How about this one? "The scriptures have advice for everything. Do what u have to in order to keep peace." What they fail to recognize is the scriptures call out the behavior of a narc in many places.
"Hes your father you have to respect him think about all those kids who don't have a father be grateful for what you have". It's hard to make people understand.
"He's your father and sacrificed for you. He had nothing when he was your age. Look at you, you've never missed meal, have you, Mr. College graduate with new car!!!"
Yes!! But it’s true that there are two sides. When the narc is in control of the story it is dangerous to not ask for the other side. I guess narcs are dangerous either way. Best to just document and have proof.
YES. I just posted this exact phrase an hour ago on Dr. Ramani's video about how to point out a narcissist to other people because the one time I finally opened up to a mutual friend about the abuse my child and I had been suffering for 15 years, this is exactly what she said to me. On the surface, it seems like the person is just being sensible and objective, but it's actually very dismissive in a way that it implies that your abuse is not reality - that it's just a perception, while at the same time implying that all of the lies the narcissist in your life tells about you are just as "valid" and true as your experience. When you're already already having your reality questioned on a daily basis through gaslighting, it's so detrimental.
Enablers will say that they don't want to pick sides so keep them out of it by not talking to them about your perspective. It shuts down and ices out the person who is suffering.
Exactly, keep these people away, they are listening to all the gossip and pretending they are not taking part. That makes thdm aldo a narcissist eho just wants to keep their image. I don’t even say “please don’t speak to me anymore”, I just make it very clear I don’t want them to even speak to me. They can’t have any option to even try.
I blew off your videos for a long time. I'm 64 years old. Sick of young pretty chicks telling me how to re-see what I KNOW has happened. Seeing your white hair roots Told me you have the years to have earned wisdom. Wear your years PROUD! You EARNED every one of those white hairs. It wasn't until I saw them that I was even willing to hear what you had to say. You have so much WISE info to say. Thanks for not dying your roots, so I got too hear the wisdom you have that I can now apply to my life.🔚
I'm an attorney who does divorce work. One way to deal with the enablers is to ask them "why do you think it's in my best interest to do what you're suggesting?" This questions reveals that what they're telling you to do is not in your best interest at all. I've had my own personal experience with flying monkeys, and this question has worked every time.
My ex said that a lot. That was his way of pulling a switcharoo and turning the argument on me when I would call him out on his reoccurring disgusting behavior.
I get this all the time like I’m not suppose to reflect on what has happened and how it has made me feel and where I stand today. “You’re holding a grudge!” But your track record still shows stuff from months ago, today.
When I got back in contact with the man that raised me he said "I'm not going to rehash the past with you" that was the last day I ever spoke to him because it's not my past. The money he took when he left actively was affecting my present and completely derailed my future. I'm STILL living with the consequences of his decisions to this day. That doesn't sound like the past to me.
My father and my sister are narcissists. My mom is a big time enabler. When I confronted them, she said, "we fed you we raised you, did we sell you as a child?" She thinks I have to be grateful because they didn't commit humantrafficking...
That’s an upgrade. “I’m sorry” is something I just never heard. It’s impossible to reason with a narc because the narc needs to make sure you won’t be heard. It’s important for the narc not to listen to what you have to say.
It's annoying when you tell an enabler a cruel thing that the narcissist did to you, and the enabler gets mad at you for "talking bad about" the narcissist. Because they don't like hearing that the narcissist isn't how they want him to be.
I once told my mom ‘ he’s a narcissist ‘, because she was always complaining about him. She replied: ‘Yes’. That was the last conversation I had with her on the phone. After that it’s the occasional text message a few times a year. I’m sure he’s forbidden her to talk to me anymore. She takes it literally.
Marjet22 Nothing but love and compassion for you! I totally F***ing get it. Unfortunately for me, my mother had a stroke last week and I now know for sure that we will never have any reconciliation (she is alive but incapable of communicating in any meaningful way). Her final betrayal was making sure I was kicked out of my home while giving my abuser money to take my children (Whom were not being abused and have grown on to be the joy of my life!) I continued to text my abusive mom for years after out of respect because my father was never there for me but my mother ,at least, tried (she was an epic failure, but she tried) I will be praying for healing in your relationship. Hopefully it will go better than mine. Ultimately, in my journey, I’ve realized that it’s OK to love someone and understand that they will never be the Parent that you wanted or needed. And very cathartic to be able to accomplish things your parents didn’t! Nothing but love for you on this side❤️🙏✝️
Martina van Campen-Wierda I would just like to start off by saying “Well done!!! So uplifting! Your reply gave me such joy this morning I was told , not 30 mins ago that my 6 figure inheritance would be going to her and her latest husband’s medical care Not gunna lie 🤷♀️ (Cuz, you know, I would love to be Pius and say “It was nothing ,But in reality I was super pissed about the money) Money is a beautiful thing when it is accompanied with satisfaction In my personal experience : SUCCESS IS NOT A DESTINATION! It is just a few moment for most us Just as brief as a cup of coffee with a friend IMHO We were never created to be satisfied Rich or poor you have to feed yourself three times a day(ish) Which means we all have vulnerability in common Steve Jobs had “All The Kings Horses and All The Kings men” yet he was unable to turn his successes (influence, money, and power) into immortality I have truly enjoyed my successes But I have discovered that crying with someone who is suffering, giving a quarter to someone who is down on their luck, or just being patient with someone who is TRULY pissing you off, are the meaningful successes that most of us forget Life’s “success” aren’t really the “Rock Star” moments that we dream of (I have had those too ! Those moments are Awesome!!) But the less exciting and more meaningful relationships are what life is about for me personally Sorry not sorry 🤷♀️ (6 f-ing figures well f-ing lost) “Is it not better to eat a bowl of vegetables with a friend, than to eat steak with who seeks to injure?” Answer: YES!!! I love steak , but I am truly grateful and satisfied with vegetables When it involves true connection with flawed people who with big hearts❤️ That is truly MAKING love Is it weird to feel guilty about being free?
The main thing I hear is that we are all told "you're too sensitive". No we are not. I cut my narcissist and enablers off years ago, life is hard but it gets better. Look after yourself everyone. X
As if there is a sane way to respond to their INSANITY I’m told I’m raising my kid to be a (fill in the blank over thinker, sensitive, bitch, looser etc) just like me
@@Memomommy maybe try something like this “I am hurting due to this consistent behaviour (whatever it is) being levelled at me when I have asked for it to stop. The other person is being “insensitive” by not listening and changing.” OR “STOP saying that. You know that is not true.” Remember it is NOT true. You are hurting, you are not “too sensitive”. This is only for enablers. Narcs who say this get nothing, not even a crestfallen face. All the best.
@@helenhighwater5313 at least those ppl acknowledge the guy was odd. Others act like that because the killer never killed them, “he was the nicest guy ever.”
@@Autumn_Forest_ So true, and senseless. How in the world can a person reconcile the two opposing things in their minds? It just shows how self centered humans can be...judging solely on how the person seems to treat them and not looking at the whole picture. It seems some people can't admit that they themselves are subject to deception. God help us all.
“She did the best she could” “She does so much for you” “She is your mother. You’ll regret it one day” “You only have one mum” “Blood is thicker than water” “None of us are perfect”
Idk who needs to see this, I pulled it from google thanks to a tiktok: The actual saying is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”. The meaning of this saying is actually the opposite of the way we use it. The saying actually means that bonds that you've made by choice are more important than the people that you are bound to by the water of the womb.❤️
"just think how much stronger that made you", which is BS. The abuse didn't make me strong. It made me insecure, it made feel worthless, it made me devalue myself.
I think in the long term my narcissist abuse made me stronger. It certainly made me wiser and more able to read the signs and not be a doormat in the relationship. But everyone is different and if I could go back in time and NOT have that horrible experience, I would. And the whole "it made you stronger" thing is NO justification for abuse.
@@AlyssaTaylor9 I agree with that. Now that I've been involved in therapy and have worked through my trauma and I actually am happy and experience joy in my life I do feel very strong. I just think it's so sad to put someone, especially a child, through that kind of a journey, and I've definitely made my worst decisions as a result of the abuse I suffered from my father. I'm grateful everyday that I decided I wanted a better life for myself and sought therapy. It saved my life.
As much as I hate to say it and mourn the childhood I could have had, I wouldn't change what has happened to me, because it has instilled in me a desire to be a mentor and safe haven for children with emotionally turbulent households, and I'm proud of the fact that I retained my gentleness, despite how easy it is to stay bitter. The "tough love" didn't make me stronger, it just made me timid and resentful. And my mother claims she was trying to make me tougher because she didn't want me to grow up like she did. Yeah, right! She was just taking her anger out on whatever was convenient at the time.
exactly! like when King Charles the narcissist enabler tells his two sons not to make his last years miserable, as if it were William and Harry causing all the trouble! It is all Harry and William is doing everything right.
14:35 yeah i just heard that one recently "dont get along' really wonder why after idiot bulldozed my access then she so stupid she fenced off council land and mine. Hah! We dont get along cause i stood my ground. As Narcs are dishonest manipulative seems they are believable. The victim is the liar does my head in!
I had a narcissistic boss (ironically a clinical psych) who, once they saw how valuable I was as a clinical psych in her practice, was sweet as pie to me - office revamps, Pay rise etc, but I watched her behave cruelly and terribly to other staff time and time again. That many time there were other staff in tears or leaving with anxiety issues was incredible. She still owns a busy practice. With a high turnover. I would have said ‘she’s nice to me’ but I recognised it was because I lined her purse very well enabling her to have large Mercedes cars and leather sofas (which she would talk about at work). I don’t work there anymore obviously!!!
I literally heard someone say that to justify the actions of a pedophile and serial stalker so that they could keep hanging around him. It's disgusting
From my sister: "We weren't abused." "They're still your parents." "They're going to die one day." "They just want to be in your baby's life and spoil her." "Your baby is going to end up introverted if you don't have her cry it ot with mom and dad." "You're going to raise a snowflake." "You need to forgive them." Done listening to that bs. Protect your babies people, break the cycle of abuse.
This is very useful psycholinguistic information, thank you. You are helping a lot of people heal from severe trauma with this list of BS responses that people say to defend heartless fools.
He’s a narcissist and I’m codependent. What a dysfunctional relationship; and was in it for so long. The more I tried to move forward in our relationship, the more disrespectful he got. I left for good in February and he had someone waiting in the wings. His family always made the excuse he’s socially awkward, and never communicated with them either and told me they knew he loved me. I’m having a REALLY hard time getting over this relationship; not anything I’ve been through before.
Bingo. Fortunately, that's more my abusive mother saying that than her enabler husband, but Dad kept claiming my mother "did the best that she knew to do at the time".
I blocked my mom from my life, and everyone is telling me how in pain she is. No she isn't. She just doesn't like the optics of appearing like a bad mom whose eldest child wont talk to her. For real reasons.
I just did the same thing and when I tell anyone she is just upset at how people will see her now and she is not upset because I am not around, everyone reacts like I am just being mean and unwilling to forgive I've been forgiving for 44 years now, I think that's enough. I hope you manage to stick to ur guns! Good luck!
"I don't like taking sides." As if I'm asking you to be part of some middle school clique fight. I'm escaping an abuser, and I'd like you to at the very least support me.
Erica wrote: ""I don't like taking sides." Oh, yes - after being encouraged and chastised for staying away from my family of abusers, and then trying to make contact, being attacked again, and telling the "mediator" what happened and "this is why I have stayed away" I am told "they don't want to be in the middle of it." When they encouraged me to put myself in harm's way! I have just given up completely when it comes to all these abusive enablers. Every last one of them. 40 years I have stayed away and they still attack me whenever they get the chance.
Worse yet their enablers thanks to all of the grandiose narcissists lies about their grooming and false advertising 'impressive' skills seek to condemn you.
My enabling sister went as far as to accuse me of being a liar and a bully to her... after she came down punitively and righteously over my being too defensive at times with our 82 yr old Narcissistic mother. I had described the toxic family dynamic as l see it... actually quite gently. I'm still reeling as she was the family member l'd felt most able to be close to. The losses for pointing to truths consciously and unconsciously can be devastatingly costly.
The problem is, they are a key part for the entire dynamic to develop. With narcissists it's essentially the same as with any form of tyranny: They alone cannot do anything, but with the proper foundation, they become absolutely dangerous and destructive. - You have the inner core without which nothing would happen (in this case the narcissist). - You have active supporters who prop the tyrant up (in this case other narcissists). - You have the opportunists who are attempting to gain some sort of advantage from all this (I'd like to call them malignant enablers: They know exactly what's going on, but instead of doing something about it, they choose to play along for their own self-serving attitudes). - You have the followers (the classical enablers) aka useful idiots. - You have the ones who turn a blind eye on what's going on (thereby becoming enablers themselves). Sadly, for the victims this is an absolute no-win scenario.
Six Things Narcissist Enablers say: 1.The Narcissist had a tough backstory 2:56 2. The Narcissist didn't mean it 5:01 3. I never had a problem with the Narcissist 6:12 4. It will get better--just be patient 7:38 5. It's not that bad (minimization aka gaslighting) 9:13 6. Stop complaining, the Narcissist takes care of your material needs 10:37
My enabling step-father after I confronted my murderous mother: "You should just get over it. Just look at Corrie ten Boom and Elizabeth Smart: they forgave..."
"You're going to make it bad for the rest of us if you keep acting like this!" Translation: keep being the punching bag so we don't have to deal with it and continue pretending nothing's wrong. 😔😔😔
YES!!! OMG, my husband's family says that the sibling *on the **_receiving end_** of the most abuse* is *_causing_* the "trouble in the family!" If it weren't for the abused sister's negativity everything would be GREAT?! Whaaaaat?!
I get fold this with financial stuff. "She paid for food during college she helped pay rent" like yes she did and I was grateful but she used it to control me and make me feel little af.
I heard "stop playing the victim" all the time growing up from the narcissist (stepfather) and, occasionally, from the enabler (mom). It was very painful to hear it from mom 'cause I tried to believe that she was my protector and that she cared which, most of the time, was the role she played.
Jaya O'M Codependent parent is always the enabler(otherwise they would have broken out already), the opposite of protector. My experience is don’t have expectations on them to understand you and instead focus on yourself and validate you yourself and realize you are the biggest validator and protector for yourself, others are just icing on the cake, if they are good to you fine, they are toxic to you, also fine, I’ll just cut them off
After pouring your heart out and describing the immense hurt a narcissist has caused in your life it is like a gut punch to hear the enabler say : "OH but she/he means well," Instant and complete invalidation of your experience of pain.
Thank you for saying it so clearly. HURT Yes a punch in the gut. This just happened when the NP raged at me abusively and then the enabler who taught the NP (NP nature & nuture bootcamp) "They don't know better" - which is true; they live in the skin and habit of narcissism because everyone fears their anger, emotional abusive words and then the rejection. On one hand it hurts, on the other it gives me the reason to stop trying ... grey rock time.
