4 COMMON DEMENTIA CAREGIVER MISTAKES
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 ส.ค. 2020
- Welcome to the place where I share dementia tips, strategies, and information for family members caring for a loved one with any type of dementia (such as Alzheimer's disease, Lewy Body dementia, vascular dementia, frontotemporal dementia, etc.)
In today’s video, I talk about don't do these things.
______________
FREE Resource:
📺 Get Access to A FREE Dementia Caregiver Training on How to Care For a Loved One With Dementia- WITHOUT The Overwhelm, Dread, and Confusion: ➡︎ www.dementiacareclass.com/yt
💌 [LET’S CONNECT]
Connect with other Careblazers for information and support inside my Facebook group: / dementiacareblazers
Instagram: / dementia_careblazers
TikTok: / dementia_careblazers
_____________
CHECK OUT MY POPULAR PLAYLISTS
Managing Stress and Burnout: • DEMENTIA SELF-CARE AND...
Dealing with Challenging Behaviors:
• DIFFICULT DEMENTIA BEH...
______________
OTHER VIDEOS MENTIONED IN THIS VIDEO:
Find out: "why you should lie to your loved one with dementia"
• Why it's okay to lie t...
__
In case you haven’t met me, my name is Natali Edmonds and I am a board certified geropsychologist. That means that I am a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with older adults. One day, while hiking a trail, I came up with the idea for Careblazers and I decided to see if posting videos online could provide help to the many other Careblazers in the world who don’t get to have help come directly to them in their homes. I hope that this work helps you in some way on your caregiving journey.
#careblazer #dementia #dementiacare
I help my parents to take care of my grandmother who is 101. My parents watched this video today. Things were a lot more peaceful here this evening. :) So much so, that I decided I better watch your video too. Thank you. Keep teaching because your are improving the quality of life for the LOWD and the caregiver.
I am so happy to hear this! 💕
0⁰
My dad had many changes right before Covid started emotionally losing his sister to cancer.Seeing his physical health was declining yet he was determined to do things like walking and refusing to use a Walker . He was in denial that he needed assistance . Dad had difficulty giving up his freedom …dads lady friend and him both were showing signs of dementia her family had her move her to another state closer to family members . I started to stay with him to keep him safe . But I also had help with a few family members and meals on wheels and senior services . I also worked with other seniors some times getting a day or 2 off for my self to unwind rejuvenate my mental health . There was soooo much going on with my siblings too .
The advice yo just gave was very helpful and I can learn from them thanks
Correcting, reasoning, I have so much to learn. Thankyou
My son nailed this with his Grandfather....every time he saw him (and they lived in the same house) he would say "Hello Grandpa". We always said that my Mum was out shopping if he asked for her (after she died). I would also add that you don't always need to be sure about everything ..I would often answer "I'm not sure" or I've forgotten" so it didn't feel too strange to him that he didn't know something. Another good one is "I'll try and find out" or if they are asking the time or date look at your watch / calendar even if its only been 5 minutes since they last asked.
I like the idea
Yes 👍👍
Grandchildren are the best!!
A good carer for someone with dementia is so underrated and not appreciated enough. They deserve a lot more credits.
From a retired nurse who worked in secured unit your teaching is right on great job.!!;;
2 nd post all we need is LOVE, I showed love and caring when given them meds which can be difficult but I had a different relationship with each one use their name and I'd always reassure them with whatever the case be and every little thing about them was made special oh your beautiful red hair,...yes no questions God gave me something to.... interact with dementia
I think you are a saint. My wife has been diagnosed with FTD at age 61 with 40 years of marriage. I love her to pieces but have fallen into every trap you have described here. A massive learning curve for me and I appreciate your videos as I feel abandoned after the medical diagnosis.
I am in the same situation.I make these mistakes almost every day.We just have to try and think before we talk
Please don’t be too hard on yourselves. No one can really prepare themselves for a loved ones dementia diagnosis. I would be remiss to say that it is easy because it is NOT! I made the first 3 constantly in the beginning. Not only is your loved one losing themselves you are losing them. You’re grieving as well. Watch as many videos as you can, read EVERYTHING and don’t be shy to join a support group in-person or even online. I wish you strength and peace. Every moment is a chance for you to get it right.
Thank you so much for your guidance and kind words. Unfortunately my daughter has now tested posiitive for the FTD gene today so i am distraught. Thank you for your kind words@@latrelle6655and support but nothing now can help......sorry
Smummay of this wonderful video as I understood it.
1. Correcting. You don’t need to to correct your loved ones every time they say or do something wrong. Don’t correct it, let it go and save the strain in the relationship.
2. Arguing. Don’t disagree with your loved one. Instead of arguing:
* Acknowledge what they said
* Respond in a short and calm way, and
* Redirect them to something else
3. Reasoning. When you attempt to reason with someone with dementia, it can
lead to extreme frustration on your part and make it more likely your loved one will have some difficult behaviors.
REMEMBER
* You are trying to come up with a response that calms and reassures your loved one.
* You have to come up with sentences that make sense in THEIR world, not
necessarily in your world.
4. Testing. Don’t test your loved one’s memory by asking questions like these:
“Do you remember who this is?”
“Do you remember what we talked about yesterday?”
“What did you have for breakfast today?”
QUICK RECAP OF 4 COMMON MISTAKES TO AVOID
Correcting
Arguing
Reasoning
Testing
@@juliealston1417 I am glad Julie this summary was helpful.
How long can a LOWD live alone? She has been diagnosed over 3 years
Cant drive, family only wants her to be content, is this notmal?
