How to stop unconsciously performing for men (bye male validation, hi self-love)
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 มิ.ย. 2024
- How to stop unconsciously performing for men.
I have created a Decentering Men and Self-Love programme for women - if you'd like to learn more, feel free to reach out via email at alessia.sutherberry@hotmail.co.uk and ask for details. ❤️
Business inquiries ~ alessia.sutherberry@hotmail.co.uk
My Instagram ~ alessiasuth...
Video Chapters:
00:00 - Coming up
02:06 - You're not like other girls.
03:48 - Oh no, you're not into
astrology are you?
14:04 - Stop performing for men.
17:28 - Playing dumb.
23:28 - No really, you're smart!
💘💘💘💘 insta 💗💗💗💗~ alessiasuth... - แนวปฏิบัติและการใช้ชีวิต
The segment about how we dim our intellect when around men reminded me of those pinterest memes that are like "girls will call themselves dumb but literally hold a phd in something" which isn't to say that a certificate measures how smart someone is but I always thought those were funny cause it's so true. So many women I know are incredibly intelligent but they don't believe they are because of conditioning. I also relate so much to what you said about what your success is; having a community of like minded women. I'm on that same journey
"So many women I know are incredibly intelligent but they don't believe they are because of conditioning" - so so true lovely.
I wish you all the best on your journey to your own personal idea of success! ❤🥰 xo
“Their discomfort doesn’t need to be yours”
❤❤❤❤
I thought about a guy I dated who always seemed annoyed by shows I watched. I remember an episode of Real Housewives was on TV and I was casually watching it. He actually said "why do you watch this? I don't want you looking at stuff like this." He thought that me seeing an episode a week of Real Housewives was going to make me start acting like them😂 yet he could play video games for hours a day and I never said anything about that.
I talked to my friends after I broke up with him that it was over Real Housewives and they thought that was kind of over the top but it wasn't about that. It was about him trying to control what I watched, which will eventually lead to him wanting to control other things and also the fact that he couldn't trust my judgement. Thinking I was going to be brainwashed by watching reality TV. Meanwhile, I was more responsible than him in most aspects of my life
I bet your story is super relatable to so many women. Honestly I totally understand why his anger towards you watching reality TV prompted you to end things with him - especially if your gut was telling you 'this is only the beginning.' Go you for listening to that inner voice! 👏 ❤💖
It is so true the fact that when we share our opinions with a group of women, we feel validated and heard. However, when we do the same thing with a group of men, it can be intimidating and scary. It feels like we are constantly in fight or flight mode because they are usually triggered by something or the other and argue without really listening to what we have to say. We feel like we have to constantly prove our opinions to them. I wish they could be more open to our opinions, emotions, or anything we say for that matter.
One guy argued with me because I ate a piece of his birthday cake (that I got him) for breakfast! He wanted me to be so healthy like him.
Another guy asked me how many men I'd slept with and tried to shame me for having slept with more men that he would have liked....
Hence why years later, I'm still single!
LOVED the part on "don't make men's discomfort your own" !! I regularly fall into being a complete boring, toned-down, inauthentic, hollow version of myself when talking to certain men! Particularly when feeling uncomfortable/self conscious etc. Thank you for making this video, and the rest of your videos!
Wondering if you could make one detailing some specific, everyday actions we can take (mental, physical, whichever) to work towards de-centring men and living for ourselves? Thank you
So true. Just becoming aware of it :). I also recognize it more, when my body says I feel uncomfortable around particular men. When I was younger I thought it was a sign of having a crush, but now I know, it is just what it is. When I'm feeling uncomfortable, there is pretty often a reason for it, even when I dont know it yet. I gave myself the allowance to trust in my gut instincts more in relation to meeting new people in general, that felt really empowering:).
What a powerful realisation to have my lovely. I am so so happy to hear that you've felt empowered to trust your gut instincts more. That inner voice knows us best. 💘💘💘💘
Yes! 💕💕
The part about that’s what makes you beautiful! I remember trying so hard to not know I was beautiful to be seen as beautiful as a little girl and to be picked by one direction or my dream guy oh no. But years later I listened back to my childhood playlist and i felt off about that line, so I changed the lyrics to “you know you’re beautiful, that’s what makes you beautiful “ as an affirmation. Don’t need that old message swimming around in my subconscious lol 😂
I remember internalizing this and shifting my personality around it to some extent 😆 I took it as advice
@@cecehectori9579 it was a trap I tell you a trap!🤣
Such an important and empowering message for women. I love affirmations and here are some of my takeaways from your amazing video!
✨I am strong, intelligent, powerful, beautiful, creative, and assertive
✨I am confident in expressing my opinions, passions and interests
✨I am proud of my intellect and am able to engage in conversation and share my learning
✨I embrace discomfort and do not filter or adjust who I am to make men feel comfortable
✨I choose partners who are secure, emotionally intelligent, curious and open-minded
Girl this constant need for male validation has me in a chokehold. It also invokes so much shame because I’m self aware enough to see myself doing it and I understand it’s patriarchy but it happens so automatically 😞. I find myself suppressing my authentic self and performing / people pleasing for them. I’m giving myself compassion because I understand it may take some time because it’s deeply ingrained in us but I have hope I’ll overcome this, hopefully sooner rather than later.
