Narcissists And Their Flying Monkeys
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 ก.ย. 2024
- Flying monkeys is the term for those who surround the narcissists in a supportive, enabling role. While they may not be as overbearing as the narcissist, they can create great frustration. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter identifies primary features of the flying monkeys, then discusses how you can opt out of their dysfunctional mannerisms.
Are you ready to break free from the controllers in your life? If so, sign up for Dr. Carters brand new course Free to Be HERE: survivingnarci...
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and psychotherapist with 38 years experience in the Dallas, Tx. area. He has conducted many workshops and over 60,000 counseling sessions.
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Dr. Carter's other TH-cam Channel: / drlescarter
Dr. Carter's online workshops on narcissism, anger management, and overcoming affairs: drlescarter.com...
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Lost my family, lost my inheritance, but gained my independence, my freedom, and my honor. You can’t buy that. Thanks for the message. It helped me feel assertive and confident in my choice to walk away. You are a blessing.
Thank you very much! Dr. C
So did I and now this Covid thing and I'm not working. Narcs are all doing very well because they have pensions. Afraid I will lose my home and then they will have a real field day. They told me I would 'fall flat on my face' if I left them. I would have been ok if this stupid virus thing hadn't wrecked everything! I don't want to have to turn to them for money (not that they'd give it)
The price you were paying was much too high obviously, so you really Didn't lose anything. Gaining your freedom is priceless.👍
Me too!
@@l.5832Hope all turned out well for you.
For those of us who do not always have extra money to talk with a professional, this has become an invaluable resource for me. Your knowledge of the subject brings healing. I'm very grateful for the work you do!
That's why I do it! thanks for these good comments. Dr. C
💓
Get insurance
@@Dogcatlover2432 and when you have excellent insurance but no one can get you in for months???. I feel like we were & are ill prepared for the masses but hey - if your paying 2k a month & need a little insight- Subscribe! You are clearly not a healthcare personal in the states & your advice is to most- a slap in the face. Tbh
@@SurvivingNarcissism amen,Dr.C
"Never underestimate stupid people in large numbers!" -George Carlin
Gustav Le Bon "The psychology of crowds"
“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” - Edmund Burke ;)
Yup!! carlin's warning was real A TRUE EMPATH coach!!!!.... NARCISSIST + NCP = FLYING MONKEYS!!!! GOT IT!!.,✌️
@@anaclaudiacabral101 They're not even good men. They do nothing because they don't care unless it's done to them.
Yeah Trump has shown that really clearly
They hate you just being yourself..... Which is an insult....move on.
I don’t like them either to it’s a mutual feeling now !!!
LOL
@Lake Natron true dat...
@@sensorit1045 Amen, horrible group of soulless people that have
NO
TOLERANCE
COMPASSION
RESPECT
UNDERSTANDING
COMMON SENSE...
The only thing they don't hate is what they can get out of you.
I was surrounded by flying monkeys for years. I tried to plead my case to make them see how wrong this insanity is. I walked away from it.
Thank you for loving your soul enough to leave
People who hate you for being yourself because they only have the best interests for themselves, and not you.
Very true. I agree. I know my talents and can learn independently , but my narc sees this and explodes. So, to make me look bad he will spread a rumor or a lie about me to other family members or people close to me. That will make them suspicious of me or spy on me when there is nothing wrong with me. I am in a rut where the narc has sold his words onto my family members, now everyone is on my case. Reality, I am good intentions but to the narcissist false reality everyone should see me as the problem. It is really stupid because they know they feel bad inside and wrong for mean behavior. At the ends, they hurt themselves on their own.
Beautifully put deeply true
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Flying Monkeys: th-cam.com/video/P8p8wRc6fYA/w-d-xo.html
SO TRUE. They wish they were as secure as those who can be themselves. 😊
My sister was my parent's monkey, and now her husband and children are her monkeys... It's an inherited circus I left long long ago.
When you leave the narcissist you must leave all the flying monkeys too. Each and every one. Even the ones who are genuinely fooled by the narcissist. You must leave no crack or the rot will get back in. Sorry, but it must be a clean sweep.
I had a flying monkey get all red in the face and steam coming out of their ears because I would not react to underhanded digs.
My mom says terrible demeaning crap and the next breath she denies it..then i go grey rock and she acts like a martyr..
creator yes!!!!!!! Exactly I’ve seen that happen
That is simply wonderful.
@Varekai Ascendant so sad
U busted the demons. The steam is the dead demons . Lol
My siblings just accept the lies told about me without even asking me for my side of the story. Then cut me off meaning I cannot fix it even if I wanted to. It's especially abusive and all because I'm the scapegoat.
It's so difficult to resist the urge to "wake" the flying monkeys from their stupor when you see them falling all over the narc that is ruining your life. I've had them tell me how "lucky" I am. Really? It's surreal and maddening to watch them.
