After years I got him to go to a therapist with me. He did get me to go off in a rage at the session. The therapist said "I see. She's allergic to your lies." I wish there were more therapists like that.
@MedicineGodsWay so true, mine told me that the world is unfair and I am entitled to want a fair treatment. I should accept to be beaten and thrown out. But yep she just aggreed with the narcissist. Wtf.
Avoid them at all costs. When you have to deal with them, become a gray rock; boring, unbothered and non-reactive. It’s hard as hell, but the peace is worth it.
Grey rocking is a term they use when you have to distance yourself emotionally from the narcissist when you can't physically leave them. I also don't understand why you're laughing at her. This isn't really a funny topic...
My narcissist calls me boring all the time! Does that mean that I'm doing it right? I hope so. I try my hardest not to engage but it's extremely difficult at times.
That's true. But then, what happens to the target's brain, having to stuff all emotion and natural reaction? Doing this allows them to continue their abuse without even a mention of their bad behavior by their target. You can't win for losing..
@@cookiemama4not having to stuff all of that away, but realizing none of what they’re saying matters because it’s all part of their plan. They make things up intentionally to get a reaction out of you, that’s their whole goal. Once you realize that you realize none of what they say matters. I say this as someone who went through the same thing years ago. One day it all clicked for me and I thought exactly what he said in the video, there is no winning because it’s all rigged. None of it matters. It’s like a mean child calling you names for no reason. Do we let it get to us? No, because once we realize they’re a child simply trying to get a rise out of us and will say absolutely anything to see you worked up. Once we give them that power we’ve already lost. Doesn’t matter what you say to them or how you say it. Even if you have proof of what they’re saying to be wrong it does. Not. Matter. Even if you’re right, you’re actually wrong. In their eyes you will ALWAYS be wrong. What’s the point in wasting our energy in life away? That’s like trying to convince somebody the sky is blue but no matter what you say you’re wrong
Oh I understand, for examples; because he cares, or because he is trying to help you, (but you didn’t ask for suggestions or his input ) I can go on and on.
@@sunflower6434 exactly! He Acts like he cares but he doesn’t. It was just an act. And that was one of the most obnoxious thing he would do 🤢 He would repeat constantly how I should change this or that because it would be better for me, etc. He even told me one day (right after telling me something positive about my work): did you put a perfume today? I said no. Why? He said: you already have a body odor so it doesn’t smell good on you whatever you put. I told him I didn’t change anything… he said: hum, I smell something not great. I was uncomfortable. I was meeting one of my girlfriends afterwards and when I asked her to smell me she said you smell like sweetness as usual. What an a**hole for saying that to you. He doesn’t deserve you. When I told him few days later. He said: I told you that? Are you sure? I don’t remember. Wow I’m such a d-bag. Like he can do that: act like he knows that he is mean and he says it out loud (like he is self-deprecating) at the same time tries to create confusion as to wether he said that or not. 🥱 All this to say that the worst part is when the devaluation comes right after a compliment. It’s so contradictory and catches you off guard. I never know what to respond
That's the grandiosity. They need to believe they're superior so the constant criticism creates the illusion that they are superior. They're just duping themselves in the end.
Anything I bring up to have an "adult" conversation with my husband is automatically brought back to be my fault. Him being on fetish websites asking for nudes....my fault. Him lying ...my fault. Him having women's phone numbers saved in his phone....my fault. Counting down the days to divorce, freedom, and getting my sanity back.
Save the documents, the texts, if your in a one-party consent state then covert record conversations or even phone calls and have arguments on phone calls…many things to keep documents for the divorce to get everything and kids.
Yeah, they will even justify putting hands on you. They won’t stop until you’ve completely lost your mind so the best course of action is just to walk away with your dignity intact.
Do not share an attorney. Change your passwords, change your bank accounts. Inform credit card companies and close or separate them. lock your credit and inform the agencies, change the locks, lock your social media down, separate the phones, inform your loved ones. The narc will try to stir up drama with your family and friends. They will try to use your data to create debt. They will stop paying debts that they agreed to. Refinance your car into your name only. Contact all your insurance providers.
😮❤❤ Sending you my best. I ghosted my ex. I had planned to leave a year before I was actually able to. I didn't tell him anything. He was just that juvenile. He knew that something was up, and he never said anything. He told me that after I left and met up with him to get my mail one last time. So my relationship was a lie. I can't forgive that yet. I moved everything I had out of that apartment asap. I didn't have much. There was nothing to tie me to him. As of this month, he's dead to me. Happy birthday to him 😂😂
The problem is that the second you decide not to engage anymore and uphold your boundaries, because you deserve better than someone who refuses to take accountability and invalidates you, they'll suddenly validate everything you've ever said and take accountability for everything they've ever done and they'll tell you you're right, they've been taking advantage of your kindness and now they can see how much they've hurt you and they're committed to making it right. They're experts at contrition when it serves them, and because this is someone who means a lot to you, it's nearly impossible not to believe them because you WANT to believe them. So you agree to stay, and you give them stipulations to safeguard your well-being, and you set conditions they have to meet to prove they're committed to changing. Of course they promise to do everything you say and they're the perfect picture of remorse. You'll stay hypervigilant to any signs of their old behavior coming back for a long while, but that gets exhausting for anyone to keep up long term and they always make sure they don't falter so you start to feel safe again. They know you won't be able to maintain your carefully guarded boundaries forever, so they'll wait you out by consistently showing up like a normal person until you finally believe they really have changed... And that's when they know they've got you and it all starts to creep back in again. And round and round you go!
@@MiaK06 E X A C T L Y. So sooooooo spot on. God, I am so tired of reading all of our comments about dealing with such behaviors. Like I wish they could heal or that we never dealt with them in the first place!!! It’s heartbreaking really to see so many people falling for their painful games
@@ceciliamac4283 I know. But sadly they exist. Not sure what your story is - in my case it was a deeply narc mother which unfort left its marks As to my adult narc - truthfully, I kind of blame myself as I ignored the warning signs Live and learn…
My future EXhusband will never ever try to get me back. I treat him politely. A divorce mediation is in our future, I finally decided I don’t need the aggravation of being married to him anymore.
"The only way to win with a narcissist is not to engage." Words of infinite wisdom 💯 If you are forced to engage with a narcissist, please remember nothing they say really matters. Don't let them trigger or guild-trip you. If you expect anything human from them, you'll lose each time.
We get addicted to "hopium", thinking they will mature/change. But they do not change, thus we waste our lives, even decades. If you can, plan your escape and then do it. Do not waste your precious life. Even after you get out, it takes a very long time to heal. How much time do you have left? Do not waste it. You deserve better so start taking care of yourself better. I am 6 years out this week and still healing.....
I waited many years for my turn. I tried being assertive, communicative, silent, all the things. Only when I realized that I was being baited and I stopped taking the bait, that I took back control over myself. I detached and stayed aloof. I wondered how long I could play that game and stay sane and likely would have stayed in that inauthentic relationship. Luckily, he found a new supply and divorced me. It was the greatest gift.
Yep. My BF refuses to understand me. He says it’s all my fault and blames me for EVERYTHING, even his anger! Cor, I could be sitting and he’d talk to me like I’m shit
@@RippleDrop. he never takes responsibility for his actions ie he belittled me and called me horrible words. He told me to get over it. I sad no it’s not ok. He thinks I’m being dramatic. But it was like playground bullying.
@@RippleDrop. That is something that I’ve been trying to understand myself and so fur I have not found the answer One of the things that makes me worry even more is am I not understanding something vital just like “them” “him” or “her?” This is such a deep and important subject and I don’t know if it’s possible to relay one’s thoughts in such limited space for them to really make sense but I’ll give it a try. I think there are a lot of different factors as culture, life trauma and experience. Can’t go on into depth here but I think if one wants to understand then one has to learn, read, watch. Communication is so important but how can you communicate if anything you say gets distorted? Long ago that was my question and I prayed (I’m a Christian) to be able to understand. Hopefully this might help you a bit but my answer came in a form of looking into a distorted mirror. Imagine you are looking into a distorted mirror (as a child I saw one in a circus) although it reflects you but the image is so wrong that there is no way possible if one was only looking at the distorted image to tell of the real person. The same way with understanding. What distorts the truth? Pain, not trust, deception, betrayal, lying and so one and so forth. How do you find a way to be able to understand? So fur the only way is through love. But when we are hurt we can’t love. It’s a horrible cycle. We need help. We need God. Only Jesus Christ can help. One of the things that I do is wait for my hurt/emotions to settle down. Wait until the storm passes and then look at the other person through love. I found only through love are we able to understand but sometimes it’s not enough to help the other person and so it’s really up to them or up to each person to want to change, to want to become better. At this point in my life I’m coming to realisation that my only responsibility is to make my own changes. To do the best that I can to learn, to try and if I fail to not get discouraged but to keep on trying and to pray. And I’m having a very hard time praying, so I pray just a few words. “Lord please heal me.” “Lord please protect me” “Lord Jesus please help me to understand.” 🙏🤍
@@xoxo2072Im sorry you are going through this. I know I can not tell you what to do but I'll just strongly suggest: Please do not marry or have kids with this type of person. When you do, it makes it harder to leave them because now there are more things that have you connected. Narcissist want to win, they dont care who it hurts. Being that he is just a boyfriend will make it a little less complicated if you decide to leave. Bless you and I pray you live a happy and free of a narcissist life.
I left my husband of 25 years because he was a narcissist man. I learned this phrase in therapy: do not give a narcissist the power to hurt you. You give no information, no emotions, no interest. With 3 sons, it was difficult to avoid him, but keeping this sentence in mind all the time, it worked. He lost interest and took his narcissist ways somewhere else. A post-it by the phone at home, at work, really helped. Never answer the call. Wait for the voice mail and act accordingly or simply ignore. He could not control me anymore and went away. Good riddance. Life is sweet.
Well done you, I had married a Narc to and put up with his crap for 18.5 yrs , so glad I found the courage to. Also leave, he almost killed me once then pleaded he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again , it didn't physically but mentally he was killing with his coercive control. I've still not found the kind , honest, non narrasist, but hey I've become a strong independent women free from abuse.
Thanks for sharing, i'm going through the same here, two small kids and i can't block him everywhere. But this mindset has been working everyday a bit better. He's still going to lose interest, right now he's on desperation phase and doing every unimaginable thing to reach and hurt me.
A few days ago I fell for an argument again. The moment I realised, this is again leading nowhere but me raging in the end that he doesn't understand the obvious logic, I stopped with a smile on my face and an "aha.". The confusion on his face was so worth it! 🖤
same here.... two days ago I got caught off guard, sucked into an argument, reacted, tempers flared, then it hit me. I suddenly stopped and literally said "wait a minute, I see what's happening here" and I went completely silent. He continued fighting a bit more then went silent. The next day he continued with the fighting as he served himself dinner. I walked by smiling and saying enjoy your dinner. Not another word came out his mouth.
This man is so right on! A little happiness for all of you putting up with this. Left my bf after 7 years of other women and sailed down the Caribbean. Was set to leave it all behind. Until I found out he was hurting another girl. Very angry, I called the IRB/IRS and reported him for operating with no business license and paying no taxes for 10 years. He is now under full investigation. Don't lie down, ladies.
I didn’t know that other women was a sign. He kept saying that women he dates are insecure. I say that I don’t want to waste my time with someone who is not looking for long term love.
Thanks for the video. Describing my marriage. There’s only one thing you are wrong.: “ emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse”- As far as I am concerned, emotional abuse is worse. No one sees your bruises not even yourself no one believes you in the first it took me 10 weeks of hospitalisation because of severe depression and loss of identity after aging years with a narcissistic psychopath. Seven years later I am listening to this video and it still hurts, the wounds and scars will never disappear and up to today. I was never able to trust someone again.
