Do you Self-sabotage? Issues with Inner Child Re-parenting.
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 มิ.ย. 2024
- Do you self-sabotage? Issues with inner child re-parenting.
Topics covered in this video: self-sabotage, psychology, healing, inner child, adulting, toxic parents, security, toxic family system, ifs, self-healing, journaling, toxic relationships, triggers, childhood trauma, inner child, inner child work, c-ptsd, ptsd, toxic parents, narcissistic abuse, assertion, mind reading, moods, healing, abusive parents, emotional abuse, childhood ptsd, repressed memories, hypervigilance, narcissistic parents, emotionally abusive parents, child abuse, narcissistic father, childhood emotional neglect, abuse, narcissistic mother, NPD, BPD, dysfunctional family
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
2:04 Idea #1 The Inner Child is Not Bad
2:29 Idea #2 Inner Child Re-parenting is Tricky to Learn
2:47 Idea #3 The Need for Psychoeducation
3:14 Idea #4 Inner Children Present Differently
3:48 Idea #5 Inner Child vs Inner Adult
4:13 Two Main Topics Being Covered in This Video
4:51 Info-graphic Chart
6:30 Role-Play Details
7:26 Role-Play #1 - Setting a Boundary With Partner (Dysfunctional Re-parenting)
8:39 Role-Play #1 - Setting a Boundary With Partner (Dysfunctional Re-parenting) - Analysis
9:21 Role-Play #2 - Setting a Boundary With Partner (Healthy Re-parenting)
21:27 Role-Play #2 - Setting a Boundary With Partner (Healthy Re-parenting) - Analysis
23:21 Role-Play #3 - Asking for a Raise (Dysfunctional Re-parenting)
25:16 Role-Play #3 - Asking for a Raise (Dysfunctional Re-parenting) - Analysis
26:21 Role-Play #4 - Asking for a Raise (Healthy Re-parenting)
36:22 Role-Play #4 - Asking for a Raise (Healthy Re-parenting) - Analysis
37:14 Final Thoughts
38:36 Connect With Me
39:39 Outro
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
MUSIC IS BY - Chris Haugen - Ibiza Dream
• Chris Haugen - Ibiza D...
Editing service
www.jamesrara.com/
⚠️ Disclaimer
My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255
It really struck me when Little Patrick said, "I just don't like being parented", and later when he gave the example about his dad: "Yesterday you were abusive, and today you want to parent me?"
My parents weren't physically or verbally abusive, but they were very emotionally neglectful. Those two lines let me see how much resentment I have about people being patronizing to me, or "parenty" or authoritative. My inner child says, I've had to figure this all out on my own most of the time, who are you to come in and impose your beliefs and rules on me now and upset the balance I've managed to create on my own?
omg yes. thanks for articulating this.
Yes! Agree! So well put! Thank you ❤
Holy! It’s like an allergy.
“I got this! . . . bye!” 😏
@@CikisHelyzet YES!
Trying to force in imaginal nurturing when my system is allergic to it has been extremely harmful in therapy for me.
ONCE in my childhood (8), I told my mother I "hated her" because I was angry about being disciplined (sent to my room). She calmly said, "I love you but I don't like what you did". Life changing moment for me. As a child I learned I was loved❤️ no matter what mistakes I made. I've never forgotten THAT, I'm so blessed.
I got "I love you, but I don't like you very much." As a six year old. Like, WHAT?
Claudia, she separated me from the bad choices I made. My mother didn't like my bad behavior but let me know she still loved me. I am not defined by mistakes or bad things or mistakes I might do. I was not a brat.
I feel discipline for a child teaches right from wrong. I personally don't like un- behaved children. I taught my children manners make the man.
Is it normal for parents to tell their kids that they love them? I tell my own children everyday, but my parents never said that they love me.
@@claudiafurlow1749ive gotten this. Also saying u HAVE to love me. But dont have to LIKE me. Which is a whole other situation of forced unconditional love and by extension resentment. Ive since disowned them.
Wow, you're lucky.
He just made me realize that the reason I struggle so much with adult life, hygiene, self-care, and work/study life is because I got so repulsed by authority that when I, an adult now, need to understand that I'm an authority in my own life and body and need to follow some basic life structures (routine, studying, work schedule, etc), I just rebel against it bc past experiences with my caregivers were awful. Damn.
That’s a really powerful realization…
Same. How am I supposed to trust myself as an authority when all the authorities I had as a child were shitty?
Hurrah
Terry Savelle Foy has several coaching videos on the topic of time management, setting goals, creating vision boards, finding meaning and purpose in life. Very inspiring. It helped me a lot.
At which part did he mention this?
Watching while eating my breakfast on the floor of my new apartment because I don't have any furniture yet. Starting the new year by regaining my independence 💪
You absolutely can do it !
Independence is more important than furniture. I have been without furniture. It will show up in time. Cheering for you.
Wonderful!!!🌷
Same and congratulations
Congratulations on your new home! 💖
'You can't even keep a plant alive' is the most accurate negative self talk I've ever heard in my life. I don't tell myself I'm a loser or I'm worthless but I do love to remind myself I let plants die. I literally have been telling people proudly that I've kept 2 plants alive since May which is kind of a selfburn on its own.
Now I understand why my parents keep giving me plants, even though I told them I allready have too many plants, and why I feel ashamed when I receive them😄
Parking tickets, gas, all the things...
@@pebblebrookbooks4852 Yes!!
