How to Stop Feeling Inferior: Set Good Boundaries pt. 6
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 23 ธ.ค. 2024
- You have thoughts, you have ideas, you have opinions, you have perspectives and you have preferences. Of course you do, everyone does. But where you're going to need boundaries around them is when somebody comes in and tries to violate or make you feel inferior for yours. These are called intellectual boundaries. You need these boundaries because without them others may continue to try and belittle you or make you feel small, or be condescending simply for having a perspective or an understanding that is different than theirs.
How to Deal with Condescending People? What does an intellectual boundary violations look like? And how do you set them? We're cover all of this in this talk.
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Julia Kristina, MA, is a speaker, teacher, master therapist and mental wealth coach who helps smart, highly sensitive, heart centred humans get past anxiety, stress, and self-doubt so they can have better: Better relationships, a better life and feel better about themselves.
Through her membership program, The Shift Society, she helps people identify their deep rooted thoughts and beliefs that are keeping them stuck and struggling, and then teaches them how to take charge of their minds and emotions so they can thrive in all areas of their lives.
Julia’s expertise has been featured in Inc magazine, Psych Central, Mind Body Green and numerous other publications, podcasts and television outlets. She has also given talks in front of audiences of hundreds on stages across North America. Videos on her TH-cam channel have been watched more than 15 million times and she has built a community of over 375,000 people across social media platforms. When she’s not helping her clients and students increase their emotional intelligence and mental strength, she’s out on some kind of adventure with her three children in Vancouver, Canada.
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Some conversations I feel uncomfortable having, I literally walk away. Thank you Julia.
You're welcome. And yes, that is always your prerogative.
Julia, you are changing everyones lives for the better!! You are an inspiration to many❤❤ thank you for everything you do!!
Happy Thursday friend!!
Grateful to have you here. And I see you doing the work.
Thank you for this video Julia! Social media comment sections are notorious in terms of being civil. Because we can hide ourselves behind a screen name and cannot see the other person face to face, we don't feel the need to treat someone like a human being who deserves basic respect. This needs to change. Let's promote peace 😎😎✌️✌️☮️☮️
Julia, you are teaching me what I didn’t learn from my parents. My mother is one who can destroy intellectual boundaries if she doesn’t agree. I could say the sky is blue, but if she says it’s green, there’s no reasoning with her. Thank you for teaching me how to agree to disagree respectfully. ♥️
Ive been held hostage before and have also held ohers hostage to fueled conversations that go nowhere. This was a good reminder of how to better navigate these situations. Thank-you
You're welcome Karen. I see you developing your awareness and emotional intelligence. Good for you for doing the work.
Sincere curiosity--- more helpful than casual curiosity. It is good to understand the difference.
Amen.
Do you all struggle with responding in the moment to conversations where people are saying things that feel disrespectful, condescending, like they’re not willing to back down from their POV, or generally antagonistic? Sometimes in those moments, I feel myself getting overwhelmed and in my own head and having a difficult time trying to find the right words. Historically, I’ve ended up fawning or not standing up for myself 😔 usually, it’s not until after the fact when I’ve had time to think about it that I recognize everything I didn’t like about the situation and how I felt and how I wish I had responded. How do you all overcome this?
It's okay to walk away without a response. If they're only looking for a fight or making themselves feel superior, you're usually wasting your valuable time with them. You may feel bad because of the comments they made, but think about: why put any value on comments by someone who is clearly an a****le. "Hurt people hurt people" also helps me personally after similar situations you describe. Sounds like you're too good to be making witty comebacks. Maybe one day you find words in those situations before you walk away.
Thank you... I needed this.
This starts with me, respecting others point of view and opinions before I can set my own boundaries with credibility. That's my big take away, credibility. When I change my behavior I will have the confidence from my own perceived credibility to set boundaries with others when needed.😊
Thanks for sharing that. Way to own what's yours.
Great video! As for logic/emotion we often think in concepts of black and white, this or that, better or worse. There is no such thing with logic/emotion. Why? they're two sides of the same coin, as the sun and moon, night and day. They rely on each other, for balance. Learn to use both effectively and you'll be making the best decisions you can, utilizing all your resources. After all, you have both for a reason. If we were meant to rely on one, or one was in fact superior, both wouldn't exist.
That's why you see people who are too logical or too emotional will have problems when they encounter the one their not good at, they aren't in balance and not able to operate at full capacity. So when people discuss logic vs emotion, sure you can have an intellectual or analytical discussion around it if you want, for me I say I see no need to separate or choose. I integrate both and use both in any given situation, sometimes maybe leaning more toward one, but still both are checked in with. How do I think about this, how do I feel about it? As opposed to disregarding my feelings by telling myself to be rational, as if my feelings have no say or importance. Or vice versa. Peace
Beautiful expression of this topic - and I couldn't agree more.