Even if you're an outsider and the narcisists partner is the enabler saying "they mean it well" it sucks as a friend to see them getting treated like crap and them then defending the narcisist themselves. Having your own pain feel invalidated must be so much worse for you though.
Keeping the family together and a Kind of genuinity (i could not even immagine that he really meant It) and thinking I could take the suffering away of my daughters made me be an enabler. And thinking about it, i had this role already in my family of Origin. The way my sister was judged for her way of beeing (femail, intuitive " not logical"....), I had to learn from her lateron.
"Why are you so focused on the past?" "you need to focus on your own problems, stop obsessing about what they did to you." "Why are you so angry?" "I'm not going to take sides in your anger against her/him." "Stop trying to fix the other person, you need to fix yourself."
My brother about my sister! They have a sick competitive relationship and each try to control the narrative for the other 4 siblings. They use anyone they can. Latest my brother is trying to control my nephew!! Discussing people.
"Can't you find it in your heart to forgive your brother?" "If you don't forgive him, how do you expect things to improve?" "If you no longer talk with him, how do you expect him to ever apologize and build a good relationship with you?"... This has been going on for over 45 years.
One thing I learnt is that forgiveness isn‘t about enabling the narcissist, but untying the bonds of resentment which keep you under the power of the narcissist and finding peace for yourself so you can get on with your own life. And reconciliation requires both people to work on it, the perpetrator as well as the victim. Be realistic, that‘s not likely to happen with a narcissist.
Alice M ....yes, and it’s because they are hyper-sensitive but only about the self, not to be confused with self-aware, and willfully oblivious about the feelings of others, because it up-stages their perpetual, incessant performance.
Yeah, it is in your genes that you develloped depression. Your mother is not responsible for it. Your father (whom I saw only 4 days a month) is the reason!
“There are two sides to every story.” “Well, you HAVE to admit that you have a part to play in this. It’s not all his fault.” “I don’t believe in cutting people out, it’s never good to burn a bridge”
It's funny how familiar 'those sayings' are when you are young. 'I used to be young once...' You get wiser at the world and come to know them as excuses. How many people are making 'excuses, excuses'? Reason to gaslight, minimize and subjectively torture their subjects into their impressions as the whole world of understanding, profoundly. Grandiose from a life that has already past them (possibly as enablers). Just getting along and just getting by in society. Not Dr Ramani however...
You must have met my ex sister in law. She is a psychiatric nurse so does a good line in patronising. Very notably, she dominates her younger husband. If he does something good like put some shelves up for the first time and another person compliments him on it, she is quick to put it down and criticize. Its a like a reflex.
my narcissist group kept saying this to me. I really thought I was being too sensitive and thought that was one of my strength before. I started not talking to this group and move toward people who loved me and it got better.
"It could be worse. At least he's not hitting you." "How can you say something so mean? What's WRONG with you?!?!" "You're always so Negative. I choose to look at the Bright Side of things." "EVERYBODY loves xxxxx. There must be something wrong with YOU!"
Wow you hit the nail in theeeee head! Every sentence. Amazing. It creeped my skin out!!! Heard it anytime I wanted to actually “communicate”. So glad for this information... Years of healing and walking with Jesus- saved my mind...
I hate being accused of "over intellectualizing" everything by a man who ONLY analyzes and intellectualizes, and avoids actually FEELING whenever humanly possible. And, apparently, it's humanly possible in virtually every situation one may encounter in life. I especially hate it when what I'm doing is attempting to explain why I feel the way I feel, which I always know is a futile pursuit, and yet, I always feel compelled to do it, anyway. I mean, seriously. I am convinced that the appearance that some people are rational is the universe's biggest practical joke played exclusively on people who actually are rational people. Because, there is a co-occurring hope in the heart of all actually-rational people that seemingly-rational people actually are rational on SOME level, since, I mean, they SEEM rational. So, if the actually-rational people just try hard enough, or explain their feelings in exactly the right way, seemingly-rational people will finally fucking actually hear, understand, and acknowledge that the actually-rational people have a goddamned point, and maaaaaayyyyyyyybe such a revelation will have the (admittedly, extraordinarily unlikely) happy ending of renewed relationships that are based on mutual respect and recognition of each others' feelings, and maybe if the actually-rational people explain their feelings in exactly the right way, the ensuing renewed relationships will include the teeeeensiest amount of empathy for them, and their lifetime of anger and frustration, built into the newly laid foundations of the renewed relationships. Even though all actually-rational people know in their heads that the game is rigged against them, that seemingly-rational people ONLY SEEM rational, they just can't manage to force that knowledge into their hearts to counteract the goddamned hope that always compels them to play the fucking game anyway.
When I complained about my narc father to my mother she would not even make excuses for him but straightup say: Well, he isn`t like that with MEEE! That was enough for her. It did not matter how he treated his daughters as long as she was treated differently. Took me a long time to figure out that she is more than just an enabler but a narc herself.
I heard that one too. Until my sister experienced something herself. She was always the golden child. Then my father was teasing her dog in a mean way. She took it very badly.
It’s amazing how much that one works, but if you pretend that this was something the world actually cared about and imagined what that world would look like you realise how absurd it is to compare your suffering. “Hello officer, I just orchestrated a series of bombings that killed every resident of a town of 10,000 people” “That’s ok, Hitler killed about 10 million people. You’re free to go”
'She is still your mom.' 'You should respect your mom.' 'You should forgive her because she is your mom.' 'It's not that bad.' 'She has always been like this. In the past you were able to get along.' (when I was not setting boundaries, that is) 'That doesn't sound like something your mom would do or say.'
I had friends that would say that to me. I also used to feel so much guilt; as a child, I spent so many years feeling that I must have done something, but never knowing what. Many years later, as an adult, my pastor's sermon was about respecting your parents. He said that the best way to show this respect is by being a good person. That sermon lifted a lot of guilt off of my shoulders!
People need to stop sainting mothers. All sorts of women get pregnant. Including those who should never be allowed near a child. Having given birth may be an ordeal but it dosen't make someone a saint.
And, typically, in my experience, they have no factual basis upon which to enable. Like, my aunt told me once, "oh, lighten up, stop being so sensitive." I was thinking, "Lady, she's doing her superficial games with you; you have no clue what she's REALLY like. I DO, because I am her daughter, and I live with her."
@@lanlin8267 good question. Sometimes, depending on who is doing the enabling. Some people have good intentions and say ignorant things in good faith. Other times, it feels worse, the more distantly the enabler knows the narc. Always taking the narc's side, especially a double adult alliance against a child, it takes away the right to feel your feelings and believe your heart.
@@lanlin8267 How can you communicate with someone who doesn't let you talk, doesn't have time to talk, doesn't want to talk, and someone who lacks basic insight into themselves, and is a cruel person?
told my grandma about my PTSD from my childhood abuse from my father finally, and i said that being raised by him was absolute hell and she STILL says “but your reactions were also bad” which used to make me feel crazy but now it just makes me know she isn’t on my side because my dad used to physically and mentally abuse me as a small child and to blame a person that small for reacting is what made me see her lack of acknowledgment but without the guilt
I was talking to a narc a few days ago and I asked him to help me to understand how it is that he could do so many horrible things to me over a number of years but the one time that I decided to strike back hard, I'm such a horrible person that he doesn't need to be with. Narcissist are very amusing when you can look at them from a place of pure numbness.
This is a big one. I reacted badly after seven years of gasliting and abusive behaviour and now I’m being held accountable for some “hurtful texts”… but what about the seven years of abuse prior to that? 🤔 enablers are the worst.
Yeah. My dad, mom and one sister are all narcissist. Sister has a yes friend who lives out of state. Mom has a yes friend who lives out of state. And dad has not ever had any male buddies that I can recall. Except for the one year when we were little and another young dad down the road would stop by for some quick fellow young man chat. But we moved and he never got another buddy. My dad prefers being the only man in his daily life. But he does like yes women.
@@ladyserpentine9377 I could never form a relationship with those in my husband's family or speak honestly with any of them about how my husband's mother treated me because they were all too busy catering to my husband's mother. No one was the least bit interested in me except for criticizing me for not measuring up to the mother's expectations and resenting me for her temper tantrums. I had to set boundaries, lower my expectations for any kind of real relationships, and limit my time spent with them. It's also very stressful on the marriage and required some counseling so that my husband could understand the dynamics of how we were being scapegoated. Then when she died their entire family fell apart and were fighting with each other.
enabling siblings - two of them "your being dramatic" "you're always whining" "its not that serious" "just do what she wants, you know the kind of mama you have" "you act like mama was that bad" "she had a tough upbringing" "that's just how she is" constantly invalidating your experience.
Yep. Mine make a big deal about how she had a "rough" early life. She really didn't. And, she has a bunch of sisters who mostly came out good people and loving mothers. The excuses get really old.
The sort of chronic invalidation you describe causes distress in people. It’s also called gaslighting. A terrible form of psychological abuse. They minimize, trivialize, dismiss, etc.
@@AWRose-kc4si Yes, she had a rough life. What they don't say is how she makes that early experience something that everyone else should go through because she did. No compassion at all. Most mother's don't want their children to suffer as they did, but a narc mother does.
This is why, come Mother's Day or Father's Day, I always try to arrange to attend mass in a foreign language church (or, during the pandemic, an online church in a country that doesn't have the same Mother's Day or Father's Day) because the sermons about how wonderful parents are fills my heart with anger and resentment at the contrast with reality.
"Don't think that other relationships are perfect." We cannot compare narcissistic relationship problems with normal/healthy relationship problems. "But try to resolve this." Resolution in an abusive relationship happens when the abuser takes full accountability for their actions and fixes their behavior... something that usually does not happen.
AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF THE TOXIC IMMEDIATE/EXTENDED FAMILY MEMBERS & THEIR ENABLERS THAT I WENT NO CONTACT WITH NEARLY 9 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"You're just being sensitive" "Well, they're still your family" "you have to forgive them" (they proceed by trying to convince you that forgiveness requires reconnection and ignorance of the other person's behavior.)
To forgive is to let go of an emotion, that is to stop letting it have power over you. It does not include "forgetting" what they did, or ENABLING them to do it again. Those enablers want you to enable narcissistic abuse against yourself! They must be narcissists also.
Oh, churches are NOTORIOUS for saying all these things word for word, regardless of how severe the abuse and dysfunctions is !! I had to laugh at the sayings quoted here. As another saying goesust say NO
@@fogweaver5633 Hello FogWeaver, yeah I just started to hear about the enablers and their attitude, they seem to always have an excuse for the narcissist, and I came up with the thought that they have their own twisted view of things. Someone actually stood up for the narc after I told them what happened, I asked them if they were working for the narc. yeah they got pretty upset about that. F the both of'em. So, at the end of the day, I say enablers condone the acts of the narcissist, no matter how twysted and evil.
@@yulyasevelova769 omg yes! The church kept telling my mom to pray for my dad so God would change him. 20 years later and over thousands of prayers, he didn't change. But my mom did leave the relationship.
And THAT is the most crazy infuriating commentary that made me feel so rageful after awhile!! People who insist your narc Is so wonderful, when they dont even know him!!! When they literally spent 2 hours of accumulated time with him in a year... One time I blew and said "No, no he's not" they both looked at me with shock. I couldn't take it after time... I held strong for 30 years... then I couldn't hold it in any more, my anger would squirt out like puke when your holding your lips closed an your cheeks are all blown out .. that was my head
YES! My ex’s mom would say “That doesn’t sound like him” and she would always use the excuse that his childhood was rough.... You are so right. Others don’t see what we see! We were actually in a relationship with them, and we saw their mask slip
A friend of my mother's told me l was wrong about my father being an abuser and my mother his enabler. I said 'you don't know what really happens behind closed doors'. Never another word out of her.
Things I heard growing up in a family of 6 people, 4 of whom where abusive (both parents and 2 siblings). "Oh, just *ignore* him then. You *know* what he's like!" "Well I didn't see him do it. All I heard was *you* mouthing off again" "Oh, for god's sake, just let her have it. It's only a [whatever she'd taken that was mine]" "It DOESN'T MATTER! Be told!!" "For god's sake! ANSWER him!" "But you told me to ignore him..." "Just ANSWER him!". "Nooooo, she didn't. You're just paranoid." said in a derisive tone. "Oh right. Little miss perfect. And I suppose you didn't say anything to cause it, did you" "Well, that's your own fault. If you'd done / not done [something] he/she wouldn't have [done whatever]" "Well don't go near him then" "It's your own fault. You should stand up for yourself. Go fight your own battles" "Don't have a go at him. You're older than he is" ...aaaaand take a breath and relax. It's over now and they're out of my life. I have a very strict policy now. Only decent people are allowed in my life. As the saying goes 'water finds its own level' and my stance is, their contaminated filthy puddle has no place near my beautiful, peaceful, blue lake. Cyber hugs to anyone who needs one. I hope we can all find our own blue lake.
That sounds nice. Honestly I’m reading a book on Alaska and they talk about all the blue water. Looks like blue Gatorade. Sounds amazing dealing with a brother who is a narcissist and a father who is a flying monkey enabler.
"pray about it and your situation will improve" "That's just the way he is" "He's always been that way" "You know he still loves you though" "Look at all he's done for you"
These are the things my friend says about her ex. He's the worst psycho narc I've EVER known. He's caused his own children to hate themselves. I am a Truth Teller. Their son is also has a Truth Teller. The 19 y.o. son tried to explain to his sisters that the Dad wasn't solely picking on the daughters. The freak has caused the boys to not even be able to shed a tear! (Not even when they have had losses of close relatives.) I chimed 8n earlier today at brunch, I agreed with the son. The daughter got so pissed because she's not only his scapegoat, she's a Narc TOO!
So true Hannah...I heard things like...but you finally found a guy..you are engaged. It's a social thing..just think of how it will affect your family...he was there for you...come on..this way you'll always be alone...no relationship is perfect...yet got out of it...and it's been 1 year..I never regret the decision..hugs to all survivors
"I'm not believing it" OOF! I keep journals. You can get dizzy with your memory spun by other people trying to tell you things happened a certain way but they didn't. So if I end up doubting an event, my journals have it. I even include what I err on, and try to be as objective as possible, and try to name an identify my emotions when these things are happening. It helps.
Some people just told me I deserved the abuse I was receiving or that I was the sole reason for my unhappiness. So I took responsibility of my happiness by pushing them out of my life, and became happier as a result.
I was friends with a married couple for many years. One day the wife told me her daughter told her that her husband SA her when she was little. I found it extremely hard to believe but i supported her either way because of the seriousness of the accusations. As time went on red flags popped up that she was possibly lying about the whole thing. I decided to stay neutral so i could gather more information from both parties and at this point i am convinced she lied about the entire thing. While im guilty of using the phrase that im being neutral, i am glad i did. I was able to gather evidence proving she lied in order to punish her husband.
Or how about another co-worker who knows another co-worker is a narcissist but caves in from the pressure. You here then saying "yeah he seems to be mellowing out!" Yeah sure
I've learnt, there is no "but" and there is no "because". ill-treatment is ill-treatment. And it's really difficult when one party lacks the capacity to acknowledge that.