@@justChrisjones I'm sorry; I know how difficult that is to hear.
These people are ridiculously low in self awareness. Dr. C
Yeah yeah you don't appreciate your abuser enough...Don't take the narc for granted!
It is, and if you even try to explain what is happening to them....oh boy, you are now in trouble. I am the target and I no longer care, lol. They do come to me with
questions like "Why is he so fake?" If you tell them why, they can't take it, and run away and tattle tale. I feel sorry for the Flying Monkeys ....they don't know who to trust.
It's watching insanity. Step away and don't disclose your business to them. They are like stalkers....they need your business, to be what they are. Let them find someone else to abuse. They need us....WE DO NOT NEED THEM.
I believe narcissists have the talent of spotting insecure people in your circle that can become an effective flying monkey. Certain flying monkeys want to basque in the attention the narc is giving them. Deep in their psyche the flying monkey is weak minded and wants to attach to the bully (narcissist). These type of flying monkeys lack a backbone. What they fail to realize is that the narc stops giving them attention when they are ineffective in breaking you. Narcs are easily bored.
Right
Is narcissism a mental illness. Surely it can’t be normal to behave in such a despicable way to others? Is it caused by bad parenting? Have they not been brought up to be kind and considerate towards others? Why would anyone deliberately and systemically hurt their nearest and dearest unless they were in some way mentally ill?
Some narcissists recruit family members against you, the target. By appealing to their sense of fairness. They'll convince them that you're the bad guy & they are the innocent victim. So they get ppl so angry to fight their battles trying to Right the Wrong. Do Justice they'll say.
Oh yeah. Pretty devious, isn't it. Dr. C
This is what I have been experiencing with my in-laws against me. It's just awful.
This is me with my husband and in laws. They drive me crazy.
@@anjalinangia8504 Same for me and I just don't attend their gatherings anymore, avoid them on social media and don't contact them or give them any fuel for their gossip. If I do have to see them I just act dry af. I feel so much better.
True!
Be yourself; people won’t like you anyway #loveyourselffirst
Spot on. Dr. C
Brynn Stoll ya. no shit. i dont give a fuck what brainless drones think
Brian Stoll Thank you that gave me a real chuckle and smile; I needed that..!! Seems its true..lol
So true. We can't please everyone so we may as well make ourselves happy.
funny . that reminds me of an old girlfriend I had . I would tell her that "I hate everybody , but I only dislike you" she would always smile
NO CONTACT.
Had to figure who I was.
"see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil". Flying monkeys - the ideal employee companies love...
This makes SO much sense. If you’re looking for validation from them forget it, the flying monkeys will watch you die and see to it. Much of the time you receive so much pounding or bullying from the narcissist is because you have enough moral sense to not conform to being a flying monkey. And you sleep well because of that. The most difficult part is setting boundaries on how you’re treated.
Assertiveness can be quiet bravery to stand up for yourself. I love that.
Truth!
This is the story of my life.I have always been an easy target for narcissists and their clique.I am not a follower and I don't enable people.I have been bullied by those.
Flying Monkeys: th-cam.com/video/P8p8wRc6fYA/w-d-xo.html
An independent thinker is the narcissists nemesis. But the cost is often a long, hard road until we learn the patterns or red flags to avoid the Queen bees who run the hives in the first place. This, from one who got many a lump on the noggin before learning how to see the handwriting on the wall. :)
You are so on point. Thanks. Dr. C
I've come to the conclusion that I'm the nemesis of the narcissists' in my life and boy, am I ever paying the price; Living with integrity in this world is not easy, but I persevere on....
@@smilebonita5019do keep on... it may not be easy to have integrity and walk away fr groupthink. but it is worth it.
one thing I found helpful to say when the flying monkeys hovered to data mine for the queen is: "I'm not comfortable discussing that, but thanks for your concern or Thanks for understanding." And then talked about the weather. One narcissist send in over 15 flying Monkeys to poke and gather intel, so it can be exhausting. That funny pattern they have of pretending to side with you, the target of the Ns smear, is a classic to get you to spill the beans on queenie who started the smear. So they can distort and report back the juicy morsel to headquarters and win their brownie points. Hold on to your beans! lol. :)
M.J. Bodhi, It sure feels that way sometimes, doesn't it?! I laughed out loud when I read your comment. Thanks for sharing that. :) p.s. I just saw the old classic movie from the 70s, Soylent Green the other day. That's the Ns pipe dream, but escape and evasion is possible. :D
Every narcissist has a monkey army, it seems. Attack the narcissist, and relatives and friends will defend the narcissist blindly, like robots. They are totally brainwashed. My sibling turned her whole family against me. It's bullying on the highest level.
