After everything we've done. Totally get that one. I would be a rich woman today as many times as I have heard that. Oh, and the one "You're just way too sensitive". "Don't be so sensitive". I hear, you're emotions don't matter to me. They are not valid. It seems alot of your videos set off a few bells for me. So glad you are on here. Thank You so much!!
Yes. Still waiting for him to complete repairs from nearly two year old water damage (and I haven't been letting him skate). After "Why do you keep harping on that/can't you move on?" I get "What about all the nice things I'm always doing for you?" Deflection and narrative flipping. I revert to what he's neglecting to keep the conversation where it belongs, and he loses his mind. What I want to say, but know I won't accomplish anything if I do: "Buying things is easy. Bringing home junk food is ridiculously simple. Flowers are a blind, and are deliberately unkind in allergy season. Getting up and exerting effort when you'd prefer to 'punish' me by dragging the situation out is the real challenge and 'nice thing' to do, and you refuse to do it. It's just too difficult for you to even attempt, dude. You've even begin to call it 'renovation' to sterilize and justify it in your mind and to others, rather than 'repairs.' I see you." Gaslighting is real, y'all. Stay strong. 💪
HAHA! I did that too. Had my bags packed, cat carriers ready & he never noticed. I drove him to the school to teach a class I signed him to. Since he can not drive, I did not pick him up as I loaded my car in 10 minutes & gone. Ex walked home in the dark, in the cold for miles to a locked house.
BINGO ! The biggest mistake people make is thinking something they do or say will change the Narc… please just gray rock them until you can get out. Save yourself, plan quietly and GO!
@@reddawn8230 "Aren’t you past that yet?" said my mother as I was speaking of the most traumatic physically abusive event of my childhood… that she, in fact, inflicted on me. With these people, you are either wrong, or crazy, or delusional. Or… "rancorous", and living in the past
YES!! I learned that if I fixed or did anything around the house, if I gave credit to another person (a man), he would accept it and not criticize it as much.
My son was recently in an accident where he was seriously hurt but will recover just fine. My sister asked me if I cried when I found out because she cried her eyes out. Like it was a weird, creepy competition on who was more hurt. Who the hell competes over something like that? The weirdness never ends. Very low contact. I look back at what I used to put up with and can't believe I'm sane.
This gives me hope!! I'm stuck for the time being, so I settled with sticking to gray rocking. My immediate family members do things that make zero sense to me, so I check with my friends and they all seem baffled, too. I don't like dealing with pretense, navigating passive aggression, I get so frustrated when none of them are willing to be straightforward. My dad was direct (at least he was with me), but he passed about a decade ago. I'm not sure if my siblings will be capable of better connection later in their lives, once they're out from my mother's influence, or if they will always be this way. I try to proactively describe healthy connections whenever they present a good opportunity. My brother is able to validate others but avoids vulnerability, and my sister seems able to be a teeny bit vulnerable now (topic depending), but in the past had difficulties considering other's perspectives. Just this last year I noticed an improvement in her willingness to authentically connect. Although it is still very minimal, these abilities give me hope that some day my family will be connected and warm and authentic. By this point in my life, when I recognize I am hoping for something, I get nervous. Toxic hope kept me in quite a few harmful situations for way too long. I only recently realized there was something wrong with them and it wasn't all in my head, I'm still working on pinning it down. I would really like to be more independent from them!! If I could limit interactions to specific events or holidays, I wouldn't have the constant reminders.
@@PaigeSquared Toxic hope is an excellent description. I had that my entire life, up until about five years ago and I'm 50. So sad, all of the time wasted hoping for a close family and a support system. The less contact I have the more bizarre the interactions seem because I am so much more healthy now. I know what I am dealing with will never improve or change. It sounds harsh but I really improved mentally when I gave up hoping. Peace to you!
I've heard these crazy things from my mom all my life but didn't see it until I became physically ill from narc abuse several years now. Growing up you believe it. Now I see the bull! ✌
Or they just blow it off and say: oh he’s alright. The person could be on deaths door and they say that. I once told one someone we knew but hadn’t seen for ages died and they said oh well like it was nothing😔🤷🏻♀️
Yep,started with "you are so perfect", turned to "you're too sensitive", "nobody understands you like I do" -and when I started to show signs of leaving, "you'll never make it with out me", "nobody will love you like I do" - now, after leaving I am living a very succesfull and happy life....❤
Yes I dropped a friend after giving her a second chance, after she said your so perfect, you think k you're so perfect ! Ok I dropped her off and never ta.ked to her again,just a user
@@melissabyrd1310 Contact me!! Idk where you are, but you sound like me where I spent 15 YEARS IN HELL BEFORE I KNEW AND FOUND STRENGTH TO LEAVE!! IDK where you are logistically speaking, but even if you are in freakin' Siberia, I will find you help to PEACEFULLY get out of your abusive situation. I understand more than I can convey, and believe me, there's *NO* REASON* WHY* you should have to endure even one more day living in fear, anxiety and oppression. Please send me some kinda contact info here and I can help! 😘
Yep they CAN NEVER SAY THEY WERE WRONG OR THEY ARE SORRY. ..... SCARY THING if they said they were sorry. I do not think it would be genuine. I would need to see actions, and yeah that ain't happening. :( I once tried to talk to my sister about her behavior from my childhood, how I was still affected by her behaviors and non behaviors....ALL SHE SAID WAS, oh I didn't know that STILL bothered you!!!!! Crickets ! There was: No remorse, no I'm sorry, no let's try to talk more about this, let me try to make up for my lack of caring while dad beating the hell out of you for nothing while I stood there and watched or listened. Yep. ....... Personally, I have felt guilty for walking away from these people, BUT now I just don't care. It's a sad thing, I really just avoid people now. I've had to just ignore or throw people away as their behaviors to me are so disrespectful and abusive. I mean it's like I try to blame myself and make excuses for them, that it's me cause that my DAD STILL HAUNTING ME....telling me how stupid I was, how I'd never amount to nothing, the hitting, the kicking etc. Co workers suck me in then turn on me, friends betray me and lie to me and use me, ex husband lie n cheat, now my own family treats me like I am poison, I SOUND LIKE THE VICTIM....I always say I feel like Jesus must have felt, while now it's all verbal after my dad, and only 1x ex hit me and I told him you do it again you'll be 6' under, after my dad's abuse I was not taking that ever again. But I just run from these .... abusers ..... I had a lady tell me once, they attack you cause they can't be you and they want you to become them. Now I just quit, walk away, PROBLEM IS I ATTRACT THEM LIKE HONEY TO A BEE. I get attacked over nothing, I get attacked cause they can't control me, I get attacked cause FOR SOME REASON, FRIENDS OR FAMILY, WANT TO SIDE WITH THE GUILTY PARTY OF A TOPIC OR ABUSE. ....... ONE family member has become this narcissist as they and the spouse are BOTH EXTREME narcissists to each other and their kids.. The kids now exhibit this same behavior and they allow it. The adults have screamed at me, ridiculed me in front of their kids. Their kids call me names and they DO NOTHING. As well, ONE HAS SAID, not to my face, but I overheard it unbeknownst to them: ( I AM ASSUMING THAT BECAUSE WE DONT AND CANT AGREE, OR I MAKE SUGGESTIONS TO FOOD CHOICES NOT TO HAVE FOR GET TOGETHERS, AND DOESNT RESPECT MY OPINION); THEY TELL THEIR SPOUSE DISTINCTLY, AFTER APPARRENTLY I WAS ON SPEAKER AND HE LISTENED TO WHOLE CONVERSATION AND HE SAYS SOMETHING I COULD NOT MAKE OUT, SHE RESPONDS TO HIM AND SAYS "THIS IS WHY I DONT TALK TO HER" .........YEP! and I live with this and IT GOES DEEP.....DEEP! 😢😞
Well, they might hurt them, but it won't be their goal and it won't make them feel good. What I find myself saying pretty often is a person who loves you doesn't abuse you. Love and abuse can't happen at the same time.
I agree with @EveningTV. I also love saying you can't truly hurt a person who doesn't love you. You can annoy them and physically hurt them sure, but you cant truly hurt them.
I think it can be dangerous to victims to say “they’ll never say sorry”..some narcissists have figured out that they DO need to apologize at certain times when they know they’re about to be exposed. They’ll apologize to reel you back in or make you question yourself, especially if you’ve ever accused them of being a narcissist before.
Mine used to "admit" to not being the sharpest knife in the drawer, and used to praise my intelligence, until it worked against him, and then I was, again, crazy. (I am Bipolar, so he gave me that double whammy....)
This is very true my husband who I suspect has this problem, he used to almost never apologize. That’s something that would really bother me through out our relationship. Recently he’s developed the skill of apologizing and that gave me a lot of false hope and confusion at first. Eventually it didn’t add up because nothing changes he just does the same behavior again like we never talked about it. I had to research what a real apology is for me to finally see through it. His apology is very much a shut em up technique. There’s usually no ownership if so it’s like “I’m a bad person I know” “I’m the worst person ever” sort of thing. I’m always on his ass he says. Then he might promise to change but he usually doesn’t. One of his favorite apologies is “I’m sorry I made you feel that way.” It’s very confusing. How I know to tell the difference is a real apology brings a solid change. A fake apology brings no changes.
This is a big one. I thought it was odd in my husband, but then my husband was off. Now I know this is the quickest way to spot a narcissist. They never genuinely apologize.
As soon as I feel as though I’m being put on a pedestal, I’m out of there! I see the red flags early now and they are no longer red flags, they’re deal breakers! Thank you for your wisdom!!
I got swept up by a supreme love bomber. He sang my praises all the time. I came to learn the hard way: the higher the pedestal, the harder the fall. He’s forever raving about my good qualities when he’s trying to smooth things over. There’s never any admission of harm done, no “sorry”, nothing. To anyone reading these without knowing the whole story would think he’s just the sweetest thing. I know better.
@@TheEmerald524 Tell me if you've heard this one before; "I'm SORRY that you feel (or act) that way!" That's the closest thing to an apology from a narc.
@🦋JahGirl 🦋 you're tight. Me and my wife used to talk out everything before we got married. No argument mattered because we could just talk it out. I was so confused, because after we got married all of a sudden taking it out just made it worse and ended up with new arguments. Eventually I stopped trying to talk it out. I eventually put it together, but the early talks made it hard to see what was happening, even made me think that I just wasn't talking it out properly like it was my fault.
I expressed a valid point the other day and was told, "I'm not going to get into a p*ss*ing match with you, Alyssa." It had been an adult conversation until he almost had to face something. Ok, so all conversations about our children over, I guess. Then that'll be wrong too. Can't win, but keep trying.
Narcissists project all the time. When they say something positive about themselves, they are actually talking about someone else's character, probably you. And when they say something negative about you, they are usually describing themselves.
My ex narcissist had a string of “crazy” ex’s. They were all nuts, let him tell it. Suffice it to say I found out who the real “crazy” was. Thank God I have joined the ranks of the “crazy” ex’s. I could not care less what he says about me as long as he stays away from me!🙌🏽
We only exist as an avatar in their minds. They get angry when the real person shows up and acts contrary to their fantasy person they’ve turned you into.
My mom would run into my room when she and my dad fought and yell ITS ALL YOUR FAULT! I was like, OK. I pretty much emotionally blocked her out all of my childhood.
My husband's variation on that was to walk around muttering "It's not my fault" whenever he was grumpy or tense. One of sooooo many phrases he said so often that it drove me up the wall.
My ex-husband used to proudly introduce me to his colleagues and clients as "my beautiful wife." In the beginning I thought he was genuinely proud, but he never, ever complimented me directly, and I finally realized that it was the "my" that was important to him. I was his prize. Not any more.
My life. Used to get compliments in front of people. NEVER any behind closed doors. Never wants to do anything with me anymore. Only did things with me in past if his friends were involved
My narc sister started a conversation on the phone with me about dieting. During the conversation, I mention a friend of mine who would cut back to 900 calories to lose weight. A day later, I get an email from her telling me that I shouldn't cut back that far on calories and that she knew all about extreme dieting. Then she went on to 'lecture' me about dieting. Not only did she deliberately take something about someone else and apply it to me, but she proceeded to tell me how I should be dieting even though I told her that I had just lost 75 pounds. She did this to me all the time. So glad I went no contact.
I have two narc sisters that I went no contact with so I can relate. It's sooooo very sad, but I'm glad to be awakened and no longer a scapegoat!! I AM FREE!!
People do just fine on a 1,000 calorie a day diet. Just make it real vegetables and fruits and grains. Congratulations on your success with the weight loss.
I mean, she is right about 900 calories not being enough. If you do manage to lose weight on that little amount, you will most likely just gain it back. It’s much safer to create a sustainable lifestyle for weight loss
When you say something like "Oh my leg/head/arm/etc.. hurts a little bit" and the other one IMMEDIATELY diverts focus on HIS/HER (probably non-existent) pain, you can be sure it is a narcissist. They IGNORE everything you feel and make the situation all about them.
OH YEAH!, BIG TIME! Only they can be sick or not feel good. If you say your sick it becomes a competition and theu dont care or help you out if your sick.