‘He must’ve had his reasons!”, said to me by an enabler after my narc had canceled plane tickets without telling me, the night before we were to leave to see my first grandson‘s baptism… I was the only relative not there and I was absolutely heartbroken! This was a breaking point for me in the relationship.
“You shouldn’t have made him so angry.” My mom enabled my dad’s narcissistic abuse out of fear. I was labeled the instigator growing up because I had the audacity to question my dad’s skewed version of reality.
About the label of "instigator": me too! The "idea" behind the label, such as it is, is that the problem simply wouldn't exist if the "instigator" hadn't called attention to it. That's not just gaslighting; that's full on blow-torch bullshit.
You sound like you're the whistleblower..., Narcissists label you as the "scapegoat" and seek to destroy when you're the whistleblower personality. I'm a whistleblower.
That's right. It's on the person who is already the bigger person, to endure the behaviors of the overgrown baby of a revolting little narcissist! YOU have to keep being bigger, bigger, bigger, bigger,.... And on and on endlessly, because this poor little baby with its dreadful childhood, must never endure the stress of assuming responsibility!! 😠 😠
Yup. I say, "So you don't have any opinion about whether their behaviour is right or wrong? That's good to know. Thanks for telling me." 😄 Enablers don't like that. Like narcissists, they don't like being held accountable or having a light shine on their immoral complicity.
"Judge someone by their intentions, not by their actions." This dodges all accountability because people can always claim noble intentions despite hurtful behavior.
My ex would use this a lot... "it wasn't my intention to hurt you etc". I was finally fed up and asked then how are you supposed to stop hurting me when you don't even know you intend to? You don't even know you're doing it and no matter how many times I tell you, you don't listen. Therefore your intention IS to hurt me. Lol
@@ninjah8088 I had exactly same thing with mine ex. I started to telling her that if that’s the case, and she doesn’t work on herself to stop doing what she’s doing, than it same like doing it on purpose. And obv she just got offended.
My ex used this sentence all the time when I would confide with him how difficult my mother is and the way she insulted me. I realized later that he was preparing me for that sort of treatment from himself as well. It’s sort of funny how they use this as if they all read from the same manipulation tactics book
Wow you're so right. It's like when someone promises to change their behaviour (and they don't because they can't)...you want A for results, not A for effort and D for results!
Great information. My sister is a narcissist. Everyone was afraid to incur her wrath. My ultimate defense mechanism was to leave home at 20 and never return. I am now 77 and she hasn’t changed, but at least I don’t have to deal with it. I feel sorry for my niece who does!
I've said that the first abuse was from the narcissist but the second round of abuse was from the enablers after the fact. And to be honest, it's been harder to get over what happened with the enablers than with the narcissists.
I’ve developed animosity for the enablers…they helped create the thing that’s killing me…and enjoying every minute of it …they seem to enjoy the torment they cause too…the enablers
💡🙏🤔 Yep me too the enablers are who hurt me 🤷 I can ignore a stay away from the narcissist however the enablers tried to make me think it was my problem my issue and that I was crazy so now I don’t talk to any of them per THERE request 🤔 So be it
this is true i am 30 now, and i can finally understand and deal with a narcissist, i look at them like snakes never expect anything from them, even if i visit my dad, its like going to the zoo but the real problem i had for so long that i did not quite understand was my grandpa and grandma, my mother (eventually she dovorced my dad, but left me with mt narc dad, the women who decided to fell in love with my narc dad), my aunt, and almost everyone from my location. They say things like you are too sensitive, its not that bad, dont be like your dad, your dad loves you, don't be so soft, don't get mad, even praised narcs for the most narcissistic things they did.
Enabler: "You should compromise." Me: "Compromise means that both parties give a little. I've given everything until I have no more to give. They have given nothing. Are you sure you are saying the right thing to the right person?"
I've heard: "You're being Dramatic." "You're being over sensitive." " Don't hyper focus on what he says or does to you, just try to show him your good side." " Be an ideal wife. " "Be submissive". "Be Disciplined." " Let him say whatever, just ignore it." " Are you sure you're not blowing this out of proportion?" " Let him win." " Don't talk back to him." "Maybe YOU'RE Wrong" "But look at how much he's achieved " "He has a lot of other responsibilities that make him tired & grumpy to lash out at you" "Become so tough that no matter what he says, it won't bother you" " why do you even listen to him" "I'm sure it's not THAT bad" " ppl have been thru worse" I've heard it all. I've been thru it all.
I'm glad I'm not taking my inheritance. The enabler is the worst. The enabler kept me stuck in the narcissistic family system for years and to make matters worse everyone thinks they are a good person. I cared for my enabler parent and thought I was being a loyal good child. What you said is so true the enabler can either be a co-dependant or a narcissist. I believe God has a better inheritance for me.
OMG, those law of attraction people (who also say that we choose our parents) are just insufferable. I used to have respect for a guy named Elliott Hulse here on youtube, and then he started that crap, so I had to unsub.
I just happen to be me and not have expensive cloths i like being simple if they can't stand it then they can buy me outfits to wear for when i see them or buy me a wig if my natural hair is to gross i refuse to do anything unnatural thats why i would do the wig that can be taken off when im done with them.
@@flowerchild3674 I tried a therapist cause of trauma her attitude was she didn't want to hear about the past odd that the next thing she brings up was my school days i mention how someone didnt like my hair at 8 years old and she wanted to focus on that seems like vanity s more important then people being seriously injured . Pick any random stranger to talk with in public and your more likely find someone with empathy plus its free I find the homeless are kind and likely to have experience in suffering Therapist likely came from money thats how they can afford a degree and commonly pretenses and stuck up look down on people not as well off thinking its somehow your fault. Hope i am not being offensive to Ramani she is one of those rarity that is almost impossible to get in real life cause her patients likely plan on sticking with her your not going to be able to find an opening like the small percent of good ones out there
“Let bygones be bygones.” “You are misinterpreting the situation.” “That’s not what they said to me.” “You are over reacting again.” Bottom line: I’m wrong; the narc was right and so is the enabler. I’m the bad guy.
well that's what we called manipulation and smear campaign.. They will manipulate the situation first and then paint you as the bad guy... the most often use weapon for the narc...
Yup. Totally get it. "It's your brother. He's always been this way." Heard that one for years, or something on that order. However, "Why do you take the bait.. You always take the bait.. Perhaps you're over-sensitive. Maybe you should develop thicker skin." being said to me by my mother in front of company after I had just successfully blocked and shut down my brother's attempt to take a cheap shot at me is when I realized I was done. More than a few years later, I found myself in a situation in which I had to deal with both of them and realized nothing changed. Her enabler mask eventually slipped again, but I was better prepared for it.
Or, "After 2 marriages totaling 25 years 15 and 10 then for sure you should be embarking on a self improvement program including leaning how to be a paid tradeswoman first like a good Metis woman should and for sure you need to take a taxpayer paid life skills course first before that for getting paid work where you will learn to defend yourself after taking kick boxing lessons and where you will be learning to be 'assertive' with that too."
And it's always a rhetorical question. Not only is it a gaslight and emotionally destructive, but if you are so low you barely feel it, or know the enabler enough to know they say garbage like this and it doesn't even have the effect anymore, or you're prepared... and you begin to answer that question? They don't even listen, give you a vague weird look and continue along the narrative of the problem is *you*. The enabler who says this is often the very reason you're still in it; you're used to be kicked around, ripped up, and unsupported, so you are equipped to be able to put up with it, you're strong yet damaged from all these nasty little ppl in your life. Often, a mother will say that or say, "Well, they wouldn't do that to *me*!" with nothing supportive to say. Had a 911 operator say the latter to me after an assault, implying I put myself into that situation or I'm to blame for physical abuse.
“That’s just mom” “you know how mom is” “She’s just a little weird/quirky” “She just can’t help it.” My husband is a big enabler to his mother, and so is his dad. So frustrating
I was the same as your husband back in the days until I decided that my wife is more important to me then my narcissistic father so I started listening to her healthy opinion and once I did everything changed! today I can look at myself as how stupid I was by trying to justify my sick father while my wife is trying to help me get out of his control.
These were all things that my former wife said to me about her. Along with 'you just have to put up with her'. She & her mother refused to respect my boundaries or wishes for no contact so I had to leave.
Enabling Relatives: “Well I don’t understand because she’s nice to me”. “Be the bigger person” “Just Ignore it”, “Just let it go” “There were some good times”. “Look at how hard they work to make you happy” . “It says in the Bible... (Insert Misused Bible verse)”. “Everyone else seems to get along so well” .(Lies) “I act the same way sometimes too, just ignore it that’s how we all are”. “They’re worried about you”. “Life is short”.
“Be the bigger person” and “Why focus on the negative, think about all the good things! “ Yeah, I hear that crap all the time... actually, I USED to hear, until I cut off the enablers. Can’t stand hearing that s#@t anymore! Life’s too short. 😉
Enabling relatives: "I don't want to take sides." "I won't talk to you about him because I don't talk to him about you." "The information I get from other family members and from the few times I visited don't add up with the things you tell me." "I support you working it out with your brother." - this one after I'd gone on in detail about my brother abusing me and our elderly father for 2 years *and* telling this relative my brother is a malignant narcissist.
Ugh. And “a my mother died when I was very young. You should appreciate yours” “She’s the only one you have” “Can I say, she’s sooooo sweet” “She just can’t pick up the phone sometimes because she’s so ill” (doesn’t pick up so others will worry) And my favorite “what are you trying to do? What do you want to happen?? What is your goal for putting your mom through this?”
@@minoozolala Wow...This is exactly what I heard from my sister about my narc brother. But mine went on to tell me that I need to patch things up "for Mom". I actually think she wanted me to patch things up to get the narc brother from bothering her. Since I went no contact, I'm sure she's getting an earful. It's much easier for the enabler to sit on the sidelines and just watch the show from a safe distance.
Sometimes honoring means not dishonoring them with your words to other people or to their face. Honouring (note: Canadian spelling lol) could mean covering their shame (think of Noah when he got drunk)... Honoring your parents does not mean tolerating abuse and letting them abuse you.
Quick Summary: 1. "That person had a tough backstory;" or "they were spoiled as a child" (thus excusing their behavior) 2. "They didn't mean it; they didn't mean it the way you took it (questioning/ invalidating you) 3 I never had a problem with them (because they are enabling them!) 4. It'll get better, just be patient. (maintaining status quo; and allowing the narcissist to face no consequence) 5. It's not that bad ( minimizing; gas-lighting ) 6. Stop complaining! Let it go! They provide for you. (playing into guilt) *Set boundaries with both narcissists AND their enablers. * As usual, a great presentation. Thank you Dr R!
Maybe it's you. Maybe you have a mental health problem and should see about that before you put the blame on them. They even say this when the two people don't know each other. WOW!!
This is literally the best advice ever! I see how a lot of people will advise to go no contact with a narcissist, but I feel like you really have to go no contact with a narc and all of the narc's enablers.
#2 hurts, esp from my Mother - “I don’t think he MEANT to hurt you,” and “He understands, and he doesn’t want to hurt you…” :( Not cool, Mom. Not cool.
Soooo often my dad says about my mother’s emotional and verbal abuse and zero respect for my boundaries, “She means well, she has the best heart of anyone.” And the fact that my father is a narcissist, and my mother shows signs of being one and has been manipulated by narcissists her entire life (her mother and now my father), it’s just…it’s a lot.
My narc is my mom and I was told many times "she's under a lot of pressure. It will get better." Or "She's not that bad you'll understand when you're older" Or "All mothers love there children she loves you in her own way" And the most hurtful one came from another family member. " People treat you the way to teach them to treat you."
"They did the best they could." "Oh, he didn't mean it." "Oh Honey, YOU must have misunderstood the situation." "...but he really does love you." "Oh, he had a tough childhood." “…And who are you to question him?” "Don't disrespect your parent."
Ahhh sh!!!!t my cocaine addicted narc is talking about me drinking as if it’s comparable. I quit for 4 years to prove her wrong. Nothing changed. I have MS MDD GAD PTSD ADHD and multiple sclerosis. I finally asked her to leave a month ago. She’s still here
About a mother, “I know she loves you, in her own way.” About a spouse, “ He gave you that nice car, and you’re complaining?” Or, “All guys do that. Count your blessings.” Or, after the divorce “ Come over for dinner, by the way, we invited him too, hope you are OK with that.” I’m really not OK with that. It’s kind of insulting. You don’t have the brass to make a different plan? Let me help you... “no thanks, I have other plans.”
"Your mom with die one day. You'll wish you had a mother." "Honor your father and mother." "Christmas is a time to set aside differences and forgive." -Says the people who weren't abused their entire life by their mother.
They are so big on manipulating with dying.. My narcissist father has the tendency of yelling that “he will die and I will regret it”, when I don’t let him suck me into his drama. And my borderline/covert narc mother is manipulating with “who will take care of her when she gets old..”.
I have always wished I had a mother instead of a narcissist. There's nothing honourable about people who abuse and neglect children. "Differences" is for subjective preferences among equally meritorious choices (eg, flavours of ice cream). Child abuse is not a difference of opinion; it's wrong. Non-negotiable.
@@lousialb8962 I finally woke up to acknowledging my narc mother and how she destroyed my entire life and my relationship with my siblings and father. No this people don’t deserve a second chance just because their birthed us. There’s no coming back from a child abuse..nothing!! It’s just so sick..
Well, mine's been dead a few years now, & gosh, it's not too different from all the years she _was_ alive that my entire chest cavity was nothing but a giant gaping hole, wishing I had a mother. Biggest difference is she's not around to try any hoovering or furthering abuse against her grandchildren. Ding Dong the witch is dead!!!
"He's you're dad. His disciplining you. He just want you to be a better person." Fast forward 20 years later. Still the same man. And im so messed up AF.
My mother-in-law was assaulted repeatedly in marriage when my husband was growing up, as was I. Her husband cheated on her repeatedly as well as her son did to me. When I filed for divorce she tried to talk me out of it saying, "You just have to live with that to be married." I've lived 32 years as a single woman now!
Go, sister! "live with that".....I don't think so. You (mother in law) ...maybe....us....no. I applaude you for not accepting that line of crap. You are worth being treasured as a wife!
People who allow certain things usually want you to accept the unacceptable just because they do it, in other words, they impose their beliefs on others. So if they believe they deserve to be treated like shit, the want you to accept that you deserve the same shit. A couple of years ago I was working for a company and there was no heating, it was really cold but my puffy-eyed coworker turned around and said to me: "that's the way it is, don't complain about it, I've been working here for x years and I had to bear the cold in the winter and the heat in summer". Well, then, do I have to applaud you? Haha :'D ridiculous!