Welcome to Global Fascism. Thanks to political Flying Monkeys... There's no shortage in them, they're all over the place 😞
The narc is so pathetic and weak that they need their little mini bullies to feel strong...reminds me of very immature playground nonsense.
Its abuse by proxy
Exactly.
@@MrAllysonn They are all abusers and are all equally guilty.
@@carrie8541 I have cut tie with most of family member and friend because of it. I am so free and yes all guilty.
Freedom is fabulous!
Essential! Dr. C
Freedom is the best feeling...
Yessssss!!!
💯👏
Looking forward to it!!!
To achieve freedom I had to go no contact , highly recommend the grey rock technique. Just slip out the back Jack, make a new plan Stan.
Hop on the bus, Gus. Dr. C
Where were you 20 years ago, Doc? Better late than not at all. Thank you for your enlightening videos. You are the validation and encouragement many of us have needed to understand this type of behavior. Thank you!
20 years ago I was cranking away, just not on You Tube. Glad you are on board. Dr. C
-Hi Doctor
This is what I'm going through now with family court have lost my kids who believe my ex cause he has a high profile job
@@SurvivingNarcissism Dr. C We didn't have You Tube 20 years ago, and the internet was a Brand New Word for most of us hahaha. Guess I'm showing my age maybe but it's true. I first heard about the internet in 1998 when I went back to school. Didn't have a clue what it meant at the time though, and it of course has it's good points and it's not so good points too, hahaha!!! One of the best points is now with You Tube we are now able to learn how to cope after abuse in much healthier ways and how to identify the signs & red flags of abusers, because of knowledgeable and caring people like you Dr. C - For this I can not express my gratitude enough here in words in order to tell you how very much I truly appreciate your Videos. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I'm sending you virtual Hug of appreciation from Canada!!!
How about be grateful now? I guess you are not quite berating the good doctor.
Flying Monkeys: th-cam.com/video/P8p8wRc6fYA/w-d-xo.html
I listened to another person speak about this using the term triangulation, meaning the narcissist develops a "fan club" to which they sit on the top of and often lies about their spouse or victim in order to save their self-respect.
My father was the flying monkey and my mother was the Wicked Witch X10!!!. My father enabled my Mother and looked the other way while she brutally beat or slapped my brother and I when we were children. If she said we were bad--the so be it. I really thought that all children were treated this way until I got older and realized they were not. To this day my father is her Flying Monkey and he is 83!
It's pitiable. Hope you are at a much better place emotionally. Dr. C
I am in a better place and as an adult feel the need for extreme security. I live in a high security building where we have security 24/7-just in case my Narc parents decide to (yet again) look me up. I have let it be known in family circles that if she does even so much as try to contact anyone at my office that the police will be called. If she appears at my residence somehow (she has the skills of an FBI detective), that security will be asked to remove her and the police will be called. I am no contact as stated in my previous entry and I have no idea why these Narcs continue to try to find out where I am, where I work and what I am doing and who I know. My mother would also call anyone who knows me if she could. All my phone numbers are unlisted and changed every few years. I feel like a hunted animal sometimes by this woman who abused us and told us we would never amount to anything and showed no interest in us in our formative years. She is now 83 years old and I am constantly amazed by the stories I hear from relatives who also are no contact.
My father was like that too! He was born by 1937.
Well, I guess it was the mentality back then? Kids got to be seen, not heard!...
@@Jenniferde2007
Good for you!
You have a right to privacy and peace. So extraordinary circumstances call for extraordinary measures - sad as it is.
All the best to you and stay safe!!
@@Jenniferde2007 I totally relate to you. Similar story with me but my parents are 86
You are such a clear and reasonable man and I appreciate that you’re not judgmental. Stress just rolls right off when listening to you!
That makes me smile. Thank you for these kind comments. Dr. C
I completely agree. Dr. C is such a gift to everyone on both sides of Narcissism.
So true. He has a calming tone.
If offense is the best defense in football, so it is with a narcissist. Being assertive, not aggressive is a fine line, but to maintain a manageable sense of self it is crucial. When on the receiving end of offensive behavior, it is natural to become defensive. It seems defensive behavior simply fuels the narcissist. Stand by your decisions, know they are healthy for you, be assertive, not aggressive. Walk away if the barrage of offense is too painful. Loving a narcissist is an abject lesson in self control.
Great comments. Dr. C
Thank you Dr. C....
Dr. C, I have a whole family full of these minions who are too weak minded and spineless to stand up to 2-3 narcissists in the family. It’s absolutely pathetic! I have finally removed myself from the snake pit.
It becomes a culture of group think. Glad you're out. Dr. C
So funny that the cowardly lion, tin man, & scarecrow represent the covert narc persona in that feel they don't have courage, heart, or brains; attach to Dorothy the empath who wants to help; seeks guidance from healthy/good glenda; & who is drawn to the overt narc wizard & in search of truth, exposes his fake narc façade.
