I don't like going home and it's ok if you don't either

For most people, visiting home once they've moved out is a positive thing. Or at least there are enough pros to make it worth it for them. For me, the cons outweigh the pros. It wasn't until my last visit that I realized, I don't HAVE to go home...I don't HAVE to put myself through the emotional stress. And you don't either.
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#boundaries #goingbackhome

[@raymondlin8728]

Sad. I feel the same way. Lots of bad memories bç my father always yelled and beat me with a stick. Kicked me down the stairs. Told me i was useless, a loser. What k2und of father is thus??? Therefore i never became a good father to my son. I didnt hit, beat him. . But i never talked to him or shared , talk about anything concerning his life. Cats in the cradle. I became my father. And my son became me

[@charminglykoko]

I'm gonna give you some tough love so I hope you're ready.
1. What happened to you, how your father treated you, was not your fault and I'm sorry that's the kind of parent you had to grow up with. No one deserves to be treated that way, especially by those who we are supposed to see as our protectors, who were supposed to love and raise us.
2. There is no 'therefore'. You did not become a bad father to your son BECAUSE of your upbringing. What we experience, what happens to us, we can't control. They can only be accepted that that was our experience and reality. However, you control how you move forward. You had two options. Use your experience as an excuse as to why you couldn't be a good father, that you had no example or role model. OR, use your experience to become what you believed a father should be towards their son BECAUSE you did not want your son to feel/experience what you did. You already understood that physical abuse was wrong and didn't continue that, good. But it sounds like you didn't know how to support him emotionally, and perhaps that was because you yourself did not know what that looked like or other circumstances in your life. However, it sounds like you're now aware. I believe we can't be blamed for our actions (to a degree) if we aren't aware of them and their consequences, but now you are. So what are you going to do with that new knowledge about yourself? This is where accountability to ourselves come into play. What you did/didn't do in the past can't be changed. You have to acknowledge and accept that. But that doesn't mean you have to stay that way. YOU get to choose how you proceed forward. Which leads to...
3. You can still make amends with your son and change how you want your relationship to be moving forward. I'm not saying it'll be easy because of course he needs to also want it, needs to be willing to hear you out and be willing to put in the same effort. Obviously I don't know what your relationship with him is like, and it'll be awkward in the beginning, but it is still possible to change and be better moving forward. I'm assuming he's an adult now or at least older, so be honest with him. Tell your story, but be clear to him and yourself, that your past is not an excuse but an explanation. Hear him out, let him express his perspective and accept it. Even if you can't salvage a father-son relationship, I think a relationship period is better than nothing. Another thing is understanding that even if you do make efforts on both sides, it won't be instantaneous. It takes time, patience, and space for both of you to adjust, process, and heal.
Now unfortunately, there is also the possibility that he may not want a relationship and while hurtful, I think it's also important to respect that. Understand that it is a consequence of your past actions, that he is his own person and thus, more than allowed to set the boundaries he deems necessary for him. All you can do is make sure he knows that the door is open on your side if he were to ever change his mind.
All you have control over, is how you choose to proceed. If you put yourself out there, let it be known you want to change and put in effort, how he responds is not on you. You are only responsible for your actions/intentions.

[@KACDWFCD]

I too do not like going home either...Hearing you speak echos my feelings...Thank you for being so brave to put it out there....All the best to you and doing whats best first and foremost for you...

[@charminglykoko]

Thank you so much for taking the time to watch! I just want people to know they're not alone in their feelings, esp when those feelings don't align with the majority

[@JamesDooney]

Agreed. Lots of factors could play in to a situation like this. Different expectations. Different mental places. Maybe even clinging on to empty nest syndrome. Childhood experience also plays a big role. And ...
ITS ALL OK.
You do you. The place where you are in life is the culmination of all the steps you took to get there yeh ??

[@charminglykoko]

Well said! 👏👏👏

[@metalmonkeyvideos]

I'm like you. My family did not approve of me moving to the U.S. and often put me through a guilt trip of how my leaving affected them. They wanted me to give it up and I refused to back down. I know my actions did hurt people and caused difficulties but it was a chance of a lifetime. Many years later, I still get grief from it and almost every time I talk to them it would end up with me stressed up and crying. That's the main reason why I always resisted going back home, letting 5 + years fall by. But now that my parents are getting old, I tough it out but I made sure I did not go back alone. I have my own family now and I can use the excuse that I have to follow them to visit the other side of the family or other obligations so that I can 'get away'.

[@charminglykoko]

Something I've learned, is that you are not responsible for how others choose to react or feel. Especially if it's in regards to what is best for you, deemed by you. Now, I will admit that even though I now know this, it doesn't make it easier in every situation lol. I definitely understand feeling guilty, especially towards people who have done nothing wrong but are consequentially collateral to the decision of not going home. Wanting to see them but realizing that I'd have to sacrifice my emotional/mental/physical well being to do so. Ultimately, you have to do what you feel is right for you. If you have found a system that works for you, and you think the visits are worth it, then I'm happy for you. But make sure you're not sacrificing your overall well being. Like you said, you have your own family now and they need you to take care of yourself. Thank you for watching and sharing ❤

[@daisyM734]

Let me start by saying I love my parents but going back home just leaves me feeling mentally exhausted. For the longest time I thought it was normal, but then I saw my partner interact with his parents and I realized I live two faced life. My mother pretty has no clue who I am because we don't " talk" about things that I find interesting or enjoy or things that makes me sad or about my life or day in general. It usually just superficial stuff and I hide most of the stuff because I am afraid they will just criticize me anyway. BTW I have doctorate degree, amazing house, great job, amazing partner but its never going to be enough for them because apparently I am not the best cook, moved out of the house early and didn't get married eventho I am in my 30s , my weight etc. So now I just visit them couple hrs a day every month or so and I made my peace with it. It's sad because I think I spent most of my life seeking their approval and I wish we were closer. But it is what it is

[@charminglykoko]

That was one of my wake up calls too, seeing my husband with his parents when we started dating. I never thought of it that way but how you describe your relationship with your mother is about the same as mine. My parent's focus was always our 'success', as most Asian parents do lol. Something that has helped to a degree, is reminding myself that the times that our parents grew up and how we grew up were different. They probably had to struggle a bit more than we did and even if we did struggle, theirs was to a different degree. I'm not saying that's an excuse to not evolve and adapt with the times but it kind of helps give some insight. Their idea of success isn't always the same as ours. I think you've achieved a lot of amazing things for yourself and I hope you're proud of them and did it all for you. I appreciate you taking the time to share ❤