When I was pregnant my ML said to “us” (while looking at me) “if any of you cheat I will beat you” (her husband cheated for years and left her for his mistress and is still married to her) her son (my husband) cheats on me for years and all I ever heard was he needs help, he loves you, he doesn’t mean it, let him back home, etc. She treats me like garbage has tried to break us up (saying I am not good enough because I don’t clean or handle our child to her standards and so much more, but pretty much I am not good enough for her son is the point she likes to make) but when I try to leave she won’t let it go and calls me like crazy. Now we live together I am battling cancer and I am miserable and my husband won’t stick to any plan or therapist. I feel so stuck. (I suffer from BPD and past childhood abuse. I am in therapy right now but can’t do much while I am finishing treatment)
Enablers will often change their narrative when one is pushed back against. It's how you can tell they're accustomed to the mental gymnastics necessary to keep enabling abusers - They see no issue with immediately changing their rationale, even if it contradicts themselves from just a moment prior.
I grew up being molested by my father, and my mom didnt protect me or my sister. Then after he left we were subject to her constant emotional abuse, neglect, and projection where we should have had healthy mirroring. The first time I opened up to my aunt (moms sister) about what happened w my dad she went into a monologue about how hard that time was for mom. Countless other examples but that was the worst for me. Had a distant but strained relationship for years but it was just out of guilt on my end. Recently went no contact and cutting these people out of my life is the best thing Ive ever done.
Yes, nomatter how hard something is for you, it's always harder for the narcessist, isn't it? It's truly sick. I'm glad you went no contact. I wish you the best.
His back hurts today. You( as a child) should understandthat when he says you are a worthless, stupid, incompetent human, that always does everything wrong, and that nobody actually cares about you and that they only fake being your friend to get something from you, then you should think "my dad only has bad pain today he does not mean anything he says "😡
Oh my god! That's just what my female restaurant boss just told me this week on my last day. I quit because of the way a creepy cook was treating me. I went to my kitchen managers and told them he made me uneasy. She said all of those things, then said I overreacted, was too sensitive, I had no right doing a criminal background check on him (found a long rap sheet on my state's official site) said I was "broken" from past abuse, said I was clearly "spiraling", and to go home and seek help. Meanwhile the man who csme onto me and stalked me and played the poor little boy card was excused. The worst one was when she said we've decided that YOU are the problem here. A woman came to her management with a legitimate concern and was gaslighted and shamed. When I said one of my bosses was rude for yelling at me, she cut me off and said, "You seem to be sensitive when people raise their voices to you." Good thing I've been listening to Dr. Ramani for a long time. Got home, shook off the dirt, and the future belongs to me. With me gone he'll require a new victim. Sick, sick cultures some restaurants are.
We were just toys for them, like a blender, a bike, or stuffed animal. Explains why the trouble starts when you become a teenager, you start to animate your own thoughts and opinions, and they think " what? Who are you to be your own person " well maybe it's time you get a job and get on out of here, think that would be best for everyone.
I couldn't agree more. My mum regularly bring up the fact that my dad provided for me therefore l still need to maintain contact with him regardless of him being a horrible narc.
His "back story" is the reason I stayed for 43 years!!! Plus the mental health monsters lied and never told me what a narcissist was just fed me 20,000 PILLS & 25+ years of worthless therapy for bipolar depression instead of the TRAUMA I TALKED ABOUT EVERY WEEK!!!
"We are so worried about you" "You should get some help" "what's wrong with you?" "you're way too sensitive!" "are you depressed?" "he/she didn't mean it" "that's just their personality" "he/she is just very stubborn" "we think you're depressed?" "there's always a problem with you!" "why do you always have to have an issue with everything?" "what's the matter?" "why are you behaving this way?" "you complain about everything" Saying all this after doing absolutely heinous things and Stamping on your boundaries. The gaslighting is shocking. My answer: there is nothing wrong with me. You won't deflect away from the issues at hand. Your behavior is wrong and you all know this and no amount of subject changing, excuses or enabling will work with me. And then they proceed to get angry or attack. Smdh. Its best to cut these people out. I've noticed that when it came to a point where you put boundaries down with the narc and they had to apologise this created a narc injury and they have been attempting to punish me ever since. I'm done. And am going solid grey rock with said person.
OMG! in this deep right now....I think just this week I finally realized how much abuse I have endured from my father and my enabling mother. Just this am since I set a new boundary ....and he disovowed me from the family..."this is your mother and you need to stop this "trial" you have placed your father on. He loves you. I am worried about your health..." she has since involved my sister; the invisable child and my Golden child older brother and is attempting to wrangle my husband in as well that..." I am not well."
Or even better when they try to level the playing field by saying...."Yes he did this, but your reaction was wrong...so everybody needs to take responsibility"
When you challenge narc behavior it makes narc enablers look at themselves, something that makes them very uncomfortable. You make them look bad simply by being honest and real.
Yes!They are emotionally screwed!They think like children and driven to be centre stage.When caught I am told I am a headache, no they are and responsible for screwing their children's lives up.Good luck to them I've never come across so many.Highky respected, vued members of society on how much money.They are the head cases not me.Being Honest is not a mental illness.Wanting to deal with conflict is not a sign of mental illness-they behave like pathetic children.As long as I'm okay who gives a shit!Thank christ we're not all the same.Unbelieveable.So called intelligent people. Are they good decent honest caring people-and they are not.
I did this recently and could sense that she went and showed him the texts I sent (enabler initially supported me and now is FRIENDS with him AND works with him!! I’ve Unfriended and blocked her too now. Not worth the energy
"Your parents are great, they do so much for you and are so kind, you're having a distorted perception because you were adopted and have issues because of that." "Your parents did and paid for everything for you, you had a happy childhood, ballet lessons, horseriding and holidays, you are ungrateful. They just have a different way of showing love." #6 totally hits the spot!!!
"Be the bigger person". Translation: Shrink yourself to fit the narcissist's agenda.
I dont agree with this, "bear up under the pain of unjust suffering because you are conscious of God".
Ya until they have to live under the thumb of a narc.
How about this one? "The scriptures have advice for everything. Do what u have to in order to keep peace." What they fail to recognize is the scriptures call out the behavior of a narc in many places.
Oh my peas, someone just told me that...
Just wow!
100% I've had that recently.
" they are still your parents " is a big one.
“she’s your mother, you have to respect her”
Cat Walker yes
"Hes your father you have to respect him think about all those kids who don't have a father be grateful for what you have". It's hard to make people understand.
@@wildrose2004 Lol I know right just enabling the abuse .
"He's your father and sacrificed for you. He had nothing when he was your age. Look at you, you've never missed meal, have you, Mr. College graduate with new car!!!"
"There are two sides to every story." Not when it comes to abuse.
Well said. Court still think this way. They just don't get that xx
My blood boils at this phrase because I was told this after abuse as well!
Yes!! But it’s true that there are two sides. When the narc is in control of the story it is dangerous to not ask for the other side. I guess narcs are dangerous either way. Best to just document and have proof.
YES. I just posted this exact phrase an hour ago on Dr. Ramani's video about how to point out a narcissist to other people because the one time I finally opened up to a mutual friend about the abuse my child and I had been suffering for 15 years, this is exactly what she said to me. On the surface, it seems like the person is just being sensible and objective, but it's actually very dismissive in a way that it implies that your abuse is not reality - that it's just a perception, while at the same time implying that all of the lies the narcissist in your life tells about you are just as "valid" and true as your experience. When you're already already having your reality questioned on a daily basis through gaslighting, it's so detrimental.
Absolutely!!!
Enablers will say that they don't want to pick sides so keep them out of it by not talking to them about your perspective. It shuts down and ices out the person who is suffering.
Our landlord!!
That has happened to me.
Exactly, keep these people away, they are listening to all the gossip and pretending they are not taking part. That makes thdm aldo a narcissist eho just wants to keep their image. I don’t even say “please don’t speak to me anymore”, I just make it very clear I don’t want them to even speak to me. They can’t have any option to even try.
Exactly what my enabler dad said to me....😢
we know exactly which side they actually are
They'll say: "He loves you, he just doesn't know how to show it..." Crap like that...
Wow, that's exactly what my mom used to tell me about my narc dad!
Omg my mom used to say that when I was growing up. I thought how could I be hard to love?
Sooo true 👍
Yes
I blew off your videos for a long time. I'm 64 years old. Sick of young pretty chicks telling me how to re-see what I KNOW has happened. Seeing your white hair roots Told me you have the years to have earned wisdom. Wear your years PROUD! You EARNED every one of those white hairs. It wasn't until I saw them that I was even willing to hear what you had to say. You have so much WISE info to say. Thanks for not dying your roots, so I got too hear the wisdom you have that I can now apply to my life.🔚
I'm an attorney who does divorce work. One way to deal with the enablers is to ask them "why do you think it's in my best interest to do what you're suggesting?" This questions reveals that what they're telling you to do is not in your best interest at all. I've had my own personal experience with flying monkeys, and this question has worked every time.
Yes!
!!! it was never pertaining to it being within our best interest but, the suggestion is simply for the best interest of whoever the narcissist is.
Thats a great idea.
Thank you it's something I will carry with me for a long time, it's now part of my arsenal to see THEM and allow them to SEE THEMSELVES.
I will try and remember this - thanks.
They tell us stuff like “well that’s in the past” even when it’s a recurring pattern
My ex said that a lot. That was his way of pulling a switcharoo and turning the argument on me when I would call him out on his reoccurring disgusting behavior.
I get this all the time like I’m not suppose to reflect on what has happened and how it has made me feel and where I stand today. “You’re holding a grudge!” But your track record still shows stuff from months ago, today.
When I got back in contact with the man that raised me he said "I'm not going to rehash the past with you" that was the last day I ever spoke to him because it's not my past. The money he took when he left actively was affecting my present and completely derailed my future. I'm STILL living with the consequences of his decisions to this day. That doesn't sound like the past to me.
for real but when they bring up the past it’s normal
I robbed a bank a week ago so that's ok then.
My father and my sister are narcissists. My mom is a big time enabler. When I confronted them, she said, "we fed you we raised you, did we sell you as a child?" She thinks I have to be grateful because they didn't commit humantrafficking...
My mother: you lived, didn't you?
Gee, you're the best mother ever for not killing your children! 🤪
Wow. I'm so sorry. I can't believe a parent would ever say this.
Wow 😲 I feel for you.
Thats awful
I'm glad you have a sense of humor about it.
My favorite: "they told ME they're super sorry about the bad thing they did to you". Cool, funny how they consistently neglect to tell me directly.
🤣💀
Oh mah gahhd. So true!
😂
That’s an upgrade. “I’m sorry” is something I just never heard.
It’s impossible to reason with a narc because the narc needs to make sure you won’t be heard. It’s important for the narc not to listen to what you have to say.
Or they just say I told you I was sorry but they never did
“Why are you so negative and stuck in the past?”
“You’re an adult now, get over it.”
“You’re just an anxious person. You interpret everything wrong.”
Exactly that 👆🏻
Sometimes the only explanation/interpretation is a case of ONGOING ABUSE.
oh god exactly
I just got all those from my sister 2 days ago!
My narc mother controls her with money.
Are we related😂😂😂
It's annoying when you tell an enabler a cruel thing that the narcissist did to you, and the enabler gets mad at you for "talking bad about" the narcissist. Because they don't like hearing that the narcissist isn't how they want him to be.
I once told my mom ‘ he’s a narcissist ‘, because she was always complaining about him. She replied: ‘Yes’. That was the last conversation I had with her on the phone. After that it’s the occasional text message a few times a year. I’m sure he’s forbidden her to talk to me anymore. She takes it literally.
It's actually scary. This world becomes scary
@@thornless9073 True, for more than one reason.
Marjet22 Nothing but love and compassion for you! I totally F***ing get it. Unfortunately for me, my mother had a stroke last week and I now know for sure that we will never have any reconciliation (she is alive but incapable of communicating in any meaningful way). Her final betrayal was making sure I was kicked out of my home while giving my abuser money to take my children (Whom were not being abused and have grown on to be the joy of my life!) I continued to text my abusive mom for years after out of respect because my father was never there for me but my mother ,at least, tried (she was an epic failure, but she tried) I will be praying for healing in your relationship. Hopefully it will go better than mine. Ultimately, in my journey, I’ve realized that it’s OK to love someone and understand that they will never be the Parent that you wanted or needed. And very cathartic to be able to accomplish things your parents didn’t! Nothing but love for you on this side❤️🙏✝️
Martina van Campen-Wierda
I would just like to start off by saying “Well done!!!
So uplifting!
Your reply gave me such joy this morning
I was told , not 30 mins ago that my 6 figure inheritance would be going to her and her latest husband’s medical care
Not gunna lie 🤷♀️
(Cuz, you know, I would love to be Pius and say “It was nothing ,But in reality I was super pissed about the money)
Money is a beautiful thing when it is accompanied with satisfaction
In my personal experience :
SUCCESS IS NOT A DESTINATION!
It is just a few moment for most us
Just as brief as a cup of coffee with a friend
IMHO
We were never created to be satisfied
Rich or poor you have to feed yourself three times a day(ish)
Which means we all have vulnerability in common
Steve Jobs had “All The Kings Horses and All The Kings men” yet he was unable to turn his successes (influence, money, and power) into immortality
I have truly enjoyed my successes
But I have discovered that crying with someone who is suffering, giving a quarter to someone who is down on their luck, or just being patient with someone who is TRULY pissing you off, are the meaningful successes that most of us forget
Life’s “success” aren’t really the “Rock Star” moments that we dream of
(I have had those too ! Those moments are Awesome!!)
But the less exciting and more meaningful relationships are what life is about for me personally
Sorry not sorry 🤷♀️
(6 f-ing figures well f-ing lost)
“Is it not better to eat a bowl of vegetables with a friend, than to eat steak with who seeks to injure?”
Answer: YES!!!
I love steak , but I am truly grateful and satisfied with vegetables When it involves true connection with flawed people who with big hearts❤️
That is truly MAKING love
Is it weird to feel guilty about being free?
The main thing I hear is that we are all told "you're too sensitive".
No we are not. I cut my narcissist and enablers off years ago, life is hard but it gets better.
Look after yourself everyone. X
Amen
OMG - how many times did I hear that one! Because I reacted appropriately to verbal abuse? Oh ok - so we're clear - LOL!
As if there is a sane way to respond to their INSANITY
I’m told I’m raising my kid to be a (fill in the blank over thinker, sensitive, bitch, looser etc) just like me
It’s hard I’m struggling
@@Memomommy maybe try something like this “I am hurting due to this consistent behaviour (whatever it is) being levelled at me when I have asked for it to stop. The other person is being “insensitive” by not listening and changing.” OR “STOP saying that. You know that is not true.” Remember it is NOT true. You are hurting, you are not “too sensitive”. This is only for enablers. Narcs who say this get nothing, not even a crestfallen face. All the best.
Seríal killer: Gets caught killing people.
Neighbors: “He was the nicest guy ever. I never had any problem with him.”
Literally
There are usually a few people who pick up on some level of creepiness about such characters, "but I just couldn't put my finger on it".
@@helenhighwater5313 at least those ppl acknowledge the guy was odd. Others act like that because the killer never killed them, “he was the nicest guy ever.”
