10 tips for responding to dementia anger
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 11 ส.ค. 2018
- Welcome to the place where I share dementia tips, strategies, and information for family members caring for a loved one with any type of dementia (such as Alzheimer's disease, Lewy Body dementia, vascular dementia, frontotemporal dementia, etc.)
Have you ever tried to calm your loved one with dementia only to find that your attempts made things worse? That’s what this video is trying to help you avoid. Here I share 10 tips for dealing with anger in dementia in hopes that the next outburst is short-lived. I know this can be stressful, but I believe in you.
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In case you haven’t met me, my name is Natali Edmonds and I am a board certified geropsychologist. That means that I am a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with older adults. One day, while hiking a trail, I came up with the idea for Careblazers and I decided to see if posting videos online could provide help to the many other Careblazers in the world who don’t get to have help come directly to them in their homes. I hope that this work helps you in some way on your caregiving journey.
#careblazer #dementia #dementiacare
I am 55 and my mother 83 , the doctors never gave me any idea what to expect . I am all that she has and I am frustrated and heartbroken for all the hurtful conversation my mother has been saying to me. I find myself having panic attacks and anxiety lately ( I am tired of crying because of my lack of understanding ) . It is great to have a platform such as this that will rewire my own brain to get back my sanity once again . Thank you so very much for your time , experience and explanation .
Nursing homs trust homw trust me you'll lose yourself caring for someone who will belittle or get aggressive via dementia
@@toxiknao8826 This. It doesn't matter if you know why it's happening and that they wouldn't normally say it. They are saying it and hearing it every day wears on you and erodes your self-esteem. And the more anxious and panicked you get over it, the worse the level of care you provide is likely to become as you become afraid to interact with your parent. It's not healthy for either of you. In a care home, you can visit regularly without this burden on your psyche.
Just my experience with liver problems myself: I find passing gallstones can cause a anxiety attacks. Having good nutrition yourself helps you be grounded and less anxious. Milk thistle and liver detox tactics can help with anxiety and probably stave off dementia as well. Proper mineral balance helps nerves: chelated mineral & kelp/bladderwrack supplement.
You are not alone,I don’t k ow if knowing that helps you or not.Hang in there.🥺
I agree. In very similar situation.
my husband of almost 60 years is showing signs of dementia, this occurred after a traumatic incident and he continues to digress. This evening was confirmation. I thank God I stumbled across these videos. I have been doing everything wrong for him and for me. I haven't been certain that he has this or that MY mind is twisted. Tonight was an answer and I am going to need now to rethink everything. Everything. This is so frightening I don't even know where to begin but your utubes have at least given me a direction and I couldn't be more grateful.....truly.
I hope you and your husband are doing well, and that you’ve become less nervous about your husbands dementia. It’s a scary thing to witness but I’m sure you’re doing wonderfully
60 years is a rare achievement, congratulations on there 🙂 I hope and imagine that speaks to the strength of the marriage. If so this challenge, I hope, is one you can both meet. Glad you found helpful videos, there are some real life savers on YT. For the information, and also to see that the toughest things we experience are not unique to us. Best wishes for both of you 💚🫂
Praying you are doing well.
sounds faniliar. hardest thing ever and my hybby in "mild" stage. dont know how I can do it
Key words!! DON'T argue with dementia person.
If a person living with dementia exhibits threatening behaviour, I employ the 3 D's: Distance, Distract and Delay. Physically distance yourself from the dementia patient, distract them through reminiscence; then delay your responses by listening and remaining silent until the behaviour changes to a more socially acceptable level.
Love this short!thanks!
My mother gets angry at me and kicks me out of her house, and kicks me out of the hospital. She kicked me out of the house because I didn't unpeal eggs under running water, this was infront a house full of people during Christmas. She kicked me out of the hospital because I bought her flowers from a grocery store instead of the hospital gift shop. It was a Sunday, and it was closed. My mother almost got me in a lot of trouble. Thank God the nurses were on my side.
I am newly diagnosed as early on Set Alzheimer’s. I just received Namenda as a medication. They said that I have severe brain loss. I have forgotten a whole lot of stuff for about 15 years but everybody told me it was old age but I’m only 59. I’ve been watching your videos. I want to be easy on my caretakers. I know that my personality has already changed a little bit every once in a while and I do hallucinate every once in a while. I am bipolar and when I get dehydrated sometimes I’m just a mess. I try to take care of myself and my caretaker tries to make sure that nothing happens to me so that I get dehydrated and start to hallucinate. Anyway, I really want to thank you because I am hoping that I can be good to my caretakers in the way that you were talking about.
As long as you're aware of your own situation please try to communicate it to your caretaker and always be sure THEY do not want to harm you. What you can (still!) do for THEM is supporting their work and efforts on YOU.
You might want to tell them to educate themselves on medical mushrooms for example birch polypore or horses hoof fungus these have excellent health benefits (also Chaga from birch trees) to drink tea from regularly. We cannot really stop the decline but stretch the process and slow down the effects.
As a Christian myself, I do take another perspective on life through the lense of the gospel and resurrection in 1 Corinthians 15 so does my husband who potentially got FTD with 58 now. You should give it a try to look at it that way. Blessings to you! 🙏👍
God bless you Penny. The sun shines every day and we can enjoy God's creation. Much love and prayers to you dear one.
