My old roommate committed suicide last night and I was already feeling so low from my past year. Felt like I was spiraling. Came across your channel and it’s brought me a lot of hope and understanding. Thank you for your content.
Yes, say it again for the people in the back, 🔊🔊“I’m no good to anyone if I’m not good to myself first!” This has to be the motto in 2021! Self improvement begins with self awareness!
Being empathetic as a full time carer for my disabled mum is the hardest struggle I’ve experienced in my life by far. The moment I walk into the same room, I can tell whether she’s having a bad day or not because I can feel and experience the same moods as her. If she’s depressed, I’m depressed, and that makes caring for her a lot harder as I lose all my motivation to do things. But, the days when she’s happy and full of laughs more than makes up for the hard times. I just wish more people (especially the rest of my family) could understand what empathy is and why I struggle with it.
I'm in the same situation!!. The constant empathy is exhausting and I completely forget about my own needs. Nightmare. I know how much you probably feel and it's very tough.
That happened to me last year. We've since patched up, but now they're starting to cross those boundaries again. But if I don't let them, then I can't talk about things I want to sometimes with them.
Something which I've found helps me tremendously is reminding myself that the feelings I would be feeling, during an empathic connection, are not my own feelings and I make a mental note to keep that in mind - I also make a mental note to not carry the feelings with me after the conversation has ended.
😥 I don’t want to feel so overwhelmed with all the negativity, discouragement, and the fear surrounding me but I’m hearing you describe my life and tell me I’m not alone. That helps.
One thing I started to ask myself is “what would I do for a friend?” And then I do that thing for me or ask someone else to do it for me even if it feels a bit uncomfortable. I have never felt for more in control of my empathy. Boundaries work, people!
I think I am an Empath, however it's like a double edged sword because Being Empathic can either A. Be misinterpreted or percieved the wrong way B. Some people get used to empaths taking more of the Responsibility/Compromise in situations or relationships that has a personal impact it even detrimental. C. I don't know if there is a connection to being an Empath and Periods of overwhelm.. or delays in achieving Life goals because of supporting others. D. Sometimes it's hard to reach out as an Independent and Empathic person because partly we may not be used to asking for help. The other part when actually reaching out for some help which has its own challenges.
Found this channel 2 weeks ago and realized I've never put myself first, always family, Ive been catastrophizing since I was 5 and thought it was just " normal" thinking, I love this channel, life changing ❤ thank You Kati
Kati, thanks so much for sharing this great information and advice. I really loved the way you addressed checking in with feelings. One of my biggest challenges is even being able to recognize and articulate when I am feeling crappy due to empathic “superpowers;” I often feel drained and frazzled, but for whatever reason, simply tell myself it is all in my head and get over it… I’m guessing because I historically have avoided inconveniencing anyone with my feelings. I’m sure nobody will be surprised that after continually stuffing those feelings down and absorbing them last year, I had somewhat of a meltdown. So, l now practice acknowledging my own feelings by literally saying out loud, in-the-moment: “this doesn’t feel good” or “I don’t feel good.” It sounds simple, but for me, it’s SUPER hard to do. There's something about me hearing myself saying it out loud that makes it seem more… real, I guess. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to accept my own feelings as valid, but I’m sharing this here in case there are others who struggle to acknowledge and validate their own feelings, too.
Empathy is really difficult for me. We have a household of 5 and I always feel like I am feeling the feelings of all 5 of us at once...all of the time. It becomes too much very often.
Yesss!!! The part that hit me was talking about how you feel even when you are not asked! So hard for me to communicate my wants and needs and feelings. I always feel like I'm a burden to whomever I am talking too. Totally relate to being too empathic. I can take care of others far more than myself. I use to do that because of the chaos growing up. I have heard it called peace at any price. Such a good video! Thanks 😊
Thanks for this... My empathy places me in some painful situations that just to avoid being rude (actually not setting boundaries) I end up like a rag doll, emotionally and physically. It even happened on my first hospitalization at a psych ward. The problems and distress of other patients didn't allow myself to give me the time and space to heal and think on my personal situation. I jist couldn't relax or work on myself if other patient was having a crisis. Came to a point when other patients were looking after me for advice or to help them understand what their psychiatrist said, what they didn't tell to their psychologist, etc. I even got a lecture on that because the doctors thought I was plotting to manipulate the patients to not follow the treatment assigned, when I just wanted to run away from all these people and have a peaceful place for me
Thank you for your video, It made a lot of sense. I work at a mental health care home and had my evaluation from my manager and empathy was my highest rate with the residents but it has also cost me a lot of negative feedback because of boundaries and getting to involved with my emotions. Listening to how you explained it made alot of sense to me so thank you for this
you have no idea how helpful this was-i admire and appreciate you greatly. i am an empath and all of my sons have disabilities. my first died from an opiate overdose right after turning 30. to top it off my husband is on the autism, spectrum,doesn’t notice or help with anything. i feel i am dying a slow death. i will try to follow your advice, but with no one to help, everything is snowballing. i feel paralyzed, disorganized and stressed from anxiety and isolation 😣😓
Kati, I can’t thank you enough for this wonderful video and information! I grew up in a very dysfunctional home and always felt responsible for other people’s feelings. Even as an adult it’s something I struggle with quite a bit. My therapist recently suggested that I work on putting up healthy boundaries in my relationships and as hard as it’s been, I’ve felt so much better and less emotionally drained. I know now that I can’t solve everyones problems and I’m working hard on checking in with myself more often and putting my feelings first. Much love to you! ❤️
I read online to use empathy to not take things personally . Putting yourself in their shoes to understand them and not take responsibility for their actions. It helps so much
Oh my goodness. I have been working on my empathy boundaries for years but I never had as much hope as I did at your crystal clear explanation to others who don’t feel it. It is so distressing and wonderful! I’m loving all your videos. Edit: It got so bad on the 20th anniversary of 9/11. I was absolutely in the depths of despair for a couple of months and I only shared why with a few close family members. Because how can I respond with “I feel the crushing weight of the grief and trauma of everyone who suffered that day and has done so since and I feel it all at once even though I live thousands of miles away and don’t know them” to anyone who says “what’s up?” 😂 If you are struggling, please remember, you are experiencing the trauma without the support one usually receives in that situation, so be kind to yourself and reach out. The empath me wants to write several more paragraphs but I’m exhausted so imma be good… I do 85% of what you suggested and have picked up some great tips.
