"you are adopting a child not a solution." We are real people. We grow up. Stop erasing our stories and our lives. We didn't just fall from the sky. We deserve our heritage, our names, our original birth certificates. We deserve our identity.
This is the first time I've understood myself in 42 years. I was treated for bipolar from 12 to 36 years old (misdiagnosed). I now know I have untreated ptsd. This video has helped change my life. Thank you.
I'm a 53yr old adoptee and it's only occurred to me recently that it wasn't Me, this I, who was chosen. It was 'A Baby'. I was a wildly unprepared understudy for the girl who never was. Here's a poem I wrote about closed adoption, 'Borrowed History' A borrowed history A second hand life A true heritage denied This stranger sapling grafted to your family tree. And the story told to them and me... “You are special, you were chosen, we were lucky” So you won. Here's your prize. A commodity baby, a charity child Love conditionality and gratitude implied Woken from connection and amniotic peace To a secret story of threefold grief
WOW!!! This is INCREDIBLE! I'm a BSE adoptee, of course was in a closed adoption, 60yo. I wonder if you would mind if I someday got brave enough to post this poem on my FB wall, giving credit to you (or not, if you prefer)? It's so incredibly depictive of what we feel in closed adoptions!
@@chrysanthemumfan214Ah, I’m so glad it resonated with you… it’s such a strange position to be in, and it wasn’t until my 40’s and read The Primal Wound that I realised how profoundly being adopted affected had me, all of us… I’d love you to post it, and would love for you to be brave & speak Your truth. I’m terrified but finally ready to stick my head above the parapet and do the same (You can only be brave when you’re scared, otherwise you’re just doing stuff innit?) Do it! Be you… she’s amazing
@@noemiamorphous Thank you soooo much! I’m working on it! I’ve been writing things on my FB wall, but carefully-worded in winsome language so people don’t get their shackles up and can have the ability to listen. It’s very delicate and a difficult line to walk. Most people seem to take no notice, or else, don’t leave feedback if they do read what I write. It’s discouraging. But if enough of us do it, and people hear it from different sources, it might begin to “stick”. This is my prayer and great hope! Thank you soooo much for the permission to post your incredible poem!!! I want to write adoption poetry, but don’t know where to begin! I really admire your way with words!!!
I was adopted by a mean woman and loving father. I recently found my birth mother using a private investigator. But the experience was costly and devastating 😢 💔 she didn't respond to any of the was I tried contacting her, she still doesn't want me. I'm so broken and no one I'm around understands 😭😭
You are not alone. I was also rejected by my birth mom and am trying to come to terms with her rejection. Would love research on this experience. I feel for you. I found that reading books helps. I read Lorraine Dusky’s books as she writes about the subject. Hope this helps.
@@jlovethequeen1872 please join an adoptee community. You are NOT alone. My adoptive mother was a mean witch too and my birth mother also rejected me. You are not alone friend. Not alone.
No one should have to go 18+ years without knowing where and from whom they came from. Secrecy and sealed records that prevent someone knowing their identity is a crime!
For anyone watching this and thinking this is "just her", I please would like to refer you to the seminal book, "Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency" by Sharon Roszia and Alison Maxon. This book is used by therapists to learn about adoptee issues. Its concepts are endorsed by the U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services on its Child Welfare Information Gateway website. Articles on these seven core issues exist there and as external links offered there. This is NOT "just her". This is COMMON. "Identity" is one of the 7 core issues we face and with which we must wrestle as a transplant into a different family with a different culture, way of being, traits, etc. than that of our biological family.
Everything you are saying resonates with my entire being. Just wow. Thank you so much. I’m only 25, and I always knew I was adopted. But I’m only now having the courage to investigate my trauma, those underlying patterns of behaviors that sincerely prevent me from loving myself wholeheartedly. You said “if you’re an adoptee, find other adoptees.” How? It feels like when I do find another adoptee, they aren’t willing to talk about it. It feels like everyone adoptee I’ve met growing up has been well adjusted, doesn’t care/doesn’t seem to be affected by it, etc. I just feel so completely alone in my emotional struggles.
I have to talk about it. Found out by accident when I was 7 "Oh that's just Johns adopted daughter!* as I was coming down the stairs. Turned my life around for the better and worst. For the better cause I NEVER got like I belonged but worse because when I found my birth mom she was literally mad I found her the 10+ years later when she was ready to meet me, she died right before we could meet face to face from kidney failure. Leitz im ready to talk if you are💖
Ruth, my name is Debby. I've just joined thought leaders and listened to your talk. There is so much I want to say to you but mostly Yes and Amen. I am a birth mother about to see my 37 year old son and his wife at my parents' 60th wedding anniversary party today. My parents required me to give him up in 84. So many layers. I desperately wish everyone knew then what we know now. Thank you for bringing the truth to light. Identity, restoration, belonging and cellular "knowing". I hope you and I can connect. Congratulations on your poignant and vastly important talk.
As an adoptee, I felt unaffected until I became a mom at age 36. That was profound when met the twins I carried. Nurture is undoubtedly important, but nature should not be ignored.
I felt the same way meeting my son! Almost every day I think to myself "it's so nice to be related to someone in my family." Finally got a therapist who knows about adoption trauma and who's helped me work through so many things!
As a late discovery adoptee, I assure you that it was FAR worse than finding out that there was no Santa. I didn't find out that I was adopted until I was 32. It was like getting kicked in the chest by a horse. Adopting is not your cure to mental health and fertility issues. We aren't your "right." Having children is a privilege that not everyone deserves.
@@PatriciaNtsie-gz7gu I'm so sorry, fellow adoptee. How are you doing at this point? I hope you have a group of adoptees with whom to process this. What a betrayal!
@@PatriciaNtsie-gz7guso sad! I always knew but was able to talk about it when they both died. It was a secret for the outside and i just had to be gratefull. Go online and find people to talk to. This is very important! You are not alone!!
I am a grandmother who lost her grandchild to adoption even after begging for kinship care. I tried to explain this to them but they refused to even listen. I lost my son and grandchild the day she was born.
I'm so incredibly sorry! What dishonor this was on their part, what betrayal. I so wish my grandparents had fought to keep me in my family. Even though I adored my late adoptive parents, I hate being adopted. They were the ones who pushed me out. You are wonderful! I really hope your grandson tries to find you someday before you pass away, and that you can both have a nice and meaningful relationship.
Great talk. Great validation as an adoptee. Thank you. I also found out I am still a secret and rejected by my mother once again. It’s a life long wave of emotions… yes, and 👍
Just to let others know who may be reading this, most natural mothers and fathers DO want to know what happened to their children lost to adoption, almost 100% according to statistics. I am very sorry that your natural mother did not want to meet you Ruth. Thank you for getting the truth out there about adoption. Great job!