@@Autumn_Forest_ So true, and senseless. How in the world can a person reconcile the two opposing things in their minds? It just shows how self centered humans can be...judging solely on how the person seems to treat them and not looking at the whole picture. It seems some people can't admit that they themselves are subject to deception. God help us all.
Oh great example!!
“She did the best she could”
“She does so much for you”
“She is your mother. You’ll regret it one day”
“You only have one mum”
“Blood is thicker than water”
“None of us are perfect”
Idk who needs to see this, I pulled it from google thanks to a tiktok:
The actual saying is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”. The meaning of this saying is actually the opposite of the way we use it. The saying actually means that bonds that you've made by choice are more important than the people that you are bound to by the water of the womb.❤️
Yep....ALL of those!!!
Joseph UK “you’ll feel bad if she dies”. I feel bad now
ICKY
Omg I’ve heard all of these
"just think how much stronger that made you", which is BS. The abuse didn't make me strong. It made me insecure, it made feel worthless, it made me devalue myself.
True it is horrific. I nearly had a stroke today as a result of a psychopath's actions. I had one last year. I was so shaking and distressed.
I think in the long term my narcissist abuse made me stronger. It certainly made me wiser and more able to read the signs and not be a doormat in the relationship. But everyone is different and if I could go back in time and NOT have that horrible experience, I would. And the whole "it made you stronger" thing is NO justification for abuse.
+1
@@AlyssaTaylor9 I agree with that. Now that I've been involved in therapy and have worked through my trauma and I actually am happy and experience joy in my life I do feel very strong. I just think it's so sad to put someone, especially a child, through that kind of a journey, and I've definitely made my worst decisions as a result of the abuse I suffered from my father. I'm grateful everyday that I decided I wanted a better life for myself and sought therapy. It saved my life.
As much as I hate to say it and mourn the childhood I could have had, I wouldn't change what has happened to me, because it has instilled in me a desire to be a mentor and safe haven for children with emotionally turbulent households, and I'm proud of the fact that I retained my gentleness, despite how easy it is to stay bitter.
The "tough love" didn't make me stronger, it just made me timid and resentful. And my mother claims she was trying to make me tougher because she didn't want me to grow up like she did. Yeah, right! She was just taking her anger out on whatever was convenient at the time.
"You two never got along." As if it were a mutual problem vs dealing with one person's bad behavior.
exactly! like when King Charles the narcissist enabler tells his two sons not to make his last years miserable, as if it were William and Harry causing all the trouble! It is all Harry and William is doing everything right.
Any time I try boundaries to my siblings I get this from my parents.
The false equivalency is gaslighting.
Bingo! This hurt deeply.
14:35 yeah i just heard that one recently "dont get along' really wonder why after idiot bulldozed my access then she so stupid she fenced off council land and mine.
Hah! We dont get along cause i stood my ground. As Narcs are dishonest manipulative seems they are believable. The victim is the liar does my head in!
"They've always been nice to me" well yeah because they're getting something out of you!
My friend says this and I always say how long are you around him? You don’t live with him!
I had a narcissistic boss (ironically a clinical psych) who, once they saw how valuable I was as a clinical psych in her practice, was sweet as pie to me - office revamps, Pay rise etc, but I watched her behave cruelly and terribly to other staff time and time again. That many time there were other staff in tears or leaving with anxiety issues was incredible. She still owns a busy practice. With a high turnover. I would have said ‘she’s nice to me’ but I recognised it was because I lined her purse very well enabling her to have large Mercedes cars and leather sofas (which she would talk about at work). I don’t work there anymore obviously!!!
@@catherinebrennan1760 did you ever stand up to her? To make sure she knew her behavior was ugly toward others?
This. Exactly how it works in my situation.
I literally heard someone say that to justify the actions of a pedophile and serial stalker so that they could keep hanging around him. It's disgusting
From my sister:
"We weren't abused."
"They're still your parents."
"They're going to die one day."
"They just want to be in your baby's life and spoil her."
"Your baby is going to end up introverted if you don't have her cry it ot with mom and dad."
"You're going to raise a snowflake."
"You need to forgive them."
Done listening to that bs. Protect your babies people, break the cycle of abuse.
I go through the same thing with my family !
OMG exactly what my aunt said (without the baby part, I dont have children)
Yes! Thank you for saying that. Going through it as well. What a weird comment about your baby ending up introverted..
My sister is laughing when I'm telling her how I was assaulted, verbally and physically.
This is very useful psycholinguistic information, thank you. You are helping a lot of people heal from severe trauma with this list of BS responses that people say to defend heartless fools.
"All breakups are hard." No honey, a narcissist breakup is not like other break ups.
YES! That is the worst!
You truly don't understand this until you go through it, too.
I never experienced something so cruel.
Narc go for the jugular vein with no hesitation beware of these people
He’s a narcissist and I’m codependent. What a dysfunctional relationship; and was in it for so long. The more I tried to move forward in our relationship, the more disrespectful he got. I left for good in February and he had someone waiting in the wings. His family always made the excuse he’s socially awkward, and never communicated with them either and told me they knew he loved me. I’m having a REALLY hard time getting over this relationship; not anything I’ve been through before.
My favorite, "you can't live in the past.... you have to let things go..." Even when the behaviors have never stopped.
Bingo. Fortunately, that's more my abusive mother saying that than her enabler husband, but Dad kept claiming my mother "did the best that she knew to do at the time".
Like it’s just that simple.
Or when it happened 5 min ago lol
I usually say, tell her that!
This one!
I blocked my mom from my life, and everyone is telling me how in pain she is. No she isn't. She just doesn't like the optics of appearing like a bad mom whose eldest child wont talk to her. For real reasons.
Same here. Lucky for you if it's just one parent.
Sorry let me rephrase - not lucky just less fked up.
I just did the same thing and when I tell anyone she is just upset at how people will see her now and she is not upset because I am not around, everyone reacts like I am just being mean and unwilling to forgive I've been forgiving for 44 years now, I think that's enough. I hope you manage to stick to ur guns! Good luck!
@@nathalieabi-hamad9595 good luck to you as well.
She lost her narcissistic feed, that’s an important loss to her. Like a thief who lost his bounty.
"I don't like taking sides." As if I'm asking you to be part of some middle school clique fight. I'm escaping an abuser, and I'd like you to at the very least support me.
Nice one
Good one. I recently had someone I thought was my friend say this to me. I felt it was time to cut her off.
Erica wrote: ""I don't like taking sides." Oh, yes - after being encouraged and chastised for staying away from my family of abusers, and then trying to make contact, being attacked again, and telling the "mediator" what happened and "this is why I have stayed away" I am told "they don't want to be in the middle of it." When they encouraged me to put myself in harm's way!
I have just given up completely when it comes to all these abusive enablers. Every last one of them. 40 years I have stayed away and they still attack me whenever they get the chance.
Cousin said this one.
This is my sister😩☹️😁yes she is still sitting on a fence of some sort‼️‼️‼
They make up excuses or justifications for their behaviour and make you think that you did something to cause their behaviour.
That's very true Dear.
That's a classic physical abuser's line! They made me so angry that I had to hit them & they deserved it!!
Worse yet their enablers thanks to all of the grandiose narcissists lies about their grooming and false advertising 'impressive' skills seek to condemn you.
My enabling sister went as far as to accuse me of being a liar and a bully to her... after she came down punitively and righteously over my being too defensive at times with our 82 yr old Narcissistic mother. I had described the toxic family dynamic as l see it... actually quite gently. I'm still reeling as she was the family member l'd felt most able to be close to. The losses for pointing to truths consciously and unconsciously can be devastatingly costly.
The problem is, they are a key part for the entire dynamic to develop.
With narcissists it's essentially the same as with any form of tyranny: They alone cannot do anything, but with the proper foundation, they become absolutely dangerous and destructive.
- You have the inner core without which nothing would happen (in this case the narcissist).
- You have active supporters who prop the tyrant up (in this case other narcissists).
- You have the opportunists who are attempting to gain some sort of advantage from all this (I'd like to call them malignant enablers: They know exactly what's going on, but instead of doing something about it, they choose to play along for their own self-serving attitudes).
- You have the followers (the classical enablers) aka useful idiots.
- You have the ones who turn a blind eye on what's going on (thereby becoming enablers themselves).
Sadly, for the victims this is an absolute no-win scenario.
Six Things Narcissist Enablers say:
1.The Narcissist had a tough backstory 2:56
2. The Narcissist didn't mean it 5:01
3. I never had a problem with the Narcissist 6:12
4. It will get better--just be patient 7:38
5. It's not that bad (minimization aka gaslighting) 9:13
6. Stop complaining, the Narcissist takes care of your material needs 10:37
Add, "Just ignore them. Let it go."
My enabling step-father after I confronted my murderous mother: "You should just get over it. Just look at Corrie ten Boom and Elizabeth Smart: they forgave..."
Thank you for that break down. It was very helpful.
@@NancyCronk this was the most frequent thing said to me when growing up.
Forgive but you don’t have to be connected! No contact works well!
"You're going to make it bad for the rest of us if you keep acting like this!" Translation: keep being the punching bag so we don't have to deal with it and continue pretending nothing's wrong. 😔😔😔
"don't talk to me about anything negative"....glad I got out after 38 years.
So true!!
Wow! I can relate. I was told by someone who is supposed to be close to me “I feel like I’m gonna lose all my friends” (because of me). 🙄
YES!!! OMG, my husband's family says that the sibling *on the **_receiving end_** of the most abuse* is *_causing_* the "trouble in the family!" If it weren't for the abused sister's negativity everything would be GREAT?! Whaaaaat?!
Hello fellow scape goat 👋
"They (Narcissistic person) worries about you" is something I have heard a lot from the enabler.
I've gotten that one
Yikes...
This is classic Indian parent
That's what my husband tells me about my sister-in-law!
and also they love you ... What kinda love is that???
"She's you mother. You know she loves you!" erm... do i? And why does loving me give her the right to insult and belittle me? It doesn't.
the enabler has poor boundaries that makes them speak for the narcissist. as a flying monkey they are programed by the narcissist
And how does abuse demonstrate love anyhow? Really it's no wonder I had no idea what love looked like and have had abusive relationships
"Your mother is just stressed out. You need to be respectful and help her." Ugh.
Not love in my book
I get fold this with financial stuff. "She paid for food during college she helped pay rent" like yes she did and I was grateful but she used it to control me and make me feel little af.
"Love everyone" "turn the other cheek" "I don't take sides" "make peace" "the truth is in the middle"
"She's your mother, so we're going to respect her enough to do things her way."
Or it takes 2 to tango… fuck that! I didn’t want to dance💀🤡
Sometimes the truth _isn't_ in the middle. One person is being truthful and one person is lying. End of story.
“Stop playing the victim.” “You need to get over it already.”
I heard "stop playing the victim" all the time growing up from the narcissist (stepfather) and, occasionally, from the enabler (mom). It was very painful to hear it from mom 'cause I tried to believe that she was my protector and that she cared which, most of the time, was the role she played.
Yep! This I’ve heard from someone who used to beat me up as a child and became friends with the crazy bitch who slandered me. 😩
Invalidation...that 1 makes me sick
My farther says that and it hovers me for days
Jaya O'M Codependent parent is always the enabler(otherwise they would have broken out already), the opposite of protector. My experience is don’t have expectations on them to understand you and instead focus on yourself and validate you yourself and realize you are the biggest validator and protector for yourself, others are just icing on the cake, if they are good to you fine, they are toxic to you, also fine, I’ll just cut them off
After pouring your heart out and describing the immense hurt a narcissist has caused in your life it is like a gut punch to hear the enabler say : "OH but she/he means well,"
Instant and complete invalidation of your experience of pain.
Thank you for saying it so clearly. HURT Yes a punch in the gut. This just happened when the NP raged at me abusively and then the enabler who taught the NP (NP nature & nuture bootcamp) "They don't know better" - which is true; they live in the skin and habit of narcissism because everyone fears their anger, emotional abusive words and then the rejection. On one hand it hurts, on the other it gives me the reason to stop trying ... grey rock time.
Even if you're an outsider and the narcisists partner is the enabler saying "they mean it well" it sucks as a friend to see them getting treated like crap and them then defending the narcisist themselves.
Having your own pain feel invalidated must be so much worse for you though.
Oh this really hits me hahahah my so called friend did exactly this to me
Keeping the family together and a Kind of genuinity (i could not even immagine that he really meant It) and thinking I could take the suffering away of my daughters made me be an enabler. And thinking about it, i had this role already in my family of Origin. The way my sister was judged for her way of beeing (femail, intuitive " not logical"....), I had to learn from her lateron.
Or getting told to move out of the house
"Why are you so focused on the past?"
"you need to focus on your own problems, stop obsessing about what they did to you."
"Why are you so angry?"
"I'm not going to take sides in your anger against her/him."
"Stop trying to fix the other person, you need to fix yourself."
Omg that’s my mom!
Do you know my family? Lol
The last one is so true... Stop trying to fix.....!!!!
so right ✅
My brother about my sister! They have a sick competitive relationship and each try to control the narrative for the other 4 siblings. They use anyone they can. Latest my brother is trying to control my nephew!! Discussing people.
"Can't you find it in your heart to forgive your brother?" "If you don't forgive him, how do you expect things to improve?" "If you no longer talk with him, how do you expect him to ever apologize and build a good relationship with you?"... This has been going on for over 45 years.
Ditto but for only about 7 years.
Same, but for 2 years, and my father's the one with narcissistic tendencies.
Same. 30 years 😞
One thing I learnt is that forgiveness isn‘t about enabling the narcissist, but untying the bonds of resentment which keep you under the power of the narcissist and finding peace for yourself so you can get on with your own life. And reconciliation requires both people to work on it, the perpetrator as well as the victim. Be realistic, that‘s not likely to happen with a narcissist.
Someone keeps asking me to talk to my brother. I suspect he is both a narcissist and a enabler.
YOU’RE TOO SENSITIVE.
That’s a big one
Ughhhhhh heard this all my life...
Unfortunately, they don’t know how to handle sensitive people.
Alice M ....yes, and it’s because they are hyper-sensitive but only about the self, not to be confused with self-aware, and willfully oblivious about the feelings of others, because it up-stages their perpetual, incessant performance.
Yeah, it is in your genes that you develloped depression. Your mother is not responsible for it. Your father (whom I saw only 4 days a month) is the reason!
“There are two sides to every story.”
“Well, you HAVE to admit that you have a part to play in this. It’s not all his fault.”
“I don’t believe in cutting people out, it’s never good to burn a bridge”
Oh I've heard that one before!
It's funny how familiar 'those sayings' are when you are young.
'I used to be young once...'
You get wiser at the world and come to know them as excuses.
How many people are making 'excuses, excuses'?
Reason to gaslight, minimize and subjectively torture their subjects into their impressions as the whole world of understanding, profoundly. Grandiose from a life that has already past them (possibly as enablers). Just getting along and just getting by in society.
Not Dr Ramani however...