This is something I'm struggling with at the moment. Someone I care about is having a rough time and I just haven't been looking after myself as a result of this. I have been trying to make an effort to try and figure some things out for myself. I still love and care for this person very much, but I need to keep my own head up and focus on my own mental health before helping them. This video has been really helpful.
This topic has been on my mind a lot the past few months! I really appreciate your take on empathy and the pros and cons. I often struggle with setting boundaries to prioritize myself. I had a therapist tell me that my needs are always more important than someone else’s wants, which seems super obvious... but as an empath it’s really hard to apply! Thank you so much for your videos Kati! They’re really encouraging 😊
Thank you for reminding us that you still continuously work on things and struggle with these topics too. Sometimes I feel like the emotional battle is never-ending but I feel less alone knowing that even very emotionally intelligent people also struggle. Thank you for your help and guidance on your channel 💜
My empathy is so strong it feels like a curse. I have huge empathy but sometimes I don't WANT it. I get angry at it instead. It's like I have empathy without compassion.
I really appreciate when you talk about your own experiences and struggles you have. It makes me feel less alone in my own struggles, even if I'm maybe not struggling with that particular thing you're talking about. So thank you!
Just a video I needed. Recently have become really overwhelmed by everyone elses feelings on top of my own stress and depression. It's very draining and exhausting..... Thank you for uploading this video, very helpful!
In a study published in Health Psychology, the researchers found the more empathic the parent, the more likely it was they experienced chronic low-grade inflammation.👍
Can you explain this more? I always empathize with people, and I do have degenerative disc disease and arthritis. Could being able to empathize with others cause these physical problems, or make them worse?
I constantly do this. I put everyone and there problems first so much that I don’t know who I really am, what I want or how I feel myself. I’m starting to try and treat myself like I would anyone else but breaking my bad habit isn’t easy. I find acting selfish is helping me to listen to my needs more. Love the videos
Thank you Katie for this. I've recently realized that I deal with this. I can walk into a room and absorb the bad energy in it almost immediately. It sometimes happens even with a single text message someone might send me. This was recently very difficult in a relationship as well. What has helped me reduce the stress and worry is understanding that the source is not internal but external. I journal every day, but I also carry a 'traveling journal' (a pocket one) on which I write almost immediately when difficult thoughts and emotions creep in.
Thank you so very much, I have been feeling down and miserable for two weeks and I didn't know why. My whole life felt heavy and sad, even though nothing new or out of the ordinary has happened. As you were speaking, it hit me. One of my colleagues is having a hard time these days at work, she is over working herself because her boss is out of the country for medical reasons. She is overwhelmed and she keeps venting to me on daily basis every morning. Only now I realized it, the sadness, stress and anxiety are hers, not mine. Well, I do have my problems too as a cherry on the top, but I'm sure she was the reason. I can't blame her, it's me who ask her how she feels as a kind of moral support. My friend is also having to work extra hours and she too vents to me on daily basis, no wonder I feel exhausted even though I don't have any extra load of work these days. I really should work on my boundaries. Thank you Kati, I really needed this video 🥺.
This was just what I needed to hear today! A friend forwarded it to me unsolicited and it couldn't have been more timely (and I feel a bit of kismet was involved as well!). Love your way of explaining ❤
Thanks so much for such awesome information sweet Kati 🦋🦋!! As ALWAYS the content you deliver is so rich & helpful. Thanks so much for all you do. Your "Empathic Badassness😉" is both recognized & appreciated 🌸🌸!! Happy 2021 to you, Sean, & your Subscribers🙏🏽🙏🏽!! Warm regards from Santa Barbara, CA!!
I went so long without knowing this was a even a thing, or understanding myself. While in some ways I consider it a gift, unfortunately it has brought me to places in my life that I didnt need to be. It took me until my 30s to understand this and to start to live putting myself and my own goals first. While still loving others of course! Need more tips for recognizing when you are doing this and setting boundaries, without feeling selfish. Thank you!!! Need this.
I’ve had to learn which people I keep on silent (meaning I don’t get a notification each time they message me) because they lean too hard on me as an empathetic person in their life. It’s worked and helped me feel overall more mentally healthy because I now get to choose when I feel healthy enough to interact with whatever they’re sending me. It gives me that power back. It feels good!
Empathy isn't just good, it's _necessary,_ but like everything else, too much can be a problem. Always making sacrifices to accommodate others is only okay if you're gunning for canonization. ¬_¬
This. This. ALL OF THIS!! Boundaries!!! I’m working on the dopamine gratification that comes from getting something accomplished. I’m working on the reality that I can’t wait to be or get motivated. I have to move, get up, do something and the reward comes after I make the effort. Simple biology I forget about. 2021 let’s try this again! There’s healing and hope on the other side! 👏🏻🙌🏻💪🏻🙏🏻❤️
I used to pride myself in how empathic I could be. It was one of the few things I liked about myself. Now, after ending a 3 year relationship I had with a narcissist, I have come to the realization it’s not always a good thing... in fact it might be my greatest weakness. I’m trying to learn how to be compassionate and kind without letting other people’s problems and emotions completely consume me.
I'm an early bird, too! Excellent topic and I can totally relate😉! Caught my eye right away and I had to check it out. Glad I did cuz she's wonderful!!!
