6 things narcissist enablers say to you
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 22 มิ.ย. 2020
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"Be the bigger person". Translation: Shrink yourself to fit the narcissist's agenda.
I dont agree with this, "bear up under the pain of unjust suffering because you are conscious of God".
Ya until they have to live under the thumb of a narc.
How about this one? "The scriptures have advice for everything. Do what u have to in order to keep peace." What they fail to recognize is the scriptures call out the behavior of a narc in many places.
Oh my peas, someone just told me that...
Just wow!
100% I've had that recently.
I'm an attorney who does divorce work. One way to deal with the enablers is to ask them "why do you think it's in my best interest to do what you're suggesting?" This questions reveals that what they're telling you to do is not in your best interest at all. I've had my own personal experience with flying monkeys, and this question has worked every time.
Yes!
!!! it was never pertaining to it being within our best interest but, the suggestion is simply for the best interest of whoever the narcissist is.
Thats a great idea.
Thank you it's something I will carry with me for a long time, it's now part of my arsenal to see THEM and allow them to SEE THEMSELVES.
I will try and remember this - thanks.
My father and my sister are narcissists. My mom is a big time enabler. When I confronted them, she said, "we fed you we raised you, did we sell you as a child?" She thinks I have to be grateful because they didn't commit humantrafficking...
My mother: you lived, didn't you?
Gee, you're the best mother ever for not killing your children! 🤪
Wow. I'm so sorry. I can't believe a parent would ever say this.
Wow 😲 I feel for you.
Thats awful
I'm glad you have a sense of humor about it.
"You two never got along." As if it were a mutual problem vs dealing with one person's bad behavior.
exactly! like when King Charles the narcissist enabler tells his two sons not to make his last years miserable, as if it were William and Harry causing all the trouble! It is all Harry and William is doing everything right.
Any time I try boundaries to my siblings I get this from my parents.
The false equivalency is gaslighting.
Bingo! This hurt deeply.
14:35 yeah i just heard that one recently "dont get along' really wonder why after idiot bulldozed my access then she so stupid she fenced off council land and mine.
Hah! We dont get along cause i stood my ground. As Narcs are dishonest manipulative seems they are believable. The victim is the liar does my head in!
"There are two sides to every story." Not when it comes to abuse.
Well said. Court still think this way. They just don't get that xx
My blood boils at this phrase because I was told this after abuse as well!
Yes!! But it’s true that there are two sides. When the narc is in control of the story it is dangerous to not ask for the other side. I guess narcs are dangerous either way. Best to just document and have proof.
YES. I just posted this exact phrase an hour ago on Dr. Ramani's video about how to point out a narcissist to other people because the one time I finally opened up to a mutual friend about the abuse my child and I had been suffering for 15 years, this is exactly what she said to me. On the surface, it seems like the person is just being sensible and objective, but it's actually very dismissive in a way that it implies that your abuse is not reality - that it's just a perception, while at the same time implying that all of the lies the narcissist in your life tells about you are just as "valid" and true as your experience. When you're already already having your reality questioned on a daily basis through gaslighting, it's so detrimental.
Absolutely!!!
Seríal killer: Gets caught killing people.
Neighbors: “He was the nicest guy ever. I never had any problem with him.”
Literally
There are usually a few people who pick up on some level of creepiness about such characters, "but I just couldn't put my finger on it".
@@helenhighwater5313 at least those ppl acknowledge the guy was odd. Others act like that because the killer never killed them, “he was the nicest guy ever.”
@@Autumn_Forest_ So true, and senseless. How in the world can a person reconcile the two opposing things in their minds? It just shows how self centered humans can be...judging solely on how the person seems to treat them and not looking at the whole picture. It seems some people can't admit that they themselves are subject to deception. God help us all.
Oh great example!!
My favorite, "you can't live in the past.... you have to let things go..." Even when the behaviors have never stopped.
Bingo. Fortunately, that's more my abusive mother saying that than her enabler husband, but Dad kept claiming my mother "did the best that she knew to do at the time".
Like it’s just that simple.
Or when it happened 5 min ago lol
I usually say, tell her that!
"At the end of the day, we’re still family"
"Honor thy mother and thy father"
"Your skin isn’t thick enough"
"Just ignore it"
"Get over it" is the worst comment!
Yesssss
You are remembering wrong. That's the one that triggers me.
Yep
Yep. I hear this regularly.
I blocked my mom from my life, and everyone is telling me how in pain she is. No she isn't. She just doesn't like the optics of appearing like a bad mom whose eldest child wont talk to her. For real reasons.
Same here. Lucky for you if it's just one parent.
Sorry let me rephrase - not lucky just less fked up.
I just did the same thing and when I tell anyone she is just upset at how people will see her now and she is not upset because I am not around, everyone reacts like I am just being mean and unwilling to forgive I've been forgiving for 44 years now, I think that's enough. I hope you manage to stick to ur guns! Good luck!
@@nathalieabi-hamad9595 good luck to you as well.
She lost her narcissistic feed, that’s an important loss to her. Like a thief who lost his bounty.
" they are still your parents " is a big one.
“she’s your mother, you have to respect her”
Cat Walker yes
"Hes your father you have to respect him think about all those kids who don't have a father be grateful for what you have". It's hard to make people understand.
@@wildrose2004 Lol I know right just enabling the abuse .
"He's your father and sacrificed for you. He had nothing when he was your age. Look at you, you've never missed meal, have you, Mr. College graduate with new car!!!"
The main thing I hear is that we are all told "you're too sensitive".
No we are not. I cut my narcissist and enablers off years ago, life is hard but it gets better.
Look after yourself everyone. X
Amen
OMG - how many times did I hear that one! Because I reacted appropriately to verbal abuse? Oh ok - so we're clear - LOL!
As if there is a sane way to respond to their INSANITY
I’m told I’m raising my kid to be a (fill in the blank over thinker, sensitive, bitch, looser etc) just like me
It’s hard I’m struggling
@@Memomommy maybe try something like this “I am hurting due to this consistent behaviour (whatever it is) being levelled at me when I have asked for it to stop. The other person is being “insensitive” by not listening and changing.” OR “STOP saying that. You know that is not true.” Remember it is NOT true. You are hurting, you are not “too sensitive”. This is only for enablers. Narcs who say this get nothing, not even a crestfallen face. All the best.
"Your mom with die one day. You'll wish you had a mother."
"Honor your father and mother."
"Christmas is a time to set aside differences and forgive."
-Says the people who weren't abused their entire life by their mother.
They are so big on manipulating with dying.. My narcissist father has the tendency of yelling that “he will die and I will regret it”, when I don’t let him suck me into his drama. And my borderline/covert narc mother is manipulating with “who will take care of her when she gets old..”.
I have always wished I had a mother instead of a narcissist.
There's nothing honourable about people who abuse and neglect children.
"Differences" is for subjective preferences among equally meritorious choices (eg, flavours of ice cream). Child abuse is not a difference of opinion; it's wrong. Non-negotiable.
@@lousialb8962 I finally woke up to acknowledging my narc mother and how she destroyed my entire life and my relationship with my siblings and father. No this people don’t deserve a second chance just because their birthed us. There’s no coming back from a child abuse..nothing!! It’s just so sick..
Yes,I've been told this.Sorry but im done with that nonsense.
Well, mine's been dead a few years now, & gosh, it's not too different from all the years she _was_ alive that my entire chest cavity was nothing but a giant gaping hole, wishing I had a mother. Biggest difference is she's not around to try any hoovering or furthering abuse against her grandchildren. Ding Dong the witch is dead!!!
They'll say: "He loves you, he just doesn't know how to show it..." Crap like that...