You must have met my ex sister in law. She is a psychiatric nurse so does a good line in patronising. Very notably, she dominates her younger husband. If he does something good like put some shelves up for the first time and another person compliments him on it, she is quick to put it down and criticize. Its a like a reflex.
-- While sending you a photograph of them while age 16 before you met him walking on a bridge for added impact.
I will not only burn that bridge....I will blow it up and walk away from the explosion like Dwayne Johnson. Zero f**ks given.
"I was just kidding, stop being so sensitive."
"Forgive"
"Why would he/she do that?"
"I find that hard to believe."
My aunt was like I thought he was a good guy. Even your uncle said he is a good guy. Smh.
My mother raised us hearing ALL-THE-TIME the first two you listed
my narcissist group kept saying this to me. I really thought I was being too sensitive and thought that was one of my strength before. I started not talking to this group and move toward people who loved me and it got better.
My girlfriend said this to me when she "jokingly" told me she didn't love me...
god, the last one really hit
"At the end of the day, we’re still family"
"Honor thy mother and thy father"
"Your skin isn’t thick enough"
"Just ignore it"
"Get over it" is the worst comment!
Yesssss
You are remembering wrong. That's the one that triggers me.
Yep
Yep. I hear this regularly.
"It could be worse. At least he's not hitting you."
"How can you say something so mean? What's WRONG with you?!?!"
"You're always so Negative. I choose to look at the Bright Side of things."
"EVERYBODY loves xxxxx. There must be something wrong with YOU!"
I've heard everyone of those .omg
Wow you hit the nail in theeeee head! Every sentence. Amazing. It creeped my skin out!!! Heard it anytime I wanted to actually “communicate”. So glad for this information... Years of healing and walking with Jesus- saved my mind...
@@bluewings9 "She's such a wonderful person!!"
The first one is SO frequent!
Exactly
"had a tough backstory" doesn't give you the right to make others backstory tough
Irene Dove That was a Priceless comment🤗
Home truth
Truth
What precious wisdom! Thank you, Irene Dove!
“Let it go”
“Get over it”
“Stop living in the past”
“You’re over thinking it”
oh yes
“Stop living in the past” lmao they are such a record
‘Don’t hold grudges’ when to this day the narcissist keeps doing the same things.
Right. About all responses above-Disgusting!
I hate being accused of "over intellectualizing" everything by a man who ONLY analyzes and intellectualizes, and avoids actually FEELING whenever humanly possible. And, apparently, it's humanly possible in virtually every situation one may encounter in life. I especially hate it when what I'm doing is attempting to explain why I feel the way I feel, which I always know is a futile pursuit, and yet, I always feel compelled to do it, anyway. I mean, seriously. I am convinced that the appearance that some people are rational is the universe's biggest practical joke played exclusively on people who actually are rational people. Because, there is a co-occurring hope in the heart of all actually-rational people that seemingly-rational people actually are rational on SOME level, since, I mean, they SEEM rational. So, if the actually-rational people just try hard enough, or explain their feelings in exactly the right way, seemingly-rational people will finally fucking actually hear, understand, and acknowledge that the actually-rational people have a goddamned point, and maaaaaayyyyyyyybe such a revelation will have the (admittedly, extraordinarily unlikely) happy ending of renewed relationships that are based on mutual respect and recognition of each others' feelings, and maybe if the actually-rational people explain their feelings in exactly the right way, the ensuing renewed relationships will include the teeeeensiest amount of empathy for them, and their lifetime of anger and frustration, built into the newly laid foundations of the renewed relationships. Even though all actually-rational people know in their heads that the game is rigged against them, that seemingly-rational people ONLY SEEM rational, they just can't manage to force that knowledge into their hearts to counteract the goddamned hope that always compels them to play the fucking game anyway.
When I complained about my narc father to my mother she would not even make excuses for him but straightup say: Well, he isn`t like that with MEEE! That was enough for her. It did not matter how he treated his daughters as long as she was treated differently. Took me a long time to figure out that she is more than just an enabler but a narc herself.
That sounds horrible. Please get TF away from them both if you haven't yet.
I have three sisters and this has been my entire life with my mother. I feel like we were s child so she didn't have to feel his wrath.
Siblings' rationalization: "There's a lot of people who had it worse than we did".
THAT'S a big one!! As if the abuse you experienced is erased because someone else had it worse than you.
I heard that one too. Until my sister experienced something herself. She was always the golden child. Then my father was teasing her dog in a mean way. She took it very badly.
....there's a lot of kids who had it better than us
This.
It’s amazing how much that one works, but if you pretend that this was something the world actually cared about and imagined what that world would look like you realise how absurd it is to compare your suffering.
“Hello officer, I just orchestrated a series of bombings that killed every resident of a town of 10,000 people”
“That’s ok, Hitler killed about 10 million people. You’re free to go”
'She is still your mom.'
'You should respect your mom.'
'You should forgive her because she is your mom.'
'It's not that bad.'
'She has always been like this. In the past you were able to get along.' (when I was not setting boundaries, that is)
'That doesn't sound like something your mom would do or say.'
My dad to a T
100% heard them all!
I had friends that would say that to me. I also used to feel so much guilt; as a child, I spent so many years feeling that I must have done something, but never knowing what. Many years later, as an adult, my pastor's sermon was about respecting your parents. He said that the best way to show this respect is by being a good person. That sermon lifted a lot of guilt off of my shoulders!
People need to stop sainting mothers. All sorts of women get pregnant. Including those who should never be allowed near a child. Having given birth may be an ordeal but it dosen't make someone a saint.
Thank you for this. Ive had this said to me so many times.
Enablers & flying jackasses are just as worse as the narcissist cause they are always making excuses for how poorly they treat people.
And, typically, in my experience, they have no factual basis upon which to enable. Like, my aunt told me once, "oh, lighten up, stop being so sensitive." I was thinking, "Lady, she's doing her superficial games with you; you have no clue what she's REALLY like. I DO, because I am her daughter, and I live with her."
SO TRUE.
@@lanlin8267 good question. Sometimes, depending on who is doing the enabling. Some people have good intentions and say ignorant things in good faith. Other times, it feels worse, the more distantly the enabler knows the narc. Always taking the narc's side, especially a double adult alliance against a child, it takes away the right to feel your feelings and believe your heart.
@@lanlin8267 How can you communicate with someone who doesn't let you talk, doesn't have time to talk, doesn't want to talk, and someone who lacks basic insight into themselves, and is a cruel person?
Sara Adams My mother and sister would gang up on me.
told my grandma about my PTSD from my childhood abuse from my father finally, and i said that being raised by him was absolute hell and she STILL says “but your reactions were also bad” which used to make me feel crazy but now it just makes me know she isn’t on my side because my dad used to physically and mentally abuse me as a small child and to blame a person that small for reacting is what made me see her lack of acknowledgment but without the guilt
I was talking to a narc a few days ago and I asked him to help me to understand how it is that he could do so many horrible things to me over a number of years but the one time that I decided to strike back hard, I'm such a horrible person that he doesn't need to be with. Narcissist are very amusing when you can look at them from a place of pure numbness.
This is a big one. I reacted badly after seven years of gasliting and abusive behaviour and now I’m being held accountable for some “hurtful texts”… but what about the seven years of abuse prior to that? 🤔 enablers are the worst.
And, as if reacting to their toxic & twisted treatment somehow excuses or justifies their behavior. Or makes it your fault. Just twisted.
It never pays off to open up to those who made the narc
She’s covering for the abuse she justified when your father was a child. Her guilt is there but deeply buried. And she has no desire to uncover it.
A lot of enablers are protecting the narcissist. They are like 'Yes' people.
Yes! Exactly this! It’s like they’re allergic to critical thinking and empathy.
spineless lap dogs
Yeah. My dad, mom and one sister are all narcissist. Sister has a yes friend who lives out of state. Mom has a yes friend who lives out of state. And dad has not ever had any male buddies that I can recall. Except for the one year when we were little and another young dad down the road would stop by for some quick fellow young man chat. But we moved and he never got another buddy. My dad prefers being the only man in his daily life. But he does like yes women.
@@ladyserpentine9377 I could never form a relationship with those in my husband's family or speak honestly with any of them about how my husband's mother treated me because they were all too busy catering to my husband's mother. No one was the least bit interested in me except for criticizing me for not measuring up to the mother's expectations and resenting me for her temper tantrums. I had to set boundaries, lower my expectations for any kind of real relationships, and limit my time spent with them. It's also very stressful on the marriage and required some counseling so that my husband could understand the dynamics of how we were being scapegoated. Then when she died their entire family fell apart and were fighting with each other.
Flying monkeys.
enabling siblings - two of them
"your being dramatic"
"you're always whining"
"its not that serious"
"just do what she wants, you know the kind of mama you have"
"you act like mama was that bad"
"she had a tough upbringing"
"that's just how she is"
constantly invalidating your experience.
I swear! This is definitely the one!
I have 3 enabling siblings and I don't know how my carrier did it but they will say " she does everybody like this"...
Yep. Mine make a big deal about how she had a "rough" early life. She really didn't. And, she has a bunch of sisters who mostly came out good people and loving mothers. The excuses get really old.
The sort of chronic invalidation you describe causes distress in people. It’s also called gaslighting. A terrible form of psychological abuse. They minimize, trivialize, dismiss, etc.
@@AWRose-kc4si Yes, she had a rough life. What they don't say is how she makes that early experience something that everyone else should go through because she did. No compassion at all. Most mother's don't want their children to suffer as they did, but a narc mother does.
"They're your parents! A parent would never want anything bad for their children"
--not with narcissists, your pain is their joy
Or - "You would have been way better off in foster care right from the start [instead of being dead or on welfare extra help]" instead.
True Story
This is why, come Mother's Day or Father's Day, I always try to arrange to attend mass in a foreign language church (or, during the pandemic, an online church in a country that doesn't have the same Mother's Day or Father's Day) because the sermons about how wonderful parents are fills my heart with anger and resentment at the contrast with reality.
In my situation the narcs kids were my nieces and they were basically just his pieces of property to use for his evil agenda.
Yes! Or I have had the guilt trip... what if your son one day shuts you out? How would you feel?
"Don't think that other relationships are perfect." We cannot compare narcissistic relationship problems with normal/healthy relationship problems.
"But try to resolve this."
Resolution in an abusive relationship happens when the abuser takes full accountability for their actions and fixes their behavior... something that usually does not happen.
Spot on Leila, you hit the nail firmly on the head, nothing gets resolved unless they take full responsibility for their toxic behaviour.
AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF THE TOXIC IMMEDIATE/EXTENDED FAMILY MEMBERS & THEIR ENABLERS THAT I WENT NO CONTACT WITH NEARLY 9 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"You're just being sensitive"
"Well, they're still your family"
"you have to forgive them" (they proceed by trying to convince you that forgiveness requires reconnection and ignorance of the other person's behavior.)
To forgive is to let go of an emotion, that is to stop letting it have power over you. It does not include "forgetting" what they did, or ENABLING them to do it again. Those enablers want you to enable narcissistic abuse against yourself! They must be narcissists also.
Oh, churches are NOTORIOUS for saying all these things word for word, regardless of how severe the abuse and dysfunctions is !! I had to laugh at the sayings quoted here. As another saying goesust say NO
@@fogweaver5633 Hello FogWeaver, yeah I just started to hear about the
enablers and their attitude, they seem to always have an excuse for
the narcissist, and I came up with the thought that they have their own
twisted view of things. Someone actually stood up for the narc after I
told them what happened, I asked them if they were working for the narc.
yeah they got pretty upset about that. F the both of'em. So, at the end of
the day, I say enablers condone the acts of the narcissist, no matter how
twysted and evil.
@@yulyasevelova769 omg yes! The church kept telling my mom to pray for my dad so God would change him. 20 years later and over thousands of prayers, he didn't change. But my mom did leave the relationship.
@Jamie Andrick Forgiveness will work only if you shut the abuser down and cut them out of your life.
"He would never do that"
"He's not that kind of person!"
????? how would you know? You're not the one in a romantic relationship with him. 🙄
Exactly
‘Boys will be boys’...what ever that means. ‘He has a bit of a temper’...we all have a temper, but that doesn’t make the abuse okay.
And THAT is the most crazy infuriating commentary that made me feel so rageful after awhile!! People who insist your narc Is so wonderful, when they dont even know him!!! When they literally spent 2 hours of accumulated time with him in a year... One time I blew and said "No, no he's not" they both looked at me with shock. I couldn't take it after time... I held strong for 30 years... then I couldn't hold it in any more, my anger would squirt out like puke when your holding your lips closed an your cheeks are all blown out .. that was my head
YES! My ex’s mom would say “That doesn’t sound like him” and she would always use the excuse that his childhood was rough.... You are so right. Others don’t see what we see! We were actually in a relationship with them, and we saw their mask slip
A friend of my mother's told me l was wrong about my father being an abuser and my mother his enabler. I said 'you don't know what really happens behind closed doors'. Never another word out of her.
"Nobody's perfect." "They're not a bad person, they just do bad things sometimes." "Stop holding grudges."
Omg yes. When you put up strong boundaries they try to tell you that you hold grudges. Smdh lol
Stop holding grudges... Pfff!
Things I heard growing up in a family of 6 people, 4 of whom where abusive (both parents and 2 siblings).
"Oh, just *ignore* him then. You *know* what he's like!"
"Well I didn't see him do it. All I heard was *you* mouthing off again"
"Oh, for god's sake, just let her have it. It's only a [whatever she'd taken that was mine]"
"It DOESN'T MATTER! Be told!!"
"For god's sake! ANSWER him!" "But you told me to ignore him..." "Just ANSWER him!".
"Nooooo, she didn't. You're just paranoid." said in a derisive tone.
"Oh right. Little miss perfect. And I suppose you didn't say anything to cause it, did you"
"Well, that's your own fault. If you'd done / not done [something] he/she wouldn't have [done whatever]"
"Well don't go near him then"
"It's your own fault. You should stand up for yourself. Go fight your own battles"
"Don't have a go at him. You're older than he is"
...aaaaand take a breath and relax. It's over now and they're out of my life. I have a very strict policy now. Only decent people are allowed in my life. As the saying goes 'water finds its own level' and my stance is, their contaminated filthy puddle has no place near my beautiful, peaceful, blue lake. Cyber hugs to anyone who needs one. I hope we can all find our own blue lake.
Congratulations on leaving them behind! That's inspiring.
That sounds nice. Honestly I’m reading a book on Alaska and they talk about all the blue water. Looks like blue Gatorade. Sounds amazing dealing with a brother who is a narcissist and a father who is a flying monkey enabler.
"pray about it and your situation will improve"
"That's just the way he is"
"He's always been that way"
"You know he still loves you though"
"Look at all he's done for you"
My goodness! Yes I've heard all of those things too!
"Pray about it" is my favorite 😂😂
My mother in law says the first one to cover for him so that i dont leave him and the kids...
