The corpses that changed my life | Caitlin Doughty | TEDxVienna
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 ก.ย. 2024
- Caitlin's first experience in the death industry set off a nine year mission to change how the Western world deals with their dead. In her talk, Caitlin takes us around the world, to demonstrate how other cultures enjoy a more intimate, meaningful relationship with death.
More information on: www.tedxvienna.at
Caitlin Doughty is a licensed mortician and death acceptance advocate. She is founder of the nonprofit The Order of the Good Death, author of the bestselling book Smoke Gets in Your Eyes, and recently opened her first funeral home, Undertaking LA.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
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I feel the fact that Caitlin's funeral home in California is a non-profit is testament to her true dedication to supporting the loved ones of the deceased.
No kidding. Almost an oxymoron lol
that's often the sad part- funerals, burials and even cremations can be expensive. if someone dies unexpectedly there might not be insurance which makes it harder on loved ones. if the body goes unclaimed (no burial or cremation) it will get thrown into a mass grave
I recently came around her channel just because I've been studying the USSR saw she had a video of Lenin and I always wanted to know how they kept in like that. Now I see her in a TEDx vid had to check this out. Really enjoy her channel
@Jess A. You sparked my curiosity enough to do some cursory research. It appears her net worth is somewhere between 1 and 5 million, mostly from her TH-cam channel (which of course, would be taxable income). I've been casually following her, and watching her videos for years, and like her or not, she does seem to be genuinely motivated by what she does, and less by money. In fact, by not selling out and participating in the "death industry", she's eschewing what would be a rather profitable career given her experience.
JUST KEEP IN MIND. a non-progit funeral home can charge. but the funds go to keeping the business float. rather than a profit to the workers
I'm a simple deathling,
I see mama
I click
"Deathling"... It's one thing to confront grief, the reality of death and re-discover our traditions and rituals, but it's a whole completely different matter when you have a morbid fascination of death that stems from fear. Names like "deathlings" are euphemisms. Edginess will not prepare you or combat your fear.
@@pes6628 Deathling is just what her fanbase calls themselves...(or maybe she called them that ? )
Kinda like deadheads, the fans of grateful dead
@@pes6628 On the contrary it's not a matter of edginess it's what Caitlin calls her subscribers. On a deeper note...I am prepared for death, I am not afraid because I have my faith and it's inevitable, why worry and stress about something that will hit us whenever. Side note, I am Jamaican so death is celebrated in our culture with wakes and nine nights, yes we mourn but we accept it.
❤️
ME HAHA
When my Mom died, a grief counselor (a woman) came and guided the daughters (five of us) to bathe Mom's body, wash her hair and put her into a clean gown, and wrap her in a blanket before the funeral home people put her body in a velvet covering to take her. As we washed her hands the counselor reminded us of how many times those hands had caressed us, made food for us, cleaned for us. As we washed her feet we remembered all the steps she walked in her life, so many times to walk for us. We combed her hair and dried it and curled it the way she liked. She washed her face and remembered all the smiles and tears. We gathered her favorite make-up and her prettiest gown to send with her so she would look her best for the service. It was the last hour we spent with her and it is a precious, precious memory.
What a beautiful memory! Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm very sorry for your loss and I pray God has eased your pain. 💓
This made me cry, but beautiful tears if you get me. That's such a lovely memory and thank you for sharing it with us ❤️ May your mum rest well and may all of her daughters live a lovely life 😊
wished we had one, a grief counselor, when we lost our mother to cancer. surely would be of a great help, but happy for you that you get to spend the last precious moment with your mom, tho.
Great
This was absolutely beautiful. Bless you and your sisters. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Dear people who don't get her, joking is coping. Everyone has their own way about things, dont be upset because she isnt you. She is a very respectful, relatable woman.
especially when you're around death all the time. All morticians make jokes because if they didn't, the weight would just sit with them :(
When I worked in a local Govment NHS Pyschiatric hospital (8years - I worked there ) - 3 years Geriatric Ward - 5 years Long stay Ward - One of the Old School Nurses I worked with did her training way back in the day - Now I'm talking anout the mid 1980s when I worked with her ?
Although there was deaths on the long stay ward ? -There was alot more deaths on the Geriatric ward ! -This particular Nurse - I should say Sister would carry on her always a roll of blue ribbon ?
After a death - We would lay the body out - Which meant preparing the body for the undertaker for when they collected the body from the ward ! - Our Mourge was just a little empty room & contained two gurneys & each had an aluminium box on top to pop the Body in and could be padlocked ? - Obviously not set up for a big turnover of deaths on the 5 wards ?
Was mainly used at weekend s -
Just a snippit but where this building was on the other of the morgue wall was a bus stop ?
Back to this Sister - If she was working- When a Patient died on our ward - She would insist on laying out the body herself ? & if it was male bodyI would assist her ? - If it was a female who would assist her ! - Back then there was pack I collected from the Clinic room prior to the laying out that had a selection of plugs & a clamp - So after the body had been given a bed bath & cleaned up - The different sized plastic plugs were inserted in each of the bodys orifices ( no leakage ) - and then the roll of blue ribbon ? - Bet you've guessed -Being old school that plastic clamp would not be used - Because in herown words " that plastic clamp is barbaric" ? - So Sister would chop a length of the Blue Ribbon & tie the little guy off ? - So their was no leakage there either ? - The body would be redressed in a paper shroud -ready for collection - Sister would go back to her office & I would tidy up the room
I Must tell you this ! After the body had been laid out ! - Their was a few bedrooms we did not use - they were being used as store rooms - But this one room in the main 10 bed dorm we used as a waiting room for this sort of occasion - We would make the bed in this room - And place the body that we had laid out into the bed - Closing the curtains to keep it private - But there was something different about this room - Someting odd ? - It was always cold ? - Ice cold ? - No matter what the season was ?- Summer or Winter - Even whether the central hospital boiler was working overtime - The rest of that dorm was like a suana? - But that room was always ice cold ! - It was always avoided & kept locked when not in use - Maybe it was like that because of what it was being used for now ? -Who knows ?
I'm TERRIFIED of dying, but her chipper attitude towards death and her channel as a whole has really made me feel more and more comfortable with accepting it. I appreciate her so much.
@@stephenbirks6458 I am so intrigued by this story......for so many reasons! I'm an English major, please forgive me I don't mean any bad stuff by saying this! But I had a bit of a time, my brain on default, basically trying to edit a paper; but that doesn't mean anything, other than people glitch out and stop reading when their mind does this! I feel that your comment should be the #1 it's informative and eerie...very eerie... You all probably sensed it and that's why the room wasn't used! I always wondered if spirits roam funeral homes. I suppose it's just as natural a place to be as say the gas station you used to frequent ya know, not totally attached to the location, but you're there nonetheless...? I'm trying to volunteer for this same type of field, I just really need to hear first hand experiences like your own, and I really appreciate you sharing!
I love her. I am in nursing and I have to do aftercare before they come and get a corpse sometimes. The first time I met a corpse I had to shave his face. I have to “clean them up” cutting nails ect...Super relatable for me!!
"When I was a child my mother took care of me everyday. And when she dies, you better believe in gonna take care of her"
I did!
That made me cry. And made me wish someone had been around to help me care for my grandad, my father figure, when he died. I had left the room at hospice and he passed in those 10 min I was gone. I never saw him again. The doors were closed and that was that. I wish I'd been able to respect him and care for him in some even very small way.
@@ellielou52 Do not feel guilty that you were not there at the moment of death. The dying often wait until they are alone before dying. My father-in-law committed suicide using a gun, but did not die instantly. Several family members were in his hospital room waiting for the inevitable. After a few hours, my wife and I went down to the lobby to call other family members, and to step outside for some fresh air. We called an aunt and uncle to let them know that the end had not yet come, and before we could even tell them that he was still alive, they gave us the news that he had died in the minutes it took us to take an elevator down to the lobby. It didn't occur to me until years later that he had waited for his daughter to leave the room before dying. Somehow, some way, they know. Or maybe the explanation is that it is our presence that allows them to cling to life, and once they are alone they just can't hang on any more. I don't know. I just know that you should not feel guilty for not having been there.
As women who took care of her son after he passed as an infant, I wanna say I appreciate this beautiful way of thought
My mom just passed away last week. I took care of her until the very end ❤️💔😭. The greatest thing I ever did in my life was holding her hand as she took her last breath.
Did you guys feel that sudden heavy emotion when she started talking about her mother?
Omg yes, I started to imagine me caring for my own dead mother.
As someone who has laid both parents to rest now....yes, i felt it.....in her, and in myself 😞
It made me tear up
It sounded like she was about to start crying and I felt it
Yes, very much so. I unfortunately had both my parents pass barely 3 months apart in 2009. When she said that I felt it deeply, got a lump in my throat and teared up, for her, others that I know who've recently gone through it and myself.
when my baby died, as soon as his body left the hospital morgue and went to the funeral home I went and held him for hours and kissed his little head, I told stories and cried. I went in every day till the day he was cremated. I dressed him, wrapped him in a baby blanket and placed him in his casket. I put 2 teddies in to keep him company, I also put a letter in there that I had wrote and a photo of me and his dad. I couldn't put my baby to bed so I put him in his final resting place. I also spent the morning holding him before his funeral. everyone said don't do it but I had to. I still remember the smell of the cold room he was in and the smell of his body starting to release his body oils, I still kissed his head anyway. im so gratful I could do that for my son. I had to not be selfish and do it because im his mum. it hurt so bad but im proud of myself. I am bawling my eyes out remembering though
Im bawling reading this!
I did the same thing for my Daughter Sasha who passed away. It was my only chance to do the normal things a mother would do for her child. I am bawling my eyes out writing this remembering it myself. Much love and peace to you and and your family ❤️
Hugs to you❤
You are very strong for getting past that, and from how much you cared, I can promise you that, on any day of the week, you have it in you to be a beautifully nurturing woman, wife and mother. 💛
What a lucky little boy to have had such an amazing and loving mom like you. ♡
When my dad died I was 17, and he died close to christmas at home, so there was a whole load of snow and the roads were blocked so the hospital couldn't pick him up. I remember my mum spending the first night with him, and cleaning him up as the inevitable deterioration kicked in. And how much peace it gave her, and how much pain we all felt when he was taken away. I described this to a friend a couple of months later and he said it was really weird and something I shouldn't tell people and I've kept this guilt over it for years. And now I don't have to feel guilty...I don't have to feel weird. Thank you.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm happy you don't feel guilty anymore you shouldn't. It's beautiful that you and your mom got to spend that time with your father. You can always look back and cherish that time together. Never feel ashamed about that.
That doesn't sound like a friend. I'm sorry you had to hurt and feel bad about it. Being with your dad after for a while was a gift.
I hope you aren’t friends with that person anymore. How dare they. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I think it is beautiful what your mother did! I would do the very same for my husband, or any of my family members. There is absolutely no shame in it!
My father died 3 months ago and we couldn't be with him. Because he died of covid, we couldn't spend as much time with his body as I would have wanted. We were allowed to have a 4-hour funeral from 8pm to 12 am. When all around was quiet, I decided that we needed a last family picture. We traveled so far for so many years and we had so many pictures of all four together. I just wanted a last picture of the four together. And we did. I guard those pictures with my life as they are the last ones with my dad.
I am not brave enough to tell a lot of acquaintances this, but I'm happy to share it with you people, people that could (and I hope) understand.
are we really going to ignore how insanely shiny and beautiful her hair is ?
NOPE! :)
She is gorgeous.
NH4 Ci omg I was thinking the same thing the whole time lolol
ikr? love it ;D
NH4 Ci I think she is beautiful. Her Hair is very attractive!