I don't like using the term "empath" to describe myself, because I feel it lets me off the hook for my inappropriate actions. As an example, if I am seeing someone struggle and get frustrated I have the inclination to jump in and offer help. But this is a selfish action; it robs them of their experience, all because I cannot bear to see them feeling a negative emotion. I prefer to call these thoughts and emotions "codependent tendencies", and not something I want associated with who I am as a person (ego-dystonic). The "good" empathy is effortless and boosts up the people around me. There is always a hesitation with the "bad" empathy that then leads to guilt, and then overthinking thought patterns.
I can relate to this so much! I agree that the term empath is often seen as someone who's some kind of martyr that's on this earth to feel the feelings of others for them, I don't buy into that idea personally, I believe it's more like what you said, just not being able to stand to feel negative feelings whether they are our own or someone else's and doing anything we can to get away from them or stop them which often leads to us seeming less empathetic or sympathetic than we really are or at other times intrusive and pushy, like in your example. Thank you for sharing this, it's an interesting perspective!
I tend to not be very empathetic cause I have a hard time understanding other people’s emotions. If you aren’t an empath, you aren’t a bad person. Of you are an empath, you’re not better than people who aren’t. I felt embarrassed for the longest time for not being burdened by other people’s emotions but now I know that that doesn’t make me a terrible person. I just wanted to share this to whoever felt like they needed to hear it💕🌻 And to all of the empaths, I hope this video helped you!!💕 love you guys!
It's so true! it's harmful how we assign moral values to things like empathy when they're just differences to be celebrated. we don't achieve anything when we judge others and ourselves for how we are naturally :) I really admire people who are less empathetic because they have skills setting boundaries and assessing situations which i find really difficult! thank you for sharing this :)
Hi Kati, I love your videos and refer them to others often. So, I am an empathic badass. And naturally, People tell me a lot of personal things because they feel they can talk to me. Earlier, I used to get into these moods and just felt shit a lot of times but then, it kind of hit me that this was doing nobody any good. So, now, I shield myself when I am listening to someone's problem. Like, I literally tell myself that I am sheilding myself so that their pain is not transferred to me. I conjure this little image of myself being Zen and it really works for me. Maybe you can try it and see. These little well-timed reminders help you shift your perspective before that wave of emotion wrecks your day. :)
Boundary it is! Being told over and over to be a person who can understand other people's feelings while growing up, I used to think I was on the right track by having the intense pain as if getting a punch in my stomach kind of feeling whenever someone important to me might had been hurt. Now I know that those are their own experiences and all I need to do is to have the faith that they have the strength to get through their tough times.
Oh my, I needed this today! I'm planning a difficult conversation with a friend and I feel SO uncomfortable, and I realize a huge portion of this is some kind of predictive empathy))) I feel how SHE'S going to feel, but yeah, those aren't MY feelings.
A couple of weeks ago my therapist suddenly exclamied: "You are a high empathy person, that could make sense you know!" It makes. It makes a LOT of sense the more I've had to think about it. Losing myself in others trouble. Living with my partners' feelings instead of my own. (What are my own feelings?) Step one is to set boundaries, the more stressful situation the easier, my practice for the summer is to try and notice when this happens and calmly tell myself: "This is not my stress, I can let go of it, this is not my stress..." NOT easy, but helpful.
I struggle with this. I can't bear feeling like I'm not there when someone needs me. Even when I try to set boundaries I give in if there is push back. I wear myself out a lot of times.
I can relate to you so much. I’m trying to work on it in my therapy, but I’m struggling with setting and keeping my boundaries. Hopefully one day we will be able to think about ourselves first. Good luck Snuffyscorner! xoxo
The worst part is when you feel empathy towards someone and they couldnt give a sh^t about how you feel and doesnt return the compliment when you are down or having a crisis. They are just focused on themselves but expect your support and attention. Its difficult to break away sometimes especially when you've been playing this role and have become attached to this person over a long period of time.
I haven’t learned yet HOW to ever put myself first. It’s so hard to do. And I’m told that I try and aim for perfection apparently that’s not a thing. I just always want to provide, listen, give. But yes, I have BPD and PTSD - all of it is hard
A wise person once told me, don’t make other people’s problems your Own. And don’t put more energy into fixing someone’s problem then they are willing to do for themselves. So this is the conversation I try to have with myself, that way I can filter and guide my support for them when I’ve already walked in their shoes and into my feelings.
Agh! Me too! Usually when i'm in the spongeallthethings-state I just try to get myself on to a quiet spot on some quiet rocky beach. It's only a few minutes after observing the water that I get this really intense relieving and freeing feeling. It lasts as long as I stay there on the beach, so I usually think what got me this time to needing so much of the beach. Most of the time I find the answer, most of the time it's always the same. But i've gotten better at handling my stressors and not getting overwhelmed so easily. Still though, with a weekly day of shutting everyone out, muting my phone, not doing anything but the things I just do, I get overwhelmed and too spongy about 4 to 5 times a year! Also thanks for your videos! They've helped a lot in so many ways! =)
Boundaries is my problem. No matter how hard I try with some people they refuse to get it. I've tried cutting myself off from these people, but even then they refuse to see that the relationship is done.
Deep breaths and journaling have been key for me and being kinder to myself when it all feels so overwhelming. Today was definitely one of those days that I just felt angry at the state of the world and so I went for a 30 min walk and that helped.
It's a double edged knife but then again it's about keeping the circle going. Multiplying each time its returned; but it's very rarely returned resulting in the drain.
Being a highly empathetic writer and philosopher during 2020 was a 'pleasant' experience. Especially as narcissism and sociopathy became culturally normalized.
wow thank you 😭 i feel like I’m constantly a therapist for the people around me & it’s so exhausting. don’t get me wrong, i love helping but it usually comes with the price of sacrificing my own wellbeing. & when i try to explain that i don’t have the energy to take on anyone else’s, they just don’t understand & get defensive 😭
Hi 🥰 I was wondering if you could possibly do an updated video on motivation. I am a high schooler and it is really hard for me to keep motivation to do my work? Thank you so much
I don’t agree at all with empathy can get too much. I also don’t think sympathy is very useful, and tbh I think when people feel someone else’s pain “too much” it’s actually sympathy and not empathy.
