How To Spot A Narcissist's Addictive Patterns
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 มี.ค. 2023
- In their never ending their search for narcissistic supply, narcissists can resemble addicts who cannot get enough. "Feed me" is a phrase that applies. Dr. Les Carter shows the parallels between narcissistic and addictive patterns, and reminds you that their inner emptiness keeps them from interacting with you in a healthy fashion.
If you are interested in online therapy, Dr. Carter has a sponsor who can assist. Go to our sponsor betterhelp.com/drcarter for 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp and get matched with a therapist who will listen and help.
Listen to Dr. C’s POPULAR PODCAST at anchor.fm/dr-les-carter.
It also is available on Google, Apple, Spotify, and Amazon.
Sign up for Dr. Carter's course: Ready, Set, Connect
courses.survivingnarcissism.t...
Get 20% off when you use the coupon code: rsc20youtube
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
Join the Team Healthy community HERE: survivingnarcissism.tv/subscr...
Check out videos, articles, quizzes, and more at our website: survivingnarcissism.tv
You can follow Surviving Narcissism on:
Twitter: @SNarcissism101
Instagram: @survivingnarcissism101
Facebook: @survivingnarcissism101
Dr. Carter has two other courses that you may find to be useful:
Free to Be: Reclaim & rediscover your uniqueness survivingnarcissism.tv/free-t...
This Is Me: Setting boundaries with the controllers in your life survivingnarcissism.tv/this-i...
Dr. Carter's personal website: drlescarter.com/
Dr. Carter's other TH-cam channel: / drlescarter
Bookstore: survivingnarcissism.tv/books-...
Addictive Mindset: 1. External stimulus not internal calm. 2. Sentimentality not character 3. Relationships transactions not belonging. 4. Always Escaping Pain not Embracing Mortality. 5. Devouring not Nurturing---Feed Me! 6. Takers not Givers 7. Little internal purpose, shallow. 8. Honesty comes and goes and keep secrets easily 9. Mood of the Moment not Internal Contentment. They are addicted to your propping them up. Very poor stress management skills; unresolved hurt and anger and neediness.
We need to understand them so we don't get tricked into carrying their pain inappropriately.
Good notes, Shahadah!
Like this summary!
take about taking and seldom giving what a joke all about what they want, need ,feel ....,nothing about the other person
Well said 👏
100%
The narcissists i know are also addicted to alcohol and drugs, which makes their narcissistic behavior X10 worse and untreatable. 😒
Dr Carter I am 81 in poor health and have covid. I am asthmatic I am on steroids and nebulizer. Still testing positive. I now have an infection in my leg from chair crashing down on it. I can identify with all comments. 20 years of sharing home with daughter 50 plus years. What can I achieve?
"They don't nurture" so true. You will never feel love. So sad😥
My dad spent almost 30 years in AA. Years ago, he told me about, “dry drunks.” It was people who behave like they have additions; but they don’t drink alcohol. Very apt description.
Mine too didn't know what it was tell I was in treatment for alcohol it was mind blowing he was nasty old SOB
It's a messy stew of egocentrism, dependency, and anger. Even when the alcohol/drug is removed.
In other words, drinking was never the problem.
It's an addict or alcoholic forced into an undesired sobriety with no intent to rehabilitate themselves.
wow; Very beneficial.
So basically whatever is going on they are focused solely on how to get their next hit. That’s enlightening.
That’s addiction 101, it means more than life itself, unfortunately.
Spot on again. You put the addiction into perfect words. Once I withdrew myself from being the "pill" I was quickly discarded and they moved onto someone else for their fix. I have peace without these people that drain me.
Their loss!
the big one for me -- the one that really helps me understand this issue the best -- is that they need you (and require you!) to make them feel OK. which is impossible. so you will necessarily fail. but that's your job in life. to make them feel OK. once you realize that (and therefore you will never succeed because you can never make someone else OK), you can see clearly that it's time to excise this relationship (to the degree possible). ❤ PS Might be interesting to explore WHY it's not possible to make someone else OK. Might seem obvious to you as a Dr. but I don't think it is to everyone.
100% Doc!
& They seem to think that moving on to new relationships/location they can run away from their problems & find peace within a new situation. NOT going to happen - they just cycle.
My ex was very repressed. He couldn't handle my anxieties unless it suited him. I now appreciate my sensitivity. His control I feel made me feel crazy. HE had no boundaries I see now and loved upsetting me. GRRRR.
They are great de-stabilizers ~ that is what their gaslighting is all about. Making you question yourself.
Cheers🙂
Their neediness looks like a bottom less pit. The more you give them supply, the more you are depleted. Cut off the supply when they say "feed me."
There's a saying that goes "everybody lies." Well, a narcissist is a LIE! And the lies which gaslight and confuse, cause harm to those they target are part of an attempt to hide the false self.