I have chronic depression and general anxiety disorder, and used to get panic attacks pretty much daily from thinking about death. I was so terrified of the thought of waking up one day to find that one of my parents had died in their sleep, or coming home in the afternoon to find one of my pets stiff and cold on the floor. It ruined my life, to the extent that I couldn't even enjoy being around people I loved because the thought of losing them made me so physically ill that would throw up.
Then I found Caitlin. The first video I saw made me feel queasy. Was it really okay to talk like this about death? This most terrifying awful soulwrenching horror, how could someone smile while talking about it? But I was hooked, and the more I watched, the more relieved I felt. I have cried watching a few of your videos, Caitlin, but it was cathartic tears, tears of closure, of relief. I haven't had a panic attack in weeks now.
Thank you Caitlin, with all my heart. Love, Jojo
+Jozie Charles : I think Caitlin does very good works. I admire her attitude and goals tremendously, and I think she helps a lot of people. My best friend just lost his dad. Well, that happens to all of us eventually (hopefully; the inverse is too horrible to contemplate, although it happens all the time). I was very worried for him, as this had literally been his nightmare scenario since childhood. He simply couldn't imagine an existence without his parents around, so your tale sounds very familiar to me.
I needn't have worried, when the time finally came for him (as it did for me a few years ago when my dad passed on). Last weekend we attended his father's funeral (his heritage is Mexican, and it was very... Catholic), and got to be with his mom and his siblings. But my friend was - to my surprise and relief - seriously at peace with it all. To some extent, it's just maturity - we're both entering our 50s. But more than that, there was acceptance that it's just the normal course of life. I personally never had a problem with death, but I can certainly understand why someone would.
However, I think the main lesson he learned is that he is fully capable of functioning on his own, and doesn't need his folks to prop him up. Grieve for the loss of a wonderful man and loving father, certainly. But be confident you can go on without him - because he taught you well on just how to do that. A lesson my friend, somewhere along the way, finally took to heart. I'm sure you can, too, Jozie. Keep plugging along, and keep love in your heart.
Mr. Suarez, you were an amazing man and a role model to us all, and this Thanksgiving I am thankful that I knew you as my "second dad". I'll always try to match the standards you set for us all, gladly and with joy in my heart.
Your comment resounded in me in a way I can't convey. It was like you were wording my own experiences for me. For that, I thank you, as well as Caitlin. All my very best wishes to you, from someone who truly understands. X
There was no Caitlin when my dear father, the alchemist of everything good in my life, died suddenly of what the docs call a "widowmaker" heart attack: sudden death. I wasn't informed of his passing by the Mother-Sister Cabal until he was already in the clutches of Death, Inc; and the only chance I was given to see Dad and say goodbye was at the "closing ceremony," in other words the funeral home's last step of creating "Dad in a box." At 17, I was already aware of the obscenities of "preparation" (the things you learn becoming an EMT). I didn't want my last picture of the man I had cherished for 17 years to be waxworks, so I demanded a closed casket. The only mourner who objected to that was my next-door neighbor. He was a taxidermist. Ick.
The panic attacks started immediately. In 1971, there was no such thing as a panic attack, just variations of "it's all in your head, get out of my ER." Xanax, the drug that came along with an enlightenment of panic as a real, and really nasty disorder, was yet to come, so I lived with the derision of my mother-sister cabal (q.v.)
I wish I had a Caitlin in those grey days of daily panic. It took me over 40 years to learn to embrace death as part of life.
Thank you Caitlin. And readers, someone you know is frightened to symptoms of death. Introduce them to the Good Death.
You will have done a great good.
I used to have a very bad fear of death too, quite severe like yours. After learning about death (continuing to learn too) my phobia is much less severe than it used to be. I very much appreciate people like Caitlin for teaching us about death.
Jozie Charles bless you 💕
When my infant son died, I marveled at his whole body after he passed. Even at his funeral, I couldn't keep my hands off him. I loved him so much I just *had* to touch him. I'm so thankful that I had the opportunity to wash his body and dress him and take photos of him to hold forever. I probably would have thought it was strange, too, before it happened to me.
That must have been hard and sad for you.
so very sorry for your loss, Jessica !
I will try to remember that. Thank you for posting this very personal information. I hope it does some good somewhere for understanding.
We all mourn in our own ways and in the moment
Your body and instincts told you what you needed, and there is nothing wrong with that. You were a mother, who's every inch of her body knew, that your baby belonged in your arms. That can never be wrong.
I'm so sorry for your loss, no one should have to endure that.
For those of you who don't know Caitlin has her own TH-cam channel and its very informative (go and support her!! ). Yall should go check it out. It helped me plan for my own funeral. :)
#OrderOfTheGoodDeath
Niki Horner im glad she did adam knows everything. i been watching her since she explained cremation on her page.
Niki Horner I've subscribed to her channel. It helps me understand the death industry.
I found her channel yesterday, ask a mortician. For those that don't know. She is beyond amazing. I love her personality!
Niki Horner "Ask a Mortician" is her active TH-cam channel. Love it! :)
Niki Horner bjbjbhbb
Honestly, remembering Caitlin's advice helped me grieve my grandfather properly. I demanded to see his body, and the funeral home tried to deny me that chance. I pushed harder, and finally they let me see him before any embalming was done. I was able to sit, talk with him, hold his hand, and see what he looked like before they made him look like wax.
First off, I'm sorry for your loss. Loosing beloved family members is definitely a challenge, and I hope your grieving was and continues to be manageable. Second, I remember seeing my great grandma at her open casket funeral. She looked so waxen, so unlike her. It was as if there was this thin membrane separating me from the truth of what she really was. Dead. It really does create a shift when you can deal with death in a whole and honest manner.
Jessie E Thank you for your condolences. I've been to a lot of funerals, and out of all of them, the one I got the most closure with was my grandfather. I could see that he died peacefully, he didn't look waxy and fake. It was a beautiful and emotional moment that I'm glad I pushed for.
Yes. I agree- being able to sit awhile with my Dad, and my Grampa, and later one of my beloved friends, to just touch their hand and talk to them, was, although painful, a wonderful way to bid them well and farewell.
+C. L. rule Good point, Maybe they can just drain the blood? Maybe that would be ok.
I actually asked to do my grandmothers hair and make-up. I chatted and joked with her as I spent that time alone with her. I am so glad I did that. And she looked just like she looked everyday. Because I knew what she liked and how her hair was curled. More people should do this...you won't regret it.
any other deathlings here??
what's a deathling?
Yes :)
yes, I even have a playlist dedicated to us
567Katii 🙋
567Katii her followers
So happy to see Caitlin on bigger platforms! She's amazing and truly changed my views on death
I couldn't agree more!
Mr. Meeseeks Same!
Mine too! She's wonderful.
I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I have the top comment, look at me!!! ;D
Mr. Meeseeks Same. Unlike most people in society today I have a lot of respect for Caitlin. She is intelligent, witty and thorough with each of her well researched, informative videos.
My wife’s mother was killed in a car crash in Utah, on New Year’s Day in 2011. I joined my wife and her five sisters as they gathered at the mortuary the day before the funeral. They brought their mother’s makeup and curling irons and jewelry. They spent several hours preparing their mother for the funeral the next day. I watched them cry and mourn, and it morphed into laughter and relating happy memories and childhood stories. It was a truly healing event that brought them closer than ever. It was exactly what their mother would want for her daughters. It was not scary or weird in any way. It was a wonderful tribute, and their mother looked beautiful. Truly as if she were simply sleeping. It’s a shame this isn’t encouraged in the US.
I never knew this was a possibility.
How I wish I had known when my
husband died six months ago.
That was a blessing!
@@nancylesh6363 I am sorry you were not granted a way to put your loss in perspective.
@@nancylesh6363 my mother is a pretty well-known hair stylist here in Texas and a lot of her clients families have her give them their last haircut after they pass.
My sister and I did our mother's hair. Mom had asked me a long time ago if something should happen to her would I please make sure her hair fixed right. Mom was so picky about her hair. She was allergic to hair spray and most other hair products with the exception of shampoo. Trying to prepare her hair started out to be such a challenge. We tried so had to make her hair lay the right way and stay put. Finally, we joking told our mother that we were sorry but, hairspray was going to have to used. We agreed that this ONE time, Mom would be ok with our using hairspray. I know our mother was very proud of us for doing her hair and I know that Mom would have loved her hair.
This video was honestly life changing. I grew up with a MAJOR fear of death. Afraid of mom or dad dying, the dog dying, even myself dying. I wouldn’t sleep at night, afraid I’d die in my sleep. I would panic when my parents would go places by themselves, afraid they’d die and I wouldn’t know. The memory of seeing my dead grandpa in his casket at his funeral at age 7 was burned into my memory forever. This video makes me think of it in a different way. Why does death have to be so taboo? We all have to do it. So why not take it a little more lightly?
The way you describe your fear of death is how I feel every day. My parents being elderly now I am constantly afraid of getting that phone call. At night I wonder if I'll wake up the next day. It's just a crippling fear and I am just glad to know that there are others who've had the same issue.
@@desolatesakura85 I understand. For me as a child, the fear of death was wrapped up in the fear of the Rapture. Not only was I afraid that everyone would die, I was also afraid that Jesus would take everyone I knew an I'd be left alone. I'd wake up in an empty house and search every room in a panic, looking for the tell tale piles of clothing. It was awful. The Rapture never happened, but my fear of death was validated: I lost 7 loved ones in 11 years. I have 2 children now and am terrified for them, especially my daughter. And now I'm only five years younger than my dad was when he died, so I'm scared of leaving my kids without their mom. But my fear of death is different now; having survived so much, I accept death in a way that most people don't.
@@ContentMadame I'm sorry to hear about all the loss you've experienced...although death is a natural thing it doesn't make it less painful to the ones that stay behind. I definitely know the fear you feel of something happening to your 2 children because I have 2 little ones as well and that fear of something happening to them eats at me...and I also am scared to leave them too soon... I know you're a much stronger person having lost several people and still knowing how to go on. I can't say the same about myself because I haven't lost anyone as close yet... I just don't know how I'll be able to deal with it all.
@@desolatesakura85 You'll deal with it the only way one can: You'll get up in the morning, live your day for the survivors (yourself included), and pray for the strength to keep moving when you want to collapse and sob for eternity. And you will get up and you will make it, some days by the skin of your teeth, other days by leaps and bounds. You'll find the strength within yourself when you have no other choice but death.
@@ContentMadame Maybe I'm just really selfish but I can't imagine a life after my mom.... she's been the only constant in my life despite all our little arguments and quarrels. She's the only person that I feel truly loves me unconditionally and has put up with me. Without her I'll be alone and that scares me so much. I suppose I'll just see what happens when that awful day comes.
I haven't taken care of a dead relative at this point in my life yet but I am a nurse. I have cared for numerous bodies in the hospital preparing them for their trip to the morgue so a funeral director could take them. I always considered it an honor to wash them (and no matter how much fluid leaked I kept cleaning or suctioning until they were spotless), an honor to remove a breathing tube, feeding tubes, IVs, catheters etc. I always talked to the body too, "we are going to roll you over" "almost done" "let's get this thing out of you, that's better" etc. I have my own beliefs and faith but I acknowledge I don't really know what happens when we die, but if a part of our consciousness is left I feel I owe it to that soul to respect their dignity at the end. Much love to Caitlin Doughty. I now know I am going to ask to care for my parents when they die if they are interested in that.
May the Gods Bless You. You are a gift to those people who have left physically but, I believe, have not yet completely left this plane of existence. To show them care, and love, and dignity , and respect is a blessing and a comfort to them, please, please, believe that, and keep doing this sacred work.
i have a terminal condition (CHF IV) & loved reading your comment, knowing that someone will add some dignity to our death. this comment brought tears to my eyes. what a wonderful person you are! hope i have someone like you when my time comes
Thanks for sharing that, it touched my heart.
