the road traveling with just my mother at 92. There’s a lot of quiet time that I have to reflect on my history and self improvement. I feel like I’m making really good progress part that worries me so much about narcissist are not capable of change. That doesn’t stop me from trying it. Almost seems hopeless for a narcissist to dig themselves out.
She’s describing to a T what I am currently experiencing. My situation had led to stalking, breaking into my home twice, assault, arrest, involuntary detainment in a psychiatric facility, multiple violations of a criminal no contact order. All just in the past three weeks. I currently sleep(if you can call it that) with a baseball bat, mace and a stun gun. I am forever grateful for the amazing support from a family member, friends and professional support. I am determined to learn and grow from this and keep moving forward. I ended the relationship in February but tried immediately shifting to a friend zone. I now know I was only postponing the inevitable shitshow by trying to be friends. I now know it was always going to be a horror story once I finally broke free. During tough moments I imagine who will be casted in the Lifetime Channel movie retelling 🤪
I've been around one that never criticized others bc I was the criticizer...i thought i was a high discerner of people, but when i shared with him, he would play off of my information and he behaved as the discernment I shared with him were my insecurities and use that info against me to be besties with the person or if a female, he would then ogle her which then did make me respond insecurely. When I stopped gossiping about others I noticed how much he actually does criticize others....it took me 20 years to see this and I would have never seen it if I hadn't changed to be healthier. His true critical nature was hidden bc of me. When he talks about others, it is different...it is bc he is jealous or feels better-than....its not to learn about others to see if should move forward with relationship or not. His talk just has a different vibe to it. Don't ever gossip about others to a narcissist.
Dr Ramani, I think this is one of the best interviews you have done. I was married to a narcissist for 20 years, divorced for 24 years (I’ve had 3 one time dates in those 24 years and I knew right away that I wasn’t taking it to date number two). Our marriage counselor was the one who said my ex husband was narcissist.
discovering your partner is a narcissist can take more than 6 months or even a year. This is compounded if you begin falling in love with the person and continue to make excuses for their behavior. Education on this borderline personality disorder has been my only savior...
I had to stop at 21:14 . You just hit the nail on the head with my problems. 😅 I’ve questioned if I am a narcissist as my family has gaslit me. Disowned me, basically. Kept me in isolation for over 15 years? There’s much more to this story 📕 but I just wanted to thank you 🙏. I can go on without them. 💕
I am absolutely NOT a narcissist but I get pissed at IGNORANT drivers who shouldn't be on the road. So that's that. My sister, who IS a narcissist, doesn't road rage at all....as far as i know.
Once you’ve lived through a relationship with a narcissist you learn to see it very quickly. It’s not even about seeing it, it’s something you can feel through the entire body.
You feel them really fast when you know , it’s good because you know to keep away from them
Yes it's about your feelings. They don't seem to have the intuition of how you feel and put their rubbish on you. Feelings come before emotions.
Absolutely. The 6th sense gets activated
100% agree.
Exactly! 👍
The narcissist tells lies better than we tell the truth.
Not me. I am honest to a fault and my ex is a narcissistic femme who is miserable now after her successful smear campaign destroyed all my relationships. Recovering super slow and wiser for it. I’m finally free and happy for the first time. I want this for all survivors so you become thrivers. Best to you. ❤
My ex was stupid narcissist. His lies were so obvious, but every time he was caught he would start blaming me, for example for finding out about his lies😤 and asking for apologies and repeating after one month. I was so stupid myself giving him a lot of chances 😢😢
@@GungaLaGunga we always meet those who will give us lessons maybe. God deprives us of the most desired things so we will empty our hearts for him and detach from this world's attractions. I am sorry that you haven't met the woman that deserves you. But keep looking. There is nothing wrong with you. I have seen many good people spending life alone. Unfortunately, bad men lie and manipulate and are better at getting relationships that they want. Good men are not confident enough to approach a woman, because they don't want to put pressure maybe
Amen
They're very convincing even when it seems they don't completely understand the concept.
One of the most helpful things I learned about assessing someone I was in a relationship with was that it doesn't matter if they're a narcissist or just a jerk, you don't have to label them to decide to get away from them.
THIS!! 😀👍👏🏆💯🌟
😊
Exactly!
It's different when you grow up being gaslit. It took me so, so many years to understand my mother, and then my family. Granted diagnosing is one thing , however, I'm grateful for the term and the traits. It allowed me to understand prior to me learning about narcissism, I didn't know what was wrong. I thought she was schizophrenic , but narcissism has a delusional aspect to it ... If I had never found narcissism, I .might always think it's possible for her to heal. A narcissist is definitely more than just a jerk or a personality conflict... But yeah when it comes to dating before abuse has started its probably better to just validate yourself and call it jerky behavior
Actually they label themselves
If you've been involved with a Narcissist and manage to get out the relationship, please take the time to be alone and HEAL! Get counseling. Because if you don't more than likely you will get involved with another Narcissist. Narcissist seek out and can smell a wounded person a mile away. Once they find them they loveb omb the person appear to be caring and nurturing to your wound but really they are taking your wounded ness to weaponize against you later!
