I went no contact with my mom for a year. There was no other way, I was so heartbroken, over 20 years of failed mother daughter relationship never getting better. I blamed her for everything. Then her mom died, the nursing home couldn’t get a hold of her and called me a year into no contact, I had to call her. I told her the news and she wanted to talk, I told her I would only talk to her in therapy. This was early 2022, now two years into therapy every single week we have not fought in over a year. She even got her own therapist. It’s truly amazing if both people are ready to heal.
I am now over 70 years old. Love your channel and what it has taught me. Here's the thing which you maybe you can comment. Looking back, my entire childhood, me and my siblings spent every single day trying to gauge and understand our mother's crazy moods. It has taken me this long to figure that out. And I really regret it. Makes me angry. No kid should have to spend time figuring out parent's demeanor. Yes or No?
I’m an only child so I didn’t have the benefit of siblings to back me up or help me go through it my mother was bipolar so every day was like walking on eggshells. In many situations I had to parent her. And you’re right, no child should ever have to deal with that
Awful and makes you hyper vigilant around other people in real life, outside of the dysfunctional home :( Harddd relate on that, folks I ended up reading too much into people's innocuous face expressions or movements, I get triggered so much. The same goes for people being upset and in close proximity to me in general, I feel like a small child in danger again, my heart rate speeding up ... which also kind of resulted in social anxiety and as Pete Walker would call it persecution mania. Do you sometimes feel like a group of people laughing behind your back (literally physically behind you), are laughing at you?
I froze up so bad in high school and couldn't think either I went from mostly A's and B's to almost failed out of high school but the new principal was new age and really caring and he decided to let me graduate everyone probably thought I had ADD but I was frozen it wasn't lack of concentration
Lost my voice during childhood and carried that into adulthood - leading my poor decision making- the straw that broke it was the birth of my daughter and realizing my voice STILL wasn’t heard as a mother causing a divide that eventually led to divorce (waiting for my daughter to attend college). The divide placed my daughter in therapy. With her encouragement I’m now beginning the process of addressing ghosts I kept hidden in Pandora’s box. ❤❤❤
Sounds like you have done a lot of work to truly face how things took place for you. I hope things continue to progress in a healthy direction for you. 🌿
Thank you for being a parent and person that can reflect on things and not be afraid to acknowledge the outside sources that caused your issues, recognizing how it affected you, take accountability for your own choices and the unfortunate ways they may have realistically affected others, see things for what they were and for respecting your child needing to get therapy. Thank you for having ownership AND acceptance of both what you were a victim of and what you unintentionally made a victim of your own hurts, no matter how much you never meant to. Good for you for having the strength to keep going and to not give up on healing.
"Messy can still be progress ❤" I sought counseling 4 times in my past. Working directly with a counselor helped me big time, but their job is to push me to resolve my personal difficulties within 8 weeks, two of them have said to me. I like efficiency, and I do feel like I developed solid inner adult skills with their help. However, out on my own, it's soothing and assuring to hear that "a win is a win". I feel strongly about my perception from childhood and now and from now on, so there's far less effery in my life lately. Messy is progress. Remembering this helps me keep hope in my new relationship, stick to my plans for the year, and give me some peace each day. Please keep doing these Q&A's! They give people hope ❤️🔥
@@karencreighton7939 omg thought I was the only one,y one! As I started to work through my recovery I first realized I was now starting to use my codependent behaviors on my cats! I so agree with you! Starting to set boundaries with them too! Realizing doesn’t mean we do t love them it means we do! Good luck to you! ❤️🐈
For the person who asked the first question and others - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and all Dr Gibson's books will do miracles to your perception of yourself and your parents in a conflict. She has TH-cam videos too. Thank you, Patrick, for the amazing video, please continue your important work!
I saw a video of hers but it and the advice didn't apply to malignant personality disordered parents. Useful for nonmalignant parents. Maybe she goes into that elsewhere. Patrick is right on the mark.
Wow - I thought I had the weirdly specific reaction to conflict of being unable to speak. Thank you both for the insight into that this is common, and how to address it..
At this stage of my life/health, all my conflict situations are medical and insurance related. The fifteen minute doctor appointment is prime territory for triggering my "not being heard" issues. I try to advocate for myself and end up in a fog. Thanks life, for giving me more opportunities to work on my issues!!
@@leanne123Here in the UK it’s strictly “one issue per appointment” and this is widely advertised in the waiting rooms of the general practices. Appointments last UP TO 10 minutes, but patients are usually rushed out of the room before 10 minutes is up. Say you are someone with complex health that has moved area - you did fill out the form for your medical history to be moved from your previous practice to the new one but as well all know for some unknown reason, this is not possible to do in the NHS - then you need to start from ground 0 again, even if you have symptoms that amount close to hundred. Complex health is just that… complex. What happens to patients like this very often, is that they are then misunderstood and labelled as anxious, BPD and fibromyalgia instead or years before true illness comes forth - meanwhile they had sought care for their debilitating symptoms and were left suffering, because the new practice mislabelled and did not believe to take the symptoms more seriously, and in order to save money no serious testing was referred. Until of course, eventually, need be and diagnosis is reached. Praying for people who are stuck in this system.
"feelings are okay. It's okay to have emotions and feel stuff. It's okay to feel upset or frustrated or angry. This sucks. It's just feelings, it's not a physical reality." I remember to do breathing exercises, tap my fingers and say 'it is what it is' repeatedly, say a prayer if necessary or, my favorite, sing "Just keep Swimming."
What was valuable to me was knowing when and how to speak up but more importantly knowing when to dial back. I’m in this exact situation since cutting off contact from my abusive family, and it seems like more and more I’ve been exploding over every conflict with my spouse and have villainized him 😢 I’m so proud of myself that in an argument instead of crying and exploding I remained calm ❤ thank you for this! It really helped me 😊
One counselor told me to dial back. I like her, she listened to me a lot and shared with me that I can be too intense. She suggested that I consider dialing it back 50% when I notice I feel intensely in conversations 🪷 that was very helpful when I was dealing with family trouble
As you become more aware of where the rxn is coming from the more it helps. Just practice in disagreements with spouses and trusted friends to ask yourself during or after - am I reacting to the moment incl person/s or am I projecting the past into it/them. It’s ok if latter. It’s a process. Awareness will bring us to the moment. : ) We often have to go more to the other side of expressing ourselves to come back to centre. Maybe years. Writing out at night w/o judging, spell checking etc (just dump your feelings and thoughts) into paper then w/o rereading rip it up and toss. Trust me it feels good and helps moves feelings thru and out. Reminder: we’re meant to be whole not perfect. All humans incl those who hurt us are flawed and victims often create victims. This isn’t to excuse only for understanding. Also I had to learn not all disagreeing us conflicts - it’s prob just diff points of views trying to understand the other and compromise. Peace and health.
Yes, it was great to focus on one topic. There were several takeaways including not practicing using your voice on the more difficult people, leaving your inner child at a safe space while employing your adult to be assertive, practicing ahead of time, starting small, celebrating small wins, doing the opposite of your ineffective strategy, ... I shutdown in front of people. By myself, I am overly judgmental and aggressive. I'm trying to integrate my range of responses into one timely healthy response. I finally learned to say no.
