Ive said for the past 6 years that I do not believe there could ever be a cure for narcissism. That position is something Ive maintained because of the NPD impulse to dismantle the therapeutic process. If a narcissist could be convinced not to do that (and I explain a possible method of how this could be done in the video) then there is a CHANCE they could be healed. But it would be very, very difficult and the Narcissist, NOT the therapist, would have to be willing to put in extremely challenging work, every day for a year or so. In the video I explain why its akin to someone to someone being in a coma for a long time learning to walk again Im not a clinician, Im not qualified to diagnose or do psychotherapy work with anyone. Nor have I ever altered someone with full blown NPD in any but the most cosmetic ways through coaching. But if there is a chance for full healing, I think it depends on these 5 key points.
@Richard Grannon - I feel like this may be a stupid question but it keeps coming up for me. If superego functions subconscious/unconscious & it controls us (codependents/narcs). How is all their manipulation and meanness conscious/intentional? How are they both a toddler AND a "cruel villain"?
@@KatyWithAWhyyy Its not a stupid question, its just a question of nuance. Superego controls the impulse, emotional flashback controls the "archetypal state" but there is still a choice to act or not act on an impulse or emotion. It would be a huge mistake to make the logical leap to saying "they dont know what they are doing and they are blameless". They DO not what they are doing and are not be absolved of guilt. The world couldnt function if we pardoned every criminal because "mental health" was a carte blanche to do whatever they wanted. In fact that would make them worse.
RICHARD GRANNON Ok, that makes more sense. May be due to my over analyzing and black and white tendencies that I broke it down as I did initially. Your answer helps me to frame it up. Thank you, as always! ☺️
@@KatyWithAWhyyy I had some experience with toddlers and I must say they are cruel. I do not believe anymore in the myth of the child as a sweet good creature. They are perfectly able to be bad and vendicative. It is human nature I guess. So super ego can be a child and so it can be cruel
I found that most people don't really want to heal despite the fact that they say they do. I know several codependants whom I met in my teens (often through a mutual narc friend) who complained to me about their mental health. When I told them that I think that they have CPTSD and recommended them to read more about narc.abuse they all backed up. Narcs have also complained to me about mental health issues. I recommended one of them to read a book that helped me. This person read the book and said "the book does not say enough about how to actually heal the issue". That was it :)
I am so grateful for this perspective. I am the narcissist who desperately wants to change for the sake of not perpetuating this cycle in my children's lives. This has been the most helpful video that doesn't focus on demonizing the narcissist. THANK YOU!
You are not the narc! No narc would say they are a narc! They are too disengaged with feelings and feeling that they would ever be wrong in any situation whatsoever! If you feel any guilt that means you're not the narcissist!
The narcissist inside me is very thankful for seeing this. I don't want to be like this. All the videos out there say we can't be helped , so to hear this is gives me hope. Thank you.
@@maskman1980 I hear it all the time, but the fact is he can be and I probably am too. The fact that we care for others and our careers does not mean we are not narcissistic. For example I'm angry at anyone that opposes me, while not being able to actually force my way. I don't know how to fight, I only got by in life because people know a lot less about street fights than me. My first thought to fix this is not to stop forcing people to do something my way, but to get stronger, have a bigger car and a gun. I can't accept not being right and I will not. And I am aware of this, but not willing to give up. This might kill me one day, you know? But I still do it. So I am, by def, a narcissist.
@@victoriamarie35 it's rather tragic really. I feel mechanical emotion. I never had real love, while I am self aware I do not have emotional connection with people. I choose to spend my time alone where I have control over my environment, as soon as that is challenged I don't know how to respond other than manipulation for empathy so that someone may help me. Again that connection with attention and the need for love. Again those who are self aware can live relatively normal lives. HOWEVER, in some if not most cases, mechanical or mathematically driven or calculated emotions and not real, so I wouldn't know how it could be cured. Peace✌️
@@jeffytodd4261 KJV Romans 11:14 “If by any means I may provoke to emulation them which are my flesh, and might save some of them.” Many people have been saved because someone prayed. I’m praying for them.
I’m am therapist and I love how you are breaking this down. What you’re explaining is the reason why I go backwards with clients to start. It helps to see all of the experiences in their lives that you are explaining which gives me insight into how to help a client grow past their trauma!
When I was a child and I hurt myself in a humiliating manner (fell off a trampoline into the mud at another person's house), I looked at the house and cried harder when I realised no one responded.
Zena Mason I don’t think Narcissism is cause by a sole event. I think it’s cause by continuous abuse throughout the whole childhood, also it’s cause how you react to it as an adult. If you take action to improve yourself or you bury urself down.
If you are researching why your partner is a narcissist I suggest running.. they will eat you alive. If you fall down this rabbit hole that they can be helped you will surely end up more broken. My narcissist played the “getting help” for 2 years. They have to want to get help and they are so egotistical they never do.
"your parents didn't love you" it was such a relief hearing those words. My first thought was thank goodness love isn't that messed-up manipulative guilt-inducing game
peri peri you can denounce the love from your parents as toxic/damaging without judging them as people, or demonizing them I understand your point tho just wanted to think about it a bit
Healing a narcissist - is it possible? Yes. Conditions: 1. Acknowledging, understanding and accepting CPTSD in its totality (advice: read "CPTSD from surviving to thriving" by Pete Walker). Approach the healing from this perspective. 2. Understand the four Fs (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) and how they develop from CHILDHOOD TRAUMA. Accept that NPD: - is codependency - post-traumatic protective stress-response to childhood trauma How to heal NPD: Treat it as though it was a CPTSD: 1. Treat the emotional disregulation (moodiness). All they are trying to do is regulate their emotions, specifically they don't want to feel SHAME. (The behaviour is SHAMELESS, it is to avoid deep seated feelings of shame, that come from emotional flashbacks). They attack, provoke, lie, are predatory, hurt you - in order to avoid abandonment terror, shame and sadness. (Grannon video: The CPTSD archetype of the sad baby) The sum of these emotional flashbacks is that one feels a specific combination of 4-5 emotions that shows up almost as a new personality. (E.g. being confident, energized, giddy, supper optimistic, really happy, joyful). A certain cluster of emotions creates a certain archetype. NPD shows up as a sad baby archetype: - needs others to give things to them - manipulative childhood behaviour, in order to recruit other people to do things for them Angry baby archetype: - crancky/rage/temper tantrum, when people don't want to help them - selfish - grumpy - vindictive - punitive Children go trough a phase of narcissim and selfishness. NPD never grows out of it. It's a response to trauma. As a consequence they leave their body (in their mind) and create a "false self" . They create a new reality, where their pain doe not matter, they become their own god and "help themselves" . 2. Deal with the inappropriate archetype, showing up. 3. Overcome the super-ego. (The part of you regulating your moral behaviour, telling you what is right or wrong). The child looks to the parent to get a feedback on wether sth is good/bad etc. An NPD is brought up by inconsistent/abusive parents. They then internalize an abusive/bad parent. And have an abusive super-ego. It goes up and down- that is why they are so emotionally unstable (moody). - highly poor ego-boundaries Abuse: - can be silent - being judgemental - being too strict - never saying to a child "well done!" NPD: - there is no ego, and no ego boundaries - only super-ego (vicious) When their super-ego attacks them, they have an outer critic. There were 2 separate injunctions that created NPD: - no ego, no ego boundaries - an extreme amount of being spoilt or all bad They need to be desperate to even start therapy.
How can spoiling be part of the cause of someone becoming NPD? Is that actually considered traumatic to be spoiled? On another note, a relative of mine was quite spoiled by one parent as a child. But also abused by the other. (I guess that would give her a very inconsistent message: one parent thinks she's perfect and can do now wrong, and the other expects perfection & she can do no right - so she he's doted on by one & beat on verbally, emotionally & physically by the other.) I can't tell if she is NPD or BPD. The traits can be so similar. Does anybody know the difference?
@@jessicaa.6690 I will try to give you my thought, which are just small bits of what you're asking: In terms of wether she is an NPD or a BPD: try to ask Elinor Greenberg, on Quora. She is an expert on these "adaptations" and has been for over 40 years. She has also written a book "Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety", where she also discusses the differences. As for spoiling: 1. Spoiling is a form of abuse, as far as i know. It is unhealthy and leaves you ill-prepared for life. I'd say it can be traumatic later on, when you face the real world, as a spoilt person, and have to realise (trauma) that the world is not what you thought it was.... 2. I once read a book about spoilt children and how to fix that. They were describing 5 way of spoiling, amongst them: being spoilt by being given everything or excessive attention, but also "being spoilt by neglect" ..... And they all lead to similar results: a spoilt child. I can copy and paste the synopsis either to a mail or a DM (but I am unaware of a DM-option within TH-cam). Otherwise, a screenshot is your only option, yes.
@@joannaRB honestly most of the videos are about how to destroy a narcissist persons happiness or their mentality which is basically torturing them because some people believe that they cant be changed even if they want to change etc
Yes I agree. I noticed that many videos are just hateful people encouraging revenge or spite towards Narcissists. Makes me wonder who is worse, the "nark" or the "hater". CEO's are next level so I have no opinion on that. To me they are more 'psychopath' than just a "nark".
I think that your video saved my life, thank you so so much Richard, I don't feel tormented anymore, I understand my problem and I believe that I can heal, thank you
This video made me burst to tears, because no video has ever discribed all my problems and my internal world so perfect. I am a girl recovering from NPD and this video made my my mom agree to help me in my recovery! I like your style of explaining a lot and thank you for uploading this free content, you are amazing! Greetings from Greece 🇬🇷
Greetings from a Greek in NYC. I was born in Sparti. How are you doing with this? Has it helped you? Congratulations on admitting you needed help and reaching for help. You are going to do well. Na èise kalá koritsáki mou.
I came across this content by chance and it really spoke to me and made it understandable so thank you. Ive been struggling with the question of am i codependant or on the narcissist spectrum. Guess either way the recovery is the same.... self parenting could be my answer. The pendulum metaphor really hit home and i liked your straight talking. Ill be checking out more of your stuff. My choices before seeing this were very bleak. I was really struggling with my inner self but now i have hope and a direction to investigate. Thank you
❤ just don’t give up therapy (if the therapist is good) (been there, done that). The shame is the worst thing ever in narcissism. Try also EMDR, it’s the best CPTSD treatment. Take care. We are special people-even though there is a bit of narcissism in the affirmation. 🫶🤗. One of the best..thank you Richard for creating this channel and sharing it with the world. 🙏❤
I really don't care about PhDs, you are ON TO SOMETHING here. Out of all people I've listened to about this subject, you have been the most helpful by far. And there are so many points in this video that make me think about these dynamics differently. And isn't it interesting how society in general teaches you to think about ego in a very incorrect way? :/
What he says is building on stuff PHD's have discovered: the whole thing how CPTSD and how trauma in childhood forms etc explains personality disorders so much better than previously understood, it comes from people like Bessel van der Kolk (read the Body Keeps the Score or listen to his lecture on TH-cam). I'd like to Richard to attribute these pioneers of trauma research and not just TH-cam celebs like Vaknin (who does has original and insightful points about malignant narcissism yeah). The stuff Richard here says is good synthesis of what therapists who also do academic researcher have found in past few decades. It makes sense that personality disorders are combined to one in ICD-11 and then describing what facets is has, as people can with little different environments portray stuff that was previously understood as totally different disorders (histrionic, borderline, antisocial) when they in fact have a lot of in common. Van der Kolk and others even seem to think a lot of psychiatric diagnoses will be replased more accurately with CPTSD, not limited to personality disorders.
This guy is just amazing. He gave me some Hope. My ex hurt me so much but i dont want him to suffer cause he is a victim too. We have two young children i need to fix him for them.
i suffer from NPD. i first came across it (and other B-cluster personality types) in my 30s and spoke to a number of professionals about it, as such i've been clinically diagnosed 3 times, independently. since confirming this disorder, i've attempted to counter it and the damage it can cause as much as possible. this is honestly the first piece online that i've found where i felt like i wasn't being demonised. it's of extreme value for narcissists to see that there are people out there prepared to help, rather than 'survive' them and gain distance. thank you for this insight.
I want nothing more than to help my narc ex. He did things that forced me to choose between my love for myself and my love for him... and since I can't love him without loving myself (love for others is excess self love spilling out of its container), I chose to save myself. In doing so, I still love him. Had I stayed, I would've been codependent, which is abuse of the narcissist, not love for him. So tragically, the very thing that would keep us together - my love - keeps us apart because of what he did. But apart I will love him for eternity, just as he is, but hoping and praying he becomes the beautiful soul I see trapped within, waiting to be set free and come alive.
Didn't you treat others badly for how many years, why its your right to treat people horribly and people can't demonize you ? 0 sympathy for you guys, go work on yourselves, and stop getting the sympathy and the care from others
He did work on himself, that is why he takes time to help others heal, he was a victim of NPD too, he knows how hard it is to recover, but is willing to train people how to live themselves again..Maybe you were not willing to recognize ,it has effected his self, look up ACES too high on line, it tells the outcome ...if you do not take the time to heal.
He was co dependant, not na-r cisisst, he did not hurt anyone, co -dependants hurt their own self, with self-doubt that was coerced in them by the NPD.
I don’t know who you are but you have saved me. I’m 25 years old and I realized that I can be a normal person. I have time to heal, to make peace with myself, to get back on track with my life and go out. A normal life, with bads and goods. Thank you.
When you were talking about the praise/appreciation bit and the "well done" bit, I damn nearly burst into tears. Nothing was ever good enough for my folks. My grades in school were well above average, but that wasn't good enough. Any and all accomplishments were diminished and disregarded, whereas any failures were absolutely blown out of proportion. Nowadays, ijust hurts so much. I have had so many people tell me I have so much potential. I never could develop it. It's like, I get an impulse to do something, to create or to express myself, but it automatically gets suppressed, because I feel like it won't matter to anyone other than me if what I do is good or bad. It hurts so much that I had to pause the video and by this point, I am sobbing and crying. 31m, trying to survive and heal in a world that feels utterly indifferent to my wanta and needs.
@@RICHARDGRANNON I feel exactly the same way. This video may have actually changed my life. I sat through through this 1 hour video like a freaking uni lecture, hahaha. Thanks for the efforts you've put into making this.
This video really helped me understand how I got out of narcicissm on my own and it was studying success philosophies. I took me 10 years or reading books and learning on my own to develop a healthy ego. I still at times become narcissistic but I'm retaining my empathy really well. Personal development on the mind is what keeps my mind healthy after being abused for so many years.
When I started looking to heal my own narcissistic tendencies I was saddened to find there is so much HATE for the abused child grown up, and NOTHING on healing those who SUFFER from npd. Thank you for what u do. It really means a lot Update: It's been 4 years since my original post. I've since adopted spirituality. Osho, Sadhguru, and Eckhardt Tolle are good places to start. All the solutions are there for you and your loved ones. Good luck on your healing. God bless us all🙏🏾
Eleazer Collins There is ‘hate’ because they immensely abuse people who have done nothing wrong and in most cases give a lot of energy, patience and love in order to help.... these people in most cases don’t know why they get abused, assaulted, smears and wrongly accused of the most awful things so please excuse BPD victims for been angry! Let’s just be realistic here and not put the NPD on an abuse pedestal for being more of a victim than the people they abuse ;-)
@@ReformedWhiteKnight I'm making no excuses or comparisons. I understand where abuse victims are coming from and why they feel so strongly, but I can't agree with exercising hate against the npd anymore than I can agree with the npd doing what they do. What I'm saying is until we recognize that babies are all victims and essentially molded by their environment, we'll still blame people and not the systems that created them. Only once we recognize the situation for what it truly is can we being to make real, lasting changes.