Never thought about how the other characters played into this until just now. Thank you!💕
I'll have to revisit all those characters! Dr. C
Poor Dorothy, was all alone in her journey
And completely incapable of ever being wrong or having ever told a lie.
I am no contact for 39 years by the way with both of them. They deserve each other.
Thts a long time, congratulations!
It was not easy at first, but over time you will get more confidence. It helps when other family members also feel as you do and have also gone no contact.
J Lee you go girl
Good going, J Lee. I was no contact for 15 years and came back two years ago, hoping it would work somehow. But it's worse so I'm leaving again.
I feel your pain. I was raised by a narcissistic mother who brutally abused me until I got big enough to take her down. Why didn’t my dad stop her????? He’s gone and I have so many questions
Love how you explain Narcissism, I only wish I knew all this 20 years ago. Better late than never I guess.
Glad you're figuring it now, as opposed to 20 years from now! Dr. C
Flying Monkeys: th-cam.com/video/P8p8wRc6fYA/w-d-xo.html
All my aunts, uncles and cousins. So it is just me and my one son that sees thru the mess. We are good by ourselves, and have a real, true, and authentic relationship. I thank God for my son who pointed out to me how bad my own mother treats me. He will not allow it anymore.
Glad you have support close to you.
I went no contact recently with my narcissistic mother because I'd finally had enough of the emotional abuse and trauma. Growing up, she could not and did not show me love or affection. The last straw for me was when she aggressively called me rude when I stood up to one of her friends after he said something I felt was insulting to me. Well, sure enough, my grandmother, whom I'm very close with, just requested I text my mother to let my mother know "all is well." Really? No thanks. Again, narcissism rears its ugly head. Clearly, my mother has gotten to my grandma and is attempting to use her to get to me. Texting her or breaking my own no contact rule would benefit.... Her, not me. That there is the problem. It's always been about her. I'm done with that. I'm focusing on embracing my own needs now and getting them met. And, the next time my grandmother oversteps my boundaries at it pertains to my mother I will respectfully say, "I called to see how you were doing, not talk about my mother." Damn it feels good to be woke and independent.
I'm about to leave my job for the reasons you have explained so well 👍
Congratulations! 🎈🎊🎉
Just went no contact with the narc sibling 4 days ago. Just realized the flying monkey concept and it is true. Flying monkeys have made 3 sly attempts to hurt me since no contact with the narc. That's why I had to look up this video and it is so right on what I've experienced in the past, but couldn't accept. Its a family situation. Since no contact with the narc I feel like the gates of hell are closed!!! Free at last!
Can relate. Went no contact with a narc sibling two years ago. In July, we sold our house and moved 6 hours away to another state. Have no intention of telling him where exactly I'm living or ever having him visit. Done. I'm 57 he's 69.
Hallelujah! I've finally adopted the same attitude.
Got my first flying monkey, told her not to lower herself by participating in family dysfunction and triangulation. Then put her on ignore. Feels good!
I'm smiling. Dr. C
This is what they call gang stalking
I am listening to this again five years later, and it's making so much sense, after learning from Dr Carter every week, all this time. I can practise calm assertiveness now, even when a flying monkey comes at me with shame and blame, glorifying the late narcissist tormentor. So grateful!
Yes. Yes. Yes. I have a cluster of flying monkeys in my reality. They r exactly as u describe. This is unbelievable. Truly astounding is the analysis...i didn't know this was a THING. I resisted & stood up 4 myself, and it has gotten me absolutely NOWHERE. Point by point ur description is sooooo accurate, I feel shocked that this message resonates so very deeply. It does help to know that I'm not the crazy one. Whew!!!!🖤
When we leave them alone, and live a peaceful life without them.....they will contact you to 'find you'....because to be who they are, they need someone to push down. That's the crazy part. We learn that WE DO NOT NEED THEM.....but they do need us. When we stay away, they will do it to someone else.
I'm so glad I watched this.
Such valuable insight.
I managed to escape years of abuse from my mother. I claimed my freedom!
And the rejection was worth it.
Once you stand up for yourself, you have a high probability of rejection, as you learned. But then you have to ask, If I stayed, what price would I have to pay? It's too high. Dr. C
I know how it is, my family just ganged up on me because of my delusional narc sisters full of jealousy and envy try to keep me isolated and stop me from getting ahead
I’m experiencing a flying monkey cluster.. very sad creatures.. Stay focused on your freedom.. TWOO.. great analogy 🎯
LOL. Flying monkey cluster is funny. But I'm sure it is true.
We left a church with a Pastor like this!