Empaths can be pretty exhausting to be around too. They don't actually feel other peoples emotions only what they think the other person is feeling so it is entirely possible to lie to an empath by acting like everything is fine and managing to convince them of that. So as I have that capability to shield them from pain, I often feel preasured to do that, to desperately hide my emotions. I feel that preasure even stronger when the empath also desperately tries to "fix" my emotions(which is understandable my stress stresses them too) because then they also made it clear exactly how much my emotional affect is hurting them. Only resulting in me working harder to conceal it from them untill either I manage to hide it sucsessfully or the guilt gets to a level too extreme and I end up with a fucking panic attack. Which was the last thing either of us wanted.
I'm scared that if I be honest and say, "Hey, I'm not up for it today...I need time to breathe. Can we talk about this tomorrow ?" That the person I'm talking to may think I'm being rude or that I just don't wanna hear what they have to say.
Kati I was a bit concerned when you said that the biggest reason why you take care of yourself is because you can’t pour from an empty pitcher you are so much more then just a pitcher that gives water to people Thanks for al your work greetings from the Netherlands
I think it's also important to note that there are significant differences between empathy and codependency. I work in a helping/caring profession, and I would say a majority of behaviors that my coworkers label "empathy" are actually codependency.
I've been thinking about this a lot recently, especially because the pandemic has forced me to get better at setting boundaries. It has been so hard but I'm so proud of the progress I've made!
my best childhood friend downgraded me years ago, but she still held the top spot in my life. I finally ended it and my life has transformed. So late in life, I am putting me first and what I need etc. Of course this person, a major narcissist, is angry that I finally ended it, but I am blossoming.
I am having this things and its hard to move on and cant even sleept at night i have deep and extreme empathy to abused and abandoned animals..i cry hysterically whenever i see one and it drives me crazy
What if you get into an empathy rut... you're so used to dropping your own feelings to tend to your loved ones feelings that when they vent their day then ask about yours.. you think eh they don't truly want to hear about your day... so you just push your stuff to the side and let it be one- sided relationship.. like an emotional sponge? Their day is more important right? Feel like I'm in a rut.
Take a break from them. If you live on your own say you are busy and don't go by them for awhile. If you live with them and own a dog purposely take it for a long walk (not during meal time) or go to your room and read or play video games. If you have to take a breather in the bathroom for 15mins. Find time to get away. Trust me everything that's bottled up of yourself will cost you physical health issues later and monetary shrink fees later.
"How they feel, how we feel" This hit hard Coz i am an empath too. And so, I'm working on this in therapy. I'm personally working on this too. Whenenver I feel myself emotionally drawn, I conjure up a mental picture that let's think this is a movie so let's see what happens first. I also think of the upcoming emotions as some positive/ negative magic that it in the scene. That really works for me coz in this way I'm not emotionally drawn. Hope this works for u Kati.
I had a huge crush on a guy so I felt sympathy for him. But then we had connected afterwards meeting up one day and started becoming friends. But then his emotions hijacked my mind and we ended up sexually attracted but he didnt love me but I loved him. It was so powerful because I'd known him for along time and whenever I kissed him the thoughts in my head would stop and the noise of the world would be quiet.
Thank you so much for your videos! Please can you make a video on non communicative physically absent father? My niece is in her early twenties and for the first time she expressed feeling depressed because her father don’t contact her and doesn’t try to have a relationship with her. Her parents divorced when she was 4 years old and he moved to another country, remarried and had two children. We don’t know what advice we should give her. What someone going through this situation should do? Thank you🙏
My old roommate committed suicide last night and I was already feeling so low from my past year. Felt like I was spiraling. Came across your channel and it’s brought me a lot of hope and understanding. Thank you for your content.
I hope things get better for you soon. That must be so hard. 😔
Sorry for you lose I hope things get better and 2021 blesses you with a lot amazing moments
Very sorry to read that news.
I'm really sorry man, that is a lot to go through. I pray you can find peace through all of this heartbreak.
I’m sorry for your loss
Yes, say it again for the people in the back, 🔊🔊“I’m no good to anyone if I’m not good to myself first!” This has to be the motto in 2021! Self improvement begins with self awareness!
💜
Being empathetic as a full time carer for my disabled mum is the hardest struggle I’ve experienced in my life by far. The moment I walk into the same room, I can tell whether she’s having a bad day or not because I can feel and experience the same moods as her.
If she’s depressed, I’m depressed, and that makes caring for her a lot harder as I lose all my motivation to do things. But, the days when she’s happy and full of laughs more than makes up for the hard times. I just wish more people (especially the rest of my family) could understand what empathy is and why I struggle with it.
I hear you, Neb. :)
I'm in the same situation!!. The constant empathy is exhausting and I completely forget about my own needs. Nightmare. I know how much you probably feel and it's very tough.
I'm in the exact same situation too. I can relate to both you and @Josephine Donnelley , it's really tough at times
@@josephinedonnelley4762Exactly me. After 3 years of this comment. Is there anything you can help empath person with ? Did you discover solutions?
I struggle with this. I set boundaries with someone and was accused of personally attacking them. Now I feel even worse, but I have to worry about me.
That happened to me last year. We've since patched up, but now they're starting to cross those boundaries again. But if I don't let them, then I can't talk about things I want to sometimes with them.
I have had this happen as well.
maybe reconsider your relationship with them, and if that's not an option then try to explain how you were feeling.
👏for you for setting boundaries! That's great, even if you feel bad now, and I bet the more you practice it, the better you'll feel about it too.
