Explain narcissism to others using the C.R.A.V.E.D. method

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  • เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 ก.ค. 2021
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    DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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ความคิดเห็น • 1.2K

  • @skfotedar
    @skfotedar 3 ปีที่แล้ว +593

    narcissist - someone who takes a dump on your floor, leaves and comes back 2 hours later and complains about the smell

    • @Lillith444
      @Lillith444 3 ปีที่แล้ว +88

      And blames you 🙄

    • @NicoleCamileSantosAlexandre
      @NicoleCamileSantosAlexandre 3 ปีที่แล้ว +42

      This should become a meme 🤣

    • @bahle20
      @bahle20 3 ปีที่แล้ว +21

      😂😂😂😂😂😂 I am in stitches 😂😂😂😂😂

    • @toni-leeblair5869
      @toni-leeblair5869 3 ปีที่แล้ว +23

      Great analogy...and funny! 🤭

    • @teresacotton7923
      @teresacotton7923 3 ปีที่แล้ว +14

      Perfect analogy

  • @MadisonWestfield
    @MadisonWestfield 3 ปีที่แล้ว +591

    Last night the narc in my life reached out to me begging to talk. I went no contact and blocked months ago, but he keeps using burner numbers. He was awful to me for years and when he called in his lost puppy dog voice wanting to talk I didn’t say a word and hung up, blocked and deleted the number!! I feel really proud of myself because sometimes it’s tempting to get sucked back into the chaos for some reason. But don’t do it!

    • @sparkygump
      @sparkygump 3 ปีที่แล้ว +45

      One habit I got into to avoid talking to jerks is to simply not answer any number that I don't recognize. It's a bit inconvenient but I don't have to talk to narcs and telemarketers.

    • @MadisonWestfield
      @MadisonWestfield 3 ปีที่แล้ว +25

      @@sparkygump i used to do that and I wish I could but I am my mother’s caretaker and always receiving calls from nurses and so on. Idk maybe I’ll have to change my number.

    • @Gracenglory5
      @Gracenglory5 3 ปีที่แล้ว +25

      @@sparkygump I do the same. I rarely ever answer my phone and find that most don’t leave messages so oh well! 🤷🏼‍♀️ It’s much more peaceful this way.

    • @Gracenglory5
      @Gracenglory5 3 ปีที่แล้ว +14

      @@MadisonWestfield I’d definitely change my number if I could. That would be a much easier option even with all the amount of updating I’d have to give to others. I would suggest that if you do change it and there’s common relationships in your life with him then, where possible, either infirm not to give it out or, if they aren’t healthy and safe for you to be around, don’t update them to keep you and your new number safe. Blessings to you! 🙏🏻💞

    • @abowling5759
      @abowling5759 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Way to go!

  • @MM-nl3ff
    @MM-nl3ff 3 ปีที่แล้ว +728

    Ramani, the bestfriend/parent we all needed.

    • @giraffefree6143
      @giraffefree6143 3 ปีที่แล้ว +24

      True...i add to that therapist !!!!brave woman!!!!!

    • @GigiOAH
      @GigiOAH 3 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      The Person/Therapist that can explanation the best way of a NPD!

    • @EmunahFL
      @EmunahFL 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      🙌Yaaas!🙌

    • @MM-qg5xh
      @MM-qg5xh 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Hello fellow MM! Fellow surviver!

    • @MM-nl3ff
      @MM-nl3ff 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @@giraffefree6143 So true 💪🏽

  • @NarcSurvivor
    @NarcSurvivor 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1000

    Try to spend time around people who do get it, people who do understand narcissism. It’s very unhealthy to be around people who invalidate your experience. You need to be around people who have the same level of awareness.

    • @SSJ0016
      @SSJ0016 3 ปีที่แล้ว +40

      I totally agree with this. However in a court setting, HR setting, or a mediation setting, that is not always possible. These are good tips for beating around the bush for times when using the word "narcissism" could backfire against you.

    • @lexwilson2730
      @lexwilson2730 3 ปีที่แล้ว +11

      Thank you NS...good advice

    • @kathleengarciazeas4065
      @kathleengarciazeas4065 3 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      SO true... I feel the same way.

    • @russellm7530
      @russellm7530 3 ปีที่แล้ว +31

      I don't know anyone that knows about NARCASISM other than people making TH-cam videos about it and I never talk with them.

    • @Gracenglory5
      @Gracenglory5 3 ปีที่แล้ว +23

      That’s often a dream world or an isolated one...most don’t want to get it because it is too uncontrollable, and chaotic and therefore uncomfortable and taxing. Much easier to live in their world of cognitive dissonance because it’s not their issue.

  • @crencottrell7849
    @crencottrell7849 3 ปีที่แล้ว +341

    *C - conflict (high conflict)* - narcs enjoy having someone to feud with 😯
    *R - rigid* - narcs are inflexible to progressing 😐
    *A - antagonistic* - narcs will treat you like you're their enemy/be irreconcilable 😕
    *V - vulnerable...AND vindictive* - they're vulnerable in that they can receive narcissistic injuries, and they will be vindictive as those injuries will set off narcissistic rage 🙄
    *E - entitled* - no surprise that narcs think they're more fill in the ________ than they actually are 😅
    *D - dysregulated* - narcs lack self-control and can Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde switch up on you unpredictably 😬
    *What's crazy is all those acronyms factually describe how narcs behave* 😂
    Happy Friday everyone 😁

    • @Alphalove3
      @Alphalove3 3 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      Thank you!

    • @WDBDWK
      @WDBDWK 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Thanks for doing that. It’s very helpful.

  • @Niles-Guy
    @Niles-Guy 3 ปีที่แล้ว +480

    Trying to explain to family or friends what narcissism is and the pain you suffered is like describing what it’s like being set on fire 🔥. Nobody will ever understand the experience until they experience Devils touch . Not to mention the humiliation, that awful shame of having to explain to others what you went through and allowed yourself to be abused after ignoring all the red flags 🚩. As a result , we suffer in silence 🥺

    • @provencepoppy1078
      @provencepoppy1078 3 ปีที่แล้ว +14

      Please consider going to a a 12-step recovery program such as Co-dependents Anonymous (CoDA). There are CoDA meetings all around the world, in many languages, online, phone-in, and hopefully in many countries again when the Covid19 risk is lower, in-person again soon. These are helpful, supportive places to learn, share and grow, hear the shares of other members, and find healing. CoDA is a place where people who are victims of all kinds of abuse, people just like us, can find healing and learn we are not alone. CoDA and other 12-step recovery programs are free. There is such a sense of relief to hear others and know we are not alone. Although not specific to narcissistic abuse survivors, 12-step programs like CoDA can be a life-saving. All of us survivors have a right to our own self-care, healing, and no more abuse. Sending you positive energy and healing thoughts to all here.

    • @simsimahmadi9133
      @simsimahmadi9133 3 ปีที่แล้ว +15

      Yet when I tell them.why and educate them (which is often taking so much energy)..they think I'm playing victim to denounce the narcissist. Drives me nuts

    • @onceuponatime8900
      @onceuponatime8900 2 ปีที่แล้ว +11

      You nailed it... the humiliation is rough... having to tell others around you is hard. People dont understand how hard it is to figure out a covert narcissist. By the time you do, your hearts in it deep and it's hard to walk away.

    • @villasoka884
      @villasoka884 2 ปีที่แล้ว +13

      I've started to look at it differently. I know, and if others can't get it, maybe they haven't empathy either. I know, and I know how to protect myself. Trying to convince anyone else is of no benefit to me and not worth my effort, I can be doing things I like!
      I now know my worth. Reframing it can help

    • @rcomyns4664
      @rcomyns4664 2 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      @@villasoka884 100% agree! Why waste the energy trying to explain? That just prolongs the pain. Now that the fog has lifted (thanks to Dr. R) I see clearly, I can breathe and feel joy. Cheers!

  • @rfwoolf
    @rfwoolf 3 ปีที่แล้ว +786

    C - Conflict
    R - Rigidity
    A - Antagonism
    V - Vindictiveness / Victim / Vulnerability
    E - Entitlement / Exploitativeness
    D - Dysregulation

  • @jeffmcilroy7081
    @jeffmcilroy7081 3 ปีที่แล้ว +286

    The frustrating thing for me about narcissists is that the narcissist doesn’t see themselves as the narcissist .. they see the people around them they won’t put up with their BS as being a narcissistic ones.. and they gaslight it back onto them . Very frustrating.