Ugh to the way they exploit our wounds! 😥😠 I would add for those without access to good, affordable therapy that healing is definitely possible without it thank goodness! Dr. Ramani and others have helped me so much! ❤🩹😃❤And pre-deciding a rule that I was only going to let naturally empathic and reciprocal people into my life *because* I was still so wounded helped me deflect narcs and other users quickly way before I even knew what narcissism was. (That and finally learning that boundaries are what WE do---like walking away---not just requests for better treatment.💪) I'm grateful to Dr. Ramani for helping me reframe my narrative that some damage or flaw in me was attracting narcs in some mystical way. 53:37 Actually it was my GOOD qualities they liked such as empathy, agreeableness, flexibility, generosity, celebrating others' wins, etc. Now instead of feeling like I need to isolate or not express my true nature, the world feels like a safer place because I know I can trust mySELF to walk away and save that goodness with people who know how to give it back. Huzzah! Godspeed to everyone on this journey!
🌈🌱🌿😃🤓😻💐🍀💖
Ya- counseling is a negotiable. It made it worse for me. Just learning from and applying the VAST WISDOM available on YT has turned the truck fif me. Not I one penny spent yet and 4 years on The Path and doing much better
...really great most days.
@@sunnyadams5842 Therapy made things worse for me too. If I wanted to be blankly stared at by a person offering no empathy or guidance while I talk or cry, I could have stayed in contact with my narc mother.😢🧐Talk about triggering! And I'm *paying* for that? No thanks! I'm glad there are more counselors now who understand c-ptsd and childhood trauma, but there are many who DON'T and therapy is expensive, so I think it's important for people to know they don't have to wait for a professional to start healing.
Good for you for getting to a place where things feel really great most days! 👏
🏆😀❤ I wish I'd known when I was younger how much better I'd feel someday and that the path was available sooner. But I count my lucky stars that it's here now!
🌈🌱🌿😃💐☘💖
Truth.
All you need to know is that the way they talk to you is condescending, and the way they talk to others is supportive and helpful .
This is it
That is my sister in her communal narc role! Everyone thinks she is just so perfect!
That's my husband.
That's my Husband. It is very hurtful!
😢 i asked them so many times how come you treat me badly but everyone else gets a good treatment. Always gets irritated with me. I dont remember getting an answer but my memories so bad as well. They would say “im not gonna keep repeating my stories to you” i felt so bad for not remembering and i would ask again and again but no reply until they wanted to.
Leave them alone and if they want to leave let them...dont take them back...if possible go no contact..these people are messed up emotionally..spiritually and mentality.
Truth
Truth
I just went no contact. It is the only way that I can heal.
I plan on running away from home, never to be seen again.
I'm 60 and need to get away to heal myself.
I'm 57, I did it. His last 'u don't make me happy we are getting divorced' rage, I moved into spare room, got ducks in order, sold house, got a full time job after being a SAHM. Best thing ever! Bought a house 8hrs away as mortgage free. 5 kids. All grown.. Do it!!!
I am 61 kicked him out
@@nicolamills8003 thx for sharing. I was 72 at the time, made a plan & discarded 1-1-24. Happy New Year to me. Healing is important & I give myself
all the time I need. Living with gratitude & release from a life that was never mine to carry .
You don't have to run. You can calmly walk out the door. They don't control you.
I did! Cried tears of joy today! Bought another car! I walked after 17 years! Turned kids and whole family on me! Freedom is worth the pain! No more abuse! Ever again!
This is why when a person wants to leave or even when they cheat....let them go. Cry, but let them go. It is truly a blessing in disguise...just ask those who can't get out and the narc doesn't cheat or do things that would outright be obvious. It becomes harder to leave when married, have kids, have financial imbalances, the more years together. Some narcs don't cheat....they just rely on porn, self pleasure, ogling and triangulation so you stay insecure and jealous without them actually cheating.
Well said!
How to know if I am a narc? Is self pleasure or porn addiction can make you narc?
* Loves
No baby, that's just an addiction, are you able to care for a lady? Does your heart care for folks when they hurt, do you listen and care to folks, it's these uncaring and lying features, are you a user or caregiver. A nurturer@@drifterz21
@@drifterz21🍒🍒🍒
A narcissist can tell lies and can be very convincing and belttle people without any conscience. They lack empathy and compassion..
Aside from lying they can bully and threaten you. If you're living in a facility you can't get out of then you have to take matters in your hands but doing things you to deal with them by doing something you didn't think your ever do again.
Dr. Scott Peck said that
The lack of empathy and compassion is a good chunk.of EViL which is live spelled backwards or the opposite of live...to be dead of heart stone hearted
It took me 23 years, and if you experience a real narcissist you’ll know it!
Ironic, as all narcs are fake.
Once you know; you go.
Indeed
I know a man that was codependent on the wife. Scared of her . Went out of his way to to please her although she gave nothing to the relationship except financially after he put her through school ! 40 years wasted before he got out !
Took me 60 years to recognize one!🙏
How did you get out
Took me 3 months to realize I'm glad it didn't go further
It's been 4 years for me. Together beautifully and passionately, him ending it, deleting me, blocking me, reaching out again, restarting the dynamic, ending it and so the circle goes. Until a few days ago. He was so cruel and vile. I have removed any possibility for him to contact me or find me.
No longer in a relationship with a narc, but what ive learned dealing in this world....up againt one in any situation...DO NOT REACT...DO NOT ENGAGE...DO NOT DEFEND OR TRY TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING....slowly slip away as if youve been confronted by a mad dog !
Exactly 😢
RIGHT on!
This is so true, in my relationship I did this couldn’t be happier😂
Exactly makes sense!!