I'm so sorry that you did not get to have a relationship with your bio mom. She doesn't know what she lost in not knowing you. Thank you for your courage in telling your story. It helps many others talk about theirs, too.
It's nice to hear her story. I'm an adoptee too, and sad to say, you rarely here other guy adoptees talk about it. On rare occasion I meet someone, but over my life that's only happened maybe twice. It's not something people understand well, and it's hard to share due to some of the weird and bad reactions. Anyway, found this off a random search. If any other adoptees want to chat, I'm around. I had a pretty good experience, but the identity issues... yeah, I hear what she's saying on that.
Thanks so much for listening! re are other adoptees around, and yes, this is not frequently discussed because of, “weird and bad reactions.” You hit that right on the head! There are many adoptee groups out there….community really helps.
Thank you for sharing. I’m a birthfather that gave up my son in 1986. I don’t want to go into details but I did believe that it was best for him. I’ve wondered about him ever since and do hope that he finds me someday. I’ve tried to make it easy by being on adoption registry sites for years but I’m only doing the DNA registry now. All of my family and many of my friends know about this part of my life. I didn’t want to have to be explaining this at a very emotional time if he ever finds me. My family will welcome him with open arms. I am not sure what to say if he asks about his mother. I know that she moved on and kept it a secret from everyone. This may have changed but I’m worried that she will reject him. I am truly grateful to his parents that adopted him. I was allowed to meet them and they seemed great. They did have fertility problems and my son was most welcome with them. They planned for him to always know that he was adopted. It actually would be hard to keep secret since his complexion is way darker than theirs.
I hope you can find him, but just fyi we end up homeless, in prison, dead early, and its a really bad sign they were infertile, people who are adopting for that reason aren’t child centered they’re doing it for themselves, and want to play house with someone else’s baby, and the complexity of their trauma not being able to have their own child is never worked on in therapy, so since babies aren’t medical bandages and it never heals them they grow resentment, I’ve seen a lot of foggy adoptees who have so much abandonment trauma they’ll develop a Stockholm syndrome and a fear and obligation guilt for their adopters and deny their own identity and humanity to appease them too, so that’s why they won’t come looking, scared of a second rejection etc, some adoptees live kinda normalish lives, but many like myself turned into adoptee killer statistic for the psychology books, some end up like Monroe famous but also suicidal, but I’m sure the average adoptee is somewhere in the middle of Ted bundy, Marlyn Monroe… and Edgar Allen Poe, maybe a sassy mix of all of them 🎉 I hope you reunite and it maybe hard but the best things in life are after a lot of work and healing. Sending you and yours love.
@@samanthahaynes5289Agree 100% with all you explained. These truths MUST somehow be made public knowledge. The resistance is fierce due to greed and selfishness. Adoptees suffer their entire lives.
@@scottallen3921 well, my white adopters hid my ethnicity and adoption from me. I found out by accident at 32. My bio mom said they seemed like good people too. Brown babies should be raised by brown families.
Well said and thank you. I'm a reunited adoptee of 31 years now. Still working out who and what I am. I sought out an adoption friendly therapist in the early years and also a support group made up of adoptees and birth mothers. These two things were life savers for me. Recommend others do the same. Be king and patient with yourselves as you navigate your feelings and emotions. Matters of the heart only heal and repair at the hearts own pace. It took me about 5 to 7 years for my heart to come to terms with being reunited and accept all the new (familial) information. So be patient with yourself and don't try to rush it. Love to everyone on their personal journeys. Love Bob
What a perfect piece, and the timing of a fellow adoptee sending this link to me this evening has to be providential. I had just posted a rant on my fb page about adoption and the ignorance of the general populace who have swallowed the Kool-Aid and think that "your mother loved you so much that she gave you away" but they can't seem to reconcile the fact that that actually means that love equals abandonment. 😕💔 I had the privilege of attending an AAC conference in San Francisco in the 1990's and the takeaway was that we must educate, educate, educate. Here we are, decades later, and it feels like hitting ones head on a wall at times. I am so angry at the people who say, "Im sorry you feel that way. I know an adopted person and their life is wonderful. They're so *grateful* and feel chosen blah blah blah".... like a puppy from the pound, perhaps?? 🤷♀️🤔💔 I mentioned the same statistics about the suicide rate in my rant. I believe the number of adoptees in prisons and mental health facilities are also skewed for adoptees. Oh, but you must be the only one who feels that way. 😡😡😡
I have almost the same story. My birth father wasn’t told about me. He was in Vietnam. My birth mother got rid of me. She had more means and opportunities than my adoptive parents. She was unwed in the 60’s and that was shameful at the time. When it was legal I looked but was shut down. My birth mother threatened me with a restraining order if I tried to find my family. She’s dead and I did find them all. Her shame kept her silent. She is now voiceless and her cruel behavior is her legacy.
@@elizabeth4444_4 My father was serving his country when I was being relinquished without his consent. The US made unwed mothers feel shame like they still do now. If people with beliefs like you weren’t so judgmental many adoptees wouldn’t have lost their families. Your beliefs cost many babies to be separated from their families unnecessarily. You lack empathy.
This is such an important and validating talk. I am not adopted, but I am friends with, and have family members, who were adopted. Adoption is layered and complex. This is so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. But we are all connected by our stories. Around 11:20 you talk about concealing parts of us and how it's not possible and no one should conceal a part of themselves just because society is uncomfortable with it. This applies to all of us. As humans, we need to be heard, understood and validated. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Great job! I appreciate your vulnerability and the clarity with which you told your story. It is so relatable. I will be adding this to my resource list.
Thank you for sharing this. I am 33 years old and I only found out three weeks ago that I was adopted when I was a few days old. I found out after finally managing to get my mother to do a DNA test. It's been a rough few weeks and finding a community that is so caring, understanding and empathetic has been the amazing side to all this. At the start I felt a loneliness that I think is incredibly difficult to describe unless you've gone through it.
She right about the adoptee view point! I love my parents but i was bullied throughout my whole life and being adopted was one of the reasons why i was bullied! I'm Asian and my parents are white Itialian, so everyone could see they weren't "my real parents"! My birth parents didn't want me and I didn't know what happened to them! I don't care, I'm to angry to forgive them! My birth mom and father never wanted me! Ive been going to therapy for 3/4 months finally working on through my adoption! I'm 30 and I've been angry all My life, I know why I was put up for adoption but I've been angry about it for 20 years!!
An amazing story! So well done. And very engaging. I'm amazed at how your core qualities were characteristics found in your birth family. You were being you. I've know many adoptees who have seemed a bit lost. The attitude has always been that they should just be thankful that someone took them in. It's a real struggle.