Thank you been belittle and shamed and look down all my life so hard to set boundaries of fear for conflict and shund out .thank you for am learning .need more confident.
Thanks so much for the awesome and uplifting video Julia !
Why do you feel inferior? Spiritual growth is a lifetime pleasure once you understand yourself better each day.
Start with 100 and divide your age by this value--- it will be like an odometer for growth.
My '89 Volvo had 247000 miles. It got me a long way on my journey. ♥
Putting someone down in order to prop up your own ego is what insecure children do, especially if they do it in front of other people.
This is one of the practices that "adult" guys in the PUA community do and teach in their workshops.
BTW, I like your use of B&W for your videos. It is more effective, I find.
Without emotions we are just robots. It is recommended to integrate emotions into your identity, but do not make decisions based solely on these.
the black and white is great, good to see someone else appreciate it
Thank you! @@Dezzyyx
I needed to hear this, I’m dealing with a lot of conflict with a client. Thanks for posting, this is a keeper!
Hey, Julia! Your videos have been really helpful for my mental health these past few weeks. Thanks a lot!
You're so welcome. Glad you're here.
Julia, I've just come across your channel. You have amazing content and a practical way of teaching. Thank you, I think this channel is right up my alley.. subscribed! 😊
Thank you Julia, this made a lot of discomfort in my relationship very clear and I will practice to recognise this kind of behaviour quicker, and to set boundaries clearer. I love your work, you‘re simply the best for me. 😊
Wonderful news. I'm really glad we have that like-hearted connection.
I enjoy cuddling with my stuffed animals as a young adult. Many find it weird and silly but I do it because I feel lonely and just want company. I wish people in general would get curious as to why I cuddle with stuffed animal than to judge me for what they see at first glance. Either way, if someone were to make a discouraging or hurtful comment regarding me and my stuffed animals, I will ask that person to have respect for what I do and if they do not, I will change the conversation or walk away.
You are my role model, thank you for being beautiful angle, you saved my life tonight
I got so much out of this. Thank you, sincerely.
you are truly welcome. Glad you're here Christopher.
This is so good! I had a friend whose husband would make roundabout insults to people who didn't agree with his opinions and politics, including me. He would laugh, belittle and turn red and angry when I challenged him in the smallest ways, even just countering with a thought provoking question. The insults were "libtards" and "vaccine a**holes" but not directly to me. I tolerated him because I enjoyed my friend's company, however it's no longer worth it to me. We're just on different levels and I wish her the best. This video is just confirmation for me because I decided recently to move on from that friendship.
Thanks a lot ❤
You're so welcome. Glad you're here.
Julia for U.S. President! 😅🎉🎉❤
@Millianar I know 😉🤣
@Millianar wow really? Yeah I think our government might find benefit from these videos 😊
@Millianar do you want to run for US presidency? We need some help 😭🤣🤣
@Millianar Yeah you are! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Julia for Prime Minister of Canada!
I have a bad situation at work. A clique of coworkers deliberately tries to hurt me by sabotaging my work and doing some other mind games frequently.
It makes me really uncomfortable.
How can I get through this?
Thanks so much!
Hi look up the wizard with words , he gives ways to stand your ground and silence nasty people , in conversations , he is very good. He’s called Dan Connor training ,
@@christinebeames712 thank you so much ❤️🔥
@christinebeames712 that is something I would like to learn is how to silence someone who is being nasty or sarcastic to me.
Sounds like you have really good conversations. I’d love to hear what you think. It’s really, really common for me to not be able to speak my mind because I know that certain opinions are held ridiculous within certain groups. But what if I have really strange opinions that no one agrees with? Should I really speak up and set those boundaries? Is it even worth it, that anyone ever know those thoughts or opinions? It kind of feels like a chore, honestly, to have to explain everything to someone. I should be paid to take that kind of a risk.
I feel you. I try to be content. I speak up if I need to set a boundary but I don't share too many opinions when I know people won't get it. I get tired of explaining views foreign to them, and they never understand anyway because they're very different from me and hold very different views. Maybe at some point it's better to realize we're different, respect that, and just keep to our own.
There's no should or shouldn'ts here. You can if you want, but if you don't want to, you don't have to. Look at your reasons for each decision and decide which reasons you like best.
