7 signs: 1. Say yes when you mean to say no- people pleasing 2. Always feeling overwhelmed- stressed exhausted 3. Taking responsibility for other's feelings- even attempting to fix it (empaths struggle here) 4. Constant complaining about the same person 5. Isolate yourself- not for self care, but avoiding life 6. Feeling small/powerless, concede 7. Feeling angry & going burst If you've experienced trauma/abuse or had a gaudarian/ caregiver that modeled any of the above are much more likely boundary confusion. Here's to better boundaries! (You deserve it!)
So this is why I feel angry most of the time. I had a hard time dealing with small issues since I am the youngest in the family yet I carry most of the responsibilities and I almost never got appreciated or feel it. Thank you Julia. Although I have no way to do therapy and feel better, your videos and words alone make me realize and self aware of what is happening to me.
Hi Julia! Senior Shifter Chris is here! I know I can benefit from having better boundaries with family relationships. I don’t think I have a boundary when it comes to doing too much on a to-do list, I think I need to do more actually, which means, I still must do less of something else - so that’s where I need to place my boundary. 😉 Boundaries help build a foundation of confidence, of peace, self-assurance, better relationships with others, and with ourselves. Boundaries can help with overwhelm, stress, anxiety, depression, and relationship struggles. • Make yourself a priority too. "Boundaries are the space in between which I can love me and you simultaneously." 7 Signs: 1. You say "Yes" when you really mean "No": • You may feel overwhelmed. • You may have a resentment problem. • You may have a "Feeling of taken advantage" problem.
2. Always feel overwhelmed: • Rushing on things though the next thing. • Trying to get through it all • You may be exhausted. • You may be stressed. • Never taking care of yourself.
3. Taking responsibility for other people's feelings: • You may feel stressed or upset if others feel the same. • You may also feel the need to fix other's feelings. (In the absences of something you actually did due to another person)
4. If you find yourself complaining about the same person a lot: • If you always complain about your boss because they don't let you have time off and call you at all hours of the night or email you things at the 11th hour. • If you complain about your sister who always wants to borrow money from you or wants you to help out with her kids and doesn't help you out. • Parents always ask you for favors.
5. You isolate yourself: • Not going out. • You don't want to get out because you're afraid of being hurt or taken advantage of. • Someone might ask you of something that you don't want to do. 6. You often feel small or powerless: • You back down to let the other person be right. • You let others do all the decision making.
7. You often feel angry and about to burst: • You are close to losing your mind. • Feel powerless • Helpless • Trapped • Stuck • Overwhelm • Out of control • Feeling crushed by the weight of everything and everyone. Why do we struggle with boundaries? • There has been an attachment injury somewhere in your life: • In a young age, you didn't feel safe • You didn't feel cared for • You felt like you had to deny yourself and be someone that you weren't in order to feel loved by others. • You weren't taught to have boundaries. • If there was trauma or abuse: • Trauma and abuse are clear boundary violations. • May not be clear if it is with a child and didn't know that was not okay. • If huge boundary violations have been done, at some point, chances are there is a lot of boundary confusion because they have been violated in such an extreme way. • Modeling: • We had parents who didn't have boundaries. • Parents who felt stressed and overwhelmed • Parents did things for people but then talked bad about them behind their back. That was what was modeled on us and that is what we took on.
Many times people get upset when you say no however, so it's not just about us not letting them know our boundaries as they can't know how we feel, in that case they would simply respect it when we did let them know by setting the boundary. I've gotten much better at setting them, but I can also see adverse effects of it on my relationships. People expect you to sacrifice yourself to some degree for them, and take it personally when you don't. I'm sure this has to do with the fact that like us, other people also may have learned an upside down way of how relationships should work, and not how to make them work in a healthy way - where boundaries come in. I still want a video from you exploring this topic deeper, not just in a sense of how we personally can work on boundaries, but in the bigger scope of society how do we manage the overall lack of boundary acceptance and understanding. For now I am just tolerating the losses to my social credit as the alternative (not having boundaries) is not OK for me. Ideally people would share the sentiment that boundaries are healthy, but I'm not sure most even know they're a thing.