    • @jeffmcilroy7081
      @jeffmcilroy7081 3 ปีที่แล้ว +32

      @The Time is Now it just seems impossible to deal with someone like that.. you just can’t win

    • @susannakotoff7095
      @susannakotoff7095 3 ปีที่แล้ว +31

      Yep, that s why no contact is the only way!

    • @m.maclellan7147
      @m.maclellan7147 3 ปีที่แล้ว +25

      @@Crmsnvrgo150 same ! They treat you like crap, then wonder why you stop jumping though hoops for them !

    • @om617yota8
      @om617yota8 3 ปีที่แล้ว +22

      That was it exactly for me. I refused to let my narc parents bleed me dry, and for some reason that made me the bad person.

    • @lolab1830
      @lolab1830 3 ปีที่แล้ว +20

      @@om617yota8 I hear you on that one. Solidarity to the children who were abused and abandoned and then abused some more for not laying our lives down for our abusers later in life.

  • @venusleyong
    @venusleyong 8 หลายเดือนก่อน +15

    Spot on. The moment I mentioned to my counselor, "I believe I'm dealing with a narcissist."
    She stopped me right there and said, "no name calling."
    I felt so defeated.

    • @JohnSmith-lk8cy
      @JohnSmith-lk8cy หลายเดือนก่อน

      What a moron! This is a danger of going to therapy with them.

  • @suzyhomeacre
    @suzyhomeacre 3 ปีที่แล้ว +463

    Dr. Ramani, you’ve changed my life & held my hand through this dark, but very enlightening journey. Thank you!

    • @matilda1505
      @matilda1505 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Dark indeed !

    • @lorettanericcio-bohlman567
      @lorettanericcio-bohlman567 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Homeacre 😂

    • @laurac.9322
      @laurac.9322 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Yeah...and scary too... but very informative. Cuz they can be very dark and scary...

    • @WDBDWK
      @WDBDWK 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Yes, it’s absolutely like that. We need to be very careful about not joining “the big lie”. Someone is all dark, and we are all light. Not acknowledging our own human darkness opens us up to narcissists and makes balance impossible.

    • @user-ep8nr8qf9p
      @user-ep8nr8qf9p 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      Everyone is a victim. Everyone is a perpetrator. This lady is telling you what you want. All of the psych people make up whatever works and their gospel is a river of unending misery.

  • @imnoel8214
    @imnoel8214 3 ปีที่แล้ว +171

    Thanks Dr. Ramini! "C" could also stand for "Controlling"-the CRAV-ing for control.

    • @imnoel8214
      @imnoel8214 3 ปีที่แล้ว +15

      And the "E" for no/low Empathy!

    • @sararichardson737
      @sararichardson737 3 ปีที่แล้ว +15

      Coercive control too. This is really instructive advice for explaining.
      to others

    • @adrianopper3356
      @adrianopper3356 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Yes! Goes back to rigidity

    • @ljshafer4354
      @ljshafer4354 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Yes! SO true. Thanks for this perspective.

  • @Jess-kn8vl
    @Jess-kn8vl 3 ปีที่แล้ว +204

    In therapy, I felt like I was put on trial at times trying to explain this behavior when recalling "examples" and "facts". Looking at the forest now instead of through the trees, its a repetitive pattern of behavior. Any vindictiveness I experienced was often minimized by the therapist and it was hard to articulate at the time that this is how this person operates and it IS intentional. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2018, but I started telling my story and have had the mental and physical symptoms for at least 20 years. The 3 therapists I saw before all dropped the ball. Thank you for educating everyone on this!

    • @Gracenglory5
      @Gracenglory5 3 ปีที่แล้ว +22

      I completely relate 💯. Praying for you! 💞🙏🏻

    • @abowling5759
      @abowling5759 3 ปีที่แล้ว +28

      I can definitely understand...very frustrating and hurtful when you’re trying to get some help but your experience is minimized by the person supposedly there to help you.

    • @bertzerker747
      @bertzerker747 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      You'd think we are meant to see them to make their lives easier.
      Growing up I knew they had to oblige to a rather archaic system. And for some they became swallowed whole and live it day by day....
      No fu#king way! 👍

    • @sumanbanik3590
      @sumanbanik3590 2 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      I agree as someone who has encountered this but also as someone hoping to practice in the field, I also see so many people abusing this term or just calling everyone this when it's not matching up accurately. I think the big thing is that therapists don't do enough probing and clarifying to understand the frequency, as well as see the "whole" thing. They focus on one tree indeed of the forest and assume it could be other issues like common collectivist culture issues or minor Narcissistic traits which aren't quite as difficult as being in a triangle especially if symptoms are high. I also don't think demonizing the individual with the issues helps especially if there's a power dynamic they need to consider like if they are paying for it...etc. I'm curious what is a way that someone can easily identify this issue since many therapists just go into CPT and PTSD treatment stuff which can help to work through it, but then you just keep getting retraumatized and needing treatment or end up in unhealthy relationship cycles endlessly, whereas if it was identified quicker, they can suggest stuff like this. It's also just tough when therapists can change up or if the issues are minimized, it just ruins rapport. It's also difficult when clients can't identify these issues accurately (i.e., people saying something is abuse, when it's really not can confuse the therapist more, especially if the client has their own mental health issues as well). Does anyone have any ideas on what you wish a therapist would have asked so that it could have been accurately understood sooner? I'm thinking that evaluating dynamics in multiple environments might help, as well as having enough facts and evidence from behaviors with others, that they also see, or even discrepancies in treatment between family members? That or even trying to understand if the client truly feels validated and checking in on them. Like if they're invalidated or feel like what's being described isn't matching up accurately enough to cultural situations or something else, that the therapists might try seeing if this description matches up instead?

    • @KJ-pu8dw
      @KJ-pu8dw 2 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Jess_if you have felt ‘broken’ for a long time you may want to look into Complex PTSD. I think Dr Ramani has videos. Also a book ‘From Surviving To Thriving’ by Pete Walker.

  • @Ash-hb9cj
    @Ash-hb9cj 3 ปีที่แล้ว +129

    If u were talking about my ex the “V” could also stand for volatile/ violent. And the “D” could also stand for draining.

    • @rypoelk997
      @rypoelk997 3 ปีที่แล้ว +19

      sometimes just hearing their voice can exhaust a person

    • @cassandra7983
      @cassandra7983 3 ปีที่แล้ว +17

      D - Defensive. Which, plus Disregulated, is extremely Draining .. and sometimes Dangerous. . .

    • @lindasharpe7039
      @lindasharpe7039 3 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      Draining for real.

    • @rqureshi81
      @rqureshi81 3 ปีที่แล้ว +12

      Yesss they DRAIN the hell out of you ,after being in conversation for like 5 min you feel you need something strong to give you energy

    • @Ash-hb9cj
      @Ash-hb9cj 3 ปีที่แล้ว +10

      Yep they are definitely energy vampires

  • @yaseminureorion
    @yaseminureorion 3 ปีที่แล้ว +93

    That's true, when you use the word narcissism or narcissist, mostly people think that I am just exaggerating everything and talking just by my emotions and I am using the N word like a child as if a word that I just learned lately. They really shut down and don't listen to me with the same respect...

    • @russellm7530
      @russellm7530 3 ปีที่แล้ว +13

      Yeah I know the feeling.

    • @eddierayvanlynch6133
      @eddierayvanlynch6133 3 ปีที่แล้ว +17

      And the dismissive eyeroll is like the icing on the cake.

    • @laurengarrett9005
      @laurengarrett9005 3 ปีที่แล้ว +10

      Most people also have no idea what narcissism is so I use the term pattern of behavior.

    • @dawnrobbins5877
      @dawnrobbins5877 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      So true.

    • @simone0718
      @simone0718 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      You're right!!

  • @Steve197201
    @Steve197201 3 ปีที่แล้ว +150

    This is excellent advice. Most people don't even know what narcissism is. People don't identify narcissism as abuse, which is what it really is. Sell the sizzle, not the steak.

    • @philippa5004
      @philippa5004 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Great discernment thanks👍

    • @beabove
      @beabove 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Love that distinction! So helpful.