Incredible talk. After getting cancer, it made me seek out my birth parents and siblings. It’s been an incredible experience. My father has passed. My mother is alive, but has dementia. I hope to meet her. I am the daughter of a historic figure in the Los Angeles County Fire Department. And my mother is a full blooded Lakota from South Dakota. She came to Los Angeles during the government relocation program in the 1960’s.
Such an important message that must be shared with the world! You really gave us an inside view on how it feels to be an adoptee. Thank you for the power of your vulnerability in sharing this intimate story and message Ruth. You are a gem.
I can so relate to this lady. My birth mother didn’t want to do anything with me. Even after I had to find her due to my medical issues a few years ago. I only wanted to thank her for giving me life. I don’t need to reconcile with her even though I wished she had wanted me.
Ruth, this was amazing to hear. I really appreciate this perspective. I hadn't thought of things like you proposed them before. Thank you for your courage in standing on that stage and sharing with the world.
I was adopted and just found out who my father was last year, I was 53 and suddenly a different ethnicity to what I was bought up to believe. I am still trying to figure out who I am, neither of my parents want contact, but I have contact with aunt's and uncles. I will look into the therapist situation, I tried therapy last year and the person I saw wasn't helpful or understanding.
I enjoyed your talk. It captured some very important parts of adoptive identity. I applaud you for speaking, and I hope your message is shared far and wide. It's such a difficult topic because it is so personal and because the criticism for daring to speak can be brutal. Give yourself permission to omit any line that is followed by, "That's not what this is about." I applaud your courage.
As an adoptee myself, i learnt at an early age from a statement by Bob Marley (i am paraphrasing it )" You cant truly move forward if you dont know where you came from".. I always envied those who have a culture, a family identity.. People who arent adopted always say ah, it doesnt matter, your adopted parents still loved you. Thats a seperate thing, its not the point. I have tried in vain for 40 years but still have no clue who my birth mother is. It was hard navigating through an evergrowing multicultural society not knowing your own true heritage. Every second person asking, what nationality are you? People have asked over time if i was Greek, Arab , Maltese, Turkish, Bosnian, Spanish. Chilean... A DNA test showed i was 100% Celt, apparently bits from Ireland,Scotland,France and Spain. I just seem to have a multi ehnic appearance! But it would be nice if my government could release the secretive information as to my birth parents. Their medical history would definately help too. Who knows, maybe one fine day...
In the process of adopting. These testimonials and stories allow me perspective to be a better parent. The way I think of Adoption is that it is first and foremost vital to not think about my own comfort zone. I want my child to know everything. Ideally an open adoption, and hopefully where the biological mother will be able to have some level of contact (this is not always possible unfortunately). Thank you for your story. This is tremendously helpful as my wife and I navigate through this. I find it strange to think that a birth certificate would list anyone other than the child’s biological parents. I know a lot has changed but my hope is that the adoption process as a whole continues to see improvement to diminish added pain through erasure of identity. This never works.
My older sister was given up as a baby. We share the same dad - different mothers. My mom wanted me and kept me. She worked very hard to find her birth mother and father. And after all that she is Nothing like our dad. And I only met her birth mom at her wedding. My sister is 18 years older than me. Talk about an awkward wedding. Adopting parents, angry birth mom, scared of the birth mom, birth dad (our dad), me and my mom. And a bunch of adoption related family. Fast forward to present day. She has been divorced twice. Adopted 3 children - no babies. Only talks to 2 of her kids. Has no female friends. And tries to date men my age - 20 years younger. I noticed, She isn't able to bond with ppl, she pulls the victim card out a lot, low self-esteem and all of the typical adoptee behaviors. I had to stop communicating with her because she became a bully towards me. More important than an Open Adoption is get them in adoption therapy/psychiatrist asap and for the entirety of their life.
@@roxrocks7023 Your sister might be more like one of your paternal grandparents, or aunts or uncles. Heredity sometimes skips a generation or moves sideways. It's a really odd thing! I'm so sorry this is how it has ended up for her, and for you & her as sister! Bonding can be a real challenge for many adoptees. 😞
@chrysanthemumfan214 We have become a strong team in the last little bit. Our father has been diagnosed with vascular dementia and can no longer drive. We worked together to get dad solid supports and help plus a routine. Our communication has improved.
Thank you so much for speaking these truths Ruth❤️ you did so bravely, and didn’t sugar coat anything. You presented in a way that was gentle but real. As an adoptee trying to navigate understanding adoption trauma it’s so helpful to hear other adoptees talk about the truth and complexity of adoption. For anyone (mostly, kept people and non adoptive parents) who wont take what you said as truth….they don’t really Care for the truth.
Thanks Ruth, you told your truth so beautifully and it helped me in my own identity confusion. Even though our stories are different parts are similar. I’m very thankful I met you today. Your talk answered some of the questions I had. I’m hoping that our paths cross again, you brought a rainbow into my cloud and of all the travels I’ve done i can honestly say that the journey to find myself, my identity has been the most elusive but rewarding one ♥️💃🏽🦉
I am adopted yes but adoption does not define me. Our truth goes way beyond DNA it is a golden thread weaved in and out of both our biological and adoptive lineages something I've been exploring for a few years. Yes we live in two worlds dealing with the complexities of this process and healing the trauma and grief are possible. Supporting you on your message and all those involved in the Trifecta of this process. We are all here for a much bigger reason ...❤
I was but a tumour that needed to be removed, much like you Ruth. It's not always the person sought that will provide what you seek. I have no animosity towards her and most likely wouldn't have the closeness and knowing I was wanted by others without her denial.
Thank you for putting my feelings into words and explaining the “and”. I feel like I’ve always had to be grateful and wasn’t allowed to have negative feelings towards it. I’ve become an excellent people pleaser and wall builder. My father turned out to be one of those famous people which, by the way, made it harder to make contact because everyone protected him and thought I was the media and making up stories.
Thank you for the information . Some I would have guessed and some was so out of my frame of reference. I appreciate knowing about it since I am working with people.
Your talk really touches my heart. Jesus said, no man can serve 2 masters. I have found myself my whole life straddling the line between who I was supposed to be and who I was born to be. It hasn't been easy.
Thank you, Ruth, for sharing this. Our stories are remarkably similar, including having athletic birth fathers and birth mothers who preferred not to have any relationship. You're also about 6 weeks younger than me!
I am a birth mother and fortunately now have contact with my son who was born in 1978. I had notcounselling at that time and had no support from family, I did what I thought best at that time but it affected me more than I thought.
I think I'm the opposite. My natural mother was pressured into giving me up, twice. The childless couple who took me in wanted to enjoy the status of having a family.