I tend to think it would be much better if schools teach kids how to set boundaries, starting with the idea that saying yes and no are valid answers. I emailed my local school board and my representatives to have emotional intelligence be taught in schools last year. We can do something that will help make boundaries a thing of mainstream society.
Hi Julia! New Shifter here 😊 (Really excited!) I started saying no when I need to and it is hard but freeing! Now trying to tackle not taking on other’s emotions. It feels really challenging because I grew up in an authoritarian/enmeshed household. Truly appreciate your reminders to identify what didn’t work in my upbringing BUT take responsibility for my thoughts/actions in the present. I share your videos with my own clients a lot. This is going to be one I share!
So good to have you here Natalie - and welcome to officially being a Shifter! Glad you found this talk helpful - and I see you were at the Family of Origin workshop as well 😉
My issue from childhood that affects me now is I don’t want to hurt anyone. It hurts me to see others hurt or struggle when I can help. Conversely, I feel tremendous fear standing up for myself as it always leads to abuse in some form or another such as gaslighting, demeaning, ignoring, threats, etc. I suffered tremendous physical, emotional, mental abuse as a child. I ran a successful company and invested in coaching that has healed much but these two issues remain. As I implemented boundaries today I lost many family and friends. I expected it but it still hurts to see the truth of how much I’ve been used and neglected.
This has been very helpful for me. My family sounds alot like yours. And i suffered from not having any boundaries until i was about 28. Only now am I learning that having boundaries in my relationship with my gf is healthy. I used to do anything she asked, or go anywhere she wanted, even if i didn't want to because i was afraid of hurting her. But i didnt realize how much that was hurting me. I used to have an issue with her saying we'd be staying at her parents house "for the night" only for her to tack on more days each night. She even made me miss a few job interviews , and then tell me she's "bot worried about it right now." Made me feel like my time, or what i wanted to do with my life didnt matter. This video allowed me to set boundaries about those issues, and i didnt even know i was "allowed" too express these things without feeling i was being selfish, or trying to control her. Thank you so much.
I feel that with my coworkers and also with my boss. When they are angry or are in a bad mood I always think i've done something wrong. I usually walk in egg shells. I always think what did I do wrong? Did I said something wrong?
Many people (myself included) do not understand Malignant Narcissism or the need to protect yourself from toxic people. I only saw the best in people for so many years and made excuses for others' bad behavior. I wish that I'd learned that there is no changing most toxic individuals. You need to walk away and let go. It's very hard to do.
Wow so much truth here, I had Narcissist around me for fat to many years and found out after 19 years realized you Can't help those who don't want to help themselves. It's hard for sure. I think harder to let go when it's your own parents
My problem is I don't have any non virtual friends so when someone actually speaks to me in a pleasant tone, I say yes. A one time thing, I get but then since I so easily agreed to the favor they assume that I owe them the favor going forward.
@@juliakristinamah For me? Slow down in my interactions with others, this will afford me the opportunity to hear them which helps build credibility in my response
Hi Juila, I find your videos very helpful. I come from a family where my dad is a narrasitist and haven't talked to my parents since 2021 cause my mom wouldn't protect me. Im still feeling guilty not talking to my mom but trying to let that go. I tried setting boundaries which was violated, so having trouble letting go and being ok that myself and kids are safer without them in our lives. Anyways thank you for your helpful videos
it's hard to not feel guilty even when we know all we are doing is protecting ourselves. I think it is a deep rooted feeling telling us not to go against our parents.
@@Dezzyyx I feel your right about that. They may be blood but have proven blood is Not thicker then water. We had a friend who we adopted and he adopted us, to us he was grandpa and truly treated us as his blood family. We moved away for 9 months out of state and when his health went down we came back to surprise him and he asked if we'd move back for him, we were moved back within a week and got to spend his last year on this earth with him, he passed this year a month shy of 98. He was truly our family. Thank you for taking the time to comment, can't tell you how much I appreciate it
Thanks for sharing this Jolene. There is something particularly painful about not being able to have healthy relationships with our parents - I see you. DIstance can often be necessary - Hopefully not permanently, but sometimes it is necessary if the one doing the harm will not change.
