All I was tryna do was help my Ex but the trauma she went through with her divorce was too much to overcome at this point and she bailed out on me. It Hurt me bad but these videos gave me the closure that she couldn’t and helped me to understand her logic because everything he says is TEXTBOOK to her actions all the way down to the monkeybranching.
They ultimately lose in the end. Because they push away and discard people who may have had heart for them. They treat people badly who wouldn't mind going out of their way for them. To me, that's not winning in life.
yep. Once the honeymoon stage ended (he would have done everything I asked of him back then), and the emotional intimacy between us grew, my DA ex started to behave this way. When I was bringing my needs, my DA ex felt controlled or attacked. When I wanted to spend some time with him (not more than usual, but he was already pulling away), he accused me of testing his limits. I was guilt-tripping him when I shared how I felt when he was pulling away. Heck, even a small gift for x-mas seen as an attempt to control him. He has a very controlling mother with whom he has a kind of emotionally incestuous relationship, and I think he was projecting how he felt with her on me.
100% accurate. I was terrible at setting boundaries with my FA, one i tried to hold to was that i felt uncomfortable with all of the male friends she kept close. She did not like that. She ended up leaving me for one of them. Surprise Surprise. These people are so immature and selfish.
She will also leave him stay chill. And yes their are. If they don't work , then they don't rly have a good impulse to do it.The only way they fight is when they realize they will end up alone in the final.
@badicavlad3949 I appreciate your perspective 🙏 I'm sure she will leave him too.. and then on to the next. I heard it said that part of the reason this hurts so bad is because it was deeply real to me, and that im subconsciously upset that there was no return on my investment of time, love and dedication. I want to want the best for her, and for her to heal, but right now I want her to experience the deep pain that ive experienced...
@@justinmcquade690 well avoidants actually feel pain after they figure out they are avoidant ant they can t feel love only if they train to. They need to train their emotions to became stable this is the only way. They can heal they are not sociopaths the just run when they have to be vulnerable. But the only way for healing is for them to want to.And trust me they are the most unhappy persons out there.
Just found your channel. Thank you. I have been married to a dismissive avoidant for 3 years. Currently we are not on speaking terms as her constant negativity has caused me to withdraw. She is fiercely protective of her autonomy, because, as you said, it’s part of her protective machinery. The more she integrates into my/our life, the more difficult it becomes for her to revert into herself. So our relationship is met with periodic road blocks, when the intimacy, closeness and vulnerability become too much for her, she sabotages everything. She has no friends and is not close to her family. My family has tried hard to make her feel welcome, but she mostly rejects them. I still love her very much, but the pragmatic side of me says that, at some point I have to accept that this will never be a healthy, functioning relationship.
Hey little james i think there is definitely a spectrum my father i believe is a DA no friends does like doing family or father events but helps with practical things picking up my kids from school. My ex first 4 months bliss but after that she would find alot of flaws. she was very social however with only her side. If i asked for a home cooked meals or support she would look at it like why is he asking for support. She was very defensive about small things even as a convo they feel the relationship should be easy. Also anytime she we got into she would message or flirt with her ex as a deactivation strategy its crazy
One of the best ways I was able to get over the initial hurt of my DA was to come and listen to your videos. I used them to help me heal. Thank you for your videos, Ryan. I still come and listen when I get pangs of hurt. Thankfully the hurt is getting less and less. My hurt was as if a person had died in my life and therefore I was unable to date.
Same the breakup and discard was so sudden I felt like my ex had passed on unexpectedly. I spiraled for over a month before I could even think straight. What a truly painful experience and once I hope I never have to go through again.
@@anthonyc5039 I am glad that you are over that traumatic period of your life. I totally relate to what you had to endure. There are so many of us who have been almost destroyed emotionally because of these people and sadly they will continue hurting many more.
yeah they will continue to heart other people until they do self work I mean on their trauma attachment, like coach Ryan said they don't do it intentionally but still a choice so if they really want to heal they will need to work on themselves.
Absolutely unreal how accurate this was. If only the information could actually be inserted into her brain. I would feel so vindicated… The boundary I set was the most reasonable and understandable thing in a relationship. And for months she fought back. I was patient because I was aware of her wounds but even during the discard she brought it up again as a doubt about me despite knowing how it had wounded me. Honestly, she’s just the worst person I’ve ever been with. I was totally blinded by the act while I was with her. It’s taken months of no contact and many of these videos for me to finally see how manipulative, emotionally immature, emotionally abusive, selfish, non-reciprocating and disrespectful she was to me despite all of the wonderful aspects of who she presented herself to be.