I was adopted at 4 months my a mother that was adopted herself I am now 37 with ms but thank god the lord is helping me thru all this Oh yea I was abused by my adoptive mother cause she went thru her trama as a kid also And my biological mother and father were drug addicts
True, but it could be traumatic. A great writer and clever thinker said that children are “gift of God to their parents.” If you think along this line, it’s easier to accept that some people were just ungrateful for that precious gift. And yet, others couldn’t get that beautiful gift and were honored to be chosen as adoptive parents. Life is complex and so much of it doesn’t make much sense.
Thanks for asking. Right now we are a closed group. If you can listen to The podcast, “Adoptees on,” with Haley Radke, you may find some groups and interested folks. She is a great advocate and resource!
I would give anything to have a supportive group of people where it’s safe with other adoptees. I’d give anything to know my real nationality. I will always have missing pieces.
Incredible to hear your story and experience! Thank you for sharing. I was conceived via artificial insemination and have never known my bio-dad. Quite a different scenario but similar in ways. It's fascinating to hear about you discovering the identity of your parents through dna testing. I feel inspired and hopeful to do the same one day.
The only thing i'll say plenty of biological kids feel like they don’t match with their families, but the feeling of an unbreakable bond is something every family has to work to build. Lots of idealism in reference to biological parent child relationships.
I am adopting a baby next month. Baby's dad is my husband's cousin. The baby is family. The mother is lovely and is open and happy about the adoption. I definitely want to keep the adopting open. When and how should we tell him he's adopted?
My half biological sister (same dad) was given up at birth by her mother. She found both of her biological parents and I popped up later. Her and I can not have a relationship (I decided) because I am outspoken, confident and my mom kept me and she is none of it. She can be mentally abuses towards me and then avoids me after the attack. She blames the behaviors on cancer. It's very hard to find information that fits our dynamics/blended biological families. I don't understand why or how she does this to me.
Not all adoptees feel trauma though. This is a fantastic talk, but generalizing to all adoptees is wrong in my view. As evidenced of this , one adoptee below writes "I hadn't thought of things like you proposed them before." I think we need to be really careful here.
Of course! Everyone has a different experience….this was mine and I have found tremendous support and like thoughts with other adoptees. There is an, “otherness,” to adoption. That is not obvious to the masses. It is complicated for everyone in the adoption triad. Thank you for taking the time to watch and comment! Much appreciated!
I would say from that there are more adoptees who are adversely affected by adoption than not and many of those who claim they're not and are just pleased as punch, are in denial or as the literature describes it, in the fog.
I didn't hear any part of this talk saying "this is how all adoptees should feel". It's one person's experience that likely resonates with a lot of adopted people, who are often told variations of: "-shut up....you should be grateful....you were unwanted.." and various deeply harmful lies. Everyone has a right to their actual truth, and they may find that in their own time....Or not. Nobody is saying they have to. Imagine finding out that every aspect of your life is based on multiple layers of lies, AND you're not allowed to find your true identity. I wonder why anyone would find a basic desire to find one's own truth to be threatening.
@@rjmsbr247 Really agree with your "otherness" point.... Sometimes adoptees don't fit in with adoptive family, and are twice rejected by birth family. It really can rock your boat. Thank you.
@@eh3477 I am afraid you are not listening to what I'm saying. Not all adopted people are actually traumatized.. I am well aware of the lies, I have been subjected to them myself as an adoptee, this has nothing to do with my argument.
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As an adoptee just hearing you speak the same words I feel is so validating. Thank you for sharing.
Yes! We have our language! Thank you!
I am an adoptee, and this TedTalk hit so hard. Thank you for sharing this and validating so many people!
"you are adopting a child not a solution." We are real people. We grow up. Stop erasing our stories and our lives. We didn't just fall from the sky. We deserve our heritage, our names, our original birth certificates. We deserve our identity.
Yes, we do!
Absolutely!
Yes we do! X
Yes!
Agreed 🎯
This is the first time I've understood myself in 42 years. I was treated for bipolar from 12 to 36 years old (misdiagnosed). I now know I have untreated ptsd. This video has helped change my life. Thank you.
Thank you for listening and I am very glad this was helpful for you….helping was the intention!
I'm a 53yr old adoptee and it's only occurred to me recently that it wasn't Me, this I, who was chosen. It was 'A Baby'. I was a wildly unprepared understudy for the girl who never was. Here's a poem I wrote about closed adoption, 'Borrowed History'
A borrowed history
A second hand life
A true heritage denied
This stranger sapling grafted to your family tree.
And the story told to them and me...
“You are special, you were chosen, we were lucky”
So you won. Here's your prize.
A commodity baby, a charity child
Love conditionality and gratitude implied
Woken from connection and amniotic peace
To a secret story of threefold grief
WOW!!!
This is INCREDIBLE! I'm a BSE adoptee, of course was in a closed adoption, 60yo. I wonder if you would mind if I someday got brave enough to post this poem on my FB wall, giving credit to you (or not, if you prefer)? It's so incredibly depictive of what we feel in closed adoptions!
@@chrysanthemumfan214Ah, I’m so glad it resonated with you… it’s such a strange position to be in, and it wasn’t until my 40’s and read The Primal Wound that I realised how profoundly being adopted affected had me, all of us… I’d love you to post it, and would love for you to be brave & speak Your truth. I’m terrified but finally ready to stick my head above the parapet and do the same (You can only be brave when you’re scared, otherwise you’re just doing stuff innit?) Do it! Be you… she’s amazing
So perfectly written! Thank you!
@@noemiamorphous Thank you soooo much! I’m working on it! I’ve been writing things on my FB wall, but carefully-worded in winsome language so people don’t get their shackles up and can have the ability to listen. It’s very delicate and a difficult line to walk. Most people seem to take no notice, or else, don’t leave feedback if they do read what I write. It’s discouraging. But if enough of us do it, and people hear it from different sources, it might begin to “stick”. This is my prayer and great hope! Thank you soooo much for the permission to post your incredible poem!!! I want to write adoption poetry, but don’t know where to begin! I really admire your way with words!!!
Wow! Love this...working on mine called Accessory Kid🙃
I was adopted by a mean woman and loving father. I recently found my birth mother using a private investigator. But the experience was costly and devastating 😢 💔 she didn't respond to any of the was I tried contacting her, she still doesn't want me. I'm so broken and no one I'm around understands 😭😭
There are many that see you and understand you….you are not alone.
You are not alone. I was also rejected by my birth mom and am trying to come to terms with her rejection. Would love research on this experience. I feel for you. I found that reading books helps. I read Lorraine Dusky’s books as she writes about the subject. Hope this helps.
@@jlovethequeen1872 please join an adoptee community. You are NOT alone. My adoptive mother was a mean witch too and my birth mother also rejected me. You are not alone friend. Not alone.