    • @k.g.m.254
      @k.g.m.254 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Extremely well said. 👍👍😎

    • @carolhicks6796
      @carolhicks6796 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      That's it exactly! !! Bullshit artists . And when it arrives on the plate in front of you, all that's there is an under cooked processed sausage.

  • @octaviojimenez5832
    @octaviojimenez5832 3 ปีที่แล้ว +116

    Conflict, with the NPD person also looks like hate. They´re haters. They go around saying "I hate it when" this or that.

    • @jeny1312
      @jeny1312 3 ปีที่แล้ว +14

      Yes! The constant negativity is so nauseating.

    • @breakingpoint3893
      @breakingpoint3893 3 ปีที่แล้ว +15

      I do that sometimes, I used to say it alot as a teenager, everything was embarassing to me, I didn't realize until my adult years and through more and more therapy, that it was a way to avoid feeling shame from all the abuse I went through. I don't do it so much now. When the abuser uses it, it's to control and manipulate you. For them it's about what they do or don't want you to do. CPTSD is a very humiliating disorder because it makes the person feel crazy or like they're the one in the wrong and it's not the case....

  • @joniangelsrreal6262
    @joniangelsrreal6262 3 ปีที่แล้ว +69

    I’m not explaining anything personal to anyone… they don’t matter … I’m completely over all of it…. Period

    • @occallie
      @occallie 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Narcissists could care less if you tried to anyway.

    • @WDBDWK
      @WDBDWK 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      That is positive as long as you’re part of the solution. We are all together, modeling being all together by acting in love for ourselves. Narcissists magnetize to people who have dissociated from their original attachment wounds. This isn’t about “them”. If we don’t get the lesson, we don’t get the boundary.

    • @nightowl6260
      @nightowl6260 2 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      I think of a phrase I have heard lately--something like..." Don't complain, don't explain". There are so many narcissists around us. It is vital to maintain composure when meeting new people. If you "complain" you may be oversharing and it may be vindictively used against you. If you "explain" you instantly message your lack of healthy entitlement (that you need the person's approval). Or perhaps it is that you instinctively sense the persons potential for aggression and your "explaining" announces that you accept being the "one down" which reinforces the narcissist's control. Of course this does not apply to those who have earned trust and who are supportive, accepting friends or loved ones.

    • @joniangelsrreal6262
      @joniangelsrreal6262 2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @@occallie
      Agreed… wasting your time… it is what it is no changing their ways… move on

    • @joniangelsrreal6262
      @joniangelsrreal6262 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@WDBDWK
      Agreed… fix you first…

  • @DisturbedBurger
    @DisturbedBurger 3 ปีที่แล้ว +49

    "You try to bend them and they snap"
    Nice double entendre.

  • @LXSeaV
    @LXSeaV 3 ปีที่แล้ว +150

    Even easier to remember: Show, don't tell. Don't tell people someone's a narcissist or whatever adjective. Just say what they did. I think more people react to that and come to the conclusion that this person sucks if I just say matter-of-factly what they literally did or said. Then that person can decide for themselves that this person is definitely a narcissist, asshole, etc. When we describe people in labels and generalizations, I think people are naturally skeptical for good reasons honestly. Pressuring others to believe someone is a narcissist just because you think that can be perceived as pushy and manipulative itself.

    • @dawnrobbins5877
      @dawnrobbins5877 3 ปีที่แล้ว +10

      Good point!

    • @M_SC
      @M_SC 3 ปีที่แล้ว +9

      Idk why you find it so easy to say what they did. Usually the other person excuses what they did

    • @M_SC
      @M_SC 3 ปีที่แล้ว +10

      Idk why you find it so easy to say what they did. Usually hard to describe and doesn’t sound that bad. And the other person excuses what They did

    • @LXSeaV
      @LXSeaV 3 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      @@M_SC I don't about you, but the stories I have about what my narcissists have said and done to me are pretty obviously bad. I tell the story and people get it. My most efficient story for my ex is I tell people that one time while I was crying after some verbal abuse I can't even remember, he cooly and calmly came up to me and said "Hey, some guys like me marry and have children with women like you. I didn't DO that to you. You're lucky." And then he just walked off. I have too many other stories, but usually that one alone sends shivers up peoples spines ... forget narcissist he's probably a straight-up sociopath I was indeed lucky to escape.

    • @gb7251
      @gb7251 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Very good!!! WOW!

  • @rachelcarmina3958
    @rachelcarmina3958 3 ปีที่แล้ว +11

    My ex was one of the most vindictive person I have ever known.If I ever stood my ground on anything, they would retaliate. Not right away, but later that day or sometime after a few days. It took me a while to realize that the dealayed revenge was part of her anger pattern. Life was literally a non stop roller coaster ride. I am grateful it is over.

  • @matilda1505
    @matilda1505 3 ปีที่แล้ว +76

    Dysfunctional childhood, dysfunctional marriage…. I can’t believe that I’m learning about how a healthy relationship should look like at the age of 55. Is it too late ?

    • @acemoto6232
      @acemoto6232 3 ปีที่แล้ว +11

      Never to late!!! You deserve it!

    • @matilda1505
      @matilda1505 3 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      @@acemoto6232 Thank you. You are right. There is still some gas in a tank.

    • @carolhicks6796
      @carolhicks6796 3 ปีที่แล้ว +13

      There is an old saying, "it's only to late if you dont start now"

    • @tracydanneo
      @tracydanneo 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      I hope not!

    • @sjberry9980
      @sjberry9980 3 ปีที่แล้ว +9

      Same here, and no, it's never too late. I'm 59 and although the healing process is painful, it's such a relief to know that I'm not the crazy one.

  • @jessenutt1486
    @jessenutt1486 3 ปีที่แล้ว +62

    ❤ this! As a nurse, I was taught 2 VERY important things:
    1. Document EVERYTHING! If it's not documented, then it didn't happen.
    2. You are not a doctor, you may know, by your assessment, the diagnosis, but you can NEVER diagnose. ONLY assess the situation, symptoms, your observations, and what the patient "says" in thier OWN words.
    This video reminds me of that.
    Thanks Dr. Ramani

    • @susanparker9877
      @susanparker9877 ปีที่แล้ว

      My nurse training led me to document the crazy interactions with the narcissist. Dates, what was said and done, - all there to look back on and see the patterns and BS. This has saved my sanity because all the crazy making is there in black and white.

    • @NO-ib1ip
      @NO-ib1ip 10 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      Funny isn’t it.
      Because I’d say a Dr makes the same diagnosis in the same way, but just because of their title it carries more weight.

  • @vyaptimehra
    @vyaptimehra 3 ปีที่แล้ว +68

    True, when i went for therapy(later realised that that therapist was crap after spending alot of money!) The therapist didnt give into my claim that my mother is a narcissist, instead she told me i cud be the one who is the "narcissist" Possibly. Now, imagine that for the daughter of a narcissist! who already self doubts each n everything she feels or thinks🤷‍♀️!

    • @sandrasimon9534
      @sandrasimon9534 3 ปีที่แล้ว +11

      My therapist didn't like labeling people so I spent 3.5 years talking about my ex who desecrated my spirit and poisoned me. But he had no label. Good for him.

    • @user-gp7zt8sm4w
      @user-gp7zt8sm4w 3 ปีที่แล้ว +7

      That’s horrible.

    • @vyaptimehra
      @vyaptimehra 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@Darkangel03975 hi i think i do get the plot of what u hav just described but can u plz edit and correct the typos as i wud like to understand ur writing better?

    • @KitKat-gw4rh
      @KitKat-gw4rh 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      Im so sorry

    • @ozzieenglelewis
      @ozzieenglelewis 4 หลายเดือนก่อน

      Me too. More harmful than helpful

  • @dianasponsler3567
    @dianasponsler3567 3 ปีที่แล้ว +42

    And that V is eternal…decades later they will strike, and then “remember when…. Now YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS!”

    • @MultiSenhor
      @MultiSenhor 3 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      Worse yet, the "when" sometimes didn't even happen. My sister is trying to punish my mom for things that "happened" years ago that didn't even happen, she just clams it did. Now... my mom did fail her as a kid, but that's a completely different story, and mom was young, trying to raise three kids, with an unemployed narcissistic husband, her family of origin on her back, and a relatively small wage, it wasn't exactly easy for her either.