I told a narcissist (a lawyer who was defending a cop pedo) that I thought he was "Sleazy". He said, "What did I say to make you think I'm sleazy?" I remember thinking, Oh! I know this game! This game is no matter what I say, I lose. Let's play a different game. My answer was, "It's not what you said, so much as your overall general demeanor." He couldn't pick apart the words, "overall" or "general" and he got upset that he "lost the game".
When you were reading the list, I literally ran out of fingers to count on! 44 years in. Grey rocking all I can, and enjoying the time he is not home while he is at work , doing everything I truly enjoy, including seeing videos like this one!
Co-parenting with a narc is an impossible situation. Keep a lawyer on retainer, stick to the facts, don’t be emotional, document everything, focus only on the kids, hold them accountable through lawyers. Keep a calendar and know when your kids turn 18 this prison sentence is OVER.
Don't rest too easy. Keep vigilant. Don't reveal too much, keep your cards close. My kids are in their 20's and my ex still has a way of trying to get to me.
When the children become adults it is a different kind of hell. Triangulation escalates to a devastating level. Keep your side of the street clean at all times. It never ends.
Its a different Thing when you are a man. I gave Up for now tbo. I went to Youth Welfare Office but they dont Care that she ignores or doesnt show Up or opens the door for my visitation of my kid. Went to the court and they told me to come back after 1 to 2 years with everything documented. But that stuff is exhausting in a way i cant sleep properly and am just miserabel. Maybe If my son is older and i can directly contact him to see each other it will work but by that time i havent seen him in so long that He wont recognice me anymore. I guess i Just pay and bend over to that rigged system.
@Joksa999 I feel you! I'm a grandmother of 2 and my heart bleeds for them. But do get a notebook and write things down. Not only is it good for court, but it's also proof for when the children get older. E.g.: Again, today I was robbed of seeing my kids. (Then write down what you planned to do that visitation with them) E.g.: I wanted to BBQ, go swimming, decorate for holiday, hiking, camping, etc. And as hard as it is, don't bash the mom! They get that from her about you or causes your children inner conflict. I'm going thru this with my grandkids. One day they will know how deeply you love them...regardless of what she says or does. Plus the courts will see not only the infractions, but that you are capable of being a wholesome devoted parent.
it's crazy that as i kid i developed a behavior of avoiding my narcissist father (playing in the living room when i heard his truck in the driveway i went to my room, i ate dinner in my room too, etc.) and then as an adult i tried to make a better relationship with him. turns out kid me figured it out pretty well actually, the best move is avoidance.
Recently I've returned to that same old youthful way of coping - and surviving; staying in my room to avoid my narc roommate. Though now I'm a 57 year old women being cowed by a difficult person...in my own home. I'm hiding in my room or the garage..like you said, when I hear the car or the front door. My parents were good people but there was mental illness and alcohol abuse in the mix during my childhood. I can see exactly right now how unsafe I felt as an Itty bitty one.
Ooh I still remember the sound of my stepfather’s Volvo car on the driveway and how everyone including the cats left the lounge. You have my sympathy there.
One to keep in mind is not all narcissists are that smart, the less smart ones just resort to rage if you outsmart them, but none the less no one deserves to be abused, after all this narc research has given me new social exercise: Calling out the narcs on the spot
100 %. Been married 35 yrs and thinking back, the love bombing stopped 3 weeks after the wedding. I remember looking into his eyes and thinking " he is not there anymote". I eas so broken, did hardly ever talk to even our friends. I would feel extremely lonely. I used to never call him names. No matter wgat. But i remember the day when I broke. Broke my spirit, broke the last bit of my soul. I cried like a scared little girls. I shut down for about 2.5hrs. I do not remember anything. When I "woke up" from that shutdown I did not have any feelings left. I was horribly sick for the first time in my life. Now I am indifferent. The most powerful i have ever been. I am biding my time. I am gathering myself and planning to leave soon as the rental contract ends and my grown up children can move on also. Thank you for your videos. It made me see things very clearly. I wish someone had shown me this 20 yrs ago. 😪
When I was a little girl my mother often yelled to me: “who do you think you are? You are nobody!”. I can’t remember what I did or said to trigger such anger towards me, but I grew up believing I am nobody.
You are somebody. ❤You matter and you are seen and heard in this world. I’m sorry you were told you were a nobody. It’s an absolute lie. You matter and you make a difference in this world you have a purpose never forget that.❤
I just broken free from an 18-year hellish torturous involvement with a narcissist. I have changed my phone number I've blocked him on every possible social media site and if he shows up at my door I will be getting a protection from abuse against him. I will not play with him anymore I will never let anyone treat me the way that he did
I have been working on boundaries and my self worth. My ex called while I was on my 6 mile walk yesterday. I didn't answer, I didn't call him back as soon as I saw he called. I finished my walk for me and then called back. My walks are for my mental health.
@ceciliamac4283 he surprisingly wasn't upset. He did want me to still parent from afar though. He'll never say no to the kids so he calls to have me do it. 🙄
I learned to disengage by putting my fingers in my ears (behind a locked door, of course) and hum. If I can hear what he’s saying, I’m not humming loud enough. This keeps me from engaging and not tempted to respond to his lies, gaslighting and BS. The problem with it has been that I haven’t heard what disrespectful things he was saying to me and ultimately ended up taking him back and being disrespected more and more every time because he was able to get away with saying so m disrespectful things to me and I didn’t react or create a boundary over it. It’s a double-edged sword.
My ex would just leave. If he didn't like how the conversation was going, he would leave. He asked me a question and I answered he would leave. He would just walk out and leave whenever. That was his way of controlling the conversation. It would frustrate me to no end, it was so disrespectful, that I would walk after him and ask him at least when we could talk again, no answer, he would just ignore. Then finally after a couple decades of this I decided to just not react when he would walk out. I just wouldn't care anymore. It took a lot of stress off of me. I had put up with a lot, so that was a load of stress off my back. The unfortunate part is that I pulled back on conversation altogether because he wasn't safe to talk to. There wasn't anyone fighting for closeness or communication anymore, so guess what happened? I decided I didn't want to put up with abusive relational behavior anymore. It's so destructive. So after years of this my heart closed down. And spouses wonder what happened...smh.
@RealMunk eyKung so true, they know how to wind people up to the point of us nearly behind bars. They're after our freedom and everything else that's important to us. I can't be around them, I'm off or They're removed if in my house.
No one can treat you like a doormat unless you let them wipe their shoes on you !!! The people who have hurt you are NOT spending time crying into their pillow worrying about you or your feelings !! They don't deserve even one minute of your time. The best revenge is your own happiness, move on and leave them behind.
Ohoho, _bet._ I can tell my mom 'I hate what she did to me' until I'm blue-in-the-face. And, I will. She lost her right to a relationship with me _years_ ago. And those bottled-up emotions she kept me from processing? Those get expressed, one way or another.
@@E4439Qv5 Divorcing myself from my parents was a phenomenally positive step for me. When I realized that I was trying to win the war of my childhood on a different battlefield, my marriage, I realized that although in many ways different my husband (now ex) had a host of similar traits to my parents. I chose to marry "my parents" because I had no good role models to discuss with me the red flag moments. I am happy for you that you chose to allow your mom to lose a relationship with you. Good on you!!
You can torture a narcissist. Just never aknowledge them and pretend like they don't even exist and just do everything opposite of what they want you to do. They hate it so much because they are not getting their supply or admiration when you completly ignore them and when you do the exact opposite of what they want from you it shows them that they have no power and control over you. 😁 I did it with my ex narc flatmate (flatenemy) and it worked. He got so frustrated that he ended up going to a clinic and moved out. The day he left I threw a massive house party🎉 These empty things are Demons in human form.
This is incredibly accurate. I've been falling for all the baits for years. When I figured out about cluster B personality disorders and covert narcissism I became a grey rock. And there I saw her mask falling down completely. She became even more deranged, cruel, toxic, abusive and erratic. Now I'm 8 months divorced and she is dragging the division of property forever, spreading hilarious lies around and manipulating her lawyer into believing fantasy-land, just not to lose the last bit of control over me. I cry of joy for not having any kid together.
I, too, had a ‘let’s move the goal post today’ mediation on division of assets over a whole year just to pretend he was in charge over me. Frustrating as heck when he would be expected to start the mediation but instead spent a hour during the time scheduled to discuss strategies with his own lawyer in private (twice!) while my lawyer, the mediator, and myself waited on him with the $ clock ticking. Then he had the audacity to complain mediation was a waste of money when he wasted our time by holding up mediation! My lawyer had never encountered such a flaming narcissist, he even did the body language steeple with his hands in front of him to show who was in charge. Best thing that ever happened, though. I had two new advocates after that as my lawyer and the mediator complained bitterly about what was happening. Boy, did she ever get an eye full!
Thank you. This is how I have lived for over 40 years-I take responsibility for staying-emotional abuse, no accountability, gaslighting, zero validation as an equal partner, eggshells. I do realize I am valuable and worthy. I have given up fighting-have stopped engaging. It is quite sad and lonely. I have good caring friends.
OMG - I literally said to myself on a regular basis “I’m not easy to live with. It’s not like he’s cheated or hit me”. I finally figured out that that is not even the bare minimum when it comes to marriage - and he had cheated multiple times. I finally left… and it still took me a year to admit my husband was emotionally abusive and that my marriage had always been a lie - I now say my marriage was based on uniformed non-consent. I agreed to marry the man he showed me and the marriage I thought we agreed on - unfortunately he didn’t tell me what he actually was going to give me. When I used to ask him what I did that was so bad that justified his behaviour and abuse, he told me I was too kind and too nice. Now that I am out, I realized that on a conscious and/or unconscious level my husband knew he didn’t deserve that kindness and that triggered his shame - which just made him more abusive toward me - because it had to be my fault for him to hide from that shame.
Wow. That list Jimmy read out - nailed the description of my wife perfectly! I've been working through the divorce legal process now since late 2022 with no end! 100% everything Jimmy said I've been through (yes, even when I disengaged I got the "you NEVER loved me!"). Even being silent caused issues. I am in therapy now for my Complex PTSD, and now that I'm out I never expected that depression that follows. All the trauma I had been through, and repressed during the time, has now surfaced for me to deal with. If anyone else is going through this, get help, get support. Make your healing journey about being a better you and do not make it about doing the opposite of the abuser or to 'show that person how strong you are' it is and never should be about them - it is only about being a better you for you
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's amazing how hard it can be to detach even when you've disengaged. He's still in my head every day, and we haven't spoke or seen each other in a year. I definitely still feel crazy.
I do too. I had disengaged from warring words and boom! He could not handle my peace. It has been 14 months and even though I think of him too often, Jimmy and communities like this remind me to "remember" clearly and not to put on those metaphorical rose colored glasses of nostalgia.
My friend never apologizes to her narcissistic nightmare. She's learning when the conflicts start it's the same old out of him. I gave you everything I help anyone who needs it. He has been a good provider she tells him this house can be made out of gold it won't change what you do to me. That comment makes him rage. 😤 what a vicious circle.
I'm going to have her follow this channel to help herself. Would a narcissist watch even two minutes of these type of videos? Oh forget this tidbit she's disengaged and he says I'm not going to put up with this.😬😬😐🤨
My in laws are the narcissists. My husband has all the trauma bonding signs of being a child of narcissist parents. Everyday I tell myself, "If I leave him to deal with his parents alone, he'll never know true unconditional love." So I stay and try and help him through the trauma. Even though sometimes he treats me like his parents treat him. Which I have to remind him when he does it. All the while trying to heal from my own childhood trauma. I'm trying to educate myself as much as possible about dealing with narcissist parents and helping heal the child of a narcissist. Some days it takes all the love I have for my husband not to leave. I pray a lot and read a lot for our marriage.