I never understood why anyone would use the phrase "You think that's bad I...". It took me a while to wake up to the fact that a friend wanted to return the focus to her. I felt kind of stupid.
My all-time favorite, Dr. C:"Why can't you just move on?" Yep! Good one! The narcissist (s) love to minimize actual disasters of any kind and rationalize whatever they do, while maximizing and highlighting every single thing we do. Nothing is too small. Lol 🙃
That's it exactly and if you say ANYTHING no matter how nicely to them, you get a barrage of every single thing you've ever done. My mom even uses my toxic fathers traits and puts them on me. Then the next day they'll say they love you jn a sickly sweet way. Yet they hold grudges forever!
My soon to be ex-wife used a variation on this. She hurt me exceptionally bad one time and then asked if I was going to be like this all night, when I backed off and got quiet.
"My ex was crazy a real nut job. The only reason the kids turned out so well is because of my parenting skills". The kids primarily lived with their dad. I finally met him at a holiday get together. He was the nicest guy. I was told he'd hate me, but we really hit it off. I think that was the beginning of the end. "What did he say about me?" Became her favorite question. We didn't discuss her at all. We had a lot of other common interests. And when it was over, each of the kids reached out to me. Narcissists don't have relationships, they take hostages. I think it's one of the most exhausting personality types. Unfortunately, people don't come with warning labels.
Gotta say, a good tactic to protect yourself from the narcist is to make yourself the the most boring person in the world to them. They quickly move on.
One comment I heard from my ex whenever I tried to explain why his actions and words were a problem was "Nobody thinks like you." As if I was the crazy one for having morals and ethics and considering the feelings of others.
That is a Falacia ad populum (in Latin, I don't know in English; falacy? It's like saying: everyone says that... which is a lie since no one but that person is saying it. They use all kinds of falacias.
Rite like how do they know, they carrying the world statistic of thought process in their hands , when ppl say shit like this to me I say sure cite your sources where are the parties that don’t or do think this way, let me speak to them. Had a group member pull this shit with me everyone is saying this about you, I asked him who is everyone give me names I will ask them myself, radio silence after that.
Mine told me he could mess with my mind so bad that I could be committed. It helps when you know who they are, but I'm not the same person I use to be.
"Miles/you made me hurt you." If the above line is a lie, she's a villain, and if it's somehow the truth, she could still go berserk at any moment by the whims of an absent bully. And she thinks that she's ideal leader material. If that ain't delusional, I don't know what is.
Heard all of those. The most common is "I don't want to argue with you, or all you wanna do is argue." Was constantly told that when confronting them, or was simply trying to resolve an issue. It made me feel like I had serious issues. I realized it wasn't me when I was around others who weren't toxic.
I just heard the all you wanna do is argue. And then when I called out his bad actions again he didn’t even respond to the actions. He just discarded me cause I’m “so unreasonable” but I found it funny that I was the unreasonable one. It’s always our reactions that are the problems and never their actions that led to those reactions. It’s funny cause same as you, when I’m around others I never seem to have these issues but yet was told over and over it was all me.
I was told this randomly when I would call him and he was in front of his parents. He’d actually like he was pleasing with me that he didn’t want to argue with me, when really I called to tell him things about the child he only acknowledged when he wanted to. Lol. There was no arguing at all, I was actually letting him know his son had bumped his head that day and get another opinion. You can’t do that with a narc!
Heart to heart? How about Heart to heartless? I poured my guts out to my narc ex about why I was so unhappy in our marriage, citing numerous incidents which he could not possibly deny. After about 10 minutes of my outpouring his reply was, "Well, my friends won't come over anymore because you've alienated them all."
I never said that I never did that That never happened You know I didn't mean it I was just joking Nobody thinks like you Everyone knows/ thinks/ says...( Except you of course 🤣) If it wasn't for ME...blah,blah,blah.. They don't make them like me anymore ( 😁) Okay this one takes the cake...!! My x summed up our marriage with this statement ( still on repeat) " You never even tried to see eye to eye with me" I'm so glad that's hilarious now but I wanted to pull my eye balls out back then 🤣
Hang in there girl. You, like most people, have not seen your full potential. You are capable of doing things far beyond what you might think. Don’t let anyone pull you down. 😊😊😊
My ex husband used to say exactly the same "we don't need eye to eye, we're not on the same page". It was rather "I don't see eye to eye with HIM and not on the same page as HIS page". He couldn't care less about my feelings. He was so dismissive and said that I don't pamper and listen to him like I used to (after I started to get tired of his bullying and anger tantrums and started to stand up to myself.
I'm a narcissist in therapy and you've made a great point about when narcissists do admit their fault (or more like pretend to admit), but then only use it to stop the other person from being mad at them. That's something I'm currently working on. Very often, even when I understand that I'm in the wrong, I do believe that there's some sort of limit that the person has to have in being mad at me. And if I interpret their reaction as "too much", I often forget how rude I was just 10 minutes ago and start defending myself. It's like the flick of a switch. And then the person have to remind me how bad it was for them in order to bring me back. I'm progressively getting better at recognizing my tunnel vision and not losing it during the argument. At first I had to deal with severe anger inside myself, but now it's more like an irritation and is more controllable.
@@samanthawilliams5520 Narcissism is a defense mechanism. And every argument is a fight for survival for a narcissist. It works sorta like a real fight: when you're in a fight, you don't think who started it, how you got there, who's wrong, who's right etc. You just try to kick the other persons ass and don't let them to kick yours, because there's no time for anything else. The problem with narcissists is that they fight everybody, even though nobody's attacking them.
@@MrFahrenheit2k appreciate your response. when I’m in a fight I do think about all those things because it determines how I fight. I can’t fight without 1st confirming I’m indeed under attack. the last statement recalls Proverbs 28:1 - “The wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous are bold as a lion.” Wrong strives to stay undetected but truth, good, etc is permanence and can just exist without fear of being seen, known and vulnerable. It’s letting principle lead decision making and not self interest. Which principles do you submit to?
@@samanthawilliams5520 Narcs skip the part when they need to think whether they're in a fight or not. They think in black and white: "either I'm a winner or I'm a loser". There's no middle ground, they can't fathom that not everything is a competition. So, a narcissist always either plays victim or being an abuser. And even though I understand that, I'm still doing exactly that. I do not follow principles. I like to claim I do, I like to fool myself into thinking I do, but I don't. My actions speak louder, and they say I'm very self-centered and have no care for others. My current efforts are focused on changing that.
When confronting my in-laws about what I did to make them hate me so much they claimed I was welcomed into their family with open arms 😱 In fact I've never been treated so awful by people in my life. I'm so glad I have your videos Dr. C I don't know what I'd do without them!
Perl Girl, I understand your pain, because that's where I'm at. A lot of videos focus on narcissistic abuse in romantic relationships. Having narcissistic personality disordered in-laws is a painful, lonely place that don't get talked about enough!
Totally with you. Same. It’s because they can’t control you the same as they can with their son or daughter. They say I’m negative. It’s because you have boundaries. Am glad you do. X
LOLLL that's what my sister in laws both said, "what do you mean??" I was so excited, thinking I was going to have this big loving family, but I never got to actually be authentic with any of the in-laws. It turns out I wasn't safe being authentic and vulnerable w my ex husband, either.
Thanks for your wisdom. Your advice helps us feel better by giving us courage to believe in ourselves. Sometimes there's so much confusion that we can't make sense of. Your clarification gives us healthy direction.
Definitely, this channel has helped me so much. The on fusions and cognitive dissonance had reached crazy proportions the rumination, all far far less now. I now know why I am where I am in life and very sick due to 57 years being on the receiving end of this from a vulnerable victim martyr narc. Being loyal and empathetic and them being so vulnerable all I wanted to do was protect them. Doing that ruined my life. The aha moment was when they were not loyal empathetic when I need them most. It's taken a lot for my anger to reduce. Still dealing with narcs and ill health but my mental health has clarity all thanks to dr. C. And team healthy ✌
My favorite was hearing her say“ there is nothing wrong with me , the only problem I have is you “ and “ no one else thinks like you do “ and my all time favorite “ why don’t you go see if anyone wants you “ So I did !
I’ve been shouted at repeatedly that the only problem they have is me. Work is fine, everything is fine, I’m the only issue. When I ask what I’m doing so I can change or stop it, no answer. I’m just the problem. They don’t need help, they don’t have any issues, it’s all me. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been told they’d throw me out with just my car keys and what I’m wearing. And when I was going to walk out they said “where exactly are you going to go?” I’m starting to see things clearly now.
Oh my! How awful. My husband said to me “everyone thinks you’re difficult!” And I asked him “who? Who said that I’m difficult?” He couldn’t think of anyone. I’m glad you got away!!!
Or when they take their own perception of a situation and you explain what really happened they will turn the no on you . Then accuse you of being mad that they said no. And your the narc. Be careful with the no thing they do it to you and gaslight you with it.
Thank you again Dr. Carter. Too many years I was with my ex narc. It finally ended with a physical attack against me last summer. No contact from that time forward. Listening to you has helped a great deal. Best wishes to you.
Listening to you is like a warm hug, Dr. Carter. You are so comforting and bring sanity to chaos and pain and confusion. I love your sweet, sleeping dog, too.
Have you ever encountered so many narcissists in your life that you think that "I might actually be the narcissist?" That's where I'm at. I am so positive all the time and think the very best about Everyone all the time...being blindsided and speechless.
the way i look at it - our boundaries (the few we were allowed to have) were so often ignored growing up that we have no concept of even having a right to them. Narcs are like raptors at the fence (Jurassic Park) they are constantly testing everyone's fence with micro-aggressions and boundary incursions and then they stick with the people who they can control and influence more. You are not attracting them, they are constantly looking and childhood abuse make sure these creatures have a constant supply. the Narcs in our childhood primed us to be supply by other Narcs when a parent is supposed to strengthen their child, not weaken them. it is the betrayal that keeps on hurting.
You think you're perfect. I know what you're really like. It's your fault I did it. You're equally to blame. Don't take this the wrong way but ... You know I love you. It's always got to be your way. Constantly projecting🤣🤣
"I let you have your way with everything" "Don't you think I compromise" At this point I couldn't even answer I was so shocked at how full of crap he was.
This made me flash on having a baby. I could see his irritation @ the lion's share of attention geared toward me and the newborn, for 2 days in hospital. When it was time to leave, Mum & child are required to be transported to a waiting vehicle via wheelchair for liability reasons. He didn't like that and uttered, 'I think you can walk!' He rec'd a nice dressing down from nursing staff, which I had to say was kind of amusing! What a giant baby.
After a hospital procedure my 80 year old mom after I fainted and was laid down as told to by the nurse, she told me to get up and walk around because all the other ppl who had had that procedure were fine. That trust it to be me! Guess I was embarrassing her!!
Explicit phrase: 1. You are absolutely amazing. 2. You’ve never had a more loyal supporter than me. 3. Do you realize how ridiculous you sound? 4. My ex was absolutely crazy. 5. Why can’t you just move on? 6. You are the most selfish person I know. (It’s virtually always projection) 7. You’re just too sensitive/over-reacting. 8. You have no idea what you’re talking about. Hidden meaning: 1. I want the gifts/influence that come with you. 2. You cannot question my motives. 3. My opinion is the only one that matters. 4. I’m a chronic victim. It’s who I am. 5. I don’t want to talk about my negatives. Please don’t make me accountable. 6. I can’t tolerate you having a mind of your own. 7. You need to quit having your emotions/needs. 8. I’m the keeper of truth, not you.
I would tell my Narc Sister a fact. Her response would be , “ I don’t know about that”. So, I would say, “ I’m not ASKING you, I’m telling you!”. She loves to demean and gaslight. I’ve had her blocked on my phone since the middle of January. My life is so peaceful now!!!
had to cut off my younger brother after years of gaslighting. the peace of mind is unreal i agree and once i learned that hard lesson i can handle strangers more easily. the irony is that my brother would say he taught me a vital lesson so its ok for him
Had the same with my parents until I stopped talking at home. As a teenager, I quoted from the latest radio news and got told off for talking stupid as always. Then I turned on the radio news. Of course, the narc brain forgets that quickly. But it did me good. Stay strong.
Thank you I was married to a disaster for 47 years, until his death. He destroyed me and although he has been dead for 11 years, he still lives in the back of my brain. My salvation lies in my children. Although our relationships are not perfect, they are kind people.
Katie, What a positive opportunity to now learn who YOU are and find out what you want in life. Keep watching the videos and growing into the beautiful person that you are.
Time DOES heal. Research … how to “let go.” After all, you don’t want anything from that person anymore! Not understanding. Not validation. Nothing. When you start thinking about it, stop yourself with “mindfulness” and you will find that your mind will move on! Take a trip, smile and be happy. Mine is dead too. I used to “relive” episodes. No more. He does affect me any longer.