@@juliakristinamah Thank you for taking the time to respond, it is hard and I tried no contact for first 3 months then a year with lots of praying and tried once more and even when I tried the white flag and admiting I've done wrong in the past we all have and asked if we could start fresh my dad started pointing fingers and saying I was being contradictory so cut all ties since July of 21 cause my dad would get on my moms phone to talk down to me more so feel he won't change and she didnt protect me from him. I don't hold any grudges against them even though they weren't there for me growing up emotionally but they didn't have that growing up so im trying to just let it go and focus on the few who are encouraging in our lives
Shifter here. Thank you Julia for this video! its a great one about boundaries. I thought my boundaries were pretty good but some signs in my life are pointing that I need to work on them more.
I have come a long way but this is an issue I think I will be working on for the rest of my life. I always need to do better for myself. Certain types of self assertion will never feel comfortable but sometimes I push on because I don't want to be paralyzed in speaking out
I used to struggle with boundary issues relating to overwhelm and burnout. The ones I want to focus on are on getting enmeshed when my family members are not in a good mood. I am empathetic and I get uncomfortable when someone in my family is feeling down, angry or depressed. Another big reason why we don't set boundaries is because we were never taught about boundaries, especially in school. I hope as we move forward, boundaries will be taught to mainstream society.
Hello Shift society hello from the bar at EDs Hope you leave time for the plants on the seat and say hi to Lisa and the kids, hope you can try roasted pumpkin seeds this season
I always adapt to the wishes of friends (for example where we want to eat) but within my family I am the opposite and try too much to get my thinks my way
Respecting boundaries is my goal at the moment, when my partner needs to go to bed I wake him up to cuddle and I don’t even think about how I’m gonna affect his sleep. I care about him. I want to be more considerate, for him to get his full 8 hours. I want to be more conscious in those moments and self soothe rather than fill that desire to be held. Any advice on how to be more mindful in those moments or practices to do in those moments for self awareness?
There is a woman who I only know by acquaintance bc she's a friend of my mom's. We had to move back from MO. bc my mom had a stroke and I'm the only one of her children she can count on. So this woman has been acting as if we're besties and she just shows up at our house whenever she comes to see mom at the nursing home. She stays for at least 2 hours each time. So we started being "gone " when she comes to town, she became angry. I know she's someone I will have to deal with in the future, so I'm trying not to alienate her, but we have pretty much nothing in common with her and we certainly don't have 2 hrs out of our very busy weekend to chat. I've told her how busy we are and the response I got was, well, I just need to come see you. I was speechless. Any advice would be appreciated
I have let my parents break my boundaries my whole adult life. Me thinking it was the right thing to do because they are older and wiser, boy was I wrong! Today I'm in a 🌎 of hurt, sadness, regret, no confidence, I'm sick of it!
Hello you heart centred humans! Great to have you here. What was one of your takeaways from this talk?
7 signs:
1. Say yes when you mean to say no- people pleasing
2. Always feeling overwhelmed- stressed exhausted
3. Taking responsibility for other's feelings- even attempting to fix it (empaths struggle here)
4. Constant complaining about the same person
5. Isolate yourself- not for self care, but avoiding life
6. Feeling small/powerless, concede
7. Feeling angry & going burst
If you've experienced trauma/abuse or had a gaudarian/ caregiver that modeled any of the above are much more likely boundary confusion.
Here's to better boundaries! (You deserve it!)
Thanks for this. What was one of your takeaways from this talk?
@@juliakristinamah to pick one is a challenge. My top would be constantly complaining about the same person; did this so much growing up.
I’m not devoid of empathy Julia, but I can be pushed to my breaking point.
So this is why I feel angry most of the time. I had a hard time dealing with small issues since I am the youngest in the family yet I carry most of the responsibilities and I almost never got appreciated or feel it. Thank you Julia. Although I have no way to do therapy and feel better, your videos and words alone make me realize and self aware of what is happening to me.
Hi Julia! Senior Shifter Chris is here!