@@mweusimrembo890 hard to say. I don't have an official diagnosis. But I am aware now! It helps me understand myself and not react as much to "disrespect".
I'm 6 minutes into this video and I'm already crying. I finally feel like someone understands me, why I do the things I do. It took me so long to admit that I was narcissistic only to be confronted with mountains of people saying "narcissists can't change" or "narcissists are one step short of psychopaths" or things like that. I felt hopeless; like my options were either stay a narcissist and hurt others or recognise my faults and hate myself with no hope of healing. Thank you for recognising that narcissism develops from abuse, that we aren't heartless monsters, and thank you especially for giving me hope of change and recovery.
That's interesting to hear this. My brother is a covert narcissist, he has hit rock bottom, but I can see that if he saw this video he might feel offended because he is so sensitive. Do you have any advice for what my family can do to help him? He lacks awareness of his own narcissism so much and in fact calls other people narcissists, so he has an awareness of what it is (roughly), but his narcissism is so deep that he can't see that he has it himself. His level of hypocrisy is honestly beyond insane that it's hard not to feel hopeless. I just can't imagine my brother making the same comment you made, it's hard to believe you are a narcissist because a narcissist wouldn't think they are a narcissist, how did you come to that realisation? Was it on your own? Were you forced to? Did you have to? And if possible do you have any recommendations about how a covert narcissist can at least become aware they are one but at the same time do that in a sensitive way so they can accept it in a way which isn't too painful? Also how painful was it for you to accept you were a narcissist? And are you covert or malignant/grandiose? Also my brother suffers from depression, anxiety etc, which makes him act out more in my opinion, makes his harmful behaviour worse, is that something you have also experienced? Sorry for so many questions, I'm just desperate, my mother had a heart attack because of all the stress, we need to help him somehow, we need to help him find a way to help himself but he won't. He just continues blaming. It's very sad.
It's unfortunate you didn't get a response for your questions. I'm sorry for all the struggles you're having to deal with. I have a friend that is a covert narcissist & have been searching for the answers to many of the questions you've asked. I have to ask have you've found any helpful ways to try & get your brother to become aware? Or have any advice for me on things I could try (or things I should definitely avoid trying)
@@Freddie1MHi Freddie, Sorry to hear this for you. I’m pretty much in the same boat as you, only it’s my sister who was diagnosed with NPD & Bipolar 2 back in 2017. I have no answers for you; unfortunately me and my family are as lost as you are with how to help. I have watched hundreds of hours on TH-cam about narcissism, and haven’t come across any way to help a narcissist see themselves and recognize their problems.
Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it. No I haven't found a way to make him self aware, the problem is if I confront him and explain to him how he is a covert narcissist I am 99.99% sure he will deny it. That denial I believe will just make the situation worse because it will probably lead to more projection and he'd become worse and even start calling me a narcissist which I would find unbearable because he's the one doing all the abuse and I've spent years of my life bearing this pain, sacrificing friendships, job opportunities etc. About your friend who is a covert narcissist, I'm curious how you came to this realisation? Having been subject to my brother's abuse for so long it's hard to be friends with him, I want to help him, but I don't think I can ever be good friends with him because he's too abusive and I'd never be able to trust him again until I'm 100% sure he's cured and to my knowledge it is an incurable disorder. I am curious why you remain friends with him knowing that he is abusive to other people, it's a very brave and commendable thing for you to do because you could walk away (I assume). I can't think of a great analogy but to me it's close to choosing to remain friends with a murderer, I know this probably sounds like an exaggeration, but it's not, my mother nearly died because of all the stress he caused her, I'm having stress related health problems myself which have most likely significantly shortened my life. My mother is still subject to all this stress and my brother continues to abuse her knowing full well that stress was almost undoubtedly the main cause of her heart attack. My mother keeps telling him that this stress is going to give her another heart attack but he continues to be abusive and blame her for his own failures. Do you know what kind of abuse your friend does to close family around him? Does he ever abuse you? My brother doesn't abuse his friends because he knows he can't get away with it. @@danp1471
@Freddie1M TLDR Its a female I crushed hard for & only really been communicating with regularly for 6 months. She lives 3+hours away so I only know of her abuse towards me. I came to the realization by the amount of boxes she checked after I eventually stumbled across vulnerable Narcissist when searching for answers.* Well for starters it's a female friend that I crushed hard for. I've known her for several years but would only see/talk to each other a handful of times a year. She seemed like a nice beautiful girl, but I always noticed a sense of entitlement about her. It wasn't til a few months back that she reached out & we clicked. She made me feel desired & understood. She told me she was diagnosed with systematic scleroderma & it has been causing many problems, preventing her from working & whatnot. The first few weeks went great. I'm a introvert with a kind heart, not much family & my circle of friends is small. She gave me her sob story talking about how all the people before me bailed on her. I ate up the attention she gave me & became bonded to her rather quickly. It wasn't long however before things started to feel off. She didn't seem to be nearly as grateful as one would expect in her situation given the way I was treating her. She seemed very hit or miss in her efforts despite me giving my all. (Considering she was supposedly 'all alone with no one' that just didn't sit right with me.) She seemingly did a 180 out of nowhere at one point. Essentially hitting me with the silent treatment. What was it for? I have no idea. I did nothing but love & look out for her. She came back around acted all lovingly & then she dipped again. Like wtf? That's when I started googling questions & it didn't take long to land on vulnerable Narcissist. The more I read on it, the more boxes were being checked. I believe she has scleroderma because it lines up with what I've noticed about her from over the years when I met her previously. Conviently though thats a disease which conditions can vary a bit from patient to patient. So I'm forced to go off with how she paints the picture. She did have to go to the hospital for at least a few days, but seemed like she was playing it up a bit too much. I even made a loving post essentially dedicated to her wearing the "my fight is her fight" gear, sharing her story of being diagnosed with systematic scleroderma. You know the type of post you make to spread awareness about something & you're practically begging everyone reading it to share it? Well she actually replied to it asking if she could share it. Like what? That's the entire F'in purpose of it & it was being done for her. I essentially did a retelling of her story. Like who would ask that? [Sorry I almost forgot about that one. At the time that whole thing just blew my mind.] One thing I do believe her on is she's living without family members & is renting out one room of her house to a ex-coworker she rarely sees. I haven't been close enough to her to know how she treats her family. I know she has a son about to start college that she appears close to that we talked about a bit. I met him several times in the past previously when he traveled with her. She puts on the display of loving him dearly. That could be part of her image because I'd consider him the golden child. She doesn't have many accomplishments from what I've seen, so she boasts of him & seems to use him to get a good bit of her attention. She's only open about certain things. Pretty much solely focused on the struggles she's had. I only know what she tells me, & there's not many ways I could truly verify what she does share. It's impossible to know how many lies she may have told me. Why do I stick around? I guess it's because I feel I've invested a lot into her financially & emotionally. I made a vow not to bail on her & a personal commitment that I was going to be the person to show her there is someone that would always have her back. I don't like giving up on people without giving my best effort. There's always a spectrum so it has been me trying to guage if she has narcissistic tendencies or if she's just gone where theres no hope. I've also never dealt with someone I considered a legit narcissist & have spent the past couple months trying to come to terms with the fact people like this not only exist, but that they will never change. I'm a fixer by nature so it's hard to just accept that. Although at this current point I suppose the only question that should matter is how she makes me feel. Some days great other days awful. I've been pulling back since I first made my comment to you because the good days have been fewer & farther between. The anxiousness, trust issues, confusion, & stress she can bring out in me simply isn't worth it. If anything I'm usually too trusting of others so it's not me being overly paranoid. She lives a good 3 hours away so I haven't visited her. I offered to go on my one day off to help out once. Her simple 3 word reply of "come on over" (followed by silence the rest of the day) as if she's just a few blocks away irritated me. I mean if she's alone, can't get around well from her condition, & has no vehichle (all of which she claimed) I would have been estatic someone offered to do that. She knows damn well I live on the other side of the state. The reason I wanted to visit though was to one see if her condition is as bad as she makes it out to be & secondly to get a better sense of how she reacts if I start pushing her buttons. I wanted to know if she was going to be worth my effort. The fact I didn't even feel she was worth the drive to find that part out kind of told me all I needed to know. Respect to anyone who read all this. Sorry for the length. [I'm very sorry to hear about your mother & all the stress you & the rest of your family is forced to deal with. I'm almost losing my mind dealing with someone who lives 3 hours from me & my experience pales in comparison to yours. So I can only imagine the turmoil you've been forced to deal with your entire life. I wish you & your family the very best.]
I can't believe how well you analyzed the narcissist. Thank you! For many years I have been doing therapy that is supposed to help me deal with phases of depression. Now I have realized myself that I am a vulnerable narcissist. I understand why I have this hole in my soul. And it hurts so much. It's a shame it took so many years to develop this knowledge. And I think it's a shame that my therapist didn't have the interest or ability to guide me on this trail ... Now I'm looking for the quickest way out of the situation because I want to be a good mother.
Richard you're right. Me ex is hugely Moody. She does experience every human emotions. You're in the right path. I wish with all my heart they could be freed.
Vete happy for this. I was getting fed up with other videos and their negative connotations of this disorder because it affected the people I wanted to help with this disorder! I thought “ why would we want to stigmatize the problem we’re trying to fix?”
thank you sir I am a full blown narcissist, I understood every second, I used to be such ah happy person but I had people trying to crush me, while at the same time my mom helping me be confident, it destroyed my personality and my ego, but I think I'm smart enough now to do this treatment myself ( spoken like a true narcissist) but I'm glad I realized the root of my issues and I will come out a better person eventually thank you :)
All too relatable my man. It’s one thing to admit being a narcissist but to seek treatment is a beast in and of itself. Don’t ever give up. That happiness isn’t gone forever.
@@kanemclaren5991 Jesus Christ became my patental guidance he talked about, in order to heal. Im still healing but its been a good ten years of slow but steady progress. Best of luck and God bless!
@@Fistfury42 thanks for responding. Agreed. Spiritual revelation and practice seems to be one of the very few remedies and solutions. As they say “be careful what you wish for” Well I prayed, meditated and asked to be shown the cause of my suffering and the suffering I cause others and bam! found my way to HG Tudor. Incredible (and to be honest, a bit relieving) to finally be able to comprehend and unpack this mysterious box of maladaptive behaviour. I wish you well on your Journey✌🏼
literally started to cry when you said "you're just a person" you're right. when the shit hits the fan I go to a very very dark place thinking every act I have ever done is horrid and beat myself up about everything. even the good by saying you've only done it because it serves you. when I feel a bit better in myself I then berate myself thinking of gone back into the narcissism and it feels like a vicious cycle which is very familiar for me.
Thank you. It's like someone flipped the light switch on for me and made sense of my 57 years of this life time of mine. It's taken a lot of work, lifr choices, religions, therapies, reading watching you and others so that now...it's coming together in my senses all at once. Whew...I need to sit quiet here for a while and marinate and watch this again. 🙇♀️
Thank God for people like you Now I can stop watching your videos It's a little late now after 33 years Of living with my spouse with 3 children 2 adults and one teenager and now I'm single And looking for answers of what happened in my relationship I never realized what I was doing to my family Now I really have to change watching your videos is going to be a great help in my life Thank you so much
Having grown up in a narcissistic, psychopathic and predatory environment this teaching is gold to me. 💜Magnificent. I agree on all points. So powerful, helpful and well done. Love your style of teaching and that you share your invaluable knowledge with humor.
I've cried so much while watching this video. It sucks so much to be a broken person and not knowing what to do with yourself (most of the videos are only about how to notice and avoid narcissists, not how to fix them). I never wanted to be such a broken person, for my whole life I thought that I was normal or at least slightly weird, I'm so tired of myself and my empty life where every single person I cherish leaves me sooner or later (not talking about lovers, it's friends, coworkers, good acquaintances and even some relatives, even though I was trying to give back, even if in a mechanical-not-loving-way, because I have no idea what a normal person feels and how). Thank you very much for this video. It's easier to live with a thought there's a chance to cure self, even when it has a lot of "if"s and chances are slim. It's a bit sad that this vid is from 4 years ago and the majority of the recent videos are mostly about how to torture or beat narcissists.
Hey, I too had narcissitic - anti social behaviours, I was looking for a role model whom I could look up to, objective morality ( the main issue of narcissism is calling good as evil and evil as good). I found Christ. Started following him. He is tuning me to be social even if threatened with death.He is a great God. Just think if everyone decides to have their way in what they want the world will go down. In biblical terms, Narcissist steal good fruits such as love. Joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self control, goodness and faithfulness. I guess you have the passion to be a good person and you have not hardened your heart, so there is still light in you. Repent and surrender to the Almighty God. Seek his help. Do not worry about your past sins, you can start as a new creature after he forgives you.He sends his holy spirit to help us mature in the Lord. Commit yourself to get rid of your evil ways. May the lord be with you.
@@juliegeorge6227 I'm not ready to turn to the God just yet. It'd feel like bargaining (I give you my following, you give me X ), I don't feel anything and mechanical visiting of church without any feelings doesn't seem right. It'd be a play-pretend at best, since you cannot just flip a switch of feel/not feel or believe/not believe. If I'm destined to come to the God, it'll happen naturally in due time. Thank you for your kind reply.
Thank you!! I didn’t quite understand how I was being a Narcissist or why. This video had a lot of great points. You basically described me. I had a dismissive father and my mom constantly told me I was the best and couldn’t do anything wrong. My relationship with my mom was transactional and I avoided my dad because nothing I ever did was right or good enough. 🤯 This video gave me a perspective that I may be able to work from, thank you!!
@@robinrevell5873 Oh dear! Exactly the same here! I am 54 and still my mother critizes that I have a Master in Biology. "You never knew where your place was." Her words. I never understood why I have parents who always wanted me small, unsuccessful, poor and stupid. Why the worst crap was still too good for me. Now I understand. They are both narcs who made my life miserable.
@@d.williams6783 Oh my, that was exactly the phrase in my family as well. For me it wasn't just my mom that kept pushing me back down but two much older sisters, that were more functionally like close aunts than sisters, as well... it was a real theme in our family.
Explains perfectly why my narc ex started getting the same probs she formerly had with me only now with our kids once they got to a "better" secondary school than she visited. 🙄
This is one of the clearest and actually, most compassionate descriptions of NPD I have come across. I work as a counsellor with, more specifically, women who struggle with codependency issues. They are often participants in online communities that demonise NPD, and have very split reactions to their "Narcs". Obviously relationship with NPD is painful and dangerous, but serves sometimes to deflect the attention from the cleints' own issues. Your description of point 5 is exactly the work I find myself doing with my clients- externalising the superego and building the ego through exploring philosophy and values. Also with myself! Thank you for sharing this.
@EmmaHarrop I totally get that. I remember being in a heated conversation with my mother and I blurted out, that for just once, she could tell me she was proud of me. She got quiet, looked into my eyes and said “but I am not”. I cut ties with her in 2008.