Knowlege about narcissism through people like you dr Carter, saved my sense of being. My brother is the covert, my father the overt narcessist and my mum the flying monkey. I went no contact. They sacrefied a sister and a daughter. I am sad but way better off. So thank you. My focus now, is my live with people who do care about me...there are plenty of them. 3 rotten apples will not ruin my life anymore
Thanks for these reminders! I'm just getting out of a long-term marriage to a narc. I thought I was over being involved with this type of person only to realize that a "friend", someone I've known for many years, has revealed themselves to be the same. This person had always been a little difficult, so I just chalked it up to bad social skills before understanding narcissism. Devaluing, of myself and others, had always been part of the conversations coupled with love bombing, even w/i the same sentence. It always left me confused. Recently, after confiding in them, that person used some of the phrases mentioned here against me in a conversation. They went way out of their lane. It was very devaluing and shocking. I was so surprised by it that I forgot to use the JADE technique to try to shut things down. I told my therapist that I had never been talked to like that ever in my life by anyone. It was quite a disheartening experience.
Similar situation here. Googled behaviors.Long time friends..then realized husband had many traits, as well. Year plus into education, therapy..mind blowing experience to say the least. Thank you Dr. Carter! My faith in God sustains me. It's a tough journey
I've been burned enough to now know that the way people talk about others to you will be the exact same way they will end up talking about and treating you even if you believe that you are best friends. I was friends with someone that enjoyed gossip and getting in other's business but I kind of looked past it as annoying but she ended up horribly stabbing me in the back. I will never ignore those traits in another person again.
Sadly I lost an 18 year relationship with a couple who I would have called mentors. They shunned me as soon as I separated in house. We often find that people in our circle were being groomed as enablers behind our backs by the narcs victim story. I have mostly new friends now.
A crazy trippy one. "How can you be soo cold and show no emotions? I want to see some emotions when we argue." This is when they are throwing you rage, word salad, gaslighting and all the other goodies of manipulation and you are trying to process all of it step by step and get to the bottom of the matter. When you are listening but keeping your focus on the initial trigger that erupted the rage, and actually being emotionally mature. 2. I'm always critical about things. 3. You want a cheerleader, not the truth. 4. Thats not even important, how could you make me feel this way. 5. I know what you truly meant. 6. You are soo boring. 7. You can never do that because you are just incapable. Basically anything that describes YOU like as if the speaker authoritatively knows YOU better than you know yourself screams Narcissism.
Sounds like you're referring to, "emotionality" rather than emotion. Emotionality is confusing. Emotion is obvious. Emotion is connection, a willingness to share your feelings. Emotionality is just all over the place and it excludes others.
Well...until dealing with someone in denial and/or trying to get over on you? That doesn't scream narcissism absolutely, rather, it screams Defense Mechanism OR Narcissism of the one in "denial", perhaps? Maybe it is two low-level narcs meeting head-to-head? This stuff is very complicated to sort through.
@@mthomas3547 Some emotions are obvious to some lucky ones. Some emotions we hide from ourselves, like when we deny our own needs and motives. Internal struggle with our core beliefs, or with society's models of exploitation- these support the confusion of emotionality
Waiting with curiosity, a few phrases come to mind... "you do not trust me" "You are crazy" "You're making a drama about an unimportant matter" Phrase these people don't say, or say without honesty: "Let's talk"
Ohh GOOOOOD one's!!! I'll add mine to yours here: --You're OVER exaggerating --You don't want to be around me??? 😭 --You misunderstood --I said "I MIGHT!" --I was JUST JOKING!!! --I DIDN'T KNOW!!!
I feel like I've said a few of things back at my covert ex after constant erroneous accusations and being extremely controling and sensitive..... I'm constantly questioning, if I myself am a narcissist... But, I eventually just stopped responding to her saying these things.. Which made things even worse. She'd pick fights out of thin air, gaslighting and saying things that never happened. It got to the point where I'd record things (without her knowing) or have to go back to the camera footage in the house to prove her wrong. And when I did, she'd find something else random to argue about. Usually something minor I did to mess up in the past.. I'd just stonewall, and wouldn't engage at that point. I'd simply say, "if I'm so terrible, why do yo even want to be here."... After the last argument and she threatened to pack/leave (which she did every fight)... I finally said... "please do." She was floored and kept asking "are you sure this is what you want? Once I'm gone I'm gone."....i just kept watching TV and said, "Thank you." What a tumultuous 8 months. And the aftermath is even more confussing... Lol..but, this too shall pass.
Love your story and I'm so glad you were strong enough to stand up for yourself. Took me awhile to do that. I finally told him, "Go mind f&+k someone else". They are awful!!
Good on you! The indifference not only communicates that you've had a gutful of the trauma cycle, but also that you are moving on. Nothing is more crushing to the narc than being of no consequence and losing that supply. Stay no contact, hang in there, it will get better.
Just last evening. Had that very thought: "If I'm a psycho and as crazy and self-centered as you say I am, why are you always telling me I don't spend enough time with you - don't appreciate all you do for me - accuse me of only spending time with people who tell me how good I am and don't confront me with the truth about myself"? That last phrase was a new one. There's always a new 'truth' about myself I'm baffled to hear.
Good for you! Well done! I greatly love the "thank you" part, superb. (This sounds imo like a mini version of the Johnny Depp & Amber Heard interactions at the end of their relationship when he finally booted her out of his life? Funny how insane people are so random, yet not. Pathology is so predictable in the end?)
I come from a family that had multiple narcissistic abusers, and I grew up hearing variations of most of these phrases. One of these relatives was a raging narcissistic aunt who, whenever anybody dared to state a thought that she disagreed with, would shout, "Don't be so silly!!"
“You’re crazy,” “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” and “What are you so sensitive.” Just variable forms of “Don’t be silly.” All dismissive and invalidating.
Very often, advice is about "how to deal with a narcissistic partner" or "how to deal with a narcissistic parent" which ignores the totality of being raised in a family full of toxic patterns of behaviour, including from sibling(s) and I wonder how many people have had to deal with all that, on their own rather than just having the one narcissist to cope with.
Thank you for putting these information videos out so victims can begin to realize that they are in a highly toxic environment and they are not crazy. Trust your gut! I get triggered listening to these but it's important for me to continue to heal from a trauma bond from a 23 year marriage that I'm no longer in. You are worthy and you CAN do this!
I eventually want videos about narcissism to fall off my algorithm, because the constant watching of them maybe hindering my recovery a little bit. Hiw much more information do I really need to convince myself I made the right choice by leaving 🤣 But the few channels follow have been integral to help vent, and realize it's just how insane they are. So, on the days Im reminiscent of the good times and wondering what more could I have done? These are a great reminder... There was NOTHING I could have done. If it wasn't the fight I diffused on Saturday and we were okay for Sunday... The fight a month down the road would have caused it. So, it would have just delayed the inevitable. They cannot be fixed.
Omg I know what you mean! I like to watch these videos, but I end up with a stomach ache or a headache after a few because the content is so true to my life, but I can’t leave. 😢 I end up feeling worse instead of being more validated.
So many people have experienced the same situations and it's been so difficult up till now to be heard and validated. These eye-opening talks and confessions are such a blessing, as we finally dare to learn and develop personally in a healthy manner. Special thanks to you, Dr Carter, for your super helpful content!!
I grew up with a narcissist mother and sister, then dated a few narcissists before I caught on. These TH-cam videos have been a blessing. Now I'm able to see the signs from very early on and am able to avoid them. Thank you for your work!
@@hardhatcatboi How is your plan coming along for leaving? It’s best to plan VERY carefully and leave no evidence. Don’t tell anyone unless you trust them with your life. Depending on how long you have been with him, it can take a very long time to unravel the twisted mess he has created in your brain and way of thinking. I was with mine 35 years and it took about a year to even begin to feel normal. I had no idea how much he had affected and changed me. But trust me, leaving is so worth it.
“I will never tell a lie…I promise.” “It’s you not me.” “I don’t know how you’ll survive without me.” “You’re a bad person!” “You’re being sensitive.” “You’re imagining things!” 🙉😵💫
I've heard a different version of this. When my ex narc would try to prove a point, she'd say "ask anyone, everyone knows this"....implying that i'm the only idiot who doesn't understand what she's saying. Mind you, she'd make totally absurd claims about me with ZEEEERO backup....accusation are made out of thin air with zero basis, but trying to get to the objective truth is impossible. They'll say anything to dance around the subject when questioned.
I became a medical assistant at 49 years old. I have learned I don't fit in because EVERY office I worked in, people couldn't get past their own ego's. I'm studying nutrition now, and I will work for myself and ACTUALLY do some good! No one wants a person that might outshine them. There are so many narcissists in medicine, it's heartbreaking! I just wanted to help people, but they couldn't stand that I had a personality.
Disney lover, your name implies that you have a certain childishness about you. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. And I like Disney, too, some of it. I like Disneyland. But I'm digressing. Are you sure there is not room for self-comptemplation here? Your empathy and kindness towards others is what the medical industry needs right now. Don't let yourself be discouraged. You were not hired for looks. If I thought everyone was toxic around me... The first thing I'd think after that is I am probably mistaken. And I would would continue to strive to deliver excellent service. (I was a CMA. I know that this field can only function in accuracy, top ethics, and empathy.) It is so important what you do. You are certainly needed and appreciated. I am not in the profession anymore; but only because God took me out to put me in another place.
@@firstptr3and10_ Oh baloney. She can do as much good in nutrition as anywhere else. She doesnt' have to stay in a bad place and get beat up just because the industry can't fix it's own inadequacies. Fix the narcissistic system, then invite them back. You WERE a CMA. Got tired of the narcissists calling your job "butt-wiper" I suppose. No wonder you're trying to rope someone else in to do it. Your love-bombing is too obvious: "you are awesome." You freaking Narcy.
TheDisneyLover123, are you doing a master's in nutrition and aiming for RD? I am considering this path and come from a similar background as you, contemplating mainstream medicine but not every part of it sitting well with me.
They will argue to the death, and must have the last word no matter how wrong they are! It’s unbelievable and so draining dealing with them, not worth it.
I'm a female who was befriended by a female at a social group. She was 100% a narcissist. Everything was to her advantage, nothing in return. She ending up dumping me because her dog loved me and showed it. Horrible individual
Variations on "you are amazing!" is really common among southern US women. Some are genuinely kind, thank goodness. The ones who aren't are like what that came out of the south end of my cats, coated in saccharine. Then there's the put down followed by "bless her heart", as if that makes it all right to trash talk others. I've got to physically and psychologically clean out the litter boxes every day.
I had my older sisters tell me "oh you do go on" when I was merely expressing my response to their gaslighting, self-victimisation and so on. They couldn't handle it cause I'd never really questioned them before. They'd always manipulated me and stepped all over my boundaries - I'm 11 years younger than the middle sister, so it was just 'natural' for them to control me 😒
Every narcissist is watching this, taking notes & will never use these phrases again. So just remember the exact wording is not the point. The point is always control. So set your boundaries
This may not apply; but, a wonderful Teacher I had once taught us that… Always be careful when encountering someone who is too ‘nice’; as far as the pendulum swings in one direction, it swings equally in the opposite direction. A lesson we should all remember. Thanks for reminding me of her and the lesson! 🙂
Completely agree its strange + approach with caution... however, there is more than one reason people behave like that. I had a friend who previous did not act that way, but became like this ( generally 'overpleasing') after some bad personal experiences - maybe some sort of generalised over-fawing, trying very very hard in every situation, in order to feel safe and appreciated by others. Her earlier confidence had dwindled to almost nothing after being around some seriously unpleasant people. So, unless you already know the person, you dont know if its a narc perp, or a previous target, you are facing.... so you have to be cautious untill you understand more clearly.
What time zone are you in? He does the 15 minute prerecorded ones on Monday, Thursday, and Saturday at 10am USA Central (GMT -6), and the Wednesday live stream is an hour later (11am USA Central). If you subscribe, you should get notice of an upcoming stream (a little over a day early, then again at 30 minute warning, and yet again at stream start. Hope to see you join in live chat soon. It will likely feel like a virtual hug. Or at least a knuckle bump. Or even an upnod.
Dont we all have ,u tube, im glad i can catch the Doc ,on time, sometimes i dread it, cause its real bad truth, thats my problem, my good old flying monkeys days or over. ,before i was begging for mercy, the narcissist can cut deep, i seen it ,with good people, cause a narcissist, is in control, its a nasty, thing, hec i turn into non human, i live with my mistakes, my disgusting actions, the narcissist can take your humanity, hec mine, killed her husband, cause of, indulgence of sex, the husband, a normal, she raped him, than she married him, put this way, he was very normal, working man, he hanged himself with a rope, yea the horror the narcissist is about, hec my narcissist almost killed or dad. ,with just signing papers from the hospital, my dad was just in rehab, he was not on his death bed, but she signed a paper, to let him die, i watched pure horror from, a so called good church human, all her life, playing church, every church in Texas, my flying monkey days or gone im gone, cause i turn on my own family, it killed me. to be against someone i love, the Doctor says, he cares for us, thank ya Doctor, it hurts, i dont need my dummy sister, to be like this, my sister has abused sex. ,she tried to have sex with me her sister, cause your boyfriend was a whore. and he needs to watch two girls, two sisters, Lord, please help me, i turned on someone i love, it took 60, years, ,watching this unfold, i tell ya, the robot child. , im a no good human, but i cant go that far, not caring for right and wrong, i hate this, yea so i turned, im lost, i dont have kids, i think my mom, was this way, my mom, had no mom, so what she didn't teach us life skills, my heart, my brain taught me my insight. my awareness, i played flying monkey, cause i love my family, now i play, i had enough, like keep messing with me, my devil side dont play, yea the devil won, he destroyed my family, she does this, cause of character disorder, the nasty, the narcissist will destroy a normal human, my mom, was not bent, i got the traits, but im not, bent, my mom was just a innocent person, she didn't have that control thing, i seen enough, the comments or very right, my narcissist was big time out of control way bent on every level and the whole time, wearing a mask
"I am always honest I tell it like it is" and "I have so much empathy". You learn that if someone has to say this about themselves over an over its usually not true! If you have these qualities you don't need to tell people.