I was a nursing student ten years ago. My last assignment at clinical was a post-mortem. (That experience didn't take me out of the program, my panic attacks did.) Pt was a very elderly female. Her family sat with her, in her room overlooking a lake, at sunset, and remained for about an hour after she passed. That was a learning opportunity for me, that family could be involved as much as they wanted to be, and I was impressed by how respectful the CNAs were in the after care process.
I lost my own father the next year. We had one last good day with him at the trauma ctr before he crashed. I was the only one who was calm through the process, and my family thought I was cold.
My brother died in an accident at the height of COVID. I got our mother in to see him as he slipped away (I had been a volunteer at one of the medical group's hospitals until the volunteer program was suspended), but there wasn't time enough for me to see him before, and the hospital was restricting visitors, so I didn't get to see him after, either. I was crying about it this morning, that I didn't get to see him even after to say goodbye. I had gone past his house a week before, and I didn't see him often, but didn't stop because of the quarantine. I thought there would always be another opportunity.
Everyone, please care for your loved ones during life. You don't know when the last time you see them will be. And consider how you want to care for your loved ones when the time comes.
@@meko819 ❤️
My baby boy Dakota died in my arms on Fathers day morning. He had a heart defect you see and after we brought him home after months of hospital and surgeries, he was hooked up to a heart monitor. Anyone who has dealt with heart monitors know that they go off randomly and all you have to do is check things out and then reset the alarm.
This time I told my wife to go back to sleep, that I would check things out. This time it wasn't a false alarm. I rode in the ambulance with Dakota and was there at the emergency room. Later the doctor came to see us and told us that Cody had passed away.
The nurses has swaddled him up in a blanket with a little beanie on his head and invited us as parents to come see him one last time. My wife didn't want to but I went to see him. The nurse pulled up a rocking chair for me and I sat and rocked my baby boy for a long while.
To this day I'm so grateful for that chance to be with my son one last time. It really allowed me to start healing and move past the grief.
mcpheonixx I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband and I experienced something similar with our daughter in 2015. She had a heart defect also. Prayers for you and your family.
I teared up a bit
So sorry for your loss I know that feeling all too well my 11 month old son died from a heart defect also it will be 5 years on Nov.18th it was 3 am when my son went into cardiac arrest by the time we got there he was gone. The staff let all of the family that came up there with us say their last goodbyes me and my husband had the longest time with him they removed his breathing tube and swaddled him in a white hand knit blanket they allowed us to hold him and told us how brave we were and how brave our son was some even cried with us my sons passing has really opened up my eyes in a positive way about death now that I'm finally accepting how to deal with it may your son forever rest in peace and comfort to your family.
mcpheonixx bless you & your sweet boy. So incredibly sorry for you and your wife’s loss. I’m a mother to 3 boys myself and couldn’t imagine the heartache. Someday, you will hold him again.
Thank you for sharing such a deeply profound moment.
In my mid twenties, I took my cat to the vet for the last time. It was so hard, but there were no treatment options and she was very old (over 20 yrs). When it was all over, my mom left the room, leaving me with my little kitty on a blanket on the vet's table. As she was leaving, I said, "I want to pick her up, but... what do I do?" I was scared, like that commenter said, that I would be fussing around with my dead cat like a crazy person and someone would call the psychiatric police on me or something. My mom said, "hold her in the blanket." So I did. Having a blanket there was somehow a barrier protecting me from the dead, saving me from looking weird, and making it OK to grieve. I told kitty that I was sorry and that I loved her and that I hoped that she could forgive me for this choice and why I thought it was right. Somehow I still needed to do it. 5 minutes ago I had been holding her with no blanket and that was fine. Why would a few minutes make me look crazy? And then something else happened as this was going on. I picked her up several times a day for more than two decades. And even though she had died, it felt the same to hold her. I guess what it meant was, all those years that I picked her up she was just relaxed. She didn't have to work or tense up or be uncomfortable when I carried her. It was just the way her body would naturally lean. And it made me realize that the time she was with me she was happy, and that was the important thing. And I never would have realized that if I didn't spend the time with her.
I can sympathize. I had to put my almost 17 yr old cat down in February and I held him one last time before he was cremated. I felt weird about it because he was limp and it was awkward and the people looked at me like I was weird but I just needed to do it and get one last hug and say goodbye. It’s reassuring to know it’s not that odd and should be more normalized.
Thank you for sharing. that was such a sweetly told tale.
The blanket isn't to protect you from "death." After they pass, fluids can "ooze" out of them. The blanket is to protect you from that wetness. (I learned that when I picked up our puppy without using the blanket.)
That was beautiful and profound, and made perfect sense, all at the same time.
@@xCindyLouWhox I am so sorry for your loss. ❤️
Some might think this is a bad comparison. But when I was little, my dog was put down and I really wanted to be there to say goodbye to him. But my mother, because SHE was afraid of death, didn't let me go. And I'll never stop imagining him on that cold metal table all alone. I should have been there. I won't ever again miss the chance to send a loved one, human or animal, on to the next life.
He is alright now. And you can tell hime you are sorry when you see him on the other side. He will be waiting.
He was not alone, but was cared for lovingly and tenderly, I'm sure. You were not with him, and pain from that is real and normal. But surely he was not alone, yes?
Yeah, when both my family's cats were put down, I really didn't get to say goodbye to them or decide what to do with the bodies (like we didn't get to bury them or their ashes in the garden or backyard or anything), I was told about it after the fact both times.
And my grandparents' funerals was kind of similar, except with embalming and a wake, because it was the Catholic side of my family. My parents never really tried to talk to us about being around our grandparents' bodies or much about processing their deaths, but they also didn't let us hide from the bodies or feel creeped out/grossed out by them . My Jewish grandparents' funerals were even less intimate than that; we just had a fairly brief graveside service and then went to go eat. At least with my Jewish grandmother, we did get to say goodbye to her in hospice the night she ended up passing away, and in retrospect, just being around her during that was a good thing (although we weren't there for her actual moment of death).
Honestly, I'm Jewish, but I still like the idea of a wake or open-casket service, and people getting to be around the body and say goodbye to it face-to-face if they want. And getting to avoid it if they don't want to. Also (this probably won't come up because, again, Jewish) I don't want to be embalmed. I don't want to contribute to someone possibly getting cancer someday, and I don't want my formaldehyde contaminating the groundwater. Also, my experience with embalming is that it never looks like the person is "just sleeping." It seems like it always makes the skin around the mouth look really stretched, and the lips look kind of pursed and tense.
I couldn't be with my precious fur babies when they gave him 'the shot.' I think my being distraught would have been worst for him.
i’m sure you gave that doggo the best life he / she could ask for!
My grandmother died in a front of me, hearing my last words. I closed her eyes. I was only 15. I saw her afterwards too. I helped her get washed together with 2 other women with soap and warm water, covering the private part and wraped her in white cloth, preparing her for the funeral. As a muslim, that is what we do.I wasnt afraid. Finaly i kissed her and left the washing room. Ill miss her forever ♡
Death is truth, as soon as u embrace it you will be more free in this life.
That's a touching and beautiful experience. Thank you for sharing that with us.
E drerreeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee was a good eee was the day was a good day was thzzdxxxxzzx. e last
Just a beautiful comment. Thank you.
That is so beautiful
I did the same to my late mum. Clean her..kiss her...say good bye...love her always
When my husband died, the people at the cremation company told me that I could keep him at home as long as I wanted. He died a little after 12 noon and stayed here at home till about 8 pm. There were a couple of people who came to visit him and say their goodbyes, and neither I nor anyone else felt weird having him still in our bed while we sat in the dining room recalling our wonderful memories of him...I even laid down with him for awhile before he was taken away. I did get another chance to see him before he was cremated and I was glad I did so. Every holiday and special occasion since he passed I still put out a plate for him when I make dinner so he can share the meal with me. I love you and everything you do Caitlin, you have really changed people's outlooks on death, and I've learned so much. As Leo Buscaglia once said "none of us gets out of this life alive", so we better get used to the idea of death.
ZainaDancer I’m in tears, and I want to share my most sincere sympathies for the loss of your beloved husband ❤️
@@wolpertinger. Thank you so much for your loving thoughts. As is everyone's relationship with their spouse, mine was so special. But I really felt cheated when he died.... we met and dated in 1979, but it didn't work out back then. We lost touch and were reunited 30 years later in 2009. When we found each other again we never spent one day apart until the day he crossed over. I do miss him. 💜
ZainaDancer I couldn’t imagine how it would feel to lose your beloved husband. There never really is anything to say in situations such as this, apart from reassuring you that, perhaps, everything happens for a reason. You seem so strong and resilient and I applaud you for that. ❤️
@@wolpertinger. 💜
Think of it this way: 50 years, few to none of us will even be here. So you want to go to school or have a vacation, you better get to it.
If you're young, don't be under the impression you'll automatically live to be 100. Most people won't, particularly males, and people of color. If you're make it to middle age, the older you are, the longer you are likely to live. Younger people tend to have more car wrecks and things like accidents and drug ODs.
Just 20 or 30 years, your list of dead people will be pretty substantial
i lost my dad this last january. we found him in his bed 7 hours after he died. he was in rigor mortis and his body was cold. before the coroner came and took his body to the funeral home, i held his hand, hugged him, and kissed his cheek. the feeling of his skin not being warm was so odd but i was okay with it. i am more than beyond grateful he died peacefully and in a place he loved most (his bed😂). holding him was one way that brought me to the realization that he is gone. it brought me the peace i needed since i knew he was going to be cremated. my sister told me to watch caitlins videos and her videos helped me even more with coming to terms with his death. having final moments with the body of a loved one can help so much.
EDIT: wow thank you all for the likes!
Rigor mortis
I’m so sorry for your loss. My Dad also died in Jan, but in 2018. We were really lucky to have those moments and that time to be with our Dad too. I’m glad Caitlin’s videos have helped you. Thinking of you and your family at this time of the year ❤️
So sorry for your loss. Very glad he died peacefully as well. Caitlin is awesome. Working with the dead is absolutely not for me, but I appreciate those who do. They're needed.
Our loved ones never completely leave us.
I count myself lucky that I found Caitlins videos just a few months before my dad died in March. I was with him, holding his hand as his breathing grew very slow and then stopped altogether. I just kept talking to him afterwards, remembering old times. After 20 minutes or so, a nurse happened to pop in just to say hello (he was in hospice), and I mentioned that I believed he had passed. After he was officially pronounced, I remained, still holding his hand and a social worker came in, I told her about the life he had led, etc. We stood and said a prayer for him and it was such a sweet, memorable goodbye. Thank you Caitlin for making me feel so comfortable with a subject I truly knew nothing about.
Caitlin's channel is called Ask A Mortician and she is an excellent educator, storyteller and content creator. She has changed the way I view death in a very positive way.
@Free Radical - I found this clip at 4am this morning. I've always had a huge Phobia about dead people. I don't even go to family funerals. The guilt is debilitating and so is the Phobia. This beautiful woman has a way of getting through. May God bless her for trying to help people like me! 💖
@@susieq1565 I'm glad you've found a way to begin healing from your phobia. Take it slow. Too much information too soon can cause a set back in your progress. Best wishes to you. 💞
@@JJDiddley Thank you. I really appreciate the advice 💜
As odd as it may be, Caitlin actually helped me a lot. I found her videos shortly after my mom died. I was struggling a lot as I was only 11. I was depressed, had anxiety, even began self harming. But her videos gave me this weird comfort that helped me confront my loss and grief. They also of course helped me confront my own mortality as well as everyone else’s. Now I’m 16 and an aspiring mortician. I believe wholeheartedly in all of Caitlin’s ideas and aspire to be like her someday. I want to go to mortuary school, work in a traditional home for some years, and when I’m ready, open my own home like Undertaking LA. Maybe I’ll even name it Undertaking Chicago, if I decide to stay in the area lol.