Wow, that's exactly what my mom used to tell me about my narc dad!
Omg my mom used to say that when I was growing up. I thought how could I be hard to love?
Sooo true 👍
Yes
I blew off your videos for a long time. I'm 64 years old. Sick of young pretty chicks telling me how to re-see what I KNOW has happened. Seeing your white hair roots Told me you have the years to have earned wisdom. Wear your years PROUD! You EARNED every one of those white hairs. It wasn't until I saw them that I was even willing to hear what you had to say. You have so much WISE info to say. Thanks for not dying your roots, so I got too hear the wisdom you have that I can now apply to my life.🔚
“Why are you so negative and stuck in the past?”
“You’re an adult now, get over it.”
“You’re just an anxious person. You interpret everything wrong.”
Exactly that 👆🏻
Sometimes the only explanation/interpretation is a case of ONGOING ABUSE.
oh god exactly
I just got all those from my sister 2 days ago!
My narc mother controls her with money.
Are we related😂😂😂
“You shouldn’t have made him so angry.” My mom enabled my dad’s narcissistic abuse out of fear. I was labeled the instigator growing up because I had the audacity to question my dad’s skewed version of reality.
About the label of "instigator": me too! The "idea" behind the label, such as it is, is that the problem simply wouldn't exist if the "instigator" hadn't called attention to it. That's not just gaslighting; that's full on blow-torch bullshit.
Oh wow so me too...
You sound like you're the whistleblower..., Narcissists label you as the "scapegoat" and seek to destroy when you're the whistleblower personality. I'm a whistleblower.
So draining
Good for you! I wish I would have had the guts to question my parents.
Enablers will say that they don't want to pick sides so keep them out of it by not talking to them about your perspective. It shuts down and ices out the person who is suffering.
Our landlord!!
My favorite: "they told ME they're super sorry about the bad thing they did to you". Cool, funny how they consistently neglect to tell me directly.
🤣💀
Oh mah gahhd. So true!
😂
That’s an upgrade. “I’m sorry” is something I just never heard.
It’s impossible to reason with a narc because the narc needs to make sure you won’t be heard. It’s important for the narc not to listen to what you have to say.
Or they just say I told you I was sorry but they never did
It's annoying when you tell an enabler a cruel thing that the narcissist did to you, and the enabler gets mad at you for "talking bad about" the narcissist. Because they don't like hearing that the narcissist isn't how they want him to be.
I once told my mom ‘ he’s a narcissist ‘, because she was always complaining about him. She replied: ‘Yes’. That was the last conversation I had with her on the phone. After that it’s the occasional text message a few times a year. I’m sure he’s forbidden her to talk to me anymore. She takes it literally.
It's actually scary. This world becomes scary
@@thornless9073 True, for more than one reason.
Marjet22 Nothing but love and compassion for you! I totally F***ing get it. Unfortunately for me, my mother had a stroke last week and I now know for sure that we will never have any reconciliation (she is alive but incapable of communicating in any meaningful way). Her final betrayal was making sure I was kicked out of my home while giving my abuser money to take my children (Whom were not being abused and have grown on to be the joy of my life!) I continued to text my abusive mom for years after out of respect because my father was never there for me but my mother ,at least, tried (she was an epic failure, but she tried) I will be praying for healing in your relationship. Hopefully it will go better than mine. Ultimately, in my journey, I’ve realized that it’s OK to love someone and understand that they will never be the Parent that you wanted or needed. And very cathartic to be able to accomplish things your parents didn’t! Nothing but love for you on this side❤️🙏✝️
Martina van Campen-Wierda
I would just like to start off by saying “Well done!!!
So uplifting!
Your reply gave me such joy this morning
I was told , not 30 mins ago that my 6 figure inheritance would be going to her and her latest husband’s medical care
Not gunna lie 🤷♀️
(Cuz, you know, I would love to be Pius and say “It was nothing ,But in reality I was super pissed about the money)
Money is a beautiful thing when it is accompanied with satisfaction
In my personal experience :
SUCCESS IS NOT A DESTINATION!
It is just a few moment for most us
Just as brief as a cup of coffee with a friend
IMHO
We were never created to be satisfied
Rich or poor you have to feed yourself three times a day(ish)
Which means we all have vulnerability in common
Steve Jobs had “All The Kings Horses and All The Kings men” yet he was unable to turn his successes (influence, money, and power) into immortality
I have truly enjoyed my successes
But I have discovered that crying with someone who is suffering, giving a quarter to someone who is down on their luck, or just being patient with someone who is TRULY pissing you off, are the meaningful successes that most of us forget
Life’s “success” aren’t really the “Rock Star” moments that we dream of
(I have had those too ! Those moments are Awesome!!)
But the less exciting and more meaningful relationships are what life is about for me personally
Sorry not sorry 🤷♀️
(6 f-ing figures well f-ing lost)
“Is it not better to eat a bowl of vegetables with a friend, than to eat steak with who seeks to injure?”
Answer: YES!!!
I love steak , but I am truly grateful and satisfied with vegetables When it involves true connection with flawed people who with big hearts❤️
That is truly MAKING love
Is it weird to feel guilty about being free?
"Love everyone" "turn the other cheek" "I don't take sides" "make peace" "the truth is in the middle"
"She's your mother, so we're going to respect her enough to do things her way."
Or it takes 2 to tango… fuck that! I didn’t want to dance💀🤡
Six Things Narcissist Enablers say:
1.The Narcissist had a tough backstory 2:56
2. The Narcissist didn't mean it 5:01
3. I never had a problem with the Narcissist 6:12
4. It will get better--just be patient 7:38
5. It's not that bad (minimization aka gaslighting) 9:13
6. Stop complaining, the Narcissist takes care of your material needs 10:37
Add, "Just ignore them. Let it go."
My enabling step-father after I confronted my murderous mother: "You should just get over it. Just look at Corrie ten Boom and Elizabeth Smart: they forgave..."
Thank you for that break down. It was very helpful.
@@NancyCronk this was the most frequent thing said to me when growing up.
Forgive but you don’t have to be connected! No contact works well!
"They're your parents! A parent would never want anything bad for their children"
--not with narcissists, your pain is their joy
Or - "You would have been way better off in foster care right from the start [instead of being dead or on welfare extra help]" instead.
True Story
This is why, come Mother's Day or Father's Day, I always try to arrange to attend mass in a foreign language church (or, during the pandemic, an online church in a country that doesn't have the same Mother's Day or Father's Day) because the sermons about how wonderful parents are fills my heart with anger and resentment at the contrast with reality.
In my situation the narcs kids were my nieces and they were basically just his pieces of property to use for his evil agenda.
Yes! Or I have had the guilt trip... what if your son one day shuts you out? How would you feel?
"just think how much stronger that made you", which is BS. The abuse didn't make me strong. It made me insecure, it made feel worthless, it made me devalue myself.
True it is horrific. I nearly had a stroke today as a result of a psychopath's actions. I had one last year. I was so shaking and distressed.
I think in the long term my narcissist abuse made me stronger. It certainly made me wiser and more able to read the signs and not be a doormat in the relationship. But everyone is different and if I could go back in time and NOT have that horrible experience, I would. And the whole "it made you stronger" thing is NO justification for abuse.
+1
@@AlyssaTaylor9 I agree with that. Now that I've been involved in therapy and have worked through my trauma and I actually am happy and experience joy in my life I do feel very strong. I just think it's so sad to put someone, especially a child, through that kind of a journey, and I've definitely made my worst decisions as a result of the abuse I suffered from my father. I'm grateful everyday that I decided I wanted a better life for myself and sought therapy. It saved my life.