@@Ayesha______ Yeah, I took a breather and explained a bit better. Here's hoping things get better.
sometimes my empathy puts me in a state where i care about others more than myself
Exactly my problem
Something which I've found helps me tremendously is reminding myself that the feelings I would be feeling, during an empathic connection, are not my own feelings and I make a mental note to keep that in mind - I also make a mental note to not carry the feelings with me after the conversation has ended.
😥 I don’t want to feel so overwhelmed with all the negativity, discouragement, and the fear surrounding me but I’m hearing you describe my life and tell me I’m not alone. That helps.
One thing I started to ask myself is “what would I do for a friend?” And then I do that thing for me or ask someone else to do it for me even if it feels a bit uncomfortable. I have never felt for more in control of my empathy. Boundaries work, people!
I think I am an Empath, however it's like a double edged sword because Being Empathic can either
A. Be misinterpreted or percieved the wrong way
B. Some people get used to empaths taking more of the Responsibility/Compromise in situations or relationships that has a personal impact it even detrimental.
C. I don't know if there is a connection to being an Empath and Periods of overwhelm.. or delays in achieving Life goals because of supporting others.
D. Sometimes it's hard to reach out as an Independent and Empathic person because partly we may not be used to asking for help.
The other part when actually reaching out for some help which has its own challenges.
Found this channel 2 weeks ago and realized I've never put myself first, always family, Ive been catastrophizing since I was 5 and thought it was just " normal" thinking, I love this channel, life changing ❤ thank You Kati
Kati, thanks so much for sharing this great information and advice. I really loved the way you addressed checking in with feelings. One of my biggest challenges is even being able to recognize and articulate when I am feeling crappy due to empathic “superpowers;” I often feel drained and frazzled, but for whatever reason, simply tell myself it is all in my head and get over it… I’m guessing because I historically have avoided inconveniencing anyone with my feelings. I’m sure nobody will be surprised that after continually stuffing those feelings down and absorbing them last year, I had somewhat of a meltdown. So, l now practice acknowledging my own feelings by literally saying out loud, in-the-moment: “this doesn’t feel good” or “I don’t feel good.” It sounds simple, but for me, it’s SUPER hard to do. There's something about me hearing myself saying it out loud that makes it seem more… real, I guess. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to accept my own feelings as valid, but I’m sharing this here in case there are others who struggle to acknowledge and validate their own feelings, too.
Great timing. Last week I was literally googling ‘how to have less empathy’ because it’s draining! Great tips, thanks!!!
Once I started to focus on my breathing, heart rate, and where the emotion sat in my body, my world changed.
Empathy is really difficult for me. We have a household of 5 and I always feel like I am feeling the feelings of all 5 of us at once...all of the time. It becomes too much very often.
Yesss!!! The part that hit me was talking about how you feel even when you are not asked! So hard for me to communicate my wants and needs and feelings. I always feel like I'm a burden to whomever I am talking too. Totally relate to being too empathic. I can take care of others far more than myself. I use to do that because of the chaos growing up. I have heard it called peace at any price. Such a good video! Thanks 😊
Thanks for this... My empathy places me in some painful situations that just to avoid being rude (actually not setting boundaries) I end up like a rag doll, emotionally and physically. It even happened on my first hospitalization at a psych ward. The problems and distress of other patients didn't allow myself to give me the time and space to heal and think on my personal situation. I jist couldn't relax or work on myself if other patient was having a crisis. Came to a point when other patients were looking after me for advice or to help them understand what their psychiatrist said, what they didn't tell to their psychologist, etc. I even got a lecture on that because the doctors thought I was plotting to manipulate the patients to not follow the treatment assigned, when I just wanted to run away from all these people and have a peaceful place for me
Thank you for your video, It made a lot of sense. I work at a mental health care home and had my evaluation from my manager and empathy was my highest rate with the residents but it has also cost me a lot of negative feedback because of boundaries and getting to involved with my emotions. Listening to how you explained it made alot of sense to me so thank you for this
you have no idea how helpful this was-i admire and appreciate you greatly. i am an empath and all of my sons have disabilities. my first died from an opiate overdose right after turning 30. to top it off my husband is on the autism, spectrum,doesn’t notice or help with anything. i feel i am dying a slow death. i will try to follow your advice, but with no one to help, everything is snowballing. i feel paralyzed, disorganized and stressed from anxiety and isolation 😣😓
Thanks so much
At least you also share your problems and emoctions with us and believe me we appreciate it because its shows us your real
Kati, I can’t thank you enough for this wonderful video and information! I grew up in a very dysfunctional home and always felt responsible for other people’s feelings. Even as an adult it’s something I struggle with quite a bit. My therapist recently suggested that I work on putting up healthy boundaries in my relationships and as hard as it’s been, I’ve felt so much better and less emotionally drained. I know now that I can’t solve everyones problems and I’m working hard on checking in with myself more often and putting my feelings first. Much love to you! ❤️
I read online to use empathy to not take things personally . Putting yourself in their shoes to understand them and not take responsibility for their actions. It helps so much
Oh my goodness. I have been working on my empathy boundaries for years but I never had as much hope as I did at your crystal clear explanation to others who don’t feel it. It is so distressing and wonderful! I’m loving all your videos.
Edit: It got so bad on the 20th anniversary of 9/11. I was absolutely in the depths of despair for a couple of months and I only shared why with a few close family members. Because how can I respond with “I feel the crushing weight of the grief and trauma of everyone who suffered that day and has done so since and I feel it all at once even though I live thousands of miles away and don’t know them” to anyone who says “what’s up?” 😂
If you are struggling, please remember, you are experiencing the trauma without the support one usually receives in that situation, so be kind to yourself and reach out.
The empath me wants to write several more paragraphs but I’m exhausted so imma be good…
I do 85% of what you suggested and have picked up some great tips.
I feel this so much. I’ve been struggling with this lately. Thanks for doing this video!