    • @dianasponsler3567
      @dianasponsler3567 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      @@MultiSenhor It can go both ways, my mom couldn’t malign her brother enough for acting out resentments towards their parents, and then starts “getting even” with me as an adult for triggering her self-consciousness as an inquisitive child. Drawing the parallel for her (predictably) didn’t go well for me.

    • @llkellenba
      @llkellenba 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      They NEVER let an injury perceived or real, go unpunished - a catalog is kept forever.

    • @llkellenba
      @llkellenba 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      @@MultiSenhor their minds perceive and filter events and experiences largely as threats that don’t always align with reality. No capacity for empathy or genuine compassion either … thus no forgiveness for human failings

  • @Phoenix-yu5td
    @Phoenix-yu5td 3 ปีที่แล้ว +52

    I'm watching these to learn about my friends parents, im actually the one who helped her understand that she wasnt crazy, and that her parents are extreme narcissists, it took so long to teach her that she wasnt the problem, i just kept reassuring her that she wasnt the issue and i would explain to her the situation from the outside, for example: "Tell me what you said" *I just tried to tell them im happy..* "Okay and what did they do" *They acted annoying and told me they didn't want to hear it* "Okay and what do i do when you tell me that you're happy" *You're happy that im happy?* === then she realizes its not her. Please, if you have a friend being raised or living in the same house as narcissist parents you need to make sure they understand that they are not the problem, they arent doing anything wrong, they need that reassurance because they're torn down on a daily basis, give them a rock to hold onto when the waves try to wash them away, give them a safe place till they can move out on their own.

  • @realhealing7802
    @realhealing7802 3 ปีที่แล้ว +11

    My sibling has all these traits and is soo vindictive. No contact was my only option. There's no hope for this situation. I just had to walk away.

  • @lindawheaton6463
    @lindawheaton6463 3 ปีที่แล้ว +37

    Very well said peaple look at u like ur crazy when u even speak of narcissism

  • @ec7941
    @ec7941 3 ปีที่แล้ว +14

    I feel i was CHECKMATED. Can you please one day do a video on being 'checkmated'. They keep you in the game ONLY to plan (with the new supply) how to checkmate you, even though they try to never fully kill you in order to keep you hanging for future repetitive games, like a cat with a mice.

  • @janeene24
    @janeene24 3 ปีที่แล้ว +15

    I said every word with you as you said it because it describes my narc to a t!

  • @privateprivate8366
    @privateprivate8366 3 ปีที่แล้ว +52

    This is REALLY IMPORTANT, because as I’ve said before, you start using words like hoover and flying monkeys and someone’s going to think you’re cookoo. Using some of the commonly-used terminology, in regards to narcissism is a public invite to being gaslit, minimized and even discarded by whomever and whatever entity you’re trying to convey your situation to.

    • @tenzen8334
      @tenzen8334 3 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      Yep that's been my experience. I don't use the 'narc' word anymore except with dear friends who are on the same page as me.

    • @privateprivate8366
      @privateprivate8366 3 ปีที่แล้ว +7

      @@tenzen8334 Yep, it’s as if, the moment you say “narc” people act like the narcissist has a problem - and you’re that problem.
      I don’t speak at all about it anymore. You start to realize that, even when a person says, “That’s just HORRIBLE! I’m glad you left!”, they are waiting, with baited breath, for you to get back in the situation. Especially so, if you have an aging parent. People are so brainwashed by filial piety that, even if they really like you and have never met your parent, they can’t even see you, for the worry you aren’t doing right by an abusive parent. It’s sickening!

    • @themaggattack
      @themaggattack 2 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      @@privateprivate8366 SPOT ON! I've stopped talking about it to anyone except my counselor. People are just so trained to defend parents, nomatter what.

    • @privateprivate8366
      @privateprivate8366 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@themaggattack if they actually even saw that parent with a gun to your head, they’d chastise you for pointing it out and running for your life and would derive, from that alone, that you must deserve it. When it comes to dealing with having an abusive, narcissistic parent, you may as well be an escaped slave.

    • @susanparker9877
      @susanparker9877 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      And then the listener turns into a flying monkey and betrays you. My ex used to cut my neighbour's grass. It was very anxiety producing last year. He'd cut the grass then show up at my back door. I had to keep the doors locked all summer because if I didn't answer, he'd let himself in!!! This year, my neighbout queried me about who was going to cut her grass. I asked her to "please not hire X again". When she responded with WHY?, (in a contrite way) I should have caught on..... I told her "he makes me anxious and uncomfortable, my anxiety goes away up.., and after 15 months he shouldn't still be hanging around,.......please don't hire him". She went and called him about the job!! What a miserable, petty, nasty, untrustworthy thing to do! He's just transient, but I live next door. I've helped her out a lot. But that has just ended. She fits what Dr Carter calls a Stealth Narcissist to a T.

  • @c.e.schlink9933
    @c.e.schlink9933 3 ปีที่แล้ว +33

    The line in “The Misfits” when Marilyn Monroe’s character says when she is rehearsing her divorce speech “can’t I just say he wasn’t there? I’de rather live alone if I’m going to be alone”. Another great acronym (D.E.E.P.) !

    • @yukio_saito
      @yukio_saito 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Don't go DEEP for a CRAVED person.

    • @liviamoreiralima3536
      @liviamoreiralima3536 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Deep?

    • @yukio_saito
      @yukio_saito 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @@liviamoreiralima3536 Please watch this video:
      Narcissism and the deep technique
      th-cam.com/video/7HcU3sdrzU0/w-d-xo.html

    • @c.e.schlink9933
      @c.e.schlink9933 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      @@liviamoreiralima3536 dr Ramani’s other acronym.

    • @provencepoppy1078
      @provencepoppy1078 3 ปีที่แล้ว +7

      @@liviamoreiralima3536 one of Dr. Ramani's other videos: Go D.E.E.P. with a narcissist:
      1. don't Defend
      2. don't Explain
      3. don't Engage
      4. don't Personalize
      I try to practice this like a daily prayer/reminder. It can be hard but there is much wisdom in the DEEP technique for dealing with narcs.

  • @Ryoko_01
    @Ryoko_01 3 ปีที่แล้ว +38

    I'm actually going to be getting questioned by a guy from my local Adult Protective Services today about my relationship with my mom. I think it'll be good for me to use this acronym. 😌

    • @dreamdiction
      @dreamdiction 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Come back and tell us what happened?

    • @jonathanalpart7812
      @jonathanalpart7812 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Good luck.