As much as I hate to say it and mourn the childhood I could have had, I wouldn't change what has happened to me, because it has instilled in me a desire to be a mentor and safe haven for children with emotionally turbulent households, and I'm proud of the fact that I retained my gentleness, despite how easy it is to stay bitter.
The "tough love" didn't make me stronger, it just made me timid and resentful. And my mother claims she was trying to make me tougher because she didn't want me to grow up like she did. Yeah, right! She was just taking her anger out on whatever was convenient at the time.
"Just put the past behind you" in response to my firm boundary with the narcissist
This channel is more useful than a decades of therapy and medications. No one ever told me anything about narcissism and it’s now glaringly clear what has been wrong with my parents and my upbringing. I always thought and was told that I was the problem. Astonishing.
nope! there's nothing wrong with u at all, those narcs need PSYCHIATRIC help but they'll never get it so it's best to let them self implode and stay away!💯💯🎯🗣
I was moody, weird, you know how she gets.
Yes. I was the problem too. I spoke the truth and pointed out the evil.
They tell us stuff like “well that’s in the past” even when it’s a recurring pattern
My ex said that a lot. That was his way of pulling a switcharoo and turning the argument on me when I would call him out on his reoccurring disgusting behavior.
I get this all the time like I’m not suppose to reflect on what has happened and how it has made me feel and where I stand today. “You’re holding a grudge!” But your track record still shows stuff from months ago, today.
When I got back in contact with the man that raised me he said "I'm not going to rehash the past with you" that was the last day I ever spoke to him because it's not my past. The money he took when he left actively was affecting my present and completely derailed my future. I'm STILL living with the consequences of his decisions to this day. That doesn't sound like the past to me.
for real but when they bring up the past it’s normal
I robbed a bank a week ago so that's ok then.
"You're going to make it bad for the rest of us if you keep acting like this!" Translation: keep being the punching bag so we don't have to deal with it and continue pretending nothing's wrong. 😔😔😔
"don't talk to me about anything negative"....glad I got out after 38 years.
So true!!
Wow! I can relate. I was told by someone who is supposed to be close to me “I feel like I’m gonna lose all my friends” (because of me). 🙄
YES!!! OMG, my husband's family says that the sibling *on the **_receiving end_** of the most abuse* is *_causing_* the "trouble in the family!" If it weren't for the abused sister's negativity everything would be GREAT?! Whaaaaat?!
Hello fellow scape goat 👋
"Can't you find it in your heart to forgive your brother?" "If you don't forgive him, how do you expect things to improve?" "If you no longer talk with him, how do you expect him to ever apologize and build a good relationship with you?"... This has been going on for over 45 years.
Ditto but for only about 7 years.
Same, but for 2 years, and my father's the one with narcissistic tendencies.
Same. 30 years 😞
One thing I learnt is that forgiveness isn‘t about enabling the narcissist, but untying the bonds of resentment which keep you under the power of the narcissist and finding peace for yourself so you can get on with your own life. And reconciliation requires both people to work on it, the perpetrator as well as the victim. Be realistic, that‘s not likely to happen with a narcissist.
Someone keeps asking me to talk to my brother. I suspect he is both a narcissist and a enabler.
“He’s just in a bad mood”
“He had a hard childhood”
“Ahh just ignore him”
“ I just don’t let him bother me”
My mom is my Dads enabler. Stuck living with them is taking a toll on my mental health. My disability makes it hard to earn enough money to move out.
Stay strong, be brave to everyone dealing with a narcissist.
Omg, I've heard my dad say literally every one of these (just switch genders) to defend my mom's unacceptable behavior. He doesn't usually act that way, but he allows her to. So frustrating!
Reading this comment makes me
Feel not alone, I dealt with this for so many years til I said no more-
My grandma enabled my dads drug abuse, they’d give him $60 to get medicinal marijuana weekly, so he would “be in a good mood” ,and he would turn around and get meth instead. They paid his bills because “the kids need a place to stay”. When we were middle class. They enabled his life of getting high, and coming into the house from his garage room, and his guilt would make him lash out on me(not my little bro, my dad saw me as his bully and I reminded him of my mom more), he was telling us he was completely sober too, since he promised us a couple years before he was never gonna “party again”. this went on for 10 years. For years I cried to my grandparents, my grandpa would try to help, we were all naive to drug use. my grandma would always just make me feel bad and wrong. somenights I’d sleep at their house (had to literally beg gram) then I’d go back to dads and he would verbally and emotionally abuse me for saying anything to them. Then I’d get told not to say anything because “I didn’t fucking hit you! Stop crying!” They led this facade of how close we were, but we were all only bonded by trauma, media, and gossip. I met a long distance girlfriend at 15, they made me cut off communication with her, and when I turned 19, we reconnected and she moved out to me. She’s my everything, my other half, my best friend, I’m finally able to begin to heal in the past 2 years because of her. It’s probably a miracle I’m able to be happy in a long term relationship cause I for sure didn’t see it in my parents/grandparents. It gets better. It gets better. We are the cycle breakers. ⛓️❤️🔥
@@collieallover I’m so happy to hear you’ve found someone to connect with and things are getting better. It’s tough working through resentment and trauma from family. But it can absolutely be done. I truly believe we hold the power to change our lives completely and achieve things we never imagined we could. Take care of your mental health and practice loving and being kind to yourself💕 I just got into a great university and can finally move out of my parents house! It’s crazy to look back on my comment from 10 months ago- feeling that way all my life- and now everything is finally going to change (My environment at least!) All the hard work in school and on myself is finally paying off. I never thought going to university was possible for me.. invest in yourself and you’ll see your life start to change. I saw school as my ticket out. Anyone can do it just persevere through obstacles no matter how long it’s takes!
Get rid of him like Meghan markle's mother got rid of her Dad.
.
I could've written this comment. I'm in the EXACT situation. I'm having to live with my parents because I'm on disability and can't afford to live on my own. My adult daughter is a nasty covert/vulnerable narcissist, and treats me AWFUL. My parents worship her. It's a very lonely life. Also, my dad has a lot of narcissistic traits. My mom has ALWAYS enabled him. I have always felt like no one is in my corner. Again, a very lonely place.
From my sister:
"We weren't abused."
"They're still your parents."
"They're going to die one day."
"They just want to be in your baby's life and spoil her."
"Your baby is going to end up introverted if you don't have her cry it ot with mom and dad."
"You're going to raise a snowflake."
"You need to forgive them."
Done listening to that bs. Protect your babies people, break the cycle of abuse.
I go through the same thing with my family !
OMG exactly what my aunt said (without the baby part, I dont have children)
Yes! Thank you for saying that. Going through it as well. What a weird comment about your baby ending up introverted..
My sister is laughing when I'm telling her how I was assaulted, verbally and physically.
This is very useful psycholinguistic information, thank you. You are helping a lot of people heal from severe trauma with this list of BS responses that people say to defend heartless fools.
"He had a difficult childhood.", "He loves you so much!", "He's crazy about you that is why he is that way!"... He's crazy alright!
The first sentence hit home.
Omg yeah. ‘It’s love making him behave this way’ he loves me so much to be cheating right
"He had a difficult childhood" makes my skin crawl! Um, he's not the only one who's had one but they're not all toxic!
Boom. Ive heard that...
Mandisi Buthelezi exactly!
Here's some "They aren't perfect./nobody is perfect" "They're only human." "At least they're 'trying'." "You need to let it go./it's in the past." "Just keep the peace." "Be the bigger person." Which all translates to: just shut up and deal with it. Basically don't hold the narc accountable for their actions because it's just too much trouble. Also the "But we're family/friends we should forgive one another." And "yeah but they're still your family/friend." Which is a form of guilt trip to make you stay with the narc.