I’m right there with you. My MIL is clearly narcissistic. This past year, I finally realized why I had so much trauma from my experiences with her. My FIL is complicit as he goes along with her. They talk behind my back. Apparently, I haven’t been good enough for their son although they tell him I’m perfect for him. While my husband isn’t like his parents, he has some tendencies occasionally with his behavior and I have to remind him what he’s doing. It’s exhausting. It’s crazy how he doesn’t even realize the effect they’ve had on him even though I see it.
@@newfie_mom7300 exactly! Your story is exactly like mine. My MIL is the narcissist as well and her husband has narcissistic tendencies. They keep secrets, gossip, lie and manipulate all the time. It's exhausting. I will keep you in my prayers. We are not alone in this.
@@rebelliouscarpenter I will be praying for you too. And for our relationship with our spouses. I’ve invested in my husband so much. He is a good man. I have Lyme and am so sick yet he stays with me and does what he can to help me. He’s so much calmer and is himself when he doesn’t spend much time around his family. God will give us wisdom and help us through all this. Don’t give up.
Just described my wife and my situation to the T. Chasing my room to room trying to argue more, throwing shit and then telling me it’s ok cause they were upset when they did it so they’re allowed. 8 years together and the last 3 years in therapy because every convinced me I was the crazy one and my therapists convincing it’s really not me and I’m pretty normal. I now know I’m being abused emotionally and psychologically but just can’t leave still, I can’t bare the thought of breaking up our family and keep holding on to hope things will change. Lately I’ve just been telling myself it’ll either change or I’ll have to get sick of it at one point and leave because I just won’t be able to take the belittling and slandering and gaslighting anymore. I will be heavily mentally damaged by then but I’ll be able to say I tried to my kids….
Don’t stay. Your children will learn, that this a „normal relationship/ marriage“. You let your wife make new narcissists or victims. In the long run they will be the next victims for her tantrums. My guess is: they’re already are the victims. You aren’t always home. Do you think, she stops at the children? Get out, before she goes to your children.
I understand what you're saying about at least you'll be able to say you tried to your kids. That thinking could keep you in the situation for the rest of your life. How sadly we put up with shit just to try saving our reputation.
Oh wauw, that's my mom! 😪 I tried my whole life to get love from her while she does no effort at all and hurts me every time!!! She doesn't take any responsability, my emotions are not allowed to be there, she doesn't know what empathy is, she is always the victim (she was when she was a child), she shames and blames me, she uses me (lies) to get other people's sympathy, she constantly critizes me, ... I got the message (my whole life) that I'm worthless... did she ever want me??? She makes me so unhappy/sad, she even makes me ill (auto-immunedisease due to trauma). IT HURTS SO MUCH!!!! No mother should do this to her child! I am now healing my inner child and it gives me hope; the little me deserves love and respect. 🥰
Another point to that long list: they always choose the battlefield, and it is where they have the upper hand (face to face confrontation) - If you try any other channel (chat, phone, e-mail...) they will dismiss it as not being a "real" conversation, and force you into a face to face conversation. Even after you have repeatedly said how unsafe you feel, or how your nervous system keeps shutting down on a frontal argument with them. They do not care about how to "make it easier for you", they just care about winning. And hopefully, destroying you. Literal words
But be prepared. Because once you finally get the knowledge & the courage to set those healthy boundaries, they might get aggressive or violent. Because they are used to being in control. If theyve gotten away with this for years, they don't like to think of you as a person who has your own mind apart from them. But this video was an encouraging reminder for me of reality. It helps to hear someone who understands describe what you've experienced.
They always get worse once their usual control tactics don’t work. I’ve found this with all the cluster B types throughout my life. As I’ve been working on myself and looking back at family roles; my family members, my “romantic” relationships, my ex ex etc - they all have consistently increased abuse as I’ve set boundaries or spoken up. The consequence to boundaries is more abuse. For the last few years I’ve recorded every conversation with my family members - to maintain my sanity “I never said that”, yelling, swearing, name-calling, re-writing history, lying. Recording only goes so far, I had to go no contact because every contact was just abuse - pointless.
This is true, it’s crazy making and you’re the only one that loses. You win when you stop letting them have control over you, your thoughts and feelings. They are unsaveable, they are not like us. It’s not mean or inhumane to walk away, they are not your responsibility, you didn’t make them this way. They will not put any energy into helping or fixing themselves, so why should you?
Jim, this is so spot on. I lived with that for several years. I'm very glad that there are people who are exposing these narcissists. Thank you for what you do 😊.
This is so true to a T ! How I feel from my current relationship, he chooses people over me and says it's a problem with me. Tells he will do something then doesn't. He says I shouldn't be hurt or think a certain way. I found myself saying things back and yelling i literally told him last night i never have acted this way with anyone hes pushed me to a breaking point no matter what i say he invalidates me
@@Truckerbabe89 Please, leave. I know it’s hard but I did it and as much as I missed him at first, I feel SO SO SOOOO MUCH BETTER without that piece of puke that use to invalidate me and telling me: it’s your interpretation of things, can you just move on, bla-bla-bla. Oh how I don’t miss those toxic sentences. You got this!! Trust me. Angels are and will be with you every step of the way. And what helps is to do: somatic yoga (from trauma informed coaches in TH-cam). It helps a lot healing the heart and releasing trauma. Also, automatic writing 3 pages every morning and shredding and throwing them away. It doesn’t matter what you write as long as you don’t put the pen down. Even if it’s a grocery list followed by insulting that person who speaks garbage to you, put anything that passes by your mind. It’s very healing. And EFT (emotional freedom technique)
Oh and EFT tapping. There is this one video I loved about tapping after leaving a narcissistic relationship and she was tapping for the feeling of desolation they leave you in and with. It was powerful to say the words while tapping.
Same for me-37 years in December. He never does anything he promises, and when reminded out of literal necessity, the explosive rage and gaslighting begins. Neighbors and friends think he's awesome, because he would be there the very next hour or day to finish something they ask for, like grading their road, fixing some plumbing etc, while I have waited 20 years for a security light by the side door, or irrigation for some trees... Sabotages the rare outing, with road rage, and spiteful behavior. Rejects anything I suggest, but if I go do things alone, (things he has promised for years and years), he gets jealous and angry. I feel like I'm fighting with another woman sometimes...really creepy. I don't react to him anymore. I'm still here because I'm overwhelmed by the magnitude of what it will take to end this. I worked just as hard as him to accumulate what we have, but he tries to make it look like he did it alone... Begrudges having to divide our assets equally. He wants the marriage to remain intact, but would not go to counseling. Loves to volunteer, and sits on committees, but refused to sit down and talk about the broken marriage, because he feels that he has done nothing wrong and "wants things to go back how it was before... " Basically, have everything his way, without resistance.
@@todaysrules6730 I am so sorry to read this. Please, try to go to counseling alone. If you can find a therapist who knows about narcissism that would be even better. It will help you so much navigate your exit from this mariage. You can’t do it alone. Like you said it’s so overwhelming. But trust me it’s doable and totally possible. Write every morning when you wake up 3 pages of automatic writing (by Julia Cameron). It saved my life. But also do EFT (emotional freedom technique) it helped me and continues to help me so much. Record his rages with your phone if you can (just sound without filming him). Just record his gaslighting if you can. You can share that with you therapist and will also help you in several ways when you relisten to how he manipulates you. It helped me with exiting my relationship. You deserve peace of mind and the price to pay is to leave these people out of our life.
My partner likes to tell me how I’m always looking for a fight….. he cheats on me, lies to me and wants me to look the other way. When I try to get my point across he tells me im fighting for no reason and to sit down and “close my mouth”. Even when I’m not yelling, when I’m talking about what makes me upset he tells me I’m looking for a fight. Instead of admitting to cheating or apologizing he tells me it was my fault because I looked in his phone…. I was looking for problems
@@kelley4795 Stop talking to him, and focus on planning your escape. Focus your energy and effort on you, staying safe and getting out. I lived this nightmare for years until I finally caught him cheating and got him out of the house. See a lawyer as soon as you can and keep it a secret. Do not speak about your plans and get solid legal advice. I am praying for you.
After yet another altercation with my ex it’s as though this video was made for me. He doesn’t trigger me like he used to, I see him as who he is now, and I have better boundaries and have detached. When the conflicts happen, and they do, it’s nice to be reminded of all the things you just said.
Yes, exactly. It is exactly bringing out the worst in me. I've given up as of today trying to talk to him. He was a drunken beast all weekend than his Monday/sobrr self can't stop asking, "are you mad at me?" " you seem nad at me." I'm just being neutral and aloof. He's an addict as well and can't even look away from his screen (s) to make eye contact to even start a conversation- about anything. He's not my current partner, he's an ex boyfriend I live with. But yeah, no one else thinks there's no reason for me to be worried about the new kittens.....or the other legit responsibilities and my feelings- my stress level.
@@ElizabethDAntoniohope you can move out when possible. It will damage you and age you putting up with this. I have to deal with my ex as we are neighbours and I want to be there for the fabulous cat we share care of. Sounds bonkers I know but that cat saved my life when we were together.
You can "win" the argument by remaining in control and not letting yourself be taken for a loop by understanding what is going on and how the manipulation works. Doesn't mean there is any price to get out of it, you win but nothing will change. The only thing that will change is that they will push you further away because they don't like losing, more so than they don't like looking at or changing themself. It also never feels like a win because it's frustrating, tiring and depressing to deal with and it always ends with a cold shoulder. I'd still say it's better than getting taking for a loop or giving in to them. Especially since it means they'll end up ditching you if it continues on long enough :D (or short enough in a lot of cases as well, which is also somewhat of a bluff: they use leaving you as leverage because you don't want to lose someone you for some reason care about. Or they legit just switch supply because they had multiple hooks out anyway, either way good riddens...) Just that they'll want you back the moment you are happy again with someone else, but that's a different story... They don't like seeing you happy with others, or have someone else play with their toy... Either they play with their toy or no1 does, and some don't mind breaking their toy to ensure that... (stay away from malignants!)
You speak about the narcissist not respecting boundaries and following when you walk away to leave the abusive conversation. But after years and years of having a narcissist refuse to engage in any conversation where we needed to come to an agreement or solution by going silent and dismissively walk away, I’d follow them around to try to get ANY words out of them. The frustration would build until I was yelling at closed doors. Not speaking and usually exiting the room was how he knew he could get a reaction out of me until I figured out that was exactly what they wanted and stopped asking for anything from them at all. Even if I pleasantly asked if they knew where a misplaced household item was, they would just look at me and not respond. When I followed them out of a room, I wasn’t disrespecting their boundaries, it was a cry for engagement with my spouse. It was never about disrespecting their boundaries, it was about the desire to be worth speaking to, but they wouldn’t even give me that much. So yes, I was gaslighted into believing I was a narcissist, as he began calling me, but that was never true. Yet if they watched this video, they’d point at that ONE behavior as complete validation I was and disregard the rest.
I have been around narcissists and manipulators for YEARS! This cycle is also in my family. It is toxic no one in my family and even my exes in my past relationships are not capable of holding themselves accountable. I realized that the change starts inside. If i begin to hold myself accountable inside, i attract people who hold themselves accountable and they have a sense of integrity and i love being around people like that. This is an amazing video ❤❤❤
100% my mother with that list. She still holds things against me that I did as a toddler, like a normal toddler would do, and I'm now in my 40s. And worse, if for whatever reason I'm venting about another narcissist to her, she sides with them every time. And she always has this thing of making you "fix" the "mistake you created," and she just enjoys watching the misery in that. My earliest memories as a kid go back to having to do this.