God bless you. Praying for you on your journey.
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Omigosh your too young for this , I just turned 60 and my 87 year old mom just died from dementia, please keep the polyunsaturated oils in your diet way down ( all the seed oils except for butter and coconut oil ), and consume a lot of coconut oil , it’s been shown to greatly improve brain function.
These videos have been a GODSEND. I feel like a monster for arguing with my loved one and trying to speak logic to her. But now I realize I control the environment. I keep things calm and cool. I am learning. Thank you guys so much.
M
I have the same problem, Truth Giant. I'm doing what you are doing arguing my mother, trying to reason with her and it doesn't work
I totally agree,its a horrible disease and has been a learning experience for me for sure,and the hardest experience ever,God bless yall,and these videos they explain so much
@@debiberry-mcfall2236 I pm
I’m an only child and my husband is too busy to help unless it’s something I can’t do. And both my 30yo children are too busy to help. But my patience needs to settle down and not expect a 93 yo to still act like she’s 70 mentally. My skill to practice better. It just hurts to see her fade, so it frustrates me.
In dealing with my Dad who had dementia, I realized that the things that he was saying was NOT from my Dad but from the disease. He lived 74 years and deserved to be remembered as the person who he actually was instead of the last three years of dementia. That is what I chose to do. Thank You for the wonderful video.
Thank you. Well said
As an RN, I've been known to be good at calming agitated dimented patients. If I had 3 words to say why/how, it would be: 1) kindness, 2) gentleness and 3) volume. Your tips are great. Battling or arguing with someone who is not in their right mind is as helpful as giving a fish a bicycle.
Hon, I do that. Depending on what mood she’s in….good heavens.
What if it’s a fish sized bicycle though 🤔
@@francinejones2524😂🥰
Wow! It’s a miracle that I found your channel. I’m caring for my mom with the beginnings of dementia. This was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. God Bless You!
tawnteens I’m glad you found the channel too! I hope it continues to help. 💕
Thank you for these videos, they really help in dealing with my mother who has dimensia. I was also able to share these with my brothers and my sister and my nieces who are helping to care for my mother.
Wow, this has helped me so much. I am caring for my 96 year old mom. When she's agitated she accuses me of things...trying to steal her money, I hate her & I want her to die, etc. I used to get very upset & internalize the attacks. But your videos have really helped understand how to handle these situations. Thank you! You're a God send!!
I’m going through the same with my mom. I have never been so physically and mentally exhausted in my life
This is me right now 😢 We are dealing with this behavior from 2 family members.
It's so sad....
Same for me. She accuses me of the worst things. But I know Jesus is helping me to take mental distances meanwhile I serve her, Its my duty and God called me to be a blessing for her, like she was in many ways in my life. We need to love our parents even when they are bad with us, because they are in need of us. They have nobody else. Lets take care of ourselves too in the process to hold on...with God's help.
Thank you so much! My mom has Dementia\Alzheimer's and I am the only one that has place things on hold to take care of her and to keep her safe. My frustration begins when my siblings come and spend an hour or two and then that's it. They have no worries because everything is on me. But, I continue to do my best. I will try your tips and hopefully it helps my mom and me.
Victoria Queen talk to a social worker there is Medicare or hospice help out there if your mom qualifies, you would be amazed what Medicare may cover. We asked the doctor to direct us to a social worker to help with our elderly father in law and it was a lifesaver. May God bless you!
Trust me. I get it.
My sibling has pleasant conversations with my Mum on the phone all the time.
Of course my Mum can’t really engage in conversations of any depth or substance anymore.
The talks basically consist of Mum giving compliments, asking leading questions, and being pleasant & affirming (and that’s ok too).
But in my sibling’s mind this justifies that everything is OK, & I’m just being a “PessimisticPatty” who just needs to “lighten up” & stop being so down.
And you know what?
She’s right.
It’s really NOT about trying to convince your family to come to reality, get onboard, & help out.
It is what it is. Move to option B. What if you were an only child? Pull together other friends, extended family, community resources, etc.
YOU do YOU.
Take care of your Mum, take care of yourself.
You have enough on your plate without having to try & engage family members in assistance they’re neither willing to recognise is needed, and /or necessary to give.
Sometime in the near future, my sibling will have to deal with the fallout of these delusions.
Trust me, I get no joy from knowing this is looming on the horizon.
Bear no ill will or grudges.
Truly.
Bless them, & release them.
Your hands are too full, to reach out, only to get pulled into someone else’s nonsense.
Dot your ”I’s”, cross your “T’s”. Handle YOUR business.
REALITY -will- (eventually) check them.
Hang in there, my daughter and I are dealing with a similar situation, but we have family support, and I agree with the comment of God bless you. I couldn't do this without trust in God.
OMG. You're living my life. Only my siblings don't even call.
Anyone have tips on managing bath room bowel movrments.
Signs to watch for wben the need for relief is eminent??!!. The need to go isnt recognized by the patient?? (No verbal warning is expressed).
