I honestly don't think they mean harm, it's just really uncommon to meet adopted children so they're not trained to handle it the right way. But I definitely think there are just some things people aren't entitled to know so they shouldn't even ask. At the same time I understand how they might have a foot in mouth moment as we all do at some point or another.
I’m adopted and I didn’t think about the loss that is included in adoption until I was an adult. How my birthmother must feel about it. My birthday is the day after Christmas and I think does Christmas make her sad how does she feel? I also wish people would just refer to their adopted child as their child! I had a coworker that would always refer to her daughter as her adopted daughter and it really bothered me!! Why do you have to say that why can’t she just be your daughter!!
I identify my daughters as foster kids on a need to know basis. Generally medical or legal reasons. Anyways, it can lead to interesting conversations with people. The school secretary thought I was in a really bad custody battle with their bio dad due to visits being moved all around and cancelled last minute, etc.
My husband adopted my daughter unofficially when she was very small. We have another year to make it all official but shes always been his daughter. People will ask oh shes really yours? So annoying. Others will be like oh how is your stepdaughter or hows your adopted girl. He gets so angry. Even with her bio father he will put his foot down and say thats MY daughter. I can share but thats my baby girl right there. Makes me so sad. Her bio Dad is adopted and his parents always tell him they wish theyd kept the receipt.
Yes! As a foster parent, there is a stigma that all birth parents are bad, when that's not always the case. Some people just need help along the way, and we have become close with some of the bio parents along our journey.
I went though the foster parent training as part of my adoption application. There were families in that group, that heavily demonized birth mom, and it broke my heart. Thank you for standing behind them.
I love this! I feel the same way. I can love my kids all day long, but if I'm not taking that time to do the hard things, then #1, I'm not doing right by my kids and #2, I'm not loving them correctly either. Parenting is hard work! ♥️
Hey Angela.. I am 41 man who lives in a war zone, watched your amazing Channels and loved what I saw, i chose not to form a family because of the horror around me, so my decision was never to bring a kid for the misery of this life, and I think your decision is brilliant too, why to bring more kids and make them suffer while there are already millions beaitiful kids eho need love and family , and a better chance, why not to make their life better when we are able.. Loved your beautiful family and healthy happy kids and wish you the best. All respect from Syria.
It is a shame how people feel the need to be in the business of a complete stranger and ask such inappropriate questions especially in front of the children
Thank you for doing this video! I am a birth mother and we get so much criticism. I had my baby when I was 16, at first I said I was going to keep her. Then my mother asked "what do you have to offer a baby", I had nothing, not even the basic protection that every child deserves. My parents had just gotten divorced, money was tight, I was still in school, and my boyfriend wanted no part of anything. Sexual abuse tends to run in my family which was a huge concern, while I'm working on graduating so I can get a decent job one day would she be safe, or would people just ignore it like then tend to do. My child was never unloved, she was SO loved from the very beginning. Turning against every instinct you have to give your baby a better life is one of the hardest things any mother could do. I'm 37 now and it is still sad to hear the things people say about birth mothers, society just doesn't get it.
It is extremely important to respect the wishes of the adopted child with respect to contact with the birth family especially as the child grows older. Our 2 youngest children were adopted from Vietnam when they were 5 & 6 months old. I met the birth family of my older daughter & sent letters & photos throughout the years. We even traveled back to Vietnam to visit with them when my daughter was 7 (at her request). We have no information at all about my younger daughters birth family, and that has never been an issue with her. We read many books about Vietnam together, and I encouraged them to explore their ethnic heritage and their emotions regarding their adoptions. In her later teen years, my older daughter had contact with her birth mother & sister through Facebook, but she never felt an emotional connection to them despite their obvious love for her. She felt grateful to her birth mom for making the difficult decision to place her for adoption, but did not feel that she was a part of their family. Just recently, at 20 years old, she told them that she no longer wished to have any contact with them. My heart breaks especially for her birth mom, but I very strongly feel that the decision to remain in contact has to come from the child.
A pastor totally told us that if we just loved our foster/adopted children enough their trauma would go away. Needless to say we don't go to that church anymore.
I’m white, my late husband is white. I have black hair and brown eyes. My husband was blond and had blue eyes .We have 4 biological children, 2 blond and blue eyes, 1 black hair and brown eyes, 1 honey colour hair and honey colour eyes. I was at the pharmacy and the cashier said. Oh my!! The children are so beautiful , if I had to pick one, I would not know which one I would pick !!! Are you the nanny ?? When my husband got home from work , I told him what happen and he always the peace maker he said: maybe she ask that because you look young to be a mom of 4 kids!! Right ...At my doctors office, my husband and I with our 4 children was waiting to see the doctor, and my blond and blue eye daughter call me mommy can I play with this toy? a women with her wide eyes ask me : are all this your children... yes !! I say so proud !! Are all of them from the same men ? My mouth drop, and I said , actually no, one is from The newspaper men, the other from the milk men, the other from the mail men and the other from ummm... I don’t know ....my husband laugh so hard, he had tears in his eyes from laughing, and I was mad..lol . Some people really don’t know how to keep their curiosity in their minds, they just ask questions that is hurtful and ugly. AND none of their business. They just can’t help it , they HAVE to ask... why ???
Such an on point video. I loved your point that love doesn’t fix all. There’s absolutely no shame in getting professional help. Also, I HATE being asked if my adopted brother is my “real” brother. Of course he is! He’s just as much my brother as my biological one. The moment I saw him I knew he would be my baby brother forever and I would love him infinitely
Me, my sister and my brother are all adopted but from different mothers. We were adopted as babies. My parents never refer to any of us as their 'adopted children.' I really do think that's it's important that all parents who have adopted to treat their adopted child/children as they would their own. And to anyone out their who'd embarrassed about being adopted, it's ok, be proud of it. ❤️
As an adoptive parent, you really nailed the very important points. I wish that I had known these things when we adopted our kids. Thank you for sharing with those who are hoping, planning to adopt in the future!
You are so right. I’m a foster and adoptive parent. Love isn’t always enough. We are approaching another adoption and guess what? We love this child and he does love us, but misses his mother who is giving him up for adoption. I’ve had him in my home for 4 years and time doesn’t erase all wounds. It’s HARD.