Abusive people often act like they are alone in the universe -- only they exist. They fight you in order to suppress you -- your existence is a threat to their ego. The more you try to make them acknowledge you, the more they dislike you. Children instinctively know to keep quiet and stay out of the abusive parent's sight -- it's the only way to survive. Your thoughts on this?
Yes. Mom was passive aggressive narcissist and meaner, pop was aggressive narcissist. Both were very upset with any individuation. I'm now 74. Still very much going on.
I've watched your videos a lot but I still get something influential from each video! The most important point from that one was that when someone starts speaking up for themselves, it looks messy at first, but that's okay. I've done lots of trauma work with my awesome therapist, but I've been worried that I'm still not able to articulate myself calmly without being on verge of an anxiety attack in tense situations where I have to "defend" myself or think I need to justify my decisions. These are even not conflict situations. Rather like I have to explain to higher ranking co-workers my decisions and the question might come from sincere curiosity. I immediately think I did smth wrong or they are judging my decisions and start overly explaining why I did stuff the way I did. But now I've tried to stay on my ground and not to think that others are judging me. And I just need more practice. 40 years of thinking I've done something wrong all the time does not disappear overnight.
Thank you for this channel. I am 63 years old and childhood trauma is still impacting my relationships. I like your open forums but focusing on this specific topic of losing my voice was very helpful. When my husband raises his voice or uses a condescending tone with me I get triggered and my inner child throws a tantrum complete with higher pitched voice, sarcasm and mean words. I know this is a fear response from childhood that raised voices mean violence was next. My response then triggers him and he does get violent sometimes by screaming at me or throwing something. I know he is triggered now from his own childhood traumas. How can we break this cycle? I learned just now from this video that I can catch myself when I feel triggered and have a quick inner child dialog with myself using a preplanned script to diffuse my next action and not escalate the argument. Awareness is the first step. Thank you again, Patrick, for helping us see what is happening at the inner child level. God bless you.
@@kathymyers7279 Me too. It's a couple's relationship problem. You should learn how to DE escalate those feelings so it doesn't cause more hurt. It is sooooo important to learn that skill. Nobody taught us how to do that so don't feel bad about it. You both need to acquire the skill. See a therapist to get the skills. It's worth everything. 💖🫂
... I would question your husband's behavior here. It's fine to look at how this ties into your childhood issues, but him using anger and even violence to control your conversation, and then you look at your issues, but does he look at his? I'm afraid you're on the typical DV route of attributing your reactions to your issues instead of his, ie gaslighting yourself.
@@sarah-lee-cupkakes it’s very hard to get clarity on this stuff if you are enmeshed. You can’t change him, but you can lay out boundries with honesty and then WORK ON YOU.
Video idea - aging parents and dealing with elder care, also their death and grief - all while the relationship is tricky or toxic. Contemplating losing them knowing there is likely to be unresolved emotional business and accepting there is work they didn't do. EDIT: I see you're doing a webinar about exactly that! :D Maybe a video summing that up or giving prompts for reflection?
I had to come to the conclusion that I didn’t need to fight my corner and prove myself, because broken people who want to stay that way will not have a lightbulb moment where they realize how wrong they’re being. And when I would defend myself with logic or try to have a rational argument it never worked and never would, because they’re having an emotional reaction. It doesn’t change anything or fix anything, but boundaries do. So it’s become an “if/then” thing-if they go off, then I will walk away, call out the behavior, and not engage. For verbally abusive people it’s effective. It’s like taking oxygen away from the fire. I’ve also discovered that when you’re not allowed to have boundaries in the past, establishing boundaries and enforcing them makes you feel like the AH
Good for you. Big steps. For me I had to learn victims often create victims. Not an issue excuse just another way to understand and want to forgive for me. We’re all flawed humans. Sadly some hurt others more then and not aware. Best of luck. Peace and health.
I believe lot of emotional neglect gets healed just listening to you identify lot of hearfelt experience. Grateful you release lot of shame and guilt - your own work with your own healing of your inner child wounds. Trustworthy.🙏
I really love this one-topic livestream. A good idea to focus. Lately my problem has been that I have learnt to set boundaries and be upfront about speaking my needs but often I find myself being too "lazy" to actually deploy this mechanism cuz I know I am gonna have to deal with a conflict and I'm just like "I don't have the energy for this right now." I am also dealing with a burn out so that compounds this feeling. I always end up retreating instead of speaking my needs. P.S Hope to see more of Tessa in the future.
I’m 26 minutes in and was so interested that I just now finally noticed your new glasses and they are very nice- not that you asked but I like them! This is all very helpful so far, thank you for making these videos
This was a great live Patrick, I didn't catch it live but watched the replay. So many gems, my family childhood trauma stems from the emotionally abusive relationship of my parents - which continues to this day (they are in their 70s). My older siblings are victims of this as well but also took on narc qualities, especially my oldest brother. You talked about abuse around perception, I have never heard this discussed and it was my ENTIRE childhood. It continued into my adult life and took me until about 32 before I really started to push back (against my entire family of origin). The best thing I ever did was focus on myself, one on one therapy, and reconnecting with my true self. No people pleasing, caring about how other people felt. The reaction of everyone has been astounding. Thank you for your posts and videos as they are thought provoking and have been very helpful on my journey back to myself.
Trying to stop directing physical pain into myself. Fibromyalgia and ‘fight or flight’ muscle tightness shoulder and neck. Have convinced myself logically, but need to get rid of 60 years of subconsciously directing anger and pain inward. Thank you for the advice you give.
Thank you. Yes we are here because the parent is so abusive and has destroyed us in many ways because they aren’t and will never be safe. In every situation the parent could have any number of psychological issues or be an alcoholic. In my case it was a paranoid schizophrenic and I got permission from my therapist to cut them off because I can’t fix that. Instead we do have to practice normal assertiveness in safe situations where the bomb won’t go off and we can learn how to be part of healthy interactions.
Takeaways: dialogue w inner child is always key, and there are ways the inner child’s understanding can be “off” due to their lack of life experience and trauma. Inner adult can troubleshoot for this and take the reins. 🖐🏼I would like more variety in topics per Q & A Thank you so much for this, Patrick!
Can you do a video on the impact of growing up with a parent with borderline symptoms/p. Disorder. Can you talk about typical struggles of adult children of them, and how to heal these specific struggles? And how to heal the constant grief/depression that follows with growing up with this parent?