I love the illustration of how the carer redirected the person in the video and wish we could do so in caring for my MILWD. She has always tended to negative worst-case scenarios and is aggravated by any "walks down memory lane" efforts. The family pictures she always had on display now serve only to remind her of either all her losses or other negative events connected to those represented in the pictures at the ages they are photographed. The resentment, the grudging attitude directed at us when we try to offer enjoyable pastimes/activities...it is soul-sucking. No to TV. No to senior/adult day activities. No to sharing a meal with us. No to caregiver coming in occasionally (another human to interact with). No to anything but 24/7 talk radio, nothing positive anywhere. Ever. It is sad and, seemingly, insurmountable.
I took care of my mother for 8 years. I am an RN,thought I knew stuff! Boy was I schooled! The best advice I got was from her physical therapist in longterm care: Meet them where THEY are. everyday, and even moment to moment. My Mom passed at 91 , it was the most wonderful,awful,exhausting journey ....she had 4 sibs and her mother who had it. Everytime I lose something important , or can't find where I am driving, at 63 I get a pit in my stomach,even though I get evaluated twice a year. My MMSE is always ok. So far none of my 6 sibs , older than me have symptoms. I am aware of this but remain cautiously optimistic.
I care for my 86 yo mom, and I have exactly the same fear. I’m almost 60 and have always had a very good memory, but now find myself occasionally searching for a word or forgetting where I set down my glasses. I know it’s normal, but given what’s going on with my mom, it’s also terrifying. My best wishes for your continuing good health.
If there is no evidence of a problem then Id try not reacting to something that may not ever happen and that you currently have no evidence exists for you. Wishing you all the best for you and the family.😘
Thank you for your help. I'm going to try & practice these tips. I'm 58, I've had to leave my husband & home, to go live with & care for my mum. I'm the only one. I have no help. My brother is living his life & has not contacted mum or me. My 3 step- siblings (all mature adults) have nothing to do either. Their dad, my step dad passed away 6 months ago, & it really had a huge impact on mums dementia.. If one visits, it's for 20 mins if not less. They keep telling my mum, "no matter what, we'll never put you in a nursing home". They visit maybe 20 mins 4 - 6 weekly.. They don't live with her.. I know she'll be needing more care.... Sorry, bout the vent...
Anyways, I appreciate these videos.. thank you
I am very appreciative of this channel. 15-20 years ago it was more difficult to find advice. I attended a support group which helped if leader was experienced & educated. At the start of mom’s Alzhiemers (in her 70’s) she was literally angry at for me for 10 years. Honesty I tried all the tips, but her behaviour constantly escalated swiftly into yelling, etc. it was difficult because dad also was getting sick. Moms license was suspended. I moved them into somewhat assisted living (which they fought all the way). It was not possible for them to maintain their home/yard. I understood the huge losses they were experiencing. I was caregiver and she refused or changed daily routines such as pill taking, cancelled home care visits, refused help for dad, hid within the complex, to name a few. I nearly collapsed under this situation. I was sick myself. She began to get physical with dad/me. There were times when I gave myself permission to leave quietly. I needed to remove myself gently. As moms Alzheimers progressed and she went to PCH she began settling down and exhibits a lot less anger at me. She is losing her speech, needs assistance in feeding, and in wheelchair. I am glad to be the daughter again and recall fond memories. But our experience was very tough. Caregivers…please take care of yourselves. It’s vital. 🇨🇦
My 88 year old father has dementia. Caring for him has been a very lonely job due to no support from family. I'm 60 and I have to put my own life on hold to care for him. One time, I misinterpreted what he said and he raised his cane to me as if to hit me with it. My mom died four years ago. These tips are very helpful in caring for dementia/Alzheimer's patients. Thank you so much Dr. Edmonds.
Brilliant video, but we must also remember that when caring for a loved one such as a parent emotions are a big factor, it’s important to keep calm and not get into an argument with your loved one, easier said than done sometimes when you are exhausted and the loved one has been up all night, I saw this with my mother who looked after my daddy, she was so exhausted she would get angry and then feel guilty for getting angry, it was pure exhaustion. He would also call for her if she was out of his eyeline, they had been married for 54 years and she was the centre of his world. We were considering respite and having night sitters but he passed before it was in place. Carers need care as well, support networks so that they can have a break, even if it’s just a couple of hours to go shopping or meet friends, it can be so isolating being a Carer because people don’t always understand dementia and the behaviour patterns such as aggression or inappropriate behaviour. We couldn’t take daddy out anymore socially as he would either do or say things because of the dementia and I hated when people stared or made remarks 😢 these people were family members who didn’t want to understand dementia or make any allowances ☹️☹️☹️☹️
I am very happy l found you. Firstly, you have a lovely calming voice! In my family, l did not learn to communicate in a 'calm, gentle, kind way'. I find myself getting angry a lot of the time when my mother does something untoward. Changing up my responses is very necessary. Thank you so very much.
My gardening client had an episode.
I was ready to leave when they confronted me, saying I didn’t to something in the garden I had done. He would not let me show him it was done. I even showed him all the green waste in the bin, but he said it was already half full .
The bin was in fact empty when I started.
They told me I was lazy and was trying to pull the wool over his eyes.
It was really hard being unfairly accused and verbally attacked, but even harder having someone suffering dementia and not listening to reason.
It was like a became the focus of an ex employee of his and he fixated on that person ,comparing them to me.
His family helped by bringing him inside, but he came back out confronting me again.