Six years ago, at the age of 60, I was finally able to break away from my sisters and mother. The dysfunction was beyond repair. Two of the 4 are narcissists. I have never regretted that decision and only wish I had done it decades ago. I have been in weekly therapy for 2 years. This is an extremely painful and difficult recovery process. Good luck to you ❣️
I'm all about patterns these days Dr.Carter , I look forward to your take on this . I'm feeling absolutely wealthy in the insight department these days & I know there is so much more to learn . Thank you so much for your kind dedication to healthy minds . 🙏❤️🧠
Dr Carter, your insights have helped to put up walls (boundries) where they need to be and how thick.
I Agree. Dr.C has helped me so much too. Take care 🙏🙂
It's a whole new set ideas and takes a whole different mindset.
Not I'll get my own back not hatred but love and sorrow for the perpetrator.
And also keep them at arms length don't acknowledge their existence.
Someone else can redeem them if it's possible.
@Pauline Richardson Redemption is for God to decide. I hope they have it.
Dr Les Carter has given us "a tool box" to deal with any narcissistic person we encounter.
Addiction to CONTROL and OBSESSION
Exactly Godblogger
I, once, had "mine' get off the phone start raging at me and simultaneously start wolfing down as much food as possible.
I realised at that moment that I was Literally and Figuratively watching them trying to fill that 'internal black hole of emptiness"
Scary stuff
M hopkins I hear you. My ex once told me that eating helped to relieve the horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach he always had (stress from fear and the continual running away from the dark thoughts and former traumas). Even as I understood THEN, it makes 200 percent MORE sense Now. It makes me sad that he was able to articulate quite a bit of his pain and struggle, but was never able to fully face and DEAL with the darkness and insecurities. In the end, my love, patience’s and endurance were not enough. I eventually emotionally checked out (to preserve what was left of myself) and so of course, that dwindling SUPPLY can only lead to one thing in the end: A DISCARD.
Which it did.
The dog in the background looks so peaceful and nice☺. I am not an expert, but it often appeared to me as if dogs somehow reflect the personalities of their owners. I've just googled it and there are actually some studies about that 😉
I think there is some truth to that! Gus and I are synchronized!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Gus loves the stuffing out of you and you love him the same way, it shows clearly in how he listens in the background. Both of you are lucky, LOL. My dog is much the same is how I know it for sure.
My whole life my father has been an alcoholic. Every interaction with him made me think to myself, "Why does it always feel like a transaction?" (exact words). Its mind blowing how Dr. Carters videos connect all the dots as if he's been living beside me all along.
We cannot give that which we don't have for ourselves.
Not love. Not respect.
Gus is in deep thinking mode
Narcissists can be compared to addicts, because they do have an addictive mindset. They are constantly addicted to your responses toward them, because they crave what they do not have inwardly. Their neediness defines them.
One single phrase that defines how a Narcissist thinks when he/she engages with you, is this, "Feed me!"
This "need for feeding" is called "Narcissistic supply", which can be all sorts of momentary fixes, like...
..."Feed my needs!"
..."Feed my compulsion!"
..."Feed my pleasure seeking desires!" etc.
Indicators of an addictive mindset:
1. Drawn toward external stimulation
("I need internal calmness!")
2. Drawn toward patterns of sentimentality
("I need to feel good!")
3. Relationships become transactions
("What are you gonna do for me?")
4. Ongoing attempts to escape pain
("I need pain relief!")
5. Efforts to devour
6. Driven by impatience
("I need it right now!")
7. They have become takers
("I need from you!")
8. Honesty comes and goes
("I have secrets and tell lies because it suits to get what I need from you!")
9. The mood of the moment drives them
("I need my supply whenever my
my inner chaos drives me!")
Why do Narcissists have such a strong neediness?
》They have very poor stress- management skills
》They have lots of unresolved hurt, anger and disillusionment
》They have a deep history of family
dysfunctions
Narcissists are stuck in their neediness (from the outside in) and whenever they collapse, "It is your fault!"
You can do better in a healthy way by asking yourself questions (from the inside out), for example:
"What does it mean to be responsible?"
"How do you find inner peace?"
"What does it mean to love?"
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶, thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝
Great notes, again, Roxy!
@@SurvivingNarcissism And again thank you so much, Dr Carter! Your spoken words really enlighten the Narcissistic mindset, behaviors and impacts.
@@roxymovie3938 Nice recap!
Cheers
@@marieldavison5121 Thanks & you are welcome, Mariel! 🌝
Spot on!
Seeing Gus makes the day feel happy! 🤗
Me too also!🐶🐶🐶🙂🙂🙂
This video described my ex GF perfectly...she had a need to "escape" to the wilderness i.e. camping/hiking. She always played the victim. Everything was black and white, and she hated being around people. She often felt like ppl were f@cking with her or they were micro aggressive towards her. Whenever we'd have a disagreement or an argument, I was "attacking" or "manipulating" her. The conversation would usually end up with her hanging up or storming off. For the first year, she always had to be on the phone with me (it was odd to me at first) or needed my help/advice with something. She had no plans for the future, no retirement, no insurance. Just lived with her parents (she's 38 mind you) and hoped on a prayer they would will her some of their land. I took a promotion at work and she showed very little interest..told me she felt like a loser and that i provided more value in the relationship, which confused me, bc i saw us as a team. Looking back, it was just awful. Yeah, she had her nice moments, and we shared some amazing times, but man, I never felt so confused or unappreciated in my life.