Normal
I see dementia clients more as big toddlers than a bad dog (as in comments below) or crazy adults. It’s like ageing in reverse. It’s quite amazing to witness. It’s as though they become younger and younger, eventually not knowing how to eat or go to the toilet. Even their body gradually hunches over til they eventually end up in a fetal position and bed bound if they have long term dementia. It really makes me question if some of us are reincarnated or reborn.
We aren’t meant to think of aged clients as children but I respond to my clients as though they are children and they respond well. They still want to be loved. Precious humans who don’t understand what 2am is. Who don’t want to sleep til their bodies force them to. Who want their way regardless of the dangers because they think they are capable of more than they are. The challenge is preventing danger to yourself and a person who is your size or bigger. I write this at 4am after caring for a dementia client. I am exhausted but I know she’s finally asleep and her husband can sleep as well. My heart breaks for both of them. I can’t imagine living with someone with dementia. For those who do PLEASE find a way to take a break. Even for a few hours. Even hiring a caregiver for 1 or 2 nights a month is essential. To those who never had that option, you deserve 100 medals and much more. People say they, “do what they have to.” Don’t underestimate the incredible feat of loving someone when they are acting unlovable. Not everyone has that ability.
Well said. Thank you. 18:28
I appreciate that. But that’s what it boils down to. You do what you have to do. But omg I’d love to have somebody come help me. Very soon, she’s not QUITE to that point yet, but I’d give it a couple months. I’m at the end of my rope. You know, back when it was you do what you have to do, there was a lot more family help. Now, 🙄. It’s just me. She’s not childlike yet. THAT I could deal with. Not half in and half out. Stubborn,, bully, secretive, sneaky, mad suspicious. Smiley, grateful. If you’re in California….
Concerning your “big toddlers” analogy:
“That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.” -Shakespeare
@@davidhunter5062 Thought provoking. Oblivion sounds like the best place to be right now.
Return home return to homepage cancel
After 23 months of being my wifes full time carer, (we were/ both active managers of our three companies) I find that I am conitnually confronted by a wonderful woman that I feel I am in competition with, but she is in another world. My evaluation of my own position is, after watching your "back to basics' video is that , so far, I have failed her. I can see now that the daily frustration I feel is of my own making, and to try and let go of what has developed into a way of operating with the many people and situations we all daily had to deal with. Your video, for me, contained a simple message.... stop trying to make her situations fit my logic.
Stop the competition and accept the fact of going with the flow. Your message has been received , and hopefully life will be easier for both of us, from today.
Sincere regards for your wonderful work.
Barry, you have not failed her, you were only doing your best and what you knew.
You have not failed her, this is a learning process. I have been looking after a lady for 4 years and I'm constantly having to change statements as her disease progresses. Just keep learning and loving her.
There is a really good book about this subject from a nutritionist - btw, Dementia is actually Diabetes type 3 -
Amy Berger - The Alzheimer's Antidote
I was touched by your story , it's so hard to be in your situation,you have never failed !! ,you find yr way , respect to you .
I need to learn more about caregiving to dementia loved ones
I really needed to hear this. I have been doing everything wrong with my mom, who just turned 100. I chastise myself for my lack of patience. I need to let it go and learn how to accept that she'll never be what she once was, despite my trying to reason with her. Thank you for sharing this!
That’s the one thing I don’t like when you go to the doctor and they ask you what there doing it makes me fell like I’m putting him down in front of him !I feel like they should talk to us one on one
My neighbor struggles with dementia. Her daughter careblazer told me that she often drives home in tears from the hurtful things her Mom says to her. I felt so fortunate to be able to show her your channel. Thank you so much!
Did it help her???
I feel exactly like your neighbor’s daughter. I belong to a support group, have read, researched and tried to learn as much as I can. What people don’t realize is that when you do it 24/7 for years there is no time off, no days to yourself with friends. It’s very hard when they are agitated and hurtful and you’re trying to care for them and help. It’s easy to say take a break for yourself, you can’t pour from an empty cup….easy to suggest but how when no one else helps?
@@j.gzzc.5069 Sorry, I forgot to report back. Yes, she told me she does understand a bit more and found some great suggestions. I mean, let’s face it, it isn’t easy.
Tell her she's not alone💕
Yeah my mom can be such a biTh. She always was, a bully. Now she’s getting suspicious. Probably because she was always a sneaky liar. Now she thinks I am. I’ve done nothing but try to keep her safe, and comfortable. I can actually FEEL my blood pressure rising when she does this. She basically accused me of gaslighting her, because she can’t remember. She needs drugs, I’m not kidding. I now understand why they do in care. . I’ve done all the redirecting. I’m done e eta thing you’ve said. Not with her. She digs in like a badger. Maybe you have a nice person to care for. I don’t. Even when she could reason. Try. Yeah. I have never ASKED my mother for money, she’s gotten a free ride for 9 years, because it was the right thing to do. I’ve given her autonomy as much as I could until very recently. Calm reassurance. Riggghht. Been there, done that. Nothing will calm her NOTHING. Valium would work better for her. This might work for a nice parent. I’ve had friends that have taken care of their mums, and they just went along. My mother is combative, suspicious, and awful. I dread every day. I bet this woman couldn’t deal with my mom. But she has ideas I do try. They don’t work, but I try. But I never cry. Mainly because I don’t love her, so it doesn’t hurt me. I am a good person, and that’s why I care for her. I don’t yell at her. I would never her hurt her, so don’t worry, I don’t even step on bugs. But man, it is so hard. Edit. These tips are helping so much. My feelings haven’t, but they are actually working a little. Bless this channel I realize now that they can’t help it sometimes and I’ve not gotten mad, nor tried to convince her “well, that’s what you SAID.
This was so helpful, I make all 4 mistakes daily. My dad has dementia and I take care of an elderly woman 3 times a wk that also has dementia. I have been making these mistakes with both of them, I forwarded this video to all my family and the family of the woman I care for. Thank you so much for this information
Glad it helped!