I think what irked me the most was how the shutting down would happen with everyone toxic or violating I ran across. Groomed to always relate that way. And then just the fact that it caused me to often be in such a cesspool of toxic people in the first place. I would say that for me it was a combo of being in support groups and “wholistic” type of stuff (by that I mean obsessively studying this stuff like I was getting a college degree in it and working it like intense on the job training. My breakthrough finally came at about age 48 and I “put my foot down” on it at work. It seems that it was just the start of me finally “cleaning house.” It’s not so much “getting the last word” as it is refusing to think or believe or act like any of this crap is ever ok. I really don’t know exactly but I just kept studying and learning and seeing things and one day it was more like some “chutzpah” just finally came out of me. And rather like this kind of fed up point you get to and you just don’t care anymore how the shit might hit the fan if you dare to speak your true heart and mind with strong conviction. And for me I just started to see how it was over and over and I just thought oh hell naw. I’m not doing this AGAIN. I’ll die before some bully or mean girl boss runs me off from a job again and makes me have to go back to the the poor house and have to start over again. So idk. Snapped? Lol. But it worked and it was the first day of a better life for me. But granted this was after a couple of years of a lot of talking in groups and learning and processing and so on. And yah. It was messy. Lol. But it’s so worth it regardless. And idk. Maybe Bcuz dang. My very livelihood. How can anyone get on in life if they can’t even keep a job Bcuz of tolerating abuse? I finally saw it and knew things had to change. My experience was growing up submissive and repressed. Finding out some truths and getting fed up and going too far the other way. And then later the pendulum finally went back down to “center.” Once you finally see some little results, you don’t need to rage about it so much anymore Bcuz it teaches you that you are not as powerless as you used to think you were. So you don’t have to rant and carry on. You just learn what real power is and that you don’t really have to “puff up” anymore to have personal power. To be fair tho, this whole thing took me years of really hard work to even get that far (which also was just one part of things I needed to work on).
Spot on about abusive people...getting needs met and feeling safe is not part of the disfuctional family...so much about control...winning...while others are controlled...yes..I so get it....sadly, .it is about controlling...very abusive behavior......the abusers make life and work climates toxic. Stepped away...only option. They were not workable.
Beautifully said...to just give up...❤....because for years I spoke up..tried to do normal. Just can not be heard..yes Patrick..it is like trying to get blood from a stone...right on! These folks are not safe or mature.
Yes, I like it that it was kept to one topic! My question didn't get read but I basically got my answer from pieces of the other questions so that was good
Reality testing is something I need to dialogue through with my IC... That point around 1hr when you said that what were survival mechanisms for us as a child aren't still right for now makes almost too much sense! 😅 Thank you so much as always, Patrick 👏💗
I get angry about my childhood but I also had to be a caregiver when my parents had flashbacks. Ill give example_ my dad is tormenting me by killing my rabbits_ and as he was murdering them he morphed into a child and cried and couldnt finish the job. Ive seen both sides. People are complicated. Now that I have more information _ my childhood makes alot more sense. Thankyou for your channel - you yave changed my perspectives with your healing approach _ taking so many perspectives at the same time_ holding space for all.
Take away...is affirmation...and wisdom that I should use my voice yet not use my voice with abusers...they just wanna control. Thank you for your wisdom! ❤
I think I tend to oscillate between clamming up and overreacting to conflict. I struggled to give appropriate assertive responses because I really don't know what that looks like or how to model it. Is there a video that addresses something like this?
Thanks again. Definitely like the generally topic-focused live videos. Your insights are helpful. I joined midway yesterday so will start from the beginning today.😊
My Father and an Ex-Friend had the same Narcissistic Personality! Both highly driven to the point of stealing money from Family members and wanting those members to still be loyal to them. Driving somewhere and hitting a person at a crosswalk and denying it. Even when it was on camera it was a setup someone else!
Video Request: who should NOT do childhood trauma work? You have mentioned at least once it's not for everyone. I would appreciate your developing that further
I know I’m not Patrick, but I remember him saying that if you are dealing with particularly stressful life events, it is probably not a good idea to do trauma work right then. In that case, you may need a more general therapist to deal with the current emotions. Trauma work is very taxing, so it’s best to do it when you don’t have a ton of huge life changes going on. Also, people who just aren’t interested in trauma work (like family members/other people you know) may just not be ready to do trauma work or ever will be. Some people just aren’t interested in digging through that.
As the person above said ^ You have to work with the right therapist for you. My last one actually re-traumatised me as he wasn't the right fit for what I needed to process.
Can you give a talk about how to make sure we do not pass on anything “toxic” to our own children? I was raised by 2 narcissists and had a dominant narcissistic sister.
Thank you so much for this. I have learned SO much from you! Thank you for reminding us that a win is a win, no matter how small. That was really validating and encouraging!!! 👍
Leaving the Inner child with someone safe. Dialoguing with the inner child to find the origins of where triggers came from in the first place. (Intimidating people, micromanaging people, people talking for you, moody people). Write a script for what you wanted to say at the time. It’s going to be messy. Surfing energy between shut down and speak up. Much more.. great stuff! Thanks so much Patrick. 🙏😊
Thank you, Patrick. I’m finally in therapy for my PTSD experience at 56 yrs old… I am skeptical about changing deeply seeded behaviors keeping me from enjoying life ❤
This is amazing, good luck! You're never too late and you are so strong to do this! Superstar! I hope you can find the healing you've deserved to have and your days ahead with you and your family are truly a whole new beautiful world. ❤
Its never to late. Just go into it with an attitude that it is possible. And that these things didn't happen for you overnight And the little baby steps you take along the way. Are worth it. My advice journal. Or at least a quick journal check in. I did not start making progress until after 40. After the birth of my first child. My only child. Under circumstances where quite frankly I should have been very unhappy. If I went by standards I always held myself up to before. But the work set in. And you will be surprised how much inner peace can bring you. My life is phenomenally better than it ever has been. I don't have a dime to my name. I don't have any answers in sight. And I have a massive load on my shoulders right now. But I'm cool with it. I find happiness everyday. And likes small stuff. I genuinely think starting later on in life will bring you a wealth of benefits. And a different perspective. That can help you..I've seen what healing can bring me. And I'm a thousand times more optimistic for the future. And I don't care if I could have gotten there faster if I did it sooner or whatnot. Every single day that we spend with these wounds. Is painful. Whether we realize it or not. I'm really proud of you keep up the good work. You got this!!!
Aw, man. I wanted to catch this session live. I'm not sure if people post questions on here or send them in. I would love your input on this scenario Patrick. My mother in law, who has narcissistic tendencies recently triangulated my husband and myself this week. My husband was assertive and stayed firm on our boundaries and thought he smoothed everything over with her. During their conversation, she was crying and saying she wanted to be needed and was wondering what our plans were for the delivery of our child. It sounded like she was agreeable but just teary eyed. Our boundary is for everyone to come the next day after I have the baby. Then when she spoke to me she lashed out with a guilt trip. She said to me that she would like to be at the hospital to give her son a hug. Drum roll for the incoming guilt trip, She then said in an angry tone "how would you feel if it was one of your children?" I was stunned and felt my face go hot and I know I became visibly angry. I responded in an angry tone, that I would think about it. Still working on those assertive skills. 😩 I'm just wondering why she did that with me? Why was she so agreeable with her son but took it out on me? My husband has become more assertive over the years and I'm not at that level yet. I'm wondering if that is the reason? All of this happened hours after she threw me a beautiful baby shower. it made things sour for me after that. I'm wondering why it's a big deal for her to wait until the next day? The mind of a narc just doesn't make sense to me. How do I keep her from triangulating us again? It's happened over the years. Thanks. 😅
I finally finished this video today, through the past few weeks I've been going back and forth to it, eating it up in little pieces so I'm absorbing the information and not letting myself just zone out to it. I absolutely loved how you picked a topic and stuck to it, answering lots of questions I had that other people asked (since I wasn't in the stream). It would be lovely if you could do more of these in the future.