My only child is adopted through foster care. I love him more than words can express and appreciate your first few points so much. I was SO happy to be placed with him and chosen to care for him but was acutely aware that what many people saw as one of the best days of my life was one of the worst of his, as he had been taken away from his home environment with very little warning or explanation. It has taken a ton of therapy to build a somewhat secure attachment with him, and we still have challenges due to not only his past trauma but Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, but I wouldn’t trade my child or experience anything. Thank you for taking the time to share your story! ❤️❤️❤️
I've been watching you for about a month and this is how deep the wounding can be... This morning I was thinking I wonder why I enjoy watching Angela so much? I actually started with your decluttering videos. And while watching this video it dawned on me...duh!! I was adopted!!! I'm 62 and I just don't think about it very often. But you speak the truth when you say adoption is about loss because it truly is. My first memory of feeling melancholy I was three or four and I struggled with that and depression through my twenties. I found my birth family at 28 after my adoptive parents had passed away. I was adopted at 3 months and I loved my adopted parents so so so much. They were just MY parents. We adopted my brother four years after me and he and I are very close too. They were fabulous and saved my life! It's been quite the journey. My birth father recently passed away and I led him to the Lord before he died. I am very close with my birth mother and strangely we are a lot alike. I am so grateful that I was adopted but it truly has colored every aspect of my life. Abandonment and rejection and sadness are somethings the Lord is still healing me of. It's almost gone and rarely comes up. Thank you Angela for your honesty and candor. God bless you sweetheart for rescuing these sweet babies. That's certainly how I feel about my parents.
What a neat comment! I’m so glad you know that you don’t have to walk the journey alone, and Jesus knows your innermost hurt ❤️ God bless you on your continued journey.
My heart is hurting for you and the sense of loss and loneliness you had to experience from such an early age. Please know that I am sending lots of internet love and positive thoughts your way.
We have three amazing children all adopted from Korea. They are now 25, 22 and 21. We use to get that one a lot, "Are they really brothers and sisters?". That one bothered me but my personal "least favorite" was "How much did they cost?". 😳 We did not "purchase" our children! If you would like to discuss details privately some time I would be glad to chat with you but not in front of my children. 😊 God bless you and your beautiful family!!
I’m not an adoptive parent, or even really interested at this time..but I loved this! It was so informative and enlightening! Thank you for being vulnerable and open!
I started watching your channel just before you adopted Rosie and the reason I’ve continued watching is because of how impressed I am with the knowledge that you have of adoption. I’m adopted and you are one of the very few non adopted people who understands the intricacy of adoption and the adoption triad. I wish more parents had a deeper understanding of the trauma associated with adoption prior to adopting. I appreciate you.
I love what you said about protecting your child’s story and modeling that they don’t have to answer questions...etc... I honestly wish this was talked about more. Also, thank you so much for the hard work you put in with the free adoption recourses! ❤️
Yes girl, PREACH! We brought our son home this past October and we're starting to experience a lot of the things you mentioned. When it comes to people asking questions, I've found a good "Why do you ask?" or "Why do you want to know?" with the right tone either makes people walk away or re-evaluate why they asked ____.
My husband and I adopted 3 foster children. The first two were 2 and 4 years old, and the third was 6 weeks old when they came to us. I totally agree that adoption is beautiful, but there is so much more involved. We went into it thinking "love is enough". It is not. All three are grown now and it has been an incredible, wonderful, and at times painful journey. I think it is great to be open and honest...realistic. I would never want to discourage adoption, but just help others understand and be prepared that it is a unique, sometimes challenging journey.
I´m not even married - nor do I have a partner, but I´ve always known that one day I would like to have not just biological children but also adopted ones.
Hi Angela. Been watching you for about 5 years. 2 years ago I started the process for embryo adoption. I had some failures along the way but am very happy that I am now over 5 months pregnant. I just want to say that your videos have been really beneficial for me in helping me make decisions for starting my family. I hope that one day I will also do an international adoption, hopefully for my second baby. Thanks for providing your viewers with well informed resources on adoption, and for sharing your experience. It's helping me a lot!
Interesting that this particular vlog appeared in my recommendations today considering the headline news about fellow TH-camr Myka Stauffer re-homing her 4yr old son whom she adopted from China two and a half years ago. Poor little Huxley. 😢 My heart literally breaks for him. 💔
Tears are welling ❤ thank you for the reality check but yet it makes me want to adopt even more. Love isn't enough and then how much you have to fight for your family really stood out to me.
Impeccable timing as my husband and I are about to officially adopt our little girl from foster care!!!!! Also, the guide is amazing and I am very grateful for you and the time you took to put it together! Thank you!
This is the most honest, rounded and rich video on adoption I’ve seen. Brilliant. Acknowledge, understand and accept the whole of the child, the whole of their story including any extra needs is just healthy. But I’ve never seen anyone else address this head on.
Adoption had always been on my heart, even when I was in high school. I just have no idea where to start and this video has definitely helped put to ease some irrational fears I had. Thank you.
A lot of these points have been heavy on my mind the past few days and this came at the perfect time. Looking forward to reading the guide you put together. Thank you so much!
Hi Angela, I was just wondering if you have ever done a video on your personal experience with your open adoption? I didnt realize any of your kiddos had one. How you decided on open? How the first mama felt about it? What does "open" look like for your family? Do they know you have a youtube channel? I know you have to be incredibly careful what you share, but if theres an appropriate way to answer any of those its be awesome. Im sure theres lots of people on your channel who would love a video about what to know about open adoptions
Thank you so much for passing on your wisdom on the subject of adoption!! As a foster parent who will someday be adopting one or more of these children I want to know everything thing I possibly can to make the best life possible for my children!! I wish we could sit down and just talk about everything, but I know that is not possible. This video and all of your other adoption related videos have helped me so much!!
I’m in no way shape or form ready to start a family but I really enjoy watching these kind of videos! I really appreciate the honesty you always give us on such an important subject ❤️❤️ Thank you Angie!
As an adult adoptee, I appreciate you adding us in the mix of people to read up on for future adoptive parents ❤️ We definitely have a voice that hasn’t been heard from and deserves a voice and a platform, so thank you.
I love this! Thank you for sharing.. I just had my first son 3 months ago and about 6 weeks after he was born we were faced with the decision on whether or not to take custody of a 1-year-old family member. Obviously, the answer was yes, but it scared me so much. I find hope and strength in your channel. I look up to you alot! Its easy to be all for adoption until you are faced with the reality of it within your own family. Thank you for being such a great example and role model 💛
My sister was adopted so I can understand and relate to what you are talking about based on what I watched my parents go through (especially when the questions arise about us being related). I was a teenager and she was 8 when it all took place...it was definitely neat hearing all of these things from your perspective as a mother and all of the things put into it that I was not old enough to understand at the time.