Those sound very familiar.
🎯
Oh, I heard, "Nobody's perfect. Even you aren't perfect!", "At least your mother is trying", and especially, "It's in the past" too many times to count! I was supposed to repeatedly forgive whatever she did a million times because, whatever it was, it was "in the past" right after she had done it. Also kept getting, "Your mother raised you the best way she knew how." I'm supposed to believe her best effort at motherhood was to beat me into doing her housework.
@@Dawn737Oh I know. It's so invalidating and dehumanizing when people say those things. It's like, yes humans are not perfect but that doesn't mean we should ignore people's wrong doings. We hold people accountable for a reason, so they can learn not to do it again. Some times it works, other times it doesn't.
Dr. Ramani you saved me from going insane, we are so lucky to have your channel and expertise
enabling siblings - two of them
"your being dramatic"
"you're always whining"
"its not that serious"
"just do what she wants, you know the kind of mama you have"
"you act like mama was that bad"
"she had a tough upbringing"
"that's just how she is"
constantly invalidating your experience.
I swear! This is definitely the one!
I have 3 enabling siblings and I don't know how my carrier did it but they will say " she does everybody like this"...
Yep. Mine make a big deal about how she had a "rough" early life. She really didn't. And, she has a bunch of sisters who mostly came out good people and loving mothers. The excuses get really old.
The sort of chronic invalidation you describe causes distress in people. It’s also called gaslighting. A terrible form of psychological abuse. They minimize, trivialize, dismiss, etc.
@@AWRose-kc4si Yes, she had a rough life. What they don't say is how she makes that early experience something that everyone else should go through because she did. No compassion at all. Most mother's don't want their children to suffer as they did, but a narc mother does.
“Stop playing the victim.” “You need to get over it already.”
I heard "stop playing the victim" all the time growing up from the narcissist (stepfather) and, occasionally, from the enabler (mom). It was very painful to hear it from mom 'cause I tried to believe that she was my protector and that she cared which, most of the time, was the role she played.
Yep! This I’ve heard from someone who used to beat me up as a child and became friends with the crazy bitch who slandered me. 😩
Invalidation...that 1 makes me sick
My farther says that and it hovers me for days
Jaya O'M Codependent parent is always the enabler(otherwise they would have broken out already), the opposite of protector. My experience is don’t have expectations on them to understand you and instead focus on yourself and validate you yourself and realize you are the biggest validator and protector for yourself, others are just icing on the cake, if they are good to you fine, they are toxic to you, also fine, I’ll just cut them off
Things I heard growing up in a family of 6 people, 4 of whom where abusive (both parents and 2 siblings).
"Oh, just *ignore* him then. You *know* what he's like!"
"Well I didn't see him do it. All I heard was *you* mouthing off again"
"Oh, for god's sake, just let her have it. It's only a [whatever she'd taken that was mine]"
"It DOESN'T MATTER! Be told!!"
"For god's sake! ANSWER him!" "But you told me to ignore him..." "Just ANSWER him!".
"Nooooo, she didn't. You're just paranoid." said in a derisive tone.
"Oh right. Little miss perfect. And I suppose you didn't say anything to cause it, did you"
"Well, that's your own fault. If you'd done / not done [something] he/she wouldn't have [done whatever]"
"Well don't go near him then"
"It's your own fault. You should stand up for yourself. Go fight your own battles"
"Don't have a go at him. You're older than he is"
...aaaaand take a breath and relax. It's over now and they're out of my life. I have a very strict policy now. Only decent people are allowed in my life. As the saying goes 'water finds its own level' and my stance is, their contaminated filthy puddle has no place near my beautiful, peaceful, blue lake. Cyber hugs to anyone who needs one. I hope we can all find our own blue lake.
Congratulations on leaving them behind! That's inspiring.
When I complained about my narc father to my mother she would not even make excuses for him but straightup say: Well, he isn`t like that with MEEE! That was enough for her. It did not matter how he treated his daughters as long as she was treated differently. Took me a long time to figure out that she is more than just an enabler but a narc herself.
That sounds horrible. Please get TF away from them both if you haven't yet.
I have three sisters and this has been my entire life with my mother. I feel like we were s child so she didn't have to feel his wrath.
“She did the best she could”
“She does so much for you”
“She is your mother. You’ll regret it one day”
“You only have one mum”
“Blood is thicker than water”
“None of us are perfect”
Idk who needs to see this, I pulled it from google thanks to a tiktok:
The actual saying is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”. The meaning of this saying is actually the opposite of the way we use it. The saying actually means that bonds that you've made by choice are more important than the people that you are bound to by the water of the womb.❤️
Yep....ALL of those!!!
Joseph UK “you’ll feel bad if she dies”. I feel bad now
ICKY
Omg I’ve heard all of these
Enablers & flying jackasses are just as worse as the narcissist cause they are always making excuses for how poorly they treat people.
And, typically, in my experience, they have no factual basis upon which to enable. Like, my aunt told me once, "oh, lighten up, stop being so sensitive." I was thinking, "Lady, she's doing her superficial games with you; you have no clue what she's REALLY like. I DO, because I am her daughter, and I live with her."
SO TRUE.
@@lanlin8267 good question. Sometimes, depending on who is doing the enabling. Some people have good intentions and say ignorant things in good faith. Other times, it feels worse, the more distantly the enabler knows the narc. Always taking the narc's side, especially a double adult alliance against a child, it takes away the right to feel your feelings and believe your heart.
@@lanlin8267 How can you communicate with someone who doesn't let you talk, doesn't have time to talk, doesn't want to talk, and someone who lacks basic insight into themselves, and is a cruel person?
Sara Adams My mother and sister would gang up on me.
"Don't think that other relationships are perfect." We cannot compare narcissistic relationship problems with normal/healthy relationship problems.
"But try to resolve this."
Resolution in an abusive relationship happens when the abuser takes full accountability for their actions and fixes their behavior... something that usually does not happen.
Spot on Leila, you hit the nail firmly on the head, nothing gets resolved unless they take full responsibility for their toxic behaviour.
AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF THE TOXIC IMMEDIATE/EXTENDED FAMILY MEMBERS & THEIR ENABLERS THAT I WENT NO CONTACT WITH NEARLY 9 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
told my grandma about my PTSD from my childhood abuse from my father finally, and i said that being raised by him was absolute hell and she STILL says “but your reactions were also bad” which used to make me feel crazy but now it just makes me know she isn’t on my side because my dad used to physically and mentally abuse me as a small child and to blame a person that small for reacting is what made me see her lack of acknowledgment but without the guilt
I was talking to a narc a few days ago and I asked him to help me to understand how it is that he could do so many horrible things to me over a number of years but the one time that I decided to strike back hard, I'm such a horrible person that he doesn't need to be with. Narcissist are very amusing when you can look at them from a place of pure numbness.
This is a big one. I reacted badly after seven years of gasliting and abusive behaviour and now I’m being held accountable for some “hurtful texts”… but what about the seven years of abuse prior to that? 🤔 enablers are the worst.
And, as if reacting to their toxic & twisted treatment somehow excuses or justifies their behavior. Or makes it your fault. Just twisted.
It never pays off to open up to those who made the narc
She’s covering for the abuse she justified when your father was a child. Her guilt is there but deeply buried. And she has no desire to uncover it.
"They've always been nice to me" well yeah because they're getting something out of you!
My friend says this and I always say how long are you around him? You don’t live with him!
