Negative Voice: “it’s Monday, the worst day of the week!” Positive Voice: “Kati releases videos on Mondays.” Negative Voice: “Touché, you win this round!”
I feel deep shame when I make the smallest mistakes, and I don’t know why. Edit, 3 years later: Looks like I had a lot of really fucked up repressed trauma, I've been dealing with it and learning to love myself over the years. It's been a long journey, but I'm so so glad I've changed my outlook on life for the better since the day I wrote this comment. I wish peace and happiness to you all :)
I've heard from a lot of therapists and other sources that you do not have to fear for your life to be traumatized. Like rape. It's often something hugely scary or painful against which you feel powerless.
How is pain not threatening to any living being? How is something "hugely scary" - as you worded it beautifully - different to fear (for your life) ? If someone puts a fake gun at your head and you don't know it's fake, do you think you'll be less traumatized? If someone rapes you: What else could they be capable of?! How do you NOT fear for your life?! The door to traumatization of the nervous system opens when facing a real OR perceived life-threatening situation of which one cannot escape. That includes loved ones being threatened, or the loss of them. Especially under more acute circumstances.
Also you dont have to actually experience a truly life threatening trauma to FEEL and FEAR that your life is on the line. Parents putting a child down is not actually life threatening, but makes the child feel that it is because if their parents reject them, they will be without the necessities of survival and die
@@SuspiriaX Well, perhaps it is essentially "fear for your life", but I suppose some of us find it difficult to relate to that phrase. I didn't realize I was traumatized for ages--despite experiencing symptoms of PTSD and seeing the word "trauma" come up over and over--because I didn't think I'd ever experienced anything that qualified as trauma, a supposedly "life-threatening event". It was like, nope, none of that has ever happened to me, so I must be confused or making this up or something. However, when phrased as "a deeply distressing or disturbing experience" or even better (to me), "something hugely scary or painful against which you feel powerless", I understand better and can relate more. I guess it's difficult because even though I didn't think of it as life-threatening, now I understand that this is what my body felt.
Out of the blue, when I was 14, my mother decided she'd send my younger brother and I to meet our father, who had been non-existent for my entire memorable life. We didn't want to go, had no interest in meeting him, but she was insistent. It was supposed to be a two week visit. Part of the way she convinced us was to show us the round-trip airline tickets. The night before our return flight, she called to say that she'd cashed the tickets and that we would be better off living with our dad. It was horrific and devastating, emotionally. The damage she inflicted destroyed my sense of self-worth (if I had any to start with). Three years later, our now-divorced dad tried the same thing. If being rejected by both your mom and dad doesn't completely mess you up, I don't know what will.
For me, shame doesn't feel like I felt at fault for an unpleasant situation. For me, it feels like something is inherently wrong with me. I discovered, I was "made of shame" (that's how I felt upon the realization): I had so much shame around almost everything, and it really defined me. Mine started in childhood, with my mom using shame as a discipline tool. I then learned to keep doing it to myself. "I'm so bad! I'm so stupid! I'm annoying! I'm not worthy," etc. My mom also liked to point out to others about how much I inconvenienced her (e.g. because I cried when the store was out of the shoes I wanted in my size, which I did because I thought if I had the "cool shoes," I wouldn't get bullied this year at school), and that felt to me like shame: "I'm such an annoying, dumb kid." So, I didn't recognize that my feelings were valid. Emotion-tracking was really helpful for me. I found that I was almost 100% disconnected from my emotions (even in my dreams!). I discovered that was because my mom used to shame and ridicule my emotions (like with the shoe story above). Of course, bullies also did that too, "oh waaaa, such a crybaby."
thequestess I hope you feel good about yourself now. Always remember life is too short to feel bad about yourself, you are worth it Know that one person which is me thinks you are worth it and not a crybaby and is fighting through tough times. Just keep on fighting until you see the light 👍👍😊😊😊 DONT GIVE UP JUST DONT
thequestess I hope you feel good about yourself now. Always remember life is too short to feel bad about yourself, you are worth it Know that one person which is me thinks you are worth it and not a crybaby and is fighting through tough times. Just keep on fighting until you see the light 👍👍😊😊😊 DONT GIVE UP JUST DONT
thequestess I hope you feel good about yourself now. Always remember life is too short to feel bad about yourself, you are worth it Know that one person which is me thinks you are worth it and not a crybaby and is fighting through tough times. Just keep on fighting until you see the light 👍👍😊😊😊 DONT GIVE UP JUST DONT
I totally feel you... bullied all my life and same thing with my mom,who I lived with the majority of the time. Amongst other traumas and her calling me crazy useless stupid bitch,you deserve to live in a nut house, etc etc Never validated my feelings I was suicidally depressed and she wouldn't talk to me or help me even when I asked...its extremely hard to get by when everywhere you go youre put down...it feels like you have no safe place. And i internalized it as well. Self hatred, low low self esteem to this day. It's hard when that's all you ever hear and dont have anyone to turn to, you believe it, and think if you weren't you...these things wouldn't be happening. Its hard to look back on. I ended up cutting, starving myself, binging and purging, and people telling me I lose weight or looked good just egged me on because for once I got a compliment, instead of fat, lard ass, ugly, etc etc. The eating disorders seemed to calm down somewhat once I was out of school and started drinking excessively for the next 8 years,but it was still there.. I've been reflecting on my past lately because I'm waiting to start emdr therapy. I'm now in the worst state of my life, i stopped drinking but things took a turn for the worst and I didn't seem to realize it until it was too late. I'm now not working,barely leave my apartment, no income, filing for bankruptcy and can't afford my doctor or therapy so I dont know how that's gonna work out. Also back to wanting to die every day, no support from family and no one to talk to. I'm terrified. I have extreme social anxiety, GAD,MDD, substance abuse, I get panic attacks regularly and I seem to have some weird phone phobia, its humiliating, I've ruined a lot because I want able to make phone calls. I dknt know why. I can't focus or understand and concentrate on anything and I have all this paperwork ,just looking at me makes me feel like puking. I feel dissociated but also very aware of how sick I feel, and how sick I am right now. Never how I thought my life would be, that's for sure.
I'd like to know why the definition of trauma specifies that one has to fear for their life. I've had a rough childhood and withstood a lot of bullying and sibling abuse. On top of that I've been in situations where I was in physical danger and feared for my life however the interpersonal non-life threatening events left a much deeper and enduring mark on me which resulted in EMDR treatment and later a psychiatrist recognizing symptoms of PTSD and connecting it to relational trauma. The life-threatening physical events did produce acute symptoms like fear and avoidance but they went quickly once I faced those fears.
Awesome video, Kati! I remember one time my mom went through my hospital discharge paperwork (without permission) and saw PTSD on there, the first thing she said: "you don't have PTSD" In my head I was just like "you wouldn't know because you're the reason and thanks for putting me back on the shame train, ma!" I just kept my mouth shut and smiled though.
DyKoetah Thompson wow what a terrible response she had to you...I’m so sorry. I’ve had that response too. You, your feelings, and conditions are 100% valid.
I aggree with you. My shame is connected to huge trauma in childhood. It escalated into PTSD and then bipolar I. I haved cured myself to a degree humanly possible because Im very resilliant. 🙏❤
I thought I was the only one who felt social anxiety made me feel younger than I am. I think for me it's because I compare myself to others who have more experience hence I feel immature because I lack see of the experiences so coal anxiety has stopped me from doing
I don't think I have social anxiety (but I would say I struggle with shyness a bit). However, I definitely know how you feel about feeling like a little kid! For me, I think it's things that link back to my childhood. For example, if someone yells at me, I can feel like a little child cowering in the corner. That's because it takes me back there, to that time when I was taking the parental scoldings. I bet the present triggers something stored in my brain from back then, and it all gets linked up together. I can also feel like a little kid when someone thinks my opinion or viewpoint is stupid. I was bullied for years as a kid, so it takes me right back there, to when I was being taunted for being "stupid." (I actually have an above average IQ, so I know intellectually I'm not stupid, but emotionally I often feel like I am.)
jada allen great suggestion. I am 43 but feel like I'm still much younger. There's that saying that goes "you're as young as you feel," but for me I think there's a deep trauma that causes denial. I hope we get to see your answer from Kati.
Im with Gabbie would love to see more videos on this topic as self loathing is something so many of us deal with through this shame trauma. Glad I found this video.
This is my whole life. I believe I'm a terrible person, was a terrible bully as a kid, insensitive and just stupid. I've been told that quite a few times by my own family. It led me to believe that everything I'm struggling with now (depression, anxiety, ptsd) is what I deserve. I've never allowed myself to be a victim because I WAS TOLD I WAS THE EVIL ONE! I am so ashamed of all the bad stuff that I did as a kid, that I was told I did (ripping my family apart, destroying their lifes, make us homeless). Only recently am I starting to realise that maybe it wasn't all my fault. But it's really hard to admit because that would seem like I'm not taking responsibility. Does anyone feel the same? I almost feel brainwashed: I think I was the most horrible child, but when I re-read my old diaries, I see just a scared, neglected child. I'm so confused.
Interesting thought. Maybe so, for the original trauma. Still, I think it's more complicated than that. I think shame can be quite different than guilt, though they are frequently confused. Shame, apparently, isn't really about anything you've done. It's how you've come to feel about who you are. Toxic shame, that is.
@@ryk6207 yeah but it makes sense that it starts off with guilt. if youve been told that youve done bad and youre wrong, you feel guilty as a child then from the guilt the child starts feeling like im guilty all the time i must be a bad person, then from that thought the shame starts...even though they arent the same thing guilt and shame are connected
Brené Brown explains the difference between shame and guilt as shame believing that you are inherently wrong and guilt is believing that you did something wrong in that moment.
Toxic shame is something I have carried with me for so so long and I have never needed a video more than I needed this tonight, as always thank you Kati!
This is a really great video! I'm currently stuck as an adult and I'm just now realizing that I had alot of shame and trauma as a child. I personally never had anyone teach me about emotions and their significance. Having resources to learn more at this time is priceless! Thanks for sharing! It's so crucial to learn about emotions and why we have them and to know that it is okay and normal to have them!
I have extremely valid reasons to be ashamed, but I need to overcome because unlike guilt it can be a very debilitating feeling that demotivates you. Humiliation is a huge aspect, as is embarrassment, and for me shame is something I heap on myself for being weak in certain situations that left a deep impact on my confidence and how I view myself.