I know I can benefit from having better boundaries with family relationships. I don’t think I have a boundary when it comes to doing too much on a to-do list, I think I need to do more actually, which means, I still must do less of something else - so that’s where I need to place my boundary. 😉
Boundaries help build a foundation of confidence, of peace, self-assurance, better relationships with others, and with ourselves.
Boundaries can help with overwhelm, stress, anxiety, depression, and relationship struggles.
• Make yourself a priority too.
"Boundaries are the space in between which I can love me and you simultaneously."
7 Signs:
1. You say "Yes" when you really mean "No":
• You may feel overwhelmed.
• You may have a resentment problem.
• You may have a "Feeling of taken advantage" problem.
2. Always feel overwhelmed:
• Rushing on things though the next thing.
• Trying to get through it all
• You may be exhausted.
• You may be stressed.
• Never taking care of yourself.
3. Taking responsibility for other people's feelings:
• You may feel stressed or upset if others feel the same.
• You may also feel the need to fix other's feelings. (In the absences of something you actually did due to another person)
4. If you find yourself complaining about the same person a lot:
• If you always complain about your boss because they don't let you have time off and call you at all hours of the night or email you things at the 11th hour.
• If you complain about your sister who always wants to borrow money from you or wants you to help out with her kids and doesn't help you out.
• Parents always ask you for favors.
5. You isolate yourself:
• Not going out.
• You don't want to get out because you're afraid of being hurt or taken advantage of.
• Someone might ask you of something that you don't want to do.
6. You often feel small or powerless:
• You back down to let the other person be right.
• You let others do all the decision making.
7. You often feel angry and about to burst:
• You are close to losing your mind.
• Feel powerless
• Helpless
• Trapped
• Stuck
• Overwhelm
• Out of control
• Feeling crushed by the weight of everything and everyone.
Why do we struggle with boundaries?
• There has been an attachment injury somewhere in your life:
• In a young age, you didn't feel safe
• You didn't feel cared for
• You felt like you had to deny yourself and be someone that you weren't in order to feel loved by others.
• You weren't taught to have boundaries.
• If there was trauma or abuse:
• Trauma and abuse are clear boundary violations.
• May not be clear if it is with a child and didn't know that was not okay.
• If huge boundary violations have been done, at some point, chances are there is a lot of boundary confusion because they have been violated in such an extreme way.
• Modeling:
• We had parents who didn't have boundaries.
• Parents who felt stressed and overwhelmed
• Parents did things for people but then talked bad about them behind their back.
That was what was modeled on us and that is what we took on.
Many times people get upset when you say no however, so it's not just about us not letting them know our boundaries as they can't know how we feel, in that case they would simply respect it when we did let them know by setting the boundary. I've gotten much better at setting them, but I can also see adverse effects of it on my relationships. People expect you to sacrifice yourself to some degree for them, and take it personally when you don't. I'm sure this has to do with the fact that like us, other people also may have learned an upside down way of how relationships should work, and not how to make them work in a healthy way - where boundaries come in.
I still want a video from you exploring this topic deeper, not just in a sense of how we personally can work on boundaries, but in the bigger scope of society how do we manage the overall lack of boundary acceptance and understanding. For now I am just tolerating the losses to my social credit as the alternative (not having boundaries) is not OK for me. Ideally people would share the sentiment that boundaries are healthy, but I'm not sure most even know they're a thing.
This needs to be pinned.
I tend to think it would be much better if schools teach kids how to set boundaries, starting with the idea that saying yes and no are valid answers. I emailed my local school board and my representatives to have emotional intelligence be taught in schools last year. We can do something that will help make boundaries a thing of mainstream society.
Hi Julia! New Shifter here 😊 (Really excited!) I started saying no when I need to and it is hard but freeing! Now trying to tackle not taking on other’s emotions. It feels really challenging because I grew up in an authoritarian/enmeshed household. Truly appreciate your reminders to identify what didn’t work in my upbringing BUT take responsibility for my thoughts/actions in the present. I share your videos with my own clients a lot. This is going to be one I share!
Welcome Natalie! We are glad you joined our community! =)
So good to have you here Natalie - and welcome to officially being a Shifter!