Yes! I relate. I've caught myself proudly declaring things I suck at for years and I was wondering what it was that was all about! It's gotten in the way of me feeling good about myself and also in the way of having healthy friendships with other people. When your inner self talk (that's MEAN) comes out and other people hear you talk about yourself that way... It makes healthy people uncomfortable. As it should! It's taking me way too long to figure this shit out. Thank goodness for this guy's videos. They are helping me so much!
@@MamaMailisha ikr? That's all we were validated for at home - sucking at things! I'd rather live in the world that is uncomfortable with that, but we are still strangers there to an extent. Maybe we can consider it a culture we can assimilate to, and thus recognize that it happens over time, not overnight.
I always convince myself I don't quite deserve asking for more, my expectations are too high, I am just acting entitled, and I should be happy with what I have. Now I see why my life feels so small and relationships unsatisfying. Ugh...grateful to see and hard to see!
They are doing their best...is another thing that my mom says to excuse and tolerate bad behavior, and now I see I that is only partly true! They may be doing their best, but i dont have to tolerate it. Kinda scared of where this insight will push me to speak up and change in my life now.
My mum always told me that she was doing her best. That sentence is a real trigger to me now😄
@@unveilingtruth526😢😢
THIS. "As a child you were a genius to use the survival skills you had to survive all that growing up and we need to honor that. What's negative about that is that the trauma conditioning is keeping us stuck in our present and our adult life." It took me a year in therapy to finally understand this concept - it felt like a jammed door I couldn't get through, and when it swung open, I could finally just BEGIN to learn how to heal.
Totally hear ypu on this about the having to really really grasp a concept for those "A-ha!" moments to start the next phase of healing
I worked with a huge ( in every level) 300 lb Lead Teacher; hair trigger temper & sketchy giggle( ug)! I do not miss you HUGE HEIDE
"You're in my heart, and I carry you wherever I go."
This is when I full on ugly cried.
It's ridiculously difficult when the toxic family of origin enforces the self loathing narrative. Any time I mentioned something I was interested in doing, they would treat me like I was a 5 yr old and squash my dreams. I'm 41 now and grieving all the things I could have accomplished had I been someone who believed in myself. 😭💔💔
Same at 40.
We still can. We have to hold onto that cause we can. It hurts but I tell myself what’s the alternative? That voice saying were too late is that fearful inner child.
You still have time! Don’t give up. There is no age limit on change or success.
Feeling this a lot too.
@Yoshi It’s okay to grieve, but realize as others have said, “it’s not too late.”
I’m 65 and just beginning my new life with the “real me.”
It’s late, yes, but not too late, and I am loving it❣️
Oh, and I’ve learned to be *VERY* careful with whom I share my dreams. There are only a few, including my cats 🐈 🐈⬛ (they’re the best❣️)
Yeah I shed some tears over this one, not gonna lie. I would love to see a role play around shame/worthiness. I struggle a lot with that personally.
I can’t agree more, friend. That is what I struggle with most.. when that video inevitably comes out, I hope you watch it! And I’m rooting for us!
Same
Yes....I feel self sabotage is deeply ingrained in me ..
Same here man
Totally agree! The shame is rooted so deep and it's so painful and confusing to detangle it.
'I don't like being parented' This hit deep. I think this is why I challenge authority figures so much. I've never understood why others could so easily follow orders from bosses, etc., without question.
This is literally me. I don’t even want them teaching me how to do anything even the things IDK how to do…I feel like a child.
some people want the boundaries they never had as children. i actually like rules and boundaries.
@@bluebellbeatnik4945 That's good-it's a sign of health! I am leaning more into boundaries and it definitely is a good thing. It is a learning curve for sure!
me tooo i cried
This
“I don’t think it was nice, Patrick. I think it was really, really hurtful.” Literally burst into tears. Not only were things hard, I wasn’t allowed to *feel like* they were hard, and that made it so much harder. Even though that statement wasn’t directed at the viewers it hit me like a gut punch. You two are doing such important work
I felt the same. I was cleaning my room at the time and thought I was only half listening to the video, but as soon as she said that I just froze and tears were streaming. Made me realise this is probably the type of therapy I need..
be careful, he'll block you if you say anything remotely off his script.
@@ichymcgee2315 what?
100% the same here - it hit me so so deep. I also experienced a lot of anxiety while 'adult patrick' dealt with 'dad' .... and I realised how much I still believe ("know") that my mother is almighty and challenging or criticising will end up in pain, rejection and disaster.
same
Without a doubt. It's when my self-doubt kicks in and is like "You can't do this. What were you thinking?" Then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Like the episode of Bojack Horseman called "Stupid Piece of $hit"... So relatable.
Lol same still at 35
Same at 43. Just reading about new year's resolutions and within a millisecond I hear in my head "you dumba**, forget it. You can't keep with anything for more than 5 seconds." Then I get embarrassed and shut everything down. I hate it
@@anneschmidt9587 omg me too.... i've come to realize that the only way i've achieved anything in my life is through mental and emotional abuse of myself... and now that i'm trying to break myself out of that pattern, i am failing and don't know what to do.
Yep. Same still at 51.
