Games are fun when you're young but at my age (40) there's no bigger turnoff than a woman who either doesn't know what she wants or is unable to show her true feelings. Life is too short.
At age 66 I got involved with someone 15 years my junior and I was horrified--and appalled--by the ghosting, breadcrumbs and hot/cold games that my roommates 20-something daughter had to explain to me! I was so ANGRY, but as providence would have it, I discovered this channel and got to understand a whole new--and more compassionate--perspective.
If a man is not emotionally available, then no amount of green light from my side is ever going to be enough. It is exhausting to try to encourage, coo and cajole someone who doesn't want to take that step. Many many men really prefer to stay inside their own comfort zone instead of being with a woman. It is sad, but we cannot fix anyone, a healthy relationship can only work between two willing individuals.
I'm quite sure your green light wasn't clear enough... it's not explicitly saying "I want you in my bed", but it can be the step below that : what matters is that the guy gets clear windows and green light signals at that time : tell him you want him to come and say he wants you, and that it's gonna be ok because you want him too.
Not always. My ex and I were two willing individuals and in the end, I still left him. However, I kept my word and never will go back. Fortunately, God lead me to another man who is now my husband and I will stay with him till I'm dead.
@@steph.h. u may b head over heals but unable to sleep with him.all of which he knows and needs .is that an excuse for a male to hurt .u all r the same. Steph
To everyone who's arguing that when people push away "it actually means they just don't like you": you do realize that everybody is different, right? Susan specifically mentioned that it's important to listen to your intuition. You know if the connection/energy/spark/chemistry was there between the two of you. She is highlighting that SOME people don't just leave because they're uninterested. She is saying that SOME people leave and come back non-stop because they have unhealed trauma and that some people will push you away and make you feel unwanted when that's not really how they feel because of their own defense mechanisms. Did you not watch the video?
@Jade Lawson Thank you!! After reading some of these comments, I started wondering if anyone had bothered to watch it! 😅 Seems like a lot of commenters have some serious 'fear energy' themselves . . . and yet don't understand how an avoidant partner may be fearful too. *sigh* Take care 💕
Happened to me. I didn’t want a relationship but realized I can’t live without her. Gonna ask her to marry me this summer. Been together 3 happy years!!!
This generation is screwed Susan. We are all broken and terrified. This totally describes a situation I had. As soon as we got close and intimate he began freaking out and after 2 months I couldnt take it and called him out and he ran away. I know he was very emotional about it and recently removed me from his social media smh. I am so glad to have found your channel you are so calming when I freak out.
That happened to me too. Lol but he still follows me on social media. I just ignore his whole existence 😊. Everybody is scared so it’s his issue to work on alone.
Found the perfect answer to dating games: [ ] single [ ] taken [x] choosing my sanity because life’s too short to wait on women who can’t show their true feelings.
Points Being Made everyone’s entitled to an opinion.... call it what you want but try not to lose sight of the fact that you don’t know me or my experiences... thanks for weighing in on it though.
PzychoNoir I used to be the first to admit when I really like someone but I’ve become self-conscious of leaving myself emotionally exposed... I’m just not that guy anymore..... but who knows? Maybe someday I’ll feel different, I sure hope so because I don’t like having to be this way. I won’t say I’m broken but I have too much resentful anger built up inside.
Definitely had that before. They say all these words, do the push back thing, but then do stuff to show they are interested like ask about my day, work my shifts at work, all these different things.
Don’t do that. Never work out. They are commitment phobia. Read the book “Men who can’t love” and “he’s scared, she’s scared”. It’s a disorder, most likely child trauma or un-healed history. You can’t help them, even if you loved them. Run! Not even walk away, RUN! They need to get professional help, don’t go back unless they are willing to get help and put a lot of work on it.
I think being aware of the problem and wanting to fix it is enough to stay with them and allow them to love you at their own pace. People are so quick to run because someone else is different but guess what, someday you will meet someone who realizes that you to have your issues to work on and you would be devastated if they ran. Running is a coward's move.
Gotta be the light. Inspire with leadership. Inspire by simply doing you with eloquence. Working to fix is what'll break you. Leadership doesn't cost a thing. If they like you they'll be observing. Give them some light.
Run away? That is awful advice. No woman is going to run away unless they have another man to swing to for security. More practical advice is this: keep hoping he will exhibit more emotional comnectivity but do start dating around. You'll be better off and he will notice you are in demand.
Wow definitely agree... The reason they are pushing you away specially in introverts is that they want to be sure of your worth it to open up..be sure and conscise. Talk to . And let them prove you are worthy enough. And will never hurt them and your intentions are clear
When I was young I would have pursued and tried to make him feel secure. I found that doesn’t work and it’s his insecurity that doesn’t usually go away. Knowing what I know now I would walk away and find a more self assured man. I can’t fix any man and can only fix myself. Life is too short for all that!
sandramA heynemana I'm a little uneasy with this video... people are not projects. If someone can't handle their emotions I think they need to work on that before they get involved with and hurt someone in the process. You could be waiting patiently for years on someone who has no intentions of getting in touch with their emotions because as long as you're there... why do they have to? I'd rather start something with someone who is ready right now but I suppose that's all personal preference
sandramA heynemana There are two types of people those who wants to use you and those who wanna be used by you. There are people who likes you but are probably not ready for a serious relationship and doesn't want to break your heart therefore doesn't want to take advantage.. I was one of those people, even my female bosses would notice this and tell me I reject women. It's not insecurity. 😂
Rommel Cruz Sager maybe not all the time but it’s a big factor. I also think people who didn’t have secure relationships with their parents sometimes don’t know how to commit or are subconsciously afraid of rejection.
I agree with that totally. I had a women who was all keen on me . Her workmates would tell her , you need to talk to him if you're interested. She would blurt out when talking about what days she had off and i hadn't even asked. She invited me out but then claimed it was workmate who sent the message. if it was true that her workmate used her phone to send me that text . I still think it was her because why would one text message that i sent a few days ago suddenly pop up on top of her phone message list when she would have heaps of other texts from other people. So really she was interested or just seeking attention. Its definitely attention,.When i ignored her or only said hi instead of conversation with her ,Its sort of made her act really weird considering i didn't give her attention that she wanted/ She said that she was too busy for to go out on that date and she would get back to me. I just find it strange that some saying inst interested is still expecting to want to have conversations about her day and shit. I dont understand why she gives a shit whether i talk to her not if she not interested She leeds me on then gets pissed off that i moved onto other women instead of dealing with her attention games. I had my head messed with because she wanted attention and she was expecting me to just keep feeding her ego attention
b bardy wow, my brother informed me the guy I was interested in wanted me to stroke his ego. He is a Intimacy Avoider! I understand fear and risk. He is courageous as a dad, businessman, and struggles in this area. I am not ready to move on; working on healing myself at this juncture. He, alone, knows what he can handle. He wanted friendship, I wanted more. Thanks for sharing ur experiences!
Very confusing indeed! You can neither trust their words nor their actions. Been there. This is nearly unsolvable, unless they try. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't ...
“Never put our lives on hold for another person.” Thank you Susan for your invaluable advice.👏 I dated a narcissist last year and he tried to put my life on hold for his selfish reasons. I’m so thankful I had the discernment and courage to move on! Now, I’m happy, healthy and chasing my dreams!❤️
Yep! Me right now!! I've just decided to move the hell on, I don't have time for this madness. I've made it known how I feel, but I can't do it any longer. Get this I walked Away in 2015 and he searched me out and found me in 2017 for what!?!? Nope! I'm done
This was good information. I've reached the conclusion that some stars are to be enjoyed and adored from a distance, never to be brought near. Thank you.
Some times in dating the person might say they dont want a relationship. But yet, still will do things with you like you are in a relationship. While he explore others on a dating site. I was on and off 3 years with this guy I really loved. Gave much mixed signals. However, every year during Thanksgiving and Christmas he became distance. This year I had enough, especially after I asked him if we will spend Thanksgiving togeter. My ex was home that day alone and he did not want me to come by. Two hours later he said well if he goes out somewhere we can go out, but he does not want to lead me on. Then he said that he dont want me to rely on him for his happiness. That is where I drew the line. I told him "no worries" I have made dinner plans already. I then told him thanks for asking. And I never called him back. When you are in your late 40's as my ex, then these games and mixed emotions need to change..
This is like acupuncture for the soul listening to her and breathing her words in is a restorative meditation of mentored healing and empowerment. I typically never smile a learned habit. But after watching these videos a smile escapes my face because it resonates and removed the toxin an area of distress I never realized was there.
Don't waste your time while they are trying to figure it out. You cannot know that the person secretly wants you even if you suspect it. Just keep it moving.
I was in that situation a long time ago: my gut was screaming that this guy likes me too but everything he did was completely opposite and led to conclusion that he is not into me. And friends used to tell me: can't you see that he is just not interested, let it go. Nothing ever happened between us sadly. This whole time I was thinking that I was delusional but it is finally clear to me what was going on. Thank you so much Susan, you are the best!💜
No Ne Same! And I hate that my friends are not helping with the grieving process (I moved away.) Hopefully I will see him again when he is more confident..