As an adoptive mother, and if you don’t mind, I’d like to add a thing to that list: The way you raise your biological children will not always translate to your adopted child well. For some it may be a smoother transition (save for the obvious traumas that may present themselves). And for others, it just may not click and you’ll need to reevaluate how to get through to your child in a way they understand. Even for those adopted from birth/infancy. I’m still learning this every day 4yrs in.
Melinda Mercier Don‘t you think this is just because every child is different? I mean even biological siblings have different needs. No judgement just wondering ❤️
I'm so glad you said this. My husband and I are almost done with paperwork to become foster parents. We have a 10 yr old, 8 yr old, 2 yr old, and I'm due in August. I like to think that I have a lot of "tools" in my parenting "tool bag" but these kids come with trauma that I can't even begin to imagine or understand. It's a good reminder than we can't force children to bend to our way, they need us to be flexible!
I am only 14 but I know that adoption is my life goal and I’m so beyond excited to grow up and be able to adopt. I am a biological child I have been through trauma and love most definitely isn’t enough especially when you haven’t been shown it until it’s too late and I’d really love to help other children x
I’ve been subscribed to and watched both of your channels for quite some time and I have to say this was hands down the best video you’ve put out! (not that I’m finding fault with your other ones) I’m 56 and have had legal custody and raising two of my granddaughters ages 12 and 9 for over 8 years now. A few years ago their 18 month old half brother was at risk of going into foster care so we took custody of him in order to keep them together. He is now 4 and a half. There are many days I have felt “too old for this job” or worried that I’m not enough for their needs. Your advise was so practical and resonated with me. It’s not easy and yes these children too ‘come from loss” so it’s more than just taking care of them. It’s helping to heal those emotional scares and trying to appropriately answer their questions and other , well meaning people’s questions, and yes fighting for them on so many levels. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom on this subject.
We are foster parents who are about to adopt our foster child. We are SO excited!!! I’m videoing my journey through the adoption process to also help those doing this. Thanks for your video!!! And great idea giving resources. There was so little info out there when we started our journey and I feel still is.
Thank you Angela, that is so helpful and encouraging. We adopted our triplet sons 7 years ago and learnt so much in this journey. Thank you for sharing this information, wish I could have known that going into adoption. Blessings to you and your family!
I have been asked if my children are real sisters a lot and they are biological sisters it's just that they don't look a like because we are interracial family. One of my girls skin is like mine and one is like my husband . It makes me so irritated .
we are interracial as well and my husband is actually biracial (but people just say hes black). My daughter is white. People ask all the time if hes really her Dad. I dread to think what people will say when my hubby and I add a child thats mixed to all this. So irritating
I am constantly shocked (though I shouldn't be) at the comments some people feel like they can make to strangers! My husband and I have 3 kids (4th coming in August) and people have asked before if they have the same dad! 😳 Even if they didn't all look alike (they do 😆) that's such an inappropriate thing to ask someone!
Thank you for putting this out there. While we are tossing the idea of adoption around, I also needed to hear this to make me a better person. I don’t need to ask those kinds of questions to families. Yes I’m curious, but is it really my place to ask questions when I just meet them! No. I don’t need to do that. I can just encourage tell them what a beautiful family they have and leave them better then I found them. ♥️ thank you for that bit alone!
LOVED this. As an adoptive mother of 4 biological siblings, I feel and have lived 2-4 for 13 years now. I still needed to hear #1. We are going through one really rough times with one of our kids, and found that love wasn't enough. We have been able to use the Aid Society through which our adoptions were processed as a wonderful resource for additional services. Yet I still needed to convince myself it was okay to ask. /Lesley
I'm impressed with your restraint at the ridiculousness of some of those comments. I'm not a mother yet, but just hearing those things made my fists want to start flying. People really need to think before they speak, and in some cases, not waste a good opportunity to shut up. 😉😊
Thank you for sharing! Love your family and wisdom you share! Thank you for bringing up the real siblings! We are all adopted and have heard that for years! Ug
Angela, you are amazing! And your videos are amazing! Have you considered being a consultant? I think about adopting, but I’m single, almost 50, and scared to your first point, that my love may not be enough, and then what...that child deserves a mom and dad and siblings, and I don’t think I’m enough. But I still watch you...I can’t believe people are so bold to ask those kinds of intimate details.
I am less than 4 minutes into this video and am already cheering that you are saying what is hard to say. Love isn't always enough, but it is ok to seek counseling and therapy. Trauma is HARD, y'all. Thank you for speaking truth and always being open and honest with your heart!! ❤️
I was sent a shirt that said Love is Enough by a well meaning person. And I love what you said about it because it didn’t really feel right to me! Love is not always enough. BUT Gods love for me is enough even when I am not! So I am thankful for that!
Angela, there's another hard truth that you may not be able to tell until your children are adults. There will be behaviors and attitudes that your child may display that you will not recognize as anything they are modeling from your home's influence. "They weren't raised that way" We adopted our first child in 1977 and the last in 1987 - the only baby adoption. The youngest was open with both parents and I can tell you that I see attitudes and behaviors that are totally foreign to their dad and me, but that I see displayed in the birth family. I, too, viewed adoption through rose-colored glasses and thought love was enough. I'm a better grandparent than I was parent because I no longer question why the grandchildren behave as they do. I just keep on loving them and accepting them.
Hi Angela , just filled my husband in on " your adoptive journey" and he asked me why you chose to adopt out of the country (USA) we have adopted 3 through DSS ..... this video has been great thank you
God bless you for answering strangers questions so nicely. I will probably have to bite my lip so hard to stop myself from telling them the way I really feel. People can be so pushy an insensitive. I am so happy you are teaching them that they don't owe anyone any explanation of anything.