What if the person doesn't think they are violating your boundaries or making you feel inferior. Or they think that your feelings are wrong or your not thinking of things right. Then it makes me think that I am wrong for what I am thinking and I get confused of what I am feeling. Like they are manipulating my feelings.
I think you should ask yourself, "what made me think this person is making me feel like I am wrong?" Are you assuming you are being manipulated or did this person said things out loud you find hurtful? If they said something hurtful, you can have a conversation regarding how you feel with this person. If they genuinely didn't know better, they would apologize, admit they didn't know better and agree not to violate your boundaries.
"I have thoughts, I have ideas, i have.. and they all amount to nothing.." lol just a thought ive been dealig with, solving a puzzle with changing pieces made of smoke. The situation is the narc caused the feeling of lack, you dont really need to fill a hole thats not there right, and thats why there seems to be no solution around your environment. Because God always provides multiple resources and tools to fix our problems..🥰 would really love feedback on this... ty
This video is STRONG!
I will never dare to argue with you😎
Thanks JK
I'm not a big arguer, but I'm always up for a good and lively conversation 😉
I believe it!
You have an incredible ability to be serious and
assertive@@juliakristinamah
Thank you Very Good information. Curious what if.... adult children cut off relationship because of your spiritual and political beliefs?
Hi Julia! Senior Shifter Chris is here! What a GREAT and important topic. Good job on this video!
When you shared about the discussion between you and your husband, I kept thinking you were the Captain Kirk of the conversation and he was Spock. (Both are compliments!) haha
My take away is I love that last phrase, "Respect respect, and be worthy of that respect by also giving respect. " What a great little golden rule to live by. =)
Here are my notes:
Don't Let Them Make You Feel Inferior: Boundaries pt. 6
* Intellectual boundary violations:
• People who ridicule, criticize or make fun of you.
"That's dumb."
"What are you thinking?"
"Who thinks like that?"
"What's wrong with you"
"Obviously, you don't know what you're talking about."
• We NEED to have RESPECT for other people's ideas even if we don't agree.
• If you don't agree with someone, GET CURIOUS.
• Look DEEPER
• Try to UNDERSTAND the bigger context.
• People are HARD to HATE up close.
• Having differences and having space for others' differences and CREATING UNDERSTANDING doesn't mean we have to agree with them.
• We CAN have CHALLANGING conversations.
• We DON'T have to PUT SOMEONE down to BOOST ourselves up.
• One relationship destroyer is CONTEMPT (Mock, Condescending, name calling, roll eyes, ridicule..etc...) Looking down at someone and make them feel shame.
• If someone is treating you like that, you can say:
"Hey, I don't like the tone you are using with me.
"That's not okay with me"
"When you have an idea or a perspective that is different than mine, please be respectful of that"
"You can have strong emotions about that, but you don't have to be rude or aggressive or shame me about it"
"If you continue to speak to me this way, then I will remove myself from the conversation."
• Be KIND and CLEAR in your communication.
• Explain when is the appropriate place or time or company when discussing things.
• "I respect that we have different ideas about this, different opinions about this, different perspectives on this and I hope you can respect that too."
• You are allowed to tell someone what topics you choose to discuss and what not to discuss.
When topics are INHERENTLY HARMFUL such as:
• Racism
• Sexism
• Homophobia
• Xenophobia
• Transphobia
• You can be STRICT and let people know, you are NOT AVAILABLE for that kind of talk. You can still engage if you want to try to understand why this person has these thoughts, but if not possible, you can leave or ask them to leave.
• You have a RIGHT to always feel SAFE mentally, emotionally, and physically.
• You have a RIGHT to draw the line.
Respect respect, and be worthy of that respect by also giving respect.
Oh cool! When I copied and pasted my notes here, it kept most of the format! (Just didn't add bold or italics) but I no longer have to go back and edit to make it look organized. ha-ha
Amazing Chris. Thanks as always for the hard work you put into these notes.
@@juliakristinamah You're very welcome. 😀
Hello all ❤
24:17, speak up no, it's too much tiring, FLEE! Flee is too much better
A lot of these people just want project on you. Want you to react (Energy vampires ?) When people are aggro and want to argue just say;I am not going there/You wanna go there? Fogging tactics can be helpful as well.
Playing medium chill and shrug them off. If seated stand up make an excuse and leave.Use comments like,Good to know.Interesting..Also asking people to repeat what they say ? Usually they won't . Just don't make a scene ,they LOVE that.See the ploy for what it is.Remember not your circus not your monkeys.
Hello my dear friend I'm Wilson from Brazil Rio de janeiro ❤