I had a narcissistic boss (ironically a clinical psych) who, once they saw how valuable I was as a clinical psych in her practice, was sweet as pie to me - office revamps, Pay rise etc, but I watched her behave cruelly and terribly to other staff time and time again. That many time there were other staff in tears or leaving with anxiety issues was incredible. She still owns a busy practice. With a high turnover. I would have said ‘she’s nice to me’ but I recognised it was because I lined her purse very well enabling her to have large Mercedes cars and leather sofas (which she would talk about at work). I don’t work there anymore obviously!!!
@@catherinebrennan1760 did you ever stand up to her? To make sure she knew her behavior was ugly toward others?
This. Exactly how it works in my situation.
I literally heard someone say that to justify the actions of a pedophile and serial stalker so that they could keep hanging around him. It's disgusting
"I don't like taking sides." As if I'm asking you to be part of some middle school clique fight. I'm escaping an abuser, and I'd like you to at the very least support me.
Nice one
Good one. I recently had someone I thought was my friend say this to me. I felt it was time to cut her off.
Erica wrote: ""I don't like taking sides." Oh, yes - after being encouraged and chastised for staying away from my family of abusers, and then trying to make contact, being attacked again, and telling the "mediator" what happened and "this is why I have stayed away" I am told "they don't want to be in the middle of it." When they encouraged me to put myself in harm's way!
I have just given up completely when it comes to all these abusive enablers. Every last one of them. 40 years I have stayed away and they still attack me whenever they get the chance.
Cousin said this one.
This is my sister😩☹️😁yes she is still sitting on a fence of some sort‼️‼️‼
Some people just told me I deserved the abuse I was receiving or that I was the sole reason for my unhappiness. So I took responsibility of my happiness by pushing them out of my life, and became happier as a result.
That's legendary. You just played an Uno reverse card in them.
‘He must’ve had his reasons!”, said to me by an enabler after my narc had canceled plane tickets without telling me, the night before we were to leave to see my first grandson‘s baptism… I was the only relative not there and I was absolutely heartbroken! This was a breaking point for me in the relationship.
Good for you. I hope everything is still going well with the break, and hope that you are now able to absolutely T H R I V E 👏
My dad would say (about narc brother abusing ex partners) well, it’s makes you think what THEY did to deserve it!’
"They (Narcissistic person) worries about you" is something I have heard a lot from the enabler.
I've gotten that one
Yikes...
This is classic Indian parent
That's what my husband tells me about my sister-in-law!
and also they love you ... What kinda love is that???
They make up excuses or justifications for their behaviour and make you think that you did something to cause their behaviour.
That's very true Dear.
That's a classic physical abuser's line! They made me so angry that I had to hit them & they deserved it!!
Worse yet their enablers thanks to all of the grandiose narcissists lies about their grooming and false advertising 'impressive' skills seek to condemn you.
My enabling sister went as far as to accuse me of being a liar and a bully to her... after she came down punitively and righteously over my being too defensive at times with our 82 yr old Narcissistic mother. I had described the toxic family dynamic as l see it... actually quite gently. I'm still reeling as she was the family member l'd felt most able to be close to. The losses for pointing to truths consciously and unconsciously can be devastatingly costly.
The problem is, they are a key part for the entire dynamic to develop.
With narcissists it's essentially the same as with any form of tyranny: They alone cannot do anything, but with the proper foundation, they become absolutely dangerous and destructive.
- You have the inner core without which nothing would happen (in this case the narcissist).
- You have active supporters who prop the tyrant up (in this case other narcissists).
- You have the opportunists who are attempting to gain some sort of advantage from all this (I'd like to call them malignant enablers: They know exactly what's going on, but instead of doing something about it, they choose to play along for their own self-serving attitudes).
- You have the followers (the classical enablers) aka useful idiots.
- You have the ones who turn a blind eye on what's going on (thereby becoming enablers themselves).
Sadly, for the victims this is an absolute no-win scenario.
His "back story" is the reason I stayed for 43 years!!! Plus the mental health monsters lied and never told me what a narcissist was just fed me 20,000 PILLS & 25+ years of worthless therapy for bipolar depression instead of the TRAUMA I TALKED ABOUT EVERY WEEK!!!
The reason why I enjoy watching your videos is because it makes me feel validated. I can’t tell how often I find myself wanting to hide under a rock because when I often reach out to the enabler for comfort and am always hurt or betrayed, lost. Sometimes I think I myself am evil. What kind of person do you have to be to feel this way. There is no way it’s just you that has a problem. It’s tough. I think I have a lot of toxicity in my family and extended also. Thanks for the comfort.
Thats what toxic people do .. they use everytrick in their book to not answer a question or make you feel responsible for watever they have done wrong .. they prefer to see you doubting your mental health or even take your life than admit they were wrong .. dont fall for it .. If your looking for validation its because your right . Believe me they aint looking for shiit. Be strong my sister ! Were all in the same boat ! We will all get threw this mess !
"She's you mother. You know she loves you!" erm... do i? And why does loving me give her the right to insult and belittle me? It doesn't.
A person who truly loves you would never try to hurt you. It's important for anyone to remember that regardless of whether it's a romantic relationship or a family relationship. Or even a friendship.
the enabler has poor boundaries that makes them speak for the narcissist. as a flying monkey they are programed by the narcissist
And how does abuse demonstrate love anyhow? Really it's no wonder I had no idea what love looked like and have had abusive relationships
"Your mother is just stressed out. You need to be respectful and help her." Ugh.
Not love in my book
"Why are you so focused on the past?"
"you need to focus on your own problems, stop obsessing about what they did to you."
"Why are you so angry?"
"I'm not going to take sides in your anger against her/him."
"Stop trying to fix the other person, you need to fix yourself."
Omg that’s my mom!
Do you know my family? Lol
The last one is so true... Stop trying to fix.....!!!!
so right ✅
My brother about my sister! They have a sick competitive relationship and each try to control the narrative for the other 4 siblings. They use anyone they can. Latest my brother is trying to control my nephew!! Discussing people.
The enablers do it,so they don't need to face their own demons!!!
The narc and enabler are not able to take responsibility for their b.s. They blame me for complaining. They are jerks!
This type of learning should be taught in schools. We need to give people the swords they need to defend themselves from the snakes in the garden.
"It's your mother, there is no way she would do that, she loves you, she means well"
Yes, "She didn't mean to hurt you."
"It's for the greater good, surely. You'll understand one day."
Acetyl Such bullshit!!
I get this one all the time. Then I feel like I’m going nuts!!
“Let it go”
“Get over it”
“Stop living in the past”
“You’re over thinking it”
oh yes
“Stop living in the past” lmao they are such a record
‘Don’t hold grudges’ when to this day the narcissist keeps doing the same things.
Right. About all responses above-Disgusting!
I hate being accused of "over intellectualizing" everything by a man who ONLY analyzes and intellectualizes, and avoids actually FEELING whenever humanly possible. And, apparently, it's humanly possible in virtually every situation one may encounter in life. I especially hate it when what I'm doing is attempting to explain why I feel the way I feel, which I always know is a futile pursuit, and yet, I always feel compelled to do it, anyway. I mean, seriously. I am convinced that the appearance that some people are rational is the universe's biggest practical joke played exclusively on people who actually are rational people. Because, there is a co-occurring hope in the heart of all actually-rational people that seemingly-rational people actually are rational on SOME level, since, I mean, they SEEM rational. So, if the actually-rational people just try hard enough, or explain their feelings in exactly the right way, seemingly-rational people will finally fucking actually hear, understand, and acknowledge that the actually-rational people have a goddamned point, and maaaaaayyyyyyyybe such a revelation will have the (admittedly, extraordinarily unlikely) happy ending of renewed relationships that are based on mutual respect and recognition of each others' feelings, and maybe if the actually-rational people explain their feelings in exactly the right way, the ensuing renewed relationships will include the teeeeensiest amount of empathy for them, and their lifetime of anger and frustration, built into the newly laid foundations of the renewed relationships. Even though all actually-rational people know in their heads that the game is rigged against them, that seemingly-rational people ONLY SEEM rational, they just can't manage to force that knowledge into their hearts to counteract the goddamned hope that always compels them to play the fucking game anyway.