You'd like to think that a pastor (of all people) would appreciate traits like humility, empathy, kindness, and affirmation. Amazing. What's sad is that you're not the only person in this boat. Dr. C
I’m leaving a church with a narcissist pastor too.
Gosh this doc is sooooo good !
That makes me smile. Dr. C
Yes, he is one of the best. Always simple way explaining .... thanks doctor.
Craig malkin
Your research, judgement and reasoning are impeccable and easy to absorb... I would think you are an EINSTEIN of psychology...Thanks for the knowledge...it help many confusing victims.
I was disowned by my "family" but I do me.... it's a high price but worth every penny
My wife just opted out of her abusive relationship with her sister who fits every details you described. She feels so much better since the break. It took her years of abuse to come to this decision. I am so glad she took this serious step. I also had the same things happened to me with my own father. It take courage, but in the end it may be the best decision you ever make. Thanks for the imput.
I have very little communication with my family because of a very sadistic covert narcissist sister-in-law. Some of my family does not see any of her manipulation and cruelty and others see very little. I see more than anyone because she started abusing me at the age of six everyone else were adults when she entered the family. She is also very jealous of my artistic and creative abilities. Most of them are her flying monkeys. It is sad how people would rather believe a lie than search out the truth.
It's like they are committed to intellectual laziness. Dr. C
Ditto
For 14 years I lived with me being the demon, the one with all the problems, the one who had to take the blame to keep my family together. but as I got older and I stumbled on your videos and I began to understand what the real reason was. now everything starts to make sense thank you Dr Lee.
Glad you are free
The key phrase that awakened me a few years ago was, narcissists need scapegoats. Then I realized at age two why I thought all adults were insane.
Les**
Paying the price of losing myself was higher than the price of losing my mother's side of the family
Thank you. Dr I left the church. I was going crazy I been through so much. People talking slander me drama . flying monkey s snakes and all of that. I was going out w a narc. And I felt so oppress and depress . reject ed. Devalue and humiliated. I decided to leave. And I felt free. I am free . liberated. Amen.
Norma Deluna
Amen, Jesus sets us free. May God bless and keep you ♥
Well said, and put out in a down-to-earth way that anyone can understand.
You have a gift of clarity, analysis and clear communication, sir. Bravo.
Thanks Uncle Claw. I appreciate your ongoing support! Dr. C
“It’s never going to be good for you” this is clearly valid thinking.
Appreciate this.
There are so many of these Narcs and their as you say Flying Monkeys. What you have described I see every day. Being an Introvert I try to avoid both company at all costs. Being not prepared to be one of these monkeys has excluded me from a lot of things, which is fine as I have learned to live with it. Yes and also within family group too.
There are those who know who they are and what is real. Congratulations.
Lol not playing their games drives them crazy 😜
Ah...poor them...lol
This video was much needed encouragement for me today. Especially today bc he has his coworkers thinking I am rude bc I didn't go out to a work party with him after he told me not to come. My husband is a genius when it comes to surrounding himself with flying monkeys. It took me almost a decade to see that he has not ONE close friend though....
When this type of abuse happen, the price you have to pay is very high.
Luckily in my case it was among friends, rather easier to get out.
Still, it took me years. Young kids must know this knowledge.
Yes, the earlier a person learns about this, the better. Dr. C
gangstalking is the highend punishment
It is especially sad when it is a family member...distancing is key.
Hello from France
All I got to say is :"A.M.E.N:" Dr Carter.
For decades those diabolics individuals used to say that I was the problem. That I have too much imagination. That I'm crazy :" What's wrong with you:"???
Thanks Dr ; D
You don't fit into the N's world, that's what's wrong with you...and that's what's right with you! Dr. C
My experience as well 🙄
Surviving Narcissism, it most certainly is a blessing
@@crackerjack5210 yes, a million times over...
@@SurvivingNarcissism I like this comment! I AM different from my narcissistic mother and 3 flying monkey siblings. At aged 61, I have finally decided that it's okay to be a little "quirky!"(I'm the only musician, writer and artist in the bunch). At least....I'm never BORING(lol!)
Yes, in my last life I had to join FMA, Flying Monkeys Anonymous, to build my resolve. This life, I courageously broke away and am steel against their narc-y ammunition!! I lived to tell and shamelessly joke about it! SO much better.
A 'Flying Monkeys Anonymous' - hee hee. Popped into my head and picturing it just cracked me up in my cheeky mood! Life's problems are definitely easier with humor. Loved Dr. Les's analogy!
All of your videos are extremely helpful. I've been getting into frequent, heated arguments with a family member of mine, who I suspect is a narcissist.
But I've been the one getting visibly, overtly angry.
I've been upset because I feel powerless, alone, and unrelatable.
But then I binged watched 5 of your videos, this is #6.
Thank you!!