Sounds like a child who never grew up.
Are you sure your ex gf isn't my ex bf? His mom finally sold the house and moved in with her friend in order to get him out of her house--he was almost 60 at the time. I was already moving on with my life, though he was still trying to cling, and I didn't have the energy to push him away (he had broken up with me a year before that, for similar reason)
I need to come up with strategies to avoid giving narcissists in my life narcissistic supply. They will beat the attention out of me, so they can feed off of it. I need to watch out.
So true. I often that one of my former friends who was very Narcissistic viewed all of his friends as like drugs to take to modify his mood. We were all just things to be consumed and discarded.
Thank you for this video! This explains why my mom has always had the signs of an addict, but she isn't one. I've been wondering about that for years and you just cleared it up for me. Thank you!
They're addicted to spreading misery and mahem. If they're on drugs,
I sometimes feel that it's just another POS attitude to spread on the world.
Addicted to control, to lying, to drama, to getting attention, and being a victim….
My most recent x gf 💯
Funny looking at Gus LOL The dog looks at Dr. Carter like "why does he talk to the computer ?"
My narc FIL was speaking with my children. For the first time they were all laughing the kids were actually engaging my narc inlaws and for a moment everyone seemed to be ok. Then my FIL of course made it weird. He was trying to get the kids to say " do you love us? Do you miss us?". The kids were visibly uncomfortable and my husband ended the call right after. He was at a loss of words " why couldn't he be happy with the kids engagement? Why does he want more?" I wonder if this is related to what Dr. C was discussing.
Maybe he desperately needs the love but doesn't know how it comes.
And it comes across the wrong way
.
He could be grooming you for later heartache if he was diagnosed with a personality type disorder. If he hasn't he's probably trying to show affection like most insecure people do, " do you love me?" Or say thank you. You know parenting.
"A mind of devourment!" Absolutely, Dr. C. So greedy, never full. Never grateful or appreciative. Lol🙃
He was such an energy suck. It was always about entertaining him and keeping things moving. If he sat down anywhere for longer than one minute, he fell asleep. I was so relieved to finally get out and then I moved away. Grateful for peace now.
Devoured is the perfect word for it.
Thanks clears up the lack of encouragement, the impatience, the over sentimentality, what they want not what I need, the trying to get me to do things I don't want to or can't do, not getting help with what I do need, the rewriting of history, the utter shallowness of character, the total shutdowns when they don't want to bother. All while saying cutting things that sting. It's basically about them. One minute they want me to go on holiday with them (I can't im sick) the next calling me weak because I am ill! How they expect this to be okay I do not know! Or I didn't until now I realise the over sentimentality is to fulfil them. Makes sense ✌
Feeding a narcissist is just like feeding the devil, it will only weaken you and make the devil more powerful.
I was told that I could be a person that attracts NARISSIS?? The only think I can think of was that I believed in honesty, friendship. That’s what I was looking for. Nice guy. Boy did I get that & a hell of alot more. Finding out things After I married this guy. Still suffering. Never grew up, can’t have civil conversations. Self centered, always the victim when you want to have a conversation to discuss problems. There always left, Unfinished!!! Now a lot of baggage…😡
Have a great day team healthy!❤
You too Bev!🧁🌞
I totally agree, Dr C- narcissism is an addiction. So much pain. So much struggle. I have great love for my family- and I don’t believe love conquers all. It does help me to keep on keeping on. Love is all there is❤ Love is my entire motivation in life. ❤️🙏🏼
I went no contact last Summer from a narcissist. I had a slip up in September when my aunt died and I really needed a ride to the wake. When I called I thought to myself, this guy acted like a junky who just got his drug of choice! He didn't hear that my aunt died, he acted happy and giggling about the fact that I needed him! I felt disgust with myself for even calling him. After that I went no contact again but his flying monkeys show their heads once a month. I am being firm on this no contact. I don't need friends like that!
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy from California. They always must be the center of attention and on the receiving end of things. They would take the very blood out of your veins if they thought it would make them superior. They only want to benefit themselves. Great video on this subject Dr. Carter and we thank you so much and maybe it will save someone from getting into this nightmare.
The hardest experience I have…. The narcissist has replaced me in her life with a new man - whatever best of luck to him. But the new guy is buying my son all sorts of things and buttering him up. You know from a distance exactly how this is going to go, it’s going to implode. But you know the kids are being used and take on all sorts of trauma from the ensuing drama. I wouldn’t wish a narcissist upon my worst enemy.
Hang in there. Your son will see thru it soon.