This is EXACTLY what has been happening to me. And I knew that he just had to be scared. And that I wasn't crazy for still feeling that connection with him.
I used to be this person when I first started going out on dates in my early 20s. Would freak out and not feel anything if a guy liked me. Was afraid of opening up and was basically a surface level version of myself. I was so unhealed inside and repressing all my childhood trauma and fear of rejection and intimacy. After I started doing more work on myself the tables turned and I ended up in the same dynamic except I was on the other side. I stayed because the person wasnt direct with me - the connection was real but the timing was not. It was just meant to be a lesson for me to realize and heal deeper parts of my self. The self healing work has been some of the most liberating work I've done in my life and has allowed me to reconnect with myself. I think a part of me maybe is holding onto an attachment to this person even though it has been so long and I know I need to let it go because it was a trauma bond. So I'll take this video as a sign that I not put my heart on hold anymore because I really shut down emotionally from everyone and everything since I had my heart broken. It's made me face another truth about my childhood and why I'm afraid of love.
I can never tell if someone is saying/acting according to how they feel. I never know if my gut feeling is right or wrong.... I've been fooled so many times...
I've been there for so many years.. What has really helped me is learning to put myself first in these situations and in life in general. It is not easy but can be learned. Also, introducing a little habit into my daily life where I'm not interrupted and just with my thoughts for 10-20 min or so. When there's less noise I can hear what my gut is telling me. All the best x
You are wonderful, Susan. Thank you. I am actually the "runner" and yes, having them stay calm and consistent, knowing I am "self cherishing" or self-preserving is what I need. It relieves my fears.
And they keep doing it over and over and over and when the partner leaves, they come crying... They are emotionally immature! They can't manage their feelings! You have a life to live and other things to do! Don't forget, a lot like attention and be chase! They are scared to be hurt so they hurt you and then try to shame you and make you ''understand'' to not play with people's feeling! As stupid as it gets! Lastly, make sure they're not seeing other people! Often they will play this ''am scared of us'' thing but is always texting others, calling others... Don't be stupid and see when she's playing you!
Are men not supposed to chase ? I’m lost here also just because she is texting other men doesn’t mean anything, I’m sure if you’re dating you are still communicating with other women . Let’s not play the blame game sir .
YAAAAAASSSSSSSS. I can't believe how pure, and broken down this is and how much it resonates with my heart. You're so awesome. "Too busy educating yourself. " girl that's right.
Maturity not base on age ..but by experience and emotionally intelligent . you can be 50 but still play game u can be 25 but mature and great attitude, ive seen alot. Common you all know this.
Thank you! This is actually how my relationship was. After dating for 2 months this man moved right down the street so we can spend more time together. He moved further from his job. Then after he moved he became distant. Now we still talk and spend time together but he says he just can’t commit. He calls me EVERYDAY! He has been hurt in the past and I know he is just afraid. It’s getting better now that I have been using the laws of attraction
That’s why she says give it a LITTLE bit of time. Not to stick around forever while they make up their mind. Take care of yourself without an apology while also having compassion for others 😊
Your videos are very helpful. I stopped pursuing months ago because I was spinning my wheels. He checks in on me from time to time and finds a way to bring us together without seeming like he is trying to, and then there's always some game or roadblock. I feel so convinced that he is manipulating me.
Jonathon Denson Yes! I relate. I had someone do this for 5 years during a dating hiatus. He would message me, seem very interested. Genuinely care about me and my life ... always peaking in, meetings and ghosting. (No, we weren’t hooking up). I recently had a psychic/shaman tell me directly, without explaining the story(stories), “stop wasting your time with insecure men”. The good news is that you are probably a warm caring individual who deserves someone on your level.
This is spot on regarding someone I was involved with. I walked away from him a few months ago. We’ve known each other for 12 years and been involved for short periods of time over the years. This time I gave him more time. I know he loves me as I can feel it. I can see it in his eyes. And I know I’m the one he can never really let go of. But he won’t move forward and I know it’s because of his fear rather than what he says; that he cannot do a relationship. After not speaking to him for two months, he is tip toeing back in. This video helps me understand how to handle things.
Susan, you are a beautiful person. In my perspective, sometimes with individuals like this, nothing is ever enough for them to get them out of their fear. I was recently told by a person I had a strong connection with, that they were fearful because I am “so attractive, talented, smart, and balanced” and they don’t understand why I’m attracted to them. Obviously, those are the characteristics he believes he has not. Sometimes, it may be a good thing when someone pushes us away because in my case, it seems that no matter how much empathy I’ve shown or reassurance, they still remain stuck. In cases like mine, sometimes people have massive character repressions that would require years of individual coaching to break through. Great advise Susan - to give it a time frame and to not keep ones own life on pause.
Here’s another perspective on it. I’m undoubtedly the type of guy to push the people I love away. What I’ve learned about myself is I do this because I know I’m not a good person. I care so much I’m willing to suffer and let you go to be with someone who will be able to give you what you want. I know I wouldn’t want my daughter to date a guy like me. And that’s saying a lot. If someone is willingly pushing you away I suggest you listen. Not every situation is the same but keep that in mind
ur absolutely right, i had such a strong connection with her, i could tell there was magic, electricity sparks between us, when i told her I wanted us to be together she said she felt nothing and started to push me away. i asked my female friends and they all said that there was nothing but i knew i was not crazy. there is now a huge distance between us and she said she is getting back with her Ex. so i have moved away.
Thank you Susan, you just put and end to an inquiry in my head about this guy, I felt the connection and there was huge spark but he pushed me away, I have been torturing myself thinking I did something wrong. God bless you thank you sooo much.
But if you haven’t even begun dating yet, is this applicable? My gut instinct says he’s interested and attracted to me but... is shy, lacks self-confidence due to being over weight and I believe is afraid of being rejected as I am!
Hi Susan. I'm just get to know you recently, and i learned a lot from you. All I want to says is, thank you Susan for helping me to pull back my feeling in sense of love from the guy who's gave me so many mixed massages. He always sent me the wrong signals where i used to be blocked and pushed away by him when i tried to step forward. I can strongly feel that he is feeling insecure in any relationship with women. He's been flirting around with others before i get to know him well and he does the same thing to those ladies when they want to get closer in the relationship. He refused to talk about his last relationship which is left him a lot of pain. So far we keep our relationship as close friend where we used to sharing a lot things. I left my message to him last night, "Let's talk and make things clear!" in a good way.. and he replied: Let's celebrate our friendship, return the same text to me (him) if I am still your dear friend." Well, his reply doesn't shocked me, cause I already figured out what he is going to tell. Somehow i didn't mad at him but I'm really feel sympathy to him. I'm still be friend with him and sharing your advise to him, wish he can be benefited. Once again, thank you so much Susan, Love You! From Jien
you are one of the most brilliant people I've ever listened to. You're so sane. I'm tracking with you all the way!! thanks for validating the times where I knew a person liked me but they didn't move forward!!
Women with BPD exhibit this kind of behaviour. Stay away! They will eventually discard you when they realize you have strong feelings for them. They get scared and do not believe that someone can really love them because they do not value themselves.
So what would be the best way to act towards you when you do this? Especially if I want a relationship with you, I know we're very attracted to each other but you keep ghosting me, and saying mean things but acting the opposite way. How would I get you to just be honest with me so we could move on?
Thank goodness! I'm an intuitive person by nature and I'm faced with exactly this situation. Like you said, I thought my inner voice was off kilter because she would say and do one thing then seem to push me away. I even had a close friend of mine watch us both and read her text messages that were sent to me. The friend assured me that I wasn't crazy but still... Thank you Susan. You've given me extra confidence that I'm doing the right thing.
This is my problem ever since I was young. A few people who expressed their interest in me thought that I'm not interested in them, but it's the opposite. I appreciate all their efforts despite of my actions. I complain about not having a love life, but when it's there, I'm too scared to try so I always take a step back. I know one day I have to totally fix this, but I'm using it as a reminder to just focus on myself for now. I'm sorry to the recent guy who also thought that I'm not interested to talk to him when he's all that I can think of everyday 😶. The problem is obviously on me for this part.
Thank you so much for this video. It perfectly describes what i have been going thru for the past few months. I literally thought i was crazy, one day i was sure that this connection i felt so strongly was real and then a few days later i would convince myself that it was all in my head. i was starting to think i was crazy.
Omg I needed this! I feel such relief! I've been beating myself up, feeling crazy, and incredibly lost. This wise advice makes complete sense! My sweet boyfriend is such a good man but his frequent and sometimes harsh distancing has been making me miserable and confused. Now I feel understanding to give him space and compassion to love myself. Time will give us direction but no more crying myself to sleep. Thank you!