I am often put into a situation where Im rold to set up a meeting and then asked to speak, a second later same person says dont lusten to her. Its a waste of time. She doesnt know what shes saying. I dont want to even be part of these meeting set ups but not in a position to say no. Also Im constantly set up to be blamed and in a truangulation with same group who rather than take responsibility or assist in making soomething happen they 1 turns around and blames me and the other starts listing also unrelayed things that i may not have yet completed. Its horrible. I dont know how to prevent these set ups.
Such a helpful informative video. I love your sense of humor when discussing the issues of childhood trauma and healing practices. This topic is so very real and I appreciate how you refer to your own challenges.
That was really helpful. I’m in a depression bout, took me over 3 hours to listen to everything. It’s a shame regular therapists don’t talk about that. I’ve improved a lot in the past few years but there’s a lot of work for me to do.
I used to weaponize phych concepts by sending relevant videos of a current fight I was having with a guy I dated. I also didn’t understand why he was such a jerk, why I was attached to him although I actually didn’t like his behaviour at all. When it was finally over and the smoke had cleared, I realized that I didn’t even like him but wanted to obliterate him. I couldn’t see the forest through the trees and couldn’t get away from him or detach from him. Really dysfunctional. It was such an impactful experience for me which still leaves me cautious, mostly of my own perceptions and reactions. I learned a lot about my perception of things and how much I believed people who would tell me I was the problem and it made me feel as though the only problem was me, but it was both of us. Now I know that I have nothing to win, but a lot to lose by fighting anyone for any reason at all in any area of life. This life certainly has been a learning experience.
Hi Patrick, you've helped me alot in my recovery from being un-numbed all my life. Thank you 🧡 Ive got a question, have you ever heard of a colour connection to anyone's trauma before? Like a obsession to a certain colour while going to any trauma?
Re the high conflict family and speaking the truth- no, it is not worth speaking the truth in that family-. What is worthwhile is finding new people where you can speak the truth. You have to spend zero or very minimal time with your family.
Hi Patrick. Can you talk about parents who abused you as a child (Physical and psychological) who are unrepentant and now are trying to get you to take care of them in their elder years. Thank you.
I think, a lot of times to someone with complex childhood trauma, the concept we have of “getting the last word” in a disagreement is really a deep desire for acceptance. It’s a misnomer. Again a lot of times- not all the time- the conflict arises when you want the other person to see your perspective and accept it as valid. Theres a pretty good chance that if the disagreement is with people from your childhood environment, they might be unable to do the one thing you need. But the need persists so it leads to a cycle of conflict where you continually seek blood from a turnip. Saying the last thing is not possible when you want acceptance from the other person. You make your best argument and then they talk again and demonstrate that they are not interested in your needs. It may be better to let that dream go and do something else that can bring you fulfillment.
Do I think about my feelings instead of just knowing them? Story of my life. Like the countless times my EMDR therapist had to say, "Get out of your head." Rationalization is my spirit animal. I am low kinesthetic anyway, have a lot of visual and auditory processing preference, but I am very digital and cerebral -- and I freeze and I have non-hyperactive ADD. It took a lot of work to trust the process to be in my body to work through trauma, and my path of least resistance and comfort zone is always in my head. I think some of that is my innate nature, but so much of it is avoiding pain and some of the overlapping features of PTSD freezing coupled with ADD.
For the 1st 32 years of my life I had a voice. Until after a crisis intervention psychiatrist told me I lived in reality so don't need help but would take me as patient so he could learn more about my type of personality, then after I lost my memory to point didn't understand what a name is or read or write had no comprehension of anything, he dismissed that, and told me that as an adult I had the choice to take a medicine he was rx to find out if it made people gain weight. Ever since then I have struggled to speak up. Especially since my family expected me to be the same I was before and I got punished by mental health and law enforcement when I did make effort to use my voice. I was actually physically abused by mental health because I was doing nothing. I have this terror of speaking up , that when I do I will be physically punished for even thinking I can make a difference
A struggle for me is other peoples emotions, especially anger. I realize emotions like anger are normal and ok as long as the person is handling it right (not shouting, not getting violent, etc.) but if I’m having a conflict with someone and they seem to be getting angry or upset, I start shutting down and don’t want to carry on the conversation anymore, become apologetic, not say what I want to say, etc. and try to calm them down as fast as possible from fear they will get too angry. I can talk about a conflict all day as long as the person remains calm, but if they start getting emotional at all, even slightly emotional, I feel like I can’t talk to them about it anymore.
I had to speak the truth _ I had one parent conditioning me to report all things to them (moms truth conditioning) and then had the other parent teaching me how to lie to people ( by watching him lie).
The links for the course and the webinar are now in the video description 👍
I went no contact with my mom for a year. There was no other way, I was so heartbroken, over 20 years of failed mother daughter relationship never getting better. I blamed her for everything. Then her mom died, the nursing home couldn’t get a hold of her and called me a year into no contact, I had to call her. I told her the news and she wanted to talk, I told her I would only talk to her in therapy. This was early 2022, now two years into therapy every single week we have not fought in over a year. She even got her own therapist. It’s truly amazing if both people are ready to heal.
I am now over 70 years old. Love your channel and what it has taught me. Here's the thing which you maybe you can comment. Looking back, my entire childhood, me and my siblings spent every single day trying to gauge and understand our mother's crazy moods. It has taken me this long to figure that out. And I really regret it. Makes me angry. No kid should have to spend time figuring out parent's demeanor. Yes or No?
You are completely right. That sucks
I’m an only child so I didn’t have the benefit of siblings to back me up or help me go through it my mother was bipolar so every day was like walking on eggshells. In many situations I had to parent her.
And you’re right, no child should ever have to deal with that
Walked on eggshells from age 6 to 17 because of my evil stepfather & his unpredictable moods. Not okay! 😢
Awful and makes you hyper vigilant around other people in real life, outside of the dysfunctional home :( Harddd relate on that, folks
I ended up reading too much into people's innocuous face expressions or movements, I get triggered so much. The same goes for people being upset and in close proximity to me in general, I feel like a small child in danger again, my heart rate speeding up
... which also kind of resulted in social anxiety and as Pete Walker would call it persecution mania. Do you sometimes feel like a group of people laughing behind your back (literally physically behind you), are laughing at you?
Yeah a kid shouldn’t have to do that
Helpful to hear that biggest wounding in toxic families is wounding of your perception.
Yeah , we have distorted perception of reality.
Absolutely yes, I’m in my mid forties and can’t identify my feelings because I have dissociated my entire life.
You can learn. Talk to someone who can show you how to do it rather than disassociate. You deserve to feel the good feelings. 💖🫂
Talk to yourself. Talk like you're talking to your best friend. It'll help you both disassociate and audit your thought process. Bonus: free therapy.
Thank you. I am quiet because it's such a fight to be heard. When I do speak, it comes out discombobulated because I freeze up and can't think.
Also you haven’t practiced. Do worry about being discombobulated just keep practicing.
Try a brain dump or journaling about the most difficult topics... Kinda like a practise run for these awkward conversations.