Yes, the old "I'm just being honest" bs. My sister used to use that one all the time. Your hair looks like crap. Have you gained some weight? Why would you wear that? Everytime I saw her. She always said she is just a very honest person. Now, if the roles were reversed, all hell would break loose. So happy that I don't have to deal with her anymore!!
Ughh that "just being honest" drives me nuts, just an excuse to say mean, rotten things. Why is it honesty always negative? I asked mine once, he didn't know what to say. He says it as though he deserves a trophy, I'm brutally honest, honest to a fault, I tell it like it is! Yet, he's so very thin skinned that even the slightest hint of criticism will send him into a rage!
@@sahdogwrangler5594 Many years ago, after we received one negative letter after another from my FIL, I wrote to him and TOLD him, "If you don't have anything positive to say about us, please don't write." So, he didn't. Stopped writing entirely. Probably the only honest thing I ever saw him do in a personal relationship! He wrote what he did in the first place because I consistently stood up to his self-righteous, self-exalting sermons aimed at us by unapologetically speaking / writing MY mind on any issue under discussion. Arrogant man who was deaf to any ideas other than his own. He's ten-years-dead now, but his narc legacy still lives on in his adult children. Narcissism is genuinely a curse.
I have absolutely heard some of these statements from a narcissist. A man who was in a position of authority said these things to myself and my husband. He used a written threat towards my family and then used a hard discard to run from his inappropriate behavior. Narcissists are evil soul suckers that love the control but once they are confronted run for cover.
After you let them know what they have done to hurt you… they respond. “ I’m sorry you feel that way”. Not, I’m sorry my actions made you feel that way.
Another phrase is " I need you, I love you ". Actually, they hate you, they really don't love you. The only thing they "need" is your submission to them so they can continue to abuse you and control you. I hear a whole lot more phrases from my situation. Can't stand it anymore.
Weird that they want all of the power and control and will fight you tooth and nail for it but when things go wrong it's all your fault. Wait, weren't they the ones leading everyone in the first place? 🤔
I wanna say thank you for not bogging your videos down with commercials. It can be frustrating when there are a lot of ads as I am trying to listen while working.
I recently have turned my back on a friendship of forty six years. She ticked every narcissistic box including saying things like ‘you’re just too sensitive’ She liked to always play the victim and devalued me at every opportunity. I don’t see myself as a weak person, but for some reason I just put up with it. It’s just a relief to be free of her.
When you say you put up with you did not want to engage in an argument, as a narcissistic person will not stop until you literally agree with them,you can not win the argument as they are always right, hence the saying "you put up with it", I've done it, till I called this person out and cut ties with her. Its a relief as I never knew how I was going to find her in a discussion. Now I do not have anything to do with her, she is telling all her "flying monkeys" untruths. You are safe in the knowledge of your not going crazy, these people have crazy minds.
Sylvia, that’s exactly what she did. If I disagreed with her she would immediately shout at me until I backed down and at every opportunity she would sneer and belittle me. It’s hard to understand why I put up for it for so long but looking back I was well and truly gaslighted. In the end I just made myself always too busy to see her. We’re members of the same club, one I unfortunately proposed her to, so I had to do it in a way there’s no conflict and all I can say six months down the line it was the best thing I did.
Linda, you end up thinking is it just me feeling this way about this toxic person? Then one day, took me forty six years, you wake up and smell the coffee. It wasn’t easy but as time goes on, it feels good. No more lying down in a darkened room after seeing her 😂
Sounds like a "friend" I dropped when I was in my 20s. We were "friends" as teens. The reason I was drawn to that personality, I did comparisons. She's just like my narc mother.😖 glad to hear you got out.💛
Whenever someone starts to say to me (Red Flag) “you need to …” I stop them mid sentence and say I don’t need to do anything and that usually shuts the narcissist up.
Their logic trumps yours... until you beat them at their own game. Then they run to your original argument to "win." Rather the opposite of consistent, if you ask me.
My narc sister will pop up with the most condescending comments like "Good for you," or "Wow, you recognized that about yourself." We are both in our 60's and she still delivers this garbage. She will never recover from her delusional belief that she is better than every other person on the planet.
Ohgosh YAAS! My grandiose malignant narcissists husband's phrase to get out of making any decisions to improve or repair our home yard and vehicles. It's his AUTOMATIC avoidance response
As a normal person, I can’t imagine saying to someone “I’m your most loyal supporter.” So if someone says this to you it should raise a red flag. It’s just unnecessary & creepy
My ex used to say, "You can never admit you are wrong." Even when his own mother would tell him that she had heard me admit that I was wrong many, many times, as would our kids, he still stood by the idea that I wouldn't ever admit I was wrong.
@@happybergner9832 I get that. I kind of did the same thing. I asked myself, "When did I go from taking the blame for everything whether I did it or not, to taking responsibility for nothing?" I also knew that I remembered admitting that I was wrong. Talk about cognitive dissonance! Anyway, it looks like your thoughts are normal
Thank you! I know one sentance that beats many of those arguments of the narcissist: ”It is only your opinion.” They say:” You’re too sensitive.” Just say:”It is only your opinion!” And look what happens. I said this once to a man who mocked me ”not being a real woman” when I did not give him what he wanted. It just came into my mind and I said: ”It is only your opinion.” He shut down, he could not say anything. Since then, I’ve used that sentance some and then when needed and it is aa effective every time. I taught it also to my daughter. Look: when you say so, you admit that the person have a right to have an opinion about me - but it is only and only his/her opinion - not a fact and not even the opinion of everyone.
Point 3: “Do you know how ridiculous you sound” … Often presented. I was once manhandled, and bundled out of the house and locked out for simply expressing a different perspective on a situation. Not even an argument. Simply an alternate viewpoint. Finally left some yrs ago. Free and now happily re-married.
Another phrase that should be on this list is, "After all I've done for you!"
Translated, You owe me.
This should be quoted on my mother’s headstone
After everything we've done. Totally get that one. I would be a rich woman today as many times as I have heard that. Oh, and the one "You're just way too sensitive". "Don't be so sensitive".
I hear, you're emotions don't matter to me. They are not valid. It seems alot of your videos set off a few bells for me. So glad you are on here. Thank You so much!!
I get this all the time... And similar versions...
Yes. Still waiting for him to complete repairs from nearly two year old water damage (and I haven't been letting him skate). After "Why do you keep harping on that/can't you move on?" I get "What about all the nice things I'm always doing for you?" Deflection and narrative flipping. I revert to what he's neglecting to keep the conversation where it belongs, and he loses his mind.
What I want to say, but know I won't accomplish anything if I do: "Buying things is easy. Bringing home junk food is ridiculously simple. Flowers are a blind, and are deliberately unkind in allergy season. Getting up and exerting effort when you'd prefer to 'punish' me by dragging the situation out is the real challenge and 'nice thing' to do, and you refuse to do it. It's just too difficult for you to even attempt, dude. You've even begin to call it 'renovation' to sterilize and justify it in your mind and to others, rather than 'repairs.' I see you."
Gaslighting is real, y'all. Stay strong. 💪
I never argued with my ex-narc. I tried a million ways to please him. I just planned secretly and LEFT-smartest thing I ever did.
Very Wise! Don’t tell a narcissist you are leaving them and give them a chance to plot their revenge!
HAHA! I did that too. Had my bags packed, cat carriers ready & he never noticed. I drove him to the school to teach a class I signed him to. Since he can not drive, I did not pick him up as I loaded my car in 10 minutes & gone. Ex walked home in the dark, in the cold for miles to a locked house.
@@MinkesMom good move! you can be proud of yourself!
BINGO ! The biggest mistake people make is thinking something they do or say will change the Narc…
please just gray rock them until you can get out. Save yourself, plan quietly and GO!
@@MinkesMom It's good that you left without a big fuss, but why did you lock him out in the cold?
I had a narcissist say "you'll never find someone else like me" my response was THANK GOD FOR THAT as I walked out and closed the door. 😂
That is an EPIC response 🤣👏👏👏👏
🤣
🏆
...and "no one will ever "love" you like I do"
@@susanjeffay3851 to which we reply, "thank god for that!"
When you try to discuss how they’ve hurt you, they accuse you of living in the past or holding a grudge.
Or bringing old baggage to the relationship. When that is what they are doing.
Exactly...o that's the past I am moving forward not Backwards..
Yep! Even if they do or say something 2 seconds ago they Still yell "Stop bringing up the past"! 😅
@@azashukura Lol! TRUE.
@@reddawn8230 "Aren’t you past that yet?" said my mother as I was speaking of the most traumatic physically abusive event of my childhood… that she, in fact, inflicted on me. With these people, you are either wrong, or crazy, or delusional. Or… "rancorous", and living in the past
They don't let you ever finish a sentence.
Story of my life with my ex Narc! They're too stupid to learn this or anything else! 😂😅😅
So, someone with ADHD?
Ain't that the truth! Then they bombard you with psycho bable!
When they here a word in your story they take over with that word and go on with a story about themselves
That's the truth
I left my narcissistic husband. The last thing he said was, "I don't love you." I said, "Tell me something I don't know." Ciao.
That’s really impressive and strong
Here’s a classic…anytime you try to explain something to them….”I know that already”…..or something to that effect. Remember…they know EVERYTHING!
Or so they say!
So true! 👍 Because they think they are God like..
Yes!
YES!! I learned that if I fixed or did anything around the house, if I gave credit to another person (a man), he would accept it and not criticize it as much.
Or they may reply with "tell me something I don't already know".
My son was recently in an accident where he was seriously hurt but will recover just fine. My sister asked me if I cried when I found out because she cried her eyes out. Like it was a weird, creepy competition on who was more hurt. Who the hell competes over something like that? The weirdness never ends. Very low contact. I look back at what I used to put up with and can't believe I'm sane.
That last sentence 💯💯💯
This gives me hope!! I'm stuck for the time being, so I settled with sticking to gray rocking. My immediate family members do things that make zero sense to me, so I check with my friends and they all seem baffled, too. I don't like dealing with pretense, navigating passive aggression, I get so frustrated when none of them are willing to be straightforward. My dad was direct (at least he was with me), but he passed about a decade ago.
I'm not sure if my siblings will be capable of better connection later in their lives, once they're out from my mother's influence, or if they will always be this way. I try to proactively describe healthy connections whenever they present a good opportunity. My brother is able to validate others but avoids vulnerability, and my sister seems able to be a teeny bit vulnerable now (topic depending), but in the past had difficulties considering other's perspectives. Just this last year I noticed an improvement in her willingness to authentically connect. Although it is still very minimal, these abilities give me hope that some day my family will be connected and warm and authentic.
By this point in my life, when I recognize I am hoping for something, I get nervous. Toxic hope kept me in quite a few harmful situations for way too long. I only recently realized there was something wrong with them and it wasn't all in my head, I'm still working on pinning it down.
I would really like to be more independent from them!! If I could limit interactions to specific events or holidays, I wouldn't have the constant reminders.
@@PaigeSquared Toxic hope is an excellent description. I had that my entire life, up until about five years ago and I'm 50. So sad, all of the time wasted hoping for a close family and a support system. The less contact I have the more bizarre the interactions seem because I am so much more healthy now. I know what I am dealing with will never improve or change. It sounds harsh but I really improved mentally when I gave up hoping. Peace to you!
I've heard these crazy things from my mom all my life but didn't see it until I became physically ill from narc abuse several years now. Growing up you believe it. Now I see the bull! ✌
Or they just blow it off and say: oh he’s alright. The person could be on deaths door and they say that. I once told one someone we knew but hadn’t seen for ages died and they said oh well like it was nothing😔🤷🏻♀️
Yep,started with "you are so perfect", turned to "you're too sensitive", "nobody understands you like I do" -and when I started to show signs of leaving, "you'll never make it with out me", "nobody will love you like I do" - now, after leaving I am living a very succesfull and happy life....❤
I want to move and he gets worse when i try to do anything to leave and causes so much drama.
@@melissabyrd1310 i hope you are okay
Yes I dropped a friend after giving her a second chance, after she said your so perfect, you think k you're so perfect ! Ok I dropped her off and never ta.ked to her again,just a user
I left, too. Best decision i ever made! It cost me so much though. He destroyed so much. But now, I'm getting it ALL back!