65, but I’m learning. Feels so good to learn who I am, what I’m still capable of, actually okay to enjoy living without guilt. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a long way to go! Prayers for all of us “late bloomers.” May we realize we are some of the most beautiful and fragrant flowers. We can do this❣️
38:28 - how to lead with inner adult;
• adding validation
• let bad inner child voice criticisms
• connect to heart space
• not letting child project who the inner adult “really is” (say mom and dad’s copycat)
• don’t let the child steamroll the conversation by being a bully
my "bully" is the only way i've ever achieved anything in my life... so now that i'm trying to break myself out of that, now what??? i feel so lost :(
Thank you! @finasta-nasty
@@ptanyuh You would not believe how much can kindness towards yourself do. I recommend listening to positive affirmations while you sleep 🙂
@@ptanyuh I think you should allow yourself to love what you do , and do things when you're comfortable and not stressed , I mean don't make bullying yourself your only way to achieve your goals, because it steals your happiness and wellness and makes it way harder .
@@ptanyuh if it works its ok
Just don't OVERDO IT on people that don't deserve it
You can do it and if you do it right most of the time then its ok
This made me cry❤ It’s nice to feel understood with this. That it’s not “just us making things up”. How we feel is validated & real.
@@katzinspace ❤❤
Me too 😭
It made me cry too-
@@waeruo ❤❤
@@cdd4248 ❤❤
That line of "you live with me now, I have all the power now" really got me. Sometimes I forget that I'm an adult now and I will never have to be that isolated, depressed little girl living in poverty again. I am finally in charge of my own happiness and I don't have to carry the burdens of others anymore.
That hit me hard as well. I’ve done a lot of work to move forward from childhood trauma but didn’t have the realization that I’m the adult now and that I have the power to care for my inner child in the way that he was not cared for.
I can't wait to experience freedom
Here I am, about to turn 40, never really knowing why I am the way I am, always feeling like I’m different/damaged/not built for this life. I have self sabotaged my way through life, and never been able to kick the depression. It all goes back to my childhood and the roles I played as a kid, just to survive.
I never had kids of my own, and never focussed on myself enough to really carve out a life for myself. In many ways I haven’t advanced past that stage because I always felt like an imposter in this world. Always fearful of everything.
It still feels wrong when I say I’ll be 40 years old this year. I’ve lost so much time, and still feel directionless.
2 years ago I started my therapy journey and have come a long way since. Learning what healthy boundaries are, talking to my inner child, pinpointing where a lot of my inner thoughts came from. I’m working now on trying to free myself from it all. I have lost relationships with some of my family when I asserted myself. I have to be okay with that.
Your videos are very helpful. Thank you!
I identify with this soooo much. I'm 45. Wishing you the best
I know exactly how you feel! Working on self acceptance and being optimistic about the future now I am aware and addressing my inner child challenges. Stay focused and remember small wins are really big wins for us!
"Not built for this life" resonates so much for me.
Same! Much love to you 💗
46 & ditto
I used to be a people pleaser with no solid boundaries until one day at age 29 someone repeatedly crossed a boundary I didn't realize I had. I had a "last straw" moment where my "adult brain" took over and It was one of the most empowering moments of my life. From that point forward I have felt more self respect and confidence than ever before.
1) Inner child is not bad.
2) Inner child reparenting is tricky to learn.
3) The need for psychoeducation.
4) Inner children present in many different ways.
5) Inner child vs. Inner adult.
Twenty minutes before starting this video, I was brushing my teeth, asking myself why I was avoiding a conversation I need to have with my spouse regarding something that is important to me and a potential life changing event based on how the conversation goes. I was afraid of her avoiding it again, and I falling back to one of my core beliefs. Then I saw this video after coming back to my computer and refreshing TH-cam. Then I watched the first 20 or so minutes, and watched the role play for Boundary with Partner. Then I felt myself starting to do it in the back of my mind, except yeah, I had to restrain my parent of origin. My inner child cried.
Talk about timing. I'd been reading on this stuff, but had no idea how to do it to get my inner child to listen. This was the first time I got my inner child to not run away. Thanks.
how did the conversation literally transpire without too many details please
@@2MinuteHockey it was calm. Most of the time, it's a "nope, we're done here" style conversation. But this time, not. It was as if child me heard the video and was curious. And we talked, and it was cool. Parent was short and sweet. And child me felt... Venerated I guess? And then I told him how much I respect him for what he dealt with back then but now I have his back and he has nothing to fear. Let me hold onto it all. Talked to the spouse an hour later.
❤
31:25 “I guess I don’t like being parented….’Of course you don’t…it was not anything that was positive in your life’ ”
That one immediately got me crying. My parents always needed me to save them while kicking me for being me
It got me crying and then I cried again reading that you did
This hit hard.
Kmw.
I had a swarm of flashbacks reading this. Sorry you went through it too
Sounds like narcissists.
I worked against my demons (ie my mother lol) so so hard throughout college to go to medical school. I don’t even like medicine, but it seemed like the only way to escape my parents. Then when I got in, my mother doubled down on her attacks all the way up to trying to force me into a marriage (yes in America). That, combined with a deep feeling like I never deserved any success in life, caused me to have a hidden mental breakdown and fail out. It obviously destroyed my life and made me dependent on those parents even more for like the next 5-6 years. I lucked into a way out, and now I am four years from that starting to rebuild. In between there has been lots of sabotage form my mother, and then self sabotage too. But earlier 2021 I finally went very low contacts with her, and I’ve never been better. Back then there weren’t channels like yours, these are seriously a godsend to save people in those situations now.
I went through all of this too. I live in another State now it helps.
I feel you. I’m glad you’re healing your inner child and protecting yourself from your mother.
I’m proud to leave my country in order to do my own healing work away from the environment I was felt neglected and unsafe.