I froze up so bad in high school and couldn't think either I went from mostly A's and B's to almost failed out of high school but the new principal was new age and really caring and he decided to let me graduate everyone probably thought I had ADD but I was frozen it wasn't lack of concentration
Yes. Me too
Lost my voice during childhood and carried that into adulthood - leading my poor decision making- the straw that broke it was the birth of my daughter and realizing my voice STILL wasn’t heard as a mother causing a divide that eventually led to divorce (waiting for my daughter to attend college). The divide placed my daughter in therapy. With her encouragement I’m now beginning the process of addressing ghosts I kept hidden in Pandora’s box. ❤❤❤
Sounds like you have done a lot of work to truly face how things took place for you. I hope things continue to progress in a healthy direction for you. 🌿
Thank you for being a parent and person that can reflect on things and not be afraid to acknowledge the outside sources that caused your issues, recognizing how it affected you, take accountability for your own choices and the unfortunate ways they may have realistically affected others, see things for what they were and for respecting your child needing to get therapy.
Thank you for having ownership AND acceptance of both what you were a victim of and what you unintentionally made a victim of your own hurts, no matter how much you never meant to.
Good for you for having the strength to keep going and to not give up on healing.
Now you get to take care of you ❤
@@ozywomandius2290 thank you so much ♥️
@@bedazzledmisery6969 thank you for your support ♥️
"Messy can still be progress ❤"
I sought counseling 4 times in my past. Working directly with a counselor helped me big time, but their job is to push me to resolve my personal difficulties within 8 weeks, two of them have said to me. I like efficiency, and I do feel like I developed solid inner adult skills with their help. However, out on my own, it's soothing and assuring to hear that "a win is a win". I feel strongly about my perception from childhood and now and from now on, so there's far less effery in my life lately. Messy is progress. Remembering this helps me keep hope in my new relationship, stick to my plans for the year, and give me some peace each day. Please keep doing these Q&A's!
They give people hope ❤️🔥
Role modeling boundary setting with a cat was a great moment for me ❤
@@karencreighton7939 omg thought I was the only one,y one! As I started to work through my recovery I first realized I was now starting to use my codependent behaviors on my cats! I so agree with you! Starting to set boundaries with them too! Realizing doesn’t mean we do t love them it means we do! Good luck to you! ❤️🐈
For the person who asked the first question and others - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and all Dr Gibson's books will do miracles to your perception of yourself and your parents in a conflict. She has TH-cam videos too.
Thank you, Patrick, for the amazing video, please continue your important work!
I totally agree! The work of Lindsay C. Gibson has helped me tremendously.
Same!@@comoane
Have read that book but was not aware of her channel, thanks! I agree, it’s a helpful read.
Love Dr Gibson’s book 🙏
I saw a video of hers but it and the advice didn't apply to malignant personality disordered parents. Useful for nonmalignant parents. Maybe she goes into that elsewhere. Patrick is right on the mark.
Wow - I thought I had the weirdly specific reaction to conflict of being unable to speak. Thank you both for the insight into that this is common, and how to address it..
At this stage of my life/health, all my conflict situations are medical and insurance related. The fifteen minute doctor appointment is prime territory for triggering my "not being heard" issues. I try to advocate for myself and end up in a fog. Thanks life, for giving me more opportunities to work on my issues!!
I write everything down and go down the list with my doctor. Then all my questions are addressed. At least I feel listened to. 💖
@@leanne123Here in the UK it’s strictly “one issue per appointment” and this is widely advertised in the waiting rooms of the general practices. Appointments last UP TO 10 minutes, but patients are usually rushed out of the room before 10 minutes is up.
Say you are someone with complex health that has moved area - you did fill out the form for your medical history to be moved from your previous practice to the new one but as well all know for some unknown reason, this is not possible to do in the NHS - then you need to start from ground 0 again, even if you have symptoms that amount close to hundred. Complex health is just that… complex.
What happens to patients like this very often, is that they are then misunderstood and labelled as anxious, BPD and fibromyalgia instead or years before true illness comes forth - meanwhile they had sought care for their debilitating symptoms and were left suffering, because the new practice mislabelled and did not believe to take the symptoms more seriously, and in order to save money no serious testing was referred.
Until of course, eventually, need be and diagnosis is reached.
Praying for people who are stuck in this system.
I feel this a lot as well. I have given up because I get triggered when there is any perceived pushback
yes, I constantly 'think' about my feelings. Im dissociated a lot. I have to often tell myself what I feel and that its ok to feel it.
"feelings are okay. It's okay to have emotions and feel stuff. It's okay to feel upset or frustrated or angry. This sucks. It's just feelings, it's not a physical reality."
I remember to do breathing exercises, tap my fingers and say 'it is what it is' repeatedly, say a prayer if necessary or, my favorite, sing "Just keep Swimming."
What was valuable to me was knowing when and how to speak up but more importantly knowing when to dial back. I’m in this exact situation since cutting off contact from my abusive family, and it seems like more and more I’ve been exploding over every conflict with my spouse and have villainized him 😢 I’m so proud of myself that in an argument instead of crying and exploding I remained calm ❤ thank you for this! It really helped me 😊
One counselor told me to dial back. I like her, she listened to me a lot and shared with me that I can be too intense. She suggested that I consider dialing it back 50% when I notice I feel intensely in conversations 🪷 that was very helpful when I was dealing with family trouble
As you become more aware of where the rxn is coming from the more it helps. Just practice in disagreements with spouses and trusted friends to ask yourself during or after - am I reacting to the moment incl person/s or am I projecting the past into it/them. It’s ok if latter. It’s a process. Awareness will bring us to the moment. : ) We often have to go more to the other side of expressing ourselves to come back to centre. Maybe years. Writing out at night w/o judging, spell checking etc (just dump your feelings and thoughts) into paper then w/o rereading rip it up and toss. Trust me it feels good and helps moves feelings thru and out. Reminder: we’re meant to be whole not perfect. All humans incl those who hurt us are flawed and victims often create victims. This isn’t to excuse only for understanding. Also I had to learn not all disagreeing us conflicts - it’s prob just diff points of views trying to understand the other and compromise. Peace and health.
Thank you so much, Patrick. This channel has been so incredibly validating and informative. It’s like a lifeline in this crazy world.
Seeing the more playful, joking side of you was quite refreshing. Fantastic stream.
(43:15) The Salt/Assault thing had me crying with laughter
Yes, it was great to focus on one topic.
There were several takeaways including not practicing using your voice on the more difficult people, leaving your inner child at a safe space while employing your adult to be assertive, practicing ahead of time, starting small, celebrating small wins, doing the opposite of your ineffective strategy, ...
I shutdown in front of people. By myself, I am overly judgmental and aggressive. I'm trying to integrate my range of responses into one timely healthy response. I finally learned to say no.
Abusive people often act like they are alone in the universe -- only they exist. They fight you in order to suppress you -- your existence is a threat to their ego. The more you try to make them acknowledge you, the more they dislike you. Children instinctively know to keep quiet and stay out of the abusive parent's sight -- it's the only way to survive. Your thoughts on this?
Yes. Mom was passive aggressive narcissist and meaner, pop was aggressive narcissist. Both were very upset with any individuation. I'm now 74. Still very much going on.
Tessa's random appearance was a welcome break 😻 love this q&a session
I've watched your videos a lot but I still get something influential from each video! The most important point from that one was that when someone starts speaking up for themselves, it looks messy at first, but that's okay. I've done lots of trauma work with my awesome therapist, but I've been worried that I'm still not able to articulate myself calmly without being on verge of an anxiety attack in tense situations where I have to "defend" myself or think I need to justify my decisions. These are even not conflict situations. Rather like I have to explain to higher ranking co-workers my decisions and the question might come from sincere curiosity. I immediately think I did smth wrong or they are judging my decisions and start overly explaining why I did stuff the way I did. But now I've tried to stay on my ground and not to think that others are judging me. And I just need more practice. 40 years of thinking I've done something wrong all the time does not disappear overnight.