@@MsTygame Wow, she really laid her cards on the table there didn't she. I am proud of you for surviving being raised by someone so cold. You will do the opposite with your own family.
@@elharrop cold is the best description for her. I remember her crying one time during my entire childhood. Because she saw crying as weakness, she drilled that into me. I was scolded and usually punished for it. I am 48 years old and I have difficulty crying to this day. When you said you didn’t realize that you didn’t realize that wasn’t normal- I didn’t either. I was at my friend’s house and I blurted out that my mother would often say she wishes she never had me. The horror in everyone’s eyes were unforgettable. Luckily I spent most of my weekends with my best friend’s family and I was able to see normal functioning family dynamics and the unconditional love between mother and child.
@@MsTygame You didn't deserve any of that but it will probably help to see her as wounded rather than inherently evil. You have broken the cycle of generational abuse by choosing to heal rather than to harm, you are making the world a better place with your empathy and awareness
I always come back to this video and a few others when I’m slipping. I have high narcissistic traits but didn’t realise it until my relationship ended after almost 8 years and a LOT of fights. Working with my therapist I finally started to see the light. I can see what caused my traits, what has been keeping them there (strangely thought I got this from my dad but I’m 99% sure this is my mum now) I’m also seeing how my ex ended up codependent with borderline traits, highly narcissistic mother who is constantly competing with her, treats her like a friend and isn’t emotionally there for her. I really beat myself up for months and months thinking I was a terrible human and had no hope, I do think I have made massive strides towards improving and feel a lot more connected to other people. I see how when I reached out to family members when I was struggling they were actually keeping me where I was and as my therapist says “you’ll never heal that wound asking for it from your parents because they couldn’t do it the first time” I’ve felt constant guilt throughout my life and when I started to improve each time I ended up running back to the family. I felt I owed them a debt, for being anxious and ill, I’ve had money taken from me when I wasn’t earning myself but as my dad said “you said this was my wage so I want paying” even though brexit had happened, he wasn’t working any hours and I wasn’t even taking a salary from my business at that time. I was often told “if it wasn’t for you we would be off doing other things and happy” and when I confronted my parents and said I needed you when I was a kid, I was shit scared, crying, anxious and you just threatened me and drove me to the middle of nowhere and threatened to abandon me if I didn’t stop crying and go to bed. It didn’t dawn on me some of the abuse that happened when I was a kid until about 8 years into therapy, I just thought I was a bad kid and a burden. Anyone suffering on the cptsd spectrum hold tight and try to unravel all of the stuff that you went through as a kid, I didn’t even realise it was wrong. Only as I stepped back I saw how enmeshed and unhealthy my family was and for 38 years I thought I caused it. Keep up the good work Danny (recovering narcissist )
Wooow that sooo courageous of uuuu,,,, how u got convinced that’s there is something wrong with u and u need therapy,,, usually nars dont ever admit it nor see it 😢
Hi Danny. I can relate a lot with your past childhood. Although never physically abandoned in a place or asked to go to bed, there was a hum of “if you don’t do..., this will happen”. I think I cowered most of my school days and only in college when I got a little more freedom to be myself. Hope you’re doing well in therapy. Not sure when I’ll ever start mine.
Omg I'm only 6 minutes in but so far a resounding yes. Since I started reading "From Surviving to Thriving" I felt that my former partner has CPTSD and his narcissist tendencies stemmed from his childhood trauma. My lack of self-love also comes from my own trauma. We are mirrors for one another's mental health issues. I cannot wait to listen to the rest. Thank you!
Strangely, my ex called me today from a different phone number and asked "do you think we could start talking again"? That is something a teenager would say in my opinion. When I told him NO, he hung up on me. He is 38 years old and this tells me he is never going to grow up or change. You have helped me so much figuring out what the heck was wrong with this man I fell in love with and the healing process from a narcissist relationshit!
Thank you for this video. It was brilliant as was the last one on co dependency. Hats off to you , I can see the sincerity in you of wanting to help people. May you always be happy and at peace
"Nobody coming" hit hard. I have been diagnosed with CPTSD but I am having to be honest with everyone including myself that I am a narc. I need to be held accountable and cannot act out as a baby. THANK YOU for offering this information to help heal narcs and to stop further hurt towards their victims.
How can you label a person who has CPTSD BE A NARCISSIST?? They are simply wanting to heal in the place of non stop gaslighting and abuse. I walked away.. to heal and I have compassion towards them and I will no longer be a sacrificial lamb for their alter
@Flyfreenow I got assessed by a psychiatrist and in the end they said I had autism and cptsd. They said I don't have narcissistic personality disorder. The ego centric part of autism had me thinking I was a a hole
The father of my child I’m pretty sure has NPD. He displays all of the characteristics. I have to repeatedly lay down my boundaries with his parents to protect myself and him all the time. I know it 100% came from his parents. So when he gets a certain way with me I verbally and respectfully repeat my boundaries to him the same way I do with his parents, and I tell him to go somewhere else to calm down. That I’m not going anywhere, or abandoning him but that I will stay in a separate room until he calms down. Even if it takes days. He knows he is not allowed to treat me the way he wants to when he flips and gets the way he does sometimes. It’s been pretty hard but successful so far. Many less run ins and flip outs from him.
This has been the most insightful video about psychology I have recently seen. Just by not framing a Narcissist as essentially a bad person who needs to be "gray stoned" or ignored/avoided like other experts say, but someone who needs help somehow from the bottom. Not implying that it will work, but everything starts with basic understanding of the other/self then we build up. Like a comment I saw below, came here to discover more about my partner when, in reality, I learned way more about myself. Plus, a personal confirmation (insight) that philosophy may be the essence of life.
Please, let us know how you went back and paid a price because of this video which appeals to the broken hearts of those on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse.
This is by far the best video I have seen on this subject. I always felt sorry for my narc when he was at his worst. He wears his childhood wounds on his sleeve and doesn't even know it. I wish happiness and healing for him
Thanks for this video, I was diagnosed with narcissism some days ago so I've been looking for information about, and this video truly opened my eyes about this condition, also the last part was amazing, it's really not our desire to hurt others, it's just incidental, so it's time to stop all the shit that other videos and experts talk about us, and better try to find solutions for us and you are the only person in all TH-cam that really brings an explanation that make sense and also show a path to find a solution that is actually posible to follow, I'm so thankful with you, from the bottom of my heart for this video, and I'm really committed to heal from this condition and really begin to have a real life experience, not the bizarre interpretations of my unregulated super ego.
I've been experiencing a jealous attack from a supervisor at my job do to me persuing, only the idea, I shared with him, of a possible management position. After not understanding his, way overly, cruel and hurtful actions & words towards me, I researched possible reasons for these, unrealistic to me, actions & everything pointed to narcissism along with his hate for his parents & childhood. You are the first TH-camr to address this issue like a good, decent human being who loves & wants to help others. I have not yet attempted to utilize your, angelic like hypothesis, but I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for trying help others to help & possibly save people's lives. 👍😎👍
Babies always look to adults to see if they should cry! That's so true. It's a challenge, but if the parent can chill even if an injury LOOKS bad, often it's not and the kid is fine. 😄
I realized today that I am a covert narcissist. And thanks to this video, I also realized that I have already, in a way, started my journey to healing. I cannot describe how it feels like to finally understand why you have been hurting all your life. My pendulum has been swinging so violently from one side to the other that even I myself haven´t been able to keep up with it. I don´t know if I can ever really recover, but I sure as hell will try my all. I am sick and tired of hurting myself and others over and over again.
Remember When you talk to a narcissist your not communicating with the everyday person. You are communicating to their super ego. Don't treat them like a normal person.
Or a person at all, after all the word “humanity” describes more than the word “ human”…narcs qualify for “human” biologically but “humanity” is something they will never have “ 1 : compassionate, sympathetic, or generous behavior or disposition : the quality or state of being humane” because they have no empathy and see themselves not as one of other humans but rather apart from, better than, godlike etc. They may as well be an alien or an intelligent trained animal waiting together someone alone to eat them because it makes them feel much more godlike. Well I hope the evil alien mothership comes for them soon because they aren’t human. A small part of them used to be, maybe a small scared, shriveled barely alive 5% of them that’s kept locked deep down….that part is horrific and sad. I mortified my family x once and it was the saddest 10 minutes of witnessing this remaining bit of humanity. It wanted to die and I wanted it for her…then the narc recovered and took everything I loved and had worked for, the people I loved most, my innocence and ignorance. Fuck em
I'm so grateful that someone is looking at a narcissist from a place of compassion instead of all the others videos that just condemn them I am a narcissist in recovery and it's hard to find help like this.
So glad you are making accessible what Institutions of Psychology hold as too mysterious and precious to be shared with the ordinary consumer. Based on your discussion of ego parts, I highly recommend Richard Schwartz's Internal Family Systems Therapy which identifies and integrates different parts of self. Would love your take on it. From a U.S. therapist in the trenches.
Hi Susan, when it comes to psychology I’m very much for the redistribution of (intellectual) wealth. Many have recommended him over the years and the snippets I’ve seen look great, if I get time I’ll look into it. Well done for hanging in there. Your services will certainly be needed in the next few years we face!
Now my favorite You tube video ever. It explains this better than anyone ever has to me. Takes away the anger, mine and helps me see what I felt in him all along.
I really appreciate the effort and thought that you put into this. In the first minutes of watching it I began to cry because I see myself on what you are describing. I know that I became a narcissist because I noticed this attitude from other people and I searched it before. I've been so cruel to other people, I notice myself doing it but I can't stop doing it for the past few months. I feel satisfied doing it and I feel that people don't deserve anything from me or in life. I get mad when they don't do what I wanted them to do, I will give them a cold shoulders. Always pointing fingers and never will be wrong. I love seeing people leaving no choice but to agree with me. I push them into their limits to get what I want. I see them as lower than I am and I put them down. I listen to respond. I get mad when being corrected because I feel that I am always right. I reflected it just today and I realize that I got this from constantly feeling that nobody appreciate for the things I do and no body helps me to do it. They're just watching me do it by myself. Especially my parents they give more thanks to my brother more than to me when in fact I did more chores in the house. I feel like nobody really understands me. I became agressive towards them. I tried to stop it but when if remember all the hurt that I once felt I can't stop myself from acting like it. Nevertheless, I just really want to say thank you for doing this kind of video just for free. You save someone's life by doing it. I'm glad that I found this. More power to you and your channel.
If you want to attempt healing get the book that he mentions (C-PTSD Surviving Through Thriving). It sounds like you have two very harsh critics (your “inner” and “outer” critics). You can learn to shrink these critics using the anger you were never allowed to express as a child, thought-stopping techniques, and grief work. You’re stuck in a critic-loop scenario. Your harsh inner critic causes you to strive for perfection, and because of this you resent those who don’t do this. Your outer critic is trying to save you from the dangerous feeling of socializing; your inner critic tells you how inadequate you are to socialize with people in the first place, which then causes the outer critic to remind you how horrible people are for causing you to feel so inadequate (when really it’s not others causing you to feel this way, it is coming from your outer critic). From you! But you blame others. This is why/how narcissists project their negative feelings on to others.
i feel i am the scape goat in my family . .I also like you have been co dependant , and had a string of bad relationships . God bless you for helping people it is so great to see a genuine person who is not appearing on you tube for his own ego
Love you Richard! I will never forget your buddy Sam Vaknin speaking of his early days of sadistic abuse at home - trying to make sense of it all attending University just a little child being put on the pe-dest'-al ....( what a total mind bender; I can not even imagine the pain & confusion) - Hell is for Children - and you're help in healing these traumas is more than this world can ever ask for. And we thank you!
You are the FIRST ever to speak the truth about what I have struggled to understand about being overweight as a form of protection (as in repulsive) from unwanted attention for my physical body. Only today have I begun to have some sense of resignation that it is some form of "disordered" good (paradoxical/oxymoronic) state. At my age and my state of physical decline I have not given up, but I am given out (exhausted) in the unrelenting struggle which is been so many times proven to beyond my ways and means. Again and again, thank you and the gift you are and the gifts you are give which you give to us!!!
Jeanne I ve directly increases my weight after a sexual assault 18nonths ago. I knew in the bk of my mind I was doing it on some subconscious level, as for the same reasoning (unwanted attention socially. Mine was in shops, streets, etc) I would pick my skin or try to look awful in some manner of ways. I imagine it must have been hellish not knowing why we do these things to cover or hide our vulnerability until we feel better. Or acclimatise. Well done. I ve still got 2 dress sizes to drop. Just looks worse because I'm short lol. Take care and we'll done. ✌️❤️💪🙏🏴
If u havent, give clean keto a go Takes 2 months of hell, but so worth it. Once i was fully adapted, i was nvr hungry n yet i started worrying about how fast i was losin weight! I was on the diet for medical reasons, paleoketo with AIP principles. I just started it again For me iv hidden myself n made myself unappealing baggy scruffy clothes hair no makeup masculine etc as well as picked my skin. Fullon self neglect xD That too has had its long term consequences I wont regrow my teeth xD
Yes, I did this too & also food seems to be the thing that made me feel good whilst eating. Now, at 52 went on Keto & fasting & it feels good. Such a shame, I wish I knew about it when I was younger.
I had the same experience being overweight makes u look formidable and unappealing and is a form of protection. Oprah had an episode years ago about how more than 50% of abused children become overwt and obese adults. It has to do with the vagal inervation around mouth, the act of eating calms through the vagus, hence the subsequent drama in life. god bless you stay strong.
In my family, the narcissists have a severe fear of abandonment, and accuse people of being and doing what they hate about themselves, and shame is a big theme with them.
Sometimes, its like music to listen to you Richard! This is such a video! Great once again, and so good to listen to. Ive met a lot of grownup "sad babys", really spoiled to have it their controlled ways, only, some parts of my life ;) Got very tired on that. Co-deps and Narcs have had same sort of childhood wounds, but took it differently. Its very clear, from all your vids. Great to listen, to someone, not so squared into one view only. Thanks
I learned much later in life babies actually recognized facial expressions very early. Will always try to make mum and da feel better. Even joining their hands together to unite them. Babies are just pure love and know instinctively what it should not only appear to be, but the vibe/body language and also facial expressions even on the micro scale
Honestly this was the most insightful helpful thing I've ever heard regarding my issues. As someone progressing through my cptsd/npd your insights on developing the ego are right on track with the therapy and self reflection I've been doing.
I've lived with the narcissistic behavior of my mate for 13 yrs and I totally agree with you. It's so difficult! Thank you for sharing. Your helping me to break through the brick wall of victimization. There's so much gas lighting going on, it's sometimes hard to grasp. 👍 🌼
Richard, I am so grateful for discovering your work, it is a real gem for me. I was missing the "Part 3" in my awakening/healing journey so hard. Now everything has so much sense and logic. You have opened my eyes. Be more confident with your work, you are doing it really great. God bless you! To everybody: Do not underestimate the power of the clear intention of someone to conscious/heal/grow.
Hey Alex. I'm from the Netherlands. Sorry for my bad English.. I hope you understand me. Buth do I understand it right that you are/were a narcist? And are you healed because of this video or something? Or am wrong?