Good on you for being so accountable and honest with your shortcomings. I’m certain by that ability alone, you are a much better caregiver than you likely give yourself credit ♥️🙏🏽
I can attest that all these mistakes are so true! The only problem is I learned how to handle the situations correctly a little too late, which is so sad to me. It really would have saved both my loved one and myself a lot of heartache in our journey in dealing with this devastating disease, if only I would have had this knowledge to go by. To all those of you that are just starting out, don’t take these instructions for granted, you will be so glad you didn’t in the end!
Thank you, my mother has early onset dementia and has been getting worse over the last 2 years.
This is excellent advice. I read somewhere that a person with dementia may not remember WHAT was specifically said or done but remember HOW they felt at the time.
Very true. I lived through a house fire while my mom was in the advanced stage of Alzheimer's and lost most of what I had worked for.
I never told her bcse I knew she would not remember the factual content of what I told her but she would definitely be acutely aware of her feeling that 'something' was very much wrong.
RIP mom. You are sorely missed.
Thanks for a refresher course! My mom is 90 and has dementia. Years ago I was a CNA. I also took care of older family members. While visiting my grandmother all the time, long ago, she didn’t realize her son died. I would talk with her as if he was still living in another state. I never reminded her of this. It would have been her hearing it for the first time over and over again, having her react in shock and mourning mode.
Yep, I'd telephone mom and she'd say "oh, you just missed daddy, he went down the hall"...NO way would I remind her he'd been dead for years!
I have been facing this recently as well. My mom keeps asking me if her mom is really dead. It’s heartbreaking. I’ve told her she is, but she is also watching over her and helping her along the way. I adored my Nanny. I miss her so much. She was my second mom.
My dad who had dementia just passed a month ago. My mom died many many years ago. He kept asking when she was going to come and visit so I would always tell him she was coming at a later time. I made the mistake of being truthful in the beginning, and it was awful to watch him, suffer the news of her death over and over again.
I need to save this video and rewatch daily!
Unfortunately, I did a lot of correcting the other day when my mom was being evaluated by the home health PT and she got very upset with me. I thought I had to correct all the mistakes so she would get the right treatment plan, but it would have been better to take the person aside after and explain the important mistakes.
When people find out he has dementia, they're surprised. He is still managing on a high level. So,when situations described come up, I too can forget he has dementia. But now I feel better equipped to handle these situations. Even if I start handling them wrongly, I should be able to catch myself and handle them correctly. Thanks for this video.
Yes..I do forget or deny that my mom has delusion mental disorder and take her negativity personally and get depressed...I am happy I found these supporting videos..
My brother is high functioning as well. He has FTD and is obsessive about 2 subjects which he believes he is an expert on. He's always been well read but now a lot of what he says after 5 minutes makes little sense. I appreciate this video because I find myself trying to correct him and getting frustrated/ angry. Tomorrow he will repeat everything he said today. I have to remember this is the disease and unless there is a potential for harm, let it go.
@@clarissaharris4103 Well, that Is the Problem in taking care of someone with any kind of dementia. Not only that they are forgetful and repeat themselves, but, also, that they are Dangerous and do harm!!! If she/he is Violent toward you, the caregiver, Or even Threatens you, or gives you any Lip, just call the Police on her/him!! Do Not hesitate to do so!! Do Not take Any Bull-SHIT from this person!!! Instead, you need to realize that Now there is a role reversal, especially if you are taking care of a sick parent/parents or a sick grandparent/grandparents. YOU are now the Adult, and You are Clear-headed and Alert. You are No longer a helpless child or teenager or young adult, who was Being told what to do, or what not to do, by your parents, or grandparents, or other authority figures. Now, it should be the other way around. You should be telling Them what to do, And what not to do. You are now the caregiver, and an older adult and an older son or daughter. You are now Much older than your twenties, thirties, and forties. So, as a caregiver, it is Your turn to Give orders to your confused aging adult/adults, and make sure that those orders are followed! And, yes, you Will risk being, or seeming as Mean as other people that you know and dislike. But do Not worry about that---- don't be manipulated into feeling guilty if you are harsh with the person/people under your care. You need to practice Tough Love, and Often, too!! Being sick and confused from dementia is a reason,---- But Not an excuse for bad behavior from the person/people in your care! You Must apply severe punishment to them when they get out of line!!! Yes, I am being blunt about all of this. Too many people make excuses for other people. If we, Ourselves, did anything wrong, we got our heads Belted in!!!! It is True.
@@deborahspence8420, no, it’s not “payback time”. Tough love is for those who can learn. Let go of the past. Bad memories will just trigger you. Give all that to God and ask for His help. Be as kind as you can; it will be worth it. A LOWD is ill so expectations have to change. Maybe you are not the person for this caregiving job. If it only leads to a harsh authoritarian attitude think about getting help. Forgiveness is where it’s at. Peace.
I have started on my Dad's journey with Dementia.Sometimes he may ask the same question many times I answer as it is the first time.
I have been a Caregiver for many years.I have found Patience is the best quality you can have.
I have been making many memories with my Dad.
I made a promise to my Mom before she passed that I would look after Dad.Mon had the beginnings of Lewybody Dementia.
However the Cancer she had took her first.
Thank-you for your helpful information.
I found you on TH-cam and try to look for you a few times a week.
Thank-you
Suzanne G
My sister is doing this with her current caregiver. At one time my sister stayed with me and I handled her money. I always tried to keep about $100.00 in her account for emergency. She wanted to buy some 75.00 perfume and I said no you can not. She was furious. My neighbor said if she wants to handle her own money she needs to be on her own. I learned the hard way that you can not reason with dementia. God bless the Careblazers!