Thank you for this channel. I am 63 years old and childhood trauma is still impacting my relationships. I like your open forums but focusing on this specific topic of losing my voice was very helpful. When my husband raises his voice or uses a condescending tone with me I get triggered and my inner child throws a tantrum complete with higher pitched voice, sarcasm and mean words. I know this is a fear response from childhood that raised voices mean violence was next. My response then triggers him and he does get violent sometimes by screaming at me or throwing something. I know he is triggered now from his own childhood traumas. How can we break this cycle? I learned just now from this video that I can catch myself when I feel triggered and have a quick inner child dialog with myself using a preplanned script to diffuse my next action and not escalate the argument. Awareness is the first step. Thank you again, Patrick, for helping us see what is happening at the inner child level. God bless you.
Omg Thankyou for that comment because been going through this for 38 years. It’s awful.
@@kathymyers7279 Me too. It's a couple's relationship problem. You should learn how to DE escalate those feelings so it doesn't cause more hurt. It is sooooo important to learn that skill. Nobody taught us how to do that so don't feel bad about it. You both need to acquire the skill. See a therapist to get the skills. It's worth everything. 💖🫂
... I would question your husband's behavior here. It's fine to look at how this ties into your childhood issues, but him using anger and even violence to control your conversation, and then you look at your issues, but does he look at his? I'm afraid you're on the typical DV route of attributing your reactions to your issues instead of his, ie gaslighting yourself.
@@sarah-lee-cupkakes it’s very hard to get clarity on this stuff if you are enmeshed. You can’t change him, but you can lay out boundries with honesty and then WORK ON YOU.
Video idea - aging parents and dealing with elder care, also their death and grief - all while the relationship is tricky or toxic. Contemplating losing them knowing there is likely to be unresolved emotional business and accepting there is work they didn't do. EDIT: I see you're doing a webinar about exactly that! :D Maybe a video summing that up or giving prompts for reflection?
Stages in Grieving My Lost Childhood: 1. Coming to terms with rejection 2. Denial 3. Realization 4. Healing
I had to come to the conclusion that I didn’t need to fight my corner and prove myself, because broken people who want to stay that way will not have a lightbulb moment where they realize how wrong they’re being. And when I would defend myself with logic or try to have a rational argument it never worked and never would, because they’re having an emotional reaction. It doesn’t change anything or fix anything, but boundaries do. So it’s become an “if/then” thing-if they go off, then I will walk away, call out the behavior, and not engage.
For verbally abusive people it’s effective. It’s like taking oxygen away from the fire.
I’ve also discovered that when you’re not allowed to have boundaries in the past, establishing boundaries and enforcing them makes you feel like the AH
Of course but considering proving one's self and explaining one's self can be a survival response it's hard to get over
@@leahflower9924 I didn’t exactly say that, but yes, it is a work in progress and very difficult
Yes, feeling like an AH and not happy with it. Much work needed in this aspect
Yes! Well stated... learning to let the unsafe people go. It is hard.
Good for you. Big steps. For me I had to learn victims often create victims. Not an issue excuse just another way to understand and want to forgive for me. We’re all flawed humans. Sadly some hurt others more then and not aware. Best of luck. Peace and health.
Oh man i missed the live. I am watching on the replay.
I believe lot of emotional neglect gets healed just listening to you identify lot of hearfelt experience. Grateful you release lot of shame and guilt - your own work with your own healing of your inner child wounds. Trustworthy.🙏
I really love this one-topic livestream. A good idea to focus. Lately my problem has been that I have learnt to set boundaries and be upfront about speaking my needs but often I find myself being too "lazy" to actually deploy this mechanism cuz I know I am gonna have to deal with a conflict and I'm just like "I don't have the energy for this right now." I am also dealing with a burn out so that compounds this feeling. I always end up retreating instead of speaking my needs.
P.S Hope to see more of Tessa in the future.
I’m 26 minutes in and was so interested that I just now finally noticed your new glasses and they are very nice- not that you asked but I like them!
This is all very helpful so far, thank you for making these videos
This was a great live Patrick, I didn't catch it live but watched the replay. So many gems, my family childhood trauma stems from the emotionally abusive relationship of my parents - which continues to this day (they are in their 70s). My older siblings are victims of this as well but also took on narc qualities, especially my oldest brother. You talked about abuse around perception, I have never heard this discussed and it was my ENTIRE childhood. It continued into my adult life and took me until about 32 before I really started to push back (against my entire family of origin). The best thing I ever did was focus on myself, one on one therapy, and reconnecting with my true self. No people pleasing, caring about how other people felt. The reaction of everyone has been astounding. Thank you for your posts and videos as they are thought provoking and have been very helpful on my journey back to myself.
Fist bump!
Trying to stop directing physical pain into myself. Fibromyalgia and ‘fight or flight’ muscle tightness shoulder and neck. Have convinced myself logically, but need to get rid of 60 years of subconsciously directing anger and pain inward. Thank you for the advice you give.
Sending you a gentle hug from a fellow fibro gal here. 💜 it's tough balancing cPTSD with fibro and other things.
Hi! I'm 56 and your comment hit home deeply. How are you releasing all this pain from directing the anger inwards?
Re: speaking your truth -- sometimes your truth might be that it's not worth trying to drag people along to where you are. Silence speaks volumes.
We appreciate your insights. You'll always have our support.
Thank you. Yes we are here because the parent is so abusive and has destroyed us in many ways because they aren’t and will never be safe. In every situation the parent could have any number of psychological issues or be an alcoholic. In my case it was a paranoid schizophrenic and I got permission from my therapist to cut them off because I can’t fix that.
Instead we do have to practice normal assertiveness in safe situations where the bomb won’t go off and we can learn how to be part of healthy interactions.
Thank you so much! This was so helpful for me as I navigate conflict, self-advocacy, and mediation at work. You're the best Patrick 💙
Yes please make a video or a series of videos on how to parent when you have childhood trauma! I need such videos!
Here for the replay, missed the live
Takeaways: dialogue w inner child is always key, and there are ways the inner child’s understanding can be “off” due to their lack of life experience and trauma. Inner adult can troubleshoot for this and take the reins.
🖐🏼I would like more variety in topics per Q & A
Thank you so much for this, Patrick!
Can you do a video on the impact of growing up with a parent with borderline symptoms/p. Disorder. Can you talk about typical struggles of adult children of them, and how to heal these specific struggles? And how to heal the constant grief/depression that follows with growing up with this parent?
The irony of Patrick having to deal w his attn-getting kitty 😻 while discussing dealing w/attn seeking coworker. 😁 her ears were burning
I think what irked me the most was how the shutting down would happen with everyone toxic or violating I ran across. Groomed to always relate that way. And then just the fact that it caused me to often be in such a cesspool of toxic people in the first place.
I would say that for me it was a combo of being in support groups and “wholistic” type of stuff (by that I mean obsessively studying this stuff like I was getting a college degree in it and working it like intense on the job training.