I would keep a distance. Limit contact because she will just throw 💩 on you and will throw that on your kids too. My MIL tried to use manipulation and guilt on my kids when my spouse and I went on a trip out of the country. When we got back, she complained for an hour to my spouse. I don’t know why he even spends time listening to her complain. 🙈
after being belittled , gaslit, and told i was crazy and that i was the narc and had seizures from all the stress / abuse! I was always wrong! Then I tried to "teach him a lesson" by treating him the way he treated me but it only made him blame and shame me worse so i just shut down and dont talk anymore... i do the 5 blink method and just stare at him for 5 blinks...but of course I was supposed to know he loved me when he threatened me with abuse! oh but he'd never hurt me! he loves me too much to do that! All my friends left me and don't talk to me anymore... and im not allowed to talk to my family on facebook anymore because "your always talking shit about me to your family to make me look like the bad guy!" i tell them the truth... both our sides the fact that HE makes HIMSELF look bad is my fault... im a terrible mother and any fight he asks the kids who they want to live with! Belittling me for being too scared to be screamed at for cooking by his narc uncle...
I had a “relationship” with a guy, he was a stalker type. I was so glad that he doesn’t live in the same country. He came twice without preparing anything to me. I told him many times, I’m not into him, I have no feelings. He ignored it. He told me all the time what to do and what to believe. He was like my mother. All relationships I had were with narcissists, who always took advantage over my whole life. They ruined me, and I always moved on and had to start over. I’m not letting anyone into my life again I’m so broken. Like I really wish I could find someone who is actually not a creep. But I don’t know how.
I would think being given the silent treatment is a reward. I went no contact with my Mom. At first, the guilt was pretty heavy but I kept telling myself: "Given the choice between feeling guilty the rest of my life, or dealing with her, I'll gladly choose feeling guilty." In time, the guilty feeling went away.
Every time I won an argument with my narc father he always screamed “you are a SOB” and I replied “ha ha I won” and then leave. He really hated my guts.
You just described my life and absolutely confirmed for me what I’m dealing with. Thank you Jimmy. This makes my path a little clearer. I’m sending myself this video so I can remind myself each morning. Thanks again!
Thank you. I'm a year and a bit no-contact with my mother, and she's now started to try and creep back in - using my kids to send messages. I needed this as a reminder as to why I keep no-contact.
There is no such thing as in arguing with a narcissist and ‘winning’. You win by walking away and going no contact. And if you can’t because there is some tie to them as in kids or a professional link or whatever, then one needs to learn to create emotional distance. And that - when a trauma bond has been created - is one of the hardest things to do. I am going through it as we speak. Doesn’t matter what you do - you can be kind and silent, you can be more outspoken and try and create boundaries - rest assured, they will do whatever they can do get a reaction from you. But whatever you do - do not argue with them. It is an argument you will loose.
@@HaruKomorebi Yes, but when it's family then it becomes very difficult. Narcissistic family members are conflict seekers and when u don't react, they come at u with their rage.
I'm advocating for something like: "hey, I need a little space right now to consider this. Could I come back to you later?" when a conflict starts. Like keep it focused on what's best for both people.
Never wanted to win, or get back at them, there's no win, and couldn't be bothered I've already wasted too much time on nothing going nowhere, I just want to get on with my life .
Even when you “win,” you lose because the next time you fight they’ll remind you about how you bullied them into apologizing last time. It’s this extra layer of manipulation to make you question if you really ARE the problem. Once you see the patterns you can’t unsee it, and then you see that they’ll try harder and more blatantly to bait you.
After 17 yrs, I've finally thrown in the towel trying to have a relationship with my stepdaughter and her mom. It's crazy how their behaviors are the same. I know it's not genetic, but they're so enmeshed into each other's lives, it's like they're twins. The constant lying and manipulation was draining because of all the drama and gaslighting. I don't miss it, but it's too bad really. They will never ever change and it's actually a relief to be away from them.
I love Jimmy's work, and before I watch this one, I have to tell you my sure fire method for arguing and winning with a Narcissist. it is actually EASY! You only have to be SLEEPING because in my case it would ONLY be in my DREAMS! OK, now I am ready to watch another great video from Jimmy!
the hardest truth i had to learn about my ex wife is that i never would find closure and staying silent is the best way. when i am a person who can talk for houres to resolve a conflict.
My favorite answer to trying to argue with my ex (undiagnosed narcissist) was trying to have a debate with a drunk. You can't ever get to a common ground, or even any conception of basic equality. It's a moot point.
Yes, right. In my case that's exactly what's about to happen - I'm being forced into a confrontation. I'm sitting/hiding in the garage trying to work out what I need and how to say it. I'll probably cry and as I'm a woman I may be accused of being upset over nothing. Usually I stay quiet and leave, but I'm holding in too much. I know because it's making me sick, physically and mentally. I'm crying all the time , and no, I don't need to call my shrink for more pills. That's his recent song.
Jimmy, I've had to learn this the hard way with my ex-husband who is a covert narcissist. We share a teenage son so unfortunately he is still in my life a while longer. Thank you for sharing this video as it validates the experience some of us have had. As you say in the video, this is difficult and it is. No one understands until they are in a relationship with a narcissist. Setting boundaries and standing your ground is the only way to have sanity and "win".
OMG, Jimmy. Having been surrounded with several narcs, I couldn't decipher one of them...This is the video which gave me so many of my answers. Now I know what I don't need to do anymore to try and make it all work. God bless you!
Last winter, I got into a huge fight with my younger sibling after years of me feeling fearful of them rejecting me if I spoke up about their criticism of me and others. Frankly, I got fed up being gaslit and blamed. I was told that I was vindictive, arrogant, etc. etc. At the same time, I took full responsibility for how I didn't handle the fight as well as I could have. I was asked to leave their home by the next day. Before leaving, I left an apology letter (which, to be honest, what I do) then a month later I sent another letter. My sibling blocked me on everything the day after the fight. Then I found out that the sibling refused to read my letters (and even asked one of their young adult children to read it who told my sibling that it was a letter of apology; it didn't matter, they refused to read it). Essentially, my sibling did everything they could to have it be no-contact with me. After all these months, I've come to accept this reality. BTW, I continue to have good relationships with their grown children and with their partner.
My ex nar blamed me for anything that goes wrong, his mother blamed me for all the issues she has, one day I’m done. I couldn’t even point out anything that he did wrong such as forgetting to lock the door before we went on a long trip. This video described my ex to the T. I’m sure he will change for the new gf 🎉🎉🎉
Wow. Exactly how I feel. I’m going down two fast. After seven years. I feel my life crumbling but after hearing this. I’m not the only one that has felt this way. Thank you . For this video .
Thank you Jimmy! You are so right on about everything. Ladies, muster up all your strength (and in my case stubbornness) and do not let them get to you anymore. Disengage. Go rogue. It will be the best thing you ever did. They will show you their true colors if you couldn’t already see them. It will be a gift.
Even writing down any rules for conversation does not work with them. They never admit they are breaking the rules. If you remind them, as usual - they only tell you that you attack them, you are negative, you like to fight - but never are able to stick to the rules they agreed on the other day, even if you have written them together on a paper 🤷♀️
This video was spot on. I tried very hard and she used it all against me. I tried to understand her, i opened up to her, i was vulnerable, i expressed my emotions, i gave her room to express hers, i tried to help her understand herself. I did everything earthly possible. I tried loving her harder. She used everything against me. She was a victim. She used all my triggers and emotions. I tried every approach possible. I can go on and on. She discarded me and just moved on.
"Maybe if I yelled loud enough they'd hear me" -so true. I've literally had to be screaming in order to get my point across and feel like I'm actually heard.
I’m listening and crying. This is how I am treated at work and I’m learning how to just shut down which isn’t healthy but I’m literally shutting down to the point. I am annoying the narcissistic sabotaging coworkers. They’re getting angrier and angrier and they’re yelling. Do you hear me? Do you hear me answer me but they won’t answer me. They won’t ever answer me when I inform them of something that’s pertaining to their job I’m not going to participate when they are unprofessional and sabotaging and harassing me Also, I’m trying to support a friend who isn’t a beyond toxic relationship he doesn’t put his hands on her, but he abuses her every other way, and he thinks his whole world about himself and they just had a baby together who is a preemie and he still doesn’t take care of the baby and they live together and it’s breaking my heart to the point I can’t listen anymore to the complaining because she doesn’t know her worth no matter how much I encourage her
That's my mom. I've heard that narcissists can be created by other narcissists. I'm scared she's making me a narcissist because in order to respect the facts and evidence and not let her gaslight me, I have to be immovable, which goes against my nature, but it's less and less my nature. It really does make me feel insane.
This was very healing to hear. Exactly my life and I did get sick. I lived in this for 12 years. Already my health is improving and I can remember myself and what is good about me. Now I can give more of me to my 5 children.
After years I got him to go to a therapist with me. He did get me to go off in a rage at the session. The therapist said "I see. She's allergic to your lies." I wish there were more therapists like that.
The therapist we had took his side one day! I gave HER a piece of my mind! She apologized! The wrong therapist can be more harmful than good!
@@MedicineGodsWay Oh. 🤢 That’s just sickening
I’m sorry you had to go through that
Some therapists clearly understand their mission is to tell one partner they are indeed the asshole in the relationship.
@MedicineGodsWay so true, mine told me that the world is unfair and I am entitled to want a fair treatment. I should accept to be beaten and thrown out. But yep she just aggreed with the narcissist. Wtf.
@@anonymesuppe3950 Sickening. Sounds like she had a little "thing" for the narc.
Avoid them at all costs. When you have to deal with them, become a gray rock; boring, unbothered and non-reactive. It’s hard as hell, but the peace is worth it.
😂😂
What are you laughing about?
@@Mplsgurl "become a gray rock" 😂🫶
Grey rocking is a term they use when you have to distance yourself emotionally from the narcissist when you can't physically leave them. I also don't understand why you're laughing at her. This isn't really a funny topic...
My narcissist calls me boring all the time! Does that mean that I'm doing it right? I hope so. I try my hardest not to engage but it's extremely difficult at times.
The only winning move against a narcissist is to not play.
Bingo 🎯
@@LeahIsHereNow yep, without drama they die.
That's true. But then, what happens to the target's brain, having to stuff all emotion and natural reaction? Doing this allows them to continue their abuse without even a mention of their bad behavior by their target. You can't win for losing..
@@cookiemama4 The bigger problem is living life with different personalities, one with the narcissist and other with everyone else.
@@cookiemama4not having to stuff all of that away, but realizing none of what they’re saying matters because it’s all part of their plan. They make things up intentionally to get a reaction out of you, that’s their whole goal. Once you realize that you realize none of what they say matters. I say this as someone who went through the same thing years ago. One day it all clicked for me and I thought exactly what he said in the video, there is no winning because it’s all rigged. None of it matters. It’s like a mean child calling you names for no reason. Do we let it get to us? No, because once we realize they’re a child simply trying to get a rise out of us and will say absolutely anything to see you worked up. Once we give them that power we’ve already lost. Doesn’t matter what you say to them or how you say it. Even if you have proof of what they’re saying to be wrong it does. Not. Matter. Even if you’re right, you’re actually wrong. In their eyes you will ALWAYS be wrong. What’s the point in wasting our energy in life away? That’s like trying to convince somebody the sky is blue but no matter what you say you’re wrong
“They act like they are trying to make you better by constantly criticizing you”
Yup. 😑
Oh I understand, for examples; because he cares, or because he is trying to help you, (but you didn’t ask for suggestions or his input )
I can go on and on.
@@sunflower6434 exactly! He Acts like he cares but he doesn’t. It was just an act. And that was one of the most obnoxious thing he would do 🤢
He would repeat constantly how I should change this or that because it would be better for me, etc. He even told me one day (right after telling me something positive about my work): did you put a perfume today? I said no. Why? He said: you already have a body odor so it doesn’t smell good on you whatever you put. I told him I didn’t change anything… he said: hum, I smell something not great. I was uncomfortable. I was meeting one of my girlfriends afterwards and when I asked her to smell me she said you smell like sweetness as usual. What an a**hole for saying that to you. He doesn’t deserve you.