    • @Ryoko_01
      @Ryoko_01 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      @@dreamdiction
      Hey there. I actually wrote out everything in a Google Keep Notes, uhh, note (lol) after everything was over. I'll copy paste what I wrote below, and try to edit out my brother's name (if I miss a spot, I am so sorry 😅).
      July 9, 2021, 10:05pm: Alright, I had an interview with a guy from my town's local adult protective services, named John, with my brother, and a family friend named Sandy. We all went to the backyard of my house, while my mom stayed inside the house (she couldn't join because John had allegations against her, so he wanted to interview me and my brother without her being there to possibly influence us). Sandy mostly listened, but she did speak to answer questions about her opinion on what we were talking about. John asked us about the allegations, and we all answered truthfully according to what we knew and/or remembered. He asked if mom had touched me inappropriately, even naming specific places on the body, and I answered by saying all the times I remembered her touching those areas, how I felt about it, how I responded when I felt brave enough to speak up to her about it, and what mom did in response to me doing so. John then asked if we were afraid of our mom, and we said yes, because of her anger, being prone to yelling and cursing, and the fact she's threatened to both kick us out when she knows full well we couldn't take care of ourselves 100% if she did, and use her power of attorney over us to restrict and/or take away things like our money and medications. John then asked if we felt like wanting to move out of the house, and we both said yes, because of how controlling she currently is with things of ours like clothes and looks. John asked if we knew how to handle our finances, and we said no, because mom does them all for us. He asked if we wanted to learn how to do things on our own, like handling finances and cooking, and we said yes, but we don't want to be taught by mom, mainly because of her pessimism, and low patience. He asked if we wanted to get a social worker/caregiver in to help teach us those things, and at first we said no, because of mom's distrust in people and her tendency to yell and curse whenever we've done or bought something, with previous social workers, that she didn't like, no matter how small of a thing it was, even though we should be able to have the ability to spend a certain amount of our own money we want on whatever we want, and not be punished for it. John then gave another solution to stay in a foster care home, but with the drawback of that being where our lives stop improving if we did, so we disagreed with that option. Since we didn't want that, and didn't know how to take care of ourselves if we were to move out right away, we decided to stick with trying to find a social worker to help teach us things now, and eventually go to a college-like (but not actually a college) program to learn some IT skills sometime later this year (which we were originally planning on doing before the interview). We then went back inside and John gave a small summary to mom of what we said, which only included the fact that we wanted a social worker to come in to help teach us things, and that we were wanting to learn how to be more independent. Sandy did the same as John, and only mentioned those things, and not the things we were afraid of mom knowing. Although, the reasons John gave for the things he said were that we "felt trapped in the home", and that mom needed to teach us more about the things she was doing for us. Mom then responded by saying that she WAS in fact teaching us things, but we were refusing to follow through, or even refusing to learn some things (which is "technically" true, but we usually "refused" because of the WAY mom was ACTING when she was telling us to do things and tried to teach us things, which discouraged me from wanting to do them and/or be taught by her, and NOT the FACT she was doing them. But I can't tell her the real reason why, because then she'd take it personally, and use the yelling, cursing, and threatening to get her way no matter if we liked it or not). Mom also mentioned that we told her before that we didn't want a social worker (although she forgot the part where we said we didn't want one NOW during that time, but we're fine with getting one in AUGUST, the second half of which we said again today). John then left, as he had to go to another client, and said he'll see if he can try and get a social worker to come in. After that, mom had went over the same things she told John, and Sandy went over the same things John told mom, before leaving. A little over an hour later, mom had started expressing her anger (like she usually does), and saying how much she hated the situation. She claimed that John, as well as Sandy now (at least accounting to mom), believed that she was "being too nice" to us by doing so much for us, that she needed "be harder on us from now on" (Oh dear), and that the two of them were "too American" because she believes they thought that the fact she slept in the same bedroom as me and my brother (but in separate beds) meant that she was being too controlling, when to her, it's simply a Filippino tradition, because she's from the Philippines (even though the reasons she gave me and my brother in the past for that was because at an earlier age, we wanted her to, but when we got older and mentioned we wanted her to go back to her room, she said that she herself wasn't ready yet, and that she even liked it down in our bedroom.) She also mentioned that it we keep "refusing" to learn, then she'll not only have to write it down and document it to show it to John, but that she'd also be the one to get in trouble for it because everything falls back on her, that "It will be YOUR FAULT if 'I' get in trouble!". To fix that, she finally moved back up to her room, and said that WE will be the ones to get a social worker, and that we WILL learn how to cook more. She also mentioned that she wasn't angry at us, which even if it is true, I still felt like she definitely took that anger out on us. I myself got pretty mad at the way she expressed it to us, but unlike her, I didn't let a single bit of it out, because I know if I expressed just a tiny amount of what she did (or even if I just did or said something she only THOUGHT was that, but actually wasn't, with no one else being around to judge that but her alone) she'd then use the tactic of threats that I mentioned earlier. And I'm afraid if I pushed her further, she may actually follow through on said threats.

    • @Ryoko_01
      @Ryoko_01 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@jonathanalpart7812 Thanks. 😌

    • @bigred4379
      @bigred4379 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Jane! Girl you’re the smartest!!!! Really.
      I could not have even processed all of that while I was living at home w a narc mother.
      So good to hear that you live in a county where social workers are paying attention, and trying to do a great job for you.
      Kudos to you for reaching out for help, listening to suggestion, and changing your mind about getting a case worker of your own to help not ONLY you, but your brother also. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🌺
      There is NO POSSIBLE WAY I could’ve done that when I was in your situation! I just became angry , and was soooooo immature until I was approx 32!!
      I finally realized I needed some guidance and went to a codependency meeting like Al- Anon. It was called Gam Anon for friends and family of compulsive gamblers.
      GREAT JOB , JANE. GOOD FOR YOU!!!
      And good looking-out for your brother, also.
      You’re gonna be JUST FINE.
      Keep up the good work and take care of YOURSELF!!!
      Wishing you peace and love❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🌸🌸🌸🌸

  • @princessak21
    @princessak21 3 ปีที่แล้ว +6

    So true no one understood me explaining my covert mum growing up even till now, but only me and everyone here knows how it feels to have a evil mum

  • @abbykendrick5748
    @abbykendrick5748 3 ปีที่แล้ว +11

    My mother is so rigid it’s unbelievable, also conflict driven and sees herself as a victim. I just had something good happen with my career and she had to bring up that 45 years ago she never got a raise. Oh yea she’s also incredibly reactive. She will jump to rage in a second out of nowhere.

    • @tracydanneo
      @tracydanneo 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Same. I’m visiting my 90 year old mother. Seems her personality has gotten worse with age.

  • @80islandia
    @80islandia 3 ปีที่แล้ว +33

    C - conflict
    R - rigid
    A - antagonistic
    V - vulnerable/victimized/vindictive
    E - entitled
    D - disregulated
    Thanks Dr. Ramani, this is a great topic! This gives us a solid framework for describing narcissistic people without saying the word. I've benefitted very much from the DEEP acronym and appreciate you sharing this one.

  • @megzasaurusrex
    @megzasaurusrex 3 ปีที่แล้ว +40

    I had both narcissistic siblings, parents and my ex husband. And I've struggled with my own issues regulating my emotions. And I'm struggling with no thinking I'm a total monster too. I feel like I did a lot of narcissistic behavior but also care and see it and have worked to fix it. But idk how to not feel shitty about myself and not let others use past actions to define me now

    • @vhayashi7369
      @vhayashi7369 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Bless your heart I understand! I also had Narcissistic parents, siblings and my ex husband, last relationship, and many ex Narc friends. All screwed me over. I am also struggling with my own issues. I am able to love myself and not settling for BS anymore but I'm so traumatized by the abuse I have no desire for a relationship again. Don't think I can trust anyone again especially after being abandoned with a baby and child when my Narc husband ran away with another girl. I'm stuck being a single Mom and it's hard. I choose to invest in myself instead of wasting it on toxic people. Other people who help me look them up, Richard Grannon, Aaron Doughty, Evy Pompouras, and David Goggins. Love and hugs to you, believe in yourself you're worth it and don't settle and pay attention to your gut feeling, if you get a bad feeling about someone cut them off! 💜❤️🤍

    • @leahg3926
      @leahg3926 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Keep going, keep trying.... improvement happens !

    • @debrafuller5693
      @debrafuller5693 2 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      When I had enough! I felt broke! A 🔥came out of me that would torch anyone that
      I perceived as flying 🐒 I Quit my family!

    • @sagebay2803
      @sagebay2803 2 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @@vhayashi7369 thank you for sharing the youtube names.

  • @fionaimison2042
    @fionaimison2042 3 ปีที่แล้ว +6

    Really, really needed this knowledge 18 years ago in family court. Still have disturbing memories of the magistrate asking, words like, whats wrong here, & me exhaling, head swimming a little, & replying "Where do I start?"

  • @floriankoch7399
    @floriankoch7399 3 ปีที่แล้ว +83

    I think that is a perfect template for a kind of bucket list: Write down for every C.R.A.V.E.D point several examples w.r.t. to the narcissist in question and you have memorised the perfect outline to be presented to anybody interested - not only explaining your situation but also have them experience this through your examples in a complete picture.

    • @dawnemile4974
      @dawnemile4974 3 ปีที่แล้ว +7

      The example addition is important.

    • @simsimahmadi9133
      @simsimahmadi9133 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Exactly its important to give examples under each letter of CRAVED...because even clinical psychologists don't like us using it as a buzz word, even if we KNOW by now clearly what is narcissism

  • @mrstitches3177
    @mrstitches3177 3 ปีที่แล้ว +8

    It’s amazing how unknown or buried narcissism is.
    I’ve had two therapists dodge the idea. Or downplay it.
    Obviously I know longer seek their services.. 😉

  • @Robertoni7
    @Robertoni7 3 ปีที่แล้ว +14

    So funny how now the word narcissist is seen in a dismissive way when many people started using it as a psychological description for the word evil. They really wave you off when you call somebody evil.

    • @reesedaniel5835
      @reesedaniel5835 ปีที่แล้ว

      The system has brainwashed people to dismiss the truth.