Thank you! Although the my three children came to me through adoption more than 20yrs ago, your words resonated with me so much that time stood still. I'm not meaning to be dramatic here but the words..'Love is not enough ,' brought a lot of forgotten emotions and thoughts back into focus. Things that I had ' forgotten ', so not sure thank you is enough. I have had to find time this evening to rethink and turnover things about the two adoptions, with 20+yes hindsight. One thing I would add to your 5 things is ..I wish I would have known the impact on my marriage, maybe as you say , asked deeper questions about us as a couple and listened more. Wonderful insight and honesty on your part for this many thanks.🇬🇧👩👦👩👧👦
Thank you for sharing your honest reflections on adoption. We had an adoption in our family that didn’t work out and people are quick to judge. But it’s a very complex process and, as you say, love is not always enough.
This video was so helpful and very informative, I wish you all the best in everything and people have to know that there are great adoptive mothers out there and you are one of them...
I’m thinking about adopting and this video is very informative. Two major keys that stick with me are counseling is helpful and privacy is a necessity! Thanks ❤️
As someone who is adopted I think it would have helped my family if we all had professional help at the start. It is a trauma and it does affect your life in various ways but I was incredibly lucky to have super special parents who I adored, so even though there were some difficulties, their love saw me through.
Great video!!! There is so much to learn about adoption and as an adoptive parent (through the foster care system) I know I have had a big learning curve along the way. The ethics of international adoption have always made me a bit wary about it. Thank you for this guide, I will check it out! Love your heart Angela and how you always share with such grace
Thank you for your video! Would you consider making a video of firmly and gracefully responding to some of the hurtful questions from others (not necessarily out of malice, but lack of proper adoption-related education for the most part)?
*Sorry for the long post* I am a Birth Mother in the UK. I did not consent to the adoption of one of my children and spent almost 5 years fighting my case. I have regular contact with my son who lives with paternal grandparents. I won't go into details because it is not just my story to tell, it is that of my husband's and most importantly, my children. I have met my daughter's adoptive parents and they were a lovely couple. I get a letter once a year and i write back. I just wanted to say that i love your videos and think you are such a lovely person. I love how you choose to keep certain pieces of information private because of protecting your children. I think that i share a very different view of adopters compared to most birth families and although i have been very angry and hurt i just feel that if you can, you need to put your feelings aside as a birth parent and focus on the needs of the child. Originally i did not want to meet the adopters and i felt very hostile but in the end i realised - they haven't done this to us. I decided to put my daughter first, meet her adopters and the way i see it, asl ong as she is loved and well cared for, and does best by my child i cannot ask for more. I see it as my daughter has more than 1 family to love her. I will always be her biological mum and she will always have a biological family. If she chooses to make contact in the future then that will be a blessing. But if not, i will completely respect her wishes. I realise there are no expectations but it needs to be comfortable for her and us. I will always be true to her and hope she can be true to us. I have a massive photo album for her to see right from the preg test to the last contact. I have a memory box and each birthday she gets a card from us, her brother, nanny and aunt & Uncle and they go in her box. She gets a helium balloon and once deflated it goes in the box. She gets christmas cards which go in the box. Our lives do not continue without her she is always a part of our family. I realise that had this have been a case of consensual adoption then things would be very different. But myself and my family will always do what we need to in order to cope with this... loss so to speak because it is a loss and loss is never just death. I just wish that many birth parents put the needs of the child before their own. Meeting the adopters benefitted us our peace of mind but also so the adopters can say they have met us. It was good for our daughter's benefit especially to share info about her with eachother. We simply had to make decisions for our daughter in her best interests regardless of how hurtful or difficult it was for us. I hope that she is loved unconditionally, encouraged to be happy with who she is and to live a happy life. I just wish that sometimes adopters didn't have such a bad impression of how birth parents are expected to be as (like adopters) we are not all the same. Thank you again for your wonderful videos x
When they grow up and in my case, and two of my friends that loss you are speaking of comes out in different ways. I loved my daughter just like my biological children, but when she became an adult I realized that she didn’t love us like we loved her. There is a part that longs to know her natural parents, though she wanted nothing to do with her culture, so after her first year of college we sent her to her home country through Holts. The first thing she said, when she came home was, “I was around all those Asians and it didn’t bother me. “ I was thrilled, God answered my prayers. She ended up marrying a wonderful Japanese man, but was shocked her first born looked “so Asian”. I still pray she will experience a miracle and God will bring her in touch with her bio mom. I want the best for her!
Thank you so much for putting your energy into this and making it free. I totally would have paid for this. One of my 2020 resolutions is to research adoption and you just boosted me toward that goal.
My feelings on adoption are that the child is very special and should know they are a chosen one and that makes them special to no end. I also have the utmost feeling that adoptive parents have a great quality since adoption is for everyone. It takes very special people and the children are very lucky to have people in the world that want and chose them. My heart and prayers go out to adoptive parents and children.
“Are they REAL brothers?!” Well yeah, I’m their mum...
seriously though, why do strangers think this is okay to ask?
*•Sophie•* I am asked this ALL THE TIME 😩
I honestly don't think they mean harm, it's just really uncommon to meet adopted children so they're not trained to handle it the right way. But I definitely think there are just some things people aren't entitled to know so they shouldn't even ask. At the same time I understand how they might have a foot in mouth moment as we all do at some point or another.
I’m adopted and I didn’t think about the loss that is included in adoption until I was an adult. How my birthmother must feel about it. My birthday is the day after Christmas and I think does Christmas make her sad how does she feel? I also wish people would just refer to their adopted child as their child! I had a coworker that would always refer to her daughter as her adopted daughter and it really bothered me!! Why do you have to say that why can’t she just be your daughter!!
I identify my daughters as foster kids on a need to know basis. Generally medical or legal reasons. Anyways, it can lead to interesting conversations with people. The school secretary thought I was in a really bad custody battle with their bio dad due to visits being moved all around and cancelled last minute, etc.
My husband adopted my daughter unofficially when she was very small. We have another year to make it all official but shes always been his daughter. People will ask oh shes really yours? So annoying. Others will be like oh how is your stepdaughter or hows your adopted girl. He gets so angry. Even with her bio father he will put his foot down and say thats MY daughter. I can share but thats my baby girl right there. Makes me so sad. Her bio Dad is adopted and his parents always tell him they wish theyd kept the receipt.
I’m 22 and i can’t wait for the day when i adopt a child. Everyone deserves a family :)
Yes! As a foster parent, there is a stigma that all birth parents are bad, when that's not always the case. Some people just need help along the way, and we have become close with some of the bio parents along our journey.
I went though the foster parent training as part of my adoption application. There were families in that group, that heavily demonized birth mom, and it broke my heart. Thank you for standing behind them.