Beautiful advice , and extremely heartfelt, may i ask ..i left my girlfriend a year ago to whom I was crazy about but she showed alot of narcissistic traits but only to me , literally everyone else she doesn't come across in this way , my question being can they turn these traits on and off ?? The worst traits of hers I believe were that she would never hold her hands up when she was in the wrong but twist spin and manipulate everything to suit her own narrative making me doubt, like ....everything
And she wouldn't ever show empathy whenever I was upset about how we was always falling out 😢? Narc? Or just unconscious?
_ahh, the narcissists favorite meal is an emotionally damaged person with childhood trauma with limerence._
The guru I followed on I tube . Did do a lot of short videos in the start saying if your feeling like giving up and have addictions .it's like they look for people who are victims. 🕊
Right here✋
Hmmm makes sense
l was the victim & destroyed me
that deserves 1 billion internet points!
i don't know why that's true, but it is. oof, I learned the extremely hard way. and now that I'm aware and stay clear, now the narcissists want back.
I packed up my personal belongings and left all the furniture and appliances behind. When she went to work i made my exit and went No Contact immediately. It's been 4-1/2 years now and i know i made the right decision. She was cheating again and ended up marrying new supply within 5 months of my leaving our 11 year live in relationship with her 3 children from 2 previous marriages. I didn't have a clue about NPD until after she married new supply. What a nightmare it is to discover that there are people in this world that live in a different reality than we do.
Understatement. So sorry. Going through this now.
Good for you ..some people leave in abody bag leaving like you did is a major thing ❤
Very well said & done!
Im facing the same shit! Hardest thing I've ever dealt with. Never again
About to pack and disappear too
Sorry to say, the dating pool is full of divorced and married narcissists. I would say its a majority. You can tell from the familiar red flags, lying, controlling, rage, entitled, full of themselves, etc. Of course I'm not going to stay long enough to diagnose them, but this is true. Wish there is a dating pool for empathetic normal divorcees.
They can’t come out of guilt shame and trauma of betrayal
Seems to be an awful lot of these types of people . I'm just learning what this is and I'm 50 years old..we Live in a mentally ill society.! It seems 🕊🙏
Sooo true🎉
I with you there! Me narcissist ex-wife was diagnosed with it before we met and she never told me. I found out after she got pregnant and her mom called me crying about it. I shrugged it off and just wanted to focus on caring for her and the baby we made. 6 years and 2 children later I got discarded in a cruel demented way. I over it. Now I see it everywhere especially with the online dating world. Im away from all that stuff. Now im FREE.
56:19
Grief is like a years long marinade. You must stay in it until you are completely saturated . Then you are done and can get out to move on. God bless you all.
Hug the cactus or embrace the suck haha!
Save yourself some time
Why though?
Good food metaphor 🤔😁🙏🏻
8 years. My mother
Yes I was married 20 yrs with one and I made excuses for him had kids and I came from a divorced family . I dnt want that for my kids . But it’s was so many lies, manipulation , tight with money , devaluation, cheating . He was never happy . It was awful untill I got the courage to leave his miserable company . I feel free thank god and now I know it not me . I’m happier than ever ❤
The same is here,i hv 2 children and feel very bad for them.
Same here with 4 kids
And your kids are better of as well
They want you to forgive everything... it's the same to them as sweeping it under the carpet everytime they mistreat you!
So true... My ex would switch it around and say unforgiveness is on you. As if he was entitled to be abusive and that wasn't a sin he could acknowledge or be responsible for... Yet it was my sin if I couldn't accept it and forgive him as he kept repeating it over and over again after many promises to change, Even went to church in counseling... It never stopped.. till I left
@@lynettecaballero1660 I believe they use that forgive and forget because they actually don't have any empathy or it's so low you're married to a another child practically...I forgave so much until I had nothing left but cringe when he walked through the door and that wasn't a marriage to me.
I don't forgive and I never forget you and what you did. Everytime I see your face I see all you did in purpose. You don't deserve my forgiveness period
@@SamanthaChristF10 Thats a great comment I always forgave mistakes until you realize these aren't all mistakes... it's being done intentionally and you haven't any answers to why from them either!
You are so right!!!
The “surprise of gaslighting leaves you exhausted.” FACT. I’ll never forget seeing my ex lick his lips and looking up and down a 12 year old. I called him out and of course he denied it. I know what I saw. What you saw IS what you saw. What you HEARD is what you heard. What you felt IS what you felt. Trust yourself. Time will show you, stand your ground and leave them.
Hahahaha I caught my first husband in bed with another women when I returned from
Work unexpectedly. He told me I just imagined him with a woman there was no woman !
So hard to spot. A lot of these behaviors are things that a lot or people do who are not narcissist. It all comes down to their intentions. Their intentions are to kill, steal and destroy - for a true narcissist.
The ways I noticed early on was their inability to feel empathy. Also, when I played my instrument they acted like they didn't hear me or like they got distracted while I was playing or singing. Also, they dominated the conversation. They won't listen to you. They do things that show you're not being seen or heard.
I stayed with a friend who had a "piano" (electric keyboard made to look like one).
After finding out I also could play, she took over and played some average upbeat tune really fast for ages and insisted I effusively praise how good she was. I was so uncomfortable.
Plus, her playing was atrocious as she had no sensitivity. She thought good playing as bashing it out as fast as she could.
She made sure it was switched off after that and didn't tell me it needed switching on or how to after that so I couldn't enjoy myself while she was out.