I’ve known his family for many years and work for his son and his daughters gardens.
It’s like he forgot who i was a went off.
Very distressing
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I pray for patience all day. I’ve learned from your videos to remain calm and not raise my voice when my husband gets argumentative. Changing subject helps. We have to be the bigger person. There comes a time when trying to reason with him doesn’t work. Guess I’m in denial lots of times, thinking I can make him understand 😥
I'm in the same boat Susan. This is so hard.
@@carrie402 😥😥😥
That example of the skilled worker and man seeking his deceased mother was fantastic.
But what if the patient didn't have a photo of their parents?
@@elliotwatts7948 I guess you would then sit with them and ask them what their parents looked like and draw them out to talk more about their childhood and go from there until they started to calm down.
Elliot
Thank you - in listening to this I realise I am using a completely wrong tone - more like a school teacher to my poor husband and it creates a worse situation . I will take your words with me and hopefully go forward positively.
My aunt has been diagnosed with dementia at 63... it is breaking my families heart. She is somewhere between stage 4 & 5 on the 7 stages. Your videos help a lot. My grandparents, whom I blessed to still have, my mother, her sister, and my cousin, her daughter who is in her final semester of college, are all trying to find ways to make things comfortable and safe for her. For now, I live with her and do my best to traverse her disease. She doesn't want to take her meds (rivastigmine) and we can barely convince her to. Your videos do help a lot, and I just wanted to say thank you.
There really needs to be more help for caregivers caring for elderly parents with Alzheimer’s and dementia. It’s unlike being a caregiver in a facility where you work your shift and go home, you’re paid for what you do and they aren’t your family. I never ever get to “go home” from it, get a break, time with friends as I do it seven days a week. I live my mom with all my heart and have been doing this for five years. They say have patience, try to understand and trust me I and others do but you get physically and mentally exhausted doing it 24/7 for years with no break.
Thanks for your advice. My 73 year old husband goes crazy when I take him to see any doctors. He gets very angry and starts yelling and insulting me saying that he is not sick and doesn't need a doctor in the waiting room. I just try to keep calm although I get embarrassed.
He has anosognosia, which is the inability to understand the disease. It doesn't matter how much proof you have, he will never believe it. It is not his fault. There is nothing for you to be embarrassed about. He has an illness.
My mom also denies she is ill. From her perspective, there is nothing wrong because her brain is self adjusting to her limitations, such that she thinks her current limited world has always been this way. It’s only those of us caring for her who have seen the decline. I try to think of it as a positive, because at least SHE doesn’t realize how much she has lost. For Doctors, I start by telling her it’s just a check up required by her insurance so she can keep getting her prescriptions. It doesn’t always work, though.
I'm sorry that you went through that. It is hard I know. Remember that he loves you.
Thanks for sharing, I thought I was the only one who’s husband did this. I have to trick him to go and say we’re going to my appointment
I needed this. I care for my mom with dementia. I miss her so much and I cried a lot through this video.
Thank you for making this video.
My mother had a melt down in front of the doctor...I was mortified.... But...I changed my mind when the doctor placed her on a wonder drug.... No more outburst... So loving... And appreciative of everything I do for her. She is a new human. Now I'm glad the doctor was able to see what I was going thru at home. I believe it's call risperidone.
Some of these tips are useful for dealing with anyone, including those who do not have dementia.
My 81 year old mom is in advanced stages of FTD and has a severe case of Sundown Syndrome during when she becomes agitated, restless, distressed, aggressive and has an uncontrollable urge to bite on things. Two things that have worked for us in mitigating this are - 1) Taking her out for a drive for an hour or two in the evenings, treat her to an ice cream and take a small walk somewhere. The days when we are able to do this her Sundowning disappears almost completely and she is even able to have a sound sleep. 2) The other thing that has worked for us is getting teethers for her that she can bite on. It prevents her from either biting/ hurting herself or others. I am very keen to know if anyone else has experienced the same benefits.
Bless your heart. Your road is tough, indeed.
Scenic drives at pm with a stop to watch people has worked. I engage my LWD, asking her where simple questions about the folks we watch..where are they going, what do they do for a living, etc. I not only engages and distracts, but the answers are a barometer for her anxiety.
I have been watching a lot of videos on Dementia and Alzheimer's. This is the best video I have found yet. Thank you so much for all that you do to inform the rest of us.
My 89 year old Mom has dementia and it's difficult. Your videos have helped a lot. She's at the stage
of needing a nursing home and I have to start taking care of me. Thank you for doing what you do.
Don't beat yourself up about accepting this care is required for them. It's the best answer when its too much for you to cope. xx
Only two things to do: Never, ever argue with them and change the subject. These two things worked for me and my husband had Alzheimer's for 14 years.
Hmmm. Interesting.
My husband has become more difficult to care for and I am worn out. I believe I am ready to place him in memory care. I’m losing sleep. I Follow him around to be sure he doesn’t fall. I’m constantly cleaning up after he goes to the bathroom (which creates a ton of laundry).He also wanders, gets confused and is on and off emotionally. He's also incontinent and doesn’t like to shower. I still work and have daytime care for him, but he’s declined quite a bit in the last month. I truly feel I am ready but I don’t want him to feel abandoned. The one place I’m considering wants you to stay away for a week so he can get acclimated. I’m not sure he could handle that and frankly I feel that would be hard for me as well. The stress dealing with all of this has been quite difficult. However I crave to get my independence back. It’s a tough spot to be in.