When I told him few days later. He said: I told you that? Are you sure? I don’t remember. Wow I’m such a d-bag. Like he can do that: act like he knows that he is mean and he says it out loud (like he is self-deprecating) at the same time tries to create confusion as to wether he said that or not. 🥱
All this to say that the worst part is when the devaluation comes right after a compliment. It’s so contradictory and catches you off guard. I never know what to respond
This, this is it, 😢 🤦🏼♀️
That's the grandiosity. They need to believe they're superior so the constant criticism creates the illusion that they are superior. They're just duping themselves in the end.
That's soooo true
Anything I bring up to have an "adult" conversation with my husband is automatically brought back to be my fault. Him being on fetish websites asking for nudes....my fault. Him lying ...my fault. Him having women's phone numbers saved in his phone....my fault. Counting down the days to divorce, freedom, and getting my sanity back.
Save the documents, the texts, if your in a one-party consent state then covert record conversations or even phone calls and have arguments on phone calls…many things to keep documents for the divorce to get everything and kids.
This is my life. 😢
Yeah, they will even justify putting hands on you. They won’t stop until you’ve completely lost your mind so the best course of action is just to walk away with your dignity intact.
Do not share an attorney. Change your passwords, change your bank accounts. Inform credit card companies and close or separate them. lock your credit and inform the agencies, change the locks, lock your social media down, separate the phones, inform your loved ones. The narc will try to stir up drama with your family and friends. They will try to use your data to create debt. They will stop paying debts that they agreed to. Refinance your car into your name only. Contact all your insurance providers.
😮❤❤ Sending you my best. I ghosted my ex. I had planned to leave a year before I was actually able to. I didn't tell him anything. He was just that juvenile. He knew that something was up, and he never said anything. He told me that after I left and met up with him to get my mail one last time. So my relationship was a lie. I can't forgive that yet. I moved everything I had out of that apartment asap. I didn't have much. There was nothing to tie me to him. As of this month, he's dead to me. Happy birthday to him 😂😂
The problem is that the second you decide not to engage anymore and uphold your boundaries, because you deserve better than someone who refuses to take accountability and invalidates you, they'll suddenly validate everything you've ever said and take accountability for everything they've ever done and they'll tell you you're right, they've been taking advantage of your kindness and now they can see how much they've hurt you and they're committed to making it right.
They're experts at contrition when it serves them, and because this is someone who means a lot to you, it's nearly impossible not to believe them because you WANT to believe them. So you agree to stay, and you give them stipulations to safeguard your well-being, and you set conditions they have to meet to prove they're committed to changing. Of course they promise to do everything you say and they're the perfect picture of remorse.
You'll stay hypervigilant to any signs of their old behavior coming back for a long while, but that gets exhausting for anyone to keep up long term and they always make sure they don't falter so you start to feel safe again. They know you won't be able to maintain your carefully guarded boundaries forever, so they'll wait you out by consistently showing up like a normal person until you finally believe they really have changed... And that's when they know they've got you and it all starts to creep back in again. And round and round you go!
Absolutely spot on and so so so so so so true. Could not have said this any better.
@@MiaK06 E X A C T L Y.
So sooooooo spot on.
God, I am so tired of reading all of our comments about dealing with such behaviors. Like I wish they could heal or that we never dealt with them in the first place!!!
It’s heartbreaking really to see so many people falling for their painful games
@@ceciliamac4283 I know. But sadly they exist. Not sure what your story is - in my case it was a deeply narc mother which unfort left its marks
As to my adult narc - truthfully, I kind of blame myself as I ignored the warning signs
Live and learn…
I'm screenshoting this for future "hoovers" this is EXACTLY my narc!!! Crazy making!! I filed for divorce 2 weeks ago I just cannot continue on
My future EXhusband will never ever try to get me back. I treat him politely. A divorce mediation is in our future, I finally decided I don’t need the aggravation of being married to him anymore.
"The only way to win with a narcissist is not to engage." Words of infinite wisdom 💯 If you are forced to engage with a narcissist, please remember nothing they say really matters. Don't let them trigger or guild-trip you. If you expect anything human from them, you'll lose each time.
We get addicted to "hopium", thinking they will mature/change. But they do not change, thus we waste our lives, even decades. If you can, plan your escape and then do it. Do not waste your precious life. Even after you get out, it takes a very long time to heal. How much time do you have left? Do not waste it. You deserve better so start taking care of yourself better. I am 6 years out this week and still healing.....
Almost 3 months for me. I feel alive again!!!!
Wow....got to make moves too.
They are a walking double standard
I waited many years for my turn. I tried being assertive, communicative, silent, all the things. Only when I realized that I was being baited and I stopped taking the bait, that I took back control over myself. I detached and stayed aloof. I wondered how long I could play that game and stay sane and likely would have stayed in that inauthentic relationship. Luckily, he found a new supply and divorced me. It was the greatest gift.
damn lucky girl
Wow
Me too! 🙌🏼
Good for you Wendy! Live a successful life. ❤
Right?! I've been baited for years and now I've been stepping back to change that and growing better as a person
Good job girl, happy for 👏 you.
“A boundary is for us … it requires nothing from the other person.” 🤯🙇🏽♀️🙏🏽
❤🎉❤🎉 💯 🎉❤🎉❤🎉
It’s not about winning, it’s about being understood which I’m learning (finally) is impossible with anyone who shows narcissistic traits
Yep. My BF refuses to understand me. He says it’s all my fault and blames me for EVERYTHING, even his anger! Cor, I could be sitting and he’d talk to me like I’m shit
Why do you think they don't understand you? Asking because I read truth but don't know why.
@@RippleDrop. he never takes responsibility for his actions ie he belittled me and called me horrible words. He told me to get over it. I sad no it’s not ok. He thinks I’m being dramatic. But it was like playground bullying.
@@RippleDrop. That is something that I’ve been trying to understand myself and so fur I have not found the answer
One of the things that makes me worry even more is am I not understanding something vital just like “them” “him” or “her?”
This is such a deep and important subject and I don’t know if it’s possible to relay one’s thoughts in such limited space for them to really make sense but I’ll give it a try.
I think there are a lot of different factors as culture, life trauma and experience.
Can’t go on into depth here but I think if one wants to understand then one has to learn, read, watch.
Communication is so important but how can you communicate if anything you say gets distorted?
Long ago that was my question and I prayed (I’m a Christian) to be able to understand.
Hopefully this might help you a bit but my answer came in a form of looking into a distorted mirror.
Imagine you are looking into a distorted mirror (as a child I saw one in a circus) although it reflects you but the image is so wrong that there is no way possible if one was only looking at the distorted image to tell of the real person.
The same way with understanding. What distorts the truth? Pain, not trust, deception, betrayal, lying and so one and so forth.
How do you find a way to be able to understand?
So fur the only way is through love. But when we are hurt we can’t love. It’s a horrible cycle.
We need help.
We need God.
Only Jesus Christ can help.
One of the things that I do is wait for my hurt/emotions to settle down. Wait until the storm passes and then look at the other person through love.
I found only through love are we able to understand but sometimes it’s not enough to help the other person and so it’s really up to them or up to each person to want to change, to want to become better.
At this point in my life I’m coming to realisation that my only responsibility is to make my own changes. To do the best that I can to learn, to try and if I fail to not get discouraged but to keep on trying and to pray. And I’m having a very hard time praying, so I pray just a few words. “Lord please heal me.” “Lord please protect me” “Lord Jesus please help me to understand.”
🙏🤍
@@xoxo2072Im sorry you are going through this. I know I can not tell you what to do but I'll just strongly suggest: Please do not marry or have kids with this type of person. When you do, it makes it harder to leave them because now there are more things that have you connected. Narcissist want to win, they dont care who it hurts. Being that he is just a boyfriend will make it a little less complicated if you decide to leave. Bless you and I pray you live a happy and free of a narcissist life.
I left my husband of 25 years because he was a narcissist man. I learned this phrase in therapy: do not give a narcissist the power to hurt you. You give no information, no emotions, no interest. With 3 sons, it was difficult to avoid him, but keeping this sentence in mind all the time, it worked. He lost interest and took his narcissist ways somewhere else. A post-it by the phone at home, at work, really helped. Never answer the call. Wait for the voice mail and act accordingly or simply ignore. He could not control me anymore and went away. Good riddance. Life is sweet.
Well done you, I had married a Narc to and put up with his crap for 18.5 yrs , so glad I found the courage to. Also leave, he almost killed me once then pleaded he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again , it didn't physically but mentally he was killing with his coercive control. I've still not found the kind , honest, non narrasist, but hey I've become a strong independent women free from abuse.
Thanks for sharing, i'm going through the same here, two small kids and i can't block him everywhere. But this mindset has been working everyday a bit better. He's still going to lose interest, right now he's on desperation phase and doing every unimaginable thing to reach and hurt me.
Thank you for sharing
I like the reminder idea. I put my reminder at the beginning of her contact name so I see it with every necessary (kids) contact.
Im so proud of you ❤
A few days ago I fell for an argument again. The moment I realised, this is again leading nowhere but me raging in the end that he doesn't understand the obvious logic, I stopped with a smile on my face and an "aha.". The confusion on his face was so worth it! 🖤
same here.... two days ago I got caught off guard, sucked into an argument, reacted, tempers flared, then it hit me. I suddenly stopped and literally said "wait a minute, I see what's happening here" and I went completely silent. He continued fighting a bit more then went silent. The next day he continued with the fighting as he served himself dinner. I walked by smiling and saying enjoy your dinner. Not another word came out his mouth.
If I could only have one video on dealing with a Narcissist, THIS IS IT. Wow. Powerful .
yes
#Word
This man is so right on! A little happiness for all of you putting up with this. Left my bf after 7 years of other women and sailed down the Caribbean. Was set to leave it all behind. Until I found out he was hurting another girl. Very angry, I called the IRB/IRS and reported him for operating with no business license and paying no taxes for 10 years. He is now under full investigation. Don't lie down, ladies.
You rock😂🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
Very revengeful to call the tax authorities.
Strong 🎉- making up for putting up with silence.
@@orianam9835
... She said he was Hurting another girl !
I didn’t know that other women was a sign. He kept saying that women he dates are insecure.
I say that I don’t want to waste my time with someone who is not looking for long term love.
So right! It twists your mind and makes you question reality and your own thoughts. Detachment feels so good!
Thanks for the video. Describing my marriage. There’s only one thing you are wrong.: “ emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse”- As far as I am concerned, emotional abuse is worse. No one sees your bruises not even yourself no one believes you in the first it took me 10 weeks of hospitalisation because of severe depression and loss of identity after aging years with a narcissistic psychopath. Seven years later I am listening to this video and it still hurts, the wounds and scars will never disappear and up to today. I was never able to trust someone again.
So sorry for your suffering.
Same. *hug*
@@real_hello_kitty Thank you very much
@@Yaivenov Thank you very much, It’s good to know there are nice people out there
@@annettekohler1491
Same. I used to have so much love to give to a partner but won’t risk it again. Take care of yourself.
I told a narcissist (a lawyer who was defending a cop pedo) that I thought he was "Sleazy". He said, "What did I say to make you think I'm sleazy?" I remember thinking, Oh! I know this game! This game is no matter what I say, I lose. Let's play a different game. My answer was, "It's not what you said, so much as your overall general demeanor." He couldn't pick apart the words, "overall" or "general" and he got upset that he "lost the game".
When you were reading the list, I literally ran out of fingers to count on! 44 years in. Grey rocking all I can, and enjoying the time he is not home while he is at work , doing everything I truly enjoy, including seeing videos like this one!
Co-parenting with a narc is an impossible situation. Keep a lawyer on retainer, stick to the facts, don’t be emotional, document everything, focus only on the kids, hold them accountable through lawyers. Keep a calendar and know when your kids turn 18 this prison sentence is OVER.
Don't rest too easy. Keep vigilant. Don't reveal too much, keep your cards close. My kids are in their 20's and my ex still has a way of trying to get to me.