In my case when I played it sang, also didn't show genuine appreciation. He didn't "feel" it. But he he did listen when talking. Everything was so much about talking. But not honesty.
Learn to “Emotionally detach” do not respond / do not engage and grey / yellow rock them..practice this and get really good at it ! If you can go no contact!
Trying -but death of our son … because of his emotional control over him ,,my son lost his life 2022
@@SUSANPOLLARD-h5nI'm so sorry I know how you feel x
I'm so sorry for your loss, and will pray for you. 🙏@@SUSANPOLLARD-h5n
@@SUSANPOLLARD-h5n So very sorry to hear about your loss! Your Ex is a monster! and I very much dislike him! ..People don’t really realize how dangerous and damaging narcissistic abuse is … I am sure Chris Watts wife never realized or even knew what she was dealing with… I didn’t either… you have every right to be angry and upset so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise and/or tell you that you should have moved on by now ..instead grieve your loss at your own pace ..also you may want to seek counseling… not because anything is wrong with you but because of the abuse of this / his behavior/ and this situation.. I am wish you all the best and I am praying for you every night..God bless you and may he give you his strength ❤️
@@SUSANPOLLARD-h5nam so sorry to hear that.
Dr Ramani is my fave Narc therapist. she has helped exponentially!
Agreed. She has helped me heal from narcissistic abuse. Amazing therapist and a true teacher.
What us victims of NARC abuse have to do to prevent this from happening again is HEAL our CORE childhood trauma. That is what led you to the narcissist. ALSO always trust your gut!!!!! ALWAYS!!! Narcissists make you feel off!!!!!
U r sooo right!
Because of my home situation I only had 1 friend, I escaped my family to move in with him. 23 years into our friendship, I just recently realized he's a covert narc. I realized it because I had healed my family stuff but I was feeling worse the better I got. Examine ALL relationships made while you were under abuse.
God, this podcast is so spot on 100%. I've listened to Dr Ramani for months and I just bought her book. But this guy lets her talk uninterrupted allowing Dr Ramani to run free and spew out all these good points to us. Good job, both of you!! 💗💗💗
Thank you for setting me FREE from a 32 year relationship from a Narcissist's relationship! I've got a powerful survival story! I am SO incredibly grateful for all the value that you have to offer to me and others who are in Toxic/Narcissist relationships.
"Looking through you..." that stare.
and that smirk when they know they got you and you are soooo exhausted you follow thru :(
Dear Lord, that stare indeed.
That stare absolutely haunts you. The worst part is they they do it to other women/girls right in front of you. They are predators. Possible moles…ers.
I get that stare alot, i say whats on my mind most of the time, these people dont like honest conversatión, they cant handle that.
I have seen it. I remember thinking that there is nothing there. Empty vessels.
THEY ARE NEVER ACCOUNTABLE
Much appreciation for Dr. Ramani. She is changing many lives for the better!
Awareness is key. And she cuts right through the gaslighting and mind twisting games.👍
She saved my life!
I remember Dr R saying that addiction & narcissist was a 60% cross over.
My ex last relapse is steroid use, gym adoration, porn social media. For abt 6 mo I observed such bizarre behavior I knew after 24 yrs I had to be done . I discarded, it has been one yr. I work on my new life everyday, this information is most informative.
The only way out for me is through a pattern that repeated for so long.
I deserved my life now & honor my growth
what is porn social media? you mean porn.
@@macaronienshiis yes porn, social media
Although porn is all over social media right?
In the past these availabilities were not so prevalent
Narcissists drain your energy -- you will feel it in your body. Do not ignore your intuitive feelings!
I'm 5 years in healing process after a 20 yrs relationship. Grateful yet disheartened that it's so hard emotionally. Every time I start trying to date I get easily triggered and have to work through my emotions and then break from dating again. I've been in counseling 6 years. It's so much inner work. Wishing everyone the best in their healing journeys! Thank you Dr. Ramni for your knowledge it's been a great resource and reminder!
I think Agitation from depression, PTSD, etc. gets seen as Narcissism. There are so many overlaps in mental health.
I always get accused of this. I have cptsd and undiagnosed adhd and autism and aged 49.
Its awful. My mother just called me a mental case and blocked me when I asked her to apologise for once in her wretched life 🙃
@@laynahodgson4994I believe that a lot of my anger in my marriage came from anxiety or high functioning depression. I questioned if I was the narcissist because of my blow ups, but they were always triggered by anxiety caused by my ex-wife.
F what happened to them, the destruction these people cause is immeasurable. Your compassion just encourages their bullshit.
Facts and the more we feed it the more hold they have on you
So true
Never loose compassion no matter what you experience. It does not mean your not validated in what you went through, but it’s a beautiful human trait we must keep in our souls to evolve. ❤
They lie a lot and change their story because they can't remember what they said.
Yes I have a new "friend" like that. I initially had a weird 6th sense sensation in was being lied to by this very nice lady, then I put it to the test a couple of times. She is so smooth and has a quick cover up if you query what she says.
But she doesn't know my mind is a bit of a computer and I recall most, down to the sentences - so the inconsistencies are blatant evidence.
She Isa bit forgetful, though she is pretty smart, and she mistakenly thinks no one is smarter than her!
It's to my advantage if she doesn't realise I'm smarter so I'm playing it cool.
I'm kinda stuck with her for now, since we own in the same complex. And we're trying to improve the building management. At least she likes to get involved and even if she isn't perfect, loves the drama and pinches my ideas, she'll get stuff done.