When I was in middle school I went to a grief support group that was offered there and I have been thinking of maybe wanting to go back there and tell some of the kids currently in it about this stuff. It’s never too early to think about this stuff, and it’s incredibly important to actually. I even did a speech about how natural burials and such are better than embalming for my speech class. I got an A+.
I want to help educate people and help lead this revolution of death positivity as Caitlin is. It’s sad how we in the West let this rich culture of death be taken over by fear. It’s time for us to reclaim it.
Bagel Grrrl Very well said. Our society needs all the help it can get, in appreciating life and facing death. Don’t believe the people who ridicule you and say you are weird. I promise you, one day; they will wish they had your experience and expertise...
Bagel Grrrl my dear child I too, lost my mother when I was 11. My mother died the day after Christmas. I am now 56 years old. I still at times miss her so much and other times I don’t. I wish that I would have been able to go to a counseling group as you did and encourage you to go back if you need to. I was surprised when I reached the age of 43, which was the same age as my mother when she died and went on to have another birthday. I am a nurse and find much pleasure in helping others, including the deceased and their families. Please know that you are not alone in your struggles. Life is a book with many plots and twists and turns. Sometimes you have to put the book down for just a bit until later in the day or even the next morning but just keep reading and keep living for the next chapter because you never know what life will bring you until you turn the page. Best wishes for a happy life my dear!
Bagel Grrrl You go girl!! She is indeed a REAL Mentor to look up to!
"I want to help educate people and help lead this revolution of death positivity as Caitlin is. It’s sad how we in the West let this rich culture of death be taken over by fear. It’s time for us to reclaim it."
I agree completely. We've "sanitised" death to the point where we can't relate to it at all. And that's terrible. Death is a normal part of the cycle of life. I guess that part of this is because our life expectancy is so much higher these days. In years gone by, it wasn't at all unusual for parents to bury at least one child and living to be over 50 was pretty impressive. But these days it's not so common and that's left us unprepared for how to deal with death and how to tell children about it, and help children through grief.
My grandmother used to sit with the dead at funeral homes. In Missouri, it was the law that corpses couldn't be left alone. So it was her job and she loved it. She'd visit with the family and talk to the corpse. She felt she had built a relationship with them. When she died, her best friend volunteered to be the one with her. I hope my children get that opportunity with me.
Why shave a corpse if they’re going to be cremated?
@@Greeley.d The open casket is not only for those who wants to be buried.
I love that she says, "Death is not an emergency."
While my grandma was alive I would cut dye and style her hair, when she got Alzheimer’s it was hard for her to do it for herself, so I would do it for her and it would always brighten her face when she saw the finished look! When she was dying I cut and brushed out her hair so she could look pretty for all the people coming to say goodbye to her. When she passed only immediate family were allowed to the viewing, then her funeral was immediately after, I asked a person at the funeral home if they had a hair brush, They gave me a brush, and I started brushing her hair, my grandmothers sister comes up to me and says, it’s a closed casket that isn’t necessary. I said I did her hair for her the last 5+ years, I’m doing this for me. So I can brush her hair one last time. People also rushed me when I was saying goodbye. It really irritated me. It was the hardest death I’ve had to go through. Everyone grieves differently and Mine was being involved in her death just like she said. It feels good that you took care of them all the way till they are put in the ground.
Yes I cut my grandmas nails before she died. It was really hard and sad
I'm sorry your experience burying your loved one was rushed. When my friend died, I didn't get to spend nearly the amount of time I wanted to, just sitting by her side like I used to, and I never got to say goodbye to any of my grandparents because they were so far away. I hope the next time you have to deal with this, it's a lot more pleasant and you can get the closure that everyone looks for when their loved one has died.
Alzheimers is such a terrible thing. My grandfather had it, theres nothing more depressing than someone you spent your whole life close to doesnt recognize you anymore..
@@datman3416 It's horrible to go through. My great grandfather passed from Alzheimer's a few years ago, and it hit the family pretty hard. I have many memories of playing restaurants with him in the living room, with the sparse toy food that we had. I miss him a lot.
@@decentlysmartforanidiot8284 Sorry for your loss, its a horrible disease. I lived with my grandparents my whole life and I was always the one who brought my gpop his beers, old irish man so you know he loved his brews. Later on when he was getting really bad in the nursing home my cousin used to sneak beers in there for him and my grandfather always thought it was me and called my cousin by my name. That brought me comfort knowing deep in his mind he didnt forget me.
I love how she makes it ok to talk about death. I greatly appreciate all her videos and all her expertise.
exactly she helped me get over my fear of dying
This made me realise one thing.. I still can't get over with the fact that my grandfather is dead.. He died on 9th Sept 2007.. I was told he was sleeping, but they didn't tell me he was not coming back.. I didn't shed a tear at his funeral.. And here I am now, 13 years later crying like he had just died.. I miss him so much 💔
On the other hand.. A friend of mine fought cancer for years.. And this year caught covid and died.. She has two sons 14 and 10.. They didn't even see her before she was cremated.. They only told them that their mum is in a better place.. Those kids don't have a closure.. At least I saw a dead body, but their mum was turned to ash.. They will never see her again... My soul hurts for them...
these covid deaths are so traumatic. people can’t say goodbye in person when their loved one is alive, then can’t even say goodbye after they’re dead because funeral homes are so overwhelmed.
@@Lucy-fn9rj It's true. Zoom funerals are a poor replacement for having your family and friends surround you in a time of mourning.
Plant a beautiful tree or bush in her honor with a bench,write down wonderful memories of her in a yearly timeline, Etc..Be creative🙏
I had a similar experience when my grandma died. We were all called to the hospital because there was a complication during heart surgery and she wasn't going to wake up. So the doctors wanted everyone to say their goodbyes before she passed. I was 9 I think. So my mom wanted to take me to see her (her mom), and the doctors told her not to because it would be "too scary" because of all the tubes and such. So I never got to see her before she passed. After she passed the doctor came in the room to tell us, and I already knew what he was going to say, so I plugged my ears under a pillow to not hear it. Then they said once they got her cleaned up, and all the tubes and machines removed, I could go see her. So I did, but it wasn't the same... It wasn't her anymore, she looked very dead... so once I saw her I just wanted to leave.
I also never cried at her funeral. It was years (7-10) before I finally processed it enough to cry. I had processed it on a logical level before it even happened, but never on an emotional level.
And to top it all off I've had a fear of death/dead things/dying ever since! Seeing her newly dead body was way more traumatizing than seeing her with machines/tubes would have been. I turn 32 in less than 3 months and I'm still angry at the doctors for not letting me see her before she died.
And my heart, too. Closure is really REALLY important
I did this with my father as a way to honor him. I had him waked in our home for 4 days with around the clock viewing. Alot of people were shocked and even the funeral parlor director was telling me she didn't even know if it was legal. I said i'm paying for it so you will do as I say. I'm Native American and waking our dead in home is a traditional way of honoring our dead. I wouldn't have it any other way! R.i.p. daddy! 😢🙏❤
It is perfectly legal to do a wake in your home. That's how they used to do it 100 years ago. Most cultures including Native Americans did it this way. Families also assisted with dressing the deceased. My condolences for the loss of your father. Part of my family is also Native American and I'll probably do this when my stepmother goes if she wants.
May he rest in peace.
Were I come from we also do that
Yeah, it's legal. This is why they make dry ice. Steaks from Omaha and corpses.
No joke. Steak will easily last several days.
She actually does a video on this on her page. It is 100% legal for you to have the body until the actual burial at a time you choose.
Being in the dry cleaning business from 1930 - 1995, my Grandfather & Father always cleaned, pressed and prepared a person's burial clothes at no charge to the family, and at any time during or outside of normal business hours. I always had a great admiration for that gesture.
My dad died 13 years ago from lung cancer. He wanted to die in the hospital. I told my mom that I wanted to hold his hand as he passed, since he wasn't in the delivery room when I was born (1968). I am so glad I was able to do that for him and for me.
Thank you Caitlin, for your videos and supporting those of us who do not see death as morbid but just as a part of life.
Lisa Mulloy I
As an ICU nurse, I see death often. It remains the greatest privilege for me to wash and prepare someone who has died before the undertakers collect him/her. I totally agree with this speaker and if anyone thinks that is "creepy", that's their loss.
It really is, I find it very comforting to almost send someone on their way. It's a real honor to be able to do that.
yea, death is a natural part of life. it should not be seen as bad.
You are very much appreciated!!
My 31 year old daughter was hanging out with us, watching movies...we laughed lots, chatted and had a nice time. When it was time to go home as we both had to work the next day, I gave her a big hug, told her how much I loved her, and how proud I was of her, she said "I love you too, popsicles" (her nickname for me). and she left. I had no idea it would be the last time I saw her. I knew she wanted to be cremated, so I honored that wish, but one thing I couldn't do was see her dead. I have my memories of her big hug, her laughter, and our love. I didn't want my last memory of her to be as a corpse. I do not regret no seeing her corpse one bit, but of course so many regrets of not spending enough time, and not being a better dad will ALWAYS haunt me.
I love you and Miss you so very, very much, Stefanie Paige.
I wish I could be more open about death like this. It's my worst fear for myself and loved ones. But seeing this made me rethink seeing someone after they died to be able to have more closure, so thank you
pokkets I hope that you are able to conquer your fear. It's sad, it's always going to be, but I promise you that you will see life in a completely different way. Nothing is more motivating, both with your goals and in treating others well, than understanding your own mortality. Hugs to you on your journey. I wish you the best.
Watching Caitlyn’s TH-cam channel! It’s really helpful!
Jamie McCoy - I find reminders of death stultifying .
People who say they are motivated by death give me the
CREEPS.
pokkets
It's ok to be afraid of the unknown just don't let it prevent you from enjoying life and family to it's fullest.
pokkets my grandfather dying is what pushed me to be open. Our family sat with his body for several hours after he died and we all told our favorite stories about him. I was definitely more afraid of death when I was younger. I’m 45 now and I no longer fear it. ❤️
When you become accustomed to Caitlyn' s humour and delivery you know when to laugh and when she's serious
This audience was hesitant but I don't blame.
True
It took me awhile to be ok with laughing when I first started watching her videos. I felt bad at first but you’re 100% right. The way she speaks you know when and when not to laugh with her.
You are an inspiration.
@ivor Biggun shes trying to inspire people to keep their dead relatives with them and be very intimate with the bodies
@@Lyle-xc9pg 🙄 false, she's promoting death education and for people to not be afraid of their dead loves ones as well as their own mortality
shes not an inspiratin she is straight up looney
Mark F. No disrespect mark, but then why are u on a vid featuring her?
@@ameliashostak4764 to lol @ her
Death is the one thing that terrifies me more than anything else. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that one day I will just be gone and I will never have a conscious thought again. A mixture between being a student nurse and watching Caitlin’s videos have helped me somewhat overcome that fear. I am a forever deathling
Alisha Francis the best nursing advice I ever received was from my high school CNA instructor. She said, we can’t help others through death until we make peace with how we feel about death. That could mean we believe there is an afterlife, or nothing, whatever it is we believe we must have peace to help others start their journey towards peace. 10 years later, CNA to ADN to BSN to MSN I’ve witnessed countless deaths. One day you will, too. I hope you find your peace ❤️ and I’m glad Caitlin is helpful. Best wishes on your nursing journey!