Forgot to mention my all time favorite: Everyone is like that. There is no such thing as normal.
Enablers will often change their narrative when one is pushed back against. It's how you can tell they're accustomed to the mental gymnastics necessary to keep enabling abusers - They see no issue with immediately changing their rationale, even if it contradicts themselves from just a moment prior.
I have seen that, too. The enabler went from protecting the kids to protecting her money.
Something I've heard from too many people who wanted to enable my abuser but stay friends: "I'm not going to take sides."
Ugh yes!! Totally misses the point doesn't it?
My mother uses this line but has already taken a side 🤦🏼♀️
Yes, and such a cowardly thing to say!
Yup. I say, "So you don't have any opinion about whether their behaviour is right or wrong? That's good to know. Thanks for telling me." 😄 Enablers don't like that. Like narcissists, they don't like being held accountable or having a light shine on their immoral complicity.
I've got that one too. 😠
"You just need to learn to not be so sensitive."
"If it was so bad, why didn't you leave sooner? I'm not believing it."
I heard both of those. My stepfather was always telling everyone how overly sensitive I was.
Yup, heard the 1st one quite a lot.
"I'm not believing it" OOF! I keep journals. You can get dizzy with your memory spun by other people trying to tell you things happened a certain way but they didn't. So if I end up doubting an event, my journals have it. I even include what I err on, and try to be as objective as possible, and try to name an identify my emotions when these things are happening. It helps.
i heard same things all time and more" deal with your emotions"
Funny thing is they’re the sensitive one
Great information. My sister is a narcissist. Everyone was afraid to incur her wrath. My ultimate defense mechanism was to leave home at 20 and never return. I am now 77 and she hasn’t changed, but at least I don’t have to deal with it. I feel sorry for my niece who does!
Can you give some examples jfc
I love reading these statements as it helps me to know that I'm not crazy and I'm not alone in the crap that I've had to deal with from family, but I feel sorry for those who've gone through it as I can feel your pain. I've been there too.
Me: ...
Narc: *RAGE!*
Enabler: “You know how they are. Why would you trigger them?”
"You're just being sensitive"
"Well, they're still your family"
"you have to forgive them" (they proceed by trying to convince you that forgiveness requires reconnection and ignorance of the other person's behavior.)
To forgive is to let go of an emotion, that is to stop letting it have power over you. It does not include "forgetting" what they did, or ENABLING them to do it again. Those enablers want you to enable narcissistic abuse against yourself! They must be narcissists also.
Oh, churches are NOTORIOUS for saying all these things word for word, regardless of how severe the abuse and dysfunctions is !! I had to laugh at the sayings quoted here. As another saying goesust say NO
@@fogweaver5633 Hello FogWeaver, yeah I just started to hear about the
enablers and their attitude, they seem to always have an excuse for
the narcissist, and I came up with the thought that they have their own
twisted view of things. Someone actually stood up for the narc after I
told them what happened, I asked them if they were working for the narc.
yeah they got pretty upset about that. F the both of'em. So, at the end of
the day, I say enablers condone the acts of the narcissist, no matter how
twysted and evil.
@@yulyasevelova769 omg yes! The church kept telling my mom to pray for my dad so God would change him. 20 years later and over thousands of prayers, he didn't change. But my mom did leave the relationship.
@Jamie Andrick Forgiveness will work only if you shut the abuser down and cut them out of your life.
"the wiser head gives in" - that's what my grandmother constantly told me as a kid when my narc mother, her daughter, would start fights with me again. which basically means 'accept all the abuse, don't speak out'
Oh, gosh. I hope you're free of them.
"Bless their heart, You need to forgive them, that's how they were raised"
"All breakups are hard." No honey, a narcissist breakup is not like other break ups.
YES! That is the worst!
You truly don't understand this until you go through it, too.
I never experienced something so cruel.
Narc go for the jugular vein with no hesitation beware of these people
He’s a narcissist and I’m codependent. What a dysfunctional relationship; and was in it for so long. The more I tried to move forward in our relationship, the more disrespectful he got. I left for good in February and he had someone waiting in the wings. His family always made the excuse he’s socially awkward, and never communicated with them either and told me they knew he loved me. I’m having a REALLY hard time getting over this relationship; not anything I’ve been through before.
My narc is my mom and I was told many times "she's under a lot of pressure. It will get better."
Or
"She's not that bad you'll understand when you're older"
Or
"All mothers love there children she loves you in her own way"
And the most hurtful one came from another family member.
" People treat you the way to teach them to treat you."
"Your parents are great, they do so much for you and are so kind, you're having a distorted perception because you were adopted and have issues because of that."
"Your parents did and paid for everything for you, you had a happy childhood, ballet lessons, horseriding and holidays, you are ungrateful. They just have a different way of showing love."
#6 totally hits the spot!!!
"You're not perfect either." "It's a woman's lot in life." "A lot of people have it much worse." "You've got a chip on your shoulder." "It's your job to keep the peace." "All men are like that. Get over it." "He's just set in his ways." "He's really a big baby, not the monster you think he is. Don't take it personal."
Been hearing a lot of this bs from anti-blm. Reminds me a lot of the narcissistic abuse growing up.
And people don't understand that the "rioting and looting" is the reactive abuse that the abused is often drove to, which out of context, looks like abuse. Then comes the gaslighting "see, this is what we're really dealing with".
"I was just kidding, stop being so sensitive."
"Forgive"
"Why would he/she do that?"
"I find that hard to believe."
My aunt was like I thought he was a good guy. Even your uncle said he is a good guy. Smh.
My mother raised us hearing ALL-THE-TIME the first two you listed
my narcissist group kept saying this to me. I really thought I was being too sensitive and thought that was one of my strength before. I started not talking to this group and move toward people who loved me and it got better.
My girlfriend said this to me when she "jokingly" told me she didn't love me...
god, the last one really hit
"The Narc doesn't know I'm calling you, but.... I need you to do something for me....." then proceeds to ask you for something that you already told the narcissist NO! And they insist its a really a favor "for them."
"No one is perfect." Wow, way to minimize awful behavior under we are all flawed.
"It could be worse. At least he's not hitting you."
"How can you say something so mean? What's WRONG with you?!?!"
"You're always so Negative. I choose to look at the Bright Side of things."
"EVERYBODY loves xxxxx. There must be something wrong with YOU!"
I've heard everyone of those .omg
Wow you hit the nail in theeeee head! Every sentence. Amazing. It creeped my skin out!!! Heard it anytime I wanted to actually “communicate”. So glad for this information... Years of healing and walking with Jesus- saved my mind...
@@bluewings9 "She's such a wonderful person!!"
The first one is SO frequent!
Exactly
"Why you still talking about things that happened 30 years ago"? "You are victimizing yourself" "You should forgive"
That is what i experience too
Forgiveness is not healthy in the situation of narcissistic abuse. It would mean you belittle the abuse yourself and recognition of your trauma is more important than forgiveness in the case of any kind of abuse. Especially the history and the perverse dynamic of gaslighting makes the victim vulnerable to self guilt that was inflicted upon him or her to begin with. Getting angry is the first step to get out of the abusive situation, that has been interiorated from the start by the very nature of the abuse. People who haven’t seen this side of abuse - the side of the abused - remain part of the cycle of abuse. That’s a seriously lonesome situation. It means the victim has to make a potentially unhealthy choice between loneliness and getting away from the abuse. More often than not the victim has no strength left to bear the loneliness of the victim. There should be more public awareness of this unjust situation. We loose a part of the strongest of our society if we write these victims off. They have proven to be strong and capable of discernment. They are the ones capable of breaking the cycle of abuse.