Sadly this is exactly what my kids went through, including a dramatic implosion of the new relationship. Such an insidious abuse of children.
The more I learn about narcissism the more my heart freezes and I get so sad. Please , say hello to Gus.
Most narcissists may have obsessive compulsive disorder as comorbidities.
@@SendItForward obsessive compulsive disorder is not a diagnostic criteria for narcissism, it can be a comorbid.
I have NO idea what that last word means
I STILL have NO idea what that last word means
@@mandycote5662 means when a few disorders are present at once.
yes, aka co-occuring [co-morbidities]
Thank you sir every video I watched takes me in back memories of being abused and manipulated the bad part is I learn from your videos but when he is actually sucking me in I don’t know it until it’s too late 😢
And over and over I leave with the feeling of being cheated and manipulated and threatened and all that 😢
My jaw dropped at some of the examples Dr. Carter provided, especially how they away from pain because they do not know how to handle it then blame you
Patterns of dysfunctional behaviour don't lie...
I like your previous phrase that narcissists have a "harsh" agenda. I find myself often bumping up against people's agendas. They usually get mad at me. I'm okay with their agenda, but I just want them to stop and think about it. Naturally, people don't like having to think about their agenda: and as a result, this puts me on the out, but I'm okay being on the outside. I'm more interested in the inside anyway. I see what they do, but do they?
They don't have to justify things to me, as long as their choices make them happy; but, if their choices push people away, I'd rather they think about it and determine if it's worth it. Are their choices worth pushing people away?
It's the devil in me that likes to upset the cart; not knock it over, but make them think. I need my devil to survive. I'm not trying to push them away, but I am trying to bring them closer. There's nowhere near enough time in life to realize all that we are missing, and it saddens me and breaks my heart to see all that we are missing. The pretense is exhausting. It's okay, as long as it is what they want, but they accept it as if it is who they are and not who they chose to be. It's their choice but it may not of necessity be mine, and this they can never accept.
Mine was extremely impulsive
This talk checked ALL the boxes. I had begun to describe my family member’s behavior as dry drunk, despite being “in recovery”. This video really pulled it all together and gave me peace. She’s been having medical issues. Her physical illness is a challenge, but not the actual issue, it simply allowed her mask to slip. A few months ago she wasn't getting her way and actually said, out loud, “I don’t respect you. I don’t have to respect you. I’m not going to respect you!” And then after a couple of moments to compose herself, with a familiar fake smile she said, “I luuuuv you.” Yikes! Then she cut me out of her life, but is now trying to charm her way back into contact.
Thanks to your videos and other counseling, I have not initiated contact since then. I now consider that painful, revealing, accidental truth to be something the enemy meant for evil, but God used for good.
I am going to listen to it again, except as it applies to our mother (I was raised in a different household). I'd started to realize this is also a family pattern. This clears up a lot of frustration and confusion. Thank you so much. This video is a freedom!
Glad it resonated!
Tt[f[_f=r_'_'t=$_sz****@
Ditto.
Dr. Carter! You are such a wonderful resource. I am learning so much. This video is right on time in my healing. I won't go into personal details but the part where you mentioned something like their addictive personality will take your "givingness" to the extreme and if you don't provide what THEY need, regardless of YOUR personal values (I think this is what you were speaking to) they will keep pushing. In my case, the value I am equating this to happens to be one that I was "so respected, loved, valued" for~I was described in the beginning as "astute"....until I wasnt. You just put that particular scenario into perspective for me. Thank you so much Dr. C~~and my new mug is right in front of me as I write. Bless you n Gus n Mrs. C.
Very pleased, Terri! Enjoy the mug!
Thank you Terri, im trying to be ok also, you said you like figured it out about your mom, im sorry about how loved ones can be off base, my Doctor says, hec i guess i was a flying monkey, yea i kept the peace, im sorry but it hurts, to be like im disowned, i seen enough, i hate how we have to be like. my humanity is gone, im sorry, hec i finally told my sister, im fed up, it hurt me to hurt my loved one with harsh, my mercy i played a monkey, just cause i have a real take on ,hey treat people like normal, yea im sorry, but i seen to much un normal, its called surviveing narcissism, they will be just like the Doctor says, it's a trip, im a trip, yea i got the traits, but im not bent, them folks can do un natural. , im with go team healthy
@@lindabell2940 exactly❣️
Thank you for your video. I found it helpful to keep a journal, with a schedule chart days of the week the individual has been triggered. For instance, when the garbage truck is getting close ( on Saturday and Monday) they start the drama. Then when the Ice Cream man music annoyed them. That's on Friday evening. You see a pattern, these triggers remind them about motherhood or responsibility and a tirade or tantrum ensues. Once you write out the chart, you will see the humor in anger and rage over nothing. It's not nothing to them, its everything. You can brace yourself you'll see over and over the need for them to express hate and anger. When I hear the truck coming, I run out of the way!
Thank you Dr Carter and Gus too : )
Thanks, Blue Star!! Gus says woof!