100%
If you decide to leave, make sure you have a witness when you tell them. Someone needs to be there for your safety. Even when I worked for a malignant narcissist, I had HR present when I put in my notice
Or do a video recording as not many people want to ' get involved '
When you wake up and see one abnormal behavior, maybe even 20 years in, you start to see manipulation in almost every interaction and realize it had been like this from the very beginning, so there's a lot of searching into your own mentality as to why you fell for it and why you didn't see it and what this relationship has caused you to miss out on and lose and now can you leave someone you deeply love?
Self reflection is key to learning who you are.
I only use the word narcissist, when it applies, 100%
They don’t listen. They are not engaged.
Nope they want to dominate + control you.
They don't want to be. They're selfish.
Narcs & most other cluster B disordered people, all they're doing when you're talking is scanning for what they want to show up. Filtering for anything that pertains to them, that they can use to play the victim, anything that can boost up their narrative, anything they can use to hurt you with or turn around on you, anything about you that they can project their own shadow onto. Etc
They're just literally letting you talk until they find either something they want and can feed off of, hear that you're submitting to their 'superiority', pampering them about their grandiosiry, making them look good in front of others, etc. Their SUPPLY.
They're a baby looking for someone to make them feel better, but they have anhedonia & chronic inner discomfort. Needy, grasping, uncomfortable. They can't feel pleasure or wholeness, safety or peace inside.
So true. Dealing with one at the moment. For different reasons I want him to acknowledge that he is no longer interested.
He never ever remember what I have told him. Because he never heard a word of it.
Only when I confront with his lies he will listen for a sec so that he can harass me with what i accused him of for hours on end.
I walked away although I loved the person. But I saw signs. 😢
It's hard to get into relationship when grown up with badly narcissistic parents.
I found an Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Family meeting and it’s changed my life.
My dad. Ruined both my brothers. I didn’t see him for years. It’s the inconsistency that got me. But man when he was charming he could woe you back in a heartbeat.
He got really difficult when we were discussing options - things to do for the day, and he didn’t feel in control. You’d only make suggestions and he’d see it as a challenge to his authority
I just wish more of this could be taught everywhere and in schools so to help youth before they get into permanent relationships.
Listening to Dr. Ramani these past 3 years has changed my life for the better. So thankful for the work she does.
Thanks again for a great reminder of who narcissists are!
The first date that I had with the nark. He started to cry and tears up for something kinda like woes. Me, and I'm sitting across, I'm thinking all this poor guy. He's so sensitive he has tears in his eyes. What man cries not knowing he was a covert. Just so hard to tell..... took me 7 years to figure him out. Cause I wasn't listening to all the red flags. I wasn't knowledgeable, but I sure am now.😂
What would the red flags have been? What would you tell yourself about that now?
I believe now that when somebody starts crying. And that's your first date and gives you a sob story of this and that ...we all have our stories each and every one of us. But to talk about it with someone that you don't really know that well.... to me is? a definite red flag. Wanting sympathy !?and tears? also the love bombing. Oh my gosh, like calling me nonstop that was really awful Wanting to be with me 24/7. Horrible non-stop
Buy me gifts like crazy To trick me to become attached. It was a pure classic covert narc. Everybody else's fault, his 9 lasts women failures, everybody. It was their fault, not he? takes no responsibility. It was so easy to see now.😮
Ya I experienced this too his wife left him for another man on line, and I found out she knew he was cheating & thought it was me... no I just met him after she left.
He was biggest cheater and every man I've ever know has cheated. So dis heartening and disrespectful for any relationship.
This series is saving my sanity... i have no close support system and you are my saviors today.
Honestly..I don't even know what healthy is anymore..physically, mentally, emotionally..I just don't know..thanks for the podcast
I think maybe you just know your worth more than how other people have treated you- kindness and compassion takes such little effort yet so many lack these qualities to feel empathy or compassion for others what’s not normal (although seemingly becoming too normal in this mad world) is all the bad things we have had to tolerate from selfish inconsiderate abusive angry people! When we find others that treat us with respect and not contempt and disdain & manipulations and anger outbursts to control others for their own needs! Self love & finally realising your worth so much more than how bad people may have treated you/us - when we finally escape it’s sheer bliss to be free but may take some time to analyse everything we have endured and recover! Stay strong & know your worth what we should and should not tolerate when we have boundaries and keep to them often these narcissistic types and the sociopaths will peeve us alone unfortunately there is a group that actually go after their victims if they try to leave & continue the abuse with stalking and may even harm their victims physically so if you can get help from trustworthy friends or family to escape or overcome the abuse and of course watching podcasts likes these with Dr Ramini & others to understand the minds of these crazy people! As she says we are not playing the same game as these toxic people they set out to destroy people and don’t know what love or empathy is! Hope your ok- keep fighting for you & your recovery from this form of heinous abuse 🙏
Vapid is the perfect word describing narcs. No substance, no depth, no intimacy.
He left me when my dad was ill. Our church left me and sided with him. He denied anything. Still numb from this.