Another thing bystanders don’t understand is that emotional abuse is more traumatic than sexual and physical abuse, although these are often exerted in combination. Abusers know that. The abused themselves often don’t see it as abuse because they don’t know it exists and what the damage is on the long run. It’s an eternal feeling of not being safe, not being loved, not being worthy.
@@marjet2228 you're correct, forgiveness is only ever acceptable with repentance
Narcs never repent
@@looweegee252 That’s a great way of putting it into words. Thank you for that. There were people who said :’Can’t you make amends? ‘ That’s impossible, the wrong is not on my side. How could I say sorry for something I didn’t do?
@@marjet2228 100% correct
One of my narcissist loves to say”I never had any problems with him/her” because it makes her feel superior.
My narcissistic mother will often tell me how awful her upbringing was, and whenever she’s being horrid to me a part of me feels pity for her about her upbringing. It honestly wasn’t until I watched this video that I realized she’s been doing that to manipulate me and try to excuse her own behavior towards me. I can’t believe I didn’t realize it sooner.
I’m the scapegoat in our family, and the enablers in the family are always trying to convince me that my mother loves me and doesn’t mean to hurt me, and also that I must have done something wrong for her to treat me the way she does. I obviously know this isn’t true.
In my case my father was a psychopath pedo, is was a living hell my house! but my mother saw some things that were very strange like she was the one working , he had consoles under the bed which he play with them every single day in the bathroom,etc and she never did anything! Years later he abused my half sister and I while she was in another country working ( we were 7 me, 10).
She went mad at me because my father abused her daughter
When she found out he abused as well she gave a F about me and even started blaming me for the situation that took place, all the problems like debts, her jobs, that my father was a pedo, her health issues and my half sister health issues were all my fault. I started having health issues as well thanks to the tremendous amount of stress and she basically gave a big F as well.
She went with me a couple times to the the hospital, etc but nothing really happened she saw how her daughter did smear campaigns, lied and destroyed my reputation, etc and she will lie distort minimize and even make passive aggressive comments about that.
The weirdest thing an enabler said to me was that I caused the abuse to myself by having negative thoughts about the abuse. Law of attraction.
That "law of attraction" crap is victim blaming bullshit. Anyone who believes in it is an idiot.
Wtf
Wth 😡
That is DISGUSTING
wow, that sounds like a narcissist too
“And you’re not perfect either!”
Or, You are being such a perfectionist [whatever that is]."
“I pray that the two of you learn how to communicate with each other”.
"It's not what she meant"
"You only have one mum"
And my "favorite": "I was tough with you but look at what you've become" (My abuser calling his violent behavior "being tough" and justifying his behavior, but also appropriating my success while he never did anything with his own life)
"had a tough backstory" doesn't give you the right to make others backstory tough
Irene Dove That was a Priceless comment🤗
Home truth
Truth
What precious wisdom! Thank you, Irene Dove!
“You must forgive him. You know how he is he will never say he’s sorry but you should be the bigger person and forgive him.”
Yeah, f*ck that.
I hate that “bigger person” shit. Been there, tried that; with a communal narcissist, it only becomes a competition of who the “bigger person” is.
Bingo. And fu** that!
@Jeaneane P great point!
That's right. It's on the person who is already the bigger person, to endure the behaviors of the overgrown baby of a revolting little narcissist! YOU have to keep being bigger, bigger, bigger, bigger,.... And on and on endlessly, because this poor little baby with its dreadful childhood, must never endure the stress of assuming responsibility!! 😠 😠
things my dad said to me while enabling my mom:
“if you would have just not said anything she wouldn’t be upset”
“you have to stop letting your emotions take over” -this really meant, stop saying how you feel when she is cruel to you
“she just wants the best for you”
“she has sacrificed so much for you and just wants to feel respected”
“your mom is just your mom and you can only focus on your own wrongs, you cant change other people”
“she has been through so much”
“she just needs to know you care about her”
“she needs you to go give her a hug and kiss and tell her your sorry”
“being the bigger person with your mom will get you more points in heaven!”
“you know shes loves you and didn’t mean that”
“if you are the bigger person she will be more likely to feel bad about what she did eventually so just be the bigger person”-this one was so untrue and i can’t believe i believed it for years
“you think this is bad? you dont even know abuse… the way we were physically abused as children was what real abuse is and you should be grateful you’ve gotten better than that”
That sounds like an awful childhood. I recognized more than a few of those lines from my life.
I'm glad I'm not taking my inheritance. The enabler is the worst. The enabler kept me stuck in the narcissistic family system for years and to make matters worse everyone thinks they are a good person. I cared for my enabler parent and thought I was being a loyal good child. What you said is so true the enabler can either be a co-dependant or a narcissist. I believe God has a better inheritance for me.
The same happened to me now at 28 I finally realized this I can't fkn believe it! She even started watching videos of narcissism and recommended some of them to me due to our relationships with other narcissist people ( a pattern).
Even with that she can't see, perceive deduct that her histrionic narcissist daughter ( diagnosed already) is causing so much harm to me.. there's always an excuse and she even supports her when I confront her daughter and attacks me as well sometimes.
Siblings' rationalization: "There's a lot of people who had it worse than we did".
THAT'S a big one!! As if the abuse you experienced is erased because someone else had it worse than you.
I heard that one too. Until my sister experienced something herself. She was always the golden child. Then my father was teasing her dog in a mean way. She took it very badly.
....there's a lot of kids who had it better than us
This.
It’s amazing how much that one works, but if you pretend that this was something the world actually cared about and imagined what that world would look like you realise how absurd it is to compare your suffering.
“Hello officer, I just orchestrated a series of bombings that killed every resident of a town of 10,000 people”
“That’s ok, Hitler killed about 10 million people. You’re free to go”
"Nobody's perfect." "They're not a bad person, they just do bad things sometimes." "Stop holding grudges."
Omg yes. When you put up strong boundaries they try to tell you that you hold grudges. Smdh lol
Stop holding grudges... Pfff!
OMG....I’m so glad I found this video. Finally someone who totally understands and can explain exactly how I’ve been feeling, there was me thinking I’m losing my mind and going crazy cos no one understands anything I’m saying but I’ve come to realise I’m explaining things to all the enablers of a narcissistic father-in-law.
Thank you so much for making me feel like I’m not going crazy and for in-powering me and helping me get my sense of reality back.
This TH-cam family helps us maintain our sanity, thank God!
I tried to talk to a counselor telling her I was afraid of someone. She laughed at me being dismissive! I was seeking help! I was later physically attacked.
Laughter, that has to be the most painful of any of these examples. Even worse coming from a counselor when you are saying you are in fear. I am so sorry 😣
@@happ-hobby thankyou. Yes she was horrible!💔
Sorry to hear that, I pray you are in a safer place now
Enablers will say "Why did you stay with him so long if it was that bad." "Why didn't you report the abuses if it was that bad." 😥😰
It's the victimización secundaria in spanish I think. Sorry for your experience.
Oh, this one hits home with me, and I could write a book in response. Since you wrote this one down, I reckon you could, too. Short version - in the US, unless you have broken bones to show (and maybe not even then), it is extremely difficult to find support for leaving, and law enforcement is often unhelpful, or even actively harmful.