Why couldn’t she have the perfume, was it just not in the budget? Sorry, I am new to all this and am just trying to learn.
@@EtreTocsinRe: Limited income. At the time She was staying with me She was on a limited income. She is actually very intelligent and had some college and refused work and training. She was getting disability and I budgeted money for her food, transportation, clothing etc. I wanted for her to have a little money in case of emergency in case of medical or emergency needs. The perfume was too expensive and she needed practical items. Sometimes her income did not cover all the necessities. I would often take her out for meals and events that I paid for as I tried to stretch my income. . I felt responsible for her at that time and emergencies do come up when you need money. There are items and perhaps an RX that her benefits may not cover. I think it is best that she handle her own money and if she wants the perfume she could have purchased a lower priced alternative and/or decided to work or get a job. We are too close in age for me to be her parental figure. I am a live and let live type of person and I did not like being the “perfume police”. She had asked to stay with me and while she was I took the responsibility very seriously. In retrospect: I think she wanted me to foot all the expenses and then she could use government disability money as shopping spree money. I work very hard and have never taken government assistance, so I have a different work ethic.
How do you make her understand that she can't afford that with dementia my mom wants to go to Walmart every few minutes and I can't get her to understand we can't afford to go that often? She always wants to buy the same things daily. We always spent days shopping before dementia and that's what she remembers but she gets so frustrated that we don't go all the time . Most distractions don't work with her .I hate this disease and what she is going through.
@@fayemorgan5389 I don't know what to say. I appreciate your honesty and hope you feel better right now.
@@fayemorgan5389start a new pattern. Maybe thrift stores. My dad did this and you can learn from Dr Lori how to buy things you earn money from reselling. But watch whatever habit you start. They remember the habit and stress if it doesn't occur. You've got to commit too.
Yes, this is excellent advice. Even when my LOWD accepts my reasoning answer, it never ends there and 20 minutes later we are having the same conversation again. Less is more. When I feel myself losing my patience, I get up and leave to the kitchen, or bathroom, or patio for a few minutes.
Since the pandemic began, I've had a conversation with my LOWD, the same one, about the 1918 flu, 1000s of times (really, many times at every meal). It is crazy making!!!! Sometimes I get upset and say "You already told me." but, it works the best to just stop talking, like the conversation is over. I got a pair of wireless headphones so I can listen to music or the radio. This helps me to keep calm. I know this may seem rude, but being stuck home together since March, it's a way to improve my well-being.
Over the last 6 months, I've worked very hard on my empathy to remember my LOWD is ill. I've made good progress staying calm, but I can tell on days when I'm tired or upset, it takes real effort and sometimes I leave the room and allow myself to cry to relief stress.
I know this video is older, but I just wanted to say thank you. I work as a hospice visiting registered nurse, and typically 50% to 75% of my caseload is taking care of patients with various types of dementia. While I almost naturally employ validation therapy (created by Naomi) techniques, I learned a number of new things from this video. Thank you.
These four points are so simple but true. I have made all these mistakes. My mum sometimes thinks she is living in her old home. She will ring me and be quite adamant that she is there. I constantly tried to reason with her that she was actually in her care home. This just made her quite angry. The last time this happened I just went along with her and then gradually changed the subject. This time there was no conflict and when I rang her later that day she was totally aware that she was in her room at the care home.
I've been caring for a neighbor who's close family and loved ones do everything to avoid her and she was left without transportation and anyway to communicate (phone). I appreciate the tips and empathetic approach in helping us just get through a day of being a caregiver for someone with dementia.
Thank you for sharing your expertise. I never found anything more helpful. I have been very frustrated and alone and lost. Family don't see or understand what is going on. GOD BLESS you! Its like a great fresh breeze of oxygen in a stagnant environment .
Thank you for this video. My spouse have never abided by any of the advice given by doctors, even after a quadruple bypass surgery, sleep aponea surgery, severe diabetes etc. He also has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Recently he was diagnosed with early onset dementia and has been put on medication. Almost two years ago we made timetables and charts for him to record his medications, testing, going for walks etc. More recently, he bathed infrequently, wasn't going for his walks, and some strange behaviour that was incomprehensible. The medication keeps him calm. Because of his NPD people have taken advantage of him and he has given away our life's savings, leaving us very little to live on. He also has a mania for shopping for stuff he doesn't need. Some of this can be controlled and his credit and debit cards safely out of reach. I don't know how fast he will decline, so your video was really helpful. To avoid confrontation in the past, if I needed him to do something, I would leave him a note. Thank you.
Thank you. Life changing video and advice.
Thank you for this practical approach to helping my husband have more “good” days. Stress relievers are essential for both of us.
This is extremely helpful. I'm helping a woman whose dementia only recently became obvious, and I have to try to communicate what I see to family who can't be as available as I know they would like to be. In doing so I now see that I test her in ways that are stressful and can be avoided. I'm relatively new to her, initially being hired to take care of her dog and transitioning into a somewhat loosely defined caregiver position. Being outside the circle of her familiar people, I know she hides her feelings and what she does and does not remember out of politeness or propriety, and it's not yet easy to tell when she's being stressed. But I can almost definitely discern how she is if I watch more and quiz less. Your advice has already helped her by helping me. Thank you.
My mom is starting to have dementia but also she is bedridden due to other health issues. The psychatrist who visited her at home perscribed alloperidin but he was explicit that I should correct her blah blah and left me with literally no instruction probably he wanted the extra info to give him etra....we went through hell and back. I am balancing things better now that I am getting more informed and treating the underlying problems that feed the dementia. I found your videos very helpful. Thank you very much. Greetings from Athens Greece!😊
Omg I’m guilty of all these. Thank you for pointing these out. I have fallen into bad habits. Im going to be more cognizant of my own behaviors.