Thank goodness for TH-cam and amazing people who are sharing their healing work into the world. 🙏🏼
"Hidden mental breakdown" I never thought of describing it that way, but that happened to me too. Although it felt like a mental, emotional, and physical breakdown. I've never been the same since. I hid it because it didn't feel safe to tell anyone what I was going through.
Keep going, make some distance and be glad you are now learning and growing and doing better.
Omg, someone else also coerced into medical school that didn't become a doctor? Yes, my people!!! I was emotionally blackmailed by my father to leave the US and go to his home country and attend medical school. I graduated but could never feel confident enough to take the USMLE in time to be considered a recent graduate because of intense imposter syndrome fueled by my professors reinforcing the idea that American students were only passing classes because they pay huge amounts of money for tuition as foreign students. So now I have an expensive as heck bachelors degree (MBBS) that I can't use for anything, lol. I'm still in the "getting out" phase but it's nice to know that one of us nondoctors has made it! You're amazing and thanks for the boost in morale!
I think that’s the first time I got a literal picture of what reparenting could look like. I’d love to see more. (I’m also open to paying for additional content like that. It was so impressive!)
I identified so much with the disgusted, disrespected child. It's nice to feel represented for once, I always hear about those abused children who still love their parents and fear them, and I totally empathize, but I felt totally left out because that's not how I feel/felt at all.
Used to have a huge problem with self sabotage in school. A lot of the teachers didn’t believe I had it in me to be a top student so I thought “whats the point?” And subconsciously sabotaged my grades- completing assignments but not turning them in for example. I’ve been wanting to pursue mechanical and biomedical engineering, but don’t want to fall back into old habits. I want to succeed and see how far my efforts can actually get me.
I started studying again as an adult. It isn't always easy but it has made me much happier. I used to have nightmares of school; now I hardly have them anymore. I would totally recommend going back to school!
I have the same issue and thinking of going back to school but this time it's better. This time it's just me and my dreams. Goodluck with yours!
I believe in you.
This is exactly me, it was my mother who humiliated n mocked and taunted n made me feel like a worthless person, whom she is so ashamed of. I can’t even remember when I started self sabotaging my grades n eventually became a back bencher from being top 10 of my class. I desperately want to overcome this. I’m in immense fight with myself 24*7*365 days
You can do it! I wholeheartedly believe in you ❤
I'm so grateful I got into nannying in my twenties so I could see good parenting modeled for the first time. It was life changing
This is interesting and I never thought about that being helpful. What are some healthy parenting things you learned?
@@foxroxy86 a healthy parent regulates their own emotions and understands that a toddler is going to have meltdowns. They do what's necessary to care for themselves so they're the best parent they can be. They are low drama. They communicate well. They are loving without condition. They treat me like a human. They have excellent boundaries with everyone, including their kids.
You are spot on. At age 62 I enjoy looking at parenting videos at “life on purpose” which is validating and calming for me. “The Crappy Chilhood Therapist” is also a great resource.
Same, never would have thought working in a kindergarten would be so eye opening.
@@leeboriack8054 Yes, I’ve enjoyed her channel, too. The name could be a bit confusing, I’ve always thought. But she made it clear it’s the *Childhood* that was crappy. Not the therapist! Is it The Crappy Childhood Fairy? Or did she change it?
I never realized just how stuck in my trauma I was until I had to face a group of managers about a workplace injury I needed to see a work-appointed doctor for. I was so scared I actually wanted to just keep working with torn ankle ligaments! In the end I didn't have to be worried at all, they were all really kind to me.
I kind of get stuck when I start thinking about how my parents were fucked up because of their trauma and it prevents me from ... seeing my trauma and all I do is start caring for others. I always abandon myself
Wow, once the healthy model shows up, instantly I realized that my inner child is the boss
Absolutely, especially when I am in a ruminating mode.
Being an empath along with the scapegoat of a toxic unit is difficult, all this combined is my serious recipe for self sabotage.
It can be crazy making.
I really identify with this. Therapists have said I'm an empath. Then I was in an abusive relationship for 6+ years and now I'm sloooooowwwwlllly putting myself back together. Like a Lego at a time. He was actually worse than my mom, and everything was ALWAYS my fault. My counselor isn't good, and I'm looking for a new one. I wish finding a counselor was easier.
The role plays were so helpful. I need to study more about the inner child. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and your wisdom.
@@anneschmidt9587 hey thanks for reaching out and most of all relating. My relationships have also been the same all round. It’s horribly taxing especially when your honest remorseful and have no hidden agenda.
I also listen to @AnneToolan and the crappy childhood fairy.
GL with finding the right counselor I’m also on this path as well
Wishing you wellness✌🏽
@@DM-jt9io maybe you could listen to the crappy childhood fairy she is open honest, informative and insightful. GL
@A.Sym8. I can relate to being an empath or HSP and the Scapegoat role. It’s a very painful combination, but take heart❣️ It can get better. These and similar channels are invaluable❣️
Sending loving thoughts your way.
The role plays are often really helpful because you get to hear the stuff you need to/they are so validating.
Because childhood trauma is this big secret guilt you carry, and these role plays just call it out and say “that was bad.”
"I'll talk to you however I want!" That hit so hard! So true. I gotta work on shutting that DOWN! Thank you so much for this Patrick and Amanda. You guys are AMAZING!
Yep!!