Love isn't always enough in biological families either. It all takes skills.
I love this! I feel the same way. I can love my kids all day long, but if I'm not taking that time to do the hard things, then #1, I'm not doing right by my kids and #2, I'm not loving them correctly either. Parenting is hard work! ♥️
First comment come in my mind too ! ❤
"Love isn't always enoigh" is a great advice for any kind of relationship, actually.
Hey Angela.. I am 41 man who lives in a war zone, watched your amazing Channels and loved what I saw, i chose not to form a family because of the horror around me, so my decision was never to bring a kid for the misery of this life, and I think your decision is brilliant too, why to bring more kids and make them suffer while there are already millions beaitiful kids eho need love and family , and a better chance, why not to make their life better when we are able..
Loved your beautiful family and healthy happy kids and wish you the best.
All respect from Syria.
It is a shame how people feel the need to be in the business of a complete stranger and ask such inappropriate questions especially in front of the children
Thank you for doing this video! I am a birth mother and we get so much criticism. I had my baby when I was 16, at first I said I was going to keep her. Then my mother asked "what do you have to offer a baby", I had nothing, not even the basic protection that every child deserves. My parents had just gotten divorced, money was tight, I was still in school, and my boyfriend wanted no part of anything. Sexual abuse tends to run in my family which was a huge concern, while I'm working on graduating so I can get a decent job one day would she be safe, or would people just ignore it like then tend to do. My child was never unloved, she was SO loved from the very beginning. Turning against every instinct you have to give your baby a better life is one of the hardest things any mother could do. I'm 37 now and it is still sad to hear the things people say about birth mothers, society just doesn't get it.
It is extremely important to respect the wishes of the adopted child with respect to contact with the birth family especially as the child grows older. Our 2 youngest children were adopted from Vietnam when they were 5 & 6 months old. I met the birth family of my older daughter & sent letters & photos throughout the years. We even traveled back to Vietnam to visit with them when my daughter was 7 (at her request). We have no information at all about my younger daughters birth family, and that has never been an issue with her. We read many books about Vietnam together, and I encouraged them to explore their ethnic heritage and their emotions regarding their adoptions. In her later teen years, my older daughter had contact with her birth mother & sister through Facebook, but she never felt an emotional connection to them despite their obvious love for her. She felt grateful to her birth mom for making the difficult decision to place her for adoption, but did not feel that she was a part of their family. Just recently, at 20 years old, she told them that she no longer wished to have any contact with them. My heart breaks especially for her birth mom, but I very strongly feel that the decision to remain in contact has to come from the child.
I'm 20 and I often think about adopting a kid in the future. I don't know when and why this started, but I can't let it go and I hope i won't.
A pastor totally told us that if we just loved our foster/adopted children enough their trauma would go away. Needless to say we don't go to that church anymore.
Seeking for help also is a love.
I wonder how he came to that conclusion! I would've left too
I’m white, my late husband is white. I have black hair and brown eyes. My husband was blond and had blue eyes .We have 4 biological children, 2 blond and blue eyes, 1 black hair and brown eyes, 1 honey colour hair and honey colour eyes. I was at the pharmacy and the cashier said. Oh my!! The children are so beautiful , if I had to pick one, I would not know which one I would pick !!! Are you the nanny ?? When my husband got home from work , I told him what happen and he always the peace maker he said: maybe she ask that because you look young to be a mom of 4 kids!! Right ...At my doctors office, my husband and I with our 4 children was waiting to see the doctor, and my blond and blue eye daughter call me mommy can I play with this toy? a women with her wide eyes ask me : are all this your children... yes !! I say so proud !! Are all of them from the same men ? My mouth drop, and I said , actually no, one is from
The newspaper men, the other from the milk men, the other from the mail men and the other from ummm... I don’t know ....my husband laugh so hard, he had tears in his eyes from laughing, and I was mad..lol . Some people really don’t know how to keep their curiosity in their minds, they just ask questions that is hurtful and ugly. AND none of their business. They just can’t help it , they HAVE to ask... why ???
I’m so glad that you spoke about ethical adoption. I’ve realized that so many people don’t know how common selling children is.
Such an on point video. I loved your point that love doesn’t fix all. There’s absolutely no shame in getting professional help. Also, I HATE being asked if my adopted brother is my “real” brother. Of course he is! He’s just as much my brother as my biological one. The moment I saw him I knew he would be my baby brother forever and I would love him infinitely
Me, my sister and my brother are all adopted but from different mothers. We were adopted as babies. My parents never refer to any of us as their 'adopted children.' I really do think that's it's important that all parents who have adopted to treat their adopted child/children as they would their own. And to anyone out their who'd embarrassed about being adopted, it's ok, be proud of it. ❤️
As an adoptive parent, you really nailed the very important points. I wish that I had known these things when we adopted our kids. Thank you for sharing with those who are hoping, planning to adopt in the future!
You are so right. I’m a foster and adoptive parent. Love isn’t always enough. We are approaching another adoption and guess what? We love this child and he does love us, but misses his mother who is giving him up for adoption. I’ve had him in my home for 4 years and time doesn’t erase all wounds. It’s HARD.
So true. Time doesn't always heal all wounds 💜
My only child is adopted through foster care. I love him more than words can express and appreciate your first few points so much. I was SO happy to be placed with him and chosen to care for him but was acutely aware that what many people saw as one of the best days of my life was one of the worst of his, as he had been taken away from his home environment with very little warning or explanation. It has taken a ton of therapy to build a somewhat secure attachment with him, and we still have challenges due to not only his past trauma but Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, but I wouldn’t trade my child or experience anything. Thank you for taking the time to share your story! ❤️❤️❤️
I've been watching you for about a month and this is how deep the wounding can be... This morning I was thinking I wonder why I enjoy watching Angela so much? I actually started with your decluttering videos. And while watching this video it dawned on me...duh!! I was adopted!!! I'm 62 and I just don't think about it very often. But you speak the truth when you say adoption is about loss because it truly is. My first memory of feeling melancholy I was three or four and I struggled with that and depression through my twenties. I found my birth family at 28 after my adoptive parents had passed away. I was adopted at 3 months and I loved my adopted parents so so so much. They were just MY parents. We adopted my brother four years after me and he and I are very close too. They were fabulous and saved my life! It's been quite the journey. My birth father recently passed away and I led him to the Lord before he died. I am very close with my birth mother and strangely we are a lot alike. I am so grateful that I was adopted but it truly has colored every aspect of my life. Abandonment and rejection and sadness are somethings the Lord is still healing me of. It's almost gone and rarely comes up. Thank you Angela for your honesty and candor. God bless you sweetheart for rescuing these sweet babies. That's certainly how I feel about my parents.