You voice any questions or concerns about ANY of their behavior and you’re suddenly “insecure” and “anxious/preoccupied,” but then when they ask for space and you give it to them, you “just don’t care enough about them.” I’m specifically speaking about FA/Disorganized, can’t really speak on dismissives. My FA ex felt like I was balancing spinning chainsaws covered in napalm while hovering over a raging fire pit. If you don’t find just to absolute perfect 50:50 ratio of caring to not caring, they will run for the hills and usually say something like “we’re just not compatible.” Never again will I put myself through that sh*t
Heres even red flag phrases i saw early on .. im not sure i can give you what you need...me and my ex dont have to be enemies.. You are one of the few real relationships i have had... i have more but its always like they are warning you im not lovable or think tha6
Yep. I'm so controlling, I controlled my ass right out of her life. And good riddance. The peace of mind is glorious. Play stupid games with someone else's heart.
His ex gf said no word bad about him.. she just said she couldn't keep herself sane with pull and push! But he spoke of her like dirt! He said she lacked respect and discipline and he only was friends with her, left her when she wanted love and marriage! But she had been very much more than just friends with him, I know his pattern of intimacy and when she explained the same, I knew she wasn't lying! I understand he has been through a lot! But I only left after I saw to myself so clearly there was also another girl along with me, I suspect she was there even while he had me! I am now wounded so much that I want to heal, I forgive him because God asks us to forgive! May God get him someone whom he can call him as home, Amen!
I’m an FA, but after listening to this, I definitely lean more DA than Anxious. I don’t want to be this way, but I do feel smothered when someone is too needy towards me - especially with my friends. I tend to be more anxious toward my romantic partners. Being a FA is like a total mind-fu@k. I want connection until I get it, then I need space from it because it becomes too overwhelming. I stopped trying to date until I figure out how to stop this. It’s been two years since I left my ex boyfriend and I’ve been in therapy the entire time. I’m aware now, but not healed. 😢
This almost happened to me last week I just wanted to run away after being criticized for not being as receptive back and it just felt awful like I felt like I made a huge mistake or theyd end up getting sick of me but at the same time I just didnt want to pretend to be someone elses constant source of validation. I ended up forcing myself to tackle it and I just broke down but I wasnt forced to do anything, I feel a lot more comfortable offering affection after that I almost thought my partner would end up hating me despite how upset they got but they let me have my way and it motivates me to try and break that mold to be more considerate without worrying Ill end up being used again. At the very least I can tell theyre not selfish enough to force me to change the same way my parents did.
When people see and hear independent, they like this trait. That's why people chase them. Same with telling someone that you aren't looking for anything serious. It's like a magnet for anxious attachers. Just listen for the buzz words and decline dates from people who use them. If I hear independent, I'm thrilled. I have school and work so I don't have time for a relationship with someone who needs a lot from me right now therefore I date those I align with. I would never date someone who says they're looking for something deeper and who needs a lot. It doesn't make him needy per say, it just means we want different things. Dating and wanting someone to change into what you need proves to be pointless.
Thais Gibson and Adam Lane Smith are good ones to watch if that's your goal. Coach Ryan is more for working through your breakup, not getting them back.
@Alixir1228I remember my ex girlfriend saying “you don’t have to kiss me before we sleep together, it’s uncomfortable and unnecessary” - I remember going home that night saying to myself did I just fall in love with a sociopath? Dating an avoidant is a special kind of hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It’s been a while since the discard and I’m still putting the pieces back together. Hope you’re holding up as well!
I thought I was too needy and anxious. This is gold for my healing. ❤️🩹 Thanks for telling how a healthy relationship works, and that our needs is just normal.🙏🏼
I was needy & anxious in the beginning, but everytime he left me I worked on myself and became more secure, but it wasn't enough that I changed.. he left again for the 4th time
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Life is too damn short to deal with this epic mind f#&kery. Wishing healing and happiness to all who have survived relationships with these people ❤
No wonder she called me controlling, I actually stood up for myself.
Protect this Man at all cost. I knew I wasn’t crazy.
Exactly. He’s restored my sanity. 😅 I’ve been watching these videos on loop
All I was tryna do was help my Ex but the trauma she went through with her divorce was too much to overcome at this point and she bailed out on me. It Hurt me bad but these videos gave me the closure that she couldn’t and helped me to understand her logic because everything he says is TEXTBOOK to her actions all the way down to the monkeybranching.
Protect him from what ? I get the feeling he can look after himself pretty well
If u know, U know. Look up the saying.
You're not crazy, you're just date a difficult people
They ultimately lose in the end. Because they push away and discard people who may have had heart for them. They treat people badly who wouldn't mind going out of their way for them. To me, that's not winning in life.