I was in a study group with a kinda narc leader, I got out making excuses, but I never tried to explain my reasons to any flying monkey. Deep inside, I had the feeling that no one will side with me or understand me.
I really don't know how could I made it, but I did.
The price was my entire family...
Sad that this is the case, but hopefully you'll find a much healthier support system. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Dear Les, thank you so much for your concern. Yes I did find an alternative support system but I also made myself my best friend...God bless.
@@suecollins3246
Mine family andtoo but I'm still chugging along.
@@tabithaedwards745 You know, Tabitha, a narc is a wonderful stirrer. Trouble mostly. But do this; get a bucket and put water in it. Then stir it up with your hand - really churn it up. Then, take your hand out and watch that water calm down. Once the narcissist is out of the way, flying monkeys included - the water calms down. They don't have enough inner person to leave any POSITIVE INFLUENCE behind them. No good vibes, no warmth or happy memories. People just breathe a sigh of relief. Now look at that bucket of water again. How BIG is the size of the hole that your hand left when you took your hand out of the bucket? Once the narc is gone that's what they leave behind.
Fuq them. Byyyyeeeee.
On Judgement Day you won't be hand and hand with those assholes. Live for yourself, you'll never have enough to fill those black holes.
The price I've paid for standing up to my aggressive narc mother/covert narc dad and their flying monkey friends is alienation, intense character assassination and PTSD. I'm the only person in my family who has learned boundaries and for that has been the outcast. Still, I have my dignity, independence, freedom and my good character speaks for itself among friends and clients. I was a good kid and am a hardworking, decent adult. Like you said, narcs will do what they do. But I'm no longer around them or their gullible hangers on (all three of them). I'm busy with my career. Their hate fueled me all of my life to make it..despite them. And in my own way, I have..and they will never be a part of that.
I did that too
I've tried to talk to people who I thought I could trust.... Then, halfway through discussion I realize this person has been talking to my brother Narcissist. At that point I realize this person has been charmed, manipulated, bribed ... into an agenda with my brother. This silences me from exposing myself any further to THEIR gathering of information or supply off of me. This really hurts me because.... I don't like to admit it but I'm a people pleaser and for me not to be able to defend my character, but instead shut down, silenced into submission .... It's hurtful when I feel lm being attached without a chance to defend myself but this only gives them more fuel.
Sorry, I realize Im talking in circles about this, but... I am working through it.
Your on the right track! 👣
Hey, don't apologize -- you're not talking in circles, I think what is hard is that the narcs & their monkeys put us in no-win situations, double-binds. I think the turning point comes when you realize that these people are not reachable and don't WANT to reach an understanding with you.
I also think that flying monkeys PREFER the second fiddle position so they can put the responsibility of actions on the head narc: "THEY told me to do it/say it/etc.!" Pretty cowardly.
Not that the dominant narcissist cares about 'responsibility' since they're always right, anyway, eh?
Good insight. Appealing to "they" allows them to slip responsibility. It's passive aggressive at its best.
Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thanks! It just was a dynamic amongst us siblings. Did my share of cowardly participating along with my plucky, "Don't tell me what to do!"
Now, I'm adding more(!) because it was a pertinent revelation to my recovering flying monkey self & hopefully others:
Funny how personal responsibility became freeing rather than the heavy daunting effort I thought it would be. It actually made life and feelings EASIER! YOU KNOW WHAT'S WHAT clearly without waiting for murky narc instruction. I was FREE of the narcissists, of keeping stories or emotions straight, of the burning load of feeling bad about myself, of caring what others thought of me. EASIER!! Sounds suspiciously like self esteem! A continuing process, sure, but feels so good. I wish this feeling for everybody, especially the narcissists. What a hell to live in.
Thanks again for your unexpected reply and your videos!
They are narcs too, and just like the head narc... do not believe they did anything wrong. These are all deluded people. They suffer from delusions.
They are followers
You definitely understand narcissism.
Something inside of me rebels against those who do this. I do have a submissive personality which has been taken advantage of and been bullied. But then there is something in me! I "lost" everything. But I know I have gained everything. And my 5 sons are following the same.
Free!
Amen to that 🙏
Christy j. I know what you mean, about that "something" that rises up in the face of blatant evil or injustice. If that something was bad, it wouldn't be upset with the evil. But its a type of righteous indignation. Man, its cost a lot but its irrespressible when there is something that needs exposure to the truth and light. Like someone being harmed or robbed, and you stand up for those who can't defend themselves. Its like the truth pours out, the liars aka narcissists get full of hate, and we may lose all for that truth...but retained inner integrity of knowing we spoke it. I echo Torri's amen.