  • @estheranders1502
    @estheranders1502 3 ปีที่แล้ว +44

    I really could have used this 3 years ago when I went for my divorce and trying to get full custody. I was so beaten at time I didn't get anything I really wanted, because I could barely function. Thanks for your video! I hope this helps anyone out there who's going through the courts right now. Thanks!

    • @Gracenglory5
      @Gracenglory5 3 ปีที่แล้ว +11

      Praying for you.🙏🏻💞 I’ve been going through it for 15 years. First sole custody was “won”, but the long game continued...creating a false narrative of blame and character assassination. Lost my children after 12 years...they never quit. So much trauma, destruction and chaos. These people are murderers from the inside out.

    • @LoneStar4Jesus
      @LoneStar4Jesus 3 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      Ditto Esther! A horrible process to divorce a narcissist when you have been beaten down for many years!!!

    • @Temporalplace
      @Temporalplace 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      ​ @Tina Marie We always get what we are seeking for. Women like self-confident male's who knows what they want and who stick to their opinion no matter what others say, right ? It gave you image of a strong man, and woke up butterflies in your stomach right ? Then you got what you wanted, a man that sticks to his opinion no matter what others say. Why do you think that most narcissists are males ? Because women like such males until they know them better, but everything has it's price.

    • @themaggattack
      @themaggattack 2 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @@Temporalplace Women are not a monolith. I, for one, don't like don't like ANYONE who is so pig-headed that they NEVER change their opinion, given new information. I don't care what gender they are.
      Also, sure, the studies show that most narcessists are males, but that's only *diagnosed* narcessists. There are a WHOLE LOT of *UN*diagnosed covert narcessists out there, many of whom are female. In reality, narcessism is anyone's game.
      "We always get what we are seeking for" is victim blaming. Besides, if that were true, there would be a lot more rich, successful, talented, etc.. People out there in the world. And certainly no one would be living in slavery or destitution. Sometimes we get borne into or pushed or tricked into a bad situation that we weren't seeking for.

    • @Temporalplace
      @Temporalplace 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      ​@@themaggattack "is victim blaming"
      Why can't anyone blame a victim if its really result of his choice ? There is no point to blame a lion or tiger after you entering his cage, because it was something avoidable.

  • @calliemaud1194
    @calliemaud1194 3 ปีที่แล้ว +34

    It seems like people in general should start being more accepting of the term "narcissistic abuse" in the workplace and other environments because it's such a helpful term as far as understanding the very specific type of treatment one is encountering. It seems that narcissistic abuse can come from any person who might be clinically diagnosed with any of the Cluster B personality disorders or something else, so it doesn't mean you're diagnosing that person; you're simply identifying the TYPE of abuse that you're experiencing.
    🙏 Your content is extremely appreciated as always! I'm one of the many people whose lives you've changed. You and my psychiatrist have helped me see the light. Thank you! 🙏

  • @LewsTherin100
    @LewsTherin100 3 ปีที่แล้ว +38

    needed this today - thanks Dr. Ramani

  • @Shabutie420
    @Shabutie420 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

    I didn't realize I have been in an abusive relationship for 8 years.. until I saw your videos. Thank you. ❤

  • @moniqueboatfield107
    @moniqueboatfield107 2 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    Perfect video. I have noticed people think of narcissism as a person always taking selfies and don’t really get the depth of it. Even when people say they understand they will say or do something that makes it clear they still regard the narcissist as a regular person that can be reasoned with.

    • @emmarae4322
      @emmarae4322 10 หลายเดือนก่อน

      I was just saying this to myself today.

  • @mg6479
    @mg6479 3 ปีที่แล้ว +21

    Dr. Ramani, you have changed my life. Thank you for all of your videos and for educating us

  • @HappyEarhole
    @HappyEarhole 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    Mine is H.U.R.T.
    If
    Honesty
    Understanding
    Respect &
    Trust
    are in effect at all times, no one gets hurt. A narcissist, sadly, can't give you any of those things. Mourn the loss and give up hope. I was relentless in trying to get through to the many narcissists I've come across, been raised by, had children with. They are endlessly rigid. I have "poked the bear " so many times, as a truth teller/scapegoat. It is miraculous that my resilience has been unshakeable after so much trauma. My willingness to be codependent early, would get me trapped. I will get away. I will get to feel safe for the first time in almost 3 decades. 3 decades of trauma and bombs going off. Tons of joy in some of those times, but no safety. I am so close to freedom. Thank you.

    • @mariamartinez5618
      @mariamartinez5618 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      Thank you for sharing this! May Almighty God continue to give you strength and courage in your new journey of great hope, health, and healing! Love and Blessings ✝️🌺♥️

  • @mgaddi
    @mgaddi 3 ปีที่แล้ว +26

    Here are two words that I realized in this journey of getting myself back as a person. I never had accountability and understanding. I have come to understand that caused me to deflect and blame others and also be angry. It has taken me 50 years to rebuild a foundation that has some good in it and thanks to my therapist and you Dr. Ramani, I know that it will be even better and I can be at peace as a person in the next 50 years. 😊🙏❤️

    • @bertzerker747
      @bertzerker747 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      Learn your own punishment.
      Saves alot of cruelty and despair in a world.

  • @joestrickland6199
    @joestrickland6199 3 ปีที่แล้ว +6

    This explains my spouse very accurately.
    It took 25 years of me trying to figure out what went wrong and when to see this video that explains it all.

  • @janettepearl-snyder4828
    @janettepearl-snyder4828 3 ปีที่แล้ว +31

    You are absolutely amazing Dr. Ramani! You are truly a blessing...❤

  • @lisaianetta5408
    @lisaianetta5408 3 ปีที่แล้ว +12

    This is spot on! Perfectly describes my ex-husband. I wonder why there is such a negative attitude towards the word “narcissist.” It’s a shame, because it is a real personality disorder that has traumatic effects on victims of narcissistic abuse. It is not something that is made up! As always, thank you, Dr. Ramani, for explaining things so clearly.

    • @reesedaniel5835
      @reesedaniel5835 ปีที่แล้ว

      Because the entire system is narcissistic and most of the people in power are CLuster Bees. They have manipulated the minds of the masses to dismiss the truth in almost every form.

  • @karenkasteler942
    @karenkasteler942 3 ปีที่แล้ว +6

    You have helped SO MUCH.....I always soft-pedaled my marriage.....great guy....but tough......he was way WORSE than tough.....he was a narcissist.....impossible to communicate with or resolve issues.

  • @fabsconti
    @fabsconti 3 ปีที่แล้ว +20

    This CRAVED system is brilliant! Truly! I have thought about the "letters" separately but never as a whole like this. Thank you!

  • @MultiSenhor
    @MultiSenhor 3 ปีที่แล้ว +7

    "They will blow up if the weather is not what they wanted to be"

  • @daythaheintzelman6634
    @daythaheintzelman6634 3 ปีที่แล้ว +18

    Thank you! I needed to be pulled back into reality today! After 4 decades of this crap, I tend to wander off track and not putting myself FIRST! Thanks for grabbing the wheel Dr. Ramani!!

  • @bagobeans
    @bagobeans 3 ปีที่แล้ว +25

    Dr. You may be interested in knowing there is court case where a man shot five coworkers (made national news) and his defense is that he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Now from my understanding, he will claim thst he is not responsible. Let's see where this goes. I almost spit out my coffee when I heard this.

    • @Mel.H_
      @Mel.H_ 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      OH MY GOD 😳

    • @rosettesionne9139
      @rosettesionne9139 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      It would have been better if he said he was a psychopath or sociopath people with NPD are not bipolar unlike people with BPD narcs can control their emotions they just don't care or feel the need to. Good luck for this person to prove his argument in court

    • @lorenhall1835
      @lorenhall1835 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Do you have any links to stories about this event? I believe you and all, but, I just have to check this out.

  • @MrsD3Aer
    @MrsD3Aer 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

    My antagonistic sister stays very cool, and makes me react in a way that looks like I don’t regulate my emotions.
    But I’m very sensitive, certainly what she did to me…(too long story for now).
    She makes me look like I’m the difficult person.
    And yes, even my psychologist didn’t took me serious…he pointed at me “you have a personality problem….
    I got angry again…and so I felt again the scapegoat. In the Netherlands it’s not taken serious…there is no law for coercive controle here.