Thank you, these four common mistakes to avoid with your loved ones who have dementia could also be applied
In other situations with loved ones. For example, not correcting others in public , not arguing when it is not going anywhere and creating more stress, not reasoning when maybe the person only wants you to listen and feel understood
A
Well said!
Good points❤
Thank you so much for this! My mom has dementia it just started about 6 months ago, And I have been guilty of all 4. I'm informed now and will change the way I deal with her now.
I'm really liking your channel!
It's nice for the caregiver to experience fewer difficult behaviors, for sure, but its also nice for the person with memory loss to not be upset by shame, grief, or confusion. When we can facilitate this, its a win, win. And ultimately, the feelings not the facts are what matter.
As I am a new care blazer, this is very helpful as I see myself already making these mistakes
This should be part of a school curriculum, so that if someone encounters the situation of suddenly having a relative with dementia in the family, they have an idea of what to do and do not rely on random information they stumble accross. Even in a nursing home, I have heard a very nice nurse once tell an inhabitant with dementia, "Mrs X, your dinner is served in your ROOM as it has been every day during the last 10 years!" Also, there was another patient constantly calling "hello?!" to everyone who was just ignored or told she had said the same thing several times already.
On the positive side, there was a woman who was screaming several hours a day, just screaming random things, and she had some friends in the home who came to visit her and take her for walks down the hall. So all the entertainment did not rest with the nurses.
I have to say that I certainly wish I’d come across this video a long time ago when my late great grandmother was battling both Dementia (sundowner’s) and Alzheimer’s Disease. And let me say it was highly challenging when I became her at-home caregiver/POA when she’d became a flight risk and even provided ongoing care during her stay in a nursing home, I can DEFINITELY relate to what many caregivers (new or ongoing) may feel or otherwise experience (the rapid mood changes, agitation, etc.)..especially when you’re suddenly faced with a rollercoaster of emotional, mental and physical strain that caring for a loved one with Dementia presents. This video hit the head of the nail and is a sublime outline as to how to avoid these mistakes early and put out any fires before they start.
Like many others whom have loved ones suffering from dementia and/or Alzheimer’s, I made these same mistakes in the beginning and by no means was I a perfect caregiver and I knew I had to quickly learn to keep myself in check during those moments so that I could provide the best care as humanly possible..especially with the “Arguing/Reasoning” and “correcting”. I’d seen friends whom are caregivers exercise the same mistakes and it can somewhat alter relationships. My grandmother’s case was somewhat unique to a degree: with the sundowners portion of Dementia, she’d be perfectly OK during the day (so long as she didn’t have too much sugar as it bizarrely altered her mood/behavior which to this day her Doctor couldn’t explain) and would happily sit down to watch her Soap Operas, Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune and the Price Is Right (her number one favorite when Bob Barker was gameshow host), but as the sun set around 6:30-7 PM, that’s when I noticed the agitation, confusion/disorientation, talking to now deceased loved ones (she mentioned her sister Annie a lot) and moments of verbal/physical aggression which by far was heartbreaking to witness.
While Dementia affects people differently, we must all work to not take anything that’s said or directed at us personally as we know that this disease is responsible for any behaviors.
The one way I’d learned to cope and better process the mistake of argument/reasoning/correction is to in a sense think of it as if you were caring for a toddler or small child (I mean this in the best of ways, of course). Toddlers are still fairly new to the world and when it comes to their day to day life, they’re going to do what they do on their own terms. When you try to “over correct” or find yourself arguing or reasoning with said toddler who is already used to living on their own accord per-se, it’s expected that they’d react negatively to it and see it as if they often don’t feel validated and thus they’re going to try and “prove you wrong” and test limits/boundaries when they feel challenged or limited in any way. We often try to maintain the adult conversations with our loved ones with dementia to help “keep their dignity”, however as time passes it becomes increasingly difficult to do so which can not only frustrate yourself as a caregiver, it in turn can frustrate the loved one who’s faced with Dementia albeit by overstimulation from “trying to remember” or who in their mind “THEY know how certain events took place” therefore making them feel challenged or undervalued and when the disease progresses to where they can no longer verbally communicate in a clear and concise manner, it just adds more stress for all involved including the loved one with Dementia.
If there’s ANY sound advice or insight I can provide from nearly 10 years experience as a caregiver to help make things more comfortable, these would be it:
* Go at their own pace: when it comes to care (dressing, feeding, bathing, etc.), to rush them or become impatient and frustrated only worsens things.
*Give your loved one the freedom of choice: This applies to things from morning routine, to food choice, clothing choice and beyond. Whilst a loved one with Dementia may not be able to verbalize their choice outright, giving them the freedom of making simple choices helps to keep the loved one engaged and the feeling that they’re still in control. For example, my grandmother before dementia was a very confident and vain to where she ALWAYS put herself together with makeup, etc. so when it came to dressing and grooming, I’d get down to her level and use the “hand under hand” technique which helps to maintain a physical connection with your loved one while also allowing your loved one to also be engaged in their dressing/grooming routine. I’d have her make simple choices by starting with two choices for shirts, pants, makeup choice, etc. I would then hold up the shirts for her to look at and say “would you like to wear this shirt or that shirt?” She’d then had the freedom to point and touch the one she wants rather than frustrate her by “just dressing” her per-se. Same with the meal, makeup and other things. It also helps to try and read their body language as people with dementia often times cannot verbalize that their thinking or feeling. By utilizing these techniques, I personally found it to be very helpful and kept her calm as well when she didn’t feel like her freedom was lost.
If there is ANYONE whom is a caregiver (new or present) for a loved one with dementia, know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE and never be afraid to seek help/support where you feel is needed.
How do I respond to these messages?