Anything about how to see another one in our midst helps prevent mistakes...
Forewarned and Forearmed 👍
The big question for us elders to consider when continuing to cope around the odd malignant narcissist around is -- Who all are they the malignant narcissists maybe delegating today to put on that really big show for them and for how long will those people be able to keep up with that?
What about when Narcissists get aggressive and threatening with black mail, financial threats, domestic violence and physical threats? I live very close to fear. Thank you for your help. 🤔
Hi Dr Carter Gus and Team Healthy
Hi Stacy!
Thank you Dr. C♥️🙏🔥
Wish you and all here a beautiful day and a great week!!
💪🙂✌️
Well!!!! Gold star for that one doc! Crossed ALL the T's and dotted all the I's! Made me laugh out loud and dance a little jig! Like a pat on the back and a "it's not you" standard doubt comes from time to time but this morning .....you started my day with a alleluia! Thanks so much from Australia😊
Glad it resonated, Gail. Glad to be with you there Down Under!!
These 2 years I've had stages of health recovery from a doctor's cryotherapy treatment injury. My spouse who has liver cancer repeatedly reports his symptoms to me(not his doctors' visits). Each time they are my symptoms! .. as if only he has them and brainwashes with constant repetition. I think he's mocking me by copying while not sharing any medical information. He prefers a family member go with him for doctors' visits. He only has one topic, his symptoms. He's totally addicted to himself. So I let him "enjoy himself “ and I think about other things. I really found your video very helpful, Dr. Carter. Thank you so much!
It’s exhausting work 😅
Dear Doctor, thank You so very much for your wonderful job! You probably don't realize how much you truly help me and others to realize what's going on with narcissists. It is so important what you do. Thank you! Can never thank you enough, doctor.
Best of blessings and protection over you and your family members, doc, in Jesus' name. Amen.
Thanks so much.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Amen. Thank you, dear lovely helper.
I concur! Such a blessing! 👏🏾🙌🏾🙏🏾
Indeed, Dr. C! Lol 🙃So, true. Many narcissist (s) and their minions, seem absolutely addicted to Team Healthy living in constant deference to them in any and almost all situations. Always, one up... Beyond competitive, to say the least, but never in a good, fair, or even remotely reasonable way. Nope. So predictable. Many are simply beyond, beyond and absolutely have extremely poor people skills. Lol 😊Many just don't know how to do relationships of any kind well let alone authentically. It is very sad to see over and over again and understandable. It is also simulataneously liberating and empowering for us moving forward and continuously growing in healing spaces like this one. Thank you! 😊
Great video as usual
My SO of 7 years is a narcissist in active addiction. Let me just say i am continually shocked... He exhibits a degree of self centeredness I didn't think was possible. Desperate to fill the hole in the soul...
Interesting connection on addiction with narcissism. A video I’ll probably go back and listen to again!
Hey Dr C, narcissists have destroyed my life. I fought back and stood up for myself as much as I could for many years, but it was already too much for me to handle, as I had and have to deal with narcissists my entire life. I will not be around for much longer as my mental disorder (akathisia and ptsd) have become very severe. Narcissists took advantage of that and made sure it became as bad as it could. Unfortunately medication do not do much anymore, and I feel they have even made the situation worse, because I was not treated from the beginning through the right therapeutic form and way, when I reached out to the mental health specialists ,but I was on the contrary mistreated in the worst manner. I've always enjoyed your videos, you provide people with the right insight with which I have agreed with it and said so numerous times in the past. May God bless you and keep you safe my friend.
Hang in there. Keep watching Dr. C. You're not alone. Live more for yourself starting right now! Don't give up!
@@lisaorth3255 It is too late for me my dear. My mental health has been completely shattered. Emotional pain is unbearable now, at times physical too. Thank you for the kind words Lisa, God bless you.
Marios. I am sorry for your terrible experiences. Have you considered it is a spriitual battle? It is as if they have been overtaken by evil sprits. Consider praying to Jesus and ask Him for his help. God Bless.
God bless you. I hear you. I have full understanding of what you are saying. I am in a similar boat and it “can’t take on anymore water”, so to speak. Whatever happened to us, its “on record”. We want things we will never get. My strongest and very best prayers are with you.
Well so true my unique Experience
With a NPD
Just in 4 month's i saw it all.
I can't belive this kind of human being.
A relationship with a Narcissistic Is like a Business translation..
,,we all have needs like human being.
But NPD ARE to needy.
It's true feed me
Me me .
He gives with right hand.
,,& takes it with a left hand.
Most be horrible to live like that..