I am in a very similar place that your in . Your not alone
It’s very difficult. I can’t bear the thought of dad walking around in a foreign place feeling scared and abandoned. Such a hard decision.
I’m also dealing with this. Trying to find a good caregiver so my dad can stay at home has been challenging. None of them seem to have compassion and understanding for people with dementia yet they claim to have the experience. I want to keep him at home as opposed to a facility but I don’t know how much longer I can deal with finding the right caregiver only to be disappointed that they did not work out not so much for me but for him. I don’t want him to feel bad and I’m afraid this will add to his confusion :(
Life is short, if your having trouble its time to let it go and let someone else give him the care he needs.
Even your voice is soothing. I feel like listening to your video helped calm myself down. I’m not used to having my loved one scream in my face, it makes me feel anxious but I’m learning to take control of those feelings. I can’t prevent her from getting upset but I can control the environment
Thank you so much I know that this is a older video but it is so correct in its content. It is so hard for a old man to change his ways I’ve always worked in supervisor positions in law enforcement and ran my own businesses where you make rapid decisions. But with dementia you’re definitely not in charge of it it’s like you’re reverting to a make believe world with your children. It’s not easy but if is possible especially if you expect some sort of relief.
YOUR VIDEOS ARE VERY HELPFUL AND HEART WARMING. I AM LEARNING AND UNDERSTANDING SO MUCH TO BE AN EFFECTIVE CAREGIVER.
I need to watch this every morning until it’s perfected.
Thank you for this channel and all the wonderful advice you offer. Both my parents have dementia and I feel that God must have led me directly to you. Bless you.
The most valuable tips I got were to maintain calm and patience and control my voice--its volume, speed, tone, etc. . I have to admit that I have erred in the past, starting off saying things calmly and I thought reasonably, and then becoming increasingly agitated when repeating things in a louder voice that didn't work the first time. Instead of solving a problem, this aggravated it. I am going to watch this video several times. It has so much worthwhile content, expressed so clearly. It will have to become second nature.
When I stay calm, be gentle, and use basic words, my loved one gets more angry and yells that I am being condescending and don't love her, and am being emotionally abusive. The calmer I am, the angrier she gets!
I got so much information from you, my husband has dementia and it is so hard for me because, he’s not the strong level headed man I married. There are times I get frustrated because I think he should know or remember, and I notice that when I got upset he gets very upset. Now from what I learned from you today I know what not to do thank you.
I hope it works for your LO
My mom that I have commented about fell last month broke her hip , had surgery, rehab now adult foster care, no more caregiving for me. It was 10 years of just me, mom and dementia including anger outbursts. Her dementia has gotten worse but her will to live is fading, has not walked, barely eats. Her long term memory is great and now.....our relationship once destroyed by dementia is 100 percent better since we no longer live together which is sad but she is safe and well cared for permanently since she is bed bound etc. When I leave at night I just say I am going to bed goodnight even though it’s 5 pm. She does not ask much to go home. Thank you for your videos you will never know how much your thoughtfulness and informational insights helped me. I could still use one on coping with dementia when your loved one is moved to outside care! I don’t it’s caregiving but I do miss my mom.
thank you so much for your help! My grandmother has recently been diagnosed “delirium super imposed on baseline dementia” and she’s kind of in and out of her mind depending on how much anxiety she’s in at any point. Your videos are really helping. Thank you so much!
I live with my 85 year old mother who’s developing dementia very quickly. My brother and sister are in denial. I’ve made the mistake of arguing and raising my voice, using too many words trying to explain something until I began watching and listening to you. You’re so right- with dementia they can’t process information or details especially when upset. You’ve been so very helpful and supportive. Thank you. Things are going much better now. I just roll along now, don’t correct her or test her, I observe and make notes to report to her doctor in private. I’ve been doing some reading from library books I’ve checked out and have hidden in my room to read at night. Thank you thank you thank you. Some days are long and hard and I just want to leave, but she couldn’t live in her house alone now if I didn’t live with her.
I just watched the first video from you regarding how to deal with Anger. Great tips. My mom has dementia and Dad has passed on. At times she gets in a brain loop of where is my husband. The nursing facility and some of my sisters want to lie and it has backfired. One told them he was fishing. Unbelievably she remembered and as it got darker she got more and more worried he had not come "home". Of course, her anxiety followed by anger grew. I prefer, when she asks, to say Dad is in heaven. or watching over you/us. always with you in your heart. Most of the time that works . I do not like the confusion it may/can cause when she is told a lie.
So true. Everyone says to lie to them when they ask about dead folks. My mil wants her parents who have been dead 40 years. We tried telling her they were busy, on a trip etc, but that made it worse. Finally we decided to tell her the truth. She'll go, oh OK, then go on.
This video is for me. My LOWD loves to argue. Sometimes when it gets personal it’s hard to ignore insults and accusations. Very sad cuz she literally pushes people away and gets agitated when people r trying to help her.