@@melissabyrd1310 Contact me!! Idk where you are, but you sound like me where I spent 15 YEARS IN HELL BEFORE I KNEW AND FOUND STRENGTH TO LEAVE!! IDK where you are logistically speaking, but even if you are in freakin' Siberia, I will find you help to PEACEFULLY get out of your abusive situation. I understand more than I can convey, and believe me, there's *NO* REASON* WHY* you should have to endure even one more day living in fear, anxiety and oppression. Please send me some kinda contact info here and I can help! 😘
Instead of them saying "I'm sorry for what I did." They will say, "I'm sorry that you feel this way."
If they can even say I'm sorry
Or I’m sorry you misunderstood. That is not an apology
Yes!!!
Yep they CAN NEVER SAY THEY WERE WRONG OR THEY ARE SORRY. ..... SCARY THING if they said they were sorry. I do not think it would be genuine. I would need to see actions, and yeah that ain't happening. :( I once tried to talk to my sister about her behavior from my childhood, how I was still affected by her behaviors and non behaviors....ALL SHE SAID WAS, oh I didn't know that STILL bothered you!!!!! Crickets ! There was: No remorse, no I'm sorry, no let's try to talk more about this, let me try to make up for my lack of caring while dad beating the hell out of you for nothing while I stood there and watched or listened. Yep. ....... Personally, I have felt guilty for walking away from these people, BUT now I just don't care. It's a sad thing, I really just avoid people now. I've had to just ignore or throw people away as their behaviors to me are so disrespectful and abusive. I mean it's like I try to blame myself and make excuses for them, that it's me cause that my DAD STILL HAUNTING ME....telling me how stupid I was, how I'd never amount to nothing, the hitting, the kicking etc. Co workers suck me in then turn on me, friends betray me and lie to me and use me, ex husband lie n cheat, now my own family treats me like I am poison, I SOUND LIKE THE VICTIM....I always say I feel like Jesus must have felt, while now it's all verbal after my dad, and only 1x ex hit me and I told him you do it again you'll be 6' under, after my dad's abuse I was not taking that ever again. But I just run from these .... abusers ..... I had a lady tell me once, they attack you cause they can't be you and they want you to become them. Now I just quit, walk away, PROBLEM IS I ATTRACT THEM LIKE HONEY TO A BEE. I get attacked over nothing, I get attacked cause they can't control me, I get attacked cause FOR SOME REASON, FRIENDS OR FAMILY, WANT TO SIDE WITH THE GUILTY PARTY OF A TOPIC OR ABUSE. ....... ONE family member has become this narcissist as they and the spouse are BOTH EXTREME narcissists to each other and their kids.. The kids now exhibit this same behavior and they allow it. The adults have screamed at me, ridiculed me in front of their kids. Their kids call me names and they DO NOTHING. As well, ONE HAS SAID, not to my face, but I overheard it unbeknownst to them: ( I AM ASSUMING THAT BECAUSE WE DONT AND CANT AGREE, OR I MAKE SUGGESTIONS TO FOOD CHOICES NOT TO HAVE FOR GET TOGETHERS, AND DOESNT RESPECT MY OPINION); THEY TELL THEIR SPOUSE DISTINCTLY, AFTER APPARRENTLY I WAS ON SPEAKER AND HE LISTENED TO WHOLE CONVERSATION AND HE SAYS SOMETHING I COULD NOT MAKE OUT, SHE RESPONDS TO HIM AND SAYS "THIS IS WHY I DONT TALK TO HER" .........YEP! and I live with this and IT GOES DEEP.....DEEP! 😢😞
This one really confused me the first time I heard it. How can someone else be sorry for my right to my own emotions. Followed by the silent treatment
I recently heard "Victims talk about the abuse, Abusers talk about the victim" and felt nothing has rung true more
Good way to put it.
Or they simply 'deny ever saying or doing it" or "you must have heard me wrong"...
Agreed. The taekwondo school I left is doing just that.
@@theresavanderveer9886 Yes!!!
Spot on!
As my father once told me …if a person really and truly loves a person, they won’t hurt them…
Well that leaves my parents out! 😂 I went no contact ages ago, so I can laugh about it.
Well, they might hurt them, but it won't be their goal and it won't make them feel good. What I find myself saying pretty often is a person who loves you doesn't abuse you. Love and abuse can't happen at the same time.
I agree with @EveningTV. I also love saying you can't truly hurt a person who doesn't love you. You can annoy them and physically hurt them sure, but you cant truly hurt them.
Love, or even just "like" or "respect"
That is not even realistic. Everyone gets hurt by their spouse at some point. The thing to be aware of is if they did or didn't mean to hurt you.
I think it can be dangerous to victims to say “they’ll never say sorry”..some narcissists have figured out that they DO need to apologize at certain times when they know they’re about to be exposed. They’ll apologize to reel you back in or make you question yourself, especially if you’ve ever accused them of being a narcissist before.
They'll apologize when they stand to gain from it.
Narc 'Apology': 'you made me do it'
Or they'll give you a non-apology: "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Mine used to "admit" to not being the sharpest knife in the drawer, and used to praise my intelligence, until it worked against him, and then I was, again, crazy. (I am Bipolar, so he gave me that double whammy....)
This is very true my husband who I suspect has this problem, he used to almost never apologize. That’s something that would really bother me through out our relationship. Recently he’s developed the skill of apologizing and that gave me a lot of false hope and confusion at first. Eventually it didn’t add up because nothing changes he just does the same behavior again like we never talked about it. I had to research what a real apology is for me to finally see through it. His apology is very much a shut em up technique. There’s usually no ownership if so it’s like “I’m a bad person I know” “I’m the worst person ever” sort of thing. I’m always on his ass he says. Then he might promise to change but he usually doesn’t. One of his favorite apologies is “I’m sorry I made you feel that way.” It’s very confusing. How I know to tell the difference is a real apology brings a solid change. A fake apology brings no changes.
To a narcissist, respect is only for them.
Oh my gosh yes!!!
They never say they are sorry even if you flat out tell them they hurt you.
This is a big one. I thought it was odd in my husband, but then my husband was off. Now I know this is the quickest way to spot a narcissist. They never genuinely apologize.
@@ellengrace4609 This is so true....I used to get "let's just forget about it"....never, ever heard the word "sorry"
My spouse with many narc tendencies - as soon as he’s disrespected me I call him out and he takes it back. Progress!
its hard enough for non-narcs it would be virtually impossible to genuinely apologise for a real narc.
Mines would say “ok”
As soon as I feel as though I’m being put on a pedestal, I’m out of there! I see the red flags early now and they are no longer red flags, they’re deal breakers! Thank you for your wisdom!!
Preach! Lol im like, BYE!
I'm a late learner. But thank goodness for youtube and Dr C. Now I see the red flags.
Here is an " eye Roller" for you Dr. C.;
I open a double door for a co-Worker& she said " CAROL YOU OPENED THE Wrong Side"!!! ( oh Brother!!!!!)!
I got swept up by a supreme love bomber. He sang my praises all the time. I came to learn the hard way: the higher the pedestal, the harder the fall. He’s forever raving about my good qualities when he’s trying to smooth things over. There’s never any admission of harm done, no “sorry”, nothing.
To anyone reading these without knowing the whole story would think he’s just the sweetest thing. I know better.
@@TheEmerald524 Tell me if you've heard this one before; "I'm SORRY that you feel (or act) that way!"
That's the closest thing to an apology from a narc.
#7 nailed it. they will never say "let's talk this out." nope. let's NOT EVER talk about it and hope you forget why you were mad.
years of piled up UNresolved issues. never resolve anything.
It is his way or the highway.
@🦋JahGirl 🦋 you're tight. Me and my wife used to talk out everything before we got married. No argument mattered because we could just talk it out.
I was so confused, because after we got married all of a sudden taking it out just made it worse and ended up with new arguments. Eventually I stopped trying to talk it out.
I eventually put it together, but the early talks made it hard to see what was happening, even made me think that I just wasn't talking it out properly like it was my fault.
they day over and over again, "you can't forget about anything"
I expressed a valid point the other day and was told, "I'm not going to get into a p*ss*ing match with you, Alyssa." It had been an adult conversation until he almost had to face something. Ok, so all conversations about our children over, I guess. Then that'll be wrong too. Can't win, but keep trying.
I love that dog sleeping on his couch!
me too, he looks sweet and peacefully sleeping
Narcissists project all the time. When they say something positive about themselves, they are actually talking about someone else's character, probably you. And when they say something negative about you, they are usually describing themselves.
My ex narcissist had a string of “crazy” ex’s. They were all nuts, let him tell it. Suffice it to say I found out who the real “crazy” was. Thank God I have joined the ranks of the “crazy” ex’s. I could not care less what he says about me as long as he stays away from me!🙌🏽
My favorite from an acquaintance is, "My ex wife used to spend Halloween riding around on her broomstick."
I feel the same with they can say what they like (cuz theyre going to anyway) as long as they stay away from me (too).
That's a good lesson learned though. When ALL their exes are crazy and treated them poorly, that's a big red flag 🚩
@@show_me_your_kitties excactly. Now I know what to look for according to red flags
AGREE!!!
I realised recently they want us to be an extension of them, not a equal individual
We only exist as an avatar in their minds. They get angry when the real person shows up and acts contrary to their fantasy person they’ve turned you into.
"It's all your fault!" "YOU are the problem!" Heard that yesterday 😒.
It horrible to be the scapegoat. I can relate. God bless you
That was all the time.
That's so classic it's not even worth of mentioning. Basically cliché at this point. That probably the first thing they learn in narcissist school :D
My mom would run into my room when she and my dad fought and yell ITS ALL YOUR FAULT! I was like, OK. I pretty much emotionally blocked her out all of my childhood.
My husband's variation on that was to walk around muttering "It's not my fault" whenever he was grumpy or tense. One of sooooo many phrases he said so often that it drove me up the wall.
My ex-husband used to proudly introduce me to his colleagues and clients as "my beautiful wife." In the beginning I thought he was genuinely proud, but he never, ever complimented me directly, and I finally realized that it was the "my" that was important to him. I was his prize. Not any more.
My life. Used to get compliments in front of people. NEVER any behind closed doors. Never wants to do anything with me anymore. Only did things with me in past if his friends were involved
@@hillary1161 Unfortunately this is my life.
The best thing for you and the worst thing for a Narc…ignore them, cut them off, and never go back.
Very true! ❤😊
My narc sister started a conversation on the phone with me about dieting. During the conversation, I mention a friend of mine who would cut back to 900 calories to lose weight. A day later, I get an email from her telling me that I shouldn't cut back that far on calories and that she knew all about extreme dieting. Then she went on to 'lecture' me about dieting. Not only did she deliberately take something about someone else and apply it to me, but she proceeded to tell me how I should be dieting even though I told her that I had just lost 75 pounds. She did this to me all the time. So glad I went no contact.
I have two narc sisters that I went no contact with so I can relate. It's sooooo very sad, but I'm glad to be awakened and no longer a scapegoat!! I AM FREE!!
hi A Renee - i get every word u said - frustrating isnt it.
People do just fine on a 1,000 calorie a day diet. Just make it real vegetables and fruits and grains. Congratulations on your success with the weight loss.
You’re views are valid and you matter ❤ Prayers for healing. It’s what I am praying for for myself.
I mean, she is right about 900 calories not being enough. If you do manage to lose weight on that little amount, you will most likely just gain it back. It’s much safer to create a sustainable lifestyle for weight loss
When you say something like "Oh my leg/head/arm/etc.. hurts a little bit" and the other one IMMEDIATELY diverts focus on HIS/HER (probably non-existent) pain, you can be sure it is a narcissist. They IGNORE everything you feel and make the situation all about them.
It's a combination of a lack of empathy and the need to stay superior.
@@SurvivingNarcissism definitely a combination of several different dysfunctions.
OH YEAH!, BIG TIME! Only they can be sick or not feel good. If you say your sick it becomes a competition and theu dont care or help you out if your sick.
Gosh that's a lot of people. I do not know why I attract these beings but I am a magnet.
I never understood why anyone would use the phrase "You think that's bad I...". It took me a while to wake up to the fact that a friend wanted to return the focus to her. I felt kind of stupid.
My all-time favorite, Dr. C:"Why can't you just move on?" Yep! Good one! The narcissist (s) love to minimize actual disasters of any kind and rationalize whatever they do, while maximizing and highlighting every single thing we do. Nothing is too small. Lol 🙃
That's it exactly and if you say ANYTHING no matter how nicely to them, you get a barrage of every single thing you've ever done. My mom even uses my toxic fathers traits and puts them on me. Then the next day they'll say they love you jn a sickly sweet way. Yet they hold grudges forever!
My soon to be ex-wife used a variation on this.
She hurt me exceptionally bad one time and then asked if I was going to be like this all night, when I backed off and got quiet.
They are the most honest and faithful people they know.
Good solid answer to a narcissist: I taught you everything you know, but I didn't teach you everything I know.
Say yep, it is time for me to move on, good bye.