Oh that quote is sad! I finally got this - when an abuser is choosing to do a character attack session, the words themselves have no meaning - they are trying to hurt someone. That gave me psychological distance. That said, I wouldn't be around them because choosing to hurt others is what they do. Ignore me if I am wrong! Wishing good things to you!
God my abusive father still does this. I am 51 years old now and he still will say things like “I’m your father and I can speak to you how I want!” Usually I fight back but the last time he told me I wasn’t a decent person (because I haven’t gotten “back to work”) and that my emotions are dangerous and I need serious help. I am an HSP with childhood and adulthood trauma. I’m also ferocious with defending myself and boundaries. But it’s still very much present with him.
I know I’m a good and decent person. I’m unconventional and always have been. I am struggling after the pandemic but also on a deep mystical journey. I’m doing the best I can as a single woman.
@@mclare71 I think almost none of them ever stop. I kept saying to myself, they would. Nope.
I am hoping the best for you. You see your inner decency as a person. And - what if your uniqueness is what the world needs? Best!
Stay true to yourself. My dad is the same, I know how difficult it is to feel shamed or judged.@@mclare71
When I get past self sabatoge (aka limiting or self defeating identity) I can do ANYTHING!❤Let's let this go!
There was something.. oddly therapeutic about the roll play exercises between scenarios 🙂
I wish my experiences with therapy were ever good when I was younger, more like this! I never felt safe in therapy. That's alright.
I think that's why I love this channel! Thanks, Patrick!
The second one had me crying right from the start. As soon as she started with the criticism I was crying. That constant inner critic is so hard to hear.
Listening to this I kept thinking about how I self-sabotage as an artist. I'm an art teacher and decided to try and sell my watercolors as digital prints. Painting for myself slowly turned to lots of fear about getting it right and validation from others. My mom, who I love very much and has a lot of trauma herself, used to yell at me as a little kid if I got answers wrong while studying for tests with her. It would paralyzed me. I'm currently in therapy and working on it all but man, I see the fear pop up for me and it's so difficult to overcome. I keep trying to push though and just enjoy the process, kind of like I tell my students who deal with so much perfectionism. That little kid in me just wants to get it right so badly : )
Currently crying while watching this. I know my childhood trauma is part of my self sabotage but I couldn’t connect them. Thank you so much, this one of the best mental health videos I have watched.
Reparenting oneself is difficult, much like learning to speak an new language with out your native tongue’s accent coming through.
I'm 55, I started this work a few months ago. I regularly break out in tears while listening/watching your videos. I'm slowly healing places of hurt I was afraid of for my whole life. Thank you, thank you, thank you ❤️
Same. 33 and finally have concepts for things i couldn't put words to
I’ve never seen role playing for childhood trauma. This is excellent. I enjoyed belligerent Inner Child Patrick, 😂, only bc as soon as I heard him curse, I felt like I was looking at myself.
I would absolutely appreciate more role playing videos. 🙂
Yes please!!
I'm 51 and just starting to realize how the mental abuse I had to deal with as a kid fuels my current negative self-talk. I think the physical abuse as a child was so severe I focused completely on that without understanding the more subtle abuse that laid the foundation for self doubt and feelings of unworthiness.
It's a bizarre thing to see how irrational my inner critic (child) is and intellectually understand my thoughts are inconsistent with reality, but also completely believe the negative self talk at the same time. Your videos are helping me not only understand what's happening, but they also give concrete tools to heal. Thank you
Wow, that was great. Really got into the core of the inner struggles. My inner child definitely struggles with trust - for good reason. The whole concept of "not trusting the OK" hits the nail on the head. I like the idea of not asking or expecting the inner child to just trust, but to wait and see and go at their own pace. The boundaries and limits is so useful too and to move from disgust and name-calling into feelings.
Here are my comments on the first three role plays:
1. The first skit had me
Sobbing uncontrollably.
2. The second one had me rolling on the floor. I had a hard laugh!
3. The third one is effing hilarious! But real af.
Thank you for the emotional roller coaster storm. I’m in my feelings now…I appreciate this.
Omg....the role playing was so validating, helpful and on point in how I re-parent my little Nancy.
🧡 I protect her now. I comfort her and reassure her that I, the adult, will be her voice, because I understand her and will comfort her.
👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾
How do you do that? I simply can't disconnect from myself enough to treat any part of me as separate, it feels wrong and upsetting, and I can never make progress. Even thinking about myself in a kind manner is like stepping in tar.
Is it self sabotage of we really don't have any idea what a functional relationship look like or what love really is? We don't know what we really want because what we really want doesn't seem available.
I wish i knew this so many times in my 20s and 30s...I hope its not too late...I put myself through years and years of self sabotage..I just couldn't see a way out. For a long time. This work is priceless..it would've saved areas of my life and parts of me over and over again.
It's not too late! 😊
Unfortunately, the "Cartman's mom" analogy is actually a seriously perfect one. The Cartman/Carmen's mom dynamic is maybe a bit of an exaggerated example, but that's basically what the enabling parent looks like in practice.
So true, we know Cartman is an a**hole but we forget what kinds of environments (and parents) create someone like him
Role playing is an indeed a fantastic way to show the “inner child” what’s healthy and what’s unhealthy. They lacked that role model to teach them what’s right and what’s not ok.
You see, I was the one who was abusive in my most recent relationship - the child in me has this intense fear of abandonment that I just gave up the power to parent which resulted into me being highly toxic to my ex girlfriend whom only showed care and understanding but I didn't see it as that, I saw it as fake. Being single for a long time and being alone in general gave me the opportunity to see that I was the issue. That I needed to improve so I can be better towards myself and for those people around me.