Narcissistic disorder character are dominant kind of being making themselves they are superior and above all
I couldn’t put a label on what was happening in my upbringing and through out my adult life. My parent will say he loves me on the one hand, and then on the other hand, tell me how wrong I am or criticize or ignore me. It was very confusing that has gone in my whole life and I am in my 50’s now. I thought maybe it was narcissism, but I didn’t find clear descriptions of what was happening to me until Dr. C’s videos started showing in my TH-cam feed. I have called the people around this person minions because they do his bidding. I always felt something was wrong and fought against it but probably not very effectively because I have been angry and defensive. Dr. C. Is showing me how to set healthy boundaries with strength, self respect, and dignity, and it is exactly the information I needed and was praying to know. Thank you :)
Wow, the flying monkeys sound just like all the sycophants and dysfunctional behaviour at work.
that's exactly what it is. They flock around the queen bean or perceived leader, and trip over themselves trying to gain their favor, even if it means throwing some poor innocent person under the proverbial bus. pffft. :D
wilderness sparrow Yes! It has always disgusted me to witness this as I am an independent thinker.
Yes. But narcissists are often sycophants as well. They have no spine.
It's lonely when being ostricised . ☹️
Now I have the courage to fight them rather than getting scared, crying n running away from them...thank u Dr
Get behind my shield! Let's carve through them all :) hahah they keep trying to hoover but This community is my backbone, so here take my strength too !
Thank you for this video and your excellent explanation of assertiveness and authenticity.
I remember when I told my colleagues I didn't want to be a part of the gossip mill anymore. I really thought this would be met with understanding and they would see this was the best road to take. I was stunned when they all stopped speaking to me. I guess they thought that meant I would tell people what was being said about them or I would judge them. I just didn't want to participate in negativity. Besides, gossiping made me feel guilty.
It's very subtle the way the narcissist works. When they can't get what they want from you, they use someone close to you to get it.
I have always seemed to find myself outside the box wanting to be in the box, but unable to compromise my values. This made me want to go along, but I felt unable to do it.
Sorry if my comments seem scattered. You touched on a few points that really spoke to me.
Your comments are not scattered at all. It's odd how your attempt to be appropriate can be met with shunning, but it illustrates that many people get a perverse glee from being critics. Makes you wonder what's going on in their minds that allowed them to think that way. Dr. C
Story of my life.I can relate to you so much.I always refuse to give into peer pressure and participate in groups that is full of shallow people.I was shunned or isolated because I wouldn't bow down to the leader or participate in their bitching.Luckily,I found like minded people and would stick with them but the narc and group always made sure to bully me for leaving them.
Good for you! You have ethical standards and stand by them. That is one issue I have with my narcissistic mother...she THRIVES on gossip...and it makes me sick. I can't think of a single person OR family member that she hasn't cut into little pieces behind their backs. I just don't like that and I finally told her so. (It didn't change anything, though).
Being bullied for leaving the tribe is the worst. It seriously threatens evil/stupid/unaware people when you are more ethical and want to get away from them.
My wife, the Wicked Witch of the South, has turned my children into her Flying Monkeys. She commands them to do her bidding and treat me like the Dorothy in the story. Toto, we are not in Kansas anymore...
Excellent! Another wisdom packed video! It's so important to understand flying monkeys. Many don't even know what they are doing because the boss narc has manipulated them and smeared the victim. I'm always learning something new. These videos really help!
You're welcome. Dr. C
really... stress rolls off when watching these vids. explains so much and preps for 'next contact' with a narc.
Good thoughts! Dr. C
I spent so much of my life being a flying monkey! From avoiding abuse(physical & mental) from my narc mother to being the good girl, yes person in every relationship I had so called 'friends' & partners, happy to take the blame as it felt safe to keep under the radar. After lot of sole searching I realised this was not who I was! Standing up for what I believed & saying NO to things I knew in my heart wernt right was very scary & somewhat lonley at first. I decided though it was much better to be on my own than be what orhers exspected me to be. I am now surrounded by lovely people I respect & who respect me, amazing children & a job I love. I do at times get people who try to take advantage of my kind nature but I am no longer afraid to say no
Great video Dr.Les! I’ve always known what a flying Monkey is, but this is the first video I’ve watched that really gets into why a flying Monkey blindly follows or even adores a narcissist. They are used by the narcissist to get their daily supply of adoration, Facebook etc. and they are used by the narcissist to slander you. Again, great video!
Thanks for the uplifting words! Dr. C
I told the main flying monkey who helped to abuse me that everyone needs a good hanky!
Fake apologies 👍
That's the lack of authenticity. Yes. Dr. C
Or complete lack of apology. And no remorse.
Or better yet, blame shifting disguised as an apology.
I have stood up to him but then became afraid and outed another person. I was a flying monkey. I am opting out. I hope to make amends to the man I hurt.