These are the things my friend says about her ex. He's the worst psycho narc I've
EVER known. He's caused his own children to hate themselves. I am a Truth Teller. Their son is also has a Truth Teller. The 19 y.o. son tried to explain to his sisters that the Dad wasn't solely picking on the daughters. The freak has caused the boys to not even be able to shed a tear! (Not even when they have had losses of close relatives.) I chimed 8n earlier today at brunch, I agreed with the son. The daughter got so pissed because she's not only his scapegoat, she's a Narc TOO!
So true Hannah...I heard things like...but you finally found a guy..you are engaged. It's a social thing..just think of how it will affect your family...he was there for you...come on..this way you'll always be alone...no relationship is perfect...yet got out of it...and it's been 1 year..I never regret the decision..hugs to all survivors
"You just need to learn to not be so sensitive."
"If it was so bad, why didn't you leave sooner? I'm not believing it."
I heard both of those. My stepfather was always telling everyone how overly sensitive I was.
Yup, heard the 1st one quite a lot.
"I'm not believing it" OOF! I keep journals. You can get dizzy with your memory spun by other people trying to tell you things happened a certain way but they didn't. So if I end up doubting an event, my journals have it. I even include what I err on, and try to be as objective as possible, and try to name an identify my emotions when these things are happening. It helps.
i heard same things all time and more" deal with your emotions"
Funny thing is they’re the sensitive one
“Look around and ask yourself why you don’t get along with anyone in the family”
This one triggers me so much 😔
Yep- I have heard these words exactly!!!
Me too.
Yep, this is so familiar
Got exactly the same thing said to me by a flying monkey, who I hadn’t seen in 2 years.
Some people just told me I deserved the abuse I was receiving or that I was the sole reason for my unhappiness. So I took responsibility of my happiness by pushing them out of my life, and became happier as a result.
That's legendary. You just played an Uno reverse card in them.
Keep going
Don't fall for their hoovering
Enabler saying “I’m just staying neutral”
oh yes, I know someone who said that ie a policeman when I was assaulted...
I'm guilty of saying this concerning my verbally abusive manager at my job. He seemed to like me and I didn't want that to change so I pussied out
Similar to what my grandma told me when I was trying to get any support and protection from her.
I was friends with a married couple for many years. One day the wife told me her daughter told her that her husband SA her when she was little. I found it extremely hard to believe but i supported her either way because of the seriousness of the accusations. As time went on red flags popped up that she was possibly lying about the whole thing. I decided to stay neutral so i could gather more information from both parties and at this point i am convinced she lied about the entire thing. While im guilty of using the phrase that im being neutral, i am glad i did. I was able to gather evidence proving she lied in order to punish her husband.
Or how about another co-worker who knows another co-worker is a narcissist but caves in from the pressure. You here then saying "yeah he seems to be mellowing out!" Yeah sure
"But he's your father!"
Which makes the abuse even worse.
I've learnt, there is no "but" and there is no "because". ill-treatment is ill-treatment. And it's really difficult when one party lacks the capacity to acknowledge that.
They will say:
"you are so ungrateful"
"you don't appreciate anything"
"you should forgive them"
SO TRUE!!!!
"They did so much for you" - What have they done (in the last 10 years), except fulfilling their duty?
‘He must’ve had his reasons!”, said to me by an enabler after my narc had canceled plane tickets without telling me, the night before we were to leave to see my first grandson‘s baptism… I was the only relative not there and I was absolutely heartbroken! This was a breaking point for me in the relationship.
Good for you. I hope everything is still going well with the break, and hope that you are now able to absolutely T H R I V E 👏
My dad would say (about narc brother abusing ex partners) well, it’s makes you think what THEY did to deserve it!’
“You shouldn’t have made him so angry.” My mom enabled my dad’s narcissistic abuse out of fear. I was labeled the instigator growing up because I had the audacity to question my dad’s skewed version of reality.
About the label of "instigator": me too! The "idea" behind the label, such as it is, is that the problem simply wouldn't exist if the "instigator" hadn't called attention to it. That's not just gaslighting; that's full on blow-torch bullshit.
Oh wow so me too...
You sound like you're the whistleblower..., Narcissists label you as the "scapegoat" and seek to destroy when you're the whistleblower personality. I'm a whistleblower.
So draining
Good for you! I wish I would have had the guts to question my parents.
“You must forgive him. You know how he is he will never say he’s sorry but you should be the bigger person and forgive him.”
Yeah, f*ck that.
I hate that “bigger person” shit. Been there, tried that; with a communal narcissist, it only becomes a competition of who the “bigger person” is.
Bingo. And fu** that!
@Jeaneane P great point!
That's right. It's on the person who is already the bigger person, to endure the behaviors of the overgrown baby of a revolting little narcissist! YOU have to keep being bigger, bigger, bigger, bigger,.... And on and on endlessly, because this poor little baby with its dreadful childhood, must never endure the stress of assuming responsibility!! 😠 😠
"It's just how she is."
"She doesn't mean it."
"She's just protective of you"
"She just cares for you."
Similar to "He loves you so much, he just isn't very good at showing it."
Kerora I have been told sooooo many times the last two you listed!!!!
Kerora I have heard sooo many times the last two you listed!!!!
Kerora in fact, you made me remember ANOTHER ONE I heard before: “Oh she just wants what’s best for you”
Ah, the classic bait and switch-- this is love tactic! So glad someone else sees through the smoke and mirrors.
"Just put the past behind you" in response to my firm boundary with the narcissist
Something I've heard from too many people who wanted to enable my abuser but stay friends: "I'm not going to take sides."
Ugh yes!! Totally misses the point doesn't it?
My mother uses this line but has already taken a side 🤦🏼♀️
Yes, and such a cowardly thing to say!
Yup. I say, "So you don't have any opinion about whether their behaviour is right or wrong? That's good to know. Thanks for telling me." 😄 Enablers don't like that. Like narcissists, they don't like being held accountable or having a light shine on their immoral complicity.
I've got that one too. 😠
The comment section makes me feel so sane and is also helping me realize just how gaslight I’ve been by my narc dad and his family!
I was just thinking the same thing.
Literally!
Understand understand understand.❤️ . Sending you a big hug.
Were all here for you :)
Doctor Romani is always right on!
"Judge someone by their intentions, not by their actions."
This dodges all accountability because people can always claim noble intentions despite hurtful behavior.
My ex would use this a lot... "it wasn't my intention to hurt you etc". I was finally fed up and asked then how are you supposed to stop hurting me when you don't even know you intend to? You don't even know you're doing it and no matter how many times I tell you, you don't listen. Therefore your intention IS to hurt me. Lol
@@ninjah8088 I had exactly same thing with mine ex. I started to telling her that if that’s the case, and she doesn’t work on herself to stop doing what she’s doing, than it same like doing it on purpose. And obv she just got offended.
My ex used this sentence all the time when I would confide with him how difficult my mother is and the way she insulted me. I realized later that he was preparing me for that sort of treatment from himself as well. It’s sort of funny how they use this as if they all read from the same manipulation tactics book
Wow you're so right. It's like when someone promises to change their behaviour (and they don't because they can't)...you want A for results, not A for effort and D for results!
An older saying “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”.
Great information. My sister is a narcissist. Everyone was afraid to incur her wrath. My ultimate defense mechanism was to leave home at 20 and never return. I am now 77 and she hasn’t changed, but at least I don’t have to deal with it. I feel sorry for my niece who does!
Can you give some examples jfc
I've said that the first abuse was from the narcissist but the second round of abuse was from the enablers after the fact. And to be honest, it's been harder to get over what happened with the enablers than with the narcissists.
I’ve developed animosity for the enablers…they helped create the thing that’s killing me…and enjoying every minute of it …they seem to enjoy the torment they cause too…the enablers
Yes yes yes yes
Never thought of it like that but Holy shit, you're so so right.
💡🙏🤔 Yep me too the enablers are who hurt me 🤷 I can ignore a stay away from the narcissist however the enablers tried to make me think it was my problem my issue and that I was crazy so now I don’t talk to any of them per THERE request 🤔 So be it
this is true i am 30 now, and i can finally understand and deal with a narcissist, i look at them like snakes never expect anything from them, even if i visit my dad, its like going to the zoo but the real problem i had for so long that i did not quite understand was my grandpa and grandma, my mother (eventually she dovorced my dad, but left me with mt narc dad, the women who decided to fell in love with my narc dad), my aunt, and almost everyone from my location. They say things like you are too sensitive, its not that bad, dont be like your dad, your dad loves you, don't be so soft, don't get mad, even praised narcs for the most narcissistic things they did.
Enabler: "You should compromise."
Me: "Compromise means that both parties give a little. I've given everything until I have no more to give. They have given nothing. Are you sure you are saying the right thing to the right person?"
Compromise is usually a lose lose
In all comprise between poison and food which wins?
This is a big one. My dad just said this one to me too. Like I never compromise.
Amen
This. Exactly.
I've heard:
"You're being Dramatic."
"You're being over sensitive."
" Don't hyper focus on what he says or does to you, just try to show him your good side."
" Be an ideal wife. "
"Be submissive".
"Be Disciplined."
" Let him say whatever, just ignore it."
" Are you sure you're not blowing this out of proportion?"
" Let him win."
" Don't talk back to him."
"Maybe YOU'RE Wrong"
"But look at how much he's achieved "
"He has a lot of other responsibilities that make him tired & grumpy to lash out at you"
"Become so tough that no matter what he says, it won't bother you"
" why do you even listen to him"
"I'm sure it's not THAT bad"
" ppl have been thru worse"
I've heard it all. I've been thru it all.
I'm glad I'm not taking my inheritance. The enabler is the worst. The enabler kept me stuck in the narcissistic family system for years and to make matters worse everyone thinks they are a good person. I cared for my enabler parent and thought I was being a loyal good child. What you said is so true the enabler can either be a co-dependant or a narcissist. I believe God has a better inheritance for me.
The weirdest thing an enabler said to me was that I caused the abuse to myself by having negative thoughts about the abuse. Law of attraction.
That "law of attraction" crap is victim blaming bullshit. Anyone who believes in it is an idiot.
Wth 😡
That is DISGUSTING
wow, that sounds like a narcissist too
OMG, those law of attraction people (who also say that we choose our parents) are just insufferable. I used to have respect for a guy named Elliott Hulse here on youtube, and then he started that crap, so I had to unsub.
“It takes two” “ what did you do to them to be that way towards you”
A therapist said this to me.
it takes two to make a relationship to work, and ONE TO DESTROY IT...
I just happen to be me and not have expensive cloths i like being simple if they can't stand it then they can buy me outfits to wear for when i see them or buy me a wig if my natural hair is to gross i refuse to do anything unnatural thats why i would do the wig that can be taken off when im done with them.
@@flowerchild3674 I tried a therapist cause of trauma her attitude was she didn't want to hear about the past odd that the next thing she brings up was my school days i mention how someone didnt like my hair at 8 years old and she wanted to focus on that seems like vanity s more important then people being seriously injured . Pick any random stranger to talk with in public and your more likely find someone with empathy plus its free I find the homeless are kind and likely to have experience in suffering Therapist likely came from money thats how they can afford a degree and commonly pretenses and stuck up look down on people not as well off thinking its somehow your fault. Hope i am not being offensive to Ramani she is one of those rarity that is almost impossible to get in real life cause her patients likely plan on sticking with her your not going to be able to find an opening like the small percent of good ones out there
What did you do to make him mad?
“Let bygones be bygones.” “You are misinterpreting the situation.” “That’s not what they said to me.” “You are over reacting again.” Bottom line: I’m wrong; the narc was right and so is the enabler. I’m the bad guy.
well that's what we called manipulation and smear campaign.. They will manipulate the situation first and then paint you as the bad guy... the most often use weapon for the narc...
Yup. Totally get it. "It's your brother. He's always been this way." Heard that one for years, or something on that order. However, "Why do you take the bait.. You always take the bait.. Perhaps you're over-sensitive. Maybe you should develop thicker skin." being said to me by my mother in front of company after I had just successfully blocked and shut down my brother's attempt to take a cheap shot at me is when I realized I was done. More than a few years later, I found myself in a situation in which I had to deal with both of them and realized nothing changed. Her enabler mask eventually slipped again, but I was better prepared for it.
How long?
@@amyrussell860 Wow, those look just like the excuses my narcissistic makes for himself. I just laugh.
You will always be the bad guy and no one really cares. Narc and enablers.
Forgot to mention my all time favorite: Everyone is like that. There is no such thing as normal.
“If he was this bad then why did you stay with him for 26 years.” This hurt the most.
Or, "After 2 marriages totaling 25 years 15 and 10 then for sure you should be embarking on a self improvement program including leaning how to be a paid tradeswoman first like a good Metis woman should and for sure you need to take a taxpayer paid life skills course first before that for getting paid work where you will learn to defend yourself after taking kick boxing lessons and where you will be learning to be 'assertive' with that too."
That’s just terrible. My mother said something similar to me once!
And it's always a rhetorical question. Not only is it a gaslight and emotionally destructive, but if you are so low you barely feel it, or know the enabler enough to know they say garbage like this and it doesn't even have the effect anymore, or you're prepared... and you begin to answer that question? They don't even listen, give you a vague weird look and continue along the narrative of the problem is *you*.
The enabler who says this is often the very reason you're still in it; you're used to be kicked around, ripped up, and unsupported, so you are equipped to be able to put up with it, you're strong yet damaged from all these nasty little ppl in your life.
Often, a mother will say that or say, "Well, they wouldn't do that to *me*!" with nothing supportive to say. Had a 911 operator say the latter to me after an assault, implying I put myself into that situation or I'm to blame for physical abuse.
Trying to shame you
“That’s just mom”
“you know how mom is”
“She’s just a little weird/quirky”
“She just can’t help it.”
My husband is a big enabler to his mother, and so is his dad. So frustrating
I was the same as your husband back in the days until I decided that my wife is more important to me then my narcissistic father so I started listening to her healthy opinion and once I did everything changed! today I can look at myself as how stupid I was by trying to justify my sick father while my wife is trying to help me get out of his control.
This sounds like how my siblings talk about my mother
yanky leifer congrats. Good human...thanks for making my morning better.
These were all things that my former wife said to me about her. Along with 'you just have to put up with her'. She & her mother refused to respect my boundaries or wishes for no contact so I had to leave.
Enabling Relatives:
“Well I don’t understand because she’s nice to me”.
“Be the bigger person”
“Just Ignore it”, “Just let it go”
“There were some good times”.
“Look at how hard they work to make you happy” .
“It says in the Bible... (Insert Misused Bible verse)”.
“Everyone else seems to get along so well” .(Lies)
“I act the same way sometimes too, just ignore it that’s how we all are”.
“They’re worried about you”.
“Life is short”.
“Be the bigger person” and “Why focus on the negative, think about all the good things! “ Yeah, I hear that crap all the time... actually, I USED to hear, until I cut off the enablers. Can’t stand hearing that s#@t anymore! Life’s too short. 😉
Enabling relatives:
"I don't want to take sides."
"I won't talk to you about him because I don't talk to him about you."
"The information I get from other family members and from the few times I visited don't add up with the things you tell me."