Thank you so much for this video, Kati. I loved this so much. I absolutely know that shame is born from trauma. I was physically, sexually and emotionally abused from a very very young age. And I carried the shame of that for 64 years before I found the right tools to heal from that. I have heard it said that shame is blame turned upon ourselves, and I believe that is true. We were never to blame for what was done to us. It was not our fault our caretakers chose to do those things to us, but we soaked it all up like a sponge because our brain had no other way to process the horror of it. So we carried their blame. Such a horrible thing to do to a child. I appreciate so much all that you do. You really are exceptional. Thank you.
Jan. I’m 60. So I can totally relate. Never knew it was trauma. It’s really a lifelong process and draining. So many stressful years gone by. I hope you’re well. 💗
I don't agree that shame only comes when you feel like you should have done something different in response to the trauma. What about feeling ashamed that you feel traumatised at all? E-g something happens to you, and other people have experienced similar, but they don't seem to be as traumatised or affected by it? Or when the traumatic offence was committed by someone who's supposed to love you and protect you, it gives you a sense of something being wrong with you, that you're not worthy of love and protection, and that's a form of shame as well. It's not always that you feel like you could have "done" something different, just a sense that there must be something wrong with you if people would treat you that way.
PRoseLegendary, you took the words out of my mouth.. I was diagnosed with trauma and I never feel shame for not being able to fix it, I feel shame because I don’t feel like I’m lovable and that there’s a big stain in me. I couldn’t help the abuse and bullying that happened to me as a child, and I certainly couldn’t prevent it, but it has affected me my whole life!
Same here. I've struggled a lot with this because what caused my trauma is so common, I felt like I was overreacting. Whenever I feel a symptom of my PTSD, like a flashback or something, I'm always afraid people will notice. If they do, I'm scared they will ask what caused it, and I'll have to explain how badly I react to what I think other people feel is "nothing".
I feel shame that I have not been able to have a relationship with my narcissistic mother. Thank you for doing this video and getting me deeper into understanding this. Relationships are 50/50 and I’ve been taking all the blame.
I just told my therapist about some really bad sexual experiences I had a few years ago, which was really hard to do. And I've been feeling overwhelmed with shame ever since. This video comes right on time to make me feel hopeful that things will get better eventually. Thank you for everything you do Kati
Awe I am so proud of you for talking to your therapist about that and sharing something so difficult. I am glad this video came at a good time! I hope it was helpful :) xoxo
Hi Kati love your channel! 💕 I've have had my friends check your channel out and now they are hooked. You deserve more subscribers because you're great. Keep up the good work!
I was shamed constently regularly about my adhd and i was suppose to be greatful for it. When i protested it i was told they know better and i needed to emotionally regulate better because when ur a kid and "disabled" your feelings dont matter.
You “always” seem to make the right videos that I needed to see to help my world. My partner is struggling with Shame but not Guilt. I couldn’t understand the relationship between the guilt and self loathing in him. Now I can reframe it with Shame instead. This might make more sense to him to help him heal through. Thank you so much.
Kati Morton it was a lightbulb for him when I sent him the link! He was shocked at how Shame is exactly the term he feels though wasn’t calling it as such! You just helped a whole family expand their tools and build trust through understanding.
Grounding has been the biggest help for me - activating the root chakra Working on my ankle, hip, knee mobility and working on glute, ham, calf foot via squats with good form works on stabilizing your posture and allows you to use the energy to process uncomfortable emotions
I just recently started seeing a therapist and she mentioned that i have a lot of childhood trauma and some PTSD because of it and OMG what you are saying is exactly what I am struggling with - number 2 is what i feel like every single day of my life
The idea of gathering resources and grounding are the first steps before processing in EMDR. For me, EMDR is kind of like exposure therapy as extremely traumatic and embarrassing events were revisited. I am so glad I've been able to feel the pain of shame because as soon as I felt safe enough to feel the pain, it didn't feel like a toxic poison inside of me, holding myself prisoner anymore... I wasn't alone with it. But feeling safe before going deep was key... otherwise talking about it was just retraumatizing. I feel like it's unkind to myself and maybe even a form of emotional self-abuse to ruminate or overshare or even force myself to talk about highly painful events when I don't feel safe.
This is amazing, I feel shame from having an abortion in my early 20s, having a toxic and unhealthy relationship as my first love experience, daddy issues, mommy issues, failed friendships, living with cervical cancer. Just so much for so long but now I am processing it and healing from having it out in the open.
Hey Kati! Can you make a video on overprotective/“helicopter” parents and whether or not it impacts mental health? It gives me and my sister and tremendous amount of anxiety but I don’t know how to explain to them that what they’re doing is harmful. Thanks! Love your videos! 💚
Imagine never being protected or feeling abandoned and weigh what you feel now. What would you rather? I'd go as far to guess that your parents never felt protected even though it may be annoying how is it hurting your life?.
the first feeling felt as a child was being a shame that my parents are divorced always felt unlucky as a kid and shame of myself that I would never ever talk to my friends or my cousins about the divorce and always acted like my parents live together " maybe my family was the only family I know get divorced in my hood and in my school " .. I'm in my latest 20s and until this day I never talk about it .. last year a friend asked me if my parents are divorce like some say and I lied !! shame feeling grows in me every year about every thing and the situation that I feel shame when I remember keep coming back almost everyday ...
what if you were taught to feel shameful? my parents were emotionally abusive and over many years taught me to think I am fundamentally bad. that's not shame that arises because I think there's something that I should've or could've done, it was imbued in me by people who gave me the impression that I should be ashamed.
Speaking about trauma, can you talk about what happens to you when you hear traumatic stories? My ex had a terrible dad and heard her stories multiple times. While I don't feel affected negatively by it, I can't stop thinking about it and it feels weird because it's starting to feel like it's my story just as much it is hers. I can't explain it well, but I just feel icky like I have fish bones in my throat..... Thanks for all the work you put into this channel! Looking forward to more episodes from you :)
Yeah, you're in my head somehow. This is something I struggle with every day even though I do know the difference. Something that my trauma therapist and I work on is feelings of shame that come from not making progress "quickly enough", not just shame I was made to experience because of abuse. I feel sorry for her sometimes, having to watch me for all of the different ways I might spring leaks. :)
This is super intersting. I think it's super important to mention that trauma is not necessarily tied to a fear for yours or someone elses life which is what the most current research is saying.
I love this video kati! I really needed this. Right now I’m struggling with a lot of things. I don’t feel anything, it’s like I’m numb. I’ve never been this low, and it’s kind of scary.
Hi Katie! I love your channel so much. I have been watching your chanbel since I was in 7th grade when I started struggling. You videos have gotten me through alot and I can almost always relate to whay you are talking about. I'm now in 10th grade, I've had really bad trust issues and fear of men and bad self confidence issues and today they announced homecoming court at school and announced that I was voted for my grade and it was a huge boost of confidence. Love you Kati
I have, over the years, begun to think that if someone is traumatized and their rational brain places the guilt where it belongs onto the person or situation that caused the trauma to begin with, then the heart would naturally align with the brain and that any left over fear, stress, or shame would be gone or managed. But that cleary is not the case with so many folks. Human nature. Myself included in the above. Is there science behind why the feelings remain even after most or all guilt is gone? If so, can you do an extended video on that topic? The why the brain and feelings and/or emotions are separate? Katie Jo
I can definitely talk about this more.. I will add your question to my list. But in short, how we feel and what we think can be different (and usually are) because even if we understand or can rationalize something, it doesn't change the way we felt. You know? I can understand that my friend was just going through a hard time and took it out on me, but that doesn't mean I won't still feel hurt. Does that make sense?? xoxo
Kati Morton It really does, that makes so much sense. Like, if I am in pain because I hurt my back and then yell at my family member. They may understand why and not blame me, but they still could feel hurt ... gotcha. Thank you Kati. I have been watching you for a few years and your videos on Anorexia helped me know to contact a medical doctor very quickly when I slid past disordered eating. So it made ALL the difference. Thank you is not enough. 😄
This makes sooo much sense. And I feel like for me this shame increases isolation and not reaching out to anyone even more because when you're out of, say a bad relationship, your friends also start shaming you in a way. And this entire "if he wajted to he would" is soo unnecessary and useless. It does no good but increase your anxiety for most people. When you tell about it to your friends it's either shaming the guy or telling you that you're stupid to stay, both of which do not help. We need a safe space, we want to be heard without any judgement. We want an assurance that even if I do leave my partner I'll have a support system, but all this shaming just does the opposite, leading you to seek comfort in what's hurting you instead. And for me, unfortunately tge therapists I've been with also weren't good at gaining my trust and I've felt ashamed there as well.
For me the shame comes from the fact that what I went through wasn’t acknowledged for a long time so I felt like I should have gotten over it. Like the way that I was reacting was over dramatic and I was just being sensitive and irrational. I know I couldn’t have stopped what happened because I was too young. I know that. The shame is from the way other people reacted to me. Usually people who knew something was up but not quite what. I felt like I was being shunned and told to be normal and I felt like there was something inherently wrong with me for feeling the way that I was and acting the way that I was. That’s where my shame came from. Post event not during the event.
My God ! I realized why now i'm feeling like that !It's such a hard time for me now and you helped me to understand what is happening with me I thank you so much dear soul!
Thank you so much for the great content, I just want to precise : I personally experienced shame, but it wasn’t caused by trauma, shame can be simply a result of bad choices that we’ve been responsible of, and could have avoided as you said. Everything has a reason, and for this matter, it’s definitely not always trauma, but if it’s a really shameful wrong doing, reasons cannot justify your actions. Only a new start and self forgiveness can change things, this is what I have been struggling with, I couldn’t just accept the thought of spoiling everything I build up to now and just start a new. It was hard looking people in the eye, and hard to feel at ease in most comfortable moments. It was unbearable. I felt like I had to break some ideals, start afresh and maybe I can rebuild those ideals later when I’m feeling better. It was just a whole pile of work and time consuming process! but the most effective solutions. And it’s only logical when you look into it, What’s happened has happened, you cannot change the past, if it was some small common mistakes you can forgive yourself and carry on with your life, if you feel like you trespassed some boundaries and it was impossible to handle, you’ve got to break some ideals temporarily and be a better person in the process, so you can forget what’s happened before and build a new image that suits your ideals. It’s question of satisfaction, I like or not the person I am yet! So the key is: lower ideals, good choices, better person, better ideals, better image of myself, no more shame.