I like what she said cause i myself pushed a guy away many times because i was afraid of getting hurt again, rejection, and played. I miss this person but i wished he would've been more open and communicated more with me.
This hits home here. I am so guilty of this. I did something to give an impression of disinterest, it was the polar opposite. I was just acting out due to my feelings. That other person of course would not get this.
I'd like to say, there is more to the pushback than fear. When two people have different personal boundary needs ... I'd love to hear your thoughts on maintaining boundaries within relationship please Susan
Absolutely, I was scared also before watching your videos. We all have different timing in awareness, which may require patience from others. You also have to give yourself a deadline to maintain your own sanity.
I'm so glad you talked about this. I have found myself in this situation more than once. But while being confused I also had that strong gut feeling the other person had feelings there. I just assumed it was in my head
I'm amazed at how so many of your videos seem tailored to me and appear in my recommended list at such apropos times. Your brevity, clarity, sincerity, and sagacity are very valuable to me. Thank you!
This is so helpful. I have been seeing someone who every time we get a little closer, he pulls back and says something that confuses where we are. My gut is rarely wrong about people and with him, it tells me he is uncomfortable and insecure because I am WAY out of his comfort zone. Remembering that and being calm for awhile are great tips for me to move forward myself confidently.
I have been pushing away people and potential lovers for a long time just to protect myself from being hurt. I always pretend that we are just friends. Because I love them and I don’t wanna end up hating them after a breakup. However, I still know that we like each other and it bothers me. So, it’s like protecting me and protecting them as well. I ended up being so lonely because of my own fears and pursue of safety. Your interpretation was great and it is something that I’ve never heard before💕.
This video resonated with me, thank you for your wise words Susan! You're one of the only coaches who seems to talk about listening to your intuition and gut. I appreciate your wise words
I intimidate pretty much everyone. It makes me think sometimes I may be doing something wrong. However I'm self assured and dont let it get me down. I take it as a compliment and move forward
I had a conversation with the guy I was been dating in the summer and talking on line since about this. He told me he had shut down emotionally as he didnt want to lead me on as we live far away. In his mind opening himself to growing feelings equals commitment he couldn't see happening in our circumstances. We are still talking though..4 months on - feelings are there for sure. I am just providing a "safe harbour" for now but time is ticking and I ll move on to be in integrity with myself . Thanks for highlighting this issue.
He tells me all of a sudden,that he has a girlfiend,throwing harsh words at me,start to talk formal and so on.He becomes like an icesculpture. It is so painful. I feel he loves me,I'm not crazy!Thank you so much for this video,dear Susan 💕
Nothingman yes,he surely has a good side. But,there's more to this story. What I know is,that he loves me,only circumstances are not for us. I keep it playful and calm with him and go on with my life. Who knows,maybe one day...,thank you for your reply💓
Susan it’s exactly what I lived in my last relationship our relationship was more than beautiful as he already said . perfect timing ,perfect, chemistry ,perfect time in our intimacy life we were just Matching incredibly but after a problem that happened with him he literally pushed me away and became being just respectful but I felt that did not want me anymore in his life because of the problem he was facing after I helped him out to get rid of his problem I felt that he needed time for his self and personally I was not ready to wait more than I waited so far so I walked away after three months we met again and it was exactly the same chemistry between us that he left but after our meeting he kept pushing me away although he told me this was the last time he will do this so I decided really to really move on and live what I had to live and to not punish my self by letting myself alone I deserve to be loved just the way I do with the others .... than I accidentally found your videos and things are so much easier to think thank you so much 😊 Be well 🥰
Susan, thank you!! This scenario you’re describing is me and my friend in a nutshell. The chemistry is great, we most definitely like each other. But he is so afraid... I see it when he talks to me, I hear it sometimes in his voice, he’s a true “fearful avoidant” but I see the deeper part of him. I have a pretty good secure attachment style, with some anxious attachment only when evoked. But overall I feel he is worth getting to know. I always try to exhibit confidence even when his fears sometimes intimidate me a little . Then I go back to that secure place knowing that it’s ok for me to always be my authentic self and no matter what fears he has, I always remember I have the ability and the willingness to push past those fears and continue being my authentic self. I want to be a safe space for him, and vice versa, because whether he knows it or not he deserves me.
This is amazing advice, thank you so much. It is exactly what I’m going through but I am letting him walk away. He has trauma from his childhood. He is my friend forever and I will be here if he needs me. If he is ready to get serious and take a chance one day and I’m single I’ll give him a chance. We are definitely a perfect match but live 4 hours apart. It’s not easy but I wouldn’t leave him because of the distance. I would get creative and make it work. The chemistry, compatibility it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced. My intuition screams at me. I could be about to drop a tear and he calls before it drops. We can be eating n it’s the same exact thing. Our houses are exactly the same colors, walls, curtains, cars. We are twin souls. It is painful being on bad terms with him but time will tell.
So true, time frame is key. You’ll know if they are experiencing their own emotional hardship or if they’re playing games if you observe. They’ll eventually grow close with you if they really care, or they’ll have on & off periods with no real closeness if they’re just playing you
Omg my boyfriend left randomly last October 2019 out of a blue which felt sooo blindsiding and painful. I thought everything was peaceful but every time we talked future he would throw a wrench and I would say “why is it you feel like love and can see and feel your soul when you look at me But you act like you don’t care”. He would brush it off. We met up few times but I realize he was getting to bake the cake and eat it all. So I had to respect myself and stop. He left me with debts and broken dreams. I am healing and working on myself everyday and believe what’s meant for won’t miss me. But at times I feel his energy so strongly and it comes in different forms and I don’t know what to make of it. 🙏🏼
For me, the main attraction for a man is that he is really into me. If the guy is so damaged that he keeps pulling away, due to fear, than I feel compassion for him, but will move along. This happened to me recently. We were really into one another, but he's a mess. I wished him the best in life, but I have a life to live too, and time waits for no man or woman. It was extremely difficult, but I could not put my own sense of self on the back burner for him. Good Luck everyone.
I had this and I even wrote about it in comments. I pursued and all but I got heartbroken and frankly a little ego bruised pursuing a 53 year old man, as a 27 year old girl.. I even told him I was patient enough for him to open up in time and he didn't have a response for three days. I blocked him. I'm still sad but I think it was for the best. Give the green light you guys, life is too short to agonize others and ourselves
I have to say as an older guy, I would discourage a young girl for her own good. He is going to be a wrinkled up, maybe unhealthy 70 yr old man while you will be in your health . He may have ditched you because he cares.
Ezgi Çetin He did you a favour he is to old for you and he knows it. But must have been hard for you when you really liked him your young you have lots of time to find a nice guy.
Susan Winter - Very helpful, this confirms what I’ve been thinking about my advoidant ex. We dated six months and he said he never gave his heart to anyone due to his trust issues but he was gave his heart to me...very vocal about loving me and wanting to marry me. Then, in month 6 we had some conflicts he couldn’t handle. As he pulled away, I pushed harder and he broke up with me mid November. Since that time he has not initiated any contact. I initiated limited contact via text with him. At first he ignored some of my texting, then he warmed up to playful bantering and twice now he’s even invited me over to his place. Major progress. I thought it was best to keep things light and try to build trust and a positive rapport between us. He said he didn’t know the reason for the split, but I think the conflicts caused him to doubt us as he told me he at the break that he didn’t think we’d last long-term. The question that has been plaguing me is- why doesn’t he ever initiate contact with me? He recently told me I can have him anytime I want him. Should I take him up on it? Or should I be concerned he doesn’t reach out to me first? I agree limited time frame is key- I can’t be casual forever as he grapples w his issues. I feel like he’s a scared turtle in a shell.
I love you Susan. You just make everything so clear and you validate my emotions and the intuition “inklings” I have and constantly try to ignore or talk down to. Now if only he could hear this!!!! 😄
Well I agree with this for the most part. Like you said.....you need to put a time frame on it. So by definition the actiins *do* really like you. Now the only slightly disagree part is the actions are honest in that they refuse to let it move forward. If they are too scared and chose somebody else who is easier to deal with or that they are less connected to, I thinks thier actions are saying how emotionally mature they are and want to be. So they may like you and care about you, but I think I am gonna fall back on my favorite line of yours.....they don't have the skill set to be with and they are happy just coasting in a minimal effort relationship
Susan, I think you are really wonderful. You are so well-spoken, insightful, and compassionate, and you give great advice and really help people. Thank you for helping a lot of us make sense of all of this in today's dating world.
I went through this recently. Unfortunately this person was long distance which made the situation already a little complicated. He is 46 and comes across as very wise, intuitive and evolved. It ought to have been a red flag that things progressed so quickly but there was very strong attraction on both sides, we have a lot in common. The conversations we had were unbelievably deep, stimulating, wonderful, and it progressed to being very loving quickly. He told me I was the One and many other beautiful things pretty much 2 weeks later. The first roadblock came just before I left to visit him and it was shocking but I sort of knew it was just a fearful reaction and continued with my plans anyway, we ended up meeting. The second roadblock came literally the next day and I couldn't deal. I had to leave town anyway soon after and our "relationship" was left ambiguous, a few days later he announced on facebook he is in a new relationship. Throughout this process I have questioned MY sanity, questioning what was real... ultimately I think he has a lot of childhood wounds and trauma. I am moving on with greater awareness and discernment, and I am keeping myself open and available to emotionally healthy partners only.