I don't think anyone could help me deal with my own impending death (they've tried), and I watch her videos too, but it does help me with the "weirdness" of being around someone dead and in thinking natural green burial shouldn't be so weird in society. We're poisoning the ground and water to delay a (now useless) body from getting a few bugs on it for a short period on Earth when we won't even care, cause we'll be dead. My only request is the people who take care of my body after to please make sure I'm dead. Drain all my blood to make sure. More scarier than actual dying is a long drawn out death, especially due to preventable human error. Spending my final moments furious and terrified, clawing hopelessly for a way out, is not how I'd like to go.
I'm a devout Christian and believe in God's promises, yet the thought of death still scares me. I know it's just the unknown, the mystery of it all. I'm a retired nurse and have seen my share, plus family members pass over and I've never seen anyone struggle when they were dying. Also, I think when someone is so sick and tired of suffering, that death is welcome.
I have a lovely book called "The Holy Man" (by Susan Trott) that addresses many things, including death, fear, and fear of death. I see it as being practical rather than mystical.
Your fear is understandable, but is death the end? I am a Past Life Regression Hypnotist and I can say without a doubt that your existence does not end with the death of your body. Your consciousness survives. Our Souls are immortal and lives on after the body dies.
The last thing my papa said to me was "hold my hand while I do this, it brings me comfort- I love you" Then they put the CPAP machine back on him and got him ready for another emergency surgery. He died in the recovery room. I sat there and held his hand and watched my tears fall on his chest and arm. I held and patted his hand until my family forced me to go home.
💔💕💕
Wow, I choked up reading that. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sincerely.
You're a real sweetheart ❤
The first corpse I saw was in a wet lab when I was in massage school - you may wonder why a massage therapist needs to go to a wet lab, but all the diagrams and plastic models in the world can't compare with the experience of seeing ACTUAL human muscle sans skin.
A lot of my classmates had problems being in the same room as the two bodies that were presented for us - but the way the lab assistants behaved in relation to the people just filled me with respect. They spoke to them like they were still with us. They pointed to the different muscles as though the people were life models. They reminded us that these individuals had donated their bodies to science and that because of them, we were going to be better massage therapists; it reminded us to be grateful to these generous and forward-thinking people instead of viewing them as just scary corpses. It completely removed the stigma and fear.
I think when we try to separate ourselves from death - paying others to deal with death, as Caitlin put it - we subconsciously tell ourselves that it is something we need to run from. But when we do the opposite, when we face death, we lose our fear. :)
The Lost Lemurian k
I remember watching a documentary where they visited a medical school and they showed a pin board where the students had left notes and cards thanking the corpses for allowing them to study them and become good doctors and scientists, it was such a sweet thing for the students to do, and they spoke to the corpses as if they were still alive and telling them everything they were doing. I want to leave my body for science, since my organs will probably be no good lol
Massage therapists unite!
What's a wet lab?
Don't we have plastination now?
My.mother's alcoholic, cirrhotic liver was donated to science by me.
Too bad there is no shortage of bad livers from alcoholism.
I was with my best friend minutes before he died. I had never seen cancer take a life before, the hospital has pamphlets about death but it is not the same. the body was like a shell of him. it was not scary. I was scared to touch him though because I didnt know if the cancer hurt his skin or my touch would be painful. I felt sad to see him like that but so grateful to have as much time as I could with him. I kissed his forehead and it was cold. like his soul was already released. I just wanted to stay with him in that room holding his hand forever. the hardest part was knowing I would never see him again. rest in peace Kerry. I once told him, "Kerry, you are such a gentleman, a real old fashioned gentleman and that so nice to see these days.." he leaned over and with a twinkle in his eye he replied softly," I have my mother to thank for that!"
Dawn Bentleah lord have mercy this brought me to tears. Rest in peace to your friend and so sorry for your loss. May you and his loved ones be blessed.
Karla DiBenedetto This brought tears to my eyes also, the kind of tears that come unexpectedly and spill over before one can even understand it entirely what dry, dusty untouched place in one's soul has been affected by such a simple moment being remembered and retold with affection only, and not with regret that paralyzes
Beautiful story. I pray I meet a gentleman one day!
The mummified grandfather got a new set of clothes every morning? His hygiene is better than mine...
Lmao 😂 Most underrated comment here 💯
loll thank you for this, I was sobbing a second ago
My brother is a "Deadhead." He changes his clothes every month, whether he needs it or not! ;)
I was able to mother my son until he was cold. I cherish that moment. If I choose burial, I would have cherished being able to help dress him one last time. I don't think closure is the term I am seeking. Empowering is the term. Taking care of your loved one's body gives you a very unique chance to say goodbye.
I can not imagine the pain of losing a child. I am so sorry for your loss 💔. I'm sure that getting to hold him that last time was so very therapeutic for you in such a heartbreaking situation. I pray you have found peace☮️🙏
❤️
I'm so sorry you lost your son. Glad you had that opportunity to have that final intimacy, it is helpful.
Sad to say, the home that dressed my sister did an awful job with hair/ makeup and it horrified me. She was a wonderful person but quite vain and I knew she would hate it. Right there at the viewing (no one but family there) I whipped out makeup and comb to fix it and at first my family freaked out a little.
Then Dad said "Remember, she works in the hospital, she's used to dead people".
It broke the tension and I was able to send my sis to her final resting place looking much better.
@ Barbara Danley
I think your sister had a good laugh when she saw you doing that! :-D ♥
❤️
Thank you for what you do, Caitlin.
When I suddenly lost my husband to a motor vehicle accident, the funeral director, who had been a friend of ours, told me that he didn't recommend that I see his body, due to the length of time after autopsy (a smell), and the fact that his face was all scratched up. (He had also been severed at the waist, apparently, but I wouldn't have needed to see that).
I went for months, if not years, not truly believing that he was dead, and even thinking that I saw him walking in public places at times. I often wondered if he had faked his death with his friend's assistance. For why? Any reason wasn't too far fetched.
I don't know whether I would have been as horrified as he had said I would be, but I believe had I insisted that I see the body, I may not have had such a complicated and extended grieving process.
So sorry, Tanya. Did they not offer to embalm? If you had a good embalmer, that could have helped you to find some closure.
Death needs closure....seeing the person can freak u out but it help u heal
So sorry for your experience, Tanya. I think it's natural to feel like that. You see it so often in films, don't you - when one of the characters thinks they see that person who's gone in the street and run after them!
We're not as highly evolved as all that and we need to truly know/see the body of our loved one to accept and process it.
I'm not comparing the two, but we have a family of cats; 3 brothers from the same litter. When one was killed on the road a few years back, we never got the body back and only found out from a neighbour, so we never saw him again, neither did his siblings. The cat who was closest to him looked for him and missed him for so long, and the grief was visible. I later read that it can help animals if they are allowed to see/spend time around the body of their mate or relative, so they KNOW it's real. Why should the human animal be any different?
When my mom was at the end of her journey and battle with cancer, our hospice nurses and staff reminded our family that we could take all the time we needed with mom after she was gone. That it wasn't an emergency, and that we could call them whenever we were ready. After holding mom's hand as she took her last breaths, I stayed with her.
When her nurse got there after we called, she asked if there was anything that we wanted to do. She and I, together, bathed mom one last time, and changed her clothes. I never in a million years would have thought that I could have the strength to do that, but it was actually such a perfect moment. It gave me just a few more moments to care for her, as she had cared for me my whole life. Our family came by to tell her goodbye one last time and her nurse sat with us for as long as we needed her there.
I stood by as the staff came to take her body to the crematorium. They were so kind, and even took our request seriously to have mom's port (for her cancer treatments) removed before cremation. I am thankful for those last few hours that we got to allow us a sense of closure, and the hospice and funeral home staff for guiding us through her last weeks and days.
Love you, Momma! Fly high!
Hospice nursing is a special kind of care. Compare that with the hospital model, not that hospitals set out to dismiss these patients, it's just the emphasis is on diagnosis and cure. I wish everyone had the sort of end that your mother had. In some cases, I think there isn't the support structure or the willing family. I hated being the last person with an elderly person dying at the nursing home job I have had. Yes, we cared. Yes, we extended as much time and support as possible, but when you have other people living around you that need you, you have to walk away. Some of the elderly had been long time patients and the nurses aides would become very emotionally overwrought. Not just because of the close attachment, but the lonely sort of passing. We were always left with traces of guilt: did we give all that we could? Was there something I could do to make her passing more bearable?
The gift of hospice is that you leave behind a clear and guilt free memory. This allows you to focus on the life and not avoid memories of her death. That sort of bad memory can stalk you through life, believe me.
I really like this lady, I think she has a way to make something thought to be so dark and almost taboo, something worth talking about. And it’s about time someone did.
She has a TH-cam channel if you want to see more of her. It's called Ask a Mortician
She also has 3 books if you wanna check them out! Shes a New York Times best selling author!
790757 6743 : her TH-cam channel is worth watching.
Decades ago I had to walk pass the funeral home on my way home from work. If someone was in "visitation" I'd stop, view the remains, sign the guess book and go on home. It has been almost 20 years since my fiancé was killed in a car crash. The family opted for cremation. On the morning she was to be taken from the funeral home to the crematory I was there, helping load her body, unload her body. Making sure she was properly composed for that last journey. You are correct. It is very empowering.
i asimov As someone who is now freshly engaged and about to be several hundred miles away from my partner for a long, long time...my biggest fear is losing them due to accidents like that. I really felt it when you said you lost your fiance. I'm sorry that happened...but I'm glad you found it empowering. All the best
yes when someone in our family goes, I dont like to leave them all alone or unrepresented until in the ground, I wanted to be there for my momes embalming but they did it right away so it was not an option, and for my uncles cremation, my dad said you have to learn to let go, I wanted to say look this is how I greave being with them till the process is done, my dads like you dont do that, when my mom passed we rode back to the church to get my car but I went back out to the final resting place till she was put in the ground. I sat and watched as the valt with casket was lifted with straps and moved into the hole and lowered, I went up and looked in and said this is my mother, can do you mind if I put in the first handful of dirt, and they let me as they were packing some of the other equiptment up before putting the dirt over the vault, I was surprized how there is only about three feet of dirt to hold it down in the hole and the graves are not always exactly 6 feet sometimes a big more sometimes a little less but it takes about three feet of dirt to hold it down. I just wish they would not talk and carry on soo much when they work as grave diggers, your not running an errand to deliver supplys or working in a factory have some reverance and be careful about your work that was someones mom I wanted to tell them, but for some its just to put food on the table, no care about the job they do.
as for my mom I was there till she was in the ground and praying with her after she just passed and the heat was just starting to cool after passing, it was surreal holding her hand like that.
Why did you feel the need to visit and sign the book?
Clare Swinney Respect.
In Jamaica we call wakes Nine nights where family members and friends come to eat food play games and celebrate the lives of whoever has passed.
kimberley williams yeah girl, some of the best curry goat and mannish water can be found at nine night.
@@ahmara9778 right! Mi ah tell yuh
This honestly... sounds AMAZING!
@Torchy Brown yeeeeeees my grandma was buried on the land she grew up on and my dad and aunts own it.
@Probably Buddha that's really cool
This woman has inspired me so much in becoming so death positive and now, at 21, I’m an intern at a hospital/police morgue!
Congrats! I wish I can do it one day too
When my Granda died, he was propped up, in his favorite chair with a drink in hand and tons of great stories were told about his life. It was an excellent departure
That’s sounds oddly fun.... and the image this sparks is also somewhat amusing. My condolences to you for your grandfather’s death, it’s not an easy thing to experience for anyone and I hope you’re doing well despite your loss.
