How to Deal with Someone who is Verbally Attacking You!

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Thanks for watching!

[@dameanvil]

- 00:03 🧠 Stay curious during attacks to understand their origin and motives.
- 00:14 🧘‍♂ Practice dynamic silence for 45 seconds to a minute to defuse aggression.
- 01:03 👂 Consider if you're missing something the other person is trying to communicate.
- 02:00 💼 Acknowledge the other person's pressures to clear logjams and reduce attacks.
- 02:54 🎭 Recognize manipulation tactics aimed at making you uncomfortable to gain concessions.
- 03:50 🔍 Use curiosity to identify if the issue is due to not listening, unrecognized pressure, or manipulation.
- 04:32 🚫 Confront manipulators directly about their counterproductive behavior if necessary.
- 05:28 💬 Use the "I message" technique to highlight what they stand to lose if behavior doesn't change.
- 06:50 🔄 Structure the "I message" to focus on consequences rather than feelings.
- 07:30 ⚖ Address persistent unproductive behavior sparingly to maintain influence.
- 08:00 🛡 Employ "I message" effectively for threats, demands, and ultimatums.

[@Brandon-gw4ed]

Thank you!

[@Ladyinred001]

“Unless you’re dealing with a sociopath”.

[@offchan]

I've talked with a person suffering from narcissistic personality disorder and the labeling technique still works with him even when he doesn't have any empathy for anyone. But empathy is usually not enough for narcissists. Even if they are wrong, they will not tolerate the feeling of shame and will project their shame onto you instead. It's like uno reverse card. First time I noticed that I was completely flabbergasted. "They know that we know that they are wrong and yet they still insist on arguing. How is such kind of shameless behavior even possible in this world?"
I have learned that, with narcissists, you need more than empathy. You need to compliment or admire them somehow. You have to only talk about what they will gain and lose. Do not ever talk about what you should gain because they don't care.
For example, if they use silent treatment on you, you should ask "When you give me silent treatment, it makes me unable to communicate good ideas to you, how is that good for you?"
Notice that we focus on what they will gain or lose. We do not tell them that we are mad or stuff like that.
In conclusion, almost all humans are influenced by empathy, including people suffering from challenging personality disorder. It's the question of whether that's enough. Try empathy first, then try admiration, if they don't work then assert hard. Usually after you empathize with somone, you will develop a very strong position that you can assert very easily because your position already addresses all their concerns.

[@Ladyinred001]

@@offchan it is indeed through labeling that it’s even possible to have a dialogue with these type of personalities. When it comes down to business I only found these personas workable when pinned against each other. So, I often try negotiating by orchestrating meetings in which I prepare to play them against each other. Using admiration as a tool to make them compete. They are quite often blind sided since it is their weakness.

[@offchan]

​@@Ladyinred001 Yep, narcissists never think they are being manipulated because they think they are too smart to be manipulated. If you admire them, they will never perceive it as fake because their false-self truly believe that they are the best person in the world and deserving of all admirations. Even if you say that they are full of empathy, they will still think it's true even when they lack empathy.
This means that narcissists can be manipulated quite easily. You just have to NOT fight them. Acknowledge that they cannot backdown and will never lose in a game of asserting dominance, it's in their DNA. They will take you to court even if they are your friends. Do not fight narcissists. They prefer to lose everything as long as they feel that they are superior than you.
These are example admirations that I've used in the past and they worked well:
- Your concessions on this issue demonstrates your integrity. (To encourage them to concede further)
- If I ask you to concede more, I'll be a person that doesn't appreciate your goodwill. So you are completely in control with the solution that we will choose now. What do you think is a good solution here? (To give them a sense of control. It's their oxygen)
I've learned that if you do these 3 things well on top of tactical empathy:
1. admiration/flattery
2. give the counterpart the feeling of control
3. discuss mainly on the counterpart's loss and gain rather than your own loss and gain
You will win more negotiations because these techniques do work with regular people as well. Just don't use it too much because regular people can feel insincerity easier than narcissists.

[@jameslay6505]

I-Message examples:
* When you say there's no room for negotiation, I feel pessimistic, because it seems like there's no chance for a win-win outcome.
* When I hear "just figure it out", I feel let down, because it makes me think my counterpart isn't as interested in the success of this deal as I am.
* When you tell me my opinion doesn't matter, I feel worried, because I don't want this to become an adversarial relationship.

[@davidr9876]

Sadly this doesn't work against my wife. She's got 30 years of built up material to fill any dynamic silence. She's perfectly happy to have me never say a word and her just vent and ad hominim until she finds something else to do or has to leave or go to bed.

[@DB-xe3ws]

And mine. I am only married for 7 years though.

[@Ladyinred001]

Have you ever said how you really feel?

[@THOMASReilly-dw8ee]

Is it an impossibility that thinking that you use this AGAINST your wife, results in a bad outcome?

[@offchan]

Nah. I don't believe it doesn't work. If you are truly curious about what she thinks and express it correctly, she will have to back down especially when what you say is a steelman of her perspective. Sometimes you don't go deep enough and the other side doesn't feel heard that's why they are still shouting back.
My experience tells me that this thing works even with a narcissist. If it doesn't work with your wife, maybe she is beyond a narcissist. I think it's more highly likely that you used it incorrectly or that your frustration prevents you from being curious.
Here's the thing: If you use tactical empathy correctly, the other side is forced to connect with you because tactical empathy is ultimately about building rapport and connection. If she somehow rejects your empathy, she will feel as if she's declaring enmity and that's the last thing a "lover" wants to do. She will know that she is the cause of the communication breakdown and she will feel extreme guilt and shame, unless she is a narcissist. If she is a narcissist, she will not tolerate shame. She will instead say that you are the one that should be shameful. If she's really a narcissist, you should not be in a relationship with her anyway. Just end it man.

[@offchan]

This should convince you about tactical empathy and I-Message:
Rejecting an "I-message" can lead to feelings of guilt. This guilt arises because the rejecting party might recognize that the other person is making a genuine effort to communicate their feelings and needs in a non-confrontational way. By rejecting this attempt, they may feel they are not reciprocating the effort to maintain a healthy and empathetic dialogue.
For regular people, this guilt and shame would cause them to perform self-reflection and improve themselves. If they never perform self-reflection, this is a huge red flag. There's a high likelihood that they are narcissists. And that means you should break up with them.
Fortunately, it's easy to end the relationship with a narcissist in a love relationship. Opposite is happening with narcissistic business partner. Try hard not to commit business deals with narcissists because ending partnership in business involves legal implication, which is complicated and shit. I've done it before. I tried to exit the partnership and I ruminate about it everyday. It's very bad for your mental health.

[@Psych_spirit]

When you ... I feel... because.....