🙏❤️🙏
I'm sorry sister 💐 please don't give up on God, he doesn't acknowledge what they've done, no one born again can do this, by their fruits you shall know them
Perspective is everything and everything is perspective. When I first learned the term narcissist, I refused initially to look at it but when I did it was like 1 million lightbulbs going off for the entire span of more than three decades with this person and I would share my experience with anyone who would listen, it wasn’t a smear campaign, it was Waking up to my reality and from that everyone I talked to already knew about narcissism and I felt that I was the last to know. Most therapists don’t know this, I was in therapy years ago and literally gave her every characteristic and she never recognized it, she even sent us “couples” therapy which I learned you never do with a narcissist. He goes to a therapist and I’m sure he puts on his mask For him as wellness- it’s a real mindfuck
Dr Ramani changing history 🫡🇺🇸🇬🇧
Once their mask falls off run away.
Under Ramani's mask is the scariest narcissist you will ever want to meet.
👍👍👍
Yes. 🏃♂💨💨
Like the bank robber you can now identify them so you are a liability!
Thank you Dr Ramani for describing the over abundance of compassion that we ALREADY expend on the narcissist! It’s been 2.5 years since I left a 16.5 year marriage to a covert narcissist. I was in weekly therapy for 2 years! I know I’m still not ready to “date”. Instead, I’m taking a course on trauma-informed self defense AND participating in a therapeutic writing group.
It took me 30 yrs into the marriage , to finally understand, what I was dealing with. This information / knowledge gave me back some hope , even though I am now 52, and it took a long time, many years I finally understand what I am in, and now on the journey to start healing and feeling like I am a person , take you for your podcasts and honest advice Dr. Ramani. Forever grateful 🙏
Narcissists in my life would never go to the therapist and be diagnosed because: 1. They don't believe there's anything wrong with them 2. They don't care about the harm they do to others
Relatable
❤36:15 *"We can have compassion for people and leave them. We can have compassion for people and disengage from them.”* ❤ Preach! And leaving a narc IS compassionate, because like any other addict, they have a much better chance of finding the will to work on their issues when their supply stops working. It's also compassionate to yourself and the KIND people out there wishing for a good partner/friends who know how to empathize, reciprocate, and give and receive love joyfully. Let's not keep them waiting! 😄
🌈🌱🌿🤓😃😻💐🍀💖
When I told my mother that my husband got a brain tumor (and we have 4 years old together), she said it’s not a big big deal competing to HER having her arm ache in 90th… That was the final point me to be emotionally done with her and losing any hope for being loved and supported. It took me 35 years though.
My emotional abuse was so brutal. These videos are helping so much. I'm new on my healing journey. Thank you!
🙏 it can be very difficult especially when they are saying they are enlightened and are coming across as very calm and serene !🕊
The first 6/12 months of the relationship I did not even once think they had NPD. I knew very little about narcissism. Absolutely no idea of the implications. I justified the odd, abusive, offensive, hurtful behavior as “well he needs time to get to know me and trust me, and over time things will get better”. I refused to acknowledge things for what they were from the very first day actually, and instead took the hard way which then became the most challenging and painful 2 and 1/2 years of my life, plus the 3 years of recovery up until now.
I do feel a huge sense of relief today, when I hear descriptions of experts which define every single moment of my experience with this person. Thank you so so much for this incredible work. You are saving lives.
Number one: if they're a user of people, you will be no exception.
After almost 9 years the insane driving and walking on eggshells, what I thought was ptsd is much more than that. And what I thought was his confused understanding of events is actually gaslighting. It’s so hard to wrap my head around it. He never cheats on me, he’s too busy trying to control my world. It’s been devastating to realize the person you thought you loved doe s 3:49 not exist! But God is love!
The N I was with did not drive aggressively but just the opposite. He drove as if he were the only car on the road. Going through a town he would snail along checking out store fronts and people watch. He was not unaware that the cars were piling up behind us, but he just didn’t care! It was agony to be his passenger.
He did care, he did it on purpose for control over you and the cars behind him
How about the one who receives grace from another driver, then refuses to thank them. They'll say, oh well I deserve it - I'm a good person😏
49:54
Im so happy to be free from my narcissistic relationship. My ex would lie about what he ate for breakfast.
Ditto
I laughed out loud reading this b/c it’s true! Glad to be single again after years of being treated so badly.
The self doubt because the word is thrown around is haunting me. He called me a narcissist and my heart shattered bc I have been researching this behaviour bc of my relationship with him for years to really make sure this is what was going on. And after years he out of the blue used the N word on me … I was shocked and I was out of words. I would never call him that. And I’m really dealing with self doubt now.
Great video . Thank you!!
That's what they do. Make you doubt yourself so they can hijack your mind, emotions etc. + before you know it you are a shell of yourself. I'm living it + now have developed tremendous anxiety getting too close to ppl. I keep ppl at an arm's length.
Same here. My wife started calling me a narcissist after I began researching and mentioned it one day. Now it’s another insult added to the long list of shameful insults and threats of divorce. I don’t believe in divorce and we have five kids. I don’t want to leave my kids, so I suffer every day until I can find a safe way out hoping it will stop. I’ve been distanced from family and friends so my social circle is now limited to hers and I never know who is safe to talk to. Please be safe and avoid having kids with these people if you can.
I’m being called narcissistic because of a work situation. I left the workplace because of bullying, there were others who left the workplace because of the same reasons as me but there are people at my other job from that workplace. My complaint was that staff were talking about other staff in front of participants, this has apparently become a problem for the company because they’re losing a lot of staff. It’s being implied that I am difficult and a narcissist. It’s doing my head in and I think I’m going to go to a therapist. I’m very confused, I did complain about the bullying and now I find I’m defending and explaining myself.