"My ex was crazy a real nut job. The only reason the kids turned out so well is because of my parenting skills". The kids primarily lived with their dad. I finally met him at a holiday get together. He was the nicest guy. I was told he'd hate me, but we really hit it off. I think that was the beginning of the end. "What did he say about me?" Became her favorite question. We didn't discuss her at all. We had a lot of other common interests. And when it was over, each of the kids reached out to me. Narcissists don't have relationships, they take hostages. I think it's one of the most exhausting personality types. Unfortunately, people don't come with warning labels.
Stupid people aren't the only ones who should wear signs.
Gotta say, a good tactic to protect yourself from the narcist is to make yourself the the most boring person in the world to them. They quickly move on.
One comment I heard from my ex whenever I tried to explain why his actions and words were a problem was "Nobody thinks like you." As if I was the crazy one for having morals and ethics and considering the feelings of others.
That is a Falacia ad populum (in Latin, I don't know in English; falacy?
It's like saying: everyone says that... which is a lie since no one but that person is saying it.
They use all kinds of falacias.
Rite like how do they know, they carrying the world statistic of thought process in their hands , when ppl say shit like this to me I say sure cite your sources where are the parties that don’t or do think this way, let me speak to them. Had a group member pull this shit with me everyone is saying this about you, I asked him who is everyone give me names I will ask them myself, radio silence after that.
Bingo.
Yes! My narc said this all the time!
@@rpmmoth712 I think you’re on to something… 🤔
#4, his ex was crazy. can it be that she was fine at first, and after living with HIM, she was crazy by the end?
Mine told me he could mess with my mind so bad that I could be committed. It helps when you know who they are, but I'm not the same person I use to be.
@@melissamorgan3803 I believe there was a quote by Maya Angelou, "When someone shows you who they are believe them."
"You made me do it."
I lied to you because I knew you would get upset. lol...
Yep, everything bad was MY FAULT!!!
"Miles/you made me hurt you."
If the above line is a lie, she's a villain, and if it's somehow the truth, she could still go berserk at any moment by the whims of an absent bully. And she thinks that she's ideal leader material. If that ain't delusional, I don't know what is.
I declare myself as a "narciphobic" person....I can't tolerate them anymore.
I'm Identifying as Anti-narcissist because there is NO FKN Way I am exposing more fear to them.
I have finally decided.. "I am not gonna join their many monkeys!!! I am done."
Heard all of those. The most common is "I don't want to argue with you, or all you wanna do is argue." Was constantly told that when confronting them, or was simply trying to resolve an issue. It made me feel like I had serious issues. I realized it wasn't me when I was around others who weren't toxic.
I just heard the all you wanna do is argue. And then when I called out his bad actions again he didn’t even respond to the actions. He just discarded me cause I’m “so unreasonable” but I found it funny that I was the unreasonable one. It’s always our reactions that are the problems and never their actions that led to those reactions. It’s funny cause same as you, when I’m around others I never seem to have these issues but yet was told over and over it was all me.
Oh, yeah. Variation on, "You just want to make yourself unhappy."
Same here
Yep.this is the biggest flag for me.
I was told this randomly when I would call him and he was in front of his parents. He’d actually like he was pleasing with me that he didn’t want to argue with me, when really I called to tell him things about the child he only acknowledged when he wanted to. Lol. There was no arguing at all, I was actually letting him know his son had bumped his head that day and get another opinion. You can’t do that with a narc!
I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to have a heart-to-heart talk with someone, who promised that we’d talk soon, but it never happened.
Same here!
Heart to heart? How about Heart to heartless? I poured my guts out to my narc ex about why I was so unhappy in our marriage, citing numerous incidents which he could not possibly deny. After about 10 minutes of my outpouring his reply was, "Well, my friends won't come over anymore because you've alienated them all."
@@natalievitrano8251 I’m so sorry.
WHY wait?? just say what you have to say. dont wait around for them to get it. there's plenty reasoning people out there who already get it
They usu say that to blow you off! They never intended to broach any such issue/concern you ever had in the first place.
I never said that
I never did that
That never happened
You know I didn't mean it
I was just joking
Nobody thinks like you
Everyone knows/ thinks/ says...( Except you of course 🤣)
If it wasn't for ME...blah,blah,blah..
They don't make them like me anymore ( 😁)
Okay this one takes the cake...!!
My x summed up our marriage with this statement ( still on repeat)
" You never even tried to see eye to eye with me"
I'm so glad that's hilarious now but I wanted to pull my eye balls out back then 🤣
My NM said those same phases.
Hang in there girl. You, like most people, have not seen your full potential. You are capable of doing things far beyond what you might think. Don’t let anyone pull you down. 😊😊😊
Yep!
Especially, " I never said that "!
Truth doesn't mean much to them generally.
My ex husband used to say exactly the same "we don't need eye to eye, we're not on the same page". It was rather "I don't see eye to eye with HIM and not on the same page as HIS page". He couldn't care less about my feelings. He was so dismissive and said that I don't pamper and listen to him like I used to (after I started to get tired of his bullying and anger tantrums and started to stand up to myself.
Anything phrases that shift the blame from the narcissist to the other person
They don't like to take accountability for their actions
I used to get "you're too sensitive" a LOT, but those people are no longer in my life. 😁
I'm a narcissist in therapy and you've made a great point about when narcissists do admit their fault (or more like pretend to admit), but then only use it to stop the other person from being mad at them. That's something I'm currently working on. Very often, even when I understand that I'm in the wrong, I do believe that there's some sort of limit that the person has to have in being mad at me. And if I interpret their reaction as "too much", I often forget how rude I was just 10 minutes ago and start defending myself. It's like the flick of a switch. And then the person have to remind me how bad it was for them in order to bring me back. I'm progressively getting better at recognizing my tunnel vision and not losing it during the argument. At first I had to deal with severe anger inside myself, but now it's more like an irritation and is more controllable.
Honesty is such an essential ingredient for therapy. I'm glad you're grinding it out...I wish you the best.
Please explain how do you “forget” what’s happening in real time
@@samanthawilliams5520 Narcissism is a defense mechanism. And every argument is a fight for survival for a narcissist. It works sorta like a real fight: when you're in a fight, you don't think who started it, how you got there, who's wrong, who's right etc. You just try to kick the other persons ass and don't let them to kick yours, because there's no time for anything else. The problem with narcissists is that they fight everybody, even though nobody's attacking them.
@@MrFahrenheit2k appreciate your response. when I’m in a fight I do think about all those things because it determines how I fight. I can’t fight without 1st confirming I’m indeed under attack. the last statement recalls Proverbs 28:1 - “The wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous are bold as a lion.” Wrong strives to stay undetected but truth, good, etc is permanence and can just exist without fear of being seen, known and vulnerable.
It’s letting principle lead decision making and not self interest. Which principles do you submit to?
@@samanthawilliams5520 Narcs skip the part when they need to think whether they're in a fight or not. They think in black and white: "either I'm a winner or I'm a loser". There's no middle ground, they can't fathom that not everything is a competition. So, a narcissist always either plays victim or being an abuser. And even though I understand that, I'm still doing exactly that.
I do not follow principles. I like to claim I do, I like to fool myself into thinking I do, but I don't. My actions speak louder, and they say I'm very self-centered and have no care for others. My current efforts are focused on changing that.
After cutting the narcissists from my life...I'm alone..but definitely not lonely.
When confronting my in-laws about what I did to make them hate me so much they claimed I was welcomed into their family with open arms 😱 In fact I've never been treated so awful by people in my life. I'm so glad I have your videos Dr. C I don't know what I'd do without them!
Perl Girl, I understand your pain, because that's where I'm at. A lot of videos focus on narcissistic abuse in romantic relationships. Having narcissistic personality disordered in-laws is a painful, lonely place that don't get talked about enough!
I feel u. Some of my in-laws hate me & hate the fact that I laugh at them. They can't get under my skin!
You were gaslit big time ! I'm so sorry you experienced that!
Totally with you. Same. It’s because they can’t control you the same as they can with their son or daughter. They say I’m negative. It’s because you have boundaries. Am glad you do. X
LOLLL that's what my sister in laws both said, "what do you mean??"
I was so excited, thinking I was going to have this big loving family, but I never got to actually be authentic with any of the in-laws. It turns out I wasn't safe being authentic and vulnerable w my ex husband, either.
"You have no idea what you're talking about", classic. I've heard this so many times.
I heard it yesterday & when I responded w that’s dismissive & hurtful, the conversation deflected into what’s wrong w me for being so sensitive lol.
And they never prove that they do. Quite the opposite, in fact!
Thanks for your wisdom. Your advice helps us feel better by giving us courage to believe in ourselves. Sometimes there's so much confusion that we can't make sense of. Your clarification gives us healthy direction.
You said it. There really is so much confusion and brainwashing. ABUSE.
They keep shifting things so they feel better. You’re a pawn on a chessboard!
Definitely, this channel has helped me so much. The on fusions and cognitive dissonance had reached crazy proportions the rumination, all far far less now. I now know why I am where I am in life and very sick due to 57 years being on the receiving end of this from a vulnerable victim martyr narc. Being loyal and empathetic and them being so vulnerable all I wanted to do was protect them. Doing that ruined my life. The aha moment was when they were not loyal empathetic when I need them most. It's taken a lot for my anger to reduce. Still dealing with narcs and ill health but my mental health has clarity all thanks to dr. C. And team healthy ✌
My favorite was hearing her say“ there is nothing wrong with me , the only problem I have is you “ and “ no one else thinks like you do “ and my all time favorite “ why don’t you go see if anyone wants you “
So I did !
Good for you!
I’ve been shouted at repeatedly that the only problem they have is me. Work is fine, everything is fine, I’m the only issue. When I ask what I’m doing so I can change or stop it, no answer. I’m just the problem. They don’t need help, they don’t have any issues, it’s all me. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been told they’d throw me out with just my car keys and what I’m wearing. And when I was going to walk out they said “where exactly are you going to go?”
I’m starting to see things clearly now.
I had -The only thing wrong with this marriage is you won't do exactly as I say.
Oh my! How awful. My husband said to me “everyone thinks you’re difficult!” And I asked him “who? Who said that I’m difficult?” He couldn’t think of anyone. I’m glad you got away!!!
Say “no” and see how they react. Also, pay attention to how they treat people that can’t do anything for them
the no one works a treat. say no 3 times they hate it
Or when they take their own perception of a situation and you explain what really happened they will turn the no on you . Then accuse you of being mad that they said no. And your the narc. Be careful with the no thing they do it to you and gaslight you with it.
Thank you again Dr. Carter. Too many years I was with my ex narc. It finally ended with a physical attack against me last summer. No contact from that time forward. Listening to you has helped a great deal. Best wishes to you.
Listening to you is like a warm hug, Dr. Carter. You are so comforting and bring sanity to chaos and pain and confusion. I love your sweet, sleeping dog, too.
How kind!
Have you ever encountered so many narcissists in your life that you think that "I might actually be the narcissist?" That's where I'm at. I am so positive all the time and think the very best about Everyone all the time...being blindsided and speechless.
With you there.
Most people on earth aren’t people at all, they are demons. Stay strong and keep praying 🙏🏼
Does the light bulb begin to think it's a bug because that's what it attracts every night?
the way i look at it - our boundaries (the few we were allowed to have) were so often ignored growing up that we have no concept of even having a right to them. Narcs are like raptors at the fence (Jurassic Park) they are constantly testing everyone's fence with micro-aggressions and boundary incursions and then they stick with the people who they can control and influence more. You are not attracting them, they are constantly looking and childhood abuse make sure these creatures have a constant supply. the Narcs in our childhood primed us to be supply by other Narcs when a parent is supposed to strengthen their child, not weaken them. it is the betrayal that keeps on hurting.
@@MiriamWalsh-s3s gurllllll u said it. They prime is for abuse by other narcs. This shit is evil on SOO many levels
Another one, “it’s not my fault.” No accountability on their part.
You think you're perfect.
I know what you're really like.
It's your fault I did it.
You're equally to blame.
Don't take this the wrong way but ...
You know I love you.
It's always got to be your way.
Constantly projecting🤣🤣
"I let you have your way with everything"
"Don't you think I compromise"
At this point I couldn't even answer I was so shocked at how full of crap he was.
This made me flash on having a baby. I could see his irritation @ the lion's share of attention geared toward me and the newborn, for 2 days in hospital. When it was time to leave, Mum & child are required to be transported to a waiting vehicle via wheelchair for liability reasons. He didn't like that and uttered, 'I think you can walk!' He rec'd a nice dressing down from nursing staff, which I had to say was kind of amusing! What a giant baby.
After a hospital procedure my 80 year old mom after I fainted and was laid down as told to by the nurse, she told me to get up and walk around because all the other ppl who had had that procedure were fine. That trust it to be me! Guess I was embarrassing her!!
I had the same scenario exactly!
Oh girl, my ex was the same and he turned our son too. I hope you learn sooner than later.
Please don’t stay with that person.
@@rockjockchick He's history.