You have my condolence
No one should have to go 18+ years without knowing where and from whom they came from. Secrecy and sealed records that prevent someone knowing their identity is a crime!
For anyone watching this and thinking this is "just her", I please would like to refer you to the seminal book, "Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency" by Sharon Roszia and Alison Maxon. This book is used by therapists to learn about adoptee issues. Its concepts are endorsed by the U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services on its Child Welfare Information Gateway website. Articles on these seven core issues exist there and as external links offered there.
This is NOT "just her". This is COMMON. "Identity" is one of the 7 core issues we face and with which we must wrestle as a transplant into a different family with a different culture, way of being, traits, etc. than that of our biological family.
Everything you are saying resonates with my entire being. Just wow. Thank you so much. I’m only 25, and I always knew I was adopted. But I’m only now having the courage to investigate my trauma, those underlying patterns of behaviors that sincerely prevent me from loving myself wholeheartedly.
You said “if you’re an adoptee, find other adoptees.” How? It feels like when I do find another adoptee, they aren’t willing to talk about it. It feels like everyone adoptee I’ve met growing up has been well adjusted, doesn’t care/doesn’t seem to be affected by it, etc. I just feel so completely alone in my emotional struggles.
I have to talk about it. Found out by accident when I was 7 "Oh that's just Johns adopted daughter!* as I was coming down the stairs. Turned my life around for the better and worst. For the better cause I NEVER got like I belonged but worse because when I found my birth mom she was literally mad I found her the 10+ years later when she was ready to meet me, she died right before we could meet face to face from kidney failure. Leitz im ready to talk if you are💖
eesh. thought i was alone with this! the identity crisis is real and will probably never go away. thank you for this talk.
Ruth, my name is Debby. I've just joined thought leaders and listened to your talk. There is so much I want to say to you but mostly Yes and Amen. I am a birth mother about to see my 37 year old son and his wife at my parents' 60th wedding anniversary party today. My parents required me to give him up in 84. So many layers. I desperately wish everyone knew then what we know now. Thank you for bringing the truth to light. Identity, restoration, belonging and cellular "knowing". I hope you and I can connect. Congratulations on your poignant and vastly important talk.
Thank you for listening and reaching out!
As an adoptee, I felt unaffected until I became a mom at age 36. That was profound when met the twins I carried. Nurture is undoubtedly important, but nature should not be ignored.
Thank you for watching. Yes, nature and nurture are both critical, but nature does play a part…..particularly in health and heritage.
I felt the same way meeting my son! Almost every day I think to myself "it's so nice to be related to someone in my family." Finally got a therapist who knows about adoption trauma and who's helped me work through so many things!
Thank You... I'm not alone ..... At 60yrs....
As a late discovery adoptee, I assure you that it was FAR worse than finding out that there was no Santa. I didn't find out that I was adopted until I was 32. It was like getting kicked in the chest by a horse. Adopting is not your cure to mental health and fertility issues. We aren't your "right." Having children is a privilege that not everyone deserves.
Kamina, I am so sorry that you were treated like a piece of merchandise
That's a kick in the teeth. Your world must have been turned upside down.
I am 40 in South Africa and I just found out this past Wednesday. I am going through so much 😭😭. My adoptive parents don't want to talk about it.
@@PatriciaNtsie-gz7gu I'm so sorry, fellow adoptee.
How are you doing at this point? I hope you have a group of adoptees with whom to process this. What a betrayal!
@@PatriciaNtsie-gz7guso sad! I always knew but was able to talk about it when they both died. It was a secret for the outside and i just had to be gratefull. Go online and find people to talk to. This is very important! You are not alone!!
Thank you for this, I relate. I am an adoptee and I want information and access as you beautifully expressed, Adoptee’s voices need to be heard!
I am a grandmother who lost her grandchild to adoption even after begging for kinship care. I tried to explain this to them but they refused to even listen. I lost my son and grandchild the day she was born.
I am so very sorry…..kinship adoption is much more common and accepted in other cultures. We should embrace it, too.
I'm so incredibly sorry! What dishonor this was on their part, what betrayal. I so wish my grandparents had fought to keep me in my family. Even though I adored my late adoptive parents, I hate being adopted. They were the ones who pushed me out. You are wonderful! I really hope your grandson tries to find you someday before you pass away, and that you can both have a nice and meaningful relationship.
Great perspective. As an adoptee myself i can say that almost all of what she said resonated strongly with me.
Great talk. Great validation as an adoptee. Thank you. I also found out I am still a secret and rejected by my mother once again. It’s a life long wave of emotions… yes, and 👍
Just to let others know who may be reading this, most natural mothers and fathers DO want to know what happened to their children lost to adoption, almost 100% according to statistics. I am very sorry that your natural mother did not want to meet you Ruth. Thank you for getting the truth out there about adoption. Great job!
Thank you for listening and hearing the message
My birth mother did not want to know what happened to me. Given conversations, I’d be surprised if almost 100% do want to know.
Please don't call them 'natural' parents. The proper term is birth parents or biological parents.
@@jmk1962is "don't" missing from your reply? Agree on biological or birth parent but never heard of natural parent. Find it a bit off 🤔
My mother didn’t to know about me either. You feel like you’ve been abandoned twice when you find that out.
Thank you, basicslly described my life too. So relatable and needs to be heard by all prospective adoptive parents.
I'm so sorry that you did not get to have a relationship with your bio mom. She doesn't know what she lost in not knowing you. Thank you for your courage in telling your story. It helps many others talk about theirs, too.
this is POWERFUL. you are the perfect messenger for this topic. thank you for the hard work you put into this! don't stop now!
It's nice to hear her story. I'm an adoptee too, and sad to say, you rarely here other guy adoptees talk about it. On rare occasion I meet someone, but over my life that's only happened maybe twice. It's not something people understand well, and it's hard to share due to some of the weird and bad reactions. Anyway, found this off a random search. If any other adoptees want to chat, I'm around. I had a pretty good experience, but the identity issues... yeah, I hear what she's saying on that.
Thanks so much for listening! re are other adoptees around, and yes, this is not frequently discussed because of, “weird and bad reactions.” You hit that right on the head! There are many adoptee groups out there….community really helps.
Thank you for sharing. I’m a birthfather that gave up my son in 1986. I don’t want to go into details but I did believe that it was best for him.
I’ve wondered about him ever since and do hope that he finds me someday. I’ve tried to make it easy by being on adoption registry sites for years but I’m only doing the DNA registry now.
All of my family and many of my friends know about this part of my life. I didn’t want to have to be explaining this at a very emotional time if he ever finds me. My family will welcome him with open arms.
I am not sure what to say if he asks about his mother. I know that she moved on and kept it a secret from everyone. This may have changed but I’m worried that she will reject him.