  • @KaddyFeast
    @KaddyFeast 3 ปีที่แล้ว +14

    Very helpful! The shift in being understood vs. appearing "judgmental".
    When I shifted to a calmer place and had better language, I got better support and help. Wish I had this 6 years ago! But so very very happy to have it NOW!

  • @TylerLarson
    @TylerLarson 3 ปีที่แล้ว +12

    *Taking this approach has saved my life!* Thank you!! Never call out the narcissism, gaslighting, and manipulation by name; describe what actually happens. This makes ALL the difference. People who understand the terms will recognize your descriptions and know what you're talking about. For people who DON'T understand.. well, the terms would have been lost on them, but the descriptions are still meaningful.

    • @TylerLarson
      @TylerLarson 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Going through a divorce, this has made all the difference. She calls me a narcissist and accuses me of gaslighting without explanation, assuming people will just believe her. I describe the actual events without judgement or labeling, allowing people to draw their own conclusions.

  • @lctc8534
    @lctc8534 2 ปีที่แล้ว +6

    Found a new therapist because I felt like my previous one didn’t have the right background and was giving my suspected narc too much credit. So grateful to you, Dr. Ramani. You are giving us all so much strength!

    • @Matriarch57
      @Matriarch57 ปีที่แล้ว

      I had been trying for years. I still haven’t found one. If you say you were in a abusive relationship they act as if YOU are suspect. I was actually asked by therapist conducting a required interview for medical purposes, “What did YOU do to them?”
      I would NEVER consult with that therapist even if I needed her while I was going through treatments.

  • @pamtyler9048
    @pamtyler9048 3 ปีที่แล้ว +7

    Thank you Dr Ramani. I have found even with family and friends they dont really seem to agree that my ex is a covert narcissist. Because it's sometimes so difficult to explain. They did not see the side behind closed doors scenario. I protected my children when small and also because I believed it was me. Thank heavens that is no longer the case for me.

  • @_Edition-qx9hf
    @_Edition-qx9hf 3 ปีที่แล้ว +11

    I think this was extremely helpful! the word "narcissist" has lost it's meaning because it's misused a lot. I usually hear the person doing the harm using it to invalidate their target. Also, people don't really know what it really means. Thank you for this!

  • @maureenmcclinch6126
    @maureenmcclinch6126 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

    You have changed my life! 63 years old and I finally have tools to deal with NM!

  • @precious134
    @precious134 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

    Thank you “SISTER “. !!
    That’s how I think of you.

  • @sabat8068
    @sabat8068 3 ปีที่แล้ว +45

    This is so in time, because im finally reaching out for help and was thinking how to sum this up to explain what I'm going through. Thank you soooo much for this video! 🙏

    • @DelphineTheWorstBladeEver
      @DelphineTheWorstBladeEver 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Good luck! Be strong! You can do this :) I believe in you

    • @sabat8068
      @sabat8068 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@DelphineTheWorstBladeEver Thank you dear! I am scared within myself. But I'm not showing it to outside. Especially when i think : what if they don't belive me, what it they think I'm exaggerating.. Etc. I'm scared, real scared he will try to make me the violent, because i have thrown things like pillows and coffee on him when i would lose my plot becsuse he'd never let go until i break. I regret so much for reacting that way, because he will most definitely use it against me. He might even try to take my baby off me.. Im terrified to death now. I'm just starting to bring this to the surface and get help. And I'm sure he will say im crazy and lazy, dangerous and what not. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm scared, but I'm still doing it.

    • @kitusuneeta2878
      @kitusuneeta2878 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@sabat8068 omg, I used to do the same, I would throw things at him n then think I m evil. Until last year, after 40 yrs of marriage I decided I will not be gaslighted. I started meditation n would just leave the room. I totally distance myself from him and then he went for my friends, started becoming nasty to me in front of them n behave rudely with them. I have now had enough, I hv left home but want to be totally free from his clutches. Hopefully my dream of freedom will come soon. You hang in there and don’t waste your life, take the kid and go… good luck.❤️

  • @fmg5512
    @fmg5512 3 ปีที่แล้ว +19

    Use C.R.A.V.E.D. method to describe, rather than using the “narc” word” (like in court or with your boss)
    C - Conflict - high conflict (including covertly, argumentative, always looking for a fight, blow up if you don’t disagree with them, etc.)
    R - Rigidity - unyielding, not amendable to change, not adaptive to a variety of situations. Don’t bend (try to bend them, they’ll snap)
    A - Antagonistic , (manipulative, exploitative, arrogant)
    V - Vulnerable and very vindictive (if they think you were unfair, come after you or talk about you), victimized. (things have unfairly happened to them). [Covert types find passive aggressive ways to be vindictive, e.g., make your life uncomfortable but don’t let you know they are causing it on purpose].
    E - Entitled (One of their most forward-facing traits). When entitlement not met (have to wait in line like everyone else), it’s usually met with a lot of rage, e.g., entitled to knowing about others’ lives, entitled to the seat they want, the space they want, etc.
    D - Dysregulated, very reactive and quick to anger, unable to control their emotions, Under conditions of frustration, disappointment, abandonment or stress, NPDs will lash out and it’ll happen very quickly, in a flash.

  • @RedheadedWritinghood
    @RedheadedWritinghood 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    Thanks again Dr Ramani, I had already thought of NOT using the word anymore or as much. Someone in my family said, when I used the word, "Well you're not a doctor and you can't really diagnose then" and I thought, "Well the word I use is really beside the point" It made me feel invalidated, judged and powerless all over again!!! And I actually thought I would instead say this like. "Dr Ramani really helps me in dealing with and understanding THIS KIND of person" Oh maybe they're NOT a narcissist BUT listening to Dr Ramani just happens to help!!!! LOL

  • @Blakemordious
    @Blakemordious 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    “The word narcissist- is like a well stuffed burrito” - I will never look at a burrito the same again. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!

  • @MCharlerySmith
    @MCharlerySmith 3 ปีที่แล้ว +8

    Great video with a lot of helpful advice. I think the "E" can also stand for emptiness, ego, empathy or emotion of which they have some in spades and others a severe deficit.

  • @jds0981
    @jds0981 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    This is very helpful. In addition, the communal narcs in my workplace usually manipulate others to fight instead of them. They sic their attack dogs on you because they got to remain benevolent.

  • @maggiepie8810
    @maggiepie8810 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    This explains a few people I've had in my life. Argumentative, uncompromising, mean, two-faced, contemptious, revengeful, completely devoid of self-awareness in any way, shape, or form, and with the temper of a three year old.

  • @beabove
    @beabove 3 ปีที่แล้ว +11

    Yay!! Thank you for your brilliance.

  • @glorrioussgg8412
    @glorrioussgg8412 3 ปีที่แล้ว +6

    GM DR Ramani and yes you are HELPING me!!!

  • @juliekeener3416
    @juliekeener3416 3 ปีที่แล้ว +6

    Thank you...thank you....THANK YOU🙏🙌🙌 Dr. Ramini ! YOU have been a lifesaver in my healing journey🙏🙌💞💞💪💪🔥🔥

  • @TylerLarson
    @TylerLarson 3 ปีที่แล้ว +9

    This is good too keep in mind on BOTH sides of the conversation! Especially if you DO work in HR or courts, etc. Narcissists themselves will use terms like narcissism and gaslighting and abuse. But they can't back up those names with useful examples. They'll say you're a narcissist without knowing what it means. Beeing able to describe what's happening makes it meaningful.

  • @roscluaran
    @roscluaran 3 ปีที่แล้ว +17

    Brilliant video! Well done and spot on! You have really captured the true embodiment of the narcissists with your acronym, Dr. Ramani. That is exactly what they are comprised of, along with other facets, but those are the main components. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and knowledge as well as enlightening us and making us fully aware of the true essence of the narcissists.

  • @mfabris1976
    @mfabris1976 3 ปีที่แล้ว +27

    Maybe under "R" include Relevance? Don't narcissists intensely hate anything that makes them feel the slightest bit irrelevant in any situation? Isn't that a big driver of the other terms in the acronym?

    • @antoinetterivera7565
      @antoinetterivera7565 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      .... relevance accurately describes the narc at work. She typically goes off on a tangent, talking about things that have no relevance and at the same time twisting words in a gaslighting way then morphing into a word salad. It's all very effective in both steering people off topic and in ending the 'discussion'.