What a neat comment! I’m so glad you know that you don’t have to walk the journey alone, and Jesus knows your innermost hurt ❤️ God bless you on your continued journey.
My heart is hurting for you and the sense of loss and loneliness you had to experience from such an early age. Please know that I am sending lots of internet love and positive thoughts your way.
We have three amazing children all adopted from Korea. They are now 25, 22 and 21. We use to get that one a lot, "Are they really brothers and sisters?". That one bothered me but my personal "least favorite" was "How much did they cost?". 😳 We did not "purchase" our children! If you would like to discuss details privately some time I would be glad to chat with you but not in front of my children. 😊 God bless you and your beautiful family!!
I never thought about family members feeling obliged to know things.
3:00 it starts
After the recent adoption rehoming scandal, I'm glad I stumbled upon this video. Thank you for this simple and clear perspective!
my eanglish is limited and still I want to express my love to your family ,your experiences.You are wise and I got alot from you.
I’m not an adoptive parent, or even really interested at this time..but I loved this! It was so informative and enlightening! Thank you for being vulnerable and open!
I think that bringing in professional resources IS love. 💜
I started watching your channel just before you adopted Rosie and the reason I’ve continued watching is because of how impressed I am with the knowledge that you have of adoption. I’m adopted and you are one of the very few non adopted people who understands the intricacy of adoption and the adoption triad. I wish more parents had a deeper understanding of the trauma associated with adoption prior to adopting. I appreciate you.
I love what you said about protecting your child’s story and modeling that they don’t have to answer questions...etc... I honestly wish this was talked about more. Also, thank you so much for the hard work you put in with the free adoption recourses! ❤️
Yes girl, PREACH! We brought our son home this past October and we're starting to experience a lot of the things you mentioned. When it comes to people asking questions, I've found a good "Why do you ask?" or "Why do you want to know?" with the right tone either makes people walk away or re-evaluate why they asked ____.
My husband and I adopted 3 foster children. The first two were 2 and 4 years old, and the third was 6 weeks old when they came to us. I totally agree that adoption is beautiful, but there is so much more involved. We went into it thinking "love is enough". It is not. All three are grown now and it has been an incredible, wonderful, and at times painful journey. I think it is great to be open and honest...realistic. I would never want to discourage adoption, but just help others understand and be prepared that it is a unique, sometimes challenging journey.
I´m not even married - nor do I have a partner, but I´ve always known that one day I would like to have not just biological children but also adopted ones.
Hi Angela. Been watching you for about 5 years. 2 years ago I started the process for embryo adoption. I had some failures along the way but am very happy that I am now over 5 months pregnant. I just want to say that your videos have been really beneficial for me in helping me make decisions for starting my family. I hope that one day I will also do an international adoption, hopefully for my second baby. Thanks for providing your viewers with well informed resources on adoption, and for sharing your experience. It's helping me a lot!
Congratulations!! I'm sure you'll be an amazing mom!! 💕💕
Oh my goodness! Congratulations ♥️
Interesting that this particular vlog appeared in my recommendations today considering the headline news about fellow TH-camr Myka Stauffer re-homing her 4yr old son whom she adopted from China two and a half years ago. Poor little Huxley. 😢 My heart literally breaks for him. 💔
Myka Stauffer should’ve watched this before she adopted....
My husband are just in the beginning conversations stage about adoptions. Thank you SO much for your wealth of knowledge. ❤️❤️❤️
So cool! My husband and I are in the process of being licensed to adopt. Angie's resources have been really helpful! 💜
I'm 18. I am scared to death of pregnancy. but I want children. so informing my self now would be best, cause i KNOW it's a long complicated process
Tears are welling ❤ thank you for the reality check but yet it makes me want to adopt even more. Love isn't enough and then how much you have to fight for your family really stood out to me.
Impeccable timing as my husband and I are about to officially adopt our little girl from foster care!!!!! Also, the guide is amazing and I am very grateful for you and the time you took to put it together! Thank you!
This is the most honest, rounded and rich video on adoption I’ve seen. Brilliant. Acknowledge, understand and accept the whole of the child, the whole of their story including any extra needs is just healthy. But I’ve never seen anyone else address this head on.
Thank you! Thank you for being open, honest, vulnerable and real. My husband and I are about to enter the “waiting” period for domestic adoption.
Your selfless love, your compassion and honesty is refreshing. I love how real you keep it.
Amen!!! Love sometimes isn’t enough, such a hard thing
Adoption had always been on my heart, even when I was in high school. I just have no idea where to start and this video has definitely helped put to ease some irrational fears I had. Thank you.
A lot of these points have been heavy on my mind the past few days and this came at the perfect time. Looking forward to reading the guide you put together. Thank you so much!
Adoptive mama here, thanks for bringing TRUTH! Nice job, girl 👍🏻
As a adopted child this was amazing to watch and I hope other adoptive parents watch this and take it to heart
Hi Angela, I was just wondering if you have ever done a video on your personal experience with your open adoption? I didnt realize any of your kiddos had one. How you decided on open? How the first mama felt about it? What does "open" look like for your family? Do they know you have a youtube channel? I know you have to be incredibly careful what you share, but if theres an appropriate way to answer any of those its be awesome. Im sure theres lots of people on your channel who would love a video about what to know about open adoptions
she's said before she won't go into the details of their adoption or her kiddo's relationship with their birth family :)
Thank you so much for passing on your wisdom on the subject of adoption!! As a foster parent who will someday be adopting one or more of these children I want to know everything thing I possibly can to make the best life possible for my children!! I wish we could sit down and just talk about everything, but I know that is not possible. This video and all of your other adoption related videos have helped me so much!!
Thank you so so much for the resource! I just had my homestudy this week so I'm just getting started in the process, and I so so appreciate it!
I’m in no way shape or form ready to start a family but I really enjoy watching these kind of videos! I really appreciate the honesty you always give us on such an important subject ❤️❤️ Thank you Angie!
As an adult adoptee, I appreciate you adding us in the mix of people to read up on for future adoptive parents ❤️ We definitely have a voice that hasn’t been heard from and deserves a voice and a platform, so thank you.