Thank you Susan❤you are always here for us.God sent with your soothing energy and mastered perspective with deep wisdom. Love you so much for sharing it with us.
Great video Susan, and very relatable. Going through a situation like this. Before I realized that the person's distance and hesitancy was because they were really into me, and their natural defense mechanism was telling them to pull away, I approached my crush in person. And told her in a very polite manner, the games need to stop (now looking back, I should have told her how I felt and that I liked them. Perhaps this would have allowed them to open up themselves). Her response after I told her "the games need to stop", she looked up from down at her feet and said, "what games?" with a genuine bewildered look on her face. I believe she really did not know what I was talking about which I find so very interesting and yet saddening, because it tells me someone is so scared their natural defense mechanisms take over and they don't even realize what they are doing. To them it is the only way forward.
This is a deep topic. Ive been getting signals from someone I work with and I'm hesitant to move forward because we work together and mixed signals. Trust intuition and your gut Susan hit it on point. Preciate cha
Made me re-learn that no one has a right to put our life on hold for one unsure person. I was that unsure person and kept someone on hold. I paid the piper.
a man do that to me. I collect my gut and write him a letter but he never give me any feedback. on the other hand, he chat me on social media. what a surprise... I am tired.
Thank you so much Susan. I 've been discovering you a few weeks ago, and your videos helped me so much! I'm exactly living this situation, with a really good, both masculine and sensitive but strong man, who had lots of problems in his two former loving relationships...and is terrified of hurting someone again. For example one of the girl tried to commit suicide when they broke up, jumping from the second floor...and he courageously went to see her at the hospital. I know he cares (too much) but sincerely for me. Keeping my calm is helping a lot, in the way that I, by the way I keep control of my emotions, which remains positive when my fears don"t show too much, am not a problem for him. I learned to trust my guts, express to him the way I felt in this relation, which is very healthy for both of us, and wanted to live it fully. And it had a strong impact..It let him with no words but a very soft smile. Thanks to you I was able to express with honesty, and all my warmth, that I was responsible for my feelings, and that he didn't have to limit the way I wanted to feel it. I take care of myself, in order not to put pressure on him, and keep going. i enjoy we are intimate and know each other truly and deeply, share a lot. This exact video helped me, cause I don't want to stay eternally in this situation if it doesn't evolve...I 'll keep today the "time frame" idea.To me, and though I watched different "lovecoaches" to learn more and more, you are the best. All my gratitude for you Susan, excuse my english, I'm french.
I’m so glad I stumbled on to you! You explained everything that’s going on with me and the man I love! He’s so afraid of commitment, that he acts hot and cold! Thank you so much! I love your style and intellect...
And I love how you get in to the bottom of things and express them through words, which is hard to put in words or explain. You are amazing❤️ it’s like you always say those things ,I can’t explain but feel. That’s amazing❤️
Susan, you're seriously, honestly, the best. thank you so much for sharing all of these videos and realistic situations, and your opinions on these matters. much love and appreciation to you. thank you 💙 I'm learning so much with you. 🙃👣💙
My Gut & Soul feelings have never been stronger, but, now I’m thinking it’s her hypergamous instinct. The lying by omission was In-except-able. She would ask questions about me and I opened up like never before, to show good faith and when I asked questions she would avoid or be very ambiguous and vague, then say that all I did was talk about myself. I snapped, she blocked me but came back just to be the one to reject. The hardest part for me is the damage done the my trust in my gut/soul! I’m having a very hard time trusting my intuition now...
It’s been almost four years no contact. Until I just sent a Christmas Card. I know, how lame am I! Guess I just dodged a bullet. I like to go with the path of least resistance, but her walls are way to thick and tall. I’m not crazy but it feels like some-kind of witchcraft. Just shoot me!
Start heal yourself meditate. Of you feel a connection with your soul there is indeed a connection. The soul doesn't lie. Heel everything from your past. Than the right one will come to jou
You are right, bc this is me!! I get overwhelmed and think perhaps I like the other person way more than they like me, so I push away, afraid to commit to someone not equally as invested.
Thank you Susan! I have to tell you that your advice is beyond inspiring. After weeks of intense flirting I kissed my crush and he pulled way back... when he came back around I called him out (in a nice way) and it felt great to stand up for myself. I told him that I wasn’t delusional and I don’t go around kissing people for no reason. Haha. Anyway, he called and asked me out again so I’m curious to see if he’s thought about it and will expand or if this is just another cycle of torment. Gah. So I love the idea of a time limit. I’m going to try that! 💜💜💜
@@ianbetts4435 I went back for a few more cycles of torment before I decided that he was either not ready, not into me and/or too messed up, scared etc. to open his heart. He may have had some narcissistic leanings as well, because I got the sense he liked to feel my adoration but wasn’t willing to reciprocate. So what happened is that eventually I got tired of being treated poorly and moved on. Also, perhaps he consciously or unconsciously realized that we didn’t share important life ambitions, looking back I don’t think we were all that compatible.
Reality - it is NOT always a game. I have no regrets for rejecting a man who I truly love and who loved and cared about me and moving on to wait for a better man or, if need be, remain single for the rest of my life. Being single isn't ideal, but its wiser for some people. Luckily I didn't end up with that guy and I have a guy who also truly loves me and I have chosen to remain with him. Its not always a game. Its a choice.
![BOWKYLION - วิงวอน (ex-change) [Official MV]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/cLdnZWDaO-w/mqdefault.jpg)
"Don't be someone's down-time, spare-time, part-time or sometime. If they can't be there for you all the time, they're not even worth your time. "
Deep.. I like that
Neither are you worth their time.
🎯👏
Sounds like some co dependency issues
P
Games are fun when you're young but at my age (40) there's no bigger turnoff than a woman who either doesn't know what she wants or is unable to show her true feelings. Life is too short.
JC Morton Exactly JC. Same goes for men too. A big turn off
Yeah, a guy I'm interested in is 46! This crap should stop at his age. Sad.....
JC Morton good words.
we always need to know what we want...
JC Morton, same rule is applied to men, they get to a certain age and still don't know what they want, still playing the field. ....
At age 66 I got involved with someone 15 years my junior and I was horrified--and appalled--by the ghosting, breadcrumbs and hot/cold games that my roommates 20-something daughter had to explain to me! I was so ANGRY, but as providence would have it, I discovered this channel and got to understand a whole new--and more compassionate--perspective.
If a man is not emotionally available, then no amount of green light from my side is ever going to be enough. It is exhausting to try to encourage, coo and cajole someone who doesn't want to take that step. Many many men really prefer to stay inside their own comfort zone instead of being with a woman. It is sad, but we cannot fix anyone, a healthy relationship can only work between two willing individuals.
I'm quite sure your green light wasn't clear enough... it's not explicitly saying "I want you in my bed", but it can be the step below that : what matters is that the guy gets clear windows and green light signals at that time : tell him you want him to come and say he wants you, and that it's gonna be ok because you want him too.
Actually that’s false. Even with both sides mutually willing, it can lead to an unhealthy relationship.
Hear hear!!!
Not always. My ex and I were two willing individuals and in the end, I still left him. However, I kept my word and never will go back. Fortunately, God lead me to another man who is now my husband and I will stay with him till I'm dead.
@@steph.h. u may b head over heals but unable to sleep with him.all of which he knows and needs .is that an excuse for a male to hurt .u all r the same. Steph
To everyone who's arguing that when people push away "it actually means they just don't like you": you do realize that everybody is different, right? Susan specifically mentioned that it's important to listen to your intuition. You know if the connection/energy/spark/chemistry was there between the two of you. She is highlighting that SOME people don't just leave because they're uninterested. She is saying that SOME people leave and come back non-stop because they have unhealed trauma and that some people will push you away and make you feel unwanted when that's not really how they feel because of their own defense mechanisms. Did you not watch the video?
Can't lower your value tho, it's a power struggle right off the bat...ain't no love in there. It's fear and negativity.
@@gilbertrobert439 You're right, it's important never to lower your value and settle for this.
@Jade Lawson Thank you!! After reading some of these comments, I started wondering if anyone had bothered to watch it! 😅 Seems like a lot of commenters have some serious 'fear energy' themselves . . . and yet don't understand how an avoidant partner may be fearful too. *sigh*
Take care 💕
Some are missing the point that she’s making about an avoidant partner who may be suffering from trauma.
💯
Happened to me. I didn’t want a relationship but realized I can’t live without her. Gonna ask her to marry me this summer. Been together 3 happy years!!!
Congrats. How did things go?
Congratulations!! How long were you away from her before you realized that you couldn’t be without her?