I would like to thank you Patrick for this video. It's really helpful for us who wants to get better but doesn't have the money to go to theraphy.
I can see that I let my inner child call the shots alot. When I need to step up, the inner child doesn't want me to and I can be very passive. However, at other times I lash out at others. Sometimes I feel like 2 different people
Loved the role play. Bc that is what it’s often like trying to talk to the inner child. Even the demeanor of both people as the inner child is exactly how it seems. They can surprise you with the intensity or insight or feelings they have, it’s wild to be surprised by what your own psyche says to you, and shut down or be non responsive, and I just loved the modeling of healthy parenting and acceptance of our inner child here ❤
Love when the inner adult said this relationship is your responsibility and inner child said you can't do this you can't even pay a parking ticket lol
It’s 2:00 am in the morning, I was having a panic attack. I watched this video, you have no idea how much I relate to this video. It made me cry, when you guys were acting the inner child & adult relationship, it was exactly how I have fought against the people who physically and verbally abused me as a child. I have bipolar disorder and I feel so sorry for myself. I was just an innocent kid, I didn’t deserve that💔
When I think about my issues as inner child issues it's easier to brush over, but saying it's my amygdala really hits home that I need to stop putting this off and address it.
This entire video brought tears to me eyes. Because it's so true, raw, and eye-opening. I just came to a big realization that almost all my everyday life reactions are coming from my inner child's protective survival mechanisms as coping mechanism. Which are now no longer needed and are keeping me from living my life and living in constant fear. Really useful content and details, especially on how to help yourself and how to heal. I'm aware it's a process and it takes time. Just like it took time for us to adjust to disregulated parents, alcoholic mothers, etc. It wasn't an overnight process.
My boyfriend just happened to kickstart this process for me when we started getting close by being the first person to not treat me like I was a spoiled brat because my mom was in the military, but empathized with my struggles of an unstable home. "You live with me now and I have the power" to myself has already changed my life. Thank you both so much for making content on how to heal.
This was so great. I can use the first model on an issue I’m having now. Watching Patrick and his mentor Amanda role play moved me to tears as an example of love. I love this.
讲的真的太好了，很多次以为是我国家的文化造成了这种原因，一次次对内在否定的声音感到厌倦和绝望，但是看到有这么好的视频，有这么多一样经历的，来自五湖四海的人。我非常感谢这个频道，每次听完都觉得得到救赎
“You’re in my heart and I carry you wherever I go” that line made me cry… thanks to the two of you ❤
"How do I trust you?"
"You don't. Not until I earn it!"
💎💎💎
"I'm in control now. You live with me. I have all the power. You don't live with him [/her/them] anymore. You’re in my heart and I carry you wherever I go” ... OMG 😖😭😭😭
And, wow, you both nailed the Disgusted Inner Child v Self-Loathing Inner Adult. I experience versions of this inner duologue all the freakin' time. I would never (be able to get away with) speak to my actual parents this way, but my own inner critic is absolutely brutal and lightning fast with self-criticism, blaming and shaming.
Thank you both so much for the suggestions re: what to practice saying as a Healthy, Firm, Empowered Inner Adult. Finally a "script" I can actually practice to retrain my inner dialogue! ❤
I really appreciate these role plays. Thank you for putting yourself out there and doing this
What about the "what's the point? Why do I even have to keep putting up with discomfort and pain?" inner dialogue that leads you to just quitting the job? This is the issue I have. I honestly believed as an adult I would escape my abusive childhood and be able to save myself from dealing with discomfort and pain. I am slowly learning that you never fully get rid of pain in life. I have a self-sabotage that just causes me to jump ship from anything that makes me uncomfortable. This means it's hard to keep relationships or jobs. I am more aware of this now through journaling and self reflection. Do you have any tips for this?
Yes! This is so prevalent in my life as well. It’s such a struggle.
me rn but it’s my fault really.
“Dad, you’re supposed to be safe.”
Ooh, that hit me. Mine violated every single aspect of safety & trust. He died when I was 14, and I’ve never missed him.
I did the gestalt method to rescue my inner child 6 year's ago. One session a month for 12 month's, changed me radically.
But I mostly had pretty strong boundaries, I would just tell people to
"Fuck off"
If they crossed my boundaries. Also I've mostly given help to a person from a position of strength.
If my inner child from time to time, maybe once or twice a year says to me
"I'm not worthy of this, that or the other."
I tell him
"Bollocks, you are worthy, your strong, your a good boy and daddy loves you, and you are worthy of this, that and the other. Your kind, creative and loving, you are worthy, now come on, be strong my son cos daddy loves you."
That's kinda how I've been doing it the last 6 year's.
Thanks.
Saint Anger
Yo inner child Patrick is a MENACE, that line about getting a raise from the boss had me dying lol. The fact that you both were so committed to the parts of the inner adult vs the inner child had me super captivated, it was really helpful to watch a full conversation take place, and I felt like i was following along with my own inner dialogue. Very cool vid, thank you
You helped me heal so I could heal others. Keep evolving, love.
“We’re going to bring your dad in now and talk to him” … instant dread. Thank you for providing this resource and giving us more mechanisms to work through our past.