, ,they inspect it all,,
They don't nurish you,,but they want it all,,at u costs
Evil..energy vampire.
this is going to be interesting, how *they* act/behave like addicts for *"supply".*
however, makes me wonder if losing one's self in full time gaming 🎮, even after an eight hour job or sixteen to seventeen hours straight when not employed would also count as an addictive pattern for "them" when it may not be considered narcissistIC *SUPPLY*
Let the narcissist play games, at least the narcissist is not doing drugs, or having sex with tom and dick or jane, people have flaws, this gaming is ok in my eyes, its the narcissist, the lack of be real, dont lie, dont have a altered world, you is tripping, the narcissist is there own little world, bad habits, 0 no, a narcissist will make you need, a stiff wiskey, or a pill ,so you can forget, that son of gun, can be a narcissist, and they know what there doing
I had to start switching from “top” comments to “newest” comments in order to see them all.
Stop blaming the gamers
any adult thinking of themselves/referring to themselves as a Gamer is a problem in itself .. need to grow up
Happy Monday, Gus and Dr. C! 🌻
Incredibly insightful and informative video. My understanding of the narcissist’s “ perspective “ has just been clarified beyond belief. This is so helpful. Thank you so much for doing these videos. You have educated and subsequently help me so much. I can’t that you enough Sir. 🙏☮️❤️
Thank you Dr Carter and Gus! This is a helpful new way to consider these narcissists! Powerful stuff! 💪
I find this to be an absolutely profound perspective that I hadn't even considered, but it makes so much sense! Thank you so much Dr Carter. I know that narcissism tends to run in families, and I know that addiction tends to run in families, we have both in my family. In fact we have narcissists, other cluster Bs, plus addicts, and in some cases the narcissists are the addicts (alcoholics etc). So interesting. I wonder whether anyone has ever looked into whether families with higher rates of addictions also tend to have higher rates of narcissism. Any insights Dr Carter?
Yes. Also because the addiction skips generations, codependency or narcissistic tendencies can show up in those who did not turn to substance abuse within the family.
(Think of an adult child of an alcoholic, might have never touched booze themselves but bc of the lack of emotional nourishment and education childhood, inadvertently raise their own children without meeting any of their emotional needs, coming across as a narcissist. Adult children of narcissists are inclined towards substance abuse, and around it goes...)
@@PaigeSquared wow, that’s a great idea I hadn’t thought of…we sometimes can’t see the damage that they caused us moving forward, and it shows up like you said. Like a parent that doesn’t support the kids emotional needs… bcs they didn’t have theirs met from their parents.
My narc parent, who is an alcoholic, is currently telling me I am probably drinking whenever I stand up for myself. Talk about a projection.
Hammer hit squarely on nail head!
You are not drinking so much as you are evolving out of a role that sees you as insignificant!
If you are an adult you have basic rights :
1) The Right To Set Limits ~ I have the right to set limits on your hurtful and exploitative behavior
2)The Right Not To Be Emotionally Coerced ~I have the right to refuse to feel guilty
3) The Right To Emotional Autonomy And Mental Freedom ~I have the right not to be ridiculed or mocked about my values, ideas or interests
4) The Right To Choose Relationships ~ I have the right not to be disloyal to myself just to make things easier on you
5)The Right To Clear Communications ~ I have the right to ask to be listened to
6) The Right To Choose What’s Best For Me ~ I have the right to make my own decision, without self-doubt.
7) The Right To Live My Own Way ~ I have the right to take action even if you don’t think it’s a good idea
8) The Right to Equal Importance and Respect ~ I have the right to be treated respectfully as an independent adult
9) The Right to Put My Own Health and Wellbeing first ~ I have the right to thrive and not just survive
10) The Right to Love and Protect Myself ~ I have the the right to self-compassion when I make mistakes
Cheers J.🙂
When I did try to feed his needs, he’d still look for it from other women and people in general. Everyone thinks he’s golden boy, but is so indifferent to me and ignores me if I mention my needs. My grown kids think he’s the end all, and I’m the bad guy, thanks to his false narrative of me that he’s fed them. I feel so stuck but if I leave I feel I’ll lose my kids. He’s a big talker and I get so tired of his boasting and big stories!!
He sounds like a carbon copy of my narc.
Thank you 🙏 your closing statements touched my heart ❤
Dr. C you are influencing my dreams! Met a wonderful tall man and we hit it off but I thought oh no limerance! I don't have 2 years to wait like Dr C! 😂
Patience, patience!
Love "oh no limerance!"
Rofl, defining characteristic of acceptable man... tallness
@@patrickglaser1560 Tall & wonderful ~ can't leave out that second attribute! Lol
Cheers🙂
How to spot a narcissist:
1.) They talk about themselves, constantly. Hardly letting you get a word in. They always have to talk about themselves or turn the conversation back to them.
"Me, me, me, me, me, me, me."
On the other hand, if you do talk about yourself they will look bored or space out until you are finished. Sometimes they will even be on their phone, ignoring you while you talk.
2.) They come up to you out of the blue, randomly, and ask you for a huge favor even though you are strangers and feel awkward as they ask it because you hardly know them.