I have freed myself from the abuse. My child never grew up. Now, she's a mother but still having temper tantrums of her own. Thank you, Dr. Ramini for helping me understand that this is no phase. I will miss my grandbabies but no more abuse, degradation, or gaslighting for me. I am deserving of so much more.
when first meeting someone NEVER tell them about your family trauma or vulnerabilities or specific things you are looking for in a partner. i realize it became a blueprint for his gaslighting and all sorts of other mind f crazy making, and emotional blackmail.
Was in a 5+ year relationship after I became a widow within a year. It gradually unfolded into a text book relationship with a narcissist. I exploded in anger and told him to never call Mr. He has completely shut me off. It is something I never anticipated. Your recommendation is helpful. Have journaled a lot and will . Very helpful.....
IM SO CRUSHED AND BROKEN THIS VERY MOMENT , MY NARCISSIST HAS LEFT ME HOMELESS FOR QUESTIONING HER ABOUT SOME RED FLAGS OR CHEATER TENDENCIES. SHE INSTANTLY GOT UPSET WHEN I STARTED QUESTIONING AND DOUBTING HER , THREW ME OUT INTO THE STREETS WITH NO WHERE TO GO , NO FAMILY. SHE HAS NO EMPATHY AND SEES NO HARM IN WHAT SHE HAS CAUSED ME ! IVE ALLOWED HER TO TOY WITH ME AND HUMILIATE ME !
Relax. That's the first thing. Its going to be okay. If I was in your position, I would set myself up with a place of mine own. No cohabitating anymore. Get to know someone before you move in with them. I know that sounds insensitive, believe me, you'll thank yourself later. You will have more control over your own life, and you will be able to confront someone without fear of unfair consequences. Or in least this case, being thrown out in the streets.
I'm actually in the same exact situation right now , and what I'm finally starting to grasp is knowing is half the battle , 18 years together and I honestly didn't know about this stuff , so I didn't know why these things kept happening like clockwork , the meanness etc. they will keep doing it , if we allow it , so I'm not going to , allowing disrespect is unacceptable for anybody !!! At least it should be , stay strong and get busy getting busy !!!!!! That's what I'm gonna do
How to overcome a gaslighting mother….18 years in that house….it’s really affected all my relationships ( now I’m 53)
@ 5:00 - "...The other thing we assume is that it's always going to be men (as narcs)..."
It surprises me anyone would just assume this is a men only trait. the worst narcs in my life have been women - the first was supposed to be a mother.
I learned, while working in a call center 20 years ago that forgiveness is not something I have to express to ANYone else. It's about me removing myself emotionally from the situation. Showing myself that level of kindness lead to my revelation that my life, here and eternal, is about me. It cannot possibly be about anyone else and nobody is living in my body and mind BUT me. In addition I finally concluded that I was not put here only to serve other people. It's possible to help other people admist my own struggles or even suffering but I owe it to myself to be charitable and dedicated to myself first. No, I never had the privilege of bearing children although I have been a stepmother and step-grandmother for 5 years in my life. (40 years ago). That was enough for me...
The discribtion is usually about the overt narc ,i would like to hear more about the covert narc, they are harder to spott , thanks again for this interview with dr Ramani ,she is for me one of the best to learn from about narcs and peoples behaviour .
I am sooo glad people started calling 'anything' or 'anyone' narcisist bc this is how i started looking and researching about it, and came to find out i have lived with one for 16 years now...
I find it good to just try as hard as I can to ignore a narcissist. Some things they say make me laugh. I try hard not to laugh out loud!!!.
Great discussion, thank you. I'm revisiting narcissism and Dr Ramani videos after finally being able to see my brother's behavior more clearly and realizing he fits the profile. It's a decades long situation in my current case, with my only sibling, and I finally feel free and grounded.
I really liked the question about the difference between anxiously attached and love bombing. Thank you.
Can you tell me when they ask?
Im glad Dr. R brought up the topic about freeze, I had a narcissist attack me at the beach . Big guy around 6' 4" muscles 💪 and he was having steroid rage aka riodrage. I frooze I would normally fight back, but I went into freeze mode. This made him more enraged, because I was so calm and I loked at him like what's wrong with you. He started crying at one point, then I knew something is not right. As I walked away, he ran after me and whispered in my ear " if your dog comes near my dog I'm going to kill it" my dog was a puppy. His dog was a 110 lb Doberman that could turn my dog into porkchops. His dog looked like he pumped iron, too. The whole thing was horrorifying. I thought he was singling me out, because o was over weight, narc like him can't stand to see someone that doesn't mirror back to them.
A few weeks later, this pretty talk skinny, and I were chatting. I told her about what happened, and she said the same thing happened to her too. Apparently, the jackals wanted the whole dog beach to himself.
I am no longer to sit there a wait while a friend sits there and stays on their phone.I am no longer going to accept verbal abuse or someone monologueing at me.I will just walk away from this.I will not accept being blocked when I helped so much.I have been gaslight by bosses and now I call it out
And as far as social media is concerned let me tell you they are gutless.
I am proud of you. You are doing the right thing! but you also need to be prepared for something else that most people don't like, (not just narcissists) they don't like people who stick up for themselves and tell the *Truth!*
THIS IS VERY DEEP GRIEF DR. RAMANI, OUR GOVERMENT IS NOT FOCUS IN THIS KIND OF STRUGGLE... thanks for eye opener.