I cried during both of these healthy role plays with parent and inner child. Having both parents neglect me and verbally abuse me. My dad hit me a few times and when I went to my mum she ignored me and was too busy. Literally love this channel so much. So much has shifted and made sense in a short space of time. So much love to you Patrick for the resources ❤❤
The healthy dialogues between inner parent and inner child were very good to watch. I have struggled with repressed feelings for Years out of the need for safety- and over time I've started to become more open- but with that is more crying, more struggling, and it's caused tension with my own mother. These dialogues were healing and helpful, and I appreciate what your doing for this community. Thank you Patrick and Amanda ❤️
This made me cry too. It was very very helpful - I had a massive realisation while watching that my mother really was a terrible parent and that my adult self can call it and can go in to bat as you said! Thank you for this powerful role play. This is going to be a great resource..
I was sobbing, virtual hugs!
Same here, this was so difficult to hear, even after everything I had to endure. Keep up the great work, be kind to your inner self
Was not expecting to cry today. Thank you for sharing this exercise.
The 16 minute mark hit hard, coming from someone who has no memory of receiving hugs or any sort of affection from my parents growing up. I’ve learned to shut down so much and I’m only learning to reconnect to myself. Thank you for all you do.
Last week I noticed this channel. Watching both your and Doc Snipes videos made me understand my girlfriends emotions a looooooot more. It made me more patient, loving and accepting. I am learning what is helpful and what is not helping. I am really thankful for your videos.
I need a copy of you.
Listening to the conversation between you makes my throat feel so tight and I sweat so much; it makes me want to cry because it hurts so much. I experience the same feelings of fear about upsetting others and being shamed so I run away from doing it.
I relate to this so much. Here's to all the little Patricks out there - you are seen and you didn't deserve it.
Hi Patrick
Is it possible you could one day do a video on CPTSD and how it can affect social bonding , in women especially as they grow older.? My mother was highly abusive to me as a child and throughout my childhood most of the abuse I've ever received was from women. This has led me to have a generalized mistrust, disdain and inability to relate to other women in my life. I can have very successful platonic relationships with men but for women I can't maintain those relationships and extend beyond small talk. I have some female friends that are women that I trust but they don't act as traditional women do or have underlying masculine personalities. This inability and unwillingness to open up to other women and general standoffishness tends to lead to tension and the erosion of the relationship because they assume I have an issue with them personally even if I've done or said nothing personally offensive.
I highly recomend reading bell hooks and other books related in regards to gender dynamics and getting past specifically patriarcal abuse, maybe that could do something for you but thats also just my experience. Good luck!
Hi Brie - I have this issue, too. I think we have issues forming friendships with women (in my case older ones in particular) because our inner children don’t see them as safe. And due to the abuse we endured, our perception of what is safe and what isn’t is also skewed which leads to further abuse. I think reparenting the inner child is probably the best direction. I can’t remember if Patrick has any inner child videos specifically relating directly to determining which people are safe vs. which people aren’t. I’d have to check, but I’d start with the little girl inside. If you can show and prove to her women are safe your relationships with them should also improve.
Maybe your female friends, with 'underlying masculine personnalities' are just adult women. 🙂
I can really recommend Bell Hooks too or any other sources on misogyny/internalized misogyny 💛
I stumbled in here and this so far is exactly what I need.
"You live with me now."
I bursted out crying after this. I felt so sad, then relieved, then I could 'see' my inner adult sort of watching my inner child cry with sympathy.
I'm the distrusting, fearful. The healthy inner adult talking to that inner child is currently making me cry. This is perfectly what I needed
Only in the last 9 yrs. or so have I felt that I have lost my power and strength to be a strong inner child. As I have aged and my health has waned, I am less able to stand up for myself with toxic and shaming family members. I want to be BRAVE again! and be able to speak my Truth...again! I HATE the WEAK PLACE I am now in !!😣😵😱
Maybe your inner adult can take over for that exhausted inner baby. Much healing to you!
@@thenadie8 Thank you; you're very kind. And I hope you also will find what you want. This is quite an amazing therapist. 🌟🌟🌟🥰
This gave me chills, the role play was really insightful. Thank you Patrick and Amanda, I'm so grateful for these resources!
Parenting wasn't as much of a problem for me as school was - I was picked on a lot because I was "different" (likely the result of being on the autism spectrum, which not as well understood and less accepted back then). The teachers did nothing about it until it got really bad (including in high school, when it got to the point of the police being involved). While they had good intentions, my parents often said it was because I would get upset or that "they wanted to be friends", which today I know were not true - same goes for that old "Sticks and stones can break my bones" adage (which is not true because words are pretty darn powerful and can leave scars deeper than any broken bone)
While I have made good progress as an adult - getting a pilot's license despite being told I would never be allowed to drive, earning multiple degrees, and earning a steady income, I am very humble about them - possibly because people did not take notice of or flat out shot down my achievements when I was younger. There seemed to just too much emphasis on the things I did wrong.
I'm nearly 40 and still single, partly because I just do not have the guts to ask a woman out in fear of getting rejected
A person as accomplished as you are needs to ask women out....they will love ypu!!
There's nothing wrong with rejection. I had to learn that it is ok
Someone rejecting You will often have nothing to do with You personally,but often their own problems, emotional state, fear of closeness. You sound like a fascinating man, an accomplished one at that. One unafraid of his emotions, his fragility. That's unique. That's special. You are special. Believe it, because I bet other people do,even if You don't,can't see it. We, women, aren't that much different emotionally, it's not a riddle to capture a woman's heart as it's portrayed in media sometimes. You have all it takes. You deserve love, attention and respect. Many women would feel undeserving of having a guy like you pursue her. A pilot's license? Degrees? You know how RARE it is?