Kati I love that you're learning so much about trauma and sharing it! I wish I had these resources when I was learning about the PTSD I was experiencing. I found the information eventually but it's great that you're sharing it here in one place.
My mom used shame as a tool when I was a kid, if I wasn't behaving the way she wanted, she'd shame me. If she wanted me to behave well at the grocery store she'd tell me if i didnt behave she'd be so embarrassed and ashamed of me. If I made a mistake growing up, she'd tell me how disappointed she was in me and that she thought I was better than that. I don't think she ever meant to hurt me, growing up we had a wonderful relationship, I always felt i could talk to her and she always kept me safe and gave me lots of hugs and cuddles - however... that shame, has rooted itself in me in a way I can't even describe. 💔
shame usually comes from being overly controlled, criticized, and humiliated. shame makes you feel like you're a dirty, disgusting and bad person. it can also be a result of not allowing yourself to be wrong and making mistakes. so when you make a mistake you feel overwhelmed by a deep sense of shame that stops you from forgiving yourself and moving on.
Yes trauma and shame are so linked! It strikes me that both incapacitate the will so that we get stuck in our shame and trauma responses. I’ve only just started to unpack my traumas. Thanks for showing the way forward !
Hey Kati, Im 16 and I feel shame when I remember the abuse I’ve been through. Especially when I think some of my actions caused it. 😔 I couldn’t stop a lot of those instances.
@@bekkahw3188 "when I think some of my actions caused it" So where exactly is this thought originating from? Did the person who abused you put this idea inside of your head, blame-shifting and all? ... .. or, has blaming yourself been your brain's strategy to avoid feelings of help-/powerlessness? The latter would be brain logic: if you are to blame, then at least you're in control of your life. Right? Brains sometimes prefer feelings of guilt and shame over profound feelings of help- and powerlessness. It may try anything to uphold that illusion of being totally in control over one's life. "I couldn’t stop a lot of those instances." Noone likes the sense of ineffectiveness that this realization brings along. Especially not the brain. So it may want to trick you by making you the perpetrator in your head. Perpetrators are in control. Your shame and self-blame could be a defense mechanism.
Thanks for this. I felt shame for years, and still do a little bit though I think I've processed through it a lot. I do get hit with very sad and depressive moods seemingly random or when I encounter one of my triggers. that's what I theorize, I'm not sure why I sometimes get really sad moods randomly. its only been happening this past year and a half I'd say and I have no experience with the sudden change in mood where I am very sad and crying. I hope this video and others will help me get through the shame I got that built up over the years while I combated it almost alone. Thanks Kati!
Wow, this is one of the most helpful videos I've seen thus far. Trauma and shame are definitely connected and I deal with it in therapy every week. Thank you for this video!!! I added it to my favorites so I can rewatch it from time to time :)
My boyfriend is so positive-- to the point where having any uncomfortable or negative emotion at all is unacceptable. Nothing gets processed. Full speed ahead with a smile only. I have a lot going on, and I need to process. He can't handle it, and he broke up with me today. Guess I should have said "my ex-boyfriend". I've sent him some of your videos, and he hadn't gotten around to watching them. I wish he would. I know they would help him. But they help me. Thank you. Feels good to know it's OKAY TO FEEL. And that feeling is different than living in the feeling. Really, why aren't all kids taught emotional intelligence? Society NEEDS emotional intelligence, almost, I feel, as much as a roof over our heads. Thank you, Kati. I love you and all the good you give the world.
Again, perfect timing Kati! I have been struggling with this so much lately and my psychologist has been very helpful. Shame has taken over my life in the last few months, but I'm starting to realise that the abuse wasn't all my fault - I'll get there one day. Thanks again Kati xx
I loved this so much I have always wonderd about this I never understood why I felt like It was all my fault and that I was bad and deserved it I started self harming and starving myself and just feeling more and more shamefull over not getting better. I still feel like the trauma was my fault a bit. I loved hearing these tips. I am trying to Get help
Clicked on this because just a few weeks ago I was talking to my friends how the guilt I felt seemed to start feeling so different than shame. When I saw this I instantly clicked and it filled in so many gaps for me! Wow! What a great find for me. Thank you.
I didn't even realise I had been traumatised until 20 years later when it hit me. I just happened to develop an anxiety disorder at the exact same time but I never connected to them. I felt to much shame, that I left my body and created this other "distant" me. So I didn't feel shame anymore. And
at the time, even though I was feeling shamed, I never realised it because I immediatley left my body. The funny thing is that I was able to use this to my benefit as a writer, so I don't know if I'd take it back. I could take it back for the old me. But then I'd destroy the me I've come to know and function with.
Can you make a video about making important choices and how to overcome anxiety of making a wrong choice? I’m struggling with this now. I love your videos!
Your diffferentiation between guilt and shame really spoke to me. I'm a few weeks into CPT with my therapist and this is a vital distinction. This week I'm challenging stuck points in my homework and thinking about guilt & shame in this way has already helped lessen some of the really difficult emotional tangles I"m trying to tease apart surrounding my trauma. Ty. 💙 I suffer a lot of shame, even surrounding my PTSD diagnosis itself. The smallest thing can be so healing.
Yes! For me, shame & trauma are linked. I am aware of all my traumatic/shameful experiences. After 24 years I am finally ready to let go of the familiar shame cycles. To look from my adults perspective & reframe what happened. To stop passing my hot potato & stop receiving others. (Great analogy by the way)! Thank you Kati!💕 Judy in NJ
I am an adoptee and I experience shame often. It is literally the only life I have known. A pre trauma period where I was happy doesn't exist, and even if I could remember the event, I wouldn't be able to tell anyone about it because I didn't know words yet. Everything I've thought I learned about myself has been built on distorted foundations. The most random thing will trigger dysregulation and feelings of shame, and it happens literally in a second.
After the rape I endured 8 years ago, I am still working through it in therapy and with medication. I've done EMDR and it was helpful, but I need a tune up for sure.
Shame isn’t motivating...it is debilitating wow. Wow. WOW! This is my life- robed in rotted shame. This video is needed. Thank you so much Kati, these ways to help us out of shame is so helpful!
I recently discovered your videos and am finding them so helpful & particularly validating. I've been in therapy for 2 yrs. with, amazingly because it was luck-of-the draw, a woman who truly feels like my partner in healing. Until now I've had no therapy/intervention beyond ER visits followed by 30 day "voluntary" stays, I just pushed ALL my traumaS down into the dark, soldiered on with the occasional descent into deep depression. A basic physical & emotional breakdown got me into therapy. And this video speaks so much to what I'm struggling with: the shame that informs every part of my life & being, the knowledge that healing is so hard sometimes, that I'm terrified of facing the DETAILS, the search for resources (recently found an amazing women's trauma organization w/peer-to-peer counseling, healing circles, creativity circles 💜), and currently sometimes drowning in the emotional disregulation I'm dealing with now that little by little that stuff is coming out of the dark and with it comes ALL the feelings, way too many sometimes...and the dissociation that's protected me since I was a little girl and trying to stay grounded for longer periods of time...I'll be seeing my therapist today and I think I'll share this video with her. Again thank you, I'm so glad I found your channel. 💜
I have dealt with humiliation & shame for years. I avoid making friends (a lonely world) & I don’t interact with people if I can help it. Employer events or after hour work drinks or parties, I don’t attend. I put on a great performances around people; they think I’m outgoing. I’m a broken soul who can’t shake a painful past. 6/24/20 @ 1:28A.
In the other hand the definition of shame and guilt and how they affect me was pretty helpful. I've had shame waaaaayyyyyy to many times, but I thought it was guilt. It is good to know now the difference between shame and guilt.
Thank you for yet another great video. Today I reached out for help from my school pastoral team. I am now getting counselling for trauma and bipolar mostly. Thank you so much for making my journey so much easier. I love your videos xx
Shame is a huge, huge part of my life unfortunately. I had (have but am estranged) a very angry, emotionally abusive mother and the constant in my life was her telling me that I WAS a bad person (rather than did a bad thing). One of my first memories is my mom screaming at me that I was “the MOST selfish person she had eve met!”....I was about 4. Pretty sure children tend to be selfish. Lol I had a wonderful therapist who helped me with my dissociative symptoms sooo much. I can’t afford to see her right now because I’m in university and I wish I could. Take care everyone!
atherwitch I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through...that is awful. I’m so glad your therapist was able to help you heal, but it’s gotta be so rough having to stop. I hope you’re able to get back to it soon. 💜 All the best to you on your healing journey.
I'm ashamed of my weight and childlike outbursts of fear. I have been laughed at and humiliated many times i put up a block. Will be seeing a psychologist soon
I was ashamed that I hated my mother because she was emotionally abusive but that shame prevented me from telling anyone what was going on because I felt like I should love my mum when in fact I never have
I had a sometimes emotionally absent mother, this I think caused a trauma bond in me as an adult in my ability to develop heathy intimacy with women. I would struggle for crumbs, hoping women would notice me then feeling a great deal of panic when they finally did. I would often behave foolishly hoping for attention, then I would feel a great deal of shame afterwards.
Wow Kati, I feel like you read my mind and posted exactly what I needed to hear this week. I've been feeling shameful for a long while now, just in general, and it doesn't seem to be directly connected to the trauma I suffered 2 years ago, but my mom (who went through the same trauma) was recently diagnosed with PTSD, and she keeps pushing me to get help as well. I've just felt unworthy of getting help, but I know that I won't feel any better until I do ask for help.
I think shame is mostly a tool of social control, because I think shame is a way to survive when you have no control. If you internalize the message that you are bad, you'll sumbit more readily, and this is sometimes advantageous in situations where you have the lower hand, because it could prevent some of the aggression that would have been directed at you.
I was just discussing something like this with my therapist the other day. I had no idea shame affected me so much, even though I mostly suffer from anxiety. I'm so happy you made this, since finding out I've been struggling with feelings of shame has freaked me out, and I still have no idea how to fully handle it.
I don’t know how to work past the shame I live with because it was inflicted on me from childhood. I was not wanted, malnourished abused and unloved. My mother didn’t even want me in the same room with her and she would tell me she wished I wasn’t born. Then as a younger adult I was an alcoholic and I stopped drinking around age 40 but I now suffer from chronic pain. I am 51 now…I wonder if it is just shame that causes the pain itself. I just want to not have ptsd symptoms every time I remember something from my past. If I get into an argument with someone I get thrown into that same feeling of shame even if I have valid reasons for my actions and I have to bow out because I just can’t do it.