Please make amends if possible. I guarantee they need to hear it
Narcs have a way of getting their victims to turn on others, especially, when there is a makeup after a breakup. I was thrown under the bus by a neighbor in an unhealthy relationship with a narc. She turned on me after they got back together.
I love this guy! He's the best at teaching people about how to deal with these Narcissist.
I encountered a the flying monkey yesterday. Thank you for this msg,
Sounds exactly like my dad's 3rd wife & my sisters as the flying monkeys
Great video--accurate description, and "groupthink" nails it. My mother's flying monkeys are dangerous--I avoid the whole constellation.
I get ambushed. have no control. Then I get depressed. this group of people loves voyeurism. have always waited to see who I get with. talk about groupthink!!!!
Fantastic explanation and nail-down of what that whole dynamic is, .....thank you for this. Oh the cost of opting out....hard, takes courage, hurts to be vilified for simply having ethics, yes, but so very worth it. Freedom to be oneself is underrated. So is freedom from immature little tattle tales who use details of your life to curry favor with the narcissist, spinning tales outta school.
Yes! Thanks. Dr. C
Always look forward to your videos Dr C.
That's the point. Thanks for being an encourager! Dr. C
My flying monkeys support the alleged narcissism of my ex husband by supporting his lies about me. He goes online slandering me. Flying monkeys chime in! Hurtful, but I always manage to take tge high road. Your videos have help me understand my own situation and the trouble storms I have been through. Thank you so very much for what you do! Bless you Dr. Carter. ✨💖🤗🙏
Thanks, I’ve never seen the Wizard of Oz, consequently never really understood flying monkey references.
Now you know...hope this makes good sense to you. Dr. C
My favorite movie. I wonder if it was a clue I should've paid attention to.
Never seen the wizard of oz?!?!?!?!
SEE IT !!!!
I've seen it and didn't even realize where the term came from lol. Glad I know now it all makes sense.
Dr. Les Carter, you’ve been such a great help to me. Thank you! I’ve listened over the years and have benefited as the ongoing turmoil happens when N. turns my older children against me-even to having them call and many others call dcfs repeatedly on me falsely. God has blessed me to help dcfs see the truth so I still have my younger children. I feel your support and it’s making a big difference.
Thanks, Amy....so pleased for you!
This was really helpful. It was so clear and concise. You make the decision to be your own person or not. Assertiveness is a good thing, you just have to be prepared to deal with the consequences. What doth it profit a man if he gain the world and loses his own soul?
I used that very quote yesterday with a man dealing with similar issues. Dr C
Amen 🙏
I love healthy family time, but it’s not worth staying in , and having to mask, it leads to depression & anxiety.
In the long run , create your own safe spaces , with safe family , and great friends. You will be much happier
You are one of my favorites
That is a very nice compliment...thank you. Dr. C
Flying Monkeys is absolutely right on in describing the relationship between narcs and their useful idiot flying monkeys !!!! Lol
Yes exactly! I definitely felt like I 'was losing a part of my soul' ~ and also a large part of myself. You validate what we have been through.
Hahahaha! "I'm on the top dog's team". I was trying to think of a way to describe the mentality of a flying monkey to my husband and that's perfect. They often have this really sweet role but they love the narcissist, sometimes sounding just like them but it's more hidden. My mom has been with several narcissists and she'll easily agree with others about their faults but never leave them. I often catch this little smirk on her face even while agreeing with others like "you don't understand how special he is like I do. I'm the one that gets to stand behind all of his power!"
Fascinating video. Dr, this presentation would be SO valuable to people suffering from workplace bullying. It takes a lot of flying monkeys to support a narcissist in the workplace. The issue is begging for recognition and attention.
This guy is awesome!!
Why, thank you. Dr. C
Unfortunately I have someone close who has a narcissistic male partner, he uses the "your just unstable line when we finally have had enough of his game playing and gas lighting. He keeps her needy and insecure. Always ready to keep her addicted to substances. Will run out and get her smokes. Of course he is beginning to alienate her from her family. He will do the washing, cooking and cleaning just to keep her needy. Ive argued with him several times and the same line is thrown back, he makes us out to be the unstable ones. If the rent is not paid and we get a call from the real estate he will deflect back onto us we are the unstable ones yet he is the one taking holidays instead of paying bills. He gas lights with ease. I had food poisoning seven times in less than three months yet the other four in the house never did, he knew i have a weak immune system and used it against me. He would leave dirty dishes in the sink until ten minutes before my daughter got home from work to maintain his white knight persona. Fact is he is a clingy, jealous insecure little man that thrives on his narcissistic methods. We are now distant from my daughter because she is brainwashed into thinking she needs him. He has even got her child calling him dad and does things to manipulate. He murmurs until my grand daughter is in tears, yet when questioned he just denies and deflects. A very dangerous fool indeed.