I am a “Loved One” (as you are referring to these lessons and as m the “receiver” of things you suggesting. If you would like, I would like to respond that MOST of what you are advising is very good or very bad; depending upon the “levels” these folks are.
for example if I loved one as you refer to them it’s just beginning to experience some forgetfulness and he’s treated in the matter in which you suggest it becomes harmful (counter productive) and hurtful.
Any further correction from that point on is worthless then… as pain creeps into the “loved ones” mind. Pain that takes over the “lesson’”meaning and causes yet another fear! A lot is dependent upon the level at which a person is in need of this kind of
Shall we say…. Manipulation.
I loved how at the end you said to just start to make some changes in what, as a caregiver you say. I was getting overwhelmed early in the video because I do do... all of the things you point out as things that aren't helpful and make a bad situation worse.
I was a CNA for a long time with Dementia and Alzheimers and now my dad has Dementia so now I help care for him and try to help my family learn these things thanks for the update
I think I’ve learned these lessons but your reinforcement of them is invaluable. Thanks!
Thank you for this lesson. I needed to hear it again! Very good teaching!
You are an amazing teacher!
Thank you sharing how to change my behaviors! I definitely have been doing the first 3 things. Then leaving frustrated and over whelmed.
Thank you so much! I'm learning more and more on how to take care of my mom. You are an angel💓🙏💓
You are describing how to be kind to people with dementia so that the relationship can live well as long as possible .
This is valuable advice. It is a challenge for me to let my wife say inaccurate things. I need to "let things go".
The hardest for me: mom will be on the phone telling her sister something like "I never got breakfast today," making it look like I'm negligent.
@@blueminnie13 Please don't let those things get to you. Everyone knows that she has dementia. I learned to think of it this way: The mama that you knew is no longer there. You have to figure out a way to deal with the person you have now. 💛
@@blueminnie13 oh My God me too. It makes me feels like I am an Ogar. And my Mom will say She's gonna get mad at me....now I sound abusive🥴
I send you a hug and glass of wine🍷
@@LAppleDumpling Yes!!! Thanks for the hug and glass of wine. Clink glasses! My mom (96) has yelled at me in this past when the Dr. said she couldn't live alone anymore. Now she just stops talking when I say something she doesn't like (This is usually about keeping clean). Sending hugs and cheer back at you!
@@blueminnie13 96?!!! I used to think I wanted to live to 100, but not anymore......
It helps so much to know this, this is what we're dealing with now. She says I didn't even get dirty, why do I need a shower!
I try to be so empathetic and understand when someone's been in control all their life and she too just gets silent. it would be nice if we all live close to each other then we could exchange each other's roles for a few hours a day. You know like when you babysit someone else's kids sometimes it's nicer break and a good insight.
Well I send blessings don't know how you do it!!!
❤️🍷❤️🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻💘
Thank you, for posting information and techniques to make living with dementia as a caregiver manageable! Trying to remember today’s strategies I’m going to use don’t drive a CART in front of them! Don’t Correct; Argue; Reason or Test to make them understand. Work to make them maintain feelings of control and independence and to feel respected and loved!
Lo
This is worthy of watching more than once! Great information and reinforcement of things I try to do.
Gosh Natali, you are so perceptive and articulate. I experience all of this and have began to understand that I have to relate differently. You have made it clear how to do it. Thank you😊😥!
I take care of my 97 year old mother. She was always asking me, multiple times a day what time it was or what day it was, so I got her a atomic clock that gives her the answers to all those questions. She said that as soon as she gets up she looks to see what day it is, that way she knows if someone special is coming over, like the visiting nurse or the therapist.
My hubby has always been an argumentative soul, only now it's the same arguments over and over. I will try to put these tips into practice, thankyou!
My dad has advanced dementia and unsure of how to help my all time hero. To see him regress is incredibly difficult. Your videos are amazing. You are a angel. Please keep the wonderful videos coming. God bless.
Thank you so much for this video. My sister-in-law has dementia and her husband is her caregiver. I’m a retired nurse and he will call me asking questions. I took care of my mom who had dementia so I try to help him when I can. Your video is outstanding. The information in it is very timely. Thank you so very much.
I often feel like I’m living with a black out drinker
And I’m trying to explain to him the next day what he did the night before
It really makes me think of that a lot and I know it won’t make sense but I try to let him know not to get up out of bed because he fell
Thank you so much for this video, it is helping me immensely!
Thank you for the simple, rational approach to assisting our loved ones. I will begin to utilize these immediately, not expecting perfection from myself yet, but feeling more confident that I am reducing family stress in the household.
I need to hear this video every morning to go through a day with my mom and dad both with dementia.
I wish this channel was around when I was caring for my mother(she passed almost 8 years ago) This information would have been so helpful to me. This information is so helpful and important for primary caregivers.
Keep up the good work .
I'd just like to say, I had a stroke 8 years ago, and testing and correcting were part of my rehab, as I was trying to stimulate my brain and encourage plasticity. It was and continues to be the most exhausting part of stroke recovery for me. (One day my dad said to me, "You seem fine to me." I said, "That's because no one can see the work I'm doing inside right now." :) ) My dad had a severe stroke last year and is in rapid cognitive decline. At first I tried working with him using the techniques I had learned, but I soon stopped. The only recovery he has made from the stroke has been motor, and his cognitive decline is profound. I'm sure they'd classify it as dementia if he weren't already medical coded for stroke. Anyway, I switched my approach to yours and changed my expectations. I don't try now to help him regain fine motor skills or work on his memory. If my mom and dad want him to have that they have the financial resources to get him a therapist. My job is just to be a daughter. You cannot walk someone else's path for them. I will say this: thinking is not consistent, it's dependent on many variables. YOUR LOVED ONE will think better when they are well hydrated!! How many actual ounces of water are they drinking? Are you keeping track of that? The brain must have sleep, glucose, fat, and water. It also benefits from stimulation. Do NOT allow your loved one to sit around watching the news. It agitates them. Instead, get a DVD or download something that is just nature. It's so calming. Try it. If you feed their brain and watch out for l negative stimulation, you might find yourself with a happier family member who is easier to talk to and who enjoys their day.