My comments are always lengthy so i apologise. I hope you heal! I can relate to you and earlier i wanted to be with my family but now i know i have to go no contact w my mom who's exactly the same. I am not editing the comment i wrote. It is very old and it's from my journal. My cousin tried to put something 🧪 in my mom's food and still my mom loves her but loathes me. Please reply if you want to because i want insight. People can make you feel guilty for your mistakes; more guilty than you deserved to feel. They can create and instill endless shame in you that never goes away no matter how much you improve. It is in their intention to punish endlessly so they will never accept but instead deny reality that someone else is improving because otherwise they won't have any reason to excuse or hide their malicious intentions and merciless, punitive behaviour. Petty, sadistic people do this. They would never stop going after someone their whole lives just because that person made one single mistake. Reality is they just want to harm anyway, with or without any reason, just to regulate their own emotions so they will never stop. But the irony is if they meet people like them they wouldn't be able to tolerate because they never look within. That guy i mentioned below; told me that "Good people don't feel much guilty; only very rarely." Yeah because he's a 'good'person who lies to himself? I am not labelling anyone but this is my perspective after they labelled me. This is from my journal 📝 ⬇️ "A narc (my cousin+ex-housemate) has a habit to smear campaign everywhere possible so i dealt with her for nine years since i was 4. She left no place whether my school, friends', teachers', relatives', dance academy, park, neighbourhood and made everyone hate me. She again smeared my name to a relative and then i thought: "this time i should reply in their language." The other person believed her and tried to instill fear in me and hate, bully me covertly so i also gossiped to his sister. I did that to make him realise but instead i came to know that he became even more vindictive, sadistic and intends serious harm like SA. But how can he blame or intend to harm me or my family for all his issues when he never spent his childhood around me? He behaves as if every wrong thing ever happened to him was because of me and my family. I only met him twice or thrice and only in events. Never otherwise. Then how can he label me as the crazy one when he doesn't even know me or my family? My family have been through a lot because of that gossip girl (cousin). Everybody is oblivious and loves them bc they've always maintained a good reputation just by pretending and doing everything covertly. I can confront and take accountability also but they will never accept what they did, only deflect. If I had known my name was being smeared at that event before I arrived, I would have turned back halfway and not attended the event at all. I accept that what i did was wrong and cannot be justified. But nobody thinks of serious harm just over a gossip. Why he never tries to remember that he was the one to start conflict and participate in smear campaigns against me? He was the one to initiate hatred and only he's in it. I'm out. Even my cousin sis is untrustworthy but not as crazy as him. This still cannot justify what i did but why _only_ I'm the villain when i returned the same energy? So many people, would live in fear, if SA was the punishment for gossip because gossip is so common these days. And I never tried to equate petty things with SA, sadism. I never intended serious harm, sadism etc for any of them, even if they were the ones to start this conflict. I don't wish harm on anyone either. My cousin is befooling him also. She talks and visits our family frequently and even asks for money from us but during events wherever he is present; she pretends she doesn't know us and gives us silent treatment. He thinks she stands with him but she is with nobody except herself. This was an unnecessary conflict. I don't even hate anyone because i know what being hated feels like. I just want them to focus on their own life instead of me or my family. I've severed ties with all my relatives only because of this but still he is after me and my family (maybe bc my family is still in touch with others). How to convince my family to get away from our relatives? I can't tell my family because they won't understand me and if i tell... they'll confront. I don't want to escalate the situation.... I want to take my family somewhere far away. Then he would be happy too..."
I didn’t think this video would apply to my struggles with PTSD, but I was so very wrong. Your videos are so informative and helpful. Without them I wouldn’t have learned that what I thought was feelings of guilt is actually shame. I’ve been struggling with PTSD since I was 13 years old (42 now) and I haven’t yet been able to process through the trauma. I may soon be going to an Intensive Outpatient program as I’m finding my PTSD symptoms worsening and my once a week therapy doesn’t seem to be enough. I also struggle with a lot of dissociation which makes it very difficult to process the trauma. I’m having a lot of anxiety about going into this program. So many intrusive thoughts... As always, thanks for these videos. It helps me better understand what I’m dealing with and also helps me communicate better with my therapist. 💕
9:34 “Shame often gets passed around from hurt person to hurt person because it’s often too difficult to deal with...but once we’ve figured out where the shame came from...we’re able to safely reframe these situations to see that it wasn’t, in fact, our fault and that there isn’t anything inherently wrong with us, then we can develop healthier coping skills and relationships.” I LOVE this 🙏🏾😊❤️
I also coined, "Hot Potato" because my family dumped all their crap on me. Cruelty. I feel ashamed of how they treated me (scapegoat), maybe humiliation is a better word. I am embarrassed-it was behind my back- I didn't even know how to protect myself. My shame came up over time after a recent trigger. I'm aware, but, it's difficult. I have had a great deal of trauma. I am also a HPS person, empathic. My mother is gone, but, said it was wrong. A once close sibling has joined the others. I know for myself, shame is linked with trauma. You don't quite know what happened, it destroys your emotional scaffolding, thus making you feel unsafe, alone and left out. Trauma is an inner response to your sense of safety which has been shaken, altered or disrupted..it is frightening, debilitating and not a quick fix.
I'm new here but had to watch this video first. I am currently working on the shame aspect of my traumas. I try so hard to avoid talking about it but finally decided to just go for it (however, I have regressed and haven't talked about it in a few months, so I know it won't be easy re-talking about it) . It took me over a year to open up with my therapist but I'm glad I did. I'm hoping I can work though this horrible shame feeling for something that was out of my control and that wasn't my fault.
I suffer from severe depression, anxiety, agorophobia and insomnia. I'm at the point I know I need to sign in for help but everyone around me I feel is trying to change my mind because of how it will make them look to friends. HELP what do I do😭😭😭😭😭
What Amber P said ^ and also, get help if you truly need it- sounds like you do. Only keep the people who don’t judge you for getting help and stay strong, you can get through it! Good luck
I don't quite agree with snapping a rubber band on my wrist as a healthy copping skill. I've done it and it really gets to hurt more than cutting myself. So I really think it's a way of self-harm. It's like trying to quit smoking by using an electronic cigarette. It just doesn't work.
I wondered about that. I have never k*t, but thought the rubber band/pain thing may not be helpful in changing that coping strategy for those who used it. I like the distraction tho
Sometimes I don't even know how to feel because when I do try to help someone in their time of need like Son of an Uncle I have that lost a friend that it was the only one they had for years and then I'm being punished for trying to help him. Most of the time I've been too afraid to actually go completely of my way to help anyone since. Especially when a family member happens to be a celebrity in a matter of speaking that did it. Sometimes I even have something of a conversation as if I was releving the situation over and over again at random times.
Kati Morton I needed this. I can never understand this kind of stuff; especially since I'm still struggling with my PTSD. I asked my Psychiatrist; and she told me that you can't really prescribe Medication to someone struggling with PTSD.
Hi Kati, I just want to say thank you so much. Your channel has helped me and inspired me so much this year. So much so, that I’m currently seeing a therapist, whose name is also Katie, and I’m taking medication for my bipolar disorder. Your channel gave me the strength to get help. Thank you so much. ♥️🌹♥️
I first want to thank you for sharing, this was really helpful. I know can look toward my healing after 58 years of suffering, I have finally found an answer.
Negative Voice: “it’s Monday, the worst day of the week!”
Positive Voice: “Kati releases videos on Mondays.”
Negative Voice: “Touché, you win this round!”
TK I love this
Hmm... Maybe that's why she chose Mondays...
Haha yes! I’m gona have to make watching these videos a Monday ritual
Love it!! xoxo
@@Katimorton love your videos
I feel deep shame when I make the smallest mistakes, and I don’t know why.
Edit, 3 years later: Looks like I had a lot of really fucked up repressed trauma, I've been dealing with it and learning to love myself over the years. It's been a long journey, but I'm so so glad I've changed my outlook on life for the better since the day I wrote this comment. I wish peace and happiness to you all :)
Humor helps... Try to find something funny. Then you dont feel as bad. Laugh at yourself. I wish you can overcome this 💞🙏🎶 I love music 🎶
You may want to talk with your therapist about this.. it could be related to trauma, self esteem, or anxiety. xoxo
Me too :(
Childhood reasons. Go "soul searching" and get through the horrors of it and come out stronger and of clarity
I feel shame when i interact with friends and family.
I've heard from a lot of therapists and other sources that you do not have to fear for your life to be traumatized. Like rape. It's often something hugely scary or painful against which you feel powerless.
Kelly Vincent this! Or else how would there be “little t traumas”
I was thinking the same thing
How is pain not threatening to any living being?
How is something "hugely scary" - as you worded it beautifully - different to fear (for your life) ?
If someone puts a fake gun at your head and you don't know it's fake, do you think you'll be less traumatized?
If someone rapes you: What else could they be capable of?! How do you NOT fear for your life?!
The door to traumatization of the nervous system opens when facing a real OR perceived life-threatening situation of which one cannot escape.
That includes loved ones being threatened, or the loss of them. Especially under more acute circumstances.
Also you dont have to actually experience a truly life threatening trauma to FEEL and FEAR that your life is on the line. Parents putting a child down is not actually life threatening, but makes the child feel that it is because if their parents reject them, they will be without the necessities of survival and die
@@SuspiriaX Well, perhaps it is essentially "fear for your life", but I suppose some of us find it difficult to relate to that phrase. I didn't realize I was traumatized for ages--despite experiencing symptoms of PTSD and seeing the word "trauma" come up over and over--because I didn't think I'd ever experienced anything that qualified as trauma, a supposedly "life-threatening event". It was like, nope, none of that has ever happened to me, so I must be confused or making this up or something. However, when phrased as "a deeply distressing or disturbing experience" or even better (to me), "something hugely scary or painful against which you feel powerless", I understand better and can relate more.
I guess it's difficult because even though I didn't think of it as life-threatening, now I understand that this is what my body felt.
Out of the blue, when I was 14, my mother decided she'd send my younger brother and I to meet our father, who had been non-existent for my entire memorable life. We didn't want to go, had no interest in meeting him, but she was insistent. It was supposed to be a two week visit. Part of the way she convinced us was to show us the round-trip airline tickets. The night before our return flight, she called to say that she'd cashed the tickets and that we would be better off living with our dad. It was horrific and devastating, emotionally.
The damage she inflicted destroyed my sense of self-worth (if I had any to start with). Three years later, our now-divorced dad tried the same thing. If being rejected by both your mom and dad doesn't completely mess you up, I don't know what will.