When the children become adults it is a different kind of hell. Triangulation escalates to a devastating level. Keep your side of the street clean at all times. It never ends.
Its a different Thing when you are a man. I gave Up for now tbo. I went to Youth Welfare Office but they dont Care that she ignores or doesnt show Up or opens the door for my visitation of my kid. Went to the court and they told me to come back after 1 to 2 years with everything documented. But that stuff is exhausting in a way i cant sleep properly and am just miserabel.
Maybe If my son is older and i can directly contact him to see each other it will work but by that time i havent seen him in so long that He wont recognice me anymore.
I guess i Just pay and bend over to that rigged system.
@Joksa999 I feel you! I'm a grandmother of 2 and my heart bleeds for them. But do get a notebook and write things down. Not only is it good for court, but it's also proof for when the children get older. E.g.: Again, today I was robbed of seeing my kids. (Then write down what you planned to do that visitation with them) E.g.: I wanted to BBQ, go swimming, decorate for holiday, hiking, camping, etc. And as hard as it is, don't bash the mom! They get that from her about you or causes your children inner conflict. I'm going thru this with my grandkids. One day they will know how deeply you love them...regardless of what she says or does. Plus the courts will see not only the infractions, but that you are capable of being a wholesome devoted parent.
I learned this the hard way and I’m broke! My youngest is 16 and the countdown to 18 is on lol
it's crazy that as i kid i developed a behavior of avoiding my narcissist father (playing in the living room when i heard his truck in the driveway i went to my room, i ate dinner in my room too, etc.) and then as an adult i tried to make a better relationship with him. turns out kid me figured it out pretty well actually, the best move is avoidance.
Recently I've returned to that same old youthful way of coping - and surviving; staying in my room to avoid my narc roommate. Though now I'm a 57 year old women being cowed by a difficult person...in my own home. I'm hiding in my room or the garage..like you said, when I hear the car or the front door. My parents were good people but there was mental illness and alcohol abuse in the mix during my childhood. I can see exactly right now how unsafe I felt as an Itty bitty one.
Ooh I still remember the sound of my stepfather’s Volvo car on the driveway and how everyone including the cats left the lounge. You have my sympathy there.
So true! The only way to win is to walk away.
One to keep in mind is not all narcissists are that smart, the less smart ones just resort to rage if you outsmart them, but none the less no one deserves to be abused, after all this narc research has given me new social exercise: Calling out the narcs on the spot
100 %.
Been married 35 yrs and thinking back, the love bombing stopped 3 weeks after the wedding.
I remember looking into his eyes and thinking " he is not there anymote".
I eas so broken, did hardly ever talk to even our friends. I would feel extremely lonely.
I used to never call him names. No matter wgat. But i remember the day when I broke. Broke my spirit, broke the last bit of my soul. I cried like a scared little girls. I shut down for about 2.5hrs. I do not remember anything.
When I "woke up" from that shutdown I did not have any feelings left. I was horribly sick for the first time in my life.
Now I am indifferent. The most powerful i have ever been. I am biding my time.
I am gathering myself and planning to leave soon as the rental contract ends and my grown up children can move on also.
Thank you for your videos. It made me see things very clearly. I wish someone had shown me this 20 yrs ago. 😪
When I was a little girl my mother often yelled to me: “who do you think you are? You are nobody!”. I can’t remember what I did or said to trigger such anger towards me, but I grew up believing I am nobody.
You are somebody. ❤You matter and you are seen and heard in this world. I’m sorry you were told you were a nobody. It’s an absolute lie.
You matter and you make a difference in this world you have a purpose never forget that.❤
I chose divorce and I am so grateful for that one choice. Thank you Jimmy for all you do
I just broken free from an 18-year hellish torturous involvement with a narcissist. I have changed my phone number I've blocked him on every possible social media site and if he shows up at my door I will be getting a protection from abuse against him. I will not play with him anymore I will never let anyone treat me the way that he did
I have been working on boundaries and my self worth. My ex called while I was on my 6 mile walk yesterday. I didn't answer, I didn't call him back as soon as I saw he called. I finished my walk for me and then called back. My walks are for my mental health.
@@ShannonP216 How did it go on the phone? 💪🏼💪🏼
@ceciliamac4283 he surprisingly wasn't upset. He did want me to still parent from afar though. He'll never say no to the kids so he calls to have me do it. 🙄
My walking is key to my recovery, I have a great time with the crows, peanut deplomacy,
@@ShannonP216 They lack so much courage 😒
Glad it went well anyway!! Sending warm cheers from here 💜
@@MarkS-y6k Absolutely! My walking has been a game changer in my life.
I learned to disengage by putting my fingers in my ears (behind a locked door, of course) and hum. If I can hear what he’s saying, I’m not humming loud enough. This keeps me from engaging and not tempted to respond to his lies, gaslighting and BS. The problem with it has been that I haven’t heard what disrespectful things he was saying to me and ultimately ended up taking him back and being disrespected more and more every time because he was able to get away with saying so m disrespectful things to me and I didn’t react or create a boundary over it. It’s a double-edged sword.
My ex would just leave. If he didn't like how the conversation was going, he would leave. He asked me a question and I answered he would leave. He would just walk out and leave whenever. That was his way of controlling the conversation. It would frustrate me to no end, it was so disrespectful, that I would walk after him and ask him at least when we could talk again, no answer, he would just ignore. Then finally after a couple decades of this I decided to just not react when he would walk out. I just wouldn't care anymore. It took a lot of stress off of me. I had put up with a lot, so that was a load of stress off my back. The unfortunate part is that I pulled back on conversation altogether because he wasn't safe to talk to. There wasn't anyone fighting for closeness or communication anymore, so guess what happened? I decided I didn't want to put up with abusive relational behavior anymore. It's so destructive. So after years of this my heart closed down. And spouses wonder what happened...smh.
A proverb in my country says: Never argue with a fool, he with his experience will be winning you over.
We have a similar proverb:
Winning an argument with a smart person is hard.
Winning an argument with a fool is impossible.
So true.
@RealMunk eyKung so true, they know how to wind people up to the point of us nearly behind bars. They're after our freedom and everything else that's important to us. I can't be around them, I'm off or They're removed if in my house.
No one can treat you like a doormat unless you let them wipe their shoes on you !!! The people who have hurt you are NOT spending time crying into their pillow worrying about you or your feelings !! They don't deserve even one minute of your time. The best revenge is your own happiness, move on and leave them behind.
You can't torture a narcissist. They live in their own torture.
Ohoho, _bet._
I can tell my mom 'I hate what she did to me' until I'm blue-in-the-face.
And, I will.
She lost her right to a relationship with me _years_ ago.
And those bottled-up emotions she kept me from processing? Those get expressed, one way or another.
@@E4439Qv5 Divorcing myself from my parents was a phenomenally positive step for me. When I realized that I was trying to win the war of my childhood on a different battlefield, my marriage, I realized that although in many ways different my husband (now ex) had a host of similar traits to my parents. I chose to marry "my parents" because I had no good role models to discuss with me the red flag moments. I am happy for you that you chose to allow your mom to lose a relationship with you. Good on you!!
@@richardbensinger6922 ouhhh LOVE THIS SO VERY MUCH. I’ll keep that close to my mind 🤍
You can torture a narcissist. Just never aknowledge them and pretend like they don't even exist and just do everything opposite of what they want you to do. They hate it so much because they are not getting their supply or admiration when you completly ignore them and when you do the exact opposite of what they want from you it shows them that they have no power and control over you. 😁 I did it with my ex narc flatmate (flatenemy) and it worked. He got so frustrated that he ended up going to a clinic and moved out. The day he left I threw a massive house party🎉 These empty things are Demons in human form.
@@trentbacker9562 Bravo !! 👌🏼
This is incredibly accurate. I've been falling for all the baits for years. When I figured out about cluster B personality disorders and covert narcissism I became a grey rock. And there I saw her mask falling down completely. She became even more deranged, cruel, toxic, abusive and erratic.
Now I'm 8 months divorced and she is dragging the division of property forever, spreading hilarious lies around and manipulating her lawyer into believing fantasy-land, just not to lose the last bit of control over me.
I cry of joy for not having any kid together.
I'm happy for you 😅 bloody relentless miserable creatures. You have spared yourself real hell on earth by having no child to IT.
I, too, had a ‘let’s move the goal post today’ mediation on division of assets over a whole year just to pretend he was in charge over me. Frustrating as heck when he would be expected to start the mediation but instead spent a hour during the time scheduled to discuss strategies with his own lawyer in private (twice!) while my lawyer, the mediator, and myself waited on him with the $ clock ticking. Then he had the audacity to complain mediation was a waste of money when he wasted our time by holding up mediation! My lawyer had never encountered such a flaming narcissist, he even did the body language steeple with his hands in front of him to show who was in charge. Best thing that ever happened, though. I had two new advocates after that as my lawyer and the mediator complained bitterly about what was happening. Boy, did she ever get an eye full!
@@drldexter2574 wow, I know that joy for not having a kid with someone 👏
Thank you. This is how I have lived for over 40 years-I take responsibility for staying-emotional abuse, no accountability, gaslighting, zero validation as an equal partner, eggshells. I do realize I am valuable and worthy. I have given up fighting-have stopped engaging. It is quite sad and lonely. I have good caring friends.
OMG - I literally said to myself on a regular basis “I’m not easy to live with. It’s not like he’s cheated or hit me”. I finally figured out that that is not even the bare minimum when it comes to marriage - and he had cheated multiple times. I finally left… and it still took me a year to admit my husband was emotionally abusive and that my marriage had always been a lie - I now say my marriage was based on uniformed non-consent. I agreed to marry the man he showed me and the marriage I thought we agreed on - unfortunately he didn’t tell me what he actually was going to give me. When I used to ask him what I did that was so bad that justified his behaviour and abuse, he told me I was too kind and too nice. Now that I am out, I realized that on a conscious and/or unconscious level my husband knew he didn’t deserve that kindness and that triggered his shame - which just made him more abusive toward me - because it had to be my fault for him to hide from that shame.
165 comments within 5 hours! Jimmy- you are so very needed and appreciated.
28,000 views @ 3 days. Most don't comment.
The baiting is what I fall victim to EVERY time, and there is no accountability from the other individual.
Wow. That list Jimmy read out - nailed the description of my wife perfectly! I've been working through the divorce legal process now since late 2022 with no end! 100% everything Jimmy said I've been through (yes, even when I disengaged I got the "you NEVER loved me!"). Even being silent caused issues. I am in therapy now for my Complex PTSD, and now that I'm out I never expected that depression that follows. All the trauma I had been through, and repressed during the time, has now surfaced for me to deal with. If anyone else is going through this, get help, get support. Make your healing journey about being a better you and do not make it about doing the opposite of the abuser or to 'show that person how strong you are' it is and never should be about them - it is only about being a better you for you
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's amazing how hard it can be to detach even when you've disengaged. He's still in my head every day, and we haven't spoke or seen each other in a year. I definitely still feel crazy.
That’s good to know, that their word are still with you after a year. Recover is long and hard ❤❤❤
I do too. I had disengaged from warring words and boom! He could not handle my peace. It has been 14 months and even though I think of him too often, Jimmy and communities like this remind me to "remember" clearly and not to put on those metaphorical rose colored glasses of nostalgia.
My friend never apologizes to her narcissistic nightmare. She's learning when the conflicts start it's the same old out of him. I gave you everything I help anyone who needs it. He has been a good provider she tells him this house can be made out of gold it won't change what you do to me. That comment makes him rage. 😤 what a vicious circle.