Thank you for the advice, I need to not respond with anger at my mom, thank you
Potential lifesaver video. Have already sent this to my stepbrother whom dad has been saying hurtful things about even though he works so hard for dad. Thank you again - already subscribed
My aunt always wondered why this lady was standing in the corner of her room, I didn’t see anyone but my aunt saw her and asked me, I said I don’t know let’s ask her, she may be lost. So my aunt did this and the lady said she was lost so we both, by getting my aunt to help her go out, my aunt said oh now she knows where to go and it looked like my aunt just let go of her. This lady was very real to my aunt and when she thought she helped,her, my aunt was, I think , expressing her feelings of being lost and knowing how to help herself by helping this lady that only my aunt saw. So be on their side and believe them and sometimes just enjoy what they believe if it makes them happy.
This has been so helpful. I can't thank you enough. I was so unprepared when my mother yelled and cursed at me. I got caught off guard and argued with her until it hit me that it wasn't her and it was her disease. I'm sad about what she said but even more sad about what she's experiencing. It hurts me to see that.
Thank you. Mama is having a super bad day. I needed this.
I’m 54, mom is 83. Took her yesterday to a memory care test. She was negative all day long. Soooo many things she said were negative. “The test is stupid. “. Eyeroll “oh nooo ugh!”
After she got home from the hospital in August, she became super upset at me. “I don’t need you to (fill in blank)..I NEED YOU TO SAVE MY LIFE!!” I tried my hardest!! to not become angry. I yelled at her that I had been up since 2am setting things up. Oh so wrong to say. What did she do? Immediately calmed down, kinda smiled, chuckled at me that she got to me. Her annoyance towards me went down when I was annoyed w her. It felt sooo evil.
Thank god I found this channel.❤
I have a 25 year old daughter who has Down syndrome with some behaviors ect. These tips are useful. I would like to know more about very early onset dementia.
Dear Dr. Natalie . Thank you for your very helpful videos. I am going to try harder to not respond to delusion by arguing or explaining. My mom has not been diagnosed with Dementia. The neurologist I took her to said, He can not diagnose her with Dementia because She did well on the test . She is sharp , does not seem forgetful, but delusional.
Taking care of sister. Visiting NH. What about the intimidation? Hiding cards you give them. Throwing things you gave them in the trash. Hiding shoes. Telling me someone stole her shoes. Upset when out not wanting me to bring her in. Tells me she's not a child. Really hard at times.. Scary too.
My mom, although not diagnosed with dementia, displays some of these distressed behaviors at times. She is 90 years old, and still living in her own home alone. Your tips really help me.
Thank you so much! I thought telling Mom that she was having a delusion would help, but she just got angry. I'll try joining her world instead.
Wow, thank you. I am far from elderly mom w/dementia. The redirection has worked a few times now. I found getting my mom to sing - she remembered every word and calmed down and laughed - really helps her in these awful moments! I call every day and ask her to drink water, repeat assurances (no one is hurting you), what is the care facility doing today? Bingo? And now, "Let's sing!" Redirect; bring joy. When she calls hysterical about being robbed, drugged etc, I redirect (having checked this is not true). "You are safe. No one is hurting you. Hey, what was that song by Doris Day? Let's sing it!" I may have to do this three times a day. I have MS and 'get' the brain is failing. Be kind. Be patient. Stay calm. Don't yell...and cry when you hang up; if not in person like me...
The 93 y.o. lady I care for loves tennis! (One of my conditions of employment was the need for WIFI) She can watch the Australia Open and enjoy it. I see there are older matches that she will probably remember. For me it's another tool for redirection.
I have only been working with this lady for less than 2 months. Because of her background and mine there are opportunities I have that others have not had...she asked what thoughts led me to do what I do when others did not. I was Frank and direct with her. I told her the more she remembers the healthier she will be.
Its wonderful she can stay in her own home. She moved to Israel at 90 so after a call from a close friend in England and became despondent..about 15 minutes later some children came to visit and she was her old happy self.
What I said was to agree about missing good friends and being glad she was with me. It did help til the children came.
You sound like a wonderful caregiver. I have been trying to locate someone like yourself to help me with my dad. All 8 that I have come to care for him end up leaving because they can’t deal with the aggression once in a while. It’s very sad to see this especially when they ALL said they have experience in this area and understand completely. I’m almost to the point of giving up and just short of asking for a leave of absence from work just to take care of him myself .
I’d really like it if health care people could keep these tips in mind both in home care & respite facilities. They want things to go quickly due to the time constraints they’re under. Others behave as though the person with dementia can be corrected to behave differently. Or they can will them to respond differently. I don’t know if long term care is different from respite. I hope so.