I am truly grateful to his parents that adopted him. I was allowed to meet them and they seemed great. They did have fertility problems and my son was most welcome with them. They planned for him to always know that he was adopted. It actually would be hard to keep secret since his complexion is way darker than theirs.
I hope you can find him, but just fyi we end up homeless, in prison, dead early, and its a really bad sign they were infertile, people who are adopting for that reason aren’t child centered they’re doing it for themselves, and want to play house with someone else’s baby, and the complexity of their trauma not being able to have their own child is never worked on in therapy, so since babies aren’t medical bandages and it never heals them they grow resentment, I’ve seen a lot of foggy adoptees who have so much abandonment trauma they’ll develop a Stockholm syndrome and a fear and obligation guilt for their adopters and deny their own identity and humanity to appease them too, so that’s why they won’t come looking, scared of a second rejection etc, some adoptees live kinda normalish lives, but many like myself turned into adoptee killer statistic for the psychology books, some end up like Monroe famous but also suicidal, but I’m sure the average adoptee is somewhere in the middle of Ted bundy, Marlyn Monroe… and Edgar Allen Poe, maybe a sassy mix of all of them 🎉 I hope you reunite and it maybe hard but the best things in life are after a lot of work and healing. Sending you and yours love.
@@samanthahaynes5289Agree 100% with all you explained. These truths MUST somehow be made public knowledge. The resistance is fierce due to greed and selfishness. Adoptees suffer their entire lives.
@@scottallen3921 well, my white adopters hid my ethnicity and adoption from me. I found out by accident at 32. My bio mom said they seemed like good people too. Brown babies should be raised by brown families.
Well said and thank you. I'm a reunited adoptee of 31 years now. Still working out who and what I am. I sought out an adoption friendly therapist in the early years and also a support group made up of adoptees and birth mothers. These two things were life savers for me. Recommend others do the same. Be king and patient with yourselves as you navigate your feelings and emotions. Matters of the heart only heal and repair at the hearts own pace. It took me about 5 to 7 years for my heart to come to terms with being reunited and accept all the new (familial) information. So be patient with yourself and don't try to rush it. Love to everyone on their personal journeys. Love Bob
Thank you ❤ I am happy I am listening to this now as I just found out in my 40th year of life that I am adopted. It hurts so much 😢
What a perfect piece, and the timing of a fellow adoptee sending this link to me this evening has to be providential. I had just posted a rant on my fb page about adoption and the ignorance of the general populace who have swallowed the Kool-Aid and think that "your mother loved you so much that she gave you away" but they can't seem to reconcile the fact that that actually means that love equals abandonment. 😕💔
I had the privilege of attending an AAC conference in San Francisco in the 1990's and the takeaway was that we must educate, educate, educate.
Here we are, decades later, and it feels like hitting ones head on a wall at times. I am so angry at the people who say, "Im sorry you feel that way. I know an adopted person and their life is wonderful. They're so *grateful* and feel chosen blah blah blah".... like a puppy from the pound, perhaps?? 🤷♀️🤔💔
I mentioned the same statistics about the suicide rate in my rant. I believe the number of adoptees in prisons and mental health facilities are also skewed for adoptees. Oh, but you must be the only one who feels that way. 😡😡😡
Bravo 👏 👏 👏 You are spot on!!❤
This is extremely well put and resonates. Thanks- fellow '64 adoptee
‘64 was a good year! Thanks for listening!
Tremendous. What a voice for the adoptee community. Well done!
I have almost the same story. My birth father wasn’t told about me. He was in Vietnam. My birth mother got rid of me. She had more means and opportunities than my adoptive parents. She was unwed in the 60’s and that was shameful at the time. When it was legal I looked but was shut down. My birth mother threatened me with a restraining order if I tried to find my family. She’s dead and I did find them all. Her shame kept her silent. She is now voiceless and her cruel behavior is her legacy.
Thank you for sharing that…..
He should have known and cared where he spread his seed. Yours is a common scenario in adoption.
@@elizabeth4444_4 My father was serving his country when I was being relinquished without his consent. The US made unwed mothers feel shame like they still do now. If people with beliefs like you weren’t so judgmental many adoptees wouldn’t have lost their families. Your beliefs cost many babies to be separated from their families unnecessarily. You lack empathy.
@@elizabeth4444_4shame on you for saying that.
I was adopted at 3 weeks then they got divorced when I was 5. How has this affected your sense of family, your identity and your confidence❤
This is such an important and validating talk. I am not adopted, but I am friends with, and have family members, who were adopted. Adoption is layered and complex. This is so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. But we are all connected by our stories. Around 11:20 you talk about concealing parts of us and how it's not possible and no one should conceal a part of themselves just because society is uncomfortable with it. This applies to all of us. As humans, we need to be heard, understood and validated. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Thank you for taking the time to listen and hear this!
@@rjmsbr247 I shared it with a family member and friend who understand the adoption process. This is such an important message. It really is.
Great job! I appreciate your vulnerability and the clarity with which you told your story. It is so relatable. I will be adding this to my resource list.
Thank you for sharing this. I am 33 years old and I only found out three weeks ago that I was adopted when I was a few days old. I found out after finally managing to get my mother to do a DNA test. It's been a rough few weeks and finding a community that is so caring, understanding and empathetic has been the amazing side to all this. At the start I felt a loneliness that I think is incredibly difficult to describe unless you've gone through it.
She right about the adoptee view point! I love my parents but i was bullied throughout my whole life and being adopted was one of the reasons why i was bullied! I'm Asian and my parents are white Itialian, so everyone could see they weren't "my real parents"! My birth parents didn't want me and I didn't know what happened to them! I don't care, I'm to angry to forgive them! My birth mom and father never wanted me!
Ive been going to therapy for 3/4 months finally working on through my adoption! I'm 30 and I've been angry all My life, I know why I was put up for adoption but I've been angry about it for 20 years!!
Thanks for taking the time to listen. There are many of us out there who understand. You are not alone.
Ruth I am so touched by your story and it really makes me think about the whole child that is adopted. Thanks for sharing and appreciating the AND!
I feel all this in my soul. All of it. THANK YOU! Gosh I wish I could be in your group!
Try and connect with Haley Radke and Adoptees On (Podcast)…..many groups and connections to start with there! You are not alone!
An amazing story! So well done. And very engaging. I'm amazed at how your core qualities were characteristics found in your birth family. You were being you. I've know many adoptees who have seemed a bit lost. The attitude has always been that they should just be thankful that someone took them in. It's a real struggle.
Incredible talk. After getting cancer, it made me seek out my birth parents and siblings. It’s been an incredible experience. My father has passed. My mother is alive, but has dementia. I hope to meet her. I am the daughter of a historic figure in the Los Angeles County Fire Department. And my mother is a full blooded Lakota from South Dakota. She came to Los Angeles during the government relocation program in the 1960’s.
sixties scoop?