😏...
You know the you want to marry her so why did you decide to wait until summer?
This generation is screwed Susan. We are all broken and terrified. This totally describes a situation I had. As soon as we got close and intimate he began freaking out and after 2 months I couldnt take it and called him out and he ran away. I know he was very emotional about it and recently removed me from his social media smh. I am so glad to have found your channel you are so calming when I freak out.
Elle Ward sounds like we were dating the same big baby 😂😂
Lovely Elle. Thank you.
That happened to me too. Lol but he still follows me on social media. I just ignore his whole existence 😊. Everybody is scared so it’s his issue to work on alone.
Wow similar situation here.
Best wishes to you all on this journey.
Something happened to me also don't understand it
I love this lady, she’s so wise.
Absolutely
Me too!
Same :)
Also she’s incredibly eloquent and positive.
Found the perfect answer to dating games:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[x] choosing my sanity because life’s too short to wait on women who can’t show their true feelings.
Think PIONEERing sounds like the easy way out.
Do you tell her yours? Or always expect them to make a move? I told my crush. No reply.
Points Being Made everyone’s entitled to an opinion.... call it what you want but try not to lose sight of the fact that you don’t know me or my experiences... thanks for weighing in on it though.
PzychoNoir I used to be the first to admit when I really like someone but I’ve become self-conscious of leaving myself emotionally exposed... I’m just not that guy anymore..... but who knows? Maybe someday I’ll feel different, I sure hope so because I don’t like having to be this way. I won’t say I’m broken but I have too much resentful anger built up inside.
I am sick of the bs games and bought a T-shirt with:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[x] HUNGRY
on the front of it.
if they are running hot and cold then they are just not that interested or they have issues, either way you are better walking away.
It's also an early indication of infidelity down the line.
@@ak-47intelligence75 really? That's interesting!!!
@@agee7777 It is. Especially once you get burned.
In my Experiences, she distances herself, pushes away, and/or ghosts you.
@@UnexpectedWonder womens emotions are like a roller coaster, you have to mirror her actions. if she backs off, you back off too
I wish so much I had someone like this woman in my family. What a blessing she must be for her family.
Ironically, the least respected opinions are often your own family.
Definitely had that before. They say all these words, do the push back thing, but then do stuff to show they are interested like ask about my day, work my shifts at work, all these different things.
It's all about self protection.
This is insecure or avoidant attachment style. Have met a few because I have it as well....ugh....
Don’t do that. Never work out. They are commitment phobia. Read the book “Men who can’t love” and “he’s scared, she’s scared”. It’s a disorder, most likely child trauma or un-healed history. You can’t help them, even if you loved them. Run! Not even walk away, RUN! They need to get professional help, don’t go back unless they are willing to get help and put a lot of work on it.
Anita Lai thnks forthis comment
I think being aware of the problem and wanting to fix it is enough to stay with them and allow them to love you at their own pace. People are so quick to run because someone else is different but guess what, someday you will meet someone who realizes that you to have your issues to work on and you would be devastated if they ran. Running is a coward's move.
tbsdrummer87 it all depends my friend.......it all depends.
Gotta be the light. Inspire with leadership. Inspire by simply doing you with eloquence.
Working to fix is what'll break you. Leadership doesn't cost a thing. If they like you they'll be observing. Give them some light.
Run away? That is awful advice. No woman is going to run away unless they have another man to swing to for security. More practical advice is this: keep hoping he will exhibit more emotional comnectivity but do start dating around. You'll be better off and he will notice you are in demand.
Wow definitely agree... The reason they are pushing you away specially in introverts is that they want to be sure of your worth it to open up..be sure and conscise. Talk to . And let them prove you are worthy enough. And will never hurt them and your intentions are clear
When I was young I would have pursued and tried to make him feel secure. I found that doesn’t work and it’s his insecurity that doesn’t usually go away. Knowing what I know now I would walk away and find a more self assured man. I can’t fix any man and can only fix myself. Life is too short for all that!
sandramA heynemana I'm a little uneasy with this video... people are not projects. If someone can't handle their emotions I think they need to work on that before they get involved with and hurt someone in the process. You could be waiting patiently for years on someone who has no intentions of getting in touch with their emotions because as long as you're there... why do they have to? I'd rather start something with someone who is ready right now but I suppose that's all personal preference
sandramA heynemana There are two types of people those who wants to use you and those who wanna be used by you. There are people who likes you but are probably not ready for a serious relationship and doesn't want to break your heart therefore doesn't want to take advantage.. I was one of those people, even my female bosses would notice this and tell me I reject women. It's not insecurity.
😂
Rommel Cruz Sager maybe not all the time but it’s a big factor. I also think people who didn’t have secure relationships with their parents sometimes don’t know how to commit or are subconsciously afraid of rejection.
I agree with that totally. I had a women who was all keen on me . Her workmates would tell her , you need to talk to him if you're interested. She would blurt out when talking about what days she had off and i hadn't even asked. She invited me out but then claimed it was workmate who sent the message. if it was true that her workmate used her phone to send me that text . I still think it was her because why would one text message that i sent a few days ago suddenly pop up on top of her phone message list when she would have heaps of other texts from other people. So really she was interested or just seeking attention. Its definitely attention,.When i ignored her or only said hi instead of conversation with her ,Its sort of made her act really weird considering i didn't give her attention that she wanted/ She said that she was too busy for to go out on that date and she would get back to me. I just find it strange that some saying inst interested is still expecting to want to have conversations about her day and shit. I dont understand why she gives a shit whether i talk to her not if she not interested She leeds me on then gets pissed off that i moved onto other women instead of dealing with her attention games. I had my head messed with because she wanted attention and she was expecting me to just keep feeding her ego attention
b bardy wow, my brother informed me the guy I was interested in wanted me to stroke his ego. He is a Intimacy Avoider! I understand fear and risk. He is courageous as a dad, businessman, and struggles in this area. I am not ready to move on; working on healing myself at this juncture. He, alone, knows what he can handle. He wanted friendship, I wanted more. Thanks for sharing ur experiences!
Very confusing indeed! You can neither trust their words nor their actions. Been there. This is nearly unsolvable, unless they try. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't ...
So you gotta try, so you know we have done your best. Regret will eat you to the core if you don't.
@@SurasmitaMeher-ch3lo but you give up at some point. knowing when is one of the hardest things.
Amen! The wisest answer among the bunch.
@@SurasmitaMeher-ch3lo You can live with regret and carry on. I did and I never will go back to the ex.
“Never put our lives on hold for another person.” Thank you Susan for your invaluable advice.👏
I dated a narcissist last year and he tried to put my life on hold for his selfish reasons. I’m so thankful I had the discernment and courage to move on! Now, I’m happy, healthy and chasing my dreams!❤️
Yep! Me right now!! I've just decided to move the hell on, I don't have time for this madness. I've made it known how I feel, but I can't do it any longer. Get this I walked Away in 2015 and he searched me out and found me in 2017 for what!?!? Nope! I'm done
monica stewart wow
This was good information. I've reached the conclusion that some stars are to be enjoyed and adored from a distance, never to be brought near. Thank you.
Some times in dating the person might say they dont want a relationship. But yet, still will do things with you like you are in a relationship. While he explore others on a dating site.
I was on and off 3 years with this guy I really loved. Gave much mixed signals. However, every year during Thanksgiving and Christmas he became distance. This year I had enough, especially after I asked him if we will spend Thanksgiving togeter. My ex was home that day alone and he did not want me to come by. Two hours later he said well if he goes out somewhere we can go out, but he does not want to lead me on. Then he said that he dont want me to rely on him for his happiness.
That is where I drew the line.
I told him "no worries" I have made dinner plans already. I then told him thanks for asking. And I never called him back. When you are in your late 40's as my ex, then these games and mixed emotions need to change..
Denise Francis yes good for you that you walked away from that asshole!
Same happened to me. Acting like he likes me so much, but still talking with lots of girls and using dating apps. What did you do to move on? 😭
This is like acupuncture for the soul listening to her and breathing her words in is a restorative meditation of mentored healing and empowerment. I typically never smile a learned habit. But after watching these videos a smile escapes my face because it resonates and removed the toxin an area of distress I never realized was there.
Hi Christopher. What a lovely comment. Wishing you well.
YES I AGREE.
Very rare to come across.
Don't waste your time while they are trying to figure it out. You cannot know that the person secretly wants you even if you suspect it. Just keep it moving.
I was in that situation a long time ago: my gut was screaming that this guy likes me too but everything he did was completely opposite and led to conclusion that he is not into me. And friends used to tell me: can't you see that he is just not interested, let it go. Nothing ever happened between us sadly. This whole time I was thinking that I was delusional but it is finally clear to me what was going on. Thank you so much Susan, you are the best!💜
No Ne Same! And I hate that my friends are not helping with the grieving process (I moved away.) Hopefully I will see him again when he is more confident..