Glad you found this talk helpful - and I see you were at the Family of Origin workshop as well 😉
Thank you for the warm welcome!
Yep! It was a great workshop. Lots to process 💛❤️🩹
My issue from childhood that affects me now is I don’t want to hurt anyone. It hurts me to see others hurt or struggle when I can help.
Conversely, I feel tremendous fear standing up for myself as it always leads to abuse in some form or another such as gaslighting, demeaning, ignoring, threats, etc. I suffered tremendous physical, emotional, mental abuse as a child. I ran a successful company and invested in coaching that has healed much but these two issues remain. As I implemented boundaries today I lost many family and friends. I expected it but it still hurts to see the truth of how much I’ve been used and neglected.
This has been very helpful for me. My family sounds alot like yours. And i suffered from not having any boundaries until i was about 28. Only now am I learning that having boundaries in my relationship with my gf is healthy.
I used to do anything she asked, or go anywhere she wanted, even if i didn't want to because i was afraid of hurting her. But i didnt realize how much that was hurting me. I used to have an issue with her saying we'd be staying at her parents house "for the night" only for her to tack on more days each night. She even made me miss a few job interviews , and then tell me she's "bot worried about it right now."
Made me feel like my time, or what i wanted to do with my life didnt matter.
This video allowed me to set boundaries about those issues, and i didnt even know i was "allowed" too express these things without feeling i was being selfish, or trying to control her.
Thank you so much.
🙏🏾, You spoke to my heart. Thank you for all you do.
Glad this one connected. Which part helped the most?
I feel that with my coworkers and also with my boss. When they are angry or are in a bad mood I always think i've done something wrong. I usually walk in egg shells. I always think what did I do wrong? Did I said something wrong?
Any evidence to suggest you did say or do something wrong?
Many people (myself included) do not understand Malignant Narcissism or the need to protect yourself from toxic people.
I only saw the best in people for so many years and made excuses for others' bad behavior. I wish that I'd learned that there is no changing most toxic individuals. You need to walk away and let go. It's very hard to do.
Wow so much truth here, I had Narcissist around me for fat to many years and found out after 19 years realized you Can't help those who don't want to help themselves. It's hard for sure. I think harder to let go when it's your own parents
yes, definitely @@jolenemeverden6603
My problem is I don't have any non virtual friends so when someone actually speaks to me in a pleasant tone, I say yes. A one time thing, I get but then since I so easily agreed to the favor they assume that I owe them the favor going forward.
How do you want things to be different?
@@juliakristinamah For me? Slow down in my interactions with others, this will afford me the opportunity to hear them which helps build credibility in my response
Hi Juila, I find your videos very helpful. I come from a family where my dad is a narrasitist and haven't talked to my parents since 2021 cause my mom wouldn't protect me. Im still feeling guilty not talking to my mom but trying to let that go. I tried setting boundaries which was violated, so having trouble letting go and being ok that myself and kids are safer without them in our lives. Anyways thank you for your helpful videos
it's hard to not feel guilty even when we know all we are doing is protecting ourselves. I think it is a deep rooted feeling telling us not to go against our parents.
@@Dezzyyx I feel your right about that. They may be blood but have proven blood is Not thicker then water. We had a friend who we adopted and he adopted us, to us he was grandpa and truly treated us as his blood family. We moved away for 9 months out of state and when his health went down we came back to surprise him and he asked if we'd move back for him, we were moved back within a week and got to spend his last year on this earth with him, he passed this year a month shy of 98. He was truly our family.
Thank you for taking the time to comment, can't tell you how much I appreciate it
Thanks for sharing this Jolene. There is something particularly painful about not being able to have healthy relationships with our parents - I see you.
DIstance can often be necessary - Hopefully not permanently, but sometimes it is necessary if the one doing the harm will not change.