When you reluctantly agree they say "Thanks Buddy. You are my bff." and then tell other people you are super close. 👯
3.) They get into your personal space and won't leave you alone. If you break up with them, they will show up at your house unannounced and knock on your door and peer through your window like a creeper. Sometimes they will even send you love letters for months and months, never leaving you alone. They don't understand the word "no"
If they want you back, and know you will be attending a specific event like your friend's wedding, they will show up even if they weren't invited.
coughs Megan. coughs
They don't take the hint, and have no social manners/boundaries.
4.) They name their pets/child after themselves and/or celebrate their birthday month with 3 birthday parties. Each on a different day throughout the month.
5.) They embarrass family and friends in public. They will be rude to wait staff and then storm out of the restaurant, leaving you in the dust.
"I'm sorry, so sorry about my husband's rude behavior." you will apologize before running after your husband. Meanwhile, your husband is long gone, sitting in the car on his phone.
They make you feel like you need to apologize constantly.
6.) They make things weird/awkward.
They will ask too personal questions like, "Hey, can you look at my bunion?" or "I think I got a rash on my butt, can you check?"
You will feel weird/grossed out and suggest they go see a doctor.
"Why would I do that?" they respond, dumbfounded. Like a doctor isn't even part of the equation.
7.) They have low self esteem.
"Does my hair look okay?"
"Are you SURE I don't look fat?" then they will say "oh my gosh! My hair looks awful. Just awful. What do I do?? My life is over! What will the neighbors think?"
They will act dramatic, like their life is over because their hair isn't perfect.
8.) They take things fast. They wanna move in together after knowing you a week. They wanna introduce you to their parents after a month. They paint a beautiful life picture of future vacations, 3 kids, a giant house with a picket fence. Telling you that is what they wanna work towards with you. (Future faking)
Everything seems so great, but everything is so moving fast. Too fast.
9.) They may wear cool clothes, expensive sunglasses indoors, and fix their hair often.
They may also take selfies constantly and admire their reflection in mirrors.
10.) They tell you how you should feel or what you should do, or tell you what you are feeling is wrong. (Put their ideas onto you)
If you are working behind a counter, they will walk up to you and say "You look miserable. You should smile more. That would make customers (them) happy."
Or if you are friends with them and they ask "What's your favorite food? I like sushi."
And you answer honestly "Oh I don't really like sushi. My favorite food is spaghetti."
They will respond, "😱oh no no no, sushi is the best! Here, let's go to a sushi restaurant. I insist! Once you try it I'm sure you will like it."
You try to stop them. "I really don't want t-"
"Nonsense!" they bulldoze. "Let's go have sushi! It will be your new favorite food in no time! You'll love it, I just know it. It's the best food out there!"
OMG. Thank you for sharing. More insights into the chaos and confusion. ❤❤❤
You have helped in a big way coz you have opened my eyes to what I have been dealing with for years. And I have also noted that Gus is more of a cat than a dog, he is always sleeping.
It's not really the narc or their qualities but my seeking them out which is hurtful to me. I don't think that I need to be wary of everybody's potential narcissism and spend my time thinking about them. You would say that that's what they want from me, anyway. It's my sharing more than I should on their demand (when this does me no good) which I've got to avoid - and that's easy. I don't think that "spotting" a narcissist's addictive patterns helps me to enjoy life more. Instead it builds up a straw-enemy onto which I can project my disdain, impatience and fear. I think we (not pathological people) know what to avoid in life. The question is how to recognize being stuck and how to get un-stuck. Your "Team Healthy" seems filled with people who have been hurt by others, many for very long periods of time. There must come a point in time when it no longer behooves the pained one to understand, recognize and even think about the personification of that torture and instead just does not want to be tortured anymore! Please show us more on how to do THIS (enjoying life, having good relationships, freely sharing needs, joys etc.) Thanks for your efforts.
Thank you Dr. Les! My husband said the other day that he loves to make me mad because it makes him feel good.
You made me cry
WHEN I SAID TO MY SISTER, 'YOY DIDN'T SAY GOODBYE' AFTER WE HAD BEEN OUT TOGETHER, SHE TOLD ME 'YES IDID, I GAVE YOU PECK ON CHEEK, HAD TO RUN FOR TRAIN' I WAS PERPLEXED BECAUSE ALL I REMEMBER IS HER SUDDENLY BEING GONE, SHE WAS ANGRY, I COULD TELL EARLIER, I THEN DOUBTED MY RECOLLECTION, I HAD 1 DRINK, ALL I CAN SAY IS I DON'T REMEMBER ANY KISS GOODBYE AT ALL, WAS SHE LIEING, SHE WAS AS NICE AS PIE RECOUNTING EVERYTHING SHE HAD BEEN DOING, NEVER FEELING, THERE ARE NO FEELINGS INVOLVED, ITS VERY CONFUSING BECAUSE OF THESE CHANGES FR ANGER, ETC TO NICE AS PIE!OOOO
Gus is getting “gussied up” in the background. 😂
I was already married to my narcussist when I found him smoking crack cocaine in the bedroom. He got addicted to energy drinks, alcohol, etc and he died 8 months ago of meth overdose. I knew him 14 years.