I remember going on a date with a guy who was irritated that I beat him in bowling. He did not like it and made it clear. He wanted to be the "man," and me being better at things (even bowling!) made him insecure. It is safe to say I ended things with him.
I didn't want to be with someone who needed me to "dim" myself or change to fit his needs, and I wouldn't want that for him either. It was a great lesson that led me to choose the path of self-love and being myself rather than seeking male validation. Great video! :)
Omggoshh "often to make men around us comfortable we have to get very unconfortable" really hit me... Why would women need to be the one unconfortable
i havent thought about the “passive beauty” thing and how it is harmful because I definitely do this! Thank you for these reminders Alessia Im working on feeling in control
You are more than welcome my lovely! 🥰
I love how you have bird sounds as the background. I’ve been listening to bird sounds nearly every morning for many weeks now, so soothing!
Aw thank you for noticing the bird sounds my lovely 💗💘 they are the best sound! xxx
Hey ALessia! Loved it as usual. I just noticed an amgry man commenting for attention. It is a sign your videos are making it big!
Aw hello my love ❤💕 Thank you for your motivating words 😅❤
YES YES YES!!!!!!! Another insightful video Lessie, go girl!!!!!😍❤" I want you to be hopeful because there are people that are going to see your sparkle, and not be intimidated, but actually be intrigued and curious" - Alessia - such lovely words ❣
Aw thank you so much my precious girly xxx 😘
I love the way you speak on this topic! personally, I don't suffer from male validation too much, hopefully (maybe cause I'm not interested in them), but sometimes we can face quite the same things from misogynistic women around us. so, your video is helpful for all I think!
love your content! the video came like a surprise today!
I'm so glad you liked the video my love ❤
when you mentioned that you pretended to be interested in superhero movies to please a man you were with, i couldn’t help but immediately think of the cool girl monologue from Gone Girl and how relevant it is to so many women at this moment in time. i too have tried to be cool girl for a man like so many women, and i feel genuinely sad looking back at my attempts to stifle my personality to make a man comfortable. another brilliant video alessia! thanks so much x💓
and then when men DO think you're a cool girl because you happen to like video games, sci fi, extreme sport, things that have been traditionally considered "boys' hobbies" (barf), they think you're just game for whatever and don't have those annoying "female emotions" and are basically sub human anyway. when you're sex positive, you get seen as a fuck buddy, not "girlfriend material". you don't get any respect for being a "cool girl" anyway, just turned into another kind of trophy, so why bother?
14:06 this is so real. Working on it
go you lovely 🥰
Alessia - this is one of my favourite videos of yours ! Thank you for providing a voice and a safe space always ❤❤
What an important topic, thank you! ❤
you are moreeee than welcome my love ❤💕
Thank you for understanding me. Sending you love!
Your videos help me in such a specific way, before I felt very alone! Thank you ♥️
I loved the part when you basically had said that an inherent feeling of self doubt or inability to do much in this world is not because that is true about me, it is just what I learned while growing up ❤
Can you make a video about being drawn to/ or also mainly attracting narcissistic men? I don’t know but it feels like it plays a huge role in this whole performing/maintenance thing
Totally - thank you for the suggestion my love ❤❤
Thank you for being the best friend I needed so much❤🙏
aw my love!! this comment has made my day! thank you for being you! 💗🥰💘😘💖
Powerful video ⚡️⚡️💜💜
✨ oooo thank you! ❤
I was able to identify with the part where you talked about passively (looking around and) seeing if guys fancy me. It’s so hard to just have fun and not care about if guys like me or not. Or to even come up to them myself. Do you have any advice for that? ❤
But besides that, I really love your videos! 🥰They remind me to love me and my feminine side more. 🌷Thank you for this lovely video😘
I love your videos ❤
aw thank you my love ❤
25:00 this one
💜 💜💜
thank you from 16:46 ❤
Gives me assurance!
Lovely
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Can you tell us what feminism books you read? I need recommendations :3
As the man (Gen 1:26-28) KJV, a husband (Gen 2:21-25) and a father (Gen 3:16), the minister of God (Rom 13), teacher (Eph 4) and one of the survivors who was bullied in school, this is perfectly fine. There is a difference between the woman and girls. The woman was made to be help meet for the man. (Gen 2:18) Although, girls are females also, girls are not the same as the woman. "MADtv Angela Construction Workers" Girls do what girls do. (Zech 8) With that being said, sing it "Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Want To Have Fun (Official Video)". Class is dismissed.
Hii alessia! recenetly i have been trying to incorporate some spiritual practices into my daily life. i grew up in a catholic family, so a lot of my believes are rooted in religion "God". but since long time ago a questioned those believes and i not longer identify with many, especially for the way women have been portrayed by the church. i still believe there is some kind of force, or i like to believe, it makes me feel less alone, but i feel i dont have anything concrete and i would like to be more close to that spiritual part. do you practice any religion or do u have any spiritual practice u can share with us???
Wow that was a good unconsciously performing on this video
I love that you're putting this content out there for all of us Alessia 🤍
aw thank you for being so kind my lovely 🥰xx