I'm going to have her follow this channel to help herself. Would a narcissist watch even two minutes of these type of videos? Oh forget this tidbit she's disengaged and he says I'm not going to put up with this.😬😬😐🤨
My in laws are the narcissists. My husband has all the trauma bonding signs of being a child of narcissist parents. Everyday I tell myself, "If I leave him to deal with his parents alone, he'll never know true unconditional love." So I stay and try and help him through the trauma. Even though sometimes he treats me like his parents treat him. Which I have to remind him when he does it. All the while trying to heal from my own childhood trauma. I'm trying to educate myself as much as possible about dealing with narcissist parents and helping heal the child of a narcissist. Some days it takes all the love I have for my husband not to leave. I pray a lot and read a lot for our marriage.
I’m right there with you. My MIL is clearly narcissistic. This past year, I finally realized why I had so much trauma from my experiences with her. My FIL is complicit as he goes along with her. They talk behind my back. Apparently, I haven’t been good enough for their son although they tell him I’m perfect for him. While my husband isn’t like his parents, he has some tendencies occasionally with his behavior and I have to remind him what he’s doing. It’s exhausting. It’s crazy how he doesn’t even realize the effect they’ve had on him even though I see it.
@@newfie_mom7300 exactly! Your story is exactly like mine. My MIL is the narcissist as well and her husband has narcissistic tendencies. They keep secrets, gossip, lie and manipulate all the time. It's exhausting. I will keep you in my prayers. We are not alone in this.
@@rebelliouscarpenter I will be praying for you too. And for our relationship with our spouses. I’ve invested in my husband so much. He is a good man. I have Lyme and am so sick yet he stays with me and does what he can to help me. He’s so much calmer and is himself when he doesn’t spend much time around his family. God will give us wisdom and help us through all this. Don’t give up.
Just described my wife and my situation to the T. Chasing my room to room trying to argue more, throwing shit and then telling me it’s ok cause they were upset when they did it so they’re allowed. 8 years together and the last 3 years in therapy because every convinced me I was the crazy one and my therapists convincing it’s really not me and I’m pretty normal.
I now know I’m being abused emotionally and psychologically but just can’t leave still, I can’t bare the thought of breaking up our family and keep holding on to hope things will change. Lately I’ve just been telling myself it’ll either change or I’ll have to get sick of it at one point and leave because I just won’t be able to take the belittling and slandering and gaslighting anymore. I will be heavily mentally damaged by then but I’ll be able to say I tried to my kids….
You never stay …ever.You teach your children that behaviour is normal.Leave.
Don’t stay. Your children will learn, that this a „normal relationship/ marriage“. You let your wife make new narcissists or victims. In the long run they will be the next victims for her tantrums. My guess is: they’re already are the victims. You aren’t always home. Do you think, she stops at the children? Get out, before she goes to your children.
I understand what you're saying about at least you'll be able to say you tried to your kids. That thinking could keep you in the situation for the rest of your life. How sadly we put up with shit just to try saving our reputation.
Oh wauw, that's my mom! 😪 I tried my whole life to get love from her while she does no effort at all and hurts me every time!!! She doesn't take any responsability, my emotions are not allowed to be there, she doesn't know what empathy is, she is always the victim (she was when she was a child), she shames and blames me, she uses me (lies) to get other people's sympathy, she constantly critizes me, ... I got the message (my whole life) that I'm worthless... did she ever want me??? She makes me so unhappy/sad, she even makes me ill (auto-immunedisease due to trauma). IT HURTS SO MUCH!!!! No mother should do this to her child! I am now healing my inner child and it gives me hope; the little me deserves love and respect. 🥰
Sending you huge hugs
Another point to that long list: they always choose the battlefield, and it is where they have the upper hand (face to face confrontation) - If you try any other channel (chat, phone, e-mail...) they will dismiss it as not being a "real" conversation, and force you into a face to face conversation. Even after you have repeatedly said how unsafe you feel, or how your nervous system keeps shutting down on a frontal argument with them. They do not care about how to "make it easier for you", they just care about winning. And hopefully, destroying you. Literal words
But be prepared. Because once you finally get the knowledge & the courage to set those healthy boundaries, they might get aggressive or violent. Because they are used to being in control. If theyve gotten away with this for years, they don't like to think of you as a person who has your own mind apart from them.
But this video was an encouraging reminder for me of reality. It helps to hear someone who understands describe what you've experienced.
They always get worse once their usual control tactics don’t work. I’ve found this with all the cluster B types throughout my life. As I’ve been working on myself and looking back at family roles; my family members, my “romantic” relationships, my ex ex etc - they all have consistently increased abuse as I’ve set boundaries or spoken up. The consequence to boundaries is more abuse. For the last few years I’ve recorded every conversation with my family members - to maintain my sanity “I never said that”, yelling, swearing, name-calling, re-writing history, lying. Recording only goes so far, I had to go no contact because every contact was just abuse - pointless.
@@annie_charcheologist What is Cluster B?
I speak English but as a 3rd language and I’m not familiar with this term. Thank you 🤍
@@ceciliamac4283 cluster b refers to antisocial personality disorder (PD), borderline PD, histrionic PD, narcissistic PD.
@@annie_charcheologist Thank you very much for the explanation
@@ceciliamac4283 nawww that’s fine.
This is true, it’s crazy making and you’re the only one that loses. You win when you stop letting them have control over you, your thoughts and feelings.
They are unsaveable, they are not like us. It’s not mean or inhumane to walk away, they are not your responsibility, you didn’t make them this way.
They will not put any energy into helping or fixing themselves, so why should you?
Exactly. They put in no effort.
They are like explosive children who have been caught out red handed, and will do anything to take the heat off of their own shame.
You absolutely NAILED IT. Thank you.
Jim, this is so spot on. I lived with that for several years. I'm very glad that there are people who are exposing these narcissists. Thank you for what you do 😊.
This has been my reality and I hate every second of it
Took control by filing for divorce after almost 12 years. Now I have my own home and feeling more and more like myself. Thank you for your videos!
This is so true to a T ! How I feel from my current relationship, he chooses people over me and says it's a problem with me. Tells he will do something then doesn't. He says I shouldn't be hurt or think a certain way. I found myself saying things back and yelling i literally told him last night i never have acted this way with anyone hes pushed me to a breaking point no matter what i say he invalidates me
@@Truckerbabe89 Please, leave. I know it’s hard but I did it and as much as I missed him at first, I feel SO SO SOOOO MUCH BETTER without that piece of puke that use to invalidate me and telling me: it’s your interpretation of things, can you just move on, bla-bla-bla. Oh how I don’t miss those toxic sentences.
You got this!! Trust me. Angels are and will be with you every step of the way. And what helps is to do: somatic yoga (from trauma informed coaches in TH-cam). It helps a lot healing the heart and releasing trauma. Also, automatic writing 3 pages every morning and shredding and throwing them away. It doesn’t matter what you write as long as you don’t put the pen down. Even if it’s a grocery list followed by insulting that person who speaks garbage to you, put anything that passes by your mind. It’s very healing. And EFT (emotional freedom technique)
Oh and EFT tapping. There is this one video I loved about tapping after leaving a narcissistic relationship and she was tapping for the feeling of desolation they leave you in and with. It was powerful to say the words while tapping.
Same for me-37 years in December. He never does anything he promises, and when reminded out of literal necessity, the explosive rage and gaslighting begins. Neighbors and friends think he's awesome, because he would be there the very next hour or day to finish something they ask for, like grading their road, fixing some plumbing etc, while I have waited 20 years for a security light by the side door, or irrigation for some trees... Sabotages the rare outing, with road rage, and spiteful behavior. Rejects anything I suggest, but if I go do things alone, (things he has promised for years and years), he gets jealous and angry. I feel like I'm fighting with another woman sometimes...really creepy. I don't react to him anymore. I'm still here because I'm overwhelmed by the magnitude of what it will take to end this. I worked just as hard as him to accumulate what we have, but he tries to make it look like he did it alone... Begrudges having to divide our assets equally. He wants the marriage to remain intact, but would not go to counseling. Loves to volunteer, and sits on committees, but refused to sit down and talk about the broken marriage, because he feels that he has done nothing wrong and "wants things to go back how it was before... " Basically, have everything his way, without resistance.
@@todaysrules6730 I am so sorry to read this. Please, try to go to counseling alone. If you can find a therapist who knows about narcissism that would be even better. It will help you so much navigate your exit from this mariage. You can’t do it alone. Like you said it’s so overwhelming. But trust me it’s doable and totally possible. Write every morning when you wake up 3 pages of automatic writing (by Julia Cameron). It saved my life. But also do EFT (emotional freedom technique) it helped me and continues to help me so much. Record his rages with your phone if you can (just sound without filming him). Just record his gaslighting if you can. You can share that with you therapist and will also help you in several ways when you relisten to how he manipulates you. It helped me with exiting my relationship.
You deserve peace of mind and the price to pay is to leave these people out of our life.
OMG this guy! ❤ it's like he was right there every day!! In the house, in the car, on the phone EVER SINGLE DAY for years 😮
Exactly. It´s spot on, every word. 🧐
After years of gaslighting it took me a year to believe I was right to leave
Exactly! Don’t engage! I’m out!
My partner likes to tell me how I’m always looking for a fight….. he cheats on me, lies to me and wants me to look the other way. When I try to get my point across he tells me im fighting for no reason and to sit down and “close my mouth”. Even when I’m not yelling, when I’m talking about what makes me upset he tells me I’m looking for a fight. Instead of admitting to cheating or apologizing he tells me it was my fault because I looked in his phone…. I was looking for problems
I hope you know, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! They are making their own bad choices on their own
I hope you can leave him soon and safely Kelley. He will escalate if he hasn't, he will. Please be safe, you deserve to be respected
@@kelley4795 Stop talking to him, and focus on planning your escape. Focus your energy and effort on you, staying safe and getting out. I lived this nightmare for years until I finally caught him cheating and got him out of the house. See a lawyer as soon as you can and keep it a secret. Do not speak about your plans and get solid legal advice. I am praying for you.
My husband is the same way!!
After yet another altercation with my ex it’s as though this video was made for me. He doesn’t trigger me like he used to, I see him as who he is now, and I have better boundaries and have detached. When the conflicts happen, and they do, it’s nice to be reminded of all the things you just said.
These people will bring out the worst in you and paint a picture. You were always the issue.
Yes, exactly. It is exactly bringing out the worst in me. I've given up as of today trying to talk to him. He was a drunken beast all weekend than his Monday/sobrr self can't stop asking, "are you mad at me?" " you seem nad at me."
I'm just being neutral and aloof. He's an addict as well and can't even look away from his screen (s) to make eye contact to even start a conversation- about anything. He's not my current partner, he's an ex boyfriend I live with. But yeah, no one else thinks there's no reason for me to be worried about the new kittens.....or the other legit responsibilities and my feelings- my stress level.
Yep they flip things on you to make everything out to be your fault.
@@ElizabethDAntoniohope you can move out when possible. It will damage you and age you putting up with this. I have to deal with my ex as we are neighbours and I want to be there for the fabulous cat we share care of. Sounds bonkers I know but that cat saved my life when we were together.
Its really hard to battle with them they are just so good in arguments in the end you are the bad guy
Billie Eilish: _"...duh."_
You can "win" the argument by remaining in control and not letting yourself be taken for a loop by understanding what is going on and how the manipulation works.
Doesn't mean there is any price to get out of it, you win but nothing will change.
The only thing that will change is that they will push you further away because they don't like losing, more so than they don't like looking at or changing themself.
It also never feels like a win because it's frustrating, tiring and depressing to deal with and it always ends with a cold shoulder.
I'd still say it's better than getting taking for a loop or giving in to them.
Especially since it means they'll end up ditching you if it continues on long enough :D
(or short enough in a lot of cases as well, which is also somewhat of a bluff: they use leaving you as leverage because you don't want to lose someone you for some reason care about. Or they legit just switch supply because they had multiple hooks out anyway, either way good riddens...)
Just that they'll want you back the moment you are happy again with someone else, but that's a different story... They don't like seeing you happy with others, or have someone else play with their toy... Either they play with their toy or no1 does, and some don't mind breaking their toy to ensure that... (stay away from malignants!)