A good old Irish wake
I don't know about being propped up in a chair with a drink in my hand, but other than that, that's how I want my wake to be. Celebrate my life and tell stories about me that make you laugh until you're crying.
i´m sorry for your loss. may i ask where you live, in which cultural context? i think it´s a much more beautiful way to celebrate a death, to collectively tell stories and remember them.
That sounds absolutely wonderful. I imagine it was a fun time.
Love this woman's shared insights. 18 years ago I received a call at 2 a.m. from my older brother saying, "Jon, it's about mom." I said, "What about mom?" For crying out loud, all he could say was "It's bad." I was so pissed at the lack of detail I slammed the phone down and called my mother's physician, who just happened to be with her, first thing that morning. He said her system was shutting down and it was only a matter of time. I asked, "Is she conscious?" and he said "Not at this time." I asked if he would put the phone by her ear and he complied. I said, "Mom, I love you and I want you to hang on if you can. I'm on my way." A nurse picked up the phone and said, "Thank you for doing that. I think she heard you because she tried to blink her eyes."
I got in my car and drove the 1500 miles to get there as fast I could. When I got there the only other person there was her younger sister and mom had just 90 minutes left before the IC nurses declared her deceased. During that time I held her hand, gently stroked her hair and talked with her through her last breath. We'll never know what that meant to her but I can tell you the intimacy of sharing those last few moments as one of the closest people to my life slipped from life into physical death was one of the most peaceful, personal experiences I have ever had and gave me greater strength toward accepting the loss as my life moved forward. Yes, personal caring is a tremendous healer.
❤❤ thank you for your words. I am sorry for your loss. God bless
that is beautiful what you did and I am happy for you that you got there on time
My mom died last Monday. I found this video healing. Thank you.
Extraordinary talk, Caitlin. I, too, feel very strongly about this. When I lost my 4 year old little boy, (almost 30 years ago), my now ex-husband's family kept me from even seeing my child after he died. I was only in my 20's, and completely a mess. They gave me Valium so "I wouldn't make a scene".I am now in my 50's, and gone through the mourning process many times- we all do-but this feeling of being stolen my last goodbye will always affect me.The dead deserve to be treated with love and fearless respect. Thank you for this video!Blessed Be.
Julie Bryant Hein
You should've been given the chance to say your last goodbye, and kiss your child, because that would've been closure for you. Of course you would still grieve for your child, but you would've been satisfied that you saw him, for the very last time. I can't imagine what a huge hole there's in your tender heart! 💙💗💜💚💛❤
I'm so sorry to hear this. Several years ago, my second child had to be delivered very prematurely because of terrible complications with the pregnancy. He died minutes later. Hospital staff only allowed me to see his body after I begged for hours, and then I was allowed to view him for 3-5 seconds. I wasn't allowed to touch or hold him. Then they took him away and I never saw him again. No birth certificate, no funeral, nothing. I don't think I'll ever get over it.
Rachel Coleman hi, Rachel. I'm so sorry for the loss of your child. This is the loss that must truly be the worst to endure. As a fellow mum, I recall that fear of the worst happening... It hurts just to think about.
While I imagine the hospital staff thought they were saving you from further trauma, what they did was actually make the trauma worse. If it was ever suggested to you it 'wasn't that bad' or something, it was. Your feelings are legitimate.
Our minds and hearts need that sense of closure, and seeing a loved one after they pass has been a matter of fact since the dawn of time. I suspect strongly that interrupting that expectation we have - unconscious or not - of seeing and touching allows us to begin processing and ultimately healing from that loss.
I'm absolutely not an expert, just someone touched by your comment, and while no words I can offer would likely help, I wanted to say that I hear you, I recognize your pain and loss, and that I stand with you in knowing that you were treated very wrongly.
I hope you have family and friends who know this is true, and who can support you in dealing with your grief, no matter how long it takes. I realize you stated it's been some years, but I know this wouldn't just get easier in a short time.
I wish hope for you to be able to heal to the place where the pain fades to mostly strong memories of love, and joy that your baby touched your life, if only for moments. She or he will be forever in your heart.
Blessings to you, Mama. I wish you great joy, health, and happiness.
🙏♥️
Not only is the funeral industry not interested in families reclaiming ownership of death, but as you indicated in your talk, many families would just as soon leave this task to professionals. It will take much crusading and a significant social shift to change, but thank you for initiating the conversation, Caitlin. I've followed your work for years and fully support your views.
Anne Harwood I support her completely however I dont intend on any of the things she mentioned. it isn't for me but it should be a option and legal to grieve the best way possible to help loved ones left behind. I dont have to shave my father or bathe my mother to feel empowered. Its ok to feel vulnerable and sad. Its ok to not be ok. Just BC it should be an option to be more involved, I dont think there should be shaming in death for those of us that don't choose to grieve that way. I will never park Mom in my living room while we all have wine and cheese. lol The only thing I want to do actually is make a giant poster to put on the door that says, " cliché free zone". Save all of the , there is a reason for everything, God needed her more, she is with angels now, no more pain, insert ur own here.
Jess Secrest in case you thought she was suggesting that you are somehow wrong in your desire to be less involved, she wasn't. She has made many videos and made it clear that the death industry just needs to meet everyone where they're at. But I can also see how what she said could be taken that way.
I was the last person to say goodbye to my maternal grandmother. She was suffering from glioblastoma, a particularly brutal tumor of the brain that was always terminal. Hospice care had been at our home for about a week or so and informed us she didn’t have long. So that night, I went in, held her hand, and told her that if she was ready to go, I was ready for her to go. My Gran had a track record of facing life-threatening disease and battling through them miraculously by her fierce devotion to caring for me and any other children in the family. She was our matriarch. She held out to the last to make sure I was okay. She passed around 1 AM that night. I was heartbroken, my one worry was that she was so physically incapacitated she and I didn’t have a proper farewell. But no worries. She couldn’t say goodbye to me in real life, but she took the time to do so in a dream a week after. Call it grief, call it a spirit visitation, I don’t care. I just call it closure.
A few hours before my dad died, I suddenly had this strong urge to wash him, shave his beard, clip his nails and finally clean his mouth. He smelled good and his skin had the pinkish glow, which was in contrast to how he looked while in a hospital room. We realized he probably wanted to be where he was most comfortable in, in our own home. He took his last breath at 4:11pm, a few hours after we took him home. I am sure he heard us say our last goodbyes the whole time he was in a 2-day coma. Love and miss you Father dear♥♥♥
I absolutely adore Caitlyn’s TH-cam channel. She has a great way of making you comfortable with what is a very uncomfortable subject for many. I’ve been on a binge watching spree of her content lately and I’ve learned so much! And honestly she’s taught me more about death and everything surrounding it in a week than I’ve learned in my 31 years on this earth. Be nice to her people!
A fellow deathling
When I first started watching her I laughed during one video and felt bad because I thought it wasn’t ok to laugh. Now a couple years later I get it and I don’t feel bad anymore. She’s such a good person.
My parents were married for 66 years, and died 12 hours apart. They had both lost a lot of weight, and we wanted to bury them in a single coffin, arms wrapped around each other. The funeral director told us that it was illegal to bury two bodies in a single casket, at least in California.
After listening to Caitlin, I'm really questioning whether the funeral director either lied to us, in order to sell us a second coffin, or was simply misinformed.
This was more than 11 years ago, so I don't hope to fix anything, but if anyone else faces a similar situation, what is the truth?
Rick Kinki - I don't see why it can't be done. I know someone who said they put the baby in with the mother at the last minute. I just read an article about a couple who were buried together. Just look up, "Husband and Wife of 77 Years Buried in the Same Casket After Dying Hours Apart: 'They Were Good People'"
I cannot imagine how difficult a time this must have been for you and your family, and your plans were truly loving. I've no idea of the laws relating to requests like yours but would understand if they specify that each deceased person be placed in an individual casket, to prevent general malpractice, etc, on the part of funeral directors.
Rick Kinki my father-in-law died a few months ago. He wanted to be cremated and while shopping for his urn, my mother-in-law picked out a beautiful companion urn. It will hold both of their remains. So pop sits on the mantel in the living room right now patiently waiting for mom. After her death then they will be buried together in the family plot.
Dorie Neuhaus that’s so beautiful :(
He lied. I know a mother and child buried in the same coffin in California
My first dead body was my brothers. He was 9 years older than me and when he died he was only 24 years old, the victim of manslaughter. When we visited him in the funeral home, his body was covered in a white sheet, his mouth had already been tacked shut, and his eyes had been glued closed. It looked fairly unnatural, and given how crooked and sloppy the job had been done, I was very glad he was being cremated (he would have hated being seen that way). The funeral director gave us an hour with the body before she chased us out and told us the room needed to be cleared for the next visitors. It was a wholly unpleasant experience that did not at all aide in the grieving process. I've always been fairly comfortable with death and found that the most comforting thing in the time of grief is caring for the body and sending it away peacefully. When my first patient died in the nursing home a few years later, it brought me comfort to help clean up the sweet old lady who had always made my clinical experience a quaint one. I felt it was my duty to at least have her looking as neat in death as she'd always asked to be in life (after all, it was my job to take care of her). Death is something that has been thrown away and it really should be part of the grieving process.
Your story about the funeral director reminds me of when one of my closest friends passed away nearly two years ago (suicide), and how we all got told to hurry up and were ushered out of the chapel by before the cremation. I couldn't believe how insensitive she (the funeral director) was.
What you said about death being something that has been 'thrown away' really made me think.
I'm deeply sorry for what you had to experience with your brother through that shower of incompetent philistine amateurs who dealt with his remains. People who treat the dead without reverence are dishonouring themselves, the person in their care and, worst of all, you the the living, who are made to witness their shameful actions. If they only knew the harm they do.
Your respect and tenderness toward that lady is like righting that wrong that was done to you and YOUR family, i think. Thank God there are people like you in the world to help make it a better place.
Unreal Productions ii
I was not aware that this is the reality of death in America. When my mother passed on last year, me and my brother got to spend an hour with her dead body, before me and my aunt washed her, dressed her and prepped her body for burial. I didn't think much of it at the time, but my aunt was very grateful for my participation. Now that I look back upon it, I am too. It wasn't scary, it was comforting. I enjoyed caring for her like she had been caring for me all my life.
When my mom died in hospice, I and 2 friends were there with her. Mom had been adamant that she just wanted to be cremated and told me where to spread her ashes. She did not want any sort of ceremony or anything. During the couple hours we waited for her body to be picked up, we sat around the bed and told stories - funny, happy, and sad. We laughed and cried and were sometimes silent. I think mom would have liked it. I know it was cathartic for the 3 of us there.
I believe your mum liked this good bye and she was there with you. as they say the soul stays around for some time..
Fellow deathlings? Oh how I love how she spreads knowledge about death.
when my husband passed I asked to help with the cleaning of his body and to be there during the process so I could have peace with his passing. They of course as many know refused saying mentally it's to draining on family and that the law requires them only to be the ones that handled the body. That was 18 yrs ago and so when my 2nd husband passed 3yrs ago they said only morticians can take care of the body again bc of hazardous materials. I think that bc they refused me those 2 requests is why I pushed the deaths down inside me and never properly dealt with them. Those 2 deaths are the only ones that bothers me to this day. I think that the idea of families becoming involved in the preparation of the body, setting with them and celebrating with them should be our choice 100%. would love to be a mortician but in these here parts you can't unless you're male and family of the owners.