This is EXACTLY what has been happening to me. And I knew that he just had to be scared. And that I wasn't crazy for still feeling that connection with him.
Same here
Don't waste ur time he is insecure
kellyc612 sameee like the connection is strong and he doesn’t want to admit it but he just keeps throwing me away even though I’m helping them
Any updates
Jessica k what happened ?
I used to be this person when I first started going out on dates in my early 20s. Would freak out and not feel anything if a guy liked me. Was afraid of opening up and was basically a surface level version of myself. I was so unhealed inside and repressing all my childhood trauma and fear of rejection and intimacy. After I started doing more work on myself the tables turned and I ended up in the same dynamic except I was on the other side. I stayed because the person wasnt direct with me - the connection was real but the timing was not. It was just meant to be a lesson for me to realize and heal deeper parts of my self. The self healing work has been some of the most liberating work I've done in my life and has allowed me to reconnect with myself. I think a part of me maybe is holding onto an attachment to this person even though it has been so long and I know I need to let it go because it was a trauma bond. So I'll take this video as a sign that I not put my heart on hold anymore because I really shut down emotionally from everyone and everything since I had my heart broken. It's made me face another truth about my childhood and why I'm afraid of love.
I can never tell if someone is saying/acting according to how they feel. I never know if my gut feeling is right or wrong.... I've been fooled so many times...
I've been there for so many years.. What has really helped me is learning to put myself first in these situations and in life in general. It is not easy but can be learned.
Also, introducing a little habit into my daily life where I'm not interrupted and just with my thoughts for 10-20 min or so. When there's less noise I can hear what my gut is telling me. All the best x
@@IevaKambarovaite That's a great tip. Thanks !
After tearing up talking about his past, he’s so scared of seeing me I guess he’s afraid to face his feelings and he ghosted me since that night...
You are wonderful, Susan. Thank you. I am actually the "runner" and yes, having them stay calm and consistent, knowing I am "self cherishing" or self-preserving is what I need. It relieves my fears.
And they keep doing it over and over and over and when the partner leaves, they come crying... They are emotionally immature! They can't manage their feelings! You have a life to live and other things to do! Don't forget, a lot like attention and be chase! They are scared to be hurt so they hurt you and then try to shame you and make you ''understand'' to not play with people's feeling! As stupid as it gets! Lastly, make sure they're not seeing other people! Often they will play this ''am scared of us'' thing but is always texting others, calling others... Don't be stupid and see when she's playing you!
@@Aaaykaay you said it, salutations
Diamind Both genders don’t this to one another and hurt one another
Are men not supposed to chase ? I’m lost here also just because she is texting other men doesn’t mean anything, I’m sure if you’re dating you are still communicating with other women . Let’s not play the blame game sir .
You hit it on the nail. They so scared but they entertaining other people . That’s the situation I recently walked away from
@@JorgeLopez-mq1ir More guys do it though.
YAAAAAASSSSSSSS.
I can't believe how pure, and broken down this is and how much it resonates with my heart.
You're so awesome.
"Too busy educating yourself. " girl that's right.
Calm disposition and confident demeanor... This is the advice I need. Will maintain that ...
Maturity not base on age ..but by experience and emotionally intelligent . you can be 50 but still play game u can be 25 but mature and great attitude, ive seen alot. Common you all know this.
Can't agree more!
💯 I’ve seen this, too.
Thank you! This is actually how my relationship was. After dating for 2 months this man moved right down the street so we can spend more time together. He moved further from his job. Then after he moved he became distant. Now we still talk and spend time together but he says he just can’t commit. He calls me EVERYDAY! He has been hurt in the past and I know he is just afraid. It’s getting better now that I have been using the laws of attraction
That’s why she says give it a LITTLE bit of time. Not to stick around forever while they make up their mind. Take care of yourself without an apology while also having compassion for others 😊
Your videos are very helpful. I stopped pursuing months ago because I was spinning my wheels. He checks in on me from time to time and finds a way to bring us together without seeming like he is trying to, and then there's always some game or roadblock. I feel so convinced that he is manipulating me.
Jonathon Denson Yes! I relate. I had someone do this for 5 years during a dating hiatus. He would message me, seem very interested. Genuinely care about me and my life ... always peaking in, meetings and ghosting. (No, we weren’t hooking up).
I recently had a psychic/shaman tell me directly, without explaining the story(stories), “stop wasting your time with insecure men”. The good news is that you are probably a warm caring individual who deserves someone on your level.
This is spot on regarding someone I was involved with. I walked away from him a few months ago. We’ve known each other for 12 years and been involved for short periods of time over the years. This time I gave him more time. I know he loves me as I can feel it. I can see it in his eyes. And I know I’m the one he can never really let go of. But he won’t move forward and I know it’s because of his fear rather than what he says; that he cannot do a relationship. After not speaking to him for two months, he is tip toeing back in. This video helps me understand how to handle things.
Susan, you are a beautiful person. In my perspective, sometimes with individuals like this, nothing is ever enough for them to get them out of their fear. I was recently told by a person I had a strong connection with, that they were fearful because I am “so attractive, talented, smart, and balanced” and they don’t understand why I’m attracted to them. Obviously, those are the characteristics he believes he has not. Sometimes, it may be a good thing when someone pushes us away because in my case, it seems that no matter how much empathy I’ve shown or reassurance, they still remain stuck. In cases like mine, sometimes people have massive character repressions that would require years of individual coaching to break through. Great advise Susan - to give it a time frame and to not keep ones own life on pause.
I've literally just gone through this. Insecure people feel unworthy when they consider you to be 'out of their league.' Sigh
Maybe APD
Here’s another perspective on it. I’m undoubtedly the type of guy to push the people I love away. What I’ve learned about myself is I do this because I know I’m not a good person. I care so much I’m willing to suffer and let you go to be with someone who will be able to give you what you want. I know I wouldn’t want my daughter to date a guy like me. And that’s saying a lot. If someone is willingly pushing you away I suggest you listen. Not every situation is the same but keep that in mind
??
In what ways are you not a good person? Are you sure that statement is true?
he pushed away i pushed away and now he found another girl....deep down i know he does not feel/have the same chemistry, but i have to move on....
As long as people are not married, here is the reality check. He is allowed to choose someone else.
ur absolutely right, i had such a strong connection with her, i could tell there was magic, electricity sparks between us, when i told her I wanted us to be together she said she felt nothing and started to push me away. i asked my female friends and they all said that there was nothing but i knew i was not crazy.
there is now a huge distance between us and she said she is getting back with her Ex. so i have moved away.
Thank you Susan, you just put and end to an inquiry in my head about this guy, I felt the connection and there was huge spark but he pushed me away, I have been torturing myself thinking I did something wrong. God bless you thank you sooo much.
But if you haven’t even begun dating yet, is this applicable? My gut instinct says he’s interested and attracted to me but... is shy, lacks self-confidence due to being over weight and I believe is afraid of being rejected as I am!
Hi Susan. I'm just get to know you recently, and i learned a lot from you. All I want to says is, thank you Susan for helping me to pull back my feeling in sense of love from the guy who's gave me so many mixed massages. He always sent me the wrong signals where i used to be blocked and pushed away by him when i tried to step forward. I can strongly feel that he is feeling insecure in any relationship with women. He's been flirting around with others before i get to know him well and he does the same thing to those ladies when they want to get closer in the relationship. He refused to talk about his last relationship which is left him a lot of pain. So far we keep our relationship as close friend where we used to sharing a lot things. I left my message to him last night, "Let's talk and make things clear!" in a good way.. and he replied: Let's celebrate our friendship, return the same text to me (him) if I am still your dear friend." Well, his reply doesn't shocked me, cause I already figured out what he is going to tell. Somehow i didn't mad at him but I'm really feel sympathy to him. I'm still be friend with him and sharing your advise to him, wish he can be benefited. Once again, thank you so much Susan, Love You! From Jien
you are one of the most brilliant people I've ever listened to. You're so sane. I'm tracking with you all the way!! thanks for validating the times where I knew a person liked me but they didn't move forward!!
THANK YOU!!
Women with BPD exhibit this kind of behaviour. Stay away! They will eventually discard you when they realize you have strong feelings for them. They get scared and do not believe that someone can really love them because they do not value themselves.
Sadly, I do this. And if is out of fear. And before people judge, it’s not intentional
So what would be the best way to act towards you when you do this? Especially if I want a relationship with you, I know we're very attracted to each other but you keep ghosting me, and saying mean things but acting the opposite way. How would I get you to just be honest with me so we could move on?
Thank goodness! I'm an intuitive person by nature and I'm faced with exactly this situation. Like you said, I thought my inner voice was off kilter because she would say and do one thing then seem to push me away. I even had a close friend of mine watch us both and read her text messages that were sent to me. The friend assured me that I wasn't crazy but still... Thank you Susan. You've given me extra confidence that I'm doing the right thing.
