As a self-aware diagnosed narcissist, I will say that anger is pretty much the only emotion most narcissists have access to unfortunately. So that is correct, however I do not understand why people want to outsmart a narcissist or deal with a narcissist, it's best not to play any games and leave them alone completely.
Or sort out what causes anger, pituitary, thyroid, cortisol, insulin, vitamin and mineral deficiencies ie iron and vitamin d, as well as other stuff, do you sleep properly, have melatonin hormone checked. Have plenty of tests as reference levels(ranges) change many times for diagnosis of the same diseases. Abnormal levels and family histories can be ignored and levels may not be in optimal levels.
I agree with Dr. Carter. Crying can be hormonal, weariness and/or frustration, burn out, feelings of helplessness or not having the tools to deal with a situation. It can also be actual fear or desperation depending on what's at stake. I think it's rare to "use tears" as a method to control and manipulate. Sometimes a person can give up in a relationship and stop crying because of a hard heart, or even a broken one that's been neglected. There are way too many possibilities there.
And what do you do when instead of staying angry, they enter the room a few minutes later as if nothing happened. And they are smiling and I’m the one that’s upset bc I was dismissed.
They want to upset you, so they can find fault with you. You must detach emotionally from such persons. Learn the Gray Rock method. Be civil and pretend that nothing happened. When you don't react, they will respect you and give up trying to anger you. I did this for 40 years until my husband died. It works.
They're ashamed because they're wrong and can't admit it cuz they feel they'll be admitting they're bad people and will be losing their sick control power and or think they're placing themselves as powerless and punishable forever for this even tho they know if they think about it, that's not true, they're preaching respect, responsibility and make YOU apologize, they should do it too and recognize they're being respectful and responsible and respectable! They're not respectful or any of that by pretending they didn't do anything wrong or that's no big deal (gaslighting you) to dismiss it. But on the inside they HATE themselves. They're humiliated and want you to not see it but you do and to the world they act perfect but embarrassed in front of you, because you know their truth. sometimes if they yell at you for "making them feel bad" by rightfully calling them out, that's because they're ashamed and get angry to scare you into protecting their public image. They hate themselves and can't face you . They're too selfish to go get help so they can heal and heal you from their crap but just stepping outside of their influence and observing it .. this is not your fault. It's their fault for not getting help and continuing to be shitty which you do not deserve. It's not personal. You could have been anyone. I see all this because my parents are like this and I greyrocked and then went no contact because they ruined my life by normalizing shit thats toxic so I kept finding myself in bad relationships. Now I have self esteem and I don't doubt my thoughts anymore! I studied psychology I'm a masters student going for PhD next and going to be a trauma therapist. Healing myself had to happen before getting into this program to become a therapist. I am clear minded confident and I don't have fear of calling people out and snipping the cord so to speak I love it I'm just like, "your patterns of interactions with me are toxic to my Self and peace. I can't engage with you." Took me so much work to get to this point by myself because my therapist sucks .. she's a narc... Omg Everyone needs personal growth and that means them too so they might be more pleasant and respectful of others' peace and well being which will improve their own. They'll be mad but it gets to them, but whether they get help or not it's their issue now, you don't need to deal with it, you deserve peace and respect. Even if you think you did something bad you still deserve it.
@@watchpray5343I’m leaving my very obvious incredibly selfish narcissistic husband. I filed for divorce to free myself … I’m so scared I’m going to regret it. If yoo could change anything about this topic please if you don’t mind me asking.. what would it be?
It seems like everybody is a narcissist because we all get angry and most of us were not taught how to manage conflict or process our emotions in a healthy manner…
So I don’t get angry when a person addresses their feelings. But when my spouse does that to me it does make me angry. The anger replaces sadness so that I don’t feel weak. A trauma response from my childhood
It's good you recognize this. Yes it's a trauma response for sure. It's something really important to work out so you have a solid self esteem and comfort knowing you are working on healing and being the best you can be and get to a point where you're on knowing that like everyone you'll make mistakes without meaning to or because of heat of moment and conditioning from childhood, attachment style, which over time gets improved, and you know the person's just saying how they feel because of your actions and no they don't need to address you in any way that is disrespectful or condescending or insulting. Just whatever it was you said or did and how they felt. I worked thru this too. Now I think about it and learn and grow from mistakes, and I will apologize and admit what I could have done better and will do, but not in a subjugated way. In a way that respects myself and the other person. Even if I have to prefaced it or follow it with, "you can tell me what I did and how you feel about it and leave the negativity out, respectful communication. That's something that will have you feeling more respect for them, and from them, because personally I admire when people genuinely apologize. I just hope it's not part of a predator of hoover move so the dismissive avoidant wall stays up until I can count on them to be consistent.. Grad student in psychology to become therapist for trauma and communication, I have 3 liberal arts and 1 bachelor's and it all helped me so much I hope this helps you without sounding judgy but just respecting you and thanking you for sharing it and wanting things to be easier with your husband. Is there something about his tone or approach that triggers thus defensiveness?