Great talk. Thank you for providing the insight that most do not see or think about.
Thanks, Debi!
Such an important message that must be shared with the world! You really gave us an inside view on how it feels to be an adoptee. Thank you for the power of your vulnerability in sharing this intimate story and message Ruth. You are a gem.
Thanks, Yarona! Thanks for hearing the message.
I can so relate to this lady. My birth mother didn’t want to do anything with me. Even after I had to find her due to my medical issues a few years ago. I only wanted to thank her for giving me life. I don’t need to reconcile with her even though I wished she had wanted me.
😭😭😭😭 I'm so deeply sorry! That is beyond harsh and cruel-hearted!!!
Ruth, this was amazing to hear. I really appreciate this perspective. I hadn't thought of things like you proposed them before. Thank you for your courage in standing on that stage and sharing with the world.
Thanks for listening!
Awesome talk. So insightful for those of us who are not adopted. Thank you Ruth for sharing this with all of us!
Thank you!!
A non-adoptee? You're an adoptee ally and you're awesome!!!!! Thank you too.
I was adopted and just found out who my father was last year, I was 53 and suddenly a different ethnicity to what I was bought up to believe. I am still trying to figure out who I am, neither of my parents want contact, but I have contact with aunt's and uncles. I will look into the therapist situation, I tried therapy last year and the person I saw wasn't helpful or understanding.
Look up adoption competent therapists….or even a therapist who themselves is adopted. It makes a difference. Thanks for listening.
I enjoyed your talk. It captured some very important parts of adoptive identity. I applaud you for speaking, and I hope your message is shared far and wide. It's such a difficult topic because it is so personal and because the criticism for daring to speak can be brutal. Give yourself permission to omit any line that is followed by, "That's not what this is about." I applaud your courage.
Thank you, and thank you for listening!
@@rjmsbr247 You're welcome. :)
As an adoptee myself, i learnt at
an early age from a statement by Bob Marley (i am paraphrasing it )" You cant truly move forward if you dont know where you came from".. I always envied those who have a culture, a family identity.. People who arent adopted always say ah, it doesnt matter, your adopted parents still loved you. Thats a seperate thing, its not the point. I have tried in vain for 40 years but still have no clue who my birth mother is. It was hard navigating through an evergrowing multicultural society not knowing your own true heritage. Every second person asking, what nationality are you? People have asked over time if i was Greek, Arab , Maltese, Turkish, Bosnian, Spanish. Chilean... A DNA test showed i was 100% Celt, apparently bits from Ireland,Scotland,France and Spain. I just seem to have a multi ehnic appearance! But it would be nice if my government could release the secretive information as to my birth parents. Their medical history would definately help too. Who knows, maybe one fine day...
"That's a separate thing, it's not the point." Thank. YOU!!
Do some DNA tests on the most popular sites and you will match with cousins and nay find out who your birth mother is that way.
In the process of adopting. These testimonials and stories allow me perspective to be a better parent. The way I think of Adoption is that it is first and foremost vital to not think about my own comfort zone. I want my child to know everything. Ideally an open adoption, and hopefully where the biological mother will be able to have some level of contact (this is not always possible unfortunately). Thank you for your story. This is tremendously helpful as my wife and I navigate through this. I find it strange to think that a birth certificate would list anyone other than the child’s biological parents. I know a lot has changed but my hope is that the adoption process as a whole continues to see improvement to diminish added pain through erasure of identity. This never works.
My older sister was given up as a baby. We share the same dad - different mothers. My mom wanted me and kept me.
She worked very hard to find her birth mother and father.
And after all that she is Nothing like our dad. And I only met her birth mom at her wedding. My sister is 18 years older than me. Talk about an awkward wedding. Adopting parents, angry birth mom, scared of the birth mom, birth dad (our dad), me and my mom. And a bunch of adoption related family. Fast forward to present day. She has been divorced twice. Adopted 3 children - no babies. Only talks to 2 of her kids. Has no female friends. And tries to date men my age - 20 years younger. I noticed, She isn't able to bond with ppl, she pulls the victim card out a lot, low self-esteem and all of the typical adoptee behaviors. I had to stop communicating with her because she became a bully towards me.
More important than an Open Adoption is get them in adoption therapy/psychiatrist asap and for the entirety of their life.
@@roxrocks7023 thank you for your thorough response. That must be really tough to see. Absolutely I think therapy is an absolute must. ❤️
@@roxrocks7023 Your sister might be more like one of your paternal grandparents, or aunts or uncles. Heredity sometimes skips a generation or moves sideways. It's a really odd thing!
I'm so sorry this is how it has ended up for her, and for you & her as sister! Bonding can be a real challenge for many adoptees. 😞
@chrysanthemumfan214 We have become a strong team in the last little bit. Our father has been diagnosed with vascular dementia and can no longer drive. We worked together to get dad solid supports and help plus a routine. Our communication has improved.
Ruth, what powerful stories and perspectives you have shared here. You've raised some thought-provoking questions about identity.
Thanks for hearing the message!!
Thank you so much for speaking these truths Ruth❤️ you did so bravely, and didn’t sugar coat anything. You presented in a way that was gentle but real. As an adoptee trying to navigate understanding adoption trauma it’s so helpful to hear other adoptees talk about the truth and complexity of adoption. For anyone (mostly, kept people and non adoptive parents) who wont take what you said as truth….they don’t really
Care for the truth.
Thank you for your wisdom and guidance. Greatly appreciated.
Thank you for listening!
People Just don't get it - in reality adoption equates to c-ptsd - bio reunited - estranged failed adoption - WE ARE NOT THE SAME
Thank you!
Have had a hole in my heart since 1960
Thanks Ruth, you told your truth so beautifully and it helped me in my own identity confusion. Even though our stories are different parts are similar. I’m very thankful I met you today. Your talk answered some of the questions I had. I’m hoping that our paths cross again, you brought a rainbow into my cloud and of all the travels I’ve done i can honestly say that the journey to find myself, my identity has been the most elusive but rewarding one ♥️💃🏽🦉
Hannah, I am so glad you watched this. Yes, identity! It is hard to find words….
I can totally relate to your story. Thanks for sharing, and helping to educate todays society.
I am adopted yes but adoption does not define me. Our truth goes way beyond DNA it is a golden thread weaved in and out of both our biological and adoptive lineages something I've been exploring for a few years. Yes we live in two worlds dealing with the complexities of this process and healing the trauma and grief are possible. Supporting you on your message and all those involved in the Trifecta of this process. We are all here for a much bigger reason ...❤
I was but a tumour that needed to be removed, much like you Ruth. It's not always the person sought that will provide what you seek. I have no animosity towards her and most likely wouldn't have the closeness and knowing I was wanted by others without her denial.