I'm 58 years old and have realized for the first time in my adult life that I have NPD. Someone recently told me I was narcissistic and of course anger kicked in, so I researched and yes , I am narcissistic. I cried and thought...is there a cure, what causes this and I've got to overcome this. Seeing this video has made me realize that growing up my siblings and I felt like burdens to our parents, and I realize this is why I long for flattery and attention, especially from my husband. I've always had low self esteem, and battled depression, moodiness and anger issues. I'm going to continue watching your videos and do some serious soul searching to overcome this yoyo of an existence. Thank you Richard.
As always Richard gives the most accurate, clearest and fairest explanations. We are in an age where we have access to information and can really start to learn and understand just what is going on for a lot of people and why. Thank goodness we can rely on an authentic source here.
I have C-PTSD from having a narcissistic mother, and I have emotional flashbacks, that manifest as somatic pain, and I've had two episodes of dissociation, all of this was from information from my counselling sessions, that made me aware of what was happening, I was completely disconnected from my inner child, as I was never allowed to show any emotions, if I did I would be physically and mentally punished for doing so, so I pushed all of my emotions deep down inside myself, which then physically hurt myself instead, and they came back out as physical pain, somatic pain, so I had to learn my emotions, what each of them are as an adult, which was extremely difficult, but I have nearly completed all of that work. And in regards to right and wrong, when I was a very small child, I made the decision that whatever she did was wrong, then the opposite of that must be correct, and that's how I survived when I was a child.
Disinterested Mother that demanded to be called Dorothy and Father who confided in me at a young age that he didn't know how to deal with her, and then love was only about performance in anything, to the point that when I asked my sister in law she said I was a 'solutionist'. Now I have retired that doesn't work, as that expression of Love has no meaning to my very real wife. Thank you for this year's work which I take on. DP
This is a rare video that I need. I am a narcissist and I wanted to change my personality and behavior. Thank you for taking the time in making this video
I love how you didn't apologise for things that aren't your responsibility. I find it so confusing and uncomfortable when people do that, and it's a breath of fresh air for you to be straightforward, thank you
phenomenal, amazing, I now understand so much more about the ex and his behaviours. This is also so sad for the narcs, I didn't expect to feel sympathy but I do, whilst still being relieved I escaped :D
This is the most refreshing video on narcissism I've ever seen. My life has become hell and I'm starting to realize it may be because of narcissism that I couldn't call narcissism (& embrace it enough to really dig into healing). I couldn't believe I am too much of a narcissist because I do very much have emotions and care about others and so many "experts" claim narcissists don't have those. There's also not much talk about narcissist recovery. It's damning and shaming. Tragically self fulfilling prophecy. Really, all I need is someone to explain how to recover. I have a counselor, so I can get at least that outside viewpoint from someone who is trained. Getting help and encouragement that it's possible is a huge deal. I don't want to give up or feel powerless anymore. And I don't want to teach my children narcissism anymore. Obviously, they aren't narcissists because they are children, but I know I struggle partially because of the cues I've taken from my own parents and family in their brokenness. But my parents and family can't, won't and shouldn't have to fix me. It's my responsibility, which is actually a relief because I don't want to have to rely on others so heavily anymore. I'm going to read that book and follow your channel and talk to my therapist and do trauma processing.
I love your channel! 🙏💗 I really appreciate the insightful hypotheses you share. It’s refreshing to see someone who doesn’t just repeat what they hear but brings a deep, integrated understanding of the dynamics at play.
This gave me more clarity as I have have been struggling with doubts about the turmoil in my 4 month marriage. I was discarded...he filed for divorce. I knew he had childhood trauma and struggled emotionally. I experienced the idealization and devaluation in such a short time. So confusing and disheartening...and I still feel bad for him...I know I need to focus on my own healing...
I watched this video without a blink of an eye, thinking that it cannot be longer than 20 minutes. I looked at the tab and it showed the 49th minute.. and I was already crying. I am the narcissist, not the victim. I started to laugh at some of the things you said for them being so much on point, but that laughter turned into a stressful shaking, then to breathing depression, and then to full blown crying. Richard, every sentence you utter in this video is unbelievably on point, and I believe watching this has already changed my life.. Thank you for all the efforts and the immense thinking you put in this video, I'm shocked and terrified at the same time. Still wiping my tears btw... Thank you
I haven't seen such a productive, informative and preserving the dignity of all participants video on this topic until now.. I feel healed more and more with each minute !! And see hope for the people around me.. And forgiveness.. Such a blessing!! Thank you, Richard, for your efforts! May you be blessed in your work. Regards
@ 33:05 .... that's exactly what my ex would do. He couldn't be a good person with problems like everyone else, in his mind, he was all good/the best or all bad/the worst. He would swing between imagining himself perfect and being soooooooo down on himself that he would get depressed. There was/is no medium. It didn't matter what I said or how I said it or even who said it. Me trying to "help him" turned out to be extremely toxic in it's own right. I don't think lay people who are entangled with the narc can help them. I think those of us who go on a mission to help the narcissist we love, no matter how well intentioned, we will not only fail but we will make it exponentially worse. You can't help people who either don't believe they have any flaws or who swing the polar opposite direction and fall into a state where they imagine themselves worthless and therefore, helpless. Even if they hit a rock bottom and decide to seek help, it's short lived and still superficial. The moment their therapist starts fluffing thier ego, they go right back to believing it's ok to hurt people and they're perfect. The very idea that we, as lay people, have any ability to help narcissists heal is toxic codependency in and of itself imo. We can only help ourselves and in the event that the narc asks for our help, we can direct them to resources and professionals. That's it. Don't get your hopes up and don't allow what appears to a come-to-Jesus moment to farther break down your boundaries. Giving minimal effort to fix themselves doesn't give them a license to keep abusing you. Let them fix thier shit on their own... you're not thier mom or their doctor or their therapist.
Yup. I swear all the 'help' I gave, which to anyone else would be suportive, frustrated him terribly as he hated his flaws being pointed out all the time. Crushing to him. I even have a suicide note from him half about me, thankfully he didn't die. Big wakeup call how my 'help' was recieved / perceived on the other side. I was addicted to fixing and eventually admitted the toxicity was reciprical. He reports feeling so much more balanced since I left. Said he is going for help, but I no longer press it. In the end best thing is to leave him alone.
I think you can help actually... people just typically don't do it the right way, and their own issues get caught up and make it difficult, since it's a romantic relationship, not a mentorship or therapy session constantly. I don't see why you can't help your partner though.
You are unbelievable right omg! I have started this "ego fixing" on my own intuition for a while now. Thank you so much for this video. I must say tiny improvement starts showing.
I cried when I found this video. I have 2 NPD's in my life, an ex and a current boyfriend and of course, being an empath, have never been able to just accept that they are sick, demonized people that I should just give up on. I suffer from C-Ptsd so I understand where they are coming from and your video just confirmed a lot of the things my intuition has told me about them and it gives me hope that I can at least live with a better understanding of their condition and act accordingly and maybe someday they will be open to learning how to heal themselves. In the meantime, this information will help me to act differently in response to their behaviors and with more compassion and understanding.
I was so glad to see this because there are certain doctors and professionals on-line who have so much animosity towards them but no answers for them, although they admit that narcissism is a personality disorder. I refuse to listen to them - anyone can whine but if you are a trained professional, provide some solutions please.
This is brilliant thanks so much I thought there's no hope.. I'm cptsd and he's narcissist cptsd due to childhood trauma. We're both aware and trying to work on it to be together.
I'm a codependent that was involved with a narcissist. I'm so glad I found these videos because I did connect with the narcissist on a human level. He did tell me after a 3 year passionate relationship that he wasn't going to lie to me and tell me he loved me, he couldn't even tell me he liked me. He also told me that he couldn't trust and he would never be happy. He done so much crap that I went no contact 8 months ago. If I ever have to seem him again, I'm wondering if he would want to know he's a narcissist. Some parts of my relationship with him was talking with him about his childhood trauma. When I went no contact I felt like I disowned my child. I should hate this person but instead I have pity on him. I won't take him back but I don't think it's fair that he was abused as a child. I don't know if it's wise to try and get him help buy I do think I should show and tell him about this video so maybe he can understand himself. Thank you for theses wonderful video, I'm sure your education helps educate people on this disorder.
It could help him, only if he trys to get you back in his life and tell him, you will only consider it if he watches some of these videos.. I don't know, that may sound like bribery or manipulation, but after the pain he caused you, it just may be the karmic lesson he needs.🙏💙☮️💕
Relationships with narcissists can work. But it has to be the right chemistry. I would say that my narcissism is a state of mind that gets triggered in certain situations. As long as your partner does not trigger you then it’s fine.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate someone else saying that. I don't know what's best in your case. In my case, it would probably be absolutely useless but I have the same instinct. Good luck.
I really believe if I’m not a narcissist, I definitely have a lot of the tendencies. I can relate to almost everything he’s saying. I’ve been working so so hard to change the way I behave and treat others. Thank you for posting!!
My Vulnerable Narc made me realize that Narcissism is a more severe version of Codependency. Therefore, I think it can be treated similar way. I’m a Codependent and here is a list of similarities: 1) Damaged fragile self esteem/shame (afraid to say no, have to pretend for people to like and accept you) 2) Need love and validation for self esteem (external sourse) 3) Enmeshed relationship 4) Idealization and discard. Trying to change a person into your fantasy and then become disappointed (I know many codependents that idealized their parnter) 5) High sensitivity 6) Addictions It’s the shame that needs to be addressed and cured in both cases I know that Inner critic work definitely helped me with my self esteem
I think is the video that we really all need Richard, yes maybe narcissists are extremely harmful and abusive but everyone who does this sort of harm to others has been harmed severely themselves. I really wish to believe if we can break through the delusions to find the light that all of us can find a way to heal... One saying... a simple one I once heard is that Hurt people, hurt people and it couldn't be more truthful in the case of narcissism. I've been accused of being one of the major disorder and real self reflection has taken a terrible toll and amount of energy to simply process my way through the steps of realigning my self perception with reality, and among that not being overly focused on how I or others perceive themselves. I'm under no delusion that I've suddenly done away with these tendencies as these feelings and thoughts can come in swings and arcs but I do think every journey requires its first steps. Anyways, thank you for making this video. It's not easy to come to terms with reality but it's something we will eventually all face when the time comes for that reckoning.
I firmly believe that narcissist behaviour can be altered. I have DID, and one of my personas is a narcissist. But that part of me has learned to „do the opposite of what she would naturally do“.
Oh my goodness Richard! I have followed you for years and this is absolutely your best and most in depth description of what I have learned firsthand and through freakin extensive research. I love your work and you have made an indelibly positive impact on my life. I so wish you all that is good and peaceful in this life!!
Im a physcology major and my goal when I finally earn my degree is to put more focus on narcissism and make the world realize this is an issue and these people can be helped but they need to want help and need to realize they have an issue... If you ever have a free moment I would love to maybe talk to you or communicate with you via email or how ever to get some of your ideas and veiw points for a thesis paper
how can you even say that it was not the easy watch(in the end), when literally this was like all i have been looking for my whole life now...oh my god I cant even thank you enough for this..the way you have made it all so clear ...it is today me thanking you and universe....thankyou so much this all is so much appreciated. you dont even know how much it has helped me. Thankyou....also on my way to create an ego for my super ego...an agent for executive functionalities. Thankyou so much Richard. heres a covert narc (ik not a good term)...who has been working on self for years now not knowing this was all a part of the problem...recently got to know that i was n narc tooo...and here I am on the journey of improving self...you really did give me a lot of answers for my childhood which i didnt even know i needed answers for.
This is where parenting education in society and the importance of early learning goes hand in hand I believe fond your video very informative thankyou.
Richard, thanks for making this video. I’m three quarters the way through the video and feel I just have to say that so far you are describing me exactly. After a traumatic experience a few days ago and a massive row with my wife of 46 years, I’m trying to find a way forward for my NPD. Thanks again
Ive said for the past 6 years that I do not believe there could ever be a cure for narcissism. That position is something Ive maintained because of the NPD impulse to dismantle the therapeutic process.
If a narcissist could be convinced not to do that (and I explain a possible method of how this could be done in the video) then there is a CHANCE they could be healed.
But it would be very, very difficult and the Narcissist, NOT the therapist, would have to be willing to put in extremely challenging work, every day for a year or so.
In the video I explain why its akin to someone to someone being in a coma for a long time learning to walk again
Im not a clinician, Im not qualified to diagnose or do psychotherapy work with anyone.
Nor have I ever altered someone with full blown NPD in any but the most cosmetic ways through coaching.
But if there is a chance for full healing, I think it depends on these 5 key points.
@Richard Grannon - I feel like this may be a stupid question but it keeps coming up for me. If superego functions subconscious/unconscious & it controls us (codependents/narcs). How is all their manipulation and meanness conscious/intentional? How are they both a toddler AND a "cruel villain"?
@@KatyWithAWhyyy Its not a stupid question, its just a question of nuance. Superego controls the impulse, emotional flashback controls the "archetypal state" but there is still a choice to act or not act on an impulse or emotion.
It would be a huge mistake to make the logical leap to saying "they dont know what they are doing and they are blameless".
They DO not what they are doing and are not be absolved of guilt. The world couldnt function if we pardoned every criminal because "mental health" was a carte blanche to do whatever they wanted.
In fact that would make them worse.
RICHARD GRANNON Ok, that makes more sense. May be due to my over analyzing and black and white tendencies that I broke it down as I did initially. Your answer helps me to frame it up. Thank you, as always! ☺️
@@Gwen13061 with no offense intended: is your point that meds should be prescribed?
@@KatyWithAWhyyy I had some experience with toddlers and I must say they are cruel. I do not believe anymore in the myth of the child as a sweet good creature. They are perfectly able to be bad and vendicative. It is human nature I guess. So super ego can be a child and so it can be cruel
"Before you heal someone, ask him if he's willing to give up the things that make him sick." Hippocrates
That is as with many great truths both humorous and tragic.
Ooh that's good. I've never heard that before, thank you 👍
I found that most people don't really want to heal despite the fact that they say they do. I know several codependants whom I met in my teens (often through a mutual narc friend) who complained to me about their mental health. When I told them that I think that they have CPTSD and recommended them to read more about narc.abuse they all backed up. Narcs have also complained to me about mental health issues. I recommended one of them to read a book that helped me. This person read the book and said "the book does not say enough about how to actually heal the issue". That was it :)
Yes....however, that’s the second question that should be asked...the first question is , “Do you believe that you are sick?”🤔
lol good point
I am so grateful for this perspective. I am the narcissist who desperately wants to change for the sake of not perpetuating this cycle in my children's lives. This has been the most helpful video that doesn't focus on demonizing the narcissist. THANK YOU!
That is so great!! I’m hoping my husband will realize this too!
I believe anyone can change if they want it bad enough I wish you luck 😊
My thoughts exactly.. Thanks Richard!
That is great Hannah, be brave, you can do this.
You are not the narc! No narc would say they are a narc! They are too disengaged with feelings and feeling that they would ever be wrong in any situation whatsoever! If you feel any guilt that means you're not the narcissist!
The narcissist inside me is very thankful for seeing this. I don't want to be like this. All the videos out there say we can't be helped , so to hear this is gives me hope. Thank you.
You may not be a narcissist after all!