I love this! Thank you for sharing.. I just had my first son 3 months ago and about 6 weeks after he was born we were faced with the decision on whether or not to take custody of a 1-year-old family member. Obviously, the answer was yes, but it scared me so much. I find hope and strength in your channel. I look up to you alot! Its easy to be all for adoption until you are faced with the reality of it within your own family. Thank you for being such a great example and role model 💛
My sister was adopted so I can understand and relate to what you are talking about based on what I watched my parents go through (especially when the questions arise about us being related). I was a teenager and she was 8 when it all took place...it was definitely neat hearing all of these things from your perspective as a mother and all of the things put into it that I was not old enough to understand at the time.
As an adoptive mother, and if you don’t mind, I’d like to add a thing to that list: The way you raise your biological children will not always translate to your adopted child well. For some it may be a smoother transition (save for the obvious traumas that may present themselves). And for others, it just may not click and you’ll need to reevaluate how to get through to your child in a way they understand. Even for those adopted from birth/infancy. I’m still learning this every day 4yrs in.
Melinda Mercier Don‘t you think this is just because every child is different? I mean even biological siblings have different needs. No judgement just wondering ❤️
I'm so glad you said this. My husband and I are almost done with paperwork to become foster parents. We have a 10 yr old, 8 yr old, 2 yr old, and I'm due in August. I like to think that I have a lot of "tools" in my parenting "tool bag" but these kids come with trauma that I can't even begin to imagine or understand. It's a good reminder than we can't force children to bend to our way, they need us to be flexible!
I am only 14 but I know that adoption is my life goal and I’m so beyond excited to grow up and be able to adopt. I am a biological child I have been through trauma and love most definitely isn’t enough especially when you haven’t been shown it until it’s too late and I’d really love to help other children x
I’ve been subscribed to and watched both of your channels for quite some time and I have to say this was hands down the best video you’ve put out! (not that I’m finding fault with your other ones) I’m 56 and have had legal custody and raising two of my granddaughters ages 12 and 9 for over 8 years now. A few years ago their 18 month old half brother was at risk of going into foster care so we took custody of him in order to keep them together. He is now 4 and a half. There are many days I have felt “too old for this job” or worried that I’m not enough for their needs. Your advise was so practical and resonated with me. It’s not easy and yes these children too ‘come from loss” so it’s more than just taking care of them. It’s helping to heal those emotional scares and trying to appropriately answer their questions and other , well meaning people’s questions, and yes fighting for them on so many levels. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom on this subject.
We are foster parents who are about to adopt our foster child. We are SO excited!!! I’m videoing my journey through the adoption process to also help those doing this. Thanks for your video!!! And great idea giving resources. There was so little info out there when we started our journey and I feel still is.
Working with traumatised children and being a traumatised person my self. The first point is so so important ❤
You are so eloquent and have so much wisdom to share. Well said
How perfect. I was just delivered our completed homestudy packet TODAY!
This brought tears to my eyes. So beautiful and amazing.
Thank you Angela, that is so helpful and encouraging. We adopted our triplet sons 7 years ago and learnt so much in this journey. Thank you for sharing this information, wish I could have known that going into adoption.
Blessings to you and your family!
I have been asked if my children are real sisters a lot and they are biological sisters it's just that they don't look a like because we are interracial family. One of my girls skin is like mine and one is like my husband . It makes me so irritated .
we are interracial as well and my husband is actually biracial (but people just say hes black). My daughter is white. People ask all the time if hes really her Dad. I dread to think what people will say when my hubby and I add a child thats mixed to all this. So irritating
I am constantly shocked (though I shouldn't be) at the comments some people feel like they can make to strangers! My husband and I have 3 kids (4th coming in August) and people have asked before if they have the same dad! 😳 Even if they didn't all look alike (they do 😆) that's such an inappropriate thing to ask someone!
Your honesty and openness is admirable. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story and life with us.
Thank you for putting this out there. While we are tossing the idea of adoption around, I also needed to hear this to make me a better person. I don’t need to ask those kinds of questions to families. Yes I’m curious, but is it really my place to ask questions when I just meet them! No. I don’t need to do that. I can just encourage tell them what a beautiful family they have and leave them better then I found them. ♥️ thank you for that bit alone!
LOVED this. As an adoptive mother of 4 biological siblings, I feel and have lived 2-4 for 13 years now.
I still needed to hear #1. We are going through one really rough times with one of our kids, and found that love wasn't enough. We have been able to use the Aid Society through which our adoptions were processed as a wonderful resource for additional services. Yet I still needed to convince myself it was okay to ask. /Lesley
Man, I have so much to learn. I wouldn't even know what questions to ask. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
I'm impressed with your restraint at the ridiculousness of some of those comments. I'm not a mother yet, but just hearing those things made my fists want to start flying. People really need to think before they speak, and in some cases, not waste a good opportunity to shut up. 😉😊
Thank you for sharing! Love your family and wisdom you share! Thank you for bringing up the real siblings! We are all adopted and have heard that for years! Ug
Angela, you are amazing! And your videos are amazing! Have you considered being a consultant? I think about adopting, but I’m single, almost 50, and scared to your first point, that my love may not be enough, and then what...that child deserves a mom and dad and siblings, and I don’t think I’m enough. But I still watch you...I can’t believe people are so bold to ask those kinds of intimate details.
I really have so much respect for you. Praying for you. Blessings from South Africa
Love this video! I want to adopt one day and I’m grateful that you share about adoption to help those of us that want to adopt.
I am less than 4 minutes into this video and am already cheering that you are saying what is hard to say. Love isn't always enough, but it is ok to seek counseling and therapy. Trauma is HARD, y'all. Thank you for speaking truth and always being open and honest with your heart!! ❤️
I was sent a shirt that said Love is Enough by a well meaning person. And I love what you said about it because it didn’t really feel right to me! Love is not always enough. BUT Gods love for me is enough even when I am not! So I am thankful for that!
Angela, there's another hard truth that you may not be able to tell until your children are adults. There will be behaviors and attitudes that your child may display that you will not recognize as anything they are modeling from your home's influence. "They weren't raised that way" We adopted our first child in 1977 and the last in 1987 - the only baby adoption. The youngest was open with both parents and I can tell you that I see attitudes and behaviors that are totally foreign to their dad and me, but that I see displayed in the birth family. I, too, viewed adoption through rose-colored glasses and thought love was enough. I'm a better grandparent than I was parent because I no longer question why the grandchildren behave as they do. I just keep on loving them and accepting them.