So sorry :( I have a similar story and it wrecked me and set me up for incredibly abusive relationships
@@hadassah6085 I get it. Me, too. I’m like a human carpet for the women in my life. Sucks, big.
I am so sorry
@@codacreator6162 I know the feeling
Been there too 😞
For me, shame doesn't feel like I felt at fault for an unpleasant situation. For me, it feels like something is inherently wrong with me.
I discovered, I was "made of shame" (that's how I felt upon the realization): I had so much shame around almost everything, and it really defined me.
Mine started in childhood, with my mom using shame as a discipline tool. I then learned to keep doing it to myself. "I'm so bad! I'm so stupid! I'm annoying! I'm not worthy," etc. My mom also liked to point out to others about how much I inconvenienced her (e.g. because I cried when the store was out of the shoes I wanted in my size, which I did because I thought if I had the "cool shoes," I wouldn't get bullied this year at school), and that felt to me like shame: "I'm such an annoying, dumb kid." So, I didn't recognize that my feelings were valid.
Emotion-tracking was really helpful for me. I found that I was almost 100% disconnected from my emotions (even in my dreams!). I discovered that was because my mom used to shame and ridicule my emotions (like with the shoe story above). Of course, bullies also did that too, "oh waaaa, such a crybaby."
I believe this is caused by abuse from my own experience. It's because we internalize all the bullshit that we experienced growing up. Hugs.
thequestess I hope you feel good about yourself now.
Always remember life is too short to feel bad about yourself, you are worth it
Know that one person which is me thinks you are worth it and not a crybaby and is fighting through tough times. Just keep on fighting until you see the light 👍👍😊😊😊
DONT GIVE UP JUST DONT
thequestess I hope you feel good about yourself now.
Always remember life is too short to feel bad about yourself, you are worth it
Know that one person which is me thinks you are worth it and not a crybaby and is fighting through tough times. Just keep on fighting until you see the light 👍👍😊😊😊
DONT GIVE UP JUST DONT
thequestess I hope you feel good about yourself now.
Always remember life is too short to feel bad about yourself, you are worth it
Know that one person which is me thinks you are worth it and not a crybaby and is fighting through tough times. Just keep on fighting until you see the light 👍👍😊😊😊
DONT GIVE UP JUST DONT
I totally feel you... bullied all my life and same thing with my mom,who I lived with the majority of the time. Amongst other traumas and her calling me crazy useless stupid bitch,you deserve to live in a nut house, etc etc
Never validated my feelings
I was suicidally depressed and she wouldn't talk to me or help me even when I asked...its extremely hard to get by when everywhere you go youre put down...it feels like you have no safe place. And i internalized it as well. Self hatred, low low self esteem to this day. It's hard when that's all you ever hear and dont have anyone to turn to, you believe it, and think if you weren't you...these things wouldn't be happening. Its hard to look back on. I ended up cutting, starving myself, binging and purging, and people telling me I lose weight or looked good just egged me on because for once I got a compliment, instead of fat, lard ass, ugly, etc etc. The eating disorders seemed to calm down somewhat once I was out of school and started drinking excessively for the next 8 years,but it was still there.. I've been reflecting on my past lately because I'm waiting to start emdr therapy. I'm now in the worst state of my life, i stopped drinking but things took a turn for the worst and I didn't seem to realize it until it was too late. I'm now not working,barely leave my apartment, no income, filing for bankruptcy and can't afford my doctor or therapy so I dont know how that's gonna work out. Also back to wanting to die every day, no support from family and no one to talk to. I'm terrified. I have extreme social anxiety, GAD,MDD, substance abuse, I get panic attacks regularly and I seem to have some weird phone phobia, its humiliating, I've ruined a lot because I want able to make phone calls. I dknt know why. I can't focus or understand and concentrate on anything and I have all this paperwork ,just looking at me makes me feel like puking. I feel dissociated but also very aware of how sick I feel, and how sick I am right now. Never how I thought my life would be, that's for sure.
I'd like to know why the definition of trauma specifies that one has to fear for their life. I've had a rough childhood and withstood a lot of bullying and sibling abuse. On top of that I've been in situations where I was in physical danger and feared for my life however the interpersonal non-life threatening events left a much deeper and enduring mark on me which resulted in EMDR treatment and later a psychiatrist recognizing symptoms of PTSD and connecting it to relational trauma. The life-threatening physical events did produce acute symptoms like fear and avoidance but they went quickly once I faced those fears.
CreepyDani I’ve heard a lot of other definitions of trauma that don’t include life threat....I agree that “trauma” is so much more than that.
Yes Kati please do a video on this!!
Eli Silverado stay strong so sorry about that
The trauma definition is very bad. Children who are physically or sexually abused may not fear fof their lives but are still traumatized.
I'm so glad you said something because as soon as she quoted the definition I felt angry, it's wayyyyy less black and white than that
Awesome video, Kati!
I remember one time my mom went through my hospital discharge paperwork (without permission) and saw PTSD on there, the first thing she said: "you don't have PTSD"
In my head I was just like "you wouldn't know because you're the reason and thanks for putting me back on the shame train, ma!"
I just kept my mouth shut and smiled though.
DyKoetah Thompson wow what a terrible response she had to you...I’m so sorry. I’ve had that response too. You, your feelings, and conditions are 100% valid.
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I aggree with you. My shame is connected to huge trauma in childhood. It escalated into PTSD and then bipolar I. I haved cured myself to a degree humanly possible because Im very resilliant. 🙏❤
Thank you so much for sharing!! xoxo
How did you overcome it? I'm struggling.
Hey Kati, can you make a video talking about social anxiety making you feel younger than you are. What exactly causes it and how can we fix it?
I thought I was the only one who felt social anxiety made me feel younger than I am. I think for me it's because I compare myself to others who have more experience hence I feel immature because I lack see of the experiences so coal anxiety has stopped me from doing
What a good question!! I have added this to my thursday list and will work on it :) xoxo Thanks!
I don't think I have social anxiety (but I would say I struggle with shyness a bit). However, I definitely know how you feel about feeling like a little kid!
For me, I think it's things that link back to my childhood. For example, if someone yells at me, I can feel like a little child cowering in the corner. That's because it takes me back there, to that time when I was taking the parental scoldings. I bet the present triggers something stored in my brain from back then, and it all gets linked up together.
I can also feel like a little kid when someone thinks my opinion or viewpoint is stupid. I was bullied for years as a kid, so it takes me right back there, to when I was being taunted for being "stupid." (I actually have an above average IQ, so I know intellectually I'm not stupid, but emotionally I often feel like I am.)
jada allen great suggestion. I am 43 but feel like I'm still much younger. There's that saying that goes "you're as young as you feel," but for me I think there's a deep trauma that causes denial. I hope we get to see your answer from Kati.
Wow! Im not alone! Im 62 and have never felt like a real grown- up. Never accomplished what other people have. Never had a really stable life.
It is so hard not to be ashamed. Thank you for the insight.
I hope it helps a bit :) xoxo
Hey Kati please do more video on this topic.
Gabbie Fulton it is such an important topic, isn’t it?
Agree
Im with Gabbie would love to see more videos on this topic as self loathing is something so many of us deal with through this shame trauma. Glad I found this video.
I always feel like you’re watching me, thinking...’ what does she need to hear right now’
As always Kati, thank you. You’re an amazing soul ✌🏽 xd
Awe I am so glad the video topics have been on point for you!!! yay!! xoxo
This is my whole life. I believe I'm a terrible person, was a terrible bully as a kid, insensitive and just stupid. I've been told that quite a few times by my own family. It led me to believe that everything I'm struggling with now (depression, anxiety, ptsd) is what I deserve. I've never allowed myself to be a victim because I WAS TOLD I WAS THE EVIL ONE! I am so ashamed of all the bad stuff that I did as a kid, that I was told I did (ripping my family apart, destroying their lifes, make us homeless). Only recently am I starting to realise that maybe it wasn't all my fault. But it's really hard to admit because that would seem like I'm not taking responsibility. Does anyone feel the same? I almost feel brainwashed: I think I was the most horrible child, but when I re-read my old diaries, I see just a scared, neglected child. I'm so confused.
I am a disgusting monster, fit only to contain horror and be buried out of sight so I don't accidentally hurt anyone. I can understand the thought.
wonderfuul descriptions...and powerfull
I think maybe shame is something you feel when you're made to feel guilty, even though deep deep down, you know you've done nothing wrong.
This is my favorite thing I've read about shame. This resonates like a bell in my heart. Thank you for saying this.
Interesting thought. Maybe so, for the original trauma. Still, I think it's more complicated than that. I think shame can be quite different than guilt, though they are frequently confused. Shame, apparently, isn't really about anything you've done. It's how you've come to feel about who you are. Toxic shame, that is.
@@ryk6207 yeah but it makes sense that it starts off with guilt. if youve been told that youve done bad and youre wrong, you feel guilty as a child then from the guilt the child starts feeling like im guilty all the time i must be a bad person, then from that thought the shame starts...even though they arent the same thing guilt and shame are connected
Brené Brown explains the difference between shame and guilt as shame believing that you are inherently wrong and guilt is believing that you did something wrong in that moment.
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Toxic shame is something I have carried with me for so so long and I have never needed a video more than I needed this tonight, as always thank you Kati!
I am so glad I can help!!! xoxo
This is a really great video! I'm currently stuck as an adult and I'm just now realizing that I had alot of shame and trauma as a child. I personally never had anyone teach me about emotions and their significance. Having resources to learn more at this time is priceless! Thanks for sharing! It's so crucial to learn about emotions and why we have them and to know that it is okay and normal to have them!
I’m 60 yrs old and just learning about trauma and was just diagnosed with c-ptsd. I wish you well and ❤️🩹
I have extremely valid reasons to be ashamed, but I need to overcome because unlike guilt it can be a very debilitating feeling that demotivates you. Humiliation is a huge aspect, as is embarrassment, and for me shame is something I heap on myself for being weak in certain situations that left a deep impact on my confidence and how I view myself.
Thank you so much for this video, Kati. I loved this so much. I absolutely know that shame is born from trauma. I was physically, sexually and emotionally abused from a very very young age. And I carried the shame of that for 64 years before I found the right tools to heal from that. I have heard it said that shame is blame turned upon ourselves, and I believe that is true. We were never to blame for what was done to us. It was not our fault our caretakers chose to do those things to us, but we soaked it all up like a sponge because our brain had no other way to process the horror of it. So we carried their blame. Such a horrible thing to do to a child. I appreciate so much all that you do. You really are exceptional. Thank you.