@@maskman1980 I hear it all the time, but the fact is he can be and I probably am too. The fact that we care for others and our careers does not mean we are not narcissistic. For example I'm angry at anyone that opposes me, while not being able to actually force my way. I don't know how to fight, I only got by in life because people know a lot less about street fights than me. My first thought to fix this is not to stop forcing people to do something my way, but to get stronger, have a bigger car and a gun. I can't accept not being right and I will not.
And I am aware of this, but not willing to give up. This might kill me one day, you know? But I still do it. So I am, by def, a narcissist.
@@MarcinWojtczukQuite possibly you are not a narcissist.
I think I might be a narcissist too. I never even gave it the slightest thought. I am so deeply sorry. I am now going to do this work and fix it.
By your own definition maybe..Based on one or two traits that could mean anything.@@MarcinWojtczuk
for all the people seeing this and wanting to heal from NPD, you're amazingly beautiful. thank you for taking this cure
@@victoriamarie35 it's rather tragic really. I feel mechanical emotion. I never had real love, while I am self aware I do not have emotional connection with people. I choose to spend my time alone where I have control over my environment, as soon as that is challenged I don't know how to respond other than manipulation for empathy so that someone may help me. Again that connection with attention and the need for love. Again those who are self aware can live relatively normal lives. HOWEVER, in some if not most cases, mechanical or mathematically driven or calculated emotions and not real, so I wouldn't know how it could be cured.
Peace✌️
@@victoriamarie35 I am sorry to say that are evil to the core save your prayer for someone else
@@jeffytodd4261 Prayers can provide the fertile ground for the seeds of change. The rest is up to them.
@@victoriamarie35 broad is the way narrow is the path Matthew 17:13
@@jeffytodd4261 KJV Romans 11:14
“If by any means I may provoke to emulation them which are my flesh, and might save some of them.”
Many people have been saved because someone prayed. I’m praying for them.
I’m am therapist and I love how you are breaking this down. What you’re explaining is the reason why I go backwards with clients to start. It helps to see all of the experiences in their lives that you are explaining which gives me insight into how to help a client grow past their trauma!
If anyone reading this has fallen down the TH-cam rabbit hole on a quest to understanding their partner , let this one be your guiding light ...
What do you mean? Are you speaking on this particular video?
@@greygoose6531 beautiful one, just keep listening... I promise you will understand... Dear God i hate how painful this process is..
When I was a child and I hurt myself in a humiliating manner (fell off a trampoline into the mud at another person's house), I looked at the house and cried harder when I realised no one responded.
Zena Mason I don’t think Narcissism is cause by a sole event. I think it’s cause by continuous abuse throughout the whole childhood, also it’s cause how you react to it as an adult. If you take action to improve yourself or you bury urself down.
If you are researching why your partner is a narcissist I suggest running.. they will eat you alive. If you fall down this rabbit hole that they can be helped you will surely end up more broken. My narcissist played the “getting help” for 2 years. They have to want to get help and they are so egotistical they never do.
"your parents didn't love you" it was such a relief hearing those words. My first thought was thank goodness love isn't that messed-up manipulative guilt-inducing game
Yes her knew it was gonna hit, hence the long pause?
Camelia it also helped me when Richard said something about parents sometimes not even knowing "how"..
Same.
Im not saying its not true for you but I wouldn't be so quick to judge your parents. Life is complex as are people.
peri peri you can denounce the love from your parents as toxic/damaging without judging them as people, or demonizing them
I understand your point tho just wanted to think about it a bit
Healing a narcissist - is it possible?
Yes. Conditions:
1. Acknowledging, understanding and accepting CPTSD in its totality (advice: read "CPTSD from surviving to thriving" by Pete Walker). Approach the healing from this perspective.
2. Understand the four Fs (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) and how they develop from CHILDHOOD TRAUMA.
Accept that NPD:
- is codependency
- post-traumatic protective stress-response to childhood trauma
How to heal NPD:
Treat it as though it was a CPTSD:
1. Treat the emotional disregulation (moodiness). All they are trying to do is regulate their emotions, specifically they don't want to feel SHAME. (The behaviour is SHAMELESS, it is to avoid deep seated feelings of shame, that come from emotional flashbacks). They attack, provoke, lie, are predatory, hurt you - in order to avoid abandonment terror, shame and sadness.
(Grannon video: The CPTSD archetype of the sad baby)
The sum of these emotional flashbacks is that one feels a specific combination of 4-5 emotions that shows up almost as a new personality. (E.g. being confident, energized, giddy, supper optimistic, really happy, joyful).
A certain cluster of emotions creates a certain archetype. NPD shows up as a sad baby archetype:
- needs others to give things to them
- manipulative childhood behaviour, in order to recruit other people to do things for them
Angry baby archetype:
- crancky/rage/temper tantrum, when people don't want to help them
- selfish
- grumpy
- vindictive
- punitive
Children go trough a phase of narcissim and selfishness. NPD never grows out of it. It's a response to trauma. As a consequence they leave their body (in their mind) and create a "false self" . They create a new reality, where their pain doe not matter, they become their own god and "help themselves" .
2. Deal with the inappropriate archetype, showing up.
3. Overcome the super-ego. (The part of you regulating your moral behaviour, telling you what is right or wrong). The child looks to the parent to get a feedback on wether sth is good/bad etc.
An NPD is brought up by inconsistent/abusive parents. They then internalize an abusive/bad parent. And have an abusive super-ego. It goes up and down- that is why they are so emotionally unstable (moody).
- highly poor ego-boundaries
Abuse:
- can be silent
- being judgemental
- being too strict
- never saying to a child "well done!"
NPD:
- there is no ego, and no ego boundaries
- only super-ego (vicious)
When their super-ego attacks them, they have an outer critic.
There were 2 separate injunctions that created NPD:
- no ego, no ego boundaries
- an extreme amount of being spoilt or all bad
They need to be desperate to even start therapy.
thank you for this summary
@avgonyma1 - Great synopsis! I wish i could copy what you wrote & save it, but TH-cam won't let me. :(
Jessica A. Take a screenshot
How can spoiling be part of the cause of someone becoming NPD? Is that actually considered traumatic to be spoiled?
On another note, a relative of mine was quite spoiled by one parent as a child. But also abused by the other. (I guess that would give her a very inconsistent message: one parent thinks she's perfect and can do now wrong, and the other expects perfection & she can do no right - so she he's doted on by one & beat on verbally, emotionally & physically by the other.)
I can't tell if she is NPD or BPD. The traits can be so similar. Does anybody know the difference?
@@jessicaa.6690 I will try to give you my thought, which are just small bits of what you're asking:
In terms of wether she is an NPD or a BPD: try to ask Elinor Greenberg, on Quora. She is an expert on these "adaptations" and has been for over 40 years. She has also written a book "Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety", where she also discusses the differences.
As for spoiling:
1. Spoiling is a form of abuse, as far as i know. It is unhealthy and leaves you ill-prepared for life. I'd say it can be traumatic later on, when you face the real world, as a spoilt person, and have to realise (trauma) that the world is not what you thought it was....
2. I once read a book about spoilt children and how to fix that. They were describing 5 way of spoiling, amongst them: being spoilt by being given everything or excessive attention, but also "being spoilt by neglect" .....
And they all lead to similar results: a spoilt child.
I can copy and paste the synopsis either to a mail or a DM (but I am unaware of a DM-option within TH-cam). Otherwise, a screenshot is your only option, yes.
Thanks for this video. All of the videos on TH-cam are how to torture, escape, avoid the narcissist.
How to torture? Are you kidding?
@joannaRB no that is one of the most common videos; torture, destroy, hurt, vengeance
@@joannaRB honestly most of the videos are about how to destroy a narcissist persons happiness or their mentality which is basically torturing them because some people believe that they cant be changed even if they want to change etc
Yes I agree. I noticed that many videos are just hateful people encouraging revenge or spite towards Narcissists.
Makes me wonder who is worse, the "nark" or the "hater".
CEO's are next level so I have no opinion on that. To me they are more 'psychopath' than just a "nark".
I think that your video saved my life, thank you so so much Richard, I don't feel tormented anymore, I understand my problem and I believe that I can heal, thank you
This video made me burst to tears, because no video has ever discribed all my problems and my internal world so perfect. I am a girl recovering from NPD and this video made my my mom agree to help me in my recovery!
I like your style of explaining a lot and thank you for uploading this free content, you are amazing!
Greetings from Greece 🇬🇷
Greetings from a Greek in NYC. I was born in Sparti.
How are you doing with this? Has it helped you?
Congratulations on admitting you needed help and reaching for help.
You are going to do well.
Na èise kalá koritsáki mou.
I came across this content by chance and it really spoke to me and made it understandable so thank you. Ive been struggling with the question of am i codependant or on the narcissist spectrum. Guess either way the recovery is the same.... self parenting could be my answer. The pendulum metaphor really hit home and i liked your straight talking. Ill be checking out more of your stuff.
My choices before seeing this were very bleak. I was really struggling with my inner self but now i have hope and a direction to investigate. Thank you
Good on you, "where there's a will, there's a chance "
So Proud of you (& Your Mom) Young Lady!! ❤❤❤❤❤🙌🙌🙏🙏👏👏👏😘
❤ just don’t give up therapy (if the therapist is good) (been there, done that). The shame is the worst thing ever in narcissism. Try also EMDR, it’s the best CPTSD treatment. Take care. We are special people-even though there is a bit of narcissism in the affirmation. 🫶🤗. One of the best..thank you Richard for creating this channel and sharing it with the world. 🙏❤
I really don't care about PhDs, you are ON TO SOMETHING here. Out of all people I've listened to about this subject, you have been the most helpful by far. And there are so many points in this video that make me think about these dynamics differently. And isn't it interesting how society in general teaches you to think about ego in a very incorrect way? :/
👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
Well said.
What he says is building on stuff PHD's have discovered: the whole thing how CPTSD and how trauma in childhood forms etc explains personality disorders so much better than previously understood, it comes from people like Bessel van der Kolk (read the Body Keeps the Score or listen to his lecture on TH-cam). I'd like to Richard to attribute these pioneers of trauma research and not just TH-cam celebs like Vaknin (who does has original and insightful points about malignant narcissism yeah). The stuff Richard here says is good synthesis of what therapists who also do academic researcher have found in past few decades. It makes sense that personality disorders are combined to one in ICD-11 and then describing what facets is has, as people can with little different environments portray stuff that was previously understood as totally different disorders (histrionic, borderline, antisocial) when they in fact have a lot of in common. Van der Kolk and others even seem to think a lot of psychiatric diagnoses will be replased more accurately with CPTSD, not limited to personality disorders.
This guy is just amazing. He gave me some Hope. My ex hurt me so much but i dont want him to suffer cause he is a victim too. We have two young children i need to fix him for them.
Richard has a fresh view, from his own reasoning and experience. Sometimes too much education takes away from this.
i suffer from NPD. i first came across it (and other B-cluster personality types) in my 30s and spoke to a number of professionals about it, as such i've been clinically diagnosed 3 times, independently. since confirming this disorder, i've attempted to counter it and the damage it can cause as much as possible. this is honestly the first piece online that i've found where i felt like i wasn't being demonised. it's of extreme value for narcissists to see that there are people out there prepared to help, rather than 'survive' them and gain distance. thank you for this insight.
I want nothing more than to help my narc ex. He did things that forced me to choose between my love for myself and my love for him... and since I can't love him without loving myself (love for others is excess self love spilling out of its container), I chose to save myself. In doing so, I still love him. Had I stayed, I would've been codependent, which is abuse of the narcissist, not love for him.
So tragically, the very thing that would keep us together - my love - keeps us apart because of what he did. But apart I will love him for eternity, just as he is, but hoping and praying he becomes the beautiful soul I see trapped within, waiting to be set free and come alive.
Dr Daniel fox is a therapist on you tube who has effective treatments there's a few others also 🙏
Didn't you treat others badly for how many years, why its your right to treat people horribly and people can't demonize you ? 0 sympathy for you guys, go work on yourselves, and stop getting the sympathy and the care from others
He did work on himself, that is why he takes time to help others heal, he was a victim of NPD too, he knows how hard it is to recover, but is willing to train people how to live themselves again..Maybe you were not willing to recognize ,it has effected his self, look up ACES too high on line, it tells the outcome ...if you do not take the time to heal.
He was co dependant, not na-r cisisst, he did not hurt anyone, co -dependants hurt their own self, with self-doubt that was coerced in them by the NPD.
I don’t know who you are but you have saved me. I’m 25 years old and I realized that I can be a normal person. I have time to heal, to make peace with myself, to get back on track with my life and go out. A normal life, with bads and goods. Thank you.
What ways are you approaching to work on this ?
Hi , did you see any progress, any recovery ??
When you were talking about the praise/appreciation bit and the "well done" bit, I damn nearly burst into tears.
Nothing was ever good enough for my folks. My grades in school were well above average, but that wasn't good enough. Any and all accomplishments were diminished and disregarded, whereas any failures were absolutely blown out of proportion.
Nowadays, ijust hurts so much. I have had so many people tell me I have so much potential. I never could develop it. It's like, I get an impulse to do something, to create or to express myself, but it automatically gets suppressed, because I feel like it won't matter to anyone other than me if what I do is good or bad.
It hurts so much that I had to pause the video and by this point, I am sobbing and crying. 31m, trying to survive and heal in a world that feels utterly indifferent to my wanta and needs.
You are indeed a pioneer. No-one has given me as much as you in terms of insight. Well done.
Anneke Luijkenaar glad to have helped
YES!!!🎉
@@RICHARDGRANNON I feel exactly the same way. This video may have actually changed my life. I sat through through this 1 hour video like a freaking uni lecture, hahaha. Thanks for the efforts you've put into making this.
Thank you , no one has explained this way yo me , mostt want to push religion down my throat
That's either a high pedestal or a low bar
This video really helped me understand how I got out of narcicissm on my own and it was studying success philosophies. I took me 10 years or reading books and learning on my own to develop a healthy ego. I still at times become narcissistic but I'm retaining my empathy really well. Personal development on the mind is what keeps my mind healthy after being abused for so many years.
Hi, do you have any resources?
This is beautiful to hear, brother!
What books did you read please?
@@twillsJKZhey sry to bother you have u found any sources that have helped?
@@plamenvasilev7980 Not really no, im in therapy though. how are you doing?
When I started looking to heal my own narcissistic tendencies I was saddened to find there is so much HATE for the abused child grown up, and NOTHING on healing those who SUFFER from npd. Thank you for what u do. It really means a lot
Update:
It's been 4 years since my original post. I've since adopted spirituality. Osho, Sadhguru, and Eckhardt Tolle are good places to start. All the solutions are there for you and your loved ones. Good luck on your healing. God bless us all🙏🏾
God bless you.
I hear you and agree wholeheartedly.
Eleazer Collins There is ‘hate’ because they immensely abuse people who have done nothing wrong and in most cases give a lot of energy, patience and love in order to help.... these people in most cases don’t know why they get abused, assaulted, smears and wrongly accused of the most awful things so please excuse BPD victims for been angry!
Let’s just be realistic here and not put the NPD on an abuse pedestal for being more of a victim than the people they abuse ;-)
@@ReformedWhiteKnight I'm making no excuses or comparisons. I understand where abuse victims are coming from and why they feel so strongly, but I can't agree with exercising hate against the npd anymore than I can agree with the npd doing what they do. What I'm saying is until we recognize that babies are all victims and essentially molded by their environment, we'll still blame people and not the systems that created them. Only once we recognize the situation for what it truly is can we being to make real, lasting changes.