JypCee Several years ago I watched a PBS program titled "A Family Undertaking" I think it was a POV program. People who wished to die at home, or wished to be returned to their homes to be prepared for burial. There was a co-ordinator, who helped, wash, dress and coffin the body. Some families, built or bought and decorated the coffins themselves. These people also chose not to be embalmed. I have already instructed my six sons to use a cardboard coffin to remove me to the crematorium and that at least one must watch my body being cremated. They will then call family friends to arrange to use their party center for a pizza, crepes & sauerkraut with pork, party. Country & 60's rock will be on the play list. Having 2 bouts of cancer since 2000, I want them to be prepared and know exactly what I expect from them. Besides it is interesting to watch them haggle over who gets to do what. One grandson, whose dad bought his late grandparents/ greatgrands house, recently asked me who would get MY house. They may draw straws! There will be an end, a plan, and a purpose for them all.
If, god forbid, my girlfriend (hopefully then-wife) passes before me, being the one to wash her body would bring me the same closure you talk about. It's such a shame you were lied to so heinously.
I first heard from my line manager at work who is Sikh that he will wash and prepare the body of his nephew (he passed last week, rest his soul) and at that point I was freaked out. Watching Caitlin's videos and mulling it over, it just makes sense to be the one to wash your family's body, not some stranger.
I hope you manage to deal with the feeling of you haven't already. What a horrific thing you had done to you.
You can start your own mortuary itd be a lot of work like starting any business but it would be worth it
I completely agree; we MUST take back death and dying in this country. No chemicals, no artifice, but a body enfolded by love returned to the warm earth after Spirit returns to its Creator.
My mum was guided by our grief counselor to wash and clothe her mother last year when grandma died. She said it was extremely impactful and changed everything for her, she is so grateful to have done it. I'm scared, because I have seen my father and aunt dead and struggle with the memory, but I really hope someday when my mum passes, I'll be brave enough to do the same for her.
My lovely Mum collapsed in the hallway of her house. I was outside her front door and had forgotten my key, I was cradling my 5 month old daughter. I watched my Mum die through the letterbox, I knew she was going as her fingernails turned blue. When we managed to get into the house my Mum had died, she'd wet herself and I attempted mouth to mouth, shook her and told her to wake up as I needed her and then I kissed her and thanked her for being my Mum. The medics turned up and worked on her then declared her dead after 15 minutes. I remember my Mum had no underwear on and I said I didn't want her to leave the house like that and her sister in law, my Mum's brother's wife (who my Mum didn't like!) cleaned my Mum up and put some knickers on her. I was so greatful to her for that. I beat myself up for years that I couldn't help my Mum, couldn't even get in to be with her when she passed but I know now there was nothing I could have done. I miss her so much and that 5 month old baby has just turned 9 years old and she'd have run rings around my Mum 😂 RIP Mum x I love you xxx
I lost child while 5 months pregnant, he was lethally ill and pregnancy was terminated. I decided to hold my son in my arms just after giving a birth to him. And then I went to morgue to see him again before burial, to look at his little body again and to remember him well. I am grateful that I found guts to do that. It is necessary to go through mourning process properly. Now I understand deep sense of our ancestors rituals around death, so much avoided today.
I wish I knew this before my father had passed. The funeral director there wouldn't even let me hold his hand to say goodbye. I had to push just to be allowed to see him. They treated him like this scary object and not a person at all. Still upsets me to think about.
I think that funeral directors think they are "protecting" families when they "keep" them "away." I do not think that they think that we, the public who are grieving, can "handle" it.
My family and I asked if we could see the helmet and motorcycle gear of my cousin. We literally had to convince the funeral director (who had embalmed many of our people) that we would not be horrified since we knew he was with Jesus and we each know that any of us could die at any time, whether heart attack, stroke, or a car turning in the path of a motorcycle.
To our family, death is natural. And closure and understanding is important to us when we process our grief together.
5:03: About people talking to their dead, this is something my cousin does every time she brings flowers to her father (my uncle) in the cemetery in Granada, Spain. When we went there with her, she said: "See who I've brought you this time, dad? It's your nephew and niece and even your brother. Are you happy?" It was really sweet of her!
I worked as a cemetery groundskeeper for almost ten years. In that length of time, I dug more than a few graves -- even for a few loved ones. I never considered it to be "creepy" -- just awfully sad. I remember watching more than a few grieving folks during a graveside service. I wept with them. Spend as much time as you can with your loved ones. Time is short.
Thrilled to see Caitlin being able to reach a wider audience :) Hooray for the deathling community!
As an alzheimers dementia nurse I've held the hands of many of my residents as they passed..the first 4 or 5 were difficult n tearful..then I embraced the fact that they were truly at peace..I get this Caitlyn and I appreciate your philosophy on the topic👍✌💜😊
I love her so much! I'm still freaked out by corpses but I appreciate what she has taught me. I can't remove myself emotionally, to a place where I can handle a dead body, but I now understand and appreciate her line of work and in-home grieving.
I can't remember if I found Caitlyn's youtube channel before or after my Mom died but I was determined I was going to do as much as I could to prepare her. I know it seems odd because it's logical and something we all know, but the only thing that shocked me to the point of sort of setting me back on my heels was how cold she was. So when you take that step, just think about that because it's something we know, but a whole different thing to experience. I think she was not room temp, but had been chilled so it was more than I anticipated.
You know to me the whole idea of a corpes was much more creepy than the actuyal experience. In my country we are not as detached from death as in the states. My grandparents died at home surrounded by our family. They stayed in their beds after death where people came by to say goodbye (instead of just having 1 viewing). This year my father died at home. I was sitting by his side as he drew his last breath. And then he was gone.. even though he still looked .. 'here'. We as a family (mom and my brother) helped dress him, even did his hair with some hairgel :). We brought him to a funeral home where they have these 'family rooms'. You can access these rooms 24/7 (family has a key) and its basically like a living room. We came there every day until the funeral service. Just to sit there with family, talk, drink.. eat.. and dad was there in his open coffin.. some think that is weird. For us it really helped:)
Nan
Do you mind if I ask what country? I'd like to learn more about this handling of loved ones. It seems like an ideal way to grieve.
Lindsay1581 im in the Nederlands. Our idea of death and caring for our dead is more... simplistic? Old fashioned? Not sure how youd call it. Im curious to see how the development will go. Arw we just 'behind' on the states? And will your practice alsp come our way. Or are we (as i hope) attached to 'our ways' and keep it this way
Jenn Trust me I felt the same way until I lost someone I knew my entire life and deeply loved. At that time she was not simply a "dead person" nor a corpse she was my mother who I loved deeply and would no longer see again at least in my lifetime.
Death makes me so nervous. Dying someday makes me scared, and it’s inevitable... i wish we lived in a society that was more accepting of death and didn’t view it as something so sad and terrible.. I think it would make “dying” not so scary and may help those who are grieving as well.
Try to realize, everything that was ever born has died. Every seed, every plant and tree, every fish and animal, and every human being.
The way I see it, we are all in this together... and if they can do it, I can do it.
I understand how you feel, because I had the same misgivings.early in life.Once I became Christian, those fears went away. Always remember that as tears are shed in this life at the moment of death, there is welcoming and rejoicing on the other side of death's doorway for those who've come to know Christ. As the last breath of earthly life is exhaled, it's immediately followed with your very first breath of Heaven.
Arianna Ward this is exactly how I feel. I noticed that once I admitted I was an atheist several years ago, this fear became magnified. Simply because there is no happy afterlife for me to look forward to. In my personal views, we are only here for so long and when our bodies decide to go, they do and then that’s it. I think of death multiple times a day and hope that I too can one day overcome it. *and just in case you are a random person reading this and are compelled to try to push your beliefs on me, please don’t. Whatever you say isn’t going to change my mind, I would really like to just be left in peace.
@@brookepeery7368 I'm only gonna say this, Brooke. Never say never. Former atheist here.
Tamra Dwiggins think what you want. Current and future atheist here.
You have to be very caring to show compassion to the dead. They can't give you anything or do anything for you or even know that you're caring for them. That's true unconditional caring in my opinion.
My dad died three months after I had turned 10 years old, in January of 2006. He had been very sick at his home, with his girlfriend taking care of him. I didn’t like going to his house when he was sick. It hurt and upset me to see him wasting away to nothing like that. I remember my mom asking if I wanted to go see him before he was cremated and I said no. I was still in shock and couldn’t believe he was gone. I tried so hard not to cry at his memorial service, even with my older sister bawling her eyes out next to me. I think I thought I was being strong, but I realize now that it would have been perfectly okay for me to cry. I think I worried people more that I was holding back. Looking back, I wish I had gone to see him before he was cremated. I wish I had spent more time with him while he was sick. I miss him so much.
You were just a little. You did everything the way you were supposed. Please don't live in regret, that's just unnecessary torture. You can always talk to your dad and he can hear you. We are energy and energy cannot be destroyed. He's alive in you and in your sister. My brother would not let me see my dad after he died at the morgue. It took me forever to get over that but I eventually did. Grief has no time limit. I still grieve my father and have hard moments 11 years later.
He knows❤❤❤❤
I just love Caitlyn. Thank you for verbalizing the acceptance of death in our culture.
My grandmother told me what happened when her two oldest son passed away in mid1950s when they were young men early in there 20 due to farming accidents. They were brought home , given a bath in tub, dressed and laid to rest in guest bedroom. The next day my grandfather went to hardware store and purchased coffin and they were placed in coffins and buried. All done without funeral homes and directors. Like she said it was a family duty and responsibility.
Wow. So powerful speach. One special person said the same to me when his mother died. The mother of this person called him, he was talking on the phone and then he heard that the phone droped, he knew at the moment that she passed away and that she called him as a last wish before she died. He took care of her and I did not get it, how he could make this. I was thinking no way that I could do that?!? So he said just like in this video, ''I loved my mom, she took care for me and this is something I was wanting to do and it felt right and fair. I stayed with her until I feel her spirit left her body, just holding her hand and watch how beautiful she is, then I cleaned her, dress her up and prepare her for the funeral. I was crying at that point because I could feel how brave this is, how powerful how clean this person is with himself and with whole universe to do that. And till now this is the only person I know that he was able to do something so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same. But I know that because of this he will never regret to do anything different or that he didn't do enought. Because he knows that he did everything right.
Eleven expensive funeral directors have thumbed this video down.
and normal people
dead people don't scare me. it's the live ones that do.
Monica Therese edgy
I really agree with you. The dead are dead..they can't harm you.. Those alive are more dangerous😉
ok kirito
That is kinda what someone i know said. He was homeless, and he and a female friend slept in a local cemetary. He said "there are no bad spirits there. The place is not haunted. It was peaceful to sleep there." He is right. A cemetary is filled with consecrated earth. No malevolent spirits there!
Monica 😂😂😂
Feel the same LMAOROTF!! Thank you sO much, needed a good laugh ! Peace
So wonderful to see Caitlin getting the wider recognition she truly deserves. Love you, girl! 😘❤️
I lost my son 2 years ago and I wish I knew that I could have cared for his body and dress him.... I would have treasured those last moments with him.
When I was a kid, my grandfather passed away. We went to the funeral home for a viewing. My cousin & I saw him briefly & then the kids were ushered out. My cousin & I decided to explore. We went down the hall & turned the light on in a dark room. There was a body under a sheet on a stainless table. We ran out & sat back down. A few mins later the curiosity got the better of us & we went back to that room, turned the light on & he pulled the sheet back a little. It was the unprepared body of a kid about our age. I was 10 or 11& some 40 years later, I still recall how that little girl looked. That was really my first realization that I could die at pretty much any time & that I would eventually die no matter what. That was a little traumatic for a kid my age but, in an odd sort of way, it made me appreciate my life. We shouldn't have gone in that room but I am kind of glad we did. I realized my own mortality earlier than most people do & when I was a young adult I went through some rough times. I always remembered that young girls body & even through the rough times I never took my gift of life for granted.
I love this woman’s channel.