Jan. I’m 60. So I can totally relate. Never knew it was trauma. It’s really a lifelong process and draining. So many stressful years gone by. I hope you’re well. 💗
@@joywilliams4014 sweet lady, I am. I hope you are too dear heart!
May I ask what helped you?
Nn
I don't agree that shame only comes when you feel like you should have done something different in response to the trauma. What about feeling ashamed that you feel traumatised at all? E-g something happens to you, and other people have experienced similar, but they don't seem to be as traumatised or affected by it? Or when the traumatic offence was committed by someone who's supposed to love you and protect you, it gives you a sense of something being wrong with you, that you're not worthy of love and protection, and that's a form of shame as well. It's not always that you feel like you could have "done" something different, just a sense that there must be something wrong with you if people would treat you that way.
PRoseLegendary, you took the words out of my mouth.. I was diagnosed with trauma and I never feel shame for not being able to fix it, I feel shame because I don’t feel like I’m lovable and that there’s a big stain in me. I couldn’t help the abuse and bullying that happened to me as a child, and I certainly couldn’t prevent it, but it has affected me my whole life!
Same here. I've struggled a lot with this because what caused my trauma is so common, I felt like I was overreacting. Whenever I feel a symptom of my PTSD, like a flashback or something, I'm always afraid people will notice. If they do, I'm scared they will ask what caused it, and I'll have to explain how badly I react to what I think other people feel is "nothing".
Yes, I agree with this please answer this
There must be something wrong with YOU if people treat you badly. This explains a lot for me
I feel shame that I have not been able to have a relationship with my narcissistic mother. Thank you for doing this video and getting me deeper into understanding this. Relationships are 50/50 and I’ve been taking all the blame.
I just told my therapist about some really bad sexual experiences I had a few years ago, which was really hard to do. And I've been feeling overwhelmed with shame ever since. This video comes right on time to make me feel hopeful that things will get better eventually. Thank you for everything you do Kati
Awe I am so proud of you for talking to your therapist about that and sharing something so difficult. I am glad this video came at a good time! I hope it was helpful :) xoxo
Audentia11 Me too. xo
Your not alone
Hi Kati love your channel! 💕 I've have had my friends check your channel out and now they are hooked. You deserve more subscribers because you're great. Keep up the good work!
Awe yay!! Thanks for telling your friends!!! xoxo
I was shamed constently regularly about my adhd and i was suppose to be greatful for it. When i protested it i was told they know better and i needed to emotionally regulate better because when ur a kid and "disabled" your feelings dont matter.
I'm very sorry.
I always get Shame and Trauma so confused, thank you for discussing this Kati ❤️
Of course!! Glad it was helpful :) xoxo
You “always” seem to make the right videos that I needed to see to help my world. My partner is struggling with Shame but not Guilt. I couldn’t understand the relationship between the guilt and self loathing in him. Now I can reframe it with Shame instead. This might make more sense to him to help him heal through. Thank you so much.
Awe yay! I am so glad I can be a helpful resource!! xox
Kati Morton it was a lightbulb for him when I sent him the link! He was shocked at how Shame is exactly the term he feels though wasn’t calling it as such!
You just helped a whole family expand their tools and build trust through understanding.
Grounding has been the biggest help for me - activating the root chakra
Working on my ankle, hip, knee mobility and working on glute, ham, calf foot via squats with good form works on stabilizing your posture and allows you to use the energy to process uncomfortable emotions
I just recently started seeing a therapist and she mentioned that i have a lot of childhood trauma and some PTSD because of it and OMG what you are saying is exactly what I am struggling with - number 2 is what i feel like every single day of my life
The idea of gathering resources and grounding are the first steps before processing in EMDR. For me, EMDR is kind of like exposure therapy as extremely traumatic and embarrassing events were revisited. I am so glad I've been able to feel the pain of shame because as soon as I felt safe enough to feel the pain, it didn't feel like a toxic poison inside of me, holding myself prisoner anymore... I wasn't alone with it. But feeling safe before going deep was key... otherwise talking about it was just retraumatizing. I feel like it's unkind to myself and maybe even a form of emotional self-abuse to ruminate or overshare or even force myself to talk about highly painful events when I don't feel safe.
This is amazing, I feel shame from having an abortion in my early 20s, having a toxic and unhealthy relationship as my first love experience, daddy issues, mommy issues, failed friendships, living with cervical cancer. Just so much for so long but now I am processing it and healing from having it out in the open.
Hey Kati! Can you make a video on overprotective/“helicopter” parents and whether or not it impacts mental health? It gives me and my sister and tremendous amount of anxiety but I don’t know how to explain to them that what they’re doing is harmful. Thanks! Love your videos! 💚
Imagine never being protected or feeling abandoned and weigh what you feel now. What would you rather? I'd go as far to guess that your parents never felt protected even though it may be annoying how is it hurting your life?.
the first feeling felt as a child was being a shame that my parents are divorced always felt unlucky as a kid and shame of myself that I would never ever talk to my friends or my cousins about the divorce and always acted like my parents live together " maybe my family was the only family I know get divorced in my hood and in my school " .. I'm in my latest 20s and until this day I never talk about it .. last year a friend asked me if my parents are divorce like some say and I lied !! shame feeling grows in me every year about every thing and the situation that I feel shame when I remember keep coming back almost everyday ...
what if you were taught to feel shameful? my parents were emotionally abusive and over many years taught me to think I am fundamentally bad. that's not shame that arises because I think there's something that I should've or could've done, it was imbued in me by people who gave me the impression that I should be ashamed.
Speaking about trauma, can you talk about what happens to you when you hear traumatic stories? My ex had a terrible dad and heard her stories multiple times. While I don't feel affected negatively by it, I can't stop thinking about it and it feels weird because it's starting to feel like it's my story just as much it is hers. I can't explain it well, but I just feel icky like I have fish bones in my throat.....
Thanks for all the work you put into this channel! Looking forward to more episodes from you :)
This video was really useful ! I totally agree that when you know where 'shame' comes from its more easy to work on with trauma!
I cannot thank you enough for this video. I'd love a 2nd and more detailed video on these subjects, please. Thank you so much.
You got it!! So glad you found it helpful :) xoxo
Can you make a video on cptsd that isn't veteran focused?
Heidi E what’s that pls??
Pri USA complex PTSD, the features are a little different than classic PTSD
She has
@@sambednar3351 ptsd the c is complex
Complex PTSD differs in that it is long term or many Traumas usually since childhood, or in a captive type situation.
Yeah, you're in my head somehow. This is something I struggle with every day even though I do know the difference.
Something that my trauma therapist and I work on is feelings of shame that come from not making progress "quickly enough", not just shame I was made to experience because of abuse. I feel sorry for her sometimes, having to watch me for all of the different ways I might spring leaks. :)
I am so glad this video came at a good time :) And I am so glad you are seeing a trauma therapist!! xoxo Oh and trust me, she doesn't mind ;)
This is super intersting. I think it's super important to mention that trauma is not necessarily tied to a fear for yours or someone elses life which is what the most current research is saying.
I love this video kati! I really needed this. Right now I’m struggling with a lot of things. I don’t feel anything, it’s like I’m numb. I’ve never been this low, and it’s kind of scary.
You are so inspiring and explain stuff so well! Everyone can get better!
Awe thank you :) And yes!! Everyone can!! xoxo
Kati Morton you are amazing!
Hi Katie! I love your channel so much. I have been watching your chanbel since I was in 7th grade when I started struggling. You videos have gotten me through alot and I can almost always relate to whay you are talking about. I'm now in 10th grade, I've had really bad trust issues and fear of men and bad self confidence issues and today they announced homecoming court at school and announced that I was voted for my grade and it was a huge boost of confidence. Love you Kati
This video changed my life. Let it change yourself for real ❤️❤️
I have, over the years, begun to think that if someone is traumatized and their rational brain places the guilt where it belongs onto the person or situation that caused the trauma to begin with, then the heart would naturally align with the brain and that any left over fear, stress, or shame would be gone or managed. But that cleary is not the case with so many folks. Human nature. Myself included in the above. Is there science behind why the feelings remain even after most or all guilt is gone? If so, can you do an extended video on that topic? The why the brain and feelings and/or emotions are separate? Katie Jo
I can definitely talk about this more.. I will add your question to my list. But in short, how we feel and what we think can be different (and usually are) because even if we understand or can rationalize something, it doesn't change the way we felt. You know? I can understand that my friend was just going through a hard time and took it out on me, but that doesn't mean I won't still feel hurt. Does that make sense?? xoxo
Kati Morton It really does, that makes so much sense. Like, if I am in pain because I hurt my back and then yell at my family member. They may understand why and not blame me, but they still could feel hurt ... gotcha. Thank you Kati. I have been watching you for a few years and your videos on Anorexia helped me know to contact a medical doctor very quickly when I slid past disordered eating. So it made ALL the difference. Thank you is not enough. 😄
Kati, you make the most helpful videos ever! Thank you for everything❤️
Awe yay!! So happy to help! xoxo
This makes sooo much sense. And I feel like for me this shame increases isolation and not reaching out to anyone even more because when you're out of, say a bad relationship, your friends also start shaming you in a way. And this entire "if he wajted to he would" is soo unnecessary and useless. It does no good but increase your anxiety for most people. When you tell about it to your friends it's either shaming the guy or telling you that you're stupid to stay, both of which do not help. We need a safe space, we want to be heard without any judgement. We want an assurance that even if I do leave my partner I'll have a support system, but all this shaming just does the opposite, leading you to seek comfort in what's hurting you instead. And for me, unfortunately tge therapists I've been with also weren't good at gaining my trust and I've felt ashamed there as well.
For me the shame comes from the fact that what I went through wasn’t acknowledged for a long time so I felt like I should have gotten over it. Like the way that I was reacting was over dramatic and I was just being sensitive and irrational. I know I couldn’t have stopped what happened because I was too young. I know that. The shame is from the way other people reacted to me. Usually people who knew something was up but not quite what. I felt like I was being shunned and told to be normal and I felt like there was something inherently wrong with me for feeling the way that I was and acting the way that I was. That’s where my shame came from. Post event not during the event.
My God ! I realized why now i'm feeling like that !It's such a hard time for me now and you helped me to understand what is happening with me I thank you so much dear soul!