Hi, We are so glad you are here as part of this community. Wishing you all the best on your caregiving journey. 💖
My husband had a massive stroke 8 years ago. He has stroke induced dementia. So a stroke definitely causes brain problems.
Very helpful advice. Thank you.
I appreciate that you are on your own journey. And I hope that you understand me when I say sorry for your loss even though your parent is still alive. It's hard to see the rapid decline in cognitive skills. Be well.
My mom recently progressed from mild cognitive impairment to dementia and I only just recently discovered your channel, Dr. Edmonds. I literally cried with relief upon finding just a few of your videos (especially the one on managing guilt and sadness--I really needed that video today!). Your comforting manner and well-explained, highly practical advice has already helped me in my interactions with my mom and I know I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of all the wonderful content you have created. I know I will be visiting your channel frequently, and I hope maybe I can catch one of your live Q & As sometime. I want to give you a heartfelt thank you for the much-needed help you are providing to people in such an easily accessible way!
I'm so happy you are here. Sending you love and strength as you care for your mom.
What were her symptoms when mild cognitive impairment? Any details u cae to share? I think my mom is there now and she lives alone 500 miles away. She repeats herself a lot. She makes up memories of me that I know never happened. She got lost in the airport last time she tried to fly, and she starting to lie a lot about small simple things. noy sure if its dementia but has me worried
It sounds like a Grandma I help care for. She needs someone to help her pretty much 24/7 now, although some days she can be left alone for a few hrs. I would suggest calling her town's council on aging and ask what programs might be available to help her. Meals on Wheels, senior citizens center, vfw, etc. I would check into a visiting nurse also. Our Granny has a nurse come once a week to check her vitals,weight, her meds, physical therapy, etc. I'm sure it's very hard to be 500 miles away in an already tough situation. I just prayed a prayer for you, and everyone going through this now!
@@jenniferwolf5941 thank u. And means a lot. And will do
@@arthurashbeats It is not lying if they are confused about what is happening.
this is absolutely true with my mom... her behavior completely changed after i changed how i interacted with her
thanks for this video, stay blessed dr Natalie
This was wonderful! Everything you have described I have been doing and getting nowhere. The hardest part for me is his accusing me that the house is in my name, that the car he used was so old I had to get rid of it and sometimes he gets obsessed with that. So do I say well we can get another car when we need to and then change the subject and I really thank you that you said don't be hard on yourself because it's a learning process. Even that brings me to tears! It's so hard not to be, feeling like you constantly have to defend yourself on why you're not there and you have to fix the house window etc, and being accused of things and another of the hardest part is him saying I want to be home I'm coming home tomorrow or I'm going to sign myself out. Meantime he has been bedridden for 7 months and is in a nursing home all this time. I'm going to start going to a once-a-month support group and I'm hoping I can connect with somebody that I can connect with over the phone. Boy if you had a phone number it would be wonderful thank you so much for this video! God bless you in Jesus name!!😊😊😊
One of the most valuable videos I have heard. Thank you Dr. Natali!
Thank you Dementia Careblazers.
Appreciate your kind effort to help the caregivers.
God bless you.
I can't tell you how much this helped - thank you!!!
I’m a Retired CNA, let me Praise you for sharing 🙌🏻💜
I’m my Husband’s Caregiver he has Vascular Dementia ....
We have been married 18 years and he just turned 80 and I’m 61 ❤️
When my Husband is on the phone ☎️ and I have a BIG problem opening my mouth 😩
Correcting him.
I have to remove myself from the room to keep my mouth closed !
My Husband is a Retired Policeman 👮🏼♂️ and he is pretty much calm and I know that if there is not a safety issue I have learned to let it go and so because he is my Husband I love ❤️ him so much and I want him to just be normal.
Redirects are sometimes not helpful because he forgot. Sometimes you won’t know there is a problem.
I too am in the same situation.
Same boat same age 61/80. It’s overwhelming and I feel like I’m disappearing. Family doesn’t see it being a problem but I’m the one who sleeps light because he constantly walk through the house at night checking the front door, thank god he can’t unlock the deadbolt. Hanging in there!
I have done all these things,but recently am learning these better ways.I saw that trying to reason with Mom lead to more frustration for her,for her husband and ultimately for me!
Same here . I realized it was going nowhere. Hang in there 😥
Thank you so much Dr. These are truly very helpful insights when dealing with dementia patients. 🙏
Thank you sweetie your a life saver thanks for sharing. Glad I found the Careblazers.❤
Helpful video! Lots of great strategies, looking forward to using them and sharing them with my mom and siblings. God bless you, sincerely, and thank you for the work you do💜.
Omg I’m so glad I bumped into this video! I, the caregiver did exactly the four things in your video. Thanks for opening my eyes and educating me on what not to do. Of course I’ve stopped doing the four common mistakes before watching your video because of too much energy being used by both and it wasn’t getting me anywhere so why get excited for nothing. Anyway I’ve since calmed down, it’s hard, but I still need patience. I pray every night just having my parent another day with me. I’m still trying to maintain because it’s still something new to me. Thank you!
I’ve only watched two videos so far and can honestly say that you are a godsend!