This is my problem ever since I was young. A few people who expressed their interest in me thought that I'm not interested in them, but it's the opposite. I appreciate all their efforts despite of my actions. I complain about not having a love life, but when it's there, I'm too scared to try so I always take a step back. I know one day I have to totally fix this, but I'm using it as a reminder to just focus on myself for now. I'm sorry to the recent guy who also thought that I'm not interested to talk to him when he's all that I can think of everyday 😶. The problem is obviously on me for this part.
Thank you so much for this video. It perfectly describes what i have been going thru for the past few months. I literally thought i was crazy, one day i was sure that this connection i felt so strongly was real and then a few days later i would convince myself that it was all in my head. i was starting to think i was crazy.
Omg I needed this! I feel such relief! I've been beating myself up, feeling crazy, and incredibly lost. This wise advice makes complete sense! My sweet boyfriend is such a good man but his frequent and sometimes harsh distancing has been making me miserable and confused. Now I feel understanding to give him space and compassion to love myself. Time will give us direction but no more crying myself to sleep. Thank you!
Hi, can I ask how your relationship with him turned out? I'm feeling the exact same way with a guy right now.
I like what she said cause i myself pushed a guy away many times because i was afraid of getting hurt again, rejection, and played. I miss this person but i wished he would've been more open and communicated more with me.
This hits home here. I am so guilty of this. I did something to give an impression of disinterest, it was the polar opposite. I was just acting out due to my feelings. That other person of course would not get this.
I'd like to say, there is more to the pushback than fear.
When two people have different personal boundary needs ... I'd love to hear your thoughts on maintaining boundaries within relationship please Susan
Absolutely, I was scared also before watching your videos. We all have different timing in awareness, which may require patience from others. You also have to give yourself a deadline to maintain your own sanity.
I'm so glad you talked about this. I have found myself in this situation more than once. But while being confused I also had that strong gut feeling the other person had feelings there. I just assumed it was in my head
Going through this now and thought I was going crazy. Really needed to hear this. Thanks for all you wonderful insight. ❤️
I'm amazed at how so many of your videos seem tailored to me and appear in my recommended list at such apropos times.
Your brevity, clarity, sincerity, and sagacity are very valuable to me. Thank you!
Susan you're soo good at this mind game topic. You break it down soo good.
Thanks Andrea
This is so helpful. I have been seeing someone who every time we get a little closer, he pulls back and says something that confuses where we are. My gut is rarely wrong about people and with him, it tells me he is uncomfortable and insecure because I am WAY out of his comfort zone. Remembering that and being calm for awhile are great tips for me to move forward myself confidently.
You are awesome Susan, I find it also so refreshing seeing a female, relaxed and confident 'dating coach' on TH-cam, you are one of the best I find.
What a kind comment Tanja. Thank you for taking time to write this note- I appreciate it.
I have been pushing away people and potential lovers for a long time just to protect myself from being hurt. I always pretend that we are just friends. Because I love them and I don’t wanna end up hating them after a breakup. However, I still know that we like each other and it bothers me. So, it’s like protecting me and protecting them as well. I ended up being so lonely because of my own fears and pursue of safety.
Your interpretation was great and it is something that I’ve never heard before💕.
This video resonated with me, thank you for your wise words Susan! You're one of the only coaches who seems to talk about listening to your intuition and gut. I appreciate your wise words
I intimidate pretty much everyone. It makes me think sometimes I may be doing something wrong. However I'm self assured and dont let it get me down. I take it as a compliment and move forward
Same thing! It used to frustrate me but I've come to accept it
I had a conversation with the guy I was been dating in the summer and talking on line since about this. He told me he had shut down emotionally as he didnt want to lead me on as we live far away. In his mind opening himself to growing feelings equals commitment he couldn't see happening in our circumstances. We are still talking though..4 months on - feelings are there for sure. I am just providing a "safe harbour" for now but time is ticking and I ll move on to be in integrity with myself . Thanks for highlighting this issue.
Don't tie him down. Let him flourish
Omg .. this info is so awesome.. such a deep understanding.. no one had ever said it so clearly..
He tells me all of a sudden,that he has a girlfiend,throwing harsh words at me,start to talk formal and so on.He becomes like an icesculpture. It is so painful. I feel he loves me,I'm not crazy!Thank you so much for this video,dear Susan 💕
Nothingman yes,he surely has a good side. But,there's more to this story. What I know is,that he loves me,only circumstances are not for us. I keep it playful and calm with him and go on with my life. Who knows,maybe one day...,thank you for your reply💓
Luna Adamma what is happening now ??
Luna Adamma I’m having the same exact situation ......
Wow! I was in massive conflict & confusion & in such need of this message! I am so grateful for your wisdom. Thank You só much, Susan💙
Susan it’s exactly what I lived in my last relationship our relationship was more than beautiful as he already said . perfect timing ,perfect, chemistry ,perfect time in our intimacy life we were just Matching incredibly but after a problem that happened with him he literally pushed me away and became being just respectful but I felt that did not want me anymore in his life because of the problem he was facing after I helped him out to get rid of his problem I felt that he needed time for his self and personally I was not ready to wait more than I waited so far so I walked away after three months we met again and it was exactly the same chemistry between us that he left but after our meeting he kept pushing me away although he told me this was the last time he will do this so I decided really to really move on and live what I had to live and to not punish my self by letting myself alone I deserve to be loved just the way I do with the others .... than I accidentally found your videos and things are so much easier to think thank you so much 😊 Be well 🥰
Susan, thank you!! This scenario you’re describing is me and my friend in a nutshell. The chemistry is great, we most definitely like each other. But he is so afraid... I see it when he talks to me, I hear it sometimes in his voice, he’s a true “fearful avoidant” but I see the deeper part of him. I have a pretty good secure attachment style, with some anxious attachment only when evoked. But overall I feel he is worth getting to know. I always try to exhibit confidence even when his fears sometimes intimidate me a little . Then I go back to that secure place knowing that it’s ok for me to always be my authentic self and no matter what fears he has, I always remember I have the ability and the willingness to push past those fears and continue being my authentic self. I want to be a safe space for him, and vice versa, because whether he knows it or not he deserves me.
I can exactly relate to this...how is going right now? Your reply will be really helpful..
Sending Love ❤️…Tiffany…Are you single?
This is amazing advice, thank you so much. It is exactly what I’m going through but I am letting him walk away. He has trauma from his childhood. He is my friend forever and I will be here if he needs me. If he is ready to get serious and take a chance one day and I’m single I’ll give him a chance. We are definitely a perfect match but live 4 hours apart. It’s not easy but I wouldn’t leave him because of the distance. I would get creative and make it work. The chemistry, compatibility it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced. My intuition screams at me. I could be about to drop a tear and he calls before it drops. We can be eating n it’s the same exact thing. Our houses are exactly the same colors, walls, curtains, cars. We are twin souls. It is painful being on bad terms with him but time will tell.
Don't be his friend. Move on.
So true, time frame is key. You’ll know if they are experiencing their own emotional hardship or if they’re playing games if you observe. They’ll eventually grow close with you if they really care, or they’ll have on & off periods with no real closeness if they’re just playing you
Omg my boyfriend left randomly last October 2019 out of a blue which felt sooo blindsiding and painful. I thought everything was peaceful but every time we talked future he would throw a wrench and I would say “why is it you feel like love and can see and feel your soul when you look at me But you act like you don’t care”. He would brush it off. We met up few times but I realize he was getting to bake the cake and eat it all. So I had to respect myself and stop. He left me with debts and broken dreams. I am healing and working on myself everyday and believe what’s meant for won’t miss me. But at times I feel his energy so strongly and it comes in different forms and I don’t know what to make of it. 🙏🏼
For me, the main attraction for a man is that he is really into me. If the guy is so damaged that he keeps pulling away, due to fear, than I feel compassion for him, but will move along. This happened to me recently. We were really into one another, but he's a mess. I wished him the best in life, but I have a life to live too, and time waits for no man or woman. It was extremely difficult, but I could not put my own sense of self on the back burner for him. Good Luck everyone.
I had this and I even wrote about it in comments. I pursued and all but I got heartbroken and frankly a little ego bruised pursuing a 53 year old man, as a 27 year old girl.. I even told him I was patient enough for him to open up in time and he didn't have a response for three days. I blocked him. I'm still sad but I think it was for the best. Give the green light you guys, life is too short to agonize others and ourselves
Ezgi Çetin 53? Wow, he must of had a lot of money.
Avner Chaim As a matter of fact he didn't but thanks for being an ass.
I have to say as an older guy, I would discourage a young girl for her own good. He is going to be a wrinkled up, maybe unhealthy 70 yr old man while you will be in your health . He may have ditched you because he cares.
Ezgi Çetin well, you sound not very smart, try looking for a younger guy than yourself or at least the same age next time. ;)
Ezgi Çetin He did you a favour he is to old for you and he knows it. But must have been hard for you when you really liked him your young you have lots of time to find a nice guy.