I am appreciating these videos. I am a widow and in the strange situation of being in love with a man who has Lewy Body Dementia who is currently being greatly helped by medication. He is very loving and very witty. We have a lot of fun together. I enjoy helping him when he is looking for lost things (often) and needs calming when agitated - which isn't very often. He trusts me with understanding when he has hallucinations. I know he will need greater care one day and am unsure of how much to commit to that (we are not married - he has asked - or living together although we live near each other). I wonder if I can help him enough without 'moving in'. I have already learnt a lot from your videos. Thank you. I'd love to do the course but have to save up for it (the cost is even more in Australian dollars).
wow .... this video was great!! truly made me think of the way I have been handling things.... i am having such a hard time with my mother... my father passed away 3 years this November 2023... and my mother just wont stop asking things like .. i wonder if your father had breakfast this morning ... or where is you father.... or did you talk to your father today..... wow.... i have been telling her that dad is with God now.... and she just goes like what? no one told me .... when did this happen... and to the point that I have to call my sister to please talk to her and explain.... I don't know what to do or say now.... what can I say to my mother when she asks me this??? so that she doesn't get all uptight... I don't want to make her feel any worse. 😪😭
I am a care giver had a couple which they both had it and was able to stay home and she still living I will be with them for eight years which I enjoy working with her hasn’t been easy we’ve had rough times but I love taking care of him
Well so far I've done everything wrong in taking care of my husband with dementia. It's been a big adjustment going from wife to caregiver when your husband is or was a type A personality. After 46 years of marriage, it's hard. But thanks to you I'm really learning alot . Thank you.
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Hi Cindy, We are so glad you are here as part of this community. Wishing you all the best on your caregiving journey. 💖
Glad it helped!
One struggle I have caring for my 80yr old grandpa is not to argue. I want to respond in a rationale way and it's taking a lot of time to change how I talk with him. Your video was helpful. Thank you.
We just had our third blowup yesterday and I can't help arguing with her. I don't want it to happen so often that I get used to it :) but it does take practice
I stumbled on your vidéos on Facebook last week. It was what I needed. My dad has had dementia symptoms now for at last 6-7 years, my siblings did not believe me and put it on his stubbornness....his problem is that he focuses on stuff and doesn't let go and has hallucinations that don't leave him. He finally mentioned these things to the doctor and is now somewhat medicated. Like most comments I have read, I was doing everything all wrong and I just made things worse. I am so glad to have stumbled on the videos. Thank you very much.
I’m seeing my 69 year old sister personality change so bad she argues about outright lies. I’m realizing she may have dementia. Now this is starting to make sense.
A lot made sense. Approaching my dad in general to fast gets him flinching. He’ll also always try and trap my hands if I approach him with my hands out to fix his shirt etc and I didn’t give him a heads up or just in general. He gets anger fits when trying to change it clean him. So then I’ll sit back and say something like ok you don’t like this? We can just stop I’ll just sit here with you. And he’ll say “no let’s do it”. And I say ok. He’s just going through this stage for 6 months of not wanting to use the bathroom and dresssing - cleaning himself it definitely gets over whelming but it’s my father. Your videos help very much please keep them coming
Thank you my mum has dementia, and is in a nursing home, as I am completely worn out nursing for yrs and helping to look after my dad who passed away with bowel cancer, I was still working at the same time, so basically 24/7 caregiving, I have since been diagnosed with breast cancer and Just gone through 2 surgeries and 4 weeks of radiotherapy, and even as a nurse I know that we can get burnt out and sick, all of your information is excellent, but it is hard trying to explain to someone with dementia, that I have to go and see some drs, so I can't take you to your club, you would probably know as a dr, once breast cancer has been diagnosed, it is full on for the first few months, so was already stressed out.
These were all helpful. I’ve been talking more slowly and trying not to overload my mom w information. I’ve finally accepted that she just can’t process it. Simpler is better. She changes her mind a lot or says she didn’t say something- I used to argue or try to remind her that she said it or changer mind. Not anymore- I just find out what she prefers at that moment and go from there. Today planting flowers w her was very satisfying as long as I was able to keep in mind it’s the equivalent of working w a 7 year old. Which is ok. It’s MY expectations that have needed to change to get along better. I just asked her or directed her to do simple tasks and it all worked out. 🌺🌼🌸
Thanks, Mary, that was good.
Went through this today with my father. I wasn’t sure if he was going ti get aggressive, but this helped a lot. I did half of it without knowing it was a tip.
Thank you so much, God bless you for taking your time to help caregivers, this was much needed .
These videos have been so very helpful to me, thank you! I am caring for my husband who is exhibiting all the symptoms of dementia now. We have been married for 24 years. My first mistake was to be in denial about his disease, I just didn't grasp that his mind had actually changed that much in just a couple of years. Because of my denial I argued with him and became very frustrated with the repeated questions he asks daily. Now, knowing that it is truly the debilitating disease that causes his actions and responses I can accept that and move forward with compassion. No more arguing, more acknowledgment of his concerns when he is hallucinating and more use of diversions for moving off the issues that are disturbing to him. Thanks so much for your help and insight.
I’m so glad that I find you ! My husband is always agitated 😠 thanks for sharing your wonderful advice...❤️❤️❤️❤️
mine is too
My mother has been accusing me of many things that have not happened and is constantly angry at me. Her personality has completely flipped. She is not diagnosed, but I’m an SLP and have some training with dementia. I know that onset of symptoms occurs up to 20 years prior to diagnosis. No one else sees what it happening, but I’m noticing the changes. She is obsessed with my MIL’s relationship with my daughter and myself (which is wholly average). She is threatening to disinherit me, and my father has been led to agree with her. She expresses how she wants to waste money meant for me. I have never been grabby about the inheritance, I never even mention it. It is just that she has been very frugal her entire life, so intentionally wasting money is very out of character. I just wish my kids could have a relationship with their grandmother.
MILLION THANKS FOR TEACHING LESSONS.