Explicit phrase:
1. You are absolutely amazing.
2. You’ve never had a more loyal supporter than me.
3. Do you realize how ridiculous you sound?
4. My ex was absolutely crazy.
5. Why can’t you just move on?
6. You are the most selfish person I know. (It’s virtually always projection)
7. You’re just too sensitive/over-reacting.
8. You have no idea what you’re talking about.
Hidden meaning:
1. I want the gifts/influence that come with you.
2. You cannot question my motives.
3. My opinion is the only one that matters.
4. I’m a chronic victim. It’s who I am.
5. I don’t want to talk about my negatives. Please don’t make me accountable.
6. I can’t tolerate you having a mind of your own.
7. You need to quit having your emotions/needs.
8. I’m the keeper of truth, not you.
Excellent
💯
I would tell my Narc Sister a fact. Her response would be , “ I don’t know about that”. So, I would say, “ I’m not ASKING you, I’m telling you!”. She loves to demean and gaslight. I’ve had her blocked on my phone since the middle of January. My life is so peaceful now!!!
What a jerk!
My husband is just like that.
My narc husband has taken to googling things that I say in order to prove me wrong. So far he's only failed.
had to cut off my younger brother after years of gaslighting. the peace of mind is unreal i agree and once i learned that hard lesson i can handle strangers more easily. the irony is that my brother would say he taught me a vital lesson so its ok for him
Had the same with my parents until I stopped talking at home. As a teenager, I quoted from the latest radio news and got told off for talking stupid as always. Then I turned on the radio news.
Of course, the narc brain forgets that quickly. But it did me good.
Stay strong.
Thank you
I was married to a disaster for 47 years, until his death. He destroyed me and although he has been dead for 11 years, he still lives in the back of my brain. My salvation lies in my children. Although our relationships are not perfect, they are kind people.
Katie, What a positive opportunity to now learn who YOU are and find out what you want in life. Keep watching the videos and growing into the beautiful person that you are.
Time DOES heal. Research … how to “let go.” After all, you don’t want anything from that person anymore! Not understanding. Not validation. Nothing. When you start thinking about it, stop yourself with “mindfulness” and you will find that your mind will move on! Take a trip, smile and be happy. Mine is dead too. I used to “relive” episodes. No more. He does affect me any longer.
Knowlege about narcissism through people like you dr Carter, saved my sense of being. My brother is the covert, my father the overt narcessist and my mum the flying monkey. I went no contact. They sacrefied a sister and a daughter. I am sad but way better off. So thank you. My focus now, is my live with people who do care about me...there are plenty of them. 3 rotten apples will not ruin my life anymore
Thanks for these reminders! I'm just getting out of a long-term marriage to a narc. I thought I was over being involved with this type of person only to realize that a "friend", someone I've known for many years, has revealed themselves to be the same. This person had always been a little difficult, so I just chalked it up to bad social skills before understanding narcissism. Devaluing, of myself and others, had always been part of the conversations coupled with love bombing, even w/i the same sentence. It always left me confused. Recently, after confiding in them, that person used some of the phrases mentioned here against me in a conversation. They went way out of their lane. It was very devaluing and shocking. I was so surprised by it that I forgot to use the JADE technique to try to shut things down. I told my therapist that I had never been talked to like that ever in my life by anyone. It was quite a disheartening experience.
Yes, these situations make one feel like who can they trust to be themselves with. I am more sensitive and guarded than ever I was before.
Similar situation here. Googled behaviors.Long time friends..then realized husband had many traits, as well. Year plus into education, therapy..mind blowing experience to say the least. Thank you Dr. Carter! My faith in God sustains me. It's a tough journey
@roxannetaitano1490 Yes, same here. This recent friend betrayal hits hard. 🤧
I've been burned enough to now know that the way people talk about others to you will be the exact same way they will end up talking about and treating you even if you believe that you are best friends. I was friends with someone that enjoyed gossip and getting in other's business but I kind of looked past it as annoying but she ended up horribly stabbing me in the back. I will never ignore those traits in another person again.
Sadly I lost an 18 year relationship with a couple who I would have called mentors. They shunned me as soon as I separated in house. We often find that people in our circle were being groomed as enablers behind our backs by the narcs victim story. I have mostly new friends now.
A crazy trippy one.
"How can you be soo cold and show no emotions? I want to see some emotions when we argue."
This is when they are throwing you rage, word salad, gaslighting and all the other goodies of manipulation and you are trying to process all of it step by step and get to the bottom of the matter. When you are listening but keeping your focus on the initial trigger that erupted the rage, and actually being emotionally mature.
2. I'm always critical about things.
3. You want a cheerleader, not the truth.
4. Thats not even important, how could you make me feel this way.
5. I know what you truly meant.
6. You are soo boring.
7. You can never do that because you are just incapable.
Basically anything that describes YOU like as if the speaker authoritatively knows YOU better than you know yourself screams Narcissism.
Thankyou, I've had All of these Yelled at me. (Adult Daughter)
Sounds like you're referring to, "emotionality" rather than emotion. Emotionality is confusing. Emotion is obvious. Emotion is connection, a willingness to share your feelings. Emotionality is just all over the place and it excludes others.
Well...until dealing with someone in denial and/or trying to get over on you? That doesn't scream narcissism absolutely, rather, it screams Defense Mechanism OR Narcissism of the one in "denial", perhaps? Maybe it is two low-level narcs meeting head-to-head? This stuff is very complicated to sort through.
LISTENING is not hot or cold, it is a path to learning, to be more objective. If that is important to you, then it's important to me
@@mthomas3547 Some emotions are obvious to some lucky ones. Some emotions we hide from ourselves, like when we deny our own needs and motives. Internal struggle with our core beliefs, or with society's models of exploitation- these support the confusion of emotionality
Nobody stops Narcissists. Nobody. People love them and let them control everything.
So true ! They can say whatever they want but as soon as you say anything back they reject you .
Waiting with curiosity, a few phrases come to mind...
"you do not trust me"
"You are crazy"
"You're making a drama about an unimportant matter"
Phrase these people don't say, or say without honesty:
"Let's talk"
Ohh GOOOOOD one's!!! I'll add mine to yours here:
--You're OVER exaggerating
--You don't want to be around me??? 😭
--You misunderstood
--I said "I MIGHT!"
--I was JUST JOKING!!!
--I DIDN'T KNOW!!!
add this phrase to their arsenal “ you can’t get along with anyone. “
I feel like I've said a few of things back at my covert ex after constant erroneous accusations and being extremely controling and sensitive..... I'm constantly questioning, if I myself am a narcissist... But, I eventually just stopped responding to her saying these things.. Which made things even worse. She'd pick fights out of thin air, gaslighting and saying things that never happened. It got to the point where I'd record things (without her knowing) or have to go back to the camera footage in the house to prove her wrong. And when I did, she'd find something else random to argue about. Usually something minor I did to mess up in the past.. I'd just stonewall, and wouldn't engage at that point. I'd simply say, "if I'm so terrible, why do yo even want to be here."... After the last argument and she threatened to pack/leave (which she did every fight)... I finally said... "please do." She was floored and kept asking "are you sure this is what you want? Once I'm gone I'm gone."....i just kept watching TV and said, "Thank you."
What a tumultuous 8 months. And the aftermath is even more confussing... Lol..but, this too shall pass.
I love you and many other you deserve better
Love your story and I'm so glad you were strong enough to stand up for yourself. Took me awhile to do that. I finally told him, "Go mind f&+k someone else". They are awful!!
Good on you! The indifference not only communicates that you've had a gutful of the trauma cycle, but also that you are moving on. Nothing is more crushing to the narc than being of no consequence and losing that supply. Stay no contact, hang in there, it will get better.
Just last evening. Had that very thought: "If I'm a psycho and as crazy and self-centered as you say I am, why are you always telling me I don't spend enough time with you - don't appreciate all you do for me - accuse me of only spending time with people who tell me how good I am and don't confront me with the truth about myself"? That last phrase was a new one. There's always a new 'truth' about myself I'm baffled to hear.
Good for you! Well done! I greatly love the "thank you" part, superb.
(This sounds imo like a mini version of the Johnny Depp & Amber Heard interactions at the end of their relationship when he finally booted her out of his life?
Funny how insane people are so random, yet not. Pathology is so predictable in the end?)
I come from a family that had multiple narcissistic abusers, and I grew up hearing variations of most of these phrases. One of these relatives was a raging narcissistic aunt who, whenever anybody dared to state a thought that she disagreed with, would shout, "Don't be so silly!!"
“You’re crazy,” “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” and “What are you so sensitive.” Just variable forms of “Don’t be silly.” All dismissive and invalidating.
HUGS and prayers for healing.
My mother's go-to putdown! It was amazing, the amount of scorn and contempt she could get into four words.
We must be related.😭
Very often, advice is about "how to deal with a narcissistic partner" or "how to deal with a narcissistic parent" which ignores the totality of being raised in a family full of toxic patterns of behaviour, including from sibling(s) and I wonder how many people have had to deal with all that, on their own rather than just having the one narcissist to cope with.
Thank you for putting these information videos out so victims can begin to realize that they are in a highly toxic environment and they are not crazy. Trust your gut! I get triggered listening to these but it's important for me to continue to heal from a trauma bond from a 23 year marriage that I'm no longer in. You are worthy and you CAN do this!
Thanks for these good words, Sherri!
I just broke up with a narcissist. It took me 3 years to finally realize I wasn't the problem. He used all 8 of these phrases.
I eventually want videos about narcissism to fall off my algorithm, because the constant watching of them maybe hindering my recovery a little bit. Hiw much more information do I really need to convince myself I made the right choice by leaving 🤣
But the few channels follow have been integral to help vent, and realize it's just how insane they are. So, on the days Im reminiscent of the good times and wondering what more could I have done? These are a great reminder... There was NOTHING I could have done. If it wasn't the fight I diffused on Saturday and we were okay for Sunday... The fight a month down the road would have caused it. So, it would have just delayed the inevitable. They cannot be fixed.
Never underestimate the strenght it takes to get away. These video's are our lifeline.
Getting out is easy but staying out is not.
Take care
Omg I know what you mean! I like to watch these videos, but I end up with a stomach ache or a headache after a few because the content is so true to my life, but I can’t leave. 😢 I end up feeling worse instead of being more validated.
"Because I can" is one of my ex's favourites. He walks away from the conversation without having to engage in it or answer anything.
" I AM AN ADULT "!!!!
Another classic
So many people have experienced the same situations and it's been so difficult up till now to be heard and validated. These eye-opening talks and confessions are such a blessing, as we finally dare to learn and develop personally in a healthy manner. Special thanks to you, Dr Carter, for your super helpful content!!
I grew up with a narcissist mother and sister, then dated a few narcissists before I caught on. These TH-cam videos have been a blessing. Now I'm able to see the signs from very early on and am able to avoid them. Thank you for your work!
My husband told me the day my mother died- “everyone’s mom is going to die” I can never forget this
Horrible thing to say😢
My gosh, this is so heartless
A narcissist can't feel your pain. They don't even see you except to the extent that you are meeting (or not meeting) THEIR NEEDS.
@@bigtex4058 that’s exactly how I feel but he tells me it’s not true.
@@hardhatcatboi How is your plan coming along for leaving? It’s best to plan VERY carefully and leave no evidence. Don’t tell anyone unless you trust them with your life. Depending on how long you have been with him, it can take a very long time to unravel the twisted mess he has created in your brain and way of thinking. I was with mine 35 years and it took about a year to even begin to feel normal. I had no idea how much he had affected and changed me. But trust me, leaving is so worth it.
“I will never tell a lie…I promise.” “It’s you not me.” “I don’t know how you’ll survive without me.” “You’re a bad person!” “You’re being sensitive.” “You’re imagining things!” 🙉😵💫
I have heard similar phrases, "You are not able to survive without me!" 🙉
And the list goes on. 😮😮😮
@@richardlandis793 Yes, I can think of quite a few myself
I’ve been told and had all these scenarios in my current situation. Plus the use of the idea loyalty from them.
I'm reading Nineteen Eighty Four. The mental,torture that O'Brien inflicts on Winston is in a way worse than the physical one.
They also use #2 to convince you that others feel differently, so that you will feel that they are the ONLY one who appreciates/ likes you.
I've heard a different version of this. When my ex narc would try to prove a point, she'd say "ask anyone, everyone knows this"....implying that i'm the only idiot who doesn't understand what she's saying. Mind you, she'd make totally absurd claims about me with ZEEEERO backup....accusation are made out of thin air with zero basis, but trying to get to the objective truth is impossible. They'll say anything to dance around the subject when questioned.
I became a medical assistant at 49 years old. I have learned I don't fit in because EVERY office I worked in, people couldn't get past their own ego's. I'm studying nutrition now, and I will work for myself and ACTUALLY do some good! No one wants a person that might outshine them. There are so many narcissists in medicine, it's heartbreaking! I just wanted to help people, but they couldn't stand that I had a personality.
Every last office was loaded with problem-people? Imagine.
Disney lover, your name implies that you have a certain childishness about you. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. And I like Disney, too, some of it. I like Disneyland. But I'm digressing. Are you sure there is not room for self-comptemplation here?
Your empathy and kindness towards others is what the medical industry needs right now. Don't let yourself be discouraged. You were not hired for looks.
If I thought everyone was toxic around me... The first thing I'd think after that is I am probably mistaken. And I would would continue to strive to deliver excellent service. (I was a CMA. I know that this field can only function in accuracy, top ethics, and empathy.) It is so important what you do. You are certainly needed and appreciated. I am not in the profession anymore; but only because God took me out to put me in another place.