I am teetering and falling slowly into my own short term memory loss. 🍏 I see the wear and tear on my loving relationship with my daughter 🌸 I will give her this link ❤️ I appreciate what you’re teaching 😊 I wish I had known all this w my own Mother back in 2000 - 2007 🏡 I have taken a very long time to type this and I use happy emojis instead of a period sign (easier to see where I’m at and they make me happy) ♻️ Please keep on pushing your thoughts and education forward, if not for my family, but for others who will wholeheartedly benefit from this !! Much much love, Peggy 🍏
I know you wrote this two years ago so you probably won't see my reply, but I am so touched by your comment. So often there are videos for and about caregiving, but so few videos from the people learning to cope with their own memory loss. Sending hugs on this difficult journey!
Why do people give a thumbs down to good advice? Thanks Dr.Natali for sharing your expertise and wisdom with us !
She takes too long to get to the reason we clicked to watch the video.
@@lisalo3011 ok but you know you can click forward, don't you? People probably give the thumbs down to feel like they have power.
Why should viewers coddle the original poster for wasting our valuable time of 3:48 minutes before getting to the subject matter? It is similar to click bait. Why should the viewer have to do the work for her, of scrolling ahead to guess when the subject matter will finally be addressed, or going to the transcript to find the meat
of the matter? Viewers were sincerely interested in the subject matter, and it is REASONABLE that the poster GET TO THE POINT.
Thanks Natali, Great Advice!
Thank you so much for your videos! I am learning so much and your advice is certainly helping me be a better caregiver to my husband with vascular dementia.
*I understand that my grandmother had dementia, but I was living overseas. *I have a friend whose mother had dementia, and after we visited her, my friend shared her belief that she would be in the same situation someday. *In other words, I am going to copy the link to your videos and put it in my folder for my children!
The advice for thinking of communication with toddlers and pre-school age children rings true. I began following you on Instagram. These videos are excellent expansions of your knowledge. May you continue your service knowing that you are certainly making a difference. Gives me hope!
Correction was a dice roll for me. In some situations I thought "oh she deserves to know this" and in other situations I thought "oh that isn't significant, she can think that"-but that isn't how this works 😅
I look after a sister with dementia, this video is so helpful.THANK YOU!
Thank you so much for all your precious recommendations! My father has body Lewis Dementia and it’s been a struggle, is her two other brother who help with his care and the personalities are all different. These recommendations are so simple and priceless for all of us un bringing back some reassurance and calmness in my fathers life, it makes all the difference ❤ thanks you 😊
Our 92 y/o mom seems to be at the beginning stage of dementia, which seems to be happening quickly. Your videos are very helpful for my sisters and I to understand our mom's confabulation, depression and anger at times as well.
We were taught differently years ago reality orientation
Thank you for sharing this information with me as I'm living with my Mother who was just diagnosed with onset of dementia.
Thank you Doctor! You are the answer to my prayers!
Thank you!! Today was a difficult day. I needed this video!! Different approach tomorrow. Every day is a learning situation when you have a parent with dementia. Stay Strong all .
This is the BEST of all that I have researched, you are such a pleasant, knowledgable and caring person. You make a difference in our lives. Thank you for your dedication.
Thank you for this valuable information. I am bring my aunt home to take care of her. She has the beginning stages of dementia. I also help families who’s loved ones have dementia. This is something good to pass on to them as well.
Thank-you for all the detailed information. It is a good reminder for me, especially the part about avoiding arguing disagreeing and other mistakes l might make. You are very dedicated in your profession, Nstali Edmonds, and are helping a lot of people to be informed with this devastating disorder
Thank - you. Sorry to learn the podcasts will end soon, but l am thankful for your information that l will try to put into practice. Julia ( Suzi- Q.)
Thank you Natali. I appreciate you so much.
Thank you so much. Now I have work to do to learn these communication skills for my husband and me.
This has been really informative. Thank you.
Easy and very informative way of covering this. I'm just now starting to deal with this with my brother. Thanks for the tips
I am so thankful God led me to your TH-cam channel. The information you share is so insightful and helpful.
I’m new and your information is very helpful!!! My husband has vascular dementia and it’s extremely challenging and I believe these suggestions will help!!! Thank you!!
Thank you so much. Your tips are wonderful.
Really good points, thank you.
Thank you for the topic on Caregiver Mistakes. It was helpful to me.
I'm so so glad l found you. I'm a caregiver for my 89 yr old father.
Thanks so much for the advice. I just started listening to your program.
Your explanations are so helpful. Thank you.
I wish I would have had this great advice when my father was still alive.
My wife is 79 yrs old and suffer from dementia at a fairly advanced stage. I am 87 yrs old and care for my wife. I enjoy listening to you because you express your ideas in a worthwhile way. If the person with dementia comes up with strange, incorrect ideas, such as I wish to talk to mum when mum has been dead for 20 odd years; and she goes on and on with scores of incorrect ideas every few minutes, I can divert the situation gently very much following what you suggest. But after a while the matter becomes exaspearting and tiresome. I feel inside I am losing my patience as the situation turns almost unbearable.
What I mean is one can face such trauma for a while, but not time and time again totally unstoppable. We live alone so there are no one around to share my agony. Its fine what you say but sometimes these steps are not practical, but agonising!!
Wonderful information. Thank you so much. This may have already been suggested, but if you ordered the items slightly differently they'd form the acronym CART.
Thank you for your amazingly helpful work
what awesome advice and I'm so glad that I have applied most of these, thus far. It just makes sense and I never want my loved one to feel bad or loose their dignity. I treat my loved one the way I would want to be treated. It's not about me and all about them, during this season of their life.
Thank you so much for this information. I have had a difficult time on how to deal with my mother, who has dementia. I will definitely apply the things I learned in your video. Again, thank you.
Thank you so much. I sure needed this information. You explained in away that are easy ways to handle situations. Thank you again.
You are so helpful and knowledgeable! Thanks