@@TheeLetterL did you heal?
@@mweusimrembo890 hard to say. I don't have an official diagnosis. But I am aware now! It helps me understand myself and not react as much to "disrespect".
I'm 6 minutes into this video and I'm already crying. I finally feel like someone understands me, why I do the things I do. It took me so long to admit that I was narcissistic only to be confronted with mountains of people saying "narcissists can't change" or "narcissists are one step short of psychopaths" or things like that. I felt hopeless; like my options were either stay a narcissist and hurt others or recognise my faults and hate myself with no hope of healing. Thank you for recognising that narcissism develops from abuse, that we aren't heartless monsters, and thank you especially for giving me hope of change and recovery.
That's interesting to hear this. My brother is a covert narcissist, he has hit rock bottom, but I can see that if he saw this video he might feel offended because he is so sensitive.
Do you have any advice for what my family can do to help him? He lacks awareness of his own narcissism so much and in fact calls other people narcissists, so he has an awareness of what it is (roughly), but his narcissism is so deep that he can't see that he has it himself. His level of hypocrisy is honestly beyond insane that it's hard not to feel hopeless.
I just can't imagine my brother making the same comment you made, it's hard to believe you are a narcissist because a narcissist wouldn't think they are a narcissist, how did you come to that realisation?
Was it on your own? Were you forced to? Did you have to?
And if possible do you have any recommendations about how a covert narcissist can at least become aware they are one but at the same time do that in a sensitive way so they can accept it in a way which isn't too painful?
Also how painful was it for you to accept you were a narcissist?
And are you covert or malignant/grandiose?
Also my brother suffers from depression, anxiety etc, which makes him act out more in my opinion, makes his harmful behaviour worse, is that something you have also experienced?
Sorry for so many questions, I'm just desperate, my mother had a heart attack because of all the stress, we need to help him somehow, we need to help him find a way to help himself but he won't. He just continues blaming. It's very sad.
It's unfortunate you didn't get a response for your questions. I'm sorry for all the struggles you're having to deal with.
I have a friend that is a covert narcissist & have been searching for the answers to many of the questions you've asked.
I have to ask have you've found any helpful ways to try & get your brother to become aware? Or have any advice for me on things I could try (or things I should definitely avoid trying)
@@Freddie1MHi Freddie, Sorry to hear this for you. I’m pretty much in the same boat as you, only it’s my sister who was diagnosed with NPD & Bipolar 2 back in 2017. I have no answers for you; unfortunately me and my family are as lost as you are with how to help. I have watched hundreds of hours on TH-cam about narcissism, and haven’t come across any way to help a narcissist see themselves and recognize their problems.
Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it.
No I haven't found a way to make him self aware, the problem is if I confront him and explain to him how he is a covert narcissist I am 99.99% sure he will deny it. That denial I believe will just make the situation worse because it will probably lead to more projection and he'd become worse and even start calling me a narcissist which I would find unbearable because he's the one doing all the abuse and I've spent years of my life bearing this pain, sacrificing friendships, job opportunities etc.
About your friend who is a covert narcissist, I'm curious how you came to this realisation? Having been subject to my brother's abuse for so long it's hard to be friends with him, I want to help him, but I don't think I can ever be good friends with him because he's too abusive and I'd never be able to trust him again until I'm 100% sure he's cured and to my knowledge it is an incurable disorder.
I am curious why you remain friends with him knowing that he is abusive to other people, it's a very brave and commendable thing for you to do because you could walk away (I assume). I can't think of a great analogy but to me it's close to choosing to remain friends with a murderer, I know this probably sounds like an exaggeration, but it's not, my mother nearly died because of all the stress he caused her, I'm having stress related health problems myself which have most likely significantly shortened my life. My mother is still subject to all this stress and my brother continues to abuse her knowing full well that stress was almost undoubtedly the main cause of her heart attack. My mother keeps telling him that this stress is going to give her another heart attack but he continues to be abusive and blame her for his own failures.
Do you know what kind of abuse your friend does to close family around him? Does he ever abuse you? My brother doesn't abuse his friends because he knows he can't get away with it. @@danp1471
@Freddie1M
TLDR Its a female I crushed hard for & only really been communicating with regularly for 6 months. She lives 3+hours away so I only know of her abuse towards me. I came to the realization by the amount of boxes she checked after I eventually stumbled across vulnerable Narcissist when searching for answers.*
Well for starters it's a female friend that I crushed hard for. I've known her for several years but would only see/talk to each other a handful of times a year. She seemed like a nice beautiful girl, but I always noticed a sense of entitlement about her.
It wasn't til a few months back that she reached out & we clicked. She made me feel desired & understood. She told me she was diagnosed with systematic scleroderma & it has been causing many problems, preventing her from working & whatnot.
The first few weeks went great. I'm a introvert with a kind heart, not much family & my circle of friends is small. She gave me her sob story talking about how all the people before me bailed on her. I ate up the attention she gave me & became bonded to her rather quickly. It wasn't long however before things started to feel off.
She didn't seem to be nearly as grateful as one would expect in her situation given the way I was treating her. She seemed very hit or miss in her efforts despite me giving my all. (Considering she was supposedly 'all alone with no one' that just didn't sit right with me.)
She seemingly did a 180 out of nowhere at one point. Essentially hitting me with the silent treatment. What was it for? I have no idea. I did nothing but love & look out for her. She came back around acted all lovingly & then she dipped again. Like wtf? That's when I started googling questions & it didn't take long to land on vulnerable Narcissist. The more I read on it, the more boxes were being checked.
I believe she has scleroderma because it lines up with what I've noticed about her from over the years when I met her previously. Conviently though thats a disease which conditions can vary a bit from patient to patient. So I'm forced to go off with how she paints the picture. She did have to go to the hospital for at least a few days, but seemed like she was playing it up a bit too much.
I even made a loving post essentially dedicated to her wearing the "my fight is her fight" gear, sharing her story of being diagnosed with systematic scleroderma. You know the type of post you make to spread awareness about something & you're practically begging everyone reading it to share it?
Well she actually replied to it asking if she could share it. Like what? That's the entire F'in purpose of it & it was being done for her. I essentially did a retelling of her story. Like who would ask that? [Sorry I almost forgot about that one. At the time that whole thing just blew my mind.]
One thing I do believe her on is she's living without family members & is renting out one room of her house to a ex-coworker she rarely sees.
I haven't been close enough to her to know how she treats her family. I know she has a son about to start college that she appears close to that we talked about a bit. I met him several times in the past previously when he traveled with her. She puts on the display of loving him dearly. That could be part of her image because I'd consider him the golden child. She doesn't have many accomplishments from what I've seen, so she boasts of him & seems to use him to get a good bit of her attention.
She's only open about certain things. Pretty much solely focused on the struggles she's had. I only know what she tells me, & there's not many ways I could truly verify what she does share. It's impossible to know how many lies she may have told me.
Why do I stick around? I guess it's because I feel I've invested a lot into her financially & emotionally. I made a vow not to bail on her & a personal commitment that I was going to be the person to show her there is someone that would always have her back. I don't like giving up on people without giving my best effort. There's always a spectrum so it has been me trying to guage if she has narcissistic tendencies or if she's just gone where theres no hope.
I've also never dealt with someone I considered a legit narcissist & have spent the past couple months trying to come to terms with the fact people like this not only exist, but that they will never change. I'm a fixer by nature so it's hard to just accept that.
Although at this current point I suppose the only question that should matter is how she makes me feel. Some days great other days awful. I've been pulling back since I first made my comment to you because the good days have been fewer & farther between. The anxiousness, trust issues, confusion, & stress she can bring out in me simply isn't worth it. If anything I'm usually too trusting of others so it's not me being overly paranoid.
She lives a good 3 hours away so I haven't visited her. I offered to go on my one day off to help out once. Her simple 3 word reply of "come on over" (followed by silence the rest of the day) as if she's just a few blocks away irritated me. I mean if she's alone, can't get around well from her condition, & has no vehichle (all of which she claimed) I would have been estatic someone offered to do that.
She knows damn well I live on the other side of the state. The reason I wanted to visit though was to one see if her condition is as bad as she makes it out to be & secondly to get a better sense of how she reacts if I start pushing her buttons. I wanted to know if she was going to be worth my effort. The fact I didn't even feel she was worth the drive to find that part out kind of told me all I needed to know. Respect to anyone who read all this. Sorry for the length.
[I'm very sorry to hear about your mother & all the stress you & the rest of your family is forced to deal with. I'm almost losing my mind dealing with someone who lives 3 hours from me & my experience pales in comparison to yours. So I can only imagine the turmoil you've been forced to deal with your entire life. I wish you & your family the very best.]
I can't believe how well you analyzed the narcissist. Thank you! For many years I have been doing therapy that is supposed to help me deal with phases of depression. Now I have realized myself that I am a vulnerable narcissist. I understand why I have this hole in my soul. And it hurts so much. It's a shame it took so many years to develop this knowledge. And I think it's a shame that my therapist didn't have the interest or ability to guide me on this trail ... Now I'm looking for the quickest way out of the situation because I want to be a good mother.
Hi , did you see any progress ??
have you healed bro ?? if yes please help me what made you healed ...
Richard you're right. Me ex is hugely Moody. She does experience every human emotions. You're in the right path. I wish with all my heart they could be freed.
When money is not our driver in life.... BRILLIANCE PREVAILS
Thankyou Richard.
Money is a bi product of your actions. Those actions might be helpful for you and your self esteem.
Vete happy for this. I was getting fed up with other videos and their negative connotations of this disorder because it affected the people I wanted to help with this disorder! I thought “ why would we want to stigmatize the problem we’re trying to fix?”
thank you sir I am a full blown narcissist, I understood every second, I used to be such ah happy person but I had people trying to crush me, while at the same time my mom helping me be confident, it destroyed my personality and my ego, but I think I'm smart enough now to do this treatment myself ( spoken like a true narcissist) but I'm glad I realized the root of my issues and I will come out a better person eventually thank you :)
All too relatable my man. It’s one thing to admit being a narcissist but to seek treatment is a beast in and of itself. Don’t ever give up. That happiness isn’t gone forever.
I’m with ya Brother. I’ve just finally realised what’s going on. May I ask what paths to recovery you have found helpful?
@@kanemclaren5991 Jesus Christ became my patental guidance he talked about, in order to heal. Im still healing but its been a good ten years of slow but steady progress. Best of luck and God bless!
@@Fistfury42 thanks for responding. Agreed. Spiritual revelation and practice seems to be one of the very few remedies and solutions.
As they say “be careful what you wish for”
Well I prayed, meditated and asked to be shown the cause of my suffering and the suffering I cause others and bam! found my way to HG Tudor. Incredible (and to be honest, a bit relieving) to finally be able to comprehend and unpack this mysterious box of maladaptive behaviour. I wish you well on your Journey✌🏼
🙏🏻 praying for y’all ...it is brave to realize and then even braver to make the steps and do the work to heal 🙏🏻
literally started to cry when you said "you're just a person" you're right. when the shit hits the fan I go to a very very dark place thinking every act I have ever done is horrid and beat myself up about everything. even the good by saying you've only done it because it serves you. when I feel a bit better in myself I then berate myself thinking of gone back into the narcissism and it feels like a vicious cycle which is very familiar for me.
Codependants feel the same
It is me, me, me. To cry is helping no one.
Sorry start to reflect and be empathetic with other persons.
I totally hear and feel you on this one.
I identify with just about everything you're saying.
Thank you. It's like someone flipped the light switch on for me and made sense of my 57 years of this life time of mine. It's taken a lot of work, lifr choices, religions, therapies, reading watching you and others so that now...it's coming together in my senses all at once. Whew...I need to sit quiet here for a while and marinate and watch this again. 🙇♀️
Are you saying you are a narc?
Just
Thank God for people like you Now I can stop watching your videos It's a little late now after 33 years Of living with my spouse with 3 children 2 adults and one teenager and now I'm single And looking for answers of what happened in my relationship I never realized what I was doing to my family Now I really have to change watching your videos is going to be a great help in my life Thank you so much
Having grown up in a narcissistic, psychopathic and predatory environment this teaching is gold to me. 💜Magnificent. I agree on all points. So powerful, helpful and well done. Love your style of teaching and that you share your invaluable knowledge with humor.
I've cried so much while watching this video. It sucks so much to be a broken person and not knowing what to do with yourself (most of the videos are only about how to notice and avoid narcissists, not how to fix them). I never wanted to be such a broken person, for my whole life I thought that I was normal or at least slightly weird, I'm so tired of myself and my empty life where every single person I cherish leaves me sooner or later (not talking about lovers, it's friends, coworkers, good acquaintances and even some relatives, even though I was trying to give back, even if in a mechanical-not-loving-way, because I have no idea what a normal person feels and how).
Thank you very much for this video. It's easier to live with a thought there's a chance to cure self, even when it has a lot of "if"s and chances are slim.
It's a bit sad that this vid is from 4 years ago and the majority of the recent videos are mostly about how to torture or beat narcissists.
Hey, I too had narcissitic - anti social behaviours, I was looking for a role model whom I could look up to, objective morality ( the main issue of narcissism is calling good as evil and evil as good). I found Christ. Started following him. He is tuning me to be social even if threatened with death.He is a great God.
Just think if everyone decides to have their way in what they want the world will go down. In biblical terms, Narcissist steal good fruits such as love. Joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self control, goodness and faithfulness. I guess you have the passion to be a good person and you have not hardened your heart, so there is still light in you. Repent and surrender to the Almighty God. Seek his help.
Do not worry about your past sins, you can start as a new creature after he forgives you.He sends his holy spirit to help us mature in the Lord. Commit yourself to get rid of your evil ways. May the lord be with you.
@@juliegeorge6227 I'm not ready to turn to the God just yet. It'd feel like bargaining (I give you my following, you give me X ), I don't feel anything and mechanical visiting of church without any feelings doesn't seem right. It'd be a play-pretend at best, since you cannot just flip a switch of feel/not feel or believe/not believe. If I'm destined to come to the God, it'll happen naturally in due time. Thank you for your kind reply.
@@LightningDolt999 I understand. You are welcome!
Thank you!! I didn’t quite understand how I was being a Narcissist or why. This video had a lot of great points. You basically described me. I had a dismissive father and my mom constantly told me I was the best and couldn’t do anything wrong. My relationship with my mom was transactional and I avoided my dad because nothing I ever did was right or good enough. 🤯 This video gave me a perspective that I may be able to work from, thank you!!
"Don't rise too high" was a lightbulb moment for me.
Me too!!!
@@d.williams6783 Yes. Heaven forbid kids and their ideas/thoughts become too "lofty".
@@robinrevell5873 Oh dear! Exactly the same here! I am 54 and still my mother critizes that I have a Master in Biology. "You never knew where your place was." Her words. I never understood why I have parents who always wanted me small, unsuccessful, poor and stupid. Why the worst crap was still too good for me. Now I understand. They are both narcs who made my life miserable.
@@d.williams6783 Oh my, that was exactly the phrase in my family as well. For me it wasn't just my mom that kept pushing me back down but two much older sisters, that were more functionally like close aunts than sisters, as well... it was a real theme in our family.