Got the bell! Happy New Year! Big thanks to Kati for yesterday's presentation at the Money and Mindfulness conference.
Happy New Year to you too!! And I am so glad you enjoyed the presentation yesterday!! yay!! xoxo
This is something I'm struggling with at the moment. Someone I care about is having a rough time and I just haven't been looking after myself as a result of this. I have been trying to make an effort to try and figure some things out for myself. I still love and care for this person very much, but I need to keep my own head up and focus on my own mental health before helping them. This video has been really helpful.
This is a really very great video..I really loved it!❤ The definition for empathy is so amazing!
As a caregiver this is most helpful thanks Kati
This topic has been on my mind a lot the past few months! I really appreciate your take on empathy and the pros and cons. I often struggle with setting boundaries to prioritize myself. I had a therapist tell me that my needs are always more important than someone else’s wants, which seems super obvious... but as an empath it’s really hard to apply!
Thank you so much for your videos Kati! They’re really encouraging 😊
Thank you for reminding us that you still continuously work on things and struggle with these topics too. Sometimes I feel like the emotional battle is never-ending but I feel less alone knowing that even very emotionally intelligent people also struggle. Thank you for your help and guidance on your channel 💜
My empathy is so strong it feels like a curse. I have huge empathy but sometimes I don't WANT it. I get angry at it instead. It's like I have empathy without compassion.
I really appreciate when you talk about your own experiences and struggles you have. It makes me feel less alone in my own struggles, even if I'm maybe not struggling with that particular thing you're talking about. So thank you!
Just a video I needed.
Recently have become really overwhelmed by everyone elses feelings on top of my own stress and depression. It's very draining and exhausting.....
Thank you for uploading this video, very helpful!
Another awesome video Kati
Love it
Thank you
Keep up the awesome job
💙😉
In a study published in Health Psychology, the researchers found the more empathic the parent, the more likely it was they experienced chronic low-grade inflammation.👍
Can you explain this more? I always empathize with people, and I do have degenerative disc disease and arthritis. Could being able to empathize with others cause these physical problems, or make them worse?
This is such a great topic for a video!!
I constantly do this. I put everyone and there problems first so much that I don’t know who I really am, what I want or how I feel myself. I’m starting to try and treat myself like I would anyone else but breaking my bad habit isn’t easy. I find acting selfish is helping me to listen to my needs more. Love the videos
Thank you for this video! Great advice.
Thank you so much for this .I have just started to work with my Therapist on being an empath .
Your video gives me a lot of food for thought 💚🇬🇧💚🇬🇧
Thank you Katie for this. I've recently realized that I deal with this. I can walk into a room and absorb the bad energy in it almost immediately. It sometimes happens even with a single text message someone might send me. This was recently very difficult in a relationship as well. What has helped me reduce the stress and worry is understanding that the source is not internal but external. I journal every day, but I also carry a 'traveling journal' (a pocket one) on which I write almost immediately when difficult thoughts and emotions creep in.
Thank you so very much, I have been feeling down and miserable for two weeks and I didn't know why. My whole life felt heavy and sad, even though nothing new or out of the ordinary has happened. As you were speaking, it hit me. One of my colleagues is having a hard time these days at work, she is over working herself because her boss is out of the country for medical reasons. She is overwhelmed and she keeps venting to me on daily basis every morning. Only now I realized it, the sadness, stress and anxiety are hers, not mine. Well, I do have my problems too as a cherry on the top, but I'm sure she was the reason. I can't blame her, it's me who ask her how she feels as a kind of moral support.
My friend is also having to work extra hours and she too vents to me on daily basis, no wonder I feel exhausted even though I don't have any extra load of work these days. I really should work on my boundaries.
Thank you Kati, I really needed this video 🥺.
Incredibly useful thanks a lot I often use to think how good a person I am for feeling so bad for others when I was younger
This was just what I needed to hear today! A friend forwarded it to me unsolicited and it couldn't have been more timely (and I feel a bit of kismet was involved as well!). Love your way of explaining ❤
Thanks so much for such awesome information sweet Kati 🦋🦋!! As ALWAYS the content you deliver is so rich & helpful. Thanks so much for all you do. Your "Empathic Badassness😉" is both recognized & appreciated 🌸🌸!! Happy 2021 to you, Sean, & your Subscribers🙏🏽🙏🏽!! Warm regards from Santa Barbara, CA!!
I learn so much from your blog Kati.
Excellent video, as always, Kati! And very timely for me. (As always 😊)
I went so long without knowing this was a even a thing, or understanding myself. While in some ways I consider it a gift, unfortunately it has brought me to places in my life that I didnt need to be. It took me until my 30s to understand this and to start to live putting myself and my own goals first. While still loving others of course!
Need more tips for recognizing when you are doing this and setting boundaries, without feeling selfish.
Thank you!!! Need this.
I’ve had to learn which people I keep on silent (meaning I don’t get a notification each time they message me) because they lean too hard on me as an empathetic person in their life. It’s worked and helped me feel overall more mentally healthy because I now get to choose when I feel healthy enough to interact with whatever they’re sending me. It gives me that power back. It feels good!
Empathy isn't just good, it's _necessary,_ but like everything else, too much can be a problem. Always making sacrifices to accommodate others is only okay if you're gunning for canonization. ¬_¬
I think that Empathy is by nature, just like other talents people have. Thank you.
This. This. ALL OF THIS!! Boundaries!!! I’m working on the dopamine gratification that comes from getting something accomplished.
I’m working on the reality that I can’t wait to be or get motivated. I have to move, get up, do something and the reward comes after I make the effort. Simple biology I forget about. 2021 let’s try this again! There’s healing and hope on the other side! 👏🏻🙌🏻💪🏻🙏🏻❤️
I used to pride myself in how empathic I could be. It was one of the few things I liked about myself. Now, after ending a 3 year relationship I had with a narcissist, I have come to the realization it’s not always a good thing... in fact it might be my greatest weakness. I’m trying to learn how to be compassionate and kind without letting other people’s problems and emotions completely consume me.
thank you so much for these videos, theyre so helpful
I'm an early bird, too! Excellent topic and I can totally relate😉! Caught my eye right away and I had to check it out. Glad I did cuz she's wonderful!!!