@@firstptr3and10_ Oh baloney. She can do as much good in nutrition as anywhere else. She doesnt' have to stay in a bad place and get beat up just because the industry can't fix it's own inadequacies.
Fix the narcissistic system, then invite them back.
You WERE a CMA. Got tired of the narcissists calling your job "butt-wiper" I suppose. No wonder you're trying to rope someone else in to do it.
Your love-bombing is too obvious: "you are awesome."
You freaking Narcy.
Is this perhaps the pot calling the kettle a narcissist? Sounds kind of familiar.
TheDisneyLover123, are you doing a master's in nutrition and aiming for RD? I am considering this path and come from a similar background as you, contemplating mainstream medicine but not every part of it sitting well with me.
They will argue to the death, and must have the last word no matter how wrong they are! It’s unbelievable and so draining dealing with them, not worth it.
I'm a female who was befriended by a female at a social group. She was 100% a narcissist. Everything was to her advantage, nothing in return. She ending up dumping me because her dog loved me and showed it.
Horrible individual
The dog was like “save me please!” LOL
The dog was like “save me please!” LOL
He actually was because he was used to being hit in the face 😔
That’s so sad 😮
@@DivineOne-lt3wf Yes, if I could have taken him legally, I would have.
Variations on "you are amazing!" is really common among southern US women. Some are genuinely kind, thank goodness. The ones who aren't are like what that came out of the south end of my cats, coated in saccharine. Then there's the put down followed by "bless her heart", as if that makes it all right to trash talk others. I've got to physically and psychologically clean out the litter boxes every day.
I had my older sisters tell me "oh you do go on" when I was merely expressing my response to their gaslighting, self-victimisation and so on. They couldn't handle it cause I'd never really questioned them before. They'd always manipulated me and stepped all over my boundaries - I'm 11 years younger than the middle sister, so it was just 'natural' for them to control me 😒
Also ''THATS YOUR VERSION OF THE TRUTH'' or 'what is truth'?''
Every narcissist is watching this, taking notes & will never use these phrases again. So just remember the exact wording is not the point. The point is always control. So set your boundaries
You nailed it. They will do it very subtle at first but your intuition will catch it. Listen to your inner voice, I wish I had done it sooner.
No.They do not recognize themselves. They would never "be taking notes"
This may not apply; but, a wonderful Teacher I had once taught us that…
Always be careful when encountering someone who is too ‘nice’; as far as the pendulum swings in one direction, it swings equally in the opposite direction.
A lesson we should all remember.
Thanks for reminding me of her and the lesson!
🙂
That makes so much sense. I'm always leery of the over-smiler.
my mil to a t! always a fake smile plastered on her face. very put on and makes me feel so uneasy!
Very good advice!
Brilliant teacher! I had one say something like that too! She’s like “No one is THAT nice…”
Completely agree its strange + approach with caution... however, there is more than one reason people behave like that. I had a friend who previous did not act that way, but became like this ( generally 'overpleasing') after some bad personal experiences - maybe some sort of generalised over-fawing, trying very very hard in every situation, in order to feel safe and appreciated by others. Her earlier confidence had dwindled to almost nothing after being around some seriously unpleasant people.
So, unless you already know the person, you dont know if its a narc perp, or a previous target, you are facing.... so you have to be cautious untill you understand more clearly.
I seem to never be able to catch you live! 😓 Trying!
What time zone are you in? He does the 15 minute prerecorded ones on Monday, Thursday, and Saturday at 10am USA Central (GMT -6), and the Wednesday live stream is an hour later (11am USA Central).
If you subscribe, you should get notice of an upcoming stream (a little over a day early, then again at 30 minute warning, and yet again at stream start.
Hope to see you join in live chat soon. It will likely feel like a virtual hug. Or at least a knuckle bump. Or even an upnod.
Dont we all have ,u tube, im glad i can catch the Doc ,on time, sometimes i dread it, cause its real bad truth, thats my problem, my good old flying monkeys days or over. ,before i was begging for mercy, the narcissist can cut deep, i seen it ,with good people, cause a narcissist, is in control, its a nasty, thing, hec i turn into non human, i live with my mistakes, my disgusting actions, the narcissist can take your humanity, hec mine, killed her husband, cause of, indulgence of sex, the husband, a normal, she raped him, than she married him, put this way, he was very normal, working man, he hanged himself with a rope, yea the horror the narcissist is about, hec my narcissist almost killed or dad. ,with just signing papers from the hospital, my dad was just in rehab, he was not on his death bed, but she signed a paper, to let him die, i watched pure horror from, a so called good church human, all her life, playing church, every church in Texas, my flying monkey days or gone im gone, cause i turn on my own family, it killed me. to be against someone i love, the Doctor says, he cares for us, thank ya Doctor, it hurts, i dont need my dummy sister, to be like this, my sister has abused sex. ,she tried to have sex with me her sister, cause your boyfriend was a whore. and he needs to watch two girls, two sisters, Lord, please help me, i turned on someone i love, it took 60, years, ,watching this unfold, i tell ya, the robot child. , im a no good human, but i cant go that far, not caring for right and wrong, i hate this, yea so i turned, im lost, i dont have kids, i think my mom, was this way, my mom, had no mom, so what she didn't teach us life skills, my heart, my brain taught me my insight. my awareness, i played flying monkey, cause i love my family, now i play, i had enough, like keep messing with me, my devil side dont play, yea the devil won, he destroyed my family, she does this, cause of character disorder, the nasty, the narcissist will destroy a normal human, my mom, was not bent, i got the traits, but im not, bent, my mom was just a innocent person, she didn't have that control thing, i seen enough, the comments or very right, my narcissist was big time out of control way bent on every level and the whole time, wearing a mask
Depends what country they're in. I have my device off in the dead of night when these vids come through.
"I am always honest I tell it like it is" and "I have so much empathy". You learn that if someone has to say this about themselves over an over its usually not true! If you have these qualities you don't need to tell people.
"I'm a straight shooter" was always something my narc sister would say. Also "I'm just being truthful".
Yes, the old "I'm just being honest" bs. My sister used to use that one all the time. Your hair looks like crap. Have you gained some weight? Why would you wear that? Everytime I saw her. She always said she is just a very honest person. Now, if the roles were reversed, all hell would break loose. So happy that I don't have to deal with her anymore!!
Ughh that "just being honest" drives me nuts, just an excuse to say mean, rotten things. Why is it honesty always negative? I asked mine once, he didn't know what to say. He says it as though he deserves a trophy, I'm brutally honest, honest to a fault, I tell it like it is! Yet, he's so very thin skinned that even the slightest hint of criticism will send him into a rage!
My narc sister "You don't appreciate me." Me "Of course I do, I love you." Sister: "You love me, but do you like me?"...
@@sahdogwrangler5594 Many years ago, after we received one negative letter after another from my FIL, I wrote to him and TOLD him, "If you don't have anything positive to say about us, please don't write." So, he didn't. Stopped writing entirely. Probably the only honest thing I ever saw him do in a personal relationship!
He wrote what he did in the first place because I consistently stood up to his self-righteous, self-exalting sermons aimed at us by unapologetically speaking / writing MY mind on any issue under discussion. Arrogant man who was deaf to any ideas other than his own. He's ten-years-dead now, but his narc legacy still lives on in his adult children. Narcissism is genuinely a curse.
I have absolutely heard some of these statements from a narcissist. A man who was in a position of authority said these things to myself and my husband. He used a written threat towards my family and then used a hard discard to run from his inappropriate behavior. Narcissists are evil soul suckers that love the control but once they are confronted run for cover.
After you let them know what they have done to hurt you… they respond. “ I’m sorry you feel that way”. Not, I’m sorry my actions made you feel that way.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” = “Sorry-not-sorry”.
Another phrase is " I need you, I love you ". Actually, they hate you, they really don't love you. The only thing they "need" is your submission to them so they can continue to abuse you and control you. I hear a whole lot more phrases from my situation. Can't stand it anymore.
So accurate!
Weird that they want all of the power and control and will fight you tooth and nail for it but when things go wrong it's all your fault. Wait, weren't they the ones leading everyone in the first place? 🤔
You just described my 38 yr old twin sons.
Lol, excellent point.
I wanna say thank you for not bogging your videos down with commercials. It can be frustrating when there are a lot of ads as I am trying to listen while working.
? ? Y. ???
I recently have turned my back on a friendship of forty six years. She ticked every narcissistic box including saying things like ‘you’re just too sensitive’ She liked to always play the victim and devalued me at every opportunity. I don’t see myself as a weak person, but for some reason I just put up with it. It’s just a relief to be free of her.
Oh my god, l have experienced everything you have quoted
When you say you put up with you did not want to engage in an argument, as a narcissistic person will not stop until you literally agree with them,you can not win the argument as they are always right, hence the saying "you put up with it", I've done it, till I called this person out and cut ties with her. Its a relief as I never knew how I was going to find her in a discussion. Now I do not have anything to do with her, she is telling all her "flying monkeys" untruths. You are safe in the knowledge of your not going crazy, these people have crazy minds.
Sylvia, that’s exactly what she did. If I disagreed with her she would immediately shout at me until I backed down and at every opportunity she would sneer and belittle me. It’s hard to understand why I put up for it for so long but looking back I was well and truly gaslighted. In the end I just made myself always too busy to see her. We’re members of the same club, one I unfortunately proposed her to, so I had to do it in a way there’s no conflict and all I can say six months down the line it was the best thing I did.
Linda, you end up thinking is it just me feeling this way about this toxic person? Then one day, took me forty six years, you wake up and smell the coffee. It wasn’t easy but as time goes on, it feels good. No more lying down in a darkened room after seeing her 😂
Sounds like a "friend" I dropped when I was in my 20s. We were "friends" as teens. The reason I was drawn to that personality, I did comparisons. She's just like my narc mother.😖 glad to hear you got out.💛
Whenever someone starts to say to me (Red Flag) “you need to …” I stop them mid sentence and say I don’t need to do anything and that usually shuts the narcissist up.
I love checking out where Gus is at. He rarely sleeps on the blanket...taking advantage of the comfy sofa while Dad is busy. Super cute!
Me- me- me x 2 + 2
Narcissism has its own basic -math 🤓
“I’m always clear, concise, and consistent” when in-fact he was none of those things
Being reality based is not a strong suit for narcissists.
Their logic trumps yours... until you beat them at their own game. Then they run to your original argument to "win."
Rather the opposite of consistent, if you ask me.
My narc sister will pop up with the most condescending comments like "Good for you," or "Wow, you recognized that about yourself." We are both in our 60's and she still delivers this garbage. She will never recover from her delusional belief that she is better than every other person on the planet.
"We can agree to disagree" when you know deep down that they actually mean i am right and you are wrong.
Ohgosh YAAS! My grandiose malignant narcissists husband's phrase to get out of making any decisions to improve or repair our home yard and vehicles. It's his AUTOMATIC avoidance response
It's so condescending, I hate it! I may be younger, but I'm not the child she thinks I am.
As a normal person, I can’t imagine saying to someone “I’m your most loyal supporter.” So if someone says this to you it should raise a red flag. It’s just unnecessary & creepy
My ex used to say, "You can never admit you are wrong." Even when his own mother would tell him that she had heard me admit that I was wrong many, many times, as would our kids, he still stood by the idea that I wouldn't ever admit I was wrong.
Classic projection.
@@SurvivingNarcissism OHHHHHHHHHH. I believed it. 😔 It makes (made?) me turn myself inside out trying to figure it out.
I get that allll the time
@@happybergner9832 I get that. I kind of did the same thing. I asked myself, "When did I go from taking the blame for everything whether I did it or not, to taking responsibility for nothing?" I also knew that I remembered admitting that I was wrong. Talk about cognitive dissonance! Anyway, it looks like your thoughts are normal
@@eph2vv89only1way 💕💕💕
"I'm amazing", "I'm the best", "I'm better than you" "thats why im so special!" etc.
Thank you! I know one sentance that beats many of those arguments of the narcissist: ”It is only your opinion.” They say:” You’re too sensitive.” Just say:”It is only your opinion!” And look what happens.
I said this once to a man who mocked me ”not being a real woman” when I did not give him what he wanted. It just came into my mind and I said: ”It is only your opinion.” He shut down, he could not say anything. Since then, I’ve used that sentance some and then when needed and it is aa effective every time. I taught it also to my daughter. Look: when you say so, you admit that the person have a right to have an opinion about me - but it is only and only his/her opinion - not a fact and not even the opinion of everyone.
You're too sensitive !!! Exactly
I’m going to use this! Such a perfect response too!
Truer words have never been spoken.
Church houses are full of them.
Point 3: “Do you know how ridiculous you sound” … Often presented. I was once manhandled, and bundled out of the house and locked out for simply expressing a different perspective on a situation. Not even an argument. Simply an alternate viewpoint. Finally left some yrs ago. Free and now happily re-married.
By the third comment, I was like 'hey dad, how are you doing?'
This is 100% my dad and to a lesser extent, my mum. Ugh.