That's tough ~ sorry you had to be exposed to all that.
Hope you are finding some healing now.🤗💚
Thank you Dr. Carter. Thank you..
Really great information! Unfortunately both my parents fall into this pattern. Their attachments/addictions are to problems and solutions are scary because it is a novel and uncomfortable approach! I have heard the same alleged victim stories for over 3 decades.
I would really like someone to explain how all relationships are not transactional. As far as I can see any kind of mutuality is by nature transactional, it just varies to what degree. Two 'healthy' people still exchange value among themselves, it is just more balanced than in unhealthy relationships.
Please let me know how this isn't true.
If I can take a stab at it: a relationship is indeed transactional if each contributes 50% to it. If each gives 25% yet expects the other to maintain their 50%, there is trouble.
If each gives 100%, without expectation, there’s a much better chance of success. Not to say that the percentage can’t wax & wane, due to circumstances, but setting that standard as a norm, out of a loving commitment, is characteristic of a non transactional relationship.
Unfortunately, with a narcissist, transactional is the highest hope.
Whoever loves the least, controls the relationship.
@@aaronkwolfe I like the question🤔 and your "stab at it" Aaron.
Particularly when you say giving "without expectation".
Character disordered people are ego centric or very self serving so any Giving has strings attached to a strict agenda.
Their giving is exploitive and you can be used as a means to an end.
Like the slot machine effect ~ the machine is programmed to floss you out of every penny you've got when you are broke it's NEXT. (Discard)
There is no empathy and the machine sees you as a sucker to be taken advantage of.
As you say Aaron the least emotionally invested person holds the most power to cause harm because they just don't care about you.
Take good care Aaron💙🙂
truly hope all is well in your neck of the woods.
@@marieldavison5121 Lol, I’m glad I’m not the only one (from TH) revisiting the comment section a day after an excellent stream. I’m not claiming credentialed authority, I just want to help.
Actually, I also return to see late responses from Dr. C so I can upvote them. I’m not sure, but if it helps monetize his stream, it’s worth doing. To me, anyway.
@@aaronkwolfe
Spot on Doc, well done!
7:30 "integral to their whole personalities" yes & a democracy too
Remember the song "Feed Me Seymore" from the movie Little Shop of Horrors? It's too creepy.
I guess I missed that one.
@@SurvivingNarcissismThe story is a plant enthusiast feels sorry for a carnivorous houseplant from outer space, so he lovingly cares for it. It demands more and more. It's an absurd humor that is spot on about how destructive relationships work. And the music is funny.
@@sage9836 it sounds like something outta the Twilight Zone!!!
@@SendItForward Or 'Day of the Triffids' 😳🤣
@@amandaliverpool3374 I will look that one up.
Yes we don't eat bull
The addictive behavior was more obvious to me than the narcissism. I want the least surprised when his ex gf told me he's a narcissist--it had indeed crossed my mind multiple times by then. I knew I wasn't ready to consider that aspect of him, so I simply didn't until it was unavoidable, though in retrospect his narcissism is tied up with his other addictions.
For years I thought I was the Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I was the child of a Narcissist.
The narcissism precedes the alcoholism.
Thank you for this extremely important and ingormative message dr Carter. God bless you❤
You are so welcome
I need peace so badly.
Thank you Dr. Carter
A very helpful video
These videos are helping me make sense of my past and helping me greatly feel better about myself
I am very curious about a term I just heard about (DARVO ~ deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). It truly hits home unfortunately. Whatever we call it, they are bad yucky people.
True!
Great value Dr Carter, thanks!
I believe we are all on the narcissistic scale. I know when I am going too far in that direction, it's the dopamine hit I am looking for. I think dopamine may have a lot to do with narcissistic people...that need to always feel good. I could be wrong though.
Can I say something about that what I have learned is the dopamine in the brain chemicals come from our attachments styles, so whatever, trauma or neglect, we went through when we were really little that filled our brain with those chemicals for survivor mode as we grow into adults we do not come out of that addiction for that chemical feel good Now from what I understand Dr. Carter saying when a narcissist is made, I think the chemicals in the brain yes or in survival mode, but they’re very maladaptive and thinking, and it becomes pathological whereas other of us if we turn into codependence or even borderline personality, personality disorder, we have a chance to heal and change that brain chemistry. Our nervous system our bodies definitely keep the score and we have to work on the deactivation of that.
_Wanting_ to always feel good -- is normal.
_Needing_ to always feel good -- is not.
Thank you...💙
My mother said to me I can’t diagnosed somebody is being a narcissist and informed her that I’m not diagnosing anybody it’s a pattern of behavior and the word, narcissism or narcissistic is a description of all these behaviors jammed in the one it’s a easy way of saying, projection, gaslighting, verbal, emotional abuse of another person all the things that goes along with being a narcissist
Well said!
I really found this episode valuable. I really needed to hear about Narcussist and there addictions.