Awesome! Thank you!
Thank you so much. I am becoming a therapist and this talk helps me for more knowledge
I don't like using the term "empath" to describe myself, because I feel it lets me off the hook for my inappropriate actions. As an example, if I am seeing someone struggle and get frustrated I have the inclination to jump in and offer help. But this is a selfish action; it robs them of their experience, all because I cannot bear to see them feeling a negative emotion.
I prefer to call these thoughts and emotions "codependent tendencies", and not something I want associated with who I am as a person (ego-dystonic). The "good" empathy is effortless and boosts up the people around me. There is always a hesitation with the "bad" empathy that then leads to guilt, and then overthinking thought patterns.
I can relate to this so much! I agree that the term empath is often seen as someone who's some kind of martyr that's on this earth to feel the feelings of others for them, I don't buy into that idea personally, I believe it's more like what you said, just not being able to stand to feel negative feelings whether they are our own or someone else's and doing anything we can to get away from them or stop them which often leads to us seeming less empathetic or sympathetic than we really are or at other times intrusive and pushy, like in your example. Thank you for sharing this, it's an interesting perspective!
@@Odetoearth You're welcome, thank you for the thoughtful response!
I tend to not be very empathetic cause I have a hard time understanding other people’s emotions. If you aren’t an empath, you aren’t a bad person. Of you are an empath, you’re not better than people who aren’t. I felt embarrassed for the longest time for not being burdened by other people’s emotions but now I know that that doesn’t make me a terrible person. I just wanted to share this to whoever felt like they needed to hear it💕🌻 And to all of the empaths, I hope this video helped you!!💕 love you guys!
It's so true! it's harmful how we assign moral values to things like empathy when they're just differences to be celebrated. we don't achieve anything when we judge others and ourselves for how we are naturally :)
I really admire people who are less empathetic because they have skills setting boundaries and assessing situations which i find really difficult!
thank you for sharing this :)
Hi Kati, I love your videos and refer them to others often.
So, I am an empathic badass. And naturally, People tell me a lot of personal things because they feel they can talk to me. Earlier, I used to get into these moods and just felt shit a lot of times but then, it kind of hit me that this was doing nobody any good. So, now, I shield myself when I am listening to someone's problem. Like, I literally tell myself that I am sheilding myself so that their pain is not transferred to me. I conjure this little image of myself being Zen and it really works for me. Maybe you can try it and see. These little well-timed reminders help you shift your perspective before that wave of emotion wrecks your day. :)
Boundary it is! Being told over and over to be a person who can understand other people's feelings while growing up, I used to think I was on the right track by having the intense pain as if getting a punch in my stomach kind of feeling whenever someone important to me might had been hurt. Now I know that those are their own experiences and all I need to do is to have the faith that they have the strength to get through their tough times.
Thank you for the tip toward the end about setting boundaries. I have to practice that more with my wife when I’m sometimes drained later in the day.
Oh my, I needed this today! I'm planning a difficult conversation with a friend and I feel SO uncomfortable, and I realize a huge portion of this is some kind of predictive empathy))) I feel how SHE'S going to feel, but yeah, those aren't MY feelings.
A couple of weeks ago my therapist suddenly exclamied: "You are a high empathy person, that could make sense you know!"
It makes. It makes a LOT of sense the more I've had to think about it. Losing myself in others trouble. Living with my partners' feelings instead of my own. (What are my own feelings?) Step one is to set boundaries, the more stressful situation the easier, my practice for the summer is to try and notice when this happens and calmly tell myself: "This is not my stress, I can let go of it, this is not my stress..." NOT easy, but helpful.
Taking a break away from an individual or situation is key for me.
I struggle with this. I can't bear feeling like I'm not there when someone needs me. Even when I try to set boundaries I give in if there is push back. I wear myself out a lot of times.
I can relate to you so much. I’m trying to work on it in my therapy, but I’m struggling with setting and keeping my boundaries. Hopefully one day we will be able to think about ourselves first. Good luck Snuffyscorner! xoxo
The worst part is when you feel empathy towards someone and they couldnt give a sh^t about how you feel and doesnt return the compliment when you are down or having a crisis. They are just focused on themselves but expect your support and attention. Its difficult to break away sometimes especially when you've been playing this role and have become attached to this person over a long period of time.
I get tired of empathy and feel overworked. I get the part that i dont know why I'm down and the reason is too much empathy
Empathy is a good thing and I'm realizing that not enough people in this world have it, unfortunately.
Honest and insightful. A damned good vid.
I haven’t learned yet HOW to ever put myself first. It’s so hard to do.
And I’m told that I try and aim for perfection apparently that’s not a thing. I just always want to provide, listen, give. But yes, I have BPD and PTSD - all of it is hard
A wise person once told me, don’t make other people’s problems your Own. And don’t put more energy into fixing someone’s problem then they are willing to do for themselves. So this is the conversation I try to have with myself, that way I can filter and guide my support for them when I’ve already walked in their shoes and into my feelings.
#1!!!.. First video of the year!!🤗🎉
woot woot!! xoxo
Agh! Me too! Usually when i'm in the spongeallthethings-state I just try to get myself on to a quiet spot on some quiet rocky beach. It's only a few minutes after observing the water that I get this really intense relieving and freeing feeling. It lasts as long as I stay there on the beach, so I usually think what got me this time to needing so much of the beach. Most of the time I find the answer, most of the time it's always the same. But i've gotten better at handling my stressors and not getting overwhelmed so easily. Still though, with a weekly day of shutting everyone out, muting my phone, not doing anything but the things I just do, I get overwhelmed and too spongy about 4 to 5 times a year! Also thanks for your videos! They've helped a lot in so many ways! =)
Thank you 🙏🏼❣️
Great video. Had to refer to it several times.