@@juliakristinamah Thank you for taking the time to respond, it is hard and I tried no contact for first 3 months then a year with lots of praying and tried once more and even when I tried the white flag and admiting I've done wrong in the past we all have and asked if we could start fresh my dad started pointing fingers and saying I was being contradictory so cut all ties since July of 21 cause my dad would get on my moms phone to talk down to me more so feel he won't change and she didnt protect me from him. I don't hold any grudges against them even though they weren't there for me growing up emotionally but they didn't have that growing up so im trying to just let it go and focus on the few who are encouraging in our lives
Shifter here. Thank you Julia for this video! its a great one about boundaries. I thought my boundaries were pretty good but some signs in my life are pointing that I need to work on them more.
Glad you're here Marek and that you found this one helpful.
@@juliakristinamah Thank you!
I have come a long way but this is an issue I think I will be working on for the rest of my life. I always need to do better for myself. Certain types of self assertion will never feel comfortable but sometimes I push on because I don't want to be paralyzed in speaking out
I used to struggle with boundary issues relating to overwhelm and burnout. The ones I want to focus on are on getting enmeshed when my family members are not in a good mood. I am empathetic and I get uncomfortable when someone in my family is feeling down, angry or depressed. Another big reason why we don't set boundaries is because we were never taught about boundaries, especially in school. I hope as we move forward, boundaries will be taught to mainstream society.
We all need boundaries.
We all have our limits.
We all have a breaking point.
Hello Shift society hello from the bar at EDs
Hope you leave time for the plants on the seat and say hi to Lisa and the kids, hope you can try roasted pumpkin seeds this season
Love your content
Thank you! Please keep it up!
Jesus! You are so spot on! You said everything that I feel or went through!
Glad it connected.
How's it going with those boundaries now?
@@juliakristinamah thank you 😊. Bad boundaries unfortunately. I just can't seem to put my boundaries. I don't know how to do it.
I always adapt to the wishes of friends (for example where we want to eat) but within my family I am the opposite and try too much to get my thinks my way
Thank you for this certain talk, Julia. I am someone who needs to work on their boundaries.
Thanks for watching - and really glad you found it helpful. What do you plan to do first in working on those boundaries?
Thank you! 😊
You're welcome Bruce - thanks for being here.
Respecting boundaries is my goal at the moment, when my partner needs to go to bed I wake him up to cuddle and I don’t even think about how I’m gonna affect his sleep. I care about him. I want to be more considerate, for him to get his full 8 hours. I want to be more conscious in those moments and self soothe rather than fill that desire to be held. Any advice on how to be more mindful in those moments or practices to do in those moments for self awareness?
I suffer with boundaries and i want to learn how to set boundaries and values
I have said yes when I really mean no Julia.
I can definitely identify with the anger you're referring to
Hello! Donna from. Northern VT!
Hello Donna!!
Ty
Thanks misses
There is a woman who I only know by acquaintance bc she's a friend of my mom's. We had to move back from MO. bc my mom had a stroke and I'm the only one of her children she can count on. So this woman has been acting as if we're besties and she just shows up at our house whenever she comes to see mom at the nursing home. She stays for at least 2 hours each time. So we started being "gone " when she comes to town, she became angry. I know she's someone I will have to deal with in the future, so I'm trying not to alienate her, but we have pretty much nothing in common with her and we certainly don't have 2 hrs out of our very busy weekend to chat. I've told her how busy we are and the response I got was, well, I just need to come see you. I was speechless. Any advice would be appreciated
I have let my parents break my boundaries my whole adult life. Me thinking it was the right thing to do because they are older and wiser, boy was I wrong!
Today I'm in a 🌎 of hurt, sadness, regret, no confidence, I'm sick of it!
I feel like God himself is giving these valuable informations for me through your voice ❤
I always run I to insistent people which is my problem
In a perfect world, how would you like to calmly and confidently handle their insistence?
Hello❤❤
I identify with your upbringing. No longer third class citizen
it's like I always say, this ass is first class
yesss!
I took responsibility for my ex-friend Becky Keena’s feelings Julia even when I didn’t do anything wrong.
I felt like I had to be Becky Keena’s Mr.Fix It Julia.
🥇
👍👂
We all get angry Julia.
✅✅✅✅✅✅✅😅
I felt angry and that I was about to burst with my ex-friend Becky Keena Julia.