  • @sparkygump
    @sparkygump 3 ปีที่แล้ว +13

    Good advice. I'd love to have had this advice five years ago.

  • @recoverywithlee2591
    @recoverywithlee2591 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    Create boundaries that will protect from unjust criticism and judgement, such being cautious of those who are not happy about our progress.

  • @kaymackay1161
    @kaymackay1161 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    This so captures my experiences in both my childhood and my marriage...when listening to the description of entitlement I recalled a Christmas present I had especially made for my spouse - a tshirt that said, "I am the exception to the rule." He laughed but never wore it! No doubt he didn't want to advertise one of his trademarks!

  • @johnrouze6280
    @johnrouze6280 3 ปีที่แล้ว +12

    This is perfect and very helpful. This method avoids that "look" given to you by the enablers, and something very useful to help me remained focused and calm while attempting to explain my experiences to Human Resources. Thank you Dr. Ramani!

  • @SL-mq3zn
    @SL-mq3zn 3 ปีที่แล้ว +8

    Thanks Doctor Ramani! This will definitely help in explaining to others about narcissism. I have witnessed that many people get a deer in the headlights syndrome when you come out and say narcissist.

  • @sunflower7532
    @sunflower7532 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    Brilliant and so needed. I had a lot of trouble with my ‘mumbo jumbo psychological labels’ when I used the word narcissist. I did notice the people who warned me off the dating narc used the word abusive and controlling to refer to his history.

  • @jbtechcon7434
    @jbtechcon7434 3 ปีที่แล้ว +14

    Dr Ramani, I often wonder what you'd make of my ex-wife, a clear narcissist with the curious habit of accusing everyone who crossed her of being a narcissist. She actually read quite a lot about pop-psychology and pop-spirituality, but she used all of it not to improve herself but to make excuses for herself and to diagnose/condemn others. Her favorite thing besides calling others narcissists was to accuse them of gaslighting her when she was in the wrong. In your videos that talk about narcissists' tactics, I can't help but think about how she would twist your information to sharpen her accusations against all the narcissists and gaslighters she imagine around her, while remaining oblivious about her own nature.

    • @eddierayvanlynch6133
      @eddierayvanlynch6133 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Our family narc was a devotée of that Wayne Dyer kook in the late 70s and weaponized it. It's really bizarre and so tiring to see this potentially uplifting information used like this.
      Stay Strong 💪

    • @Gracenglory5
      @Gracenglory5 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      It’s very true. I have many in my life like this. Truly crazy making. The blameshifting and ridicule is off the charts. Yet, they have this uncanny ability to look like a peach and smell like roses...if only people looked inside: maggots and treacherous thorns abide.

    • @DelphineTheWorstBladeEver
      @DelphineTheWorstBladeEver 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Just remember that it's very normal to think you might be a narcissist, and to worry that you have traits. While the real narcissists will deny it, and never worry if they are. Unless they're diagnosed, they will never understand. May I suggest a channel called "Mental Healness." Lee Hammock, the self aware narcissist who has been in therapy for 4 years, and has done a complete 180, and still working on himself. You get inside of the narcissist brain, and if you have any questions that aren't answered, he always does a wonderful job at answering them.

    • @jbtechcon7434
      @jbtechcon7434 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @@DelphineTheWorstBladeEver Thank you. I think I'll check that out and maybe pose my question to him too. I think this topic would be worth a whole episode of discussion, because narcs of this type can be the most dangerous, given their access to vulnerable people through their pop-psych and pop-spiritual venues.

    • @olgakim4848
      @olgakim4848 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      It's called "projection"; placing your own negative traits or unwanted emotions onto others. But narcissists don't have a clue that their are projecting because they are worthless dirt bags with less than zero self awareness.

  • @dianajane6185
    @dianajane6185 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    Just to be able to convey even one of these confounding dynamics to live with feels so stabilizing and empowering.

  • @001101011010
    @001101011010 3 ปีที่แล้ว +7

    Thanks dr. Ramani for this. It’s easier to address the definitions than speaking out the word. And people are more willing to accept your argument.
    I always use the definition of communism, ideology, socialism, and racism to address them to my students. Because if you say these taboo words, they trigger negative/positive responses (depending on the individual’s personal beliefs). After I address the definitions, I bring out the terminology, and it becomes much easier to teach them about these concepts.

  • @Supernova-pc8sq
    @Supernova-pc8sq 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

    Much needed vedio today after conflicting with covert narcissist ill father.

  • @katarina9983
    @katarina9983 2 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    This is GOLD. Even just to remind myself what it is that the narcissists in my life have done. Like a mantra when I'm being love bombed. Thank you so much.
    The word "narcissist" is yet another thing that's been destroyed by narcissists. So now that we use it correctly we're being gaslighted by them and met with skepticism by other people who are fearful. Time to take that word back or just call the narcissists "craved" 😉

  • @missiles547
    @missiles547 3 ปีที่แล้ว +13

    Love these videos. Can’t wait for lunch too be able to view it.

    • @blakrumba
      @blakrumba 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      when you're stuck at work and people don't let you LiVE! lol

  • @ir7862
    @ir7862 3 ปีที่แล้ว

    She just oozes intelligence every time she speaks like it’s every day speech.

  • @Gracenglory5
    @Gracenglory5 3 ปีที่แล้ว +10

    This is by far one of the most applicable and helpful video!!! Thank you so much for this breakdown Dr. Ramani!! I’ve needed this for years! So grateful for you and all your determination and passion to give us tools to use to navigate through this. Blessings to you! Praying for you and your loved ones as well! 🙏🏻💞🙌🏻

  • @GreenspudTrades
    @GreenspudTrades 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

    I'm going through a divorce with someone like this. This is one of the most actionable videos you've produced! Thanks so much as I now have the words to describe to other professionals what I've experienced.

  • @wendywiesjahn2343
    @wendywiesjahn2343 3 ปีที่แล้ว +20

    I'd still love a video explaining how to "co- parent" with a narcissist and how to explain to your kids why we can't or will never get along.

    • @thepromiseland.4867
      @thepromiseland.4867 2 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Tell your kids that your dad and I were best friend before but now your dad has got another best friend so we cant live toghther because he has to stay with his best friends and now you(kid) are my best friend. If they are growing up then you dont need to explain them,they will undestand on their own.

    • @KARENboomboomROXX
      @KARENboomboomROXX ปีที่แล้ว

      @@thepromiseland.4867 Right. Ok. So the narc has told your children so many lies and evilness against you they don't believe a word out of your mouth, and do believe everything out of the narcs mouth since they never cried in front of them. It's ridiculous and It's been 30 years. They never see the truth.

  • @titarutledge431
    @titarutledge431 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    My custody battle lasted 10 years with a sociopathic narcissist. I wish I had had this knowledge, then but I know it will help others in the future. We survivors are so grateful for your work, Dr. Ramani .

  • @theforensicbadass
    @theforensicbadass 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    Wonderful acronym.
    We can add:
    C- conflict: competitive without care or compromise
    R- rigid without remorse or responsibility
    A - antagonistic with apathy to assault or attack by Any means
    V - vendictive and void of losing. venerated to show no vulnerability
    E - entitled w empty empathy or endearing care
    D - dysregulated to deceive, denounce and destroy designated person bc they decide they deserve destruction

  • @j.l.w9563
    @j.l.w9563 3 ปีที่แล้ว +5

    Yeah, I got this years ago. It is also very satisfying to explain the actual behaviours. The word narcissism isn't understood even.
    Glad you did this video. Not for me but I think others need it. Even for me it helps with specific explanations.
    Don't remember it write it on One Note! Then it's always there.

  • @LazarL
    @LazarL 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

    I was wondering about this. I had a situation with a coworker, people will ask me why we aren't talking. People are so clueless about these things, he is perceived as "sassy"".

  • @SailorGreenTea
    @SailorGreenTea 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    1:00, you do deserve an award.

  • @rawfit12424
    @rawfit12424 3 ปีที่แล้ว

    "Rigid, maladaptive personalities are like mighty Oaks.. now that's a shame because I love me an Oak tree.." I luv it!!! xo

  • @barbarawarren9443
    @barbarawarren9443 3 ปีที่แล้ว +8

    This description is excellent. It's also more understandable for most people than DSM-5 criteria.