You are special. You are deserving. Everything You desire You can reach. Fight for it as You've fought for all Your significant achievements.
I believe in You. And I understand. I really, really do.
Omg this video is very important. My father and mother were not physically abusive but critiqued everything I do everything... now I avoid doing the necessary work altogether just so that there is no I told you so moment. I lie a lot. I feel like I want to run so bad but my feet are glued. Just knowing that there are other people like me makes me feel so much better ... time to take care of that inner child
I got a little choked up during the role playing.
Thank you for this. It showed that I need to pursue some help/attention outside my own understanding and that I have an inability to fully care for myself.
I've always loved art. All kinds of art. I spent many days drawing as an escape.
I've never been good enough. So my art has never been good enough. I always kept it all to myself. Afraid to even let anyone see any of my art for fear of rejection.
Now I'm chasing what I love and drawing plants has combined two of my greatest passions.
Yes, it still hurts to feel rejected, over looked and forgotten. It hurts that no one I know is willing to share my art. But I'm doing it for me now!
If I make something of myself, my kids will benefit and I can die knowing I followed at least one dream, even if it never amounts to anything.
I put myself out there.
I never would have done that 2 years ago.
you deserve so much more than a comment from me. Im a 27 year old first time father and i had survial tramua brain up until covid hit. Living now, facing my childhood trauma had been a long road as you can see its 2023 and im telling you made very little progress. You are doing amazing work and from the deepest part of my soul thank you
It was an intense session. I relate to both children, especially the second one. It's still a bit unclear to me how this adult-child dynamic plays out IRL, haven't understood everything about that. Maybe it's too early to grasp, for now I'm just becoming aware of what I experienced as a child (and validating and acknowledging it, as opposed to feeling guilty seeing my parents negatively. It takes lots energy). I have shame around difficulties coping with life's challenges, and fear around getting help. Part of me believes that I am bad, so I have to control what I show to therapists otherwise they won't love me and won't want to help me. I have a very long way to go, though I also made huge progresses already.
I believe the way it plays out in real life is our inner self-talk. Most of the time it passes unnoticed. But when you start to learn how to listen to your thoughts through journaling for example, you understand that your patterns are unhealthy
This guy makes me smile because when he says "do you ever.." and it's all me
I’m absolutely floored at how helpful and healing this has the potential to be.
Man was that insightful... I never understood how to reparent healthily, cuz I never knew how to assert within the IFS... Gotta rewatch and write down the script for the healthy parent
That part about needing help! You get to have that. Whew and about never trusting the okay!👀👏🏻
I love this so much. I will be studying this one over and over again. I sent $10 but seriously this is PRICELESS!!! 🙏❤
Wow perfect timing. I have been taking steps to get into a 9 to 5 job which would provide some much needed stability and financial independence. But every time I've tried in the past my inner child has absolutely gotten overwhelmed and everything would become terrible. I'm going to try and work on my inner adult connecting with my inner child to see what's going on, but this time, I'm going to be more confident about taking this step.
Your inner adult has got this 😊 Good luck!
Your videos are usually slower-paced, so Amanda came on strong to both me and my inner child.
I got emeshed with my overbearing mother and it is SO UNUSUAL (and intimidating) to witness an assertive female figure. I never knew they existed.
Edit: the assertive female parent felt so uncomfortable because the way that i relate to women (my mother especially) is by caretaking and Amanda left no space for caretaking her (which is what a healthy parent should do?).
This kind of dialogue… showing how to dialogue is so important! Otherwise, it’s just undefined feeling. Thank you.
God this hit me so hard. Little Patrick sounded EXACTLY like me any time I consider trying to stick up for myself or make changes that adult me knows would be good for me. Even as an adult, in relationships, when I've managed to convince my inner child it's okay to communicate my needs, I've had partners who ignore me or are abusive, further wounding my inner child. Little Patrick sounded exactly like me and that second roleplay made me cry
Sometimes I check out how well a channel is doing and think to myself "oh look a toxic professional roping millions of people along their path of destruction" but not here. Patrick, you are sincere in your practice and it really shows. It really, really shows. I'm so glad your channel is doing so well :) Bravo.
I think the digusted/disrespectful child part really hit me. Some of the things you guys said like “you can’t do that, you’re horrible at that”-that’s literally the voice in my head anytime I make the slightest mistake or embarrass myself with an awkward conversation. I’ve been trying to catch myself anytime I make self-loathing comments, but I never really understood where the root of it all comes from. Thank you for making videos like these. They really help!
Thank you, Patrick 💕 for your generous and strong heart. The role playing seems to allow more honesty to come out.
I have D.I.D. There are literally hundreds of inner children in various states of fight, flee, freeze, collapse/shut down. We're doing our best to build connections with each other and learn to work as a team for our WHOLE well being. It's very, very challenging but we are ALL worth the effort. We know we came from Love to help the little girl we were all born from to survive horrific, ongoing abuse, some of the worst human evil out there. Some of us fear integration because we don't want to contaminate her with our memories. She was asleep, kept safe, we had to protect the innocence because the evil people who sold us into trafficking, child porn and trauma based mind control when we were 2 yrs old, tried to destroy it. We were used in this way into our 20's. We didn't escape till 42. It was the family we were adopted into that did all this evil.