Explains perfectly why my narc ex started getting the same probs she formerly had with me only now with our kids once they got to a "better" secondary school than she visited. 🙄
This is one of the clearest and actually, most compassionate descriptions of NPD I have come across. I work as a counsellor with, more specifically, women who struggle with codependency issues. They are often participants in online communities that demonise NPD, and have very split reactions to their "Narcs". Obviously relationship with NPD is painful and dangerous, but serves sometimes to deflect the attention from the cleints' own issues. Your description of point 5 is exactly the work I find myself doing with my clients- externalising the superego and building the ego through exploring philosophy and values. Also with myself! Thank you for sharing this.
I don't ever remember getting a 'well done' for anything, I didn't realise that wasn't normal!
me too
@EmmaHarrop I totally get that. I remember being in a heated conversation with my mother and I blurted out, that for just once, she could tell me she was proud of me. She got quiet, looked into my eyes and said “but I am not”. I cut ties with her in 2008.
@@MsTygame Wow, she really laid her cards on the table there didn't she. I am proud of you for surviving being raised by someone so cold. You will do the opposite with your own family.
@@elharrop cold is the best description for her. I remember her crying one time during my entire childhood. Because she saw crying as weakness, she drilled that into me. I was scolded and usually punished for it. I am 48 years old and I have difficulty crying to this day. When you said you didn’t realize that you didn’t realize that wasn’t normal- I didn’t either. I was at my friend’s house and I blurted out that my mother would often say she wishes she never had me. The horror in everyone’s eyes were unforgettable. Luckily I spent most of my weekends with my best friend’s family and I was able to see normal functioning family dynamics and the unconditional love between mother and child.
@@MsTygame You didn't deserve any of that but it will probably help to see her as wounded rather than inherently evil. You have broken the cycle of generational abuse by choosing to heal rather than to harm, you are making the world a better place with your empathy and awareness
I always come back to this video and a few others when I’m slipping. I have high narcissistic traits but didn’t realise it until my relationship ended after almost 8 years and a LOT of fights. Working with my therapist I finally started to see the light. I can see what caused my traits, what has been keeping them there (strangely thought I got this from my dad but I’m 99% sure this is my mum now)
I’m also seeing how my ex ended up codependent with borderline traits, highly narcissistic mother who is constantly competing with her, treats her like a friend and isn’t emotionally there for her.
I really beat myself up for months and months thinking I was a terrible human and had no hope, I do think I have made massive strides towards improving and feel a lot more connected to other people. I see how when I reached out to family members when I was struggling they were actually keeping me where I was and as my therapist says “you’ll never heal that wound asking for it from your parents because they couldn’t do it the first time”
I’ve felt constant guilt throughout my life and when I started to improve each time I ended up running back to the family. I felt I owed them a debt, for being anxious and ill, I’ve had money taken from me when I wasn’t earning myself but as my dad said “you said this was my wage so I want paying” even though brexit had happened, he wasn’t working any hours and I wasn’t even taking a salary from my business at that time. I was often told “if it wasn’t for you we would be off doing other things and happy” and when I confronted my parents and said I needed you when I was a kid, I was shit scared, crying, anxious and you just threatened me and drove me to the middle of nowhere and threatened to abandon me if I didn’t stop crying and go to bed. It didn’t dawn on me some of the abuse that happened when I was a kid until about 8 years into therapy, I just thought I was a bad kid and a burden.
Anyone suffering on the cptsd spectrum hold tight and try to unravel all of the stuff that you went through as a kid, I didn’t even realise it was wrong. Only as I stepped back I saw how enmeshed and unhealthy my family was and for 38 years I thought I caused it.
Keep up the good work
Danny (recovering narcissist )
Wooow that sooo courageous of uuuu,,,, how u got convinced that’s there is something wrong with u and u need therapy,,, usually nars dont ever admit it nor see it 😢
Thank you for sharing this, man.
Hi Danny. I can relate a lot with your past childhood. Although never physically abandoned in a place or asked to go to bed, there was a hum of “if you don’t do..., this will happen”. I think I cowered most of my school days and only in college when I got a little more freedom to be myself.
Hope you’re doing well in therapy. Not sure when I’ll ever start mine.
Well done for being so advanced in your recovery.. debt, bad kid and burden... yeah, I believed it too
Keep up the good work
Omg I'm only 6 minutes in but so far a resounding yes. Since I started reading "From Surviving to Thriving" I felt that my former partner has CPTSD and his narcissist tendencies stemmed from his childhood trauma. My lack of self-love also comes from my own trauma. We are mirrors for one another's mental health issues. I cannot wait to listen to the rest. Thank you!
Strangely, my ex called me today from a different phone number and asked "do you think we could start talking again"? That is something a teenager would say in my opinion. When I told him NO, he hung up on me. He is 38 years old and this tells me he is never going to grow up or change. You have helped me so much figuring out what the heck was wrong with this man I fell in love with and the healing process from a narcissist relationshit!
Thank you for this video. It was brilliant as was the last one on co dependency. Hats off to you , I can see the sincerity in you of wanting to help people. May you always be happy and at peace
"Nobody coming" hit hard. I have been diagnosed with CPTSD but I am having to be honest with everyone including myself that I am a narc. I need to be held accountable and cannot act out as a baby. THANK YOU for offering this information to help heal narcs and to stop further hurt towards their victims.
Everything is possible with God 🙏🏿😇
How can you label a person who has CPTSD BE A NARCISSIST?? They are simply wanting to heal in the place of non stop gaslighting and abuse. I walked away.. to heal and I have compassion towards them and I will no longer be a sacrificial lamb for their alter
@Flyfreenow I got assessed by a psychiatrist and in the end they said I had autism and cptsd. They said I don't have narcissistic personality disorder. The ego centric part of autism had me thinking I was a a hole
The father of my child I’m pretty sure has NPD. He displays all of the characteristics. I have to repeatedly lay down my boundaries with his parents to protect myself and him all the time. I know it 100% came from his parents. So when he gets a certain way with me I verbally and respectfully repeat my boundaries to him the same way I do with his parents, and I tell him to go somewhere else to calm down. That I’m not going anywhere, or abandoning him but that I will stay in a separate room until he calms down. Even if it takes days. He knows he is not allowed to treat me the way he wants to when he flips and gets the way he does sometimes. It’s been pretty hard but successful so far. Many less run ins and flip outs from him.
"Sorry it was so long"...
...mmmmm...???...i could have watched this for hours.
Thank you Richard...terrific.
I hate to see it end also!
Yes excellent video, really engaging person.
This has been the most insightful video about psychology I have recently seen.
Just by not framing a Narcissist as essentially a bad person who needs to be "gray stoned" or ignored/avoided like other experts say, but someone who needs help somehow from the bottom. Not implying that it will work, but everything starts with basic understanding of the other/self then we build up.
Like a comment I saw below, came here to discover more about my partner when, in reality, I learned way more about myself.
Plus, a personal confirmation (insight) that philosophy may be the essence of life.
Please, let us know how you went back and paid a price because of this video which appeals to the broken hearts of those on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse.
This is by far the best video I have seen on this subject. I always felt sorry for my narc when he was at his worst. He wears his childhood wounds on his sleeve and doesn't even know it. I wish happiness and healing for him
Thanks for this video, I was diagnosed with narcissism some days ago so I've been looking for information about, and this video truly opened my eyes about this condition, also the last part was amazing, it's really not our desire to hurt others, it's just incidental, so it's time to stop all the shit that other videos and experts talk about us, and better try to find solutions for us and you are the only person in all TH-cam that really brings an explanation that make sense and also show a path to find a solution that is actually posible to follow, I'm so thankful with you, from the bottom of my heart for this video, and I'm really committed to heal from this condition and really begin to have a real life experience, not the bizarre interpretations of my unregulated super ego.
how are you doing with the process? I think I'm a narcissist and I'm very scared
Hi , did you see any progress, any recovery ??
I've been experiencing a jealous attack from a supervisor at my job do to me persuing, only the idea, I shared with him, of a possible management position. After not understanding his, way overly, cruel and hurtful actions & words towards me, I researched possible reasons for these, unrealistic to me, actions & everything pointed to narcissism along with his hate for his parents & childhood. You are the first TH-camr to address this issue like a good, decent human being who loves & wants to help others. I have not yet attempted to utilize your, angelic like hypothesis, but I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for trying help others to help & possibly save people's lives. 👍😎👍
Babies always look to adults to see if they should cry! That's so true. It's a challenge, but if the parent can chill even if an injury LOOKS bad, often it's not and the kid is fine. 😄
I realized today that I am a covert narcissist. And thanks to this video, I also realized that I have already, in a way, started my journey to healing. I cannot describe how it feels like to finally understand why you have been hurting all your life. My pendulum has been swinging so violently from one side to the other that even I myself haven´t been able to keep up with it. I don´t know if I can ever really recover, but I sure as hell will try my all. I am sick and tired of hurting myself and others over and over again.
KiwiStyle hy
This is wonderful ❣️❣️👍 good job
Did u manage to change any behaviour workout treatment
How’s your healing going ?
Hi , did you see any progress, any recovery ??
Remember When you talk to a narcissist your not communicating with the everyday person.
You are communicating to their super ego.
Don't treat them like a normal person.
Or a person at all, after all the word “humanity” describes more than the word “ human”…narcs qualify for “human” biologically but “humanity” is something they will never have “
1
: compassionate, sympathetic, or generous behavior or disposition : the quality or state of being humane” because they have no empathy and see themselves not as one of other humans but rather apart from, better than, godlike etc. They may as well be an alien or an intelligent trained animal waiting together someone alone to eat them because it makes them feel much more godlike. Well I hope the evil alien mothership comes for them soon because they aren’t human. A small part of them used to be, maybe a small scared, shriveled barely alive 5% of them that’s kept locked deep down….that part is horrific and sad. I mortified my family x once and it was the saddest 10 minutes of witnessing this remaining bit of humanity. It wanted to die and I wanted it for her…then the narc recovered and took everything I loved and had worked for, the people I loved most, my innocence and ignorance. Fuck em
1:00:56
I'm so grateful that someone is looking at a narcissist from a place of compassion instead of all the others videos that just condemn them I am a narcissist in recovery and it's hard to find help like this.
Absolutely brilliant! It’s like demonic possession literally the evil super ego has to be exorcised.
So glad you are making accessible what Institutions of Psychology hold as too mysterious and precious to be shared with the ordinary consumer. Based on your discussion of ego parts, I highly recommend Richard Schwartz's Internal Family Systems Therapy which identifies and integrates different parts of self. Would love your take on it. From a U.S. therapist in the trenches.
Hi Susan, when it comes to psychology I’m very much for the redistribution of (intellectual) wealth. Many have recommended him over the years and the snippets I’ve seen look great, if I get time I’ll look into it.
Well done for hanging in there. Your services will certainly be needed in the next few years we face!
There is no one like him on TH-cam. Not even Dr. Ramani comes close to the wealth of information that Richard Grannon provides.
Now my favorite You tube video ever. It explains this better than anyone ever has to me. Takes away the anger, mine and helps me see what I felt in him all along.
this video is absolutely amazing. A rare gem for truly helping those who have had childhood trauma.
People must have told you , I reiterate, you've done your homework. Thank you for choosing this direction.👏
I really appreciate the effort and thought that you put into this. In the first minutes of watching it I began to cry because I see myself on what you are describing. I know that I became a narcissist because I noticed this attitude from other people and I searched it before. I've been so cruel to other people, I notice myself doing it but I can't stop doing it for the past few months. I feel satisfied doing it and I feel that people don't deserve anything from me or in life. I get mad when they don't do what I wanted them to do, I will give them a cold shoulders. Always pointing fingers and never will be wrong. I love seeing people leaving no choice but to agree with me. I push them into their limits to get what I want. I see them as lower than I am and I put them down. I listen to respond. I get mad when being corrected because I feel that I am always right. I reflected it just today and I realize that I got this from constantly feeling that nobody appreciate for the things I do and no body helps me to do it. They're just watching me do it by myself. Especially my parents they give more thanks to my brother more than to me when in fact I did more chores in the house. I feel like nobody really understands me. I became agressive towards them. I tried to stop it but when if remember all the hurt that I once felt I can't stop myself from acting like it. Nevertheless, I just really want to say thank you for doing this kind of video just for free. You save someone's life by doing it. I'm glad that I found this. More power to you and your channel.
If you want to attempt healing get the book that he mentions (C-PTSD Surviving Through Thriving). It sounds like you have two very harsh critics (your “inner” and “outer” critics). You can learn to shrink these critics using the anger you were never allowed to express as a child, thought-stopping techniques, and grief work. You’re stuck in a critic-loop scenario. Your harsh inner critic causes you to strive for perfection, and because of this you resent those who don’t do this. Your outer critic is trying to save you from the dangerous feeling of socializing; your inner critic tells you how inadequate you are to socialize with people in the first place, which then causes the outer critic to remind you how horrible people are for causing you to feel so inadequate (when really it’s not others causing you to feel this way, it is coming from your outer critic). From you! But you blame others. This is why/how narcissists project their negative feelings on to others.
i feel i am the scape goat in my family . .I also like you have been co dependant , and had a string of bad relationships . God bless you for helping people it is so great to see a genuine person who is not appearing on you tube for his own ego
Love you Richard! I will never forget your buddy Sam Vaknin speaking of his early days of sadistic abuse at home - trying to make sense of it all attending University just a little child being put on the pe-dest'-al ....( what a total mind bender; I can not even imagine the pain & confusion) - Hell is for Children - and you're help in healing these traumas is more than this world can ever ask for. And we thank you!
You are the FIRST ever to speak the truth about what I have struggled to understand about being overweight as a form of protection (as in repulsive) from unwanted attention for my physical body.
Only today have I begun to have some sense of resignation that it is some form of "disordered" good (paradoxical/oxymoronic) state.
At my age and my state of physical decline I have not given up, but I am given out (exhausted) in the unrelenting struggle which is been so many times proven to beyond my ways and means.
Again and again, thank you and the gift you are and the gifts you are give which you give to us!!!
Jeanne I ve directly increases my weight after a sexual assault 18nonths ago. I knew in the bk of my mind I was doing it on some subconscious level, as for the same reasoning (unwanted attention socially. Mine was in shops, streets, etc) I would pick my skin or try to look awful in some manner of ways. I imagine it must have been hellish not knowing why we do these things to cover or hide our vulnerability until we feel better. Or acclimatise. Well done. I ve still got 2 dress sizes to drop. Just looks worse because I'm short lol. Take care and we'll done. ✌️❤️💪🙏🏴
If u havent, give clean keto a go
Takes 2 months of hell, but so worth it. Once i was fully adapted, i was nvr hungry n yet i started worrying about how fast i was losin weight! I was on the diet for medical reasons, paleoketo with AIP principles.
I just started it again
For me iv hidden myself n made myself unappealing baggy scruffy clothes hair no makeup masculine etc as well as picked my skin. Fullon self neglect xD
That too has had its long term consequences
I wont regrow my teeth xD
Yes, I did this too & also food seems to be the thing that made me feel good whilst eating. Now, at 52 went on Keto & fasting & it feels good. Such a shame, I wish I knew about it when I was younger.
This resonated deeply with me as well.