My breakthrough finally came at about age 48 and I “put my foot down” on it at work. It seems that it was just the start of me finally “cleaning house.” It’s not so much “getting the last word” as it is refusing to think or believe or act like any of this crap is ever ok. I really don’t know exactly but I just kept studying and learning and seeing things and one day it was more like some “chutzpah” just finally came out of me. And rather like this kind of fed up point you get to and you just don’t care anymore how the shit might hit the fan if you dare to speak your true heart and mind with strong conviction. And for me I just started to see how it was over and over and I just thought oh hell naw. I’m not doing this AGAIN. I’ll die before some bully or mean girl boss runs me off from a job again and makes me have to go back to the the poor house and have to start over again. So idk. Snapped? Lol. But it worked and it was the first day of a better life for me. But granted this was after a couple of years of a lot of talking in groups and learning and processing and so on. And yah. It was messy. Lol. But it’s so worth it regardless. And idk. Maybe Bcuz dang. My very livelihood. How can anyone get on in life if they can’t even keep a job Bcuz of tolerating abuse? I finally saw it and knew things had to change.
My experience was growing up submissive and repressed. Finding out some truths and getting fed up and going too far the other way. And then later the pendulum finally went back down to “center.” Once you finally see some little results, you don’t need to rage about it so much anymore Bcuz it teaches you that you are not as powerless as you used to think you were. So you don’t have to rant and carry on. You just learn what real power is
and that you don’t really have to “puff up” anymore to have personal power. To be fair tho, this whole thing took me years of really hard work to even get that far (which also was just one part of things I needed to work on).
Spot on about abusive people...getting needs met and feeling safe is not part of the disfuctional family...so much about control...winning...while others are controlled...yes..I so get it....sadly, .it is about controlling...very abusive behavior......the abusers make life and work climates toxic. Stepped away...only option. They were not workable.
Yes, I liked that you kept it to a single topic
Beautifully said...to just give up...❤....because for years I spoke up..tried to do normal. Just can not be heard..yes Patrick..it is like trying to get blood from a stone...right on! These folks are not safe or mature.
I'm so sorry I missed this live! But I'm glad I can watch it the next morning!
Yes, I like it that it was kept to one topic! My question didn't get read but I basically got my answer from pieces of the other questions so that was good
Reality testing is something I need to dialogue through with my IC... That point around 1hr when you said that what were survival mechanisms for us as a child aren't still right for now makes almost too much sense! 😅 Thank you so much as always, Patrick 👏💗
Definitely great questions that i can Definitely relate to ! 😮
I get angry about my childhood but I also had to be a caregiver when my parents had flashbacks. Ill give example_ my dad is tormenting me by killing my rabbits_ and as he was murdering them he morphed into a child and cried and couldnt finish the job. Ive seen both sides. People are complicated. Now that I have more information _ my childhood makes alot more sense. Thankyou for your channel - you yave changed my perspectives with your healing approach _ taking so many perspectives at the same time_ holding space for all.
Sorry to hear someone killing rabbits 🐇 that's
Disturbed!!peace my friend cause no rabbit or person deserves that!!!
love your channel; between Toxic folk& crazy cousins; smug and 'superior'( cheating) father, Yipes! 56 still Learning
Thank you so much for all your amazing content !! You’re a life changer
Take away...is affirmation...and wisdom that I should use my voice yet not use my voice with abusers...they just wanna control. Thank you for your wisdom! ❤
This video has come to me with perfect timing
I think I tend to oscillate between clamming up and overreacting to conflict. I struggled to give appropriate assertive responses because I really don't know what that looks like or how to model it. Is there a video that addresses something like this?
Me right here
Thank you!! You are so appreciated!
Thanks again. Definitely like the generally topic-focused live videos. Your insights are helpful. I joined midway yesterday so will start from the beginning today.😊
I love this channel. You give me strength when I don’t have it. I struggle a lot, thanks for making these and lighting the way.
My Father and an Ex-Friend had the same Narcissistic Personality! Both highly driven to the point of stealing money from Family members and wanting those members to still be loyal to them. Driving somewhere and hitting a person at a crosswalk and denying it. Even when it was on camera it was a setup someone else!
This is all so helpful. I so appreciate your knowledge, humor, and kindness.
Video Request: who should NOT do childhood trauma work? You have mentioned at least once it's not for everyone. I would appreciate your developing that further
I know I’m not Patrick, but I remember him saying that if you are dealing with particularly stressful life events, it is probably not a good idea to do trauma work right then. In that case, you may need a more general therapist to deal with the current emotions. Trauma work is very taxing, so it’s best to do it when you don’t have a ton of huge life changes going on.
Also, people who just aren’t interested in trauma work (like family members/other people you know) may just not be ready to do trauma work or ever will be. Some people just aren’t interested in digging through that.
As the person above said ^ You have to work with the right therapist for you. My last one actually re-traumatised me as he wasn't the right fit for what I needed to process.
Watching replay and this is sooo good!
Can you give a talk about how to make sure we do not pass on anything “toxic” to our own children? I was raised by 2 narcissists and had a dominant narcissistic sister.
Thank you so much for this. I have learned SO much from you! Thank you for reminding us that a win is a win, no matter how small. That was really validating and encouraging!!! 👍
Leaving the Inner child with someone safe.
Dialoguing with the inner child to find the origins of where triggers came from in the first place. (Intimidating people, micromanaging people, people talking for you, moody people).
Write a script for what you wanted to say at the time.
It’s going to be messy.
Surfing energy between shut down and speak up.
Much more.. great stuff! Thanks so much Patrick. 🙏😊
Thank you, Patrick. I’m finally in therapy for my PTSD experience at 56 yrs old… I am skeptical about changing deeply seeded behaviors keeping me from enjoying life ❤
This is amazing, good luck! You're never too late and you are so strong to do this! Superstar! I hope you can find the healing you've deserved to have and your days ahead with you and your family are truly a whole new beautiful world. ❤
Its never to late. Just go into it with an attitude that it is possible. And that these things didn't happen for you overnight And the little baby steps you take along the way. Are worth it. My advice journal. Or at least a quick journal check in. I did not start making progress until after 40. After the birth of my first child. My only child. Under circumstances where quite frankly I should have been very unhappy. If I went by standards I always held myself up to before. But the work set in. And you will be surprised how much inner peace can bring you. My life is phenomenally better than it ever has been. I don't have a dime to my name. I don't have any answers in sight. And I have a massive load on my shoulders right now. But I'm cool with it. I find happiness everyday. And likes small stuff. I genuinely think starting later on in life will bring you a wealth of benefits. And a different perspective. That can help you..I've seen what healing can bring me. And I'm a thousand times more optimistic for the future. And I don't care if I could have gotten there faster if I did it sooner or whatnot. Every single day that we spend with these wounds. Is painful. Whether we realize it or not.
I'm really proud of you keep up the good work.
You got this!!!
Thank you again, Patrick! You never fail to make me laugh when I most need to! 🙏😊❤
Aw, man. I wanted to catch this session live. I'm not sure if people post questions on here or send them in. I would love your input on this scenario Patrick.
My mother in law, who has narcissistic tendencies recently triangulated my husband and myself this week.
My husband was assertive and stayed firm on our boundaries and thought he smoothed everything over with her.