I really appreciate this channel.
My sister has macular degeneration and has on-set dementia caused by her lack of sight. Her husband is the main caregiver and he has almost reached the end of his rope. He cannot leave the house or get anything done because he is always being challenged about how much time it took to run the errand. Things are escalating to a "bad situation" as this caregiver does not know how much longer he can take this. My sister has two children who seem to have chosen to ignore the situation and are not willing to help. My sister is very good at not letting those people know how bad her situation really is. How can people with dementia be one way with their caregiver and another way with someone that they don't want to know what their situation really is?
This doc is fantastic!!
Thank you!
She is
This video helped a lot. Thank you. I’m starting to take care of my grandmother.
Aloha Dr. Natali... just want to say THANK YOU for sharing your expertise. I discovered your videos 8months ago. My moms progression seems quite rapid as compared to what i been told and researched. Been caring for mom last two years... she was almost normal, symptoms were occasional delusions and cognition issues, her infrequent friends could not believe she was impaired bc her conversations were normal. Now she is at 'child' like stage where she needs help with everything except feeding. Thank you again!
I am new to the careblazers group and really think the videos are informative. My wife is 56 and diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers about 6 years ago. She is late moderate and the anger is a daily struggle always directed at me. It is extremely hard to redirect when the anger is not episodic but constant. Gotta keep trying and thanks for the tips, even if it works for a minute or two. Still searching???
I’m happy I took the time to look into things, I’m 20 and I recently moved in with my great grandmother (87) who has dementia. I’m with her everyday almost all day until she sleeps and I’m new to all of this, I find she’s been getting aggravated abs upset over things abs I was sure how to help. This was great.
It's very impressive that you are willing to take care of your great granny! I admire you for stepping up.
When my F Mum starts being critical or say in kind things I tell her I am going to my room for a while but I will come back when I think you are ready. I get some space, often banging my head against the wall!!! Then after 10-15 mins, long enough for her to process her behaviour and I will go away if she is being unkind……after doing this about 4 times when she was being critical or hurtful I just say I will be going to my room or a walk around the block i will come back…when she was being hurtful etc…she said to me you are going to got to ur room now aren’t you. I say yes because u r being hurtful but I will come back soon and see if we can try again….ie cooking eve meal and really works…because I can’t get to see her enough she wants to be by my side 24/7 but she knows what she has said and the small consequences but it also gives me some time to my self.
Sometimes she comes in crying and v remorseful and we have a cuddle, look out of the window at the garden etc.. and then I just say…”shall we have another go at preparing our meal or we could have fish and chips if you are struggling?” I started this early on because I felt it needed to be nipped in the bud while she still comprehend what was going on and see her behaviour and physically just walk out the room for a while but at least 10-15 mins so she could identify the separation. Things are a lot better now about her comments and if not I arrange to go out other people I am close to on my own ❤the next day for a break.
Thank for these tips Dr Natali 😊 my Mum was so distressed last night as her cat escaped when she opened the front door to see what I was doing. I was sitting in my car on a zoom meeting while a healthcare worker settled Mum into bed. Mum believes her neighbours are trying yo steal her cat and mo amount of reassurance helps her to believe otherwise. I can see how the tips you share here would be more successful than trying to reason with Mum when she's so distressed but I'm not sure if I can hide my own distress when Mum dtarts screaming 😱
This video was very helpful to me. My beautiful 60 year old daughter was recently diagnosed with dementia. It breaks my heart because I am not sure how to react when I am around her but your video gave me some very helpful information. Thank you.
Joan, I am glad that I too found these videos. I take care of my older brother and it breaks my heart too. I am sorry about your daughter, 60 is so young and you are truly a brave mother. Best of luck dear. You and all of us will get through this and you can be so proud that you are helping your daughter. Nancy
Thank you so much! Such an amazing video! So helpful for my first day tomorrow
It is really sometimes but most of the time I managed to calm them in a nice way🥰🥰
This is so helpful!
Great information .
Thank you so much!
Very helpful, thank you!!
Thank you for all your tips
Very insightful
Great video! I used this last night & it worked! I am a new Careblazer! I love the name & Thank u for this channel. I found this channel last week. I am on a journey to learn as much as I possible about Alzheimer's dementia. I have been a full time Caregiver for the last nine months & maybe the last 4 months realizing she has Alzheimer's dementia. She is in the moderate stage. Truly this is not easy, nevertheless I am educating myself to be the best Careblazer & elevate as must stress for myself as possible. She is combative & suspicion, so learning how to deal with this the best way is my focus right now.
Oh my Lord, a lot of patience. Sometimes I loose it. I pray a lot for this. My lovely husband for more than 50years of marriage, was diagnosed last year with the beginning of dementia. I feel lost. We are both retired after work for so many years, with a lot of plans for both of us. But now I realized that God is the only one that knows your future.
Sabrinasmiles L God bless you. There is a need for more caregivers like you!
So pleased to have found your page so helpful
This is such valuable information for me to hear. I will watch all these videos and read comments below as well. There is more information for a caregiver just by reading the comments and hearing from others in the same situation. Thank you so much, I really have learned so much. Totally grateful.🙏❤
You are a godsend. Thank you!
So grateful for this! Glad I watched the whole video and will share!❤️