Boundaries is my problem. No matter how hard I try with some people they refuse to get it. I've tried cutting myself off from these people, but even then they refuse to see that the relationship is done.
Keep at it! Block! Delete! They will get tired eventually
Deep breaths and journaling have been key for me and being kinder to myself when it all feels so overwhelming. Today was definitely one of those days that I just felt angry at the state of the world and so I went for a 30 min walk and that helped.
As someone who tried hard to be as empathetic as I possibly can, I’m excited to hear your thoughts on this!!
I hope you liked it!!! xoxo
@@Katimorton I did, thank you so much!!!
It's a double edged knife but then again it's about keeping the circle going. Multiplying each time its returned; but it's very rarely returned resulting in the drain.
Being a highly empathetic writer and philosopher during 2020 was a 'pleasant' experience.
Especially as narcissism and sociopathy became culturally normalized.
wow thank you 😭 i feel like I’m constantly a therapist for the people around me & it’s so exhausting. don’t get me wrong, i love helping but it usually comes with the price of sacrificing my own wellbeing. & when i try to explain that i don’t have the energy to take on anyone else’s, they just don’t understand & get defensive 😭
Thank you!!!!!!!! Sending 💛🌈💪🙏⭐💫🌞
Hi 🥰 I was wondering if you could possibly do an updated video on motivation. I am a high schooler and it is really hard for me to keep motivation to do my work? Thank you so much
I don’t agree at all with empathy can get too much. I also don’t think sympathy is very useful, and tbh I think when people feel someone else’s pain “too much” it’s actually sympathy and not empathy.
Empaths can be pretty exhausting to be around too.
They don't actually feel other peoples emotions only what they think the other person is feeling so it is entirely possible to lie to an empath by acting like everything is fine and managing to convince them of that.
So as I have that capability to shield them from pain, I often feel preasured to do that, to desperately hide my emotions. I feel that preasure even stronger when the empath also desperately tries to "fix" my emotions(which is understandable my stress stresses them too) because then they also made it clear exactly how much my emotional affect is hurting them. Only resulting in me working harder to conceal it from them untill either I manage to hide it sucsessfully or the guilt gets to a level too extreme and I end up with a fucking panic attack. Which was the last thing either of us wanted.
I'm scared that if I be honest and say, "Hey, I'm not up for it today...I need time to breathe. Can we talk about this tomorrow ?" That the person I'm talking to may think I'm being rude or that I just don't wanna hear what they have to say.
Show them this video
Kati I was a bit concerned when you said that the biggest reason why you take care of yourself is because you can’t pour from an empty pitcher you are so much more then just a pitcher that gives water to people
Thanks for al your work greetings from the Netherlands
I think it's also important to note that there are significant differences between empathy and codependency. I work in a helping/caring profession, and I would say a majority of behaviors that my coworkers label "empathy" are actually codependency.
thanks for posting this and happy new year :)
They might even get upset about it, specially when they are not ready to confront their situation . Thank you for the video, I love your hait ^~^
Like many others, I was also thinking about this exact topic today lol I noticed my empathy for others impacted me too much.
I've been thinking about this a lot recently, especially because the pandemic has forced me to get better at setting boundaries. It has been so hard but I'm so proud of the progress I've made!
my best childhood friend downgraded me years ago, but she still held the top spot in my life. I finally ended it and my life has transformed. So late in life, I am putting me first and what I need etc. Of course this person, a major narcissist, is angry that I finally ended it, but I am blossoming.
I am having this things and its hard to move on and cant even sleept at night i have deep and extreme empathy to abused and abandoned animals..i cry hysterically whenever i see one and it drives me crazy
Always amazing.
What if you get into an empathy rut... you're so used to dropping your own feelings to tend to your loved ones feelings that when they vent their day then ask about yours.. you think eh they don't truly want to hear about your day... so you just push your stuff to the side and let it be one- sided relationship.. like an emotional sponge? Their day is more important right? Feel like I'm in a rut.
Take a break from them. If you live on your own say you are busy and don't go by them for awhile. If you live with them and own a dog purposely take it for a long walk (not during meal time) or go to your room and read or play video games. If you have to take a breather in the bathroom for 15mins.
Find time to get away. Trust me everything that's bottled up of yourself will cost you physical health issues later and monetary shrink fees later.
I had to learn everyone has their own journey to life and what they are facing is for making them a better person atvthe end
"How they feel, how we feel"
This hit hard
Coz i am an empath too. And so, I'm working on this in therapy. I'm personally working on this too. Whenenver I feel myself emotionally drawn, I conjure up a mental picture that let's think this is a movie so let's see what happens first. I also think of the upcoming emotions as some positive/ negative magic that it in the scene. That really works for me coz in this way I'm not emotionally drawn. Hope this works for u Kati.
Excess of empathy could be related to be a people pleaser?
yeah i think so too, but it could also be a direct consequence of wanting to fit it.
I had a huge crush on a guy so I felt sympathy for him. But then we had connected afterwards meeting up one day and started becoming friends. But then his emotions hijacked my mind and we ended up sexually attracted but he didnt love me but I loved him. It was so powerful because I'd known him for along time and whenever I kissed him the thoughts in my head would stop and the noise of the world would be quiet.
BPD-like symptoms over here, and I have to say I could not bare to have empathy, and yet it would help me. Sympathy is the best I can do.
Thank you so much for your videos! Please can you make a video on non communicative physically absent father? My niece is in her early twenties and for the first time she expressed feeling depressed because her father don’t contact her and doesn’t try to have a relationship with her. Her parents divorced when she was 4 years old and he moved to another country, remarried and had two children. We don’t know what advice we should give her. What someone going through this situation should do? Thank you🙏