During their conversation, she was crying and saying she wanted to be needed and was wondering what our plans were for the delivery of our child. It sounded like she was agreeable but just teary eyed.
Our boundary is for everyone to come the next day after I have the baby.
Then when she spoke to me she lashed out with a guilt trip. She said to me that she would like to be at the hospital to give her son a hug. Drum roll for the incoming guilt trip, She then said in an angry tone "how would you feel if it was one of your children?"
I was stunned and felt my face go hot and I know I became visibly angry. I responded in an angry tone, that I would think about it. Still working on those assertive skills. 😩
I'm just wondering why she did that with me?
Why was she so agreeable with her son but took it out on me?
My husband has become more assertive over the years and I'm not at that level yet. I'm wondering if that is the reason?
All of this happened hours after she threw me a beautiful baby shower. it made things sour for me after that.
I'm wondering why it's a big deal for her to wait until the next day? The mind of a narc just doesn't make sense to me.
How do I keep her from triangulating us again? It's happened over the years.
Thanks. 😅
I appreciate your encouragement, your time and efforts ! Patrick . 😊
Thank you so very much ❤️❤️
I finally finished this video today, through the past few weeks I've been going back and forth to it, eating it up in little pieces so I'm absorbing the information and not letting myself just zone out to it. I absolutely loved how you picked a topic and stuck to it, answering lots of questions I had that other people asked (since I wasn't in the stream). It would be lovely if you could do more of these in the future.
Thank you Thank you,this help me so much ❤😊
I’ve been working through childhood trauma and finding my inner voice has been the hardest thing
I am often put into a situation where Im rold to set up a meeting and then asked to speak, a second later same person says dont lusten to her. Its a waste of time. She doesnt know what shes saying. I dont want to even be part of these meeting set ups but not in a position to say no.
Also Im constantly set up to be blamed and in a truangulation with same group who rather than take responsibility or assist in making soomething happen they 1 turns around and blames me and the other starts listing also unrelayed things that i may not have yet completed. Its horrible. I dont know how to prevent these set ups.
live Q's awesome! i'll keep an eye out for the next one.
Such a helpful informative video. I love your sense of humor when discussing the issues of childhood trauma and healing practices. This topic is so very real and I appreciate how you refer to your own challenges.
That was really helpful. I’m in a depression bout, took me over 3 hours to listen to everything. It’s a shame regular therapists don’t talk about that. I’ve improved a lot in the past few years but there’s a lot of work for me to do.
Thank you for this group work, and helping people to work through experience and emotions.
I used to weaponize phych concepts by sending relevant videos of a current fight I was having with a guy I dated. I also didn’t understand why he was such a jerk, why I was attached to him although I actually didn’t like his behaviour at all. When it was finally over and the smoke had cleared, I realized that I didn’t even like him but wanted to obliterate him. I couldn’t see the forest through the trees and couldn’t get away from him or detach from him. Really dysfunctional. It was such an impactful experience for me which still leaves me cautious, mostly of my own perceptions and reactions. I learned a lot about my perception of things and how much I believed people who would tell me I was the problem and it made me feel as though the only problem was me, but it was both of us. Now I know that I have nothing to win, but a lot to lose by fighting anyone for any reason at all in any area of life. This life certainly has been a learning experience.
Hi Patrick,
you've helped me alot in my recovery from being un-numbed all my life. Thank you 🧡 Ive got a question, have you ever heard of a colour connection to anyone's trauma before? Like a obsession to a certain colour while going to any trauma?
Love your work!
Re the high conflict family and speaking the truth- no, it is not worth speaking the truth in that family-. What is worthwhile is finding new people where you can speak the truth. You have to spend zero or very minimal time with your family.
I like how you explain things, thank you for what your doing for everyone
Patrick....your wisdom is helpful and healing.... thank you.
Hi Patrick. Can you talk about parents who abused you as a child (Physical and psychological) who are unrepentant and now are trying to get you to take care of them in their elder years. Thank you.
I am so excited that Tessa was in attendance!
It all made soo much sense! Thank you!!
Thank you. This is very interesting. Could somebody post the link that Patrick puts in the chat at 39:50 ? Thank you.
Please, opened the link and then closed everything on my phone. Gone.
A million likes!!!
Hi for me practicing what im going to say next time is exhausting and crazy making.
Thank you Patrick
I'm so, so grateful for you.
I am here and you are on!
❤you Patrick!
Thanks!
Hello Patrick, thank you so much for the live Q&A. I'm interested in your Life Cycles in The Toxic Family event and I'd like to know how long it is?
It's now in the video description. Thanks
Will it be later on available on TH-cam or somewhere? For us from Europe and other countries.. Ty. 🙏
Could you put a synopsis video together for those of us unable to attend
I think, a lot of times to someone with complex childhood trauma, the concept we have of “getting the last word” in a disagreement is really a deep desire for acceptance. It’s a misnomer. Again a lot of times- not all the time- the conflict arises when you want the other person to see your perspective and accept it as valid. Theres a pretty good chance that if the disagreement is with people from your childhood environment, they might be unable to do the one thing you need. But the need persists so it leads to a cycle of conflict where you continually seek blood from a turnip. Saying the last thing is not possible when you want acceptance from the other person. You make your best argument and then they talk again and demonstrate that they are not interested in your needs.
It may be better to let that dream go and do something else that can bring you fulfillment.
Do I think about my feelings instead of just knowing them? Story of my life. Like the countless times my EMDR therapist had to say, "Get out of your head." Rationalization is my spirit animal.
I am low kinesthetic anyway, have a lot of visual and auditory processing preference, but I am very digital and cerebral -- and I freeze and I have non-hyperactive ADD. It took a lot of work to trust the process to be in my body to work through trauma, and my path of least resistance and comfort zone is always in my head. I think some of that is my innate nature, but so much of it is avoiding pain and some of the overlapping features of PTSD freezing coupled with ADD.
For the 1st 32 years of my life I had a voice. Until after a crisis intervention psychiatrist told me I lived in reality so don't need help but would take me as patient so he could learn more about my type of personality, then after I lost my memory to point didn't understand what a name is or read or write had no comprehension of anything, he dismissed that, and told me that as an adult I had the choice to take a medicine he was rx to find out if it made people gain weight. Ever since then I have struggled to speak up. Especially since my family expected me to be the same I was before and I got punished by mental health and law enforcement when I did make effort to use my voice. I was actually physically abused by mental health because I was doing nothing. I have this terror of speaking up , that when I do I will be physically punished for even thinking I can make a difference
Thank you! Learning much from your videos.
A struggle for me is other peoples emotions, especially anger. I realize emotions like anger are normal and ok as long as the person is handling it right (not shouting, not getting violent, etc.) but if I’m having a conflict with someone and they seem to be getting angry or upset, I start shutting down and don’t want to carry on the conversation anymore, become apologetic, not say what I want to say, etc. and try to calm them down as fast as possible from fear they will get too angry. I can talk about a conflict all day as long as the person remains calm, but if they start getting emotional at all, even slightly emotional, I feel like I can’t talk to them about it anymore.
Was missing the longer content, thanks.
I had to speak the truth _ I had one parent conditioning me to report all things to them (moms truth conditioning) and then had the other parent teaching me how to lie to people ( by watching him lie).