It’s like walking on quick sand isn’t it.
You speak about the narcissist not respecting boundaries and following when you walk away to leave the abusive conversation. But after years and years of having a narcissist refuse to engage in any conversation where we needed to come to an agreement or solution by going silent and dismissively walk away, I’d follow them around to try to get ANY words out of them. The frustration would build until I was yelling at closed doors. Not speaking and usually exiting the room was how he knew he could get a reaction out of me until I figured out that was exactly what they wanted and stopped asking for anything from them at all. Even if I pleasantly asked if they knew where a misplaced household item was, they would just look at me and not respond. When I followed them out of a room, I wasn’t disrespecting their boundaries, it was a cry for engagement with my spouse. It was never about disrespecting their boundaries, it was about the desire to be worth speaking to, but they wouldn’t even give me that much. So yes, I was gaslighted into believing I was a narcissist, as he began calling me, but that was never true. Yet if they watched this video, they’d point at that ONE behavior as complete validation I was and disregard the rest.
I have been around narcissists and manipulators for YEARS! This cycle is also in my family. It is toxic no one in my family and even my exes in my past relationships are not capable of holding themselves accountable. I realized that the change starts inside. If i begin to hold myself accountable inside, i attract people who hold themselves accountable and they have a sense of integrity and i love being around people like that. This is an amazing video ❤❤❤
Don't argue. Avoid them or grey rock their arguments. It is not worth the energy.
100% my mother with that list. She still holds things against me that I did as a toddler, like a normal toddler would do, and I'm now in my 40s. And worse, if for whatever reason I'm venting about another narcissist to her, she sides with them every time. And she always has this thing of making you "fix" the "mistake you created," and she just enjoys watching the misery in that. My earliest memories as a kid go back to having to do this.
I would keep a distance. Limit contact because she will just throw 💩 on you and will throw that on your kids too. My MIL tried to use manipulation and guilt on my kids when my spouse and I went on a trip out of the country. When we got back, she complained for an hour to my spouse. I don’t know why he even spends time listening to her complain. 🙈
after being belittled , gaslit, and told i was crazy and that i was the narc and had seizures from all the stress / abuse! I was always wrong! Then I tried to "teach him a lesson" by treating him the way he treated me but it only made him blame and shame me worse so i just shut down and dont talk anymore... i do the 5 blink method and just stare at him for 5 blinks...but of course I was supposed to know he loved me when he threatened me with abuse! oh but he'd never hurt me! he loves me too much to do that! All my friends left me and don't talk to me anymore... and im not allowed to talk to my family on facebook anymore because "your always talking shit about me to your family to make me look like the bad guy!" i tell them the truth... both our sides the fact that HE makes HIMSELF look bad is my fault... im a terrible mother and any fight he asks the kids who they want to live with! Belittling me for being too scared to be screamed at for cooking by his narc uncle...
I had a “relationship” with a guy, he was a stalker type. I was so glad that he doesn’t live in the same country. He came twice without preparing anything to me. I told him many times, I’m not into him, I have no feelings. He ignored it. He told me all the time what to do and what to believe. He was like my mother. All relationships I had were with narcissists, who always took advantage over my whole life. They ruined me, and I always moved on and had to start over. I’m not letting anyone into my life again I’m so broken. Like I really wish I could find someone who is actually not a creep. But I don’t know how.
I would think being given the silent treatment is a reward. I went no contact with my Mom. At first, the guilt was pretty heavy but I kept telling myself: "Given the choice between feeling guilty the rest of my life, or dealing with her, I'll gladly choose feeling guilty." In time, the guilty feeling went away.
Every time I won an argument with my narc father he always screamed “you are a SOB” and I replied “ha ha I won” and then leave. He really hated my guts.
See if I did that, I’d get beaten up.
You just described my life and absolutely confirmed for me what I’m dealing with. Thank you Jimmy. This makes my path a little clearer. I’m sending myself this video so I can remind myself each morning.
Thanks again!
Thank you. I'm a year and a bit no-contact with my mother, and she's now started to try and creep back in - using my kids to send messages. I needed this as a reminder as to why I keep no-contact.
There is no such thing as in arguing with a narcissist and ‘winning’. You win by walking away and going no contact.
And if you can’t because there is some tie to them as in kids or a professional link or whatever, then one needs to learn to create emotional distance. And that - when a trauma bond has been created - is one of the hardest things to do.
I am going through it as we speak.
Doesn’t matter what you do - you can be kind and silent, you can be more outspoken and try and create boundaries - rest assured, they will do whatever they can do get a reaction from you.
But whatever you do - do not argue with them. It is an argument you will loose.
Staying silent also becomes problematic.
Yep, might be accused of abusing them... Since silence is also a tool there.
Also, silence can indicate resignation... Which is the goal.
@@HaruKomorebi Yes, but when it's family then it becomes very difficult. Narcissistic family members are conflict seekers and when u don't react, they come at u with their rage.
@@rishabhtripathi3859 That sounds frustrating and confusing... It's difficult to deal with a narcissist and come out with peace of mind.
I'm advocating for something like: "hey, I need a little space right now to consider this. Could I come back to you later?" when a conflict starts. Like keep it focused on what's best for both people.
Never wanted to win, or get back at them, there's no win, and couldn't be bothered I've already wasted too much time on nothing going nowhere, I just want to get on with my life .
Even when you “win,” you lose because the next time you fight they’ll remind you about how you bullied them into apologizing last time. It’s this extra layer of manipulation to make you question if you really ARE the problem. Once you see the patterns you can’t unsee it, and then you see that they’ll try harder and more blatantly to bait you.
After 17 yrs, I've finally thrown in the towel trying to have a relationship with my stepdaughter and her mom. It's crazy how their behaviors are the same. I know it's not genetic, but they're so enmeshed into each other's lives, it's like they're twins. The constant lying and manipulation was draining because of all the drama and gaslighting. I don't miss it, but it's too bad really. They will never ever change and it's actually a relief to be away from them.
I love Jimmy's work, and before I watch this one, I have to tell you my sure fire method for arguing and winning with a Narcissist.
it is actually EASY! You only have to be SLEEPING because in my case it would ONLY be in my DREAMS!
OK, now I am ready to watch another great video from Jimmy!
This guy and Danielle Radin are top advisors in dealing with narcissists.
the hardest truth i had to learn about my ex wife is that i never would find closure and staying silent is the best way. when i am a person who can talk for houres to resolve a conflict.
My favorite answer to trying to argue with my ex (undiagnosed narcissist) was trying to have a debate with a drunk. You can't ever get to a common ground, or even any conception of basic equality. It's a moot point.
They will do things that force you into confrontation
🎯
Run 'n' gun.
I ain't gonna take no more mixed messaging off my mom. And she _knows_ it.
Yes, right. In my case that's exactly what's about to happen - I'm being forced into a confrontation. I'm sitting/hiding in the garage trying to work out what I need and how to say it. I'll probably cry and as I'm a woman I may be accused of being upset over nothing. Usually I stay quiet and leave, but I'm holding in too much. I know because it's making me sick, physically and mentally. I'm crying all the time , and no, I don't need to call my shrink for more pills. That's his recent song.
@@ElizabethDAntonio Can you minimize their involvement in your life? That's the ideal thing to do..
@@ElizabethDAntonio are you safe?
Oh my god I'm living this and I'm sick to death of this crap! Narcissist are like 3 year Olds! Right now I'm stuck with that piece of crap!
Jimmy, I've had to learn this the hard way with my ex-husband who is a covert narcissist. We share a teenage son so unfortunately he is still in my life a while longer. Thank you for sharing this video as it validates the experience some of us have had. As you say in the video, this is difficult and it is. No one understands until they are in a relationship with a narcissist. Setting boundaries and standing your ground is the only way to have sanity and "win".
OMG, Jimmy. Having been surrounded with several narcs, I couldn't decipher one of them...This is the video which gave me so many of my answers. Now I know what I don't need to do anymore to try and make it all work. God bless you!
Last winter, I got into a huge fight with my younger sibling after years of me feeling fearful of them rejecting me if I spoke up about their criticism of me and others. Frankly, I got fed up being gaslit and blamed. I was told that I was vindictive, arrogant, etc. etc. At the same time, I took full responsibility for how I didn't handle the fight as well as I could have. I was asked to leave their home by the next day. Before leaving, I left an apology letter (which, to be honest, what I do) then a month later I sent another letter. My sibling blocked me on everything the day after the fight. Then I found out that the sibling refused to read my letters (and even asked one of their young adult children to read it who told my sibling that it was a letter of apology; it didn't matter, they refused to read it). Essentially, my sibling did everything they could to have it be no-contact with me. After all these months, I've come to accept this reality. BTW, I continue to have good relationships with their grown children and with their partner.
'Jimmy, I AM SO, SO, Extremely Grateful For Having Found You.. ... No Words From Me, .... Your Words Are PRICELESS. .... 'Thankyou'. 💖
Even heaven couldn't keep a narcissist he was sent down to the world .
My ex nar blamed me for anything that goes wrong, his mother blamed me for all the issues she has, one day I’m done. I couldn’t even point out anything that he did wrong such as forgetting to lock the door before we went on a long trip. This video described my ex to the T. I’m sure he will change for the new gf 🎉🎉🎉
Wow. Exactly how I feel. I’m going down two fast. After seven years. I feel my life crumbling but after hearing this. I’m not the only one that has felt this way. Thank you . For this video .
Thank you Jimmy! You are so right on about everything. Ladies, muster up all your strength (and in my case stubbornness) and do not let them get to you anymore. Disengage. Go rogue. It will be the best thing you ever did. They will show you their true colors if you couldn’t already see them. It will be a gift.
Even writing down any rules for conversation does not work with them.
They never admit they are breaking the rules. If you remind them, as usual - they only tell you that you attack them, you are negative, you like to fight - but never are able to stick to the rules they agreed on the other day, even if you have written them together on a paper 🤷♀️
This video was spot on. I tried very hard and she used it all against me. I tried to understand her, i opened up to her, i was vulnerable, i expressed my emotions, i gave her room to express hers, i tried to help her understand herself. I did everything earthly possible. I tried loving her harder. She used everything against me. She was a victim. She used all my triggers and emotions. I tried every approach possible. I can go on and on. She discarded me and just moved on.
"Maybe if I yelled loud enough they'd hear me" -so true. I've literally had to be screaming in order to get my point across and feel like I'm actually heard.
Ty you SO much. You actually teach and give concrete info for those of us discovering we are, or have been, with a narcissist
I’m listening and crying. This is how I am treated at work and I’m learning how to just shut down which isn’t healthy but I’m literally shutting down to the point. I am annoying the narcissistic sabotaging coworkers.
They’re getting angrier and angrier and they’re yelling. Do you hear me? Do you hear me answer me but they won’t answer me. They won’t ever answer me when I inform them of something that’s pertaining to their job
I’m not going to participate when they are unprofessional and sabotaging and harassing me
Also, I’m trying to support a friend who isn’t a beyond toxic relationship he doesn’t put his hands on her, but he abuses her every other way, and he thinks his whole world about himself and they just had a baby together who is a preemie and he still doesn’t take care of the baby and they live together and it’s breaking my heart to the point I can’t listen anymore to the complaining because she doesn’t know her worth no matter how much I encourage her
That's my mom. I've heard that narcissists can be created by other narcissists. I'm scared she's making me a narcissist because in order to respect the facts and evidence and not let her gaslight me, I have to be immovable, which goes against my nature, but it's less and less my nature. It really does make me feel insane.
This was very healing to hear. Exactly my life and I did get sick. I lived in this for 12 years. Already my health is improving and I can remember myself and what is good about me. Now I can give more of me to my 5 children.
You were reading that list and I'm all like "check, check, check, check, check." 😢😢😢
cried watching this. Thank you for validating my life, even just for another day.
I recently learned gray rocking. It gave me so much.