Yeah, this is what I deal with daily. I've been ashamed of what I let happen to me since I was a kid. Now that I'm older the shame is getting worse
Thank you so much for the great content, I just want to precise :
I personally experienced shame, but it wasn’t caused by trauma, shame can be simply a result of bad choices that we’ve been responsible of, and could have avoided as you said. Everything has a reason, and for this matter, it’s definitely not always trauma, but if it’s a really shameful wrong doing, reasons cannot justify your actions.
Only a new start and self forgiveness can change things, this is what I have been struggling with, I couldn’t just accept the thought of spoiling everything I build up to now and just start a new. It was hard looking people in the eye, and hard to feel at ease in most comfortable moments. It was unbearable. I felt like I had to break some ideals, start afresh and maybe I can rebuild those ideals later when I’m feeling better. It was just a whole pile of work and time consuming process! but the most effective solutions.
And it’s only logical when you look into it,
What’s happened has happened, you cannot change the past, if it was some small common mistakes you can forgive yourself and carry on with your life, if you feel like you trespassed some boundaries and it was impossible to handle, you’ve got to break some ideals temporarily and be a better person in the process, so you can forget what’s happened before and build a new image that suits your ideals.
It’s question of satisfaction, I like or not the person I am yet!
So the key is: lower ideals, good choices, better person, better ideals, better image of myself, no more shame.
Kati I love that you're learning so much about trauma and sharing it! I wish I had these resources when I was learning about the PTSD I was experiencing. I found the information eventually but it's great that you're sharing it here in one place.
My mom used shame as a tool when I was a kid, if I wasn't behaving the way she wanted, she'd shame me. If she wanted me to behave well at the grocery store she'd tell me if i didnt behave she'd be so embarrassed and ashamed of me. If I made a mistake growing up, she'd tell me how disappointed she was in me and that she thought I was better than that.
I don't think she ever meant to hurt me, growing up we had a wonderful relationship, I always felt i could talk to her and she always kept me safe and gave me lots of hugs and cuddles - however... that shame, has rooted itself in me in a way I can't even describe. 💔
shame usually comes from being overly controlled, criticized, and humiliated. shame makes you feel like you're a dirty, disgusting and bad person. it can also be a result of not allowing yourself to be wrong and making mistakes. so when you make a mistake you feel overwhelmed by a deep sense of shame that stops you from forgiving yourself and moving on.
Yes trauma and shame are so linked! It strikes me that both incapacitate the will so that we get stuck in our shame and trauma responses. I’ve only just started to unpack my traumas. Thanks for showing the way forward !
Hey Kati, Im 16 and I feel shame when I remember the abuse I’ve been through. Especially when I think some of my actions caused it. 😔 I couldn’t stop a lot of those instances.
And now I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin
@@bekkahw3188 "when I think some of my actions caused it"
So where exactly is this thought originating from?
Did the person who abused you put this idea inside of your head, blame-shifting and all? ...
.. or, has blaming yourself been your brain's strategy to avoid feelings of help-/powerlessness?
The latter would be brain logic: if you are to blame, then at least you're in control of your life. Right?
Brains sometimes prefer feelings of guilt and shame over profound feelings of help- and powerlessness.
It may try anything to uphold that illusion of being totally in control over one's life.
"I couldn’t stop a lot of those instances."
Noone likes the sense of ineffectiveness that this realization brings along. Especially not the brain.
So it may want to trick you by making you the perpetrator in your head.
Perpetrators are in control.
Your shame and self-blame could be a defense mechanism.
Thanks for this. I felt shame for years, and still do a little bit though I think I've processed through it a lot. I do get hit with very sad and depressive moods seemingly random or when I encounter one of my triggers. that's what I theorize, I'm not sure why I sometimes get really sad moods randomly. its only been happening this past year and a half I'd say and I have no experience with the sudden change in mood where I am very sad and crying. I hope this video and others will help me get through the shame I got that built up over the years while I combated it almost alone. Thanks Kati!
We’ve been doing this in psychology class recently so this really helped! Thank you I’ll be sharing the video In my class tomorrow x
Awe yay! I hope it's helpful for them too!!! xoxo
Wow, this is one of the most helpful videos I've seen thus far. Trauma and shame are definitely connected and I deal with it in therapy every week. Thank you for this video!!! I added it to my favorites so I can rewatch it from time to time :)
My boyfriend is so positive-- to the point where having any uncomfortable or negative emotion at all is unacceptable. Nothing gets processed. Full speed ahead with a smile only. I have a lot going on, and I need to process. He can't handle it, and he broke up with me today. Guess I should have said "my ex-boyfriend". I've sent him some of your videos, and he hadn't gotten around to watching them. I wish he would. I know they would help him. But they help me. Thank you. Feels good to know it's OKAY TO FEEL. And that feeling is different than living in the feeling. Really, why aren't all kids taught emotional intelligence? Society NEEDS emotional intelligence, almost, I feel, as much as a roof over our heads. Thank you, Kati. I love you and all the good you give the world.
Again, perfect timing Kati! I have been struggling with this so much lately and my psychologist has been very helpful. Shame has taken over my life in the last few months, but I'm starting to realise that the abuse wasn't all my fault - I'll get there one day. Thanks again Kati xx
I loved this so much I have always wonderd about this I never understood why I felt like It was all my fault and that I was bad and deserved it I started self harming and starving myself and just feeling more and more shamefull over not getting better. I still feel like the trauma was my fault a bit. I loved hearing these tips. I am trying to Get help
You're sounding a lot like me
Hanna Sofia yeah I am norwegian i would love to talk with you
I am so sorry you had to go through any trauma... and I am glad that this video was helpful :) xoxo
Clicked on this because just a few weeks ago I was talking to my friends how the guilt I felt seemed to start feeling so different than shame. When I saw this I instantly clicked and it filled in so many gaps for me! Wow! What a great find for me. Thank you.
I didn't even realise I had been traumatised until 20 years later when it hit me. I just happened to develop an anxiety disorder at the exact same time but I never connected to them. I felt to much shame, that I left my body and created this other "distant" me. So I didn't feel shame anymore. And
at the time, even though I was feeling shamed, I never realised it because I immediatley left my body. The funny thing is that I was able to use this to my benefit as a writer, so I don't know if I'd take it back.
I could take it back for the old me. But then I'd destroy the me I've come to know and function with.
@@chattingesque372 I'm sorry. How are you doing now?
Can you make a video about making important choices and how to overcome anxiety of making a wrong choice? I’m struggling with this now. I love your videos!
Your diffferentiation between guilt and shame really spoke to me. I'm a few weeks into CPT with my therapist and this is a vital distinction. This week I'm challenging stuck points in my homework and thinking about guilt & shame in this way has already helped lessen some of the really difficult emotional tangles I"m trying to tease apart surrounding my trauma. Ty. 💙
I suffer a lot of shame, even surrounding my PTSD diagnosis itself. The smallest thing can be so healing.
Yes! For me, shame & trauma are linked.
I am aware of all my traumatic/shameful experiences. After 24 years I am finally ready to let go of the familiar shame cycles.
To look from my adults perspective & reframe what happened. To stop passing my hot potato & stop receiving others. (Great analogy by the way)!
Thank you Kati!💕
Judy in NJ
I am an adoptee and I experience shame often. It is literally the only life I have known. A pre trauma period where I was happy doesn't exist, and even if I could remember the event, I wouldn't be able to tell anyone about it because I didn't know words yet. Everything I've thought I learned about myself has been built on distorted foundations. The most random thing will trigger dysregulation and feelings of shame, and it happens literally in a second.
After the rape I endured 8 years ago, I am still working through it in therapy and with medication. I've done EMDR and it was helpful, but I need a tune up for sure.
Shame isn’t motivating...it is debilitating wow. Wow. WOW! This is my life- robed in rotted shame. This video is needed. Thank you so much Kati, these ways to help us out of shame is so helpful!
I recently discovered your videos and am finding them so helpful & particularly validating. I've been in therapy for 2 yrs. with, amazingly because it was luck-of-the draw, a woman who truly feels like my partner in healing. Until now I've had no therapy/intervention beyond ER visits followed by 30 day "voluntary" stays, I just pushed ALL my traumaS down into the dark, soldiered on with the occasional descent into deep depression. A basic physical & emotional breakdown got me into therapy. And this video speaks so much to what I'm struggling with: the shame that informs every part of my life & being, the knowledge that healing is so hard sometimes, that I'm terrified of facing the DETAILS, the search for resources (recently found an amazing women's trauma organization w/peer-to-peer counseling, healing circles, creativity circles 💜), and currently sometimes drowning in the emotional disregulation I'm dealing with now that little by little that stuff is coming out of the dark and with it comes ALL the feelings, way too many sometimes...and the dissociation that's protected me since I was a little girl and trying to stay grounded for longer periods of time...I'll be seeing my therapist today and I think I'll share this video with her. Again thank you, I'm so glad I found your channel. 💜
I have dealt with humiliation & shame for years. I avoid making friends (a lonely world) & I don’t interact with people if I can help it. Employer events or after hour work drinks or parties, I don’t attend. I put on a great performances around people; they think I’m outgoing. I’m a broken soul who can’t shake a painful past. 6/24/20 @ 1:28A.
Speaking of shame and self-injurious behaviours . . . could you please do a video on compulsive skin picking / dermatillomania? Thanks! Luv ya :)
It looks like there are a couple: th-cam.com/video/ieSBwEzbe-s/w-d-xo.html
th-cam.com/video/cKK0oPOsBqA/w-d-xo.html
Yay, just what I needed :)
In the other hand the definition of shame and guilt and how they affect me was pretty helpful. I've had shame waaaaayyyyyy to many times, but I thought it was guilt. It is good to know now the difference between shame and guilt.
Thank you for yet another great video. Today I reached out for help from my school pastoral team. I am now getting counselling for trauma and bipolar mostly. Thank you so much for making my journey so much easier. I love your videos xx
Good luck with your counseling!
Shame is a huge, huge part of my life unfortunately. I had (have but am estranged) a very angry, emotionally abusive mother and the constant in my life was her telling me that I WAS a bad person (rather than did a bad thing). One of my first memories is my mom screaming at me that I was “the MOST selfish person she had eve met!”....I was about 4. Pretty sure children tend to be selfish. Lol
I had a wonderful therapist who helped me with my dissociative symptoms sooo much. I can’t afford to see her right now because I’m in university and I wish I could.