I am too scared of what my husband will do to me if I try to divorce him. He is a narcissist. He will try to destroy me. I shut down when he starts to tell me what I should be thinking. I have no money so I am trapped until one of us dies. I may just do myself in, one day. There is no way out.
Be strategic, have a plan, and make sure you factory reset your phone before escaping just in case he downloaded a gps/tracking app into your phone without your knowledge and sell your car or just leave it behind because he could’ve put a gps tracker on it too… I watch true crime that’s why I always bring that up to women in dangerous situations
The question that I need answered. How do I get my power back ? A lifetime with my sibling has been nothing but pain no matter how I approach it. Even when treating them with kindness they take advantage of it for themselves. It’s like , oh now I can smoosh and get what I want. He thinks in dollar signs. We all quit helping him so we are all enemy number 0ne. And attacks our beliefs because we don’t align with him. Hes so angry. Says he not but I think he’s learned how to stuff it down in himself. And that’s scares me. And everyone in this family. The only peace I find dealing with him is Not to even try anymore. Our grown kids in theirs 50’s are done with him because if their own lifetime experiences. He went from drugs and alcohol to his own religious beliefs. Now he’s attitude is condemning toward all of us. It’s too toxic !
There is a reason why human beings cry. GaborMatte has explained it verysimply. It stems from childhood. I do not believe that in mastcases, tears are manipulation.
When a person is screaming at you, whotouhabeknownand married to for 17 years, and you are the one who is crying. Ok, there is a serious issue with this speaker if he's saying it is beingmanipulative. REALLY
That's not what he's saying. If you listen at 33:17 he talks about situations and specifically mentions that one crying in response during an argument in with an abusive partner is a different thing, not manipulative.
I understand you! 21 years married to an angry crazy man who was not satisfied until I was so scared and emotionally shaken that I'd start to cry. There was no way to walk away - he chased after me, angry that I even attempted to leave the situation. And when I'd cry his favorite thing to say then was "oh there you go, turning on the waterworks." As if there was any way to control it after a 10 min berating from him. Then he'd scream how I was trying to manipulate him with my tears. Or he'd start into me in the car, where there really is no way to escape. That became his game for several years. I hated having to go anywhere with him because I truly was trapped. No, your tears are in response to abuse not used to manipulate.
@@lizz486men who mock you like that when you're crying are vile. Anyone who does that. For the reality is they are well aware they just trashed you, deliberately provoking you to get that response of pain and hurt, which gives them great delight, and then belittle you. They set it up and are awaiting your anticipated response They do not deserve any of your heart: Jesus said 'Cast not your pearls before the swine, lest they turn and rend you to pieces' Your tears are pearls and He will remember every one of them and wipe them away
He doesn't understand the needs of his six years old granddaughter , he wanted her to ignore her thirst, and the need to feel generosity over rigidity. It's because he doesn't understand that kids supposed to be narcissistic, they are not small adults! Poor child with such a stupid grandpa
Yes, children of that age are narcissistic due to their developmental age, but I disagree with your take on him disregarding her needs. They were at checkout and he reminded her of their previous conversation, told her they would get something to drink at home, and they proceeded there. He in no way ignored nor denied her needs.
This is one of the best/informative videos I’ve seen on Narcissistic abuse. Thank you!
As a self-aware diagnosed narcissist, I will say that anger is pretty much the only emotion most narcissists have access to unfortunately. So that is correct, however I do not understand why people want to outsmart a narcissist or deal with a narcissist, it's best not to play any games and leave them alone completely.
Amen 🙏
I mistook it as ptsd😢
@jacquelinenoel149 they create ptsd in your body given time
Or sort out what causes anger, pituitary, thyroid, cortisol, insulin, vitamin and mineral deficiencies ie iron and vitamin d, as well as other stuff, do you sleep properly, have melatonin hormone checked. Have plenty of tests as reference levels(ranges) change many times for diagnosis of the same diseases. Abnormal levels and family histories can be ignored and levels may not be in optimal levels.
Observe, don’t absorb
I agree. I avoid and ignore the narcissistic other as much as possible. It's exhausting and depleting to be around them.