Thank you for making this Point. I agree. They are losers
100% Mine is a perpetual victim. These people will hold you back so much. I'm thankful he's out of my life now
Thats true🫡 their loss
yep. Once the honeymoon stage ended (he would have done everything I asked of him back then), and the emotional intimacy between us grew, my DA ex started to behave this way. When I was bringing my needs, my DA ex felt controlled or attacked. When I wanted to spend some time with him (not more than usual, but he was already pulling away), he accused me of testing his limits. I was guilt-tripping him when I shared how I felt when he was pulling away. Heck, even a small gift for x-mas seen as an attempt to control him. He has a very controlling mother with whom he has a kind of emotionally incestuous relationship, and I think he was projecting how he felt with her on me.
Some mothers can't let go.. they "own" their son.. it's sick!
100% accurate. I was terrible at setting boundaries with my FA, one i tried to hold to was that i felt uncomfortable with all of the male friends she kept close. She did not like that. She ended up leaving me for one of them. Surprise Surprise. These people are so immature and selfish.
She will also leave him stay chill. And yes their are. If they don't work , then they don't rly have a good impulse to do it.The only way they fight is when they realize they will end up alone in the final.
@badicavlad3949 I appreciate your perspective 🙏 I'm sure she will leave him too.. and then on to the next. I heard it said that part of the reason this hurts so bad is because it was deeply real to me, and that im subconsciously upset that there was no return on my investment of time, love and dedication. I want to want the best for her, and for her to heal, but right now I want her to experience the deep pain that ive experienced...
@@justinmcquade690 well avoidants actually feel pain after they figure out they are avoidant ant they can t feel love only if they train to. They need to train their emotions to became stable this is the only way. They can heal they are not sociopaths the just run when they have to be vulnerable. But the only way for healing is for them to want to.And trust me they are the most unhappy persons out there.
Just found your channel. Thank you. I have been married to a dismissive avoidant for 3 years. Currently we are not on speaking terms as her constant negativity has caused me to withdraw.
She is fiercely protective of her autonomy, because, as you said, it’s part of her protective machinery. The more she integrates into my/our life, the more difficult it becomes for her to revert into herself. So our relationship is met with periodic road blocks, when the intimacy, closeness and vulnerability become too much for her, she sabotages everything.
She has no friends and is not close to her family. My family has tried hard to make her feel welcome, but she mostly rejects them. I still love her very much, but the pragmatic side of me says that, at some point I have to accept that this will never be a healthy, functioning relationship.
You are exactly talking about my ex boyfriend for 3 years separated for 3 months now. Exactly same situation.
Hey little james i think there is definitely a spectrum my father i believe is a DA no friends does like doing family or father events but helps with practical things picking up my kids from school. My ex first 4 months bliss but after that she would find alot of flaws. she was very social however with only her side. If i asked for a home cooked meals or support she would look at it like why is he asking for support. She was very defensive about small things even as a convo they feel the relationship should be easy. Also anytime she we got into she would message or flirt with her ex as a deactivation strategy its crazy
One of the best ways I was able to get over the initial hurt of my DA was to come and listen to your videos. I used them to help me heal. Thank you for your videos, Ryan. I still come and listen when I get pangs of hurt. Thankfully the hurt is getting less and less. My hurt was as if a person had died in my life and therefore I was unable to date.
Same the breakup and discard was so sudden I felt like my ex had passed on unexpectedly. I spiraled for over a month before I could even think straight. What a truly painful experience and once I hope I never have to go through again.
@@anthonyc5039 I am glad that you are over that traumatic period of your life. I totally relate to what you had to endure. There are so many of us who have been almost destroyed emotionally because of these people and sadly they will continue hurting many more.
yeah they will continue to heart other people until they do self work I mean on their trauma attachment, like coach Ryan said they don't do it intentionally but still a choice so if they really want to heal they will need to work on themselves.
Absolutely unreal how accurate this was. If only the information could actually be inserted into her brain. I would feel so vindicated… The boundary I set was the most reasonable and understandable thing in a relationship. And for months she fought back. I was patient because I was aware of her wounds but even during the discard she brought it up again as a doubt about me despite knowing how it had wounded me. Honestly, she’s just the worst person I’ve ever been with. I was totally blinded by the act while I was with her. It’s taken months of no contact and many of these videos for me to finally see how manipulative, emotionally immature, emotionally abusive, selfish, non-reciprocating and disrespectful she was to me despite all of the wonderful aspects of who she presented herself to be.
Yup, it feels like you have been with someone wearing a mask only to drop it later and show you the true terror that lies beneath.
You have a great gift of articulation in the science of attachment!