Take care everyone!
atherwitch I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through...that is awful. I’m so glad your therapist was able to help you heal, but it’s gotta be so rough having to stop. I hope you’re able to get back to it soon. 💜 All the best to you on your healing journey.
Trauma Talk aww thank you! 👍🏻
I'm extremely happy that I've found your channel. This video is making me think more, and realize that the shame that I do feel, Isn't my fault..
I'm ashamed of my weight and childlike outbursts of fear. I have been laughed at and humiliated many times i put up a block. Will be seeing a psychologist soon
I was ashamed that I hated my mother because she was emotionally abusive but that shame prevented me from telling anyone what was going on because I felt like I should love my mum when in fact I never have
I had a sometimes emotionally absent mother, this I think caused a trauma bond in me as an adult in my ability to develop heathy intimacy with women. I would struggle for crumbs, hoping women would notice me then feeling a great deal of panic when they finally did. I would often behave foolishly hoping for attention, then I would feel a great deal of shame afterwards.
Wow Kati, I feel like you read my mind and posted exactly what I needed to hear this week. I've been feeling shameful for a long while now, just in general, and it doesn't seem to be directly connected to the trauma I suffered 2 years ago, but my mom (who went through the same trauma) was recently diagnosed with PTSD, and she keeps pushing me to get help as well. I've just felt unworthy of getting help, but I know that I won't feel any better until I do ask for help.
I think shame is mostly a tool of social control, because I think shame is a way to survive when you have no control. If you internalize the message that you are bad, you'll sumbit more readily, and this is sometimes advantageous in situations where you have the lower hand, because it could prevent some of the aggression that would have been directed at you.
I was just discussing something like this with my therapist the other day. I had no idea shame affected me so much, even though I mostly suffer from anxiety. I'm so happy you made this, since finding out I've been struggling with feelings of shame has freaked me out, and I still have no idea how to fully handle it.
I don’t know how to work past the shame I live with because it was inflicted on me from childhood. I was not wanted, malnourished abused and unloved. My mother didn’t even want me in the same room with her and she would tell me she wished I wasn’t born. Then as a younger adult I was an alcoholic and I stopped drinking around age 40 but I now suffer from chronic pain. I am 51 now…I wonder if it is just shame that causes the pain itself. I just want to not have ptsd symptoms every time I remember something from my past. If I get into an argument with someone I get thrown into that same feeling of shame even if I have valid reasons for my actions and I have to bow out because I just can’t do it.
My comments are always lengthy so i apologise.
I hope you heal!
I can relate to you and earlier i wanted to be with my family but now i know i have to go no contact w my mom who's exactly the same. I am not editing the comment i wrote. It is very old and it's from my journal.
My cousin tried to put something 🧪 in my mom's food and still my mom loves her but loathes me.
Please reply if you want to because i want insight.
People can make you feel guilty for your mistakes; more guilty than you deserved to feel. They can create and instill endless shame in you that never goes away no matter how much you improve. It is in their intention to punish endlessly so they will never accept but instead deny reality that someone else is improving because otherwise they won't have any reason to excuse or hide their malicious intentions and merciless, punitive behaviour. Petty, sadistic people do this. They would never stop going after someone their whole lives just because that person made one single mistake.
Reality is they just want to harm anyway, with or without any reason, just to regulate their own emotions so they will never stop. But the irony is if they meet people like them they wouldn't be able to tolerate because they never look within. That guy i mentioned below; told me that "Good people don't feel much guilty; only very rarely." Yeah because he's a 'good'person who lies to himself?
I am not labelling anyone but this is my perspective after they labelled me.
This is from my journal 📝 ⬇️
"A narc (my cousin+ex-housemate) has a habit to smear campaign everywhere possible so i dealt with her for nine years since i was 4. She left no place whether my school, friends', teachers', relatives', dance academy, park, neighbourhood and made everyone hate me. She again smeared my name to a relative and then i thought: "this time i should reply in their language." The other person believed her and tried to instill fear in me and hate, bully me covertly so i also gossiped to his sister. I did that to make him realise but instead i came to know that he became even more vindictive, sadistic and intends serious harm like SA. But how can he blame or intend to harm me or my family for all his issues when he never spent his childhood around me? He behaves as if every wrong thing ever happened to him was because of me and my family. I only met him twice or thrice and only in events. Never otherwise. Then how can he label me as the crazy one when he doesn't even know me or my family? My family have been through a lot because of that gossip girl (cousin). Everybody is oblivious and loves them bc they've always maintained a good reputation just by pretending and doing everything covertly. I can confront and take accountability also but they will never accept what they did, only deflect. If I had known my name was being smeared at that event before I arrived, I would have turned back halfway and not attended the event at all. I accept that what i did was wrong and cannot be justified. But nobody thinks of serious harm just over a gossip. Why he never tries to remember that he was the one to start conflict and participate in smear campaigns against me? He was the one to initiate hatred and only he's in it. I'm out. Even my cousin sis is untrustworthy but not as crazy as him. This still cannot justify what i did but why _only_ I'm the villain when i returned the same energy? So many people, would live in fear, if SA was the punishment for gossip because gossip is so common these days. And I never tried to equate petty things with SA, sadism. I never intended serious harm, sadism etc for any of them, even if they were the ones to start this conflict. I don't wish harm on anyone either.
My cousin is befooling him also. She talks and visits our family frequently and even asks for money from us but during events wherever he is present; she pretends she doesn't know us and gives us silent treatment. He thinks she stands with him but she is with nobody except herself.
This was an unnecessary conflict. I don't even hate anyone because i know what being hated feels like. I just want them to focus on their own life instead of me or my family. I've severed ties with all my relatives only because of this but still he is after me and my family (maybe bc my family is still in touch with others). How to convince my family to get away from our relatives? I can't tell my family because they won't understand me and if i tell... they'll confront. I don't want to escalate the situation....
I want to take my family somewhere far away. Then he would be happy too..."
I didn’t think this video would apply to my struggles with PTSD, but I was so very wrong. Your videos are so informative and helpful. Without them I wouldn’t have learned that what I thought was feelings of guilt is actually shame. I’ve been struggling with PTSD since I was 13 years old (42 now) and I haven’t yet been able to process through the trauma. I may soon be going to an Intensive Outpatient program as I’m finding my PTSD symptoms worsening and my once a week therapy doesn’t seem to be enough. I also struggle with a lot of dissociation which makes it very difficult to process the trauma.
I’m having a lot of anxiety about going into this program. So many intrusive thoughts...
As always, thanks for these videos. It helps me better understand what I’m dealing with and also helps me communicate better with my therapist. 💕
9:34 “Shame often gets passed around from hurt person to hurt person because it’s often too difficult to deal with...but once we’ve figured out where the shame came from...we’re able to safely reframe these situations to see that it wasn’t, in fact, our fault and that there isn’t anything inherently wrong with us, then we can develop healthier coping skills and relationships.” I LOVE this 🙏🏾😊❤️
I also coined, "Hot Potato" because my family dumped all their crap on me. Cruelty.
I feel ashamed of how they treated me (scapegoat), maybe humiliation is a better word.
I am embarrassed-it was behind my back- I didn't even know how to protect myself. My shame came up over time after a recent trigger. I'm aware, but, it's difficult. I have had a great deal of trauma. I am also a HPS person, empathic. My mother is gone, but, said it was wrong. A once close sibling has joined the others. I know for myself, shame is linked with trauma. You don't quite know what happened, it destroys your emotional scaffolding, thus making you feel unsafe, alone and left out. Trauma is an inner response to your sense of safety which has been shaken, altered or disrupted..it is frightening, debilitating and not a quick fix.
this makes so much sense. hearing this is like seeing a picture become more clear with what i am experiencing.
The shame vs. guilt trauma comparison is a great topic! Super clear and informative! Great work.
I'm new here but had to watch this video first. I am currently working on the shame aspect of my traumas. I try so hard to avoid talking about it but finally decided to just go for it (however, I have regressed and haven't talked about it in a few months, so I know it won't be easy re-talking about it) . It took me over a year to open up with my therapist but I'm glad I did. I'm hoping I can work though this horrible shame feeling for something that was out of my control and that wasn't my fault.
I suffer from severe depression, anxiety, agorophobia and insomnia. I'm at the point I know I need to sign in for help but everyone around me I feel is trying to change my mind because of how it will make them look to friends. HELP what do I do😭😭😭😭😭
What Amber P said ^ and also, get help if you truly need it- sounds like you do. Only keep the people who don’t judge you for getting help and stay strong, you can get through it! Good luck
Hands down this the best breakdown of simply understanding and the avenues (I see now) to take healthy steps to get better.
Thank you so much!!!
I needed this exact video today. Thank you
Of course! SO happy to help :) xoxo
Bach flower therapy helps! Essence of flower 'Star of Bethlehem' for healing the past trauma , shocks & 'Pine' for healing shame & guilt
I don't quite agree with snapping a rubber band on my wrist as a healthy copping skill. I've done it and it really gets to hurt more than cutting myself. So I really think it's a way of self-harm. It's like trying to quit smoking by using an electronic cigarette. It just doesn't work.
I wondered about that. I have never k*t, but thought the rubber band/pain thing may not be helpful in changing that coping strategy for those who used it. I like the distraction tho
I always felt it was a better alternative than cutting or burning cuz it doesnnt make you bleed or scar
My friend said it would snap him back. He used to cut
Sometimes I don't even know how to feel because when I do try to help someone in their time of need like Son of an Uncle I have that lost a friend that it was the only one they had for years and then I'm being punished for trying to help him.
Most of the time I've been too afraid to actually go completely of my way to help anyone since. Especially when a family member happens to be a celebrity in a matter of speaking that did it. Sometimes I even have something of a conversation as if I was releving the situation over and over again at random times.
Kati Morton I needed this. I can never understand this kind of stuff; especially since I'm still struggling with my PTSD. I asked my Psychiatrist; and she told me that you can't really prescribe Medication to someone struggling with PTSD.
Thank, Kati. Awesome video, totally agree with you.
Hi Kati, I just want to say thank you so much. Your channel has helped me and inspired me so much this year. So much so, that I’m currently seeing a therapist, whose name is also Katie, and I’m taking medication for my bipolar disorder. Your channel gave me the strength to get help. Thank you so much. ♥️🌹♥️
Thank you I thought I was born wrong . I have suffered various traumas alot work ahead of me I dont even have a therapist
I first want to thank you for sharing, this was really helpful. I know can look toward my healing after 58 years of suffering, I have finally found an answer.