I love Dr Ramini she has taught me so much pertaining to narcissism ❤❤
Dr Ramani is absolutely BRILLIANT. she literally helped me through my first narcissistic relationship to see all the signs. Unfortunately , I’ve been in a relationship for a year and a half and I feel like I could be dealing with the same issues all over again. I continue to watch her videos to gain knowledge and to make an informative decision on what to do with this relationship now … thank you Dr. Ramani.
If they entertain multiple women and lie about it or minimize it. Run. They then get angry if you try to talk about how it made you feel.
The driving scenario is spot on !
SO GLAD I'VE BEEN DONE, COMING UP ON 6 YEARS NO CONTACT!!!
There are these kinds of people on the road, every day ❤❤!
In response to his gaslighting, I got used to saying “that’s your reality, not mine.”
LOVE listening to Dr. Ramani. She is so brilliant. Wish I could have her as my therapist.
I'm back in school studying psychology. I really appreciate this description. I also appreciate the acknowledgement around value-laden diagnoses relating to personality. From what I've learned so far, we don't know much about what a personality is. I'm especially concerned for Autistic folks who may seem narcissistic but that's not the intention and the behavior will get corrected if explained.
You know what, there might be a connection with narcissism and autistic spectrum! My narc had been diagnosed autistic spectrum. And from what I see from relatives, it's there too. Maybe we should investigate this link.
I am going to study psychology myself for summer, and I am soon putting myself into therapy myself. As I grew up in narcissistic family with my mother as main disease and running into my narc. I have low contact with family and don't give them anything, and my mother tried but failed, so she tried to triangulate my middle brother and me, he's a narc and married another narc, that also has low iq and had a son they totally coddled spoiled can do no wrong, that and adhd plus low iq turned him into a monster that almost killed a woman, it was in the news and he went to prison, he's now out and engaged to a woman older than him. It's just a matter of time before it goes wrong because he has had no help than practical support work. When I warned my brother, that doesn't speak he totally blocked me and him and my mother got into a row over her telling me, but of course, another triangulate attempts on her side. She has even threatened me to be careful my nephew doesn't get hold of my address and comes to do me harm she actually said that, and she is 77 years old living in another country as I moved. Which my narc told me to watch out for and how she threatened me. But in this country you can not find someone in the records like my home country, unless you already have the address
I was with one almost 4 years and i needed at least 5 years to heal..I am now doing well emotionally and built up a new supportive friend circle and feel supported again..After i was with my ex,I lost everyone i knew and had to rebuild everything after i left.
This video is life changing, especially for young people just starting out with dating.
Hi Dr Ramani, I enjoy listening to your shows. It plays a big part in my PC things together in my life.
I believe I came from a narcissistic family three out of five maybe four. I know I have narcissistic tendencies like my parents see social dysfunction and me and my family, I’ve had a whole year on the road traveling with just my mother at 92. There’s a lot of quiet time that I have to reflect on my history and self improvement. I feel like I’m making really good progress part that worries me so much about narcissist are not capable of change. That doesn’t stop me from trying it. Almost seems hopeless for a narcissist to dig themselves out.
Thank you for all your videos it just might save my life leaving this narcissistic person who's scary
She’s describing to a T what I am currently experiencing. My situation had led to stalking, breaking into my home twice, assault, arrest, involuntary detainment in a psychiatric facility, multiple violations of a criminal no contact order. All just in the past three weeks. I currently sleep(if you can call it that) with a baseball bat, mace and a stun gun. I am forever grateful for the amazing support from a family member, friends and professional support. I am determined to learn and grow from this and keep moving forward.
I ended the relationship in February but tried immediately shifting to a friend zone. I now know I was only postponing the inevitable shitshow by trying to be friends. I now know it was always going to be a horror story once I finally broke free. During tough moments I imagine who will be casted in the Lifetime Channel movie retelling 🤪
I've been around one that never criticized others bc I was the criticizer...i thought i was a high discerner of people, but when i shared with him, he would play off of my information and he behaved as the discernment I shared with him were my insecurities and use that info against me to be besties with the person or if a female, he would then ogle her which then did make me respond insecurely. When I stopped gossiping about others I noticed how much he actually does criticize others....it took me 20 years to see this and I would have never seen it if I hadn't changed to be healthier. His true critical nature was hidden bc of me. When he talks about others, it is different...it is bc he is jealous or feels better-than....its not to learn about others to see if should move forward with relationship or not. His talk just has a different vibe to it. Don't ever gossip about others to a narcissist.
Dr Ramani, I think this is one of the best interviews you have done.
I was married to a narcissist for 20 years, divorced for 24 years (I’ve had 3 one time dates in those 24 years and I knew right away that I wasn’t taking it to date number two).
Our marriage counselor was the one who said my ex husband was narcissist.
They are everywere!
Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a genius scholar and powerful therapist. She's saved my life and many others. I'm indebted to her.
discovering your partner is a narcissist can take more than 6 months or even a year. This is compounded if you begin falling in love with the person and continue to make excuses for their behavior. Education on this borderline personality disorder has been my only savior...
I had to stop at 21:14 . You just hit the nail on the head with my problems. 😅
I’ve questioned if I am a narcissist as my family has gaslit me. Disowned me, basically. Kept me in isolation for over 15 years? There’s much more to this story 📕 but I just wanted to thank you 🙏. I can go on without them. 💕
I am absolutely NOT a narcissist but I get pissed at IGNORANT drivers who shouldn't be on the road. So that's that.
My sister, who IS a narcissist, doesn't road rage at all....as far as i know.