That's not enabling, I think? They are urging you to run away?
Or more inconceivable and illogical yet if you did leave him early on enough without according to them scientific proof that he [or she] was in truth only a covert slave trader, "Why are you like this by being so stupid instead of being able to just enjoy life during such a good opportunity like agreeing to marry someone rich who is 10, 20 or 30 years older than you?" "You deserved all of it because you were only often swimming too much or getting distracted too much"; "During a lecture for them all only when saying that he was only doing normal rough house play with his son and/or nephews and that was his right as a father"; "You weren't giving him enough sex and so that is why he was misbehaving with his children and why he got rough during sex after having to wait" "Most parents make that same mistake"; Or more incredulous yet, "You had the right to have custody of your own biological children as mother [or father] all along but you just didn't ever exercise your parental rights [because you are a dead beat]". The sad truth is that the only reason there is more men right now who act narcissistic is the simple reason that -- They can.
@@cuekinaja Yes definitely
After pouring your heart out and describing the immense hurt a narcissist has caused in your life it is like a gut punch to hear the enabler say : "OH but she/he means well,"
Instant and complete invalidation of your experience of pain.
Thank you for saying it so clearly. HURT Yes a punch in the gut. This just happened when the NP raged at me abusively and then the enabler who taught the NP (NP nature & nuture bootcamp) "They don't know better" - which is true; they live in the skin and habit of narcissism because everyone fears their anger, emotional abusive words and then the rejection. On one hand it hurts, on the other it gives me the reason to stop trying ... grey rock time.
Even if you're an outsider and the narcisists partner is the enabler saying "they mean it well" it sucks as a friend to see them getting treated like crap and them then defending the narcisist themselves.
Having your own pain feel invalidated must be so much worse for you though.
Oh this really hits me hahahah my so called friend did exactly this to me
Keeping the family together and a Kind of genuinity (i could not even immagine that he really meant It) and thinking I could take the suffering away of my daughters made me be an enabler. And thinking about it, i had this role already in my family of Origin. The way my sister was judged for her way of beeing (femail, intuitive " not logical"....), I had to learn from her lateron.
Or getting told to move out of the house
My mom would always say " That's just how he is. He loves you. He doesn't mean it. He's having a bad day. He's in one of his moods today. That's just how he was raised. Dad had a very hard chilhood when he was growing up.
I've heard, "People won't change unless they want to. So, it's pointless to try to change them."
Also, "...may as well accept it, youre not perfect either..."
One that I hear is “You’re living in the past”.
Yes, you are supposed to give a fresh start times infinty.
Oh yes, because mental scars definitely aren't caused by what happened in the past. Imagine if you slap them, they ask "What was that for?" and you say "Get over it, you're living in the past!".
Yea the past to them is 20 minutes ago.
You know a parent is toxic when they say stuff like "I only traumatized you half as much as my parents did. You should be more grateful."
Wow!
My moms favorite line is “you should be grateful I didn’t abort you”.
my parents always acted like I should be grateful just because they moved us to a safer country, but then traumatized me anyway... yeesh
If that wasn't so wrong it would be rediculousy tummy
My heart breaks for what my guardians went through, but that doesn't mean I deserved to go through unjust treatment, myself. I'm glad, for their sakes, that they improved, but I took the improvement further by getting away. Isn't that what subsequent generations are supposed to do--improve on the improvements?
I don't know if anyone will ever read this but if someone does: I hope that you can heal, regain the happiness that was stolen from you, and live a narcissist free life (If that's even possible). Sending lots of love and healing!
Years of abuse my friends. Years of abuse has taught me nothing but these wonderful lines... I know them by heart now and sigh deeply whenever I hear one of them.
-There's two sides to a story.
-You probably did something to upset her.
-You did something wrong (that's why)
-Don't be angry, she had a difficult marriage.
-She's just like that.
-You're too sensitive.
-She didn't mean it like that.
-You misunderstood her.
-You didn't hear her correctly.
-Attention seeker.
-You're making this up.
-Stop lying.
-It probably just came out wrong.
-You're such a bitch.
-Just get over it.
-It's not even that important.
-You can't take a joke.
-You are so weak/ such a loser.
-She took care of you.
-You are so poisonous. (In my language this is like swearing at someone)
-You just love picking fights.
-She did/said nothing wrong.
-Just forgive her.
-Life sucks, now shut up about it.
-That's just life.
-You just can't get along with people.
-There's something wrong with you.
-Why can't we all just get along?
-We're actually such a close family. (No ^^; I'm not sure this person knows what a healthy family is)
This is gold. I had them ALL.
"-You are so poisonous. (In my language this is like swearing at someone)" In english (my language) this is an accusation that is orders of magnitude more severe than any swear word.
Thanks. Here are some lines I learned:
- "He's not perfect." No sh*t, Sherlock.
- "You're looking into it too much." So, it really did happen.
- "It's called parenting." Please excuse me if I suddenly become child-free.
👍🏽
"She's just immature, that's all." From my narcissistic mother about my malignant narc sister when my mom tried to get me to talk to my sister and I told her I wouldn't because she's toxic. My mother was trying to triangulate us yet again.
Lisa Johnson,You deserves better
My mother is in that train now, n I'm JUST FIGURING THIS OUT AT 50, After the most dangerous lies!!! Thank God for these videos, 🙏 they have been a big help, I'm on my way to boundaries 🙏
🎯
YOU’RE TOO SENSITIVE.
That’s a big one
Ughhhhhh heard this all my life...
Unfortunately, they don’t know how to handle sensitive people.
Alice M ....yes, and it’s because they are hyper-sensitive but only about the self, not to be confused with self-aware, and willfully oblivious about the feelings of others, because it up-stages their perpetual, incessant performance.
Yeah, it is in your genes that you develloped depression. Your mother is not responsible for it. Your father (whom I saw only 4 days a month) is the reason!
They will say:
"you are so ungrateful"
"you don't appreciate anything"
"you should forgive them"
SO TRUE!!!!
"They did so much for you" - What have they done (in the last 10 years), except fulfilling their duty?
It's triangulation, an annoying form of enabling the spoiled brat narcissist, it's defamation of our character and character assassination, it's an attempt to make the narcissist look innocent, like they can do no wrong even though it purposely assassinates everything about you
Another example here: a narcissist does something bad to you, and their enabler targets whomever seems to be in support of you, and then says to them: "Yeah okay but [your name] has to take their responsibility in this". No matter how crazy it is, and even if you weren't a cause of whatever bad happened in the slightest - the narcissist behaves badly and the enabler just shifts the blame over to you as though it's the most natural thing in the world to do.
“There are two sides to every story.”
“Well, you HAVE to admit that you have a part to play in this. It’s not all his fault.”
“I don’t believe in cutting people out, it’s never good to burn a bridge”
Oh I've heard that one before!
It's funny how familiar 'those sayings' are when you are young.
'I used to be young once...'
You get wiser at the world and come to know them as excuses.
How many people are making 'excuses, excuses'?
Reason to gaslight, minimize and subjectively torture their subjects into their impressions as the whole world of understanding, profoundly. Grandiose from a life that has already past them (possibly as enablers). Just getting along and just getting by in society.
Not Dr Ramani however...
You must have met my ex sister in law. She is a psychiatric nurse so does a good line in patronising. Very notably, she dominates her younger husband. If he does something good like put some shelves up for the first time and another person compliments him on it, she is quick to put it down and criticize. Its a like a reflex.
-- While sending you a photograph of them while age 16 before you met him walking on a bridge for added impact.
I will not only burn that bridge....I will blow it up and walk away from the explosion like Dwayne Johnson. Zero f**ks given.