You voice any questions or concerns about ANY of their behavior and you’re suddenly “insecure” and “anxious/preoccupied,” but then when they ask for space and you give it to them, you “just don’t care enough about them.”
I’m specifically speaking about FA/Disorganized, can’t really speak on dismissives. My FA ex felt like I was balancing spinning chainsaws covered in napalm while hovering over a raging fire pit. If you don’t find just to absolute perfect 50:50 ratio of caring to not caring, they will run for the hills and usually say something like “we’re just not compatible.”
Never again will I put myself through that sh*t
Heres even red flag phrases i saw early on
.. im not sure i can give you what you need...me and my ex dont have to be enemies..
You are one of the few real relationships i have had... i have more but its always like they are warning you im not lovable or think tha6
And they are right!
Yep. I'm so controlling, I controlled my ass right out of her life.
And good riddance. The peace of mind is glorious.
Play stupid games with someone else's heart.
Needed to hear this one. Thank you! 🙏🏼
Yeahhh... Like a task he dispice...
Helpful information.👏👍
Thank you, Coach Ryan, you explain this so beautifully. I am learning so much! ❤
His ex gf said no word bad about him.. she just said she couldn't keep herself sane with pull and push! But he spoke of her like dirt! He said she lacked respect and discipline and he only was friends with her, left her when she wanted love and marriage! But she had been very much more than just friends with him, I know his pattern of intimacy and when she explained the same, I knew she wasn't lying! I understand he has been through a lot! But I only left after I saw to myself so clearly there was also another girl along with me, I suspect she was there even while he had me! I am now wounded so much that I want to heal, I forgive him because God asks us to forgive! May God get him someone whom he can call him as home, Amen!
Thx couch Ryan. I have been watching listening to you. Keep posting your videos
I’m an FA, but after listening to this, I definitely lean more DA than Anxious. I don’t want to be this way, but I do feel smothered when someone is too needy towards me - especially with my friends. I tend to be more anxious toward my romantic partners. Being a FA is like a total mind-fu@k. I want connection until I get it, then I need space from it because it becomes too overwhelming. I stopped trying to date until I figure out how to stop this. It’s been two years since I left my ex boyfriend and I’ve been in therapy the entire time. I’m aware now, but not healed. 😢
Those were his exact words. 😑
💯
Wow! I am the first to see your video!
So insecurities! My ex now started going out after 4 months of separation! Who will want him? He’s ED and underlying with diseases!
This almost happened to me last week I just wanted to run away after being criticized for not being as receptive back and it just felt awful like I felt like I made a huge mistake or theyd end up getting sick of me but at the same time I just didnt want to pretend to be someone elses constant source of validation. I ended up forcing myself to tackle it and I just broke down but I wasnt forced to do anything, I feel a lot more comfortable offering affection after that I almost thought my partner would end up hating me despite how upset they got but they let me have my way and it motivates me to try and break that mold to be more considerate without worrying Ill end up being used again. At the very least I can tell theyre not selfish enough to force me to change the same way my parents did.
This sounds like the man I’m in love with. Too bad your videos offer no solution. So there’s no chance? 😢😢😢😢I guess the solution is walk away.
When people see and hear independent, they like this trait. That's why people chase them. Same with telling someone that you aren't looking for anything serious. It's like a magnet for anxious attachers. Just listen for the buzz words and decline dates from people who use them. If I hear independent, I'm thrilled. I have school and work so I don't have time for a relationship with someone who needs a lot from me right now therefore I date those I align with. I would never date someone who says they're looking for something deeper and who needs a lot. It doesn't make him needy per say, it just means we want different things. Dating and wanting someone to change into what you need proves to be pointless.
Ok but can you please make a video on how to make this relationship work ? How to give and receive love with avoidants ?
Very easy.. sacrifice everything you want in a relationship..give them 100 percent and it will work out just fine.. sounds wonderful Hun?
Thais Gibson and Adam Lane Smith are good ones to watch if that's your goal. Coach Ryan is more for working through your breakup, not getting them back.
@Alixir1228I remember my ex girlfriend saying “you don’t have to kiss me before we sleep together, it’s uncomfortable and unnecessary” - I remember going home that night saying to myself did I just fall in love with a sociopath? Dating an avoidant is a special kind of hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It’s been a while since the discard and I’m still putting the pieces back together. Hope you’re holding up as well!
@@anthonyc5039Kissing is viewed as pretty intimate to most people. To hear her say that was a huge 🚩.
I thought I was too needy and anxious. This is gold for my healing. ❤️🩹
Thanks for telling how a healthy relationship works, and that our needs is just normal.🙏🏼
I was needy & anxious in the beginning, but everytime he left me I worked on myself and became more secure, but it wasn't enough that I changed.. he left again for the 4th time