Ruth is the coolest. I am so grateful that she made this speech. Thank you
Excellent Ruth! What an important story to be told and heard.
Thanks for all of your help and support, Leah!!!!!
Amazing talk! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us!
Thanks, Phil. Coming from you, this means so much.
Extremely helpful and validating talk. Thank you 🙏🏼
Thank you for putting my feelings into words and explaining the “and”. I feel like I’ve always had to be grateful and wasn’t allowed to have negative feelings towards it. I’ve become an excellent people pleaser and wall builder. My father turned out to be one of those famous people which, by the way, made it harder to make contact because everyone protected him and thought I was the media and making up stories.
Thank you for the information . Some I would have guessed and some was so out of my frame of reference. I appreciate knowing about it since I am working with people.
Your talk really touches my heart.
Jesus said, no man can serve 2 masters.
I have found myself my whole life straddling the line between who I was supposed to be and who I was born to be.
It hasn't been easy.
Thank you, Ruth, for sharing this. Our stories are remarkably similar, including having athletic birth fathers and birth mothers who preferred not to have any relationship. You're also about 6 weeks younger than me!
Thanks for listening and hearing!!!
Brilliant talk - thank you Ruth.
Thank you for listening!
Poetically, the enchanting confirmation of your Sales Incentive payment has gracefully danced its way through the process.
Wow! Thank you- same birth mother experience exactly.
I am a birth mother and fortunately now have contact with my son who was born in 1978. I had notcounselling at that time and had no support from family, I did what I thought best at that time but it affected me more than I thought.
thankk you foor ghis. your words are empowering.
Great Talk, Thank you for sharing!
Thanks, Clara!
wow. would like to hear so much more about your work. does Ruth Monnig have a website? this was a balm. so much gratitude for this
Thank you so much! I don’t have a website, but I write and my items appear in blogs from time to time. Again, thank you for taking the time to listen.
incredible, thank you for sharing!
Thank you!
I think I'm the opposite. My natural mother was pressured into giving me up, twice. The childless couple who took me in wanted to enjoy the status of having a family.
I was adopted at 4 months my a mother that was adopted herself I am now 37 with ms but thank god the lord is helping me thru all this
Oh yea I was abused by my adoptive mother cause she went thru her trama as a kid also
And my biological mother and father were drug addicts
Fantastic job Ruthie!!
Thanks, Scott!
Great Job!
It *is* possible for adoptees to conceal a part of them which is one of the main problems.
That was a really great Ted talk !!! (both my parents were adopted !!! :)
I actually had to pause and walk away partway through due to crying.
I am glad it touched you and I hope it can help many.
Everyone has the right to know their origins.
True, but it could be traumatic. A great writer and clever thinker said that children are “gift of God to their parents.” If you think along this line, it’s easier to accept that some people were just ungrateful for that precious gift. And yet, others couldn’t get that beautiful gift and were honored to be chosen as adoptive parents. Life is complex and so much of it doesn’t make much sense.
Any information on the meetings you hold?
Thanks for asking. Right now we are a closed group. If you can listen to The podcast, “Adoptees on,” with Haley Radke, you may find some groups and interested folks. She is a great advocate and resource!
I would give anything to have a supportive group of people where it’s safe with other adoptees. I’d give anything to know my real nationality. I will always have missing pieces.
Incredible to hear your story and experience! Thank you for sharing. I was conceived via artificial insemination and have never known my bio-dad. Quite a different scenario but similar in ways. It's fascinating to hear about you discovering the identity of your parents through dna testing. I feel inspired and hopeful to do the same one day.
Let’s talk about it some time, Echo!
Definitely do DNA. You may be surprised.
The only thing i'll say plenty of biological kids feel like they don’t match with their families, but the feeling of an unbreakable bond is something every family has to work to build. Lots of idealism in reference to biological parent child relationships.
Sorry but this isn't as simple as "don't match", it's the life long trauma that's the real issue.
I am adopting a baby next month. Baby's dad is my husband's cousin. The baby is family. The mother is lovely and is open and happy about the adoption. I definitely want to keep the adopting open. When and how should we tell him he's adopted?
Just talk about it often , like it’s part of your day.
I am adopted, 42. Oh my thank you for this. Still haven't found birth parents.
I'm an adopted and the adoptees trauma and reality are the expense of the adopters benefeits
Your story is the same as mine.
Thank you.
Oh I need to speak to you ❤❤❤❤❤❤
Why dose this make me not want to adopt a kid I mean really IVF is looking better and better
My half biological sister (same dad) was given up at birth by her mother.
She found both of her biological parents and I popped up later.
Her and I can not have a relationship (I decided) because I am outspoken, confident and my mom kept me and she is none of it. She can be mentally abuses towards me and then avoids me after the attack. She blames the behaviors on cancer. It's very hard to find information that fits our dynamics/blended biological families. I don't understand why or how she does this to me.
Trauma
Writing ✍️ 🙏🙌🙏🙌🙏🙌🙏🙌✍️✍️✍️movie
I have a story and I want to tell it.
First
You should respect your brith mother’s wishes.
How could you? Comparing santa? OMG!!!!
Not all adoptees feel trauma though. This is a fantastic talk, but generalizing to all adoptees is wrong in my view. As evidenced of this , one adoptee below writes "I hadn't thought of things like you proposed them before." I think we need to be really careful here.
Of course! Everyone has a different experience….this was mine and I have found tremendous support and like thoughts with other adoptees. There is an, “otherness,” to adoption. That is not obvious to the masses. It is complicated for everyone in the adoption triad. Thank you for taking the time to watch and comment! Much appreciated!
I would say from that there are more adoptees who are adversely affected by adoption than not and many of those who claim they're not and are just pleased as punch, are in denial or as the literature describes it, in the fog.
I didn't hear any part of this talk saying "this is how all adoptees should feel". It's one person's experience that likely resonates with a lot of adopted people, who are often told variations of: "-shut up....you should be grateful....you were unwanted.." and various deeply harmful lies. Everyone has a right to their actual truth, and they may find that in their own time....Or not. Nobody is saying they have to. Imagine finding out that every aspect of your life is based on multiple layers of lies, AND you're not allowed to find your true identity. I wonder why anyone would find a basic desire to find one's own truth to be threatening.
@@rjmsbr247 Really agree with your "otherness" point.... Sometimes adoptees don't fit in with adoptive family, and are twice rejected by birth family. It really can rock your boat. Thank you.
@@eh3477 I am afraid you are not listening to what I'm saying. Not all adopted people are actually traumatized.. I am well aware of the lies, I have been subjected to them myself as an adoptee, this has nothing to do with my argument.