"I support you working it out with your brother." - this one after I'd gone on in detail about my brother abusing me and our elderly father for 2 years *and* telling this relative my brother is a malignant narcissist.
Ugh. And “a my mother died when I was very young. You should appreciate yours”
“She’s the only one you have”
“Can I say, she’s sooooo sweet”
“She just can’t pick up the phone sometimes because she’s so ill” (doesn’t pick up so others will worry)
And my favorite “what are you trying to do? What do you want to happen?? What is your goal for putting your mom through this?”
@@minoozolala Wow...This is exactly what I heard from my sister about my narc brother. But mine went on to tell me that I need to patch things up "for Mom". I actually think she wanted me to patch things up to get the narc brother from bothering her. Since I went no contact, I'm sure she's getting an earful. It's much easier for the enabler to sit on the sidelines and just watch the show from a safe distance.
I 😅 laughed as I recalled hearing those words repeatedly (escaped goat here). NC with family. Wahoo
This type of learning should be taught in schools. We need to give people the swords they need to defend themselves from the snakes in the garden.
"the bible says honor your father and mother" as if this somehow disregards everthing else the Bible says.
Sometimes honoring means not dishonoring them with your words to other people or to their face. Honouring (note: Canadian spelling lol) could mean covering their shame (think of Noah when he got drunk)...
Honoring your parents does not mean tolerating abuse and letting them abuse you.
the bible also says "don't provoke your children into anger."
THIS ONE
@@jaidreonnerichard7949 Lol. I always quote this scripture right back to them.
@@jaidreonnerichard7949 I also say be merciful and kind to one another
Quick Summary:
1. "That person had a tough backstory;" or "they were spoiled as a child" (thus excusing their behavior)
2. "They didn't mean it; they didn't mean it the way you took it (questioning/ invalidating you)
3 I never had a problem with them (because they are enabling them!)
4. It'll get better, just be patient. (maintaining status quo; and allowing the narcissist to face no consequence)
5. It's not that bad ( minimizing; gas-lighting )
6. Stop complaining! Let it go! They provide for you. (playing into guilt)
*Set boundaries with both narcissists AND their enablers. *
As usual, a great presentation. Thank you Dr R!
Maybe it's you. Maybe you have a mental health problem and should see about that before you put the blame on them.
They even say this when the two people don't know each other. WOW!!
This is literally the best advice ever! I see how a lot of people will advise to go no contact with a narcissist, but I feel like you really have to go no contact with a narc and all of the narc's enablers.
So basically any excuse that defends the narcissist
Thank you for this!!
#2 hurts, esp from my Mother - “I don’t think he MEANT to hurt you,” and “He understands, and he doesn’t want to hurt you…” :(
Not cool, Mom. Not cool.
"They really have a good heart. They just can't show it."
This one is the winner
Soooo often my dad says about my mother’s emotional and verbal abuse and zero respect for my boundaries, “She means well, she has the best heart of anyone.” And the fact that my father is a narcissist, and my mother shows signs of being one and has been manipulated by narcissists her entire life (her mother and now my father), it’s just…it’s a lot.
@@JediJuniper92 no contact.
He’s really empathetic...
Used HEAVILY in church circles.
My narc is my mom and I was told many times "she's under a lot of pressure. It will get better."
Or
"She's not that bad you'll understand when you're older"
Or
"All mothers love there children she loves you in her own way"
And the most hurtful one came from another family member.
" People treat you the way to teach them to treat you."
"They did the best they could."
"Oh, he didn't mean it."
"Oh Honey, YOU must have misunderstood the situation."
"...but he really does love you."
"Oh, he had a tough childhood."
“…And who are you to question him?”
"Don't disrespect your parent."
I think I have a text on my phone right now with "Oh you misunderstood."
Omg... yes all of these 🥲
“You aren’t an angel either.” Especially when highlighting reaction to abuse. When you were a child.
Last year my father said this to me
I have no idea where all your anger comes from, your mother and I were never angry at or around you
Hahaha
Yeppppp....
Ahhh sh!!!!t my cocaine addicted narc is talking about me drinking as if it’s comparable. I quit for 4 years to prove her wrong. Nothing changed. I have MS MDD GAD PTSD ADHD and multiple sclerosis. I finally asked her to leave a month ago. She’s still here
“You aren’t perfect “ I heard 100000x !! No but I was never verbally or physically abusive
Mine was "you guys didn't have it so bad. I didn't beat you or anything."
About a mother, “I know she loves you, in her own way.”
About a spouse, “ He gave you that nice car, and you’re complaining?”
Or, “All guys do that. Count your blessings.”
Or, after the divorce “ Come over for dinner, by the way, we invited him too, hope you are OK with that.” I’m really not OK with that. It’s kind of insulting. You don’t have the brass to make a different plan? Let me help you... “no thanks, I have other plans.”
If only I had a nickel for every time someone's told me my mom loves me in her own way, I'd be able to afford therapy sessions with Dr. Ramani.
Lol yes. It's like he bought you a car and a house. Clearly one car = 127 passes at abusing you.
@@cherokeenevin3763 hahaha.. yes. That's the dream, honestly.
OMG the "all guys do that" ......yes so common. I don't think people realize how they're enabling narcissists when they say that though.
I'm literally sick of people loving or caring in their own way.
"Your mom with die one day. You'll wish you had a mother."
"Honor your father and mother."
"Christmas is a time to set aside differences and forgive."
-Says the people who weren't abused their entire life by their mother.
They are so big on manipulating with dying.. My narcissist father has the tendency of yelling that “he will die and I will regret it”, when I don’t let him suck me into his drama. And my borderline/covert narc mother is manipulating with “who will take care of her when she gets old..”.
I have always wished I had a mother instead of a narcissist.
There's nothing honourable about people who abuse and neglect children.
"Differences" is for subjective preferences among equally meritorious choices (eg, flavours of ice cream). Child abuse is not a difference of opinion; it's wrong. Non-negotiable.
@@lousialb8962 I finally woke up to acknowledging my narc mother and how she destroyed my entire life and my relationship with my siblings and father. No this people don’t deserve a second chance just because their birthed us. There’s no coming back from a child abuse..nothing!! It’s just so sick..
Yes,I've been told this.Sorry but im done with that nonsense.
Well, mine's been dead a few years now, & gosh, it's not too different from all the years she _was_ alive that my entire chest cavity was nothing but a giant gaping hole, wishing I had a mother. Biggest difference is she's not around to try any hoovering or furthering abuse against her grandchildren. Ding Dong the witch is dead!!!
"He's you're dad. His disciplining you. He just want you to be a better person." Fast forward 20 years later. Still the same man. And im so messed up AF.
Divorce all their a** and start healing!
"he is your parent and wants the best for you" "that's the only dad you get"
"He had a difficult childhood.", "He loves you so much!", "He's crazy about you that is why he is that way!"... He's crazy alright!
The first sentence hit home.
Omg yeah. ‘It’s love making him behave this way’ he loves me so much to be cheating right
"He had a difficult childhood" makes my skin crawl! Um, he's not the only one who's had one but they're not all toxic!
Boom. Ive heard that...
Mandisi Buthelezi exactly!
My mother-in-law was assaulted repeatedly in marriage when my husband was growing up, as was I. Her husband cheated on her repeatedly as well as her son did to me. When I filed for divorce she tried to talk me out of it saying, "You just have to live with that to be married." I've lived 32 years as a single woman now!
Go, sister! "live with that".....I don't think so. You (mother in law) ...maybe....us....no. I applaude you for not accepting that line of crap. You are worth being treasured as a wife!
Yes girl! Nice one 👍
People who allow certain things usually want you to accept the unacceptable just because they do it, in other words, they impose their beliefs on others. So if they believe they deserve to be treated like shit, the want you to accept that you deserve the same shit. A couple of years ago I was working for a company and there was no heating, it was really cold but my puffy-eyed coworker turned around and said to me: "that's the way it is, don't complain about it, I've been working here for x years and I had to bear the cold in the winter and the heat in summer". Well, then, do I have to applaud you? Haha :'D ridiculous!
When I was pregnant my ML said to “us” (while looking at me) “if any of you cheat I will beat you” (her husband cheated for years and left her for his mistress and is still married to her) her son (my husband) cheats on me for years and all I ever heard was he needs help, he loves you, he doesn’t mean it, let him back home, etc. She treats me like garbage has tried to break us up (saying I am not good enough because I don’t clean or handle our child to her standards and so much more, but pretty much I am not good enough for her son is the point she likes to make) but when I try to leave she won’t let it go and calls me like crazy. Now we live together I am battling cancer and I am miserable and my husband won’t stick to any plan or therapist. I feel so stuck. (I suffer from BPD and past childhood abuse. I am in therapy right now but can’t do much while I am finishing treatment)
Yep! My ex's mom, when my divorce papers included abuse, "Well, he didn't beat you ..."
Enablers will often change their narrative when one is pushed back against. It's how you can tell they're accustomed to the mental gymnastics necessary to keep enabling abusers - They see no issue with immediately changing their rationale, even if it contradicts themselves from just a moment prior.
I have seen that, too. The enabler went from protecting the kids to protecting her money.
I grew up being molested by my father, and my mom didnt protect me or my sister. Then after he left we were subject to her constant emotional abuse, neglect, and projection where we should have had healthy mirroring. The first time I opened up to my aunt (moms sister) about what happened w my dad she went into a monologue about how hard that time was for mom. Countless other examples but that was the worst for me. Had a distant but strained relationship for years but it was just out of guilt on my end. Recently went no contact and cutting these people out of my life is the best thing Ive ever done.
Good for you!!! Big hug!!!
So sorry. I cut mine out of my life too. Good for you! It is not an easy thing to do, but it is so much better living without the abuse.
Yes, nomatter how hard something is for you, it's always harder for the narcessist, isn't it? It's truly sick. I'm glad you went no contact. I wish you the best.
IT takes courage to admit the truth in public however a lot of people don't see it that way.
"they just have anger issues"
"that's just them being them!"
"just ignore what they say and don't let it get to you"
“That’s just them being them” I’ve heard a lot also!
Then bring them yasssss
Oh, He has parkinsons. That's why you get the silent treatment--he cannot talk too fast, said the enabler.
His back hurts today. You( as a child) should understandthat when he says you are a worthless, stupid, incompetent human, that always does everything wrong, and that nobody actually cares about you and that they only fake being your friend to get something from you, then you should think "my dad only has bad pain today he does not mean anything he says "😡
Oh my god! That's just what my female restaurant boss just told me this week on my last day. I quit because of the way a creepy cook was treating me. I went to my kitchen managers and told them he made me uneasy.
She said all of those things, then said I overreacted, was too sensitive, I had no right doing a criminal background check on him (found a long rap sheet on my state's official site) said I was "broken" from past abuse, said I was clearly "spiraling", and to go home and seek help.
Meanwhile the man who csme onto me and stalked me and played the poor little boy card was excused.
The worst one was when she said we've decided that YOU are the problem here. A woman came to her management with a legitimate concern and was gaslighted and shamed.
When I said one of my bosses was rude for yelling at me, she cut me off and said, "You seem to be sensitive when people raise their voices to you."
Good thing I've been listening to Dr. Ramani for a long time. Got home, shook off the dirt, and the future belongs to me.
With me gone he'll require a new victim. Sick, sick cultures some restaurants are.
"Its as though providing material comforts is some kind of get out of jail card for emotional abuse."
We were just toys for them, like a blender, a bike, or stuffed animal. Explains why the trouble starts when you become a teenager, you start to animate your own thoughts and opinions, and they think " what? Who are you to be your own person " well maybe it's time you get a job and get on out of here, think that would be best for everyone.
I couldn't agree more. My mum regularly bring up the fact that my dad provided for me therefore l still need to maintain contact with him regardless of him being a horrible narc.
His "back story" is the reason I stayed for 43 years!!! Plus the mental health monsters lied and never told me what a narcissist was just fed me 20,000 PILLS & 25+ years of worthless therapy for bipolar depression instead of the TRAUMA I TALKED ABOUT EVERY WEEK!!!
"We are so worried about you"
"You should get some help"
"what's wrong with you?"
"you're way too sensitive!"
"are you depressed?"
"he/she didn't mean it"
"that's just their personality"
"he/she is just very stubborn"
"we think you're depressed?"
"there's always a problem with you!"
"why do you always have to have an issue with everything?"
"what's the matter?"
"why are you behaving this way?"
"you complain about everything"
Saying all this after doing absolutely heinous things and Stamping on your boundaries. The gaslighting is shocking.
My answer: there is nothing wrong with me. You won't deflect away from the issues at hand. Your behavior is wrong and you all know this and no amount of subject changing, excuses or enabling will work with me. And then they proceed to get angry or attack. Smdh. Its best to cut these people out. I've noticed that when it came to a point where you put boundaries down with the narc and they had to apologise this created a narc injury and they have been attempting to punish me ever since. I'm done. And am going solid grey rock with said person.
Your words hit the hards i want to cry im going grey rock i support you n you are amazing n beautiful person you are worthy of love n kindness 💝
the best solution, it’s sad somehow but the only way!
Thank you. Exactly the same things I heard myself.
OMG! in this deep right now....I think just this week I finally realized how much abuse I have endured from my father and my enabling mother. Just this am since I set a new boundary ....and he disovowed me from the family..."this is your mother and you need to stop this "trial" you have placed your father on. He loves you. I am worried about your health..." she has since involved my sister; the invisable child and my Golden child older brother and is attempting to wrangle my husband in as well that..." I am not well."
So true! If I could give you a million thumbs up, I would. Be strong!!! You deserve Better!!!!!!
"You are just overrracting..."
This one gets me boiling every time
Or even better when they try to level the playing field by saying...."Yes he did this, but your reaction was wrong...so everybody needs to take responsibility"
When you challenge narc behavior it makes narc enablers look at themselves, something that makes them very uncomfortable. You make them look bad simply by being honest and real.
THIS!
Yes!They are emotionally screwed!They think like children and driven to be centre stage.When caught I am told I am a headache, no they are and responsible for screwing their children's lives up.Good luck to them I've never come across so many.Highky respected, vued members of society on how much money.They are the head cases not me.Being Honest is not a mental illness.Wanting to deal with conflict is not a sign of mental illness-they behave like pathetic children.As long as I'm okay who gives a shit!Thank christ we're not all the same.Unbelieveable.So called intelligent people. Are they good decent honest caring people-and they are not.
Right.
Tried it and they go right back to their enabling ways and it turns into me getting yelled at by the narc for being "ungrateful."
I did this recently and could sense that she went and showed him the texts I sent (enabler initially supported me and now is FRIENDS with him AND works with him!! I’ve Unfriended and blocked her too now. Not worth the energy
"Your parents are great, they do so much for you and are so kind, you're having a distorted perception because you were adopted and have issues because of that."
"Your parents did and paid for everything for you, you had a happy childhood, ballet lessons, horseriding and holidays, you are ungrateful. They just have a different way of showing love."
#6 totally hits the spot!!!