For anyone not familiar with it, it’s called Ask a Mortician, though judging by the comments, there aren’t many here who are unfamiliar with Caitlin’s channel.
when I lost my fiance, his family didn't allow me to be involved and I only found out they had cremated him at his funeral. I was and (5 years later), am still devastated by this bc the last time I saw him was in the hospital; an hour before he was taken off life support. he has an infection that attacked his brain stem causing it to swell so he was put into a coma but they realized it was that part of his brain there was nothing they could do. his mother before we found out what was wrong, thought I had something to do with it and that we had done some drug and that I was lying to cover my ass so I was allowed very little time with him after bringing him to the hospital. its not that it bothers me that he was cremated, I just wanted to be able to see him to say goodbye first, you know? I certainly feel that we were cheated out of that last goodbye. also, I think this is an example of why advanced directives are so important; before his death, his family wanted little to do with him, he was a recovering addict and had about a year clean, and he and I had been together for nearly 5. had done a adv. directive I feel his real wishes could have been followed and I would have let them be there for him as well.
I'm sorry 😔 . I've seen this so many times before. Just a month ago with a family I know. This guy's girlfriend wasn't allowed at the his funeral because of their chosen life style. I personally don't like the girl that was involved but he loves her so I feel she should have been allowed to go to the funeral.
I don't know why this video makes me feel so emotional. The message is almost beautiful and the sentiment absolutely is. I much prefer the idea of caring for the bodies of people you love instead of just carting them away. I remember being able to brush my dog and arrange her in her grave when she was bitten by a snake a few years ago and it was such a relief to have that closure. I think understanding and accepting the reality of death is so important.
my momma didn't look Ike herself at all. she looked so fake, like a mannequin. they had her painted like a clown. I'm seriously not exaggerating. they put pink lipstick that was a shade duller than hot pink. they foundation was caked on and it was all flaky around her nose. her cheeks had bright pink circles of blush on her cheeks. I was furious. I made them take the make up off and do it with more natural colors. my sister and I fixed her hair. I painted her nails with a clear glossy coat of polish the way she loved her nails to be done. when we had her make up fixed she did look much better but still she looked like a wax mannequin. I miss my momma so much.
Saffron Lealle Same thing happened to me. My mom also was covered in pink lipstick, too much blush, and caked up crusty foundation. It really looked awful.
Thats soo sad these ppl should be trained better take a picture of the person and try to make it more like them..its never going to be 100% right but with the make up we have nowadays theres no need for it to look that bad, soo sorry
Saffron Lealle my grandma didn’t look like herself. It made me sad
Sorry for your experience and sorry for your loss. I have to say the funeral home that did my mom and dad did a wonderful job. God bless
I’m not sure if it’s 100% true but I watched a video about a mortician and she was doing a corpse’s makeup and she was saying how they have to use a special kind to make it look decent because normal makeup that you buy at the store reacts off of the heat of our skin so when you’re dead, it doesn’t look good because you’re cold.
When my friend's dad passed away recently, the whole family gathered and cared for his body in their home. Apparently, in our town, you only need a simple permit to bury a body in your backyard. The children (all grown) dug the grave and the family and friends were able to visit together at the family home with the deceased.
Rane dae is that in the states?
Kaneen [SDMF \m/ ] I'm curious too lol
Where are you from? :)
And if you want to sell the house, you leave them behind! But maybe no one wants to buy a house with a modern grave in their backyard.
Thats beautiful
This woman’s channel is straight up fascinating, and it totally changed my relationship with death. She’s so soothing somehow
Frfr!
My mother, who was the first of my childhood nuclear family to die, did so in the hospital when taken from life support in accordance with her wishes, with her family around her and my father holding her hand. My dad asked me to make sure her hair and makeup were right, and that she was dressed correctly, so I did that at the funeral home. I went with one of my aunts, one of Mom's sisters, and it was a difficult and enriching experience that sixteen years later I am still profoundly grateful I did. It enabled a level of closure I'm not sure I could have gotten had I not done it, and I still get great satisfaction knowing that I did absolutely everything within my power to make sure she got the send-off she wanted.
Next was my little brother, just last year. Lung cancer. It took about 18 months. I was with him for all his treatments and those last 18 months were good ones, we all made sure of it. He died at his home, and his daughter and son-in-law made sure he was clean and right before calling close family to say goodbye at home. It was infinitely satisfying to get to hold my brother one more time, and to watch my father get to hold him. Two weeks later we had a memorial he absolutely didn't want so that extended family and friends could say good-bye too, and we know we still have the drunken blow-out party he did want us to have yet to do - when we are ready.
Dad went this past January, six months and two weeks after my brother. Six years ago when he became disabled I moved him in with me. It was a good six years. When time was getting close we called in-home hospice so I'd have everything I needed to make his transition as comfortable as possible for him. We all knew it was coming and closer family visited during those days. I was holding his hand for his last breath. In his last lucid moments he heard and saw me look in his eyes and say "I'm so glad you are my dad, I love you so much." I spent all the time I needed with him, alone, to compose myself and then called close family to come before the funeral home. I cleaned him up and made sure he was wearing clothing that he loved. I made sure he went exactly as he wanted to go.
Now I have the cremains of my entire childhood family to dispose of. In fact I was preparing a solitary (well, with my cat) cross-country camping trip, something we did as a family my entire life, to hit the spots that were important to them to do said disposal before Covid-19 changed the world. Covid has my life on hold in more ways than one.
I am so sorry for all your loss! I think your cross country trip sounds like an amazing way to send off your family members. I pray this covid stuff will be stomped soon so you will be able to have this peaceful and safe closure.
@@Kaemea Thanks for your kind words, Kimberly. I doubt I'll get to make the trip now unless I come across some more money. I have tenants who have been in my house since last October who haven't paid a single penny of rent all year. Not one cent. I can't get them out because my state closed eviction courts until next year. All the money I had set aside to deal with my family's remains has gone to housing people who have two social security incomes and refuse to pay rent because they know I can't evict them.
So I have no idea how I will dispose of my family's remains now. I'll probably have to take them with me when the banks foreclose.
@@MizSuz OH this makes me so angry on your behalf. 😡 I wish there were some way you could recoup your losses without evicting them until the order is lifted.
In the meantime, look into green burials. Iirc, most of the green cemeteries will allow you to be buried with the cremaines. My parents will be cremated and I've talked to them about their final wishes afterward and they are considering having their remains buried with me. I know my cats will be as will my Husbunny who wishes to be cremated. Me, I'm happy with a shroud and fresh dirt as my final bed.
I'll be praying for you and your maddening situation. I hope you will be entitled to the monies you deserve!
Her dress has pockets!!!!
eShakti!
She is Betty Page 😆😇gorgeous!
konko99 I have a couple of dresses with pockets and it’s awesome, you don’t realize how much you miss pockets until you have none!
A lot of the dress sold by Modcloth have pockets.
The most important of things!
I never realised not having family members in the home wasnt a thing in America. Im a NZr. We keep our dead in the lounge for 3 days so people can come and say goodbye. At a tangi (maori funeral) the dead can stay up to a week at the marae (main meeting house). Everyone brings their bedding and family and friends all sleep around them, eat to together, sing together, cry together and tell stories together until the funeral. It's beautiful.
THIS is why the majority of people I call true friends are poly - Samoan or Tongan- such an amazing history and tradition is kept alive thru the elders and family is everything- so beautiful
My mother was on her deathbed last year and we knew for some time that the day of her passing would come eventually, but even so, it was still really hard. When we could tell that it was going to happen soon, everyone got to say their goodbyes to her. I'm very thankful for that, not many people get that luxury. I would visit her, but some days I just couldn't bare to walk into her room. It was just too hard, and I was scared. The evening before she died, I visited her for the last time. She looked deathly. I will never forget the way she looked. It will haunt me forever. All I could do was bawl and tell her I loved her and that I would always regret not visiting her more. I regret a lot. I wish I wasn't scared to be around my own mother. I wish I could redo my last visit with her, and my time with her in general. She had been diagnosed with Huntington's when I was 12 and I think it really affected mine and my sisters relationship with her. I never knew what to say to her or really got to know her besides as "mom". Like how she was growing up, or any crazy stories from her past. I just didn't know how to approach her at that age after something like that happened to her and the feeling just kind of stuck until my teen years. Not a day goes by where I don't wish that I could redo all that time. Our relationship could have been much different despite the side affects of the disease getting in the way. I'm writing this because if there's anyone out there that's going through this now, please take this advice: talk to them, every chance you can, like nothing is wrong. I know it can be hard to see through the tragic circumstance. I know it's really hard to see someone you love withering away but they are still here now and they are still in that body. You need to make good memories now. Don't be like me and let time slip away, you will regret it so much, and there's no turning back. Just talk about your day and what's going on in your life and ask them if they have any relatable stories or even talk about the weather, talk about anything. Ask them for advice. Or if they aren't able to talk back, just tell them news you've heard about and show them internet videos that are funny, look up some songs from their old days. But at the same time, it's okay to give yourself some time away. Just don't stay away for too long.
Jessica Marrs Jessica I really feel for you honey. You are living with an horrendous, crushing weight of guilt that is not of your making. At 12 years old, you were a child. It seems as if none of the 'grown-ups' talked with you, supported you and just wrapped you up in love, they just seemed to let you and your sister fend for yourselves. How on earth can a 12 year old child even begin to understand or cope with the beginnings of grieving an extremely ill Mother...? I sincerely believe your little heart was only trying to protect you from so much pain when you knew, each and every day the dread of loosing her for so long. I can only imagine what you and your sister went through. You really really need to somehow 'forgive' yourself (even though there's nothing to forgive yourself for) have you ever thought of speaking with a Counsellor perhaps? I pray that you will finally find inner peace...you have suffered enough. You have a childhood to regain! Carefree with laughter and giddy happiness! Your Mother is with you in Spirit, one day you shall meet again and she'll tell you off for all those years you have sadly felt this way. I wish you all the very best and that you may begin healing...sooner rather than later. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it! Best hugs xxx
We cared for our infant daughter and took her to her resting place in our own car. I agree, death is a part of life. Don't check out on someone's last moments and beyond.
Orpha Noctilusca, that's an incredibly awesome thing to do. I'm not sure why it never crossed my mind. It would be so easy to do with an infant. What wonderful people you must be. I'm sorry for your loss.
My grandpa was put on hospice care after struggling with comorbidities for several years. He was taken off of the breathing machine that prevented him from speaking to us and placed in a comfortable room where we could all stay. He had spent the previous two months in a state of constant delirium and discomfort, and when he realized recovery wasn't an option anymore, he made the choice to be put on hospice. He was medicated and he spent his last days surrounded by his family; he knew we were all there and we loved him. That night, his wife of 40+ years kissed him and said "goodnight I love you" and that's when he stopped breathing. He was declared and then we all stayed in the room together, with his body still there, talking and crying together for almost 2 hours. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all by being around his corpse, mostly because seeing him struggle to breathe and lose all the life in him piece by piece was worse. I think thats when I realized that it's not being dead I'm afraid of, it's dying.
I love your quote at the end. I left my career for a lesser paying job, because I felt I was the only one showing respect. When you feel it, you know it's your calling. My grandmother and my mother were both given funerals at a funeral home. My mother was friends with everyone who worked there. I don't live in a small town, but my mom worked for a church, plus it was down the street my entire life. She made sure my grandmother was taken care of. Just 4 months later, she unexpectedly died. I got a phone call from Katie, crying on the other end just to let me know she had received my mom''s body,she was safe, and she was going to take care of her. The comfort of knowing that my grandmother and mother were in familiar hands is irreplaceable. I can't imagine going to a stranger.
I love Caitlyn's perspective on death, and her channel here on TH-cam is great. To anyone who has any questions on death I highly recommend her channel, Ask a mortician.