I had the same experience being overweight makes u look formidable and unappealing and is a form of protection. Oprah had an episode years ago about how more than 50% of abused children become overwt and obese adults. It has to do with the vagal inervation around mouth, the act of eating calms through the vagus, hence the subsequent drama in life. god bless you stay strong.
In my family, the narcissists have a severe fear of abandonment, and accuse people of being and doing what they hate about themselves, and shame is a big theme with them.
that's bpd i think (well sounds more like it)
There's no need to rush, and no one minds that the video is long. We need to know all of this, and it's very complicated. Thank you for making these.
Sometimes, its like music to listen to you Richard! This is such a video!
Great once again, and so good to listen to.
Ive met a lot of grownup "sad babys", really spoiled to have it their controlled ways, only, some parts of my life ;)
Got very tired on that. Co-deps and Narcs have had same sort of childhood wounds, but took it differently.
Its very clear, from all your vids. Great to listen, to someone, not so squared into one view only. Thanks
I learned much later in life babies actually recognized facial expressions very early. Will always try to make mum and da feel better. Even joining their hands together to unite them. Babies are just pure love and know instinctively what it should not only appear to be, but the vibe/body language and also facial expressions even on the micro scale
Honestly this was the most insightful helpful thing I've ever heard regarding my issues. As someone progressing through my cptsd/npd your insights on developing the ego are right on track with the therapy and self reflection I've been doing.
I've lived with the narcissistic behavior of my mate for 13 yrs and I totally agree with you. It's so difficult! Thank you for sharing. Your helping me to break through the brick wall of victimization. There's so much gas lighting going on, it's sometimes hard to grasp. 👍 🌼
I hope narcissists listen this vlog so that they will heal and their life will become better and they won't hurt other people again.
Richard, I am so grateful for discovering your work, it is a real gem for me. I was missing the "Part 3" in my awakening/healing journey so hard. Now everything has so much sense and logic. You have opened my eyes. Be more confident with your work, you are doing it really great. God bless you!
To everybody: Do not underestimate the power of the clear intention of someone to conscious/heal/grow.
Hey Alex. I'm from the Netherlands. Sorry for my bad English.. I hope you understand me. Buth do I understand it right that you are/were a narcist? And are you healed because of this video or something? Or am wrong?
I'm 58 years old and have realized for the first time in my adult life that I have NPD. Someone recently told me I was narcissistic and of course anger kicked in, so I researched and yes , I am narcissistic. I cried and thought...is there a cure, what causes this and I've got to overcome this. Seeing this video has made me realize that growing up my siblings and I felt like burdens to our parents, and I realize this is why I long for flattery and attention, especially from my husband. I've always had low self esteem, and battled depression, moodiness and anger issues. I'm going to continue watching your videos and do some serious soul searching to overcome this yoyo of an existence. Thank you Richard.
Check out Dr. George Simon too then.
He's had great success with "character disturbed" individuals (as he calls them)
Good luck❤
Christi
You are not an NPD, NPD dont have self awareness whatsoever.
Thank you Richard: you are a pioneer in this area.
Absolutely
As always Richard gives the most accurate, clearest and fairest explanations. We are in an age where we have access to information and can really start to learn and understand just what is going on for a lot of people and why. Thank goodness we can rely on an authentic source here.
Richard, you do not have any competition, your superlativety is unmatched, thank you so much.
While listening to what you were talking about philosophy, a thought came to my mind, that philosophy can be a form of reparenting yourself.
I have C-PTSD from having a narcissistic mother, and I have emotional flashbacks, that manifest as somatic pain, and I've had two episodes of dissociation, all of this was from information from my counselling sessions, that made me aware of what was happening, I was completely disconnected from my inner child, as I was never allowed to show any emotions, if I did I would be physically and mentally punished for doing so, so I pushed all of my emotions deep down inside myself, which then physically hurt myself instead, and they came back out as physical pain, somatic pain, so I had to learn my emotions, what each of them are as an adult, which was extremely difficult, but I have nearly completed all of that work. And in regards to right and wrong, when I was a very small child, I made the decision that whatever she did was wrong, then the opposite of that must be correct, and that's how I survived when I was a child.
Disinterested Mother that demanded to be called Dorothy and Father who confided in me at a young age that he didn't know how to deal with her, and then love was only about performance in anything, to the point that when I asked my sister in law she said I was a 'solutionist'. Now I have retired that doesn't work, as that expression of Love has no meaning to my very real wife. Thank you for this year's work which I take on. DP
What about the love between you and your father?
This is a rare video that I need. I am a narcissist and I wanted to change my personality and behavior. Thank you for taking the time in making this video
I love how you didn't apologise for things that aren't your responsibility. I find it so confusing and uncomfortable when people do that, and it's a breath of fresh air for you to be straightforward, thank you
That made a few puzzle pieces fall into place, Richard. Thanks very much for sharing this knowledge, appreciate it mate.
phenomenal, amazing, I now understand so much more about the ex and his behaviours. This is also so sad for the narcs, I didn't expect to feel sympathy but I do, whilst still being relieved I escaped :D
Omg same!
This is one of your best videos! Thanks Richard, this is helping! Greets from Romania and Berlin
This is the most refreshing video on narcissism I've ever seen. My life has become hell and I'm starting to realize it may be because of narcissism that I couldn't call narcissism (& embrace it enough to really dig into healing). I couldn't believe I am too much of a narcissist because I do very much have emotions and care about others and so many "experts" claim narcissists don't have those. There's also not much talk about narcissist recovery. It's damning and shaming. Tragically self fulfilling prophecy. Really, all I need is someone to explain how to recover. I have a counselor, so I can get at least that outside viewpoint from someone who is trained. Getting help and encouragement that it's possible is a huge deal. I don't want to give up or feel powerless anymore. And I don't want to teach my children narcissism anymore. Obviously, they aren't narcissists because they are children, but I know I struggle partially because of the cues I've taken from my own parents and family in their brokenness. But my parents and family can't, won't and shouldn't have to fix me. It's my responsibility, which is actually a relief because I don't want to have to rely on others so heavily anymore. I'm going to read that book and follow your channel and talk to my therapist and do trauma processing.
I love your channel! 🙏💗 I really appreciate the insightful hypotheses you share. It’s refreshing to see someone who doesn’t just repeat what they hear but brings a deep, integrated understanding of the dynamics at play.
This gave me more clarity as I have have been struggling with doubts about the turmoil in my 4 month marriage. I was discarded...he filed for divorce. I knew he had childhood trauma and struggled emotionally. I experienced the idealization and devaluation in such a short time. So confusing and disheartening...and I still feel bad for him...I know I need to focus on my own healing...
Yes I’ve seen the pendulum swing with the grandiose narc. Wow, this made CPTSD, Codependency and Narcissism make so much sense now. Thank you!!!!!
I watched this video without a blink of an eye, thinking that it cannot be longer than 20 minutes. I looked at the tab and it showed the 49th minute.. and I was already crying. I am the narcissist, not the victim. I started to laugh at some of the things you said for them being so much on point, but that laughter turned into a stressful shaking, then to breathing depression, and then to full blown crying. Richard, every sentence you utter in this video is unbelievably on point, and I believe watching this has already changed my life.. Thank you for all the efforts and the immense thinking you put in this video, I'm shocked and terrified at the same time. Still wiping my tears btw... Thank you
By far the BEST info on NPD I’ve ever heard. Thank you!
I haven't seen such a productive, informative and preserving the dignity of all participants video on this topic until now.. I feel healed more and more with each minute !! And see hope for the people around me.. And forgiveness.. Such a blessing!! Thank you, Richard, for your efforts! May you be blessed in your work. Regards
@ 33:05 .... that's exactly what my ex would do. He couldn't be a good person with problems like everyone else, in his mind, he was all good/the best or all bad/the worst. He would swing between imagining himself perfect and being soooooooo down on himself that he would get depressed. There was/is no medium. It didn't matter what I said or how I said it or even who said it. Me trying to "help him" turned out to be extremely toxic in it's own right. I don't think lay people who are entangled with the narc can help them. I think those of us who go on a mission to help the narcissist we love, no matter how well intentioned, we will not only fail but we will make it exponentially worse. You can't help people who either don't believe they have any flaws or who swing the polar opposite direction and fall into a state where they imagine themselves worthless and therefore, helpless. Even if they hit a rock bottom and decide to seek help, it's short lived and still superficial. The moment their therapist starts fluffing thier ego, they go right back to believing it's ok to hurt people and they're perfect. The very idea that we, as lay people, have any ability to help narcissists heal is toxic codependency in and of itself imo. We can only help ourselves and in the event that the narc asks for our help, we can direct them to resources and professionals. That's it. Don't get your hopes up and don't allow what appears to a come-to-Jesus moment to farther break down your boundaries. Giving minimal effort to fix themselves doesn't give them a license to keep abusing you. Let them fix thier shit on their own... you're not thier mom or their doctor or their therapist.
I'd give a million thumbs up on this one if I could! 👍🏾🎉💯
Yup. I swear all the 'help' I gave, which to anyone else would be suportive, frustrated him terribly as he hated his flaws being pointed out all the time. Crushing to him. I even have a suicide note from him half about me, thankfully he didn't die. Big wakeup call how my 'help' was recieved / perceived on the other side. I was addicted to fixing and eventually admitted the toxicity was reciprical. He reports feeling so much more balanced since I left. Said he is going for help, but I no longer press it. In the end best thing is to leave him alone.
I think you can help actually... people just typically don't do it the right way, and their own issues get caught up and make it difficult, since it's a romantic relationship, not a mentorship or therapy session constantly. I don't see why you can't help your partner though.
You are unbelievable right omg! I have started this "ego fixing" on my own intuition for a while now. Thank you so much for this video. I must say tiny improvement starts showing.
I cried when I found this video. I have 2 NPD's in my life, an ex and a current boyfriend and of course, being an empath, have never been able to just accept that they are sick, demonized people that I should just give up on. I suffer from C-Ptsd so I understand where they are coming from and your video just confirmed a lot of the things my intuition has told me about them and it gives me hope that I can at least live with a better understanding of their condition and act accordingly and maybe someday they will be open to learning how to heal themselves. In the meantime, this information will help me to act differently in response to their behaviors and with more compassion and understanding.
Awesome! You really show the struggle you went through to get gnosis with your bodylanguage and fascial expressions. This is atleast hard earned gold.
I was so glad to see this because there are certain doctors and professionals on-line who have so much animosity towards them but no answers for them, although they admit that narcissism is a personality disorder. I refuse to listen to them - anyone can whine but if you are a trained professional, provide some solutions please.
This is brilliant thanks so much I thought there's no hope.. I'm cptsd and he's narcissist cptsd due to childhood trauma. We're both aware and trying to work on it to be together.
I'm a codependent that was involved with a narcissist. I'm so glad I found these videos because I did connect with the narcissist on a human level. He did tell me after a 3 year passionate relationship that he wasn't going to lie to me and tell me he loved me, he couldn't even tell me he liked me. He also told me that he couldn't trust and he would never be happy. He done so much crap that I went no contact 8 months ago. If I ever have to seem him again, I'm wondering if he would want to know he's a narcissist. Some parts of my relationship with him was talking with him about his childhood trauma. When I went no contact I felt like I disowned my child. I should hate this person but instead I have pity on him. I won't take him back but I don't think it's fair that he was abused as a child. I don't know if it's wise to try and get him help buy I do think I should show and tell him about this video so maybe he can understand himself.
Thank you for theses wonderful video, I'm sure your education helps educate people on this disorder.
If you continue to help him it might hurt him if you truly have no intention of going back to him. Just an idea.
It’s not your job, it’s his. Women needs to stop giving too much.
It could help him, only if he trys to get you back in his life and tell him, you will only consider it if he watches some of these videos.. I don't know, that may sound like bribery or manipulation, but after the pain he caused you, it just may be the karmic lesson he needs.🙏💙☮️💕
Relationships with narcissists can work. But it has to be the right chemistry. I would say that my narcissism is a state of mind that gets triggered in certain situations. As long as your partner does not trigger you then it’s fine.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate someone else saying that. I don't know what's best in your case. In my case, it would probably be absolutely useless but I have the same instinct. Good luck.
I really believe if I’m not a narcissist, I definitely have a lot of the tendencies. I can relate to almost everything he’s saying. I’ve been working so so hard to change the way I behave and treat others. Thank you for posting!!
My Vulnerable Narc made me realize that Narcissism is a more severe version of Codependency. Therefore, I think it can be treated similar way. I’m a Codependent and here is a list of similarities:
1) Damaged fragile self esteem/shame (afraid to say no, have to pretend for people to like and accept you)
2) Need love and validation for self esteem (external sourse)
3) Enmeshed relationship
4) Idealization and discard. Trying to change a person into your fantasy and then become disappointed (I know many codependents that idealized their parnter)
5) High sensitivity
6) Addictions
It’s the shame that needs to be addressed and cured in both cases
I know that Inner critic work definitely helped me with my self esteem
I think is the video that we really all need Richard, yes maybe narcissists are extremely harmful and abusive but everyone who does this sort of harm to others has been harmed severely themselves.
I really wish to believe if we can break through the delusions to find the light that all of us can find a way to heal... One saying... a simple one I once heard is that Hurt people, hurt people and it couldn't be more truthful in the case of narcissism.
I've been accused of being one of the major disorder and real self reflection has taken a terrible toll and amount of energy to simply process my way through the steps of realigning my self perception with reality, and among that not being overly focused on how I or others perceive themselves.
I'm under no delusion that I've suddenly done away with these tendencies as these feelings and thoughts can come in swings and arcs but I do think every journey requires its first steps.
Anyways, thank you for making this video. It's not easy to come to terms with reality but it's something we will eventually all face when the time comes for that reckoning.
I firmly believe that narcissist behaviour can be altered. I have DID, and one of my personas is a narcissist. But that part of me has learned to „do the opposite of what she would naturally do“.
This is one of the most fascinating comments ive ever read.
Oh my goodness Richard! I have followed you for years and this is absolutely your best and most in depth description of what I have learned firsthand and through freakin extensive research. I love your work and you have made an indelibly positive impact on my life. I so wish you all that is good and peaceful in this life!!
Im a physcology major and my goal when I finally earn my degree is to put more focus on narcissism and make the world realize this is an issue and these people can be helped but they need to want help and need to realize they have an issue...
If you ever have a free moment I would love to maybe talk to you or communicate with you via email or how ever to get some of your ideas and veiw points for a thesis paper
how can you even say that it was not the easy watch(in the end), when literally this was like all i have been looking for my whole life now...oh my god I cant even thank you enough for this..the way you have made it all so clear ...it is today me thanking you and universe....thankyou so much this all is so much appreciated. you dont even know how much it has helped me. Thankyou....also on my way to create an ego for my super ego...an agent for executive functionalities. Thankyou so much Richard. heres a covert narc (ik not a good term)...who has been working on self for years now not knowing this was all a part of the problem...recently got to know that i was n narc tooo...and here I am on the journey of improving self...you really did give me a lot of answers for my childhood which i didnt even know i needed answers for.
This is where parenting education in society and the importance of early learning goes hand in hand I believe fond your video very informative thankyou.
Richard, thanks for making this video. I’m three quarters the way through the video and feel I just have to say that so far you are describing me exactly.
After a traumatic experience a few days ago and a massive row with my wife of 46 years, I’m trying to find a way forward for my NPD.
Thanks again