This video is so informative. I feel like I act like you in so many aspects. Thank you for being so open and honest.
Hi Angela , just filled my husband in on " your adoptive journey" and he asked me why you chose to adopt out of the country (USA) we have adopted 3 through DSS ..... this video has been great thank you
God bless you for answering strangers questions so nicely. I will probably have to bite my lip so hard to stop myself from telling them the way I really feel. People can be so pushy an insensitive. I am so happy you are teaching them that they don't owe anyone any explanation of anything.
Thank you! Although the my three children came to me through adoption more than 20yrs ago, your words resonated with me so much that time stood still. I'm not meaning to be dramatic here but the words..'Love is not enough ,' brought a lot of forgotten emotions and thoughts back into focus. Things that I had ' forgotten ', so not sure thank you is enough. I have had to find time this evening to rethink and turnover things about the two adoptions, with 20+yes hindsight.
One thing I would add to your 5 things is ..I wish I would have known the impact on my marriage, maybe as you say , asked deeper questions about us as a couple and listened more. Wonderful insight and honesty on your part for this many thanks.🇬🇧👩👦👩👧👦
Thank you for sharing your honest reflections on adoption. We had an adoption in our family that didn’t work out and people are quick to judge. But it’s a very complex process and, as you say, love is not always enough.
This video was so helpful and very informative, I wish you all the best in everything and people have to know that there are great adoptive mothers out there and you are one of them...
I’m thinking about adopting and this video is very informative. Two major keys that stick with me are counseling is helpful and privacy is a necessity! Thanks ❤️
As someone who is adopted I think it would have helped my family if we all had professional help at the start. It is a trauma and it does affect your life in various ways but I was incredibly lucky to have super special parents who I adored, so even though there were some difficulties, their love saw me through.
These things will be help for me in near future. Thanks for sharing us with your experience ☺️
Great video!!! There is so much to learn about adoption and as an adoptive parent (through the foster care system) I know I have had a big learning curve along the way. The ethics of international adoption have always made me a bit wary about it. Thank you for this guide, I will check it out! Love your heart Angela and how you always share with such grace
Thank you for your video! Would you consider making a video of firmly and gracefully responding to some of the hurtful questions from others (not necessarily out of malice, but lack of proper adoption-related education for the most part)?
Thank you ! Also I’m super excited about your book and I’m glad you are doing the the reading for you book !
*Sorry for the long post* I am a Birth Mother in the UK. I did not consent to the adoption of one of my children and spent almost 5 years fighting my case. I have regular contact with my son who lives with paternal grandparents. I won't go into details because it is not just my story to tell, it is that of my husband's and most importantly, my children. I have met my daughter's adoptive parents and they were a lovely couple. I get a letter once a year and i write back. I just wanted to say that i love your videos and think you are such a lovely person. I love how you choose to keep certain pieces of information private because of protecting your children. I think that i share a very different view of adopters compared to most birth families and although i have been very angry and hurt i just feel that if you can, you need to put your feelings aside as a birth parent and focus on the needs of the child. Originally i did not want to meet the adopters and i felt very hostile but in the end i realised - they haven't done this to us. I decided to put my daughter first, meet her adopters and the way i see it, asl ong as she is loved and well cared for, and does best by my child i cannot ask for more. I see it as my daughter has more than 1 family to love her. I will always be her biological mum and she will always have a biological family. If she chooses to make contact in the future then that will be a blessing. But if not, i will completely respect her wishes. I realise there are no expectations but it needs to be comfortable for her and us. I will always be true to her and hope she can be true to us. I have a massive photo album for her to see right from the preg test to the last contact. I have a memory box and each birthday she gets a card from us, her brother, nanny and aunt & Uncle and they go in her box. She gets a helium balloon and once deflated it goes in the box. She gets christmas cards which go in the box. Our lives do not continue without her she is always a part of our family. I realise that had this have been a case of consensual adoption then things would be very different. But myself and my family will always do what we need to in order to cope with this... loss so to speak because it is a loss and loss is never just death. I just wish that many birth parents put the needs of the child before their own. Meeting the adopters benefitted us our peace of mind but also so the adopters can say they have met us. It was good for our daughter's benefit especially to share info about her with eachother. We simply had to make decisions for our daughter in her best interests regardless of how hurtful or difficult it was for us. I hope that she is loved unconditionally, encouraged to be happy with who she is and to live a happy life. I just wish that sometimes adopters didn't have such a bad impression of how birth parents are expected to be as (like adopters) we are not all the same. Thank you again for your wonderful videos x
Wanted to express that you’re such an inspiration; just in your compassion, dedication, and ability to grow. Best of luck with everything and everyone
My favorite TH-camr! You are an amazing Mother! I appreciate your advice and love your videos!!!
Thanks so much for this video and resource guide!
I appreciate the acknowledgment that love alone doesn’t heal/fix things.
When they grow up and in my case, and two of my friends that loss you are speaking of comes out in different ways. I loved my daughter just like my biological children, but when she became an adult I realized that she didn’t love us like we loved her. There is a part that longs to know her natural parents, though she wanted nothing to do with her culture, so after her first year of college we sent her to her home country through Holts. The first thing she said, when she came home was, “I was around all those Asians and it didn’t bother me. “ I was thrilled, God answered my prayers. She ended up marrying a wonderful Japanese man, but was shocked her first born looked “so Asian”. I still pray she will experience a miracle and God will bring her in touch with her bio mom. I want the best for her!
WOW! What a wonderfully, real and informative vlog. Priceless wisdom. 🙏
Thank you so much for your truth in this video and for having such a heart to adopt Gods beautiful children and give them a loving , caring home .
Thank you so much for putting your energy into this and making it free.
I totally would have paid for this. One of my 2020 resolutions is to research adoption and you just boosted me toward that goal.
What a wonderful, beautiful and informative video. Thanks Angie!
My feelings on adoption are that the child is very special and should know they are a chosen one and that makes them special to no end. I also have the utmost feeling that adoptive parents have a great quality since adoption is for everyone. It takes very special people and the children are very lucky to have people in the world that want and chose them. My heart and prayers go out to adoptive parents and children.
As an adopted person this video was surprisingly cathartic for me