I especially like what he explains at 16 minutes and 39 minutes in. Thank you.
I agree with Dr. Carter. Crying can be hormonal, weariness and/or frustration, burn out, feelings of helplessness or not having the tools to deal with a situation. It can also be actual fear or desperation depending on what's at stake. I think it's rare to "use tears" as a method to control and manipulate. Sometimes a person can give up in a relationship and stop crying because of a hard heart, or even a broken one that's been neglected. There are way too many possibilities there.
It can be sensory overload. This guy really has control issues and fear/hates any neurodiverse as threat to his power
Some people cry because of extreme frustration, fear, broken heart, or hopelessness during "arguments" but that's with an ABUSER.
Dr. Carter, you’re the wisest, kindest, bestest (est, est, est) ever❌⭕❌⭕❌
What a valuable interview…I couldn’t stop listening, thank you, to you both!
And what do you do when instead of staying angry, they enter the room a few minutes later as if nothing happened. And they are smiling and I’m the one that’s upset bc I was dismissed.
They want to upset you, so they can find fault with you. You must detach emotionally from such persons. Learn the Gray Rock method. Be civil and pretend that nothing happened. When you don't react, they will respect you and give up trying to anger you. I did this for 40 years until my husband died. It works.
I hate that feeling. Being dismissed it's awful .
They're ashamed because they're wrong and can't admit it cuz they feel they'll be admitting they're bad people and will be losing their sick control power and or think they're placing themselves as powerless and punishable forever for this even tho they know if they think about it, that's not true, they're preaching respect, responsibility and make YOU apologize, they should do it too and recognize they're being respectful and responsible and respectable! They're not respectful or any of that by pretending they didn't do anything wrong or that's no big deal (gaslighting you) to dismiss it. But on the inside they HATE themselves. They're humiliated and want you to not see it but you do and to the world they act perfect but embarrassed in front of you, because you know their truth. sometimes if they yell at you for "making them feel bad" by rightfully calling them out, that's because they're ashamed and get angry to scare you into protecting their public image. They hate themselves and can't face you . They're too selfish to go get help so they can heal and heal you from their crap but just stepping outside of their influence and observing it .. this is not your fault. It's their fault for not getting help and continuing to be shitty which you do not deserve. It's not personal. You could have been anyone.
I see all this because my parents are like this and I greyrocked and then went no contact because they ruined my life by normalizing shit thats toxic so I kept finding myself in bad relationships.
Now I have self esteem and I don't doubt my thoughts anymore! I studied psychology I'm a masters student going for PhD next and going to be a trauma therapist. Healing myself had to happen before getting into this program to become a therapist. I am clear minded confident and I don't have fear of calling people out and snipping the cord so to speak I love it I'm just like, "your patterns of interactions with me are toxic to my Self and peace. I can't engage with you." Took me so much work to get to this point by myself because my therapist sucks .. she's a narc... Omg
Everyone needs personal growth and that means them too so they might be more pleasant and respectful of others' peace and well being which will improve their own. They'll be mad but it gets to them, but whether they get help or not it's their issue now, you don't need to deal with it, you deserve peace and respect. Even if you think you did something bad you still deserve it.
@@watchpray5343I’m leaving my very obvious incredibly selfish narcissistic husband. I filed for divorce to free myself … I’m so scared I’m going to regret it. If yoo could change anything about this topic please if you don’t mind me asking.. what would it be?
You leave. They will NEVER change. They will bait you until you snap, then file a protection order on you, and take your kids.
I BEG TO DIFFER when my husband tells me what I'm thinking in an argument I CRY. Tears of anger and sadness 😢
He is so often very very wrong as to why something was done. Too genenarlalized
It seems like everybody is a narcissist because we all get angry and most of us were not taught how to manage conflict or process our emotions in a healthy manner…
Re the stonewalling - so, so, difficult to do - but so, so, worth it!
True, I had someone stonewall me just because.
Many people dismiss someone if they speak up.
Great video!
Dr. Carter helped me so much!!!!
Loved the cession .