Susan Winter - Very helpful, this confirms what I’ve been thinking about my advoidant ex. We dated six months and he said he never gave his heart to anyone due to his trust issues but he was gave his heart to me...very vocal about loving me and wanting to marry me. Then, in month 6 we had some conflicts he couldn’t handle. As he pulled away, I pushed harder and he broke up with me mid November. Since that time he has not initiated any contact. I initiated limited contact via text with him. At first he ignored some of my texting, then he warmed up to playful bantering and twice now he’s even invited me over to his place. Major progress. I thought it was best to keep things light and try to build trust and a positive rapport between us. He said he didn’t know the reason for the split, but I think the conflicts caused him to doubt us as he told me he at the break that he didn’t think we’d last long-term. The question that has been plaguing me is- why doesn’t he ever initiate contact with me? He recently told me I can have him anytime I want him. Should I take him up on it? Or should I be concerned he doesn’t reach out to me first? I agree limited time frame is key- I can’t be casual forever as he grapples w his issues. I feel like he’s a scared turtle in a shell.
I love you Susan. You just make everything so clear and you validate my emotions and the intuition “inklings” I have and constantly try to ignore or talk down to. Now if only he could hear this!!!! 😄
I love how eloquent you are...your advices make more sense...but I'm not pursuing him.
Well I agree with this for the most part. Like you said.....you need to put a time frame on it. So by definition the actiins *do* really like you. Now the only slightly disagree part is the actions are honest in that they refuse to let it move forward. If they are too scared and chose somebody else who is easier to deal with or that they are less connected to, I thinks thier actions are saying how emotionally mature they are and want to be. So they may like you and care about you, but I think I am gonna fall back on my favorite line of yours.....they don't have the skill set to be with and they are happy just coasting in a minimal effort relationship
Loretta Knoelk Hmmm, is that why a girl at my job pursued me. Got my number to set up a date with me, then canceled the date the day before?
Loretta Knoelk that’s a shame
Susan, I think you are really wonderful. You are so well-spoken, insightful, and compassionate, and you give great advice and really help people. Thank you for helping a lot of us make sense of all of this in today's dating world.
Susan you are so right. Thank you for this!
I went through this recently. Unfortunately this person was long distance which made the situation already a little complicated. He is 46 and comes across as very wise, intuitive and evolved. It ought to have been a red flag that things progressed so quickly but there was very strong attraction on both sides, we have a lot in common. The conversations we had were unbelievably deep, stimulating, wonderful, and it progressed to being very loving quickly. He told me I was the One and many other beautiful things pretty much 2 weeks later. The first roadblock came just before I left to visit him and it was shocking but I sort of knew it was just a fearful reaction and continued with my plans anyway, we ended up meeting. The second roadblock came literally the next day and I couldn't deal. I had to leave town anyway soon after and our "relationship" was left ambiguous, a few days later he announced on facebook he is in a new relationship. Throughout this process I have questioned MY sanity, questioning what was real... ultimately I think he has a lot of childhood wounds and trauma. I am moving on with greater awareness and discernment, and I am keeping myself open and available to emotionally healthy partners only.
Thank you Susan❤you are always here for us.God sent with your soothing energy and mastered perspective with deep wisdom. Love you so much for sharing it with us.
Great video Susan, and very relatable. Going through a situation like this. Before I realized that the person's distance and hesitancy was because they were really into me, and their natural defense mechanism was telling them to pull away, I approached my crush in person. And told her in a very polite manner, the games need to stop (now looking back, I should have told her how I felt and that I liked them. Perhaps this would have allowed them to open up themselves). Her response after I told her "the games need to stop", she looked up from down at her feet and said, "what games?" with a genuine bewildered look on her face. I believe she really did not know what I was talking about which I find so very interesting and yet saddening, because it tells me someone is so scared their natural defense mechanisms take over and they don't even realize what they are doing. To them it is the only way forward.
This is a deep topic. Ive been getting signals from someone I work with and I'm hesitant to move forward because we work together and mixed signals. Trust intuition and your gut Susan hit it on point. Preciate cha
Susan you are a gift
Hi, Susan. Please talk about the pros and cons on loving your bestfriend.
Made me re-learn that no one has a right to put our life on hold for one unsure person. I was that unsure person and kept someone on hold. I paid the piper.
a man do that to me. I collect my gut and write him a letter but he never give me any feedback. on the other hand, he chat me on social media. what a surprise... I am tired.
I needed to see this years ago and I’m so glad I’ve found her videos now!!
First person on the entire internet who is so wise and deep and is literally understanding the true meaning ❤️
Thank you ... I felt it was a question, but it's easier when you hear someone else's opinion
Thank you so much Susan. I 've been discovering you a few weeks ago, and your videos helped me so much!
I'm exactly living this situation, with a really good, both masculine and sensitive but strong man, who had lots of problems in his two former loving relationships...and is terrified of hurting someone again. For example one of the girl tried to commit suicide when they broke up, jumping from the second floor...and he courageously went to see her at the hospital. I know he cares (too much) but sincerely for me. Keeping my calm is helping a lot, in the way that I, by the way I keep control of my emotions, which remains positive when my fears don"t show too much, am not a problem for him.
I learned to trust my guts, express to him the way I felt in this relation, which is very healthy for both of us, and wanted to live it fully. And it had a strong impact..It let him with no words but a very soft smile. Thanks to you I was able to express with honesty, and all my warmth, that I was responsible for my feelings, and that he didn't have to limit the way I wanted to feel it. I take care of myself, in order not to put pressure on him, and keep going. i enjoy we are intimate and know each other truly and deeply, share a lot. This exact video helped me, cause I don't want to stay eternally in this situation if it doesn't evolve...I 'll keep today the "time frame" idea.To me, and though I watched different "lovecoaches" to learn more and more, you are the best. All my gratitude for you Susan, excuse my english, I'm french.
I’m so glad I stumbled on to you! You explained everything that’s going on with me and the man I love! He’s so afraid of commitment, that he acts hot and cold! Thank you so much! I love your style and intellect...
And I love how you get in to the bottom of things and express them through words, which is hard to put in words or explain. You are amazing❤️ it’s like you always say those things ,I can’t explain but feel. That’s amazing❤️
Susan, you're seriously, honestly, the best. thank you so much for sharing all of these videos and realistic situations, and your opinions on these matters. much love and appreciation to you. thank you 💙 I'm learning so much with you. 🙃👣💙
She's so right! I'm pushing a guy away that I am head over heels for. I've only been single 5 months and I'm terrified to take the leap.
My Gut & Soul feelings have never been stronger, but, now I’m thinking it’s her hypergamous instinct. The lying by omission was In-except-able. She would ask questions about me and I opened up like never before, to show good faith and when I asked questions she would avoid or be very ambiguous and vague, then say that all I did was talk about myself. I snapped, she blocked me but came back just to be the one to reject. The hardest part for me is the damage done the my trust in my gut/soul! I’m having a very hard time trusting my intuition now...
It’s been almost four years no contact.
Until I just sent a Christmas Card.
I know, how lame am I!
Guess I just dodged a bullet.
I like to go with the path of least resistance,
but her walls are way to thick and tall.
I’m not crazy but it feels like some-kind of witchcraft.
Just shoot me!
Start heal yourself meditate. Of you feel a connection with your soul there is indeed a connection. The soul doesn't lie. Heel everything from your past. Than the right one will come to jou
You are right, bc this is me!! I get overwhelmed and think perhaps I like the other person way more than they like me, so I push away, afraid to commit to someone not equally as invested.
WoW, this hits home Susan
Hello how are you doing
I am so blessed to have found your channel! You are so blessed with wisdom and femininity. Such a queen, definitely subscribing thank you✨
Thank you Susan! I have to tell you that your advice is beyond inspiring. After weeks of intense flirting I kissed my crush and he pulled way back... when he came back around I called him out (in a nice way) and it felt great to stand up for myself. I told him that I wasn’t delusional and I don’t go around kissing people for no reason. Haha. Anyway, he called and asked me out again so I’m curious to see if he’s thought about it and will expand or if this is just another cycle of torment. Gah. So I love the idea of a time limit. I’m going to try that! 💜💜💜
Absolutely. In your case a time limit makes a lot of sense. I wish you well.
What happened?
@@ianbetts4435 I went back for a few more cycles of torment before I decided that he was either not ready, not into me and/or too messed up, scared etc. to open his heart. He may have had some narcissistic leanings as well, because I got the sense he liked to feel my adoration but wasn’t willing to reciprocate. So what happened is that eventually I got tired of being treated poorly and moved on. Also, perhaps he consciously or unconsciously realized that we didn’t share important life ambitions, looking back I don’t think we were all that compatible.
Reality - it is NOT always a game. I have no regrets for rejecting a man who I truly love and who loved and cared about me and moving on to wait for a better man or, if need be, remain single for the rest of my life. Being single isn't ideal, but its wiser for some people. Luckily I didn't end up with that guy and I have a guy who also truly loves me and I have chosen to remain with him. Its not always a game. Its a choice.