So I don’t get angry when a person addresses their feelings. But when my spouse does that to me it does make me angry. The anger replaces sadness so that I don’t feel weak. A trauma response from my childhood
It's good you recognize this. Yes it's a trauma response for sure. It's something really important to work out so you have a solid self esteem and comfort knowing you are working on healing and being the best you can be and get to a point where you're on knowing that like everyone you'll make mistakes without meaning to or because of heat of moment and conditioning from childhood, attachment style, which over time gets improved, and you know the person's just saying how they feel because of your actions and no they don't need to address you in any way that is disrespectful or condescending or insulting. Just whatever it was you said or did and how they felt. I worked thru this too. Now I think about it and learn and grow from mistakes, and I will apologize and admit what I could have done better and will do, but not in a subjugated way. In a way that respects myself and the other person. Even if I have to prefaced it or follow it with, "you can tell me what I did and how you feel about it and leave the negativity out, respectful communication. That's something that will have you feeling more respect for them, and from them, because personally I admire when people genuinely apologize. I just hope it's not part of a predator of hoover move so the dismissive avoidant wall stays up until I can count on them to be consistent..
Grad student in psychology to become therapist for trauma and communication, I have 3 liberal arts and 1 bachelor's and it all helped me so much
I hope this helps you without sounding judgy but just respecting you and thanking you for sharing it and wanting things to be easier with your husband.
Is there something about his tone or approach that triggers thus defensiveness?
Also voice to text, sorry for bad syntax and grammar, fingers too cold to text properly. It's below freezing here 😢
I am too scared of what my husband will do to me if I try to divorce him. He is a narcissist. He will try to destroy me. I shut down when he starts to tell me what I should be thinking. I have no money so I am trapped until one of us dies. I may just do myself in, one day. There is no way out.
There is a way out. Believe in Jesus Christ and He will deliver you. He will guide your steps. The Lord is good to those who trust in Him.
There's ways out we can do it.dont leave evidence that you are.
Be strategic, have a plan, and make sure you factory reset your phone before escaping just in case he downloaded a gps/tracking app into your phone without your knowledge and sell your car or just leave it behind because he could’ve put a gps tracker on it too… I watch true crime that’s why I always bring that up to women in dangerous situations
The question that I need answered.
How do I get my power back ?
A lifetime with my sibling has been nothing but pain no matter how I approach it.
Even when treating them with kindness they take advantage of it for themselves. It’s like , oh now I can smoosh and get what I want. He thinks in dollar signs.
We all quit helping him so we are all enemy number 0ne.
And attacks our beliefs because we don’t align with him. Hes so angry. Says he not but I think he’s learned how to stuff it down in himself. And that’s scares me. And everyone in this family.
The only peace I find dealing with him is Not to even try anymore. Our grown kids in theirs 50’s are done with him because if their own lifetime experiences. He went from drugs and alcohol to his own religious beliefs. Now he’s attitude is condemning toward all of us.
It’s too toxic !
There is a reason why human beings cry. GaborMatte has explained it verysimply. It stems from childhood. I do not believe that in mastcases, tears are manipulation.
When narcissists talk about narcissists 😂
Explain???
When a person is screaming at you, whotouhabeknownand married to for 17 years, and you are the one who is crying. Ok, there is a serious issue with this speaker if he's saying it is beingmanipulative. REALLY
That's not what he's saying. If you listen at 33:17 he talks about situations and specifically mentions that one crying in response during an argument in with an abusive partner is a different thing, not manipulative.
I understand you! 21 years married to an angry crazy man who was not satisfied until I was so scared and emotionally shaken that I'd start to cry. There was no way to walk away - he chased after me, angry that I even attempted to leave the situation. And when I'd cry his favorite thing to say then was "oh there you go, turning on the waterworks." As if there was any way to control it after a 10 min berating from him. Then he'd scream how I was trying to manipulate him with my tears. Or he'd start into me in the car, where there really is no way to escape. That became his game for several years. I hated having to go anywhere with him because I truly was trapped.
No, your tears are in response to abuse not used to manipulate.
@@lizz486men who mock you like that when you're crying are vile. Anyone who does that. For the reality is they are well aware they just trashed you, deliberately provoking you to get that response of pain and hurt, which gives them great delight, and then belittle you. They set it up and are awaiting your anticipated response
They do not deserve any of your heart:
Jesus said
'Cast not your pearls before the swine, lest they turn and rend you to pieces'
Your tears are pearls and He will remember every one of them and wipe them away
He doesn't understand the needs of his six years old granddaughter , he wanted her to ignore her thirst, and the need to feel generosity over rigidity. It's because he doesn't understand that kids supposed to be narcissistic, they are not small adults! Poor child with such a stupid grandpa
Yes, children of that age are narcissistic due to their developmental age, but I disagree with your take on him disregarding her needs. They were at checkout and he reminded her of their previous conversation, told her they would get something to drink at home, and they proceeded there. He in no way ignored nor denied her needs.
Please tell me you’re joking.